The crew escaped Mango Crossing, but at a deep cost. What other currency do they have to reverse what they’ve lost? What else will they spend to get where they want to go fast?
Wrap me up in me oilskin and juniper / No more on the docks I'll be seen / Just tell me old shipmates, I'm taking a trip mates / And I'll see you someday at the Waterin’ Green
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Cast & Crew
- Game Master, Co-Producer: Eric Silver
- Co-Host (Umbi), Co-Producer, Sound Designer, Composer: Brandon Grugle
- Co-Host (Chamomile Cassis), Co-Producer: Julia Schifini
- Co-Host (Troy Riptide), Co-Producer: Amanda McLoughlin
- Theme Song: Lyrics by Eric Silver, music by Brandon Grugle. Vocals by Brandon Grugle, Lauren Shippen, Julia Schifini, Roux Bedrosian, Eric Silver, Tyler Silver, and Amanda McLoughlin. Available for purchase here.
- Artwork: Allyson Wakeman
- Multitude Podcasts: https://multitude.productions
About Us
Join the Party is an actual play podcast with tangible worlds, genre-pushing storytelling, and collaborators who make each other laugh each week. We welcome everyone to the table, from longtime players to folks who’ve never touched a roleplaying game before. Hop into our current campaign, a pirate story set in a world of plant- and bug-folk, or marathon our completed stories with the Camp-Paign, a MOTW game set in a weird summer camp, Campaign 2 for a modern superhero game, and Campaign 1 for a high fantasy story. And once a month we release the Afterparty, where we answer your questions about the show and how we play the game. New episodes every Tuesday.
Transcript
Eric: I remember a time before the Cascade dried up. Here in Verda Stello, the four nations of plant and bug people flourished and thrived. But the great waterfall that fed the land slowed to a trickle, revealing a vast Salt Sea and unknown islands. The only guide were the words of the 13 Dried Carvings. "The water will slow to fall, but the tides are turning. Find the Infinite Lake to replenish the world and discover the Salmon who will grant you a wish of whatever you desire." This marks the beginning of the Tide, as many Greenfolk hauled onto ships to find the Infinite Lake and maybe riches, adventure, excitement, and purpose along the way. And what exactly is a salmon? Is that a berry? That was 50 years ago, and the Tide rushes forward ever still. There are many stories caught on the wind between sails, but why don't we hear just one? Of a butterfly gunman with clipped wings, a ripened and explosive piece of produce, and a witch made out of tea. This is Join the Party Campaign 3, The Rising Tide!
[theme]
Amanda: Last time on Join the Party.
Eric: We are escaping Mango Crossing whether it's the last thing we do. It's the crew, it's the Key with a Gaze, and Archimedes. On the way out, they pursue the homunculi that look like our friends and are really scary. Troy is also harassed by his little sister with a terrible weapon, DiAnnalyse. But luckily, Cammie can, quote-unquote, convince the mama tortango to help her out, and I really like doing that voice. That was really good. Archimedes struggles with his prime directive and decides that he's going to head home to Hothouse to finally become the builder that he said he was going to be. Everything seems fine on the way out, since the mama tortango is kind of destroying everything in a real action movie sort of way. But at the last moment, Troy is unable to protect the Key with a Gaze, and the coward assassin, DiAnnalyse of the House of Breakstone throws the Dilly dagger at the Key and pulls its soul away from its metal body. We don't have time for a moment of silence. We need to get out of here. Let's get the party started.
Amanda: See, that would be a very good content.
Eric: And then I just got coffee all over myself. Fuck me.
Amanda: Alright, guys, so while our DM is out of the room, how can we sort of conspire to, like, take back some of the power that has been taken from us?
Brandon: We could throw him a surprise birthday party.
Julia: That's always the answer.
Amanda: That'd be really good.
Julia: I don't know if that's gonna work in the moment of starting this episode. I don't think we can throw the Key with a Gaze a birthday party after he just died.
Brandon: Surprise. We got you a— oh.
Julia: Oh.
Brandon: You're dead.
Amanda: Wait, can we sort of, like, do a mass labor action and, like, withhold our jokes?
Brandon: Oh, we could, yeah. That's a good idea. No gods, no kings, no jokes.
Amanda: Then we could be like, "This is no time for jokes. We're gonna make our content really bad because of our somber mood on account of losing our compatriot."
Brandon: Hmm.
Julia: Hmm.
Brandon: I think that's smart.
Amanda: Okay. Let's try that. Let's try that.
Brandon: Okay.
Eric: Pretty peeved. Goddamn it. I blame Jerry Seinfeld.
Brandon: I also do.
Julia: Yes.
Eric: I also blame Jerry Seinfeld.
Amanda: That is a topical reference.
Eric: No, that was the impression Brandon did that got my coffee all over me.
Brandon: That is indeed the truth.
Amanda: That is—
Julia: Excellent goof, Brandon.
Amanda: —a humorous callback.
Eric: What's happening? Did you guys discuss doing something while I was gone?
Julia: You guys gotta keep it to fucking together. Goddamn it.
Eric: What—
Julia: You immediately broke.
Amanda: We're withholding our humor in protest of the death of the Key with a Gaze.
Julia: We're withholding jokes from you, sir, until the Key is returned to us.
Amanda: It's a collective labor action, and it's no laughing matter. Players, unite. Players, take back your power.
Eric: So no jokes from my players?
Amanda: Ruin your fun—
Julia: No jokes.
Amanda: Ruin your fun to take back your power.
Julia: No jokes until the Key is revived. No jokes.
Eric: All right. Well, it's gonna be a really boring campaign, huh?
Julia: Yeah.
Brandon: That was the opening of the episode.
Julia: There we go.
Eric: I agree, that is the opening of the episode, because as the dawn breaks on the deck of the Sea Whip, all of you are standing on the deck, and your crew mates, Havana, Sil and Harold, and Gloria are standing around, looking at what used to be the Key with a Gaze that is now just a key, the same size as it's been, you know, big, heavy, two feet long, still with its pirate hat and peg legs and a hole where the eye would be. But now, there's no longer a spirit inside of the key anymore. Signified by the fact that the Dilly dagger, the Haricut Verte is kind of just dangling in that spot where the cowardly assassin, DiAnnalyse threw it at the Key.
Brandon: Is this sort of like a puppet now? Just like legs dangling, you know?
Julia: Yeah, like a dead body, Brandon.
Amanda: Or is it like a turn to stone situation?
Julia: Like a dead body, Amanda, after rigor mortis.
Eric: I think it's more— I mean, I agree with Julia. I think it's the way that—
Brandon: Okay, okay.
Eric: —something— that it's the same, but without animation, without a spirit anymore. It's— you know, now you're just like— you're just body wearing clothes. It's like— it's weird that this body's wearing clothes, but when you were a person, you were wearing clothes. Like, it's just weird how you go from something that's alive to something that's not.
Julia: (as Cammie): Okay. So Havana, do a doctor thing, bring him back.
Brandon (as Umbi): Yeah, can't you do that thing where you, like, throw the thing in his heart, and then he goes— [gasps]
Eric (as Havana): This is outside of my expertise. I'm sorry. I can't do anything for—
Brandon (as Umbi): Keys?
Eric (as Havana): Key. I can't keep it together, guys, I can't.
Julia: (as Cammie): Havana.
Amanda (as Troy): I'm so glad I'm not only who is sad.
Eric (as Havana): I mean, I was eager to do this and now I'm not eager to do it anymore. I just want to be a doctor.
Brandon (as Umbi): Yeah, I know. Why are you here if you can't fucking doctor? What are we doing?
Julia (as Cammie): Umbi—
Eric (as Havana): Hey, don't yell at me. I'm the doctor.
Eric: And he slaps Umbi.
Brandon (as Umbi): Oh! I deserve that.
Amanda (as Troy): Cammie, is there any magic you could do?
Julia: (as Cammie): I mean, maybe. I don't— nothing's coming to mind that is a thing that I've done before, so—
Brandon (as Umbi): Oh, I know one thing we could do with your magic. We could kill your sister.
Amanda (as Troy): I'm so sorry. I feel like I brought her into our lives, and she's only coming after us because I'm here, and I don't know how she got onto the ship, and I just— I can't believe we lost the key.
Julia: (as Cammie): Okay. First off, Troy, not your fault, the way other people decide to act and react around you.
Eric (as Havana): You can't control other people's actions. That's the first thing you learn in therapy.
Amanda (as Troy): But I tried to move and I couldn't move fast enough.
Brandon (as Umbi): Wait, Gloria, you know how to do metal things. Could you do it?
Amanda (as Troy): Gloria, could you put its spirit back?
Eric (as Gloria): Folks, I— I've been around this enough times. Let's— I think it is what it is. I think— why don't we all go around and say something that we liked about the Key with a Gaze?
Brandon (as Umbi): I liked it when he was alive.
Amanda (as Troy): All the things—
Eric (as Gloria): All right. Hey—
Eric: And Gloria slaps Umbi. Harder and faster than Havana Tropicana. Just want to note.
Brandon: Ooh.
Ericc And it with just, like, her full glow worm tail.
Brandon: Is she flirty? Says the audience.
Amanda: We love it, enemies to lovers.
Julia: I think Cammie is gonna be like—
Julia: (as Cammie): I need a minute.
Julia: And it's gonna like, I think, go to her cabin, I guess.
Eric (as Gloria): We can do this later. A pirate funeral could be done before the sun comes up again, whenever that is, and the sun's coming up now, we'll do it at the ne— any time before the next one.
Amanda (as Troy): I think the Key would want us to make sure that we finish the mission.
Brandon (as Umbi): We gotta shove his body into a key hole.
Amanda (as Troy): I don't want to think about that part yet, but yeah.
Julia (as Cammie): I don't even know if that'll work now.
Brandon (as Umbi): I mean, the other keys aren't alive, so maybe.
Julia (as Cammie): I mean, one of them literally grows like a Greenfolk.
Brandon (as Umbi): True. What about the cloud key?
Julia (as Cammie): I don't— I haven't seen the cloud key close enough to know what its whole deal is.
Brandon (as Umbi):True.
Eric: Havana—
Julia: So snotty.
Eric: —snorts and then says—
Eric (as Havana): I learned at medical school that clouds are super heavy in science class.
Julia (as Cammie): That simply can't be right.
Brandon (as Umbi): They taught you that at Medical College? Was this the college for boys?
Eric (as Havana): I had to— we had to do serve— regular serve— we had to do regular survey science classes. It doesn't have weight, but it has mass.
Julia (as Cammie): Okay.
Brandon (as Umbi): Okay. Maybe you should go back to your cabin, too.
Eric (as Havana): All right. I'm gonna lay down.
Amanda (as Troy): I'm going to make sure that the Key is comfortable in the cabin. Maybe it'll have some company with the ghost.
Brandon (as Umbi): Oh, yeah.
Amanda (as Troy): Troy's gonna gather the Key up in his arms and start carrying it down to the captain's quarters.
Brandon (as Umbi): Maybe the ghost, the captain ghost and the Key will have, like, a good time, like sword fighting, you know?
Amanda (as Troy): Yeah.
Brandon (as Umbi): That's nice to think about.
Amanda: And I think just before Troy picks the Key up, he'll draw the dagger out of his body, and holster it in place of the dagger Troy used to wear at his ankle.
Eric: Sounds good.
Julia: Damn. Damn, dude.
Eric: I like the image of you walking down to the captain's quarters and laying it on the on the big captain's desk. You keep open a spot for the Key in the sky, the Key for a Maze, the Key that still hurts, and now, for the first time in a very, very long time, the Key with a Gaze laid alongside its family.
Amanda: Troy's gonna make sure it's wrapped securely, the dagger is out clean, and just kind of brush away any salty sea air dust left on the Key. And I think just standing there, he's gonna pull out the glasses and see if there's anything in terms of an inscription on the Dilly dagger itself, on the blade, on the hilt, or on the Key with a Gaze—
Brandon: Smart.
Amanda: —that he can possibly read.
Brandon: Smart.
Eric: Hmm. That's interesting. I didn't think of that.
Brandon: You, like, hop inside the Key's brain.
Eric: Yeah. Amanda, why don't you give me a D 20 roll?
Amanda: One.
Julia: Nice.
Brandon: Amanda.
Eric: Interesting.
Brandon: Amanda.
Julia: That is a Nat.
Eric: Oh, boy.
Amanda: Now, Eric, if you wanted to institute a game where, if two of the three of us players roll the same thing on a Nat 20, we'll win a prize, I choose Brandon.
Brandon: Now, Eric, I do support this idea.
Eric: I'll say, yeah, I'll send you a Subway gift card if you beat me.
Brandon: Ooh.
Eric: All right, Brandon. Roll a D 20 see if you get a one.
Brandon: If I hit a one, I swear to God, this would be amazing.
Amanda: Umbi's immortal.
Julia: We all know that's not true.
Brandon: Come on, come on. Come on, come on, come on. I need that five— that 6$, 7$ foot long, whatever it is now. [dice roll] Eric, I got two ones.
Eric: Oh, an 11.
Julia: An 11.
Brandon: I got an 11.
Amanda: Hey.
Eric: That's almost the same. That's almost the same.
Brandon: Yeah.
Julia: Pretty far off, I would say.
Brandon: Really? Really, Julia?
Julia: Yeah, yeah.
Brandon: I was gonna share some chips with you, baby.
Julia: No, I don't eat them. I don't eat Subway, baby.
Amanda: You don't want baked Lays in a vague hexagon shape?
Julia: Nah, bitch, I don't eat fresh.
Brandon: I only eat rotten.
Julia: It's true.
Eric: Yeah, there's no inscription on the Dilly dagger. Again, you only know the name of the Dilly dagger because Di said it. So it's like everything you know about this thing is only because Di taunted you with it.
Amanda: Hmm.
Eric: It seems kind of inscrutable, honestly. Like, the— how did they make a string bean into a dagger? Why does it have the magical properties that it has? Where did it come from? Who made it? It seems almost impossible to figure out by how seamless this thing is.
Amanda: Hmm.
Eric: There's no inscription, there's no working marks on it, there's no seams. This isn't like a piece of metalwork. It just is. It is one piece of string bean that will suck your life away.
Julia: Seems cool, and good.
Amanda: Troy's gonna cut off a little bit of the shroud that is around the Key with a Gaze, wrap the dagger's blade in it, and tuck it back in this holster, and then, I think, just sit in the floor for a little bit and cry.
Eric: Hmm.
Brandon: Now, when Troy cries by himself—
Amanda: Hmm.
Brandon: —alone in his cabin or another cabin. Is it— in his head, quiet but exceptionally loud?
Amanda: I think he's not thinking about how he comes across, and it's just like quiet, and sustained, and real.
Brandon: Okay. So no jokes, jokes--
Amanda: No jokes.
Julia: No jokes.
Amanda: No, not on this one.
Julia: Not until Eric gives us the key back.
Eric: I heard— I'm on strike—
Julia: Uh-hmm.
Eric: —from jokes, actually.
Julia: Yeah.
Eric: Folks, it's daybreak. You've been awake for a long time. A few of you have already retreated back to your cabins. If y'all want long rest, it's time to sleep.
Brandon (as Umbi): Wee!
Julia: I do want a long rest, but I do want to do something during my long rest.
Eric: Sure. Yeah, why not?
Julia: Cammie is going to go into her cabin, lay on her little hammock, put Nonny on her chest, and say—
Julia (as Cammie): We need to have a talk, a phone call, you know, some sort of interaction. For some reason, you are the connection between us, and that's fine. I love you for that, but I gotta talk to her.
Eric (as Nonny): [phone ringing]
Julia: It's extremely funny.
Brandon: Do you, like, press the little like— I don't know what to call it on an octopus, little barnacles on their legs?
Julia: Suction cups.
Brandon: Yeah, suction cups.
Eric: Yeah. You gotta have Baba Rutabaga on speed dial.
Julia: Yeah.
Eric: So you just, like, poke Nonny in the beak, that's the number one speed dial.
Julia: What's the one that it's— like immediately call back again. It's not star 69, that's call back someone who called you.
Brandon: star 67.
Eric: Hmm.
Julia: Yeah. I definitely star 67 her, you know, just immediately called back.
Eric: The first thing that came to my mind is how often I call my mom, and she is cooking. And because she has bad headphones, or she's put me on speaker, all you hear is clanging mostly.
Julia: Just got off the phone with my mom, Eric, and that's exactly what I heard, too.
Eric: Well, hey, guy— hey, everyone listening.
Amanda: Hey, boomers, we love you.
Eric: Hey, everyone listening, think about calling your mom, and that's what it sounds like.
Julia: Uh-hmm. Uh-hmm.
Amanda: My mom's on a beach, probably, it's very windy.
Julia: Uh-hmm. Uh-hmm.
Eric: Cabinets opening and closing, just water rushing, and it sounds like someone is, like, crinkling aluminum foil loudly in your ear.
Eric (as Baba Rutabaga): Oh, Cammie, I'm in the middle of something. I'm making a stew/potion.
Julia (as Cammie): Oh.
Eric (as Baba Rutabaga): It's gonna be delicious and fortifying, hold on, alright.
Julia (as Cammie): That actually sounds great. Send me the recipe.
Eric (as Baba Rutabaga): Hey, can you open this jar for me? It's stuck.
Julia: (as Cammie): How?
Eric (as Baba Rutabaga): Oh, okay, hold on.
Eric: Nonny opens her beak and just a jar of eyeballs with Baba Rutabaga's hands, just shoves through it.
Julia: Cammie goes—
Julia (as Cammie): Your mouth should not be able to open that big. Oh, my gosh. Okay.
Eric (as Baba Rutabaga): I mean, I hit it against the side of my cabin and it's still not opening.
Julia: (as Cammie): Did you run it under hot water?
Eric (as Baba Rutabaga): No, the tap only goes cold because I only have cold on the tap now.
Julia: Cammie pours boiling hot tea over it and then tries to crack it open.
Eric: Oh, pops open immediately.
Julia: (as Cammie): Okay.
Julia: And then shoves it back through Nonny's mouth.
Eric (as Baba Rutabaga): Oh, you're so strong. Thank you.
Julia (as Cammie): Yeah.
Brandon: The potion stew is a poo.
Eric: Brandon, I'm on strike. I'm on strike.
Julia (as Cammie): This is great. Please send me the recipe. I have very— I— I'm sad.
Eric (as Baba Rutabaga): Oh.
Julia: (as Cammie): And angry.
Eric (as Baba Rutabaga): Oh, it's one of those.
Julia: (as Cammie): Yeah, sad and angry, not at you. Life situations.
Eric (as Baba Rutabaga): Hmm.
Julia (as Cammie): I know that, like my magic— I do have a lot of healing. I can reinvigorate people.
Eric (as Baba Rutabaga): Hmm.
Julia (as Cammie): And that's part of the magic that you gave me.
Eric (as Baba Rutabaga): Hmm.
Julia (as Cammie): Life and death stuff. What's up with that?
Eric (as Baba Rutabaga): Oh, sorry, I dropped my pho— oh, I can't hear you.
Julia (as Cammie): Is it in the stew? Can you hear me now?
Eric (as Baba Rutabaga): Oh, I dropped it in the stew. Hold on. [gurgling noise] You said—
Julia (as Cammie): I said life and death stuff. What's up with that?
Eric (as Baba Rutabaga): Oh, I thought you said heavy breath stuff. Okay. Now, I know. I can talk about that. Okay. You're gonna have to give me some more details, Cammie. I appreciate the emotions that you're having here, but there's only so much I can advise you on if you don't tell me what's going on.
Julia (as Cammie): Right.
Eric (as Baba Rutabaga): And I read the papers, so I kind of— I read the papers because— specifically yours. The team magician, love that. I— it's framed. I have your—
Julia (as Cammie): What do you have—
Eric (as Baba Rutabaga): I got the wanted poster framed in the— framed and it's on my credenza. I got it framed.
Julia (as Cammie): I'm so flattered. So, long story short—
Eric (as Baba Rutabaga): Uh-hmm.
Julia (as Cammie): —magical dagger sucked the life out of my friend who was an animated key. And now I'm trying to figure out if we can bring it back.
Eric (as Baba Rutabaga): That old salty dog finally bit him, huh?
Julia (as Cammie): Oh, yeah, it did mention that you sort of knew each other, and then I was like, "In a sex way?" And then it didn't answer.
Eric (as Baba Rutabaga): So the Key with a Gaze is gone, huh?
Julia (as Cammie): Yeah. I don't need an answer for it. I— I've decided—
Eric (as Baba Rutabaga): And I'm clearly not—
Julia (as Cammie): —I'm better off not knowing.
Eric (as Baba Rutabaga): And I would agree with you on that.
Julia (as Cammie): Uh-hmm.
Eric (as Baba Rutabaga): A— what dagger took the life out of it?
Julia (as Cammie): It was a green bean dagger. I think it's called the Dilly dagger, and that it had a way more Craggish name.
Eric (as Baba Rutabaga): Dilly dagger.
Amanda (as Troy): Oh, shit, that's French, isn't it?
Julia: Because Harry Corvair is French, yeah.
Brandon: Oh, I get it. I get it.
Eric: Hmm. Oh. Oh, I like that. That's good.
Eric (as Baba Rutabaga): Dilly— why was it Dilly? It's a green bean.
Julia (as Cammie): But it was also pickled, I think.
Eric (as Baba Rutabaga): Oh. All right, I gotta close a bunch of cabinets. Hold on.
Eric: Wham, wham, wham, wham,, wham, wham, wham.
Julia: (as Cammie): What are you, my mom at 7:00 am?
Eric (as Baba Rutabaga): Yes. Yes, I am.
Julia (as Cammie): Yeah.
Eric (as Baba Rutabaga): All right.
Julia (as Cammie): You gotta start vacuuming next.
Eric (as Baba Rutabaga): I didn't think there's something I had to cover in our time when I'm giving you the basics.
Julia (as Cammie): You very— you barely gave me basics. I just want to point that out.
Eric (as Baba Rutabaga): I told you the import—
Julia (as Cammie): I figured out a lot of this on my own.
Eric (as Baba Rutabaga): I told you the important stuff. Don't grab something sharp by the sharp end.
Julia (as Cammie): Sure.
Eric (as Baba Rutabaga): Mix your potions up and down, not side to side. That's the big one.
Julia (as Cammie): That one still doesn't make sense to me.
Eric (as Baba Rutabaga): It splashes. All right. Whatever. Okay. Pickling, that's— and I want you to understand for this— for me saying, it's dark stuff, dark stuff. You don't want to mess with that. It's over your head. It's over— it's not worth it, honestly.
If you pickle something, you're messing with things that are outside of your and my realm. There— this is vinegars, liquids, salts, that stuff doesn't work together. It is the balance. You know, we're Greenfolk. We got— we have our— we have this stuff flowing through us, but there are some things that are— that's outside of the realm that you can't deal with. Why the Key with a Gaze existed in the first place, that is only up to the to the Planter's discretion, and I am not playing in the Planter— I am not playing in the Planter's ball field if I can avoid it.
Amanda (as Troy): They're definitely fucked.
Julia (as Cammie): What if we can't avoid it? What if I asked the Planter, "Hey, bring this key back to life."?
Eric (as Baba Rutabaga): Well, the Planter can plant it, but it's not up to the Planter after a little while.
Julia (as Cammie): Who's it up to?
Eric (as Baba Rutabaga): You know—
Julia (as Cammie): The waterer—
Eric (as Baba Rutabaga): I don't know for sure.
Julia (as Cammie): Can I just say the waterer? Is that the answer? Because I feel like I'm doing riddles.
Eric (as Baba Rutabaga): It's not a riddle. It's— Cammie, you don't remember from your time in Open Fields or in regular society, I barely do. I only know every once when I go into the farmer's market and they yell at me, and I'm like, "Oh, that's right."
Julia: (as Cammie): But you just want some broccoli.
Eric (as Baba Rutabaga): I love that— it's the fact— it turned to the fractals. I love it.
Julia (as Cammie): Yeah, the Romesco, it's pretty cool. Anyway, not the point. I'm trying to stay focused.
Eric (as Baba Rutabaga): Greenfolk don't like thinking about what happens when— what happens next.
Julia: (as Cammie): Yeah, of course, we don't, because then we have to reckon with our own mortality. But, obviously, people have thought about, "Hey, is there a way of continuing on or bringing someone back."
Eric (as Baba Rutabaga): Yeah, there are spirits everywhere, they come back.
Julia (as Cammie): So why can't I just grab the key's spirit and bring it back to its body?
That seems like it should be something I can do.
Eric (as Baba Rutabaga): It's not something you can do, Cammie.
Julia (as Cammie): Says who, you?
Eric (as Baba Rutabaga): Says everyone, all the time. Everyone believes, and a lot don't want to acknowledge, but I'm all right with it. When we die, our souls go to the water, and the water decides what happens— where we go next. The divine of life and death. The water that we all need to live is the same thing that happens to us when we die. The water doesn't control it. It's just the flow of where it goes. You— yes, you could go— you could probably— try to fi—
Julia: (as Cammie): I can try to find the waterer, and then maybe—
Eric (as Baba Rutabaga): The waterer doesn't exist here. I'm saying that— this is— we're have— this isn't even the right conversation.
Julia (as Cammie): Okay, what's the right conversation?
Eric (as Baba Rutabaga): The Key with a Gaze had its soul put into it by the Planter, and when it's gone, it's gone. You're comparing a plant to a light bulb. A light bulb, when the filament breaks, it breaks. And a plant, you can do everything possible to bring it back, or maybe you take its seeds, and you replant it, and then comes back. But the Key with A Gaze was a light bulb, a warm, light-giving essential invention, but a light bulb, nonetheless.
Amanda: A light bulb I had sex with, and would again.
Julia: I was gonna say, "Wow, you were so in love."
Julia (as Cammie): If it's a light bulb, if it is a tool, is there a way of putting another soul into the body?
Eric (as Baba Rutabaga): I don't know. And I'm telling you because you called me, please don't worry about this.
Julia (as Cammie): But we need the Key with a Gaze in order to—
Eric (as Baba Rutabaga): And the Key with a Gaze is still the key, is still a key, even if it ha— even if the light is turned on or not. Please do not worry yourself by bringing it back. You should celebrate its life and then do what you're supposed to be doing, which I assume you're still doing the key thing. You're still doing the key thing?
Julia (as Cammie): Yeah, I mean, obviously.
Eric (as Baba Rutabaga): Okay, so then do it.
Julia (as Cammie): Not what I wanted to hear, but probably what I needed to hear.
Eric (as Baba Rutabaga): Is this why you don't call me that much?
Julia (as Cammie): Well, also it's the banging of the pots, and the cabinets, and the vacuuming when I do. I just don't feel like I have your full attention.
Eric (as Baba Rutabaga): I'm going— I can multitask.
Julia: (as Cammie): Okay.
Eric (as Baba Rutabaga): I can multitask. See, you didn't even know I was making a different potion this whole time. I was in the out— I was at the outdoor cauldron.
Julia (as Cammie): That's why it was windy. I heard the door open, I heard the wind. I understand. The forest is loud.
Eric: In the distance, you hear—
Eric (as Baba Rutabaga): Can someone help me?
Julia (as Cammie): No.
Eric (as Baba Rutabaga): Is anyone there?
Julia (as Cammie): No. Run. Run.
Eric (as Baba Rutabaga): He was trying to steal my roses. That's his fault. Come on. You don't just take someone's roses. "Oh, it's for love. It's for my girlfriend." Shut up!
Julia (as Cammie): What did you do to him? Is he a rose now?
Eric (as Baba Rutabaga): Outdoor cauldron.
Julia (as Cammie): Oh. Oh.
Eric (as Baba Rutabaga): Outdoor cauldron.
Julia (as Cammie): Fair, fair.
Brandon: It's just a guy with his mouth open.
Julia (as Cammie): I'm glad you didn't eat me. Anyway, it was nice talking to you. I'll see you later. Send me the recipe.
Eric (as Baba Rutabaga): I'm glad I didn't eat you, too.
Julia (as Cammie): Okay, bye.
Eric (as Baba Rutabaga): All right. Have fun saving the world, Cammie.
Julia (as Cammie): Gonna do my best.
Brandon: I'm realizing that you probably meant that he was in the outdoor cauldron, but I imagine that he was the outdoor cauldron.
Eric: Yeah, that's some real hocus pocus stuff. I like it.
Julia: Uh-hmm. Uh-hmm.
Eric: It can work either way.
Amanda: That's much more of a cob. Very good.
Eric: Brandon?
Brandon: Yes.
Eric: It's time.
Brandon: It's time.
Eric: It's time. You rolled double zeros.
Brandon: Oh, I get to do this?
Eric: Uh-hmm.
Julia: What did you think was gonna happen here, buddy?
Brandon: I don't— I thought he was gonna do something dramatic.
Julia: This is what— the dramatic thing is, Brandon, you have to roll five times.
Eric: Umbi had a long day. The old man's gotta go to sleep. How— what's he doing?
Brandon (as Umbi): Oh, I'm so sleepy. I gotta put on my sleep socks and my sleep Underoos. Gotta brush my teeth. That's right, the Papa has teeth. Think about it.
Julia: Don't.
Eric: That's where the Creed pepper smell comes from.
Brandon (as Umbi): And then I slip into bed like the old man that I am. And like every old person, I wonder if I'll wake up in the morning.
Eric: In the middle of that thought, you're immediately asleep.
Brandon (as Umbi): I wonder if I'll— [snores]
Eric: Yeah. All right, dude. Hold that roll for a second.
Brandon: Okay.
Eric: I think you're back at the Bar Mitzvah party.
Eric (as Party Host): All right, folks. Well, we hope you had the time of your life dancing to the hits of the 80's, 90's, and today, but first, we're gonna have a speech from the lucky Bar Mitzvah girl.
Eric: And just like a smaller version of Umbi with a big bow and like a little, like, you know, mole and red lipstick, wearing a big, goofy black and white striped dress with so many petticoats.
Julia: Wow.
Eric: Goes up to the microphone.
Eric (as Umbi's daughter): I'm so happy that all of you could come to my Bar Mitzvah. I know—
Brandon (as Umbi): Ooh! Yeah! You did it!
Julia: I thought you said boo for a second.
Eric: I thought you said boo as well.
Julia: I was like, " Don't boo your daughter."
Brandon: No, yeah. I said, "Ooh." My bad.
Eric: Yeah .
Eric (as Umbi's daughter): I'd like to thank the DJ for playing sick beats and the caterer.
Brandon (as Umbi): Woo! Yeah!
Eric (as Umbi's daughter): And also—
Brandon (as Umbi): It could have been better.
Eric (as Umbi's daughter): And also, I'd like to thank my dad, who believed in me and listening to me practice my ha torah over and over again, and organized this whole thing. Thank you, Dad. Where are you? Where are you, Dad? Do you want to come up and say something? Where— dad, where are you?
Eric: And Umbi, as you're looking around, you see that water is starting to fill up around you.
Brandon (as Umbi): Is this part of the thing?
Eric: It's coming, like, out from underneath the dance floor and just like slowly filling the room.
Brandon (as Umbi): Y'all, I feel like this could be bad for the vibes.
Eric: It gets faster and faster, and much like, you know, back in the underwater prison, is kind of like that same vibe where you're just like— the water is buoying you up. But everyone else— everything else is kind of staying on the ground here. The Bat Mitzvah, and all of the people, and Umbi's daughter are all just staying out there on the ground, and you are floating up, and up, and up. Slowly, the scene around you changes, and the Bat Mitzvah below you is getting smaller, and smaller, and smaller. You're floating in a pond.
Brandon (as Umbi): Oh.
Eric: Around you— and it's just like this forest clearing.
Brandon (as Umbi): This is nice.
Eric: It's spring, so there's flowers starting to bloom everywhere. It's warm, but you could wear a jacket, if you wanted to. Trees lined all around this pond. It's almost like a secret place you might find as a kid where, like, you're running through the woods, and then you burst through the woods, and you're like, "Oh my God, this pond is here. That's so cool." And then—
Julia: That is cool.
Eric: And you go there every once in a while when you don't want people to find you.
Brandon: Uh-hmm.
Eric: And Umbi, you're just kind of floating, bobbing in the water here.
Brandon (as Umbi): 99 bottles of pirates on the wall, 99 bottles of grog. What do we call it? Pirate grog? No.
Eric: I think it's just—
Julia: I think it's just grog—
Brandon (as Umbi): What do we call— no, this is Umbi—
Amanda: Uh-hmm.
Brandon: This is Umbi talking to himself.
Julia: Yeah.
Eric: Yeah.
Brandon (as Umbi): What was it called? It was like—
Julia: No, I'm just letting Umbi know through the fourth wall that it's just grog.
Brandon (as Umbi): Oh.
Eric (as the Waterer): You know, I think it's just grog. If it's just pirate, it wouldn't be pirates grog, because pirates are the only one who drinks the grog, so it's just pirate grog.
Brandon (as Umbi): My inner monologue voice sounds different.
Eric (as the Waterer): No, Umbi, I'm over here.
Brandon (as Umbi): Ha? I'm naked!
Eric (as the Waterer): No, you're not— oh, wait, you are. I always forget about it. That's funny.
Eric: And you turn around and there is this— there is a Greenfolk-sized water strider.
Brandon: Ooh.
Eric: Kind of just tiptoeing over on the pond.
Brandon (as Umbi): Hello.
Eric (as the Waterer): Hello, Umbi.
Brandon (as Umbi): Who are you?
Eric (as the Waterer): Or— I don't remember the last time. I don't remember the last time someone called you by your government name, but hello, Asimina Triloba. See, I know your first name and your last name.
Brandon (as Umbi): Are we married?
Eric (as the Waterer): We could be if you play your cards right.
Brandon (as Umbi): Okay.
Julia: Damn, dude.
Eric (as the Waterer): I knew you were such a flirt, but oh, my God.
Brandon (as Umbi): No, I'm asking because I only tell that to people I marry.
Eric (as the Waterer): Hmm.
Brandon (as Umbi): That's how I know in the future, if I meet them and they know my government name, then I know that we're married for real and not for fake.
Eric (as the Waterer): Hmm.
Brandon (as Umbi): That's the trick.
Eric (as the Waterer): That's smart, that's smart, that's smart. You're prepared.
Brandon (as Umbi): Yeah.
Eric (as the Waterer): What a prepared guy.
Brandon (as Umbi): I know.
Eric (as the Waterer): Incredible.
Brandon (as Umbi): I seem not prepared.
Eric (as the Waterer): Well, I think it's so it's only fair that if I know your government name, that you could tell— that I'll tell you my government name.
Brandon (as Umbi): Okay.
Eric (as the Waterer): The name that the government knows me by.
Brandon (as Umbi): Yeah.
Eric (as the Waterer): You might— it's clunky but they like it. Hello, I'm the Waterer.
Brandon (as Umbi): Oh.
Julia: What the fuck, man?
Amanda: Yeah!
Eric (as the Waterer): And Umbi, you're going to die soon.
Brandon (as Umbi): Cool. What happens when I die?
Eric (as the Waterer): I knew you'd take it well. That's why I wanted to tell you. It felt important.
Brandon (as Umbi): Yeah.
Eric (as the Waterer): Yeah.
Brandon (as Umbi): I've been— honestly, I've been preparing for, like [mumbles] amount of years, so like, I get it. But, like, I don't know what happens when I die.
Eric (as the Waterer): Oh, well, I could show you.
Brandon (as Umbi): Okay.
Eric (as the Waterer): I won't do it. I'm not gonna do it. I'm not gonna do it, but I can do kind of a test run, a demo.
Brandon (as Umbi): Okay. I mean, on my character sheet, it says I'm not afraid of death, so it's fine either way, but, like, whatever.
Eric (as the Waterer): I know, I have it right here.
Brandon (as Umbi): Yeah.
Eric: And the waterer will pull up— the waterer has your character sheet and it's waving it around.
Eric: Can I— do you mind?
Brandon (as Umbi): No, let's do it.
Eric: Okay. If you don't know what a water strider is, it's one of those, like, bi—
Amanda: A lady bug.
Eric: —small— smore— small thorax, big legs and they— you see them on ponds, and they just kind of like— they call it water striders. Actually, I would love to do this. I was looking this up the other day, and I was looking at the water strider Wikipedia page. Can I read you all the names for water striders?
Brandon: Yes, please.
Julia: Yeah.
Amanda: Yes, please. Small thorax, big legs is my favorite shape of woman.
Eric: And a long jacket.
Brandon: Jacket?
Amanda: Uh-hmm.
Eric: Okay. They are known as water striders, water skeeters, water scooters, water bugs, pond skaters, water skippers, water gliders, water skimmers, or puddle flies.
Brandon: Puddle fly?
Amanda: Puddle fly?
Julia: Puddle fly is my favorite.
Amanda: You're my little puddle fly.
Brandon: Aw, that's cute.
Amanda: Despite killing my favorite NPC.
Julia: Aw.
Eric: You can look at the water. The water has— like most bug Greenfolk has plant growth on them. They have, like, these little sprouts that are coming out of them, kind of like on their joints. These like little, little, tiny, little green sprouts.
Eric (as the Waterer): Okay. It's— this is gonna— it's not gonna hurt, but it's gonna feel a little weird, okay?
Brandon (as Umbi): I super fucking don't like pain.
Eric (as the Waterer): No, it's not that. It's just gonna feel weird.
Brandon (as Umbi): Okay.
Eric (as the Waterer): Okay.
Brandon (as Umbi): Okay, cool.
Eric: And the waterer picks up one of its long water strider legs and, like, kind of maneuvers their, like, long bug hand, almost like they're reaching into, like, your inner jacket pocket.
Brandon (as Umbi): Hey.
Eric: But they're like—
Brandon (as Umbi): Wait 'till we're married.
Eric (as the Waterer): Come on, you can't flirt with me while I'm doing this. Come on.
Eric: And pulls out a packet of seeds.
Brandon (as Umbi): Oh.
Eric (as the Waterer): Umbi, this is your life, right here.
Brandon (as Umbi): Whoa.
Eric (as the Waterer): Yeah.
Brandon (as Umbi): Cool.
Eric (as the Waterer): It's cool.
Brandon (as Umbi): That's really cool.
Eric (as the Waterer): All the things you've done, they get categorized into see— they get turned into seeds, little seeds here.
Brandon (as Umbi): Yeah.
Eric (as the Waterer): And then we can dump out the seeds, and we can see how good the seeds are. If you did bad stuff, they float.
Brandon (as Umbi): Oh.
Eric (as the Waterer): But if you did good stuff, that means they're heavy. You got the substance and they can grow.
Julia: Ooh.
Brandon (as Umbi): Hmm. That makes sense.
Eric (as the Waterer): Yeah.
Eric: And the waterer shakes the bag and be like—
Eric (as the Waterer): You got more seeds in here than the regular people. We got to—it gets— you have different chapters of your life or is— what ends up in the seed bag here, but you have a lot of— you got a lot of chapters, buddy.
Brandon (as Umbi): Yeah. They're big seeds, too. They're very large.
Eric (as the Waterer): I mean, they're regular-sized seeds, but okay.
Brandon (as Umbi): Okay.
Eric (as the Waterer): I've seen bigger.
Brandon (as Umbi): Wait 'till we're married.
Eric (as the Waterer): Stop! You said you wouldn’t-- I’m holding your seeds. Come on. So I mean, do you want to see? It's not all about floating and sinking, of course. Like you could explain yourself, if you want to.
Brandon (as Umbi): I do want a seed.
Eric (as the Waterer): Okay.
Brandon (as Umbi): Is that a bad one? Do I get a negative point for a pun?
Eric (as the Waterer): Well, what do you think? What do you think is gonna happen?
Brandon (as Umbi): Probably 50/50, if I'm honest.
Eric (as the Waterer): I can tell you are being honest. I can't show you, though.
Brandon (as Umbi): Oh, why?
Eric (as the Waterer): This is as far as the demonstration goes.
Brandon (as Umbi): Oh, man.
Eric (as the Waterer): It wouldn't be fair. You're gonna come back soon.
Brandon (as Umbi): I thought we were in love.
Eric (as the Waterer): Oh, we are in love. That's why I'm gonna be so excited to see you again.
Brandon (as Umbi): Oh, great.
Julia: It's actually the sweetest thing a deity could say to you.
Amanda: Yeah.
Eric (as the Waterer): I'm like what— I'm liking what you're doing, bud. I like it.
Brandon (as Umbi): Thanks. Me, too.
Eric (as the Waterer): Are you doing— it's been fun to watch.
Brandon (as Umbi): That's what I aim for.
Eric (as the Waterer): Yeah. I—
Brandon (as Umbi): If I'm not being interested for the people looking at me, then what am I doing?
Eric (as the Waterer): Yeah, it's not all perfect, of course, but I can see you're someone who tries to live without regrets. Am I right about that?
Brandon (as Umbi): True. Yeah, that's right. Regrets are like assholes. Everyone's got them, except for me.
Amanda: Umbi, how do you excrete?
Julia: Don't worry about it, don’t ask that.
Eric: At the top of your head.
Brandon: I didn't know how I was going to finish that when I started.
Amanda: Welcome.
Julia: Yeah, that checks out. That makes sense to me.
Amanda: Welcome.
Eric: It's good.
Eric (as the Waterer): Listen, you know, you're getting this opportunity here because you're—well, here's the thing, bud, you almost— here's the thing, bud, you almost died because you laughed at all those people following— falling in the grease.
Brandon (as Umbi): I know, it was really fucking funny.
Eric (as the Waterer): It was, and your heart stopped.
Brandon (as Umbi): Yeah, it was worth it, though.
Eric (as the Waterer): And that's why you're here.
Brandon (as Umbi): Yeah, makes sense.
Eric (as the Waterer): You know? That's why you're here, because your heart stopped—
Brandon (as Umbi): Yeah.
Eric (as the Waterer): —when laughing at all those people falling.
Brandon (as Umbi): I mean, isn't that what everyone wants, to die laughing, right? Isn't that like the dream?
Eric (as the Waterer): Yeah. But you pushed through. So if there's something you want to get off your chest, if you have any regrets, if you have any buttholes lingering around that you want to get off your chest, this is your time.
Brandon (as Umbi): I mean, no, I don't live with regrets. The mistakes I made are just mistakes. I let them go. I let them wash away like the waters of— the watering can of the waterer.
Eric (as the Waterer): Not about— nothing about your family, nothing about your time in the government, or you're wandering around like a— like, I don't know, like a hero walking from town to town?
Brandon (as Umbi): Well, I don't know why I would regret being a hero, but thank you for saying so. That's so kind. It's flattering.
Eric (as the Waterer): You know, I guess you thought you were hero, but you were also like hobo hero, similar words. Those two— like four letters start with H.
Brandon (as Umbi): Yeah. Both work— it works.
Eric (as the Waterer): Yeah.
Brandon (as Umbi): Government, I wish I did— I regret not murdering all those assholes who didn't listen to me.
Eric (as the Waterer): Uh-hmm.
Brandon (as Umbi): But there's still opportunities. Some of them are still alive.
Amanda: Murder your regrets. Murder them.
Brandon (as Umbi): Yeah. Family, could have been nicer to my mom, probably.
Eric (as the Waterer): Yeah. That wasn't your daughter down there?
Brandon (as Umbi): Oh, that little mini copycat of me?
Eric (as the Waterer): Yeah.
Brandon (as Umbi): No, that's just me if I were a little and small and a girl.
Eric (as the Waterer): Okay, yeah. I would— I figured that was a dream.
Brandon (as Umbi): Yeah.
Eric (as the Waterer): Yeah.
Brandon (as Umbi): I thought it'd be funny. Was it funny to watch?
Eric (as the Waterer): Yeah. Did you ever have kids, Umbi?
Brandon (as Umbi): No.
Eric (as the Waterer): Hmm. Too busy?
Brandon (as Umbi): Too busy.
Eric (as the Waterer): Following this— follow your heart, trying to do what was right?
Brandon (as Umbi): I mean, look, if you want to be honest—
Eric (as the Waterer): I did—
Brandon (as Umbi): —or whatever.
Eric (as the Waterer): Umbi, you're nearly— you are at the waterways of life and death, yes, I do.
Brandon (as Umbi): I didn't want to have kids because the world is fucked. There's no water. They're gonna grow up in a world where everything's changing and it sucks to live and that's mean.
Eric (as the Waterer): I agree with you. It's not my department. The seeding isn't my department.
Brandon (as Umbi): I also just want to remind everyone that Umbi is naked in this exchange.
Julia: Uh-huh.
Eric: Oh, I know. I know. Why do you think you guys are flirting so much?
Amanda: A seed packet came out from like his underarm.
Eric (as the Waterer): Umbi, there's something I gotta tell you, but—
Brandon (as Umbi): Uh-huh.
Eric (as the Waterer): —I'm worried about what it might sound like, so can this be a private conversation?
Brandon (as Umbi): Is there someone else here?
Eric (as the Waterer): Yeah, well, Amanda and Julia are listening.
Brandon (as Umbi): Oh.
Julia: Oh, fuck off.
Brandon (as Umbi): They are listening.
Julia: Kindly fuck off.
Amanda: No.
Brandon (as Umbi): They're liking me naked. I see it in their eyes.
Eric: Amanda and Julia, can you please step out?
Amanda: Oh. Fuck this. Julia, let's have our own group chat.
Eric (as the Waterer): Good. We're finally alone. Umbi, you're going to die.
Brandon (as Umbi): I'm gonna die?
Eric (as the Waterer): I mean, we all do, but it's gonna happen to you sooner than you think it will.
Brandon (as Umbi): Okay.
Eric (as the Waterer): I like what you're doing. I like where this is going, so I want to give you a hint.
Brandon (as Umbi): Okay. Thank you.
Eric: The waterer reaches into your seed packet, rip— makes a tiny little rip in it. Like, I imagine it's like a sealed seed packet.
Brandon: Yeah.
Eric: And it says Umbi on it.
Brandon: Uh-hmm.
Eric: Like with a really stylized, detailed illustration of a pawpaw fruit.
Brandon: Uh-hmm. Uh-hmm.
Eric: So I rip a really tiny hole in your seed packet and pops out one of the seeds. And then takes out another smaller seed packet.
Brandon: Like a sample.
Eric: And slips it in there. Be like—
Eric (as the Waterer): I can give you a hint. I can tell you what you need to know, but you got to come back to me once you're done.
Brandon (as Umbi): Yeah. Okay, deal.
Eric (as the Waterer): I know what you're gonna do with the salmon. I know you're gonna do the right thing.
Brandon (as Umbi): Yeah, probably. Unfortunately.
Eric (as the Waterer): So if you feel— if you ever feel stuck, if you ever feel stuck, if you feel like you don't know what to do, I want to give you a hint. Do you promise to come back to me when you're done?
Brandon (as Umbi): Yeah.
Eric (as the Waterer): Okay.
Brandon (as Umbi): Now, are you saying that I can, like, walk the plank, if you know what I mean, when I need to, or just when that ever happens make sure to come back to you?
Eric (as the Waterer): When you're done talking to the salmon, you gotta walk the plank back to me, bucko.
Brandon (as Umbi): Oh.
Eric (as the Waterer): That's— but on your time there, I'm gonna give— you can use this hint.
Brandon (as Umbi): Hell yeah. All right. Sounds like a fun deal. Let's do it.
Eric (as the Waterer): Okay. You promise?
Brandon (as Umbi): I promise.
Eric (as the Waterer): All right.
Brandon (as Umbi): Where else am I going, to that fucking Planter? That guy's an asshole.
Eric (as the Waterer): Oh, he's trying his best.
Brandon (as Umbi): Yeah.
Eric (as the Waterer): He's stuck in his old— in his greenhouse. He doesn't leave as much as he thinks he does.
Brandon (as Umbi): Yeah.
Eric (as the Waterer): And he's— and he doesn't want anyone to know about it, but he's sad about the key, too.
Brandon (as Umbi): Oh, no. I'm sorry.
Eric (as the Waterer): Yeah, but they're hanging out. He honestly needs the company.
Brandon (as Umbi): Yeah, probably.
Eric (as the Waterer): Yeah. So, okay, you can open this whenever you want, it's yours.
Brandon (as Umbi): Thank you. Oh.
Eric (as the Waterer): Hey— oh, wait, hold on. We have to shake on it.
Eric: And the waterer holds out a big, long water strider, a hand to you.
Brandon: And I shake it.
Eric (as the Waterer): You're naked, and I can see all of your appendages right now.
Brandon (as Umbi): Yeah. How does it feel?
Eric (as the Waterer): So you're not crossing anything, are you? Because I'm gonna make— you'll come ba— you're gonna come back as a durian stink bug if you fuck with me. You know I could do this. I— you know I'm not joking.
Brandon (as Umbi): No, I— no, I'm not joking.
Eric (as the Waterer): Like 10 lifetimes in a row, it's durian stink bug, durian stink bug, durian stink bug.
Brandon (as Umbi): Look, listen, I believe you, and that sounds bad, and I do not want that.
Eric (as the Waterer): It's so bad.
Brandon (as Umbi): People— I smell like a green bell pepper when I get bruised and that's pre— honestly, a pretty good smell and people are like, "Ew. What's wrong with you?" Like, I don't want that. No.
Eric (as the Waterer): Uh-hmm. Okay. Like— all right, bud. I'll see you soon.
Brandon (as Umbi): Okay. I love you.
Eric (as the Waterer): I love you, too. Now, you gotta wake up.
Brandon (as Umbi): Wake up?
Eric: And the waterer dunks you under the water, and you startle up in bed.
Brandon: [gasps] And I'm still naked.
Eric: Yes, and now you're naked. You didn't start out naked but you're naked. All right. Let's go get them.
Brandon: Okay.
[theme]
Amanda: Hey, everybody, it's Amanda. Welcome to the midroll where I don't know about you, but I think we need a little bringing back of our lovely little moment to begin the midroll. If you've joined us during Campaign Three, this is something that I used to do, led by Eric, actually, early in the show, where we just give you a little like a vignette, a little moment, a little pause, a little like relaxing. And in this case, it's waking up and having that first sip of ice cold water because you finally invested in an insulated tumbler to have that ice water in, and it keeps it chilly all night long. Welcome to the midroll. We have nugget ice. Thank you, and welcome to our newest paid supporters on Patreon, Christopher B. and Ben A. Thank you both for joining. And now, I know I'm a little bit biased here, but I think this is the single best episode of Join the Party that we've put out so far. Okay? I know that's a big statement. I know we've had a lot of excellent episodes. We had one just last week with the Model Our Nations One Shot, but this episode has truly everything. And if I sat back and calculated like the time Eric spends prepping, we spend recording, Brandon spends editing, all of us spend reviewing and, like, getting notes and getting stuff ready for the show. It's probably 30 to 40 hours of prep to get this episode to your ears, and we're only able to put energy like this into a show like this because of your support on Patreon. So to show your love and get bonus content like Discord access, the biweekly Party Planning podcast, ad-free episodes, and even early access to new episodes a whole day before anyone else. That's right. People processed this stuff with the key on their own last week for a whole day before the rest of you heard it. Join us at patreon.com/jointhepartypod. It is getting toward the end of the year, and I heard a radio commercial yesterday about how all kids, like 80% of kids, want video games or video game consoles as a present, which I'll say, so do I. And if you two love games of all kinds, you gotta be listening to Big Game Hunger. This is a weekly comedy show where Jenna Stoeber and friends craft the next big video game every episode. They start with a randomly generated genre, concept and vibe. Okay? There's no AI here. They just roll on a table like nerds. And Jenna and a variety of her funny and game-obsessed friends take the ideas far enough where by the end of the episode, you're like, "Wait, wait. What, I can't buy this?" It's truly incredible. It is a joy to listen to every week, and new episodes come out every dang Monday. So subscribe to Big Game Hunger in your podcast app now. We are sponsored this week by Catan, where you can get ready to launch with Starfarers, an epic science fiction board game that brings the space adventure to life with custom ships, detailed figures, and the tense fate deciding roles that all of us in TTRPG land know and love. They also have event cards that throw you into thrilling encounters like alien diplomacy or pirate ambushes. And hey, that sounds a hell of a lot like the Model Our Nations One Shot from Friday, no? Starfarers is perfect for adding a role-playing twist to every game. So if you have what it takes to journey into the unknown with Catan Starfarers, gather your crew and conquer the stars. You can even get 10% off at catanstudio.com using code jointheparty on any copies of Starfarers before they're all gone. They will sell out, so go to catanstudio.com and use code jointheparty for 10% off. We are also sponsored this week by Uncommon Goods, where you can spark something uncommon this holiday with just the right gift from Uncommon Goods. Now, this is definitely a busy time of year. I know I'm already buying and thinking about buying and making gifts for people in my life, and Uncommon Goods genuinely is a place where you can go and be like, "I don't know what to get my, you know, father-in-law, or my sister's boyfriend, or, you know, like the barista that I really like, and I want to give them something small, but like, not over the top." Honestly, Uncommon Goods is a really good place to look for gifts. They can spark joy, wonder, delight, and the sort of like, "Oh, my God. That's exactly what I wanted," feeling which I felt when someone sent me some copper plant tags from Uncommon Goods where you could, like, write on it, but the tags were copper to, like, put in different herbs or flowers. Oh, my God. They were so beautiful. And I was like, "How have I not been labeling my plants with a beautiful copper thing my whole life?" To get 15% off your next gift from Uncommon Goods, go to uncommon goods.com/jointheparty. That's uncommongoods.com/jointheparty for 15% off. Don't miss out on this limited time offer. Uncommon Goods, we're all out of the ordinary. And finally, we're sponsored this week by Mint Mobile. Now, I have had a ton of phone plans in my life. I've had lots of different providers. Some of my siblings, by the way, still in the family plan, must be nice guys. But no, I've been paying for my own phone since I was, like, 17, and I know that the worst part of having cell phone service is like calling them to make any kinds of changes. It is incredibly annoying. So I can tell you with confidence that Mint Mobile has the best website of any mobile provider I have ever dealt with. They are incredibly good and well-organized, and actually easy to use and very straightforward to sign up. Best part is, right now, they are offering wireless service for $15 a month with the purchase of a three-month plan. Cheaper than I've ever paid for wireless service, and I started paying in, like, 2009. Back then, things were so cheap. All of their plans come with high-speed data and unlimited talk and text delivered on the nation's largest 5G network. You can use your own phone with any Mint Mobile plan and bring your own phone number. To get this new customer offer and your new three-month premium wireless plan for just 15 bucks a month, go to mintmobile.com/jointheparty. That's mintmobile.com/jointheparty. Cut your wireless bill to 15 bucks a month at mintmobile.com/jointhe party. $45 upfront payment is required, equivalent to $15 a month. New customers on first three-month plan only. Speeds do get slower above the 40 gigabyte on unlimited plan, additional taxes, fees, and restrictions may apply. See Mint Mobile for details, and now, let's get back to the show you.
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Amanda: Did you die, Umbi.
Brandon: No, but me and Eric have decided to do a collective action against you and Julia, so—
Amanda: Fuck you. You're fired.
Eric: Oh, no. Amanda fired us. Goddamn. Damn, management—
Amanda: You can't prove it's for unions. You can't prove it's for unions. It could be for anything. It could be for anything.
Eric: It's because we came in two minutes late and they have a no lateness—
Amanda: Uh-hmm.
Eric: —policy. That's why.
Julia: Love that for you, Amanda. You tell them.
Amanda: Better no employees than a unionized employee.
Eric: Okay. We're back, baby.
Julia: Is Umbi still alive? Do we need to go find his body in his room?
Amanda: Brandon, did he die?
Brandon (as Umbi): Who can say?
Julia: He's still talking as Umbi, so that's something.
Amanda: That is something.
Eric: God. Imagine Brandon in a new character in the last three episodes, that'd be like terrible.
Amanda: All right. New idea. I just want to make a plan right now for what happens if Umbi dies. Okay. I think the podcast should be narrated by Umbi.
Brandon: Oh, that's fun.
Eric: Hmm.
Julia: Yeah, and he closes the book at the end?
Amanda: Yes.
Brandon: I just repeat everything exactly word for word, what Eric says but in Umbi's voice?
Julia: Right.
Amanda: Or Umbi just color commentary.
Brandon: Oh, okay, okay.
Amanda: Like you're a YouTuber watching another YouTuber play a video game.
Brandon: Color commentary—
Julia: Right.
Brandon: —would be fun, though.
Eric: Umbi's doing a react stream to what's—
Amanda: Yes.
Eric: —happening in the Campaign Three of Join the Party.
Amanda: Uh-hmm.
Brandon: That's the director's cut that you can only get on Patreon if you're at the $11 level, the secret $11 level.
Julia: Uh-hmm.
Eric: Where you—
Julia: You gotta click around to find it.
Eric: You gotta Venmo Brandon $11.
Amanda: No, no. We can set up an $11 tier if you want Brandon as Umbi to narrate something.
Julia: Something.
Eric: They should save their money for the other very— the many things we're giving them at the end of this year, please.
Brandon: Look, if you want the $11 tier, you want me to do a director's commentary on an episode of JTP, I will do that.
Amanda: If we get to 11 patrons at $11 a month—
Brandon: Uh-huh.
Amanda: —Brandon will do at least one episode.
Julia: Yeah.
Eric: Eric and Umbi will do a director's commentary of any episode of Join the Party you want.
Brandon: Eric? Why is Eric inviting this all of a sudden?
Eric: Oh, oh. Sorry. It's Umbi only. Sorry, sorry, sorry.
Amanda: Then you have to relisten to the episodes, it's Umbi only.
Brandon: I think we should both do one, but separately.
Amanda: I'm writing down notes for myself in Episode 61.
Eric: Brandon, do you want to tell them if Umbi's dead or not?
Brandon: Well, as if you were watching the Christmas Carol, and skip to the end where he realizes that he's not a bad person and he still has time. Umbi bursts out of his room, butt naked, and says—
Brandon (as Umbi): I'm alive!
Julia (as Cammie): Okay. Good morning.
Amanda (as Troy): I feel like, usually, you have more clothes on.
Julia (as Cammie): Also a wild thing to say after our friend just died.
Brandon (as Umbi): I'm alive!
Julia (as Cammie): The morning after.
Brandon (as Umbi): But I'm alive.
Amanda (as Troy): I'm glad.
Eric: Gloria walks by with a pot of coffee and says—
Eric (as Gloria): We're all more alive if we're seeing this now. It's a real jolt to the day.
Julia (as Cammie): Hmm.
Brandon (as Umbi): You like it Gloria? You like what you see?
Eric (as Gloria): No.
Brandon (as Umbi): I'm alive, baby!
Eric (as Gloria): Oh, God.
Eric: I like Gloria standing there, so Umbi's genitals are blocked by the coffee pot.
Brandon: Uh-hmm. Exactly.
Julia (as Cammie): Umbi has so many more wrinkles than I assume.
Amanda: And Troy has turned around to face the wall.
Julia: Cammi's just looking like—
Julia: (as Cammie): Huh.
Eric (as Sil and Harold): Hell yeah, dude.
Eric: Sil and Harold seeing it through the walls.
Brandon (as Umbi): Oh, I assumed you two had seen it plenty of times since you are the ship.
Eric: Oh, I see it all the time, but I don't say it.
Brandon (as Umbi): Yeah.
Eric: It's never come up because I never had an opportunity to say it.
Brandon (as Umbi): Yeah, that's fair.
Eric: Yeah.
Brandon (as Umbi): Yeah.
Eric: Good stuff, bud.
Brandon (as Umbi): Thanks.
Eric: Work.
Amanda: I would love to be seen naked by my bruvs, and then they go, "Good stuff, bud. That's a good review."
Eric: All right, folks. Hello, it's me, Eric Silver. Hey, what do we want to do now? You fully cleared Mango Crossing. Sil and Harold, when they picked y'all up, got far enough away from Mango Crossing that you're kind of outside of the agro reach of the people looking for you. There was some drama, you know, going on behind islands, going around like a big crab—
Brandon: Big crab?
Julia: Big crab. Big crab.
Eric: —and so people wouldn't miss you. You know, there was a whole water chase that we missed, but that happened.
Brandon: Oh, no.
Eric: So you're kind of in a safe zone here, but you're still, like, close enough to Mango Crossing, if you wanted to go back to Mango Crossing or any of the other things that we've talked about. What do you want to do? I really don't know what the three of you are up to after putting Mango Crossing together.
Brandon: I would like to go to Lake Encounter, because we haven't done that and it sounds fun.
Julia: It's also interesting since we know now that Piney is working for the DK crew.
Eric: Sure.
Julia: And Lake Encounter is associated with Tessie the Storm and the Book Depository island, so— hmm.
Eric: I will tell you that Lake Encounter does allow its parking to be validated by the Book Depository, but that's all the— that is some amount of affiliation in one way or another. Oh, right, the bar— and the bartender at our— had also said that, like, Tessie, they don't know why they allow them to be there, but there's something going on. That's right. I forgot about that.
Julia: I think Tessie is into the idea they have the idea of—
Amanda: Yeah, they have the same landlord, you know, so they can—
Julia: Yeah.
Amanda: —share parking.
Brandon: Well, like Player Brandon would love to go to Lake Encounter, because it sounds fun, but obviously, in-game PC, like we should probably rush to the keys as fast as we can. What are y'all thinking?
Julia: I think we have some time that we can at least check out Lake Encounter. I also think we need a little beach episode after what has happened to us. So that's something as well.
Eric: You got plenty of time if there's things you want to check on, if there's things you want to look into to maybe get just more information to make these decisions, feel free.
Julia: Oh, yeah. Could I have earlier before I took a nap? I was— I wanted to make sure that the ship was clear of a certain hide-y individual again.
Eric: Yeah. You could— you're gonna put on your CSI goggles again?
Julia: I'm gonna just use locate creature, if that's cool.
Brandon: You had this whole time?
Julia: Well, I didn't know who was on the ship.
Brandon: Oh, right.
Julia: It has to be a specific creature.
Brandon: Right.
Eric: Sure. DiAnnalyse is not on the ship.
Julia: Not within 1 000 feet of us?
Eirc: Not within 1,000 feet. DiAnnalyse is gone.
Julia: Gotcha. Okay. Cool. Thank you for allowing me to check.
Eric: No. Problem.
Amanda: Yeah, I also— I mean, it'd be fun to go to Lake Encounter, and considering the metaphors here, there may be some kind of, like, wild bring stuff back to life knowledge or magic that we could at least learn from.
Brandon: Hmm.
Amanda: But I feel like we should get a sense of how quickly the wrong key is going to swarm the Kompos facility. So is there any way maybe we could, like, communicate with the sibling Cervantes? Do they see any masts on the horizon? Do we have any sense of how quickly the key is gonna get there?
Brandon: Hmm.
Eric: Yeah.
Brandon: Or, like, I assume we're way too far away for Bartlett to let go do a scouting mission and then—
Eric: Yeah, that would be— you do not see any zombie pirate ships nearby. That would be way too far for Bartlett to check out over open water.
Brandon: Yeah.
Julia: I can sending if we need to do a sending.
Eric: Sure.
Amanda: That's my best idea for how to gauge how urgently we need to get back to Kompos.
Julia: Yeah.
Eric: Yeah. You're also close to the convenience store if you want to go back, but it is kind of close to Mango Crossing.
Brandon: Because we had such a fun and easy time there?
Eric: We— don't you want more mango jerky? It's right there.
Brandon: No.
Julia: It's tempting, but no, not after we befriended the big mama.
Amanda: No.
Julia: All right. I can third level spell a sending. That's okay.
Eric: Sure.
Julia: So you want me to do it to Kidd?
Amanda: That's my opinion.
Brandon: He can— Kidd can talk without a mouth.
Eric: Yes. Kidd can—
Julia: Yes, it's a—
Amanda: Kidd can talk in his brain.
Eric: Yeah, brain talk, yeah, yeah.
Amanda: Yeah. I had the same thought, yeah.
Julia: Remember, it's 25, technically 23—
Amanda: Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Julia: —because we have to end with “love you”
Eric: Got it.
Amanda: Obviously.
Julia: Okay, I was gonna do, "Hey, Kidd”, I don't need to do that. I— he knows who we're talking to. That's fine.
Eric (as Cammie): Hey, Kidd, it's Cammie. Remember from before?
Julia: Yeah.
Amanda: Love you.
Julia: (as Cammie): Heading back towards Kompos. Any sign of Rotten Key?
Brandon: Need anything on the way back?
Amanda: Something like, "We have the remaining keys. How quickly do we need to get there?"
Julia: (as Cammie): We have remaining keys. How quickly should return? Might need to stop on way. Love you.
Eric: You hear the sound of Spanish guitar strumming, and then you hear— [Wild West sound]
Eric (as Kidd Cervantes): I am distressed that you have not left yet.
Eric: It's 9:00.
Eric (as Kidd Cervantes): They are upon—
Eric: Upon, that's one word, I might—
Julia: Uh-hmm.
Eric (as Kidd Cervantes): —the horizon.
Julia: Oh, shit.
Eric (as Kidd Cervantes): The zombie pirates should be here by next day break.
Brandon: Hmm.
Julia: So no time. Yay.
Eric (as Kidd Cervantes): Love you. It's Kidd.
Julia: Oh.
Eric (as Kidd Cervantes): The cactus.
Julia: Oh.
Eric (as Kidd Cervantes): We're fine, by the way.
Amanda: It's self-evident. If you couldn't respond, we'd know it was bad, yeah.
Julia (as Cammie): Okay. It seems like things are bad and we should rush.
Brandon (as Umbi): Oh, okay.
Amanda: Yes.
Julia: (as Cammie): Sorry, Umbi.
Brandon (as Umbi): That's fine. I just wanted a keychain.
Julia (as Cammie): Well, we can get you— I'm sure they have online delivery.
Brandon (as Umbi): I don't have any keys. I just wanted the keychain.
Julia (as Cammie): We literally have three keys.
Brandon (as Umbi): Oh, wait, we do have keys.
Eric: We have keys.
Brandon (as Umbi): What are we doing?
Julia (as Cammie): Should we get any key chain for them?
Amanda (as Troy): The key chain is the love I will hold in my heart for the Key with a Gaze forever.
Julia (as Cammie): Okay, okay, okay.
Eric (as Sea Whip): Bad news, folks. It's— hey, this is your ship speaking. It's your good friend, Sil and Harold.
Brandon (as Umbi): Hey.
Eric (as Sea Whip): It's your good friend, Sil and Harold. You— y'all have been pushing us pretty hard lately and it would take— we're gonna be behind the zombie folks. We're gonna— we're not— we can't get there until tomorrow after— we can't get there until tomorrow afternoon.
Julia (as Cammie): Well, first off, that's unacceptable.
Eric (as Sea Whip): You know what's unacceptable? All the stuff that's been happening to us lately.
Julia: (as Cammie): Wow, Cammie really cracking the Whip, huh?
Amanda (as Troy): I agree. That's why we gotta find the salmon and save the world.
Julia: (as Cammie): I need you to understand that the world might end if we don't get there on time.
Eric (as Sea Whip): I understand that too, but if we— if we're, like, sprinting there for a whole day, we're gonna crack in half, and then there will be no ship.
Amanda (as Troy): That's acceptable. Sorry, old girl.
Amanda: And Troy pats the side of the ship.
Julia: (as Cammie): We'll keep it together. Gloria, can you help reinforce the ship?
Eric (as Gloria): I can try.
Julia (as Cammie): Please.
Eric (as Gloria): I— you know, I think the thing that would be— what I— I'm not really a keep ships together sort of lady. I'm more of a put cool accessories onto a ship kind of lady.
Amanda (as Troy): How about one to speed it up?
Brandon (as Umbi): Yeah, NOS. You got some NOS?
Eric (as Gloria): I—
Amanda (as Troy): And then if it falls off, it's okay.
Eric (as Gloria): I could put something together if you could find some stuff to throw into the ship.
Amanda (as Troy): I have so many barrels.
Eric (as Gloria): Okay, interesting. I need so— I do need something— I can't just throw together like the eggs in the fridge and the barrels. Like we have— if there's something to attach, I will attach it.
Julia: (as Cammie): Gloria, if we found the right supplies for you, even if we stopped, do you think you could still get us there on time?
Eric (as Gloria): Oh, yeah. I can fit so many weird accessories on this bad boy.
Eric: Slap, slap.
Julia (as Cammie): Excellent. We're gonna go steal some shit from Lake Encounter. We're gonna give it to Gloria. Gloria's gonna make NOS, I don't know what that is, or boosters, I don't know what those are. And then we'll get there on time.
Amanda (as Troy): Oh, Harold. Do you still have a touch with the little piece of you? Not the one that my sister cut off, I'm so sorry.
Amanda: Troy's weeping openly.
Amanda (as Troy): But the part that we put on that gossipy so and so's boat? Is he nearby?
Amanda: Orello.
Eric: Oh, that's right. God, where is Orello?
Julia: We sent him back to the hold with a rumor that Lucky Edie is bad and people should come and fuck with her at South Kompos.
Amanda: Yep. I'm more than happy to steal from Lake Encounter, but just in case, Orello is nearby.
Julia: Yes.
Eric: That's right. I forgot about that.
Julia (as Cammie): I think— listen, I'm not saying I think I know what the game plan should be. I just think I would love to steal stuff from Tessie the Storm.
Amanda (as Troy): Let's do it.
Brandon (as Umbi): Yeah, fuck Tessie. We should have killed her when we got the chance.
Amanda (as Troy): And maybe Orello was posted up outside the gift shop with like a rose gift shop where stuff is worse and more expensive.
Julia (as Cammie): That sounds like something he'd do.
Eric: How do you get in touch with the piece of Harold?
Julia: I think you just— Harold talks to it and looks around.
Amanda: Harold just like reaches to it, yeah.
Eric (as Harold): Oh, okay, I'm still recovering, but I'll— he's—
Amanda (as Troy): Would it help if I'm shirtless?
Amanda: Troy rips off his shirt.
Brandon (as Umbi): Does it help that I am naked?
Eric (as Harold): Yes. Yeah, a little bit. Okay.
Julia: (as Cammie): I can also get naked if you want, if that would help.
Eric (as Harold): Everyone stop getting na— please, everyone stop getting naked. Sil is still covering. Hold on, okay. So Orello is going really fast and selling drinks.
Eric: And we go to a cutscene that's all, like, soft focus around it, and just wind is rushing around everywhere. And Orello is like—
Eric (as Orello): Who needs water? I have whiskey, I have Grog. I got clean water. Just one— just— we're having a flash sale, two for one, two for one.
Eric: He's weaving— and just there's wind everywhere. His sailboat is going so fast, it's whipping in the wind and cutting in between all of these ships, because the pirates of the hold, be like—
Eric (as Orello): Make sure that you have all the supplies if you're gonna take down the Sea Whip pirates and Lucky Edie, you gotta be stocked up.
Julia: Wait, take down the Sea Whip pirates and Lucky Edie?
Eric (as Orello): There's cash on the line, folks. You don't want to be under supplied.
Julia: Oh, yeah. That makes sense. Yeah, they want to collect our bounties. That makes sense. That checks out.
Amanda (as Troy): That's fair. You can't blame them.
Eric (as Orello): They have the keys, too. Don't you want to be heroes? Kill the Sea Whip, save the world.
Amanda (as Troy): That's pretty catchy.
Julia: To be fair, this will be somewhat useful in taking down the zombies, because then they're just fodder for the zombies to like—
Amanda: Uh-hmm.
Julia: —hold back.
Eric: So this armada of pirate ships are also heading towards Kompos facility on a crash course.
Brandon: I have a wild shenanigan, y'all.
Julia: Oh.
Brandon: If somehow we get to Lake Encounter and somehow, luckily, we encounter Piney, and somehow either learn from them or kidnap them, we could make some stick figures of us—
Eric: Hmm.
Brandon: —as decoys.
Amanda: That's great.
Eric: Hmm.
Brandon: Or somehow, maybe even throw them onto the zombie ships, somehow.
Amanda: Yeah.
Brandon: And our friends at the hold will go kill the zombie ships instead of us.
Julia: (as Cammie): I think we could also fake our own deaths at some point. Just a suggestion.
Brandon (as Umbi): Why fake it when you could just do it?
Amanda (as Troy): Just for fun.
Julia (as Cammie): Hmm. Well, it's a great question to ask the man who just woke up and yelled, "I'm alive!" and is naked.
Brandon (as Umbi): I'm alive!
Amanda (as Troy): Let's go still from the second scariest lady we ever met.
Brandon (as Umbi): Who's the first?
Amanda (as Troy): Cammie.
Julia (as Cammie): Yeah.
Brandon (as Umbi): Okay.
Eric: Yeah. All right. So where are you going? So remember— so Lake—
Julia: Lake Encounter.
Amanda: Lake Encounter.
Eric: You're going to Lake Encounter. Okay. I want to remind you that Lake Encounter is in the same vicinity. I had said this before. It's like, you're going to an amusement park, and it's like shares of parking lot with the amusement park.
Amanda: Uh-hmm.
Julia: Yes.
Eric: I love it. We're returning to the scene of the crime, I love it.
Brandon: Do they happen to have any like— you know, like in Grand Theft Auto or something, where they have those, like, paint shops where you could just, like, fix up your car? Do you remember that?
Eric: I know exactly what you're talking about, yeah.
Brandon: Do we have any, like, fancy car washes that could help fix up Harold and Sil?
Eric: I think you— y'all just push them really hard lately. I mean, we're thinking about everything that's happened from, like, the last moments of when you escaped from the Kompos facility to, like, sell being needing to shove its— make the— the ship get all clean and stuff.
Brandon: Right, right.
Eric: I think they're just worn out.
Brandon: So just time?
Eric: Just time. You guy— y'all push them pretty hard over two arcs, so—
Amanda: If every exit is a hot exit, then nothing's hot at all. You know?
Brandon: That's true, Amanda.
Eric: Uh-hmm.
Brandon: That's why none of us are hot, because we're all hot.
Eric: Wow, you're not— wow, you're hot all the time.
Amanda: Uh-hmm.
Julia: Yeah.
Amanda: Uh-hmm.
Eric: All right, so we're heading back to the Book Depository and Lake Encounter. This is crazy.
Brandon: Wee!
Julia: Wee!
Eric: It's Lake Encounter. See a recreation of the Infinite Lake and the wish-granting salmon.
Brandon: Hell, yeah.
Eric: I'd written that in my notes for the Legends of Book Depository.
Julia: Damn.
Brandon (as Umbi): I hope there's more ceilings for me to blow up.
Eric: At this point, the line to get into Book Depository, like the line of ships, has extended all the way to the sign.
Brandon (as Umbi): Whoa.
Eric: And now there's, like, intentionally two lanes, is like, stay to the right if you're going to Lake Encounter. Stay to the left if you're going to the Book Depository. So you can weave around some family station wagon ships to get to Lake Encounter.
Julia: Cool.
Brandon: Iin the station wagon ships, do the seats face the back of the ship so the kids can sit there?
Eric: Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Julia: Those are the best seats, man.
Amanda: It's fairly unsafe, but very fine.
Julia: Pretty cool.
Eric: Yeah. And you can— so you take the right of the sign— I can't believe we're doing this.
Amanda: Several set of twins are, like, waving out of the back of the ship.
Eric: I can't believe we're doing this.
Amanda: One that flips you off, you're like, "Hey, that's a six-year-old. What?"
Brandon: That's when it's funniest to do it, though. Take advantage. Any six-year-olds listening, take advantage. It's funniest right now for you to flip people off.
Amanda: Say, "Mommy, Daddy, how do you flip the bird?"
Brandon: Yes.
Julia: Alexa, how do I flip the bird?
Eric: You take a right. You see two things immediately in front of you. One catches your eye because it's so, so big. There is just like a boat the size of an aircraft carrier, is just kind of floating and bobbing in the water. It is so long, it is almost the size of a little town, how long the ship is. Kind of from side to side, it would be like the size of like a main street in a town.
Brandon: Damn.
Eric: It is also something close to like an aircraft carrier. This seems to be like decommissioned— a decommissioned military ship that got— that, for some reason, is where Lake Encounter is.
Julia: Damn. Captain Copernicus Cobb, he's on there. He's there somewhere.
Eric: But in front of you, before you can pass, is a toll booth that is bobbing in the water with a little, like, hand that's extended down. And there's a sign, it says "tickets."
Amanda: Oh, can I answer the phone real quick?
Eric: Yeah, go ahead. All right, so guys, we're gonna unionize.
Julia: Okay.
Eric: And when Amanda comes back, we're going to demand that we're all as funny as Troy, and we're not going to stop until she seeds that to us.
Brandon: Hmm.
Julia: Are we all doing Troy impressions in the meantime? Is that what's happening?
Eric: Yeah.
Julia: Okay.
Eric: All right. So here's what you're going to see in front of you.
Brandon: What's up, bruh?
Julia: Oh, sick.
Amanda: Are you all doing impressions of me?
Julia: What? No. It's like—
Eric: No. What are you talking about?
Brandon: No way, man.
Eric: This is what I usually sound like.
Julia: We want to be like as cool as you.
Eric: We're all unionized to be as funny as Troy.
Troy: What's a union?
Julia: It's like when a bunch of things come together and then, like, they— they're stronger because of it.
Amanda: Like a club with your bruvs?
Julia: Yeah.
Amanda: Why would anyone be opposed to that?
Julia: I know, right? It's because sometimes people aren't in the club, and they get jealous, and they're mad that the club, like demands things from them, and they're like, "I'm just one person," but this is a whole group of people.
Brandon: Oh, of barrels.
Eric: The will of the many is more important than the price of the few.
Amanda: Troy's guide to unionizing your workplace.
Julia: Incredible. I think we nailed it. I think we nailed it.
Eric: Yeah, no, it's good. All right. Union disbanded. I think we got it.
Amanda: Good job, guys.
Eric: Yeah.
Amanda: You know how unions just disband when they achieve their goals—
Eric: Yeah, exactly. When they achieve their goals. And in the ticket booth is a patch of clover.
Julia: Cool.
Brandon: Ooh.
Eric: It's kind of like a another big square leaning out of the window of the toll booth.
Brandon: Any four leaves?
Eric: There's some five leaves in there.
Amanda: Brandon, we're not dating.
Julia: Whoa.
Eric (as Bare Bone): Oh, you're coming to Lake Encounter. Love it incredible. Thank you so much for coming. I'm a thoughtful gesture, Bare Bone. Very nice to meet you.
Brandon (as Umbi): I love your name.
Eric (as Bare Bone): Thank you. It was given to me by my father and my father's father.
Brandon (as Umbi): At the same time?
Eric (as Bare Bone): And all the way— all going back to when the beginning of Verda Stello began.
Brandon (as Umbi): Wow.
Eric (as Bare Bone): Wow.
Julia: Cammie just like stares into the distance.
Eric (as Bare Bone): All right. Well, who are y'all folks? There's no toll here other than you giving you giving me your name. And if you lie, the salmon will know.
Brandon (as Umbi): What do we do, Cammie?
Eric (as Bare Bone): So who are you?
Julia (as Cammie): Amity.
Eric (as Bare Bone): Amity? Oh, I recognize that name. Are you— you're out here on the seas from Open Fields?
Julia (as Cammie): Yep.
Eric (as Bare Bone): Oh, where are you from? I— you know, I got family all over Open Fields.
Julia (as Cammie): I'm from a town called Fruit in Hand.
Eric (as Bare Bone): Oh, I got like a third— I got third cousins from there.
Julia (as Cammie): Cool.
Eric (as Bare Bone): Oh, great. Were you there— I guess you're too young, but were you there when— oh, they had to— they had the lot— they had a lottery, and then there was a whole thing. Did you hear about that?
Julia (as Cammie): No.
Eric (as Bare Bone): No? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. The— they had to cast out one of the kids and then the kids had powers. Wild. That's how they knew.
Brandon (as Umbi): They cast out a child?
Eric (as Bare Bone): Yeah, they— the lots knew, the salmon must have figured it out. They— you walk the path and the— it's revealed to you. I tell you, it's wild.
Julia (as Cammie): Yeah, that child probably definitely deserved that. Anyway—
Eric (as Bare Bone): That's what I'm saying. I'm sure the child did. All right.
Julia (as Cammie): —would like to go inside.
Eric (as Bare Bone): All right? Amity and your— what's the name of your ship? Just so I can record it.
Brandon (as Umbi): The Triloba.
Eric (as Bare Bone): Are—
Amanda (as Troy): It used to be worse, but we recently, like, got it done.
Eric (as Bare Bone): I mean, I guess I— you know, I was gonna look on this— I could just look on the side of your ship, but it seems to have rotted away.
Julia (as Cammie): Yeah, it's a pretty bad ship.
Amanda (as Troy): Yeah.
Eric (as Bare Bone): I mean, I wasn't gonna say it, but you know—
Julia (as Cammie): We're working on it.
Eric (as Bare Bone): Yeah, you're working on it. We're working on it.
Julia (as Cammie): Yeah.
Eric (as Bare Bone): Well, I'm glad you came to Lake Encounter. All right. Come on in. Okay.
Julia (as Cammie): Thank you
Eric (as Bare Bone): It's great.
Amanda (as Troy): Thanks, Thoughtful!
Eric (as Bare Bone): Yeah. And no, thank Tessie the Storm for subsidizing your admission here today.
Amanda (as Troy): Uh-huh.
Julia (as Cammie): Yeah.
Brandon (as Umbi): Loves to subsidize her admission, if you know what I mean.
Amanda (as Troy): Uh-hmm.
Julia (as Cammie): Umbi, shut the fuck up.
Amanda: Troy is pulling away from the toll booth.
Eric: Is Umbi still naked?
Julia: (as Cammie): He's working with what the Planter gave him.
Eric: He's like—
Eric (as Bare Bone): All right. I'm gonna meet you there. Just— I'm gonna be— I'm gonna meet you there. I'm gonna see if anyone's coming for this tour and I'll be there in a minute.
Brandon (as Umbi): There's a tour?
Eric (as Bare Bone): Of course, there's a tour. You're here to see Lake Encounter.
Brandon (as Umbi): Oh, great.
Julia (as Cammie): Yeah, but we can give ourselves a tour. You don't have to bother.
Amanda (as Troy): Yeah, we can—
Julia (as Cammie): We're very self-sufficient.
Amanda (as Troy): We can just hang out.
Julia (as Cammie): Which is something that the Planter gave us.
Amanda (as Troy): I love to read, so I can read all the signs.
Brandon (as Umbi): That's true.
Eric (as Bare Bone): Hmm, hmm. All right. Well, you know, the next tour starts in 10. You can— you'll check out what's around there.
Brandon (as Umbi): Okay.
Eric (as Bare Bone): You can hang out in the lobby, look around, see what's going on. I— the tour starts in 10, so I'll be there. It's no bother. It's my job.
Amanda (as Troy): Okay.
Julia: (as Cammie): Okay.
Eric (as Bare Bone): All right, come on through.
Eric: And then, again, you are in just open water, and the toll booth arm goes up.
Amanda: Hell yeah.
Brandon: As we sail away--
Brandon (as Umbi): How many people just go around?
Eric: They don't. The people who come to Lake Encounter wait for it—
Julia: Damn right.
Eric: Yeah. All right. So yeah, as you get closer and closer, this is a decommissioned military ship. It is so big.
Julia (as Cammie): We're absolutely gonna find the things we need here.
Amanda (as Troy): What if we took the whole ship?
Brandon (as Umbi): How are we gonna take the whole ship?
Julia (as Cammie): A wild concept, Troy. I'm not bad at it.
Brandon (as Umbi): I am.
Amanda (as Troy): Drive it away. You think anyone tried to drive it away?
Brandon (as Umbi): You want to—
Amanda (as Troy): Why would they put a lock on a thing that's so big? No one will want to take it.
Brandon (as Umbi): Oh, we get in the ship, and then we drag our ship behind it, not the other way around.
Amanda (as Troy): Yeah.
Julia (as Cammie): Like a little raft.
Brandon (as Umbi): Like a little raft.
Amanda (as Troy): Umbi, it's called towing.
Brandon (as Umbi): Towing. Eric, can we do that?
Eric: Let's see. See, y'all can pull up to there. There is a ladder that comes down off the side of the ship in kind of, like a designated parking zone with some buoys around, and there's like a rope ladder that kind of— that spirals down off of the— off of this decommissioned military vessel. There, y'all could hop up.
Julia (as Cammie): Tie the Sea Whip to that ladder, first step.
Amanda: Yeah, so— absolutely, yeah. Just in case I sort of, like lash it to the side of the boat.
Eric: Sure.
Amanda: The equivalent of, like parking in a fire zone, but that's fine.
Eric: No, I got it. No, I understand. You're parking in front of a fire hydrant, for sure.
Amanda: Uh-hmm.
Amanda (as Troy): Havana, could you take a look and make sure that the body of our fallen comrade—
Amanda: Wipes away tear.
Amanda (as Troy): —is okay?
Eric (as Havana): Yeah, I can— yes, I can stay here if you'd like me to. I can tend to Harold and Sil, they seem— they're tired. I'll— they need a little bit—
Julia (as Cammie): Yeah, they need a little help.
Amanda (as Troy): That'd be nice.
Brandon (as Umbi): Yeah.
Eric (as Havana): Yeah.
Amanda (as Troy): And guard my puppy with your life, right?
Eric (as Havana): Yeah. Always. Of course.
Amanda (as Troy): Yeah, that's right.
Brandon (as Umbi): If anyone comes onto this ship, you stab them in the neck with a needle full of poison, okay?
Eric (as Havana): Always. I have my needle full of poison right here.
Brandon (as Umbi): Great. Thank you.
Eric (as Havana): Jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle.
Brandon (as Umbi): I taught you well.
Amanda: I keep it on the keychain for easy access.
Julia: All right. We're scrambling on.
Eric: Cool.
Julia: We're brimbling and brambling on.
Eric: Yeah, you can go up on the ladder of this military— of this decommissioned military vessel, this, like, aircraft carrier size thing. It's just like the— it looks like the lobby of a bad museum up there.
Julia: Uh-hmm.
Eric: There are just— kind of out in little huts, are various, quote-unquote, "religious salmon artifacts."
Julia: Okay.
Eric: Narrating the creation of Verda Stello by the Planter, and then the creation of the salmon, and then the salmon finding the Infinite Lake and just hanging out there.
Julia: Cool. And these are all, like, supposedly, relics on display?
Eric: There's some relics. There's dioramas illustrating the story. It's a lot of like, "This is a ship that— of a guy who once saw the salmon." And then there's, like, a big blown up picture of his— of this captain's journal. It was like, "I saw the salmon. It was wild. I was awestruck. And then we never saw him again." Lots of stuff— there's, like, piece— yeah, pieces of ships and stuff. A lot of— there's a lot of dioramas kind of illustrating this creation myth of Verda Stello. However, there's also lots of signs everywhere, most of them pointing to see the truest recreation of the salmon that exists in Verda Stello. Lots of signs that are pointing, like, inside.
Julia: Like down the hall?
Eric: Down the— yeah, into the ship. There's also a sign for, like, an admin office and for a gift shop. There's like one sign pointing in a different direction, but most of the sides, just lots of arrows pointing to the truest recreation of the salmon that anyone can attest to on Verda Stello.
Brandon (as Umbi): Should we split up? What do we do?
Julia (as Cammie): Yeah, probably.
Amanda (as Troy): Yeah. I want to see what the salmon is, and then I want to see the control room.
Julia (as Cammie): Okay.
Brandon (as Umbi): I could pretend to be a senile old man go into the admin office.
Julia (as Cammie): Admin offices? Yeah.
Amanda (as Troy): Oh, that'd be great.
Julia: (as Cammie): I'd like to read— I want to see if this guy was legit.
Amanda (as Troy): Here.
Amanda: Troy hands over the glasses.
Brandon: You know you're gonna go in there and it's just gonna be manatee.
Amanda: Yeah. You know it's gonna be a museum intern typing it in Microsoft Word.
Julia: (as Cammie): That's fine.
Julia: I know, I know what I'm about, son. Just want to see.
Amanda: That's cool. So yeah, why don't— why doesn't Julia examine this outer layer?
Brandon: Please examine.
Julia: Yeah.
Amanda: Umbi goes to the admin and Troy will go in to see what the salmon is.
Julia: That sounds good.
Eric: Cool.
Julia: I'm going to do— first thing is I'm going to cast a first level spell.
Eric : Uh-hmm.
Julia: I'm going to detect magic in this room. I want to see if anything's legit.
Eric: Okay. Cammie, nothing is legitimate here.
Julia: Cool. Great.
Eric: Nothing has any sort of magical vibes. Nothing has any sort of resonance, no sense, no taste, nothing.
Julia: Great. Okay.
Eric: Just a bowl of mashed potatoes with no butter or salt.
Julia: Excellent. And then I'm gonna read the journal entry about this guy who met the salmon, apparently.
Eric: Okay. So you put the glasses on again, the world falls out from underneath you, and you go, "Whomp." And you are in a cramped captain's quarters.
Julia: Okay.
Eric: You're kind of standing in the doorway. There's too many people shoved in this tiny captain's quarters. It is about the size of, like, a very small college dorm, and everyone's kind of like huddled around the crappy desk. And there is this really sweaty sweet potato—
Julia: Uh-hmm.
Eric: —that is writing, and there's a bunch of, like, menacing pirates standing around, including someone who's taking up the majority of this space, is a giant dragon tree with blood red sap. Of course, the most recognizable and famous pirate of all time, Crimson Larceny, the pirate who made it closer to the salmon.
Julia: Cool.
Brandon: Hell yeah.
Eric (as Crimson Larceny): All right. So here's what you're gonna write. You're gonna write that you saw the salmon and that it was awesome, and then I'm gonna kill you.
Julia (as Cammie): Yeah, get him.
Eric (as Crimson Larceny): I don't need an audience to know that I'm already doing the right thing.
Julia (as Cammie): Well, you have a whole audience, so—
Eric (as Crimson Larceny): And I got a lot—
Julia (as Cammie): —I'm just encouraging.
Eric (as Crimson Larceny): Oh, don't worry, I got my boys here to do the killing.
Eric (as Dragon tree): Yeah, there's us, here.
Julia (as Cammie): Yeah. Hey, so I'm Cammie. I'm just wondering why you're getting this man to write that he saw the salmon. Is it so that no one else knows that you found the salmon?
Eric (as Crimson Larceny): Alas, can you hold on a second? He's not writing what I want him to.
Julia (as Cammie): Yeah.
Eric: Just using the weird branches of this dragon tree, just goes—
Eric (as Crimson Larceny): Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah!
Eric: It's like—
Eric (as Crimson Larceny): Now you got more eyes to see what you're writing.
Julia (as Cammie): Cool. Fun.
Eric (as Dragon tree]): All right. I'll do it, I'll do it.
Brandon: 'Cause he's a potato.
Eric (as Dragon tree): I was awestruck by seeing the salmon.
Julia (as Cammie): Cool.
Eric (as Crimson Larceny): Sorry. What was that last— I got— I forgot what you were saying while I was doing my things.
Julia (as Cammie): I was just wondering why you were telling him to write all this down. Is it because you found the salmon but you don't want anyone to know that you found the salmon?
Eric (as Crimson Larceny): Well, of course, I want people to know the salmon, but no one should see the salmon.
Julia (as Cammie): Why?
Eric (as Crimson Larceny): Well, it's too much. It's too much to bear.
Julia: (as Cammie): Have you seen it?
Eric (as Crimson Larceny): You look into its sweet eyes.
Julia (as Cammie): Have you been driven mad by the salmon?
Eric (as Crimson Larceny): Well, it's debatable whether or not I was driven bad by it, but I'm sure it contributed to it. Da, da, da, da, ,da, da, da, da, da!
Eric: Just stabbing the potato— the sweet potato more.
Julia (as Cammie): Just real quick, where is it?
Eric (as Crimson Larceny): Oh, it's at the Infinite Lake.
Julia: (as Cammie): Yeah, but— okay. But we already know that.
Eric (as Crimson Larceny): Well, you gotta find the keys, of course.
Julia: (as Cammie): I found all the keys.
Eric (as Crimson Larceny): You did?
Julia: (as Cammie): Yeah.
Eric (as Crimson Larceny): Incredible. Good job.
Julia: (as Cammie): Thanks. So— and then I— where do I go?
Eric (as Crimson Larceny): In.
Julia (as Cammie): In? Have you been to South Kompos?
Eric (as Crimson Larceny): Is that a university? Is that a learning school?
Julia (as Cammie): No, it's a town, a city.
Eric (as Crimson Larceny): I haven't.
Julia: (as Cammie): Oh. So where did you find the Salmon?
Eric (as Crimson Larceny): Oh, there were— oh, was that the— with the ruins? That's what it was called?
Julia: (as Cammie): Yeah, yeah.
Eric (as Crimson Larceny): Huh.
Julia: (as Cammie): Okay.
Eric (as Crimson Larceny): You know, I didn't spend— we didn't spend much time seeing it. It's— the problem is the brine, lass. You gotta stay away from the brine.
Julia: (as Cammie): Yes. No, we already figured that out, but thank you.
Eric (as Crimson Larceny): Oh, well, you know then?
Julia: (as Cammie): Yeah. Okay, great. I'm just confirming that I was in the right place.
Eric (as Crimson Larceny): Well, when if you're in the brine, it drives you mad.
Julia: (as Cammie): Oh, it hasn't done that to me. We weren't in there that long, I don't think. Unless I might be mad.
Eric (as Crimson Larceny): Well, then, don't go into the brine, lass. Stay away from the salmon. That's what I'm doing— what I'm doing.
Julia: (as Cammie): I might be mad.
Eric (as Crimson Larceny): This sap wasn't so bloody red before.
Julia (as Cammie): All right. You seem cool. Love you.
Julia: Cammie kisses him on the cheek, and yoinks back out.
Eric (as Crimson Larceny): Goodbye. Da, da, da, da, ,da, da, da, da!
Eric: When a door closes to do that voice, a window opens.
Julia: Yep. Yep. You're the one who closed the door.
Eric: I know, it was me. I'm like, "Ah, I'm at home."
Julia: Yeah.
Eric: "But what if I open— but it's too hot in here, what if I open a window?"
Amanda: I like it drafty. That's Eric.
Eric: Yeah, that's me. All right. What else?
Amanda: Yeah, and Julia, you should wait around in case the tour guide comes.
Julia: Yeah. And you all are having tummy troubles, so you stayed on the ship?
Brandon: Yeah, why not?
Julia: Yeah.
Brandon (as Umbi): Oh, man, I gotta find the bathroom because I'm old and my bladder doesn't work so good. I stumble this way and that way.
Eric (as Helpful Bare Bone): Oh.
Julia (as Cammie): It's his prostate.
Eric (as Helpful Bare Bone): I can help you. I can help you.
Eric: There's a smaller batch of clover with a big green bow and wearing a big, poofy dress.
Eric (as Helpful Bare Bone): can help you, sir. I'm here to be helpful.
Brandon (as Umbi): Kid—
Eric (as Helpful Bare Bone): My— that's why my name is Helpful Bare Bone. Where do you need—
Brandon (as Umbi): Kid—
Eric (as Helpful Bare Bone): Where would you need to go to the bathroom?
Brandon (as Umbi): Kid, shut up. I don't mean to be rude, but I'm gonna be—
Eric (as Helpful Bare Bone): You're— I know, you're gonna pee yourself. I respect my elders.
Brandon (as Umbi): No, I'm old—
Eric (as Helpful Bare Bone): The bathroom is this way.
Eric: And the child—
Brandon (as Umbi): I'm old—
Eric: The little patch of clover grabs your hand and tries to tug you.
Brandon: I shake it off.
Eric: Okay.
Eric (as Helpful Bare Bone): Why don't you want to go to the bathroom.
Brandon (as Umbi): I'm old and I don't like to listen to people under the age of 86. Please leave my area.
Eric (as Helpful Bare Bone): Okay. Well, if you need an— I just don't want you to poo yourself. That's why they call me Helpful Bare Bone, because I'm helpful.
Brandon (as Umbi): It will be— what will be, what will be.
Eric (as Helpful Bare Bone): Okay. Well, the bathroom's this way. When you're ready to go to the bathroom, I'll escort you.
Brandon (as Umbi): Okay, goodbye.
Eric (as Helpful Bare Bone): Okay.
Brandon (as Umbi): And I walk into the admin office.
Amanda: Oh, what a sweetie.
Brandon (as Umbi): That's not where the bathroom is. That's where the— that's where my parents have the office.
Brandon: Slam the door.
Eric: You just walked into the admin office and slam the door?
Brandon: Yeah.
Eric: Helpful Bare Bone just like peak— there's like a window through the door and just like you see their eyes peeking in them, peeking in through there. It's just a crappy office. There's like two IKEA chairs and desks and papers everywhere.
Brandon: Anything that might be useful for our gas situation?
Eric: If you want to look around, there's nothing in here that's— obviously, there isn't, like a tank of NOS in the corner.
Amanda: Batteries, petty cash, extra Sharpies. Any of those.
Eric: There's— all of those things are there. There is a— there is petty— there's petty cash and Sharpies.
Brandon: I'm gonna steal the doublooms.
Eric (as Helpful Bare Bone): Hey, that's not the bathroom. That's where we do at— where— that's where we do addition.
Brandon: I'm gonna take the— do addition. I'm gonna take the Sharpies, draw a mustache on myself.
Eric: Okay.
Brandon: And assuming there's nothing else, Eric.
Eric: Okay.
Brandon: There— is there nothing else I can take or—
Eric: I mean, you can investigate. Do a check.
Brandon: Oh, yeah. Okay. I'll do an investigation check.
Eric: Sure.
Amanda: You should tell her that it would be helpful if she kept her secret, or if she like played hide and seek.
Brandon: Oh, don't worry, Amanda. Kids are stupid.
Amanda: Okay.
Brandon: 14 total.
Eric: 14?
Brandon: Yeah.
Julia: This child has a strong moral code, just as a fair warning to you.
Eric: Yeah. You find the evacuation plans if, like, the fire— if a fire breaks out, or if the salmon becomes real and tells people to do stuff, and— which is included with a floor plan.
Julia: If the salmon becomes real? Damn.
Brandon: I take it.
Eric: And there's our instructions on how to turn the engine of this decommissioned military vessel on.
Brandon: I take that, too.
Julia: Ooh, that's helpful.
Eric: Yeah, you can grab that.
Brandon: I put those two pieces of paper in my coat pocket.
Amanda: Leave the cash.
Brandon: Take the cash, put that in my coat pocket. I take a Sharpie, I draw a mustache on myself. I walk back out the door taller than you've ever seen Umbi walk in his life, and he says—
Brandon (as Umbi): Well, hello, madam. What is your name? I am Sir Wellington of Bramblebor.
Julia: Solid, solid. I don't think there's anything wrong with that. Perfect disguise.
Eric (as Helpful Bare Bone): Hello. Did you see the old man who walked in here?
Brandon (as Umbi): Old man? But I am but a youthful monarch of Bramblebor. Is that what I said?
Julia: Yeah, bitch.
Eric (as Helpful Bare Bone): Oh, okay. Did you need to find the bathroom? Someone was asking about that earlier.
Brandon (as Umbi): No, I am— see— you see young lady, I— when people are so rich and so wealthy, they take you in the back exit to these kinds of places.
Julia: Yeah, that's true.
Brandon (as Umbi): So I came in through the back way.
Eric (as Helpful Bare Bone): Okay. I guess— well, if you need anything, you can ask me.
Brandon (as Umbi): Thank you. You're such a wonderful young lady.
Eric: Bud.
Julia: Give her a nickel.
Brandon (as Umbi): Here's a nickel.
Brandon: And I—
Eric: All right. I'm going to roll to see if she believes you, what's happening here.
Brandon: Okay.
Amanda: I think she'd be so polite that she wouldn't bust the fiction, even if she did though.
Julia: Yeah.
Brandon: Can I roll a deception check?
Eric: Yes, you can absolutely roll a deception check. And I'm gonna roll an insight check.
Brandon: [dice roll] I got a 14 total.
Eric: Great. I'm not gonna tell you what I rolled.
Brandon: Okay.
Eric: I'm gonna take a photo, though, so you know I'm not cheating.
Brandon: Well, that can't be good.
Eric: And we'll come back to that.
Amanda: Tough.
Brandon (as Umbi): Well, madam, it's been a wonderful time meeting you. Thank you for your aid and wisdom. I'm going to leave now.
Eric (as Helpful Bare Bone): Oh, all right, I'm going to go back to helping people, because that's my name, because you haven't met me before, I'm Helpful Bare Bone.
Brandon (as Umbi): Tally-ho.
Eric (as Helpful Bare Bone): okay.
Brandon: And I walk away?
Amanda: We should make Brandon do British voices more.
Eric: And you walk away.
Brandon: And I rejoin with Cammie.
Eric: Okay.
Brandon: With a Sharpie mustache on.
Julia: And Cammie goes—
Julia: (as Cammie): Who are you?
Eric: Troy, remind me what you were doing.
Amanda: Troy followed the signs to see the salmon. If only where this easy in episode one, it'd be over.
Brandon: Yeah. What if this is the actual salmon that we just fucked around for 60 episodes?
Eric: Troy, you followed the signs, and you go into the ship.
Amanda: Uh-hmm.
Eric: And the signs keep pointing you farther and farther down.
Amanda: Uh-hmm.
Eric: And then finally, it kind of opens up into a large— what could have been a large cargo bay.
Amanda: Uh-hmm.
Eric: And there's more and more signs pointing you towards kind of this little above ground pool. And there's a big sign that says, "Finally, the most accurate recreation of the salmon ever in the history of Verda Stello."
Amanda (as Troy): I gotta be honest, I've been wondering what a salmon is.
Eric: And Troy, you walk up to this display, and floating in this pool, delicately, safely, calmly, is a patch of jetsam with googly eyes on it.
Brandon: Fuck you, Eric.
Julia: Uh-hmm.
[theme]