The Key Retrieval crew is moving in. Stick figures are banging on the door. The Tortangos will be awake come daybreak. This is their last chance to get off of Mango Crossing.
Oh, we’d be alright if the wind was in our sails / And we’ll all hang on behind / And we’ll roll the old chariot along / And we’ll all hang on behind
Sponsors
- Catan Studio, where the classic CATAN Starfarers is available now! Pick up your copy at catanstudio.com with the code we shared in the midroll for 10% off your purchase.
Find Us Online
- website: https://jointhepartypod.com
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Cast & Crew
- Game Master, Co-Producer: Eric Silver
- Co-Host (Umbi), Co-Producer, Sound Designer, Composer: Brandon Grugle
- Co-Host (Chamomile Cassis), Co-Producer: Julia Schifini
- Co-Host (Troy Riptide), Co-Producer: Amanda McLoughlin
- Theme Song: Lyrics by Eric Silver, music by Brandon Grugle. Vocals by Brandon Grugle, Lauren Shippen, Julia Schifini, Roux Bedrosian, Eric Silver, Tyler Silver, and Amanda McLoughlin. Available for purchase here.
- Artwork: Allyson Wakeman
- Multitude: https://multitude.productions
About Us
Join the Party is an actual play podcast with tangible worlds, genre-pushing storytelling, and collaborators who make each other laugh each week. We welcome everyone to the table, from longtime players to folks who’ve never touched a roleplaying game before. Hop into our current campaign, a pirate story set in a world of plant- and bug-folk, or marathon our completed stories with the Camp-Paign, a MOTW game set in a weird summer camp, Campaign 2 for a modern superhero game, and Campaign 1 for a high fantasy story. And once a month we release the Afterparty, where we answer your questions about the show and how we play the game. New episodes every Tuesday.
Transcript
Eric: I remember a time before the Cascade dried up. Here in Verda Stello, the four nations of plant and bug people flourished and thrived. But the great waterfall that fed the land slowed to a trickle, revealing a vast Salt Sea and unknown islands. The only guide were the words of the 13 Dried Carvings. "The water will slow to fall, but the tides are turning. Find the Infinite Lake to replenish the world and discover the Salmon who will grant you a wish of whatever you desire." This marks the beginning of the Tide, as many Greenfolk hauled onto ships to find the Infinite Lake and maybe riches, adventure, excitement, and purpose along the way. And what exactly is a salmon? Is that a berry? That was 50 years ago, and the Tide rushes forward ever still. There are many stories caught on the wind between sails, but why don't we hear just one? Of a butterfly gunman with clipped wings, a ripened and explosive piece of produce, and a witch made out of tea. This is Join the Party Campaign 3, The Rising Tide!
[theme]
Amanda: Last time on Join the Party.
Eric: I need to emphasize to you that the last episode was part of many episodes that were recorded in a short amount of time, and I got Joker-fied. I fell into a vat of acid and I turned into the Joker, which explains how, in the last episode, the crew discovered that someone was making homunculus of them, made out of bundles of sticks. A non-government organization sent a negotiator to try to have the Key with a Gaze and Archimedes Sevens give themselves up. Archie then learned the builder died, and he got activated like a Russian sleeper agent, and DiAnnalyse was taped to the back of the negotiator the entire time. So let's see how my incredibly heightened choices will lead us to the next plot here. Let's get the party started.
Eric: We're recording this the day before Yom Kippur, which is the somber Jewish holiday, where Jews apologize for the things that they've done in the past year, and they hope that they're forgiven by people and by God herself.
Brandon: Thank you.
Eric: Thank you. Thank you. God is a woman. And then we fast for 25 hours in a row. And I just want the three of you to know that I have nothing to apologize for.
Julia: I knew that was going to happen. Fuck.
Eric: Fuck you, guys. It's all your fault, all of your choices.
Julia: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Eric: All of your choices have led you to this moment.
Brandon: We hard cut to heaven, where God herself is going, "Hmm, yep. Uh-hmm. Uh-hmm. Yep."
Amanda: That's right.
Brandon: " Uh-hmm. Uh-hmm."
Julia: Yeah.
Eric: Yeah. It's like, "Yeah, Eric, good job. Book of Life."
Amanda: Harsh but fair.
Eric: Check mark. I say this to you as a fun way to begin, what's happening now. I'm no longer the Joker as I had more than two days to figure out what's gonna happen next.
Julia: Great.
Eric: So I'm feeling great. I'm feeling innovated at this moment.
Amanda: Congratulations.
Eric: Thanks.
Julia: Proud of you, bro.
Brandon: Excited.
Eric: I feel like the three of you are gonna pull out knives and are gonna kill me like Caesar.
Julia: No, because it's not The Ides of March.
Eric: Ah, The Ides of Oktubre, Julia.
Julia: Yeah.
Eric: That's the same.
Julia: Uh-hmm.
Brandon: Oktubre?
Eric: So they're like— so it's like, sharpened bones.
Julia: Hmm.
Eric: Julia is gonna kill me with a 20-foot skeleton.
Julia: Gah.
Eric: In my back.
Julia: Uh-hmm.
Eric: A two skeleton?
Julia: A two skeleton.
Eric: Okay. So the three of you and the Key with a Gaze and Archimedes Sevens are at the top of Mango Crossing. I think you want to leave. Would you like that?
Brandon: I would like that.
Julia: I would like that.
Eric: Would that be good for you?
Julia: That would be.
Amanda: Yes.
Eric: Okay. I guess we can make that happen.
Brandon: I'm not going to do this, Eric, but I would like my intentions known that I would love to have a tortango baby as a pet, but I'm not going to.
Julia: Absolutely fucking not.
Brandon: No.
Eric: Sorry, Brandon, you can only get a tortango baby as a companion in New Game Plus.
Amanda: Oh. Microtransaction?
Julia: Uh-hmm.
Eric: Yeah. Or, Brandon, you could give me $20 right now.
Julia: Hmm?
Brandon: Hard pass.
Julia: Hmm?
Eric: Venmo me $20.
Brandon: Hard pass.
Julia: Uh-hmm.
Amanda (as Troy): Wait, did everyone else see DiAnnalyse taped to the back of that Lily pad or was that just me and is this a nightmare again?
Brandon (as Umbi): No, it was her.
Julia (as Cammie): No. She's doing that more than I would have thought.
Brandon (as Umbi): How do you even tape yourself to someone? How do you do that?
Amanda (as Troy): How did— like not to be rude, but how did she not notice?
Julia (as Cammie): Double-sided tape.
Brandon (as Umbi): Oh, double-sided tape. That's how she didn't notice.
Eric (as Key with a Gaze): Yar. You know that wee assassin?
Julia (as Cammie): Yeah.
Amanda (as Troy): That's my sister.
Eric (as Key with a Gaze): Hmm. Family drama.
Julia (as Cammie): Hmm.
Amanda (as Troy): Yeah. I would say she— she'll be nice to you, but I do not think she'll be nice to anyone.
Brandon (as Umbi): No.
Eric (as Key with a Gaze): Hmm. Well, if we comes into a position where I need to walk the metaphorical plank, as laid out by your sister, I think, Troy, please intervene on my behalf.
Amanda (as Troy): Yeah.
Julia (as Cammie): I will say she has— had many opportunities to kill us and hasn't.
Brandon (as Umbi): Uh-hmm. Yeah.
Julia (as Cammie): So—
Amanda (as Troy): Yeah.
Eric (as Key with a Gaze): Hmm.
Brandon (as Umbi): She may be the only thing in this universe that can kill me.
Julia (as Cammie): She does have that weird knife.
Brandon (as Umbi): Yeah.
Eric: I'm making a note. I'm writing down notes of all the things that you all say.
Amanda (as Troy): Yeah. She has a very dangerous knife. Make sure you do not get stabbed by it, but also, she kind of works, like, with or for the Diamond Knot right now. I don't know where her heart is at, but she won't tell me that her heart is in a good spot. So just, like, be very careful and maybe try not to kill her. Just try to, like— she really hates it when, like, you stick her— when, like, you grab her by the back of the shirt, and then you stick your arm out really far, and then you say, "You can't touch the ground. You can't touch the ground," because she is very small. I don't know if that would work anymore, but it used to do.
Eric (as Key with a Gaze): Hmm.
Julia (as Cammie): Do you know about a knife that—
Julia: How did she describe it? It was— it takes life from things that shouldn't have it?
Amanda: Uh-hmm.
Eric: Hmm.
Brandon (as Umbi): The Dilly blade. I think it was something like that.
Julia (as Cammie): Yeah, the Dilly blade.
Amanda (as Troy): Dilly dagger.
Brandon (as Umbi): Dilly dagger.
Julia (as Cammie): It's supposed to take life from things that aren't supposed to have it?
Eric (as Key with a Gaze): Oh, a string bean knife? I might call it.
Julia (as Cammie): Yeah.
Eric (as Key with a Gaze): Yar. Haricut verte
Julia (as Cammie): Yeah, that was also another name for it, I think.
Brandon (as Umbi): Yeah. I like that one.
Eric (as Key with a Gaze): Oh, I just— I mean, that's what I came up with myself.
Julia (as Cammie): Impressive.
Brandon (as Umbi): Good.
Eric (as Key with a Gaze): In my key— with my key thoughts.
Julia (as Cammie): Hmm.
Amanda (as Troy): It kind of makes me worried that maybe it or she thinks that you shouldn't have life, which, like, I don't think is true, but other people might.
Eric (as Key with a Gaze): Oh.
Julia (as Cammie): No, the Planter gave your life.
Brandon (as Umbi): Right?
Eric (as Key with a Gaze): Oh, I thought this was— I thought you were giving me one of the first advice I ever had, which is, don't touch the pointy end, but there's something else at work here.
Amanda (as Troy): That also.
Amanda: Troy writes it down.
Julia (as Cammie): Yeah.
Julia: Troy is gonna have a book of philosophy by the end of this campaign.
Brandon: Which is the pointy side of the barrel?
Julia (as Cammie): I guess the edges?
Eric (as Key with a Gaze): The first thing you do is— whatever you're doing in life, you identify which side is the pointy end.
Amanda (as Troy): And then you touch it?
Eric (as Key with a Gaze): No, you don't. No, you pick the other side.
Amanda (as Troy): You do not touch it?
Julia (as Cammie): You avoid it?
Amanda (as Troy): You touch the other side.
Eric (as Key with a Gaze): You hold the other side carefully.
Amanda (as Troy): Touch the butt, never the nose.
Eric (as Archimedes): All right, we're going. It's time, we're packed up. We got— let's go. We're going. It's time, the move— let's go. We're moving. Go— it's time to go.
Julia: Is this Archie?
Eric: This is Archimedes Sevens with the largest backpack you've ever seen in your entire life.
Julia: Uh-hmm.
Eric: We've already established that he is a nine to 10-foot tall death-head moth, and his wings extend even farther. But you imagine— if we are extrapolating like the kid in seventh grade with the rolly backpack—
Amanda: Uh-hmm.
Eric: —that can also carry it.
Brandon: Uh-hmm.
Eric: And extrapolate that to Archimedes Sevens. That is the size of the backpack he's wearing.
Brandon: That's tight.
Julia: I'm also picturing like backpackers through Europe, but worse and nerdier.
Eric: Yeah. Like, imagine like someone staying at a hostel in Prague, but their backpack is like a Darth Vader backpack.
Amanda: Yes. Shoes are clipped to the outside, bedroll on the bottom. Yeah, been there.
Julia: Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Eric: Now, I'm not saying Archimedes has a Darth Vader backpack, but think about the equivalent of a Darth Vader backpack.
Julia: What would that mean in this universe?
Amanda (as Troy): Archie, do you want to come with us? Or are you going to get to where you got to go some other way?
Brandon (as Umbi): You got to build, right?
Amanda (as Troy): Yeah, I get it. Duty calls.
Brandon (as Umbi): In order to build, first you must tear down the limbs of your opponents. That's what I learned.
Eric (as Archimedes): Oh, you've read the 205 points for becoming the builder in the future?
Brandon (as Umbi): Yeah. I was there at one of the competitions once.
Julia (as Cammie): He met the dead ghost.
Brandon (as Umbi): It's where I met the guy that you ignored in a cave. He died.
Eric: I like that there was, like, in the middle of a gladiator fight, someone was— during the down times as a real warrior poet who eventually became the builder.
Amanda: Well, it just flashes on the Jumbotron, Eric, in between Coca-Cola commercials.
Eric: Sure, got it. And you could see the warrior— yeah, this warrior poet writing down 205 points of How to Become the builder.
Amanda: Uh-hmm.
Julia: Good for him.
Amanda: Fun fact number 60, never turn your back, ever in any room.
Brandon: Number 61, don't touch the pointy side.
Eric: In this backpack are all of the things that I brought from home. I— when I did the— I only did the inventory afterwards, and I don't know what everything did. So I did not know there was a person soul inside of the soul gem.
Brandon (as Umbi): Yeah. I— no, I know. We went over this. I get it.
Amanda (as Troy): Yeah. I don't think it was done on purpose.
Eric (as Archimedes): I just took it. It was from the— it was in the larder.
Brandon (as Umbi): Arch, your mentor was just poking fun at you. It's okay.
Eric (as Archimedes): The Key with a Gaze didn't say anything. I'm confused.
Brandon (as Umbi): Fuck!
Eric (as Archimedes): Can we go?
Julia (as Cammie): Yeah.
Eric (as Archimedes): Let us go. Let us leave.
Amanda (as Troy): Can anyone do anything to protect us from soldiers, or homunculuses, or maybe like those scary birds?
Brandon (as Umbi): Can I pitch an idea?
Amanda (as Troy): Okay. Is it bombs?
Julia (as Cammie): I'm scared.
Brandon (as Umbi): It's not bombs.
Julia (as Cammie): Is it bombs?
Brandon (as Umbi): It's— well, it could be bombs, but that's Plan B. Plan A—
Amanda (as Troy): B is for bomb, I know.
Brandon (as Umbi): —how much do you guys love a zipline?
Julia (as Cammie): Usually, a zip line requires a already established line and an ending.
Brandon (as Umbi): Have you ever heard of friendship?
Julia (as Cammie): Ah.
Amanda: Yeah. Can Troy— that's a great idea. Can Troy roll to find somewhere to anchor the arrow to?
Eric: Yes. Okay. I want you to know I have written down some mechanics for you getting off of Mango Crossing. Okay?
Julia: So Eric said, "Fuck that plan. I'm chilling."
Eric: I'm not— no. I'm not saying fuck that plan, but I'm real— I'm allowing this to happen before that all goes down.
Amanda: Great.
Eric: So we're gonna see how this kind of fits into the whole situation. All right?
Amanda: Okay. So the crossbow necklace has a 300-foot range.
Eric: Great. Love it. Love to hear.
Amanda: Let's do it. I can use a risk die to double my normal range so that I am not doing this attack with disadvantage.
Eric: Okay.
Brandon: Noice.
Julia: Dope.
Amanda: Can I first roll to find a good anchor point? A tree, a boat?
Eric: Yeah, you can just put it in the tree. Yeah.
Amanda: Okay, all right.
Eric: You can definitely do that. The tree, we established that there was like— that the top of Mango Crossing is picturesque with the lake, the little tent, the fire, and a little tree that's right here, so you can just pin it into that tree.
Amanda: All right, so Troy's gonna take the necklace off, wrap it and secure it around a tree branch, kiss it and say—
Amanda (as Troy): Goodbye, sweet friend.
Amanda: And then standing behind it, almost like he's aiming a, like, squirt gun at a fair. He's gonna go with tears rolling down his eyes—
Amanda (as Troy): For the final time, friendship.
Eric: Wait, you're gonna leave it here?
Amanda: Well, it's a zipline, too.
Eric: You can pull the others— you can pull the other side of the rope.
Brandon: It's fine.
Amanda: But it's anchored to the necklace.
Brandon: It's fine.
Eric: Wife of mine.
Amanda: Okay.
Eric: You can retrieve the rope on the other side if you want to pull it down. I'm not letting you sacrifice the friendship arrow.
Amanda: Okay.
Eric: But I like that Troy thought that he had to and did it anyway.
Julia: Yeah.
Amanda: Okay, great.
Julia: That's true friendship.
Eric: Everyone, be nice to my wife. If— don't look at my wife, but be nice to my wife.
Julia: You look really pretty today, Amanda.
Amanda: Thank you. Okay. Let's go.
Eric: Cool.
Amanda: Roll my attack.
Eric: I'm gonna do something first.
Amanda: Okay. [dice roll]
Julia: I wish I had a spell, which was just called no, so when Eric says he's gonna do something, I can just be like, "No."
Amanda: That'd be good.
Brandon: Hey, Julia, all you have to do—
Eric: Okay.
Brandon: —is write a little supplement, and then, you know, we can use it.
Julia: Let me talk to Mage Hand Mike.
Eric: Julia, you can try to do something now. We're not an initiative or anything. If you want to try to— if you would like to guess what I'm doing—
Julia: No, I won't do that.
Eric: —try to counter program to it, you're more than welcome.
Julia: I just want to get ahead of you.
Eric: Julia, you— do you want to wait for me to announce it and be like, "In the past, I did this."?
Julia: Yeah, that's how I wanna play.
Eric: That's like— no, no, no, no, no, no. No, no, no, no, no, no. No, no, no, no, no, no.
Amanda: So for mechanics, I've used my second to last risk die to do steady aim, which doubles my normal and maximum range.
Eric: Lovely.
Julia: Yar.
Amanda: Let's— this would be a great time to crit self. [dice roll] Okay, not a crit, but it is a 12 plus four for a 16.
Eric: Okay.
Brandon: Pretty good. Pretty good.
Eric: I think it's nighttime. The stars are out, the fires and the orange lights are still out. You can find a tree 300— if we Pythagorean theorem it, 300 feet away, down Mango Crossing. I think you can shoot the friendship arrow into it, gives a satisfying thwack—
Julia: Hmm.
Eric: —of arrow into wood.
Amanda (as Troy): All right, folks, let's go. Let's go.
Julia (as Cammie): Okay.
Brandon: And they said we'd never use geometry outside of school.
Amanda: Uh-hmm.
Julia: Still wouldn't, still not gonna.
Eric: Cool. Okay. So then, because you did that, now I'm going to tell you how you're gonna get off of Mango Crossing.
Brandon: Okay.
Eric: And I will— we'll address this accordingly. There are functionally five tiers, five sections of Mango Crossing. You're kind of on the top here, which is outside. And I think that we can split the Mango Crossing into five stages here. Much like we did with the labyrinth, I want to— I came up with a sort of point system for you to get out of Mango Crossing, hopefully, unscathed.
Brandon: Cool.
Julia: Okay.
Eric: So each one of you, of your party of five, has one point. You have one action point. You can use that to do the action and bonus action, as given to you by Derblins and Derblins. You may use your action point to descend this stage of Mango Crossing.
Julia: Okay.
Eric: You need to use four action points to get off of this stage to the next stage.
Brandon: Okay.
Eric: Okay? There are five of you. Four of you can use your action point to do it, and one of you can do— will do something else, that counts. You may also— you refresh your action points as rounds go, so two of you can contribute to the escape, and three of you can do something, and then the— they refresh, and then you can do two more.
Amanda: Uh-hmm.
Eric: But it's up to you. However, if you want to do anything, anything other than the preliminary kind of look them around that I will do to introduce each stage as you move down Mango Crossing, you will need to do something.
Amanda: Cool.
Julia: Okay.
Eric: If you want to use the zip line to escape, I will double your points for the first stage of Mango Crossing. I think 300 feet away, that would count for kind of this top layer of the Mango Crossing layer cake. So if you apply your point, your action point to leaving, you only need two here.
Julia: Okay.
Eric: Okay?
Brandon: Okay.
Eric: Obviously, the three of you can control your own. You'll have to see what your NPCs do as well.
Amanda: Uh-hmm.
Eric: Because they have control of their own action points. And you're gonna have to do this five times for each stage of Mango Crossing.
Julia: Gotcha.
Amanda: Let's do it.
Julia: All right.
Eric: So this first stage, stage one is the top of Mango Crossing. This is you crossing the threshold of Archie's chalk outline.
Julia: Uh-hmm.
Eric: Archimedes also snuffs out the fire, because that's the proper thing you do—
Julia: Smart.
Eric: —when you're a boy scout. You got to put out the fire.
Brandon: Uh-hmm.
Eric: Because only you—
Julia: Uh-hmm.
Eric: —can prevent forest fires. He's a bugbear, Smokey the Bear.
Amanda: Oh.
Brandon: Oh, he's so tiny.
Amanda: Cute.
Eric: "Only you can prevent forest fires. I'm not wearing a shirt, but I am wearing pants."
Julia: Yeah.
Eric: "And a hat." And you're also kind of descending into those woods that Troy has already tracked. However, you can just kind of skip over all that stuff. If two of you use your points towards escape, you only have to do it twice.
Brandon: Great. Yeah.
Julia: Yeah.
Amanda: Yeah. It's definitely what Troy wants to do.
Brandon: Yeah.
Julia: Yeah. Yeah.
Brandon: The only thing I could think of to have, to hold on to the zip line, though, is like I have— technically, I have an explorer's pack with 10 torches, so I could use a torch.
Eric: You can use whatever you want. It's fine.
Brandon: Okay.
Eric: Do you have an old towel you can use?
Brandon: Eric, I would never do that to a towel.
Eric: Wow. Too much reference for a towel, even a stinky towel. Only two of you have to do this, so if other of you want to do something, you're more than welcome to do something.
Brandon: Well, I'll go last and, like, prep a bomb, just in case.
Amanda: Troy's point can be used on doing the arrow to kind of facilitate the fewer actions.
Eric: Sure. Love it.
Brandon: I think Archie can hop on down and Cammie, do you want to go with him?
Julia: Yeah. Yeah. I want to escape.
Eric: Yeah.
Amanda: Let's descend.
Eric: Archimedes will use his point on escape as he takes out a harness and a helmet and a real like— almost looks like bicycle handles that he clips to the zip line. Like—
Eric (as Archimedes): I have everything in this pack. If anyone needs anything, I have it.
Brandon (as Umbi): Nerd.
Amanda (as Troy): Do you have like a thing that will transport you back to where you need to go?
Eric (as Archimedes): I don't.
Amanda (as Troy): Okay.
Eric (as Archimedes): That's the one thing I don't have in the pack.
Amanda (as Troy): Just checking, just checking.
Eric (as Archimedes): Out of all the things in the pack, that is one thing I do not have.
Amanda (as Troy): Uh-huh.
Julia (as Cammie): Do you have true love?
Eric (as Archimedes): Havana, that's a frivolous question.
Julia (as Cammie): Okay.
Brandon: Havana?
Eric: Remember he doesn't know.
Brandon: Oh.
Julia: I know. I remember. I remember the joke.
Eric: Umbi was like—
Eric (as Umbi): Havana's not here.
Brandon (as Umbi): Havana's not here. What are you talking about?
Julia: Cammie is going to take her cool ceremonial chain link cape and is going to use that to slide down the zip line.
Eric: Love it. Okay. Umbi, what bomb are you prepping? What are you doing?
Brandon: I think just a good, old regular bomb maybe.
Julia: Good, old-fashioned bomb.
Brandon: Well, no, maybe like a bramble bomb, so I can capture anything that comes at us.
Eric: Cool. Are you just like saying this, or is this like a— like an action?
Brandon: It's like an action. It's like when I'm— it's like me putting together the bomb.
Eric: Oh, right. This is when you— it gets, like, super stuffed with damage, right?
Brandon: Yeah. It's like— if you've ever been to a high end coffee bar and, like, there's a barista who's, like, lightning fast good at putting the shit in the other shit, and then tamping down the shit, and then making the shit come out of the other shit?
Amanda: Uh-hmm.
Brandon: It's like— yeah, Umbi is, like, the fastest you've ever seen him move. It's like [fast forward noise]
Julia: Only when he makes bombs.
Eric: Uh-hmm.
Brandon: Uh-hmm.
Julia: So slow, otherwise.
Brandon: Yep.
Eric: Cool. I'm gonna do something as the Key with a Gaze. [dice roll] The Key with a Gaze holds Archimedes. Be like—
Eric (as Key with a Gaze): Hold on. Do you hear that?
Eric: And then takes out a revolver and fires it into the air. And then you hear [squawks] pff. And something else falls from the sky.
Brandon: I love this key. This key friend.
Amanda (as Troy): Keep doing that, man. That's great.
Eric: And then you hear— [wings flapping]
Eric (as Key with a Gaze): We've been spotted.
Eric: And you look up, and the same winged creatures from before are flying around, and one is flying back down to the camp that the Key Retrieval Team has set up at the bottom of Mango Crossing.
Julia (as Cammie): Go away, birds.
Eric (as Key with a Gaze): They see it.
Julia (as Cammie): They see what.
Eric (as Key with a Gaze): They see our— they see we're leaving. What other reason do you have for having a zip line.
Julia (as Cammie): Fun.
Brandon (as Umbi): Fun.
Eric (as Key with a Gaze): I know pirates are jolly and everything.
Amanda (as Troy): Fun.
Julia (as Cammie): Fun.
Amanda (as Troy): Fun.
Julia (as Cammie): Friendship, literally.
Amanda (as Troy): Yeah.
Brandon (as Umbi): Literally. We should go.
Eric (as Key with a Gaze): We gotta— let's keep our eyes peeled, okay? Yar, for us.
Julia: Always a good sign when the DM says, "Keep your eyes peeled," that means roll perception checks, you guys.
Eric (as Key with a Gaze): No, I— no, I'm not the DM. I'm this— I'm the Key with a Gaze.
Brandon: Holy shit. A new character broke the fourth wall.
Eric: If you would like to use actions to— for your perception checks, feel free. That was always possible with your points.
Julia: I'm escaping. That's what my action is.
Eric: You can escape. You can escape whenever you want.
Julia: I'm doing it.
Eric: All right. All of y'all, boom, two points times two multiplier from Troy, that's four points. Stage one of Mango Crossing. You are zip lining your way out.
Julia: [success noise]
Brandon: Oh, yeah, Eric, what kind of cool title cards do we get for the stages and for the successes?
Eric: Stage one, complete!
Julia: Yeah.
Brandon: Yeah.
Julia: We did it.
Amanda: The Street Fighter announcer guy?
Eric: I was trying to be the Super Smash Bros. announcer.
Amanda: Oh, yeah. Also good.
Julia: Hmm.
Brandon: Yeah, I got it.
Eric: "New challenger, Luigi."
Julia: Oh.
Brandon: [Tries to do Luigi impression] I can't— I don't have a Luigi.
Julia: I think Luigi is a little, like, napa cabbage.
Eric: Hmm.
Amanda: Ooh.
Eric: Damn, dude.
Brandon: Oh, I thought you meant in how he speaks. I was like, "Julia, what the fuck does that mean?"
Julia: No.
Eric: Emotion— metaphorically napa cabbage.
Amanda: Imagine if you were doing voiceover and the director is like, "Give me a little more napa cabbage on that take." I would be like, "I quit. I don't know what the fuck you're talking about."
Julia: I said, "Can I have more notes?"
Amanda: Yep.
Eric: I like red cabbage and napa cabbage with mustaches together, who are plumbers in Brooklyn.
Brandon: That's really cute.
Eric: That's good. That's good stuff.
Amanda: Cute.
Julia: Thanks.
Brandon: Mario.
Eric: Mario. All right. As you land into stage two, you are firmly inside of those— of the woods that make up the higher parts of Mango Crossing. And you land kind of in the— in this forest brush area. That's also when the lights from below Mango Crossing go out, and it is dark.
Brandon (as Umbi): Oh.
Eric: That is what I'll give you here in stage two. What do you all want to do?
Brandon: Who has the highest perception amongst us? I have plus 5.
Julia: Three.
Amanda: Oh, definitely that. One.
Brandon: Oh, okay. Then I'm gonna roll perception, Eric.
Eric: All right. Boom. One action point.
Julia: Should even out well.
Brandon: Yeah. What's zero plus five? Five.
Eric: It's negative two.
Julia: Oh, it's a one, right? It's a one. Of course, it's a one. What else would it be?
Brandon: Oh, it was a one.
Julia: Never beating the allegations, Brandon.
Eric: Never beating the Brandon allegations.
Julia: Uh-hmm.
Brandon: It's embarrassing if it weren't— if it didn't happen all the time. It's like— you know, you pee your pants once, it's embarrassing. But if you continually pee your pants multiple times, it's just like a thing you do.
Julia: Then you have no friends, unless it's a medical condition.
Amanda: And you're piss boy.
Julia: I don't want to throw incontinent people under the bus, but if you keep peeing your pants without—
Amanda: No, but then you come up with systems, Julia.
Julia: Yeah.
Amanda: Then you, you know, modify things.
Eric: Okay. Umbi, all of you land in this brush, and each of you are separated. You kind of like land in different places. Archimedes does a dodge roll and lands farther away. The Key with a Gaze is heavy and lands down. All of you land in slightly different places here in the brush, and you're all separated from each other. You can't see each other. Umbi—
Brandon: A tree pokes me in the eyeballs.
Eric: Umbi, you have a thought, and you should go this way.
Brandon: Okay. Do I have to follow that thought?
Eric: Yes.
Brandon: As my punishment?
Eric: Yes.
Brandon: Okay.
Eric: Brandon, once again, I'm not wrapping you on the knuckles for speaking in class. Here I am refereeing what the dice said.
Brandon: This time is more be me being punished by my dice, not being punished by you.
Eric: Exactly. The dice speaks through me.
Brandon: Yeah.
Eric: Umbi, you go— you think you want to go that way.
Brandon: Yata, tata, taratatata. I go that way.
Eric: Great. We'll see how that goes.
Julia: We will.
Brandon: I think poorly.
Julia: I'm gonna guess poorly.
Eric: Hmm. You have four points. What do you all wanna do?
Amanda: I think Troy is happy to put it toward escaping every time.
Julia: Yeah. I wanna gather our crew members, I think, so—
Amanda: Yeah.
Julia: —I'm gonna cast another dancing light and try to send them towards the direction that I see each of the crew members, because it's up to four.
Eric: Up to four? Sure.
Julia: So I'm gonna send anti-tortango lights—
Amanda: Warm light.
Julia: —towards where I think Troy, the Key with a Gaze, Archie, and Umbi are.
Eric: Compliant tortango lights?
Julia: Yes.
Eric: Okay. So the warm orange lights, for sure.
Julia: Yes.
Eric: For sure. Love it. Love it. So, yeah, that definitely illuminates the area. You can also see that Archimedes has pulled out a real classic-esque pirate sword.
Julia (as Cammie): What you got there, bud?
Eric: But it is glowing with magenta energy that crackles as he slices through the brambles around him.
Brandon: Cool. A cutlass?
Eric: Oh, cutlass, yeah. It is
Eric (as Archimedes): This is my slicing cutlass. I took it off of someone I defeated in combat, and I added some enhancements.
Julia (as Cammie): Modifications? Yeah. Cool.
Amanda: Can Troy use the light to find his way back to the group and roll survival to try to map out a good path toward the next tier?
Eric: Yeah. I'll give you some better odds on your survival check now that Cammie has helped you— y'all out.
Julia: Yay.
Amanda: That's a Nat 20.
Julia: Is it Nat? Yeah.
Brandon: Woo! Hot gold, baby.
Eric: All right, roll me a D4.
Amanda: Okay.
Brandon: I'm yes, you're no. I'm in, you're out.
Amanda: One.
Eric: Great.
Brandon: You're up, I'm down.
Julia: I'm down.
Eric: All right.
Julia: Wrong and right.
Eric: Troy—
Julia: Black and white.
Amanda: What are you guys talking about?
Julia: We fight, we break up. We kiss, we make up.
Amanda: Oh.
Julia: Do you want us—
Amanda: Oh.
Julia: Yeah.
Eric: Much like Jesus Christ and the Catholic Church, Katy Perry does not exist in my world.
Brandon: Katy Perry is the deity of another religion.
Amanda: Yeah.
Eric: The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost, Dr. Luke is involved in that somehow, and I choose to opt out. Okay. So Troy, name one of your party members who's not Umbi you would like to find in the brush.
Amanda: Key with a Gaze.
Eric: Key with a Gaze? Okay. Troy, you're pushing through the brush, you reach your hand out, and you feel the cold metal of the Key with a Gaze's head and shoulder?
Amanda (as Troy): Oh, sorry, I don't like to touch without permission.
Eric (as Key with a Gaze): Aye, that's all right. When we're hoofing it on land, it's much—
Amanda (as Troy): Land rules?
Eric (as Key with a Gaze): It's land rules.
Amanda (as Troy): Yeah.
Eric (as Key with a Gaze): You can touch whatever you want.
Amanda (as Troy): Yeah.
Eric (as Key with a Gaze): Not in the sea.
Amanda (as Troy): Nah. That's the land of pirates, where we have a code and society.
Eric: Yeah. You also— someone else grabs your hand behind you, and it is Cammie.
Julia (as Cammie): Hey.
Amanda: Troy squints. This is definitely Cammie?
Eric: You're in the brush. You can't really make it out.
Brandon: Or is it a bundle of sticks?
Julia (as Cammie): This is a stressful situation. Would you like some tea?
Eric (as Key with a Gaze): Not now, lass. We don't have time to set up. We got to get out of here.
Julia (as Cammie): Okay.
Eric (as Key with a Gaze): But on— but when we go back to sea rules, I want— I need a full steam. Yar.
Julia (as Cammie): Sea rules mean steam, yeah.
Amanda: Troy's gonna whirl around, stare Cammie deep in the eyes and go—
Eric: So as you turn around, you are kind of surrounded on all sides by brush and wood. You can recognize—
Amanda: Yeah, yeah.
Eric: —the Key with a Gaze, because of his undeniable metallic vibe.
Amanda: Uh-hmm.
Eric: But you are— you cannot see Cammie, even though you're holding her hand.
Amanda: Can Troy smell his own hand? What does the hand smell like?
Eric: It smells like the barrel polish that you constantly have—
Amanda: No, the hand I'm holding. Cammie's hand.
Eric: That you— you've— yeah, the patina of the barrel polish—
Amanda: Okay.
Eric: —overcomes it all.
Amanda (as Troy): Cammie, I have a quick question for you.
Julia (as Cammie): Yeah.
Amanda (as Troy): Who from my past do you want to kill most of all?
Julia (as Cammie): Threelips, but I think we already killed him.
Amanda (as Troy): Okay, phew. Okay.
Eric: Wonderful. The Key with a Gaze is going to use its action point to escape, so you have one. The zip line bonus only counted for stage one, that is one of four.
Amanda: Uh-hmm.
Eric: And now we are resetting, and I'm gonna do some stuff. Umbi, in the woods, as you are stumbling around, and I'm sorry to use the word stumbling, but here we are, natural one. Here we are.
Brandon: It's me, Natural One.
Eric: It's me. Natural One.
Julia: It's me. Hi, I'm the Nat One. It's me.
Brandon: It's me, the napa cabbage.
Amanda: What's the fractal broccoli?
Julia: Romanesco.
Brandon: Thank you. I was like, rumba.
Amanda: I think that would be Wario.
Julia: Rumba.
Brandon: Yeah, that's true. Romanesco will be Wario.
Julia: While Luigi is those, like, long Japanese eggplants, like long skinny ones.
Eric: Oh, 100%. Umbi, as you're stumbling through the woods, you hear Troy's voice—
Brandon (as Umbi): Troy?
Eric: —beckoning you to come this way, because he's found a clearing.
Brandon: Does it sound like Troy being like, "Hey, come this way," or is it like, "Hey, come this way."?
Eric: It's probably not that one. It probably sounds—
Julia: It sounds like Troy.
Eric: It probably sounds more like this.
Amanda (as Troy): Umbi, over here. I got a clearing.
Brandon (as Umbi): Okay, cool. I'll go that way.
Eric: Troy also has found a easy path down Mango Crossing.
Amanda (as Troy): I found an easy path down Mango Crossing.
Eric: and that's when Archimedes pipes up.
Eric (as Archimedes): Oh, wow, incredible. What an easier way for me to leave and find my destiny as the builder.
Brandon (as Umbi): Wait a second.
Eric: No, that doesn't signal— that's what— that's— hold on.
Julia: That is just how Archimedes sounds.
Eric: That's what Archimedes Sevens sounds like. That's what he sounds like.
Brandon: Okay, Eric.
Eric (as Archimedes): Here is an easy way for you to see it. I found a torch.
Eric: And Umbi, you see the smoke and warm fire of Archimedes lighting a torch through the brush that way.
Brandon: Okay. Do I have to do anything right now?
Eric: No. I'm just setting some stuff up for you guys.
Brandon: Okay.
Eric: [dice roll] I've done some rolls.
Brandon: Were they good ones?
Eric: Pretty good.
Julia: Okay.
Eric: The round refreshes. You all have your action points again. You have one point banked to escape stage two.
Brandon: Can I do a— let's do an investigation check.
Eric: Yeah, do an investigation check.
Amanda: Now, Brandon, I'm gonna need you to roll anything except a one.
Brandon: Oh, I'm not— wait, am I not supposed to roll a one?
Amanda: Uh-uh.
Julia: No, actually, Brandon, roll a one. Roll it.
Brandon: Okay.
Julia: I dare you.
Brandon: Here's a one. Well, it was a 13 plus five for 18.
Julia: Excellent.
Eric: 18? What are you looking for, bud?
Brandon: Well, Umbi is gonna turn to Archie and say—
Brandon (as Umbi): Archie, who's your mentor?
Eric (as Archimedes): Oh, well, it is obviously a combination of a few things, both my nature and nurture, the builder camp that I was a part of, you obviously mentored me during a formative time in my life, and the Key with a Gaze.
Brandon (as Umbi): That sounds like something ChatGPTree would say.
Julia: Hey.
Eric: Boo.
Brandon: Hey, hey.
Eric: Boo. Absolutely boo.
Brandon: Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.
Eric: You are also hearing this— through your investigation, you hear this through the brush.
Brandon: Yeah, with my investigation check, can I tell if this is a fake or not?
Eric: Sure. All right. Let me see. [dice roll] With an 18, based on what I rolled, you cannot for sure know if it is Archimedes or a fake. I'll give you that it felt a little processed, but is it enough to tell you one way or another? No. But that is your action point.
Brandon: Okay.
Eric: Yeah. What else? Anyone else? Julia, my only idea is just to, with my proficiency in bruvs, try to find and hold the hand above me.
Julia: That's a good idea. I like that.
Brandon: You could just, like, use some kind of— some kind of flare, you know? Or metaphorical flare, you know?
Amanda: Yeah.
Brandon: Or just shout.
Amanda: Yeah. I have no more pockets full of sawdust, so—
Brandon: Did you keep track of that for real?
Amanda: Oh, yeah. I used my last pocket full with escaping.
Brandon: Oh, Amanda.
Julia: All right, Key.
Brandon: Be nice to my wife.
Amanda: All right. Yeah, I think— Eric, could I sort of persuade you that with my proficiency in bruvs I may, in fact, have proficiency in trying to locate Umbi and hold his hand? Because nothing's better than holding hands with your bruvs.
Brandon: I want to hold your hand.
Julia: It's true.
Eric: If you would like to do a survival, you can do a few things. You can do a survival check to go through the woods. You can try to do an investigation check to find Umbi, for sure. I can give you proficiency with that, because you know where he is. But, like, the thing about the action economy here is that, like, everything is so singular. So if you want to try—
Amanda: Hmm.
Eric: —to look for him, that's one thing. But if you want to charge forward, that's a different thing.
Amanda: I think I better charge forward and help the Key cut some paths through the forest, because once Umbi does find us, he'll need that path, too. Does that make sense?
Eric: That does make sense. So give me a survival check to find a clearing to get out of the woods.
Amanda: Not a clearing. I want to just find a path, because I don't want coverage for the birds to see us again.
Eric: Oh, sure. How about with survival— you're trying to find a way out, and also, so you can look around at whose hands you're holding, is, I assume, is what you're trying to do?
Amanda: Yes, but if I have to choose, it will be clearing a path for ourselves to get out. I got a 17 plus six for 23.
Eric: 23.
Julia: Nice.
Brandon: Very good.
Eric: You can find your path again that you use to navigate to the top of Mango Crossing. But now, you are finding your way down. You can burst through the brush and, like, get on to an actual kind of walking path.
Amanda: Yeah.
Eric: That's been established by you, and maybe Archimedes Sevens, and whoever else has been here before, trying to, like, walk through. It's the desire path going through the woods here.
Julia: Gotcha.
Amanda: Troy's gonna let go of the hands and get a couple of steps in front of others, just in case.
Eric: Cool.
Amanda: He's really shaken by the homunculus thing.
Eric: Yeah. Cammie is looking for your hand as she needs help getting out to the path.
Julia (as Cammie): Troy? Troy, where'd you go?
Amanda (as Troy): Oh, sorry. Okay.
Amanda: And Troy will extend his hand back out.
Eric: And Cammie says, "Oh, there it is."
Julia (as Cammie): Oh, there it is.
Eric: And reaching out of the tree line, they grasps your forearm is a hand made out of sticks.
Amanda (as Troy): Aahh!
Eric: That grabs you and steps forward. This Cammie is shaped like Cammie, but it's just kind of bundles of sticks all tied together.
Amanda (as Troy): I knew it didn't smell right.
Julia (as Cammie): What? I don't smell right?
Eric (as Archimedes): What do you mean I don't smell right?
Julia (as Cammie): What do you mean I don't smell right?
Amanda: This is so scary.
Eric (as Archimedes): Here, let me show you here.
Julia (as Cammie): Here, let me show you here.
Eric: And I'm going to attack Troy. [dice roll] That's a 14?
Amanda: Yeah, it hits.
Eric: Oh, that hits. [dice roll] All right. That is 17 points of damage as the Cammie sticks homunculus scarecrow digs its sharp claws into your arm.
Amanda: Can I attack back?
Eric: Yeah, you can attack back if it comes into your space, for sure.
Amanda: Okay, great. Troy's gonna whip out the dagger at his hip and slash it.
Eric: Sure.
Amanda: Fuck. It's only a nine to hit.
Eric: It's not gonna do it.
Brandon: Have— you still have not crit on an attack roll yet?
Amanda: No. I do have two attacks, though.
Brandon: Jesus Christ.
Amanda: So he's gonna slash once in one direction and then slash back in the other.
Eric: All right.
Amanda: [dice roll]
Julia: Did you finally crit?
Amanda: Well, well, well, if that's not a 19—
Eric: Finally.
Brandon: Yeah!
Amanda: —which is a crit, episode 60.
Julia: Woo.
Eric: I don't want to be that guy, but I do need to check if you only crit on arrows.
Amanda: No, I bet I do. You're right.
Eric: It's ranged firearms attacks, folks. I'm sorry. Don't look at my wife!
Brandon: Fuck!
Julia: Goddamn it.
Eric: Stop looking at my wife. She made a mistake.
Amanda: Okay.
Eric: She reread— she read her character sheet wrong.
Brandon: You're so smart and cool.
Eric: Don't look at her.
Brandon: I like your sweater.
Julia: You're a great tabletop RPG player.
Amanda: No, I don't like this. I don't like it. I don't want it. It's like Coraline. I don't like it.
Eric: All right. Give me— all right.
Amanda: Okay.
Eric: Attack for damage, please.
Amanda: Well, I don't crit, but you know, that does hit, I assume.
Eric: Yeah.
Amanda: Okay. And then, I mean, it's just a D for piercing. We'll do what we can. It's a three, plus two. Oh, no, that's attack bonus. Okay. Alrighty. That's a three plus two for five points of damage.
Brandon: Hey.
Julia: Nice.
Eric: Nice.
Amanda: Listen—
Brandon: Five sticks fly off of Cammie's body.
Amanda: Well, I'm trying to hack its wrist off, so I don't know if that actually works, but I want to try to get myself free.
Eric: I'll take five damage. Five damage, it goes to it. It's still this terrible stick Cammie Homunculus is still up on you.
Julia (as Cammie): Ow, Troy, that hurt.
Eric (as Archimedes): Yeah. Why would you do that, Troy?
Julia (as Cammie): Why would you do that, Troy?
Amanda (as Troy): Don't yell at me in the voice of my friend.
Brandon: Julia would be a good, like, haunted twin.
Julia: Yeah.
Amanda: Yeah.
Julia: I would be.
Eric: [dice roll] Oh, good. The Key with a Gaze rolled a 19. Oh, you know what would be cool as hell? The Key with a Gaze gets down low and, like a low kick in a fighting game, just slashes at the ankles of this stick homunculus and just slices it, cleanly slices through its stick legs as it falls over and shatters.
Brandon: Hell yeah.
Amanda (as Troy): Oh, thank you. Oh, God, that was so scary. I hate when things pretend to be what they are not.
Eric (as Key with a Gaze): Aye. Me too, lad. Things that should be should be.
Amanda (as Troy): Yes. That things— I mean, if I could, like, add to that things that should not be should not be.
Eric (as Key with a Gaze): I don't know about that, things that should not be are pretty good at not being.
Amanda (as Troy): Oh. Yeah, that's what the daggers for, I guess, and I do not like that.
Eric (as Key with a Gaze): That's what the daggers for.
Amanda (as Troy): Okay. Let's find the real Cammie.
Eric (as Key with a Gaze): As someone who should— as something that should not be that is, I'd have to disagree with you, boy.
Amanda: Troy cups his face between his two hands, and says—
Amanda (as Troy): I'm so glad you are, though.
Julia: Aw.
Eric: Cammie?
Julia: Yeah. I think Cammie would like to— I think it's a bonus action, but Cammie would like to recall the dancing lights.
Eric: Sure. You can recall them.
Julia: And sort of have them swirl around her head and then, as a free action, yell—
Julia (as Cammie): Everyone, just come towards the lights.
Eric (as Umbi): I'm over here. No, I'm over here. I'm lost. I'm turned around.
Eric: From four different directions, you hear Umbi calling out to you.
Brandon: It's angering to me that Eric can do my voice so— my character voice so well, no one else's.
Julia: Uh-hmm.
Eric: The only reason why I'm doing it is like out of my players who would not be compliant and not say the thing I want him to do? I'm doing Umbi. Brandon doesn't get to do Umbi.
Julia: Correct.
Brandon: That's fair.
Julia: So I think I want to do that. I don't know if that counts as my action or not.
Eric: No, you can do a bonus action for free, as long as it's not like another— a whole other spell. You can just do a— if it's built into something else, you can do a bonus action for me.
Julia: Okay. I think Cammie is going to head towards where she last saw the light on the beach, and it's just like—
Julia (as Cammie): If you can hear the sound of my voice and see the dancing lights, follow me.
Eric: Bang, two points.
Brandon: Noice.
Eric: Two escape points. We have two escape points right now.
Julia: Can I also grab Archie, because I saw the real Archie. I know it's the real Archie, and pull him with me?
Eric: He did do it. He did clear enough brush around him that I think you can see him, for sure.
Julia: Cool.
Eric (as Archimedes): Ah! Oh, it is you—
Julia (as Cammie): Havana.
Eric (as Archimedes): Havana, you found me. I'm eternally grateful to you, Havana Tropicana, for finding me.
Julia (as Cammie): Yep. Yep,
Amanda: What if he knows both of Havana's names, but not one of Cammie's?
Julia (as Cammie): And I have so many options.
Eric: I guess because Archimedes— you're leading. Archimedes, I'm gonna give his point to escaping as well.
Brandon: That's three.
Eric: That's three out of four, baby.
Amanda: Three.
Eric: Now, it is the other stuff's turn.
Amanda: Eric, what if you don't take a turn?
Eric: Oh.
Julia: Have you considered not doing that?
Amanda: What if instead I distract you with this ice cream?
Eric: Nom, nom, , nom, , nom, , nom, , nom. Oh, the brain freeze. Now, I'm extra mad.
Brandon: Oh, no.
Amanda: Oh, nuts.
Julia: Oh, beans.
Eric: All right. I'm gonna do a persuasion check against you Umbi, so I want you to do— I want you to give me a charisma check.
Brandon: Charisma.
Eric: Yeah.
Brandon: Julia, tell me to roll—
Julia: Oh, don't do it, Brandon.
Brandon: Okay.
Julia: Don't be— don't— roll that one.
Brandon: Okay. Here comes the one.
Julia: Fuck it, roll the one.
Amanda: Don't roll high, Brandon.
Julia: Prove me right, Brandon. Prove me right.
Brandon: Seven plus two for nine.
Eric: Umbi in the woods, you hear your own voice.
Eric (as Umbi): Umbi, it's your conscious. Come to me, this is the right way. I'm here— it's— go find your friends, Troy and Archie. You could be hanging out with them right now.
Eric: I'm sorry, I rolled a nine— no, I rolled a 19.
Brandon: Damn it.
Julia: Yeah. That makes sense.
Brandon (as Umbi): As I always say, the only person I can listen to is myself. Here I go.
Eric: Umbi, you stumble into the clearing. There are three stick homunculuses standing over you, one of Troy. It's very large. They built out the entire wings. You see one of yourself, which is terrifying. And then you see 10 feet of Archimedes Sevens with his own hand lit on fire.
Julia: How? How did that happen?
Eric: Well, that's the torch he lit.
Julia: Oh, that was the torch. Yeah, that makes sense. I was like, "Why would he do that?"
Brandon (as Umbi): My best friends, it's so good to see you.
Eric (as Umbi): It's good to see you as well, Umbi. I'm going to replace you now.
Brandon (as Umbi): Oh, no.
[theme]
Amanda: Hey, everybody. It's Amanda. Thank you so much for being with us. I know we don't always say it at the top of these midrolls, but it means the world to me and to all of us that you spend some of your time hanging out with us, listening to our stories, and enjoying this action-packed, adrenaline-fueled episode of Join the Party. Thank you especially to our newest supporter on Patreon, Melissa Hyatt. Thank you, Melissa. And I see that a lot of you followed Eric's advice from last week and joined us for free on Patreon, where you will always get free updates as to everything we're doing, important stuff, like new merch, new series, maybe a big special announcement coming this Friday. I don't really know. You are going to get it on Patreon, so thank you. And as always, sign up for free or as a paid member at patreon.com/jointhepartypod. Now, multitude's got a lot going on right now, and we are not done yet for the year in our big announcements, but I want to make sure that we take this time every week to talk about some of the great work that our colleagues are doing on our other shows. And every dang week, Dr. Moiya McTier is putting out an incredible episode of Pale Blue Pod, an astronomy podcast for people who are overwhelmed by the universe but want to be its friend. And if that doesn't say something fundamental about how I feel right now, I don't know what does. It honestly is such a fundamentally, awe-inspiring, hopeful, and open-hearted show. If you're somebody who does like space, I guess could be interesting, or like space a little bit scary, or maybe you love space and you grew up, you know, loving it and wanting to work in the stars. It is a wonderful podcast for you to listen to. And may I point out? An excellent road trip podcast. If, like me, you have some travel coming up next week or the week after, that is a wonderful show to put on and marathon your way through. So look up Pale Blue Pod right now in your podcast player, or go to palebluepod.space. We are sponsored this week by Catan. Yes, Catan. I'm so happy to be working with them, folks, because you can get ready to launch with Catan Starfarers. This is an epic science fiction board game that brings the space adventure to life with custom ships, detailed figures, and the tense fate-deciding roles that we know and love here in RPG land. They have event cards that throw you into thrilling encounters like alien diplomacy or pirate ambushes. So Starfarers is perfect for adding a role-playing twist to every game. Now, I think you guys have heard before that one of the first experiences I ever had with role-playing was during a game of Betrayal at House on the Hill, which Eric was playing with his friends, and it gave me, like, a sort of non-overwhelming way to just, like, throw in a little character voice, right? Like, just to throw in a little bit of a scene and see what could happen. And Catan Starfarers is the most awesome game. It is a classic that is now back, and you can see if you have what it takes to journey into the unknown, including adding some role-playing elements and figuring out what it's like to role play with your friends or family. Gather your crew and conquer the stars with Catan Starfarers. And if you use the code Join the Party at catanstudio.com you will get 10% off the game. That's right, folks, catanstudio.com and the code is Join the Party. Now, let's get back to the show.
[theme]
Eric (as Archimedes): Stay still.
Brandon: I dodge and weave.
Eric: It's good stuff. All right. [dice roll]
Amanda: My brain is picturing all of this in, like, the claymation from those Christmas movies.
Brandon: Yeah, that's good.
Eric: What's your AC, buddy?
Brandon: 14.
Eric: Okay. I only hit once as the three of them lurch towards you with their outstretched, sharp claw hands.
Julia: Good dodging, buddy.
Brandon: Thanks, Julia. What do you want for Christmas this year?
Eric: Please take 18 points of slashing damage.
Brandon: Fuck!
Eric: I rolled a five, a one, and a 10, and then added stuff for the monster, so really interesting—
Julia: Interesting. Yeah.
Eric: —spread of rolls there, 18. Umbi is currently surrounded. If you escape, you do not leave with Umbi.
Brandon: Got it.
Eric: So Umbi, like, has been attacked, but has the condition in your HUD, in your UI, is the little tag that says, "Can't escape."
Julia: Constricted, like in Pokemon.
Eric: And poisoned and burned.
Julia: Well, that's just as usual.
Eric: Umbi hurts himself in confusion.
Brandon (as Umbi): Ow!
Julia: Yeah.
Brandon: It's our turn, though, right now?
Eric: Yeah, let me do one— I gotta do one more thing.
Brandon: Oh, come on.
Eric: [dice roll]
Julia: It might be a good thing. Might be Key with a Gaze. Might be a good thing.
Brandon: I don't think it's a good thing, Julia.
Julia: I'm gonna ignore Eric's laughter. It might be a good thing.
Brandon: I don't think it's a good thing.
Eric: Troy, give me a perception check really quickly.
Amanda: Oh, sure. Ooh. 18 plus 1.
Eric: 18 plus 1 for 19?
Amanda: That's right.
Julia: Good job, buddy.
Amanda: Bitch.
Julia: Good job, buddy.
Eric: Troy, there's someone moving around in the woods. They're staying low, and they're moving from tree to tree. They're trying not to make noise, but you notice the slight rustling. Maybe they're even the small, little trying to be silent, annoying little sister footsteps that you've known trying to sneak up on you many a year in your past.
Brandon (as Umbi): I hope it's Umbi.
Amanda: Troy is gonna hiss under his breath—
Amanda (as Troy): Be useful and kill a homunculus or stay out of my way.
Eric (as Di): I told you that you could be useful to me in only one way, and you didn't do it anyway.
Amanda (as Troy): Yeah, I'm your older brother. Get used to it.
Eric (as Di): Your face is stupid.
Amanda (as Troy): Find—
Eric (as Di): No! You always do this to me.
Amanda (as Troy): Find Umbi, come on.
Eric (as Di): Why should I do that?
Amanda (as Troy): Because I have the key.
Eric (as Di): I know you have the key.
Amanda (as Troy): He's right here.
Eric (as Di): That's what I was banking on.
Amanda (as Troy): Okay, you're not getting him. You have to go through me first.
Eric (as Di): We'll see.
Amanda: Troy's gonna tie himself to the Key with a Gaze.
Eric: All right, refreshing actions. We're coming around. Umbi still cannot escape. That's what you want to do?
Amanda: Yeah.
Eric: Okay. How do you do that?
Amanda: With the 10 feet of hemp and rope in my explorer's back.
Julia: Everyone's got it, bitch.
Amanda: Yep. I'm going to— with the Key with a Gaze's consent, I'm going to tie him to my back.
Julia: Consent is really important to bondage, just for the audience, in case they didn't know.
Amanda: Exactly. Yeah.
Eric (as Key with a Gaze): If it's another day of me living, tie me up and tie me down, boy.
Amanda (as Troy): Let me know if you see anyone coming, okay?
Eric (as Key with a Gaze): Always. Yar.
Amanda: So we're gonna tie back-to-back.
Eric: All right. You're— oh, you're tying back-to-back?
Amanda: Yeah.
Eric: I love it.
Brandon: Well, I would love to try to throw a teleportation bomb to get out of this situation.
Amanda: Hell yeah, dude.
Eric: Okay, great.
Brandon: Obviously, towards the lights that I see.
Julia: Yeah, I was gonna say, can anyone see my lights?
Eric: Yeah, they can see your lights.
Julia: Okay, good.
Eric: For sure. You want to throw them back towards the lights. I think you're tossing it, like, into the back, into the woods?
Brandon: Yeah.
Eric: Cool. Let's do a roll, because they will definitely try to pursue you. So I'm gonna try to do like a pursual to follow you, and you can roll your attack to see how good you threw it.
Brandon: Okay.
Eric: Because, like, the thing with the teleportation bomb, it's like it does it, but let's see how good you throw it.
Brandon: Tight. Well, Eric, I rolled a Natural 20 plus 8.
Julia: Fuck yeah, dude.
Eric: I rolled—
Julia: Fuck yeah.
Brandon: Did you roll a 1? Please tell me you rolled a 1.
Eric: I rolled a 1!
Julia: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Brandon: Yeeeeeeeeees!!!
Julia: That's what happens when you try to impersonate Umbi. You roll like Umbi.
Brandon: I am a God!!!
Eric: Goddamn it. Oh, my God. Okay.
Amanda: Sweet justice.
Eric: Oh.
Julia: Oh, the highs and lows of Dungeons and Dragons.
Eric: So, yeah, I think, yeah, you can escape. Yeah. Where do you want to throw the bomb?
Brandon: I want to— like a fucking elf in Lord of the Rings, just, like, so gently and carefully, and precisionly just, like, toss this bomb like no one's ever tossed a teleportation bomb ever before, like fucking a figure skater in the Olympics who got a 10. It's beautiful, Eric.
Eric: He is beauty. He is grace. He throws that bomb into the woods.
Brandon: Exactly. It does a perfect parabola that lands perfectly in the exact spot that is exactly, I think, 30 feet.
Eric: I like it. With a Nat 20, I'll tell you, you can— is there someone you want to meet up with? Right now, Cammie and— it's Cammie and Archie, or you can meet up with Troy and the Key?
Brandon: Cammie and Archie.
Eric: Okay.
Brandon: I would like to go there.
Eric: Cammie and Archie. Bing, bong, bing ,bong, bing.
Brandon: I'm sorry. Were the— was that the bomb bouncing?
Eric: That was the bomb bouncing off of tree branches.
Brandon: Did I not tell you that it was perfectly parabolic and that—
Eric: It— you don't think Legolas bounces arrows off of things?
Brandon: No, it was heavenly, Eric.
Eric: Okay, sorry. Hooooooo.
Julia: So, aahhhhhh.
Brandon: Yes.
Eric: Ting, ting, ting, ting, ting, ting, ting, ting.
Brandon: It doesn't bounce. It just lands perfectly.
Eric: It rolls deli— Brandon, that is a golf ball delicately blooping into the hole, my friend.
Julia: Hole in one.
Eric: And it just rolls up to Cammie's foot and then, "Vffft."
Julia (as Cammie): Oh, hey.
Brandon (as Umbi): Hey.
Eric (as Umbi): Hey, it's Umbi.
Eric (as Umbi): Hey, wow.
Brandon (as Umbi): I know— wait, are you me or am I me?
Eric: Continuing around Cammie, there's four different voices of Umbi.
Brandon: Oh, God.
Julia (as Cammie): There's too many Umbis.
Eric: Like—
Eric (as Umbi): Wow, it's me. Wow.
Julia (as Cammie): Yeah, okay.
Brandon (as Umbi): Cammie, I don't mean to be weird, but you are—
Julia (as Cammie): Hmm?
Brandon (as Umbi): —also made of sticks, generally speaking. So, like, are you the regular sticks or the other sticks?
Julia (as Cammie): Sniff me.
Brandon (as Umbi): [sniffs] You smell like tea. It's pretty tasty.
Julia (as Cammie): It's me.
Brandon (as Umbi): Yay.
Eric (as Archimedes): The nose knows.
Eric: And then Archimedes starts clapping for himself.
Brandon (as Umbi): To be frank, Archie, even if you, like, told me every— like told me a secret that only you know, I would not be able to tell you between a stick or-- You're just like— you're the most neutral, flat bug I've ever met.
Eric (as Archimedes): But you're not frank. You're Umbi. Why are you being frank?
Brandon (as Umbi): Should we just kill him and say we thought he was a stick man?
Julia (as Cammie): No.
Brandon (as Umbi): Okay.
Eric (as Archimedes): Ha, ha.
Julia (as Cammie): Tempting, but no.
Eric (as Archimedes): I'm trained for exactly that situation.
Brandon (as Umbi): I know, you'd probably kill me. It's fine.
Eric (as Archimedes): I absolutely would.
Brandon (as Umbi): Yeah.
Julia (as Cammie): Troy?
Brandon (as Umbi): Troy?
Julia (as Cammie): Key?
Eric: Cammie, do you want to use it to escape? Or do you want to rely on the NPCs to use the point?
Julia: I will hope that Archie really wants to leave. I have assume— like, I assume he's going to want to escape.
Eric: Okay.
Julia: So I think Cammie is going to be like—
Julia (as Cammie): I'm leaving two lights here, I'm taking two with me, and I'm gonna go find Troy.
Eric: Give me an investigation to see if you can figure out where Troy is.
Julia: [dice roll] 14 plus two for a 16.
Eric: All right.
Brandon: Not bad.
Eric: You could definitely hear through the woods, Troy hissing to someone in the woods.
Amanda (as Troy): Hey, come on. Don't do it--
Eric (as Di): No, I don't care. I don't have to do what you have to say. I don't have to do it.
Julia: Cammie goes that way.
Eric: And Archimedes Sevens will use his point to escape. That is four points.
Brandon: Wee!
Eric: And the Key with a Gaze is going to do something. [dice roll]
Brandon: And I helped.
Amanda: We did it, yo.
Eric (as Key with a Gaze): Be honest with me, boy, is that your sister in the woods, the one who wants to unmake me?
Amanda (as Troy): Yeah, and I'm not gonna let her. Don't worry.
Eric (as Key with a Gaze): Okay.
Amanda (as Troy): Whatever you do, don't get hit by the pointy end, yeah?
Eric (as Key with a Gaze): Never— gotta watch the pointy end.
Amanda (as Troy): Uh-hmm.
Eric (as Key with a Gaze): That's a real land mode thing to do, poking around in the woods. You know, you're gonna be on— there aren't trees and brush out on the Great Salt Sea, you know?
Amanda (as Troy): Nowhere to hide, yeah?
Eric (as Key with a Gaze): If you're gonna come for me, you better do it soon. And you better— you best not miss as I'm attached to your sweet, sweet kin.
Eric: Gonna roll for that? All right. Cool. All right. Stage two, clear!
Brandon: Yeah! We did it!
Eric: You can find your way out of the woods and down to stage three, as you all bust out of the woods into a rocky outcropping next to the large cave that the tortangos use for laying their eggs.
Brandon (as Umbi): Oh.
Julia (as Cammie): Fuck.
Brandon (as Umbi): It's so good to see you again, Troy. I thought I lost you forever.
Amanda (as Troy): Yeah. I got almost fooled by a Cammie what was all made out of sticks, no leaves, and I sniffed, and I did not even— like I did not even trust myself. I knew to sniff, and then I sniffed, and I did not sniff you.
Brandon (as Umbi): Oh, yeah. I didn't get fooled at all. I knew right away.
Julia (as Cammie): That's cool.
Amanda (as Troy): Also, a certain stowaway is lurking around, okay?
Julia (as Cammie): Oh, okay.
Brandon (as Umbi): Threelips?
Julia: Can I, for my first action, prepare a spell, in case I see DiAnnalyse?
Eric: Sure.
Julia: Cool.
Eric: Sounds good. Boom. So we're back— we're doing our rounds again. We have zero escape points. You're— each of you have an action point. Cammie, you can use yours to prepare a spell.
Amanda: Troy will just keep plugging away toward escaping.
Eric: All right. That's one point towards escape.
Amanda (as Troy): Hey, my friend, are you cool to escape as well?
Eric (as Key with a Gaze): I guess we're gonna have to do it together, aren't we?
Amanda (as Troy): Well, I think it's better to coordinate, but if you want to do something else, I'll do something else. Gotta say you're the second ally I've had on my back in the last couple of days.
Eric: No, the Key with a Gaze can escape.
Eric (as Key with a Gaze): If we're doing it tied together, I best be doing the same thing that you are.
Amanda (as Troy): Thanks, mate.
Julia: Yar.
Eric (as Key with a Gaze): Yar. Yar.
Julia: Yar.
Eric: All right. Another point, that's two points. Umbis, what are you thinking? As I described before, the majority of this tier is this cave.
Brandon: Right.
Eric: There isn't a lot of places to stand, so it's like you would only stay here momentarily. So if you want to escape, you can stay here, but if you're— if you can't, you might need to move into the cave to secure your footing.
Brandon: Well, can I do a perception check first?
Eric: Yeah, you—
Brandon: Or would that necessitate me walking into the cave, too?
Eric: You can do a perception check, but you can't use it to escape.
Brandon: Yeah, I'll just do a perception check. I don't know if I use Bartlett if I get some sort of a bonus, but—
Eric: I'll give you advantage if you and Bartlett want to do it together, because you're kind of— you're putting your whole action point behind this, sure.
Brandon: Our whole parrot ass into it.
Eric: You put your—
Julia: I said, parrot pussy in my head and I said, "Don't say that out loud."
Eric: Julia, I did the same thing, but I chose to escape from that situation.
Julia: Fair, fair.
Brandon: You both said it out loud, you fools.
Amanda: Your b-- your bird-ussy.
Julia: The problem is a parrot pussy is still just a pussy.
Amanda: Yeah, that's why I said—
Eric: A parrot cloaca.
Julia: There it is.
Brandon: Well, Eric, I rolled a 10 and 11.
Eric: Okay.
Brandon: And plus 5 for 16.
Eric: 16.
Julia: Oh, pretty good.
Eric: Okay.
Brandon: Not bad.
Julia: Could be worse.
Brandon: I'm mostly looking for dangers and, like— mostly like— is the tortango mama coming to chew us into little bits in her stomach?
Julia: The mama.
Eric: So you see two things with the 16.
Brandon: Okay.
Eric: One, towards the cave, you hear large, loud, heavy breathing and snuffling, and movement from the cave.
Brandon (as Umbi): Oh, that doesn't sound good.
Eric: Kind of stomping and nudging, maybe nudging an egg or two. The other thing you see with the 16 is you see another one of those bat creatures flying around, and you see it dive down below you into a lower tier of Mango Crossing.
Julia: Boo.
Brandon (as Umbi): Don't like that either.
Julia: Boo those bats.
Eric: Oh, yeah. Yeah, boo—
Julia: Boo those bats.
Eric: Boo that bat.
Brandon (as Umbi): I think the tortango mom is in the cave, and also, I think that bat just tipped off our guy— our bad guys, they're below us. So, you know, be aware, be alert. Let's get the fuck out of here.
Julia (as Cammie): Okay.
Amanda (as Troy): Yeah.
Eric: It's Archie's turn.
Eric (as Archimedes): How afraid are you of what's in the cave, Umbi?
Brandon (as Umbi): Exceptionally.
Eric (as Archimedes): On a scale of 1 to 13.
Brandon (as Umbi): Okay. So if you are a 12, I'm scared of you, a 12.
Eric (as Archimedes): You're scared of me, a 12.
Brandon (as Umbi): No, wait, let me revise this. If you are a 7, and I'm pretty scared of you.
Eric (as Archimedes): Okay.
Brandon (as Umbi): The thing in the cave, that there—
Eric (as Archimedes): Yes.
Brandon (as Umbi): —is a 13.5.
Eric (as Archimedes): Hmm.
Brandon (as Umbi): Does that make sense to you?
Eric (as Archimedes): It does. [dice roll] I guess my only follow up question would be, what are you more afraid of, monsters or Greenfolk? Possibly, if you construe it as some philosophers say, might be the war— the da— most dangerous monsters in the world, what we do to each other.
Brandon (as Umbi): Monsters.
Eric (as Archimedes): Oh, monsters.
Brandon (as Umbi): Yeah, I'm afraid of—
Eric (as Archimedes): Okay, get behi— everyone, get behind me into the cave.
Brandon (as Umbi): No, why are we going to the cave?
Julia (as Cammie): Okay.
Brandon (as Umbi): No, I don't want to.
Julia (as Cammie): Just don't hurt the mama, or the babies.
Eric (as Archimedes): I'm go— you don't hurt the mother. If the mother, you've— you— if you demonstrate that you are not a threat, the mons— the mother won't threaten you. Everyone, get behind me.
Julia (as Cammie): Just for the record, no one hurt any tortangos, mother or babies.
Eric (as Key with a Gaze): I— something I can easily comply with.
Amanda (as Troy): Never.
Julia (as Cammie): Thank you.
Amanda: Troy and the Key will shuffle over.
Eric: Yeah. All right. So Archimedes is going to use his action to lead you all into the cave, and stand out in front of you.
Amanda: He really, Brandon, did say to you, "Scared of heights?" And then you go, "Yeah." And then he goes, "Enjoy the sky diving gift certificate."
Brandon: Yeah, that sounds right.
Eric: What are you more afraid of, heights or getting shot in the face?
Julia: And it's face your fears, bitch.
Eric: What are you more afraid of, a break-in or public speaking? And now, we are going to refresh the turn, so it's my turn. [dice roll]
Julia: So many things being rolled.
Amanda: And it looks so upset.
Eric: Pff, pff, pff, pff, pff, pff.
Julia: No, not the fucking net gun.
Eric: From below shot up, you see 10 nets flying towards you with his modified cutlass out.
Archimedes slashes through one, stabs through another, turns around, blocks one with one arm that wraps around his hand. Two out of 10 catch him around the ankles and, like, round them up like a bow lay. The hooks also pierce into his skin and his— he does not change expression.
Julia: Okay. Weird.
Eric: Like, it's such— in like a really—
Julia: Weird.
Amanda: Stoic.
Eric: Stoic emotionally— devoid of emotions, sort of way.
Julia: Sure, sure, sure. Naturally.
Brandon: He just takes out a stock of wheat and lights it and is like, "Oh."
Eric: Yeah. And he bra— and he falls over and braces himself with his forearms.
Julia (as Cammie): Okay.
Eric: Thanks, Cammie. Thank you.
Julia: And Cammie goes—
Julia (as Cammie): Eh.
Eric: Eh. Thanks.
Amanda (as Troy): Thank you, Archie.
Eric (as Archimedes): Go. Go, save yourselves, protect yourselves in the cave.
Brandon (as Umbi): Okay.
Brandon: If the rest of us use our actions to escape, let's escape, and we can drag Archie with us.
Julia: But I have a good idea.
Amanda: Do tell.
Brandon: I'm listening.
Eric: As you step into the cave and your eyes adjust to the darkness inside, you were once again seeing the clutches of tortango eggs, but one is hatching right— and one is hatching right in front of you. The miracle of life.
Brandon (as Umbi): The circle of life.
Julia: Cammie starts weeping.
Eric: As it's being tended to by its giant mother. You haven't seen its full bulk before, but it is— its back, its spiked mango shell, is pushing up against the boundaries of this cave. It is like scraping the top, and it is licking, and nuzzling its newly born child. Again, the chil— the tortango baby, even just born, is larger than a corgi.
Julia: Uh-hmm.
Amanda: Uh-hmm. Uh-hmm.
Eric: It is about— I think we said it was Moo Deng-sized.
Julia: Moo Deng- sized, perfectly formed.
Eric: Moo Deng sized as it— as it just— as it bursts forth with a little bit of— of eggshell still stuck to it.
Julia: Cammie is going to look at this giant beast and is going to say—
Julia (as Cammie): Congratulations on the birth of a new child.
Julia: And is going to cast a fifth level spell.
Eric: Okay. Hell yeah.
Julia: I would like to cast dominate beast.
Brandon: Oh, no.
Julia: Which I don't love the wording of dominate. It's more like charm beast.
Eric: Suggest.
Amanda: Persuade.
Julia: You attempt to beguile a beast that you can see within range. It must make a wisdom saving throw or be charmed by you for the duration. While the beast is charmed, you have a telepathic link with it, as long as you two are in the same plane of existence. You can use this telepathic link to issue commands to the creature while you are conscious. No action is required, which it does its best to obey.
Eric: Sure.
Julia: You can specify a simple or general course of action, such as, "Attack that creature, run over there, or fetch that object."
Amanda: Cute.
Julia: If the creature completes the order and doesn't receive further direction from you, it defends and preserves itself to the best of its ability.
Amanda: Wow.
Eric: Hmm. Okay. And as a reminder, if you fail this—
Julia: Uh-hmm.
Eric: Or if I beat this, it's gonna know you did this to it.
Julia: Yes. Yes.
Eric: Okay, so I'm doing a save?
Julia: Yes. There's also— I don't know if you will allow this to be a thing, can I make some sort of animal handling check to show that I am a very trustworthy person?
Eric: Dawg, you could have done one or the other.
Julia: Hmm.
Eric: I don't think— you don't get to do both. You either animal handle or you dominate. Those are the two choices.
Julia: Maybe I'll animal handle because this is kind of like Troy's survival checks that he never gets to use, but I get a plus 8 to animal handling.
Eric: Yeah. I don't think you— I think—
Julia: Oh, then I won't use the spell.
Eric: Yeah, don't use the spell.
Brandon: No, wait, wait, wait.
Julia: What?
Brandon: Animal handling does not allow you to direct a monster.
Eric: That's what I'm saying.
Julia: No.
Amanda: They've very different, yeah.
Eric: They're different things here, but you don't get to do both. You can either try to make friends with it, or you can dominate it and tell it what to do.
Amanda: Julia, I really like the idea of a telepathic link, because then it can report back as to what's happening.
Julia: Okay. All right.
Brandon: It can go smash our enemies—
Amanda: Yeah, exactly.
Brandon: —is what I'm thinking.
Amanda: Yeah.
Julia: All right, I'm a little nervous, but it's fine. We'll do it.
Amanda: It's a real— listen, if we have to flee this monster, that's okay.
Eric: I also want to remind you that you can always use your frog if you need to.
Brandon: Frog.
Eric: Single use.
Julia: Okay. But the frog also requires a DC 13 con check, which I think this thing probably has really good con.
Amanda: As a mama?
Julia: As a mama, and also as a giant, spiky creature.
Amanda: Yeah.
Eric: All right. So what am I looking for?
Julia: 16.
Eric: I don't think this thing's very wise. I'm gonna give it plus 1 here.
Amanda: Okay. So Eric has to roll—
Julia: A 15 or higher.
Eric: [dice roll] That's a 13, folks.
Brandon: Yesssss!!!
Julia: Woo!
Amanda: Fucking go. Let's fucking go.
Julia: Cammie looks at this giant, magnificent creature, and her eyes glow a steamy golden hour, and she looks at it and says—
Julia (as Cammie): You must be so proud to be such an amazing mama.
Eric (as Mother Tortango): You know I am.
Julia: Oh, no.
Brandon: Fuck off.
Eric (as Mother Tortango): You know, I really— you know I am. I think that this one— you know, don't tell my other children, but I think that this one, this is a smart one. It's gonna be a lawyer.
Julia (as Cammie): Wow.
Eric (as Mother Tortango): Or maybe even another tortango mama. It's gonna be— I— don't tell my other children. I love them all equally. Don't tell them. Don't tell them.
Julia (as Cammie): I think there should be more tortango mothers in the world.
Eric (as Mother Tortango): I wish. It's a tortango eat tortango world out there.
Julia (as Cammie): Yeah.
Eric (as Mother Tortango): It's just like— it's— everyone is just— everyone's at each other's throats, really, actually.
Julia (as Cammie): It's not that they're—
Eric (as Mother Tortango):That's how you do the killing blow. just cut off the head.
Julia (as Cammie): Uh-hmm. I'm Cammie.
Eric (as Mother Tortango): You go— with your jaws, you go snap.
Julia (as Cammie): I'm Cammie. Do you have a name?
Eric (as Mother Tortango): Oh, you know, all the kids just call me mom.
Julia (as Cammie): Okay. I'll call you mom too, if that's okay.
Eric (as Mother Tortango): You can call me mom. That's okay.
Julia (as Cammie): Amazing. So a bunch of people are trying to hurt us, and I think also your babies. Can you help protect us while we try to go away?
Eric (as Mother Tortango): Oh, they're gonna hurt my baby— oh, are they the one taking all the wa— taking all the fresh water?
Julia (as Cammie): Yes. They are.
Eric (as Mother Tortango): Oh, that's just a rude thing to do.
Julia (as Cammie): Yeah.
Eric (as Mother Tortango): We gotta share all of it
Julia (as Cammie): Yeah. We should kill them.
Eric (as Mother Tortango): It's not like— I can't go out to Costco and go get it.
Julia (as Cammie): No. I don't even know what that is.
Brandon (as Umbi): It's so expensive now.
Eric (as Mother Tortango): It's expensive. I drove Costco 20 years ago, and the price has doubled for just— for the membership alone.
Julia (as Cammie): But the hotdogs still the same price.
Eric (as Mother Tortango): The hot dogs, same price. That guy.
Julia (as Cammie): You can feed a lot of tortango babies with hotdogs.
Eric (as Mother Tortango): How do you think I feed all of them when we go out to see Costco? How do you think?
Julia (as Cammie): Yeah.
Eric (as Mother Tortango): Chicken bakes all around. Okay. So—
Brandon (as Umbi): Cammie, what the fuck are you saying?
Eric (as Mother Tortango): [growls]
Julia: Cammie goes—
Julia (as Cammie): The tortango is our friend now.
Amanda (as Troy): Hi.
Brandon (as Umbi): Hi.
Eric: The tortango mother has the same glowing golden hour eyes that Cammie does.
Amanda: Uh-hmm.
Julia (as Cammie): This is Troy. This is Umbi. This is Key with a Gaze. This is Archimedes. They're all cool. Anyone else you can kill.
Eric (as Mother Tortango): Okay, good to know.
Julia (as Cammie): Uh-hmm.
Eric (as Mother Tortango): You know, if you just give me the information, I'll know what to do with it. I'll— yeah, I'm smart. I went to City Community College before I was a mother.
Julia (as Cammie): That's amazing.
Eric (as Mother Tortango): People don't know that.
Julia (as Cammie): Yeah.
Eric (as Mother Tortango): I have a degree in marketing.
Julia (as Cammie): I love that for you. Amazing.
Eric (as Mother Tortango): Communications and marketing.
Brandon: Dual degree?
Julia (as Cammie): Well, there's a bunch of guys with net guns that are currently trying to catch us.
Eric (as Mother Tortango): Hmm.
Julia (as Cammie): Would you mind helping us get past them?
Eric (as Mother Tortango): Yeah. Oh, yeah. I can take care of it.
Julia (as Cammie): Can we, like, climb onto your cool back?
Eric (as Mother Tortango): Hmm, honestly, I— this— and this is not just a rule for me.
Julia (as Cammie): Uh-hmm.
Eric (as Mother Tortango): It's a rule for my children. It's a rule for everyone else. You have to have boundaries—
Julia (as Cammie): Yeah. That's fair.
Eric (as Mother Tortango): —when you're a mother, honestly. And it's dangerous. It's gross up there.
Julia (as Cammie): Okay.
Eric (as Mother Tortango): It's been a minute since I've got my shell did.
Brandon: I'm sorry.
Eric (as Mother Tortango): So, no, I don't think it's enough time.
Brandon: Should we look at the text that says, "Do— does its best, do what Cammie says."?
Amanda: You know, it's— it'll have a backup. It's very funny to say I haven't had my shell did in a minute.
Brandon: Okay, okay, okay.
Eric: Brandon, you're gonna take out my joke of saying, "I just— I haven't had my shell did in a while."?
Brandon: No, I would never take that out.
Eric: Do you do— you would that to me?
Amanda: She can clear path for us, though.
Eric (as Mother Tortango): It's like— oh, see, I don't get the chance to explain it, but it's— I— tortangos have a natural excretion of acid on there, so no one can ride.
Julia (as Cammie): Okay, thank you for the warning. That's really nice.
Eric (as Mother Tortango): You don't get a chance to warn people. They usually learn for the hard way.
Julia (as Cammie): Uh-hmm. Thank you.
Brandon (as Umbi): Cammie, tell her to rip their heads off.
Julia (as Cammie): Yeah. Would you mind clearing a path for us, which may or may not include ripping get their heads off?
Eric (as Mother Tortango): Sure, sure, sure.
Julia (as Cammie): Thank you.
Eric (as Mother Tortango): I'll do my best. You know, I still get these old smikes, these old mango but— these old mango hands still got some little fight in it. Bah, bah, bah, bah.
Julia (as Cammie): I can tell. Oh, my goodness.
Eric (as Mother Tortango): All right. Okay.
Julia (as Cammie): Do you work out?
Eric (as Mother Tortango): I do.
Julia (as Cammie): Wow.
Eric (as Mother Tortango): Not as much as I've had— I haven't had a chance.
Julia (as Cammie): Sometimes you have to do, like, the work at home.
Brandon (as Umbi): Are you flirting now?
Julia (as Cammie): No. Sometimes you have to do the work at home.
Eric (as Mother Tortango): Umbi doesn't understand what's going on here. Cammie is having a conversation.
Brandon: I can tell the body language, watching Cammie, it's like, "Do you work out?"
Julia: No, it's more like, you know, "You're so fit for your age. How do you, like, you know, keep it all tight?"
Amanda: A mother? Can't believe it.
Julia: Uh-hmm.
Eric (as Mother Tortango): Oh, it's asserting my dominance of the mother of the tortangos.
Julia (as Cammie):Of course. Makes sense.
Eric (as Mother Tortango): And bar class.
Julia (as Cammie): Oh, wow.
Eric (as Mother Tortango): Yeah.
Amanda: Keeps me young.
Julia (as Cammie): I would've guessed Pilates.
Eric (as Mother Tortango): Nah, I'm not fle— I'm not one of the— I'm not flexible. It's— you got to know what you're good at and what you're not. That's fine.
Julia (as Cammie): Uh-hmm.
Eric (as Mother Tortango): All right, I'm talking too much. I need to go.
Eric: Oomph!
Julia (as Cammie): Never.
Eric: Poof! The tortango burst through the side of the cave. "Aaahhh!" As it charges down Mango Crossing.
Julia: This tortango is my new favorite NPC.
Amanda: Do you relay your conversation to us?
Julia (as Cammie): Oh, she's gonna help us now.
Brandon (as Umbi): Oh, thank God. I thought she was gonna eat us.
Julia (as Cammie): Uh-hmm.
Amanda (as Troy): You know, I don't have a lot of role models for parents, and that's a really good one.
Julia (as Cammie): Uh-hmm. Uh-hmm.
Eric: Fuck.
Amanda: So can the rest of us, Archie included, escape? Because that's four.
Eric: So Archimedes right now also has the can’t escape tag upon him with— because of the nets.
Julia: Oh, yeah. Got it. Someone has to help him out.
Eric: So you got to help him out. And then you only need one more point.
Brandon: Yeah. I mean, Umbi's gonna rush over to Archie and say—
Brandon (as Umbi): What are mentors for?
Brandon: And then try to— I have a dagger, surprisingly. I do.
Eric: Yeah, you can just cut him free. That's fine.
Brandon: And cut them free. Yeah.
Julia: Shockingly, I have a dagger.
Brandon: I do. It's one of my weapons.
Eric: Yeah, you can just cut him free. That's fine.
Brandon: Yeah.
Amanda: But now, Brandon, you don't auto crit on a 19—
Brandon: No.
Amanda: —if it's with the dagger. Just so you know.
Brandon: I don't.
Julia: So you know.
Eric (as Archimedes): Umbi, I will never forget your tutelage, and your harsh truths, and your even harsher lies.
Brandon (as Umbi): I taught you how to lie. It's very important.
Eric (as Archimedes): I can't do it, but I appreciate that you tried to teach me.
Brandon (as Umbi): One day, you'll learn.
Eric: And he kisses you on the forehead.
Julia: Ooh.
Brandon (as Umbi): Gross.
Eric: Great. All right. Who still has an action left?
Amanda: The Key and me, with my favorite YA novel from the early 2000s.
Julia: I was gonna say, that's one of my favorite musicals.
Amanda: Yeah. I think Troy will keep rolling survival just to keep an eye on the skies as the Key helps us escape, if that works for them. They can lead as I check behind us for more threats.
Eric: Sure, the key— yeah, the key will use its point for escape. That brings you up to four. Troy, just give me a perception check here, if you're just— if you're looking around.
Amanda: Ooh, 17 plus 1.
Eric: As they've snuffed out all of the lights around you a little while ago, you can still see on the rocky outcropping outside of the cave, there is movement, and the quick skittering of little feet.
Amanda (as Troy): Don't follow me if you're not gonna help me.
Eric (as Di): Don't tell me what to do if you're not gonna [mumbles] shut up.
Amanda (as Troy): Oh, yeah. No, don't poke myself in the eye. Ow.
Eric (as Di): [mumbles]
Julia (as Cammie): Hey, Troy, what's going on over there?
Amanda (as Troy): Somebody is here who might be able to help our way, but isn't.
Julia (as Cammie): Kind of rude.
Amanda (as Troy): Kind of rude. I don't know. You can show all my friends how cool you are by killing all the enemies. I don't know.
Eric: [roars] Smash, smash, smash, smash, smash, smash, smash.
Julia (as Cammie): I think we have that handled.
Amanda (as Troy): Then by, I don't know, disabling their ship so they can't get out of here. I don't know. I don't know.
Eric (as Di): I don't know, know, know.
Eric: As it echoes in the cave. All right, stage three complete.
Brandon: Wee!
Julia: [video game success music]
Eric: We're now into stage four, and in my notes, I have written down that this is the camp, this is the main camp area.
Julia: It's not anymore, bitch.
Eric: And in my head, as I described it before, you know, triple A single player RPG for the PlayStation 5. You know, like so many polygons rendering period specific war camps, the gleam of swords, just so many NPCs program to do their one action that would be exa— based on like, "Oh, we went into the archives of the Civil War and saw how these types of things that we plotted it to our fantasy world, because that made sense." But instead, what we have here with your dynamic choices, just— the tortango mother has destroyed everything.
Brandon: Wee.
Julia: Yeah.
Eric: And is currently destroying anything she hasn't destroyed before, tearing through tents. So I think they've probably built watchtowers at some point, just like knocking them over and— the wood and stone splintering everywhere. The orange lights have been strung up everywhere, and she is pulling them down. I think some of them must have been like actual lanterns, so like some things lit on fire, some things are sparking with electrical fires over there. Everyone is just running around. If you would like to escape, you only need two points to escape this section.
Brandon: Umbi escapes.
Eric: Umbi escapes.
Amanda: Troy escapes.
Julia: Cammie is all— well, it doesn't matter what Cammie does, but Cammie is gonna say—
Julia (as Cammie): You're doing a great job. When you're done here, can you try destroying
their ships as well?
Eric (as Mother Tortango): Oh, I'll make my way over there. You know, the job isn't done unless you do it 100%, so what should I fi-- I have to apply myself and then— and if I have enough cognitive load after dealing with this, I'll be able to go— I've been listening to a happiness podcast.
Julia (as Cammie): Wow.
Eric (as Mother Tortango): It's really great. I'll send it to you.
Julia (as Cammie): Amazing. I would love to hear it.
Eric (as Mother Tortango): It's about mindfulness.
Brandon: A pea podcast.
Eric (as Mother Tortango): It's a pea podcast.
Eric: Just rears, rears, back, stomps, more fire explodes everywhere.
Julia (as Cammie): Great. Just, you know, if you want, follow us, when we leave this area.
Eric (as Mother Tortango): I'll go as far as I can. You know I can't leave my babies unattended. I don't have a sitter or anything.
Julia (as Cammie): I completely understand.
Julia: I can also use my action to take total and precise control of the target at some point if I want to. Just a heads up for DM Eric.
Amanda: Nice.
Eric: I mean, that's fine. I'm just— I mean, this is one that you might find obvious, but maybe the mother tortango doesn't like leaving her babies.
Julia: That's totally fair. I understand.
Eric: Justice— so a piece of information I gave to you in world.
Julia: Uh-hmm. Uh-hmm.
Eric: Who would say? Who can say?
Julia: Right. I don't want her to be mad at me.
Amanda: No. You want to be best friends.
Julia: Uh-hmm.
Eric: Just more of a thing I wanted to share.
Amanda: In Verda Stello, a podcast is when the 3 peas that share the same pod just argue with each other, close to you.
Brandon: Got it.
Julia: Yeah. That makes sense.
Amanda: And then you overhear them on the bus.
Eric: And some people like to listen to it, but other times you don't like to listen.
Amanda: No.
Julia: Fair.
Eric: incredible. Okay. So Troy's already escaped. Umbi's already escaped. Cammie, is there anything you want to do in this chaos?
Julia: Yeah. Cammie's gonna look around and see if she can find anything useful that she wants to steal, because, again, pirate.
Eric: Sure. Perception check.
Julia: Perception.
Amanda: Maps.
Julia: Yeah.
Amanda: Reviews.
Julia: 13 plus 3 for a 16.
Eric: Let me ask you a question, do you want a thing or do you want a person?
Julia: Oh.
Eric: Do you want to find a thing or do you want to see a person?
Julia: I want to see a person.
Eric: Someone stands out amongst all of these goons and soldiers.
Julia: Oh, word?
Eric: They are running away, holding a bundle of sticks that's bound up. And there's a cloak, a cloak around them. And as they are jumping out of the way of the tortango mother, who is stomping and fire kind of explodes around them. The hood of their cloak flies back, and you see the unmistakable, strong smelling, and eternally green face of Piney, the wizard.
Julia: Fucking Piney.
Brandon: Classic.
Julia: Fucking son of a bitch. That means Tessie the storm is working for the Diamond Knot.
Amanda: Uh-hmm.
Eric: Piney doesn't see you because Piney is making a break for it. And Piney is like Fortnite building with the sticks that they're holding, their Fortnite building like platforms to jump on to get out of the way.
Brandon: Honestly, pretty cool magician. We should be friends with Piney.
Eric: Piney's sick. I love Piney.
Amanda: We tried so hard.
Eric: Piney is so sick.
Julia: We tried so hard to be their friend. They were not into it.
Eric: So they don't see you because they're making an escape.
Julia: Do I want to fuck Piney up?
Eric: If you want to fuck Piney up, the Key with a Gaze can always give you— can give you an action point.
Julia: I would like to go to there. Do I want to kill Piney? Is my question, before I cast any spells on Piney. Am I pissed about it that much?
Eric: What would Cammie do?
Julia: I don’t know.
Eric: I don't know if Cammie would hold such vengeance in her heart.
Amanda: I don't know if she'd kill.
Julia: There's only one person that I think Cammie would kill.
Amanda: Yeah.
Eric: Actually, you know what? I'm gonna say you only get one action to look around.
Julia: I only get to see. All right.
Eric: You only get to see.
Julia: That's fine.
Eric: The Key with a Gaze is over it, and is also going to use its action to escape. So now that—
Brandon: Wee.
Eric: —you have even more points, you're kind of— it's even more so than you can get around expeditiously. But with the fire and the monster thrashing goons and buildings behind, you see all four of you are running away in the opposite direction, but Archimedes is not coming with you.
Julia (as Cammie): Archie.
Amanda (as Troy): Archie, come on.
Julia (as Cammie): Archie, come on.
Brandon (as Umbi): Archie, where you going, bud?
Eric (as Archimedes): This is the moment where our paths diverge. I assume I'll see you in the future when I become the builder and I'll remember the things you've done for me. Umbi, with your hard truths, incredibly hard truths, like bricks upon my face.
Brandon (as Umbi): That's how you learn.
Eric (as Archimedes): Troy, you are a living example of going after what you love and what you believe.
Amanda (as Troy): Thank you.
Eric (as Archimedes): I'm sorry, this is the time that I reveal that, Cammie, I knew your name the entire time, and I was psyching you out because you're too powerful.
Julia (as Cammie): Archie, you realize that I could kill you with a single thought, right?
Eric (as Archimedes): I understand, and that's why—
Julia (as Cammie): Yeah.
Eric (as Archimedes): —I panicked and did this stratagem that I read in a book.
Julia (as Cammie): Weird strategy. I'm not gonna lie to you. Weird strategy.
Eric (as Archimedes): It was a very old book.
Eric: And he takes it out, and it's like falling apart. It's like 600 years old.
Julia (as Cammie): Yeah.
Eric (as Archimedes): I found it in the larder when I was escaping.
Brandon: It says, "Ye Old Radish Radish's Field Guide to Poisonous and Not Poisonous Flowers, Fried Chicken Soup for the Greenfolk Soul and 1,001 Dirty Jokes.
Amanda: And making friends and influencing people.
Julia: Yeah. Cammie walks up to him, gently places a hand on his cheek. She— actually, she has to go—
Julia (as Cammie): Lean down for a second.
Eric (as Archimedes): Okay.
Julia: Cammie gently puts his— her hand on his cheek and says—
Julia (as Cammie): If you cross me again, I will kill you. Don't do that shit. I makes me feel bad.
Eric (as Archimedes): I understand, and I will remember this when I'm when I'm leading Hothouse into the future.
Julia (as Cammie): I will curse you to death.
Eric (as Archimedes): Oh.
Julia (as Cammie): You will turn to dust in my wake.
Eric (as Archimedes): I assume so. Yes.
Julia (as Cammie): Yeah.
Eric (as Archimedes): That makes sense.
Julia (as Cammie): Uh-hmm.
Eric (as Archimedes): That's resolved.
Julia (as Cammie): Don't do that shit. It made me feel really bad about myself.
Eric (as Archimedes): And Key with a Gaze, I can never thank you for the experience you've given me and what you've shown me.
Eric (as Key with a Gaze): I— I'm not one for bushy goodbyes or goodbyes at all. We'll see each other on the sea.
Eric (as Archimedes): Of course, we will.
Eric: They clasp each other tightly, and Archimedes—
Amanda: Troy hanging off the back of the Key.
Julia: Forgot you're still tied.
Eric: And Archimedes runs directly into the fray of the tortango mother's destruction. And just kind of like—
Julia (as Cammie): Mama, remember not to hurt him.
Eric: And just like ducks under her tail.
Brandon: Yeah.
Eric: And just like with fire billowing around him.
Julia: Amazing.
Amanda: Nice.
Eric: Honestly, folks, you kind of beat the whole Mango Crossing puzzle. Stage four complete. Stage five complete. As all of the tortango babies are going towards their mother, kind of—
Brandon: Yay.
Julia: Mama, mama, mama, mama.
Eric: —clearing the beach. And Harold and Sil pull the Sea Whip up as you smash through the shallows to get to the ship. [dice roll]
Brandon: Are you rolling to see if we slip?
Julia: Please don't roll.
Amanda: We're going to see how cool we look as we leave.
Julia: Hey, please don't roll.
Eric: Troy, you have a feeling someone's running behind you. I want you to make a dexterity check, and you have to beat a 16.
Amanda: Plus one to dex.
Brandon: That's not good.
Amanda: It's a 3.
Julia: Yeah, of course, it is.
Amanda: Plus 1 for a 4.
Julia: Of course, it is.
Eric: You're splashing through the shallows with the Key with a Gaze on your back.
Julia: Oh, no.
Eric: Harold and Sil are saying—
Eric (as Harold and Sil): Come on, come on, come on. Let's go.
Eric: And you hear, slicing through the air, almost with a whistle, and then the thump of a dagger, much like the thump of the friendship rope slamming into the tree earlier. The camera turns around and follows Troy's back as the Key with a Gaze closes its eyes and feels for the last time, pain, but also relief, as the Dilly dagger drains the life force from this key, thrown by the cowardly assassin, DiAnnalyse Breakstone.
[theme]