The crew is finally let into Archie and Gaze’s not-so-secret hideout. They’re being surrounded by lawmen, sure, but what’s with the arcane security measures? Who are they keeping out… or keeping in?
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Cast & Crew
- Game Master, Co-Producer: Eric Silver
- Co-Host (Umbi), Co-Producer, Sound Designer, Composer: Brandon Grugle
- Co-Host (Chamomile Cassis), Co-Producer: Julia Schifini
- Co-Host (Troy Riptide), Co-Producer: Amanda McLoughlin
- Theme Song: Lyrics by Eric Silver, music by Brandon Grugle. Vocals by Brandon Grugle, Lauren Shippen, Julia Schifini, Roux Bedrosian, Eric Silver, Tyler Silver, and Amanda McLoughlin. Available for purchase here.
- Artwork: Allyson Wakeman
- Multitude: https://multitude.productions
About Us
Join the Party is an actual play podcast with tangible worlds, genre-pushing storytelling, and collaborators who make each other laugh each week. We welcome everyone to the table, from longtime players to folks who’ve never touched a roleplaying game before. Hop into our current campaign, a pirate story set in a world of plant- and bug-folk, or marathon our completed stories with the Camp-Paign, a MOTW game set in a weird summer camp, Campaign 2 for a modern superhero game, and Campaign 1 for a high fantasy story. And once a month we release the Afterparty, where we answer your questions about the show and how we play the game. New episodes every Tuesday.
Transcript
Eric: I remember a time before the Cascade dried up. Here in Verda Stello, the four nations of plant and bug people flourished and thrived. But the great waterfall that fed the land slowed to a trickle, revealing a vast Salt Sea and unknown islands. The only guide were the words of the 13 Dried Carvings. "The water will slow to fall, but the tides are turning. Find the Infinite Lake to replenish the world and discover the Salmon who will grant you a wish of whatever you desire." This marks the beginning of the Tide, as many Greenfolk hauled onto ships to find the Infinite Lake and maybe riches, adventure, excitement, and purpose along the way. And what exactly is a salmon? Is that a berry? That was 50 years ago, and the Tide rushes forward ever still. There are many stories caught on the wind between sails, but why don't we hear just one? Of a butterfly gunman with clipped wings, a ripened and explosive piece of produce, and a witch made out of tea. This is Join the Party Campaign 3, The Rising Tide!
[theme]
Amanda: Last time on Join the Party.
Eric: The crew climbed to the top of Mango Crossing, but Archimedes Sevens and the Key with a Gaze won't let them into the force field that they've set up. They need permission. They need a password to prove they are who they say they are. Luckily, there's a ghost who has that password. Unluckily, that ghost is a deeply traumatized teenager from The Hunger Games. The ghost is in a cave full of tortango eggs, and there's a tortango mother waiting to come around, and some blood sucking orchid parasites that hang around. With some never before seen high rolls from Brandon, the crew released the incredibly annoying ghost from the soul gem that held his spirit and get the password. Onwards, upwards, let's not get beaten down or get off track. Straight on to the end of the arc, let's get the party started.
Eric: Folks, it's October 2nd today, and since Tuesday, September 10th, we've recorded two canonical episodes of the feed—
Julia: Uh-hmm.
Eric: —since then, in the last four weeks.
Brandon: And even more non-canonical ones.
Julia: Uh-hmm.
Amanda: Uh-hmm.
Eric: Well, we're recording some Party Plannings as well and also—
Brandon: Oh, that's true.
Eric: —we did that one where Deadpool was there.
Brandon: Yeah.
Eric: So remember in Watchmen, when Dr. Manhattan shows up, but he's, like, not sure how to put his body parts together yet. So there's just, like—
Julia: Uh-hmm.
Eric: —lungs walking through this atomic—
Brandon: Uh-hmm. Uh-hmm.
Julia: Yeah.
Eric: It's like an atomic center. That's how I feel right now.
Brandon: Hmm. Uh-hmm.
Julia: Okay,
Brandon: My skin is blue, and I'm still trying to figure out how to reconstitute myself after having all my atoms taken apart, re eight canonical recordings in 22 days.
Brandon: I've heard that Mars is really nice, so you could take a sabbatical on Mars.
Eric: That would be nice. That'd be cool.
Brandon: Yeah.
Julia: My brain immediately goes, "Skin's blue, dick's out."
Brandon: Why, Julia? I mean, I know why, but why, Julia?
Julia: I mean, you know why.
Eric: That's what Dr. Manhattan would do.
Brandon: That was the second thing. The first thing was lungs, second thing was dick out.
Julia; Uh-hmm.
Brandon: But he figured out.
Julia: Uh-hmm.
Eric: I like the idea they were coming over the Manhattan Project, and there's just, like, a dick and balls walking by. Was that in Oppenheimer? Did that make it to the Oppenheimer?
Julia: I don't think so.
Brandon: It was in the outtakes, but yeah.
Eric: Okay.
Julia: Hmm.
Amanda: 300 minutes, they couldn't find time for the dick and balls.
Julia: No.
Brandon: Yeah. They found the time for the naked woman about four times, but no dick and balls.
Julia: Hmm.
Eric: Yeah, but that woman needed to die or Chris Nolan can't go to sleep at night.
Brandon: That's true.
Julia: Damn, true.
Amanda: So, Eric, is it helpful if we just spend the first minutes of this episode just sort of, like, running back at eight times speed us climbing the mountain the first time?
Brandon: Hmm.
Amanda: Because we fucking already did this part. We should have the goddamn password.
Brandon: Amanda, how do you feel about us having to go up and down the mountain? Good, bad?
Julia: Like, really positive, it seems like.
Amanda: Very annoyed. It's a testament to Eric's art that this NPC annoyed me so much I thought about him multiple times while falling asleep this week.
Julia: Wow.
Brandon: Is that because Eric—
Amanda: Goddamn fucking twinks.
Brandon: —was in your ear as you're falling asleep like—
Julia: [scoffs]
Brandon: —"You're falling— I can't believe you're falling asleep."?
Eric: "Falling asleep at 9:30. What are you, a baby? I didn't have the luxury of being a baby, not on the streets."
Amanda: I don't believe you.
Eric: No, I just like— I feel like I fell into a vat of acid, and now I'm the Joker.
Julia: Uh-hmm.
Eric: A little bit.
Julia: Cool.
Brandon: Now, because we had to go up and down this mountain a couple times, Amanda, are you the Harley Quinn of this situation now too?
Amanda: Would Troy look good in pigtails? Yes, I think I am.
Julia: Yes.
Eric: I'm now imagining Troy with a giant mallet.
Julia: Oh.
Amanda: Cute.
Eric: That's pretty good.
Amanda: He, like, dip die his wings one hot pink, one hot blue.
Julia: I love that for him.
Eric: Troy's wearing the booty shorts from the first Suicide Squad.
Brandon: Of course. Of course. He gotta.
Amanda: Tell me you can't look away, bro. Tell me you can look away, bro. Tell me.
Brandon: That's what I've imagined this whole time, so I don't know what's different.
Julia: Yeah. Has Troy not been in booty shorts this entire time?
Eric: What would you call those, though? Those aren't even booty. Those are, like, inside of you. That's what— those are body cavity shorts.
Amanda: Oh, no.
Eric: Right?
Amanda: I don't like this.
Brandon: I don't that's gonna sell as well, Eric.
Amanda: I don't like this.
Eric: Like, you gotta go— it's like, I have to go to the hospital and see if these booty shorts are a pre-existing condition.
Julia: They're up inside of me.
Brandon: But you can't deny me for them.
Julia: Yeah.
Eric: For all of our European listeners, this joke means— so I'm gonna stare at the wall for, like, 10 minutes, and then you guys, like, walk up the mountain and make some jokes.
Brandon: Right. Yeah, yeah.
Julia: Okay. So in the meantime, we find the salmon. Everyone gets all of the wishes that they wish for.
Eric: No.
Brandon: Yeah.
Eric: Julia, this is like, "No, I'll take care of your kid." It's like, "Who wants candy?"
Julia: Exactly.
Eric: All right.
Brandon: What if we find the salmon and wish for you to be refreshed and refilled, Eric?
Amanda: Oh.
Eric: That's gonna be complicated, because you're supposed to turn the Cascade back on.
Brandon: Oh.
Julia: Okay. I mean, do we have to?
Eric: No, you don't.
Julia: Oh.
Eric: It's definitely up for twice. Okay. So I think there has to be a poorly rendered cutscene where Umbi, I think, clips into the side of the cave—
Julia: Uh-hmm.
Eric: —a little bit, where you're running out with the bed blooms snapping behind you. Troy has to pull one off of his foot because it was still on there.
Amanda (as Troy): Ugh.
Brandon: Yakety Sax playing in the background.
Julia: Ya, ta, ta. Ya, ta, ta, tada.
Eric: But at, like, the end of Yakety Sax, we're like, "Okay, we're done."
Brandon: Where, like, it gets, like—
Julia: Okay.
Brandon: —overly dramatic and into minor key at the end?
Eric: Oh, minor key Yakety Sax?
Brandon: Yeah. Do you remember that part of it?
Eric: Has Shonda Rhimes done that? She should try that. That's awesome. So remember, you are outside of this cave. You still gotta go back up. Troy, you'd still have the best way to go, but you still gotta make your way back up. Below you, the fires are getting brighter as the Diamond Knot soldiers are throwing more wood on their fire for their nighttime— they're like, "Hey, don't sneak up on us." Fires. "Hey, it's too bright. You can't sneak up on me."
Julia: Hey, hey.
Eric: "Hey, don't do it."
Brandon: "Don't do it."
Eric: And the fire up at the top of the island is still warm, hot, and maybe has, like, a hot dog or two being roasted on there.
Julia: Ooh.
Brandon: Delicious.
Eric: But I can't be sure. I can't tell you for sure, unless you go up there.
Brandon: Okay.
Julia: As we're going up the mountain, can Cammie be, like, extra on the lookout for the big bat-bird creatures that we spotted earlier?
Eric: Sure. Give me a perception check.
Julia: Okay. [dice roll] A 15 plus three for an 18.
Brandon: That's good.
Eric: Cool. You can see that there's something circling up above. But with the 18, I'll tell you that the Key with a Gaze did shoot one out of the sky earlier.
Julia: Uh-hmm.
Eric: That was one of them.
Julia: Okay. Can I, like, hold a reaction if this thing dive bombs like us, or Bartlett, or something like that?
Eric: Sure, sure.
Julia: Cool.
Brandon: Does anyone have a mirror that we can just hold above our heads the entire time?
Julia: No.
Amanda: No. I'm sorry to say.
Brandon: You know that classic bird repellent technique where you hold a mirror above your head?
Julia: Uh-hmm.
Amanda: It does scare them.
Julia: They don't like it. Looks like another bird.
Eric: Cool. So do you want to just head— you want to head up there? You want to head up there sneaky? What do you— give me an adjective that describes how you're heading back up.
Julia: Carefully.
Amanda: I would also say carefully.
Brandon: I was gonna say with abandon and quickly, so—
Amanda: Troy would actually love to do another survival check, because sometimes the way you think is the right one is not, in fact, the right one.
Julia: Also sometimes forests change.
Brandon: What?
Eric: You were all fine. You can go a different way, and you can be protected.
Brandon: Oh, thank God.
Eric: But I will ask you all to make some stealth checks. I'm gonna combine them all together, because Troy knows the knows a pretty optimal way to stay close and down. I'm only looking for a 30. That's 10s across the board.
Brandon: Okay, okay. Not bad.
Julia: Well, I rolled a nine.
Eric: Interesting, good start.
Brandon: Okay.
Julia: Uh-hmm. Uh-hmm.
Amanda: 17 for Troy.
Julia: Solid start. All right. Thank you, Troy.
Eric: All right, 9 plus 17 is a 28. Umbi needs to not get a Natural 1.
Brandon: I got a one and then a three after it, plus three, so 16.
Julia: Yay.
Amanda: Oh, phew. I was in the— as my head being like, "Okay, one plus three is four. Does a four actually make it? It might, it might."
Eric: You can both carefully and with a little bit of abandon.
Brandon: Ooh.
Julia: With a little bit of abandon.
Brandon: A soupçon of abandon.
Eric: A touch of it. A—
Julia: You're like, "Eh, I don't like you."
Eric: "Huh. I know what I'm doing."
Amanda: No.
Eric: You can stay under the trees and stay out sight of anyone peeping on you.
Brandon: Great.
Julia: Cool.
Amanda: Yeah.
Brandon: No perverts on this mountain.
Julia: No peeping perverts.
Eric: I hate it when I'm on pervert mountain and everyone can see me. It's right next to Oopsie Doodle Lake.
Julia: You really got to spend less time on Pervert Mountain, I think, is the problem.
Eric: Julia, how else am I gonna go to the Whoa-oh Falls? They're so beautiful in August.
Brandon: Oh, pervert mountain.
Eric: Okay, so yeah. Y'all head back to where you came from. You're kind of at— you can stay crouched and low as you are coming up to that second highest level. And you— once again, you put your arms down, like you're leaning on a bar.
Brandon (as Umbi): Oh.
Julia (as Cammie): Psst. Psst. Sassafras.
Brandon (as Umbi): Is that a hotdog I smell?
Julia (as Cammie): We want hotdogs
Amanda (as Troy): Soul Edge, I'm so tired.
Julia: Oh, Soul Edge. That was it.
Brandon (as Umbi): Soul Edge.
Julia: I thought it was Sassafras for some reason.
Amanda: I was like, "Who's that?"
Eric: I was wondering why you kept saying Sassafras.
Julia: And no one corrected me.
Eric: At the beginning of every recording session, before we turn on the microphones, I always ask what happened in the last episode. And Julia said, "Sassafras." And I thought you were referring to how you kept getting Sassafrassed by the edgy team.
Brandon: Same.
Amanda: Yes, me as well.
Julia: No one thought to think, "Oh, Julia, what are you talking about? Oh, Julia, clarify yourself."
Amanda: Honestly, Julia, nine times out of 10, you know what you're talking about. I'm just there.
Brandon: Yeah, I know.
Amanda: It's all like, "All right, yeah. Actually, no, it's okay."
Julia: You have to remember that my general memory is good, my specific memory is bad. So I was like, "Yeah, it was, like, a two kind of word, S word, and that was the password." And I was like, "Sassafras, obviously."
Eric: This is like— because, again, we're playing a JR— a PS2 JRPG though— in the entire time. There was a quick time event—
Julia: Uh-hmm.
Brandon: Hmm.
Eric: Where it's like, "What's the password?" And Cammie is like, "Sassafras." It's like, "Ehhh." And Cammie was like, "What do you mean?"
Brandon: And then we died and we reset.
Eric: I hit A. I hit—
Julia: I hit square.
Eric: I hit square. I hit square. I hit square. Soul Edge.
Julia: Cammie looks at you and says—
Julia (as Cammie): Troy, what? I thought it was Sassafras.
Amanda (as Troy): Soul Edge.
Julia (as Cammie): Ah, okay. Soul Edge.
Eric (as Key with a Gaze): All right. Buckos and boyos, come on. I got hotdo— I got sausages for everyone.
Brandon (as Umbi): Yes! I'm so fucking hungry.
Amanda (as Troy): Was that worth it, really?
Eric (as Key with a Gaze): It was. Nothing's more— nothing matters more than ours protection ourselves from the var— from— especially when there's various groups of government bounty hunters trying to hunt us, re the bounty.
Brandon (as Umbi): That's fair.
Julia (as Cammie): Yar.
Amanda (as Troy): That's fair.
Eric (as Key with a Gaze): All right. I gotta remark the— Archie, can you remark it? You gotta remark it.
Brandon (as Umbi): Remark, what?
Julia (as Cammie): Probably the big dome, that's made out of magic.
Eric (as Archie): It's— ah, yeah. I'll do it. Hello. Hi. Hello. You can have my seat.
Brandon (as Umbi): Hey, Archie.
Eric (as Archie): Umbis, Umbi—
Brandon (as Umbi): Yeah.
Eric (as Archie): —Mentor Umbi, you can have my seat.
Brandon (as Umbi): Thank you.
Eric (as Archie): All right.
Julia (as Cammie): Archimedes, what's my name?
Brandon (as Umbi): Why do you do this to yourself, Cammie? I mean—
Julia (as Cammie): Because he just— he said it two minutes ago, or, like, you know, canonically, probably, like an hour ago.
Eric (as Archie): Havana.
Brandon (as Umbi): Yep, that's it. Nailed it.
Amanda as (Troy): Do we have a problem?
Amanda: Troy is so angry. He just walks up and he's like—
Amanda as (Troy): How could you not remember? It's Cammie. It's like— like several letters, like less than 10.
Eric (as Archie): Troy Riptide, please. It would— it's hard for me to remember names.
Brandon (as Umbi): Wait, I have a theory. Troy, T, R, O, I? Y? I forget.
Amanda (as Troy): Y.
Brandon (as Umbi): Y. Umbi—
Julia: Y.
Brandon (as Umbi): —U-M-B-I. Maybe Archie could only Archie five. Well, that's— Cammie is five?
Amanda as (Troy): Oh, Cammie, have you tried being C-A-M-I?
Brandon (as Umbi): Maybe Archie could only remember up to and certain amount of letters.
Julia (as Cammie): Wow. And he wants to be a builder. Wow.
Brandon (as Umbi): I mean, he's not gonna be, Cammie.
Amanda as (Troy): Anyway, sorry, I'm pretty frustrated. I don't like doing things a second time when I did them already the one time. So, also, I got pretty hurt by some of those bed blooms. Can I ,like, eat or drink some things that make me feel a little better? Ow.
Eric (as Archie): Whatever we have, you can have— now that we know that you are, in fact, the allies we thought that we had, you are more than welcome to have anything out of mine— out of my knapsack.
Brandon (as Umbi): Oh.
Julia (as Cammie): You got, like, potions in there?
Brandon (as Umbi): What's in there?
Brandon: I look in his knapsack. Napsnack?
Julia: Napsnack.
Eric: It's the napsnack.
Julia: It's the snacks that are in the knapsack.
Eric: We made a deal. We switch off, that one of us holds the clothing knapsack and the other one holds the food knapsack. Because the thing is, the food knapsack, when you start, actually is heavier than the—
Brandon (as Umbi): It's heavier.
Eric: —stuffed knapsack, but over time—
Brandon (as Umbi): Yeah.
Eric: —then it becomes lighter. So that's kind of the changeover that we're doing. Right now, we don't have much because of everything that's happening, but there's trail mix.
Brandon (as Umbi): Oh, delicious.
Eric: It's mostly wrinkled apricots.
Julia: Actually, that is the best part.
Eric: Yeah, I get to— I'm allowed to make the ne— I'm amowed— allowed to make the trail mix, so I get to put in whatever I want in the trail mix.
Amanda: Troy's gonna gingerly take a single apricot and then chug the potion that's under his arm holster.
Brandon (as Umbi): Whoa. Are you that hurt?
Amanda: Yeah, 73 hit points.
Eric: Hmm. So Archimedes goes into the tent and pull something out, and says—
Eric (as Archie): All right, I'm going to make the perimeter. Everyone stay inside.
Brandon (as Umbi): Okay.
Eric (as Archie): if you're gonna stay, it's not— you're— this isn't a saloon door situation. You need to stay inside of the perimeter.
Brandon (as Umbi): Okay.
Julia (as Cammie): Okay. And then—
Amanda (as Troy): I mean, until we rescue you.
Julia (as Cammie): —can we discuss the, you know, the leaving?
Eric (as Archie): Yes.
Julia (as Cammie): And the comings and the goings?
Eric (as Archie): Oh, the number— rule number 76 of a prepared builder is you— first you prepare and then you plan. And then you execute on that plan because of the preparations from before.
Brandon (as Umbi): Okay.
Eric: So Archimedes kind of hops down two levels and does some perimeter stuff, like he's talking about.
Julia: Can I go with him and watch what he's doing? Because magic is cool.
Eric: Yeah, if you want to.
Julia: I would like to.
Eric: When I went camping at my summer camp, I still remember the first time that someone showed me how to hang the food barrel so that bears couldn't get them.
Julia: Uh-hmm.
Eric: It's really— it must be really fun to show people the outdoorsy stuff that they know. And I feel like it's a similar vibe.
Julia: Okay. Cammie is like—
Julia (as Cammie): Oh, cool. So is this like— what kind of magic would you define this as?
Eric: Hmm. I only have the vocabulary that I've taken from books that I've read, but I'm gonna say this is line magic.
Julia (as Cammie): Line magic? Okay. Cool.
Eric: Because it comes from lines.
Julia (as Cammie): Right.
Eric: That I've drawn on the ground.
Julia (as Cammie): Kind of like sigil work or, you know, runes, or what have you?
Eric: A sig— how would you spell that?
Julia (as Cammie): S-I-G-I-L.
Eric: J? With a J?
Julia (as Cammie): No.
Eric: Oh.
Julia (as Cammie): With a G.
Eric: No, I've never read that. I've read it with a J before.
Julia (as Cammie): I think you're just bad at spelling.
Eric: Probably. And in his hand, Archimedes is holding like a big thing of chalk.
Julia: Hmm.
Eric: And he's drawing a line around the kind of edge of this third highest plateau.
Julia: Okay.
Amanda (as Troy): So what does it protect against if, like, people who want to do us harm, try to come, it won't let them in?
Eric (as Archie): Absolutely, Troy. This is gonna keep the people out that we don't want to come in.
Amanda (as Troy): It's pretty useful. Can we get one of those on our ship, maybe?
Eric (as Archie): No. Only enough for me, unfortunately.
Julia (as Cammie): Only enough for you. It's lines on the ground.
Eric (as Archie): It's line magic, Cammie. I know you have all types of magics, but the only magics I have are the lines. Things that I've inherited and brought with me from home.
Julia (as Cammie): Do you have a book about this?
Eric (as Archie): Not with me.
Amanda (as Troy): I love books.
Julia (as Cammie): Oh.
Brandon (as Umbi): I think the faster we figure out— faster we leave, the less this matters. So maybe we just talk about leaving quickly.
Julia (as Cammie): Yeah, we should probably leave like, you know, kind of quickly.
Eric: The Key with a Gaze leans over to Umbi. I feel like the Key with a Gaze has tied up some rope, so it's almost like a little hammock swing with one of the tree— on a tree up there. And it's just swinging and be like—
Eric (as Key with a Gaze): Oh, come on, you gotta let him tire himself out. You gotta let him do this stuff, or then they're gonna have all this energy and they're not gonna be able to focus.
Brandon (as Umbi): That's fair. That's a good point.
Eric (as Key with a Gaze): Yeah, you know.
Brandon (as Umbi): Yeah.
Eric (as Key with a Gaze): You know, you sound like— you seem like someone who's sir— who sired a bunch of children.
Brandon (as Umbi): Hmm, no comment.
Eric (as Key with a Gaze): All right. That's—
Brandon (as Umbi): Who's asking?
Eric (as Key with a Gaze): That's what I hear. That's what I like to hear. That's what I like to hear. All right. You want some of my secret key-nog?
Brandon (as Umbi): Yeah. Fuck yeah. Fill me up.
Julia (as Cammie): What— what's in key-nog? What's going on over there?
Eric: You— Cammie, you smell something so nasty. You hear a pop of a cork—
Julia (as Cammie): Ugh.
Eric: —and it just like— it is flooding your nose. It doesn't smell like anything in particular, but it's strong.
Julia (as Cammie): Hmm. It smells like that fermented tea that I make.
Eric (as Key with a Gaze): I make for myself. It's key strength.
Brandon (as Umbi): It's Moon dog.
Eric (as Key with a Gaze): Key shine. Key—
Brandon (as Umbi): Key shine.
Eric (as Key with a Gaze): Oh, I should have called it key shine.
Brandon (as Umbi): Yeah, that's good. I like it.
Eric (as Key with a Gaze): All right.
Eric: The Key with a Gaze whacks, slaps your back really hard.
Brandon (as Umbi): Oh! Oh.
Eric (as Key with a Gaze): Key shine. I should've called it key shine the whole time.
Brandon: Umbi burps.
Amanda (as Troy): Excuse me, is Mr. Key the correct form of address?
Eric (as Key with a Gaze): Oh, Key, Key with a Gaze, Captain Key, whatever. Whatever floats your boat.
Amanda (as Troy): Captain Key is pretty good.
Eric (as Key with a Gaze): Captain Key.
Brandon (as Umbi): Captain Key.
Amanda (as Troy): Will you come with us, posthaste, to unlock the salmon and free the world?
Eric (as Key with a Gaze): Hmm. I'll think about it. You have to understand, Troy, this might be a fanciful thing for you to do, as you figure out your— wherever your wings might— you— wherever your wings might fly you, you might desire, but—
Amanda (as Troy): Oh, I can't fly, except when my friend Cammie helps me.
Eric (as Key with a Gaze): Don't— it's—
Amanda (as Troy): But then it's for a little bit.
Eric (as Key with a Gaze): Metaphor— metaphorically speaking.
Amanda (as Troy): Oh, shit.
Eric (as Key with a Gaze): It me— it's when—
Amanda (as Troy): I'm tired from metaphor.
Eric (as Key with a Gaze): Sorry. It's when I say one thing and it means another thing.
Amanda (as Troy): Yeah, like, shirts and— okay.
Eric (as Key with a Gaze): Yeah.
Brandon (as Umbi): Shirts?
Eric (as Key with a Gaze): This might be something that feels very straightforward for you, but it isn't for me. You have to understand this is something that I gotta figure out for myself. I've been wandering this air— I've been wandering this land and the seas, and these skies for many sun— many times and suns and the moons go over the horizon. And it's not up for— and whether or not the Cascade comes back, or whether the salmon is or is not. It's not something that seems to be on my path like it is directed upon yours.
Brandon (as Umbi): Could we make a copy of you? Is that weird to ask?
Julia (as Cammie): Can I—
Eric (as Key with a Gaze): It is. Don't do—
Julia (as Cammie): I also have a weird question.
Eric (as Key with a Gaze): Hey, don't do that.
Brandon (as Umbi): Okay.
Eric (as Key with a Gaze): It—
Julia (as Cammie): Some— I think someone did.
Amanda (as Troy): Do you have a brother, what, a little bit melty and evil? Smells real bad?
Brandon (as Umbi): Probably half dead.
Amanda (as Troy): I'm just guessing on the smell.
Eric (as Key with a Gaze): What in the name of the planter, the waterer, and anything that grows are you talking about?
Julia (as Cammie): There's a Rotten Key now.
Eric (as Key with a Gaze): What does that mean?
Julia (as Cammie): And it's heading towards where we think the salmon is.
Eric (as Key with a Gaze): What is a rotten key?
Julia (as Cammie): It's like you, but zombie.
Eric (as Key with a Gaze): That doesn't make any sense. There's only four of us. There's the maze that goes— all the copies of the maze, and that's one, is a cloud. There's the thorn— there's the pokey one, and there's me. What do you mean there's another one?
Julia (as Cammie): Right.
Brandon (as Umbi): Right.
Julia (as Cammie): Well, so, you know the Diamond Knot.
Eric (as Key with a Gaze): Heard of it.
Julia (as Cammie): They made a key mold that we couldn't really figure out how to make it work, but I think someone figured out how to make it work, and now there's a fifth key, that is the Rotten Key.
Eric (as Key with a Gaze): What do you mean you weren't sure how to make it work?
Julia (as Cammie): Well, we stole the mold.
Amanda (as Troy): Later.
Julia (as Cammie): Later. Like we didn't— you know, we stole it.
Brandon (as Umbi): We're pirates.
Amanda (as Troy): We bought it.
Julia (as Cammie): We're pirates.
Eric (as Key with a Gaze): Uh-hmm. Uh-hmm.
Amanda (as Troy): We bought it.
Brandon (as Umbi): No, we stole it. It's fine.
Julia (as Cammie): No, no, we fully stole it. It's fine.
Amanda (as Troy): Oh, yeah.
Julia (as Cammie): This is the pirate key.
Amanda (as Troy): Oh, yeah.
Julia (as Cammie): It's okay. He's not gonna be like, "Oh, how dare you steal things."
Amanda (as Troy): Nah, I forgot.
Julia (as Cammie): And we tried to figure out how it worked and, you know, we— me and Umbi, and Troy can be pretty smart at times. And we thought we figured out how to make it work, but it seemed like it was a lot of work to make it work, and we had other things going on at the time. So we kind of— we're like, "Oop, okay." But I think maybe there's more than one of these molds, and I think maybe the Diamond Knot, or someone else found one, or has one, and then they made a rotten key or—— but then, you know, I think the rotten key maybe has something to do with Audrey, the Rotten Queen, because that would be a wild coincidence if they weren't connected. And, yeah, now, it is taking a zombie horde and heading towards South Kompos City, where we think the salmon is.
Amanda (as Troy): So that's where the cloud key is. That's where several copies of the maze key are, and we have a mold. But the point is that there is a key what looks, talks, and walks like you, but it is evil and drippy and gross and smells, I'm gonna guess here, pretty bad.
Julia (as Cammie): Hmm.
Amanda (as Troy): And if it's on the side of Audrey, we don't know what that'll mean. That's why we got to get there first
Brandon (as Umbi): If it sticks his butt in the lock, do you think it'll work, or is it like a— somehow like a DNA only you situation, you know?
Eric: What— hey, Brandon, what does DNA stand for?
Brandon (as Umbi): Deoxynucleic Apple.
Amanda: Man, apple varieties keep getting weirder and weirder.
Julia: Stupid. Stupid.
Eric: Yeah, it was like $4 at the farmers market.
Amanda: Yeah.
Eric (as Key with a Gaze): You're— you folks really done it this time.
Brandon (as Umbi): We didn't do anything.
Amanda (as Troy): We got thrown in prison. Then we had to break ourselves out.
Eric (as Key with a Gaze): Not—
Brandon (as Umbi): Yeah.
Eric (as Key with a Gaze): Not you, not the three of you. All of you—
Brandon (as Umbi): Oh, okay.
Eric (as Key with a Gaze): — you Greenfolk, you've done it this time.
Brandon (as Umbi): Are you not a Greenfolk?
Julia (as Cammie): No, he's a key.
Eric (as Key with a Gaze): No. I'm a key.
Brandon (as Umbi): What? What?
Eric (as Key with a Gaze): I have seen what you've all done, the rise and fall of empires, societies. Some, I get to watch from a beau— I get to watch from a soft pillow in a palace. Others, I watch from— I watch buried under rubble in the destructions of that such. Cammie, you asked me where I came from, where we first met?
Julia (as Cammie): Yeah. I was gonna ask again, but then it felt rude.
Eric (as Key with a Gaze): One night, the planter touched me and brought me ba— and brought me into life and said to be myself, and I was. I didn't think it would get this bad. Verda Stello and the planter have balances, ebb and flow, for things to even out. Even with the Cascade driving up, I didn't think it would go like this. And now, there's the fifth key from the hands of the Greenfolk.
Brandon (as Umbi): They're playing planter, huh?
Eric (as Key with a Gaze): They sure are.
Brandon (as Umbi): Yeah.
Eric (as Key with a Gaze): It's an affront to everything. It's an affront to creation, to the exist— to everything that we've grown from.
Brandon (as Umbi): Yeah.
Eric (as Key with a Gaze): Archie.
Eric (as Archie): Yeah. Hold on— I am finishing the barrier. Hold on, I need to—
Eric (as Key with a Gaze): Archie, Archie, come here right now.
Eric (as Archie): I— oh, I— all right.
Eric: And Archimedes Se— all nine feet of Archimedes Sevens—
Brandon: He's nine feet tall?
Eric: In my head, he was always nine feet.
Julia: There's no way.
Eric: All nine feet of Archimedes Sevens—
Julia: I'm confused.
Amanda: I was really picturing a creature with nine legs and said, "Wait, what?"
Julia: He's like double Cammie's size. That's like me standing next to the 12-foot tall Home Depot skeleton.
Brandon: Julia, you're six feet tall?
Julia: No.
Eric (as Key with a Gaze): I need you to promise me something, in front of me and your friends, and the night sky.
Brandon (as Umbi): And your mentor.
Julia (as Cammie): Are you not also a friend?
Brandon (as Umbi): No, I'm a mentor.
Julia (as Cammie): Embarrassing for him.
Eric (as Archie): Of course, I will. What is it?
Eric (as Key with a Gaze): I need you to become the builder. I need you to lead people in a way that they need to be led, because it can't go on like this. It can't. It's not go— I've seen what happens. When everyone thinks it's done, it's never over. Archie, do you promise?
Eric (as Archie): Yeah. Yes, yeah. Yes. Yes. I will.
Amanda (as Troy): This is so perfect. He wanted to be the builder. This is so good.
Brandon (as Umbi): Everything is locked into place, baby.
Amanda (as Troy): Could you imagine if he was like, "Umbi, be the builder." You'd be like, "What?"
Brandon (as Umbi): I would step up.
Eric (as Key with a Gaze): I'm gonna assume, Cammie. Do you know where the key mold came from?
Julia (as Cammie): Pretty sure it was Hothouse.
Eric (as Key with a Gaze): Hmm. You see, Archie. You see? You see what happens?
Eric: Archie hangs his head and sits down next to the key by the fire, with his big, furry, moffy hand on the small shoulder of his metallic compatriot.
Brandon: Eric, I don't want to dive too deep into this.
Eric: Oh, please.
Brandon: But which part of the key is the shoulder?
Eric: The one under the head, I think.
Brandon: Okay.
Amanda: You cup it.
Julia: Uh-huh. Yeah.
Eric: So it's the head, and then the teeth, and the shoulder is before that.
Brandon: Okay.
Julia: That makes sense.
Brandon: Okay.
Eric: Think about it.
Brandon: Okay.
Eric: Archie says—
Eric (as Archie): We've— this is always something I knew that I thought that I wanted, but I thought that for my time being a pirate, it was easier to be freer, but the wa— the seas of destiny have a way of winding its way back towards what you want, doesn't it?
Brandon (as Umbi): Yeah.
Amanda (as Troy): Destiny is like the sea.
Brandon (as Umbi): Yeah. Immutable.
Amanda (as Troy): It's amazing.
Julia (as Cammie): Ebbs and flows and tides.
Brandon (as Umbi): Massive, full of fish.
Julia: Yeah.
Eric (as Archie): What do you all— where is your destiny taking you?
Amanda (as Troy): Back to that prison, I guess?
Brandon (as Umbi): Yeah, we gotta— I mean, if Captain Key here will provide assistance, we gotta figure out what the salmon situation is. Gotta turn that water back on if we can.
Julia (as Cammie): Yeah. I mean, I don't know exactly what I would ask the salmon, but I think whatever I would ask the salmon would be better than what an evil zombie key would ask the salmon.
Brandon (as Umbi): I thought you were gonna say me, and I was gonna be very offended.
Julia (as Cammie): No.
Amanda (as Troy): Honestly, I thought I would die in my first year at sea, so anything more than this is bonus. So—
Julia (as Cammie): Yeah, the fact that you're like, kind of, like, "Where does your destiny take you?" I'm like, "Well, hopefully 'till I'm a real ripe old age, and then I die peacefully in my sleep."
Brandon (as Umbi): Let me tell you, Cammie, don't get this old. Don't do it.
Julia (as Cammie): Yeah. I don't want to have to roll three death saving roles next time I wake up.
Amanda (as Troy): I might find my old friend. I might punch him. I might give him a little kiss. I don't really know.
Julia (as Cammie): Truly think he's dead.
Amanda (as Troy): Probably he's dead, but—
Julia (as Cammie): Hmm.
Amanda (as Troy): Anyway, I don't really know. What do you think we should do? You're— you seem older than time. What needs to happen to make the world right again, and give people choices?
Eric (as Key with a Gaze): People already have choices. It's the only thing they do have.
Brandon (as Umbi): That's true.
Julia (as Cammie): Yeah, but we also don't want to take away people's free will.
Amanda (as Troy): Yeah. How do we make sure that the bialy stays safe?
Eric (as Key with a Gaze): There's nothing here, Cammie. I know that your steam magics might lead you towards that amount of power, but it's only temporary. You can never take people's ability to choose away from them.
Julia (as Cammie): Oh. Sick.
Eric (as Key with a Gaze): Everyone always has a choice.
Julia (as Cammie): Love that.
Amanda (as Troy): That's good, because I'm thinking a lot about systems of government, and I don't think kings is the way. And so maybe if people could, like, choose who should lead them. I don't know if that's been tried before.
Brandon (as Umbi): Have you never been to Overstalk?
Julia (as Cammie): I think we also did that in Open Fields.
Amanda (as Troy): No.
Julia (as Cammie): It's been a while since I've been there, but pretty sure that's how our elected officials get elected.
Brandon (as Umbi): What did you think I meant when I said I was a senator?
Amanda (as Troy): I don't know. Son of a king?
Julia (as Cammie): You come from a long line of senators.
Amanda (as Troy): A not important prince?
Julia (as Cammie): A not important prince.
Eric: It's just a council of unimportant princes making decisions.
Amanda (as Troy): Is that not what it is?
Julia: It's all third sons.
Brandon (as Umbi): I feel like we failed you, Troy. We failed you.
Eric (as Key with a Gaze): All right. Well, I thought we had a tossup of whether or not Archimedes and I would go down in a hell of glory, but I guess we gotta get— we gotta deal with something else after this, don't we?
Julia (as Cammie): Yeah. Yeah.
Eric (as Key with a Gaze): It's gonna be difficult.
Julia (as Cammie): We gotta go defeat a zombie horde, I assume.
Eric (as Key with a Gaze): Yeah. Well, like before that, we gotta get off of the— we gotta go off— get off of the Mango Crossing.
Julia (as Cammie): Yeah.
Brandon (as Umbi): Is that part gonna be difficult?
Eric (as Key with a Gaze): Yes.
Brandon (as Umbi): Oh.
Julia (as Cammie): Why?
Eric (as Key with a Gaze): Well, first of all, take a look at the pool.
Brandon (as Umbi): Okay.
Julia (as Cammie): We look.
Brandon (as Umbi): I look.
Eric: This pool is not as full as it should be. It's about, like, half, a third of its level. You can— got to see the water line up near the top.
Brandon (as Umbi): Why is it so low?
Eric (as Key with a Gaze): Come on, wha— we're not all out here just to be pirates, just to go buccaneer and walk on the plank and rub two doublooms together and unfurl— and open up treasure. Folks are out here. They're taking the water.
Julia (as Cammie): Oh, right.
Eric (as Key with a Gaze): You all don't seem as concerned about the fact that— I don't need to drink water. I'm— look, I'm good. I'm just, like, out he— I'm fueled.
Julia (as Cammie): Right.
Brandon (as Umbi): Right.
Eric (as Key with a Gaze): But it seems like that every so often the Greenfolk forget that, like, it might all run out at some point.
Brandon (as Umbi): No, I'm fully aware of that.
Amanda (as Troy): That's why we got to turn on the Cascade, save the world.
Brandon (as Umbi): Yeah.
Eric (as Key with a Gaze): Before— when we showed up here, there were other boats that were taking the water all throughout Mango Crossing, bottling it up and sending it away.
Amanda (as Troy): Well, that's messed up.
Brandon (as Umbi): Is it like special water? Like, is it like extra good?
Eric (as Key with a Gaze): It's extra good in that it's clean and cold and pure.
Brandon (as Umbi): Oh, I see. Okay.
Julia (as Cammie): The ideal things for water to be.
Eric (as Key with a Gaze): The regular water qualities.
Brandon (as Umbi): Gotcha.
Eric (as Key with a Gaze): The water here— the tortangos are upset, and so is the mother.
Brandon (as Umbi): Oh.
Eric (as Key with a Gaze): That's gonna make it extra hard.
Brandon (as Umbi): Are they upset enough for us to somehow get them to attack the camps full of guards so we could sneak off the island quickly?
Eric (as Key with a Gaze): It's definitely a possibility. The other—
Brandon (as Umbi): Okay.
Eric (as Key with a Gaze): —thing, though, is that the Diamond Knot knows we're here, as you can see, but they also know that you're here.
Brandon (as Umbi): How do they know we're here?
Julia (as Cammie): How possibly?
Brandon (as Umbi): We've been so sneaky.
Julia (as Cammie): We've been so sneaky?
Brandon (as Umbi): Well, you put three of them in a concrete tube underneath the sand.
Eric (as Key with a Gaze): That's—
Amanda (as Troy): No one's gonna notice that for, like, max— like, at least another couple hours, I'm sure.
Brandon (as Umbi): Right.
Eric (as Key with a Gaze): Yeah. I've heard some— we—
Julia (as Cammie): From all the way up here, you've heard some rumblings?
Eric (as Key with a Gaze): I've heard some rumblings and reports.
Julia (as Cammie): I have questions.
Brandon (as Umbi): I got really good ears.
Eric (as Key with a Gaze): Well, as, you know, we go around and we check around, see what they're talking about when they have their backs checked, and one of them talking about seeing the explosive old man over at the convenience store.
Julia (as Cammie): They did do that, yeah.
Amanda (as Troy): Oh.
Eric (as Key with a Gaze): Yeah. And they got sentries in the sky that I think spotted you a good time or two.
Amanda (as Troy): So Cammie can have us all fly, we’ll fly to the boat and get out of here.
Julia (as Cammie): Um, I can do that. It would just cost a lot of spell slots.
Brandon (as Umbi): Well, if we make some kind of light that is not orange color.
Amanda (as Troy): Oh.
Brandon (as Umbi): The mama tortango will come and destroy them all. And I think Cammie, correct me, if I'm wrong, I think you got that spell in you.
Julia (as Cammie): I can do that pretty easily, in fact.
Amanda (as Troy): That's good, Umbi. Will it hurt the tortangos if they go charging and eat up some guards? Or is that like a cool like kebab for them?
Eric: At this point, a link in the chain of animal survival will have to go towards— will have to be broken towards us.
Amanda (as Troy): Okay.
Amanda: One tear rolls stoically down Troy's cheek.
Eric: We've been here for too long. If we're going to do this, we're gonna have to do this tonight. Once it becomes daytime, they're going to run up, and they're going to take us all.
Brandon (as Umbi): Fully, we didn't waste time trying to find a password from a ghost.
Amanda (as Troy): Yeah. Could that annoying ghost help us at all, or is he just, like, gone? Why didn't you free him earlier, by the way?
Brandon (as Umbi): Oh, he's gone.
Julia (as Cammie): Yeah. Why did you guys make him give you a password and not free him yourself?
Brandon (as Umbi): Was he like a good time? A good hang?
Julia (as Cammie): He was not a good hang.
Eric (as Archimedes): Oh, because of this, and you're—
Eric (as Fake Umbi): Oh, hey, guys, let me in.
Eric: In the shadows, you see a body that looks like Umbi.
Brandon (as Umbi): What?
Eric: That is kind of standing on the outside of the chalk outline on the third highest tier.
Julia: Terrifying.
Brandon (as Umbi): What the fuck? Who's that?
Eric (as Fake Umbi): It's me. It's Umbi. Let me in.
Julia (as Cammie): It's you.
Brandon (as Umbi): No, I'm Umbi.
Eric (as Fake Umbi): That's an impostor.
Brandon (as Umbi): No, it's not.
Julia (as Cammie): Is there a fun one of me that comes by too?
Brandon (as Umbi): How many kids do you have?
Eric (as Fake Umbi): Oh, I can't even count. I've just fucked everywhere.
Brandon (as Umbi): He's a liar! Come.
Eric (as Key with a Gaze): Yeah, I know.
Julia (as Cammie): How many— what's the real answer, Umbi?
Eric: [explodes]
Julia (as Cammie): Hey, hey, Umbi, what's the real answer?
Eric: And the Key with a Gaze just shoots the Umbi, and you hear [explosion] and it's just like the crunching of sticks falls apart.
Brandon: Oh.
Julia (as Cammie): This island sucks.
[theme]
Amanda: Hello, everybody. It's Amanda, and welcome to the midroll. Thank you and welcome to our newest supporters on Patreon. In particular, a bunch of you joined at the free tier, and we are super happy to have you on board. And I do want to remind you that you only get all of the extra goodies, all the cool new stuff I talk about here in the midroll, if you join our Patreon as a paid member. We are only able to do the things that we are doing, like spending so much time designing such gorgeous dice, which are making their way to your homes now. We're so excited making the super-secret additional merch item that we've been working on for a long time, and trying out new formats for our patron-only podcast Party Planning, such as the Conversation Pit, my single favorite thing to record, which went out last Friday. If you join us on Patreon and give us the support to be able to do that and put so much time and effort into the show. So if you're able to join for as little as five bucks a month to get access to our patron-only Discord, ad-free episodes and much, much more, go to patreon.com/jointhepartypod. There's so much happening at Multitude right now, including some very exciting episodes of Spirits, the show that I co-host with Julia, all about mythology, folklore and all things occult. Julia sometimes surprises me by putting together just like wackadoodle episodes that I can't believe she made. And I was like, "Oh, my God, yes, this is incredible." We just recorded one of those. It's gonna be out in a couple of weeks. And hey, we've also released as of last week, 100 urban legend episodes. That's where we read your urban legends that you write into with the show, that you can also now, by the way, write into with your voice via a voicemail line. It's so much fun. If you like our dynamic, you will love Spirits. So dive in at spiritspodcast.com or search for Spirits wherever you get your podcasts. We are sponsored this week by Cornbread Hemp, which is a CBD and now THC company based in Kentucky, and this is my travel essential. Okay? I cannot travel without the Cornbread Hemp, specifically CBD sleep gummies. They have a USDA certified organic farm in Kentucky, they have a bunch of vegan products, including CBD oils and my favorites, the sleep gummies. Now, this helps me fall asleep faster and stay asleep longer. Sleep used to be a huge thing for me. It made me not want to move in with Eric, because I was afraid not being able to sleep with someone else there. And these gummies make it so easy, I wake up feeling alert and refreshed. They taste really good. And they're also certified by independent labs with reports published on the Cornbread Hemp website. They are great for so many reasons. They also have a ton of information on their website about what CBD is and how people use it, so you can understand why they sell things like CBD cream for pain, CBD for pets, CBD balm, and now THC gummies. So whether you want to order from them directly or find their products in a store, they have my absolute thumbs up. I've been using their gummies nearly every night for, like, four years at this point. I love them. So go to cornbreadhemp.com and use code JOINTHEPARTY for 25% off your order. That's cornbreadhemp.com and the code is JOINTHEPARTY. We are also sponsored this week by uncommon goods, where you can spark something uncommon this holiday season with just the right gift from Uncommon Goods. Now, I don't know about you, but as soon as we get past Halloween, I'm like, "Oh, my God, holiday shopping. When does Hanukkah start?" Like, when do I have to get presents for people? And Uncommon Goods is a really, really, genuinely, very good place to get gifts for people who might find— I don't know, you might find them a little bit challenging. Like, I always find it difficult to buy gifts for my father-in-law, or sometimes one of my brothers. So gifts that are, like, unique, interesting, and often handmade and small batch from independent makers, you can find those at Uncommon Goods. For example, I'm wearing one of my favorite presents I've ever gotten, which is from Uncommon Goods, which are Banned Book Socks. One of the socks has titles of all bunch of Banned Books, and the other one has those titles, but like, crossed out, and it was incredible. I was part of a gift exchange on a Discord. Someone looked at a list of gifts for book lovers on Uncommon Goods and hey, I love them. They were right. So when you shop at Uncommon Goods, you're supporting artists and small independent businesses. And with every purchase made in Uncommon Goods, they give back a $1 to a non-profit partner of your choice. That's more than $3 million to date. To get started and get 15% off your next gift, go to uncommongoods.com/jointheparty. That's uncommongoods.com/jointheparty for 15% off. Don't miss out on this limited time offer. Uncommon Goods, "We're all out of the ordinary." And now, let's get back to the show.
[theme]
Amanda (as Troy): Why did that happen?
Eric (as Key with a Gaze): I didn't think that they got to making keys, but they've been making stuff.
Amanda (as Troy): Open Fields made that?
Eric (as Key with a Gaze): Someone's making it. The Diamond Knot has the— has folks from all the different countries and using their worst, weirdest stuff.
Amanda (as Troy): Oh, no.
Brandon (as Umbi): I can't believe I'm that popular
Eric (as Key with a Gaze): So they knew— they saw— the reason why I knew explosive grandpa was around here was because we've been seeing simulacrums of Umbi, humong— hummo— amoncula— Umbiculleses.
Julia: Yep. Yep.
Eric (as Key with a Gaze): —every so often.
Brandon (as Umbi): I'm flattered.
Julia (as Cammie): Why only of Umbi?
Eric (as Key with a Gaze): They saw him from the convenience store.
Julia (as Cammie): Oh, yeah, they didn't see me.
Brandon (as Umbi): To be honest, also Cammie, I'm probably the easier shape to make between the two of us.
Julia (as Cammie): You are.
Eric (as Key with a Gaze): They assumed all— I've seen a Troy, I've seen various med— I've seen various others coming up here.
Amanda (as Troy): Was I the most beautiful?
Eric (as Key with a Gaze): Whatever they could try, made out of, like, sticks and twine.
Amanda (as Troy): Yeah.
Eric (as Key with a Gaze): Pretty good, pretty good.
Amanda (as Troy): Good. I will kill them for making my visage.
Eric (as Key with a Gaze): So that's how we know you were around. Mo— we saw the most Umbis. We saw a few Troys and some— a Cammie or two. Why— they— I'm not sure if they know what Cammie looks like, but also—
Julia (as Cammie): That's fair.
Eric (as Key with a Gaze): —neither does Archie. So it was a little bit diminishing returns.
Julia (as Cammie): As long as Archie's not the one making them.
Eric (as Archie): True. At least they didn't get a Havana. That would have been complicated, right?
Julia (as Cammie): Why?
Brandon (as Umbi): Why?
Eric (as Archie): This is the doctor, Havana Tropicana?
Julia (as Cammie): Yes, I am.
Eric (as Archie): Right?
Julia (as Cammie): Yep.
Brandon (as Umbi): Oh.
Eric (as Archie): We just had a whole thing about how I didn't remember your name, and then I thought, I'm like, "Havana, Havana. Dr. Havana Tropicana, tropical."
Julia (as Cammie): Uh-hmm.
Eric: Warm. Like laying on the— talking to her, like laying on the beach, Havana. And I remembered it.
Julia (as Cammie): Yes, and it's an obvious assumption, because I am a woman.
Eric (as Archie): Who's a doctor.
Julia (as Cammie): Uh-hmm.
Brandon (as Umbi): We should go.
Eric (as Archie): Don't look at me like this. I wasn't trying to learn— I have been trying to learn names.
Julia (as Cammie): Nope. Great job. No notes.
Eric (as Archie): Okay. Thank you.
Brandon (as Umbi): We should leave before this gets worse.
Amanda (as Troy): Yep. Cammie, you wanna make that light near where the guards is? And we'll stomp on down.
Julia (as Cammie): Yeah.
Amanda (as Troy): Folks, anything else we should know? Like the giant mama tortango and the scary ghost, what wants us to set it soul free? Oh, and those things circling above that could have killed us at any moment?
Eric (as Archie): Oh, the scary ghost, I took— that's something I brought from home. Don't worry about it.
Julia (as Cammie): What's that?
Brandon (as Umbi): What?
Amanda (as Troy): Okay.
Julia (as Cammie): Oh, you brought twigs here.
Eric (as Archie): I don't— that— who is that?
Julia (as Cammie): Twi— the ghost that was in the soul gem.
Eric (as Archie): Oh, the ghost. Yeah, no. I brought— when I left the training— when I left the builders training facility, I snuck into the storeroom and grabbed some things. So that's— I brought that.
Julia (as Cammie):You know that was like a whole-ass person that I think your grandpa killed.
Brandon (as Umbi): Romulus?
Eric (as Archie): My gramp? One of the build— oh. Maybe. I don't know. I didn't ask.
Julia (as Cammie): I'm gonna confirm it for you. He did, and that's who that was.
Brandon (as Umbi): Yeah, I knew Romulus pretty good, and he died, and you stole him.
Eric (as Archie): Well, it was in the storeroom, so I took it.
Julia (as Cammie): Okay.
Brandon (as Umbi): I mean, honestly, we're pirates, whatever, man. That makes sense.
Eric (as Archie): Yeah. I mean, someone else has put a soul in a gem, that's not me. I just—
Brandon (as Umbi): Yeah.
Eric (as Archie): It just— you use the items that are around you. That's number— that's the number three rule of builder academy.
Brandon (as Umbi): That's fair.
Julia: Okay. The range on dancing lights is 120 feet, so we got to get a little closer to their camp in order for me to cast that, but—
Brandon: That's 10 stories. I don't know. Are we close enough?
Eric: You got to get closer.
Brandon: Okay.
Julia: But we're also on a diagonal, so that does—
Brandon: True.
Julia: —impact it slightly.
Eric: Yeah.
Amanda: Quick, Brandon, how do you calculate the hypotenuse of a triangle?
Julia: A squared plus B squared equals C squared.
Brandon: A squared plus B squared equals C squared.
Amanda: Yay.
Brandon: But C in this case, is spelled S-C-A.
Eric: Oh.
Amanda: Yeah. Well, let's charge forward stealthily, and then quickly.
Eric (as Key with a Gaze): Can you give us a few moments? We have to pack up our camp. We didn't anticipate— we thought all the stick Umbis were fake. We thought all the stick Umbis were just— were a ruse. Give us a second.
Brandon (as Umbi): Okay.
Julia (as Cammie): So, um—
Brandon (as Umbi): Are you done yet?
Eric: No. Brandon, you have to wait five minutes in game.
Amanda: Oh, no.
Eric: Brandon, if you buy 10 soul gems of which, coincidentally, is just Venmoing me $5. You can skip the timer.
Brandon: $5?
Eric: Sorry. Micro transactions got into this one. It's a remake. I'm sorry.
Julia (as Cammie): I want to check in real quick with everyone.
Brandon (as Umbi): Okay.
Julia (as Cammie): How are we all feeling?
Brandon (as Umbi): You know, a little anxious, I won't lie.
Julia (as Cammie): Yeah.
Amanda (as Troy): Ready to die for my cause, but also, like, I want to live.
Brandon (as Umbi): That's good.
Julia (as Cammie): That is a good vibe.
Amanda (as Troy): Yeah.
Julia (as Cammie): Good, solid vibe.
Amanda (as Troy): Also, I'm gonna try some of my sharp, new arrows from Gloria.
Brandon (as Umbi): Ooh.
Amanda (as Troy): Next time anyone looks at me sideways.
Brandon (as Umbi): Yeah. I like that.
Julia (as Cammie): Ooh. Just remember you only have three.
Brandon (as Umbi): Please also don't die for your cause.
Amanda (as Troy): No, I got some stuff to take care of, and a child to live for, so—
Brandon (as Umbi): Yeah, exactly.
Julia (as Cammie): Yeah. Yeah.
Brandon (as Umbi): Who's gonna take care of the pumpy? You haven't named a godfather yet.
Julia (as Cammie): Is it Havana?
Amanda (as Troy): Tell.
Brandon (as Umbi): Oh, that's fair.
Eric: There is a rustling in the tree line nearby—
Brandon (as Umbi): I hear rustling in the tree line.
Eric: Behind the chalk outline.
Julia (as Cammie): Hello. Please come out so I don't have to hurt you.
Eric (as Gayle Grimes): I am unarmed. I am here as a negotiator. Can I step out?
Amanda (as Troy): Identify yourself.
Brandon (as Umbi): Name identification, please.
Julia (as Cammie): Sure.
Eric (as Gayle Grimes): I am Gayle Grimes. I am here as a negotiator.
Brandon (as Umbi): Oh, are you that pop star that turned into negotiator?
Eric: Okay, I'm changing the name. Goddamn it.
Julia: Did you marry Elon Muskrat?
Eric: I'm changing it.
Julia: No, it's a different name.
Eric: I'm changing it.
Brandon: Julia, very good.
Julia: Muskroot.
Eric: No, this is like when I said that the Dilly Dagger was called— was, like, called the pickle dagger.
Julia: Uh-hmm.
Eric: And then Mischa was like, "Everybody, look, I'm a pickle dagger." And I'm like, "No, this got exposed to real other people, and I'm changing it."
Amanda: Having collaborators is important.
Brandon: Pickle Rick dagger.
Eric: Yeah, I got Pickle Rick daggered.
Eric (as Gayle Smauugue): I am Gayle smog. I am here as a negotiator on behalf of the Diamond Knot. Can I step outwards, please?
Brandon (as Umbi): You have any weapons?
Eric (as Gayle Smauugue): No.
Julia (as Cammie): She did say she was unarmed.
Eric (as Gayle Smauugue): I said earlier, I was unarmed.
Brandon (as Umbi): You expect me to believe you?
Eric (as Gayle Smauugue): Yes.
Brandon (as Umbi): Fair.
Julia (as Cammie): Good vibes. Come on out.
Eric (as Gayle Smauugue): I'm even wearing one of those vests that say negotiator.
Julia (as Cammie): Come on out.
Eric (as Gayle Smauugue): Okay.
Brandon (as Umbi): I got a bomb ready. Just heads-up.
Eric (as Gayle Smauugue): I can only assume you do, Umbi.
Brandon (as Umbi): Okay.
Eric (as Gayle Smauugue): That's what your profile says.
Brandon (as Umbi): Don't read my profile.
Eric (as Gayle Smauugue): I have to.
Brandon (as Umbi): It's private. It's private.
Eric (as Gayle Smauugue): It's so I know you. So we're— so I know you.
Brandon (as Umbi): It's private.
Eric (as Gayle Smauugue): Okay. I'm stepping out.
Eric: Stepping out is a lily pad Greenfolk.
Julia: Cool.
Brandon: Cool.
Eric: Totally circular, little notch in her, with a flower and a big vest that says negotiator. He's also wearing like a blouse and slacks.
Julia: Like an FBI agent.
Eric: Yeah, like a—
Julia: I got you.
Eric: But the belt has a pop of color, Julia.
Julia: Oh. Okay.
Eric: That's how you know she's an iconoclast.
Julia: Hmm.
Brandon (as Umbi): Who sent you?
Eric (as Gayle Smauugue): I'm here to negotiate what's going to happen next, because I think it might be easier for everyone if we all left, because the tortangos are upset.
Brandon (as Umbi): Who sent you?
Eric (as Gayle Smauugue): I'm here on behalf of the Diamond Knot, but also—
Brandon (as Umbi): No, I know—
Eric (as Gayle Smauugue): But I'm— but they were contract— but the Diamond Knot—
Brandon (as Umbi): Okay.
Eric (as Gayle Smauugue): —contracted us from the International Council of Keeping the Peace.
Brandon (as Umbi): Ah, the IKP.
Eric (as Gayle Smauugue): Exactly. So you've heard of us?
Brandon (as Umbi): Just now I did.
Eric: Give me a history check, Brandon.
Brandon: Okay.
Julia: Can I roll that, too?
Eric: Sure.
Julia: [dice roll] Yeah. Nope.
Brandon: You don't need to, because I got a 17 plus five for a 22.
Julia: I got a five.
Eric: Honestly, this makes sense, because I don't think there would be any reason for Cammie to know who this is, but Umbi probably would. Like, this is— I'm a Model UN nerd, so these are, like, NGOs, non-government organizations. Something that— like Doctors Without Borders or the Red Cross, or like a World Bank who gives, like, micro loans to people or something. This would be an organization that, like, governments need to deal with— nonprofit organizations that governments need to deal with. Sometimes they're helpful. They're trying to help something that are— that's a little bit too niche for governments to get into, that are, like, human rights issues that need to be dealt with. Other times, rich people put them together, or just to hire people and say that they're on a board of something. And sometimes most of the—
Brandon: Right.
Eric: And most of the times, it just kind of get in the way.
Brandon: Yeah.
Eric: What did I say her name was? Gayle Smy— I said it was Gayle Smug.
Julia: Gayle Smauuge.
Eric: Gayle Smauuge.
Brandon: Gayle Smauuge
Eric: Gayle Smauuge.
Julia: Smauuge.
Eric: Yeah, that's how it's spelled, G-A-Y-L-E S-M-A-U-U-G-U-E.
Amanda: Smaugge.
Eric: Gayle Smauuge.
Brandon: Smauuge.
Julia: She's Dutch.
Eric: She's Dutch.
Brandon: She's Dutch.
Eric: True.
Brandon: Non-Greenfolk organization.
Eric: Non-Greenfolk organization, yeah.
Amanda: Keys only.
Eric (as Gayle Smauugue): I understand that we have a particular situation here, but we are also infringing upon the natural laws of our great planet. And also the tortangos are very upset.
Brandon (as Umbi): Gayle, I'm gonna be—
Julia (as Cammie): Real quick— Umbi.
Brandon (as Umbi): No, go ahead, Cammie. Go ahead, please.
Julia (as Cammie): If you'll allow me. Gayle, do you know why the tortangos are upset?
Eric (as Gayle Smauugue): The tortangos are upset because three out of four of the countries are Verda Stello are taking the water from their natural habitat. Yes, I do.
Brandon (as Umbi): Uh-huh.
Julia (as Cammie): Uh-hmm.
Eric (as Gayle Smauugue): Did you know that?
Julia (as Cammie): Yes.
Brandon (as Umbi): Yeah.
Julia (as Cammie): We did.
Eric (as Gayle Smauugue): Okay, then we're on the same page.
Julia (as Cammie): Okay. So my issue—
Amanda (as Troy): I can read.
Eric (as Gayle Smauugue): I know you can, Troy.
Amanda (as Troy): Oh, okay.
Julia (as Cammie): My issue is you work for the Diamond Knot. You're contracted by the Diamond Knot, which is the government— the secret government oversight of the four countries, and you're telling us we need to leave because the tortangos are upset.
Eric (as Gayle Smauugue): I'm not saying that— we all need to leave. All of us need to leave—
Amanda (as Troy): Okay.
Eric (as Gayle Smauugue): —because we're here.
Amanda (as Troy): So let's all go and not stab or shoot each other and bye-bye.
Eric (as Gayle Smauugue):But what the Diamond Knot is asking for is for the Key with a Gaze.
Brandon (as Umbi): Oh, you can go fuck yourself, then.
Julia (as Cammie): No.
Amanda (as Troy): Absolutely not.
Eric (as Gayle Smauugue): Archimedes is allowed to leave. In fact, he's needed.
Brandon (as Umbi): One second. Cammie, Troy, Key with a Ga— Captain Gaze, Archie, should I blow Gayle up now with a bomb, do you think? Or—
Amanda (as Troy): I think it is not Gayle's fault, but Gayle should go say that we said no and then, like, "Ptoo."
Julia (as Cammie): Yeah,
Amanda (as Troy): And, like, pretend like we spit on her. Gayle, I'm not gonna spit on you, but I think it's important for our message.
Julia (as Cammie): Yeah, Gayle, we won't kill you, but you can go fuck yourself.
Amanda (as Troy): Yeah.
Brandon (as Umbi): That is a good point. Like—
Eric (as Gayle Smauugue): It's interesting.
Brandon (as Umbi): —you need the messenger to return—
Amanda (as Troy): Yeah.
Brandon (as Umbi): —but, like, with a message. So maybe, like— maybe we blow off one of Gayle's limbs or something.
Amanda (as Troy): No, I think maybe we, like, take a log from the fire and then give it to Gayle and be like, "Gayle, we spared you this fiery fate. Tell them no."
Brandon (as Umbi): Oh. I like that. That's fun.
Amanda (as Troy): Yeah.
Brandon (as Umbi): Poetic.
Eric (as Gayle Smauugue): Okay. I hear what you're saying. Interesting. I do have a piece of information that I need to relay to Archimedes Sevens. And I have to do this to him in a— in any sort of— in any amount of privacy you can afford me.
Brandon (as Umbi): Archie, don't you do it.
Amanda (as Troy): Archie, if you wouldn't mind, I think you will be safer if you hear it with all of us here. And I for one promise not to tell your secret to anybody.
Eric (as Gayle Smauugue): I will choose to receive my secrets, allowed in not private, in fact, the opposite, in public.
Amanda (as Troy): Yeah.
Brandon (as Umbi): What a builder move.
Julia: Eric, I'm just gonna quickly ready a hex action.
Eric: Sure. That's fine.
Julia: Okay.
Eric: That's fair. Cool.
Julia: Just letting you know.
Eric: Are you behind— you're behind the chalk?
Julia: Yeah, we're all behind.
Amanda: Yeah.
Eric: Okay. You guys are behind the chalk, for sure.
Amanda: Troy's gonna get an arrow prepared as well.
Eric (as Gayle Smauugue): Can you welcome— can I come in— I can't— are you—
Julia (as Cammie): No.
Amanda (as Troy): No.
Eric (as Gayle Smauugue): I will stay out of here. I'll stay here. I'll stay here. Archimedes Sevens, you've been requested by the Hothouse because the builder is dead.
Amanda (as Troy): Whoa.
Brandon (as Umbi): What happened?
Eric (as Gayle Smauugue): I have been told to relay this message to you. It happened two days ago, and I'm sure you know what this means.
Amanda (as Troy): How do you know she's not lying, Archie?
Brandon (as Umbi): Do you have proof of death?
Eric (as Gayle Smauugue): I do. Can I reach into my vest?
Brandon (as Umbi): Slowly.
Julia (as Cammie): Sure.
Brandon (as Umbi): Slowly. Okay, a little bit faster.
Eric: All right. Gayle Smauugue—
Julia: Smauugue.
Eric: —reaches into her negotiator vest, and she pulls out a small bottle with some smoke inside.
Brandon (as Umbi): Oh, what's that?
Julia: It's like the smoke they burned for the Pope.
Eric (as Gayle Smauugue): I was told you would know what to do with this. I need to be able to give it to Archimedes.
Julia (as Cammie): Okay.
Amanda (as Troy): Can she push it through the barrier on the ground?
Brandon (as Umbi): I think she could put it down on the ground next to the barrier and take 10 big fucking steps back, and Archie could grab it.
Amanda (as Troy): Uh-hmm.
Julia (as Cammie): Right. Remember Key with a Gaze has the grabby thingy.
Brandon (as Umbi): Yeah.
Eric (as Gayle Smauugue): Okay. I can do that.
Julia (as Cammie): Who's very dexterous. Someone else should be the grabby.
Eric (as Gayle Smauugue): Hey, we're on the same side here. Whoever wants—
Julia (as Cammie): We're super not. Ma'am, ma'am?
Eric (as Gayle Smauugue): I'm just try— I'm not on anyone's side.
Julia (as Cammie): So how can we be on the same side if you're not on anyone's side?
Amanda (as Troy): Nice.
Eric (as Gayle Smauugue): Well, you said— I thought we were all on the same side. Then you said we're not, and I said, "We're not on anyone's side, then."
Eric (as Gayle Smauugue): I'm just responding to the flow of conversation.
Julia: Hmm.
Brandon (as Umbi): How many sides are there? What is this? A polygon?
Eric (as Gayle Smauugue): Hey, hey, ho. I'm just a lily pad, come on. I was a lily pad. My mom was a lily pad.
Julia (as Cammie): All right. Put it on the ground.
Eric (as Gayle Smauugue): Okay, I'll put it— I am putting it on the ground.
Julia (as Cammie): 10 big steps back.
Eric: [dice roll]
Brandon (as Umbi): Why are you rolling? I thought we were on the same side.
Julia: Hey, Eric, why are you rolling?
Eric: I'm rolling to have Gayle hold her composure.
Amanda: I do really like the idea of saying to your GM, "Why are you rolling? If we're on the same side of fun, huh?"
Brandon: Yeah, I know.
Julia: Eric, can I just roll like an intimidation check on her?
Eric: Sure. Yeah.
Julia: Cool. [dice roll]
Eric: What'd you roll?
Julia: It's a 12 plus three for a 15.
Eric: [dice roll] Okay.
Eric (as Gayle Smauugue): Hey, I'm put— just— we're all on the same side. I'm just putting it on the ground.
Julia (as Cammie): Uh-hmm.
Eric: And she leans down, her big lily pad body, leans down, puts the bottle on the ground and takes a few steps back.
Julia (as Cammie): 10. 10 steps, big ones.
Eric (as Gayle Smauugue): All right.
Brandon (as Umbi): Don't fall off, but like—
Eric (as Gayle Smauugue): A few steps—
Julia (as Cammie): No, if you fell off, that'd be pretty.
Eric (as Gayle Smauugue): I'll take some— I will take some steps back.
Brandon (as Umbi): Thanks.
Eric (as Gayle Smauugue): Okay.
Eric: She takes 10 steps back.
Julia (as Cammie): Troy, you're dexterous, right?
Amanda (as Troy): Yeah.
Julia (as Cammie): All right. Can you grab the grabber from Key with a Gaze and grab that for Archie, please?
Amanda (as Troy): All right.
Julia (as Cammie): Okay.
Eric: So you're gonna use the grabber and reach over?
Amanda: Uh-hmm.
Eric: Okay.
Brandon: I think that gives you advantage on grabbing, right? Since it's a grabber.
Julia: You should.
Amanda: 15.
Eric: Okay.
Julia: Pretty good.
Amanda: You already had advantage.
Eric: [dice roll] Okay, Troy, you can—
Amanda: You know, I can do a flip and do acrobatics instead.
Eric: No, it's fine. Troy, you're fine. Yeah, you can reach over with and you can take the Key with a Gaze's grabber and grab the bottle.
Amanda: And then I pass it to Archie, without touching.
Eric: Archie takes the bottle— oh, with the grabber. Archie takes the bottle, walks over to the campfire, uncorks it in the smoke from the bottle, and it gets caught up in the fire itself. And then, "Poof," green Smoke billows up and out of the fire.
Amanda (as Troy): It is just like the Pope.
Eric: Guys, there's no Pope.
Julia: Let's be honest.
Eric: The Catholic Church—
Julia: Is the builder not the Pope?
Eric: I— the one thing I asked was that there wasn't a Catholic Church in this campaign.
Julia: You picked cool-colored smoke, man. I don't know what to tell you.
Eric: Oh, fine.
Eric (as Gayle Smauugue): It's true. This is the sign. It's been a week. How long has it been to make— for you to make this travel? Can I come closer? Can I come back?
Brandon (as Umbi): Yeah.
Amanda (as Troy): To the barrier, yes.
Eric (as Gayle Smauugue): To the barrier? Okay. Walking back. Gayle's walking back. Go over here.
Brandon (as Umbi): You just narrate everything you do?
Eric (as Gayle Smauugue): I'm just making sure everyone knows what I'm doing.
Brandon (as Umbi): That makes sense.
Eric (as Gayle Smauugue): And here I am. Yes, it's— I got the— I got this message two days ago. Everyone knows this is the first test of builders. If you want to be a builder, you can never be late. Tardiness is next— tardy is the second worst thing you can be.
Brandon (as Umbi): Really? Being on time is part of the whole, like, murder each other to become a builder thing?
Eric (as Gayle Smauugue): The games begin seven days after the death of the last builder.
Brandon (as Umbi): Huh.
Eric (as Gayle Smauugue): I need to—
Julia (as Cammie): So you have four days.
Eric (as Gayle Smauugue): I got to— I'm running out of time.
Amanda (as Troy): So, um, excuse me, Miss Smauugue.
Julia: Smauugue.
Eric (as Gayle Smauugue): Smauugue, Smauugue.
Julia: Smauugue.
Brandon (as Umbi): Oh, it's Smauugue? Okay.
Eric (as Gayle Smauugue): Smauugue. Yeah.
Julia: Smauugue.
Amanda (as Troy): Miss Smauugue?
Eric (as Gayle Smauugue): Yeah.
Amanda (as Troy): If we may leave, if it is pleasurable to you.
Amanda: And he gestures at the Key with a Gaze and Archie.
Eric: Uh-hmm.
Amanda (as Troy): If Archie will go with you and answer the summons, then naturally, we should be able to leave with the Key with a Gaze.
Eric (as Gayle Smauugue): Unfortunately—
Brandon (as Umbi): Wait, why are we negotiating?
Eric (as Gayle Smauugue): —that is not— unfortunately, that is not the situation that was presented.
Amanda (as Troy): It's my situation.
Eric (as Gayle Smauugue): I understand and I hear you, Troy. Thank you for sharing.
Amanda (as Troy): Why do you keep saying you can hear me? We're talking.
Eric (as Gayle Smauugue): Troy, I hear you, and I see you, and I appreciate you sharing—
Amanda (as Troy): Okay. Can I shoot now, guys?
Eric (as Gayle Smauugue): We— Archimedes, we can give you safe and quick passage back to the Hot House, to the Coliseum, and we can get you there in two days. We have the ability, we have clearances to cut through places you wouldn't be able to do so. If you leave right now, you'd be able to catch it on your o— you'd be able to catch it on whatever ship you in the Key with a Gaze have been using with lo— and that is cutting it very, very close.
Amanda (as Troy): Don't believe them, man. What's better for a new builder than saving the Cascade, saving the world?
Brandon (as Umbi): I mean, you do whatever you need to do, Archie. We can steal your boat if you want.
Amanda (as Troy): Yeah.
Brandon (as Umbi): But we are— Madam Smauugue.
Eric (as Gayle Smauugue): Oh, it's Miss Smauggue. Miss— you can call me— you can call me Gayle.
Brandon (as Umbi): Okay. Gayle, we're gonna be going with the Key with a Gaze off our own thing now.
Julia (as Cammie): Yeah, there's really nothing you can offer us that is gonna make us want to give you the Key with a Gaze.
Brandon (as Umbi): Yeah.
Amanda (as Troy): This is— what do you call it, guys? Our best and final offer.
Julia (as Cammie): Uh-hmm.
Amanda (as Troy): Let us leave now and you get to keep your life.
Julia (as Cammie): That's what they call an offer you can't refuse.
Brandon (as Umbi): Captain Key, not that we are in possession of you, you are your own person.
Amanda (as Troy): We are your steward.
Brandon (as Umbi): Just letting you know.
Eric (as Gayle Smauugue): Hmm, understood. Archie, what are you thinking?
Eric (as Archie): I gotta— I have to make— I gotta— I have to chart my course. I need to make— I need to do— figure— do some math and I got— I have to—
Brandon (as Umbi): Oh, you know what’d actually be helpful? Probably make this go faster. We got this, like, animatronic compass named Michigan J. Compass.
Amanda (as Troy): Oh, yeah. You'll love him.
Julia (as Cammie): You can have him.
Brandon (as Umbi): If you want to borrow him.
Amanda (as Troy): Also, I'm sorry, man.
Amanda: And Troy goes up to Archie, gives him a big hug.
Amanda (as Troy): It must be sad for your boss to die for you to get the job you want.
Julia (as Cammie): Is that also your, like, dad?
Eric (as Archie): It— I cannot begin to explain to you the interweaving relationships.
Julia (as Cammie): It's your dad but also god. I understand.
Eric (as Archie): Yeah. Yes, yes. He— yes. And then I— but then I become dad and god.
Julia (as Cammie): If you become builder.
Eric (as Archie): If I become builder, which I want.
Amanda (as Troy): So it's happy.
Julia (as Cammie): Right.
Eric (as Archie): Which I've been trained my whole life to be.
Julia (as Cammie): Uh-hmm.
Brandon (as Umbi): Right.
Eric (as Archie): And without it, I wouldn't have a purpose.
Brandon (as Umbi): Right.
Eric (as Archie): What would the whole point of this whole thing being?
Brandon (as Umbi): Yep.
Amanda (as Troy): You know, fun, treasure, stealing.
Brandon (as Umbi): Troy, you know Archie doesn't believe in fun.
Julia (as Cammie): Archie doesn't want to be a pirate, and that's okay.
Eric (as Archie): I— no, I don't.
Julia (as Cammie): Uh-hmm.
Eric (as Archie): I—
Amanda (as Troy): Well, I'm sorry, buddy.
Eric (as Archie): I just— I'll go back, and I can come back in a few minutes and tell the Diamond Knot what you were talking— and tell the key retrieval teams what you were thinking of and I can come back if there's something you want me to bring to bring to them.
Brandon (as Umbi): Well, you know, we kind of just told you we were gonna leave so, like, don't leave and tip off our bad guys.
Julia (as Cammie): Yeah. Like, don't come back.
Eric (as Archie): Okay.
Amanda (as Troy): Yeah. What if you guys go down the front way and we go down the back way, and then—
Julia (as Cammie): Well, we shouldn't say that in front of Gayle.
Amanda (as Troy): Oh, yeah. Can we huddle up?
Amanda: No, no, that's fine.
Julia: Gayle's, like, right there.
Amanda: I know what I'm doing, yeah.
Eric: Okay.
Amanda (as Troy): Gayle, you can keep your life and just slowly walk down the mountain with Archie. And Archie, you're so big and filled with grief, I— and then you're so sad and slow. And by the time you guys get down there, we're good.
Eric (as Gayle Smauugue): Okay. Well, this offer is until daybreak, which is coming pretty soon. Interestingly, thought I should share it with you, because we're all on the same side here.
Brandon (as Umbi): You keep saying that.
Eric (as Gayle Smauugue): Because I hear you—
Julia (as Cammie): You keep saying that.
Eric (as Gayle Smauugue): —and see you and want to share this with you, so you can hear and see me.
Julia (as Cammie): I know, I'm obligated to feel my feelings. Uh-huh.
Eric (as Gayle Smauugue): I mean, I—
Amanda: Eric, did you look up the Harvard Business Review article for negotiation techniques?
Eric: I sure wish I had.
Eric (as Gayle Smauugue): But I wanted to let you know that no one has seen the tortango mother yet for her second round as she do— as she does, usually, twice a night, and we find that peculiar. So we are— we're— everyone here, and I mean we as everyone, Greenfolk in and around the— in and around Mango Crossing at the moment, scenes of that is odd and upsetting. So time is of the essence. So I'm just gonna go a— this offer is only here for a little while. Again, I'm just an interlocutor, and I just want to make sure that everyone is okay and happy with these decisions.
Brandon (as Umbi): Miss Smauugue, because you're a youth, let me just tell you a few things real quick. Okay? Because old people, they like to tell younger people what to do and think and feel.
Eric (as Gayle Smauugue): That— that's a treasure. It—
Brandon (as Umbi): Absolutely. And you should—
Eric (as Gayle Smauugue): The geriatric is a jewel to Verda Stello as a whole.
Brandon (as Umbi): And you should respect that no matter what they say.
Eric (as Gayle Smauugue): I'm respecting it, I'm hearing. I mean, my ears are open.
Brandon (as Umbi): Yep. Let me tell you, number one, you're getting paid by someone who is not us, who is our enemy.
Eric (as Gayle Smauugue): Sure.
Brandon (as Umbi): That is called— what they call in the business a conflict of interest.
Eric (as Gayle Smauugue): Okay.
Brandon (as Umbi): So you are not a partial negotiate— impartial negotiator, first of all.
Eric (as Gayle Smauugue): Uh-huh.
Brandon (as Umbi): Second of all, negotiators, generally speaking— I know I didn't go to negotiator school, but—
Eric (as Gayle Smauugue): No.
Brandon (as Umbi): —negotiators, generally speaking, try to ask the other people what they want.
Eric (as Gayle Smauugue): Uh-huh.
Brandon (as Umbi): Not make them an— like, there's like, you know, a guy on a hill with a hostage, and they're like, "I'll give you $10 if you let him go." That doesn't usually work. They're usually like, "What do you need? We're your best friend."
Eric (as Gayle Smauugue): Okay. Well, see, I was told—
Brandon (as Umbi): Well, see— no, no. I can't— see— old man talking.
Eric (as Gayle Smauugue): Oh, you're still talking? Okay, okay.
Brandon (as Umbi): Yeah, old man talking.
Eric (as Gayle Smauugue): I'm respecting. I'm respecting.
Julia (as Cammie): He's still going.
Brandon (as Umbi): Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Eric (as Gayle Smauugue): Okay.
Brandon (as Umbi): So no matter what you say, you were just a puppet of the DK crew, and we fucking hate them, and they're trying to destroy the world. So don't leave this area, because when you turn your back, I will bomb you.
Eric (as Gayle Smauugue): I won't turn my back. No, I won't.
Brandon (as Umbi): So you—
Julia (as Cammie): And he means it—
Eric (as Gayle Smauugue): Well, I can—
Brandon (as Umbi): So you stay here.
Eric (as Gayle Smauugue): I was— I guess I was told that you would be inflexible. But if you are flexible, if there's something you want, I could bring it back to them. What do you want? Honestly, this—
Brandon (as Umbi): I—
Eric (as Gayle Smauugue): —all seems pretty interesting over here. I'd love to hear what you are interest—
Brandon (as Umbi): I would love for the DK, the Diamond Knot crew to just like— the Diamond Knot just to sort of, like, disband completely—
Amanda (as Troy): Uh-hmm.
Brandon (as Umbi): —and go away forever. Is that possible?
Eric (as Gayle Smauugue): Okay.
Amanda (as Troy): Yeah.
Eric (as Gayle Smauugue): I can bring that back to them. I— I'll be honest, I don't know if they'll— they'd receive, possibly.
Julia (as Cammie): Hey, hey—
Brandon (as Umbi): Yeah, but— see, here's the problem. You turn your back, I'm gonna bomb. That's the problem.
Eric (as Gayle Smauugue): I'm not gonna turn my back. I'm not— I can walk away—
Julia (as Cammie): Hey, Umbi—
Eric (as Gayle Smauugue): I can walk away backwards.
Julia (as Cammie): Hey, Umbi, this seems like a time-wasting tactic.
Brandon (as Umbi): Yeah, that's true. Do you want to go ahead and make some light while we escape Cammie?
Julia (as Cammie): Yeah:
Brandon (as Umbi): Great.
Julia (as Cammie): I'm gonna surround her with dancing lights.
Amanda: Hooray.
Eric: Surround her?
Julia: Yeah.
Eric: Okay. What does that do?
Julia: Basically, I can create four torch-sized lights within range, making them appear, basically, however I want. They can also appear vaguely humanoid shape, which I think is kind of fun.
Amanda: Hell yeah, dude.
Eric: That's so threatening. I hate that.
Julia: Yeah. I can make them any color as well. They don't have to be—
Amanda: Uh-hmm.
Julia: —the orange that the tortangos Dislike. Rather, I'm gonna make them bright and terrifying.
Brandon: Yeah, the tortangos do like the orange, right?
Julia: Yes. So—
Eric: Yeah, they do.
Julia: —I'm gonna make them a different color.
Brandon: Right.
Amanda: Like a piercing white, like the moon.
Julia: Yeah. You know those hospital lights that, like people have in their houses?
Amanda: Uh-hmm.
Julia: And I say, "What's wrong with you?"
Amanda: Yep.
Julia: That color.
Amanda: Yep.
Brandon: So I'm going to also— I think the best part about this is when Cammie does this, like a teenager throwing a firecracker at your feet, so they get you to move. I'm just gonna throw a couple bombs on the ground next to Gayle here, see if she can scuttle off towards the DK crew with their lights, you know?
Eric: Okay. Give me intimidation checks from both of you.
Julia: Of course.
Amanda: I feel a little bad for Gayle, but not that bad.
Brandon: She took the job.
Amanda: But she's an oil lobbyist, yeah.
Julia: [dice roll] It's a 17 plus three for a Dirty 20.
Eric: Okay. Brandon?
Brandon: I don't want to say.
Eric: Okay. What is it?
Julia: Aw, buddy.
Brandon: I don't want to say it, Eric.
Eric: What is it?
Amanda: What is it, buddy? It's okay.
Brandon: I don't want to say it. It's a one.
Julia: Yeah, of course. It's a one.
Eric: It's a one?
Julia: Of course, it's a one, little guy.
Eric: It's a one?
Brandon: It's a one, eric.
Eric: It's a one? Okay.
Amanda: I'm sorry, buddy.
Eric: All right.
Amanda: Worth a try.
Eric: Well, here's what I'm gonna do.
Brandon: I was doing so good.
Eric: I know you were, it was good. Here's what I'm gonna do. I'm going to average them together.
Julia: Fair.
Eric: I'll even round up, 21 divided by 2, 10 and a half will give you an 11. Alright?
Julia: Oh, that's so nice of you.
Eric: Here's the thing about Gayle. Gayle is pretty good at not being intimidated, re her line of work.
Julia: Fair.
Eric: So I added a plus four to the last time Cammie intimidated. I'm gonna do that again.
Julia: Okay.
Eric: [dice roll]
Julia: What was it?
Eric: Fuck, I rolled a two.
Julia: Yeah. I had a feeling. I had a gut instinct. I said, "Oh, he's being nice to us because he thinks he's not gonna lose."
Eric: I— that's true, Julia. That's very true. Be like—
Eric (as Gayle Smauugue): Okay, all right. If we're not going to negotiate, I guess I'll have to—
Eric: She jumps back from Umbi's bombs and the terrible circulating white lights. Like—
Eric (as Gayle Smauugue): Seems like you were trying to— this is breaking in a way I wasn't anticipating. So I just— am going to take— I see, and hear, and, smell, and taste, and feel.
Julia (as Cammie): Goodbye.
Amanda (as Troy): Waaahhhh!
Eric (as Gayle Smauugue): Okay. I'm taking some steps back.
Eric: And she doesn't turn her back to you. She takes— she's literally— like hops backwards while facing for you.
Eric (as Gayle Smauugue): Because, like, I don't want Umbi— I heard when Umbi said he would bomb me, so I'm just gonna take some steps backwards, back into the brush. Okay. Taking steps backwards. Alright, stepping back.
Julia (as Cammie): Goodbye.
Eric (as Gayle Smauugue): I'm— goodbye.
Brandon (as Umbi): Bye.
Eric (as Gayle Smauugue): I'll tell them it's a no.
Brandon (as Umbi): I hope you get fired from your job. You're bad at it.
Eric (as Gayle Smauugue): Sticks and stones, Umbi. Sticks and stones.
Amanda (as Troy): Sticks and stones make a me. That's not really a me to scare you and your friends at the campfire.
Julia (as Cammie): Okay, we should go.
Brandon (as Umbi): Let's go.
Julia (as Cammie): Gang, gang, quietly, we should go.
Brandon (as Umbi): Did you finish packing yet?
Eric (as Archie): I— we're packed. We're packed.
Julia (as Cammie): Just leave your shit here at this point.
Eric (as Archie): No, we're packed. We're packed. We can go.
Julia (as Cammie): Great.
Eric (as Archie): We can go.
Eric: So are you keeping the dancing lights up or that was part of the intimidation?
Julia: I am sending them with her, because they can go up to 120 feet, and I can use my bonus action to move them 60 feet per turn.
Eric: Sure. Sure.
Amanda: Yay.
Eric: Give me a perception check, Cammie.
Julia: [dice roll] Perception. 14 plus three, that's a 17.
Eric: Okay. [dice roll] Oh, my God.
Julia: What happened, buddy? She's about to get eaten by the tortango mama, isn't she?
Eric: Well, here's what happens.
Julia: Uh-hmm.
Eric: As Gayle Smauugue—
Julia: Smauugue.
Eric: —Smauugue, is walking backwards, you hear [whines] as two tortango pups are coming up out of the cave and are coming towards her.
Brandon: Are their names Moo and Deng?
Eric: They can be, now that you've named them.
Amanda: Now they can't die, though.
Eric: And the light, because they're attracted by the lights
Amanda: Uh-huh.
Eric: —that these, like, glowing, ghostly figures of bright white light.
Julia: These babies go, "Aaah."
Eric: "Aaah." They're like, "Aaah, aaah." And usual, cool, calm and collected Gayle Smauugue negotiator is like—
Eric (as Gayle Smauugue): Oh, oh, I— babies, babies, I know— if you could just let me pass, I just— no, I don't want any of this. No.
Eric: And the lights, there's— how many dancing lights are there, four?
Julia: Four.
Eric: Okay, four. Then they're surrounding her on all sides.
Julia: Uh-hmm.
Eric: And Gayle is turning around, and is trying to keep facing forward towards you, right?
Brandon: She's gonna get munched.
Eric: And as she's turning—
Julia: This is Nedry in Jurassic Park. I'm so here for it. Go ahead.
Eric: She's like stepping around and stepping around, and the light is, like, lighting her in all directions, because there's four of them swirling around, right?
Julia: Uh-hmm.
Eric: And she turns to try to step around the tortangos, and you catch a little bit of her back. And someone's been taped to her back.
Brandon: What?
Amanda: What?
Brandon: Is it Bramble?
Julia: Who was taped to her back?
Eric: Well, it's with super-secret spy tape.
Julia: Oh, fucking Di.
Eric: But you catch only a glimpse of her, and Di pulls Gale down, and they tumble backwards down the steps of Mango Crossing.
Amanda (as Troy): Okay. So she'll be fine. Let's go real quick.
Julia: Yeah.
[theme]