Audrey’s made landfall and everyone is tense. Well, the zombies aren’t tense, they’re in a deanimated state of looseness, but folks with their own souls are anxious.
Whoa, the Cap’n of Audrey’s crew / ain’t feelin’ much surprise / He’s deader than seeds on the ocean floor / while the fish nibble out his eyes
Dive into our ship combat mechanics, classes from Mage Hand Press, the countries of Verda Stello, and other changes we’ve made for C3 HERE!
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Cast & Crew
- Game Master, Co-Producer: Eric Silver
- Co-Host (Umbi), Co-Producer, Sound Designer, Composer: Brandon Grugle
- Co-Host (Chamomile Cassis), Co-Producer: Julia Schifini
- Co-Host (Troy Riptide), Co-Producer: Amanda McLoughlin
- Theme Song: Lyrics by Eric Silver, music by Brandon Grugle. Vocals by Brandon Grugle, Lauren Shippen, Julia Schifini, Roux Bedrosian, Eric Silver, Tyler Silver, and Amanda McLoughlin. Available for purchase here.
- Artwork: Allyson Wakeman
- Multitude: https://multitude.productions
About Us
Join the Party is an actual play podcast with tangible worlds, genre-pushing storytelling, and collaborators who make each other laugh each week. We welcome everyone to the table, from longtime players to folks who’ve never touched a roleplaying game before. Hop into our current campaign, a pirate story set in a world of plant- and bug-folk, or marathon our completed stories with the Camp-Paign, a MOTW game set in a weird summer camp, Campaign 2 for a modern superhero game, and Campaign 1 for a high fantasy story. And once a month we release the Afterparty, where we answer your questions about the show and how we play the game. New episodes every Tuesday.
Transcript
Eric: I remember a time before the Cascade dried up. Here in Verda Stello, the four nations of plant and bug people flourished and thrived. But the great waterfall that fed the land slowed to a trickle, revealing a vast Salt Sea and unknown islands. The only guide were the words of the 13 Dried Carvings. “The water will slow to fall, but the tides are turning. Find the Infinite Lake to replenish the world and discover the Salmon who will grant you a wish of whatever you desire.” This marks the beginning of the Tide, as many Greenfolk hauled onto ships to find the Infinite Lake and maybe riches, adventure, excitement, and purpose along the way. And what exactly is a salmon? Is that a berry? That was 50 years ago, and the Tide rushes forward ever still. There are many stories caught on the wind between sails, but why don't we hear just one? Of a butterfly gunman with clipped wings, a ripened and explosive piece of produce, and a witch made out of tea. This is Join the Party Campaign 3, The Rising Tide!
[theme]
Eric: How many times has Umbi danced upon the Twilight floor that is nearly dying?
Brandon (as Umbi): Umbi lives his life on that floor. Every day, baby.
Eric: He's just waiting for the DJ to play his song.
Brandon (as Umbi): Every day I wake up, I'm like, "I got another one.|
Julia: I got another request for that DJ.
Amanda: Not a bad attitude.
Eric: The karaoke master hasn't chosen my slip yet, so I'm just sipping my gin and tonic until I get called up.
Amanda: It's pretty cute.
Brandon (as Umbi): In the meantime I'll get fucking drunk. Let's go, baby.
Eric: If life is a DJ, if God is a DJ, and life is a dance floor, then Umbi is sitting there in one of the nice booths because he got there at 4:00, and he's been sitting there since then.
Brandon: I gotta get to the buffet early.
Eric: There's a buffet in this karaoke play.
Julia: Of course.
Amanda: Nice.
Eric: Damn. What's with the buffet in the ka— I'm imagining like it's just— it's Bar Mitzvah lights just the— in— you're in a social hall of a synagogue and it's dark, but still just, like, the worst purple gel light is just crossing by the dance floor.
Brandon: Yep, exactly.
Amanda: Eric, they're hot. They're hot.
Eric: They're hot. You don't want to stand too close—
Amanda: No.
Eric: —because then your polyester pants will get torched.
Amanda: Uh-hmm.
Brandon: The first thing he goes for is the prime rib of—
Brandon (as Umbi): What's a— what's a fruit? What's a— what's a plant?
Eric: Melon.
Julia: Name any fruit.
Eric: Cucum— cucamelon.
Brandon: Cucamelon. The prime rib of cucamelon.
Julia: The tiny, tiny prime rib.
Eric: The tiny— what— Julia, prime is in quotes.
Julia: Yeah.
Brandon: God— do you think God has the money to pay for real prime rib, Julia?
Julia: I think God can do whatever they want. The planter can do whatever they want.
Eric: The planter can play whatever they want, but this is Umbi's little— this is Umbi's little place.
Julia: Uh-hmm.
Brandon: Yeah. Umbi's notoriously cheap, so that makes sense.
Julia: Sure, sure, sure, sure.
Eric: We have opened up a Debbie play just inside of Umbi's head of— of— as Umbi tries to cross over to the other place.
Brandon: And he sees that one woman off in the distance that was married to that one guy in the Book Depository that he may or may not already knows.
Eric: Oh, the avocado grandpa, yeah.
Amanda: That you definitely killed. Yeah.
Eric: Yeah. Her face is just a smear, we never see her. She alway— she's actually standing, like, three feet in front of you, but her face looks like she's 100 feet away.
Julia: I think she's just always facing away from him even though he keeps trying to get around her and look at her face.
Amanda: Yes. Like Instagram girlfriend, one hand trailing behind.
Brandon: Yeah, exactly. And every time he reaches out, it's just like always a foot away, you know?
Julia: Uh-hmm.
Eric [PA System]: Alright, folks, if you wanted to dance with your honey and ba— at Jacob Goldsmith's Bar Mitzvah, this is about that time. We're putting out a slow dance before we pick more requests. That sounds like yours, Umbi. "And I don't want to miss a thing."
Brandon: And then Umbi gets up, walks over to the dance floor, and has a nice, sweet dance with his daughter?
Amanda: Whoa.
Julia: Whoa. What?
Brandon: Who's this? I don't know.
Eric: There's a myster— another smeared figure who just leans—leans her head against Umbi's chest. She's just like an outline, it's just all blurry and smeared.
Brandon: Uh-hmm.
Julia: Whoa.
Brandon: That symbolizes his regret.
Julia: That makes sense, that checks out.
Amanda: Umbi, remind me, where— where are you at re-death saves?
Brandon: Oh, well, Amanda, I have one success and zero failures, so—
Julia: That's good.
Amanda: Okay.
Julia: That's good.
Brandon: It's you know? It's better than nothing, but I got ways to go.
Julia: Could be worse.
Amanda: Okay.
Eric: The smeared— the younger smeared woman leaning against your— with her head laid against your chest says—
Eric (as Smeared Woman): Umbi, why don't you tell me some of the things you've learned out there in the Great Salt Sea? Is any of it worthwhile?
Brandon (as Umbi): Well, the number one thing I learned, most important above all, is fuck that guy Threelips, he shot me. Don't let him shoot you.
Julia: Uh-hmm. Uh-hmm. Uh-hmm. Sage advice.
Eric: Oh, no. Okay.
Julia: Wise, old man.
Amanda: Eric rarely says, "Oh, no," when rolling.
Eric: Okay. As we sna— as we snap back to the beach, a bunch of zombies are holding Dr. Havana Tropicana back from seeing his patient, the— well, I think his chest has crumpled in after Troy did CPR on him. Trying to get to his patient, be like—
Eric (as Havana): No! No. No—
Eric: How do they do this in— in Grey's Anatomy? How do hot guys yell?
Amanda: It's just one primal bellow.
Eric (as Havana): No! I need to get to my patient. He needs medical care.
Eric: As he's fighting through. I rolled a 4 for Doctor Havana Tropicana to get to— to get to Umbi.
Brandon: Oh. Oh, man.
Eric: There's a bunch of zombies who are holding him back, and as Audrey, Queen of the Damned, is holding a magical saber up.
Brandon: Cool.
Eric: She's conjured it out of her own gross, nasty magic. So it's like— it's like gross Amber.
Brandon: Cool.
Eric: Like, it's— it's like the amber that's, like, gone bad, is the color of her magic. And it's like this big saber that she's holding in her hand. And she's just, like, pretending to stab around Umbi, it's like—
Eric (as Audrey): Oh, it would be so great if Umbi could join my fleet. He seems so ready to kind of do something new, right? He wants to try something new. I mean, he's been doing the same thing for so long.
Brandon (as Umbi): Take me home, Audrey, take me home.
Amanda (as Troy): He's not ready yet.
Amanda: And Troy throws himself over the wound, again, probably crashing a little bit further.
Brandon: And as you— and as Troy lands on Umbi, a cloud of dust just emanates around him.
Amanda: Yeah.
Amanda (as Troy): Havana, I put my whole weight on him, is that right?
Eric (as Havana): No, don't— no, don't do that.
Amanda (as Troy): Oh.
Eric (as Havana): You need to leave the patient as far as— undisturbed as possible.
Amanda: Troy starts doing push-ups over Umbi's body, not quite touching, but like just getting close.
Brandon: Just do— just do a little kiss every time he goes down.
Amanda: Yes. Just a little kiss.
Julia (as Cammie): Audrey, please don't. Please, please don't kill our grandpa.
Eric (as Audrey): I mean, I could if I wanted to.
Julia (as Cammie): I know, that's why I'm asking.
Eric (as Audrey): And I do want to. And I do want to, if I could just level with you. If I— if you could just understand where I'm coming from, because I also have the mandate here from— from the diamond knot to kind of do whatever I want as long as I don't mess up too much stuff. And it seems like— you know, this is like a— a kind of pirate hangout get together is well within my boundaries of messing up and doing whatever I want, so it could be pretty cool and nice for me to do.
Julia (as Cammie): It could be, but, you know, as— as one of your good friends, I would consider myself.
Eric (as Audrey): Top 5, for sure.
Julia (as Cammie): That's so nice. You're also in my top 5.
Eric (as Audrey): It's so lonely up at the top. I'm in your top 5?
Julia (as Cammie): Yes.
Eric (as Audrey): That must be upsetting for the people you hang out with.
Julia (as Cammie): Yeah. Um, but it would be really nice if I could, you know, heal him and bring him back. And I would— I would appreciate if he wasn't a zombie. Just asking as your friend.
Eric (as Audrey): I mean, I don't want to, though.
Julia (as Cammie): Okay.
Julia: Troy has Nonny, right?
Eric: One second. Umbi, what's your AC?
Brandon: It is 14.
Eric: 14? Okay.
Amanda: Troy is over Umbi's buddy.
Eric: Oh, yeah, no, I know.
Amanda: Okay.
Brandon: Would you say that— that counts as a shield, Eric?
Eric: I could say it counts as a shield, sure.
Brandon: So 16, then.
Eric: Okay. I rolled a 19, plus this is a spiritual weapon. And hers— her thing is pretty good. Do you want to try to take the hit, Troy?
Amanda: Yeah. Yeah.
Eric: Alright. [dice roll] 16.
Amanda: Well, Troy would love to use skin of my teeth when someone makes an attack roll against me. I can expand a risk die to try to dodge, adding the risk die to my AC.
Brandon: Oh.
Amanda: Can I try that?
Eric: I'll just tell you before you use this, because this is a little bit out of order.
Amanda: Okay.
Eric: So before I rolled a 24.
Amanda: Oh. Oh.
Eric: And I don't think you can— I don't think that would happen, right?
Amanda: Nope. 13 plus 8 at the most is only 21.
Eric: Is only 21. Okay.
Brandon: Yeah.
Amanda: Alright.
Eric: So I think— I'll give it to you anyway, because I had to roll— I'm rolling again to see if it goes through both of you. That goes through—that hits as well. So because Umbi is down and gets attacked, you automatically get one failed death saving throw, my good friend, Brandon.
Brandon: Great. Excellent. Excellent.
Eric: And on a hit, I do one D8, 17 points of force damage to good—my good friend, Troy. As Audrey, the Rotten Queen stabs her— her magical saber through Troy, hitting Umbi, taking a good part of your little bodies with you.
Julia (as Cammie): Oh, okay, no.
Julia: And then Cammie is going to cast the hex peace bound, which as an action locks weapons to their owners.
Brandon: Oh, yeah. I love this one.
Eric: Ooh. Cool.
Julia: If she wants to free it, she needs to make a strength check against my spell save DC.
Eric: Tell me what that looks like.
Julia: Oh, I think it's just Cammie's kind of wispy tea magic surrounds her weapon for a moment, and then like— almost like it was like a tape measure, zips it back to where she usually keeps it holstered.
Brandon: That's fun.
Eric: I like that, it's zipped up to her. It'd be like—
Eric (as Audrey): I— I just needed to make sure everyone knew what was going on here, that you need to take me seriously and that I'm impor— I'm— I am allowed to be here. Because, again, I have the documentation that says so, so if you harm a petal, a leaf, a root upon this beautiful— this beautiful head of mine, then the— then the— the— the governments of all four countries of this great, wonderful disk that we live on, are going to protect— are coming to protect me.
Julia (as Cammie): Okay.
Eric (as Audrey): I just— I need to establish boundaries even with my friends.
Julia (as Cammie): Great. And friends don't let friends stab their other friends, so I just wanted to make sure.
Eric (as Audrey): I— I don't— I— I don't think so.
Amanda (as Troy): That's true.
Eric (as Audrey): I think that that's explicitly something you can do, whether you're stabbing from the front, or the back, or the bottom, or the top, or the side.
Amanda (as Troy): But it's only when someone says, "I— I consent to be stabbed," because then if they don't, then you're not allowed to do it. Everyone knows that. Sorry.
Julia (as Cammie): Especially if you're friends.
Amanda: Troy's weeping.
Julia: Very quickly, Troy has Nonny, correct? I think I left Nonny with you?
Amanda: I think so. She can be hanging on my back.
Julia: Great. I'm gonna cast Cure Wounds through Nonny.
Eric: Aw.
Julia: Have her reach down and touch Umbi in the chest, and I'm going to cast it at a second level please.
Eric: Great.
Brandon: Oh.
Eric: I'm going to counterspell that.
Julia: Oh, okay. Does that automatically with counterspell at second level?
Eric: Yeah, it's fourth level or higher.
Julia: Darn.
Eric: The pot glows— the— it's sickly amber color, and the healing spell goes up in steam in your hand, Cammie.
Julia (as Cammie): Hmm. Okay. That's—
Eric (as Audrey): I think— I don't know— I under— I don't know if we're getting what's happening here. If we just kind of look around, you see that this island is surrounded. I'm holding a very important piece of paper.
Julia (as Cammie): Uh-hmm.
Eric (as Audrey): And I need you all to kind of listen to what I'm about to say in the end, then like process and digest the implications, and then we can take— and then we can take some steps forward.
Julia (as Cammie): Right. So my thing is people who are unconscious and your death cannot listen. And I want to make sure Umbi can hear the important things you're gonna say to us.
Amanda (as Troy): Like, even when he's— even when he's up and at ‘em, sometimes you gotta repeat it a couple times, just because his hearing is not so good anymore, but that's okay. And— and we gotta— we gotta have him around to listen.
Julia (as Cammie): Uh-hmm.
Brandon: And you hear the ghost of Umbi on the wind say—
Brandon (as Umbi): What?
Eric: Back on the dance floor, the young woman you're dancing with says, "I didn't say anything."
Julia (as Cammie): So— so with your permission, aka please don't counterspell me again, may I cure him so he can listen to your important message?
Eric (as Audrey): No, I don't give you permission to do that.
Julia (as Cammie): Okay.
Eric (as Audrey): Because I'm still weighing on— I'm still weighing about whether or not— because—because— I need experience, I think I need some experienced advisors to be a part of the, you know, rotten fleet. You know, you can't really depend on the— on folks you turn. You need to make sure that they're ready, that they have a lot of smarts— that they have a lot of experience before— before that happens. So I'm still, like, making a decision right now and I feel like I don't want to be rushed, because once again—
Eric: She flaps the document in front of.
Eric (as Audrey): It's because I— I just need— I need to just take it— to just take a second.
Brandon: My, my. How everybody suddenly wants Umbi.
Julia: Okay, bro.
Amanda: So how often does he make death saving throws, it's just on his turn?
Eric: Yeah. On his turn and as it's coming around, you know?
Julia: Cool. Cool.
Eric: He's oozing— he's— he's oozing from different parts and ble— and bleeding and it's cool— but it's like cool, green blood, though.
Brandon: Yeah, I was— I was thinking, honestly, like as a human, the pawpaw juice with a beautiful aroma of green bell pepper. That's a delicious juice, you know? Just drink that right up. Smells good, tastes good.
Julia: I don't— I don't want to drink up your juice, you fucking freak.
Brandon: Drink my blood, Julia.
Julia: No. I won't do it.
Eric: Brandon, I don't wanna— I don't want to drink your juice, to be— to be honest with you.
Amanda: Troy would love to just look around. Can I do a survival check? Can I see if there is anything around me in terms of the— the sand, the rocks, the moss, the lichen? That would be at all helpful in stabilizing Umbi.
Eric: Sure. Yeah, make a roll. I'll make one for Havana as well.
Amanda: Alright. [dice roll] 18 plus 4, 22.
Eric: Hell yeah.
Julia: Fuck yeah, dude.
Eric: 22. Yeah, I think there's some seaweed you can use, like hold Umbi's insides together a little bit.
Brandon: I've also got stuff to make potions of healing, so I'm sure like you can make some shit from my cloak with that, you know, would be helpful.
Julia: Uh-hmm.
Amanda: Yeah. I think Troy is going to grab the seaweed from around his body and start, like, packing it very gently into the wound, and— and like try to cast about for— looking out for anybody for Lustrous, for Salix, for anyone around. Not saying anything, but just looking desperately like, "Where— where can we turn if this goes bad?"
Eric: Sure. You can make a perception check.
Amanda: [dice roll] 14.
Eric: 14. You're looking around, let's see who's— who's here.
Julia: I'm very excited.
Brandon: [sings] As we go on, we remember all these old man--
Julia: [sings] We remember all times that Umbi died.
Eric: From the side of the skeleton up in the lighthouse, you hear—
Eric (as Threelips): [shouts]
Eric: Sploosh.
Brandon: Oh, no.
Julia: Good. No, no, good.
Brandon: Oh, yeah. Good, good.
Amanda (as Troy): What was that?
Eric (as Archie): Don't worry, Troy, I got him. The thing you told me to do.
Julia: Good, good.
Amanda (as Troy): Excellent job, man, excellent job. Do you happen to know how to bring people back from the dead? Because we're— we have a situation down here.
Eric: Broken by Threelips getting thrown from the top of a lighthouse, there's a break in the action, a moment— a moment to move as everyone— as everyone sees a bleeding Threelips thrown from the top of a lighthouse into the water. Does someone want to make a move?
Julia: Great. I'm trying to cure Umbi again.
Eric: Do it.
Julia: I cast Cure Wounds at a second level.
Eric: Alright. You want a sleight of hand, make a dexterity check? What do you want to do to try to get it past everybody?
Julia: Yeah, I can— I can do— hold on let me just check Nonny stats real quick, 'cause Nonny would probably be the one doing the casting. The octopus has advantage on dexterity checks made while underwater, not the same thing.
Amanda: Now, does Umbi's gurgling blood count as water?
Julia: Nonny gets plus 4 to stealth.
Amanda: Hmm.
Julia: Which is pretty dope.
Eric: Okay.
Julia: So I'll just roll plus 4 for Nonny. [dice roll] 19 plus 4 for Nonny on stealth.
Eric: Ooh.
Brandon: Ooh.
Eric: That's good.
Julia: Pretty— pretty good.
Amanda: That's higher than I rolled. I rolled an 18.
Julia: Great.
Brandon: Does Nonny, like, camouflage or what— how does she be stealthy?
Julia: I think she just kind of dangles from Troy as he's doing his weird push-ups over. And also, Troy is dealing with seaweed and packing that into Umbi.
Eric: True, true.
Julia: And I think honestly Nonny rolled so high that maybe Troy picks up Nonny, thinking that she is seaweed, and like gently packs her against your wound.
Eric: Pulls the electrical whip of— from Nonny's leg and, like, folds it into the— into the seaweed wrap.
Julia: Yeah. Alright. So I'm gonna roll 2 D 10 plus my spell casting modifier—
Eric: Do it.
Julia: —to give to [dice roll] Brandon here, 8.
Amanda: Let's go. Let's go.
Julia: And a 5. That's 13 plus my spell casting modifier, which is plus 7, so that is 22 points of health to Umbi.
Eric: Alright, Umbi.
Brandon (as Umbi): [inhales]
Amanda (as Troy): Oh, my God, it worked!
Amanda: Troy's weeping.
Julia: Troy— Troy also confidently thinks that he's the one that did it.
Amanda: Obviously.
Julia: Yeah, obviously.
Brandon (as Umbi): My daughter.
Amanda (as Troy): I'm Troy.
Julia (as Cammie): Oh, he's better.
Brandon (as Umbi): Oh, Troy, my boy, Troy.
Amanda (as Troy): Thank you, dad— I mean, Umbi.
Amanda: And Troy smothers him in a hug.
Eric (as Salix): Okay. I guess we're not playing anymore. That's fine. Alright. Alright, guys, do your thing.
Brandon (as Umbi): Uh-oh.
Eric: That's when you hear— [roar] as a 20-foot by 20-foot Salix—
Brandon: Yeah.
Eric: —stomps by with pirate zombies latched on the side of him, hanging off of him on every single branch. There's like 25 of them, just crawling all over him like cicadas in a tree. As more zombie pirates lead out, Lustrous Recompense, your gold-plated host of this entire gathering, and one very larg— oversized moldering oak tree has now hauled Dr. Havana Tropicana under his arm, be like—
Eric (as Havana): I'm just a— I'm a doctor, I'm not a fighter.
Amanda (as Troy): Put him back. He doesn't even know how to fight.
Julia (as Cammie): Look at him.
Amanda (as Troy): Well, you're such a nerd.
Eric (as Audrey): I need someone to sell our— sell our parts back together.
Amanda (as Troy): No.
Julia (as Cammie): Don't you do that with magic?
Eric (as Audrey): I can't be everywhere. I gotta delegate.
Julia (as Cammie): Yeah. You need other pirates who know necromancy stuff, for sure.
Amanda (as Troy): Audrey, we helped you, we got you here to this beach.
Brandon: Eric, do you have a— do you remember if I've used I think I know you?
Eric: I don't think you have, no.
Brandon: Okay. Can I see— can I roll to see if I know Audrey?
Eric: Sure. Yeah, sure.
Amanda: Oh, stunning, Brandon.
Julia: Why the fuck not, right?
Brandon: Oh, my God. If this works— no, it's a 5.
Eric: It's a 5. Hey, give me a history check, my man.
Brandon: Okay. Ooh, 18 plus 4 for 22.
Eric: 18 plus 4 for 22. When you were in Overstalk being, you know, a rapscallion Bernie Sanders type, how much did you learn about, like, heretical texts and things that Greenfolk would do to themselves to gain power throughout history and—
Brandon: Oh, I mean, a ton, I think like— I think Umbi would definitely be the type of senator that was like—
Brandon (as Umbi): That piece of shit from Sector H over there definitely uses some heretical stuff.
Brandon: And so goes to learn all the bad stuff.
Eric: I like how immediately he's like— he's like a senator from The Hunger Games.
Brandon: Yeah, exactly.
Eric: Yeah. It's like— you know, sometimes you have these representatives and not in, like, a weird MAGA way, but in like a dad way where it's like, "I know everything about the American Revolution, and that guides what I'm thinking."
Brandon: Uh-hmm. Uh-hmm.
Eric: You know, there were societies in Verda Stello before what we— what you have now, before they come— before these countries.
Brandon: Older than Umbi?
Eric: Older than Umbi.
Brandon: Whoa.
Eric: And I would say that seeing a Greenfolk— and maybe you're getting snapped to attention, and before you get distracted doing old man stuff, maybe you start to think about something. I would say that seeing a Greenfolk who is in a pot like this is strange, to say the least, if not like worrisome, confusing, and maybe rattled something in the back of your head.
Eric: Hmm.
Brandon (as Umbi): I've been meaning to strap those things back down back there in the back of my head.
Eric: He's getting rattled— are for
Amanda: That's what those spongies are for.
Eric: —getting rattled around like loosely tied skis to the top of a truck. And I'd say with a 22, the only reason why someone would willingly pop themselves is in an iron lung sort of situation, where you need to—
Brandon: Hmm.
Eric: Or if you didn't have to do it, why would you?
Brandon: Hmm.
Eric: I think a flash comes to you as you— you're ripped off of the dance floor and thrown out into the light. You have a moment of clarity that only comes from leaving a bar mitzvah and not holding just a— a blown up saxophone in one hand, and a T-shirt that says, "I had fun watching Jacob Goldsmith become a man and all I got was this terrible T-shirt."
Julia: Yeah, yeah.
Amanda: All in paintbrush effect.
Eric: It is in air— yeah, airbrush, it's airbrush, airbrush.
Amanda: Very— very impressive.
Brandon: I got a rush of chlorophyll right when I was healed, and then before it, it dies down back to normalcy, I think of that stuff.
Eric: Yeah.
Eric (as Audrey): So I'm going to put it to all for— I'm going to put it to all of you here. If you give up a few of these wonderful key pirates, that I'm just gonna go on my way. But if you step to me, then the governments are going to tell— are going to be all over this and you're not going to be able to do your whole pirate thing. Okay? So who are we— who are you gonna give up? If we're gonna— if we're into negotiations here, Cammie Casis, then you're telling me who you're going to give up and then I'll leave on my merry way. And then I'll leave on my sweet way, just doing my own thing like they let me do.
Brandon (as Umbi): You can take Lucky.
Amanda (as Troy): So I only negotiate with pirates and it sounds like you're a government stooge, is that right?
Brandon (as Umbi): Yeah.
Eric (as Audrey): That I— the lowest form of insults is when you obviously know someone's hot shit, and now you're getting it over me. No, I'm still—
Amanda (as Troy): Oh, I'm— I'm a former prince. I mean, we're— we're talking to each other here man to man.
Eric (as Audrey): Oh, no. I know— I know—
Julia (as Cammie): Troy knows something about being a Government stooge.
Eric (as Audrey): I know all about you, disgraced Prince Troy Riptide.
Amanda (as Troy): Thank you.
Eric (as Audrey): I've heard about it from, you know, your friends and your family, and how worried they were about you. And, you know, what you were like as little— as a little larvae.
Amanda (as Troy): Yeah, yeah, yeah. I don't— I don't listen to people who pretend to be pirates, but aren't, so I don't really get why we're pretending to negotiate here. We invited you here, we wanted to include you in the talks, but it turns out you're not working for pirates at all. So what is there to talk about? We have keys, you don't. We're pirates, you're not. One of those guys just tried to shoot us, we're all still here. So don't really get why you're being so high and mighty right now.
Eric (as Audrey): I'm being high and mighty right now, because regardless of the number of keys I have, I'm going to find the salmon and use it for whatever that I want it to be. But right now, I'm cutting a beautiful swath through the Great Salt Sea and kind of just like infecting my spores everywhere that I go.
Amanda (as Troy): We'll race you, then.
Brandon (as Umbi): Audrey, Audrey, Audrey, Audrey. Come here, Audrey, just for a second.
Eric (as Audrey): No, I'm not.
Brandon (as Umbi): Audrey.
Eric: I'm gonna make it a— hold on, what— what's— what's my DC to— to break this bound?
Julia: It's a 15 strength check.
Eric: A 15. [dice roll] I rolled a fi— I rolled 15 on the dice.
Julia: And she has no pluses or minuses to strength?
Eric: Yeah. 50 plus 0, still pretty good. You got me.
Julia: Damn. I was hoping she had like a minus one.
Eric: She's—
Julia: And Cammie giggles like— because— technically, I have to keep cackle for it to maintain—
Amanda: Hell yeah.
Julia: —for as long as it has. So Cammie goes—
Julia (as Cammie): [giggles] I don't mean to laugh. It's just— it's a little funny.
Eric: I rolled only a 7, so she's going to grab her— to break the piece bound, the steam zipping it to her side, and use the saber to kind of like get the front of Umbi's shirt with the tip of her sword and just pull you close. Believe me, I was trying to stab you again, but I'm— but I'm giving you that instead and be like—
Eric (as Tessie): Umbi, do you want to come? Do you want to see what happens on the other side?
Brandon (as Umbi): I mean— don't distract me. I was just gonna ask. I don't— I don't— I don't want to say this out loud in front of everyone, but like I'm super fucking old, and even I am not in a pot. What's the deal, bro?
Julia: What's up with that?
Eric: Make an investigation check for me really quickly.
Brandon: I'm also sort of trying to intimidate as well.
Eric: No, no, no. That's fine.
Brandon: Oh, damn, real hot. 17 plus 4 is 21.
Eric: 21? Okay. 20— goddammit. Alright, because you rolled— you rolled a 21, you hear very, very low, very quiet. Almost like because you're so close, it's reverberating through the air.
Brandon: Hmm.
Eric: You hear—
Eric (as Goo Monster): You don't listen to me, my child. You're being distracted by an elder who knows our secrets. Do not say, do not speak, do not engage.
Brandon (as Umbi): What— what the hell was that?
Eric (as Tessie): Nothing— nothing is going on.
Eric: Tosses you into the ground off the front of her, of the front of her sword, like getting barbecue off of a— off of a skewer.
Eric (as Tessie): Okay, I— I'm not— I'm gonna choose for you if you don't give me three of your key holders here. Now, I know— where is every— where is everybody? I feel like we're missing some.
Julia (as Cammie): I mean, most of them fled because you were pretty obvious with your approach, and a lot of them are afraid of you.
Amanda: Remind me, where did we leave the, like, charge buried in the sand?
Brandon: Oh.
Eric: It's just there, it's there. It's still there.
Brandon: Yeah. I think I just took off the trip wire so it's still there.
Amanda: Yeah. While all this is going on, Troy's gonna look up at Archie, gesture with his eyes down at where they had run the trip wire that Umbi then disabled, and is just gonna make a little gesture like, "Just shoot that, just shoot that right there. Shoot that right there." Eric, I'm proficient in bruvs.
Eric: Yeah, make a roll, make a roll. Give me a charisma check.
Amanda: Okay. Well, charisma would be—
Eric: And you can add— you can do charisma and you add your proficiency
Amanda: Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay, so that's— that's gonna be 14.
Julia: Uh-hmm.
Eric: Alright, roll again. I'm gonna keep mine because I got a 14. I want to see what happens. Roll again.
Brandon: Ooh.
Amanda: Okay, how's an 18 plus 6?
Julia: Yeah.
Brandon: I'd say that's pretty good.
Amanda: Pretty good, pretty good.
Julia: Bruvs, bruvs, bruvs.
Amanda: 18 plus 2 plus 4, got 24 bruvs.
Brandon: Now, not only does Archie have a dad, grandpa, but has a brother as well.
Amanda: Can I be proficient in bruvs, I asked? Sure, Eric said.
Eric: Yeah.
Amanda: So if Archie could just hit that bomb real quick.
Brandon: I think like a movie montage right before— or right at the same time this is happening, like right before presumably the explosion happens.
Amanda: As you see the— the beginning of the sand start to ripple with the smallest bit of a charge.
Brandon: Exactly. Umbi, like, is pushed back from Audrey and goes—
Brandon (as Umbi): What the fuck? Audrey, someone is controlling Audrey.
Eric: And here's all what happens at the same time. Umbi gets thrown down, you hear a, "poof," that comes from the emergency, totally cowardly, but incredibly high tech sniper rifle of Archimedes Sevens that hits the charge in the ground. And as the chemistry reactions that fit together to create this explosion, and we zoom in—
Brandon: Yeah.
Eric: We zoom in and we see, like, the bullet break the one container of liquid that goes into another container that hits the flint, that ignites inside of this buried bomb. At the same time as that happens, a door opens in reality, as Tessie the Storm steps through—
Julia: Oh, bad timing.
Eric: —steps through, holding six— six swords.
Julia: I knew this is gonna happen.
Eric: And they're all, like, electrified. Like, the door opens, and she steps on to the barrel. And then as that happens, we're in slow motion, the explosion starts and pushes Tessie back through the door, the sand going everywhere, the explosion. And then on the horizon, three ships, you see three ships go up in flames with holes, shot through their big sails, locking them in place. In the magical darkness conjured by Audrey the Rotten Queen, the flames illuminate the unmistakable cactus outline of Kid Cervantes.
Brandon: Yeah, my boy!
Eric: And all this— all this happens in the same 5 seconds.
Brandon: Yeah.
Eric: So Umbi says—
Eric (as Umbi): Zombies are controlling Audrey.
Eric: [explosion] Aaah! Door slams flames up. Cool. I think—
Amanda: Well, that's fun.
Eric: That all—
Brandon: I like that.
Amanda: I like that.
Eric: I like that. Because everything's going on, and everyone's knocked down and confused, and a lot of stuff happened at the same time, let's try to figure out what happens next with my rolling for initiative, shall we? Let's figure out the order of everything.
Brandon: Ooh.
Julia: Hmm.
Amanda: Very well. [dice roll]
Julia: Jesus Christ.
Amanda: 12.
Eric: Great.
Julia: 4.
Brandon: Eric?
Eric: Yeah,
Brandon: I think I've broken— I think I'm officially the best roller on this team, because I got a 22 total.
Amanda: Oh.
Julia: You have plus 3 to dexterity?
Brandon: Yeah, I got old man dex.
Julia: Hmm.
Eric: Old man shifty.
Amanda: Nice.
Julia: There's many low numbers that surround the 20. That's my complaint.
Brandon: Your complaint is there's too many low numbers around the 20?
Julia: Yeah.
Eric: Your dice is getting confused. They think it's— they— they— they—
Amanda: Yeah.
Eric: —you cooked it on the other— on the other ones.
Julia: Yeah, they— they want the 20.
Amanda: It's like when— when a kid thinks that their uncle Jimmy is dad, and then mom's like, "Long story there, but Uncle Jamie is not dad." But, yeah, you said it in front of dad, and so mom and dad are gonna have a long conversation later.
Brandon: Now, Amanda, how was that, like, there being low numbers around 20?
Amanda: Because they're approximate—the low numbers are approximate to the 20 and think I'm— and so the rolling gods think, "No, no, you're the 20 now." And then it's like, "No, I'm Uncle Jimmy, and I wish I was your dad."
Brandon: Got it. I see, I see.
Eric: Okay. Folks, so all of that happens, everyone is confused. Everyone's ears are ringing like in Saving Private Ryan. Umbi, you can go first.
Brandon: Okay. Well, Umbi would like to try to gather a census and sort of just, like, look around, see what's going on. So can I roll perception check or just like telling me the state of the battlefield? Like— like, is Audrey's folks poised to attack? Are they all prone? What's the current status?
Eric: Things are going to happen as soon as you do something, but right now, everyone is stunned for a moment.
Brandon: How close am I to Audrey right now?
Eric: You're close by.
Brandon: Okay.
Julia: Uh-oh.
Brandon: Eric, here's what I would like to do.
Eric: Okay.
Brandon: Umbi is— is used to being blown the fuck up, so he sort of stumbles to his feet faster than everyone else. And I'm going to take out quickly a vial of sovereign glue.
Eric: Okay.
Brandon: And I'm going to smear it on my hand, and like the hands on a hard body game, I'm going to slap it right onto Audrey's pot and say—
Brandon (as Umbi): You're not going anywhere without me!
Eric: Oh, I love it.
Amanda: Why would you do that?
Eric: I love this. This is so funny.
Julia: Brandon, Brandon, Brandon, Brandon, Brandon.
Amanda: We just rescued you.
Julia: I can't— I can't believe Brandon— we made so many jokes, and Brandon is just gonna have to roll a new character soon. It's wild. You don't get Copernicus Cobb, you don't get him.
Amanda: Incredible move.
Eric: I mean, yes.
Julia: Cool, cool, cool.
Eric: That's what happens. You're right.
Amanda: What a classic yes, banana.
Eric: He— he does that, he— that's what happens, yes.
Brandon: And I also— I know this is, like, redundant at this point, but as a bonus action, I can throw a flashbang so I'm just gonna throw a flashbang and make sure Audrey is super disoriented.
Eric: Sure. Yeah. I think this is just reinforcing the disorienting. What— what happens here?
Brandon: Disorient, distracting my foes, each creature within five feet can't take reactions.
Eric: Oh, sure. Oh, actually, that's—
Julia: Helpful. Helpful.
Brandon: Until the start of their next turn.
Eric: That's very helpful. Yeah, no, you can just—
Brandon: Excellent.
Eric: Yes, that's good. Considering how I've already counterspelled something today. That's actually incredibly helpful. It is now Archimedes Sevens' turn and he's gonna go do something.
Julia: Good for him.
Amanda: Archie, Archie, Archie.
Brandon: Archie, Archie, Archie. My main man.
Amanda: I trust him.
Brandon: Yeah, he's a good boy.
Eric: Alright. It is now le— Salix and Lustrous' turn as Salix then runs back into the— into kind of the area that all of you are in and grabs more of the zombies, still 20 feet by 20 feet, and just they're still crawling all over him.
Brandon: Fuck yeah.
Eric: And he kind of like engages in aggros as many zombies around as possible, and starts to run towards the sea.
Brandon: Hell yeah.
Julia (as Cammie): Drown them.
Amanda: Does it seem like he is taking them for a ride or vice versa?
Brandon: Or both at the same time?
Eric: I'm gonna say both. Both is happening.
Amanda: Okay.
Eric: And Lustrous breaks away. Salix, like, engages the zombies that are— that are holding Lustrous, and makes a break for it. It is now— with a 15, it is now Tessie the Storm's turn.
Brandon: Yeah.
Eric: She pushes the door back open. Again, a door opens up in reality and you hear the sounds of the Book Depository theme park behind her as she steps back through and be like—
Eric (as Tessie): Nobody messes with Tessie the Storm without hearing something about it.
Eric: And she steps forward with her electrified swords and, like, stabs a bunch of the zombies.
Julia: Sick as hell.
Amanda: Yeah.
Brandon: In my head, she looks like General Grievous with, like, four lightsabers.
Julia: Hell yeah dawg.
Eric: Brandon, that's exactly what she looks like. 6 electrified swords, like real classic pirate sabers and just like, "Pop, pop, pop, pop, pop," cooking six pirate zombies. It is now at large, the zombies turn as all the boats that Kid Cervantes hasn't lit on fire, drop lifeboats down with pirate zombies inside.
Brandon: Shit.
Eric: Some of them, half of them are going towards the flaming boats. The other half are coming to the beach, trying to intercept a lot of the boats that have been— a lot of the ships that have been leaving the island as people have fled from Audrey making landfall, but others are coming to the island itself. It is now Havana's turn. Havana rolled a 4 and cannot break away from the big tree zombie that is holding him underneath, almost like a beach ball under this guy's arm. It— because he fits perfectly as a circle.
Brandon: Why don't we break him anywhere?
Eric (as Havana): Unhand me, I am a doctor.
Brandon (as Umbi): That's against the—
Brandon: Ge— Genieve— Genieve—
Amanda: Keep going.
Eric (as Havana): That's a— that's against the grapefruit convention.
Brandon: There you go.
Amanda: Nailed it.
Julia (as Cammie): Cool. Got it. Nailed it.
Eric: As he tries to wiggle away. But— and then at the same time, I rolled a 13 for—
Eric (as Purple Potato): Liberty, equality, for eternity, for LeMans. If anyone is going to be free, it is going to be us.
Eric: As the Alcone purple potatoes lead the nightshade Cragish separatists to fight against the pirates zombies. And all— you see that riding on a really messed up looking tomato horse, heirloom tomato horse, is Aubergine with like a— with a really old rifle. Like, if someone had like a Soviet era rifle—
Brandon: Uh-hmm.
Julia: Yeah.
Eric: —that he has, just holding a rifle, running pirate zombies over.
Brandon (as Umbi): He's beautiful.
Amanda (as Troy): You look great, buddy.
Brandon (as Umbi): My best friend.
Amanda (as Troy): I love you, Jacque.
Julia (as Cammie): Hey.
Eric ( as Aubergine): I'm fighting for my best friends who are also my brothers.
Brandon (as Umbi): I can't believe you're fighting for me, that's so kind.
Amanda (as Troy): It's okay. It's— it's okay.
Julia (as Cammie): Okay.
Amanda (as Troy): It's okay, as long as you're happy.
[theme]
Amanda: Hey, everybody, it's Amanda. Welcome to the mid roll, where I'm very excited to share with you that the video on demand versions of The Rolling Bones Tour are now available. That's right, if you have FOMO because everybody was talking about how wonderful The Rolling Bones Tour was in which our seven absolutely unique shows was their favorite. If you didn't catch that, we were reprising all of our characters. We played PCs from campaigns one, two, and three along with the Camp-Paign. And you're like, "Damn. Shit. I should— I should have bought the tickets, I should have watched at the time." I have good news. We have high quality video recordings of every dang show and you can get the video on demand tickets now at multitude.productions/live. That's multitude.productions/live or jointhepartypod.com/live, by the way, where you can get tickets to one or two, or maybe all seven of The Rolling Bones Tour. Check it out. We can only do cool things like go on tour and have cameras that we use to make high-quality video recordings of them because of your support on Patreon. And did you know that we offer an annual plan on Patreon? Which means that you get two months of Patreon membership for free. That means you sign up for a discount, you pay just one time, not every month. You're not signing up for another monthly bill. And you can join the best place on the internet, our patron-only Discord. You get every other week Party Planning, our additional patron-only podcast. You get ad-free episodes at the $8 tier, all kinds of goodies, man. So if you're looking for a good place to spend some birthday money, or a little extra cash from maybe your tax refund, patreon.com/jointhepartypod is where it's at. This week at Multitude, I have some chores coming up. I have some cleaning. I gotta, like, run some errands and things like that. And the podcast that I most love to keep me company while I'm doing a task that I'd rather not be doing is Big Game Hunger. This is a weekly comedy show where Jenna Stoeber and friends craft the next big video game every episode. Starting with a randomly generated genre concept and vibe, Jenna and a variety of her funny and game-obsessed friends take the ideas so far that they can pitch it to a shadowy board of rich investors. And pretty much every time, I'm like, "Oh, my God. Oh, wait, why do I want this game to actually exist?" I love a recent episode with Jacob Geller, and there are so many wonderful ones for you to check out. New episodes come out every Monday, so look up Big Game Hunger in your podcast app now, or go to biggamehunger.com. We are sponsored this week by Tab For A Cause, which is a wonderful browser extension that lets you raise money for charity while just doing your thing online. You go to tabforcause.org/jointheparty. I'm going to go for it right now with you guys, tabforacause.org/jointheparty. Excellent. And they are going to show you not just a Chrome, Safari, and Firefox extension that you can put onto your browser and raise money for charity, but they also show you beautiful images, which is lovely. every time you open up a new tab, you get a beautiful new thing that you get to see. And you also get to choose where your money goes to charity, which one specifically. And I am proud to say that team Join the Party has raised at this point thousands of dollars for charity, just doing our thing online, which is amazing. So go to tabforacause.org/jointheparty and join the team, Join the Party now. Finally, we are sponsored by Green Chef, a meal box service that sends organic fresh produce in every box along with responsibly sourced proteins, including 100%, sustainably sourced seafood, say that three times fast, and 100% antibiotic and hormone-free chicken. Every week, you get to choose from 80 plus flavor packed options, and man, I really like the trend of grain bowls. I had a grain bowl while we were traveling for the Rolling Bones Tour, and I was like, "Damn, I gotta make me some grain bowls for lunch or dinner." And happily, they have that option on Green Chef. You can also easily customize your meals to suit your lifestyle. So if you eat plant-based, gluten-free, if you want like a super protein packed diet, if you are counting calories, or you want to do like a Keto style diet, all of those are options. And especially this month, for April Earth month, you should know that sustainability is a core of the Green Chef brand. They offset a 100% of delivery emissions and a 100% of the plastic in each box and they partner with Plastic Bank to collect ocean bound plastic pound for pound for every box they deliver. So go to greenchef.com/jointheparty50 and use code jointheparty50 to get 50% off plus 20% off your next two months. Go to greenchef.com/jointheparty50 and use code jointheparty50 to get 50% off plus 20% off your next two months. And now, let's get back to the show.
[theme]
Eric: The pirate zombies that Audrey came up on, they're just all clashing. It is now a— turning into a massive melee surrounding all of you. And with a 12, it is now Troy's turn. Troy, what would you like to do?
Brandon (as Umbi): Troy, I got her! I got her!
Amanda: Oh, yeah, no, you're fine. Troy's gonna shoot the tree holding Havana, please.
Eric: Sure.
Amanda: Okay. Does an 18 hit?
Eric: That hits.
Amanda: Okay, excellent.
Brandon: Nice.
Eric: Do you want him to drop what he's holding?
Amanda: Yep. So I sure am—
Brandon: Yeah.
Amanda: —I sure am going to use— Mage Hand Mike is real for this one, I'm going to do limb shot. So Eric, could they please make a constitution saving throw?
Eric: That's a Natural 1, my friend.
Brandon: Whoa.
Julia: Yeah.
Amanda: Really? Is that lower than a 14?
Eric: That's lower than a 14, extremely.
Julia: Uh-hmm. Uh-hmm.
Amanda: Great. So he drops an object of my choosing, I'm gonna go with Havana.
Eric: That's fine.
Amanda: And it's going to be a 9 piercing damage.
Brandon: Just because Havana is a man doctor, does it mean that it's okay to think of Havana as an object—
Amanda: You're right, Brandon.
Brandon: —Amanda? So—
Amanda: You're right. Bra— I think we're gonna address that later, back when we debrief, but in the meantime, Havana is going to be dropped and then—
Eric: The tree— yeah, the zombie tree drops them.
Amanda: And then Troy's gonna do a second attack on the tree as well, why not?
Eric: Okay.
Amanda: Okay. That's a 19 to hit.
Eric: That hits.
Amanda: Great.
Eric: Okay, so then roll a two things of damage.
Amanda: Okay. So it was 9 the first time and 9 the second time.
Eric: Oh, hell yeah.
Brandon: Hell, yeah.
Amanda: So, 18, 22 points of damage piercing, 11 piercing.
Julia: Damn, dude.
Eric: Yeah. Yeah, you fire through this zombie oak tree and it just, like, breaks and cracks, like, wood you would throw in the fireplace.
Brandon: Yeah.
Amanda: Okay.
Brandon (as Umbi): Get 'em, Troy.
Eric: I like the idea, you just like shoot off the arms.
Amanda: Is he down?
Eric: No. But you've— he has no arms.
Amanda: Just to close my turn, Troy is going to use the rest of his movement to scoop Havana up and get as far away from the melee as he can.
Brandon: Yeah.
Eric: Yeah. It is now Kid Cervantes' turn as you see another ship go up in flames, and just the—
Brandon: Kid, Kid, Kid, Kid—
Eric: —and the mast just crack off of this— of this boat.
Brandon: God what an absolute badass.
Amanda: Hell yeah, dawg.
Eric: Alright. It is Audrey's turn. Audrey looks at Cammie and says—
Eric (as Audrey): This is how you treat your friends? I can't believe, as one of your top five friends, you would treat me like this.
Julia (as Cammie): What did I do besides make sure you didn't stab my friends?
Eric (as Audrey): Well, you're standing in my way to— of what I want to do, and I think that's that what friends do.
Julia (as Cammie): Um, okay. Do— agree to disagree on that, but—
Eric (as Audrey): Well, I think, Cammie, you have a really interesting opportunity here.
Eric: As, of course, everything is going on around you, as Audrey is picking herself up and tried to wiggle and shake Umbi off for— like a wet sock.
Eric (as Audrey): Well, I already have one, you could just come with me.
Julia (as Cammie): Um—
Eric (as Audrey): You can't— I can't imagine that this chaos is what you want. Don't you want to get done what you want to get done, Cammie? Don't you see a better world for all of us? I have the backing of the key— of the entire— I have the backing of the World Government to do what needs to be done. You could do it unfettered. You could do it uncomplicated.
Brandon (as Umbi): Honestly, pretty— pretty good deal. Don't take it, okay?
Eric (as Audrey): Get o— get off, get off!
Brandon (as Umbi): Sorry.
Julia (as Cammie): I'll be— I'll be totally honest with you, the governments done me dirty, at least one really important time, probably multiple times if I really look back. So I don't know if I really want to work with people who will turn on you very quickly.
Eric (as Audrey): I'm not working with them. I got assigned— I got a hall pass. And look, don't— don't you want to know who the four people of the diamond knot are? We'll just kill them afterwards.
Julia (as Cammie): Do you want to just tell me now who they are?
Eric (as Audrey): Only if you come with me. Only if you come close enough to read this.
Brandon (as Umbi): I'm right here. What does it say?
Julia (as Cammie): I have great eyes— hey— hey, Umbi, what does it say?
Eric: Come on, guys. Guys, come on.
Julia: I know, I’m just teasing.
Amanda: This is a society.
Eric: Yeah. We live in a society.
Brandon: Umbi is definitely, like, on the, like, three-quarter side of the back, you know, of Audrey, so you can't see it. Yeah.
Eric (as Audrey): I fulfill— I fulfill my promises, Cammie. I would never break one to you. And if I just— I'm taking three of you with me, seems like I have one already. You can come with me, too.
Brandon (as Umbi): No.
Julia (as Cammie): Umbi, are you going with her?
Brandon (as Umbi): No.
Julia (as Cammie): Okay.
Brandon (as Umbi): She's not going anywhere.
Eric (as Audrey): It's really up to you. You've— it seems you volunte— you volun— I'm voluntolding you to come with me.
Brandon (as Umbi): No.
Julia (as Cammie): A secondary question to the offer that you're making, do we have to become zombies?
Eric (as Audrey): Yeah.
Julia (as Cammie): Don't really want to be a zombie.
Eric (as Audrey): Yeah, it's goo— it's fun, though. It's great. It cleared my— it cleared my skin. It watered my crops.
Julia (as Cammie): Can— can I ask a question?
Eric (as Audrey): Sure.
Julia (as Cammie): Who turned you into a zombie?
Brandon (as Umbi): Was it a voice?
Amanda: Troy's pressing little kisses to Havana's face over and over.
Julia: Good, good. Solid choice, solid choice.
Brandon: Havana's like, "Don't. Stop it. Stop it. No."
Eric (as Audrey): It was, and I feel free. I know exactly what I'm going to do every single moment right before I do it. It's great.
Julia (as Cammie): That's— that's very cool. Um, just— because I'm really interested in magic. Obviously, I'm a cool little witch. Is that like— so, you know me, look at me, I'm cursed.
Eric: A cavalry rides by.
Julia (as Cammie): Are you cursed?
Eric (as Audrey): No.
Julia (as Cammie): It's— I— not that you would consider it a curse, but like, if we're talking about the logistics of what magic is, is your zombies in a curse?
Eric: I'm not gonna tell you what Audrey's turn. If you want to figure that out in your turn, Cammie Casis, you could do— you could do that on you— you can do that on your own.
Julia: That's fine. We're just talking.
Eric: It'd be like—
Julia: We just be talking.
Eric (as Audrey): I'm not cursed, but I think if you all keep doing what you're doing, it's going to be— it's going to feel as if you have one of your own.
Julia (as Cammie): Damn.
Eric: And radiating out through the pot, just roots are growing out of the pot, this nasty spoiled, amber color radiating in a 20-foot radius. And these roots, grow hands and start to reach out of the ground. I am casting the spell grasp of the grave. See, I can do Mage Hand Mike shit, too.
Julia: Counterspell.
Eric: Alright, that's a fourth level spell.
Julia: Bring it on. That means I gotta roll over a 14.
Eric: Alright.
Julia: Okay. And my spell casting ability without proficiency is plus 3.
Eric: Okay. I need 11 or higher, Julia.
Julia: [dice roll] 17 plus 3.
Amanda: Hey!
Brandon: Yes!
Eric: Did you, like, steam clean it away or something?
Brandon: Yeah.
Julia: Yeah. Yeah.
Amanda: Yeah, baby.
Julia: It's like a— there's like a magical fog for a moment, and Audrey thinks that her spell is about to go through, and then when it clears, it is gone.
Brandon (as Umbi): Oh, nice.
Eric (as Audrey): You incredible bitch.
Julia (as Cammie): That's mean.
Eric: And that is when— and that's when the water chariot, the— the ang— the zombified anglerfish of the water chariot, swims up onto the shore, and she hops her way back towards the chariot.
Brandon: No. I would like to do a contest, because I'm digging my feet to the sand. She ain't moving anywhere.
Eric: Yeah. Yeah, that makes sense.
Brandon: So it's just like a strength contest or something?
Eric: Yeah, strength contest, yeah. I just said it was a zero. This is a strength contest, zero for me.
Amanda: Old man strength.
Brandon: Can I use athletics instead?
Amanda: Old man strength.
Eric: No, I don't think so.
Brandon: Fuck.
Eric: If it is a throwing strength contest. I rolled a 14, my man.
Brandon: Oh, no. I have a minus 1 to strength.
Amanda: Ahh, the tension.
Brandon: What did you roll, Eric?
Eric: I rolled a 14.
Brandon: I rolled a 15 minus 1 for a 14.
Eric: Oh, let's go again! Let's do it again! Let's do it again!
Julia: Oh, Jesus Christ. Can Bartlett Help? Where's your bird?
Eric: No. Bartlett cannot help.
Julia: Get the help action.
Brandon: Bartlett is just like impotently just, like, pecking at zombies.
Amanda: Bartlett might do more harm than good, frankly.
Brandon: What did you get, Eric?
Eric: What did you get?
Brandon: No, what did you get?
Eric: I got a 17.
Brandon: I got a Natural 20, motherfucker.
All: Oh!
Julia: Brandon.
Eric: Alright. Audrey is— I will say—
Brandon: No. No. Can't stand here.
Eric: I will say you're definitely making it harder for her to go as you're digging— digging your heels into the— into the sand.
Brandon: It is exactly like a four-year-old throwing a temper tantrum in the grocery store.
Amanda: Oh, yeah, going limp?
Eric: Umbi is like that— that—
Brandon (as Umbi): No! No!
Eric: Can I say? If I was Gary Gygax, I’d call it difficult terrain, certainly. So I think that she's try— she could get a little farther away, but she— the anglerfish is gonna have to get much closer to make this happen.
Brandon: Tight.
Amanda: Nice.
Eric: Hell yes.
Amanda: Good job. Hoo.
Eric: And now, it is the pirates turn, the pi— general pirates all around, and it seems like everyone is engaging with some zombie somewhere, and we'll see how that resolves later on. And now, here at the end of the initiative, it is the keys turn— no, I'm just kidding, it's Cammie's turn.
Julia: It's me.
Brandon: What is the key doing?
Amanda: Hopefully hiding.
Eric: That's a good quest—
Julia: Hopefully, he's safe.
Eric: —good question.
Julia: Safe and fine.
Amanda: TBD.
Eric: Good question.
Julia: I would like to cast detect magic on Audrey.
Eric: Okay.
Amanda: Give her a big sniff.
Julia: And I would like to determine whether or not she is cursed.
Eric: Okay. Tell me about detect magic.
Julia: You sense the presence of magic around you within 30 feet. You sense magic in this way. You can use your action to see a faint aura around any visible creature or object that bears magic, and you learn it's school of magic, if any. Now, what I'd like to know is whether or not if she's surrounded by magic, which I am sure she is because she's a zombie, and there's necromancy kind of in there.
Eric: Uh-hmm.
Julia: I just want to know if it stems from a curse or not.
Brandon: Uh-hmm.
Eric: I'll tell you no, it does not stem from a curse.
Julia: Okay. Cool, cool, cool, cool, cool.
Eric: However, that pot that she's in, is lit up like a goddamn Christmas tree.
Julia: Uh-hmm.
Eric: But like a Christmas tree in the rich neighborhood where they're trying to outdo each other.
Julia: Yeah.
Amanda: Hmm. Like, a cold LED.
Eric: Yeah.
Amanda: It's like, we don't need this.
Eric: Like someone— someone's husband works at Raytheon and you— and reappropriated some, like, radar technology to somehow make the brightest and least eye-hurting light possible.
Brandon: Uranium lights.
Amanda: Right.
Eric: Yeah. Yeah. And clo— yeah, and close like one of those flames.
Amanda: Wait, have we thought about black light Christmas lights? That could be fun.
Brandon: Ooh that is fun.
Eric: No. Jesus was against black light.
Julia: Is it a terrapotta— or is it a terracotta pot?
Brandon: A terrapotta?
Julia: I was going to correct myself so you wouldn't have to edit it out, Brandon.
Eric: Yes, Julia, it's a terrapotta. You're right.
Julia: Terrapot.
Brandon: It's in the episode now.
Eric: Why do you ask?
Julia: No, I'm just curious for future spell purposes.
Eric: Oh, sure. I mean, yeah, I think it's a terracotta pot. It's kind of a classic in— for in the human realm that we— in which we all live. It's a classic pot, but it's like radiating some bad, bad juju. A high— high-quality, high test bad juju.
Julia: Cool. I am going to cackle.
Eric: Okay.
Julia: As a bonus action, which reactivates the hex that I put on her earlier, so it's peacebound.
Eric: Oh, the peacebound? Lovely.
Julia: Uh-hmm.
Eric: Hell yeah.
Julia: And so if she wants to free her weapon again, she has to make a strength save.
Brandon: That's cool.
Eric: I love it. I love it. I love it. It is now Umbi's turn. As you come all the way back around, Umbi, you're stuck. And Audrey the Rotten Queen is trying to pull away and be like—
Eric (as Audrey): Give me some help. I need help. Like, get— get me to the— get me to the chariot, go!
Eric: And there are, like, some zombies walking over and be like—
Eric (as Zombies): Oh, okay.
Eric: And then of course— so it's like just to get a scene here, is like it was a tense political standoff before everything exploded, and now zombies are flooding out of the ships, coming to the island, and everyone colliding into each other. The Cragish separatists are fighting a massive swath of them. Salix is trying to take care of a lot on his own, but he's getting overwhelmed and running to the sea. Lustrous is making a break for it, and it's just like— you can just see these pirate zombies are flooding in from all directions from this half-moon as some pirates are engaging with them, some are trying to leave. And all of them are trying to get out of the great invasion, of the great pirate meeting.
Brandon: Well, Eric, you know what I would like to try to do?
Eric: Yes, yes. But remember, if you take that hand off, you can't get that Chevy Malibu.
Brandon: What if I have to pee? Umbi is going to— with his one free hand, he's going to reach into his jacket cloak thing, whatever he's wearing.
Eric: Uh-hmm.
Brandon: His pirate garb.
Eric: Uh-hmm.
Brandon: Pull out a regular bomb.
Eric: Uh-hmm.
Brandon: Prime it.
Eric: Uh-hmm.
Brandon: And say— this is so stupid.
Brandon (as Umbi): How do you feel about hotpot?
Brandon: And then—
Julia: How does— how does Audrey feel about hotpot? That's a great question. You know, when you're— when you're character building, that's one of the, like, 50 questions they say you have to ask about your character.
Brandon: It's in the New York Times, the hundred and ten questions to fall in love or whatever.
Eric: A hundred— that's so many questions.
Julia: 36. 36.
Eric: No, it's funny. He said a hundred and ten.
Julia: Goddamn it.
Brandon: And he's gonna shove this bomb into the dirt, in the pot, and remove the radius. And my intention is to try to blow up—
Julia: Shatter the pot.
Brandon: —this pot, which you might say is an object or a structure.
Amanda: It is an object or a structure.
Julia: I would say, it is an object and also maybe a structure.
Eric: Here's the thing, I'm gonna tell you this, if you want to do this, you are within 5 feet. You— because you are attached to the pot, right?
Brandon: Yeah.
Eric: Okay. Just so we're establishing it.
Brandon: Worth it.
Eric: Okay.
Julia: If this is how he dies, this is how he dies.
Eric: Yeah, make a— I'm— I'm gonna think of—
Brandon: If Umbi has to die, at least he's dying doing something cool and saying a really cool thing.
Eric: Alright, roll the— roll the damage, my friend. Roll the damage.
Brandon: Oh, do I need to roll attack first?
Eric: Actually, you know, that's a good question. Yeah, roll atta— roll attack first. I want to see if this even works.
Brandon: Okay.
Julia: Come on, Brandon. Let's go, Brandon.
Brandon: 16?
Eric: Yeah, that's good.
Julia: Yeah.
Eric: I— because it's like you're not— you're not throwing it. Like, you're burying it, so it's easier. Yeah, yeah.
Brandon: Yeah. Okay, so I'm rolling 2 D 10.
Eric: Uh-hmm.
Brandon: So that is 10, which is doubled to 20, plus my intelligence mod, which is 4, so it should be 24 total.
Amanda: Okay, that's not—that's not more than half of your total HP?
Brandon: No.
Eric: Um, let me roll something real quick.
Amanda: My palm is just so sweaty.
Brandon: Do you need to get the DM screen to see what— what— what damage a potted terracotta pot— pot has?
Eric: No. I'm trying more to think about what the HP of a teena— of a teenage girl is?
Julia: Probably low.
Eric: Probably low. So what I'm going to do is I'm going to roll 3 D8, okay?
Brandon: Okay.
Eric: I think that's fair. It's an 8.
Julia: Uh-hmm.
Brandon: That's good.
Julia: Okay.
Eric: It's a 3.
Julia: Getting close.
Brandon: That was good.
Julia: One more.
Eric: That's another 8.
Julia: Okay. Alright. Alright. At least she's not dead. That's good.
Amanda: Okay.
Julia: That's good.
Eric: She's not dead.
Julia: Maybe I'm alone in that sentiment of, "It's good that she's not dead," but—
Brandon: Actually, she takes 15, because I forgot I get plus 1 damage to everything.
Julia: Oh, yeah.
Eric: Oh, right. You get plus 1 damage.
Amanda: Thanks, Gloria.
Julia: Yeah.
Brandon: So it's 25 to the pot and 15 to—
Julia: Gloria.
Brandon: —Audrey. Gloria.
Amanda: Do you ever think, "Man, I'd be great at making ringtones."? I think that all the time.
Eric: Alright. Audrey has four points of damage. 4— she has 4 HP, and the pot takes 25, yeah?
Brandon: Yeah. And did Umbi also take 15 for it?
Eric: You also take 15, yeah.
Brandon: Okay, so I'm down to 7.
Eric: Okay, great. And a 15, you shove the bomb in there, it explodes. And when the dust settles, there is a crack in this pot.
Brandon: That's good.
Eric: But that's it.
Julia: Hmm.
Brandon: Oh.
Julia: Okay.
Amanda: It's a start.
Eric: And you see this nasty, rotting amber ooze starts to seep out of the crack.
Brandon: Ooh.
Eric: Gross.
Julia: Gross.
Brandon: Can I roll something to see what that is or I could—
Eric: Do you want to lick it?
Brandon: I would like just to look at it.
Eric: No, I— I think I— I think if you— you would have to do something else to get more information about it.
Brandon: Okay.
Eric: I think that's enough.
Brandon: Got it.
Eric: It is now Archie's turn. Archie's gonna go do something.
Julia: Good job, Archie. That's why we have him on the team.
Eric: Troy, go make a— make a perception check for me.
Amanda: Well, Eric, how's a 2?
Eric: Cool.
Amanda: How's that?
Eric: Great.
Amanda: Is that good? Is this to do with one of my bruvs?
Eric: It is to do with one of your bruvs.
Amanda: Well, that's a 6.
Eric: Oh, it's a 6.
Amanda: So not to brag.
Eric: Never mind, never mind, Archie's gonna get— Archie's going to do so— Archie is going to do something. It is now—
Amanda: Remember when I— when I had the lucky feet? That was great.
Brandon: Uh-hmm.
Eric: It is now Salix and Lustrous' turn. Salix is— is throwing zombies off of him in as fast as possible, but they are coming faster and faster as more of them are making landfall and just kind of gravitating towards the big alive thing in the area. Salix is getting overwhelmed by these pirates zombies.
Brandon: Oh, no.
Eric: And Lustrous is somewhere else.
Julia: Uh-oh.
Eric: It is now Tessie the Storm's turn.
Brandon: Woo!
Julia: Oh, now you're pro Tessie the Storm, huh, Brandon?
Brandon: I'm glad we didn't kill her now.
Julia: Yeah. See?
Eric (as Tessie): No one makes me leave in the middle of the workday to take care of something I wasn't supposed to do!
Eric: As Tessie storms towards—
Julia: But—
Eric: Yes. Yeah, that's fun.
Amanda: Hey.
Brandon: Nice.
Eric: Tessie storms towards Cammie, Umbi, and Audrey the Rotten Queen.
Brandon (as Umbi): Tessie, I loosened the pot for you. I loosened the pot for you.
Eric (as Audrey): Tessie, I'm such a big fan. If we could just like take a time to find some time to reso— to talk and to set a meeting for all this.
Eric (as Tessie): I don't like being interrupted.
Brandon (as Umbi): I'm not a fan, and that's how you know I'm telling the truth. Get the pot, get the pot.
Eric: And Aud— that's when Audrey holds out the document. Tessie snatches it with one of the hands she has that's not holding—
Amanda: She’s got 8, baby.
Eric: —that's not holding a sword.
Amanda: Oh, yeah.
Julia: Cool, cool, cool.
Eric: She looks at it, she turns it over, she reads it over, and says—
Eric (as Tessie): Why do you have this?
Eric: And Audrey says—
Eric (as Audrey): Even in a young person, some people see potential wherever it comes from.
Eric: Tessie huffs, gives the document back, and says—
Eric (as Tessie): Fine. You know, it's— it's in my code to respect documentation.
Brandon (as Umbi): Goddamn it, Tessie. I should have killed you when I had the chance.
Eric (as Tessie): Just tell Dr. Radish he owes me.
Eric: And Tessie walks back to the door.
Julia: Hey, what?
Eric: Walks through and slams—
Brandon: Hey—
Julia: Hey, what?
Amanda: Hey, what?
Eric: —and slams it close.
Julia: Hey, shut the fuck up. What?
Brandon: Hey, what?
Amanda: What the fuck?
Brandon: Hey, what?
Julia: Hey, hey, Eric, what?
Brandon: Hey, Eric, what the fuck?
Eric: It's the zombies turn and the zombies—
Julia: Fuck you.
Eric: —the zombies are overwhelming a lot of the living pirates. Pirates ships are going down. There are people screaming. It is the beginning of a horror movie happening on the island. And a lot of them with bites taken out of their faces, and hands, and legs, and limbs are starting to turn. These Greenfolk are going bad.
Julia: Hrm.
Eric: But luckily, maybe it's because they have cool weird horses and it's poisonous to people who are eating it. The nightshades of the Crags separatists are mowing down plenty, and Aubergine seems at peace.
Julia: Good for him.
Eric: And then just, like, rips the zombie in half.
Amanda: Yeah.
Brandon: Yeah.
Eric: And it's now Troy's turn.
Amanda: Yes.
Eric: And you and Havana are gonna go in the same turn.
Amanda: Okay. Troy is going to turn to Havana, and by turn I mean, pull back a couple inches, because he's been pressing little kisses to Havana's face.
Eric: As you're running away, yeah.
Amanda: Yeah.
Amanda (as Troy): Do you—do you think you can help Umbi or is— is he too close in the middle of stuff? I'm— I'm worried about him. He's looking really weak.
Eric (as Havana): I can try— I can try to get in there, but it's— it'd be— it'd be hard. But I'm willing to— I'm willing to— I'm willing to make that sacrifice for Umbi, my friend, who I love and my mentor, and you, Troy, who I love and also is my mentor. And Cammie, thrice who I love and is also my mentor. I'm willing to make that sacrifice.
Julia (as Cammie): I love you.
Brandon: Is Havana hallucinating, Eric?
Amanda (as Troy): Because, like, also everybody around here— what's a zombie is— is very messed up re— the planter. And so I know that's not like your whole biz anymore, but is there anything that we can do to like, I don't know, make the— make the stray— those who strayed off the path stray even further?
Eric (as Havana): Troy—
Eric: I'm so excited I get to say this.
Eric (as Havana): Troy, I'm not a zombie hunter, I'm a doctor.
Julia: Yeah. Proud of you.
Eric: Thank you. I'm re— thank you for setting me up.
Eric (as Havana): I don't know.
Amanda (as Troy): Okay. Go help Umbi and I'm going to help Salix.
Amanda: So Troy is going to use another risk die to do a dodge roll. That means that I, as a bonus action, move up to 15 feet and reload my firearm. It doesn't provoke opportunity attacks, ignores difficult terrain, and lets me move through a hostile creature space as long as I don't end my movement there. Can I dodge roll through the horde of branches of Alba Salix and hang on to his trunk?
Brandon: I don't see why not.
Eric: That's what you want? You want to get right in the middle?
Amanda: I want to get up in him, so I can help fight the people, sorry, that are— that are hanging on to him.
Julia: You want to get right up in him?
Eric: Yeah, you can do that if you want, for sure. Yeah. You— Troy, use break off from Havana. You dash into the water and dive, and cutting through the zombies that are on the outer— still on the outer limbs of Salix.
Amanda: Uh-hmm.
Eric: You're gonna make a little hutch for yourself inside of him and you can—
Amanda: Around his trunk?
Eric: Yes.
Amanda: That's a 21 athletics—
Eric: You can shoot out—
Amanda: —in case that helps.
Eric: Yeah, no, that's cool. Hell yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Amanda: Yeah.
Eric: It's a cool dive, yeah.
Amanda (as Troy): Oh, hello, Salix, it's me Troy Riptide, I'm going to help you.
Amanda: And then Troy is going to— he can, like, reload firearms while doing that. So he emerges— Troy's hands from Salix's branches, a dagger in each, and I'm going to start poking at whatever pirates are near me.
Brandon: What a fucking badass. I love it.
Eric: Sure. Make some attacks for me.
Amanda: Yeah. Okay.
Brandon (as Umbi): I'm gonna Troy and rip your tides.
Amanda: Nice. So it's— first one is 12 to hit.
Eric: Uh-hmm.
Amanda: Next, we got a 13 to hit.
Eric: Okay. You cut— you're stabbing at the ha— at these hands. You're— you're like in the mi— you inserted yourself in the middle of a zombie movie.
Amanda: Yeah.
Eric: It was like the zombies are now reaching through Salix. Troy's trying to get you and you're just stabbing them.
Amanda: Yeah.
Eric: Okay? I mean, it's cool you did that— that's sick that you did that.
Amanda: Do either of those attacks hit?
Eric: I— I think that you are, like, fending it off. You're do— you're doing—
Amanda: I’m interrupting some attacks, yeah.
Eric: You're using it to action to do something else.
Amanda: Okay.
Eric: Yeah, you're trying as— as hard as you can, but we'll see how that goes. Alright. I'm gonna make a roll here. Here's what— okay. I want to explain to you what happened here, because this is what Havana sees running up. Audrey is trying to escape, there is the gaping maw of the zombie anglerfish in the water, right?
Brandon: Uh-hmm.
Eric: Cammie is kinda like standing behind, trying to talk to Audrey. And Audrey is like on death's door at the moment, as much as that could be, She's ringing the doorbell, right? And Umbi is now has his hand glued to the pot, right?
Brandon: Uh-hmm.
Eric: And you're stuck to it, but it is unclear, to Havana running up, how or why your hand is stuck to the pot, right?
Brandon: Okay.
Eric: Why would someone do that to himself, maybe?
Julia: Great question.
Amanda: Unless you know Umbi.
Eric: Unless you know Umbi. So I'm going to roll an Investigation Check to see how— what Havana's— understands about what the situation is happening here.
Brandon: Okay.
Julia: Great, great, great.
Brandon: Okay, okay.
Amanda: That's fair.
Julia: Yep, yep, yep. No questions. So it was a Nat 1?
Brandon: Oh, no.
Eric: Amanda, what— what thing is investigation again?
Julia: It's intelligence I believe.
Amanda: Yep.
Eric: Oh, it's intelligence, the reading one?
Julia: Yeah, the reading one. It's— it's book smarts, not street smarts.
Eric: It's book smarts, right. Yeah.
Brandon: Well, Havana is book smarts.
Julia: Uh-hmm.
Eric: He is. He is book smarts. He is book smarts.
Julia: We did switch him over to book smarts.
Eric: And I'm adding— add a 4 to the 4 that I rolled on the dice.
Brandon: Ooh.
Julia: Woo.
Amanda: Tough.
Eric: For an 8.
Brandon: I mean, he can't ta— he can't unglue me, so it doesn't matter.
Eric: Why not?
Julia: He doesn't have a thing of Goobie gun.
Brandon: The only way that it can be broken is by universal solvent Oil of Etherealness illness or a wish spell.
Julia: A wish spell?
Amanda: Too bad he's not Brandon with all of his solvents.
Julia: And tinctures.
Eric: You also have a univer— do you have a universal solvent?
Brandon: I mean, probably. Yeah, it's a potion I have.
Julia: Probably.
Brandon: I— you— it's a potion I have, I just— yeah.
Julia: I know. It's just funny that you would glue yourself down and be like, "I think I can make another thing that lets me leave later."
Eric: I'm gonna roll again and see if in— in his big doctor bag, he has a universal solvent in there, because if you've made it before—
Brandon: That's probably— because—
Eric: Right?
Brandon: You know, you have to dissolve stitches and stuff like that, so—
Eric: Yeah, right. That—
Amanda: He— he super glue shit to themselves all the time.
Eric: I— again, I'm rolling once and then I'm rolling again. I don't want to make this decision. It's just like— if you know how to make it, you've probably shown it to him at some point and he might have it in his doctor bag. Because, again, as a ma— as a doctor, he's not magical anymore. He's not a cleric, he's not a— a— a druid. He's not the black magic person, he's a doctor. And he has stuff, right?
Brandon: Uh-hmm.
Eric: Like the investigator class of— in Valda's, right? So I'm gonna roll again to see if he has universal solvent on him.
Brandon: Okay.
Eric: It was on a 4 and then it rolled again to an 11 plus 4, which is 15.
Julia: Yay.
Eric: He's like— he's like looking around in the bag and like—
Julia: We did it.
Eric (as Havana): Um— Umbi, I don't— I don't have anything to help you, what do you need? What do you need?
Brandon (as Umbi): It's okay. I just need some— some health points if you can hit me up, like stitch me up a little bit.
Amanda (as Troy): The clothing, totally intentional.
Eric: Alright. I'm gonna try to roll, see if he can throw a potion at you. Oh, I rolled a 5. He takes a— he takes one of the— he, like— you— maybe you brewed a healing potion for him in an emergency, and he tries to throw it at you, and it just goes wide right.
Brandon: Can I roll up maybe like a dex check to see if I can catch it, or something?
Eric: Well, you can do one of two things. I'll say, how about here— I'd say it either— and I'll roll again, because I think it's fair. Would you like to see if he'll throw you a potion, or would you—do you want him to get up close?
Brandon: I would like him to get up close.
Eric: Okay. He get up close, he's getting right up in there. He's running right up to you and be like—
Eric (as Havana): Oh, don't worry. I think international law says as a doctor I can be here.
Eric: He takes out like a jug of potion and he pours it all over you.
Brandon (as Umbi): This is so heroic of you, Havana.
Eric: You get 12 points of HP back. I rolled 2 D10.
Brandon: Okay.
Julia: That's almost back to where you were before.
Brandon: Okay. This is good. This is good. This is good, guys. This is good, this is good.
Brandon (as Umbi): Now if you have any movement left, go away.
Julia: Being last in this initiative is killing me.
Eric: It is now Kid Cervantes' turn and you see a ship, one of the burning ships, takes a hard left into another ship and they— and they collide.
Amanda: Yeah.
Brandon: Yeah.
Julia: Doing a great job.
Amanda: He's the best.
Eric: And now, it is Audrey's turn. Audrey is going to move her hands rhythmically, and the nasty yellow amber magic is coming off of them, as she moves the water and shapes the water to pull the anglerfish to be as close to her as possible.
Julia: Counterspell.
Eric: Oka— okay. Oh, I'm gonna counterspell your counterspell.
Brandon: Oh, shit.
Eric: What cou— what level is your counterspell? Because I assume it's low, because shape water is like lev— like level one.
Julia: Counterspell by definition is third level, and I didn't specify that it was at a higher level. So—
Eric: Okay. So can I counterspell your count— I can just counterspell your counterspell?
Julia: You can counterspell my counterspell.
Eric: Yeah
Julia: No worries.
Eric: The pot glows, the sickly yellow, and— and snatches the counterspell right out of your hands, Cammie.
Julia: That's alright.
Brandon (as Umbi): Oh, shit.
Eric: The water continues to move, i— the anglerfish's mouth stretches wide and breathes a nasty noxiousness all over Umbi and Cammie. And she puts her entire body inside of the anglerfish's mouth, and the anglerfish is going to snap down to cut off Umbi's hand.
Brandon: How do I resist this?
Eric: I'm going to make an attack and I'm going to see if I get you down to zero. If I get you down to zero, it's going to do it.
Brandon: Okay.
Eric: Okay? So it's gonna— I'm going to take two attacks against you. 11 plus 6 for a 17.
Brandon: Uh-hmm.
Eric: Okay. And that is a 4 plus six for a 10.
Brandon: The second one does not hit, then.
Eric: Okay. First hit.
Amanda: If Havana's potion means Umbi keeps his hand, I'm going to be very happy.
Brandon: On the other hand, think about a pirate with peg arm.
Amanda: Also good.
Julia: Hook.
Brandon: Or hook arm, yeah.
Amanda: You can make like a bomb,—like you know the— the dog thrower— tennis ball throwers, you can do that but for bombs.
Brandon: Yeah. Amanda, I could.
Amanda: Yeah.
Brandon: That's a fucking good idea.
Amanda: Right?
Brandon: Chop off my arm, chop off my arm.
Amanda: A little gore.
Eric: Is that 18, 18?
Brandon: Nope. I got one left, motherfucker.
Eric: No!
Amanda: Yay!
Eric: No! No! No! Damn it!
Amanda: Yes!
Eric: Damn it. Alright, you're down to 1, h— 1 point of HP.
Brandon (as Umbi): Oh! What the fuck, man? I thought we had a dea— a cool deal going?
Brandon: We didn't.
Eric: No, you absolutely did. Not even a li— not even a little bit, not even a little bit.
Amanda: Incredible.
Eric: Audrey says—
Eric (as Audrey): Get me out of here!
Eric: The anglerfish also starts to turn away, and pull Umbi away with it. Umbi, you have one hit point left. It's the pirate's turn. A lot more of the pirates are starting to retreat as they're seeing that their brethren are getting turned to zombies. And the zombies themselves are coming closer and closer to the people who are fighting and winning, which are the Cragish separatists and Salix, and what's happening on the beach. Cammie, it's your turn.
Julia: I don't have eyes on Audrey anymore, do I?
Eric: What do you mean eyes?
Amanda: Well, the mouth can be closed all the way.
Eric: Yeah.
Amanda: Because Umbi's still there.
Eric: Exactly.
Julia: Oh, wonderful. Umbi, I am so sorry.
Brandon: No, don't knock me out.
Julia: Why?
Brandon: Because I have a thing I need to do to Audrey.
Julia: Bitch, how many times have I been in your fucking blast radius from a fucking bomb?
Eric: Incredible.
Brandon: If you don't want to break this pot, then go ahead and kill me.
Julia: I do want to break this pot, and I'm about to.
Brandon: Okay, okay.
Julia: Because I'm about to cast shatter at fourth level.
Brandon: What that do? Shit.
Julia: That is going to be 5 D 8 thunder damage. They have to make it— actually, sorry, real quick. Point of order—
Eric: Sure.
Julia: —before we do that, Cammie is going to cackle again to continue the hex on Audrey. We're continuing with peace bound.
Eric: Uh-hmm.
Julia: She is going to do shatter at a fourth level, which means it's going to be 5 D 8 thunder damage. And because of insidious spell when you cast a witch spell that affects a creature that is under the effect of a hex, that creature has disadvantage on its first saving throw against the spell.
Amanda: Cool.
Julia: So she needs to make a constitution saving throw that she has disadvantage on.
Eric: Okay.
Brandon: Are you hitting her or the pot?
Julia: I'm hitting everything within a 10-foot radius.
Brandon: Okay.
Julia: So Umbi needs to also make a save.
Brandon: Yeah.
Julia: The anglerfish also needs to make a save.
Eric: I'd say Havana does as well.
Julia: Havana is still attached to Umbi?
Eric: Havana got all up in there.
Julia: Great.
Eric: I rolled a 2 for Audrey, so—
Julia: Cool.
Brandon: It doesn't really matter what I roll, I'm gonna die anyway.
Julia: Yeah. But you know you're not going to die out right, either way, probably.
Eric: Well, the anglerfish also got a Nat 1.
Julia: Great.
Brandon: [dice roll] I got a 10 total.
Julia: 8. [dice roll] 6. [dice roll] 7.
Amanda: Uh-hmm.
Julia: [dice roll] 3.
Amanda: Uh-hmm.
Julia: [dice roll] And another 6.
Amanda: 30.
Brandon: 30, yeah.
Amanda: 24 plus 6, yeah.
Julia: 30 thunder damage.
Eric: Okay.
Brandon: Well, Umbi's dead. Not literally—
Amanda: Down, he's down.
Brandon: —he's knocked out.
Amanda: I love him just like flopping around unconscious.
Brandon: True dead weight on this pot.
Amanda: Never.
Eric: Okay. Tell me, what does shatter look like from Cammie, first of all?
Brandon: Hmm.
Julia: That's a good question, because Cammie hasn't used the spell yet. So I think Cammie's shatter sort of looks like— you know, when they try to animate soundwaves and it looks like ripples through the air? It looks like that except it is the sound of, like, porcelain cracking and, like, clinging together and stuff like that.
Eric: Uh-hmm.
Julia: And then it focuses on one point and then everything else reverberates from there.
Amanda: Like skipping a stone.
Eric: Cool. Okay. So Umbi's down, Audrey's down, Havana's down. Havana just, like, grabs his ears and then falls on the ground.
Julia: Cool.
Eric: Audrey, same thing. She just almost like passes out while standing. She just, like, wilts over in the— in the mouth of this anglerfish, just wilts over as the pot and Umbi's hand. She is now taught— attach to an unconscious Umbi, is just lolling out of its mouth. The anglerfish is still kicking. This thing has taken 55 damage, right? Cracks erupt throughout this pot. Oozing nasty, nasty sap, rotten amber gross sap from the pot. It is barely holding together. The sap is leaking out fully and starting to take form around the pot itself. It's almost reforming and sticking together now with the nasty stuff on the outside, instead of the inside. This matters as two hands are formed out of this goop.
Brandon: Two goop hands?
Eric: Two goop hands—
Julia: Two goop hands.
Eric: —forms out and is pulling— trying to pull Umbi off of the cracking pot.
Julia: Probably for the best, at this point.
Eric: Umbi, you are back in— you're back at the bar mitzvah—
Brandon (as Umbi): Oh, shit.
Eric: —slow dancing with your daughter. Please make a death saving throw.
Brandon (as Umbi): Goddamn it. Not again.
Julia: At least it resets now.
Brandon: Oh, that's a 9, so that's a failure.
Eric: That's a failure.
Julia: He's fine. I'm not worried.
Eric: It's Archie's turn. Now, Salix is— Salis is in there, Salix says—
Eric (as Salix): Troy, I appreciate what you're doing for me, but this is a fight you can't win.
Eric: You're like hearing it inside of where you are.
Eric (as Salix): This is a fight you can't win. I'm giving myself up to the horde.
Amanda (as Troy): No.
Eric (as Salix): Just come and get me back afterwards.
Amanda (as Troy): You have to take Cammie, please.
Julia (as Cammie): No.
Eric (as Salix): That's going to happen in the future. It's a date for another time, I'll put it in my black book when I got a chance again. You get it?
Amanda (as Troy): What?
Eric (as Salix): You save yourself— you save yourself, Troy. You save yourself.
Eric (as Lustrous): Golden Lariat!
Julia: What?
Eric: As— as a— a lasso shoots through the trees, and grabs Troy by the foot, and pulls him out. And Troy, you're bubbling and flailing in the sea.
Amanda (as Troy): I'm very confused.
Eric: You're getting pulled in by Lustrous Recompense, and be like—
Eric (as Lustrous): I know you're not asking for it, but I do a lot of saving of people that no one's asked for.
Amanda (as Troy): But— but Salix—
Eric (as Lustrous): Salix will take care of themselves. That's what I love about them.
Amanda (as Troy): Okay. Can we go— can we go kill Audrey now, please?
Eric (as Lustrous): We can try. Sweet Troy, we can try.
Eric: And then Salix is pulled under the surf by zombie pirates.
Amanda (as Troy): No!
Eric: Tessie the Storm is respecting government boundaries.
Julia: Fuck that.
Amanda: Goddamn it.
Eric: The zombies are continuing to overtake the pirates. There are no pirates here anymore. They're either all zombies or all the pirate— all the other pirates that were here just hanging out and tailgating are gone. It is Havana's turn, who is down. [dice roll] He rolled an 11.
Julia: Good.
Brandon: That's a save.
Amanda: Alright.
Julia: That's a pass.
Eric: The zombies have won. The pirates are not here. And as you are all looking around, those of you who are not knocked out, you see that the— the zombies are bearing down on you. They have achieved like NPCs in Civilization 5. They have done the task that they're supposed to do and now they're going back to their leader to get instruction and that— everyone start— there's a whole lot of zombies coming towards you.
Amanda: Hmm.
Julia: Cool, cool, cool, cool, cool.
Eric: Troy, it is your turn.
Amanda: First, Troy is going to yell—
Amanda (as Troy): It's time for our hot exit, boys!
Eric: "Skreee!" As the— the Sea Whip, ready to go, motors its way towards you. They put on a cool electric motor while you were gone. They—
Brandon: What?
Amanda: That's fun.
Eric: They put it together. It's like a really big outboor— outbound motor, and it's cool.
Amanda: Cool.
Brandon: Are you saying that for flavies or we get some bonus speed?
Eric: And it just like it's made out of rocket fuel and—
Brandon: Yo!
Eric: —and it has like a cool thing on the back. And now— and Sil— it's because Sil has cybernetic parts now after being dead.
Amanda: Cute.
Julia: Interesting.
Brandon: I don't know when he's joking or not.
Eric: I don't know either, Brandon.
Amanda: Yeah.
Eric: But the Sea Whip is coming towards you.
Amanda: Great.
Julia: If it's on mic, it's canon.
Amanda: Then Troy treading water with his strong, strong core is going to knock back another arrow and shoot it right into the pot. Okay. So that's a 16 to hit.
Eric: That hits.
Amanda: Great.
Brandon: Get it, get it, get it
Amanda: Do it again.
Brandon: Get it, get it, get it, get it, get it.
Amanda: Okay. That's a 14 to hit.
Eric: 1 4 does not hit.
Amanda: Okay. So I will use ricochet on my second attack.
Eric: Uh-hmm.
Amanda: So—oh, no, that's less.
Eric: That'll do.
Amanda: Okay. Never mind. Alright. So then I at least have one damage die. Okay, so that's 7 plus 5, 12 points of piercing.
Eric: Oh, my God. This thing had 55 points, right? And I'm like it's pretty bad.
Julia: Troy Riptide.
Eric: It's pretty bad. What— what would be a cool number for a bad thing? Oh, 66 is a good a P— HP number, right?
Julia: Okay. Not what I thought you're gonna say, but sure.
Eric: Julia, I'm not gonna make it 69 for the bad pot.
Amanda: You could, you could.
Julia: But you could have.
Eric: But I— I want to do the mark— what, I'm not allowed to do the mark of the beast? I'm not allowed?
Julia: You are.
Amanda: No, you can.
Eric: The little— the little Mark— Mark of the Beast lil'?
Amanda: Yeah.
Brandon: The small version.
Eric: Junior?
Brandon: Junior.
Amanda: Taylor's version.
Brandon: Taylor's version.
Amanda: No, that's bigger. Damn it. That's four 6s.
Eric: So— so 55 plus 14 is more than 66 as the pot—
Amanda: 69, in fact.
Eric: Oh, it's 69, in fact.
Julia: It's exactly 69.
Amanda: Yes, it's— exactly.
Eric: It's the sex number.
Amanda: Troy is not interested, but Amanda is.
Julia: Uh-hmm.
Eric: The pot shatters, and the zombies that are swarming all of you, that are swarming the island, stop walking towards Audrey. For a moment, their instructions have been halted. They've been paused, there's a break in the communication. The pot splits fully and the goo, the ooze inside continues to spill out, and move itself into four legs. The body of a quadruped animal that has now— Audrey is bloomed out of the top, like the neck of a Brontosaurus.
Brandon: Cool.
Julia: Cool, cool, cool, cool. Like a Nuckaleevee?
Eric: Just like a Nuckaleevee, you're right.
Julia: Scary.
Eric: And the goo forms into four legs. The goo pushes the anglerfish's mouth open and stands upon the water. It almost— it is like floating, like it is magnetized— reverse magnetized against the water, against something so alive as the Great Salt Sea. And the four-legged Goo Monster says—
Eric (as Goo Monster): You cannot stop me. I have been in prison before, and now I am released. Once I find a vessel to hold us all, I will cow the Verda Stello to me. You will find the way, everything will be in order. The salmon will do what I say. And Audrey, the Rotten Queen, underneath my council, will rule every corner of this circular world radiating outwards, a mold, a blight, a spore upon it all. You’ll see, it will happen. I guess it's a race to find the salmon first. I better hope for your sake that you find it before me.
Julia (as Cammie): And who— who are you?
Eric: The goo creature runs over the surf, jumping and leaping over the waves like a graceful and terrible horse running into nowhere. The zombies collapse with bones and teeth and rot. A compost pile of what once was of a wide swath of the Great Salt Sea turned into mulch, turned back into people, and then back into mulch.
[theme]