Enjoy our live show from June 9, 2018 in New York City! We’re taking a break from the royal rat race and having a picnic. But something’s shaking up everyone’s plans. Johnny rides away. Inara gets her goat. Tracey slip slides away. Jersh is here!
Find Us Online
- website: jointhepartypod.com
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- music: brandongrugle.bandcamp.com
Cast & Crew
- Dungeon Master: Eric Silver
- TR8c (Tracey): Brandon Grugle
- Inara Harthorn: Amanda McLoughlin
- Johnny B. Goodlight: Michael Fische
- Creative Contributors: Connor McLoughlin, Julia Schifini, Heddy Hunt
- Multitude: multitude.productions
Transcript
Eric: Hey, it’s Eric. No, this is not the midroll, so I don't have a fanciful story for you, but I want you to know what’s going on.
This is our live show from June 2018 in New York City! I am still reeling that we actually made this happen. This is our first live show and we hope we can do many, many, many more. Special thanks to our special guest, Mike Schubert of the Potterless podcast. He opened for us and warmed up the crowd and made a very good appearance in our adventure. Be sure to stick around for an live Afterparty once this adventure is finished.
But quickly, I want to welcome our new patrons: Anna, Chris, Paul, Kat, and Mimi. It’s people like you who make this whole thing possible so thank you, thank you, thank you. And we’re coming up fast on 200, and we love round numbers so get a friend to sign up at Patreon.com/jointhepartypod. You won’t regret it, we promise.
One note for people who were not in the meat space when that live show was going on. My friend Jeff was sitting right off stage to the right, and he was our critical conjuror. He came up on stage and checked out if we rolled crit ones or crit twenties. You'll hear him referenced a few times, he was wearing a cool robe, he looked very fancy, and he was reading a very old DM's guide. So if you hear the critical conjurer, just know it was some cool guy in a robe.
And now, the live show!
[theme music]
[enthusiastic cheers and applause as theme fades]
Eric: Hello and welcome to Join The Party Liiiiiiive!
[applause heightens]
I am so excited. This is my first time doing live stuff since I was in like high school and college, but just like when I was in high school and college, my mom is in the audience [laughing].
Okay, are you guys ready?
Brandon: I’m so ready.
Amanda: I’m ready.
Michael: I’m concerned.
Eric: Yeah, you should be. I’m gonna keep the name of the- the name of the one-shot to myself until the end of the thing, and maybe you’ll figure it out on the way there.
Michael: [sighs] Classic Eric.
Brandon: I’m gonna make guesses the entire game now.
Eric: Yeah, that’s fine. Just shout it out whenever you feel like it.
Brandon: Great.
Amanda: I’m ready.
Michael: Hoobastank.
[laughter]
Eric: Hoobastank Party, good.
Michael: Oh! It has to be party? Okay, okay.
Eric: Where do you go when we record?
Michael: My mind palace.
Brandon: Is it “Late to the Party”? That’s my first guess.
Michael: That’s just me.
Amanda: I like it. I like it.
[a few people clapping]
Brandon: Thank you. Thank you.
Michael: Thank you one person there.
Brandon: That was a genuine guess, but thank you.
Eric: The subway broke down. That’s it. Okay.
Amanda: Yeah.
Eric: Y’all have a free day from protecting the realm, and you decide to kick it. It is… already?! Are you kidding?
[laughter]
Michael: Protecting the realm or protecting Alonzo?
Eric: The realm. It’s the realm. You made it very clear it’s the realm.
Michael: Just asking. Just asking.
Eric: It is warm, the sun is shining, and everyone is hungry all the time.
Amanda: Obviously.
Eric: That is what you do- So you all plan a picnic!
Michael: Aw!
Eric: And Inara, you know the perfect spot. There is a park right outside the Great Green Forest where you grew up.
Amanda: Yeah, I wanna take Captain Alex there.
[“woo”s from the audience]
Brandon: But you’ll settle for us, it’s fine.
Amanda: She’ll have a nice time, but I’ll settle for you guys.
Brandon: You’ll settle for your robot friend
Eric: It’s fine.
Amanda: It’s fine.
Eric: Amanda, what’s the name of the park outside the Great Green?
Amanda: It’s called The Great Swing, because there’s a giant swing there.
Michael: Yeah, make the mechanics for that now, Eric.
Eric: That’s fine, already-
Michael: Make us improv this.
Eric: That was the- that is literally the point of the show. Yeah, there’s a massive swing, and everyone like jumps on the big tire. It’s like a big tire the size of like ten people.
Amanda: Yeah.
Eric: And like people get hurt.
Brandon: So like one warforged, or…
Amanda: It’s like one of those arcade like street fair rides where it goes like back and forth like a hammer, you know? And just like centrifugal force like that.
Eric: Yeah.
Brandon: Love it.
Eric: Yeah, physics, that’s what people like about this show!
Amanda: Listen, a museum curator called me out for making a good “patina” joke in the last episode, so I- I will take my niche professions, I think people really enjoy them.
Michael: Yeah, patinas… w...
[laughter]
Eric: Alright, let’s keep going. It is this massive park, like twice the size of Prospect Park, with rolling hills, and shady spots, and fields to play cool sports- if you actually know how to play cool sports. And there’s some fun stuff for kids, too, like the massive swing where you get hurt.
And Stoneface has made some sandwiches!
[cheers]
Michael: Yay!
Brandon: Oh, do not cheer, they must be old and gross and full of dust.
Eric (as Stoneface): Ay! I left this tuna out just because I know you like it, what’s going on?
Amanda: Oh no…
Michael: I do like it.
Eric: And they have a red and white checkered blanket, and you're all just maxing and relaxing real cool. Who do you want to be at the picnic? So Stoneface is there because he brought sandwiches. Who else do you want to be there?
Brandon: Evan.
Eric: Ev?
Brandon: Yeah.
Amanda: Yeah.
Eric: I like Ev because Ev shows up and he has a frisbee in one hand and he’s like
Eric (as Evan): Aw man, I really like playing that sport, uh, where you throw the disc back and forth.
Michael: I already don’t want him here.
Eric: It’s like
Eric (as Evan): Ah, I love laying out, it’s great.
Amanda: I think I want James here, because he has to refresh the flowers in his beard.
Brandon: Ooh.
Eric: Oh, that’s good.
Brandon: That’s very good.
Michael: I want Huey, Dewey, and Louie to be here. Remember them? I remember them.
Eric: Yeah, because they’re from Episode 1!
Michael: That’s so far away.
Eric: I know, it’s so far away. So they all, yeah they’re playing pickup football over there.
Michael: Ew, awful, I don’t want to be them- I don’t want them here.
Eric: No, you don’t have to play. You can just be there. And after a while, Johnny, you are dozing in the sun, and Johnny, all of a sudden you feel a thump. And everything shakes: the trees, the punch in your glasses, the fences, each respective part in Tracey each kind of jiggles.
Brandon: I… okay, I hate this.
[laughter]
Eric: And it thumps again. And it’s like in ‘Jurassic Park’ where your water just goes and shakes. And I want everyone to make a Perception roll.
Brandon: Oooo!
Amanda: Oooo!
Michael: Oh, I thought Initiative.
Eric: First roll of the podcast! While you guys are rolling this podcast- uh, you guys are rolling your dice for the first time for the podcast, I wanna suggest that- sometimes we throw around crits, just like I don’t believe you when you roll your crits-
Amanda: Eric, you sit next to us when we record!
Eric: I, we-
Brandon: It doesn’t matter.
Michael: He-
Eric: Well here’s the thing, Brandon lies about his rolls. They’re always terrible.
Michael: He doesn’t, no he tells the truth that his rolls are that bad.
Eric: He’s like, “No, I didn’t roll poorly, hehehehe.” So I don’t know if you see my friend Jeff who’s sitting in the chair over there. Hi Jeffrey!
So Jeff is here to be our… oh, he took out my DM- the very old DM’s guide, I like that. I won’t do anything bad, I promise. So, Jeff is gonna run over, and whenever you have a crit, or when Brandon tries to hide your bad rolls, he’s gonna go over and look at your dice. He is the Critical Conjurer, and he made himself a nice little nametag.
[laughter and clapping]
Michael: This is fair.
Eric: Okay, what did everybody roll?
Brandon: I got a 13 + 2 for a 15!
Amanda: 7 + 2 for a 9.
Michael: 15 + 2 for a 17.
Eric: Okay, so Johnny, even though you’re asleep, you like bolt straight up.
Michael: This sounds about right.
Eric: And it looks like there is a mountain off in the distance.
Michael: Oh, no I could have seen that normally. Like this isn’t-
Eric: Well, here’s the thing, the mountain is coming closer.
Michael: Eh, that’s just my age.
Eric: And each thump… [laughs] and that is not a rocky outcropping on the front of the mountain, that is a mouth. And that mountain is storming right towards you.
Brandon: How far away is this mountain right now?
Eric: It’s about like, uh, it’s about 500 feet.
Brandon: Do I see it as well?
Eric: You- yes you see it as well. But Johnny sees it first.
Michael: Yeah, hold on, I was about to say we can see a mountain. Like that’s not a difficult-
Eric: Well you notice it’s coming closer!
Amanda: What you notice is that it’s moving.
Eric: Yeah.
Michael: Oh.
Eric: And it starts stomping right towards you. And I think- and people are starting to run away, like they’re starting to feel the vibrations that are running through- running through the ground, and everyone gets up and starts to run. And even Stoneface is like
Eric (as Stoneface): I have too much invested in myself! I gotta get out of here!
[laughter]
Amanda: He puts his airmask on first, it’s really good self care to like-
Eric: Yeah, he just- and he tries to get out of there.
Brandon (Tracey): Uh, Johnny?
Michael: Yeah, are we gonna run? Because I can’t run that good.
Brandon (Tracey): I’m going to run, want me to carry you?
Michael: Uh… eh… negative 1 Strength, I’m not gonna run. Do we have- did perhaps we bring Joe the Camel for instance?
Eric: Actually, yes, you did bring Joe the Camel.
Michael: Oh good.
Amanda: Thank god.
Eric: That’s good.
Michael: I’m going to clamber onto Joe the Camel and be like
Michael (as Johnny): [in mumbly voice] Everyone out of here!
Michael: Or something.
Eric: What’s your character voice?
Michael: Hold on- sorry, Johnny voice, Johnny voice. Uh, uh, uh, [in Johnny voice] hi I’m Johnny-
Brandon: This is the part of the podcast you’ve never seen before.
Michael: Hi, I’m Johnny. [in normal voice] Uh, literally every time we… [in Johnny’s voice] Hi, I’m Johnny.
Michael (as Johnny): Uh, guys we should probably… there’s a mountain. Anyway, let’s go.
Michael: And I jump on Joe the Camel [laughing]
Eric: Uh, and-
Michael: Johnny literally just woke up.
Brandon: Wait, do I roll to intuitively understand what he means?
Eric: Uh-
Michael: Why are you rolling? Don’t roll!
Eric: What are you rolling for?!
Brandon: To see if I understand what he means by that cryptic message, and I got a 4.
[laughter]
Eric: You have no idea what he’s saying-
Michael: Damnit!
Eric: -so you guys are just standing around, and then Alonzo pipes up- yeah you just didn’t notice Alonzo.
[all at once, over chuckles from the audience]
Amanda: What?!
Michael: Hold on, hold on, hold on. Why is Alonzo here?
Eric: Because he wants to go to the picnic!
Brandon: Did we invite him, or did he invite himself?
Eric: No you definitely did not invite him. He just showed up.
Michael: You know what, this is on Brandon. I’ll allow it.
Eric: He’s eating like Lays potato chips out of a bag-
Michael: You can’t eat just one.
Eric (as Alonzo): You guys should probably do something’ about that, huh?
Amanda: That’s Pringles.
Michael: Did I mess up Pringles and Lays?
Amanda: You did, you did.
Michael: Damn.
Amanda: Well, I’m gonna hop onto the Grind Machine and ride toward the mountain because true heroes ride towards danger.
Eric: That’s- that’s good.
Michael: I’m like infinity years old, I’m out of here. Tracey, you wanna come?
Brandon: I think Tracey just stands there frozen between Inara and Johnny, he’s like “Ah! Ah! Ah!”
Eric: Alonzo’s like
Eric (as Alonzo): Johnny! You’re- we need you to do something about this!
Michael: eh… eh…
[laughter]
I’ll cast Light? I don’t know!
Eric (as Alonzo): Go towards the thing! GO towards the monster!
Michael: It’s all light-based things!
Eric: And Alonzo grabs you by the hand, and he tries to pull-
Michael: No!
Brandon: And I grab Joe the Camel’s feet-
Eric: He tries to hold his bridle and pull him over.
Michael: I wanna roll grappling.
Eric: No don’t.
Michael: I really don’t. I’ll lose, I’ll lose.
Eric: You're terrible.
Amanda: You’re not good at grappling.
Michael: I’m not good at grappling.
Eric: And an elvish man, an elf with really long hairs runs over to you and he says
Eric (as elf): [in distinctly exaggerated, slightly slurred character voice with over-pronounced “r” sounds] Er, guys, I need yer herp!
[shocked laughter]
Amanda: … why did you choose this voice?!
Michael: You’ve had so long to plan this.
Amanda: It could be any voice!
Eric (as elf): [in voice] Er, help me!
Brandon: I support this voice, this is a good voice.
Eric (as elf): Please help me!
Michael: I’m gonna do Southern Johnny in a second if you support this voice.
Brandon: Spoilers!
Eric (as elf): Help me, please!
Michael (as Johnny): [in Southern accent] Well I may be a Southern Johnny, but-
[hoots and hollers of laughter]
Eric: I don’t care about- this is fine.Can I move on with the story plase?
Michael: Yeah, fine.
Eric: Okay, great, great, great.
Eric (as elf): Please help me! I run the park here! My name’s Josh [pronounced in character voice as “Jersh”]!
Michael: You run the what?!
Eric (as Jersh): I run the park!
Michael: Oh my god.
Eric (as Jersh): I’m the parks and recreation director. Here outside the Great Green! I rode the swing! I’m Jersh!
Brandon (Tracey): It’s a great swing!
Eric (as Jersh): Thank you! I’m Jersh.
Michael: Can I Charm Person?
Eric: If you want.
Michael: Just so I can like make him do a different accent?
[laughter]
Eric: No he’s- no you can’t. Unfortunately, you cannot.
Michael: I can’t?!
Amanda: I’m gonna ride over and put my hand up in front of you like, “No, no, no let’s not do this,” and just kind of like ride a couple circles around him just cooly.
Brandon (Tracey): Hey- hey Josh, what’s up with this mountain?
Eric (as Jersh): I don’t know! I think you need to fix it! Actually, I do know! Here’s a chunk of exposition!
[laughter]
Michael: Can you do the exposition as Eric and not as Josh?
Eric: Here’s the exposition- I will do it as Eric.
Michael: Oh, good.
Amanda: Oh, thank god.
Brandon: No, I need you to do it in Josh, please.
Eric (as Jersh): Well, it-
Amanda: Same team, jailbird!
Michael: Yeah, same team.
Eric (as Jersh): It’s the Zer-e-tan!
Michael: The what?
[Eric laughing]
Eric (as Jersh): It’s the Zer-e-tern!
Brandon: I change my mind. I change my mind. Go back to Eric.
Eric: Okay,
Amanda: The zoo tune?
Eric (as Jersh): The Zer-e-tern!
Amanda: Zoboomafoo?
[laughter]
Eric (as Jersh): Zernaterrrrrn!
Eric: ...So the Zaratan- so the Zaratan is a gigantic- literally moving mountain. It’s like an Earth Elemental. And it was conjured by a group of druids to fight off whatever was happening in the Centering.. Josh says. Jersh says.
So once the Centering was over, it’s the responsibility of the Parks and Rec department to like lead it around like in a circle, so it just kind of like lazily walks around, stomping around.
Amanda: They’re taking it on a walk?
Eric: Yeah, like but like for thousands of years it just like needs to be- it’s very-
Amanda: So like a glacier?
Eric: Yeah, but it needs to be mo- it literally has like- has legs- these are legs, that walk around in a circle.
Michael: Are they?...
Eric: It gets tempted by a lot of produce, like fruits and vegetables.
Amanda: Same.
Michael: What?! None of what you’re saying makes sense.
Brandon: Do you mean giant blocks of cheese?
Eric: Well, sorry. It just- no, it likes fruits and veggies!
Brandon: Okay, weird.
Eric: It’s “Nutrition Party!”
Michael: Wait, really?
Eric: No.
Michael: Oh my god [laughing]
Eric: But [laughing]...
Brandon: Is it “Mountain Party”?
Amanda: I’m pretty sure all I eat is carbs, so I don’t think that’s a really-
Michael: Yeah, I don’t understand this.
Eric: But here’s the thing: someone forgot that the Zaratan hates coconuts because it’s the devil's fruit! I hate-
Amanda: Eric…
Eric: Coconuts are so bad!
Amanda: Our podcast…
Michael: I’m sorry-
Amanda: Is not a propaganda vehicle for you to defame the good name of coconuts!
[laughter]
This man does not like coconuts!
Eric: Isn’t that what podcasts are for?
Amanda: No!
Eric: Oh, okay!
Amanda: They’re for telling compelling stories!
Eric: Oh, there are some devil lovers in the crowd.
[some of the crowd cheers and hollers]
Amanda: Alright, alright coconuts.
Eric: This really took a turn. So yeah, the Zaratan hates coconuts and someone put out a coconut, one of the coconuts, and it got distracted by the lush vegetation in the Great Green and now it is stomping towards the Great Green Forest.
Amanda: Okay.
Eric: And y’all need to get it back on course somehow so it doesn’t crush anyone or anything, in particular like all 2000 of Inara’s cousins who live out there.
Amanda: They do live there.
Eric: They do.
Brandon: Are we in shouting distance yet?
Eric: Of the Zaratan?
Brandon: Yeah.
Eric: Uh, yeah. I mean, it’s a massive mountain, it can probably hear you.
Brandon: Alright, let me try something real quick.
Eric: Alright, cool.
Brandon (Tracey): [shouting] Hey, stop!
[laughter]
Michael: I thought we sound checked earlier! That was awful, even for me!
Eric: That was really bad.
Brandon: You’re welcome.
Eric: You wanna roll of that or you just wanna take the failure.
Brandon: Yeah, I wanna get nat-20 right now, hold on.
Eric: Okay, take the failure.
Brandon: Okay, I didn’t crit but I did get… what is this roll?
Eric: Probably a Charisma probably.
Brandon: Are you sure it’s not Investigation?
[laughter]
Eric: No it’s Charisma.
Michael: I love how no one lets the Charisma guy do the Charisma stuff.
Eric: No, not at all.
Brandon: Uh, well that is an 18!
Amanda: Okay!
Eric: Oh! Well you shout real good, but it doesn’t move.
Brandon: Okay.
Brandon (Tracey): I’m out of ideas.
Amanda (as Inara): Uh maybe we could like throw stuff at it until it goes backward?
Michael (as Johnny): It is a mountain.
Amanda (as Inara): What does that mean?
Michael (as Johnny): I.. I mean… I don’t know, it just is a mountain, I don’t know what to do.
Eric (as Jersh): I think that the best thing you should do-
[audience bursts out laughing at character voice]
You gotta get on top of it so you can-
Michael: I did not consent to this.
Eric (as Jersh): You gotta get on top of the Zaratan so you can talk to it, or at least get it to do something else.
Michael: I genuinely do not understand him.
Eric: So “Jersh” says that you need to get to it, somehow, you need to climb on top of it and then you need to get to its head. So you need to like climb up its legs, go up on top of its back-
Michael: Um, how far are we from the monster?
Eric: You’re about- it’s slowly stomping towards you, so about you’re like 400 feet away.
Michael: Eh that’s too far.
Amanda: That’s very close to a mountain!
Eric: Yes it is!
Michael: And is there perhaps an ear hole or something that we know to go towards?
Eric: Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Michael: Or is it just a random mountain?
Eric: So it looks like a giant turtle, so it has like-
Amanda: Aw!
Michael: No, it looks like a mountain!
Brandon: Hold on, WHAT?!
Michael: You said it was a mountain! It looks like a turtle?!
Eric: It looks like a mountain crossed with a turtle.
Michael: I would have liked this thing more at the beginning.
Amanda: So a hill? A gentle hill?
Eric: No it’s really rocky. It’s very rocky to climb up.
[all talking at once]
Brandon: So it’s a turtle with like a mountain on its back?
Eric: Yeah.
Brandon: So it’s turtles all the way down.
Michael: This is called a Torturtle it is the third pokemon, second evolution.
Eric: You two are complaining at the same time and I cannot hear both of your bullshit!
[laughter, applause]
Brandon: That is fair.
Michael: Yeah.
Brandon: That is very fair.
Eric: Those of you laughing and clapping, this is my life, thank you.
Michael: Yeah. This really- it really is.
Eric: Alright, let’s keep going.
Amanda: Alright, Inara’s gonna ride the Grind Machine closer to the mountain to start going up its back.
Eric (as Jersh): Oh! Wait wait! You shouldn't be using a vehicle! You’re gonna fall off! It’s gonna be bad!
Amanda (as Inara): ...What?
Eric (as Jersh): There’s a- I have a zoo here!
Eric: There’s a zoo at the- there’s like a petting zoo at the park.
Amanda: What does that have to do with my skateboard?!
Eric (as Jersh): Well if, you know vehicles, they’re-
Eric: I’m just gonna say this is my regular voice.
[laughter]
Michael: Even you got tired of it!
Eric: No, I love Jersh. Jersh is my [in “Jersh” voice] pride n joy!
Like you can see as it stomps down, like it erodes the ground around and like buildings and trees like fall away as it happens. So like if you are using the Grind Machine-
Amanda: Too bouncy and-?
Eric: It’s super bouncy and you’re gonna fall off.
Amanda: Alright.
Eric: You can still try to do it, but Josh is like
Eric (as Jersh): No! Don’t!
Brandon: I do have a question. If we just stand here, will it just come to us eventually?
Eric: I mean you’re gonna die.
Brandon: Okay.
Eric: So don’t do that.
Brandon: Just checking.
Michael: As opposed to going towards it, like we don’t have-
Eric: You could if you wanna have a fun show.
[Michael laughing]
Brandon: We’re gonna sit for twenty minutes in silence while we wait for this mountain to get to us.
Michael: I consent to this.
Amanda: Yeah, I’ll hop off the Grind Machine, put it under my arm, because I don’t go anywhere without my cool skateboard, and I’m gonna run up the mountain.
Eric: You’re just gonna run at it?
Amanda: Well I’m gonna start running like up and around it like a mountain path.
Brandon: I absolutely follow. I’m running. Let’s go.
Eric: You guys are running?
Brandon: Running to the danger.
Amanda: We’re running.
Brandon: [starts to sing] ba-da-ba… I don’t know a good song.
Amanda: [quietly singing] Danger Zone! Danger Zone!
Michael: What is Joe the Camel shoes- Joe the Camel’s shoes are good for running, but are they good for climbing as well?
Eric: They’re not good for climbing.
Michael: They’re pretty good for… you can “Yes and” this-
[laughter]
They’re pretty good for climbing. They’re pretty good for climbing.
Eric: Alright, they’re fine for climbing!
Michael: Yeah!
Amanda: Yeah!
Eric: You can jump high- you can jump pretty high.
Michael: I will make- Alonzo is dragging me to not leave, now I will drag Alonzo up onto Joe and Alonzo and I will ride Joe following them.
Amanda: Camels are like goats which are great at climbing.
Eric: Well, Jersh is like
Eric (as Jersh): Wait!
Michael: This is factually untrue.
Brandon: Just- hey, same team!
Amanda: Same team.
Eric (as Jersh): Wait! Here, wait, wait! You can take one of my animals! There are so many animals at the petting zoo!
Brandon: Whoa, what have we got here?
Amanda: Why didn’t you tell us that ten minutes ago?
Eric (as Jersh): I was doing expositions!
Eric: Alright, Inara, roll a d8 please.
Amanda: Uh, I got a 4.
Eric: Okay, Inara, as you walk over to the petting zoo-
Amanda: Are there goats?
Eric: The very dangerous petting zoo is called “Claws, Paws, and Claws, Oh my!”
[snickering from the audience]
Amanda: Aw, cute!
Michael: Boo! Boo!
Eric: And Jersh is just like
Eric (as Jersh): So, take an animal!
Eric: And all the animals ran away except for, since you rolled a d4- since you rolled a 4-
Amanda: Goat, goat, goat!
Eric: A giant goat!
Amanda: YESSSS!
[audience cheers with Amanda]
Eric: THe goat is as tall as you are-
Amanda: YES!
Eric: And it just goes, [goat voice, vaguely similar to Josh’s voice] “Behhhhh!”
Michael: This is funny, I can-
Amanda: My life is complete, I retire from D&D!
Brandon: Wait, what… what does it do? Eric, what does it do?
Eric: It’s a giant goat and it goes, “Beeeeehhhhhh!”
Brandon: I was just checking on that noise.
Amanda: Is it related to Josh?!
[laughter]
Michael: Whoa!
Eric: [in Josh’s voice] This goat is also name JERSH! It’s Jersh the Gert!
Amanda: Oh no.
Michael: I cast Eldritch Blast. Just put it down.
Eric: Alright [audibly cringing] roll a d20? Roll an attack roll.
Michael: No, I’m not rolling an attack!
Eric: Okay, fine, Jersh is like- Josh- Jersh gets out of the way. He’s like
Eric (as Jersh): No you gotta ride over to it! You can’t run! It’s too fast for you!
Amanda: So how many people can fit on this goat? And what is their name?
Eric: So two people- so what I was gonna say is that two people can fit on Joe the Camel and then one of you is going to have to take one of the animals from the petting zoo.
Amanda: How about Alonzo? Didn’t forget him!
Eric: Alonzo’s like nah-
Michael: I thought Alonzo was on Joe!
Eric: No-
Amanda: I wrote Alonzo on my character sheet so I don’t forget him.
[laughter]
Eric: Alonzo’s like
Eric (as Alonzo): No I gotta keep- I gotta make sure everybody’s calm. I’m fine. You guys take care of it. You’re fine.
Brandon: Now can we- can we choose, elect, to steal an animal from the zoo?
Eric: What- yeah, you can.
Brandon: I got a 5.
Eric: Okay, with a 5, [laughing] with a 5, you just get a regular sized goat.
[hollers of laughter]
Michael: Amazing.
Brandon (Tracey): What do I do with this?!
Eric: And it goes, “Beh.”
Michael: You roll badly no matter what.
Brandon: This is a thing where you can’t roll badly, and I still rolled badly.
Michael: You still did, yeah, yeah.
Eric: No, it’s just a goat.
Brandon: I leave the goat there. This is too dangerous for a real goat!
Eric: Fair, that’s a good idea!
[Michael cracking up]
Eric: Oh-
Brandon: I pat- I pat them on the head a bit.
Amanda: I’m gonna hop on my newfound friend and say
Amanda (as Inara): Hi friend, I’m Inara, who are you?
Eric (as goat): Behhhhh!
Brandon: So, are we riding off into the sunset towards this-
Amanda: Oh, yeah, no you and I are going on this goat.
Brandon: Let’s go!
Amanda: Up, up, and up-
Brandon: Oh, am I on this goat too?
Amanda: Oh, yeah!
Brandon: Can we fit on-
Eric: Two people can fit on one of the things. Not all three.
Brandon: Alright, I am on this goat!
Amanda: Hell yeah.
Eric: Okay.
Amanda: I’m on a goat!
[laughter leading to applause]
Eric: [rapping to ‘I’m On a Boat’] I- I got my animal themed patina afghan. There you go.
Amanda: Yeah.
Eric: Okay, so how- how are you gonna get faster? Like you need- how are you gonna catch up to this thing?
Brandon: Encouragement I think, right?
Eric: Okay-
Brandon: Just nice-
Amanda: Positive reinforcement.
Brandon: Positive reinforcement.
Brandon (Tracey): Hey, goat, you’re doing great!
Amanda: I think infinite apples and also oatcakes from my pocket.
Eric: Okay.
Michael: Well, I was just gonna Misty Step up- Light Step up- I forgot I- yes, Light Step up.
Eric: Okay, as you guys get closer- that’s honestly pretty good.
Michael: Yeah, it’s the obvious move.
Amanda: Also, if the peak is shadowed, I’ll just Shadow Cowl my way up.
Michael: Yeah, really Tracey’s the only one who has a problem here.
[Eric laughing]
Brandon: I have- I can dash.
Eric: Well here’s the thing. So you’re all running and I think the positive encouragement is making the goat go even faster and he’s going, “behhhhhh!” and it runs over rocky outcroppings, and just like speeds through, and Johnny’s just like clomping along on Joe the Camel, because Joe the Camel knows what he’s about.
Michael: I was gonna say Joe the Camel and I just together Light Step.
Eric: You can’t take Joe the Camel!
Michael: Mmm…
Eric: No! No you can’t take him with you!
Amanda: Blank space.
Eric: So-
Amanda: You can ride real fast
Brandon: Yeah, I think we’re at the base of the mountain.
Michael: Okay fine, yeah, yeah.
Eric: Okay, so as you get closer, Johnny, you just Light Step and you leave Joe the Camel, and Joe the Camel just starts chewing on some cud over there.
Michael: But he doesn’t die.
Eric: No, he just hangs out.
Michael: Okay, cool.
Eric: He’s fine. And Johnny-
Amanda: Why would he die?!
Michael: I don’t know, I’m worried he’s in the way or something!
Eric: Johnny, I want you to make an Athletics roll.
Michael: I mean, I Light Step so I should be fine.
Eric: Yeah, you can’t Light Step all the way, you’ve gotta grab onto one of the plants.
Michael: Well, if I knew I was gonna do an Athletics roll, I wouldn’t have Light Stepped.
Eric: Well you have to do it now.
Brandon: Do the roll! Do the roll!
Michael: Reminder to the audience, this is a -1 to whatever I roll.
[dice rolling]
Oh don’t worry though, because that’s a 1.
[audience erupts with laughter]
Eric: Can I get a-
Brandon: Crit check!
Michael: Can I get a confirmation on this 1?
Eric: Can you confirm the 1?
Michael: Oh good. Hey guys, I can’t die! It’s fine! I literally can’t die!
Eric: Alright, it’s a 1. Jeff says it’s a 1.
[applause]
Michael: Hold on, I have to throw this dice away.
Eric: Uh, Inara and Tracey, you’re galloping along on Behhh, your giant goat, and you see Johnny like just jump to, like, on top and try to hold onto the leg of the mountain-turtle, and he just sliiiiiides down.
Michael: I didn’t jump! I Light Stepped!
Eric: Well you appeared and then you hold onto it and then you’re just like “Oh no!” and you’re like a monkey sliding down a palm tree.
Brandon: You know what’s gonna happen, though, right?
Eric: Yeah, what are you gonna-
Brandon: Tracey’s gonna try to Long Arm of the Law him!
Amanda: Yeah!
[“woo!”s from the audience]
[dice rolling]
Brandon: Uh.. what do I have? I forgot Strength! A… 19!
Amanda: Woo!
Michael: Uh, against my AC?.. No, you’re fine it’s 13.
Eric: Oh my god.
Michael: At this point, it’s 13.
Eric: Okay.
Brandon: [whispering] I’m saving your life.
Eric: He doesn’t want to be saved, apparently. Alright so you’re riding up on the goat. Tracey, what does this look like?
Brandon: Uh, I’m riding up on the goat, and it’s like bullet time.
Amanda: Oh yeah.
Brandon: Like I see Johnny just like slowly sliding down, and without even looking, just shoot my Long Arm of the Law- I don’t know which hand it’s on.
Michael: Without even looking?
Brandon: I just shoot it, and I grab him, so he’s sort of like trailing behind a little bit, but I’m really stoked about it.
Amanda: His hair is like rippling.
Michael: I’m sorry, you’re dragging me behind you?!
Brandon: Just like a little bit. Just enough off the ground so you don’t get hurt.
Michael: He’s gonna damage me for that!
Brandon: You’re right.
Amanda: This is a one-shot, it’s gonna be okay.
Brandon: Health doesn’t matter, you can die, it’s great.
Michael: That’s a little too meta, but I’ll take it… Are you rolling for damage?!
Eric: Uh, Johnny, you take 8 points of damage.
[laughter]
For dragging along. And I think- okay so you’re now, you’re now alongside the mountain-turtle, and you’re stomping along-
Michael: Or dragging-
Eric: And you’re dragging Johnny backwards. And how are you gonna get- jump on top like onto the legs-?
Michael: Yeah how do you get Johnny up there?
Amanda: So we’re not on the mountain yet, we’re alongside-
Eric: You’re like alongside it like ‘Fast and Furious’, like you are on a goat next to like a stomping- next to like a big stomping mountain.
Michael: How typical of Eric to reference ‘Fast and Furious’.
Eric: I love ‘Fast and Furious’.
Amanda: Um, like Dom and his family, I am going to take my cues from my teammate and pull out my Shadow Cowl over my head-
Michael: You mean your family.
Amanda: - blink my way to the top of that mountain.
Eric: Okay. Well now you’re- you’re a ghost!
Amanda: I am a ghost. My hands are purple, they are Callie, they are scaly, and I can be either heard, seen, or touched. They are purple and scaly.
Eric: They are- you can see it’s happening right here in the studio!
Amanda: Magical effects!
Michael: Magic!
Brandon: Uh, I think Tracey’s just like taken aback by the loss of his teammate all of a sudden.
Eric: Inara’s just like “I’m a ghost now!”
Michael: Well you can pull me back up then.
Brandon: Yeah, I think I’m gonna retract the Long Arm of the Law and bring Johnny back on.
Eric: Johnny’s on the goat and Inara is like flying as a ghost to get on top of the mountain. How are you two going to get onto the mountain?
Brandon: Jump… I think.
Michael: I’m sorry I Light Stepped, I used a magic spell, a level 2 spell, by the way, and it didn’t work, so jumping?
Eric: Jump- you can try. It was the Athletics check that didn’t work.
Michael: I mean, my Strength is still a negative 1.
Eric: Try. Do something.
Brandon: Okay, so I’m jumping.
Michael: Is it Dexterity?
Brandon: It could be Dexterity.
Eric: It can be Dexterity if you do cool flips.
Amanda: Take a cue from your teammate.
Eric: Alright so Strength for-
Brandon: Is it Strength?
Eric: Do Strength.
Brandon: Uh, that would be a 14?
Eric: Okay.
Brandon: And by that I mean 15.
Eric: Alright, okay.
Michael: Johnny is going to jump and spin in the air, casting um, um, um, um, um-
Eric: Uh-huh, okay, okay, okay-
Michael: Um.
Eric: Okay.
Michael: Um.
Eric: Okay.
Amanda: This is the part where we have to cut out six minutes of podcast-
Eric: He’s like, “I’m gonna look through my spell cards like eh this one seems good!”
Michael: uh, casting Dancing Lights to like-
Eric: WHY?!
[laughter]
Michael: Wait, hold on, for effect while I’m spinning in the air to have Eduardo, Janice, Carlos, and I forgot the other one’s name-
Eric: You forgot your children!
Amanda: Bob!
Brandon: Wait, it’s Bob right?
Eric: I think it’s Bob?
Michael: Is it Bob?… help me- well they can’t help me. They’re helping me up.
Eric: Um, what’s the light situation of what you’re doing?
Michael: Well, okay, I was gonna ask because we’re under a mountain right, so it’s fairly dark?
Eric: Yeah.
Michael: So I’m casting these lights-
Eric: Okay.
Michael: So now with these four guys, I must ask… what is the light situation?
Eric: It’s pretty cool! There ya go!
Michael: Alright, very cool.
Amanda: Ooo!
Eric: Roll an Acrobatics check, and Tracey, you did 15?
Michael: Acrobatics?
Eric: Yeah.
Brandon: Yeah, I did 15.
Eric: Cool.
[dice rolling]
Michael: What’s an 8 + 3?
Eric: That’s 11.
Michael: I’m sorry, an 18 + 3.
Eric: Oh, that’s a different number. That’s 21! Okay.
Amanda: That is my sick day movie, by the way, is the movie 21. It’s about a poker con, or blackjack con, it’s great.
Michael: Remember that time I couldn’t read numbers?
Eric: What are we doing?
Amanda: Commentary.
Brandon: Tracey’s jumping on this turtle’s legs, let’s go.
Eric: There we go.
Michael: Johnny jumps, casts Dancing Lights to dance around him, as he rolled a 21 in Acrobatics, to jump onto the bottom of this turtle thing, and is going to crawl up it?
Eric: Yeah, shimmy up. Yeah.
Michael: This is totally not my skill set.
Amanda: Climbing is crawling but it's not on the ground. Think about it.
[laughter]
Eric: Um, Tracey, you manage to grab onto this leg of the Zaratan, and you shimmy your way up. Inara, you fly up to the top and land on a grassy outcropping.
Amanda: I sure do.
Eric: On like the back of the- the back of the Zaratans back- and Johnny, you flip in all types of ways. It’s a lovely light show, and with a 21 you’re able to grab onto the Zaratan’s tail and then- with your legs I guess?
Michael: I’m an old man. Technically.
Eric: Yeah, it’s cool. Yeah, it’s like a youtube video where it’s like, “look at this old man do cool stunts!”
Michael: That actually describes me so well.
Eric: Yeah, and you climb- you’re all able to climb up. You are now on the back of the Zaratan, and you still need to like climb your way up, and it’s surprisingly rocky as you work your way up to the top of the back.
Michael: It is a mountain.
Eric: It is a mountain, and there’s like a carapace and it is like you’re- it’s really like rock climbing.
Amanda: “Surprisingly Rocky” was the subtitle of my graduate thesis.
Michael: Nice.
[laughter]
Amanda: Sorry, was that too real?
Eric: That’s good.
Brandon: PJ, killin it.
Eric: I want you all to make Perception checks.
All: Woo.
[dice rolling]
Brandon: Brandon got an 8 + 2 for a 10.
Eric: Okay.
Michael: 16 + whatever I said Perception was.
Eric: Okay, I don’t know what it is.
Amanda: I got a 10.
Michael: 16 + 2 for an 18.
Eric: Okay. So-
Michael: Fish holding onto a tail- sorry, Johnny holding onto a tail can suddenly see something?
Eric: Well, you’re climbing up and now you’re kind of like rock climbing up.
Michael: I’ll take it.
Eric: Johnny, you hear a chittering sound like a “chee-chee-chee-chee-chee-chee”
Michael: I “chee-chee-chee-chee-chee” back.
[laughter]
Do you want me to do it, or-?
Eric: Yeah, do it.
Michael (as Johnny): Chee-chee-chee-chee-chee-chee-chee.
Eric: Alright, make an Animal Handling check.
Michael: Oh god.
[laughter]
That worked very well with Oatcake, okay.
Brandon: Tracey’s watching just bewildered about what’s happening right now.
Amanda: Yeah, Inara’s floating like, “What’s taking you so long”
Michael: Oh, no I thought it was a 20. It’s a 14 + 2.
Eric: Okay, 16. Um, as you- as
Michael: Thanks for the math.
Eric: No problem. As you climb up the rocky side, you see a- you’re looking for the chittering sound around, and you see a bright green scorpion.
Michael: Who’s my friend now, because I rolled so well.
Eric: You might think the scorpion is your friend, and you notice that there’s another one that comes out of a crack in the rock-
Michael: Who’s also my friend
Eric: And another one and another one-
Michael: Who’s also my friend.
Amanda: They’re coming to support us emotionally.
Michael: Absolutely. We’re having a rough day out here.
Brandon: “You guys- you’re almost there guys! You nailed it!”
Amanda: Yeah, exactly.
Brandon: “The summit’s just up there!”
Eric: And then there’s fifteen of these bright green scorpions, that are all-
Michael: They’re having their own picnic.
Amanda: They’re forming a motivational poster, like those good good cat “Hang on!” posters, but scorpions.
Michael: You know, support those who you love, you know?
Eric: Sting it!
Michael: What?
Eric: Sting it! That’s what the poster says.
Amanda: It’s “Just Sting it”
Eric: Sting it!
Michael: Oh no, that was-
Brandon: What are these scorpions doing? Are they threatening?
Amanda: Are they trying to sting us?
Eric: Yeah, they are not-
Amanda: Oh no.
Eric: So you try to get by them and there’s just not- they are they look dangerous. Like they’re, “Chee-chee-chee-chee-chee-chee,” and they’re getting louder.
Michael: They’re scorpions.
Eric: They get even louder as you guys get closer.
Michael: Do they react to me at all?
Brandon: Do they like apples? Is the question… or oatcakes?
Amanda: Are they in our way or can we go around them?
Eric: Yeah, they’re in your way. Like you’re trying to climb up the side of the- you’re trying to climb up the side of the rock face, and then like all of these bugs are just like gathering in front of you.
Michael: So they didn’t react to me talking to them?
Eric: No, they didn’t like it- one of them actually flicks its tail at you.
Michael: With a 16…
Eric: Even with a 16, they do not like you.
Michael: This seems like an impossible task.
Brandon: Throw some apples and oatcakes. Distract them.
Michael: I turn my bag over and a giant pile of apples appears. Just like just apples.
Amanda: Yup. And I start throwing them at each of the scorpions.
Michael: No, don’t throw them at them!
Amanda: Why?!
Michael: They’re gonna think we’re attacking!
Brandon: Just give them a meal so they can-
Amanda: Oh that’s right, I’m gonna roll them gently down towards the scorpions?
Eric: Wait, are you throwing them at the scorpions?
Michael: Underhand!
Amanda: Underhand, I’m gonna underhand like softball pitch them towards the.
Michael: Bowling, bowling.
Amanda: That’s true.
Eric: Alright, Inara-
Michael: Roll for attack.
Eric: Inara, as [laughing]…
Michael: Stop laughing!
Eric: I can’t!
Amanda: That’s always a very bad sign.
Michael: That’s a very bad sign.
Eric: As- you’re just like tossing apples, it’s funny. As you’re like slowly throwing the apples at the scorpions, you hear the distinctive whirring of a fidget spinner.
[cheers and laughter]
Amanda: Are you… kidding me?!
Brandon: Oh no! Come on!
Michael: Nooo! Boooo!
Mike Schubert (as character): What are you doing attacking the scorpions?!
Amanda (as Inara): Who are you, man?
Michael: Oh no
Mike (as character): Just leave the scorpions be, guys.
Amanda (as Inara): Fidget spinners are so 2015.
Mike (as character): Okay, but you don’t have to-
Brandon (Tracey): Can I play with it?!
Mike (as character): They’re like really cool now, don’t worry. Hey!
Michael (as Johnny): Friend, what’s your name, would you like an apple?
Mike (as character): My name’s Jeffrey.
Michael: Sounds too close to whatever that other guy’s name was.
Eric (as Jersh): I’m JERSH!
Michael: Oh god.
Eric: You hear on the wind, “Jersh!”
[laughter]
Michael: I’m like severely worried that’s a vape.
Mike (as Jeffrey): If only! It’s bad for my lungs. No, this is a very important tool.
Mike: And I blow my slide whistle.
Eric: Yeah.
[slide whistle blowing]
Eric: I want everyone to make a Wisdom saving throw.
[laughter]
Michael: Is this like a charm spell?
Eric: Y- kind of.
Michael: Okay, I have advantage.
Eric: Oh, yeah it was a charm spell.
Michael: We have advantage.
Eric: You have advantage.
[dice rolling]
Amanda: Nice. I got a 16.
Michael: I got a 12 + 5 for a 17.
Eric: Okay. Hey, it’s Michael Schubert from the Potterless Podcast!
Michael: Heeeey!
[cheers]
Eric: He-he-he I got him to play a hippie bro, it was pretty fun-
Michael: A hippie bro?
Brandon: I don’t know what I rolled. What did I roll?
Michael: It was a 13.
Brandon: Okay, great! What is the- what am I rolling?
Amanda: Wisdom saving throw.
Michael: Wisdom saving, you don’t have much of that.
Eric: Wisdom saving.
Brandon: Well, good, I have a -1.
Michael: -1, I said you don’t have much of that.
Amanda: Negative Wisdom, makes sense.
Michael: Yeah, right? [giggling]
Eric: So Johnny and Inara, you hear the slide whistle- can you do the slide whistle again?
[slide whistle sound]
So Inara and Johnny, you hear the slide whistle and you’re just like, “why the fuck is there a slide whistle?”
Amanda: That’s correct.
Eric: And Tracey, as you’re holding onto the rock face, you feel your hands start to slip, and you fall backwards.
Amanda: Oh no.
Michael: And then I cast my Long Arm of the Law.
Eric: You don’t have that!
Michael: No.
Brandon: I do do that though, I cast my Long Arm of the Law out.
Eric: Yeah.
Brandon: To try to grab something.
Michael: Please not me, please not me, pease not me.
[dice rolling]
Brandon: I don’t know what that says.
Amanda: It’s a 17!
Brandon: Hey!
Michael: Hey!
Brandon: 17 + 3 hey that’s 20! That is the number 20!
Michael: Non-natural.
Eric: So with a non-natural- don’t worry Jeff, you’re fine, it’s a non-natural 20. So with a non-natural 20 you’re able to grab back onto the rock face, and you are also marveling at the slide whistle.
Brandon: Just like in reality.
Eric: Just like reality. You look up where the fidget spinner is coming from and this is a furbolg. A furbolg is like six feet tall, and blue-skinned, and has shaggy blue hair. He is wearing a bucket hat [laughs]
Michael: I did like that, and now I don’t.
Brandon: this is a baseball hat.
Eric: I know, well, if he had a bucket hat he’d be wearing it. A tank top that says “Beasts Rule” and cargo shorts of course.
Brandon: It’s a sailboat.
Eric: The furbolg is standing at the top of the rock face, and you can see behind him, there’s like a little hut behind the furbolg as he’s standing at the top of this- of this rock face.
Michael: Well, without asking him, I’m just gonna go into the hut, see if he has any kind of good food.
Amanda: Yeah, no, I’m gonna run toward the hut.
Eric: You’re just gonna like brush past this guy?
Amanda: Yeah.
Michael: I mean, clearly-
Brandon: Uh, I’m gonna say
Brandon (Tracey): Whadduuuup?!
[laughter]
Mike (as Jeffrey): Hey, bro, what’s gooood?
Brandon: Tracey tries a cool handshake and it’s just-
Michael: I’m the one with the Arcane secret handshake.
Brandon: Can someone roll for me?
Eric: You’re gonna roll for handshakes?
Brandon: Yeah.
Michael: We’ve made that a precedent, that we have to roll for handshakes.
Brandon: That’s a big old 8.
Eric: You go for the fist bump, and he goes for the high-five-
Amanda: Oh no!
Eric: And it’s just- you’re just holding each other’s hands for a long time.
[chuckles from the audience]
Michael: Johnny looks on disappointedly and is going to attempt to recover with an Arcane secret handshake.
Eric: Okay.
Amanda: Alright, Inara in the meantime is running towards the hut where the mystery is gonna be solved.
Michael: Which, by the way, is a 19 + 1.
Amanda: Ooo!
Eric: Alright, what do you do?
Michael: I give him a cool handshake.
Eric: What is the cool handshake?
Michael: Oh no, we’re gonna make this up now?
Eric: Yeah.
[giggles]
Michael: Oh, this was a mistake. And that’s a handshake!
[laughter]
Brandon: It’s just a regular handshake.
Eric: It’s just a regular handshake, good.
Mike: It’s so boring, it comes back around and it’s the coolest thing.
Amanda: It’s normcore, man.
Michael: It’s- yeah.
Eric: It’s like, “I really want this guy to come work at my hedge fund, like that sounds really cool.”
Amanda: “The most metal thing is to have a 9-5 with a 401k and health insurance!”
Michael: Yo, that’s metal af.
Amanda: I know.
Brandon (Tracey): Can I go in your hut?
Mike (as Jeffrey): Well since you asked so kindly, sure.
Michael: We’re already in the hut.
Brandon: Yeah, I’m asking permission first.
Eric: Inside, it’s kind of just like a regular bachelor pad.
Michael: Sorry, what’s the light situation first?
Mike (as Jeffrey): Please tell me I have like wizard cheetos and chocolate milk.
Eric: You absolutely do!
[Mike cheering]
This is like, yeah there’s cheetos everywhere, there’s chocolate milk, there’s- some in the fridge, but some’s not-
Michael: I take the stuff that’s not in the fridge.
Eric: Gross. There’s a magic eye poster on the far wall. There’s a mattress on the floor.
Mike (as Jeffrey): Duh.
Amanda: Is there a ‘Fight Club’ soap poster?
Eric: There is! I actually wrote down “Fight Club poster”
Amanda: I’m calling myself out because the two posters I brought to freshman year of college were the ‘Fight Club’ soap poster and a Dave Matthews Band live show poster.
[cheers]
Eric: Yeaaaaaah.
Michael: You couldn't be more on brand if you tried.
Eric: [singing] bow-bow-bow. [in Josh voice] He wakes up in the morning, I’m JERSH!
Amanda: If you want me to keep playing the game, we have to not sing Dave Matthews Band yet.
Eric: That’s fair. That’s fair.
Amanda: That’s for the Afterparty.
Eric: Yeah, inside there is also on the far wall you just see a whole wall of slide whistles. There’s- the one he’s holding-
Michael: Are they labeled?
Eric: They are. the one he’s holding is blue, but the other ones are red, and green, and orange, and one’s tie-dye, and one’s indigo.
Michael: What’s the tie-dye one labeled?
Eric: What’s the tie-dye one labeled, Schubes?
Mike (as Jeffrey): That one is called “Slippin”… Slippin’ the slide whistle.
[laughter]
Michael: I absolutely grab Slippin’ the slide whistle.
Eric: Okay.
Michael: Absolutely.
Amanda: I wanna roll Perception for the “stop the mountain” slide whistle.
Michael: That seems too obvious.
Amanda: Just sayin’
Eric: It’s cool-
Michael: Do I get the slide-
Mike: HA! HA!
Eric: What’d you roll?
Michael: Are you serious?
Amanda: It’s a crit-1.
Brandon: Jeff!!
Eric: Jeff, get over here!
Michael: Confirm please.
Eric: Please confirm.
Michael: I love this gag. This bit is good.
Eric: I thought it was funny.
Michael: Ten out of ten for this bit. Yeah, applaud the bit! It’s a good bit!
[applause]
Eric: I like this Jeff guy. No, I-
Michael: Okay, so she clearly sees nothing, but can I grab this-
Eric: Inara’s like, “Wow, look at all the slide whistles!”
Amanda: It’s true. I touch the glittery one.
Eric: Yeah.
Michael: There’s a glittery one?
Amanda: There is now.
Michael: Okay.
Eric: Yeah there’s a glittery one, like look how glittery!
Michael: I’d like to further the plot.
Eric: Okay, go ahead. Try.
Michael: What do we do next?
[laughter]
Eric: Ask something of your new friend! He’s sitting right there!
Brandon (Tracey): Jeffrey, why are you in a shack on a moving mountain?
Mike (as Jeffrey): Well, you know, it was just kind of here, and no one charges me rent, so…
Brandon (Tracey): That’s a very good reason.
[laughter]
Michael: Oh my god I hate this guy.
Amanda: Is this what it’s like to be a bro?
Michael: Get a job, hippie! I’m Johnny-
Michael (as Johnny): Get a job, hippie. Sorry.
Mike (as Jeffrey): Well my job is to just kind of keep everything sage here. I just wanna keep peace with the situation here.
Michael (as Johnny): Have you heard about fiscal responsibility?
Brandon (Tracey): Do you know that the mountain’s about the attack the Great Green?
Mike (as Jeffrey): I don’t know if- attack seems like a strong word.
Brandon (Tracey): Very slowly attack the Great Green.
Mike (as Jeffrey): I mean the mountain just does as it does.
Michael (as Johnny): What’s your tax statement situation? Do you pay taxes?
Michael: This is a joke just for me, I don’t care if none of you laugh. This is just for me.
Amanda: I would have laughed more if you said, “What’s your W2 situation?”
Michael: Ah, damnit that was much better!
Amanda: Thank you.
Mike (as Jeffrey): I’m in between jobs right now.
Michael (as Johnny): Yeah, of course you are. Of course you are.
Brandon (Tracey): How do we stop this mountain?!
Mike (as Jeffrey): So, alright, here’s the deal, guys, I just couldn’t see you attacking these innocent animals. Like the scorpions look mean, sure, but they mean well.
Amanda (as Inara): We were giving them food!
Michael (as Johnny): No one attacked them.
Mike (as Jeffrey): They’re deathly allergic to apples.
[laughter]
Amanda (as Inara): No one told me that!
Mike (as Jeffrey): I just, I thought everyone knows green scorpions are allergic to apples- is that not-
Eric: Well, let me check my DM bible- skim, skim, skim, skim, skim, skim, skim- yep! Green scorpions are allergic to apples!
Michael: Can I roll for Animal Lore?
Mike (as Jeffrey): So I had to use my slide whistles to make you guys slip off of the mountain, because I couldn’t-
Brandon (Tracey): That was you?!
Mike (as Jeffrey): That was me! Sorry about that.
Amanda (as Inara): Alright so like teen to teen here, which one of those slide-
Mike (as Jeffrey): Why are you talking like me?
Amanda (as Inara): But you’re talking like me, my dude.
Mike (as Jeffrey): I’m thirty seven.
[laughter]
Michael: Yeah, I definitely don’t like this guy and I’m going to Eldritch Blast him in a moment.
Amanda: Anyway...
Mike (as Jeffrey): Yeah, What’s up?
Amanda (as Inara): [in bro voice] Now I’m just talking more like you.
Mike (as Jeffrey): Uh-huh!
Amanda (as Inara): Which one of those slide whistles stops the mountain?
Mike (as Jeffrey): Well, I don’t think any of these will stop the mountain, but I do have a thing I can do on the slide whistle to get rid of the scorpions in a natural way.
Michael: It wouldn’t be natural if you-
Amanda (as Inara): That doesn’t help advance the plot.
Mike (as Jeffrey): It helps you get past the scorpions.
Amanda (as Inara): Let’s do it then.
Mike (as Jeffrey): Cool.
Eric: So you- hold up! Wait a second! Alright, so- what did I say Moonbeam? What did you say, Moonbeam?
Mike: No, Jeffrey.
Eric: Oh-
[laughter]
Mike: You told me the character’s name was Jeffrey!
Eric: I thought you were gonna be like, “I’m Jeffrey but you can call me Moonbeam!”
Mike: I’m Jeffrey but you can call me Jeffrey.
Eric: Okay. So Jeffery takes you outside of the hut and back to where the scorpions are still chittering going, “Chee-chee-chee-chee-chee-chee,” and one of them like winks at Johnny. There’s your Animal Handling.
[laughter]
Michael: Do I blush? Should I roll for blushing?
Eric: Yeah, you blush. No, you just blush.
Michael: Alright, I just blush.
Eric: Alright, and- do it, Schubes.
[slide whistle blowing]
Eric: And-
Brandon (Tracey): That was beautiful.
Mike: That was in the opposite direction.
Michael: I needed you to clarify because I genuinely didn’t notice the difference.
Eric: And all of you start hearing a fluttering sound, and you see a big flock of bombinates fly out from a tree outcropping and they go and they eat- they eat all the scorpions.
Michael: OH MY GOD!
Amanda: What?!
Michael: No!
[audience laughing, gasping]
Brandon: I shared my sugar water with them!
Michael: You wouldn't let us kill them, but they-
Mike (as Jeffrey): It had to be done in a natural way. This is the circle of life.
[laughter]
Brandon (Tracey): Jeffrey, you’re awful!
Michael: I super hate Jeffrey.
Mike (as Jeffrey): It’s how nature intended. Now, if you don’t mind me, these shells go great in a smoothie. So I’m gonna harvest the shells, you guys have fun.
[laughter, applause]
Amanda: He’s definitely running like a multi-level marketing scheme on like scorpion shell protein powder.
Michael: Oh my god. It’s true.
Brandon: It’s the food of the future.
Eric: Yeah, as Jeffrey runs away, you notice that he dropped his slide whistle behind him.
Brandon: Tracey picks it up!
Michael: Good.
Brandon: Yeah, no throw it!
Mike: [from a distance] Oops!
Amanda: You don’t have very good Dexterity.
Michael: Please say it broke.
Brandon: Let me test it, hang on.
[slide whistle blows poorly]
[laughter]
Brandon: Is that how you do it?
Michael: [through laughter] That is genuinely the worst thing I’ve ever heard.
Eric: Tracey-
Brandon: Did I do it good?
[Michael laughing]
Eric: Tracey, you fall right on your ass.
Amanda (as Inara): Yeah, Tracey, you did great.
Michael: Oh no! You took like infinite damage.
Brandon (Tracey): Thanks, Inara.
Amanda (as Inara): You’re welcome.
Brandon (Tracey): I’ll do- I’ll put you to sleep with it every night.
Amanda (as Inara): Positive reinforcement worked for the goats, so I’m hoping it’s going to work for you.
Brandon (Tracey): It will!
Eric: Okay, so Tracey, while you’re- even though you’re doing that so badly, here’s what the slide whistle does: so you get advantage in anything you want to do with birds, like an Animal Handling that has to do with birds. You can also knock creatures prone, they have to make an Intelligence save of at least 15.
Brandon: Great, that’s fantastic.
Eric: So that’s what happens. Wait, a Wisdom- sorry a Wisdom save of at least 15.
Brandon: I wanna wave to the birds and blow the whistle.
[slide whistle blowing badly]
Amanda: We know what it sounds like by now.
Michael: This is my least favorite thing we’ve done.
Brandon: Oh, you shouldn’t have given me this.
[laughter]
This is all I’m doing for the rest of the show.
Eric: You see- you watch the bombilates are all just like chomping on scorpions and they’re like what?
Amanda: Nooo, you reminded me of it. I’d forgotten already!
Eric: Chomp, chomp, chomp, chomp, chomp.
Michael: Oh, come on.
Amanda: They have allergies, just like me!
Michael: Johnny is going to leave this horrible, wretched place, and start moving towards where he believes the direction he thinks he should go.
Brandon: Tracey will follow.
Michael: He knows all of this, obviously.
Eric: Well it’s sloping up. It looks like a- looks like a turtle. If you were standing on top of a turtle.
Amanda: Eric, that does not help us!
Michael: Nothing about what you’re doing is helping!
Eric: It’s sloping upwards, and you’re seeing that it starts to get-
Amanda: Like a mountain!
Eric: Like a mountain.
Michael: Or a turtle! Or a scorpion! Or any shape!
Amanda: I’m gonna run as up as I can.
Eric: Okay.
Brandon: Yeah, I’m gonna go in that direction as well.
Michael: I’m gonna walk. I don’t know why we have to run.
Amanda: I’m hoping Tracey’s too winded to blow the whistle anymore.
Brandon: Right now he is. It’s very hot in this suit.
Amanda: It’s very hot in this cape.
Michael: Could you put the head on again?
Brandon: No, it’s important times only.
Michael: Oh fine.
Eric: So that means it’s not important yet. Okay, so all of you start running towards the neck of the turtle- of the Zaratam.
Michael: Walking slowly.
Eric: And it reaches back up and like it’s trying to get an itch-
Amanda: It has arms?!
Eric: No, like its head reaches backwards.
Michael: Thank god.
Amanda: Okay.
Eric: No it doesn't have arms. It’s like just stomping and - you get like a- a view, a panoramic view of the Great Green, and it’s- you-
[door creaks in the room]
Michael: That was so dramatic.
Brandon: It’s the mountain creaking in the distance.
Amanda: The turtle’s shell opens to reveal…
Michael: It’s been Greg the whole time?
Brandon: Beer. Beer in a cooler.
Amanda: Polly Pocket World!
[laughter]
Michael: Ooh, your joke was 1,000 times better than mine.
Amanda: Thanks.
Eric: The Zaratan is now getting dangerously close to the Great Green, in fact a lot of elves that look like Inara but like in different hats are-
[laughter]
are running out- are running out of the forest.
Michael: What?!
Eric: It’s like Inara with a straw hat, and then like Inara with a fez on.
Brandon: Is that how they differentiate each other?
Eric: Yeah!
Michael: So Inara is literally the only one without a hat?
Amanda: The three of us go to the Smurf Museum in Belgium one time.
[laughter]
Michael: Actually though!
Amanda: Alright, well how do I defeat this monster?
Brandon: Yeah, Tracey wants to head towards-
Eric: Alright well all of Inara’s cousins are running out of the forest and they’re trying to shout up to you, and yeah they don’t know what to do. What are you- how are you going to divert this big monster that’s stomping towards the Great Green?
Brandon: Where are we exactly on the monster?
Eric: You’re at its head- you’re on top of its head.
Brandon: Great.
Eric: So you’re standing on top of its neck, and it's about a 100 foot that’s a circle, is what I’m making with my hands.
Amanda: Diameter.
Eric: Yeah, a hundred foot diameter circle, um, you also see there are like ear holes like there are in, you know in amphibians, in frogs and turtles.
Amanda: Anyway, I’m gonna run over to the earhole and be like
Amanda (as Inara): Um hey, Mr. Mountain, Ms. Mountain. Mx. Mountain, I’m not sure what your honorific is. I really would love for you to stop and tell me all about your life. I want to ask you some questions.
Michael: I really wish-
Amanda: Also, please don’t keep running forward.
Brandon (Tracey): Inara, try this!
Brandon: And Tracey tosses the slide whistle over to Inara.
Amanda (as Inara): Johnny, we got it away from him, let’s go!
Michael: Inara and Johnny leave.
Amanda (as Inara): No, no, no talk to the mountain!
Eric: It’s still stomping forward. You can try to make an Animal Handling check.
Amanda: I don’t have very good numbers on that.
Michael: I am going to do an Intimidation roll.
Eric: Okay.
Michael: Here’s what I’m going to say.
Eric: Let me know.
Michael: Well obviously. We will play a very annoying slide whistle sound very off, like beat and sound, it’s gonna sound awful if you don’t just stop and chill and talk to us.
Amanda: I got a non-natural 20 in Animal Handling.
Eric: Ooo!
Michael: Ignore everything I said.
[laughter]
as is often the case.
Brandon: It was all a distraction!
Eric: Okay, I’m gonna roll against that.
[dice rolling]
Amanda: Big money.
Brandon: Wait for it, wait for it, wait for it.
Michael: It’s a natural 20.
Brandon: Wait for it, wait for it, wait for it.
Eric: I got- yeah, I got a 15, buuuuttttt it has +5 to stuff, so it tied you.
Amanda: So ties go to the-
Michael: To the defender.
Eric: Ties go to the defender, so-
Amanda: Same team!
Eric: It keeps stomping off and it goes- and the Zaratam goes
Eric (as the Zaratam): Rrrrooooooooo
Michael: Okay, Johnny’s gonna go like and start lecturing this guy about like the respon-
Amanda: Wait, can you Charm Person?
Eric: No you can’t, it’s a monstrosity, you can’t do that.
Michael: Charm Person? Charm Mountain?
Eric: There is no Charm Mountain.
Amanda: Mountains are people. They’re just hoo-mans.
[laughter]
[slide whistle]
Michael: I… it actually really bothers me.
[laughter]
Amanda: I”m sorry, I hope this one works because we’re near the end of the adventure.
Michael: Um I’m gonna go and- and just try to convince this, this creature to stop.
Michael (as Johnny): Uhhhhhhhh Mr. Zaratan, I’m Johnny B. Goodlight. I just want you to know that you’re about to kill thousands of people. And while it doesn’t personally bother me, I just want you to know that those deaths will be on your feet. And head. And body. And I wish for you to live a nice life, you know go to whatever heaven exists in this plane, the Celestial or whatever, and I’m not sure that you definitely not- I don’t think you wanna kill these people.
Michael: In short, Johnny lectures this creature on the responsibility on whether or not it should be killing thousands.
Eric: Yeah, it has no effect.
Michael: You won’t let me roll?!
Eric: N- It’s it’s like a monstrous creature, it doesn't get Intimidated.
Michael: Oh, I was trying Persuasion.
Eric: You can’t persuade a monster!
Michael: Animal Handling?
Eric: No! You’re done, alright let’s move on.
[laughter]
Michael: Hold on! Could it be Survival? Could it be Religion?
Eric: No!
Michael: Have we tried Medicine?
Eric: Jeff, can you shake your head at Johnny to tell him not to do any of these things?
Michael: This bit, honestly, is gold.
Eric: It’s very good. It’s a great bit. Inara, you blew the whistle.
Amanda: I did.
Eric: So the- I rolled very poorly on behalf of the Zaratan.
Amanda: Tight.
Eric: And you feel like it’s knee- there was like a momentary like stomp, and it like catches itself, and then it keeps- and then keeps walking.
[slide whistle]
Michael: Johnny casts Thaumaturgy to increase the volume of this.
Amanda: I did it real quiet because you don’t like it.
Michael: Well, I’m increasing the sound volume in-
Brandon: In the fantasy world!
Michael: In fantasy world!
Amanda: Fantasy, yes.
Michael: Because IRL it makes me want to just jump out and leave.
Amanda: Good teamwork, good teamwork, okay.
Michael: Good teamwork.
Eric: Tracey, do you want to increase the volume in some way?
Brandon: Um… no.
Michael: He uses his axe.
Brandon: I just like rah rah from the back! What do you mean?
Amanda: Good, good.
Eric: Alright, I want all three of you to make a Charisma- we’re gonna make Charisma rolls.
Amanda: Okay.
[dice rolling]
Michael: Just straight Charisma?
Eric: Just straight-up Charisma rolls.
Michael: Eh, it’s +4 I’m not gonna complain.
Hold on, can I get confirmation that that’s a 20?
Eric: Ooo!
Brandon: Ooo!
[crowd cheering]
Michael: Can I-
Eric: Oh, we’re getting more help from the side!
Michael: I need like- he needs-
[laughter, applause]
Michael: This bit is SO GOOD!
Eric: It’s solid gold, people.
Michael: That’s a 20 right there, right?
Jeffrey: It’s a 20!
[crowd cheers]
Michael: And this dice doesn’t get thrown away.
Eric: No it doesn’t. Alright, so it’s a 20?
Michael: For whatever- I honestly don’t remember.
Eric: Natural 20.
Amanda: 15.
Eric: 15.
Brandon: Uh, 17.
Eric: Ooo, y’all rolled real high! Alright, so the slide whistle, which was only bored into your heads before, is now louder than it- thats it’s ever been. It’s like church bells, but a thousand church bells, but its a slide whistle!
Amanda: Okay, okay, okay.
Michael: Johnny- that-
Eric: You slide and it goes, “Woooooooooo” and the Zaratan’s knees start to buckle, and it stomps forward and crashes, and it starts to fall forward into the- into the edge of the Great Green, and all three of you are falling. What do you do?
Michael: Can I Light Step to the ground?
Brandon: Just like normaaaaaal.
Amanda: Can you Long Arm of the Law to try to anchor us backward?
Brandon: Yes. So is he like flying like-
Eric: It’s like falling forward
Amanda: We’re falling forward and you like anchor us to the back.
Brandon: Yeah… yeah…
Eric: You’re sliding off of the front of the- front of the head of the Zaratan.
Michael: This is very easy.
Eric: Okay.
Michael: I’m gonna Blade Ward myself.
Eric: Alright.
Michael: And then I’m gonna Light Step, because I can.
Eric: Okay.
Michael: WIth my second spell slot. Don’t look at my character sheet. Oh, the spells aren’t there. Perfect. Um, [laughing] I’m clearly lying. I’m gonna Light Step with my Blade Ward off of this creature onto safe space where this creature won’t hurt me and I just land and I have Blade Ward anyway so don’t hurt me…
Amanda: Okay, so Johnny’s out.
Eric: So Johnny saves himself.
Michael: Oh, thank god.
Brandon: So here’s what I’m doing. I’m gonna grab Inara with one hand, and then use my Long Arm of the Law to try to grapple the edge of the shell sort of situation
Amanda: Uh-huh
Brandon: And then batman-fly out of there. But here’s the catch.
Eric: Okay.
Brandon: I rolled a 10.
Eric: Alright.
Brandon: So, you tell me…
Michael: Could I use the Undying Light and send forth a bit of the Undying Light to give him a d4 roll of help?
Eric: Okay, yeah, Tracey roll a d4.
Amanda: Alright!
Brandon: I got a 4! Whaadduuuuup!
[audience cheers]
Michael: Genuine shock. Genuine shock.
Brandon: So 14!
Eric: 14!
Michael: Better than any-
Amanda: More than half!
Eric: Alright, Inara, what are you doing as you’re in Tracey’s like- you’re under Tracey’s arm and he’s trying to batman swing through the- the top of this falling mountain. What are you doing?
Amanda: Yeah, I’m gonna make a power pose and put one arm forward and one arm on my hip with my skateboard under it, and also cast my cantrip Mage Hand to make a little helper hand just following his Long Arm of the Law.
Brandon: I love this. This is fantastic.
Amanda: Thank you.
Eric: This is like a hand on top of a hand?
Amanda: I’m here for flavor.
Brandon: And Tracey yells
Brandon (Tracey): Hold on!
Eric: So as you’re flying through the air, like a ball of light comes out of Johnny’s lantern and it starts to float towards you, and it seems like you are just like going to edge yourself right up against the Zaratan that is crashing down upon you. And you manage to go right past its craggly nose, and you are starting to go faster and faster, and you come up against the ground, and you are flying right into a tree.
Brandon: Good. good. good. good.
Eric: There is a massive oak tree that is right in front of you.
Brandon: Wait. This is one of the extreme situations that requires a helmet.
Amanda: Oh good.
[laughs then cheers from the audience]
Brandon: Alright, I’m ready!
Michael: Oh, that actually works!
Brandon: Can you hear me through this?
Michael: Yeah!
Amanda: Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Eric: It’s pretty good.
Brandon: I am gonna take my- my Great Axe and take a swing at this tree.
Eric: Okay.
Brandon: What do I do? Roll a dice?
[laughter]
Eric: Yeah, roll an attack- well you’re doing it in person.
Amanda: It’s a 15.
Eric: Hey!
Brandon: 15 plus, hold on, hold, on-
Michael: That tree can’t have high AC.
Brandon: That’s a 15 + 6 for a 21!
Michael: Ooh!
Amanda: Whooooa!
Eric: You were flying towards the tree, and you level your axe and it sticks right into the tree, and you are braced aside it. You take no damage-
Amanda: Yeah!
Eric: With Inara under one arm.
[cheers]
Brandon: I can safely remove my helmet!
Eric: Johnny- Johnny you teleport to what you think is safe ground, and you look around and you’re like ah!
Amanda: Uh-oh.
Michael: This is what I get for helping them.
Eric: I think I’m safe! I’m Johnny B. Goodlight. And you turn around-
Michael: Where was I?
Eric: And you turn around, and the Zaratan is bearing down towards you, and you see the shadow of this mon- this giant mountain is just crumbling towards you, and you have five seconds, what are your last words?
Michael: Um…
[laughter]
Eh, I’ll come back to life. That’s a nat-20?
Eric: No, it’s not. But, you feel a tug on the back- on the back of your kimono?
Michael: If it’s Alonzo I will be so-
Eric: You feel a tug on the back of your kimono, and you are pulled out of the way, and you fall over onto your belly and it’s covered in grass stains, and you look up-
Amanda: Oh my god, it’s Jersh isn’t it?
Brandon: No, it’s Alonzo!
Eric: It’s better. And it’s the rocky face of Stoneface.
[entire party and audience cheers loudly]
Michael: I’ll take it!
Eric (as Stoneface): Ey, what did you think I was gonna leave you in the lurch like that? C’mon, we’re best friends for life!
Michael: I hug him and hand him my gross sandwich that he gave me earlier.
Eric (as Stoneface): Oh man! Overexposed tuna! Thank you!
Michael: And then we… share it?
Amanda: Don’t eat that sandwich.
Eric: You wanna share it?
Amanda: Don’t eat it.
Eric: It’s disgusting!
Michael: Sure.
Brandon: And then you picnic at the site of this destruction.
Eric: You all turn around-
Amanda: Yeah, what’s the damage here to the Great Green?
Eric: Yeah, a few - it was actually like right on the edge of the Great Green.
Amanda: Okay.
Eric: And like a few trees fell over, but it’s relative so it’s like a couple hundred.
Amanda: Okay, okay.
Eric: But like not so bad for this massive forest.
Amanda: Right.
Eric: And it was just on the edge, and a bunch of Inaras with different hats come out and they’re just looking at the rocks. And you see the Zaratam opens one amber eye, and it opens its mouth and goes
Eric (as Zaratan): [sadly] Rrrrrrrrrrrraaaaaa
Brandon: Before we leave, I just wanna cast real quick a ritual called Mending to save this tree.
Eric: Okay.
Amanda: Aw, nice.
Brandon: And then I’m just gonna put it and say
Brandon (Tracey): Oh, it’s- I’m sorry, tree!
Brandon: And then I bust out the ritual things and mend this tree back.
Amanda: Nice.
Michael: This is the most pandering I’ve ever heard.
Eric: And then it becomes the book ‘The Giving Tree!’
Brandon (Tracey): Yaaaaaaaaaay!
Brandon: And that’s the story of the giving tree.
Eric: Nope! it’s not over! The Zaratan goes
Eric (as Zaratan): Rrrrraaaaaa
Eric: And you hear from behind you
Eric (as Jersh): Oh no! The monster’s hurt!
Eric: And it’s Jerrrrrsh and his hair that’s down to his butt, flopping, that is flowing behind it. And he’s like
Eric (as Jersh): Er, I wanna take care of it. What am I supposed to do?
Brandon (Tracey): Bye, Josh!
Eric (as Jersh): How are we gonna take care of it? It was just wandering around!
Brandon (Tracey): I think that’s your job now!
Michael: Perhaps you should have been more responsible.
Eric (as Jersh): I don’t know if a lecture is what I need right now.
Brandon (Tracey): How can we help? What can we do?
Amanda (as Inara): Maybe ask the Speaker. That’s what we do in times of trouble and she usually brings bagels, so that’s pretty good.
Eric: It cuts to the Speaker and she’s gardening. She’s like pulling out weeds like
Eric (as the Speaker): Oh, I’m so glad I don’t have to deal with those assholes.
[Amanda, audience laughing]
Brandon (Tracey): That was rude!
Eric: And it cuts back and it’s like
Eric (as Jersh): I think if we say something nice to the Zaratan, it’s gonna feel better and it’s gonna be able to go away!
Amanda (as Inara): Uh, Mr. Zara- Mr. Ms. Mx. Zaratan?
Eric: And it goes
Eric (as Zaratan): Rrrrraaaahhh
Amanda (as Inara): I understand that you just wanna stretch your legs. I, too, enjoy doing sweet tricks. But sometimes, you gotta just do your sweet tricks in like a small area. Like your room, like a courtyard, like the Speaker’s office...
[laughter]
-like the top of a conference table. And that too is a kind of fun. So, you know, I hope that you can find fun in that as well and not kill all my friends and family.
Eric: He goes-
Amanda (as Inara): My name’s Inara.
[laughter]
Eric: It’s like
Eric (as Inara’s cousin): Hey! That’s my cousin! My cousin’s talking to the monster!
Amanda: Yeah! I give him the hang-ten.
Michael (as Johnny): Uh, Mr. Zertool
Michael: And then I just go into a thirty minute long conversation about- conversation… lecture on responsibility. Ending with-
Eric: Okay.
Michael (as Johnny): In short…
[laughter]
When killing innocents, do so in a more sneaky way.
Amanda: Is this ‘The Art of War’
Michael (as Johnny): Light be with you.
Brandon: Johnny took a turn in this one-shot.
Michael: I don’t know what’s happened to Johnny in this one-shot. It’s the heat. It’s the heat.
Eric: Josh is like
Eric (as Jersh): Wow, that took a really long time. Thanks I think.
Amanda (as Inara): Tracey, take us home.
Brandon (Tracey): Uh… well… I just wanna say that when you believe in your friends and your teammates, you won’t kill a bunch of people on the Great Green.
Brandon: And then I pat him on the head.
Eric: Okay. Alright, that was pretty good.
Amanda: I cast Mage Hand to also pet him on the head.
Michael: I cast a lot of like Prestidigitation, Dancing Lights, and like Color Spray to like make all of this better. But not Color Spray in the direction of someone to blind them, just like-
Eric: Just like up in the air?
Michael: Yeah.
Amanda: Aw, you’re so responsible.
Eric: The Zaratan…
Michael: It’s responsibility! Remember the lecture I just did? Here, let me do it again in case you missed it-
Amanda: No, no, no, no.
Eric: Cut to thirty minutes later.
Michael: Thirty minutes later!
Eric: The Zaratan looks at all three of you and goes
Eric (as Zaratan): Rrrrraaaawwww
Eric: And starts to get up on its feet, a little bit shaky, and it starts- it stomps backwards.
Amanda: We give him a thumbs up.
Eric: And it’s like, “Oh nice! I did a thing I was supposed to do!” and it walks away.
Michael: Yay!
Eric: Off into the distance-
Michael: To cause more destruction
Eric: And it’s gonna be someone else’s problem.
Michael: Yeah, to cause more destruction.
Amanda: But not in Fidapolis.
Eric: But not in the place we care about! Now, hey, the Zaratan’s taken care of! Now you can go back to your picnic!
[party cheers, audience joins in]
Eric: Stoneface-
Brandon: I make a plate of cheese and crackers. And, yeah, it’s delicious.
Eric: Stoneface has gotten into the Strawberry rhubarb pie while you weren’t looking. Inara's cousin- the one with the chef hat- has made peanut butter cup oatcakes. And everyone gets a little bit sunburned. And that was Picnic Party.
[audience cheers]
2-3-4!
[hosts all sing theme song together]
[slide whistle plays badly]
Michael: God that was-
Amanda: Hey, hi, hello, welcome to the Afterparty!
[enthusiastic cheers]
It’s the party after the party, where we talk about what just happened at the party.
Michael: What did just happen? I think I blacked out the entire time.
Eric: So you-
Michael: Was I in a murderous rage?
Eric: You quit when Jersh was happening.
Michael: Oh, I certainly did.
Eric: I think you had an out-of-body experience.
Amanda: So we would love to take some IRL questions from you.
Michael: Okay, so-
Amanda: Yes, Richard!
Richard: If each of you were to DM a question, what would you base it on?
Eric: Oh, that’s a good question!
Amanda: The question is if each of us were to DM a session, what would we base it around? I would definitely make my players plus Michael Schubert do Quidditch tryouts.
[laughter]
Brandon: Uh, Star Wars, 100% Star Wars. Star Wars.
Amanda: Like what era?
Brandon: Uh, I really liked the ‘Rogue 1’ aspect of like the spy thriller type situation
Amanda: Yeah, yeah.
Brandon: Because I want to be able to kill a lot of people and not have any consequences!
Amanda: No consequences at all!
Brandon: So yeah!
Amanda: No, it’s wars where everyone dies.
Eric: Yeah, just like how you usually play D&D.
Brandon: Or just do it on Montcalla where it’s all squid people and I’m very happy about that.
Amanda: Nice.
Michael: Huh, okay.
Amanda: Fish?
Michael: I did a superhero one- I DMed a superhero one once, and I’d do that again.
Amanda: Nice!
Brandon: Eric, would you do this?
Eric: I would do [in Josh’s character voice] I would just do this the entire time! And all of you have to deal with the voice!
Michael: You know what, that really is what threw me off.
Eric: My name’s Jersh!
Michael: Like Johnny was not himself today.
Eric: Here’s the thing- okay, here’s the thing about this voice.
Michael: Yeah, I have a question: why?? Why?
Amanda: Why? Whence? Wherefore?
Eric: We recently got YouTubeTV, and I don’t know if it’s just the fact that like the commercials are different when you see YouTube TV, but we kept seeing this commercial for something called Josh Wines. Like this is real- this is a real thing, that’s just wine by Josh.
Audience member: They’re delicious!
Really?
Amanda: Oh really? Wow.
Eric: Are you sure, because it’s by Josh!
Audience member: It’s a good winery!
Eric: I guess it’s a good winery.
Brandon: Josh is a very cool guy!
Amanda: Like a hype video for the Bachelor: only used by Josh and his wine.
Michael: Oh my god, it’s like the Bachelor Josh?
Eric: No.
Amanda: No.
Brandon: It’s just Josh in his wine cellar.
Michael: I’m pretending I know. I have no idea what the Bachelor is. i have no idea.
Eric: No, so I just came up with this guy who was just Josh of Josh Wines who was- came up with that fun voice, “I’m Jersh! From Jersh Wern!”
Michael: I’m sorry you said the word “fun” there and that offended me.
Amanda: And we were like, “Please! Commercials end!”
Brandon: Now in our campaign, does he also sell wine?
Eric: Oh he definitely- yeah, on the side he definitely has a winery.
Amanda: There’s a winery on the back side of the mountain.
Eric: Yeah, on the other side of the zoo, there’s a winery.
Michael: Now I’m really concerned-
Amanda: The terroir of the wine- how do you pronounce that? Shouldn’t have said this word. Terroir of the wine.
Brandon: Terroir
Eric: Um, it’s earthy. [in Josh voice] and also for fun!
Amanda: Okay, any more questions?
Michael: I’m really concerned that that’s the wine I drank in the wine bucket.
Amanda: Yes, Candace.
Candace: Does he sell his wine by the bucket or bottle?
[laughter]
Amanda: You can choose!
Brandon: This is very good.
Amanda: You can choose, because in Fidapolis the answer is, “both.”
Eric: Obviously buckets of wine. I mean, you’ve gotta sell wine by the bucket. How else would you drink it if not just in a giant tub?
Michael: Come on.
Eric: Oh wait, Heddy has a question.
Heddy: Hey, big fan, longtime listener.
Amanda: Thanks, Heddy.
Eric: She lives- Heddy lives with me.
Heddy: If you weren’t DMing, what kind of character would you want to play?
Eric: If I was playing?
Heddy: If you were playing.
Eric: Okay, that’s a really good question. Heddy has a question: what character would I play if I got to play in the fantasy realm. Actually the character sheet that you see that I put out on the table- I’m really interested, there’s a druid that like can just turn into a bear and then just like fights people in bars as a bear. So I’m just like, “I turn into a bear, and then I’m gonna eat your face!” So I just wanna like- I wanna wrestle people and then turn into a bear and eat their face.
Michael: This seems a little OP, but then again I can’t die.
Eric: That’s true, I did let you never die.
[Michael chuckling]
Does anyone have another question?.
Eric: Yes, Katie
Katie: If you were to get Freaky Friday’d with an NPC, what would be the most upsetting one?
[laughter]
Brandon: I thought you were gonna go the other way with that!
Michael: Should we all say the same one at the same time?
Eric: Hold on, wait, let me-
Amanda: Hold on, let me think.
Eric: Alright, so the question was, Katie asked: If you could get Freaky Friday’d with any NPC, who would be the worst one- the most upsetting one to get Freaky Friday’d with?
Amanda: Alright, I’m ready. 3-2-1, Alice.
Brandon: It was only one.
Amanda: Guys!
Brandon: Uh, well, I mean P0R0. That would just be upsetting.
Michael: Oh yeah, obviously Kevin Vacation, duh.
Eric: Wazaaaaap!
Michael: Wazaaaaap- Eldritch Blast.
Brandon: Uh, best though, Valentine? I wish I was Valentine.
Eric: Valentine’s lovely.
Amanda: That would be pretty good. I think I would want to be the kenku that was in charge of Döove and Böoster's that like had the hard hat and was walking around like talking to people, because I like checklists and also clipboards and that sounds like a great life.
Eric: And then I get to live in a Dave and Buster’s.
Amanda: Oh, I didn’t think that through.
[laughter]
Michael: I like how your positives- checklist, clipboards, ooooh, Dave and Buster’s?
Amanda: I’m not really huge on games.
Eric: No, you don’t like games. You’re on a Dungeons and Dragons podcast!
Amanda: Uh oh.
Brandon: Any more questions?
Amanda: Mischa!
Mischa: Your characters are playing a campaign that’s set in the real world. What is their class?
[laughter]
Eric: Oh that’s good.
Brandon: Our JTP characters?
Mischa: Yeah.
Brandon: Can we repeat the question?
Amanda: Our JTP characters are playing a D&D campaign set in this world that our current listeners occupy right now. What are our classes? Um-
Michael: This is so easy-
Brandon: Hey Eric, what are the classes?
Michael: Dad!
[laughter]
Michael: I’m a fiscally responsible- not conservative- fiscally responsible dad. I don’t care what my kids do with their lives as long as they’re taking care of themselves, they're eating right, they're going to their jobs, and they’re treating everyone around them well however I don’t tolerate annoyances, I can go on for literally hours. Someone interrupt me, please.
Amanda: Okay, Brandon!
Eric: Your background is being a fucking nerd.
Michael: Eh, fair.
Brandon: Uh.. soft boy, I think is Tracey’s class.
[laughter]
Cinnamon-roll boy.
Amanda: Yeah. I think disaster-bi.
[cheers]
Michael: Pandering!
Eric: Pandering!
Amanda: Now i’m pandering, Schubes.
Eric: Happy Pride.
Brandon: Happy Pride!
Amanda: Happy Pride. Yeah, no disaster-bi and every episode would begin with unpaid bills I should have gotten to last month.
Eric: Um, druid.
[laughter]
Michael: You know what, fair.
Amanda: Anything else?
Eric: No, just druid. I chose- it would be Stoneface and he wouldn’t understand, he’s like, [in Josh voice] “I’m a cabbage!”
Actually that was Jersh’s voice, hold on.
Michael: I’m a cabbage?!
Brandon: And no one understood it either.
Eric: [in Stoneface voice] Ay, I’m a sandwich! Eat me!
I actually have one more question for all of you.
Amanda: Oh!
Brandon: Uh oh!
Eric: You know this is around our one year anniversary.
Amanda: Yeah!
Eric: Which is crazy!
[cheers]
I can’t believe we’ve been doing this for a year. We just started out as like Brandon and Fish and I just being like, “Man, Dungeons and Dragons is fun, right?”
Brandon: We were in a bar after a work happy hour where we took advantage of this open bar and afterwards we were like, “Yo D&D is so cool!”
Eric: “I love D&D!”
Michael: This is so true.
Brandon: “I love rolling dice!”
Eric: It’s like, “We need one more person to play with. Hey does Amanda want to play with us?”
Brandon: And then she-
Michael: And she helped fix it.
Eric: Yeah, she fixed all of it.
Brandon: Didn’t help. Fixed it.
Michael: No, she just fixed it.
Brandon: Yup, she just fixed it.
Amanda: Then I was like, “Every NPC, gay.”
Eric: That’s exactly what happened.
[cheers]
Michael: That’s a good price to fix it. It’s a good price to fix it.
Eric: So yeah, my question is what do you think that you’ve learned either from your character or just from playing together, what do you think you’ve learned from running this podcast?
Amanda: Oh.
Brandon: Oh, that’s a deep and hard question.
Michael: You should have asked us beforehand to think about this question.
Amanda: That would have been very helpful.
Eric: Yeah, but I wanted like emotional-
Brandon: Prep your question and answers, that’s the first thing I learned. Um… I think for me though, actually though, like starting a podcast is one thing, and then starting a business venture with your friends is another thing, and really navigating that is very hard, and you really have to be- you really have to love the people that you play with and the people that you work with. And there’s gonna be rough patches and there’s gonna be amazing patches, and in a year you end up on a live show with a bunch of people watching you, so like it’s pretty amazing. So yeah. I love the people I work with.
Eric: Yay!
Amanda: Aww!
[applause, “aw”s from the audience]
Michael: Disgusting.
Eric: Alright, make it just as cute.
Amanda: I don't know, I think mine would be that ll of the times I have felt really silly, and really under qualified for something, and really worried that the thing I was saying was dumb… those are the moments that people tweet us about and say, “Hell yeah, I can’t believe Inara could not say a word because she was in front of like a cute older woman.” And that was like the moment that like- the decision I had to make in the moment.
But yeah, I had played D&D maybe two times before we started the podcast, then we recorded episode 1, so this has been an on mic, public learning experience in a really vulnerable way for me, and I wouldn’t have it any other way. And I’m gonna be playing D&D for the rest of my life, so I have all y’all to thank for that- my fellow players and DM, and also the folks that have listened and said that they see some of you in our characters, and I’m so grateful.
Eric: There you go.
[cheers]
Michael: Um, I really associate a lot with Johnny, not just in the dad way, and those of you who know me, I really- it’s just like I’m- it’s too obvious, Johnny as a character, but for me, the positivity and the Light thing was really- has been really important to me, like dealing with depression, dealing with, like becoming a happier, healthier person, and it’s been incredibly wonderful to be able to- to even in joking ways like talk about positivity and the Light, and then dealing also with the Shadow has- it’s been a really- I, you know, I love these guys so I’m not gonna say that because that’s obvious, but it’s been really powerful to be able to talk about, you know, positivity and light, because that’s something I’ve been striving for a lot of my life, and being able to share with others as well.
[cheers]
Brandon: Eric?!
Amanda: Eric?!
Brandon: ERIC?
Eric: Alright, that has been our live show!
Amanda: Noooo!
Eric: Okay, um, undertaking a massive creative project is such, like, a risk for yourself. Just like-it’s just kind of you staring at the blank page. And I know I’ve said this before, but it’s like I get to build something and then people get to walk- it’s like you’re building a sandcastle and then people actually get to be on the beach around the sandcastle- like, what’s the- a beach isn’t just for making sandcastles, it’s for like swimming, and for burying your friends, and sometimes you get sand in your sandwiches, but like-
Brandon: Like in a nice way, bury them in a nice way, guys.
[laughter]
Amanda: Consensually
Eric: Yeah, you’re doing dumb stuff on the beach, and I am thankful that I have both you three and also all of the- all of you in the audience and everyone listening. You just have like people to bounce things on and you know that it’s gonna be… actually I don’t even know if it’s going to be received. I can hope that it was gonna be received, and it was a little bit more hope than I just had with just the blank page staring with it.
And I love all of the characters that I get to bring to all of you, and even if you hate the NPCs that I make, I love the fact that you’re just interacting with them and it just feels alive in a way that I just dont think I would ever have the opportunity to do.
It also got me the opportunity to just like do things just ‘cause. Like I get to make things that I think are funny, but I also get to make things that I think are important. I’m like, “Yeah there’s gonna be a massive wedding and it’s gonna be two doofuses who happen to be dudes are getting married to each other and they’re teenagers.” And just like, I can just do that because that’s a better world than sometimes the one that we’re in currently. And it’s nice being able to escape even for a little while. And I have everybody here to thank for that. So thank you.
[cheers, applause]
Amanda: This has been the Afterparty. Thank you so, so much for coming to our live show. And we love you. Thank you so much.
Brandon: Yeah, we love you guys!
[cheers]
[theme song]