I'm Vincent Price, or I'm the employee at Tragic the Gathering who has the best Vincent Price impression. It's Halloween here in Lake Town City, when all the monsters come out with one last hurrah before they pull on their winter coats for the next six months. The "Great Masque of the Read Death" party is happening in the backroom of Tragic. But, you know, “Red” isn't the color, it's the past tense of “read.”
And the proprietors have a special edition book for everyone's gift bag at the party: a partially canonical edition of SLaM: the adventures of Moxie, Agent Smith and Futureproof. This is issue #11.5 - "When the Devil Knocks on the Door, Let The Heroes Answer It!"
This is a one shot using subclasses from the new NO CAPES reskinning guide! Check it out, and get the stats to play these classes and many more at home, at http://jointhepartypod.com/merch
Housekeeping
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Cast & Crew
- Dungeon Master, Co-Producer: Eric Silver
- Co-Host (Arnold Palmer aka FutureProof), Co-Producer, Editor, Sound Designer, Composer: Brandon Grugle
- Co-Host (Olivia Oxford aka Moxie), Co-Producer, Editor: Julia Schifini
- Co-Host (Agent Smith), Co-Producer: Amanda McLoughlin
- The Employee at Tragic the Gathering Who Has the Best Vincent Price Impression: Josh Rubino
- Multitude: multitude.productions
About Us
Join the Party is a collaborative storytelling and roleplaying podcast, powered by the rules of Dungeons and Dragons. That means a group of friends create a story together, chapter by chapter, that takes us beyond the tabletop to parts unknown. In the first campaign, we explored fantasy adventure, intrigue, magic, and drama. In the newest story, we tackle science, superpowers, a better future, and the responsibility to help others.
Every month, we sit down for the Afterparty, where we break down our game and answer your questions about how to play D&D and other roleplaying games at home. We also have segments at the beginning of each campaign to teach people how to play the game themselves. It’s a party, and you’re invited! Find out more at jointhepartypod.com.
Transcript
[Ominous organ music]
Narrator: Oh, hello. I didn't see you there. I was expecting someone else name Vincent Price or I'm the employee at Tragic the Gathering, who has the best Vincent Price impression? It's Halloween here in Lake Town City. When all the monsters come out for one last hurrah before they pull on their winter coats for the next six months. The great mask of the Red Death Party is happening in the back room of Tragic. But you know, red isn't the color. It's the past tense of red. And the proprietors have a special edition book for everyone's gift bag at the party, a partially canonical edition of SLaM The Adventures of Moxie, Agent Smith and FutureProof. They've been tracking the Robot Devil all over the city, thwarting the blend of the mechanical menace at every turn. If only Marx's personal assistant would stop getting captured. As they tried to detangle the Robot Devil's latest plan, forcing all churches in the city to use Latin again. But it's not Latin, it's an ancient evil text that mind controls people. The writers aren't Christians. So they don't know if this thing makes sense, but neither does FutureProof. So it's fine. Each of our heroes gets an invitation to a mansion in the mail and a secret that they don't want out. It's issue number 11.5 when the devil knocks on the door, let the heroes answer it. That's all, boys and ghouls! Don't stay up too late. And remember if the Robot Devil wants to come in, tell him to piss off and get a better costume!
[Organ music fades out]
[Ominous laughter]
Eric: It is our Halloween special for SLaM episode two!!
[Creepy laugh]
Everyone: OOOOOoooOOOO Spooky!!!
Eric: Hello, we're back. We're back in LBB.
Julia: What was it again? Lagoon Burrow Burg.
Eric: Lagoon Burrow Burg, exactly!
Julia: Great.
Eric: Yeah, man. Hello. It's Halloween and it's hot now when we're recording it. But I can feel the ghosts chilling me so that I could wear a sweater and it's much better honestly being possessed. Sounds great.
[Brandon and Julia laughing]
Brandon: And Halloween is the best time of the year. We all know this.
Julia: It's true, it's the fact.
Eric: Well canonically fall is the best season. You're all just gonna have to deal with it. You've all been brainwashed by big school saying that summer is the best.
Amanda: And if you don't have a costume prepared, remember that you can just go as a D&D player because D&D players look like everybody! [Air horn noises]
[Julia makes air horn noises]
Eric: Let's do a Halloween one shot. How about that?
Brandon: I'm down. That sounds great, Eric!
Julia: Sounds good.
Eric: Let's have everyone introduce themselves, and as you're getting ready for Halloween, I want you to tell me what costume your character is wearing.
Julia: I'm playing Olivia Oxford, a.k.a. Moxie. And Moxie is gone for a real classic costume this year. Miranda Priestly from The Devil Wears Prada. Is it a dated reference? Yes. Does she care? No, not at all. It speaks to her.
Eric: Is Moxie a dated reference? Tune in to find out!
Julia: Who's to say!
Amanda: I am Agent Agent Smith. Who has gone, yes, as Agent Smith from The Matrix in the past. But this year is going as Neo.
Julia: A bold choice.
Amanda: Oh yes.
Eric: Very good.
Brandon: I am Arnold Palmer, a.k.a. FutureProof. And this year, as every year he's going as a block of tofu because in the future all we can eat is soy. And every Halloween we pay respect to our farmers by going as blocks of soy.
Julia: Every time you talk about the future, I get sad.
[Brandon laughing]
Julia: Is that a choice?
Eric: What I love about Brandon's chaos, is that ultimately it usually comes out as a very deep reference to something he wasn't touching on because in Resident Evil 2, the video game, you can play as a block of tofu.
Brandon: Really?
Eric: Yes. Like there are some big nerds that go up to FutureProof and be like, "oh, man, what a deep Resident Evil cut!" Because it's just like a block of tofu holding a gun.
Brandon: And it's just like
Brandon (as Arnold): What?! You're also from 2032?.
Eric: I love it. Amazing. Alright, so I think that we're all having a Halloween party on top of the sushi place in the office.
Amanda: I'm glad you recall my greatest conjuration.
Eric: I remember because of Brandon's portent roll the sushi places like Open 24/7 now I feel like that's the effect. It's like, "oh, maybe we shouldn't close. People always want sushi!" And now they're just always open.
Julia: I understand.
Amanda: Got that night shift sushi. That eight a.m. end of the night shift sushi.
Eric: That's exactly that's how they do it in LBB. I think you're having just like an office Halloween party and it's just the three of you and Charles/Charlie who's dressed up as the scarecrow from the Wizard of Oz. He's said, "if only I have had a brain" many times in which you think that is he okay? Is he trying to allude to something.
Brandon: It's not great for your employee to say that, that many times.
Brandon: You really shouldn't. We say it's not really a joke if you just keep saying it over and over again.
Julia (as Moxie): I pay for his health care. It's very concerning.
Eric: I think that you get a ding dong at the front door and Charlie opens the door and there is no one there. It's a ghooost!
Brandon: Too spooky, Eric!!
Julia: Too spooky!
Eric: No, I'm just kidding. There's nobody there. But there are three letters that are sealed with a red wax seal with the Robot Devil's face on it. And they're all addressed to all three of you.
Amanda (as Agent Smith): This guy, again?
Brandon (as Arnold): I thought we got rid of this guy. Is he still around?
Julia (as Moxie): Yes. Yeah.
Eric (as Charlie): You never really wrapped up that whole church thing. I thought we were taking a break because of Halloween.
Julia (as Moxie): That is fair. Yes. I you know, it's odd. These letters remind me of the time I was invited to a masquerade ball ast Quentin Tarantino's house but that's besides, the point.
Eric (as Charlie): It was weird how he underlined "no shoes" so many times when the invitation.
Julia (as Moxie): It was very odd. I had to wear very high boots and it made me uncomfortable.
Eric (as Charlie): He almost didn't want you in, that was the whole problem.
Eric: Yeah. And each one of you have a letter addressed to each one of you.
Brandon: Pick it up and read them.
Julia: Yeah.
Eric: Wonderful.
Amanda: Yeah.
Eric: Do you read them in front of each other like?
Players: Yes.
Brandon: It's mail you gotta read it right away or doesn't count!
[Eric laughs]
Julia: That's true.
Amanda (as Agent Smith): As a devotee of classic murder mysteries, it is incumbent that we share information with each other. Secrets from one another enable whatever is happening to happen more.
Eric: Wonderful, yeah, I think you all read it, you all read together, all of them start the same way.
Eric (as Robot Devil): [Cackling] HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!!
Julia: How is that spelled?
Eric: Oh, lots of H's lots of A's.
Eric (as Robot Devil): It is I!! The Robot Devil!! I'm here to invite you to the party I'm throwing. Of course, you could always choose not to attend, but then I could tell everyone your deepest secret.
Eric: And then below each of you has written out, you know, concisely your deepest and darkest secret. And I would love it if we went around and said, what is your deepest and darkest secret for each of your characters?
Amanda: I genuinely think that Agent Agent Smith's terrible secret would be that she got a B in calculus in college,
[Brandon and Julia laughing]
Amanda: but if that's not in the spirit of the game, Eric, you can tell me otherwise.
Eric: No, that's perfect. No, I love that. I can only imagine that the Robot Devil is like trying to just summarize it and get like stuff all of the terribleness, like, one sentence is like
Eric (as Robot Devil): YOU GOT A B IN CALCULUS AND IT'S YOUR WORST SHAME!
Julia: Moxie stole the idea for the Pikachu Thanksgiving Day balloon and never credited the person that she stole it from.
[Eric laughing]
Eric: What did you steal it from? Was like a child was just like saying it and you were like, oh, I'm going to do this!
Julia: No I feel like it was like a corporate espionage kind of thing.
[Everyone laughs]
Julia: Moxie wasn't a good person necessarily.
Eric: No, I think that's very funny. Also, there's a Macy's Thanksgiving Day wiki just so you guys know.
Julia: Thank God!
Brandon: That's cool.
Eric: Yeah, it's like
Eric (as Robot Devil): I know what you did 20 years ago in the boardroom! Pikachu. Thanksgiving. Sound familiar to you?? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.
Julia: Moxie is silent.
Brandon: I think Arnold's biggest secret, his secret shame is that his favorite decade is the 1980s.
Eric: Wonderful
Amanda: Gasp.
Eric (as Robot Devil): I know you went back in time and seen Duran Duran in concert 50 times.
[Everyone gasps]
Brandon (as Arnold): Oh, What? That. What? No.
Eric: How would you know that? Yeah. So do you say this part out loud or do you just-
Julia: Moxie just folds up the letter and puts it in between her boobs and she's like,
Julia (as Moxie): No, we're not going to discuss that at all!
Brandon: Yeah. Arnold eats it.
Julia (as Moxie): A bold choice.
Amanda: Agent Smith pulls a lighter out of the the kitchenette drawer and sets her on fire and then is like,
Amanda (as Agent Smith): Woah woah wait, some people should save theirs. That was rash of me, because we need some clues as to where it came from, forensics, etcetera. Let's never speak of these secrets again because transparency has its limits.
[Brandon laughing]
Eric: Charlie notices that there's one more in front of the door and he picks it up and he opens it. He's like,
Eric (as Charlie): This is a party invitation to an address outside of town? I guess. If you really want to burn yours house, you can keep this one.
Amanda (as Agent Smith): Thank you. Yes, Charles, I will.
Eric (as Charles): Okay, so are we going to go? I can't make decisions if I only had a brain!
Julia (as Moxie): Oh, Charles, I'm so sorry. Do we need to get you help?
Eric (as Charlie): No, just a raise, probably.
Julia (as Moxie): I pay for your healthcare!
Eric (as Charlie): That's the minimum that you should be doing!
Julia (as Moxie): I subsidize your acupuncture.
[Everyone laughing]
Eric: So you have this invitation to an address that's like on the outskirts of town.
Julia: Can we look up who this address belongs to?
Eric: Yeah, sure. If you want to.
Amanda: Yeah, I'll pull out my SLaM computer and log in with the the bio VPN and-
[Brandon laughs]
Julia: Sure.
Amanda: Would you like for me to roll Eric?
Eric: Yeah! Why don't you make an investigation check.
[Dice rolls]
Amanda: A 19!
Eric: A 19, yeah, I think you look into it and you have like super Google Maps with you, you can steer your way all the way out there and it's all the way outside of Lagoon Burrow Berg, like you got to take windy roads and it's like all foggy and stuff and you're not getting a lot of data when you go out there. It's just like a plot of grass.
Amanda (as Agent Smith): There's no structure on this land.
Brandon (as Arnold): Is like an outdoor party?
Amanda: And are there any building permits that I can find?
Julia (as Moxie): I love an outdoor party. Everything is better in a tent.
Eric: I think this rankles you specifically because it looks like someone scanned this permit and it's like someone drew on it with Sharpie over all of the requisite form areas. And it's like "BIG HOUSE, Robot Devil."
Amanda (as Agent Smith): Okay, there is nothing further of value to be found.Clearly something is up, but. I think it's worth investigating.
Brandon (as Arnold): It's definitely a trap. Let's go.
Julia (as Moxie): I love a party that's also a trap. If the Riddler were real, I would go to every single event he crashed.
[Everyone laughing]
Eric: Jesus, alright. I think you guys all get in Moxie's really nice car with Charles. And Charles wants to come because he never gets invited to parties. So he just really wants to be involved and you drive as you drive out of town, Brandon, let's do your your prediction!
Brandon: Okay! Once per game session, I get to declare a specific action that I believe is going to happen. And if it does happen, I get some bonus to it. So,
Eric: Wow, that's a whatever you're pulling from that subclause sounds really great!
Brandon: I know it does. It sounds really cool and good and very fun and good.
Eric: Yeah. You should definitely go buy it is No Capes which is written by me. You can buy in the Join the Party online store.
Brandon: I think a very specific action that I think is definitely going to happen because there's no way it's not, is that I think Charles is going to fall through a trapdoor in the floor.
Amanda: Excellent.
Brandon: And if he does I get a bonus to save him from doing that.
Eric: Wonderful. Okay, I will be honest with you. And if I had written that down in my notes, I will give you that bonus. I promise, D.M. Swear.
Brandon: Cool, and then I'm also going to roll my two portent dice and will not tell you what they are.
Eric: Good
Brandon: Cool.
Julia: No reaction from Brandon, we don't know if it's good or bad.
Brandon: Who can say?
Julia: Who can say?
Eric: Yeah, you drive up to the address, which is 1000 Draculas with an S Drive.
Julia (as Moxie): Who named these streets?
Brandon (as Arnold): There's more than one of those guys.
Amanda (as Agent Smith): This is an illegal street sign. We definitely have cause to search the property.
[Eric laughing]
Julia (as Moxie): I don't know if that's how well works, but I appreciate the hustle.
Brandon (as Arnold): I don't think we've got new warrants before.
Amanda: I look at Moxie over my Keanu Reeves sunglasses and say
Amanda (as Agent Smith): I am the law.
[Eric laughing]
Julia (as Moxie): Damn!
Eric: Yeah, as you drive up there, you all looked at the image. It was just like a block of grass before, and now there is a massive three storey mansion just there as gothic as all hell. There's like gargoyles in places there shouldn't be gargoyles like there are gargoyles like on the edges, but there's also a gargoyle like in the front yard and one in front of a window. There's just too many gargoyles. There are flying buttresses everywhere, if real, real scary and spooky. Someone also, like, intentionally ruined the walk up. So it's like you're stepping on terrible stone, like they made it really nice and then they destroyed it and made it all dangerous. And in front of you you see the there are two massive double doors with doorknobs that have the Robot Devil's face. And one of them has a key that's like in his mouth.
Julia (as Moxie): Gross. I'm going to go turn that key.
Eric: Wonderful, Moxie as you walk up to the front door, the door just kind of creaks open.
Julia (as Moxie): I'm going to take that key with me because I've seen horror movies before,
[Brandon laughs]
Julia (as Moxie): Don't split up and look for clues.
Eric (as Charlie): I won't, do we all need to reveal our sexual experience because I know that the Virgin always dies.
Amanda (as Agent Smith): No.
Eric (as Charlie): I'll go first. Four.
Julia (as Moxie): Okay, Charles, that's too much for me to know as your employer,
[Eric cackling]
Eric: I couldn't help myself, I'm sorry, I laughed at my joke. Brandon, edit it out!
Brandon: It was a really good joke.
Eric: As you walk inside, all of the lights spring on. But there are lights from, like, totally different eras. You see, there's a there's like a turn of the century gaudy chandelier that comes on. There's like Edison bulbs all over this massive foyer. And then there's also like torches that all of a sudden spring to life. He goes,
Eric (as Robot Devil): HA HA HA HA HA!!!! You're never going to find me. I've got a place you wouldn't look. But of course, maybe your secrets are keeping you from, I don't know, doing your best work or something. Signed the Robot Devil! MEEE!! Happy Halloween!
Julia (as Moxie): He's-he's signing the audio that played over the the microphones? An interesting choice.
Amanda (as Agent Smith): Apparently.
Brandon (as Arnold): Is he under the mat? Is he under the welcome mat? That's where I put things.
Julia (as Moxie): Why don't you go check FutureProof.
Eric: Would you like to check under the mat?
Brandon: Yeah, I do.
Eric: Okay, roll in investigation check.
[Dice rolls]
[Dice echoing across the ground]
[Brandon freaking out noises]
Brandon: [Very faintly] Bye guys!
Brandon: [Back at his mic] Well, Eric, that's a 24!
Julia: Shit!
Eric: OH! Wonderful. Under the mat, there's a piece of paper, and written on it in Sharpie says "watch out for the skeleton room."
Julia (as Moxie): Maybe he's in the skeleton room.
Brandon (as Arnold): Wait, wait, wait. But I didn't find the the devil, but I did find this piece of paper. That says "watch out for the skeleton room." So, maybe we shouldn't do that.
Julia (as Moxie): Maybe he's in the skeleton room, maybe he's saying that because he said we he wouldn't be in the place we'd look. Or what? I don't remember. The skeleton room!
Brandon (as Arnold): Moxie, are you- are you drunk?
Julia (as Moxie): [Slurring her words] Only a little bit.
Eric: Alright, this is very like Luigi's Mansion sort of mansion. It's just like spooky and scary. And there are six doors that you can look at. There are four doors on the lower level and two doors up on a higher level that you would walk up a grand staircase leading to the second floor there. We can just number them for you. So starting on the bottom left, it is one and then two on the left side of the grand staircase, there is three and four on the bottom. On the right side of the grand staircase, top left is five and top right is six.
Julia: Eric, may I make like a perception check to listen and if I hear, like, bones clicking and clacking together?
Eric: Absolutely!
Julia: Great.
[Dice rolling]
Amanda: I would also like to look at the sort of filigree and carving and decoration and see if any of them involve calculus.
Eric: Okay, Amanda, make an arcana check.
[Dice rolls]
Julia: I rolled an 18 on my perception check.
Eric: Wonderful.
Amanda: I only have an 8.
Eric: With an 8, unfortunately, agents with you got a B in calculus. So you lost the majority of that from college.
Brandon: Wow.
Amanda: Damn.
Julia: Wow.
Eric: With an 18 Moxie, you do hear the clicking and clacking of skeletons, which is in room number five, the top left room.
Julia (as Moxie): I would love to go there.
Eric: You also hear there's like beeping that is happening. Like, it seems rhythmic, but it's like very faint.
Julia: I can't tell where it's coming from?
Eric: No. You just know that you hear it.
Julia (as Moxie): Well, I'm going to go with my first instinct because it's always correct and I'm going to go investigate the skeletons.
Brandon (as Arnold): But I have the papers that says don't do that.
Julia (as Moxie): I want to do it, though. I'm sure that's where he is!
Julia: Ignoring my advice to not split up and look for clues. I charge up the stairs and go to find the skeleton room.
Brandon (as Arnold): Okay, I guess. Okay.
Brandon: And Arnold follows along.
Amanda (as Agent Smith): Very well.
Eric: Alright, so you go to the top left room and you open it and no one has oiled any of these doors before, so they go creeeeeeeeeeeak.
Brandon: How many cobwebs are in this house, Eric?
Eric: Oh, my God. Let me roll for that.
[Dice rolling]
Julia: It's weird that there's a lot of cobwebs because, you know, this was a brand new construction.
Amanda: Oh, yeah.
Eric: There are eleven cobwebs Brandon in this one room.
Brandon: That's a lot of cobwebs.
Eric: You open the door and then all of a sudden you hear two claps of two bony hands together that goes and the lights spring on and there's just like thirty skeletons just hanging out in this room.
Amanda (as Agent Smith): Oh my.
Brandon (as Arnold): If we don't move they might not hear us.
Eric: All of the skeletons, they're all like they were taken from a high school biolab. They're all like the hanging thing and they're all just pointed in different directions. So they're all just kind of like they were just scattered in this room.
Julia: Huh? Alright. I'm going to summon my giant flaming buster sword, and step into the room.
[Brandon laughs]
Eric: Yeah mean, you're standing in a room of skeletons with your flaming magical sword.
Julia (as Moxie): Are any of you real?
Brandon (as Arnold): She's got some real moxie, huh?
Julia (as Moxie): That's why they named me that. Well, that's why I named me that.
Amanda (as Agent Smith): You are permitted one of those per day FutureProof and you have used yours.
Eric: Incredible. Yeah. What are you just say- are you just asking?
Julia: Yeah, I want a roll like, I don't know, a persuasion roll or something. Be like
Julia (as Moxie): If any of you are real skeletons, you have to tell me that's the law. Apparently.
Eric: Yeah, roll a persuasion!
[Dice rolling]
Julia: 16.
Eric: Okay with a 16, in the back right corner of the room you hear like
Eric (as Voice): That's not how it works! We have skeleton immunity, what do we lose our flesh? We don't have to talk to you.
[Brandon laughs]
Julia: I just point my sword at him and be like,
Julia (as Moxie): Well, you already did, darling. So why don't you tell me what's going on here?
Eric: Moxie you can't tell which skeleton it is. There are three possible skeletons of this.
Julia: Well, it's a very big sword.
Eric: The sword is point at skeletons at the same time, I love it. Yeah, you as soon as that skeleton stops talking, they just all look like regular skeletons.
Julia: Hmm. I just I hope one of them I poked the one in the middle.
[Eric laughs]
Brandon: With your like flaming sword on fire?
Eric: How much? Yeah, can your roll damage for your sword please?
Julia: Sure, do you want me to roll in attack or?
Eric: No, no. I think to a defenseless skeleton. I think you just roll damage with your flaming magic sword.
Julia: Okay,
[Dice rolling]
Julia: Uh, 4.
[Dice rolls]
Julia: Oop another 4.
[Dice rolling]
Julia: 6, so that's 14 and 5, that's 19 +8? 19 +8. Does that sound right?
Eric: That sounds about right. Yeah, 27, yeah. This one skeleton just kind of crumbles into bones as it falls off of its stand. And you see that the skeleton next to him then like with terrible 90s, I'm thinking like Halloweentown, CGI, like the eyes and mouth of this skeleton next to it was like,
Eric (as Skeleton): [In a thick New York accent] Oh you don't I have to kill us or anything like that. I'd be less afraid of it if I didn't have any flesh. But I'm not!
[Everyone laughing]
Julia (as Moxie): That's what we call the iRobot approach. Thank you.
Brandon: Nice, nailed it!
Eric (as Skeleton): Terrible- that reference was dated even for me. And I'm old bones ha cha cha cha.
Julia (as Moxie): Oh, boy. So what's your name? What's your story and what are you doing here?
Eric (as Skeleton): Well, they call me Skeleton 27. I live with the skeleton room and my story? Well, I can just tell you the head bone's connected to the neck bone, the neck bones connected, etcetera, etcetera.
Amanda (as Agent Smith): You too get one per day, and you have used yours.
Eric (as Skeleton): Oh you sound, you sound uhh. Oh I'm sorry I did- the duster and the glasses make you feel very, very important. So I will do that. Okay.
Amanda (as Agent Smith): Thank you.
Brandon (as Arnold): iRobot is the number one movie in like 20? 2004 or whenever it came out and it's also the number one movie in 2078. It got two runs.
Julia (as Moxie): Everything is cyclical darling.
Brandon (as Arnold): Yeah.
Eric (as Skeleton 27): Okay, well you found me. Congratulations.
Julia (as Moxie): Thank you. Do you know where the Robot Devil is?
Eric (as Skeleton 27): Like emotionally, or spiritually, or like-
Julia (as Moxie): I mean physically but also those other things might be helpful.
Eric (as Skeleton 27): I mean, emotionally and spiritually is the Robot Devil, I think you've got to make your own assessments. Let's just say he does not have an empathy bone. Ha cha cha cha cha.
Julia (as Moxie): Oh boy.
Brandon (as Arnold): Do you have one of those?
Eric (as Skeleton 27): I do. It's right next to the hip.
[Brandon laughing]
Julia (as Moxie): Physically, though, darling?
Eric (as Skeleton 27): Physically, he's definitely here, I think. I think he's definitely the one making that beeping sound.
Julia (as Moxie): Oh! Okay. Wonderful. Do you know where the beeping sound is coming from or no?
Eric (as Skeleton 27): No, I don't. You don't actually not that I think about it. Hey, Marty!
Eric (as Marty): [With a deeper, glum tone] Yeah? What is that?
Eric (as Skeleton 27): Hey, Marty! When you hear the beeping sound? It's not just beeps, right? It's like something else?
Eric (as Marty): Yeah, it's, uh, it's kind of a language that they used before.
Eric (as Skeleton 27): What was the name of the language like moss code?
Eric (as Marty): Yeah. Yeah, I think it was moss code.
Eric (as Skeleton 27): Yeah. I think he's using moss code or something.
Brandon: Spoooooky.
Julia (as Moxie): Well, I was going to say you're not a particularly useful skeleton, but that was actually quite helpful. Yes.
Eric: Brandon, Morse code is the spookiest way of communicating.
Amanda: It's true.
Julia (as Moxie): Agent Smith, you seem like someone who maybe studied Morse code in agent school.
Amanda (as Agent Smith): Yes, of course, we were restrained and locked in different supply closets all around the training facility. And then we had to signal for help and convince our classmates via Morse code what favors we would do or homework assignments we would complete for them in order to convince them to let us out. I was there for thirty six hours.
Julia (as Moxie): That sounds terrible.
Amanda: I would like to return to the sound of the Morse code and cast comprehend languages to try to understand it.
Eric: Hell yeah! Okay. Now that you're listening for it, it doesn't sound as clear in the skeleton room. So you want to go back to the foyer?
Julia: Yes.
Eric: Okay, wonderful.
Julia (as Moxie): Thank you. Skeleton's you're all wonderful. I'm sorry I burned one of you.
Eric (as Marty): That's fine. That guy had really bad opinions about literature.
Julia (as Moxie): Good.
[Eric laughs]
Eric: Yeah. You go, you go back out to the foyer. Charles has just been waiting there like got his phone out.
Julia (as Moxie): Why didn't Charles come with us? Dammit Charles.
Eric (as Charlie): You, you did tell me what to do. If only I had a brain.
Julia (as Moxie): Charles, you follow me everywhere from now on, alright?
Eric (as Charlie): Okay!
Julia (as Moxie): Wonderful, and don't participate in a fight because I get a bonus when you don't.
Eric (as Charlie): Okay, I won't!
Eric: What does comprehend language do?
Amanda: It allows me to comprehend any language I hear or see.
Eric: Oh wonderful! Make a perception check for me and you can also use your bonuses because of your subclass.
[Dice rolls]
Amanda: I got a 15 which means I can also ask the DM a question.
Eric: Because of your mission control subclass for the artificer, only available here at No Capes.
Amanda: Wow, I love that one feat as well. Amazing.
Eric: Incredible.
Amanda: What here can I use to defeat the Robot Devil?
Eric: Great, I think if you think if there are skeletons in here, that means there are probably other, like, silly and spooky creatures that could probably help you find the Robot Devil, and it's definitely you're putting this mystery together. So it seemed like everyone here is very like neutral-neutral or chaotic neutral. Like I don't think anyone other than the Robot Devil is explicitly on the Robot Devil side. So if the skeletons can give you some information, maybe if there are other people around or other creatures or things around, they could also help you.
Amanda: Okay, okay.
Eric: So with a 15, you can also make out a snippet of the Morse code as it kind of goes around and you hear this.
[Morse Code beeps]
Eric: And that translates to "what a failure at calculus!"
[Brandon laughs]
Brandon: Oh, no!!!
Julia: What a sick burn!
Eric: They don't know, you're the only one who doesn't. I know I go kind of ashen and then say
Amanda (as Agent Smith): He's saying that we are all failures.
Julia (as Moxie): Well, that's depressing and not very useful.
Brandon (as Arnold): Yeah, that's quite rude, just like broadcast that constantly.
Amanda: I would love to follow the source of the sound as best as I can make it out.
Eric: Now that you come back down the stairs, you hear it coming from above.
Brandon: Before we follow it, Arnold says,
Brandon (as Arnold): Well, I got some to make sure it's here and can I cast contact other plane?
Eric: Yeah, what do you, let me look that up. What do you want to contact.
Brandon: So it's supposed to contact like a demigod or a spirit or something to ask them yes or no questions. But I'm just going to look like 10 seconds into the future to get those answers.
Amanda: Fascinating.
Eric: I love this.
Brandon: I have to make a 15 intelligence saving throw and on a successful one. You answer up to five questions with yes, no, maybe, never, irrelevant, or unclear.
Eric: Okay, so you're contacting time, which means you're contacting the DM as the demigod.
Brandon: Yeah, so I'm going to roll my intelligence saving throw.
Eric: Amazing.
Amanda: What are you doing in the house as you as you commune, Future Proof?
Brandon: I think you just see like, you know, in movies where you do an above shot and there's one person and then like the future version of himself, just like split off. Yeah. It's just like that.
Julia: Ooo!
Amanda: Cool.
Eric: I want to make a point that if you fail and this is straight from Dungeons and Dragons shout out with the coast, you're insane and you can't take actions to understand what other creatures say, can read or speak and only in gibberish.
Brandon: Right. But it's fine because Eric, I got 19. 10 +9.
Julia: Nice!
Amanda: Oooo!
Eric: Oh that's right! Yeah, I like this, I like the idea with FutureProof. You're seeing how yourself, the characters split off and you're looking at me writing my notes yesterday where I'm like typing things and I'm like "heh heh heh, this is going to be great." So yeah, ask some questions.
Brandon: Okay,
Brandon (as Arnold): Is the Robot Devil in door number one?
Eric: No
Brandon (as Arnold): Is the Robot Devil behind door number two?
Eric: No.
Brandon (as Arnold): Is the Robot Devil behind door number three?
Eric: No.
Brandon (as Arnold): Is the Robot Devil behind door number four?
Eric: No.
Brandon: And we already went into five, right? That's what you said.
Eric: Yes.
Brandon (as Arnold): Is the Robot Devil behind door number six?
Eric: No.
Julia: Oooo!
Eric: And the hole that you're into my notes, I just hit delete and delete it. I throw you out of it.
[Spooky transition note]
Amanda: Hey, it's Amanda, I don't know if there is a pleasure, I enjoy more than pouring something into a container and it is exactly the right size, a smoothie into a glass jar, a thing of chocolate chips into a pop container, it is absolutely wonderful. It makes me feel like I am an Olympian or some other kind of elite specialist or like, I don't know, a rocket scientist when I'm able to correctly imagine the space of the container, the space of the stuff I have to pour. And it's exactly right. Welcome to the midroll
Thank you to everyone who has joined our Patreon in the last week: deborah, Erin, Rachael, Shira, Beth Anne, Liberty, Jessicaelise87, Carmen, Abraxos, Clara and Jen.We’re so grateful for each and every person who supports us on Patreon. You literally make it possible for this to be our jobs, and we could not do it without you. Every episode we release bonus content like bloopers and character backstories, and maybe some special audio like the game of Clear Eyes Full Hearts that Eric is running with some friends of ours. Will it have canonical implications? Who can say??? To get access to all of these benefits and to help ensure we can keep making this show, join us for as little as $5 a month at patreon.com/jointhepartypod.
If you’re enjoying this oneshot, you can pick up NO CAPES in our merch store! There are breakdowns of every class and their superhero parallels, 7 new subclasses for your superhero game including the ones we’re playing today, 13 new consumable items created by the mad scientist Dr. Morrow, and a deep dive into the mechanics of re-skinning, no matter the genre. Plus RPG CityPlanner, a full collaborative world-building game that can be used as an addition to any system. All of that is available in NO CAPES, at jointhepartypod.com/merchThis oneshot was made possible by Hero Forge. They offer fully customizable tabletop miniatures with thousands of choices to dive into and customize: your character’s face, haircut, proportions, armor, clothing, accessories, even animal familiars. One feature I love is that you can even change your mini’s base from a tabletop version to one for initiative tracking with DM screens and even a necklace. They now also have a color option! You can get your minis in color!! Ahh!!! So visit HeroForge.com to start designing your custom miniature today, and check back often because new content is added every week. That’s heroforge.com.
And now, let’s get back to the show.
[Spooky transition note]
Brandon (as Arnold): Well, I did some fancy future stuff and the Robot Devil is not behind any of these doors, so there's probably some secret trap thing above us or something that we should probably find.
Julia (as Moxie): That feels right given the circumstances.
Eric: Charlie says
Eric (as Charles): A secret trap?! How in the world would there be a secret trap?
Eric: And then you look over and his hand is in a torch and is on fire.
Amanda: Oh, my.
Eric: He's like
Eric (as Charlie): AHHHH!
Julia (as Moxie): Charles, no!
Eric (as Charlie): If only I had a braid to deal with this!
Julia (as Moxie): Damn it, Charles.
Eric: And then you see the flame that climbs up his hand and now his hand is gone. And I was arm is gone? It is going really fast.
Amanda: I cast a dispel magic.
Eric: Okay, wonderful.
Julia: This is the thing that FutureProof would have got an advantage on?
Eric: No, because Brandon said explicitly if you fell into a pit.
Julia: Okay, he just leaned into this one.
Eric: Yes. What is dispel magic look like in this technological super world?
Amanda: I think that out of Agent Smith's watch, a few, like almost nanobots, fly out and they are equipped with the ability to do like a fire extinguisher type cloud, or a net or just a sort of like shocking like neutralizing electric pulse. In this case, it is more of a fire extinguisher. And so there is some like foam that envelops the flames and they stop.
Eric: Wonderful. Yeah. Why don't you make a spell casting check for me?
[Dice rolls]
Amanda: 17!
Brandon: That's pretty good!
Eric: Yeah, as you go over to the Charlie who’s on the ground, you wipe the of the foam out of the way and they're just like "was Charlie made out of straw before and did he have just a smiley face and eyes that were drawn on with a Sharpie?”
Brandon: Oh no.
Eric: Was he made out of a burlap sack this entire time?
Brandon (as Arnold): No one knows really. I mean, like I don't think any of us have been that close to Charlie before.
Julia (as Moxie): I can confirm that he was not made of burlap before this moment.
Amanda (as Agent Smith): My nanobots would have dispelled any effect on his body. This must mean that this was always a really made of straw.
Eric (as Robot Devil): HA HA HA HA HA!! It seems like you're all wishing that you had a brain. AH HA HA HA! I signed the Robot Devil. P.S. Happy Halloween.
Julia (as Moxie): Stop signing your audio.
Amanda (as Agent Smith): Trick or treat Robot Devil.
Eric: Make a charisma check for me.
[Dice roll]
Amanda: 4.
Julia: I was going to ask how your charisma was, but not much.
Amanda: Not good.
Eric: Did you hear a poof and then lands in your hand is a fun size candy bar but it's for like a candy bar that doesn't exist. It's for like broccoli bites.
Brandon (as Arnold): Oh, I love broccoli bites. Are you going to eat that, can I have it or do you want it? It's the number one candy, of 3016.
Amanda: I wordlessly just extend my hand.
Brandon (as Arnold): Thanks.
Brandon: And Arnold eats it immediately.
Eric: Is anyone else looking? Check it out, Charlie.
Julia: I'll check him out.
Brandon: Yeah, I think we all are kind of looking at him.
Eric: There's like a little piece of paper sticking out where his mouth would be written on that. It says "you seem hungry. You should go to the garden or the kitchen."
Julia (as Moxie): Oh, there's an outside pot. We should go out there.
Amanda (as Agent Smith): Very well.
Brandon (as Arnold): Is that away from the sound, though, of the Morse code?
Julia (as Moxie): Maybe there's a way up to the place that the Morse code is coming from that just isn't through these exact doors. You know what I mean?
Brandon (as Arnold): Yeah, I mean, it's like a ladder outside or something.
Julia (as Moxie): Perhaps.
Amanda (as Agent Smith): I agree. I can also send my little friend up to a window to surveil. And then I like pat, the beetle brooch that I wear under my duster.
Eric: I like it.
Brandon (as Arnold): Did you ever give that beetle a name?
Amanda (as Agent Smith): That is private, FutureProof.
Amanda: And then I walked outside and toss my beetle up in the air and it's my robot sidekick.
Eric: Wonderful. Yeah, your robot sidekick. So you want to you wanted to look around for the garden.
Amanda: So I'm going to use my sidekick as the point from which my spells are cast.
Eric: Okay.
Amanda: So I'm going to toss them up into the air to kind of circle the second and third floors. And from the robot, I'm going to cast arcane eye so that the arcane eye has a range of 30 feet from the robot and they can both just kind of like fly around and see if they gather any useful intelligence.
Eric: I love that, that sounds very fun and good. Why don't you make a perception check on behalf of your little friends?
[Dice rolling]
Amanda: 19!
Eric: Wonderful, okay, with a 19, so I like how you throw your brooch in the air and it goes do do dodo - what do wings sound like?? [Makes high pitched humming sound] as it flies up in the air, and I think that with the arcane eye on top of it, it's like it puts on like spy goggles.
[Everyone laughs]
Julia: Adorable!
Eric: So then you have this like tactical beetle flying around.
Amanda: I think also at second tinier beetle detaches under the wings and flies, you know, in a 30 foot range of the beetle.
Eric: Yeah man, I love it.
Julia: Like a Russian nesting doll.
Amanda: And then just privately, while watching the beetle fly away, I whisper.
Amanda (as Agent Smith): Juice. Beetle Juice.
Amanda: And I named the beetle.
Julia: The beetle's name is Juice?
Amanda: Yes.
Julia: Incredible.
Brandon: That's very funny, again, I like it a lot.
Eric: I love that. Okay, so what tell me on your priority list, what are you looking for the most?
Amanda: I'm looking for the Robot Devil himself first and a like technological hub. I imagine there's just like a computer or something from which the audio is emanating. So that's my second priority to see where the Morse code and sort of control center is coming from.
Eric: Okay, so with a 19, yeah, I think of the beetle flies up and is surveying around. There is a garden in the back and I will say that if you want to go check that out, you can trace it. And that is door number three. Also you saw as it flies around on the third floor, there seems to be just one singular window in the attic and there's a curtain in front of it that's you flapping in the breeze. Maybe the window is broken and you see horns and goofy Ronald Reagan mask the Robot Devil is wearing as he looks out the window and goes,
Eric (as Robot Devil): AH! Hey, get out, get out of here! I hate bugs. Bugs are the worst!
Eric: And he points a finger at Beetle Juice and shoots like a bunch of orange goo at it. And then it's like one of those drones running out of battery videos, it just kind of like, it's like everything's orange, that it like falls to the ground.
Amanda (as Agent Smith): Very well.
Amanda: And I scoop it up as we are walking past.
Brandon: The beetle didn't any see the obvious way to get up there or anything? It was just that it existed?
Eric: Just that the third floor existed and that there is a garden in the back and that you can access through door number three.
Brandon (as Arnold): Well, maybe there's like a yeah. Like a trellis or something we can climb up.
Julia (as Moxie): Well, why don't we try that?
Eric: Cool. Yeah, you go to your door number three, this a really sad, it's like everything. There is a big plot of land here. It's like ten by ten. But like there's nothing there. It's just it's just dirt and stones and like maybe some weeds. It's a sorry sight. There's like one wheelbarrow that's pushed over and a watering can that has purple goo coming out of it. Where that came from, that's just a health code violation. But in the middle of the plot of land is a wilting daisy.
Julia (as Moxie): Well, that's kind of sad.
Brandon (as Arnold): That seems ominous. I don't like it.
Julia (as Moxie): Would you like me to kill it for you?
Brandon (As Arnold): Hmm.
Julia (as Moxie): That wasn't an answer.
Amanda: Can I cast cure wounds on the daisy?
Julia (as Moxie): Well, it's the opposite approach from me.
Eric: Yeah, sure. Why not?
Brandon: I fucking love it. Yeah, that's so good.
Amanda: So the daisy regains 5 hit points as Agent Smith like, kneels down, pulls out of her pocket a pen, and then clicking the pen. A sort of like injection comes out of the bottom. And it's just kind of like a neon green, like multipurpose healing stimulant, kind of like how in the Victorian times it has cocaine on everything is just like a scientific update of that, where it's just like a general pep them up.
Eric: Do you inject this into the daisy?
Amanda: I just kind of spray it near the base because you want to make sure that the water doesn't rot, the plant stems and leaves and whatnot. You gotta water it near the soil is very important.
Eric: For sure. Yeah, I think that you give 5 hit points to this daisy and then the daisy like unwilts a little bit like gets a little bit of structure back in its it's down its leaves and its petals and you hear very soft.
Eric (as Daisy): [In a small higher pitched voice] Feed me.
Brandon: Oh, no.
Julia: Mmm mm.
Amanda: Oh, I've seen this film.
Eric (as Daisy): I'm so- I'm so tired. It's all feed - feed me, please. I'm just a little daisy. Please feed me.
Amanda (as Agent Smith): We are happy to come back and feed you after we defeat your master. Where is the Robot Devil?
Eric (as Daisy): Oh, I want to talk shit about that so bad. I really mean it
Julia (as Moxie): I'm coming around.
Amanda (as Agent Smith): I just did.
Eric (as Daisy): My electrolytes are so low please feed me.
Amanda (as Agent Smith): I just gave you a little pep them up. That should sustain you!
Eric (as Daisy): No that's like giving just like cocaine to anybody like if they had a cold. That doesn't actually do anything. It gives me the energy to talk. But I'm going to fade away so soon. Feed me.
Brandon (as Arnold): What do you eat?
Eric (as Daisy): Oh you know the regular stuff. Sunlight and human blood.
Julia (as Moxie): Yep. There it is.
Brandon (as Arnold): Well.
Julia (as Moxie): Should I kill the small flower? It does want to devour us.
Eric (as Daisy): No, no. I'm just so tired. I'm so tired. I want to talk shit about my boss. I just need some because that guy sucks so much.
Julia (as Moxie): What is the consensus here?
Eric (as Daisy): I wish that guy would die. I wish you would be dead by somebody else's hand!
Brandon (as Arnold): Do you know how kill them?
Eric (as Daisy): Oh yeah, I mean I yeah I could probably tell you I fantasized about it a lot of-
Julia (as Moxie): Can I do insight or something on this flower.
[Eric laughing]
Eric: This Daisy is my new favorite NPC, I'm sorry guys.
Brandon: I know it's mine too!
[Amanda laughs]
Julia: I rolled a 15, 14 +1.
Eric: Yes. What is your question like what specifically?
Julia: Is this flower going to try to eat us if we help it or is it actually going to help us.
Eric: You know, there's always a chance that something would try to eat you. But I think that if you really try to restrict it, that it really like it's in dire straits. It's a tiny daisy, there's nothing around. It seems like no one has come into the garden. I feel like if you really tried to restrict it, you could keep a handle on this.
Amanda (as Agent Smith): I say we help this marvelous creature come back to health. I cannot kill something that asks me not to kill it.
Julia (as Moxie): I feel like everything asks you not to kill it when you go to try to kill it.
Amanda (as Agent Smith): Not when it's a helpless creature.
Julia (as Moxie): Well, then you can give it your blood!
Eric (as Daisy): Aw man, listen I just - like, truly fuck that guy. I think that he doesn't really know how to run an organization that I just want to tell you all about it. I just can't get into details unless you feed me.
Amanda: I'm going to use my pen that I just did cure wounds with to withdraw a few drops of blood from my arm and give just one drop to the bottom of the daisy.
Eric: Okay, please subtract 1 hit point from your hit point total.
Amanda: No worries.
Eric: Yeah, I think it's a little bit I think revived a little bit more and it's just like its voices a little louder, but it's just still pretty wilted right now being like.
Eric (as Daisy): Oh thank you. But that was kind of like the equivalent of, you know, when a marathon runner is running, is running a race and they have that small Dixie cup and they really just throw it on their face for dramatic things so that people can keep supporting them while they're running the marathon. Just please feed me. I need some.
Amanda: I give it five drops.
Julia: Oh, my God.
Eric: Please remove 5 HP. Alright, yeah so now the the daisy. I think it has revived a little bit more. It's like,
Eric (as Daisy): Oh wow, thank you. That's the equivalent of giving me like an Uncrustable or something but thank you!
Amanda (As Agent Smith): There is a full meal to come I promise if you help us defeat your master and continue not to eat us.
Eric (as Daisy): Oh hell yeah. I hope so. That sounds so great. Let's mark it - let's mark that that promise in blood. Right? Ha ha ha ha ha ha.
Julia (as Moxie): Alan Menken is rolling in his metaphorical grave right now.
Amanda (as Agent Smith): I have a great soft spot for flowers.
Eric (as Daisy): So do I. And it's nice to know. Okay, yeah. What do you want to know? What's up guys?
Amanda (as Agent Smith): How do we defeat this Robot Devil?
Eric (as Daisy): Oh, well, you know, he's kind of a he's trying to off a weak butthole. I think that if you just kind of, like, take apart his chaos stuff and you punch him in the face, it really he's actually pretty weak.
Amanda (as Agent Smith): And how do we get to the attic?
Eric (as Daisy): Oh, the attic. Wow, what a terrible move. I mean, like, this house didn't even exist before. Obviously, it has an attic where all the spooky stuff does, like read one book, Robot Devil. It's like fuckin Jane Eyre like my God. Fuck.
Julia (as Moxie): It's not quite answering our questions, small flower.
Eric (as Daisy): Oh, I'm just so tired, and-
Julia (as Moxie): No! We're not giving you more blood.
Amanda (as Agent Smith): No.
Eric (as Daisy): I just don't like. I had this blue taste before. It's like raspberry, blue, raspberry. But I need a taste of something more. So tired.
Amanda (as Agent Smith): We're going to walk away unless you give us some help right now.
Eric (as Daisy): I did give you, no - okay. Come on, guys. Let's just hang out. No, it'll be okay.
Amanda (as Agent Smith): You can come home with me when this is all done.
Amanda: And I turn my back to everybody else so that we have a private little moment,
Amanda (as Agent Smith): You may come home with me when this is all done and live in my window box if you help us defeat the Robot Devil by getting to the attic.
Eric (as Daisy): Okay, fine. Ten more, ten more drops of blood from the blue raspberry.
Amanda (as Agent Smith): Five now, five later.
Eric (as Daisy): Fine.
Amanda: Down to fifty nine hit points.
Eric (as Daisy): Oh my god! It's like it's like a drink of a Gatorade wowee! Yeah. So all you really have to do is in the foyer you just need to ask really nicely.
Julia (as Moxie): Alright.
Brandon (as Arnold): What?!
Eric (as Daisy): Yeah, I mean, like no one expects the devil to, like, you know, the scariest thing is? Being polite.
Brandon (as Arnold): Yeah, like politeness.
Julia (as Moxie): Yeah, right.
Eric (as Daisy): Well, no, he doesn't like politeness. He thinks manners are, you know, the structure of society is terrifying. So if this was you know, it's a haunted house, so.
Brandon (as Arnold): Right.
Eric (as Daisy): You know being the scariest thing is manners.
Julia (as Moxie): Alright. Well, I think I could take care of doing things politely,
Brandon (as Arnold): Can you?
Julia (as Moxie): Yes. How do you think I got all of those deals?
Eric (as Daisy): Can you guys take me with you? I think it'd be really cool if I could just, like, give them one leaf on the way out.
Julia (as Moxie): No.
Amanda: I'm already scooping the daisy up and putting it in an evidence bag.
Julia (as Moxie): Oh, my God.
Amanda: I, like, roll it down like a paper sack to make a little temporary pot.
Eric: Wonderful, Julia. I'll tell you, you can get the bonuses if you let the daisy watch, you do cool shit.
Julia: Sweet, then yes. Take the daisy.
Amanda: Listen, we've soul bonded.
Eric: Exactly. Alright, wonderful. Do you want to do the thing?
Everyone: Yeah!
Amanda: I'm going to tuck the daisy in the front pocket of my duster. Dusters have very deep pockets.
Eric (as Daisy): Oh, I mean, it's kind of dark, but I hope you let me out and feed me more of your - your, that sweet blue Gatorade.
Amanda: I jostle it so the head of the daisy is poking out over the pocket.
Eric (as Daisy): Oh fuck yeah dude let's take that guy down! Fuck that guy.
[Everyone laughing]
Julia (as Moxie): I'm I'm turning around on this. Daisy. It is going to try to conquer the planet at some point I'm sure. But I'm into it now.
Eric: Yeah. So you guys want to go back to the foyer and do the thing.
Julia: Yes. I would like to ask the foyer politely if we can go see the Robot Devil please and thank yous all around.
Eric (as Voice): Oh woah. Because you said please.
Eric: It reverberates all throughout the foyer as who knows how the house just talk to you, but it just did. And a rope ladder spirals down from the ceiling and you hear like video game music. Da da da da da da!
Julia: That's wonderful. I'm climbing the rope ladder.
Brandon: I'm following me.
Amanda: Me too!
Eric: Wonderful okay, and so you go up to the attic and you think about all of the doors you could have gone in, what that could have meant for you and how the world really just changes. It is like a stitch, you know, massive tapestry of time and space and like crochet.
Julia: Is this Eric making us feel bad that we didn't go into all the doors?
Eric: No, this is what the Future Proof thinks is about. Yeah, because he also saw the face of the guy who writes this whole thing and it kind of shook him to his core. If I was Future Proof, I would say I guess a stitch at nine does save time.
Brandon: Yeah, it's a good thing that you're not.
[Eric and Brandon laughing]
Eric: Yeah a good thing I'm not! Yeah. You go you guys all climb up the ladder. You are now in the attic and everything feels like a little bit hotter as all attics are because you know, heat rises. That's just science guys, but it's still spooky. I'm going to roll for how many cobwebs there are.
Brandon: How many spooks!
Eric: There are twelve cobwebs in this attic.
Brandon: That's so many!
Eric: Here's the thing about this attic, though. As you crawl into the attic, anticipating more cobwebs, skeletons and maybe more haunted daisies, this thing, the attic is much larger than the foyer or any of the other rooms you've been in. In fact, it looks like a massive kind of tomb. It's very sort of just like very stark. It is ten feet wide and one hundred and fifty feet long. And it's just this massive hallway. You have now come up in the middle of this attic. Also, this hallway descends sharply on an angle. It's it's a massive ramp.
Julia (as Moxie): This house makes no goddamn sense.
Eric (as Robot Devil): You should see the architect!!! He doesn't make any sense either!! It's me, the Robot Devil.
Eric: And you see that the Robot Devil is sitting on like a beach chair above you on a floating platform that is just touching the top of the roof looking down at you. There's also a massive like like a switch on a railroad. There's a massive one just next to him on the top and the bottom of the slope, you see that there are massive double doors, just like at the front of the mansion. At the top, you see the doorway is raised like five feet above the ground because below the doorway is a telegraph with a mechanical hand currently working it. And Agent Smith, you hear this was the telegraph that is creating the Morse code. And you can listen to more if you like.
Amanda: Sure.
[More code continuing]
Eric: There's a lot of talk about a Pikachu float and Thanksgiving Day.
Amanda: Sure.
Eric: Out of context, it makes absolutely no sense.
Amanda: Yeah, I tune in briefly and then decide to turn to the Robot Devil and say,
Amanda (as Agent Smith): Why don't you do us the great courtesy of allowing us to beat you up?
Brandon: How high above is he?
Eric: He's like floating like 20 feet in the air.
Brandon: As Agent Smith says that as to like, punctuate her line. I'm going to cast Misty Step and Misty step up and kick him off his platform down to the ground.
Amanda: Aw fuck yeah dude!
Eric: Okay, everybody roll for initiative that.
[Dice rolling]
Julia: 4!
Amanda: 7.
Brandon: 18.
Julia: Good job.
Brandon: When I'm a oneshot fictional character, I roll really well.
Eric: Okay, wonderful. Yeah first in the initiative order is FutureProof.
Brandon: Yeah so I'm going to misty step up and just like kick the Robot Devil off his platform with a big, big ol foot in his face.
[Eric laughs]
Eric: Incredible. Yeah! Make an attack!
[Dice rolls]
Brandon: It's only an 11.
Eric: Yeah, with an 11, I think you just push the Robot Devil over its chair and he's like,
Eric (as Robot Devil): Hey!! I was watching that! And I still had a I still had a snappy thing to say!
Brandon (as Arnold): I'm done here in it. No more manners. Wait. No, no, no. I'm going to be all the manners.
Eric (as Robot Devil): Ah! You can't stop the news and you can't stop a massive jack o' lantern.
Eric: He reaches out on his turn and he throws the the long train car switch and the double doors at the top reveal a massive jack o' lantern, then then starts rolling towards the people who are still on the ramp. So I need both of the people who are still on the ramp. Moxie and Agent Smith, please, to make strength saving throws. It's going to be DC 20 because it's a massive jack jack o' lantern.
[Dice rolling]
Amanda: I'm going to use my reaction to add my intelligence modifier to my own role on this.
[Dice rolls]
Amanda: Oooo! Nat 20, so I'll add it to Julia’s!
Eric: Woah!!
Julia: I rolled a 15, so I think I'm okay because I get +8 to my strength roll.
Eric: Okay, so you both, you both pass. Wonderful.
Amanda: I passed the nat 20!
Eric: I mean great - you are so good and not getting totally flattened by this massive jack o' lantern . Very well then rolls over both you I think you both brace yourself for would ever maybe you went to the same Pilates class and you held yourself there so you're not knocked prone but you still take 15 points of damage.
Julia: Okay, we absolutely go to the same pilates class. It's a lot of fun. It's a great bonding experience.
Amanda: Sometimes we get morning sushi after.
Julia: It's nothing better than a sweet potato roll in the morning. That's what I always say.
Amanda: Agreed.
[Julia laughs]
Eric: Alright, so you see the jack o' lantern rolls out of the front double doors like hops over the telegraph, which is still going rolls over. Both of you as you as you steel yourself and then rolls to the back of the ramp and goes out the second double doors. It is now Agent Smith's turn.
Amanda: I am going to cast web on the Robot Devil.
Eric: On the Robot Devil himself?
Amanda: Yes.
Eric: Wonderful. What was the distance? Sixty feet! Hell yeah.
Amanda: So the webs can fill a 20 foot cube from whatever point I choose within sixty feet.
Eric: Yes. What is it, what does this look like.
Amanda: So I have on my other wrist what looks like just a kind of a silvery like fitness tracker, but instead I sling it toward the Robot Devil and when it is just above his head it like bursts open into some like very knotted, tangled, difficult to see through webs.
Eric: Wonderful, yeah. And you want it to explode so it doesn't catch Future Proof?
Amanda: Yes.
Eric: Wonderful. Yeah. I think it's just on the edge. And now the Robot Devil is caught in these in these webs while on his beach chair like
Eric (as Robot Devil): I HAD SO MANY PLANS!! Noooo! I hope I can break out of these small things because I'm the Robot Devil and I don't have that many powers!
[Julia laughs]
Eric: Alright, yeah. You're all all gunked up. Moxie, it's your turn.
Julia: I'm trying to think if there's any way that I can get up there, is there a way of me getting up there? Like, can I just jump and pull myself up or is it too far up.
Eric: Yeah. You cannot just jump up in the air and get up there, no unfortunately.
Julia: [Sighs] Alright.
Brandon: I can bring you up next turn.
Julia: Can I delay my action until after Future Proof's next turn?
Eric: Yeah, absolutely.
Julia: Great. That's what I'm going to do then.
Eric: Alright. Let's come back to FutureProof.
Brandon: Okay, so I have the ability to cast a spell as a bonus action instead of an action. So my first action is going to be a bonus action and I'm going to cast levitate and bring Moxie up to the platform.
Eric: Yeah for sure.
Brandon: So that she can fight alongside us. And then from my main action, I'm going to use Cantrip called, toll the dead, and I just create a fantastical bell and ring it and the the Robot Devil's ears and it hurts him.
[Amanda and Julia laughing]
Julia: So what is the what is the text for that?
Brandon: It's the sound of a delorious bell fills the air around it for a moment. The target must succeed a wisdom saving throw or take one d8 necrotic damage.
Julia: Or get transported back into the future.
Brandon: If the target is missing any of its hit points, it takes one d12 instead.
Eric: It is not.
Brandon: Okay and that spells damage increases by one die when you reach fifth level.
[Dice rolls]
Eric: I rolled a 9, so I definitely fail. Alright, so I rolled two d8 as you make a terrible bell, which is very spooky, show up.
Amanda: But if he's not scared of the dead, then maybe it's just a reminder that he has, like, responsibilities at home that you should be attending to.
Julia: There you go.
Eric (as Robot Devil): My responsibilities!!!
Brandon: A 12!
Eric: Yeah the Robot Devil takes 12 points of terrible necrotic damage as it worries about its stresses at home and how it's neglecting that flower. I really should water that.
Brandon (as Arnold): How do you like that bell?
Eric (as Robot Devil): I don't!! It's a good thing that someone with a massive sword can't come and punch me. Oh, no!
Eric: Alright it is now-
Julia: Speaking of which.
Eric: It is the Robot Devil's turn.
Julia: I actually like to take my action before the Robot Devil.
Eric: Go ahead. Go ahead.
Julia: Bonus action. I'm going to look at Agent Agent Smith and be like,
Julia (as Moxie): Darling, you rock that look better than Keanu Reeves does!
Julia: And then you get a d8 inspiration die.
Amanda: Thank you.
Julia (as Moxie): You're welcome!
Julia: And I make sure that the flower is looking at me and I'm going to go take my attacks.
Eric (as Daisy): Oh, fuck. Yeah, I totally - this is all I really want to watch a really buff woman with a flaming sword destroy my boss.
Julia (as Moxie): Don't we all darling don't we all?
Eric (as Daisy): We do this feels really universal.
Julia: Alright, cool. Uh, alright.
[Dice rolls]
Julia: First attack is a 16 plus -
Eric: Oh that extremely hits!
Julia: Cool. It's a 16 +11—
Amanda: Good lord.
Julia: Because I'm adding my charisma to my attack rolls and my damage. Fun fact.
Eric: That extremely hurts.
Julia: Cool, yeah. So I'm going to roll my second one and then I'll just roll all the damage together okay?
Eric: Do it.
Julia: Cool. Cool.
[Dice rolls]
Julia: And the next one is a 12 +11.
Eric: So yeah that also very hits.
Julia: Cool. Cool, cool. So that is going to be-
Eric: it's where Julie is licking her lips as she says that.
Julia: Weird! So 16 +11 is 27 for the first attack.
Eric: Amazing.
Julia: Alright. And the second attack. That's 10, that's 21 on the second attack.
Eric: 21 and 27?
Julia: Yes.
Eric: Uh oh.
Julia: How's he looking?
Eric: So yeah I think this bell goes off and the Robot Devil's like
Eric (as Robot Devil): Oh I'm so worried I should, I need to water my flower!
Eric: And then you just come in with your giant flaming sword and just slice him up! It's a buster sword the size of a pool floaty. Jesus Christ.
[Brandon laughs]
Julia: How's he looking?
Eric: Oh, he looks bad. So as you drive, you're a flaming sword into the Robot Devil. The second time he bursts, and turns into little robotic bats and says,
Eric (as Robot Devil): I know this is a vampire thing, but it still felt thematic! Happy Halloween. I hope that you're taking care of everyone hearing your secrets. This telegraph is going to all the newspapers in LBB! Bye bye! Happy Halloween!
Brandon (as Arnold): Oh no. Do you have any more broccoli candy bars?
Amanda: Wait, do the webs capture the bats at all?
Eric: Yeah, I think it captures a few of the bats, but the majority of the bats are able to fly away out of that single window in the attic.
Amanda: Oh darn.
Eric: So now I don't know what happens if some of the bats on a vampire goes away like does the corporeal form doesn't have a hand or something?
Brandon: Yeah, like missing a few toes.
Julia: Yeah, something like that.
Eric: It's now bald.
Amanda: Or just every so often a glitch is like a torrent that didn't download fully.
[Brandon laughs]
Eric: Alright. So now it is now the Robot Devil's turn, which means the jack o' lantern stern and the jack o' lantern, it has gathered speed.
Julia: Wait.
Eric: It is now re-
Julia: No, I'm going to action surge and attack these bats before they leave.
Eric: Okay sure!
Julia: Cool. So that's two more attacks.
[Dice rolls]
Julia: 16, does a 16 hit?
Eric: No, not the bats.
Julia: Aw dang. Alright. Second one though.
[Dice rolling]
Julia: Fuck a natural 1.
Eric: If you really wanted to hurt those bats.
Julia: I wanna hurt those bats!
Eric: Hey, make a dexterity saving throw for me while you're uh
Julia: Oh, yeah, okay. I have to roll twice because I roll with disadvantage on those.
Amanda: Oh no. For a saving throw. Julia, I can give you +4 as well.
Julia: Cool. Then I rolled the 15 because I rolled an 11 twice.
Eric: With a 15 you stumble back off the platform after swinging wildly at some bats with your giant massive buster sword, and you lose your balance and stumble backwards. But you can catch yourself on the side of the platform but now you're hanging on the side of the platform unfortunately.
Julia: But very heroic. I love it.
Eric: So now it is the jack o' lantern's turn. And the jack o' lantern is once again going to come down, but it is coming even faster. Agent Smith, I need you to make a strength saving throw.
Amanda: So I roll a 17, but I'm going to add +4 as my reaction, which is my intelligence modifier so 21.
Eric: Wonderful, yeah. So you take although it's coming faster, you once again steel yourself from your amazing pilates class and you take 20 points of damage and you're not knocked over. It is now your turn.
Amanda: Weirdly I have a craving for a chicken tempura roll now.
[Brandon laughs]
Eric: So although the Robot Devil is not there and it seems like I think stuck in the web, it seems like the train car lever didn't actually do anything. It was, it was just dramatic.
Julia: Just dramatic.
Eric: So the jack o' lantern is still rolling and the telegraph is still going.Agents with you here in Morse code, more beeps and boops, and you get a snippet of Hungry Like The Wolf, the song by Duran Duran.
Julia: [Laughing] I forgot why that was for a second.
[Everyone laughs]
Amanda: I'm going to cast firebolts at the Telegraph.
Eric: Great.
Amanda: I got an 18 to hit.
Julia: Nice.
Eric: Yeah. Oh yeah. That hits a telegraph and mechanical hand, definitely.
Amanda: So let me roll two d10 1 +8 for a 9, points of damage.
Eric: Yeah. I think 9 point if damage you shoot at the telegraph and you damage piece of nineteenth century technology. I think the, the, the Morse code gets a little sloppy, like some of the words are now a little bit off. It is now FutureProof's turn!
Brandon: Okay, so this pumpkin is still on the warpath, right?
Eric: It is, yes.
Brandon: Okay, so where is it right now?
Eric: It is like rolling out of the back, the bottom doors.
Brandon: Okay. I'm going to cast wall of stone, and I'm going to reach into the past and pull a castle wall out of the portal and place it directly in front of the pumpkin.
Eric: Yes, that's great. So you pull - you throw this this castle wall in front of the door, that's incredible. Moxie, it's your turn.
Julia: Yeah, I'll just I'll just attack the bats again.
Eric: Yeah, attack the bats.
Julia: Being a fighter's hard.
[Dice rolling]
Julia: Ahh Jesus, that's a 2.
[Dice rolls]
Julia: Okay, that one's better, that's a 17 +11.
Eric: Yeah, you got it, that hits, that hits!
Julia: Cool. Cool, cool, cool. So this one is that is 19 +11. So 30 points of damage.
Eric: Wonderful, alright. Yeah, 30 points of damage. I like the idea of these bats that are stuck in webs are just like,
Eric (as Bats): [High pitched mocking voice] Yeah, you can't aim, you can't hit us! Ahh!! We're bats!
Eric: And then you finally destroy them with your massive flaming sword. Wonderful! Yeah, well, it is the jack o' lantern's turn and the jack o' lantern is gaining even more and more speed and is flying down the ramp. And as soon as it comes back around to the front doors, there's just a castle the wall there for a massive jack o' lantern, and as it collides with a wall, it goes SPLOOSH! And all of you are covered in pumpkin guts.
Brandon (as Arnold): Oh, papitas.
Julia (as Moxie): FutureProof. You couldn't have seen this one? You made this decision.
Brandon (as Arnold): No, I did.
Julia (as Moxie): You've ruined the Prada that I was wearing.
Brandon (as Arnold): What's Prada?
Julia (as Moxie): Oh, okay.
Eric: The daisy pipes up, and is like
Eric (as Daisy): Well, I think we could all say, fuck that guy, take me home. Give me blood!
Eric: And little petals reach out to you, Agent Smith.
Julia (as Moxie): Okay, but darlings, where is Charles?
Eric: Moxie you got a phone call on your 1980s cell phone.
Brandon (as Arnold): That's my favorite decade - oh, shit!
Julia (as Moxie): What?
Brandon (as Arnold): What?!
Julia (as Moxie): It's mine too!
Eric: And yeah, it's a call from Charles.
Julia (as Moxie): Charles, where are you? What's happening?
Eric (as Charlie): Where are you? The party's supposed to start. I've been here with pizzas for like an hour.
Julia (as Moxie): What party?
Eric (as Charlie): The Halloween party we're having in the office. You sent me a text that said, "hey, we're doing it later because I'm super hungover"
Julia (as Moxie): Oh no.
Eric (as Charlie): I thought we were having later and now I've been waiting here!
Julia (as Moxie): Charles is going to get kidnapped by the Robot Devil yet again. Let's go.
Eric (as Charlie): The newspaper also called and said. Agent Smith got a B in calculus?
Brandon and Julia (as Arnold and Moxie): What?!
Amanda: I just hug the daisy to my chest and turn away.
Julia: Oh no!
Eric: [Laughing] And that's the end of the one shot!
Brandon: Yay!!!
[Everyone cheering]
Brandon: Happy Halloween!
Eric: Happy Halloween! The scariest thing is realizing that grades mean nothing!
[Menacing laughter]
[Spooky transition note]
[Theme music]