Alright, the Salmon at Lake Encounter wasn’t exactly what we thought. But that has to be the only surprise in store for us. Right? Right?????? Stop looking at me like that with those googly eyes!
We are some mariners, this story’s survivors / In this belly of a freight’ / one side, on a plucky mission / the other, a cunning magician / we’ve run out of time to wait
Sponsors
- Our brand new MERCH STORE! Shop small this holiday season and support your favorite Actual Play podcast!
- Shaker & Spoon, where you can $20 off your first box at shakerandspoon.com/jointheparty
Find Us Online
- website: jointhepartypod.com
- patreon: patreon.com/jointhepartypod
- instagram: instagram.com/jointhepartypod
- bluesky: bsky.app/profile/jointhepartypod.com
- twitter: twitter.com/jointhepartypod
- tumblr: jointhepartypod.tumblr.com
- facebook: facebook.com/jointhepartypod
- merch & music: jointhepartypod.com/merch
Cast & Crew
- Game Master, Co-Producer: Eric Silver
- Co-Host (Umbi), Co-Producer, Sound Designer, Composer: Brandon Grugle
- Co-Host (Chamomile Cassis), Co-Producer: Julia Schifini
- Co-Host (Troy Riptide), Co-Producer: Amanda McLoughlin
- Theme Song: Lyrics by Eric Silver, music by Brandon Grugle. Vocals by Brandon Grugle, Lauren Shippen, Julia Schifini, Roux Bedrosian, Eric Silver, Tyler Silver, and Amanda McLoughlin. Available for purchase here.
- Artwork: Allyson Wakeman
- Multitude Podcasts: https://multitude.productions
About Us
Join the Party is an actual play podcast with tangible worlds, genre-pushing storytelling, and collaborators who make each other laugh each week. We welcome everyone to the table, from longtime players to folks who’ve never touched a roleplaying game before. Hop into our current campaign, a pirate story set in a world of plant- and bug-folk, or marathon our completed stories with the Camp-Paign, a MOTW game set in a weird summer camp, Campaign 2 for a modern superhero game, and Campaign 1 for a high fantasy story. And once a month we release the Afterparty, where we answer your questions about the show and how we play the game. New episodes every Tuesday.
Transcript
Eric: I remember a time before the Cascade dried up. Here in Verda Stello, the four nations of plant and bug people flourished and thrived. But the great waterfall that fed the land slowed to a trickle, revealing a vast Salt Sea and unknown islands. The only guide were the words of the 13 Dried Carvings. "The water will slow to fall, but the tides are turning. Find the Infinite Lake to replenish the world and discover the Salmon who will grant you a wish of whatever you desire." This marks the beginning of the Tide, as many Greenfolk hauled onto ships to find the Infinite Lake and maybe riches, adventure, excitement, and purpose along the way. And what exactly is a Salmon? Is that a berry? That was 50 years ago, and the Tide rushes forward ever still. There are many stories caught on the wind between sails, but why don't we hear just one? Of a butterfly gunman with clipped wings, a ripened and explosive piece of produce, and a witch made out of tea. This is Join the Party Campaign 3, The Rising Tide!
[theme]
Amanda: Last time on Join the Party.
Eric: As everyone reckons with what happens to us after we die and when a soul is taken out of a key, which is kind of the same, but not the same, the crew is on a ticking clock to beat the Rotten Key and its armada of zombie pirates. So they head to Lake Encounter, which is right nearby, because there's something there that can possibly make them go really fast. Finally, we're checking this out. I've planned this in the 20s episodes. It's a museum, turns out, unlike an aircraft carrier that shows you what the Salmon really looks like. Umbi, quote-unquote, "fools" a child and gets into the admin office, which shows there's an engine room for this massive ship. As they head down there, Troy needs to find the visage of the real, true Salmon, and it's just some sea sludge with some googly eyes on it. Again, I've been sitting on that reveal for, like, 40 episodes. Let's get the party started.
Julia: I just sat back like I was like—
Julia (as Cammie): Okay, teacher, time to learn.
Eric: Yeah, right. All right, the do now is roll an 18. Go ahead.
Julia: Right on.
Amanda: An 8.
Julia: Can we add any modifiers?
Eric: No, you just need to roll 18.
Julia: 6, 2, 7.
Brandon: I have 16. Is that okay, teacher?
Eric: No that’s bad.
Amanda: Oh, a 20.
Julia: 22.
Eric: No, it's not an 18.
Amanda: Is that— that's good?
Eric: That's not what I’m lookin’ for.
Julia: Oh, a Nat 20 for me as well.
Amanda: 20 again.
Brandon: 8.
Julia: 2 again.
Amanda: 4.
Brandon: 14.
Julia: 8.
Amanda: 18.
Brandon: 17.
Eric: You three are so good at school. You just started doing it. I didn't even— I was just like, "All right."
Julia: I've rolled three Nat 20s so far.
Amanda: I've rolled three Nat 20s.
Eric: I know. You guys keep rolling Nat 20s. All right, stop. It's stressing me out that we're just rolling the dice for no reason.
Amanda: Aw.
Julia: Wait, you don't like it when we do that and then one of us dies?
Eric: Yeah, then somebody dies.
Brandon: I'm not good at listening to teacher, so I'm still rolling.
Amanda: I will say it did warm me up. That feels good.
Eric: Yeah. we're all warmed up.
Brandon: Holy shit. 18's never happened, Eric. They don't exist.
Eric: Apparently, not.
Julia: [dice roll] All right, I rolled an 18.
Brandon: Oh, you did?
Julia: Yeah.
Brandon: Okay, good.
Eric: Troy Riptide, no one has held your gaze for this long, and maybe your entire life, not when you were royal prince strutting around the castle on the edge as commoners kept their eyes down and your brothers were too busy giving you massive wedgies.
Amanda (as Troy): To strut is to walk hotly.
Julia: True.
Eric: When you're a pirate, no one holds your gaze for this long because they're reaching for their pistol and they're seeing the best place where they can shoot you.
Amanda: I think it'd be really funny to put, like, a sail or a flag on the back of your boat that says, "If you can read this, you're way too close." Has anyone thought of that before?
Julia: If you can read this, there's a cannon coming your way.
Amanda: Yeah.
Julia: Cannonball.
Amanda: And by the time they could read them, they're like, "Oh, wow. How funny." Oh. Dead.
Julia: True.
Brandon: Troy would be the person to send those, like, Tweety Bird memes on Facebook.
Julia: But also he would have the truck nuts.
Eric: On a boat?
Julia: Uh-hmm.
Eric: Boat nuts.
Julia: Boat nuts.
Brandon: Wait, why don't we have boat nuts? We should have boat nuts.
Julia: Hmm.
Amanda: We might. We don't know what Harold and Sil got down there.
Eric: They switch off beating the truck nuts.
Amanda: They might make lewd shapes for fun.
Brandon: I would.
Amanda: I would, too.
Eric: No, this gaze is strong and maybe a little soft. Finding the balance between two parts of humanity that often never meet, and you are confronted by that, Troy Riptide, by the googly eyes of this piece of jetsam, this mass of seaweed and sea foam with two giant googly eyes on it, that at Lake Encounter is supposed to be the one true simulacrum of the Salmon.
Amanda (as Troy): Are you related to my friend, the Key with a Gaze?
Amanda: Troy falls to his knees.
Eric: A speaker turns on.
Eric (as Googly Eyes): Well, it seems that you've seen the great visions of the Salmon. Don't ask your wishes just yet. This is just a copy. If you have a question, just say it out loud.
Amanda: Troy maintains eye contact with the googly eyes and blinks first one eye and then the other.
Julia: Don't lose if you blink one eye at a time.
Amanda: Does it blink?
Eric: No, the googly eyes do nothing.
Brandon: Poke it in the eye. Poke it in the eye.
Amanda (as Troy): Friend, if you need help, slosh or move.
Eric (as Googly Eyes): Here are some star questions to get you started. If you're one of those youngins who don't know how to ask. What is this? What— is it real? What am I gonna do with it if I do see the Salmon in real life? Why did the Planter create the Salmon in the first place, huh?
Brandon: Uh, huh.
Julia: That's a good question.
Eric: Ha, yuck.
Brandon: Ha, yuck.
Julia: Jesus.
Amanda: Troy's gonna get up, walk closer to the Salmon, and can he cast his eyes around for cameras after the whole barnacle situation in South Kompos City? He's worried about who's watching him.
Eric: Sure, make a perception check.
Amanda: [dice roll] It's a Natural 1.
Brandon: That's not good.
Julia: You rolled, like, two Nat 20s when we were rolling for an 18 earlier.
Amanda: I rolled three Nat 20s earlier.
Julia: Three Nat 20s, Amanda. Where are they? Bring them back.
Brandon: You rolled all the heat out of your dice.
Amanda: Are the Nat 20s in the room with us? No, they've left.
Eric: Okay. Troy, what do you think is going on here?
Amanda (as Troy): I think someone is spying on me and is saying rude answers through the microphone to make me think that this thing, what is the Salmon, has knowledge, but it does not have knowledge. It just reminds me, with its eyes, I'm a fallen comrade.
Amanda: Weeps.
Eric: Yeah, Troy, that's exactly what's happening.
Julia: Oh.
Eric: Why would the Salmon challenge you like this? The googly eyes continue to meet your gaze and will not break it, obviously, as a show of force.
Amanda (as Troy): Very well, floating creature. I will unhand thee.
Amanda: And Troy stalks closer, and closer, and closer to the tank, drawing a dagger out of his boot, pointing it menacingly toward the Salmon.
Eric: This is something close to, like, an aquarium in my head.
Amanda: Oh, yeah.
Eric: Then there's like some plexiglas, like a small pane of plexiglass, keeping you from the pool. This—
Julia: Like if someone drew a knife on a manatee.
Amanda: Yes, exactly.
Eric: The simulacrum of the Salmon is just bobbing in this above ground pool, make eye contact with you.
Amanda (as Troy): Tell me now, creature, friend or foe? Friend or foe.
Eric (as Googly Eyes): Whoa. It seems like you're gonna get a little too close to me, the Salmon. I won't be able to hear you if you get so close. So move on back, partner.
Julia: Why did it have a Southern accent?
Eric (as Googly Eyes): Ha, yuck.
Brandon: All Salmons have Southern accents, Julia.
Julia: Hmm.
Eric (as Googly Eyes): You know what's gonna happen to you if you come too close to me and you do an aggressive act, then you're gonna come back as a sea slug.
Amanda (as Troy): Come back from where, the bathroom?
Eric (as Googly Eyes): When you die, you're gonna come back as a sea slug, because the Planter is gonna remember everything you did. It's called reincarnation. You should know that from your studies.
Brandon: Reintarnation, because it's Southern.
Julia: Tar– shut up.
Eric (as Googly Eyes): Ha, yuck. It's not Southern. I'm just plucky.
Amanda (as Troy): Okay, all knowing faker. Where's the real Salmon, huh?
Eric (as Googly Eyes): Oh, what a good question.
Eric: And then it plays back your voice, but it's like so crunchy because the microphone is so terrible picking— trying to pick up your questions.
Amanda (as Troy): Okay, all knowing faker. Where's the real Salmon, huh?
Eric (as Googly Eyes): No one knows where the real Salmon is.
Amanda: Liar.
Eric (as Googly Eyes): On the legend that is— that whoever collects the four keys will be able to talk to the Salmon and get your wishes, but only if you're a good little boy, girl, or child.
Amanda: Weeping intensifies as he thinks about the key.
Amanda (as Troy): Well, then, how do they know what to make you look like, huh?
Julia: So accusatory. I love it.
Eric: That's a good question.
Amanda: I think Troy's gonna do a dodge roll. He's gonna just, like, move really quickly toward the back of the room, like past the case, just to sort of see what's over there. Can I do another perception check from this new angle?
Eric: Okay, fine, but you were losing a risk die because your dodge rolled away.
Julia: Amanda's playing Troy like I do when I'm bored in a video game and want to get through a cut scene quicker.
Eric: Jumping.
Amanda: Yeah.
Eric: Dodge rolling, dodge rolling. It's like I— this isn't a cut scene, so I can't press X, but I can't do anything until this thing is done.
Julia: It's like when an RPG makes you walk really slowly beside the character because you need exposition.
Eric: Exactly.
Amanda: Exactly.
Julia: You're like, "Come on, let us get there faster."
Amanda: It's a 13 plus one for a 14. I'm looking for evidence of someone behind the curtain, so to speak.
Eric (as Googly Eyes): Well, the proprietor of Lake Encounter Thoughtful Gesture Bare Bone, did a lot of study, and through reading lots of books and scrolls, and going to school, and respecting his mother. He was able to learn what the Salmon looked like, and that's 99.3% me.
Eric: So by dodge rolling, you've managed to clip out of bounds a little bit, and you're seeing—
Julia: Cool.
Eric: —behind the tank. Yeah, you can see that there's a rudim— there's kind of just a rudimentary microphone speaker situation, kind of like, honestly, a fast food drive-through situation. There are some wires that kind of go back and away, kind of go— eventually, like, goes through the wall and probably leads somewhere else, but that's the best I can give you. As you kind of look around, you're in the largest part of this aircraft carrier. Obviously, aircraft carriers, very large. You're kind of in this whole storage area that got repurposed to be, like, the largest part—
Amanda: Uh-hmm.
Eric: —to accommodate all the people, obviously, coming to Lake Encounter to seeing the Salmon. It seems like they're also doing some construction to make some new attractions down here, so there's a lot of hammers and equipment, and like lots and lots of two by fours and wood—
Amanda: Hmm.
Eric: —down here. There also seem to have been a hole in the hall that got boarded up by some wood. And there's some sign— there's a big sign with a picture, a cartoon of the googly-eyed Salmon simulacrum saying—
Eric (as Googly Eyes): Pardon our mess, nobody's perfect.
Brandon: Are you sure it doesn't say, "Pobody's perfect?"
Eric: No, there are extra Z's in both nobody and perfect that seem—
Brandon: There we go.
Eric: —to be put there accidentally.
Julia: Yeah.
Eric: You know, it says, "Bonoby's perzzzfect." There's a bunch of Z's. It's like someone fell asleep while making the sign.
Julia: Or like their cat stepped on the keyboard while they were looking away.
Eric: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Julia: Yeah.
Brandon: Oh, there's a little drawing of a cat—
Julia: Cattail willow?
Brandon: —cattail willow on a keyboard sitting in there, you know?
Julia: Aw.
Eric: Oh, just a little cattail, like, kind of just clumping around. I like that it's just the cat, but with its tail as a cat tail.
Amanda: Uh-hmm.
Eric: I think that's cute.
Brandon: Oh, that's cute. I like that.
Eric: That's so cute.
Amanda (as Troy): Would you tell me your longest and most boring story?
Eric (as Googly Eyes): Oh, you want to hear the story of how Verda Stello was born.
Julia: Perfect.
Amanda: Troy is going to follow the wires back— to the back of the room.
Brandon: Smart.
Julia: We love a Troy.
Eric (as Googly Eyes): In the beginning, it was all water. Weird, right?
Amanda: Yeah. Troy's gonna follow the wires toward the back and try to find some kind of back staff exit to figure out who's staffing the control room.
Eric: There's also some doors that lead to other parts of the ship. So, yeah, it's entirely possible that these wires go somewhere else.
Amanda: Yeah. I'm gonna leave the Salmon behind and keep going.
Eric: Cool. Umbi, Cammie, what's up with y'all?
Julia: I think Cammie has just come out of the book, so is kind of looking around and is like—
Julia (as Cammie): Okay, next stop, engine room.
Julia: And looks around for Umbi.
Brandon (as Umbi): My lady. Cammie, it's me. Cammie, it's me.
Julia (as Cammie): Yeah, yeah, I know that.
Brandon (as Umbi): Oh, okay.
Julia (as Cammie): You just sound different.
Brandon (as Umbi): Let me get behind you real quick.
Julia (as Cammie): Okay. Why?
Brandon: And then I get behind Cammie, and I scrub at the mustache I drew to myself, I think I did?
Eric: Uh-hmm.
Amanda: Yep. Uh-hmm.
Eric: Hmm.
Brandon: Yeah, I try to convert back to Umbi. I walk around. I'm going, like, the right side of Cammie, and then the left side, I come back, and I'm just like—
Brandon (as Umbi): Oh, it's me, Umbi, I'm here. Yay!
Julia (as Cammie): Grandpa.
Brandon (as Umbi): The other guy died. He slipped behind Cammie.
Julia (as Cammie): Oh, no. That's terrible.
Brandon (as Umbi):Yeah.
Julia (as Cammie): Did you find the bathroom like you were looking for?
Brandon (as Umbi): I did, and I found this cool pamphlet on how to wash your hands in the bathroom. Check it out.
Julia (as Cammie): Amazing.
Brandon: And I give Cammie the plans and stuff I found.
Eric: For sure. If you're in more of a safe situation now that you walked away from the child who was looking at you when you were in a—
Brandon: Who was wanting to kill me.
Eric: Who was in— when you were in a place you shouldn't been. You can read the documents closer, if you'd like.
Brandon: Yeah. I'm going to do a weird two-person huddle with Cammie.
Eric: Yeah. Both of you give me investigation checks.
Julia: Excellent. Okay. Investigation. It's only a plus 2, so that's gonna be a 21.
Eric: Okay, that's it.
Brandon: It's only a plus 5, so it's gonna be a 24.
Julia: Ooh.
Brandon: Is that—
Julia: Did we both roll 19s?
Brandon: We did! Twins!
Julia: We're twins!
Eric: All right.
Amanda: Who are you guys?
Eric: Okay. Because they did it together. Two things—
Julia: And I gave Brandon my luck.
Eric: One thing pops out to Umbi s that the engine room is in the back of the big boat that you're on.
Julia: Uh-hmm.
Eric: And the best way to go there is down through the Salmon room, and the engine room is kind of right off of it.
Julia: Gotcha. Cool. Cammie goes—
Julia (as Cammie): You know what? I also have to go to the bathroom, but I also want to go see the Salmon. Let's go see the Salmon, Umbi.
Brandon (as Umbi): Let's do it. Do you actually— wait, Cammie, Cammie.
Julia (as Cammie): What?
Brandon (as Umbi): Do you actually have to pee?
Julia (as Cammie): No, I'm okay.
Brandon (as Umbi): Okay, cool. Just checking.
Eric: Cammie, I'm gonna tell you something, because you both rolled really well.
Julia: Uh-hmm.
Eric: You're flipping through and you see something that doesn't really make sense here, but resonates with you.
Julia: Okay.
Eric: And Cammie, I had a thought in the practice of the path.
Julia: Uh-hmm.
Eric: That there's kind of like a trust fall exercise that mirrors the idea that the way that you fall into a trust fall and how you trust it is like where— you trusting that your reincarnation when you die is going to go well, because you are a person who walks the path and is good at all that stuff, right?
Julia: Sure. There is these symbols that represent that, which is these two large hands that are reaching out to grab someone who's going to trust fall them.
Julia: Okay.
Eric: You might see this in, like, icono— like, it's kind of like religious iconography of like, "Oh, we're gonna do a trust fall exercise." So on the schedule for our time out in the woods, there might be an image of two disembodied hands reaching to grab someone, bracing to catch someone.
Julia: Okay.
Eric: What's funny about this is that you see this inside of the schematics of the engine room.
Julia (as Cammie): Why are they doing trust falls in the engine room?
Eric: Instead of a steering wheel for a large ship like this, there are instead these two large, disembodied hands that are braced to catch someone.
Amanda: It's Jesus, take the wheel, Verda Stello edition.
Julia (as Cammie): Okay.
Brandon: Carrie Underwood already works.
Julia (as Cammie): I'm go— we're gonna deal with that when we get there.
Amanda: Fascinating.
Julia (as Cammie): Preparing for the worst here, but we'll deal with that when we get there.
Brandon: With our investigation check, Eric, is that more of like a maker's mark, or is it more of, like, a— not code, but like a instruction?
Eric: Dawg, I don't know.
Julia: We'll find out when we get there.
Eric: Imagine seeing that on some schematics, right?
Brandon: Yeah.
Eric: Like, I— great question, why is this here?
Brandon: Yeah.
Julia: It's like looking at a car and instead of a manifold, there's just a hamsa.
Eric: Yeah. Right?
Amanda: Yeah.
Eric: Like, why— what— am I pouring oil into this statue of the Buddha? Why?
Julia: Hmm. Interesting.
Eric: Why is the dipstick in the Buddha?
Julia: Okay, cool.
Brandon: The Buddha loves some oil.
Eric: I guess so. I don't know. It's weird.
Brandon (as Umbi): All right, you want to go that way, Cammie?
Julia (as Cammie): Yeah, I'm sure there's a cool bathroom down there.
Brandon (as Umbi): Yeah. Let's do it.
Julia (as Cammie): All right.
Brandon (as Umbi): And here we go. We're walking.
Julia: I— can I do a quick either perception or investigation or whatever? I want to see if that little girl's following us.
Eric: Hmm. Umbi, be honest with me.
Brandon: Uh-hmm.
Eric: Would you have told Cammie about the little girl?
Brandon: No, I don't think I would had time.
Eric: No way.
Brandon: But that's good point, too. Can I roll a perception or whatever to see if the—
Eric: Here— you know what? Around this time, the little dinghy, that Thoughtful Gesture bear bone out at the toll booth.
Julia: I like that he's the owner and also the toll booth operator. It's kind of cool.
Eric: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Julia: Good for him.
Eric: I think it's funny if it's the entire toll booth. It would be funny— he just takes the toll booth.
Brandon: That's cute.
Amanda: Yes.
Eric: And, like, turns on the outbound motor, and then, like, just chugs it back to the big boat.
Amanda: It's like if the security of a gated community was a golf cart with, like, a shed built around it.
Eric: Yes, that's exactly what I'm thinking, but it's all also on the water.
Brandon: Yeah, I love that.
Eric: So, Troy, you're trying to follow the wires.
Amanda: Uh-hmm.
Eric: Okay.
Amanda: I stash my knife, take out my bow.
Eric: For sure. As you're doing that, you hear the sound of a window opening, and then you hear—
Eric (as Di): Hey, Troy, you should scream for help.
Eric: And then wham, wham, wham, wham, wham, wham, wham, wham. A coffin is built around you, wooden board by wooden board.
Brandon: What the fuck?
Julia: Can she just leave us alone?
Amanda: Troy's proficiency in barrels and he doesn't want to be killed in one. Can he have advantage on dodge rolling out of the way?
Brandon: Is a coffin a barrel? I think a coffin's a barrel.
Eric: I don't think— is a coffin a barrel with a person inside?
Julia: Yeah.
Amanda: Yeah.
Julia: Basically.
Brandon: That's a fancy barrel.
Eric: We're gonna come back to this in a second.
Amanda: No!
Eric: But you hear now muffled—
Eric (as Di): Troy, you should yell for your friends to help you.
Amanda (as Troy): (muffled)
Julia: Man, you should have separated us, because I'm gonna fuck her shit up.
Eric: That's fine.
Brandon: Her? Is that not Piney? You should may—
Amanda: That's Di.
Eric: I would like—
Julia: I bet it's Di.
Eric (as Di): Fine. I'll do it instead. Umbi, Cammie, help me. I'm so dumb. I tripped over my own feet and shot myself with a— with an arrow. Help. I'm Troy Riptide.
Julia: Do we hear that?
Eric: Yes, you hear that.
Julia: Cammie goes—
Julia (as Cammie): Troy would never call himself dumb.
Brandon (as Umbi): Because he's not dumb.
Julia (as Cammie): Because he's not.
Amanda: He doesn't think he is.
Brandon (as Umbi): That's weird.
Julia (as Cammie): That's not Troy. We just had a whole thing with doppelgangers.
Brandon (as Umbi): All right, let's get ready to kill someone, I guess.
Julia (as Cammie): Yeah.
Eric (as Di): It's dangling out of my throat. Luckily, I'm so hot because my shirt's off, and everyone thinks this
Brandon (as Umbi): I know that trick.
Julia: Cammie goes—
Julia (as Cammie): How is he talking then if it's dangling out of his throat?
Amanda: You know me so well.
Eric: As—
Julia (as Cammie): We're not dumb.
Eric: As this is happening, Thoughtful Gesture is climbing up the ladder and says—
Eric (as Thoughtful Gesture): Hey, folks, unfortunately, the Salmon, the real— the obvious, real life, best possible depiction of the one true Salmon exhibit has to close. We're gonna ma— I'm gonna need ever— everyone can still stay on the rest of Lake Encounter. But unfortunately, the main attraction, it needs to be shut down. I'm feeling sick, so I can't have you come down there.
Julia (as Cammie): Oh, no!
Brandon (as Umbi): Oh, that's fine. Don't worry about it!
Eric: Smoke bomb.
Julia: And Cammie's just gonna say—
Julia (as Cammie): Oh no, but I have to poop real bad.
Brandon: So, Eric, I'm gonna throw a smoke bomb. It deals no damage, but it fills a 10-foot radius sphere with smoke. The smoke spreads around corners the area. The area is heavily obscured.
Eric: I love—
Amanda: Hmm.
Eric: Sounds good. And then what do you do?
Julia: Sounds ideal. We run towards where the Salmon enclosure is.
Brandon: We run into the—
Eric: As you run down into the Salmon—
Julia: Oh, yeah. As we get there, go unseen.
Eric: As just Umbi runs down to the Salmon enclosure.
Brandon (as Umbi): [pants] I'm too old for this shit.
Eric: You run down and you see Piney leaning up against—
Julia: Oh, it is Piney.
Eric: —a coffin that is, like, resting against the wall.
Eric (as Piney): Oh, I guess just Umbi is here, and Cammie is definitely not here as well. Wow.
Brandon (as Umbi): Cammie's dead.
Eric (as Piney): All right. Okay. I'm gonna make—
Brandon (as Umbi): She died.
Eric (as Piney): I'm gonna make this easy on the three of you. You're gonna give me the key, and then I'm not gonna ruin your—
Brandon (as Umbi): You're in the bathroom, they had to poop.
Eric (as Piney): And I'm not gonna ruin— shh. And I'm not going to ruin your whole fucking day. Give me all of your keys, now.
Brandon: Umbi takes out his house key.
[theme]
Amanda: Hey, it's Amanda. I did a ton of baking last week, and for the first time, made sour dough bread. And sometimes you follow a recipe and you're not really sure if all the extra effort is worth it, but then you take a perfectly baked loaf of sourdough bread out of the oven, and the crust is so crusty. Welcome to the midroll. Look at that crumb. Thank you, and welcome to our newest paid supporter on Patreon, Rash. We really appreciate the fact that you did not only sign up for a free Patreon account to follow us and get the latest on what's happening for Join the Party over on Patreon, but also pledged some of your real human dollars to support this show, the only reason why we're able to make the show as great and with as much effort and care and love as we put into it is because of your support. So if you want to get bonuses like Discord access, our biweekly Party Planning podcast, trust me, folks, the convo has been nonstop about rich people things part two, ad-free episodes of this show, and even early access to new eps a whole day before anyone else. You should join us. Become a paid member at patreon.com/jointhepartypod. Now, every week, I tell you something new about what's happening at Multitude, and this is perhaps the finest week of the year, because we have a brand-new member show. That's right. Sound the klaxon. Brandon, put a klaxon in here. Come on. Come on, klaxon. [klaxon sound] There we go. We have a brand-new member show, it's Tiny Matters. You can dive into genes, microbes, and other tiny things that have a big impact on our world with Tiny Matters. Join scientists Sam Jones and Deboki Chakravarti as they take apart complex and contentious topics in science to rebuild your understanding. From deadly diseases to ancient sewers to forensic toxicology, Sam and Deboki embrace the messiness of science as well as its place in the past, present, and future. Now, Tiny Matters releases new episodes every Wednesday. You should go into your podcast app now, look up Tiny Matters, and subscribe. And it's brought to you by Multitude and the American Chemical Society, which is a non-profit scientific organization that connects and advances chemistry and the broader scientific community. They are cool as hell. It's amazing. You're gonna love Sam and Deboki, and you're gonna hear a lot more of them in Multitude shows. So join us, be excited, congratulate them. Join the Tiny Matters channel in the Multitude Discord, which is free, by the way, and come on over to celebrate Tiny Matters. We are sponsored this week by Shaker & Spoon. Hands down, my favorite thing to bring to someone's house when I am having company over, or when I am the company at someone else's house. You know, you often get there and maybe they make dinner for you or something, and it's like, "Oh, my God, that's so nice." And I love to bring a dessert, obviously. I'm a sweet treat person, but not everyone does. And so one thing I know is going to go over well with any crowd is a Shaker & Spoon box, because Shaker & Spoon is a subscription cocktail service that helps you learn to make handcrafted cocktails right at home. Every single box comes with all kinds of tinctures and citrus and, like, cool spices, and things to, like, dust and rub onto your cocktails that are totally incredible. They don't just taste amazing, but they also teach you genuinely how to do new things. I can now, like, fat wash a drink. I can use egg yolk in a drink. I am not scared about doing things like grueling, you know, like citrus rind. It is all because of Shaker & Spoon, and you have to get their boxes. They're so good at 40 to 50 bucks per month, plus the cost of whatever bottle of spirit that that box is themed around. It is a super cost-effective way to enjoy 12 craft cocktails at home. They make it really easy to skip or cancel boxes, and you can also get a gift subscription. So if you have a friend who is a home mixologist and wants to up their game, you gotta go to shakerandspoon.com/jointheparty to get $20 off your first box, whether you are upping your nightcap game, inviting some friends over or being an excellent guest this holiday season, we love Shaker & Spoon. Shop small this holiday season, go to shakerandspoon.com/jointheparty for $20 off. And now, back to the show.
[theme]
Eric: Troy, here's a wonderful thing, a new spell I invented called coffin hold.
Brandon: Oh!
Julia: Hey, bro. Hey, bro, pretty cool.
Eric: Thank you. Here's this— so this is what something that Piney can do. Piney has this new thing where they can control the building of objects and such, right? So here's how coffin hold works. It is like hold person, but you are put into a box or a barrel or a coffin. The person who is being held does not roll the saving throw until their turn. If you fail, you're held, like hold person.
Amanda: Uh-hmm.
Eric: If you succeed, you are just in the construct.
Amanda: Okay. Of a somewhat shabby coffin?
Eric: Yes, because it's held together by magic.
Amanda: Sure.
Eric: So I'm looking for a wisdom saving throw, because you were being held. And guess who's had some work done lately? I'm looking for a 17.
Amanda: Yeah, no, that's an 8 plus 1 for a 9.
Julia: Hmm.
Eric: All right.
Brandon: It's not good enough.
Eric: That's not.
Amanda: It's not gonna do it.
Eric: So, Troy, you are currently incapacitated inside of this coffin.
Amanda: Can I talk?
Eric: Yeah.
Amanda (as Troy): Piney, we can make a deal. I'm done with this. I have a weapon you want.
Eric (as Piney): And what's that?
Amanda (as Troy): Oh, the Dilly dagger, what can kill any living thing.
Eric (as Piney): Oh, oh, cool. You have a dagger that can kill stuff, that can take life energy from things that shouldn't have had it in the first place. I don't want that. I want the keys. I want the thing that matters. I don't spend all of my time looking out for people who's coming to mess with my shit and Tessie's shit. I didn't spend— I haven't spent all of this time looking around and— Cammie, Cammie, I know you're here! The least you can do is come out and show yourself.
Brandon (as Umbi): They're pooping.
Eric (as Piney): I spend all this time—
Eric: As Piney is slamming up against the coffin.
Eric (as Piney): I spend all of this time doing powerful magics that no one can fathom, because I do it at the Book Depository Island and I don't run around telling everyone how crazy I am, that— everyone's like, "Oh, Cammie is such a powerful magician. Ooh, I don't even know what a magician is. I could just do magic." I hate it! I hate it! And I hate you three! And I hate Cammie the most! So the least you can do is come out and show yourself!
Julia: Is it my turn yet?
Brandon (as Umbi): That was a lot.
Eric (as Piney): No!
Amanda (as Troy): So did Tessie send you or—
Eric (as Piney): I have eyes and ears everywhere!
Amanda (as Troy): Cool. So cut a deal with me, leave my— leave the— them out of it, and we can figure this out. I'm a pirate on my own now. I'm not with the crew.
Julia: Eric, am I like 10 feet away from Piney?
Eric: Where would you like to be?
Julia: I'd like to be 10 feet away from Piney.
Eric: You can be 10 feet away.
Julia: Behind them, probably.
Eric: You can certainly walk around while Piney was screaming everywhere you are.
Julia: Yeah.
Eric: Yeah.
Julia: I think Cammie is gonna go—
Julia (as Cammie): Conceal this, bitch!
Julia: And is gonna cast Pharaoh's curse.
Amanda: What's that?
Julia: Opening your palm, you release a puff of dust, the pestilence of mummy rot. Choose one creature within range to make a constitution saving throw. On a failed save, the target is cursed with mummy rot. The cursed target can't regain hit points, and its hit point maximum decreases by 3D 6 every 24 hours. If the curse reduces the target's hit points maximum to zero, the target dies and its body turns to dust.
Brandon: Holy shit.
Amanda: Oh, my God.
Eric: That's cool. So do you appear?
Julia: Yes, because when I cast a spell, I come out of go unseen.
Eric: Okay. What spell slot is this?
Julia: It's a fifth level spell spot.
Eric: Fifth Level spell, huh?
Julia: Oh, they want to counter spell me?
Eric: Piney is going to whip around and say—
Eric (as Piney): Finally, we'll finally figure out who the best magician is, or mage. I don't know why we watched you people chose the word magician!
Eric: Piney's going to counter spell that.
Julia: Great. Roll for it, bitch.
Eric: All right. What do I have to do? Oh, the DC equals 10 plus the spell's level.
Julia: Right.
Eric: Yeah.
Julia: So over a 15.
Eric: Okay.
Brandon: Eric, I don't think you can do it. Eric, I don't think you can do it. I don't think you're capable of doing so, Eric.
Amanda: Brandon, you know that taunting only fuels his fire.
Brandon: Eric, I think you can do it. You are very capable.
Amanda: There you go. There you go. That's the way.
Eric: All right. I got plus five, folks.
Julia: All right.
Amanda: Aah.
Eric: [dice roll]
Julia: What'd you roll, buddy?
Eric: That's a 5 plus a 9, which is a 14. God-fucking-damn it.
Julia: Hmm.
Brandon: Yeah! Eat shit, motherfucker!
Julia: Cool.
Eric: I love the idea that it's like steam and Piney's magic is just their pine needles.
Julia: Uh-hmm.
Eric: So it's like— there is the— of course, the blast of— like, there's the moment of the magics hitting each other with the needles and the steam, like shooting against each other, and then the steam overcomes them.
Julia: And it's also really cute, because the way that Mage Hand Mike has phrased this, it's really like Cammie appears with, like, golden dust in their hand, and then blows at Piney and goes— [blows]
Eric: So Piney's whole body is just covered in these pine needles?
Julia: Yeah.
Eric: And now, they're just fucking rotting, huh?
Julia: Uh-hmm.
Eric: Can I stop this?
Julia: You can. The curse lasts until removed by a spell or a magical effect that cures mummy rot. A remove curse spell cast using a spell slot of fifth Level or higher also ends the spell.
Eric: Sure.
Amanda: Well done.
Eric: Jesus Christ.
Julia: I've been saving that one for someone we really hate.
Amanda: There you go.
Julia: That's why, every once in a while, I'll ask you guys, be like, "How much do we hate this person? How much do we want them to die?"
Amanda: Hmm.
Brandon (as Umbi): Cammie, I thought you were pooping.
Eric: All right. So I tried to do that, and now I have— and now I get to roll the save?
Julia: Oh, yeah. Shit. You have to roll for the save now.
Eric: Okay.
Julia: It's a constitution saving throw.
Eric: Oh, constitution? Jesus. Okay. That's only a—
Amanda: This is a brittle pine tree, bitch.
Eric: That's only a plus 1, but I have—
Julia: Uh-hmm.
Eric: —advantage on saving throws against spells. Piney's been in the gym. So what am I looking for?
Julia: A 16.
Eric: All right.[dice roll] All right, I rolled a 3.
Brandon: Bad.
Julia: Hmm.
Eric: And a 15 plus 1 for a 16.
Julia: Fuck off.
Brandon: God-fucking-damn it.
Eric: So the steam envelops Piney and all of their pine needles, all over their body, I think, sticks outwards. Like just being blown around and consumed by the mummy's curse. And then it just, "Poof," pushes off.
Eric (as Piney): All right, I guess we're gonna have a fair fight here. Hey, do you know what happened to the school of fish pirates?
Julia (as Cammie): No. Why are you telling jokes right now?
Eric (as Piney): Exactly. The same thing that's gonna happen to you!
Julia (as Cammie): What?
Eric (as Piney): I'm gonna destroy you, and everyone is gonna forget about your cool, jaunty antics.
Brandon (as Umbi): What?
Julia (as Cammie): Who said it— I don't get the joke.
Amanda (as Troy): Wait, what's a fish?
Brandon (as Umbi): What's a school?
Eric: Don't worry, we're gonna make this a fair fight. There's three of you and one Cammie and there's one me and one Piney, so we're gonna kind of even it out.
Eric (as Piney): Helpful, pour the solution.
Eric: Over at the real life Salmon enclosure, Helpful Bare Bone, this sweet, cherubic child pours a gross, sticky solution all over the googly-eyed flotsam mess. And now, we flash back to lapse episode where Umbi wearing a top hat and a fake mustache.
Brandon: Uh-hmm.
Amanda: Normal.
Brandon: A perfect disguise.
Amanda: Normal.
Eric: Tried to fool this child.
Brandon: Yeah?
Eric: And I said that I rolled something for that, and I took a photo of it.
Amanda: Oh, shit.
Brandon: You did, indeed.
Eric: And Amanda, what is this?
Amanda: Yeah, that's—
Brandon: No, no, no, no, don't let him. Let me see it. Let me see it. Stare to the camera.
Eric: Fine. What's that, Brandon? Brandon, what's that?
Brandon: That's a Natural 20.
Eric: Is that like a ceremonial kind of dragon denoting a Natural 20?
Brandon: Yeah. It's like if the dungeon was the 1 and the dragon was the 20. It's a dragon.
Amanda: Shit.
Eric: And as Umbi walks out of the administrative office, immediately after a sun gull with a male person's carrier bag that immediately floats down and says—
Eric (as sun gull): [squawks] Mail.
Eric (as Tessie): All right, I'll get the mail.
Eric: And she reaches in the bag and takes a big stack of packages and papers, including a bunch of wanted posters for the three of you, plus the Sea Whip with Umbi's explosive grandpa—
Brandon: Uh-hmm.
Eric: —on top.
Brandon: Uh-hmm.
Eric: Be like—
Eric (as Tessie): Oh, I have to report this.
Brandon: Hmm.
Eric: And then she goes into the office, pulls out a big phone with— like, the receiver is the size of her head.
Julia: That's kind of adorable.
Amanda: Cute.
Eric: And on it, it says emergency "Book Depository Phone" and she says—
Eric (as Tessie): Yeah. Some wanted pirates just came into the office. Yeah. Uh-huh. Okay.
Eric: And on the other side, you see Piney slamming down their emergency phone and says—
Eric (as Piney): Tessie, I gotta go. Cammie's there. I'm gonna have to deal with it.
Julia (as Cammie): What are you, in love with me?
Eric: And Tessie the storm, who is laying on a really, really big hammock with her eight feet, arachnid feet in the air.
Eric (as Tessie): All right, you're gonna have to do what you're gonna have to do, but let me help you at least a little bit. You know, go into the— make sure to take the sticky potion.
Eric (as Piney): I will take the sticky potion. Thank you.
Eric (as Tessie): I love you.
Eric (as Piney): I love you, too.
Eric (as Tessie): Mwa.
Brandon: And they do a little butterfly kisses with their noses.
Eric: Oh, it's so gross. It's so disgusting. They're so in love. And we see Piney grab the potion, open the window. Show up in front of the little girl and says—
Eric (as Piney): Thank you for reporting these criminals. Here's what I'm going to need you to do.
Eric: And now we cut back to the present with Helpful Bare Bone pouring this gross, sticky webby solution all over the seaweed and sea foam with googly eyes Salmon.
Eric (as Helpful Bare Bone): I got it. I'm helpful.
Eric: And now, Piney just— both trying to talk to a child and shaking with anger.
Eric (as Piney): You absolutely are. Thank you. You don't think I would do this alone, would you? I have—
Brandon (as Umbi): A small child.
Eric (as Piney): I have a— I don't have a small child on my side. I have—
Amanda (as Troy): An old man from the toll booth?
Eric (as Piney): No, something much, much worse for you.
Eric: That is when the googly-eyed flotsam starts to shake, and the seaweed and the sea foam start to expand, because holding them together is crackling with Tessie the storm's electricity spider web. And there's just this undulating, moving, ever gooshing mass of web and seaweed with the googly eyes still locked on all of you, that is splooshing towards you.
Brandon: Gross.
Eric: You're right. It is gross.
Amanda: Hate it.
Eric: I think it's time to roll for initiative.
Brandon: Wee!
Amanda: [dice roll] Oh, mother fuck. 11.
Julia: 16.
Brandon: 13 for all googly eyes.
Eric: Old googly eyes?
Brandon: Uh-hmm.
Amanda: I've demoted that D 20. It's gone.
Julia: Damn.
Brandon: I swallowed it.
Eric: Okay, folks. With a Natural 20, I'm calling this the webbed Salmon.
Brandon: Ew.
Julia: Ew.
Amanda: Great name. Hate it.
Eric: It's— hey, it's supposed to be gross. It's supposed to be terrible.
Brandon: I know. You're effective— you're very effective at it, and it's gross.
Eric: It's very effective. And that—
Amanda: Eric, can I give you some positive feedback about your DM-ing today?
Eric: Sure.
Amanda: Fucking hate it. The thing you're describing.
Eric: Well, you're gonna hate this even more, because as soon as Cammie and Umbi, you get your first sight of this gross, undulating, squooshing thing. The webbed Salmon slips between the metal panels of the hull of this ship and disappears from sight, with a slorp.
Brandon: Okay.
Eric (as Piney): Oh, I'm sorry. You thought this would be easy. No, I'm actually very prepared, and I hate you all so much, so I'm channeling all of my energy into this all happening to you.
Julia (as Cammie):I don't really even think about you.
Brandon (as Umbi): Why do you hate us? We didn't do anything to you, it's fine.
Eric (as Piney): Why do I hate you? Because you shouldn't have the keys. You—
Amanda (as Troy): Why not?
Brandon (as Umbi): Got him.
Amanda (as Troy): We got him. We got some, we bought some, we stole some. That's the pirates.
Eric (as Piney): I think it's very— I think lots of people would agree that it's unfair how you use chaos as a ladder. Nothing is a ladder. You can't just climb up it like that. We have responsibilities to do thing— to do things the way that it should. And what are you gonna do when you have all the keys? You're gonna go to the Salmon and Umbi, you're gonna be like, "Oh, I wish I had a bomb so big it would solve all of our problems." And then Cammie would be like, "Huh? I don't know. Tea for everybody." And then Troy would be like, " I don't need a wish. I got it." No. You gotta put the keys to someone who would be responsible and be able to fix all of this. That's why I hate you.
Brandon (as Umbi): Right now, I'm thinking about wishing that you were in space without a spacesuit.
Amanda (as Troy): Wasn't the whole point of that whole meeting where everybody got attacked and there was pretty decent sandwiches that we'd determine what to do together?
Eric (as Piney): And if there's anything I noticed is that it got attacked by low levels, we got attacked by the low level zombies, and at the next step of zombies that's existing right now. So no, I'm gonna take care of it. And if the only way to do this is I have to kill every single one of you, I'm going to do it. So where's the keys? Give me the keys and you won't die. Where are the keys?
Amanda (as Troy): Fine, in my pocket. God, let me go.
Eric (as Piney): All right. I'll— we'll go check— I'm gonna go— we'll check Troy's pocket.
Eric: It's still the webbed— the webbed creature's turn as it moves over to Troy's coffin, out of sight. And then underneath the hull, it slorps around, and then slorps back up and gets inside of Troy's coffin.
Amanda (as Troy): There, the left boot.
Eric: And I'm gonna do investigation check. [dice roll] That's a Nat 20 as the webbed Salmon checks every preface of your body, Troy.
Julia: Oh.
Amanda: Well, Eric, in my left boot is the Dilly dagger, so how close do they get? Did they touch it?
Eric: With a Nat 20, I'm gonna say that the— that it notices the Dilly dagger and moves around it.
Brandon: Good idea, though. Good thought.
Eric: If I did not roll Natural 20, we would have had— we would have a problem.
Julia: I mean, useful to use when it's there.
Amanda: Yeah.
Eric: Good to know. It doesn't know that it's there and for your trouble—
Amanda: So we get an opportunity attack as it leaves?
Eric: No. It has the ability to move in and around your space.
Amanda: I should have known what— with the use of the verb slorp.
Eric: And for your trouble, Troy, you also get shocked for 12 points of lightning damage.
Julia: Hmm.
Amanda: Oh, God.
Eric: And the webbed Salmon slorps back out of you. With a 19 on initiative, it's Piney's turn.
Brandon: God-fucking-damn it.
Julia: Geez.
Eric (as Piney): I've set up this whole thing. I'm just gonna see what— I would love to see what happens next.
Eric: And Piney sits down and pulls a few of their needles off of the top of their head, and spreads it around in a circle, and an orb of green energy surrounds them. This is the spell globe of invulnerability.
Brandon: Whoa.
Julia: Uh-hmm.
Eric: So you'll see what happens there.
Brandon: Oh, okay.
Amanda: No, not leaving us in suspense.
Brandon (as Umbi): You fucking coward. Fight me like a tree!
Eric (as Piney): That's only what— that's what someone who's losing would say. So Troy doesn't have the keys. Do you have— next chance, who's gonna give me the keys?
Brandon (as Umbi): Kiss my butt!
Amanda (as Troy): Fine. I lied. We hid them in South Kompos, it's there. And if you want us to take you there, you're gonna have to move the ship and ours along with it.
Eric: All right. That is Piney's turn, sitting down inside of their globe of invulnerability. I think Piney also says—
Eric (as Piney): This is a globe of invulnerability. Try your best.
Julia: Cammie goes—
Julia (as Cammie): Okay.
Eric: And now, it is Cammie's turn with a 16.
Julia (as Cammie): They're really trying to show off, huh. Kind of embarrassing.
Eric (as Piney): You're kind of embarrassing!
Julia: Can I do a investigation check to try to spot this shlorping Salmon?
Eric: Sure thing. Well, it's not visible. It's below the hull. So how are you— tell me how you're doing.
Julia: I just want to get within 10 feet of it and, like— I just needed insight. You know what I mean?
Eric: Well, that's the issue. It's not insight.
Julia: Yeah. Yeah.
Eric: So unless you're doing something and see it, I can't let you do that.
Amanda: Blast a hole in the floor?
Julia: Right. I mean, like, my question is, is it using invisibility or is it just hiding? Because an investigation check should allow me to— if I roll high enough to see a hiding creature.
Eric: It is hiding but, like, unless you have a bead on it for another reason, because it's not in sight, right?
Amanda: Uh-hmm.
Eric: The creature is under your feet, hidden. So unless—
Julia: Right.
Eric: —there's a way for you to track it. You can't just use your eyes to find this thing is what I'm saying.
Julia: Okay. Can I then hold my turn for a reaction to cast dancing lights on this thing once it reappears?
Eric: Absolutely.
Julia: Cool.
Brandon: Smart, smart.
Eric: Love it.
Amanda: Love it. It's like when a horror movie and the killer's in the basement and we're standing in the dining room.
Eric: I like that. You're just kind of like waiting around for it?
Amanda: Uh-hmm.
Brandon: Just waiting to get killed, yeah.
Eric: Uh-hmm.
Julia: Yeah, back-to-back with knives in our hands, waiting.
Eric: Umbi, it is your turn.
Brandon: Is the kid got— I don't want to fight a kid. Is the kid got—
Eric (as the kid): There he is. The rich man who lied to me. He took documents from my dad's office.
Brandon (as Umbi): You're right. I am rich.
Brandon: Umbi is going to reach into his jacket pocket, like his breast pocket, pull out a vial, like a test tube style vial.
Eric: Love it.
Brandon: Sealed with a little stopper, a little cork stopper.
Eric: Uh-huh.
Amanda: God, I want to do a shot from a chemistry vial so bad.
Brandon: And take it like a dart, like lengthwise, close one eye, aim it directly at the coffin barrel, and throw it right at the barrel. And I'm going to throw a potion of aqua fortis. As an action, I can throw the vial up to 20 feet, shattering on impact, and it instantly dissolves a one foot cube of the object.
Julia: Ooh.
Eric: Love it.
Brandon: So hopefully, with your muscles—
Amanda: Yes.
Brandon: —you can just poke your way out of it now that you have a purchase, you know?
Amanda: Thank you.
Eric: I love it. Troy, once the— with a hole shot into this coffin, Troy, you are busted out. You are only held if the coffin holds.
Amanda (as Troy): Oh, thank you.
Brandon: Now, for flavor, can it be the butt?
Eric: It can be the bottom and Troy falls out, sure.
Brandon: Okay, that's good, too. I like that.
Eric: Yeah. Troy falls out of the bottom of the coffin, yeah.
Amanda (as Troy): Oh, thank you.
Brandon (as Umbi): Sorry.
Amanda (as Troy): Thanks.
Eric: Yep. Umbi, anything else?
Brandon: He's just gonna, like, scoff over at Piney and be like—
Brandon (as Umbi): [scoffs] Fucking coward.
Eric (as Piney): You're only a coward if you're losing.
Brandon (as Umbi): That's not— okay.
Julia (as Cammie): That's not how that works at all.
Eric (as Piney): I mean, I'm winning and you're losing.
Julia (as Cammie): I mean, we're objectively not yet.
Eric (as Piney): Well, we'll objectively see what happens next.
Julia (as Cammie): Okay.
Brandon (as Umbi): I really wanted to like you. You were so cool.
Amanda: I know.
Julia (as Cammie): Piney, I don't really think about you at all.
Eric (as Piney): Well, yeah, you're too busy destabilizing the entire world.
Julia (as Cammie): Okay.
Eric (as Piney): And you're also blase about it. It's fi— oh, I can just go around, and do whatever I want, and cause problems, and it's gonna go boom, boom, boom, boom, boom. I'm gonna go— you destroyed an entire town!
Brandon (as Umbi): Sorry, I can't hear you in the bubble. I can't— your voice doesn't go out of the bubble.
Eric (as Piney): Yes, you can hear me! You destroyed the Bullseye Games, a tradition of pirates for years.
Julia (as Cammie): No, a giant monster did. A giant monster did.
Eric (as Piney): Oh, yeah, of course.
Julia (as Cammie): Because of the machinations of Audrey the Rotten Queen.
Eric (as Piney): Oh, yeah, I'm sure that it was— yeah. Blame it on a child who was possessed by a zombie spirit. Great.
Julia (as Cammie): I mean, I'm blaming it on the zombie spirit.
Eric (as Piney): And I'm blaming it on you!
Julia (as Cammie): Okay.
Brandon (as Umbi): That's rich coming from someone who just enlisted a child soldier.
Eric: With an 11, Troy, it's your turn.
Amanda: Is there anything I can sense about this magical dome, having lived with Cammie for some time now?
Eric: You can make an Arcana check, if you'd like.
Amanda: All right, let's do it.
Julia: Can I— can Cammie tell Troy a fact about the dome? What'd you roll, a Nat 20?
Brandon: Doesn't matter.
Amanda: Nat 20.
Julia: Fuck yeah, dude.
Brandon: Nat 20.
Julia: Can we do a flashback where Cammie tells Troy about some magic shit?
Eric: Sure. Yeah, no, that sounds fun.
Julia: It's just— we flash back to just a casual day on the ship, and Cammie and Troy are sitting out, like enjoying the sun, like sunbathing, even though Cammie has little umbrella to stay out of too much heat.
Amanda (as Troy): Say, Cammie, if an enemy was ever to be like, "Hey, no, no, no, you can't hit me. I'm in like a snow globe thing now." What do I do?
Julia (as Cammie): Well, so here's the thing, Troy, it's usually people who use magic forget that there's attacks that aren't magic.
Amanda (as Troy): Yeah.
Julia (as Cammie): And so they think they're safe, even though they're behind a big magic bubble, when really you could just beat the shit out of them physically.
Eric: Julia, I should have known you were gonna look up the spell, but I—
Julia: No, I know globe of invulnerability.
Eric: Oh. But I only—
Julia: You could just beat the shit out of people in there.
Eric: I like that, but I would have needed someone to roll something like this, to have used—
Julia: Yeah.
Eric: —that amount of meta gaming, but absolutely, yes, that is 100% true. Global of invulnerability only protects—
Julia: What is it, up to, like, fifth level or something like that?
Eric: —any spell of fifth level or lower—
Julia: Yeah.
Eric: —cast from outside the barrier can affect creatures or within it. Even if the spell is cast a higher spell slot, it has nothing to do with physical attacks.
Brandon: That's so funny.
Julia: Uh-hmm.
Amanda: Then Troy's gonna use all his movement to back up as far as he can toward the back of the space and shoot one of his brand-new metal hurt 'em up a lot arrows at Piney.
Julia: You.
Brandon: Yay.
Julia: Fuck yeah, dude.
Eric: Oh, the terminal velocity arrows.
Amanda: Uh-hmm.
Eric: If you shoot these arrows, you can continue to ricochet them after any successful attack roll, you can continue to roll.
Amanda: All right.
Julia: You got this. This is— I was gonna say, this is the time where Amanda finally crits.
Amanda: Well, the first one doesn't hit. That was a six plus three for a nine. [dice roll] Five plus three for an eight.
Brandon: Throw that dice away.
Julia: Dice, throw it away. Throw it away.
Brandon: You're out of D 20s now.
Amanda: I only have this really big one.
Julia: Let me see, where's the big, chunky one? Maybe that'll serve you well. Troy's in there.
Amanda: Okay.
Julia: We can try and go find that arrow again.
Eric: Right. True, because that one didn't hit— it didn't hit terminal velocity, so it didn't irreparably jam itself into the wall. However—
Julia: Okay.
Eric: —I would say that you fire the arrow, it flies by Piney, and then bounces off of the back wall, and flies by them again.
Amanda (as Troy): Yep.
Julia (as Cammie): We'll find it later. It's okay.
Amanda: All right. That was my first attack with ricochet. Let me just do my second attack. Troy is going to draw a bomb arrow and try to hit Piney one more time.
Julia: Nice.
Amanda: [dice roll] It's a 12 to hit.
Eric: That's—
Julia: So chunky.
Brandon: Throw that dice away.
Eric: No, that does not hit.
Julia: That is gonna make it a dent in the floor with that dice.
Eric: It just goes [explosions] over Piney's head.
Eric (as Piney): You care so much more about flash than actually doing the right thing, and that's why I'm just gonna take care of you. I'm gonna take care of this whole thing.
Amanda (as Troy): [groans]
Eric: It is now the at the end of the initiative order, and on initiative one, I'm gonna do a lair action. I would like you all to choose a number between one and nine to demonstrate what square you are in this section.
Brandon: Okay.
Julia: 3.
Brandon: 9.
Amanda: 6.
Eric: Okay. So think about all that.
Julia: Hey, all multiples.
Brandon: Yeah.
Eric: And now I'm going to roll a D 10 as the webbed Salmon bursts out and tries to grab one of you. On a 10, I'm gonna do it to all of you.
Julia: Oh.
Brandon: Oh, okay.
Julia: Fun.
Eric: So keep your numbers in your head.
Brandon: Okay.
Eric: [dice roll] Looking for a 4.
Julia: No one.
Brandon: No more money.
Eric: That's a 4 on the bingo board.
Julia: But it does show itself?
Eric: It does show itself—
Julia: Okay.
Eric: —as it bursts out from in between, like, the seams of the hull and has to reach out and just grab you, this terrible googly eyes looking— are looking around at all of you.
Julia: Great. The dancing lights are then going to surround it.
Amanda: Yeah.
Eric: All right. Describe what that looks like.
Julia: So basically, it becomes these four torch-sized lights.
Eric: Uh-hmm.
Julia: And they— I'm gonna have them surround this figure, and each of them sheds a dim light up to 10-foot radius.
Eric: Okay. I like that the lights are now, like, stuck inside of the seaweed and sea foam and—
Julia: Can one be out of its, like, googly eye?
Eric: Yeah, you can be one— but it's like, behind the googly eye, yeah, for sure.
Julia: Uh-hmm.
Eric: I like that. I think it'll give you a better— if you want to try to get a— keep a bead on it, then you'll be able to track it and figure it out.
Julia: Great.
Eric: But it is, like, kind of— you'd be able to, like, track it magically, because, again, it is going in and out of the hull of the ship.
Julia: Cool.
Eric: Unless you can look through the hull of an aircraft carrier, you might have a problem, but that is something.
Brandon: I can, my character can't.
Julia: Hmm.
Eric: Oh, yeah, Brandon can.
Julia: Brandon can.
Eric: Yeah.
Julia: That's why he wears the glasses.
Brandon: Yeah.
Julia: That's why— yeah.
Eric: That's why he gave up his ability to see colors.
Brandon: It was a trade.
Eric: Yeah, with the devil, right, at the crossroads?
Brandon: Yeah. Exactly, exactly. Yeah.
Amanda: But being colorblind or deuteranomalous has been covered the whole time for your, like, NSA role, I'll be very impressed.
Brandon: I'm so glad that I've taught you the word deuteranomalous.
Eric: When every NYU music student graduates, they take you down to the crossroads.
Amanda: Yes.
Eric: That's why people go to NYU. You get to meet Clive Davis.
Amanda: Hmm.
Brandon: Yeah.
Eric: You get to go down to the crossroads.
Amanda: Uh-hmm.
Julia: Yeah.
Brandon: And if you don't do the crossroads before you graduate, you failed, so—
Amanda: Yeah.
Eric: It's like your practicum, yeah.
Brandon: Yeah, yeah.
Eric: For sure. All right. It is back to the top of the order with a 20 for the webbed Salmon again. And [dice roll] Piney is going to say—
Eric (as Piney): All right. Who has the key? Who has the key? You can just tell me and this will all be over.
Brandon (as Umbi): It's up my butt. You want it?
Eric (as Piney): Yes, I do! Up Umbi's butt.
Eric: And does a 16 hit your AC?
Brandon: Yes.
Eric: Great.
Julia: Yeah, but only Umbi's butt. Umbi's butt has a higher AC than the rest of him.
Eric: I also rolled an 18 on the dice for investigation, so the webbed Salmon is going to get all up in your crevice, especially your butt.
Brandon: Ooh. Ooh.
Eric: And then just gonna— he's going to envelop you, get all up in your space, and then disappear once again. And—
Brandon (as Umbi): Buy dinner first. Jesus.
Eric: And for your trouble— [dice roll] oh, this dice likes you.
Julia: That's nice of the dice.
Brandon: All dice love me, Eric.
Julia: That's just blatantly untrue. Can't imagine a more untrue thing.
Eric: 14 points of lightning damage.
Brandon: Okay.
Amanda: Oh.
Brandon: Not bad. Not bad. I am totally fine. It's like a static electricity, little shock, and as the Salmon leaves his body, and Umbi is just like—
Brandon (as Umbi): Ooh. Ho! I'm alert, I'm awake.
Eric: All right. It's now Piney's turn, and after watching the arrows fly through the globe of invulnerability, Piney reaches down and picks up the pine needles and the globe disappears.
Julia (as Cammie): What was the point of that, then?
Brandon (as Umbi): Looking cool? Is that a thing? I get it.
Eric (as Piney): I—
Brandon (as Umbi): It did look pretty cool.
Eric (as Piney): —hate you all so much. Shut up.
Brandon (as Umbi): Haven't shut it up in the past 197 years, and I won't start today.
Julia (as Cammie): Oh.
Amanda (as Troy): That's how old you are?
Julia (as Cammie): That's how old you are?
Brandon (as Umbi): I don't know, guys.
Julia: I have lost count. Who fucking knows?
Eric: What can I do?
Amanda: How about Piney just, like, gives up and goes back to bed?
Eric: Oh, what a good idea.
Amanda: Yeah.
Brandon: I was gonna say skip your turn maybe.
Amanda: Yeah.
Eric: Skip my turn?
Amanda: Uh-hmm.
Brandon: Yeah.
Amanda: Yield the fight.
Julia: It's a good suggestion.
Eric (as Piney): Well, Cammie, you haven't had the same opportunity as everyone else. And while the webbed Salmon takes its time, I'm gonna show you my real power.
Eric: Piney takes their hands and presses them together, and points towards Cammie's face.
[theme]