Audrey the Rotten Queen heard about the Great Pirate Meeting so she’s coming by to say hi. On the island, everyone’s preparing for her arrival.
Fleet and swift Is the Rot Lady / A ship strong and sound With a perilous crew / And high on the mast The skull and bones flew / While the captain Gazes out to sea / And every night / Greenfolk drink a toast / And say, Here's to Our lovely lady host
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Cast & Crew
- Game Master, Co-Producer: Eric Silver
- Co-Host (Umbi), Co-Producer, Sound Designer, Composer: Brandon Grugle
- Co-Host (Chamomile Cassis), Co-Producer: Julia Schifini
- Co-Host (Troy Riptide), Co-Producer: Amanda McLoughlin
- Theme Song: Lyrics by Eric Silver, music by Brandon Grugle. Vocals by Brandon Grugle, Lauren Shippen, Julia Schifini, Roux Bedrosian, Eric Silver, Tyler Silver, and Amanda McLoughlin. Available for purchase here.
- Artwork: Allyson Wakeman
- Multitude: https://multitude.productions
About Us
Join the Party is an actual play podcast with tangible worlds, genre-pushing storytelling, and collaborators who make each other laugh each week. We welcome everyone to the table, from longtime players to folks who’ve never touched a roleplaying game before. Hop into our current campaign, a pirate story set in a world of plant- and bug-folk, or marathon our completed stories with the Camp-Paign, a MOTW game set in a weird summer camp, Campaign 2 for a modern superhero game, and Campaign 1 for a high fantasy story. And once a month we release the Afterparty, where we answer your questions about the show and how we play the game. New episodes every Tuesday.
Transcript
Eric: I remember a time before the Cascade dried up. Here in Verda Stello, the four nations of plant and bug people flourished and thrived. But the great waterfall that fed the land slowed to a trickle, revealing a vast Salt Sea and unknown islands. The only guide were the words of the 13 Dried Carvings. “The water will slow to fall, but the tides are turning. Find the Infinite Lake to replenish the world and discover the Salmon who will grant you a wish of whatever you desire.” This marks the beginning of the Tide, as many Greenfolk hauled onto ships to find the Infinite Lake and maybe riches, adventure, excitement, and purpose along the way. And what exactly is a salmon? Is that a berry? That was 50 years ago, and the Tide rushes forward ever still. There are many stories caught on the wind between sails, but why don't we hear just one? Of a butterfly gunman with clipped wings, a ripened and explosive piece of produce, and a witch made out of tea. This is Join the Party Campaign 3, The Rising Tide!
[theme]
Eric: Did we decide what medium Campaign Three is? Like Campaign Two was a comic book. And I think Campaign One was like a fantasy story. And maybe the Camp-Paign was like a Gravity Falls Cartoon Network cartoon. Did we establish the medium of this one?
Julia: I'm pretty sure it's a video game because you've done a lot of like, "Peh, peh," versus "Peh, peh."
Eric: Oh, that's true. Okay.
Brandon: No. I think it's an anime with video game aesthetics.
Eric: Oh, sure.
Julia: What?
Brandon: An anime, Julia.
Julia: Okay. Interesting.
Amanda: Is that how we say it, Brandon?
Brandon: Uh-huh.
Amanda: Oh, good. Okay.
Eric: I already slipped Gunpla into this game, so I know, I know what we're about. It could be a video game with anime elements, too. That's fair.
Brandon: Both options are— are on the table, yeah.
Julia: Yeah, I was definitely picturing a JRPG, so that makes sense in my mind.
Eric: Okay. So that will be perfect. I think that we— as Umbi ran into the— the whale sea monster skeleton and—
Brandon (as Umbi): [pants]
Eric: I'm imagining Umbi's renow-- sprinting animation. Just like properly— [pants]
Amanda: Is it like a chicken where his— his head stays totally steady, but the— the body moves?
Eric: Yeah.
Brandon: I was gonna say yeah. You know in a video game when you see the guy, you see him run and the noise that comes into your mind, it's just— [pants]
Amanda: Exactly. You mean me. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Brandon: It's that.
Eric: And Salix looks up, pulls out his spyglass, and looks out on the Armada coming this way. I think that we fade to black as we go to a cutscene. We are zoomed all the way out. We are looking down on the skeleton on— on this island. And you see how large the skeleton truly is. You can see the— the Seabees honeycombs on the left side of the ships as small— almost figurines on the beach. And this armada of ships coming towards the island. Some text pops up and says, "X number of turns until Audrey makes landfall."
Brandon: Fuck.
Amanda: Wow.
Julia: Whoa-oh.
Brandon: Fuck.
Amanda: Whoa-oh.
Eric: Folks, do you remember— you remember when we played with pies, right? You know, inspired by our good friends over at Blades in the Dark. You make a little pie for something that's going to happen in the future?
Brandon: Yes, I do.
Julia: Yeah, there's like apple, and cherry, and pumpkin.
Eric: Strawberry rhubarb and daggers, you know?
Amanda: Yeah.
Brandon: Eric, you told me that was private when we did that.
Amanda: Eric, that's my gender, strawberry rhubarb and daggers, thank you.
Eric: It's a— it's a lattice, but it wasn't a lattice before you heisted it and took parts of the crust to make it into a lattice.
Amanda: Uh-hmm. Better for stealing.
Eric: So I've made a little pie here, which is the number of turns, quote-unquote, "until Audrey makes landfall at the pirate meeting." You have X number of turns until Audrey makes landfall. You can do whatever you want during those turns. But as we kind of do with fights sometimes, if you do an action that is going to be one slice of the pie for you, one-one turn as it were. You could also do some investigation, or some research, or some nautical math to figure out how far away, actually, if you want to reveal what that number of turns is. But right now, the boats are pretty far away, you need a spyglass to see them, but they are schmooving through the Great Salt Sea to make landfall.
Julia: Alright.
Eric: What do you— hey, oh, what do you want to do? You have a lot of— you have some choices here. You can talk to whoever you want, you can set up whatever you want. You can do whatever, but there's a quite a lot on the table here.
Brandon: Does talking count as a turn?
Eric: I think talking itself isn't an action, but you know, if you— if you have to talk to them for a while, or they need convincing or something that would be— and that would certainly be an action.
Amanda: Okay.
Brandon: Cool.
Eric: I think that is about when the afternoon session of the meeting is about to get started, so folks are making their way back to the conference room in the mouth of the whale sea monster. Remember, there is Millie, Archimedes Sevens, everyone's favorite boy, Lucky Edie, the separatists, the brothers on cone, Piney on behalf Tessie the Storm, the key with the gaze, of course, Kid Cervantes, and Lustrous with Salix watching the door. And Drooz is there as well. As well as all of the pirates who are still milling— milling about outside, and hanging out on the beach, and doing their various pirate things.
Julia: Um, Eric?
Eric: Yeah.
Julia: Can you let me know—
Eric: Uh-hmm.
Julia: —when we get to the point where one of the ships is within 500 feet?
Eric: Um, kind of, I can. I think that unless you're— you got to be looking for it and prepared to do that, because I think that's kind of part with the turn system. So if you're prepared for it, and you're looking out for it, definitely, but I think that's part of like the approximation of how long it will take for the ships to get to the island. You know what I mean?
Julia: Great. I'll set Nonny then to be an alert for me for whenever they’re within 500 feet.
Eric: Nonny takes out, God, like an astrolabe.
Julia: Yeah, adorable.
Eric: You know the astrolabe Nonny always has, its electrified, it's battery-powered.
Amanda: Uh-hmm. Uh-hmm.
Eric: And it sets up— and it can set up in a— in a tree for you.
Julia: Beautiful.
Amanda: It's the scope of her electric whip. Why does it have a scope? I hope you don't find out.
Julia: Who can say?
Amanda: Ooh.
Julia: Excellent.
Eric: She sounded like a car who didn't want to turn over.
Julia: Umbi, can you prep some bombs for when we're gonna need it?
Brandon: Oh, yeah. Well, here's— here's my thought, here's some thoughts. Can I just throw out some ideas, some thoughts—
Julia: Sure.
Brandon: —for— for the milieu.
Eric: You got plenty, plenty, plenty.
Julia: Yeah.
Brandon: Okay. So if you got shape water, we all have shape water, which is useful. I know for sure I would like to— I have timed demolition bombs, so time bombs, so I'm gonna set some landmines on the beach.
Amanda: Time bombs.
Brandon: A la D-Day. I would also— I also have the option of giving Salix a potion of growth, which would make him, I think, one category taller, and he's already a large creature, I think, right?
Eric: Salix tops out at the medium goes until, like, up to 10 feet, but large is— is like 10 feet by 10 feet squared.
Brandon: And what is he, like, normally?
Eric: Like 8, 9 feet tall.
Brandon: Okay.
Amanda: So he is the top of the medium category now?
Eric: Correct.
Brandon: Yeah, but a big, old large tree would be helpful.
Amanda: Yeah.
Brandon: But yeah, that— those are my thoughts right now.
Julia: Great. I just had another idea. One second, I have to look up a list of things.
Amanda: Cool. I think the most helpful thing for Troy to do would be to hide in a sniper's nest. I can extend my range, so that— what is normally long range is regular range for me using a risk die, so I cannot be disadvantaged on a long range shot.
Brandon: We also got Archimedes, too. You guys could like—
Amanda: Yeah.
Brandon: When one person is reloading, the other person can be shooting, you know?
Amanda: That'll be up to 400 feet. That said, I'm all for talking to Audrey and thinking that maybe she's not a foe.
Brandon: Oh, yeah, that's another option.
Eric: So I would say that each of those actions, you're kind of doing it collectively. So that was like if you want to, like, bury bombs in the sand—
Amanda: Yeah, yeah.
Eric: —that would be one action. If Troy wants to go do something, that would be one action, but that also sounds interesting.
Brandon: Well, actually, that's a fundamental question, do we want to treat her as an enemy or do we want to treat her as a friend?
Eric: Dang, Eric, why would you make that conflict? Shit. Shit.
Amanda: Fuck.
Julia: I think right now she's coming with the intention of probably fucking shit up. However, I can go meet her before she lands on shore.
Amanda: That's what I think.
Julia: Interesting. Interesting.
Amanda: Yeah. I think you should take our dinghy or whatever.
Julia: Oh, I don't need a dinghy.
Amanda: Oh, you can— you can just go?
Julia: I can just go.
Amanda: Well, I think you should just go, then. I think you should go say hi to your best friend and see what she— play her as if you're on her side and be like, "Listen, not everybody there is super stoked, but like, this is bigger than all of us," et cetera.
Julia: Uh-hmm. Uh-hmm.
Eric: My favorite part of the New Testament, and, like, I don't really know it that well, but when Jesus was like, "Nah, nah, I got this." And just kinda walked out.
Julia: Is that— is that what we want to do, by the way?
Amanda: It is. And I think, like, Jesus, Eric, you should finish your last supper by booping all of your pals on the nose and saying, "Don't you worry, pal."
Julia: Yeah. My favorite part of the New Testament also is when Jesus boops everyone on the nose and then turns into a giant shark.
Amanda: Yay.
Brandon: Fuck yes.
Amanda: Oh, witches are so cool.
Eric: How did Christianity spread without that happening? Like, what do they have going for it?
Julia: I know.
Eric: That's crazy.
Amanda: Like I know historically, it's one of those syncretism things, but it's like we wouldn't have been mad about it. It's not that pagan, it's just dope.
Brandon: Some folks were cut from the Bible, so we don't know that didn't happen, you know?
Amanda: Yeah.
Julia: We don't know that Jesus wasn't a giant shark at one point.
Eric: Dang.
Amanda: That's true. The book of Discovery Channel, Brandon, I hope we find it one day.
Brandon: Yeah.
Eric: It's more likely that Jesus was a giant shark than he was white, so I'm fine with that.
Amanda: Fair.
Julia: That's fair.
Eric: Hell yeah, dude. Alright, folks, that's great. So again, you can do this in any order. So anytime you move, because this is a JRPG, it is turn-based, right?
Julia: Sure.
Eric: So you do your action, you can choose the order you want your actions to go, and then I will move the pie accordingly. And then you guys can do that. So decide what you want to do in what order and then I'll kind of, like, activate the pie to be moved for the next turn based piece of is.
Amanda: Alright. I have— I have a few thoughts. Tell me what you guys agree with. I think that Umbi should bury some bombs, anyway.
Brandon: What are they called, Amanda?
Amanda: Time bombs.
Brandon: Thank you.
Amanda: You should bury some time bombs anyway. Can you control when they detonate or you have to set that in advance?
Brandon: Let me look.
Julia: Is there like a tripwire scenario that you could do?
Brandon: There is not a tripwire, but I can set it for any number of rounds and increments of six seconds up to one minute.
Amanda: Okay, so maybe— maybe save that, then. Maybe, you know, prep them.
Julia: Maybe closer.
Amanda: Yeah, prep them, but let's not bury them, because if you want to, like, plant something, and then like spend two turns, you know, moving and then they go off, that will be better, if we actually get into combat.
Brandon: Almost our DM wants to say like, "Oh, that's cool. We should let Brandon do that and be cool about it."
Eric: I think you have the capacity to set up some tripwire bombs, but you'd have to, like, set them up because it's not something you can naturally do.
Brandon: Like, roll on it, you mean?
Eric: You'd have to like, yeah, put the vote in action to it, roll on it, and see if it would work out. But it could be something that everyone does together, makes it happen, you know?
Brandon: I think that's worth trying.
Amanda: Because my only concern is like if— if she's friendly, and then the time bombs go off and—
Brandon: Right.
Amanda: —then she's like, "Oh, I see this as double cross." That seems worse.
Brandon: Yeah.
Amanda: So at least my— my vote is I prefer you just, like, prime a bunch of shit, prime some of my arrows, and then, like, Troy can hide with Archimedes. The thing I think we should set in advance is like, Julia, how will Cammie signal to us that this is friend versus foe? Like, your hair up versus hair down or something like that.
Julia: I think it's going to be if you see Cammie bounce, that it's probably not a good thing.
Amanda: Okay.
Eric: One if by land, up if by sea.
Amanda: Yeah.
Julia: Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Amanda: Listen, guys, this has been used as a survivor voting strategy for eons.
Eric: If it's been used in Australian Survivor and the American government, and the folklores of the American government, then we're— we got it.
Amanda: Uh-hmm. Uh-hmm.
Eric: We nailed it, we nailed it.
Julia: Yeah.
Eric: Sure.
Julia: Cammie just candy blasted into the air. It was a bad thing before she head down.
Amanda: Great. I just want us to decide.
Julia: Uh-hmm.
Eric: Lustrous goes—
Eric (as Lustrous): Bang, bang, bang. Alright. I guess we're gonna get started with the afternoon session. We did not make any progress than what we already had written down, so I think we'll just continue to work on whether or not Lucky's gonna tell us any information government— any pertinent government information or not. Let's keep working on that.
Amanda (as Troy): When is the one about lunch tomorrow?
Eric (as Lustrous): Oh, okay. We— thank you, Troy. We'll add at the bottom, lunch— lu— tomorrow's lunch, we'll add that at the bottom.
Amanda (as Troy): Yeah, there was— there was lunch break and then lunch discussion, so it's important that we—
Julia (as Cammie): There's an Armada coming this way. Why are we discussing lunch tomorrow?
Amanda (as Troy): You're right, you're right.
Julia (as Cammie): We might all be dead.
Amanda (as Troy): You're right. You're right.
Eric (as Pirates): What?!
Eric: All of the pirates stand and up and be like—
Eric (as Pirates): [talking gibberish] What? What— what are you talking about?
Brandon: And then you heard Umbi come off and say—
Brandon (as Umbi): Oh, shit! There's an armada coming!
Eric: No, no, no. I like this. Umbi was running up to— to Salix to lookout for it. It was during lunch, so now Umbi's doing it into the meeting pulled together, so Umbi has to do it again.
Amanda (as Troy): An Armada, of what? Of who?
Eric (as Salix): Well, it seems like Audrey the Rotten Queen got an invitation and she shown up.
Julia (as Cammie): I mean, that's what happens when you just kind of, like, drop a bunch from the sky.
Eric (as Salix): Wait, hold on. I want to say— I want to say my cool line. Wait, hold on, I want to say my cool line.
Amanda: Yeah, I also had a joke earlier.
Eric (as Salix): It's— it seems like Audrey the Rotten Queen is showing up fashionably late.
Brandon: That was a cool line, I do like that.
Amanda: That was a cool line. That was a very cool line.
Eric (as Salix): Thank you for the chance to say my cool line.
Amanda: Mine was just a lunch in the hand is worth two tomorrow, so I mean that's just true.
Eric (as Salix): It was more of a thinker. This is for— for the--
Julia (as Cammie): We have time for quips later.
Brandon: There's always time for quips.
Amanda (as Troy): Hang on, are we sure Audrey means harm? I mean, she's—maybe she's just coming to the meeting?
Eric (as Purple Potato): I knew it. This is what happens when we allow— when we allow Cragish imperialists into a meeting.
Amanda (as Troy): Okay. Whoa. I also don't love Hy. He gave me so many noogies when we were kids, so we have some things in common here.
Eric (as Purple Potato): The Cragish ships, they are coming! We all— we— we zip outs.
Eric: As all— as all the purple potatoes get up and scurry away.
Julia (as Cammie): Wait, wait, they're not Cragish. They're not Cragish. Just for the record, not—not the Crag ships, Audrey the Rotten Queen.
Eric (as Purple Potato): We cannot trust what any of you tell us. We have built no bridges together.
Julia (as Cammie): Okay, I guess.
Brandon: Eric, when the purp— potatoes move, do they move like that Pokemon, that sort of like does like a little wave?
Eric: Like Falinks? Yeah, yeah.
Brandon: Yes.
Eric: Yeah, they run in a— they run in a line.
Amanda: Terrifying.
Brandon: Okay, cool.
Amanda (as Troy): Excuse me, your disgrace.
Eric (as Lustrous): Go ahead, Troy.
Amanda (as Troy): There's the whole rule here that, like, we're here for a common purpose and unless someone fires on you, you don't want fire on them, right?
Eric (as Lustrous): That— that— that's exactly how the Law of the Sea works. Of course. Thank you for illustrating it, Troy.
Amanda (as Troy): Yeah. So, like, if Audrey doesn't fire on us, then there's no reason to fire on her, no?
Eric (as Lucky): Audrey, the Zombie Queen, the undead Zombie Queen? Yeah, I'm out.
Eric: Lucky Edie just pushes herself back in her chair and be like—
Eric (as Lucky): Nope. No. Bye. No, no, see you later. Deuces to you.
Julia (as Cammie): Wow. What a chicken of the woods.
Eric (as Lucky): I'm sorry. I'm sorry, what was that, that you said under your breath? What was that?
Julia (as Cammie): I— I said it out loud. I said, "Wow, what a chicken of the woods."
Eric: Lucky Edie whips her arm around and slams her knife hand into your little dais, be like—
Eric (as Lucky): I know that you like just kind of throwing your life around Willy and/or Nilly, sea witch.
Brandon: Cammie.
Amanda: Goddammit. Not you too.
Julia (as Cammie): Not Willy or Nilly.
Eric (as Lucky): But I value my relationship with the living realm, and I'm going to do anything possible to hold on to that. We've all heard about, like, how you two were sweet on each other, we've seen it. We— we've seen it, we know about it.
Julia (as Cammie): Me and who?
Eric (as Lucky): Okay.
Amanda (as Troy): Oh, I— I thought Salix. Was I wrong? I was picking up on something there.
Julia (as Cammie): They are really cute.
Amanda (as Troy): Okay.
Julia (as Cammie): So yeah, yeah.
Eric (as Salix): You’re darn tootin I am.
Eric (as Lucky): But I'm going to hold on to what I have, so I'm just going to take some steps backwards. And then we can reconvene when there's not a zombie pirate, and when there's not undead pirates moving— moving their way towards us. That's just my thing. That's my weird thing that I'm holding on to this mortal coil, and I don't know if you already out here for adventure solely, but I like adventuring, and then adventuring again later when I'm still alive. That's just like my thing.
Julia (as Cammie): That's fine. I'm sure everyone will hear about how you ran away.
Amanda (as Troy): Just don’t get in our way.
Eric: Oh, let's— let's, like, roll here, Cammie.
Julia: Yeah, what would you like?
Eric: I don't— what kind of— what kind of role would you like, my friend?
Amanda: Can Troy stand behind her holding a— a dagger to lend some assistance?
Eric: I think so. I mean, this is in public.
Julia: I can do intimidation, I could do persuasion, they're the same.
Amanda: I'd love to do intimidation.
Eric: Sure.
Julia: [dice roll] 13 plus 3.
Eric: 16.
Amanda: 12 plus 6 for an 18.
Eric: 18?
Amanda: Uh-hmm.
Julia: Pretty good.
Amanda (as Troy): And while you're at it, you can apologize.
Eric: Edie whips her arm and pulls the knife out of the dais and says—
Eric (as Lucky): I'm not running away from anything. I'm just— have this weird thing where I preserve my sense of living in life. But maybe it might be interesting to see what Audrey has to say, because you two are so close and everything. So let's see if she's not going to eat our faces off. But after that, I'm gone, not out of cowardice, but out of regular—
Julia (as Cammie): Cowardice.
Eric (as Lucky): —self-maintaining— self—regular self-maintenance, regular. The regular amount.
Julia (as Cammie): Uh-hmm. Okay.
Amanda (as Troy): I'm sorry, Cammie, for implying otherwise.
Eric: Can everyone make a perception check really quickly?
Brandon: [dice roll] Oh.
Julia: 15.
Brandon: 23, baby.
Amanda: Natural 1.
Eric: Natural 1.
Julia: Troy's just so focused on intimidating.
Eric: Troy is like, "Yeah, boy. Get 'em, Cammie.|
Amanda: Yeah, yeah.
Eric: Umbi, as you're looking around, you see that Piney has their entire bottom half through a magical window, that's smushed, just like a portal going somewhere else.
Brandon (as Umbi): Piney! Piney! Piney!
Julia: I'm not wasting another powder spell on this.
Brandon (as Umbi): Put your ass back down now! I see you, I see it!
Eric (as Piney): What?
Brandon (as Umbi): Piney!
Eric (as Piney): What? I was just going to the other side of the table, so I could see a— have a better view.
Brandon (as Umbi): Don't make me regret not killing you earlier.
Eric: You could— Umbi, because you rolled so well, through the window, you hear—
Eric (as Worker on Book Depository): Special hourly discount at the Book Depository. Two games for the price of one only for the next 60 minutes. Are you up?
Brandon (as Umbi): Did you add games to the book depo— goddammit.
Eric (as Piney): It's a— it's a real earner in the— when you're not— when people are not dea— when people are eating. We needed a new economic driver.
Brandon (as Umbi): Not only do you need to put your ass back down on the ground, but maybe yell for Tessie for some backup. We will remember this, we are pirates. We hold grudges notoriously.
Julia (as Cammie): You do owe us.
Eric (as Piney): What do— what do I owe you? What do— what do I owe you?
Brandon (as Umbi): Your life.
Julia (as Cammie): We didn't kill you, and in fact healed you when the building exploded. Who knows how that happened?
Eric: All the pirates gasp and be like—
Eric (as Pirates): They helped each other. Oh, my God. They helped each other. This is crazy.
Amanda (as Troy): I think in fact your employer/lover requested that we let her know next time we run up against Audrey.
Julia (as Cammie): I think that's true, actually. It was so long ago.
Eric (as Archie): You can kiss your— you can kiss your enemies?
Eric: Says Archie.
Amanda (as Troy): Yeah.
Julia (as Cammie): Yes, you can.
Amanda (as Troy): Yes, Archie, I'm no expert, but everyone knows that.
Brandon (as Umbi): No. Guys, no, Archie can't. No, Archie cannot.
Amanda (as Troy): Yes, he— yes he can.
Julia (as Cammie): Yes, he can.
Brandon (as Umbi): I don't think so.
Eric (as Archie): I'm going to have to add— I'm going to have to add that to my repertoire of attacks.
Amanda: Troy fist bumps him.
Eric: Nice.
Julia (as Cammie): This is a great conversation. I'm gonna go be a shark now.
Amanda (as Troy): Yeah. Archie, you want to go up make up a sniper's nest with me? If stuff breaks bad, I want us to be our first line of defense.
Eric (as Archie): I am more than happy to go with you. Where is a good spot to look out?
Amanda (as Troy): Let's climb up the skeleton, see what we get.
Eric (as Archie): Hmm.
Amanda (as Troy): It'd be cool to have like a special hand saying called the Skell, you know?
Eric (as Archie): It would. Maybe we can go, "Ah, there's bones in here."
Amanda (as Troy): Oh, that's great. I love that.
Eric (as Archie): Okay, alright. I'll be— I'll be back. I promise. I'll be back. Ma—magical promise.
Julia: Insight check.
Eric: Piney is still hanging out of the portal window and but holds a hand— holds a hand out to anyone who will grab it.
Julia: Oh. Whoa.
Brandon: What'd you roll?
Julia: Oh, sorry. I rolled a 14 on Piney saying, "I'll be back, I promise."
Brandon: Okay.
Eric (as Piney): Arcane promise, who wants it? Arcane promise?
Brandon (as Umbi): I'll take that, I'll take it.
Eric (as Piney): Okay. Arcane promise.
Brandon: And Umbi spits in his hand and then shakes.
Eric (as Piney): It works. It— it's of magic. It's a— it's a lubricant. He knows things.
Eric: And, like, purple and blue sparks kind of radiate and burst, and crackle off of— off of you two clasping your hands deeply together.
Brandon: Which isn't the magic, it— that's just what happens when Umbi spits.
Eric: It's when the magic covered with Umbi's spit. There's a little bit of gunpowder in Umbi's spit.
Amanda: Troy looks at Archimedes and says—
Amanda (as Troy): That looks like kissing.
Julia (as Cammie): It doesn't— it doesn't look like kissing. That's not what kissing looks like.
Brandon (as Umbi): Why is there so much kissing happening right now?
Eric (as Lustrous): I'm writing that down.
Amanda (as Troy): Alright, bud, let's climb up. Let's find a good spot to— to nest.
Amanda: And at any order, Troy and Archimedes can start climbing up the skeleton.
Eric: Okay, cool.
Brandon (as Umbi): Oh, your— your disgrace, Mr. Lust?
Eric (as Lustrous): Yes. I love that this is catching on.
Brandon (as Umbi): Do you know how— do you— you don't, like, control the bees at all, do you?
Eric (as Lustrous): No, it's more of a symbiotic relationship. I put out lots of sugar water and they don't stab me through the abdomen.
Amanda: Julia, if you candy blast, if it all breaks bad and it falls on the ship, what is candy made of?
Julia: Sugar?
Amanda: What do bees love?
Julia: Sugar.
Amanda: Big floating target.
Brandon: Okay, great. That's what I was thinking. Yeah.
Julia: Great.
Eric: Okay. We'll see how— we'll see how that goes.
Brandon (as Umbi): Thank you, Mr. Lust.
Amanda: Ooh.
Eric (as Lustrous): Ooh. Ooh. Ooh, I like that. Well, I was worried this was going to be boring, but I guess it's not going to. Let's see what happens.
Brandon (as Umbi): Let's see what happens for lunch tomorrow.
Eric: Wonderful. Okay, I think that everyone's off doing that stuff. What are the things you want to do? Because I think that will be the turns that you all— you all take.
Julia: I would like to turn into a giant shark.
Eric: Okay.
Julia: And swim out to Audrey.
Eric: Great. One— so turn one, Cammie turns into a giant shark. That's one piece of pie. Cammie, what does that look like?
Julia: It— I— it looks like Cammie jumps into the water and mid-air turns into a giant fucking shark in a blink of an eye.
Eric: Like— you're just like sprinting towards the sea and then you jump, like, 10 feet in the air, the steam envelops you as you polymorph, and then you turn into a giant shark. What's the plant that the shark is— is—
Julia: Ooh, great question.
Eric: Yeah, yeah. What's—what's your animal combo?
Julia: Oh, it's— it's a great white birch shark.
Brandon: Yeah, I love that.
Eric: Hell yeah! Only way to make sharks look cooler is if it was covered in white birch bark. That'd be tight as hell.
Julia: True facts.
Eric: Yeah. Fun fact, if you rip off some— some of that shark's skin, good for lighting on fire.
Brandon: That's true.
Julia: Yeah. And also for making paper.
Eric: Yeah, it's hydrophobic.
Julia: Yeah.
Amanda: Oh.
Brandon: Does it look like an animorph cover when you go into the shark?
Julia: No. It's just like a magic girl transformation.
Brandon: Oh, magical transformation? Cool. Okay.
Julia: Uh-hmm.
Eric: Yeah. Brandon, I can draw you an animorph cover of that after this.
Brandon: Would you mind?
Eric: Yeah, I'll do that right away.
Brandon: Just real quick.
Eric: That's good.
Brandon: Yeah.
Eric: Alright. Cool. So that's— that's a piece of the pie one.
Brandon: We definitely want to lay down some triggered bombs, landmine bombs.
Eric: Sure.
Brandon: Right?
Amanda: I felt iffy about it, because if— if everything's fine, and then she comes on the beach and triggers it, that would be bad.
Brandon: Well, we can just— I can just dismantle it.
Amanda: You can just disarm it? Yeah. Okay.
Brandon: Yeah, we just need to get the sign from—
Amanda: Then, yeah.
Brandon: —Cammie.
Amanda: Then I would say between, like, the point of the island where she's landing and, you know, toward the main hall would be a good place to do that trigger.
Brandon: Yeah.
Julia: I'm into it.
Eric: Sure. Yeah, you're gonna want to put it on the— on the beach that you theoretically think that she'll land on if— on a straight line?
Brandon: Yes.
Eric: Sure. Cool. Yeah, you can bury some— you can definitely bury some bombs, that— that you can definitely do for free. Umbi loves— loves burying bombs. But I think the turn would be setting up a trigger— kind of like a trigger system, what do you think?
Amanda: The tripwire, I think, right?
Brandon: Yeah, tripwire. What— is that— I forget what was in the labyrinth. Was that tripwire?
Julia: Yeah.
Brandon: Yeah. So I'll just do tripwire, then.
Eric: Sure.
Brandon: So I had some base knowledge of it from the labyrinth.
Eric: Cool, cool, cool.
Amanda: The pamphlet you may or may not have written.
Eric: Let's see how that goes. Tell me— tell me what it looks like, and then we'll roll on it using your spell casting modifier.
Brandon: It goes well. I take some—
Eric: I— I crushed it.
Julia: It goes a little something like this.
Amanda: The number is high.
Brandon: Uh-hmm. I don't— I don't actually know how this works in real life. So I assume like you put the bomb in the thing, in the ground and then you attach some, like, fishing line type stuff—
Eric: Yeah.
Amanda: Uh-hmm.
Brandon: —to the pin. And then you sort of like attach the other line to like a pinion or— or like a steak or something.
Eric: Uh-hmm.
Brandon: Yeah, and just reel it out. And then stick it in the ground and put it close to the sand, so it's not very visible, but high enough to where you can catch someone's foot.
Eric: Yeah.
Amanda: Love it.
Eric: Pull tight, for sure. I like the idea that you will have to, like, grab ingredients from, like, all the pirates hanging out. Like, you grab someone's fishing line and then you grab—
Brandon (as Umbi): Fishing line, thanks.
Eric: —you grab someone's like barbecue steaks that they were u— they were using for—
Brandon (as Umbi): Thanks for the barbecue steaks.
Amanda: For grilling.
Eric: Yeah, they were using for grilling.
Brandon (as Umbi): And a dash of sea bee jelly.
Eric: Does it stick it all together?
Amanda: Sticky.
Brandon: Uh-hmm.
Eric: Yeah, he's sticking together, he buried in the sand. For sure. Alright. Give me a roll using your spell casting modifier.
Brandon: That would be intelligence.
Eric: Sure.
Julia: Do it.
Brandon: Now, would I roll Arcana or just straight up intelligence?
Eric: This would work with your natural philosopher, so why don't you do Intelligence plus half your modifier?
Brandon: Toight.
Eric: Yeah.
Brandon: So that would be plus 6 total.
Eric: Sounds good.
Brandon: Ooh, 23, baby.
Eric: 23. Ooh, baby. that's tight. That's— it's scary, it's militaristic. It's violent in a way that everyone's like, oh, that— they'll remember, "This weird, old man also can explode me in various pieces."
Brandon: Yeah, Umbi put some sea bee jelly under his eyes.
Eric: It's intimidating. No one wants to go near this sweet, old man anymore.
Brandon (as Umbi): Don't fuck with me.
Eric: It's like—
Eric (as Archie): Oh, yeah, that— my grandfather, four star general. He buys me socks for Christmas, but also he can take apart a rifle and put it back together in three seconds.
Brandon (as Umbi): Just call me Dwight D. Eisenhower, baby.
Eric (as Archie): I don't want to. I don't want to do that.
Brandon (as Umbi): And his famous slogan, "Don't fuck with Ike."
Eric: I like that. Alright. So that is two pieces of pie. Tro— as Troy and Archie are scaling the side of the whale skeleton, something happens after turn two. Cammie, as you are— as you are shark swimming your way towards the Rotten Queen's Armada, you know, it was going pretty fast because you two are— are swimming at each other, right?
Julia: Hmm.
Eric: You see it's getting a little bit harder because it seems like they are slowing down.
Julia: Hmm. Interesting.
Eric: And maybe you notice that they're slowing down because one of the ships has some black smoke coming up from it.
Julia: Oh, interesting.
Eric: In a straight line. This isn't like fire, where it just kind of goes up and dissipates. It kind of starts to go up in a column and then at the top, almost like a smokestack, it's billowing out and it's starting to get very, very cloudy.
Brandon: Cool.
Julia: Huh. Cool. Well, while I'm a shark, my intelligence is 1, so I don't really know what that means.
Eric: You don't know what that means, but I think it's happening. And then of course, everyone on the island is seeing it's starting to get darker and darker.
Julia: Hmm.
Brandon (as Umbi): Fuck.
Julia: The shark is like, "Ooh, weather." And just keeps going.
Amanda: It doesn't affect me, I live in the water.
Eric: Incredible. Alright. Troy, you are scaling up there. I think I'll give that one to you for free. I love the idea of these two winged insectoid Greenfolk scaling the side of this giant monster skeleton—
Amanda: Uh-hmm.
Eric: —with like, long range weapons on your back.
Amanda: Yes.
Eric: Tight. Absolutely tight as hell.
Amanda: And Troy is going to try to find them a spot that is protected from the wind, gives them good visibility, but is not visible to folks approaching from the beach. So he's going to be like ducking under, peering up, like hanging upside down to, like, look at how things appear from the beach. And I want us to find a good, little nest.
Eric: This is an action adventure game, so there's like yellow parts of the skeleton because you have to jump and move from— go side to side. It's a climbing puzzle. For sure.
Amanda: Can I roll acrobatics to see how proficient?
Eric: No, you— that's for fun.
Amanda: Okay.
Eric: No, that's for fun. Don't worry about it.
Amanda: Shit.
Eric: No, it's for fun.
Amanda: I wanted to use one of the things I was good at.
Eric: You can— okay, fine. Do acroba-- roll acrobatics.
Brandon: Do it anyway, do it anyway.
Julia: No. Then you can roll a 1.
Amanda: I rolled a Natural 20—
Julia: Great.
Amanda: —plus 4.
Brandon: Oh!
Julia: Incredible.
Eric: Alright.
Amanda: No, plus 6.
Julia: Ooh.
Amanda: Proficiency plus Dex, plus 6.
Eric: Wow. Hot damn. Good job, tiny dice.
Amanda: Thank you. May I find a very good spot?
Eric: Sure. You ca— yeah, you navigate your way through. You— I think that— I was going to figure out whether or not this would take a turn, but I think that you move quickly and definitely enough. And you're able to lead Archimedes up, who's less good at this for you.
Amanda: Sure.
Eric: There is a charged moment where Archimedes slips and you reach a hand out, and Archimedes grabs— grabs your— your hand.
Amanda (as Troy): Yeah, charge of friendship, bruh. I'd never let you fall.
Eric (as Archie): I love how charged with friendship, that's momentous.
Amanda (as Troy): Yeah.
Brandon: And Archimedes tries to kiss, because he's confused about when to kiss.
Amanda (as Troy): No, thank you.
Eric (as Archie): No, you only kiss enemies.
Amanda (as Troy): No, thank you.
Eric (as Archie): Only kiss enemies.
Amanda (as Troy): Or people who want to kiss. It's okay if they like you.
Eric (as Archie): I'm learning so much.
Amanda (as Troy): Yeah.
Eric: As you pull Archimedes up, yeah. We're still at the end of turn two. You have not used something else. And now, you're up at the top. This is a desiccated giant corpse/skeleton of a monster that has been, again, acid-ed off with the high pH, low pH. I don't know. Scientists, tell me what it mean, of the— of the skeleton. There is not a lot of cover up here. Yes, it's— it's very tall, so you do have the— and you have the angle, certainly, and you can see everything very well. I think you have a pretty good sense of how far away the ships are. But you'd have to do some math if you wanted to figure out how close they are. You do see that they've stopped for a moment.
Amanda: Hmm.
Eric: The— the ships have stopped, but there isn't anywhere to, like, hide. It's a flat— this is— you're on the back, so it's just like a curved skeleton and it leads down towards where it's the tail is which goes into the water, and it's kind of farther away from the beach and everything that we've been interacting with.
Brandon: I mean, aren't death-head moths and butterflies colored that way for camouflage purposes? Could you just lay flat and like—
Amanda: Troy is more colorful, but I really liked the idea of— kind of hunkering down like just before the hump of the whale spine. So that if you're looking at us from below, up onto the spine, there's less of us visible. However, if that's not an option, I can use my time disguising us and that's certainly something Troy knows how to do, is set up like sort of sniper nest and make some disguise.
Eric: Make a— make a perception check. I think we're in— we're in turn three, let's find Troy and Archie a place to do this.
Brandon: I'm sure there's some sea bee nests around too, you know?
Eric: Yeah, if you climb o— you could also climb over to the other side and try to get in with the sea bees, but that's certainly a choice.
Amanda: 17.
Eric: Straight 17?
Amanda: Straight 17.
Eric: Okay, 17. So you're in a pretty good spot. Interesting.
Amanda: Because we can gather, like, some moths, some combs, some extra bones, and build up a little bunker.
Eric: Yeah. With a 17, I— I think we could just lock in everything that we've said. There isn't a good place to hide necessarily, but you could certainly disguise yourself if you wanted to. You could make a break over to the sea bees side and kind of get in there, but the sea bees are buzzing around, hanging out—
Amanda: No.
Eric: —doing— doing their lazy, fly around, being like—
Eric (as Sea bees): Hey, what's up? Oh, hey, what's up? We're both sea bees. What's up?
Eric: You know how bees do, they just kind of, like, go like—
Eric (as Sea bees): Hey, what's up? Have you seen any pollen lately? No? Okay.
Brandon: Buzz, buzz.
Eric: Buzz, buzz, buzz. Buzz, buzz, buzz.
Eric: You also see that you're at— you can look down on the lighthouse. You are higher than the lighthouse right now. But the lighthouse is far, is like still a medium distance away from the skeleton, but would give you another— that would give you another vantage point. But you can see into the top of the lighthouse and you see that there is— even from where you are, you see that the back part of the lighthouse has crumbled off. This is something that Umbi saw a little bit a while ago, that the crumbled off— and you see the splash of blood that is on this crevice that's been made, because 20% of the circle is just fully crumbled off.
Amanda: Troy is gonna point over at it and say—
Amanda (as Troy): Hey, Archie, so you— you didn't get a chance to go over there. It looks really scary.
Eric (as Archie): It is, it seems— it seems not ideal.
Amanda (as Troy): Who do you think shot Umbi and Cammie?
Eric (as Archie): The—
Amanda (as Troy): Like, who could have snuck in there and shot them?
Eric (as Archie): I don't have experience with shooting people from far away. Only cowards would do that, or the desperate.
Amanda (as Troy): Yeah, that's us today, desperate.
Julia: What are you rolling?
Eric: Oh, my God.
Eric (as Archie): Wait, what's that?
Eric: He point towards the lighthouse.
Amanda: Troy looks.
Eric: You see another flash of red. Not the blood on the crevice, but— you see a flash of red not the flash of red of the blood, but moving behind the lighthouse to get out of your line of sight.
Amanda (as Troy): Archie, watch the ship, tell me if any candy comes out.
Amanda: And then he's— he's gonna—
Eric (as Archie): What?
Amanda (as Troy): Yup. You'll know when you see it.
Amanda: And then he's gonna focus down—
Eric (as Archie): Is that a euphemism?
Amanda (as Troy): Nope.
Julia: No.
Amanda: Focus down the scope of his crossbow toward the lighthouse. And Troy's going to spend his active energy trying to seek out, identify who's behind that.
Eric: Okay. Give me a perception check with advantage because you're looking through a sniper scope.
Amanda: Alright.
Eric: And you're devoting your turn three to this.
Julia: Damn right. Damn right, dude.
Brandon: Fuck yeah.
Amanda: Alright. That was a 19 and a natural 1, so let's say a 19 flat.
Julia: Pretty good.
Brandon: You don't have any perception?
Amanda: I have no perception, so that's just a 19.
Brandon: Jesus Christ.
Julia: It's a wisdom thing, Brandon.
Brandon: Oh, right. Yeah, yeah.
Amanda: Don't worry. Next time we level up, Troy's getting some wisdom.
Eric: Alright. Let's see what happens. [dice roll]
Brandon: Eric rolled badly. Eric rolled badly.
Julia: Hopefully.
Eric: Well, that makes sense. Okay.
Brandon: Eric, remember when you said earlier before we started that you—
Julia: No, shh. The dice are telling a story, Brandon, and I want to hear it.
Eric: The dice are telling a story. What can I say? And the— the dice are right. Honestly, the dice are correct. You can see through the model glass of the lighthouse. So you— some— it is an old lighthouse as Umbi was up there, you know? There's the mirror, that mirror that turned around, but also the light gets reflected as it's through— through the glass of the top of the lighthouse, right? You see a blood stain bandage kind of wrapped around a Greenfolk's head and peeking out through the bandage is a red tulip flower.
Brandon: That—
Amanda: Vindication.
Brandon: —fucking piece of shit.
Amanda: Troy clutches at his heart.
Julia: This is the person that should have found out. I feel very vindicated, but Troy's the one that should have confirmed it, so it's perfect.
Amanda (as Troy): Archie.
Eric (as Archie): Troy.
Amanda (as Troy): I am going to turn away from the lighthouse, and turn toward the ship, and deal with this oncoming threat. And then I'm gonna need you to help me deal with an old friend.
Eric (as Archie): I understand this is an emotional moment, but only if it doesn't interfere with the things that I care about. I'm not a reliable person. Don't rely on me.
Brandon: Classic Archie.
Eric (as Archie): I'm self-aware enough to know I'm not reliable.
Julia: That's fair.
Amanda: Troy's gonna take out one of his arrows and start writing a note.
Brandon: Ooh.
Eric: Okay.
Amanda: He is going to scribble a quick note, spirit with the arrow, and easy as anything, shoot it right at that flash of red and the lighthouse, or just above it.
Brandon: The note is just like a sad face.
Eric: The arrow sticks clean into the lighthouse.
Amanda: And then he turns his shoulder and watches the fleet.
Eric: Alright. Troy, it's getting darker and darker and darker. I think everyone— as you guys are all setting up it, is now no longer daytime. It is— feels fully night as these dark clouds coming up from this black smokestack. The— these clouds are getting darker and more opaque, and the sky is fully dark.
Brandon: That's so fucking cool. I wish I could do that.
Amanda: Awesome. Yeah.
Brandon (as Umbi): That's so fucking cool. I wish I could do that.
Eric: It is now the end of turn three.
[theme]
Amanda: Hello, hello. It's Amanda. I hope those of you in the path of the eclipse had a wonderful time viewing it safely yesterday. And I want to welcome our newest patrons to the Join the Party fam. I was trying to think of a— an eclipse pun and— and maybe your each total eclipse of the sun, Lesley and Samantha, welcome. We are only able to make the show with all of the time and love and energy that we do because of your support. For just five bucks a month, you too can know that you are making this show possible and join the best place on the internet, which is our patron-only Discord at patreon.com/jointhepartypod. If you want things, like, fun in person content that we recorded while on the tour, that is our biweekly podcast, Party Planning, all of that and more, and ad-free episodes and other goodies available at patreon.com/jointhepartypod. By the way, folks, we are doing a quick survey to ask where you live and where we should do our next slate of live shows. Whether you live in the US or other countries, we would love for you to fill it out. There is a link in the episode description, so go on ahead, click it and give us— it just takes, you know, 30 seconds of your time. We're basically asking both where you live, and also what cities we could perform in that you would be excited to go to. So if you, like, have family in a certain city, or you could drive there, or it's like accessible by train, or you want an excuse to visit a particular new city. I've never been to New Orleans, for example, that'll be amazing. Let us know. That way we can plan where our next tour might go. This week in Multitude, Spirits is a history and comedy podcast, focused on everything folklore, mythology, and the occult. I saw a professor recently who was like, "Oh, by the way, I love Spirits." And I was like, "Excuse me?." And I had to tell Julia immediately that an actual professor, I don't think of folklore, but of journalism, thought that her research is cool and good, which is incredibly lovely. And if you also want a kind of heads-up on what sorts of, I don't know, spooky challenges or cool monsters might be coming our way, because there have been a couple of things drawn from Spirits episodes or mythology that make their way to Join the Party. That is a great reason to check it out. Dive in with any of the almost 400 episodes we've released over the last eight years. Go to spiritspodcast.com or search Spirits in your podcast app. We are sponsored this week by Volante Designs. If you are looking for gear that makes you feel like a badass, like an NPC, like somebody who is kind of starring in their own video game at all times, you gotta check out Volante Design. I saw more than one Volante Design piece while we were on the road. God, it was so much fun. I love them so much. And whether you are looking for, like, officially licensed gear from franchises like Assassin's Creed, Devil May Cry, and Star Trek, or some of their original collections like their cyberpunk and modern ninja lines, you gotta check them out. I promise, they're so beautiful. Go to volantedesign.us, and they've been kind enough to give us a discount code, which they normally don't do. So you can use the code Join the Party for 10% off your entire order. That's Join the Party, all one word, for 10% off your entire order at volantedesign.us. We are also sponsored by Shaker & Spoon, a subscription cocktail service that helps you learn how to make handcrafted cocktails right at home. I feel so fancy whenever I get new Shaker & Spoon box, because they come with extremely cool, little like tinctures, and bitters, and washes, and spices, and all kinds of ingredients, not just that are perfectly proportioned so that I can make exactly 12 drinks at home, four of three different craft cocktail recipes made by world-class mixologists, don't you forget it. But also the bottles are adorable. And I can try like— ooh, you know what? I never would have bought like a six ounce bottle of mole bitters, but like this little, teeny, tiny dropper makes me really excited to try it. And that's their whole thing, is helping you level up your home bartending skills, while also enjoying new spirits and techniques. So if you want to get $20 off your first box, that is a great deal, folks, go to shakerandspoon.com/jointheparty. That's shakerandspoon.com/jointheparty. And now, let's get back to the show.
[theme]
Eric: It is now the start of turn four. Cammie, you noticed that the ships are moving again. It seems like they pause to get this smokestack going. And now, they're moving again towards you, so you are getting— you're still getting some movement forward.
Julia: Am I nearly there? Because I can go 100 feet every six seconds.
Eric: Yeah, no, it—
Brandon: Holy shit.
Julia: Cool.
Eric: Yeah, you're— you're— you're getting close.
Julia: Okay.
Brandon: That's a fucking fast shark.
Julia: Yeah.
Amanda: Is that based on reality?
Julia: So the swim speed is 50 feet, I'm assuming I'm dashing because I'm not taking any other actions.
Eric: Yeah.
Julia: That's 100 feet per turn, which is six seconds.
Eric: Yeah. Yeah. You're as fast as a large pirate ship. Yeah, 100%.
Julia: Yeah.
Eric: Yeah.
Julia: 100%. I'm also size huge.
Eric: Hu— huge.
Amanda: Oh, no.
Julia: Huge.
Eric: Cool. Cammie at this point, you see there are some smaller ships go [sploosh] off the sides of the larger ships, and some people are zooming forward.
Brandon: Did they, like, launch out of it, off of the boat?
Eric: Yeah, yeah, they are— they are—they're coming—
Brandon: Cool.
Julia: Down from holders.
Eric: Yeah, they're coming down and there are— there are some scout ships that are moving— that are moving forward, one of which is moving towards you.
Julia: Cool. I'm just gonna swim under it.
Eric: Okay. [dice roll]
Amanda: Yeah, the prowl of the leading ship, that's where— that's where your girl would be.
Eric: Yeah. Give me a dexterity— a dexterity check.
Brandon: I asked Chat and apparently that is 68 miles per hour.
Amanda: Oh, boy.
Eric: That's fast.
Julia: I only rolled a 12.
Eric (as Greenfolk): Ohhh!! Sha— shark in the water! Watch out, shark in the water!
Eric: [splash] Cammie, as you're swimming around harpoons shoot by you. [shots] You know that cool way how like when harp— when— when things go from the air to the water, they, like, make a cool sound.
Amanda: Oh, yeah.
Eric: [explosion] And Cammie, as you're swimming, you're— you don't get hit, but they— they did see you.
Julia (as Cammie): Okay. I'm a pretty big shark. It would be surprising if they didn't see me.
Eric (as Greenfolk): Shark in the water!
Eric: And you also see that one— a greenfolk fall— a— a rotten Greenfolk falls over—falls into the water.
Julia: The temptation is so strong, but I do not eat him.
Eric: Cammie's shark eyes get really big.
Julia (as Cammie): The blood lust is overwhelming.
Eric: Yeah. Cammie, where are you going? Where— what are you doing?
Julia: I want to go for the flagship, wherever that one seems to be.
Eric: You're going to the flagship?
Julia: Uh-hmm.
Amanda: Whoa. Is that where that comes from?
Brandon: Oh!
Julia: Yeah. Yeah.
Amanda: That's Amanda, not Troy. That's awesome.
Julia: Yeah, bro.
Brandon: Learn some new every day.
Amanda: Learn some new every day.
Julia: Now, sharks have incredible sense of smell.
Eric: Yeah.
Julia: Cammie famously senses magic via smell.
Eric: Sure.
Julia: I would like to focus my sense of smell on the scent that I know is Audrey the Rotten Queen, which is that like necromancy smell.
Eric: Yeah. It smells like someone left food in the fridge for too long.
Julia: Yes.
Eric: Or, like, you come over a hill and you realize you're in a decomposing plant.
Julia: Uh-hmm.
Brandon: I'm sure that's a shark's favorite smell too, like rotten meat kind of situation.
Amanda: Yum, yum.
Eric: Yup. You— yeah, you know exactly where you're going. Yeah, Cammie, you're making a beeline, or a shark line, or a bee shark line.
Brandon: A sea bee line.
Eric: Or a bark— a bark sheet— a bark shark line.
Brandon: A bark shark line?
Eric: Bark shark. You're making a bark shark line to the flagship which you can sniff out. For sure.
Julia: Cool.
Eric: Back on land, Umbi, Troy, you want to do anything?
Amanda: Dog woodhead shark.
Brandon: That's pretty good.
Julia: Pretty good.
Brandon: I like that.
Eric: Oh, that's pretty good.
Brandon: I have some thoughts, but Amanda, tell me if you have some ideas, too.
Amanda: No ideas. Troy is just gonna keep his crossbow trained on whatever it looks like it could be a threat to Cammie, so right answer, people with harpoons.
Brandon: Okay, cool.
Julia (as Cammie): Thanks, Troy.
Brandon: If I can, if you'll allow me, I do think I want to give a potion of growth to Salix.
Eric: Sure.
Brandon: And it gives you the enlarge feature. And Eric, I did look up just to triple check—
Eric: Yeah.
Brandon: —how big a Salix alba tree is.
Eric: Uh-huh.
Brandon: And it doesn't really map on to DnD, well, so do with it what you will.
Eric: Sure.
Brandon: But it can go up to like 70 to 90 feet at its max.
Amanda: Oh.
Eric: Cool.
Julia: Uh-hmm. Uh-hmm.
Brandon: So it's— it's a very large tree at maturity. So whatever stage you want to look at, it's one stage more with the enlarged spell.
Julia: Getting out the DM screen.
Eric: No, that's cool.
Julia: That's what we would call gargantuan.
Brandon: Gargantuan is only 20 by 20, so like—
Amanda: What?
Julia: It's 20 plus.
Amanda: Oh.
Brandon: Oh, okay. But also says it's a Kraken, which like I don't think a tree is as big as a Kraken, so I don't know if it maps perfectly.
Eric: No, it doesn't. And also, like, the humanoids— because that was always the thing. It's like a medium-sized— like most of your p— al— almost all of your PCs, unless you're explicitly playing a little guy, are medium, which is why it's four to, like, nine feet, because it goes from, like, halfling to orc, theoretically.
Brandon: Right, right.
Eric: So it's like— and I always thought— and then I thought similarly about Greenfolk, right? It's like, you know, you're gonna have a tiny, little guy, you— or a blueberry Joel, if you remember him, that was the same as Salix, right there—
Brandon: How can we forget?
Eric: I know. Remember all the way from Episode One?
Amanda: Sing us a song, you're the Berryman. Sing us a song tonight. We're all in the mood for some lemon juice. You got us feeling, alright.
Julia: Got us feeling alright.
Eric: Paul is a real estate juicerist…Davey— here's the thing, Davey was in the Navy and he probably will be for life. I'll tell you that much.
Amanda: Yeah, that's true.
Eric: Yeah, I think— well, I mean, so medium is up to 10 feet, and Salix was already a wide and deep character.
Brandon: Right.
Eric: So I mean we're talking if— if you— if Salix takes this, then Salix is gonna be like, yeah, 15 by 15, 18 by 18, 20 by 20.
Brandon: Like a big— like a giant size in Lord of the Rings terms.
Amanda: Uh-hmm.
Eric: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. That's—that's the top of large in— in Derblins and Derblins.
Brandon: Great. I want to offer that to Salix. Obviously, I can't make him drink, but I'd be like—
Brandon (as Umbi): Hey, Salix, you wanted to get real fucking big? You want to get swoll?
Eric (as Salix): That's— that's a tempting offer. I do have a code where I don't take random potions from old men who offer them for me without asking them where they came from.
Brandon (as Umbi): Weird but very smart, actually,
Julia: I don't know. I think that's a good policy to have.
Brandon (as Umbi): Yeah, a good policy.
Eric (as Salix): Lust— Lustrous, can— here, can you plea— I would refer you to my lawyer, Lustrous.
Eric (as Lustrous): What's in the— what's in this? Why does this look like a Jager bomb? Do you drop it, you have to drink it quickly?
Brandon (as Umbi): I mean, you don't have to, but it tastes better when you drink it quickly.
Eric (as Lustrous): Or that it will— it will curdle?
Brandon (as Umbi): It doesn't curdle. It just like— it do— goes down smooth when you're drinking.
Julia: I think it curdles.
Brandon (as Umbi): You're not here, shark.
Julia: I know. That was Julia. That was Julia saying that.
Brandon (as Umbi): Yeah. But yeah, it's gonna make you big. It's going to take you from your current size to one size bigger. And then if any of the—any of those fuckers come up on shore, you can use your big, ol' arms and smack them away.
Eric (as Lustrous): Umbi, you've— you've been doing this for even longer than I have. The first thing that I learned, once I went off into my second journey, my third path, is I knew that I should ask questions from people who I thought might have more experience than me, which is most. So I'd have to ask, Umbi, what do you think is going to happen?
Brandon (as Umbi): With Audrey or with Salix?
Eric (as Lustrous): No. The— I belie— I believe you. Hopefully, there's no—so I'm gonna ask you about side effects after this. What—
Brandon (as Umbi): Okay.
Eric (as Lustrous): —do you think Audrey wants?
Brandon (as Umbi): I don't— I don't know, but all I— all I know about— all I know about Audrey is that what— we've seen, which is Audrey is trying to take territory and probably bump off competition to taking that territory. And you know where we are right now? An island full of her co— fucking competition.
Eric (as Lustrous): Hmm.
Brandon (as Umbi): So I— the only reason that any Greenfolk gets to as old as I am, is by not fucking taking chances.
Eric (as Lustrous): Umbi, did you ever work in government? Gov— do you work in government?
Brandon (as Umbi): I did, and it fucking didn't work.
Eric (as Lustrous): Because wha— why? Why didn't it work?
Brandon (as Umbi): Because no one fucking listens to each other. They just say like, "Oh, it's a good idea." And then when they go back, they say, "Oh, that's not politically helpful, and so let's not do it." And so they take—they don't do the good ideas, they just say, "You know, vote for me because my opponent didn't want to do the good idea."
Eric (as Lustrous): Right. Not doing something is an active choice.
Brandon (as Umbi): Yeah, that.
Eric (as Lustrous): Huh.
Brandon (as Umbi): I was a lot more eloquent back in the Senate.
Eric: We cut back to 60 years, the Over— in the Overstalk Senate when you're the—
Brandon (as Umbi): So madam, I am representative Umbi here to speak on behalf of my people.
Julia: Is that what you sound like when you were young?
Brandon (as Umbi): Yeah, I did, Julia.
Eric (as Lustrous): It's— Salix, keep— go ahead. I'll be in my thinking quarters.
Brandon (as Umbi): Where— what do you have to think about, Mr. Lust?
Julia: Why do we keep calling him that?
Eric (as Lustrous): I think— I leave the things that people are best at to the things they're best at. You make sure we don't all get turned into zombie and I'll know what we're going to do after that. Thank you. U— Umbi, Umbi?
Brandon (as Umbi): Yeah.
Eric: He holds your head and in one lar—in one large hand.
Eric (as Lustrous): You do good out there.
Brandon: Can I roll an insight check and just see if I get any sort of like— I guess the question is like I know he's not lying to me, but—
Amanda: Since his motivation—
Brandon: —do I get the hint that he's gonna, like, self-sacrifice or something?
Amanda: Yeah.
Eric: Sure. Yeah.
Brandon: 19 total. What up, y'all? I'm be— I'm the fucking best roller in the West!
Eric: 19.
Amanda: 5 minutes later.
Julia: 5 minutes later.
Brandon: I got a negative 6. Is that good?
Eric: Can you do a hard move against me?
Amanda: What's Lustrous' mood as he's saying this? Is that a good question?
Brandon: Yeah.
Eric: Lustriou— yeah. Lustrous is pensive. He went from as panicked as a man of leisure can be to— he's rolling something around in his head, he's chewing on something. And you see him retreat back towards his living quarters, which is an incredibly raised, like, cabin, but it's on like stilts. It's like he got here three days earlier and building— set up like a really sick tent, but it's like 20 feet off the grates— it's like a cabin, but it's like 20 feet off the ground and it's made all out of island accouterments.
Brandon: I mean, you gotta get— the—the place where you put the sugar water gotta be up where the bees are.
Eric: Yeah. Yeah, exactly. There's like a lot of Swiss Family Robinson-ass treehouse stuff going on. There's a pulley system. There's water dribbling down in various places through various—
Julia: How long has he been here?
Amanda: Gotta have a water feature.
Brandon: Every time the camera pans to it, it's like— like dramatic dark music, like dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun. And then it hits the thing and it's like just xylophone coconut tones and—
Eric: He— he turns on a light because it's dark out, so now it's like glowing from the inside.
Julia: He's an interesting guy because he got saved for something he believes, so—
Brandon: That's true. Yeah. Yeah, the— I guess the question I have— as well is like— he's not this— doesn't seem deceptive, right? Like, he's not— I don't get the inclination that he's on the side of Audrey.
Eric: No, no. There's like— I think that the best-case politicians maybe were— this is how Americans felt about Obama for a while, is like, you know, this guy might actually make some change, like he's charisma— there— that is literally charisma, more than what we see in Dungeons & Dragons or what we see from like Hucksters. There's a real charisma in saying, "I don't understand anything of what you're saying, but I really do think that you have my best intentions at heart. I think you— I just gotta let you do your thing." He—
Brandon: Yeah.
Eric: He is an eccentric, but you trust that he's gonna go do his thing, and maybe come back, and help you out.
Brandon: Okay, cool.
Eric: Yeah.
Brandon: That is great to hear. I assume he walks away towards his house?
Eric: Yeah, he— while he goes towards his house. And Salix is like—
Eric (as Salix): Alright, I'll hold on to this until it's pertent.
Brandon (as Umbi): Yeah. Fucking bottoms up, whatever you want. And also, just so you know, you get advantage of strength checks and saving throws, and any weapons that you have grow as well in size. And while they're— while you're big, your attacks deal 1D4 extra damage.
Eric (as Salix): Interesting. Cool.
Brandon (as Umbi): Yeah. Fuck yeah, man.
Eric (as Salix): I'll be rolling more dice than I usually do.
Brandon (as Umbi): Yeah, roll them bones.
Eric (as Salix): Roll them bones.
Eric: Sure. Alright, that is the end of turn four. The smokestack has stopped, but then it is fully feels like night outside. It is dark, it is stormy. The wind has abated as well, it is still. There's still like— you also see that there's still like birds and butterflies out. It's cra— it's weird, it's weird.
Brandon: It's like a solar eclipse-- Julia's—
Eric: It's like a solar eclipse situation. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Julia: Sorry, I'm just swimming.
Brandon: Julia is— I feel so bad for people who can't watch us because Julia is just swimming in the— in the air right now.
Julia: Just swimming.
Eric: Okay. Turn five. Alright, Cammie— Cammie, you are at the flagship.
Julia: Cool. I'm gonna launch myself out of the water and then come out a polymorph. And just land on—
Eric: You just— you just jump on this—
Julia: And just land on the deck and be like—
Julia (as Cammie): Hi, I'm Cammie. I'm here to see Audrey.
Eric: Okay, sure. Yeah, dude. Yeah. So you shoot out of the— you shoot out of the water. I like this because the all of the ships are still moving. About this time, at the end of turn four going into turn five, Umbi and Troy, you can see that the shi— the Armada has spread out. There's about 10 chips here and now they're making as much of a ring as possible around the island. I think that they can kind of cover one-half of— the back half. We're talking about with the— the tail side of the island there and a half moon surrounding the island.
Brandon: Fuck.
Eric: And that is when Cammie bursts out of the water, jumping up 20, 30— 20, 30 feet. You turn back into a person while— when you land you land.
Julia: Uh-hmm.
Brandon: Did you do, like, any cool flips or anything?
Julia: No.
Brandon: Okay.
Julia: I just float down like a little Mary Poppins.
Brandon: I love that. That's cool.
Eric: A shark shoots up in the water, you turn back into Cammie, and you float down.
Julia (as Cammie): Hi, I'm Cammie.
Eric: Yeah. And all of the pirates on deck go, "Yarr!" With all their— all their— all their swords out. Cammie, this is a full zombie pirate crew. You are looking at the various types of Greenfolk, the— the insectoid, the greenery, the flora and the produce, and they're all just nasty, nasty boys. They are rotten and dry, and just absolutely gross.
Julia (as Cammie): I'm here to parlay with your captain, Audrey the Rotten Queen.
Eric (as Radbert): Everyone knows no one goes through Audrey without having an appointment.
Julia (as Cammie): I'm her best friend.
Brandon: That piece of shit is on the boat?
Eric (as Radbert): Alright. Well, let's see— let's see, wait— let's see if you're in the appointment book.
Eric: As you see Radbert in his big, oversized armor, now fully with a halberd up, and you see just the floating dandelion pollen in there.
Julia: Uh-hmm. Uh-hmm.
Eric (as Radbert): I'm— I'm— I'm very important.
Brandon: Clearly.
Eric (as Radbert): I keep all— I keep— I'm— I'm the head of operations. Yeah. Yeah.
Brandon: It's not a vanity title at all. Yeah, it's fine.
Eric (as Radbert): Second mate and COO. Alright. Okay. Who— oh, I remember you. Are you Umbi?
Julia (as Cammie): No, and you know that.
Eric (as Radbert): I do. I was just being a bitch.
Julia (as Cammie): Yup.
Eric (as Radbert): Alright. Yeah, no one goes to Aud— Audrey without an appointment, especially if you jump on— if you jump on ship, just with like a— like a weird— like a shark middle-aged woman.
Julia (as Cammie): Well, I came here in peace to parlay. May I see your captain under the laws of pirating?
Eric (as Audrey): You know, we— we function by a different set of rules. You know, and the undead have a— have an extra expansion pack, so there's other rules that we have to consider. The rules of— more of— the more— those living on the planter's mortal coil is, you know, the seed to flower to— to wealth is kind of boring, isn't it? Yeah.
Julia (as Cammie): Okay. Um, I mean, I'll just go see her, if you're not gonna let me go see her. But I would like to do this peacefully.
Eric (as Audrey): Radbert, come on. Stomp. Stomp. Stomp.
Eric: From the back of the ship, you hear a familiar voice. Someone you haven't heard in such a long time.
Eric (as Audrey): Radbert, come on. She came all this way, the least we can do is hear her out.
Eric: As Audrey the Rotten Queen, this wilted teenage dandelion in her pot, hops and drags herself down from the wheel and hops down onto the deck.
Eric (as Audrey): Alright, everyone, take five. Let's back— let's all back up. Yeah, good. Hey, everyone, good job. That's exactly what you do when someone jumps on ship. You're right. Every— good job, that wa— we— we've practiced it, and I'm glad that we all figured it out. Everyone, you can just take some steps back. Don't go away, no one— don't fall apart. Don't fall apart.
Brandon (as Zombie): Okay. We won't.
Eric (as Audrey): Just take a few steps back. Okay.
Brandon (as Zombie): Did a great job. High five, everybody.
Eric (as Radbert): Oh, yeah.
Julia (as Cammie): Yeah. It was very impressive. Like their reaction time, pretty solid.
Eric (as Audrey): I mean, I've— I've worked on them pretty well. You know, you— when you take over as many islands as I have, you get your pick of the best bodies that still stay together and how much— if there's still some— some gray matter stuck in there, they follow direction. Quite well, actually.
Julia (as Cammie): Some excellent magic, yes.
Eric: Audrey hops down on the deck. Radbert standing a few paces behind her. And like this— this crew of zombie pirates give you a wide berth around— around all of you. But now, they're just like crowded around, like watching a dance circle.
Brandon: Is Radbert a zombie?
Eric (as Radbert): I mean, you know, however you want to call it.
Brandon: Pervert.
Amanda: From the sniper's nest, Troy is like sharing the scope with Archie, their eyes are really close together, as he's like—
Amanda (as Troy): Whoa. Look at her. That's Audrey, look.
Eric (as Archie): I haven't seen her up close. She's a child—
Amanda (as Troy): Younger— younger than I thought.
Eric (as Archie): Why is she a child?
Amanda (as Troy): Yeah. Yeah, I know. Much younger than I thought. Wow.
Eric (as Archie): And I'm saying this as someone who was raised by my den mothers from as soon as I could walk to start being the builder. I'm—even I'm saying this.
Amanda (as Troy): Yeah. You know, Archie, we have a lot in common, because it was the same for me, but it was like if too many of your brothers die, like, such to the extent that all of us are really worried, then it'll be you, Troy. So, like, we're basically the same.
Eric (as Archie): I hadn't— I hadn't considered that, how similar we were.
Amanda (as Troy): Yeah. Yeah.
Julia: Wow, he's gonna bond with another member of the crew that isn't me, I get it.
Eric (as Audrey): Cammie!
Julia (as Cammie): Audrey!
Eric (as Audrey): Oh, my God. I feel like you know we've just been missing each other so much.
Julia (as Cammie): Like, ships in the night.
Eric (as Audrey): True like ships, like a regular pirate ship and a zombie pirate ship steered by me, Audrey the Rotten Queen in the night.
Julia (as Cammie): Yeah. Yeah.
Eric (as Audrey): Yeah.
Julia (as Cammie): It's so nice to, like, finally get to meet you in person.
Eric (as Audrey): Yeah. It's— I'm like a big fan, love what you're doing. There was so— the Bullseye Games, really great. Love the— whole your whole thing.
Julia (as Cammie): Yeah, really tried to not let the— they asked all the works for you do the thing that he did, but, um, I—
Eric (as Audrey): Oh, you tried, but, you know, I got good people, you got good people. Yeah.
Julia (as Cammie): Yeah. I suppose. So—
Eric (as Audrey): Yeah. We really— we staffed up really well after that. There were really lots of good candidates.
Julia (as Cammie): I'm not surprised.
Eric (as Audrey): Thank you for that. It's— it's nice. That it was just like—it was a nice thing to do.
Amanda: You noticed that a bunch of the— the zombie crew have like Bullseye Games buttons and like—
Brandon: Hatches.
Amanda: —things like foam fingers.
Julia: Merch.
Eric: Oh, yeah.
Brandon: A box of popcorn.
Julia (as Cammie): So I came out here mostly just to chat, get to meet you.
Eric (as Audrey): Yeah.
Julia (as Cammie): I wanted to see what your plans were, re— kind of coming with a huge Armada towards where a bunch of pirates were meeting.
Eric (as Audrey): Uh-hmm.
Julia (as Cammie): And then, you know, see if we could work out a deal in which a lot of the people that I enjoy spending time with don't die.
Eric (as Audrey): Yeah. I mean, I want to— you know, I got— I saw the invite. I don't have a key, but I would love to have one.
Julia (as Cammie): Uh-hmm.
Eric (as Audrey): You know, it'd be— it'd be really neat and cool for me.
Julia (as Cammie): Yeah. What would you wish for with the salmon?
Eric (as Audrey): I already live in a dream, so it's hard to—
Julia (as Cammie): Oh.
Eric (as Audrey): —hard to say, hard to say.
Eric (as Radbert): And you have everything you want.
Eric (as Audrey): Okay. Alright, Radbert. Alright, Radbert. Okay. Okay. Thank you. Radbert, I love that you're supporting me, but that's— it's— it's okay.
Julia: Cammie's gets like a little close to Audrey and, like kind of whispers in her ear, and be like—
Julia (as Cammie): How attached are you to him? Because like, I'm just— I'm just curious, you know.
Eric (as Audrey): Very, very. He's very good at what he does. Because, like, now I know what the inside of your ship looks like.
Julia (as Cammie): Uh-hmm. Yeah. You do know what the inside of our ship looks like, because of those spores that— you know, those little onion men used.
Eric (as Audrey): Yeah. No, I thought that was super funny, because, like, you know, pirates they're so— they just like love grabbing was exactly in front of them. They like— they see a weird chess and—
Julia (as Cammie): They're gonna look around.
Eric (as Audrey): Yeah, and the merchants are like, "Oh, look at— oh, look at this magic thing. I bet I could sell it." And the pirates are like, "Oh, look at this magic thing. I bet I could use it to steal stuff from other people." And then they did, and then now like, I see— like your bed looks so comfy.
Julia (as Cammie): It is.
Eric (as Audrey): Like, oh, I— the tapestries, and also, I didn't know that Umbi kept a journal, that's cool. And it was just like— your doctor, cutie, like so—
Julia (as Cammie): He's much cuter now that his voice got real deep and he no longer worships the planter.
Eric (as Audrey): Oh, yeah. Yeah. I mean, we all go through— we go through a religious space, for sure. Yeah. So it's like— it was just— it was nice. I was like— you know, I know that you have a key, I didn't see it, but you know, it'll be cool. But I didn't want— I just wanted to, like, check out, see what's going on. I want to meet everybody. It seems like everyone's just kind of have been avoiding me, so—
Julia (as Cammie): Well, I think a lot of people are just intimidated by your success and the fact that you're conquering—
Eric (as Audrey): Sure.
Julia (as Cammie): —a bunch of islands and then turning all the people there into zombies.
Eric (as Audrey): Yeah.
Julia (as Cammie): Which can be intimidating sometimes. Like, people are afraid of women who are in power.
Eric (as Audrey): Yeah, for sure. For sure. I mean, they don't even know the half of it. So it's like— it's just like the idea of like—
Julia (as Cammie): What's the other half?
Eric (as Audrey): Oh, I can't tell you.
Julia (as Cammie): Why not? We're friends.
Eric (as Audrey): Yeah, but, like, you also want me to die.
Julia (as Cammie): No, I don't.
Eric (as Audrey): Cammie.
Julia (as Cammie): I genuinely don't.
Eric (as Audrey): Okay, I mean, most people do.
Julia (as Cammie): Roll— roll insight, Audrey.
Eric (as Audrey): Sure.
Julia (as Cammie): I genuinely don't.
Eric: Alright. I mean, you don't— you don't?
Julia: I genuinely don't.
Eric: Alright.
Eric (as Audrey): Oh, yeah. I'm surprised. I— most people do.
Julia (as Cammie): Yeah.
Eric (as Audrey): It's just like you and the few— you're one of the only few people who I've— who I've met who don't want me to not be here, to not be doing my thing.
Julia (as Cammie): Well, I mean, there's a difference between I would— I think that, like, maybe you shouldn't be taking over islands and then turning everyone into zombies, but that doesn't mean I want you to die.
Eric (as Audrey): Well, I mean, no— no disrespect, because I know you're— you're pirating and everything, but do— it seems like pirates don't know what they're doing. How many years— it's 50 years, and we haven't found— and then we haven't turned the Cascade back on. Like, it seems like you don't know what you're doing. We need a stern hand and a— and a strong idea to deal with this and, you know, a lot of people agree with me, so that's why I'm just kind of doing what I'm doing.
Julia (as Cammie): Well, I think that was kind of— and, you know, this is an offense to you. You're a very intimidating person in the fact that you are successful at what you're trying to do. But I think you showing up here— and the point of this was to kind of like get all the pirates together to agree on a course of action.
Eric (as Audrey): Uh-huh.
Julia (as Cammie): And you showing up, you're scaring the bejesus out of them.
Eric (as Audrey): Well, I just wanted to be a part of the course of action. I wanted to be there, that I'm coming to the thing.
Julia (as Cammie): I totally agree. I think— Audrey, if you'll allow me, maybe if you leave your ships here, you come, you can bring Ratbert, so you're not feeling unprotected or unsafe, I will vouch for you. And you can have your voice in this discussion that we're gonna have.
Eric (as Audrey): That's so funny. I was just gonna— that's what I was just about to do.
Julia (as Cammie): Really?
Eric (as Audrey): We're just like on the exactly the same page.
Julia (as Cammie): Amazing.
Eric (as Audrey): That's so wild.
Julia (as Cammie): What's up with the giant smokestack thing, by the way?
Eric (as Audrey): Oh. It's like a thing that I do. It kind of— it allows us to come under cover at night and, you know, just— you know, take care of business as we need to do it. Standard operating procedure, like I— you know, I have my advisors who tell me that we should do it and we have, you know, a few— a few dark magicians here that we can help wo— work around that stuff, so.
Julia (as Cammie): Sure, sure.
Eric (as Audrey): Yeah. Yeah. So it's like just— it's our thing. It's kind of our brand, our thing, so people know us, so people know Audrey is coming.
Julia (as Cammie): Cool. So here's what I'm gonna suggest.
Eric (as Audrey): Uh-huh.
Julia (as Cammie): You get within 500 feet of the island.
Eric (as Audrey): Okay.
Julia (as Cammie): I safely bring you to shore.
Eric (as Audrey): Okay.
Julia (as Cammie): We can all get together and have a safe conversation about what we as pirates on the Great Salt Sea can do in order to move forward and band together.
Eric (as Audrey): Uh-huh.
Julia (as Cammie): And then everyone is happy.
Eric (as Audrey): Yeah. I mean, I'm gonna— yeah, let's— I will— let's do that. I was just going to— that's what I was gonna suggest.
Julia (as Cammie): Excellent.
Eric (as Audrey): Well, like, I'm just gonna go— if you want to come with me, I'm just gonna land on the beach.
Julia (as Cammie): Hmm.
Eric (as Audrey): But if they're with— if you're with me, you should tell people to like, "Hey, I'm—I come in peace." Like, I was gonna do it anyway.
Julia (as Cammie): Yeah.
Eric (as Audrey): Like, I was just going to do it.
Julia (as Cammie): Wonderful. Let me— let my friends on the beach know that you're coming.
Eric (as Audrey): Yeah.
Julia (as Cammie): I think— listen, I don't know if landing an entire ship is going to—
Eric (as Audrey): Oh, no, no, I'm not landing the ship. I have a thi— I have a thing. I got— I have a thing.
Julia (as Cammie): Okay, wonderful. Let me— let someone know that you're coming.
Eric (as Audrey): Do you need a ride. Do you need a ride?
Julia (as Cammie): I would love a ride.
Eric (as Audrey): Yeah, no, we'll do it. Yeah.
Julia (as Cammie): I would love to not use the Fourth Level spell to kill them.
Eric (as Audrey): No, I'll give you a ride. Sure. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah.
Julia (as Cammie): Alright, great.
Julia: I'm gonna cast sending.
Eric: Okay.
Julia: And I'm gonna send it— I don't want to send it to Umbi, but if it's the one that's near—
Brandon: I know it. I knew it, I knew it.
Julia: I— I know you're near all of the people, so you should be more—
Amanda: Umbi— it should be Umbi, it can't be Troy.
Julia: It should be Umbi, I know.
Brandon: You can send it to like—
Julia: Oh, also— no.
Brandon: Piney or something.
Amanda: It might startle him.
Julia: I know. I should send it to— to you, so that you can vouch for me.
Amanda: Disseminate, yeah.
Julia: Because if I send it to Salix, I don't know Salix's vibe yet.
Eric: Uh-hmm.
Julia: So I'm going to do—
Julia (as Cammie): Audrey is cool. She and I are going to come to the beach. Please don't attack us.
Brandon: And I get to respond 25, right?
Julia: Yes.
Brandon (as Umbi): Okay. Sounds good. I'll put the troops on hold for now. Thank you. All my love.
Julia: Great. I always like to end them with "love you," so that's perfect.
Eric: I love— I love watching you do this. It's like seeing, like, fourth graders make haikus.
Julia: Uh-hmm.
Eric: Great. "I do— I don't like homework. It's so tough--”
Brandon: Like, a fucking 19th century colonel with a big, like, peacock feather in his hat, Umbi turns to the— his troops on the beach with military drums behind him and says—
Brandon (as Umbi): Greenfolk, today, you did your job, but today, it's not a day for bloodshed. Today is not a day for chlorophyll shed. Today—
Amanda: Chlorophyll spill. Come on, Brandon.
Brandon (as Umbi): Chlorophyll spill. Today is a day to make peace with our enemies.
Eric: To we turn around and we see you're just talking to, like, Salix.
Brandon: I'm just talking to Bartlett.
Eric: Yeah, Bartlett, the key with a gaze is, like, standing— standing there and there's like a drunk pirate who— who passed out on the beach snoring— snoring loudly.
Eric (as Key with a gaze): Yar. I'm gonna have to put my swords and my key teeth away. Yar. Shh, go to sleep.
Eric: As he puts his sword in its scabbard.
Eric (as Key with a gaze): Shh.
Julia (as Cammie): If you'll indulge me, may I put a little bit of protective magic on you?
Eric (as Audrey): Honestly, and Cammie, don't take this the wrong way. I'm fine, no thank you.
Julia (as Cammie): I just don't want anyone to shoot you.
Eric (as Audrey): And I have ways of taking care of that—
Julia (as Cammie): Excellent.
Eric (as Audrey): —if needed.
Julia (as Cammie): I would just wanted to show it as a sign of good faith.
Eric (as Audrey): No, no, it's fine. Um, alright. Over this way.
Eric: As some of the scout boats have already, you know, been deployed, there's like just a rope going down to the sea and she just like goes [dragging noises] and grabs the rope and just goes, "Wee!"
Brandon: And then spiral down the rope.
Eric: Yeah. And then slides down the rope as Radbert follows behind her, and she goes, "Bomp." And she— there's like a little boat. It's almost like a sea chariot.
Julia: Cool.
Eric: Where there's a sea up front and a little like pelican on the back of it and the angler fish, the zombified angler fish from the first arc is rigged up to the front.
Julia: Cammie goes—
Julia (as Cammie): Oh, hey, buddy. Cool.
Amanda: Troy turns to Archie—
Amanda (as Troy): That thing was over his mouth is called an esca.
Eric (as Archie): Oh. [cocks gun]
Eric: As Archie sets up his sniper rifle.
Amanda (as Troy): Oh, no, no, no. They're— they're cool. If they're traveling together, they're cool, they're cool.
Brandon: Umbi turns to Bartlett and says—
Brandon (as Umbi): That thing across— on top of the fish that thing is called an esca.
Amanda: As a lowland Bartlett learns a single fact.
Eric: So, yeah, yY'all— y'all hop on and Radbert goes—
Eric (as Radbert): Alright.
Eric: And the angler fish rears back and pulls the sea chariot towards the beach.
Amanda: Cooler things never happened to a worse person.
Brandon: My personal hope is that the way that Audrey avoids being shot is by putting Radbert in front of the ammo, in front of the bomb, in front of the arrow.
Amanda: That'd be two for one, honestly.
Brandon: Yeah, yeah, exactly.
Eric: Troy, as we're ending turn five here, what does the note you sent to Threelips say?
Amanda: It says, "Now, you've made this personal. Just come see me like the soldier you once were."
Brandon: Whoa.
Julia: Whoa. We're calling everyone chicken in this episode.
Brandon: And then says, "Love, Troy. Love you, Troy."
Julia: Uh-hmm. "Love, Troy."
Amanda: I was thinking about it, but not this time. He's lost it.
Eric: On the wind from the lighthouse, you hear echoing across the chasm.
Eric (as Threelips): Troy, you don't know what you need. You forgot.
Eric: And you see Threelips has leaned over the front of the lighthouse. He has a— like a cannon that's been set up on a— like a stand. It's a retrofitted version of what Archimedes was using during the Bullseye Games. So it's— it has all the technology as suggested to it, but it's larger. It's this larger barrel for like a small, long cannon.
Brandon: Cool.
Eric: You also see Threelips leaning over. Threelips is wearing a torn just like traditional pirate outfit, like tunic boots, and high boots, and breeches, but it's all black, and they're— and they're ripped apart. You even see that— that he has a big bandage covering the majority of his left side of his head and also like part of one shoulder. And you see— and it's illuminated in the light of a Bullseye lantern that he needs because it's so— it's so dark out. You see him load three rounds into this cannon and says—
Eric (as Threelips): Troy, you don't know what you want.
Eric: And fires. Umbi, what's your AC, my man?
Brandon: Me?
Julia: Goddamnit.
Brandon: Oh, my God. It is 14.
Eric: There is a sniper around and no one is taking cover. I don't know what to tell you.
Brandon: That's fair. It's fair. I didn't— I assumed it was someone in the conference, so I would assume that they were all in front of me, you know?
Eric: That's rea— no, that's real, that's real.
Julia: I tried to tell you. I tried to tell you it was Threelips.
Brandon: Do you think— would Threelips— if—if Threelips was ever to have a kid, would they be named Fourlips, and then their kid would be Fivelips, and then Sixlips and Sevenlips, or—
Julia: Yeah, it's like— it's like senior, junior, and then you get to the 3, 4, 5.
Brandon: Yeah.
Julia: How bad, Eric? How bad is it?
Brandon: How bad? Am I dead, Eric?
Eric: I did roll one of the three shots. It was a Nat 20.
Julia: You might be dead, Brandon.
Brandon: Let's find out.
Julia: It's not good that he has his screen out.
Eric: Give me a second. Give me a second.
Amanda: It's never good.
Brandon: It's never good when he pulls the DM screen out.
Eric: Folks, that's gonna be 18 D10.
Amanda: What the fuck?
Julia: I can't believe Umbi's gonna fully die.
Brandon: It is actually possible for me to fully die right now.
Eric: 18 D10, 92 points of damage, please.
Brandon: I didn't die. Thank you. Thank—
Eric: What the fuck? What are you talking about?
Julia: Alright. No, no. He didn't fully die.
Brandon: I didn't die, die. I didn't die.
Julia: I'm sure he's down.
Brandon: I'm down.
Eric: Okay, you're down.
Amanda: He’s down, he’s down.
Eric: Okay, okay. Ninety two points of damage. Again, as Troy, you see— Threelips leans forward, you see Threelips' bloody face caught in the light of his— of his lantern. You see three flares shoot through the— arc through the air and land on the beach. And Umbi— and you see three explosions. [explosion sounds]
Brandon: Umbi is right in the middle with his, like, sword out on a— on a green plant horse.
Amanda: Yeah.
Brandon (as Umbi): On this day, we make peace.
Brandon: And then—
Amanda: Oh, God.
Eric: I— I want to say canonically, you are not on a horse. The horse is not exploding. The horse is not involved. The horse is not involved.
Brandon: Canonically no. In my brain, yes.
Julia: He's on a log.
Amanda: Yeah, yeah.
Julia: It's an illusion horse.
Eric (as Salix): Yar. No!
Eric: As— as Salix and the pirate run— run forward to catch Umbi's flaming body. You're down, right?
Brandon: I am down to zero, correct.
Eric: Zero.
Brandon: I had 62 hit points.
Eric: And Cammie, you also see this coming down. You're now, like, about 100 feet from the beach. You're coming in fast and hot.
Julia (as Cammie): Umbi, nooo!
Amanda (as Troy): No!
Amanda: And Troy just jumps down from the skeleton, trying to, like, acrobatically jump down.
Eric: You're trying to get to the lighthouse?
Amanda: No, I'm trying to get to Umbi.
Brandon: No.
Eric: Oh.
Brandon: I don't want to judge my— my friends in fiction's reactions, but Troy seems legitimate and Cammie seemed less legitimate.
Julia: Cammie— Cammie has seen you get blown up so many times. Cammie is like—
Julia (as Cammie): Oh, the spell slots I'm gonna have to spend—
Brandon: Another one.
Amanda: Not again.
Eric: You know, Evil Knievel beefed another jump, weird.
Julia: Oh, no.
Eric: Oh, no.
Brandon (as Umbi): And now, I die.
Amanda: Oh, no.
Julia (as Cammie): I'll be concerned when you start making death-saving throws anyway.
Eric: Alright. It is turn six. What do you do? Umbi is down. Umbi, give me a death-saving throw, please.
Brandon: 12.
Eric: 12. That's a save.
Julia: That's a save. That's a save.
Eric: Save.
Julia: He's fine.
Brandon: Save.
Eric: Troy, you just hop down.
Amanda: Troy is gonna yell to Archie—
Amanda (as Troy): Blow that lighthouse, man.
Amanda: And he's going to jump down onto the beach.
Eric: Alright.
Julia: Archie is like, "Blowing up lighthouses, great. Love it. Love to see it."
Eric (as Archie): Message received.
Julia: Confirmed.
Eric (as Archie): Confirmed, my good friend.
Amanda: And yeah, nom Troy's gonna scramble down to be next to Umbi.
Eric: Sure. Give me acrobatics check.
Amanda: Uh-hmm. Yeah. 16 plus 6 for a 22.
Eric: Oh, yeah, you can run down the skeleton, you can— you can make it there.
Amanda: Yeah. Troy's gonna like skid to a stop on the beach and hold Umbi's large melon-shaped head in his hands and say—
Amanda (as Troy): Not yet, old man. You have to teach me so much more.
Brandon (as Umbi): The thing on top of the fish is called an esca.
Amanda: The last thing he said.
Eric: Troy, you want to do anything else?
Julia: Make a medicine check.
Amanda: Yeah, I'll make a medicine check.
Eric: Yeah, try to do a CPR.
Amanda: Yeah.
Julia: Maybe you can stabilize him.
Amanda: Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay.
Eric: Is that wisdom? What is that?
Amanda: It's wisdom.
Eric: Okay.
Brandon: I just want to say you've never smelled anything more delightful, because instead of a bruised green pepper— bell pepper, it's like a delightfully charred green bell pepper now.
Amanda: I did roll a Natural One for a medicine check.
Julia: Great.
Eric: Troy— Brandon, make a— make a death-saving throw, make it!
Julia: It's an auto-fail.
Amanda: No.
Brandon: 19, 19.
Julia: Alright. Great, great, great.
Eric: Alright. That one doesn't count. That one doesn't count.
Brandon: Okay, it doesn't count. It doesn't count. It doesn't count. Okay, okay, okay.
Eric: No, it was— it could only have given you a negative.
Brandon: Only fail.
Eric: Only have given you a negative.
Julia: Troy pressed on the wound too hard.
Amanda: I know. Troy like realizes he's kneeling on Umbi's chest. He's like, "Oh! Oh! Come back to me, old man!" Shaking him.
Amanda (as Troy): Havana!
Brandon: You hear my three giant seeds rattle within my body.
Amanda: Yeah.
Eric: And here at the end of turn six, as you hear [giant fish bubbling] the monstrous zombie anglerfish pulls up onto the beach, and you hear, "Oh." [explosion]. And as Audrey the Rotten Queen comes up on the beach and says—
Eric (as Audrey the Rotten Queen): Hi, I'm just here to talk. And if you don't believe me, I have the documentation to say so.
Eric: She reaches into her pocket, and pulls out a rolled-up scroll, and opens it up, and says—
Eric (as Audrey the Rotten Queen): I have diplomatic immunity on behalf of the diamond knot.
Julia: Whoa.
Amanda: Whoa.
[theme]