What do you call an ersatz treasure? What do you call an ersatz treasure? What do you call an ersatz treasure stickin’ to an angler?
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Cast & Crew
- Game Master, Co-Producer: Eric Silver
- Co-Host (Umbi), Co-Producer, Sound Designer, Composer: Brandon Grugle
- Co-Host (Chamomile Cassis), Co-Producer: Julia Schifini
- Co-Host (Troy Riptide), Co-Producer: Amanda McLoughlin
- Theme Song: Lyrics by Eric Silver, music by Brandon Grugle. Vocals by Brandon Grugle, Lauren Shippen, Julia Schifini, Roux Bedrosian, Eric Silver, Tyler Silver, and Amanda McLoughlin. Available for purchase here.
- Artwork: Allyson Wakeman
- Multitude: multitude.productions
About Us
Join the Party is an actual play podcast with tangible worlds, genre-pushing storytelling, and collaborators who make each other laugh each week. We welcome everyone to the table, from longtime players to folks who’ve never touched a roleplaying game before. Hop into our current campaign, a pirate story set in a world of plant- and bug-folk, or marathon our completed stories with the Camp-Paign, a MOTW game set in a weird summer camp, Campaign 2 for a modern superhero game, and Campaign 1 for a high fantasy story. And once a month we release the Afterparty, where we answer your questions about the show and how we play the game. New episodes every Tuesday.
Transcript
Eric: I remember a time before the Cascade dried up. Here in Verda Stello, the four nations of plants and bug people flourished and thrived. But the great waterfall that fed the land slowed to a trickle, revealing a vast Salt Sea and unknown islands. The only guide were the words of the 13 Dried Carvings. “The water will slow to fall, but the tides are turning. Find the Infinite Lake to replenish the world and discover the Salmon who will grant you a wish of whatever you desire.” This marks the beginning of the tide, as many Greenfolk hauled onto ships to find the Infinite Lake and maybe riches, adventure, excitement, and purpose along the way. And what exactly is a Salmon? Is that a berry? That was 50 years ago, and the Tide rushes forward ever still. There are many stories caught on the wind between sails but why don't we hear just one? Of a butterfly gunman with clipped wings, a ripened and explosive piece of produce, and a witch made out of tea. This is Join the Party Campaign 3, The Rising Tide!
[theme]
Amanda: Last time on Join the Party. Our pirate crew took on the challenge of the Sea Devil, a booby-trapped climb up a cliffside. Think incredibly dangerous AggroCrag. It was only made harder by Hondo's lack of help and the seemingly extra challenge of Greenfolk zombies attacking in the middle. But they scrambled to the top of the cliff and were greeted by a glowing treasure chest filled with Ambergris, a substance that can be rendered into the valuable pirate currency of Amber. Unfortunately, the treasure of Esca Island wasn't a treasure at all because it's the glowing dangly thing of a massive angler fish covered in barnacles, and also the townspeople are of course cultists who worship it. Oops. How are they going to get out of this one, folks? Let's get the party started.
Amanda: Makes me feel pretty fucked up for eating salmon this morning.
[Brandon laughs]
Julia: For breakfast? I love that.
Brandon: I mean in a sense it did grant your wish, you know ,of satiating your hunger.
Amanda: Yeah, filling my tum.
Brandon: Yeah.
Eric: You will want to get started?
Julia: Yeah.
Eric: Yeah. I've been thinking so much about world-building because I was just doing Exolore. So it looks like all I want to do I'm like, hey, do you guys want to talk about like the government system of—of Open Fields–
Julia: Yeah.
Eric: —instead? We just do that for an entire episode.
Julia: We just do like a flashback episode for Cammie.
Eric: Yeah.
Julia: And that's all we talk about.
Eric: Yeah, that was it.
Amanda: I am in favor of bottle episodes of this campaign, that's a great idea.
Julia: Yeah.
Eric: Yeah. And the bottle episode is just us talking, much like the prequels of Star Wars. Us just talking about government.
Brandon: Hell yeah.
Julia: I really think that trade embargoes are a really key asset to understanding this universe, that's all I'm saying.
Amanda: Yeah, Troy has a lot of thoughts about Feudalism.
Brandon: I don't know if you are insulting the prequels, Eric, but I'm incensed either way.
Eric: Brandon, I actually didn't tell you this about Overstalk, but one of the aldermen is Jar Jar Binks.
Brandon: Ohhh, yes!
Eric: Yeah, we're gonna go to an Aldermen mee— a meeting of all of the Aldermen of Overstalk, and someone is just like
Eric (as Jar Jar Binks): Meesa thinks we should grow higher.
Brandon: I was gonna say I was waiting—I was excited for you to do the voice and that you did it, so.
Amanda: Yeah.
Julia: Didn't even have to prompt it.
Eric: I didn't even say it. This is high pitch and I said meesa I don't know what you're talking about.
Julia: That's was it!
Eric: That was better than what Jar Jar Binks actually does. So our three lovable scampy, beat up, rough and tumble, bad news bears, pirates. That's the three of you.
Julia: Ohh.
Brandon: Wee.
Eric: I don't know if you know, that's you. It seems like you three are stuck between a rock and a hard place. Or more specifically, between a monster and a cult place.
[Brandon laughs]
Julia: Okay, interesting.
Eric: Looming behind you snapping its jagged, out of place, just weird, terrible needle teeth, pointing in all directions and bobbing its lights. A trea— a treasure chest glowing and sloshing with Ambergris is the Sea Devil floating menacingly and as close as possible to the three of you. You can smell like, you know, just finding a body wrapped up with seaweed. It's like Cold Case Files or Rizzoli and Isles, or one of those shows that Amanda watches. [Amanda laughs] You could smell that just briny death on its breath, and you can't get too close as the barnacles is stuck to its bottom, might slash your entire arm open. On the cultist side, Hondo and the rest of the cultists from the island of Esca, in their dark blue robes, take another menacing step towards you.
Brandon: Eric, it is cute though.
Eric: What?
Brandon: The Sea Monster?
Julia: The big sea–
Eric: The Sea Devil?
Julia: The big Sea Devil, yeah.
Brandon: Yeah, it's cute.
Julia: It's cute, Eric.
Eric: No, it's like a jumpscare, Brandon.
Julia: I don't know, it sounds really cute.
Brandon: I—Eric, I get that it's scary and dangerous to that character. But for Brando is like, it's like a little guy though?
Eric: No, it's not a little guy. No! [Everyone laughs] It is what— it is like a game you get on Steam for $10. We're like, this is a game where a trail—a haunted evil train runs after you. It's like that, but it's an angler fish covered in barnacles.
Amanda: It’s real Elden Ring does the deep sea.
Eric: Yeah, it's gross and bad.
Brandon: Okay, I got it. So not a little guy?
Eric: No. The tomato—the tomato bartender from earlier who now wants to kill you, he's still a cute little guy.
Julia: Yeah, but he sucks.
Amanda: Okay.
Julia: So—
Brandon: I'll focus on him then.
Eric: Yeah. The cultists take a menacing step forward, Hondo says–
Eric (as Hondo): You know, for pirates who just so happened to be an infinite repository of exploding things. A magician—a tea magician, and the greatest crossbow sho—shooter in all of Verda Stello–
Amanda (as Troy): Oh, thanks.
Eric (as Hondo): You sure– I sure thought you were going to be more intimidating. I thought you'd be better at the whole challenge. Yeah, but it seems like– is this all—it's all sizzle, no plant steak?
Julia (as Cammie): Umbi, are you a magician now? I didn't know that.
Brandon (as Umbi): I've always been a magician.
Julia (as Cammie): Ohh, fascinating.
Brandon (as Umbi): Yeah.
Amanda (as Troy): I know I say I’m the greatest, but it’s still like really nice when people say to me, you know?
Brandon (as Umbi): You are the greatest, it's obvious.
Amanda (as Troy): Oh, thanks, man.
Brandon (as Umbi): Have you seen you shoot?
Amanda (as Troy): I know, I keep saying that.
Julia (as Cammie): It's very impressive.
Eric (as Hondo): I've been tracking—I've been looking at the three of you since you walked onto this island, we all have. The Order of the Sea Devil does a full evaluation of the people who come on shore. And we decide oh, they're just some bumbling idiots that we can feed to our—that we can feed to the Sea Devil, or uh-oh, they're terrible pirates that we should not mess with. But it— you—you three are just riding the line from one to another. Are they go—are they chum? Are they scary? Are they chum? Are they scary? Shoots a sungull out in the sky, scary. She— does tea, does– makes all of my teapots move around, scary. Crushed by—crushed by bodies falling— falling down on top of them. Chum! Throwing bombs that don't explode, except hitting them in the face. Chum! Really coming up both sides. So I'm not sure, it was very hard for the Order of the Sea Devil to decide what to do with the three of you, but we've decided your chum.
Amanda (as Troy): Sure. But in the way that like chum goes in the water to like bring in bigger prey, what if you let us leave with the Ambergris we earned, and we don't tell all of our pirate friends that this is a fucking trap?
Brandon (as Umbi): Mm-hmm.
Amanda (as Troy): Huh?
Brandon (as Umbi): Yeah.
Amanda (as Troy): You get to bring in more—more challengers and we get to not tell people this entire island should be marked as a do not go.
Brandon (as Umbi): Yeah. Maybe— maybe, maybe people we don't like, we just send this way occasionally you know?
Amanda (as Troy): Yeah. Marks.
Julia (as Cammie): I—I like most people, but that doesn't sound like a bad plan.
Amanda (as Troy): See, even Cammie thinks so.
Eric (as Jammy): That's some of the most reasoned, compromising pirate to cult relations that we ever seen here on– here ever on Esca.
Julia (as Cammie): And it's definitely gonna work.
Eric (as Hondo): Ketchy, you are not the head of the cu— you are not the head of the Order of the Sea Devils. We had a vote recently. I'm sorry you lost, it's Hondo's time!
Brandon (as Umbi): You're democratic cult?
Eric (as Hondo): Well, you kind of when you just throw—it's not that we do votes, it's that we throw—well what you mean votes, we throw in body parts, and our ballot box is the Sea Devil.
Brandon (as Umbi): Huh?
Julia (as Cammie): That doesn't seem really fair to me. And I think that maybe you should examine the way that you hold your elections.
Brandon (as Umbi): Yeah.
Julia (as Umbi): And I think now's a great time to really consider that. Reconsidering is important.
Amanda: Yeah. Yeah.
Brandon (as Umbi): I agree.
Julia (as Umbi): Re—reexamining situations, very important.
Amanda (as Troy): You're all dressed up, you're all up here, this guy's here.
Amanda: Troy points behind him to the savage angler fish.
Amanda (as Troy): So let us get the Ambergris that we earned. And if you think about it, people struggling at your task, definitely the most entertaining option. And if you're here for entertainment, we know we provided, but we came into this making a deal. We survived the stupid challenge with more risks to us than anyone told us would be there.
Eric (as Cultist): It wasn't stupid, our aod told us that.
Amanda (as Troy): Sure. And your aod put zombies there that no one told us about, so I think it's time for us to go.
Eric (as Jammy): What—what zombies were you talking about?
Julia (as Cammie): Oh, the zombies?
Julia: Then Cammie points at the sunflower that's still on the ground right beside them.
Julia (as Julia): Hondo saw them.
Amanda (as Troy): Yeah, there's three of them.
Brandon (as Umbi): Are they not with you?
Eric: The Sunflower zombie puts one arm on the ground and starts to push itself up. And look over it, all of you the cult—the whole thing and goes [zombie grunts]
Amanda: Can Troy shoot it?
Eric: Yeah, you could shoot it.
Amanda: Alright. 23 to hit.
Eric: Yeah, that hits.
Amanda: Yeah.
Eric: The zombie’s down. What have you–how do you shoot it?
Amanda: Great. Yeah, Troy pierces it through like the top petal on the sunflower array, pinning it to the ground.
Julia: Beautiful.
Eric: Just pulling it back.
Amanda: Yep.
Eric: Fully pinning it down.
Amanda: Yeah, the bolt arced in the beautiful little parabola. And just like boink, just pinned it to the ground, like it's an index card on a bulletin board.
Eric: A physics visualizer, teaching you how—teaching you how force works.
Brandon: Incredible.
Eric: Do you want to say anything cool?
Amanda: Do I want to say anything cool?
Julia: Always, always baby.
Amanda: I do.
Eric: In every opportunity.
Brandon: I'll just do a little dance here, while Amanda's thinking.
Amanda: Yes.
Brandon: Dadadadatda yattatatata!
Amanda: Troy is gonna make eye contact with Hondo, and then blow smoke off the tip of his crossbow like it's a revolver.
Julia: Why is it smoking? What's wrong with it?
Eric: Oh my god, do a—
Julia: Umbi like made it so that every time you fire a bolt–
Amanda: Yeah, yeah, yeah. There's just a little bit of mag—magnesium on all of our stuff just from the ship.
Julia: Yeah.
Eric: Yeah. Wa—that's so funny. Yeah. Why don't you do an intimidation roll for me?
Julia: That's hot. Hey, Amanda. That's hot.
Amanda: Thanks. I did roll a Natural 1 though unfortunately.
Julia: Hmmm. Okay.
Amanda: Troy cuts his lip on his crossbow.
Julia: Oh, buddy.
Amanda (as Troy): Aw. Fuck. See, entertaining? Isn't that more entertaining than if I made the shot or if I didn't make the shot? I make the shot, then I do something embarrassing. You're welcome.
Eric (as Hondo): We're not looking for entertainment. We're looking to feed the God that keeps us safe during the great pirate era.
Eric: No, I can't say Great Pirate Era.
Eric (as Hondo): We're looking to see—
Julia: It's not One Piece, Eric. God damn it.
Eric: No, it’s not One Piece.
Amanda: Eric, could you just call them unprecedented times? Is that okay?
Eric: Yes.
Julia: Fuck.
Eric (as Hondo): We're not looking for entertainment. We're looking for se— for– to feed the God that protects us during unprecedented times!
Amanda (as Troy): Feed him those sungulls, I'll hit a bunch for you. Make a little kebab.
Brando (as Umbi): It's be—it's been 50 years, it's not unprecedented. Now it's precedented.
Julia (as Cammie): Yeah. I was— I was gonna say that Umbi, but you've been around longer, and I think that—
Brandon (as Umbi): That's true.
Julia (as Cammie):— you are the wisest among us.
Brandon (as Umbi): I—am I older than you?
Julia (as Cammie): I have no idea how old you are.
Brandon (as Umbi): Yeah, that's a good point.
Amanda (as Troy): I don’t have any idea how old you are. I'm not gonna ask though. I was told that was impolite.
Julia: Cammie just goes–
Julia (as Cammie): Okay.
Julia: And then just like turns back to Hondo.
Eric (as Jammy): I think we should have a cult meeting. I think we need to discuss this as a deific democracy.
Julia (as Cammie): I agree.
Amanda (as Troy): Awesome. Well, let's get some Ambergris then. Tell big—tell big guy over there not to snap at us. We'll be on our way.
Eric (as Hondo): No, you can't– do not. The Sea Devil is going to watch you while we talk about what we're—what we'll be talking about what we're gonna do next, okay? The chum is that the people making the decisions, alright? It has been stressful watching you and this whole situation with you. And making—the making– I'm still rattled by you making my cups move earlier today. I didn't have my morning tr– my mo— I didn't have my usual morning– How did—you were kept up by the sungull— weren’t the three of you kept up by sungulls all night? How am I stressed? How did I not sleep well?
Brandon (as Umbi): Hondo, Hondo. I didn't want to give this to you, but it's been like 20 minutes. Chumbi!
Julia (as Cammie): Ohhh.
Brandon (as Umbi): Chumbi is what you were looking for.
Julia (as Cammie): Oh! Umbi, I love that.
Amanda (as Troy): That's really cool, man.
Eric (as someone from the cult): Cult of the de—cult of the Sea Devil Order meet– meet up!
Eric: I think the cult kind of huddles up while still trying to box you in. I think I kind of like this altar area which all of you are standing in the ruins of the— of the Sea Devils Temple. And the Sea Devil is once again still just leering there and snapping at you and waiting for the moment where it's allowed to chum you up. With Chumbi, Chami, and Chum, Rip-chum.
Julia: Crush it, nailed it. I don't know, I have no notes.
Brandon: Nailed it.
Eric: There's also quite a lot of the cultists, I think now that you see all of them gathered together. There's like as many able-bodied people as there were in the bar, all of them are in the cult.
Amanda: Wow.
Eric: They're all here.
Julia: Sure, make sense.
Eric: You're like, oh, I recognize that tall guy from before. And he’s just like in a robe that just hits him at the calves. There was like a grapes guy who's a real just big bunch of grapes. And needed– just needs a big— a big robe. So you recognize all of them. Hondo is, still as the Stickbug, is still like looming over all them and moving, which way and that way trying to regain power over this meeting.
Brandon: What about the blueberry Billy Joelle?
Julia: Is he here?
Brandon: Is he— is he—
Julia: Has he betrayed us?
Brandon: Is he a cultist too?
Eric: Oh, yeah, the blueberry—the blueberry Billy Joelle is there. Yeah.
Julia: Damn.
Brandon: Oh, man. Okay.
Amanda: Now guys, I've shit wisdom. Could someone else do like perception on the angler fish? I'm curious if there’s anything–
Julia: I'd love to.
Amanda: Yeah.
Eric: Perception, I would say that would be about the area.
Amanda: I'm curious what the anglerfish wants or needs.
Eric: Oh, the anglerfish? I would say either Nature or Religion.
Julia: Okay, well, I can do Nature, that's pretty high. It really doesn't matter all that much because I did roll a Nat 20. So it will be a 23 with Nature, is that cool?
Eric: Yeah, sure. Do—what do you want to know? I think you can ask me some questions.
Julia: I want to know what it would take for this angler fish to turn on its worshipers.
Eric: Interesting.
Amanda: Excellent.
Eric: Great question. Here's something interesting. As the cult is clumped up, you see falling out of the robe pocket, because robes should have pockets, you can't really keep anything in there.
Julia: Depends on how deep they are. I agree.
Eric: I mean, but like they're slouchy, they don't keep things well.
Julia: Oh yeah.
Eric: Especially this one—
Amanda: Drags the whole robe down. Yeah.
Eric: Yeah, it tipped out of the top if it’s large because this is kind of like a large pamphlet.
Julia: It's a pamphlet?
Eric: Like a very long pamphlet. It's kind of like a long—
Julia: Like a treatise.
Eric: Listen, we’re—I don't really—yeah, more like a treatise, a more like a broadside from 17th century if we're talking about like, the way that the American colonists like talked about life, liberty, and the pursuit, like the things that they made they together.
Julia: It’s Thomas Paine’s Common Sense. I got you, Eric, I’m here.
Eric: Yeah, like it's really big, but it's put together like garbage. Because again, we have the printing press but do we have good binding here? No, we don't.
Amanda: The kind of paper that says I was a tree very recently.
Eric: Yeah.
Julia: Okay.
Brandon: It's still moving a little bit.
Eric: Brandon say–
Amanda: Ow, I scraped myself.
Julia: Yeah.
Eric: Yeah, well that— it's different here when you bind something in human skin, it's different. You bind it with a Greenfolk, it's different. That's what the Necronomicon is like here. So like a—it's like a big pamphlet falls out of the robe of Billy Joelle, as he's—as he's coming up to the cult. And you pick it up, and in big letters, again, much like Thomas Paine, in big letters, it says, “Dr. Radish Radish's Way of Protecting Yourself in These Unprecedented Times: Using the Arcane, the Religiosity, and the Unexpected to Help: For Good, Smart, Kind and Nice Citizens in the Great Salt Sea”
Julia: Okay.
Brandon: I don't want to judge this person's writing ability, but that's a little bit of a chunky title. Maybe we should workshop it with them, you think?
Eric: Well, it fills up the entire front of the broadside in like big blocky letters.
Amanda (as Troy): Cammie, what's in there?
Julia: And Cammie goes.
Julia (as Cammie): Oh, literature.
Julia: I think they're just gonna flip through it real quick, just to see what's up.
Eric: Yeah, so Dr. Radish Radish seems to be a Doctor of Medicine, Religiosity and, [Amanda laughs] and general self-awareness and self survivalness.
Brandon: Same.
Julia: Okay.
Brandon: Me too.
Eric: Who has printed up this broadside to give good citizens, who are not pirates, ways to defend themselves from pirates during the—
Julia: The pirate times!
Eric: During the times.
Julia: During the unprecedented times.
Eric: During unprecedented pirate times, right.
Amanda: Damn.
Eric: And then there— it's kind of just like a real—
Amanda: Unprecedented tides anyone?
Brandon: Oh!
[slow clap]
Eric: During unprecedented tides.
Julia: Gi—give your wife a joken, Eric.
Eric: I’m putting it in the world, Julia! I’m saying it next! During unprecedented tides, here's a joken, there you go.
Amanda: Oh, thanks, honey.
Julia: There we go. [makes coin dropping noise]
Eric: Yeah. If there seems to be a– just a real grab bag of like essays, on like morality and like making sure you never get tricked by pirates. But there's also some more practical stuff like sleeping with one eye open and controlling like monsters and beasts, and like demigods or—or religious figures to do what you—to do what you want. And there's one other concrete stuff in there. You also see that there's like an appendix in the back. It seems to be like, you know, IKEA-ish, showing you like, how to build a sanctuary in one. And then there's another of like some hand signals. It's like “every citizen's best way to protect themselves is through knowing a little bit of power to go a long way.” And then just like some like hand signals, I guess, like, you know, if you can imagine reading something to teach you how to do like cat's cradle, or like American Sign Language, it's kind of like move your hands like this and do this, and step one, step two. So there's some of that in the back of the appendix.
Julia: Great.
Eric: Umbi.
Brandon: Hmm?
Eric: I want you to roll a History Check.
Julia: Come on, Brandon. Let's go, Brandon. Oh, oh, oh, yeah.
Amanda: It’s a Nat 1 face isn’t it. Yeah.
Julia: Re—really guys, we've rolled like three times on this episode so far. Two Nat 1s
Eric: I’m deeply surprised.
Brandon: It's a Nat 1.
Eric: How are you rolling so much Nat 1 and Nat 20s? I need to check all of your dice. Jesus Christ.
Julia: These are the ones that I got from Fanroll, baby.
Brandon: I know, we need to talk to Fanroll.
Amanda: We need to maybe manufacture some dice that are specific to this campaign and may or may not have something to do with the Great Salt Sea, to perhaps just bring some pirate juju to this campaign.
Brandon: Maybe.
Amanda: Just an idea.
Julia: Who can say?
Eric: Hey, Umbi?
Brandon: Hmm?
Eric: You've had a long life. [Julia laughs] You've done a lot of stuff. You've dabbled.
Brandon: I’ve dabbled.
Eric: You have plenty of jobs.
Brandon: Yeah.
Julia: That's it, end of statement.
Eric: Are you Dr. Radish Radish, did you publish this?
Brandon (as Umbi): Did I write this?
[Amanda laughs]
Eric: There's a moment that flashes through you, where you can't remember if you had published this at some point, during– in the beginning of the Cascade emergency, where no one knew what to do, and immediately everyone started being pirates. Did you write this?
Brandon (as Umbi): Cammie, is there an author photo on the back?
Julia: Flip, flip, flip, flip, flip.
Eric: All the way on the back there is a long bio of Dr. Radish Radish and the various doctorates that Dr. Radish Radish has.
Julia: Writi—writing down Umbi is Dr. Radish Radish, one second.
Eric: There is a illustration of a Greenfolk figure, without like any sort of like, I'm not—
Amanda: I'm gonna say, what's like the generic silhouette of a Greenfolk?
Eric: Yeah, like a generic silhouette of a Greenfolk figure. I think like maybe there's like some protrusions, like oh, maybe that's a leaf like is it a leaf? Is it the sha—is it the bulge of produce? Is it a petal from a flower? Is it a shell of a beetle? There's like some protrusion I think on like, somewhere on the regular hum—on maybe a straightforward humanoid, generic humanoid outline. But it's hard to see because it's an illustration of a generic Greenfolk figure standing at the top of a mountain, with your arms out wide from very far away.
[Julia laughs]
Amanda: Ohh.
Julia (as Cammie): I can see the resemblance.
Brandon (as Umbi): That could be me. I don't know.
Julia (as Cammie): It could be you.
Amanda (as Troy): Okay, I mean, do you know how to like control a demigod sea creature to like, get it to eat its followers?
Brandon (as Umbi): Not at all, no.
Amanda (as Troy): Because if it's– umm.
Brandon (as Umbi): No.
Amanda (as Troy): Oh, alright, well. Cami doesn't say anything about that, cause like we should just do whatever.
Julia (as Cammie): Hey, there's a bunch of hand signals in the back of this. I'm gonna try one.
Julia: And then Cammie just starts like doing one of the things there in the back.
Eric: Incredible. Cammie, give me an Arcana check with advantage.
Amanda: Yeah.
Julia: Oh, fuck yeah, bro. Let me see what my Arcana is. It's good. I rolled a 14 twice.
Eric: Okay.
Julia: So that is 17.
Eric: Oh, 17. Alright, yeah, yeah, yeah. Cammie, you do this hand– you follow the hand signals.
Julia: I sign.
Eric: So you sign, sign the hand signals. What does it look like when Cammie uses her magic?
Julia: The way I described it in the last episode is kind of Disneyfied. And that's like, specifically the tea magic, but again, I think it's the idea of these kinds of like wisps of steam coming out of a teacup, but coming off of Cammie's hands as she uses them. And a little bit of sparkle in the air like, when you see kind of dust motes in sunlight during like the late afternoon, like golden hour. That's the way I would describe Cammie's magic.
Amanda: Ohh.
Eric: Sure. Sure. That's cool. I want to say that this looks totally different than your magic. I think that like, it keeps the same golden hour color as you do the hand signals, but it's all just kind of localized around your hands. I think also like on the tip of your fingers. And as you move it around, you see that some of that gold light is in the water around the Sea Devil.
Julia: Okay.
Eric: And the Sea Devil starts to elevate with like a golden pool of water surrounding it. Cammie, these are hand signals for Shape Water, which as you flip through for a section about sea beasts and controlling them to do what you want, you can just use Shape Water, this—this magic to move the sea beast around, to help it move from one place to another, to facilitate it eating of things or people, and to kind of just get it—get it up to places where there's dust to help it clean.
Julia (as Cammie): That's adorable. I love this.
Amanda (as Troy): Cammie, you're doing it, that looks awesome.
Julia: So right now they have us kind of circled is the way you described it?
Eric: You're kind of— you're definitely pushed back, they're still arguing with each other. I think also you look over and you see that Hondo because he's so tall, is like gesturing with his own one of these broadsides, so Hondo is holding one of them too.
Julia: Hmm.
Amanda (as Troy): Over the cliff or on top of the crowd, what do you think?
Julia: I think we're going to—
Julia (as Cammie): I don't want to hurt a beautiful beast. You know, like this—this thing is innocent in— in, in a lot of ways.
[Eric makes terrifying noises as the Sea Devil]
Julia (as Cammie): Look at it, it's magnificent.
Eric: The Ambergris splashes over you and stains Troy's shirt.
Julia: Cammie holds up a tea cup–
Amanda: And Troy's trying to catch it in a kettle.
Brandon (as Umbi): He's just a little guy.
Amanda (as Troy): Actually, Cammie, tilt it a little bit.
Amanda: And then Troy holds up two of Umbi’s jars.
Julia: Cammie just tilts it 45 degrees.
Eric: Give me another Arcana check.
Julia: Sure.
Eric: Umbi or Troy, if there's anything you want to do, either to make this go better or to not attract attention, you can roll that as well.
Brandon: I'll roll Arcana just to help Cammie, is that the thing we can do?
Eric: If you're—if you want to read the pamphlet as well?
Brandon: Yeah, just kind of giving backup support.
Amanda: Yeah, I have Athletics and Acrobatics, so I can just try to like, you know, if anyone starts to notice, I could try to like throw my body in their sight line.
Eric: How would you throw it— How would you do something secret– I think I would have to do a Stealth roll, in that you are enacting a stealthy situation, And yeah, Umbi you can do it Arcana as well. Because you figured out that you just need to do the hand signals. Yeah.
Brandon: Cool. I got a 7 + 4 for an 11. So—
Eric: Okay.
Brandon: —not bad, but not good.
Amanda: Oh, I got 22 Stealth.
Eric: Okay. Nice.
Julia: Fuck yeah. And I roll the 22 for Arcana, so.
Eric: Hell yeah, yeah. Although Umbi has arthritis and can't do the hand motions as well.
Julian (as Cammie): That's alright, Umbi.
Eric: Two people doing the hand motions at the same time made it easier. So I think you're able to tip—tip the anglerfish over. And yeah, Troy, you can—what is it like for you to stealthily use the jars?
Amanda: Troy is like whistling and kind of like kicking a rock with his boot, and like looking around and being like–
Amanda (as Troy): Yeah, nice—nice day, isn't it?
Amanda: And behind his back, he is using two of Umbi’s like empty beakers to catch the ambergris, and then popping corks on them and stuffing them in the top of his quiver, so he can hide in there among the bolts.
Eric: Hell yeah. I would say that that is enough Ambergris to eventually turn into Amber later.
Julia: Yeaaah!
Eric: You have enough for one amber.
Amanda: Yay!
Julia: We did it.
Eric: Hell yeah. Okay, so while that’s happening, you're tipping—tipping the—like getting the little bit of juice out of the bottom of the pitcher.
Amanda: Yeah.
Eric: Hondo says–
Eric (as Hondo): Are those—that was a very spirited discussion, now as we—as we do at every single meeting, we put our hands in the middle and we say Order of the Sea Devil on three. Okay. 1-2-3.
Eric (Cultists): Order—Order of the Sea Devil.
Amanda (as Troy): Cammie go.
Julia: Yeah, so Cammie is now going to do two things. Cammie is going to cast Eldritch Orb very quickly.
Eric: Okay.
Julia: Which way do we want to make our escape y'all? Because I don't think we want to go back down the cliff, that seems like a bad idea.
Brandon: Well, I can do it because I have slow fall, but I don't know what y'all can do.
Julia: The rest of us do not have them.
Brandon: I also have a smoke bomb I can throw to give us some cover.
Julia: That would be helpful. I think maybe then Cammie is going to like give you some sort of signal, Umbi, and be like–
Julia (as Cammie): Smoke now.
Julia: What—what’s a smokey tea, Brandon? That could be our code word.
Brandon: Oh, like a—
Julia: Ohh, lapsang, yeah, let's do that.
Brandon: Yeah, that's what I was thinking of, yeah.
Julia: Cammie looks at Umbi and goes–
Julia (as Cammie): Lapsang!
Amanda: Nice.
Brandon (as Umbi): What?
Julia (as Cammie): Lapsang?
Brandon (as Umbi): Oh, no. Okay, sorry. I understood you, it's just my insides are all mush.
Julia (as Cammie): Understandable.
Brandon (as Umbi): Yeah.
Julia (as Cammie): Okay.
Amanda: Just three big seeds floating in mush.
Julia: You're so ripe. Please, someone, pick this lad.
Amanda: Freeze him.
Julia: Yeah.
Amanda (as Troy): Yeah, I'll cover us. I'll cover us.
Julia: Great.
Brandon: Yeah, so I'm going to pull out a bomb and throw it down, and make it a smoke bomb.
Eric: Cool. What does smoke bomb do?
Julia: Explain it.
Brandon: By removing my bomb's explosive contents, I can change it into a smoke bomb. It deals no damage, but fills a 10-foot radius sphere with smoke. It spreads around corners and its area is heavily obscured. It lasts for a number of rounds equal to my intelligence modifier, which is 2.
Eric: Great.
Amanda: Nice.
Brandon: Or until a wind of moderate or greater speed disperses it. And I can't throw another one for one minute.
Eric: Oh, it's so weird, it just gets really windy all of a sudden. No, I'm kidding.
Brandon: Has to be 10 miles an hour or more Eric!
Eric: Oh, no, it was 9 miles. Okay. No, you do it. Okay, so two rounds. That's ten seconds-ish, that's certainly enough time. Yeah.
Amanda: And if they're already clustered up to do a handshake, if the bomb goes right in the middle, then hopefully it obscures the whole group's vision, right?
Julia: Yes. Okay, hold on. Let me retcon something really quick. Cammie is going to float the Sea Devil over the group.
Eric: Sure
Julia: Say, lapsang. And then we're going to all— like Cammie will just like stop the hand gesture, it'll drop, grab the other two and we're going to run.
Brandon: I'm down.
Amanda: Yup, and Troy will go last, running backwards so he can shoot anyone who comes at them.
Eric: Oh my god, incredible. Okay, let's do a Dexterity challenge to see if this all happens, if you can all do this before they turn around. Why don't all three of you give me Dexterity rolls, and you're gonna go, and the average is gonna go against the average of all the cultists.
Julia: Oh thank God. Okay, it's a 17 - 1 for a 16.
Eric: 16.
Amanda: 15 + 2 for a 17.
Brandon: 14 + 2 for 16.
Amanda: Nice.
Eric: Nice.
Julia: Squad, incredible check.
Amanda: Look at us.
Brandon: Squad!
Julia: Look at us go.
Amanda: We just need some cartoonish hijinks.
Julia: We did so bad on that cliff challenge, but we're really good at cartoonish hijinks.
Amanda: Yeah.
Eric: Incredible. Alright, I love the idea— like the idea they go break, and then you—they look up, and the Sea Devil drops on top of them. And they go–
Eric (as Hondo): Oh, my face! I got slashed by barnacles.
Eric: While a smoke bomb explodes, and the three of you book it out of there. Incredible. Okay, you're running away from the Temple of the Sea Devil, which way do you go? So you can go either off the cliff, which is kind of on the other side of the pool, that is the fast way to get to the Sea Whip. Or you can take the long way back through the woods to the town, and then go down to the docks and go to the Sea Whip the regular way.
Brandon: Would there be any advantage for me to jump down off the cliff and get to the boat first and like sail it– Can I sail like closer? Or is it kind of just half dozen one way and whatever the—whatever that saying is the other way?
Eric: The advantage you would get is that you get to the ship fast.
Brandon: Okay. I think we just go the long way though.
Amanda: If everyone's here, let's just go the long way.
Julia: Yeah, that's fine.
Eric: Okay.
Julia: You did say everyone in town was here, so I feel confident about that.
Amanda: Yeah.
Eric: That's true, I did say that.
Brandon: You did.
Julia: You might have lied to me, so, I don’t know.
Amanda: You might have lied. You love to lie.
Brandon: Is there other zombies along the way? Is that what’s gonna happen?
Julia: He's on his heel turn guys, you got to remember that.
Brandon: He had the glove on? You have the fucking glove.
Eric: It's right here.
Julia: The fucking glove’s right there.
Eric: They're here.
Amanda: It's always next to him.
Eric: Yeah, the three of you run as fast as you can, back the way that you came. You notice from when a– when Hondo took the stairs around the challenge and through the woods. So next to the Big Basin, so you can hustle down that way.
Julia: Okay.
Eric: I would love it if all three of you made perception checks up.
Julia: I would love to do that for you.
[dice roll]
Julia: Not good.
Brandon: Not good either.
Amanda: 13
Julia: Nat 1!
Brandon: Ohh, Okay, not that bad. I got a 7 total.
Eric: Hey, Cammie, make a Dexterity Saving Throw.
Amanda: Oh no.
Julia: No, don't make me do that. [dice roll] Uhh, 15.
Eric: Right. You're—as you are a hauling ass down the stairs next to the challenge, Cammie, you almost slip and fall onto those big spikes that are still activated.
Julia: Again?
Eric: Luckily you don't, but you could have.
Julia: I could have.
Eric: There should be railings.
Julia (as Cammie): There shou—really, a safety officer should come by here and give some thorough feedback because I do have some notes.
Eric: That's fair. That's fair. Yeah, you haul ass through there, hustle through the woods. You're now in town. Well, I did say that before it does not seem that anyone is around.
Amanda: Any shit I can steal?
Eric: That's not up to me, pirate. What do you—what are you looking for?
Amanda: I'm looking for certainly any pieces of Amber, but also doublooms that might be around or just something useful for the ship you know, like some sick rations, some fun weapons, maybe cool coat. Whatever strikes Troy's eye.
Brandon: Are there any large chests that look like they're filled with treasures, Eric?
Amanda: Sure, yeah, yeah.
Eric: Sure, that’s a good point.
Julia: You know what Eric, Cammie has seen Troy with that gleam in his giant eyes before. [Amanda laughs] And Cammie is going to cast to Action on Troy.
Eric: Ohh.
Amanda: Ohh, what it does do?
Eric: What's that?
Julia: So choose a willing creature that you can see within range. During its next turn, the target gains an additional action. That action can be used only to take the attack, dash, disengage, hide or use object action.
Amanda: Ohhh.
Eric: Ohh, interesting.
Amanda: So I can—
Eric: Cool.
Amanda: —I can double-time it and pick up even more speed, dashing to steal something or not.
Julia: Absolutely.
Eric: I love it. You just pour some—some magic fairy dust right out of your teapot, just right onto Troy.
Julia (as Cammie): Find me something nice, Troy.
Amanda (as Troy): Thanks, Nonny.
Eric: Troy, you're gonna have to be more specific that you— you listed anything and possibly valuable. Here's some suggestions, if you're looking for food, there was a baker who—
Amanda: No, no, no, too easy, too easy.
Eric: Alright, there's no baker.
Amanda: I want a fun coat, I want cool shoes, or I want like a flashy but not particularly useful dagger.
Eric: It's a good point. I mean, you could just go back to Hondo's place. I mean, you are like in a new town, but you do know where Hondo's p— Hondo's from since you stayed there the night before.
Amanda: Is there—Is there like a wea— like a blacksmith or like a weapon store in town?
Eric: Um, let's see. Small town, huh? Let me roll on that.
[dice roll]
Brandon: Can I also– like I think Umbi is also taking part in this raiding party adventure. Can I just go to the fucking bar and steal the till?
Eric: That—hold on, that's a great idea. I rolled a 10, no, there's no blacksmith here. I feel like everyone kind of just brings their own shit and attacks people with sacred daggers—
Amanda: Sure, sure.
Eric: –that are crafted out of the teeth that fall out of the Sea Devil—
Julia: Ohh, one of those would be nice.
Eric: —but sure can go back to places that you remember, huh?
Amanda: Yeah.
Eric: That's an absolute great idea.
Amanda (as Troy): Oh man, there's no like cool knives or anything.
Eric: You look into windows, there’s no cool knives.
Amanda: Yeah.
Brandon (as Umbi): Let's just take for all they're worth.
Brandon: And then Umbi points towards the Sitting Spot.
Amanda (as Troy): Oh hell yeah. That’s where they'll spend their money, it's where they all hang out.
Brandon (as Umbi): Yeah.
Eric (as Esca Island Citizen): I sure hope no one takes the— my chair. When—because there's only the number of chairs is the number of people in this town.
Brandon (as Umbi): Why would I take a chair, I want money.
Eric: You can definitely go to the Sitting Spot.
Julia: Yeah.
Eric: Yeah.
Brandon: Julia, are you proud of me? I'm getting into the pirate mindset.
Eric: That's fair.
Amanda: Yeah, yeah.
Julia: I love that for you Brandon.
Amanda (as Troy): Umbi, Umbi, you grab the— you grab the money, I'll look at the lost and found.
Brandon (as Umbi): Oh, smart.
Eric: Incredible. Yeah, you run over—you run over to the Sitting Spot, doors locked.
Julia: Eldritch orb on the door.
Brandon: I was gonna say.
Brandon (as Umbi): There ain't never been a door that's been locked, that's been not unlocked by a bomb!
[Everyone laughs]
Julia: That's true. Eric, I rolled a nineteen on Eldritch orb to hit this door.
Eric: I mean, I kind of assumed yeah, the three of you have so many different ways to figure this shit out.
Brandon: Yeah.
Eric: Yeah you blo—
Amanda: We take turns, every morning we wake up we decide who the door opener is.
Eric: Yeah.
[theme]
Amanda: Hey, it's Amanda. I love nothing more than to try a lot of other things. One of the things I love the most is the feeling of getting into bed with all fresh sheets. And yesterday, even though I was very tired, I knew that it would make me feel so great, at the end of the day, if I put fresh sheets on the bed. And I did, and you know what, It was true. I felt so nice getting into bed and even nicer waking up and realizing that I had that magical experience of the first sleep on fresh sheets. So welcome to the mid-roll. It's like cool and warm at the same time, so good. Thank you so much to our newest patrons, Jordan and Jasmine, we so appreciate you joining the Patreon and we hope that you are enjoying the patron-only Discord, ad-free episodes at the $8 tier. By the way, if that's something that you don't know about or have forgotten about, and you don't particularly love sitting through these midrolls, you know what I forgive you because you can pay us $8 a month to skip the midrolls entirely. You also get of course the bi-weekly party planning audio and video podcast and hundreds of bonus materials from previous campaigns. All of that and more at patreon.com/jointhepartypod. We are so proud of the work that we are putting into campaign three. And if social media and our Discord are anything to go by I think you are too. So please, this is a great time to tell someone you know, tell a friend, tell your group chat, tell the private Discord or Facebook group that you spend your time in that hey, if you have been curious about trying Join the Party, or if you love anime, or if you love pirates, or if you love a she/they/teawitch, like gotta check this show out people. Send them to jointheparty pod.com/start that is a very pretty page all about our various campaigns. Or you can click the link in this description and every description of campaign three to go to the Verda Stello World page. That is a wonderful place to send people to jointheparty.com/verda-stello, but you can get the link again in the description. All about the world, our characters, the changes that Eric has made to D&D, and everything that we're doing with Mage Hand Press. The flags, the art, ohh it's so pretty. And it is a wonderful way to get people into the show. Listen, it's pretty nuts to me that we are more than five years into our journey as a show. And one of the very best ways to help keep us going and growing with and without money, like yes join the Patreon that's very important, please. But also, regardless of the money that you have to spend, getting one new listener into the show helps us so very much. We made that sea shanty video we've been telling you about it, it's on our socials. But if you have just one conversation, an email, a text, a discord message to a friend, and you're like hey, seriously, check it out. I will relisten and live text to the first episode with you. Send them to jointhepartypod.com/verda-stello. Thank you, we love you. As always Join the Party is one of many things happening over at Multitude, the collective that we are a part of, that I run as like my day job. And Pale Blue Pod is one of our newest member shows, it's one that we love. And it is of course an astronomy podcast for people who are overwhelmed by the universe but want to be its friend. Astrophysicist Dr. Moiya McTier and comedian Corinne Caputo demystify space, one topic at a time. We have open eyes and open arms, and just an attitude of like awe and humor and safety and learning that I think is so wonderful. It is truly one of my comfort listens, and I think it will be for you too. 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[theme]
Eric: I mean like we're in the inside of the bar, it's like someone put the piano on player piano mode, just playing Downeaster 'Alexa' by Billy Joelle, the blueberry.
Julia: Sure.
Eric: And then the door fucking burst in, and the door smashes the piano.
Brandon: Yeah, I love that.
Amanda: Ohh.
Eric: Yeah, you're back in the bar from before. Still sticky, but the chairs—
Brandon: Oh wait, Umbi needs to say the door bursts through and destroys the piano and says something like, Umbi walks in and says something like–
Brandon (as Umbi): They were taking our jobs anyway!
Brandon: Or something like that, you know? Something about old people and robots taking their jobs, you know, you know?
Eric: No, I think it's very funny.
Amanda: Okay, okay.
Eric: That's good.
Julia: Sure. sure.
Eric: Yeah, y'all are inside the bar. It doesn't seem like anyone— anyone's here. Once again, you're looking at the stuff behind the bar. There's kind of like that, there's like—again there's a big jug of sap for you to dunk —for you to dunk your drinks in.
Amanda: Yeah.
Eric: There’s a big wall of— of bottles and the tap from before.
Amanda: We must have practiced a classic smash-and-grab before. What's everyone's normal roles?
Julia: Oh, obviously. We're normal pirates.
Amanda: Yeah.
Julia: So like, I think Cammie goes watch always.
Brandon: Hmm, cool.
Julia: Because Cammie—Cammie feels a little guilty about robbing people.
Amanda: Yeah.
Julia: But also not that guilty about robbing people, but doesn't want to be like explicitly the person taking things.
Amanda: Yeah.
Brandon: Sure.
Amanda: Umbi, I feel would definitely go for like the money, the chest, the safecracking like whatever the– you know, the—the biggest get would be.
Brandon: Yeah, he always needs stuff to like, support his traveling lifestyle, like money to support his traveling lifestyle.
Amanda: Yeah, yeah.
Brandon: So he always goes for the cash.
Amanda: Yeah, and I think Troy is very used to like bartering with other guards in Crags.
Brandon: Crags!
Amanda: And would just like do a quick loop and grab anything flashy or interesting. So if there's like a lost and found box in the back, if there's like a rifle under the bar, if there is a Billy Joelle poster, he would just like— he would just like do a quick circuit, grab all the shit he can find.
Eric: That's very funny. Alright, yeah, Cammie, you're posted up at the front. Cammie, give me your perception check to see if anyone's coming.
Julia: Great. Can I use Nonny as advantage, like on top of my head?
Eric: Sure.
Julia: Great. [dice roll] Okay. And—okay.
Eric: What a good way to use advantage—
Julia: Okay, beautiful.
Eric: —that you have two people looking and whoever does it best is the one who sees it. That's—that's a great way to use advantage.
Julia: Absolutely. So that is going to be a dirty 20 perception.
Amanda: Yay!
Eric: You're so good, no one's coming.
Amanda: Great.
Julia: Love it.
Eric: Hell yeah.
Julia: I love to see it.
Eric: Let's call Umbi first because uh—because he said that cool line about people taking his job. Umbi, you immediately go behind the bar, you see the till, which is the old– an old fashioned cash register, of course. And all the stuff that you saw yesterday, the barrel of sap, all the bottles, you even see the one that—as you asked for the strongest thing, and the tomato bartender said that they had their names on them. So you can see the names. Hondo has a— has his name written on a big bottle all the way at the top of the wall. It's like a big shiny bottle filled with some viscous liquid.
Amanda: I'm grabbing that.
Eric: All the way on top.
Brandon: I assume the till will be locked right?
Eric: Yeah, yeah.
Brandon: Yeah. Well as you might know, Eric my bombs do two times damage to objects and structures. I think that includes the till, so—
Eric: That's upsetting.
Amanda: Nice.
Brandon: I am going to try to burst open this till.
Julia: Brandon, you're going to destroy the money inside.
[dice roll]
Brandon: No, it's very delicate.
Amanda: Well, if there's doublooms.
Brandon: Very delicate.
Julia: It does double damage, but it's very delicate.
Brandon: Very delicate.
Eric: Incredibly delicate. I mean you—you can do a bomb and you can do it, so it only is in like the localized space. So it's only a 5x5 square, that's not too bad. Everyone should just get out of the fucking way.
[Julia laughs]
Brandon: Yeah.
Amanda: Yeah, love it.
Eric: Cool.
Julia: Oh, it’s going to be a mess.
Eric: Alright, do an Attack Roll for me, my man.
Brandon: 14
Eric: Oh yeah, what is the la— how do you set this to localize damage?
Brandon: Umbi just like sort of takes out enough powder to make sure it's like a small radius explosion, and then steps back there—
Amanda: The little one.
Brandon: —the little one and then yeah, steps back like, you know, five or ten feet or whatever it is. And then just like, you know, underhand tosses it over right near the lock mechanism, trying to like—trying to get it away from where the money might be held, but you know?
Eric: Yeah, yeah, five feet away. Yeah, for sure. Yeah, there's five feet of cash, five feet of cash register.
Amanda: Or no, if the bomb is like, you know, two feet away, then it only hits like six inches of the—
Eric: No, I just think it's funny. I love just blowing up this thing. Because here's what happens, cha-ching [explosion sounds] in the cash register explode, and doublooms go everywhere.
Amanda: Yeah.
Eric: And so do all of the bottles on the back of the wall by the bar.
Brandon: Yeah.
Eric: So does the bar and everyone is covered in sap.
Brandon: Yeah!
Julia: I'm outside. I don't know what you're talking about.
Eric: Umbi is so sticky, but there's no mechanical damage. I just want you Brandon to know your sticky.
Amanda: Yeah.
Brandon: Umbi loves it. He loves that shit. Can I do actually, like a Dexterity Saving Throw or something or dexterity check to try to catch the fancy bottle as it's falling?
Eric: No, I think it was— yeah, do an dexterity– yeah, why don't you do a Dexterity Saving Throw? It is—it— it would be farthest away if it was on top for sure.
Amanda: Hmm, that's true. More than five feet I bet.
Brandon: I assume it's pretty hard, but—
Eric: Yeah. It will be—this will be tough, but yeah.
Amanda: The shelf breaks in the middle, the bottle rolls toward the end, end over end.
Brandon: I got a 14 + 2 for 16. Probably not enough.
Amanda: Pretty good.
Eric: 16.
Julia: That's pretty good, Brandon.
Amanda: Pretty good.
Julia: A 16 is pretty good.
Amanda: Pretty good.
Eric: Sixteen, you put yourself in the right position. You—your hands are up, do you— your feet are set, like from playing old-timey stickball out in Overstalk and you're ready for it. And it's up, and the sheer force of the bomb shatters the glass and all of the liquor just splashes you in the face.
Amanda: Oh, no.
Julia: Oh, boy.
Eric: But if the bottle held, you would have caught it.
Brandon: Does it smell good though?
Eric: Oh, it does.
Brandon: Great. I'm gonna start picking up some doublooms then.
Eric: Yeah, it's just pawpaw fruit, and then sap. And now there's like drambuie on top of it.
Brandon: Hell yeah.
Amanda: Oh no. Is it the situation where Umbi gets bruised, and then he stinks real bad?
Eric: This—this is that situation.
Julia: No.
Brandon: It doesn’t stink real bad, it just smells like green bell peppers.
Amanda: Okay.
Eric: Yeah. Cammie, give me another perception check to see if people come.
Julia: Great. Oh, well. I rolled a 7 and then a Nat 20.
Eric: There you gooo.
Amanda: Love that octopus.
[Eric rolls many dice]
Julia: Why are you rolling so many dice, my guy? Stop it. Stop.
Amanda: Ugh, stop it, Eric, that was like the sixth one!
Julia: Eric, stop it. Not allowed.
Eric: Yeah, Nat 20, no one is coming. Nonny gets all the way up on top of your head, takes out a spyglass.
Amanda: Aw.
Julia: That's adorable.
Amanda: It's so cute.
Julia: Eric, that's a cutest thing you've ever said.
Amanda: That's so cute, so cute.
Eric: Nothing, Nonny doesn’t even see anything.
Julia: Interesting. What were all those rolls for then?
Eric: Uh, for fun. Wink, wink.
Julia: Okay. Okay. I think Cammie goes–
Julia (as Cammie): I think we should wrap this up. I think we've had a lot of fun here. Those—those are some great explosions, Umbi, but—
Brandon (as Umbi): Thanks.
Julia (as Cammie): I have a feeling that we're going to have company soon.
Eric: It is Troy's turn.
Amanda: Yeah, in doing his circuit of the room, did Troy notice any—anything like interesting mounted on the walls, or like left on tables?
Julia: That wasn't destroyed by a bomb?
Amanda: Yeah, Like—
Eric: No, that was localized to the bar. It's fine.
Amanda: Yeah. Yeah.
Eric: Yeah.
Amanda: Lost and found, ceremonial dagger, cool like harpoon someone used one time?
Eric: I love the idea that Troy is like running around in the back room then you hear [explosion]
Amanda: Yeah.
Brandon: Guys, it's called a smash and grab, it's not called a delicate unlock, and grab.
Amanda: Umbi, we know what you're about.
Eric: Give me an investigation check for what you're looking for. You're just looking for something cool?
[dice roll]
Amanda: Like you know how at bars they'll have like a sword or like a gun just like mounted like over a fireplace, or like two harpoons will be like crossed and mounted on the walls in like a, you know, an old-timey bar.
Eric: Oh, sure.
Amanda: That's what I'm going for. I only got a 9, so if not, I'll gather doublooms and go.
Eric: Yeah, no, that's interesting. On the wall is a mounted yellow thornfish. Instead of like a sawtooth, it’s with– it has rose thorns on its nose. This is actually quite prized because they kept the yellow rose on the tip when they were catching it. So it's actually quite a good catch and it's cool. It's rather long, it's 10 feet long. So if you did want to grab it, I bet you could hawk this at the pirate market or tell someone that you caught it, but that's all you can see.
Brandon: Cool.
Julia (as Cammie): It's a good trade.
Amanda: Eric, that is so cool. Troy's gonna look at it go–
Amanda (as Troy): Ohh.
Amanda: And then I think the explosion happens right behind him. And he's gonna– entire back just coated with sap. This is why he keeps his wings rolled because that would be several days of washing and drying. And then he's just going to freeze, say goodbye to his new friend, turn around and start collecting doublooms. He's gonna leave it.
Julia: Okay.
Eric: Oh, you’re gonna leave it?
Amanda: I don't think Troy could take someone's like 10-foot-long mascot masterpiece.
Julia: It’s a big fish.
Amanda: Big fish, big catch. I think he’d feel bad about it.
Eric: Sure. That’s totally fine.
Julia: They—they did try to kill us, but Amanda I understand completely.
Eric: Yup. Since I—Cammie gave you Action. I will get you let you look around again for another thing, so you can do another investigation check.
Amanda: It's only a 4. Unfortunately.
Eric: You do see a Billy Joelle—a Billy Joelle live at Roseland Coliseum poster.
Amanda: Good. But then is it hit with a big bunch of sap?
Eric: No, it's just a Billy Joelle old poster. You can take the Billy Joelle poster.
Amanda: Fuck yeah, dude.
Eric: Yeah, there you go.
Amanda: Troy’s gonna grab it and roll it up, right in that quiver. Yeah.
Brandon: You gotta make your cabins in the—on the boat your own, you know?
Amanda: Yeah, hell yeah. Yeah, he's gonna grab that and then start scooping up as many doublooms as he can and putting it into his pockets.
Eric: Cool.
Julia: Fuck yeah.
Eric: Cammie, give me another perception check.
Julia (as Cammie): We really should be going.
Brandon: See, it’s actually lucky because– that everything got sticky because doublooms are gonna stick to each other, but make it easier to take a big bunch of them, you know.
Eric: You guys are rolling—you're rolling into a ball.
Julia: 15 + 2 for a 17.
Eric: Cammie, hey, dude.
Julia: Hey.
Eric: No one is coming. I don't know. I know you guys aren’t a crack team necessarily, but look—
Brandon: Hey!
Eric: This is going fine like—
Julia: They went to our ship, guys.
Eric: This smash-and-grab is going regular. It's not going particularly fast. Umbi blows stuff up. Troy looks for something cool, usually takes something silly. It's fine, it's usual. At this point, y'all would be out of here, or you'd be chased by folks. No one is coming. Nonny still has her little spyglass out, still doesn't see anything.
[Nonny purrs]
Brandon: Nonny is the cutest of us all.
Julia: I know. She's so pure. She's so perfect and beautiful, my sweet baby.
Brandon: She’s so perfect.
Eric: So you're safe, like no one is coming. It's still the fucking dead out here. But after three perception checks, you're like this.
Julia (as Cammie): This is concerning.
Eric: I feel someone should be coming by now, huh?
Julia (as Cammie): Yeah. I did drop a giant creature on top of them. So that's potentially the thing. However, I am concerned now about the ship. Is anyone else concerned about the ship?
Amanda (as Troy): Let's go.
Brandon (as Umbi): Yeah, let's go.
Julia (as Cammie): Please.
Brandon: And Umbi walks up, or like runs up, and he has so much doublooms in his hands that he could like barely see over the pile. And it's stuck together with sap.
Julia: Makes it easier to carry, it’s stuck together with sap.
Eric: In my head, it's like the size of a dodgeball.
Amanda: Yeah, yeah.
Eric: Just a— just a ball of gold coins.
Amanda: Like a beach ball. Yeah.
Brandon: I was gonna say beach ball. Yeah, even bigger.
Eric: Oh, sure, sure, sure. Yeah, y'all can haul ass.
Julia: Alright.
Brandon (as Umbi): Let's go.
Amanda: Yeah. As we approach the Sea Whip, I also want to be super cautious and check and see if there's any evidence that people were there.
Eric: Sure. As you run up– do you want to do that before, or whe—when do you— you all want to do that like as you're heading down to the docks where you parked the Sea Whip?
Brandon: Well, maybe— maybe we have a friend on—on the ship that we could ask you know, maybe we could just yell out to Harold and see if Harold feels like being a herald, you know?
Eric (as Harold): Hellloooo, what did you get me?
[Brandon laughs]
Eric: As the algae on the side of your ship will hauls up and you just see two dots for eyes and a smiley face as Harold the algae waves toward you.
Eric (as Harold): Did you get me anything fun? Maybe for my vintage musician's collection?
Amanda (as Troy): Yo, Harold I got you the best poster. It's for Billy Joelle, live at the Rose Bowl.
Eric (as Harold): Oh, I saw him in Roseland Coliseum.
[Brandon laughs]
Amanda (as Troy): Yeah, yeah, that one.
Eric (as Harold): Oh that one?
Amanda (as Troy): Yeah!
Eric (as Harold): Oh, Incredible. Thank you so much!
Amanda (as Troy): Yo, Harold, is anybody on the ship? Anyone fuck with the Sea Whip?
Eric (as Harold): No, not that I would see, but I can only see so much as, you know, algae on the side of the boat.
Brandon: How can you only see so much? You're algae, you're across the entire boat?
Amanda: Well, it depends on which side he's eyes are on.
Eric: Yeah, exactly. Brandon.
Julia: He only has the one set of eyes.
Eric (as Harold): Of course, even if I didn't see it, I would feel them squelching on top of me. And I would be like—and I would be like, no, sir. No one gets to step on Harold the algae unless giving permission. I have boundaries.
Julia (as Cammie): So there was no squelching?
Eric (as Harold): No squelching, I'm squelchless.
Julia (as Cammie): Wonderful.
Brandon (as Umbi): Harold, do we squelch on you? I'm so sorry.
Eric (as Harold): No squelching here.
Julia (as Cammie): No, we're very cautious with our squelching.
Amanda (as Troy): Cammie, you must have really occupied them with that—that anglerfish.
Julia (as Cammie): I'm both very pleased with myself, and also very concerned that I'm missing something.
Brandon (as Umbi): Me too, but I think it's time to set sail. I don’t think there’s–
Julia (as Cammie): Let’s get going, yeah
Amanda: Yeah, we can always toss them overboard.
Brandon (as Umbi): Don’t look a gift horse in the mouth, you know?
Julia (as Cammie): What's a horse?
Brandon (as Umbi): I don't know, it's something my dad used to tell me.
Amanda (as Troy): A horse tail fern. Dated one of those.
Julia (as Cammie): Yeah.
Amanda (as Troy): Back in the Crags.
Julia: Yeah.
Eric: Horse tail fern.
Julia (as Cammie): Or a tumbleweed horse, maybe?
Brandon (as Umbi): Maybe, let's get on the boat.
Julia (as Cammie): I'm really puzzled by this horse situation.
Amanda: Yeah. Before anyone steps on the boat can Troy just do like, with vehicle proficiency, can I just like look at the—at the riggings and like look at the— the like lines where the boat is anchored to the dock, and make sure no one's like, messed with them, cut them, raked them?
Eric: Sure sounds good. Give me an investigation because you're looking close to something.
Amanda: Can I roll with advantage or proficiency because of my vehicle proficiency?
Eric: No. I think all of you would know if like the boat’s good. This is like more like general boat maintenance.
Julia: Boat knowledge. I love boat knowledge.
Amanda: Alright, it's a 16.
Julia: Pretty good.
Brandon: Pretty good.
Eric: You're all good. Harold says–
Amanda: Eric, stop saying we’re all good! It really freaks me out!
Julia: I'm really concerned.
Brandon: I think you killed them all, Julia.
Eric (as Harold): I was bo— I was so bored here by myself! I was like oh, when are my good friends gonna come back after they left me on the boat, and they said Harold you can't come. Harold, you just be a no— a nuisance. Harold, how do you even leave the boat, you're part of the boat.
Julia (as Cammie): Harold, we would never say that about you.
Eric (as Harold): I distinctly remember all three of you saying something like that.
Amanda (as Troy): Alright, let's— let's deal with this when we're– when we're at sail.
Eric (as Harold): This is exactly what happened. Cammie said, “I hate you, Harold”. And then Troy said, “You would just weigh us down, Harold” and then Umbi said, “What?”
Brandon (as Umbi): What?
Julia (as Cammie): Harold, when we—when we set sail, I will sit down with you for a nice cup of tea and we'll talk about your projecting.
Eric (as Harold): Fine. But only if you braid my algae.
Julia (as Cammie): Of course, I love doing that.
Amanda: I love Harold.
Eric: Hell yeah. Alright. Yeah, y'all— y'all want to get out of there? What does it look like? What is—what's like– What are your regular ship positions?
Amanda: I think Troy will be at the wheel, navigating.
Julia: I think Cammie does like rigging and stuff like that. Stuff you can do from the deck.
Brandon: Hey guys real quick just like out of the podcast like just out— just like, this isn’t gonna be in the podcast, it's fine, it's fine. What did you do on boats?
Julia: Oh, god Brandon.
Eric: I thought—I assumed Umbi was just going to be manning cannons by putting bombs and cannons and stuff.
Julia: Yeah.
Brandon: Okay, cool, cool, cool.
Amanda: Yeah, I think Umbi has a like extremely comfortable– like you know everyone's grandparent has their favorite armchair. I think Umbi’s is like right next to the cannons, and that is where he settles and chills during sailing.
Eric: Yes, Brandon, if this helps, this is more like Starship Enterprise, what is your position? This is less, hey, where do you go on the ship to do the ship thing?
Brandon: So I'm the head of security, got it. I'm the Worf.
Amanda: Yeah.
Eric: Yeah, pretty—yes. You're Worf, that's why Umbi has that brow ridge.
[Brandon laughs]
Julia: I'm the communications person.
Amanda: Yes.
Brandon: I'm gonna drop off the doublooms under the deck just to keep them in our, you know, our hold or whatever, but yeah.
Julia: Sure.
Amanda: Yeah.
Eric: Yeah, you hear it bounce, and bounce and bounce, it's not unsticking.
Amanda: Oh no.
Brandon: Well, yeah, you got to dissolve with a solvent you know, but Umbi will get there in his workshop.
Amanda: Yeah, yeah.
Julia: Naturally.
Eric (as Harold): I'll get the solvent bucket.
Julia: A bucket of solvent.
Amanda: I like to picture the little algae, like protrusions, like coming in through the side of the ship and it keeps it watertight. But Harold can also like poke his way into the ship if need be.
Eric: Oh, yeah, I feel like Harold is– I don't know, like, you know, like when the mansion is alive?
All: Yeah, yeah.
Eric: Those tropes? Kind of like that. Harold is the ship, but the ship is Harold. Yeah.
Julia: I'm picturing it almost like in Moana, when like the water is like sentient and moving–
All: Yeah.
Julia: –and stuff except with a little two poked in eyes and a smiley face.
Amanda: Yeah.
Eric: Yeah, that's totally fair.
Amanda: Troy sticks the poster to a random wall on the ship and it like dissolves into it. So Harold could position it wherever he wants.
Julia: Ohhh!
Eric: Incredible. Yeah, I just want to— I just want to know your positions. I think Harold does like all of the— all of the hard boat stuff that Eric does not know how to describe.
Amanda: Tight.
Eric: So Harold like does the rigging and sets up the sail, and pulls up the anchor and all that stuff.
Amanda: Yeah.
Julia: Maybe Cammie's helping with navigation, then?
Amanda: I was just gonna say, I think Cammie would be a great—yeah, like communications, navigation officer.
Julia (as Cammie): Yeah, I look at maps.
Eric: Here Cammie just has a bunch of maps and is looking up at stars.
Julia (as Cammie): Yeah.
Eric: That's a real Cammie shit to do.
Julia: That is really cute, I love that.
Amanda: Cute.
Eric: Hell yeah.
Julia: You said everything's fine. So like we just sail away, right Eric?
Eric: No everything– no, everything is fine.
Brandon: God, I hate it when he does this y'all.
Julia: I really don't like it.
Eric: Everyone make perception checks.
Amanda: No.
Julia: Stop making me perceive things.
Amanda: I'm not good at perceiving, you know this about me.
Julia: Not good. I think my highest was a 7.
Amanda: 17. 18 - 1.
Brandon: Uh, 13 + 2 for 15.
Julia: Alright, Thanks for backing me up, gang. Cammie's really— Cammie was like,
Julia (as Cammie): I think I spotted a new constellation.
Julia: It's fully daytime.
Eric: Yeah, as you're pulling the Sea Whip out of the dock and Harold, Harold gives a good push off the dock of the Island of Esca. Umbi and Troy, I think that you’re—as you turn the Sea Whip around, you kind of look over on the right side of the ship, that would be the starboard side for all you Muppet Treasure Island fans out there.
Amanda: You know how you know, it's because port—
Eric: Port is left.
Amanda: Yes. Port and left have the same number of letters.
Eric: Yes, I knew that. Yes. You're looking over on the— on the starboard side of the ship and docked kind of on the other side of the island as you're pulling out is a rotten-looking ship. Almost like a shipwreck on the side of the island. If you had jumped down the cliff behind the Sea Devil's pool, you would have seen the shipwreck. There are three large masts with holes chewed out of it. And it seems to just be kind of bobbing in the– it's still like in the water, it's like half on the sand, half in the water. And this thing looks messed up like it's– it's dealt with 10 terrible storms and weathered all of them only to smash itself against the cliff– on these cliffs on that side of the Island of Esca.
Amanda: And it's not seaworthy, it’s wrecked?
Eric: It looks fucked up. It looks very fucked. Troy, almost looks spooky, it's rotted all the way through, but it's rotted in a way that like, you know, when you look in the woods when it's dark enough, and you only see a little bit of light through, and there's like an evil face looking back at you, like with a craggly mouth and eyes. It's almost like the rot of the woods show is giving is— is like making like a jack o lantern face back at you.
Brandon (as Umbi): Well, I mean, normally I don't say no to a shipwreck, but let's get the fuck out of here, I guess.
Amanda (as Troy): Yeah, that's, that's spooky. I'll— I'll take the slightly longer way. Cammie, take—take a look over there at that thing, and if we can—
Amanda: I'm not going to go toward it, but if Cammie can have like one more opportunity to look at it on the way out, and if there's any kind of like, magical assessment that they can do.
Eric: Yeah.
Brandon: And Umbi just naturally is always going to point the cannon at the thing that could be a threat. So he's prepared just in general—
Amanda: Good.
Brandon: —Eric.
Eric: Yeah—
Amanda: I like that.
Eric: For sure, for sure.
Julia: Cammie looks down from the quote-unquote “stars” that they saw earlier. And is like–
Julia (as Cammie): What—what am I looking at?
Eric: Yeah.
Amanda (as Troy): Creepy ship, creepy ship.
Amanda: But Troy's gonna focus on getting us out of here.
Eric: Yeah, Troy you—I think that if you want Cammie to take one last look at it on the way out, you can turn the boat away from it. Cammie, you can kinda look at it from the back, like looking at the back of the ship, back towards Esca Island.
Amanda: Yeah.
Julia: And Cammie's like–
Julia (as Cammie): Oh, I saw that ship.
Amanda (as Troy): Really?
Julia (as Cammie): Last night.
Amanda (as Troy): What?
Brandon (as Umbi): What?
Julia (as Cammie): While you guys were sleeping.
Amanda (as Troy): Huh?
Julia: So I have notes about Audrey the Rotten Queen. I think I rolled a history check a couple of episodes ago. So can I recount that information to my fellows here?
Eric: Yeah, absolutely.
Julia: And then Cammie goes–
Julia(as Cammie): Oh, that might explain where those zombies came from. Huh, interesting. Because that's you know, that's Audrey, The Rotten Queen’s ship.
Amanda (as Troy): Cool name, who's that?
Brandon (as Umbi): I thought she was a myth.
Julia (as Cammie): Oh, no, she's—she's real. She was cursed by some sort of artifact, I think? And now she sails the high seas in a very interesting-looking ship.
Brandon (as Umbi): Great.
Amanda (as Troy): Is she— is she like kind of out for herself in like the normal way? Is she trying to turn us all into followers?
Julia (as Cammie): Well, she is a pirate.
Amanda (as Troy): Normal, natural.
Julia (as Cammie): Yeah. Normal, natural.
Julia: Can I do like a Religion Check to remember what I know about the evil goddess or what I've heard via rumor or whatever?
Eric: Yeah, absolutely. Do religion, who ro— when do we ever get the roll for Religion?
Amanda: Yeah.
Julia: I think rarely.
Amanda: Worldbuilding.
Julia: I don't have a ton of religion, but it's not a negative. A 14. 13 + 1.
Eric: A 13—yeah, a 13 + 1. The artifact that trapped Audrey was actually a possessed pot. Audrey The Rotten Queen is rooted towards a pot of a– some sort of death goddess/demon/devil/something and you—you can recognize Audrey by the sound of her coming which is—which is a drag and a ka-chunk, as she drags and hops forward the pot in which she stands.
Julia: Excellent.
Amanda: Hell yeah.
Julia (as Cammie): I should make her a little like, wheeling platform.
Amanda (as Troy): Oh, yeah.
Julia (as Cammie): Make it a little easier for herself.
Amanda: Yeah.
Brandon (as Umbi): I—my dad asked you to tell me about her, like as a bedtime story. You're telling me this is real?
Julia (as Cammie): Yeah.
Amanda (as Troy): If it's the pot, maybe they possess different plants, every few years, you know?
Julia: How long has she been around?
Eric: Actually, that's a good question. What do– what do you– Umbi is fucking old, right, Brandon?
Brandon: I don't know a man, who could say?
Eric: Yeah— I—Umbi but like remember the time before the Cascade dried up?
Brandon: Yeah.
Eric: I assume.
Brandon: Yeah.
Eric: So like what if this— if Audrey was a story that your dad told you, what was Audrey The Rotten Queen like in that story? Like pre-unprecedented tides?
Brandon: You know, it's sort of like a mythical story that we might tell each other today about like, you know, the moral is like, don't you know go off in the woods where you're not supposed to because you're gonna get hurt. But so yeah, very big, very mystical, big in the sense of like, larger than life, like can control the waterfall itself, and that kind of things, you know?
Eric: Yeah, I 100% agree. It's like yeah, don't go off in the woods by yourself because Audrey The Rotten Queen will get you to join her rotted—
Julia: Hoard.
Eric: Army—her army. You're like, you know, you doesn't have to be on the water before, she can just like live in the woods and be like a witch creature or a boogeyman creature, for sure.
Amanda: Yeah, and then after the waterfall dried up, is it like oh, no, no, she's out there on the sea. Like did—did it become then more tangible?
Brandon: No. I mean, it's for Umbi, this is the first time he’s hearing of it.
Eric: No, that's— that what I'm thinking, yeah.
Brandon: Yeah.
Eric: That's what I'm thinking. Because like if the story moved, but like Audrey is out there, grabbing shit.
Brandon: So unclear to us character-wise whether someone assumed the mantle of Audrey ,or Audrey just has existed for this long.
Amanda: Yeah, fun.
Eric: Absolutely. Cammie, as you're looking back on Esca, you see on the edge– on the cliff, as you are fading– as the Sea Whip is heading towards the horizon. You see something happened to view, a few petals of a daffodil, and floating on a bed of water, the Sea Devil. But there seems to be some chunks taken out of its side.
Julia: Cammie waves.
Eric: Audrey waves back to you.
Julia (as Cammie): Best friends, we're gonna be best friends.
Brandon (as Umbi): Cammie, stop it!
Eric: Incredible. While we still have some time, I think as you head back to your base, I don't think that Esca Island is all too far away. I think you also took this job because it seemed easy and it was— it was nearby. I think you see sailing on the water, you see a sailboat with some barrels on the side. It's kinda—it's a kind of just gliding on the water and like skipping on the waves. And in the sailboat, you see a large tangelo. For those you don't know, it's like one of those clementines with like the little belly button on top. And on top of the little belly button nub, you see a see like a blonde—a blonde wig that reaches all the way down to their shoulders, and they toss their hair in the wind, and they turn around and they say–
Eric (as Orello): Well, you're back! How was your time? And that is Orello Threepwood the merchant who brings cool stuff to pirate islands and told you about the Esca Island job.
Amanda (as Troy): I'm gonna kill this guy.
Eric (as Orello): Oh smashing! So glad to see you folks, I'm so happy everything’s seemed to have gone as well as possible.
Amanda (as Troy): Orello, tie up my man, come on over.
Eric (as Orello): Oh, hold on. I need to get my—I have to get my docking wig.
Eric: He takes his wig off, throws it, and puts out a bright red one instead.
Julia: Sure, sure.
Eric (as Orello): Oh, the winds have taken me in so many directions, I should just pull up next to you.
Brandon: Umbi's gonna throw down a rope ladder for them to climb up.
Eric (as Orello): Oh, smashing, darling. Absolutely.
Eric: They sail their a little sailboat next to the Sea Whip, ties it up.
Eric (as Orello): So oh, you know my—I don't have a great upper arm— I don't have a great upper arm strength darling, like will you just pull me up?
Brandon (as Umbi): No, I'm old.
Eric (as Orello): Oh, Troy please baby, pull me up.
Amanda (as Troy): Anything for you, Orello.
Amanda: And then Troy makes eye contact with Cammie and Umbi and does like cutting at the—at a neck gesture.
Julia: Cammie nods being like–
Julia (as Cammie): I don't like to hold grudges, but I kind of hate him.
Brandon (as Umbie): I'm gonna put a bomb in his pocket and walk away.
Amanda (as Troy): Yo Cammie, we're dealing with this right away. You know we're not holding the grudge, we're dealing with it right now.
Julia (as Cammie): Okay.
Amanda: So Troy hauls up the ladder and, and Orello can tumble into the boat.
Eric (as Orello): Oh, I feel like an emperor every time. This is like a Cher impression. I like it.
Amanda (as Troy): Orello grab a seat, seat of honor.
Amanda: And Troy like pulls up a little crate or a barrel to let them sit on.
Eric (as Orello): Oh, thank you. I just want to hear everything about your wonderful excursion on Esca Island. With those rubes sitting there, just having their treasure out. I think it was very— it was very key to information that I'm happy to have passed on to some of my wonderful customers. Snap out of it!
Brandon: I think Umbi's gonna punch him in the face.
Julia: Hold on, let's see—let's see if he was ignorant or if he like he knew, so—
Amanda: Yeah.
Brandon: It doesn't matter. I'm still gonna hit him, Julia.
Eric: Alright, give me a— give me an attack roll.
Brandon: 8.
Eric: 8?
Amanda: Oh no.
Brandon: 8 total.
Julia: This—this person couldn't possibly have higher than 8 AC.
Eric: Julia, zombies have 8 AC. I think you have a higher AC than zombies.
Julia: I certainly don't think.
Brandon: I think a zombie has a higher AC than Louis the XIV for sure.
Julia: Oh for sure.
Amanda: This is a real baby king energy. I love it.
Julia: I only have 10, come on.
Eric: Hold on, I have to look up merchant stats, hold on.
Amanda: Fast forward to 14 months from now and Eric has published a ACs of various fruit table.
Eric: Yeah, I think you hit him. That's fine, you can hit him.
Brandon: It wasn't a very— like I'm not trying to actually like hurt him. I'm just trying to show our offense, you know.
Amanda: Yeah.
Eric: A formal punch.
Brandon: A formal punch, yeah.
Julia: Among pirates? A thing.
Amanda: It’s a real just shot across the bow, so to speak.
Eric (as Orello): Oh, it seemed from my reception, that you didn't– that the information was bad.
Eric: As Orello spits juice on the other deck.
Brandon: And Umbi's just like.
Brandon (as Umbi): Oww, oww, oww, oww, oww.
Julia (as Cammie): Now, Orello, did you know about—well, let—let's start from the beginning. Did you know about the trial?
Eric (as Orello): Trial? Oh, for my po— for my polygamy in the four countries? No, absolutely not. I don't know anything about that.
Amanda: Troy knocks an arrow.
Julia (as Cammie): No. Orello, I'm talking about the trial at the Temple of the Sea Devil, the thing that you told us about.
Eric (as Orello): Alright it was bigamy, there were only two of them. I'm not good enough for four wives.
Brandon (as Umbi): Yeah, that makes sense.
Julia (as Cammie): Okay, well, I think you're just ignorant, which is usually just as bad. But you—I don't think you were being malicious. So I—
Eric (as Orello): You can call me anything, just not late for dinner, honey.
Brandon: I punch him again.
Julia (as Cammie): But now that you keep saying things like that, I'm doubting my instincts.
Amanda (as Troy): Orello, did you know that you were sending us into a situation that we barely escaped with our lives from?
Eric (as Orello): Absolutely not. What kind of merchant do you take me for? What would the point of killing my customers be? Who else is going to buy these—who else is going to buy nameplated arrows that say, “Troy's the man”? They finally came in, it took— it took two months before they're here.
Julia (as Cammie): Troy, those sound amazing.
Amanda (as Troy): I don't want them anymore.
Eric (as Orello): Fine, I'll sell them to a different Troy who needs arrows.
Amanda (as Troy): Yeah, good luck with that.
Julia (as Cammie): Troy, we could just take them.
Amanda (as Troy): Yes, we'll take them free. Thank you. Cammie, you're so smart.
Brandon (as Umbi): Let's just tie him up and take his boat.
Julia (as Cammie): Orello, is there a reason we shouldn't just tie you up and take your boat?
Amanda (as Troy): Like maybe you're getting kickbacks from Esca and the cult there? I don't know.
Eric (as Orello): No, absolutely not. Why would I do that?
Julia: Can I roll insight, just— just while we're having this conversation?
Eric: Sure, if you want.
Julia: I just want to make sure that it's all good, [rolls dice] and that’s not going to do anything, it was an eight.
Eric: Orello is juicy in more than one way, in that Orello loves juicy gossip and telling it, but Orello sometimes does not—let's see, verify the juicy gossip, he want– Orello wants to be liked.
Amanda: Sure.
Eric: And that's a good thing to do if you're a merchant sailing on the seas.
Julia: Understandable.
Brandon: Yeah.
Amanda: Yeah, let's just rob them.
Eric (as Orello): If you take my boat, who's gonna get Umbi is old man cream, for general old man things?
Amanda (as Troy): You're right.
Brandon (as Umbi): That's—you made that up, that's nothing. I didn't—what?
Julia: Cammie sideeyes Umbi.
Julia (as Cammie): Old man cream?
Eric: There's a whole barrel that says “Umbi's old folk cream” in the sailboat.
Amanda: Creams are important as you get older. I'm 31. I know creams are important.
Amanda (as Troy): You're right, you're right. Listen, guys here's the thing, Orello's right. We should leave him his boat, but take all the stuff he has instead.
Brandon (as Umbi); Oh, yeah. Well, okay. Here's what I propose. Ol Or– Olr– your name doesn't really lend itself to a nickname.
Julia (as Cammie): Rello?
Brandon (as Umbi): Rello, Ol’ Rello.
Eric (as Orello): They called me Oey in the— in the estate that I'm from.
Brandon (as Umbi): I'm not gonna call you that.
Julia (as Cammie): I don't think that's true.
Eric (as Orello): I am very much from the House of Orange of the Kingdom of the Crags. The peop— the family with the greatest divine rights.
Brandon (as Umbi): Okay, shut up.
Eric (as Orello): To the Cragish throne!
Julia (as Cammie): Troy, is that true?
Amanda (as Troy): I—uh, shut up!
Amanda: And then pushes the arrow a little bit closer to his skin.
Julia: Uh-oh.
Brandon (as Umbi): Okay, here's—here's the deal. You lead us into a terrible situation where we barely escaped our lives so, uh we'll let you go if—well, you got three options. You die, we can just kill you. No one wants that.
Eric (as Orello): No, I don't want that.
Brandon (as Umbi): We don't want that either, it's fine, Two, we tie you up, tight as a barrel, throw in the ocean, we take your boat, take your stuff.
Eric (as Orello): That's the same as the first one.
Brandon (as Umbi): You can swim, it's fine.
Amanda (as Troy): But slower.
Brandon (as Umbi): Three—
Eric (as Orello): Not if I’m in a barrel.
Brandon (as Umbi): Three because you're fucked us, we get the first crack at every tip you get from now on. Period.
Julia (as Cammie): And discounts for life.
Brandon (as Umbi): And you don't get a cut, because otherwise, we cut you.
Eric (as Orello): No.
Amanda (as Troy): Send a gooseberry bird over our way, anytime you get a good tip. You know where we're at. We’ll vet it for ourselves.
Julia: Amanda, gooseberry bird, perfect.
Amanda: Thanks.
Eric: It's good.
Eric (as Orello): Doesn't really leave me with many options.
Brandon (as Umbi): I gave you fucking three!
Julia (as Cammie): At least you have options.
Eric (as Orello): But I'm sure that—I want to show all three of you how sorry I am, at how I didn't mean to lead you into— how I didn't mean to lead you into certain danger.
Brandon: Can I roll up a persuasion, Eric?
Julia: Or intimidation would be also be good.
Amanda: Troy also wants to push just the tip of the arrow into the skin, so you see that little like, of zest of juice that like when you're zesting orange.
Julia: The citrus oil? Yeah.
Amanda: Just like— just like a single droplet of juice.
Eric: Yeah, give me a roll.
Brandon: Well, Eric, I have a plus four to persuasion, which is why I wanted to do it, but it doesn't matter because I wrote a fucking Nat 20 baby.
Eric: Let's go.
Amanda: Yay!
Julia: Brandon, those are the rolls.
Amanda: That's the rolls we're looking for.
Eric (as Orello): Well, you seem to be striking a fair bargain. As much as I would love to walk the plank, I have my own plank at home. And by walk, I mean drink and by plank, I mean, alcohol to forget this.
Brandon (as Umbi): I mean, same. You got that good grog that we asked you for?
Eric (as Orello): Of course, I always have the good grog, and they don't call me Orello “Triple Fried” Threepwood.
Brandon (as Umbi); Why did they call you that?
Eric (as Orello); Of the house—of the House of Orange. I tell you what I can do that— I can do you one better. I will give you your the— I will give you the items that you special ordered for me. We can bring that on board if one of your– strapping young lad Troy will bring this aboard.
Amanda (as Troy): Okay, I get it.
Eric (as Orello): I will give you a—you can get discounts from me whatever you'd like. I'll—just give me a piece of Amber and I'll be able to facilitate any sort of favor that you're looking for. Just to show you how good friend—just to show all three of you how good friends you are to me. And third, I actually have a wonderful rumor that I'm happy to share with all of you that I haven't shared with anyone. Why I'm bursting at the seams to tell someone.
Amanda (as Troy): What's the rumor?
Brandon (as Umbi): It's weird that you're a Tangelo from the House of Orange.
Eric (as Orello); My great uncle was an arancha.
Julia: Wow.
Amanda: This is incredible comedy.
Eric (as Orello): I have a clue to the Infinite Lake.
[theme]
Transcriptionist: KA
Editor: KM