Join the Party is a D&D actual play podcast with tangible worlds, genre-pushing storytelling, and collaborators who make each other laugh each week. We welcome everyone to the table, from longtime players to folks who’ve never touched a roleplaying game before. Begin with Campaign 2 (The Join Campaign) for a modern, sci-fi superhero game, or marathon all of Campaign 1 (The Party Campaign) for a high fantasy story. And once a month we release the Afterparty, where we answer your questions about the show and how we play the game. New episodes every Tuesday.

Transcript

Amanda: It is wintertime, the air is crisp, the trees are blanketed in snow. But in the concrete jungle in New York City, there's still plenty for mischievous little goats to nibble on. [everyone snickering] All over the city, there are delicious smells wafting at your tiny wet little noses from vendors selling hot dogs and roasted peanuts and churros. In Central Park, there are kids sledding on gentle hills. Among the peers of the South Street Seaport. Seagulls are dipping and whirling on the wind. And across the Brooklyn Bridge, couples stroll mitten hand in mitten hand through the picturesque flurries. But one section of the city is busier than all the others. In the beating heart of Manhattan, for almost a mile along the main artery of Broadway, people are crammed shoulder to shoulder. There are no cars, there are no trucks, just throngs and throngs of people. Many of them have been there all day already and it's almost sunset camped out with chairs and blankets and even bottles of pee. Gross. Hundreds of headset-wearing people are rushing around the streets setting up bright hot lights and big honking cameras. Most of the attention seems to be around this big shiny, something hoisted up high in the air. And in the middle of all the commotion, separated–

Eric: Oh, my god.

[laughter]

Amanda: –separated from the crowd by many barriers and even more security guards, a small white man with blue eyes and silver hair has collapsed onto the canvas chair.

Julia: Oh no.

Amanda: People are scurrying nervously all around him. Because it's New Year's Eve. Anderson Cooper got too drunk [laughing] and snuck in goats to crash the party.

Julia: Oh, no.

Amanda: ONE SHOT GOAT PARTY, PART 2!

All: Whooo!

Amanda: Eric, are you okay?

Eric: I leave for five minutes. And this is what happens. Alright. Yeah. Let's okay. Yeah.

Amanda: Welcome, everybody. Welcome to Goat Party. Hello, Eric. Hello, Julia. Hello, Brandon. Hello, Lauren Shippen, and welcome to the show!

Lauren: Thank you. Hello!

Eric: Hooray!

Amanda: Very happy for you to be here. Are you excited to be another mischievous little goat?

Lauren: I am so excited. I love being a mischievous little goat.

Amanda: Well, we are, after all, playing goat crashers by Grant Howitt, which we are so excited to bring back to the show where your objective really is just to be a cheeky little goat that wants to party, and for some reason that humans are like upset that there are goats crashing the party.

Lauren: So rude.

Amanda: So you have to get into the heart of the party by any means necessary and just have a good time.

Brandon: Humans ruin everything.

Julia: That's true.

Brandon: That's my stance.

Lauren: Yeah. Everybody should be goats.

Eric: And Lauren, can we choose one of three episodes after this to figure out what happens at the end of Goat Party?

Lauren: Yes, absolutely.

Julia: Sounds good. Sounds fair.

Lauren: We'll all be able to choose which goat wins.

Amanda: I love it.

Julia: We have to record three separate endings, let’s go.

Amanda: Speaking of which, let's get into it, folks. Let's figure out who you are, your cheeky little goat selves. So the way that we roll characters here is you're going to roll a D6 to figure out what type of goat you are, what your favorite goat thing to do is, and then a D10. To figure out your mission. What do you want to do at the party? So let's begin with our guest, Lauren, why don't you tell us all about your goat?

Lauren: Alright, I am a fancy goat.

Julia: Oooh!

Amanda: Yeah.

Eric: Yeah!

Lauren: My favorite thing to do is eating stuff or just tasting it. And--

Brandon: You're not gonna say you crave that mineral? I'm gonna have to do that?

Lauren: Damn! Still waking up. And let's see, I want to be interviewed by Tatler for the society pages, which makes sense because I'm a fancy goat.

Brandon: What the fuck is Tatler?

Eric: Like the--

Amanda: British tabloid.

Lauren: It's like a gossip rag.

Julia: Yeah, yeah.

Eric: Like Page Six.

Amanda: Here's it's Page Six. Yeah.

Lauren: Yeah.

Brandon: Okay, yeah.

Amanda: Excellent. Julia, why don't you tell us all about your goat self?

Julia: Great.

Eric: Wait, what about TMZ? But the Z is for zoo because it's for animals?

Julia: Perfect.

Brandon: The Main...

Lauren: I want to be interviewed by TMZ.

Brandon: The Main Zoo.

Julia: Too Much Zoo.

Brandon: Too Much Zoo. That seems better, Julia, coming thru.

Julia: Alright, my goat is– [dice roll] also a fancy goat.

Amanda: Yay!

Julia: My favorite goat thing to do is bleat loudly, center of attention, my goat. Love that

Amanda: Love it.

Julia: And then what I want to do at this party, [dice roll] all I want to do at this party is steal a bunch of canapés and give them to my mom. My mom also wants to be fancy and eat some canapés.

Amanda: Incredible.

Lauren: Hell, yes.

Brandon: Man, I need to meet your mom. She sounds cool.

Julia: Yeah, she seems real dope.

Amanda: Brandon, tell us about your goat?

Brandon: Okay, I am a pygmy goat. [high-pitched voice] I'm a little pigmy goat.

Lauren: Oh! Little pigmy goaaaat!

Amanda: That was Lauren last time, right?

Lauren: Yeah!

Amanda: You got lost awwww you were so small.

Lauren: Expert in smallness.

Brandon: My favorite thing to do is to make a mockery of physical barriers–

Amanda: Ohhh, yes.

Brandon: –because I'm so fucking small.

Amanda: You can stand on top of anything.

Brandon: And then what I want to do in the party is hobnob with the rich and famous which is correct.

Julia: Yeah!

Amanda: I have great news for you, which is that you'll have some chances. Eric, tell us about your goat!

Eric: Alright, here we go. [dice roll]

Amanda: Here we go.

Eric: I'm so nervous. Oh, hell yeah. I'm gonna say Satanic Goat.

Julia: Ooh!

Brandon: Beautiful.

Lauren: Heck, yes.

Julia: That’s what you were the last time, right, Brandon?

Eric: I'm gonna be a cult. I also love eating stuff.

Lauren: Nice!

Eric: But I feel like I like eating, you know, devilish things and brains.

Brandon: Souls.

Eric: And what I want to do at the party is [dice roll] I also want to be interviewed by Tatler. But I'll- again, I want to be interviewed by demonic Tatler.

Amanda: Excellent.

Eric: Page 666, thank you.

Julia: There we go!

[All talking]

Julia: I love that for you.

Brandon: End the show, we're done.

Julia: We're done, that's it. That's all we need.

Amanda: Yeah, good. Glad it was not stressful.

Eric: Think about all the things I get to do, all the dumb jokes I get to say when I don't have to think about like, plot or characters or things hanging together. It's awesome.

Brandon: Eric, have you ever listened to our show?

Eric: No, I have. I just-- this is how the other side the other half lives. It's so nice.

Brandon: You make jokes all the time.

Amanda: Yeah, and let's go around and share our names. Lauren, what is the name of your fancy goat who loves eating stuff and wants to be interviewed by Too Much Zoo.

Lauren: So you know how like, rich people name their kids like, after like objects and stuff. I'm going to be RAM-E-KIN. Ramekin.

Brandon: Nice.

Eric: Nice.

Julia: So good.

Amanda: Julia, who's this fancy goat who loves to bleat loudly and wants to steal canapés.

Julia: This is Whitney Bleat-erthon?

[snickers]

Amanda: Yes.

Brandon: Very good. Well done.

Amanda: I love the family resemblance there. Very good. Okay, Brandon, how about the pygmy goat who can make a mockery of any physical barrier and wants to hobnob?

Brandon: Well, I was- I was Googling cute goat names last night and the one that was stuck in my head was my goat's name is Buckwheat.

Eric: Oh, that's a good one.

Brandon (as Buckwheat): I'm Buckwheat!

Amanda: Little Buckwheat! And Eric how about the satanic goat who also loves to eat satanic things and wants to be interviewed by Page 666?

Eric: Oh, man! I think it's really important that I herald back to my demonic roots and I heard that Damien was already taken so I can't do that. So I'm gonna do, Kevin??

Julia: There's two question marks after that.

Lauren: With a question mark.

Lauren and Julia: Yeah.

Eric: Kevin??

Julia: Kevin??

Lauren: Yeah.

Eric: Like you need be-- you have to be down the hall wondering what I'm doing is my name.

Julia: Why are you standing at the end of that hallway chanting mischievously, Kevin??

[Eric as Kevin?? chanting]

All: Kevin??

Amanda: So good.

Julia: Like, we're always surprised to see you. Kevin??

Eric: Kevin?? I also do have a character voice which I've been I've been working on and I would love to share with all of you.

Amanda: Now or is it gonna come out in situ?

Eric: Oh, no, I just want to-- I'm sitting on it. I can do it.

Brandon: Oh, you just-- you just teasing us.

Lauren: Warning us.

[everybody laughing]

Amanda: Well, just as a reminder for our players here, and anybody at home who has not yet played this fabulous game, link in the description which you should totally go ahead and pay what you wish to buy it. This is how the game works. Whenever you want to do something risky, you're going to roll two D6. if it is your goat skill, you can also add two D6. And if you're doing your favorite goat thing, you can add two more D6. Anything that's a roll of a 4 or above is a success. Anything 3 or below is a failure. And at the same time, I'm going to be keeping track of all of the risky stuff you are doing at this party. And the more risky stuff you do, the greater our chaos pool grows, this is representing partygoers getting suspicious like–

Amanda (as Partygoer): Hey, aren’t those goats crashing this party.

Amanda: And when you do something sneaky and pull it off, though, I get to take one out of the pool. So the better you do, the smaller it goes. And every time you roll, I roll the chaos pool as well and subtract any of my successes from your successes.

Brandon: And it's on 4, 5, or 6 on the individual dice, is that right?

Amanda: That's right.

Brandon: Okay.

Amanda: So you count the total number of successes or failures.

Brandon: Great.

Amanda: Right. And don't forget guys once per session you're allowed to PAR-TY hard!

Julia: Whoop!

Amanda: This is where you access the power of chaos grabbing all the dice in the chaos pool and adding them to your roll so not 2 4 or 6 D6, but however many is in the chaos pool as well and I have nothing, I have nothing left so I can't even roll against you. Because you get to harness the- the chaos and the party power and just do what you want to do with basically.

Julia: Hihihihi.

Brandon: Chaos and rolls.

Amanda: Alright.

[snickers]

Eric: Go on.

Julia: What about Chaos Emeralds?

Eric: What about them?

Brandon: The each individual dice in the chaos pool are chaos emeralds and we get to steal them from Robotnik when we when we party hard and then we eat chili dogs?

Lauren: Hell yeah.

Julia: If we don't get chili dogs at the end of this what's the point?

Amanda: I love it.

Eric: What I think is nice is that they just took that and they made that the basis of all of the Sonic movies, past present, and future. Like they can be any– that can be any of them, it's that.

Amanda: And there's one final roll before we get started which is what is secretly going on at the party.

Brandon: Oooh!

Amanda: D6 for me. [dice roll] Okay, it's pretty good.

Brandon: Oh, it's a secret!

Lauren: Oh!

Amanda: It's a secret. Alright, folks. It is Times Square. It is New Year's Eve. Anderson Cooper is too drunk and we are going to pick up on 6th Avenue, just a block east of where all of the shenanigans are beginning to pop off. Some nice little goats, it is a little after sunset. We have a couple hours to go till the- the ball comes down. But there is a lot happening in Times Square. There are revelers just thronged behind barriers in the middle of Times Square like in the part where the streets cross and it's the square part. There's those big TKTS steps those big red steps there's a little platform or Anderson is- is trying– PAs trying to sober him up before he needs to start his broadcast. The ball is hanging high above everybody's heads and the businesses along Time Square are also open there. They have like different kinds of VIP scenarios, different stuff going on. There is a buffet in Margaritaville, Forever 21 is having like a makeup, you know makeover bar. The Olive Garden is giving out breadsticks. And...

[laughter]

Julia: Do those count as canapés, breadsticks? I’m not sure.

[everyone laughing]

Amanda: Julia, there are tiny fancy breadsticks in the VIP section. And you all are beginning on the southern part of Time Square you're right on 42nd Street which is of course shut down for the revelry. You can see the all the big billboards and everything in front of you. If you're picturing almost like a video game like Anderson has the end of the level he's up by 49th Street right under the ball on his little platform. And there are a lot of people and a lot of good smells in between you and the heart of the party, the heart of the cards which is Anderson himself. So let's pick up there, my sweet goats what looks interesting to you?

Julia: Goat master– Go ahead, Brandon. Go ahead.

Brandon: Mine is unimportant so it doesn’t matter. Very importantly, Amanda.

Amanda: Yes?

Brandon: What year is this? Because I need to know if there's Crumbs?

Lauren: Oh yeah, yeah, yeah.

Brandon: Are we talking as a Levi's store is this pre-post the Counter Burger that's up on the-

Lauren: Is the M&M store open?

Brandon: Is the M&M store open?

Eric: Is Guy Fierie's restaurant still there?

Brandon: Thank you, thank you.

Eric: The Bubba Gump Shrimp has always been there-

Julia: Yeah.

Eric: -even before recorded history.

Julia: Yeah, yeah.

Eric: So don't worry about it.

Lauren: They built Times Square around Bubba Gump Shrimp.

Julia: Is RIP Jekyll Hyde still around? That's the.

Lauren: Did Jekyll and Hyde close?

Julia: Oh, yes.

Amanda: Oh, Lauren.

Lauren: So sad.

Amanda: I'm sorry to break this news to you in the middle of our recording session. We are on the eve of 2016 before it all went and there's an alternate universe ahead of us where anything is possible. Sweet, sweet goats can be president and yes the crumbs bakery is there in all its glory.

Brandon: Nice!

Julia: Now, goat master.

Amanda: That's me.

Julia: Do we as goats here in Times Square know that Anderson Cooper is very drunk right now?

Amanda: There should be the broadcast starting and the broadcast has not yet started. They are continuing to just kind of have local news anchors be like--

Amanda (as News Anchor): [nervously] Lots of excitement here, folks. Uhhh... yeah, it's, it's it's 930. ummmm... We'll, good stuff for you later. Here's a pre-taped musical performance from Florida. uhhhh... okay. uuuuh, yeah.

Brandon: Vamping on air.

Lauren: Nightmare.

Eric: Here is Goyte again.

[laughing]

Amanda: Well, there is definitely an air of 'what's going on?' and lots of attention, lots of craning necks, as people are kind of trying to look to the front of Times Square to Northern side and see what's going on.

Lauren: Gotcha.

Julia: I think as a fancy goat, the idea of getting a makeover at Forever. 21 is very appealing to me.

[Brandon snickers]

Amanda: Yep.

Lauren: Yeah.

Brandon: I think we should always lay out our intentions, right? So we can formulate a plan. My goat feels like because he wants to hobnob with rich or famous. Just getting as quickly to Anderson Cooper as fast as possible is the plan there. What about you?

Lauren: Yes, I want to do the same thing because I think that if Anderson Cooper is drunk and not doing the broadcast, that's going to be a big gossip story. And so reporters are definitely-

Julia: Yes!

Lauren: -going to be over there. I do like the idea of a makeover too. But I think I showed up very fancy. Little bowtie, you know? little bow my hair just lots of bows.

Amanda: So cute.

[quiet chuckling]

Julia: I feel like if anything, the best course of action for me getting many many canapés is-- Anderson Cooper is the most important person here. Obviously, you're going to give him the best food and the best canapés. So...

Eric: I feel like a lot of us are food motivated and also our characters.

All: Yeah.

Eric: So here's my- here, I also really want to start out by like, if this was the beginning of the video game level, somehow we jump out of a yellow cab.

[everyone laughing]

Lauren: Little hooves clopping on the pavement.

Eric: That's how it loads in and I think that Kevin?? would turn to the three of you. And of course, this trade deleted from goat.

Amanda: Yes.

Eric: It would be something like--

Eric (as Kevin): [in a very deep, like from the nether world voice] I think that our best course of action is if we go in through Olive Garden because that is where we can get a lot of snacks. And also, if I killed someone I can use their blood as a teleportation for us to get exactly where we want to go.

Brandon (as Buckwheat): [in a smol goat voice] Kevin?? Can you please? Can you please not close the door? I'm still here. Ummm... Please don't close the door, the cat door on me. I'm still here.

Eric: Are you still- you're still wedged in there? Hold on.

Brandon: (as Buckwheat): Yeah, thank you. Thank you.

Amanda: Eric, could you roll two D6 to convince the cab driver you're not a goat?

[everyone laughing]

Eric: Jesus Christ

Amanda: Do you have money? Are you gonna pay him?

Eric: God. I don't know. I definitely don't

Brandon: I heard cab drivers take straw and tin cans as payment.

Eric: Oh, no.

Amanda: We can do this as a group.

Julia: I'm very fancy. Do you think maybe I stole my owner's like credit card or something like that and I can just swipe it or tap it?

Eric: I only have to D6. So I got two successes. I don't know what the difficulty is. But I know that other people can contribute so I can throw two in there that hopefully, I stay out of sight enough while wedging the door open that I can we can avoid it.

Amanda: Yeah.

Eric: If someone else wants to hop in, please.

Lauren: I like with my teeth take off my little diamond bracelet from my one of my front hooves and drop it you know in between the front seats and say--

Lauren (as Ramekin): Here you go, old chap.

Brandon: And what does it sound like and goat?

[Lauren bleats]

Amanda: The cab driver looks up in the rearview and then quickly down and says-

Amanda (as Cab Driver): No problem, guys. Yeah

[everyone laughing]

Julia: Drives immediately to a pawn shop. Pawns the diamond bracelet

Eric (as Cab Driver): New York City: Best city in the world!

Julia (as Cab Driver): Goats gave me diamonds!

Amanda: So here you are on 42nd street, there are about three blocks to the Forever 21. And about two more blocks beyond that to Anderson Cooper. Ahead of you, there are lots of people. It will be difficult to get into the middle section, like think of it like a diamond, where there the diamond is like ringed with lots and lots of people and barriers. But in the middle it is a much more kind of heavily patrolled but also much easier to kind of sprint as much less crowded to get to the front and the shops are on the outside of this diamond, Anderson is in the middle at the very very end. The crowning drunken jewel of this evening, and- and his performance. Where would you like to go?

Julia: Goat Master, is there a Olive Garden to go, part the Olive Garden? Like where one would pick up a delivery and then bring it to say an extremely drunk newscaster?

Amanda: The Olive Garden is on the North End of Times Square. It's on the very end it's even past Anderson Cooper.

Julia: Ahh...

Eric: Oh, no.

Lauren: Oh, no.

Amanda: But I think that there may well be a Olive Garden employee handing out just trays of a little half breadsticks stuck into some minestrone soup for the drunken revelers. Because Olive Garden when you're here, your family they- they care about your health tonight.

Brandon: They sponsored the New Year's Eve this year. Very nice of them

Amanda: They did.

Julia: Good for them.

Brandon: I do think it's important that we want to get fed and to get dressed. Those are my two objectives before we--

Amanda: I like it.

Eric (as Kevin??): My only thought is that where do you think endless breadsticks come from? It's from the nether world and we can harness that to teleport to wherever we need to go. If we want to go directly to if we follow the Olive Garden trail. We can get to Anderson Cooper as fast as possible and get on that stage.

Julia (as Whitney Bleaterton): [in a sweet voice] This brings up a very interesting question, which is how much of all of gardens marinara sauce is in fact blood?

[Brandon bursts out laughing]

Eric (as Kevin??): In my research, I could tell you it's at least 10% but no more than 40%. It's very obvious we've once you get past 40%.

Brandon (as Buckwheat): If I eat the breadsticks, does that does that mean that I am like part devil like I don't want to eat that. What does that mean?

Eric (as Kevin??): No, it just means that the breadsticks are from the place where the devil was born.

Brandon (as Buckwheat): Okay.

Eric (as Kevin??): So you're fine once it's cleared out of there. If you sprinkle enough garlic on that, it's fine.

Lauren (as Ramekin): Do you notice that breadsticks are made with the good wheat?

Brandon (as Buckwheat): What's the good wheat?

Eric (as Ramekin): You know this stuff that's expensive.

Eric (as Kevin??): I would go ahead and say it's the bad wheat. [everyone laughing] But, I don't think it's a moral judgment in that way. It's more about you know, when-- when it was thrown out of heaven by the Christian God, ejected than it was bad in that sense, but I don't think that there's any sort of monetary value attached to it.

Lauren (as Ramekin): Okay. Okay.

Julia (as Whitney Bleaterton): Okay.

Amanda: Well, the breadstick guy is standing not too far from where you get out of the cab just handing out the samples of breadsticks. And there's also a couple more people handing things out. There's a Sephora lady handing out samples of lip gloss. And then there is somebody in those like, you know, those red jumpsuits of the Times Square folks that like cleanup of confetti the next day, they're handing out like noisemakers and glasses and hats and cute little things.

Brandon: Well, that's a good disguise.

Julia: I do love bleating loudly. So I do think I want to go and grab a noisemakers and stuff like that

Amanda: Totally.

Brandon: Are these people before or after the barrier?

Amanda: They are before the barriers. There's like think about it like this is the you know the point where you know show a ticket to get in and they are all standing just outside the barrier handing things out as people as they enter The Time Square area. This is a fiction by the way where its not crowded enough to close off by 5 AM.

[laughter]

Lauren: How high are the trays off the ground that they're holding?

Amanda: Average height, human guy who's holding it? So let's say about probably 3, 3 and 1/2 feet off the ground.

Lauren: Okay, okay.

Amanda: Enough for an average goat to a non-pygmy goat to jump up and grab.

Julia: Great.

Brandon: Rude.

Eric (as Kevin??): I'm committed to doing all of that. I just want to find the netherworld portal and I think it'd be best for all of us. Let's attack something. I'm ready. I'm here.

Lauren (as Buckwheat): I think it might be easiest to get the breadsticks if we are a little bit in disguise. So maybe we should grab some glasses first, maybe?

Julia: Yeah.

Lauren: Capital idea.

Eric: Let's do it.

Amanda: Absolutely.

Amanda (as Buckwheat): Thank you. You're very fancy.

Lauren (as Ramekin): Thank you.

Brandon (as Buckwheat): I can't reach.

Lauren (as Ramekin): I know.

Brandon (as Buckwheat): So I could jump on top of someone and then...

Lauren (as Ramekin): Oh!

Brandon (as Buckwheat): Can we form a goat tower to get to the glasses?

All: [whispering] Go down. Go down. Go down. Go down. Go down.

Eric: Goat tower, goat- Eric is chanting goat tower, goat tower.

Amanda: So unless anybody feels that their motive or their skills are particularly useful here, you can each roll two D6.

Eric: Yeah, let's do- let's make the tower.

Julia: Yeah.

[dice rolls]

Julia: I got 1 success.

Eric: I got 2 successes.

Lauren: I have 1 success.

Brandon: And I got 2. So that's 3 + what?

Lauren: 6!

Brandon: 6 total.

Amanda: 6 total, I have two dice in the chaos pool because it's a pretty chaotic thing to start doing. One of them was a success. So that gives us a net total of five.

Julia: Whoo!

Amanda: Which is acceptable, but does quirk the eyebrow of the guy handing out the glasses. So we're gonna add one more die to the chaos pool but you get you get through it for now. So he- he is just handing out he has like one of those like, you know, like a flasher coat with just like the inside of it is just like ringed with all kinds of stuff and--

[all talking, amused]

Brandon: He's clothed, right?

Amanda: He's clothed. He's wearing a red jumpsuit under the coat but the code itself is just lined with stuff and there's more coats like behind him over the barrier to like replenish when the coat is up. So you can have your pick, there are glittery glasses with the year of 2016 on it. There are noisemakers there are jaunty hats that you can put on your little heads. And in Mardi Gras beads for some reason.

Julia: Ooh!

Amanda: Grab whatever you like

Julia: Yeah, I think I take a jaunty hat and glasses and a lot of Mardi Gras beads. Like just, I am jingling with every little hooved step.

Lauren: I think I'd take a jaunty hat, one set of Mardi Gras beads, you know, you don't want to be too ostentatious. And some of the sparkliest glasses that they have.

Amanda: Love it.

Eric: I want the most curse thing here. So I want the glasses where the- the 2 and the 6 are the openings for the eyes. They're very far apart. So, it is very-- so it looks very disconcerting even though I can look through it.

Lauren: They didn't utilize the zeros?

Eric: No, they absolutely didn't. It's incredibly cursed. So I think that one.

Brandon: Goat master, Amanda, would you say that I'm small enough to fit under one of these hats?

[snickering]

Amanda: Yes, absolutely.

Eric: Like Solid Snake.

Brandon: I'm gonna take one of the fancy hats and just try to wear it but sort of just kind of end up dragging it around. So I can--

Lauren: Like a little hermit crab.

Brandon: Like a little hermit crab.

Lauren: That's so cute.

Julia: That's extremely cute.

Brandon: And I say--

Brandon (as Buckwheat): How's this look on me, guys? What do you think?

Brandon: And I do a little jazz hands. But you can't see because I'm under the hat.

Amanda: The cap just twitches.

Julia (as Whitney Bleaterton): You were made for the stage!

Brandon (as Buckwheat): Let’s go to Broadway, baby!

Amanda: Well, you're well disguised, you're bleating and very well with the revelers so you can make your way through the- the first barrier into the crowd of Times Square.

Julia: Very quickly. I want to make sure that I take some minestrone and some breadsticks-

Amanda: Yeah.

Julia: - and put them under my hat to bring to my mom later.

Lauren: And I would like to jump up and just like grab a breadstick with my teeth.

Eric: I would also like to go for the Achilles tendon of this man to take him down.

Julia: Oh, no!

Amanda: Oh, okay.

Eric: It's also related to eating stuff, but I eat--

Amanda: Oh, you're tasting him?

Eric: But I'm tasting him.

Amanda: Oh, sure, okay. Alright. 4 D6. Lauren, 4 for you because you are also attempting to eat stuff. And I'm Julia, 4 for you because you're- you're doing your motivation.

Julia: Yey!

[dice shakes and rolls]

Brandon: I'm practicing my Broadway routine audition underneath my hat.

Julia: Love it, incredible. 3 successes for Whitney Bleaterton.

Eric: That's 2 for me.

Lauren: I got 2.

Amanda: Excellent. Well, the difficulty was 6 and I rolled no successes. So you, you succeed and the guy holding the tray looks like he should be working at the Billabong surfer shop. He's a white dude with a bad sunburn. Yes, it's January. And long, long blonde hair under his Olive Garden hat visibly high. He's just like--

Amanda (as NOT Billabong guy): [in a very subdued manner] Uhh... yeah, man. Enjoy. Woo!!

[everyone snickers]

Eric: Does he notice that I've taken out one of the- one of the tendon he needs to stand or he's fine.

Amanda (as NOT Billabong guy): Uhh... I'm gonna sit now.

[everyone bursts out laughing]

Julia: Just slumped against the building behind him.

Amanda: He sets down his tray and slumps down onto the curb. Not the first person do that tonight, not the last.

Eric: Excellent.

Amanda: And so the tray is sitting on the ground.

Julia: [excitedly] Amanda, can I take the tray?

Amanda: Absolutely, you can.

Julia: Okay, I would love to take the tray.

Amanda: Yeah.

Brandon: Just real quick. I'm going to don my tinfoil hat here for a second because you did say it was January. But clearly, it's December 31st.

Amanda: The eve of January.

Brandon: So, is this man, a hare a giant hare in disguise?

Amanda: He is not but well played, well thought

Eric: Brandon, I only-- animals only attack humans and vice versa. I would never have animal and animal crime. In this in this RSS feed? Here, hold on, I pull you out of cross stitch. In this RSS feed--

Amanda: I don't think so!

Eric: --animals do not attack animals.

Julia: Hold on, I have to start stitching that right away.

Eric: The thing is, so what I would love to do is if he's– if he's down, I would love to try to communicate with him. I can't obviously speak to him. But I would love to try to figure out if he does know where the netherworld is for us to travel where we have to by making a dark bargain with the Dark Lord.

Amanda: Trying to like pull up one of his eyelids with your little goat hoof as he– as he slumps against the barrier.

Eric: That exa-- Amanda, exactly what I wanted to do.

[everyone laughing]

Amanda: That’s it.

Eric (as Kevin??): Can you please tell us where the netherworld is? Where the endless breadsticks come from? Bleeeeeh!

Amanda (as NOT Billabong guy): Okay, I'm so tired of breadsticks. Can I- can I have a salad?

Brandon: [in an evil raspy voice] THAT'S ALSO NEVER ENDING!

Eric (as Kevin??): I don't know.

Brandon: [in an evil voice] That was the soup!

Eric (as Kevin??): The soup or any of the soup salad or breadsticks, any of those are fine for our Dark Lord.

Amanda (as NOT Billabong guy): Ah, wait, can you– can you clock out for me? If I don't clock out, I don't get paid.

Eric (as Kevin??): Oh God!

Amanda: And he hands you from who like it's kind of gestures that his hip pocket, in the pocket of his coat. You can see a little timecard poking out.

Eric: Abso-fucking-lutely. And also I hope he's like employee ID?

Amanda: Yes, it is in one little like, you know the little like laminate envelopes you can carry like–

Eric: Yes.

Amanda: –one credit card and your metro card. It has his timecard and his employee ID.

Eric: Oh, it's sad because it's really- it's written large, "When you work here, your family."

Julia: Sad.

Eric: So dark.

Brandon (as NOT Billabong guy): I make $2 an hour because I'm supposed to get 2! Capitalism sucks!

Eric: Absolutely, yeah, I ignore it because that's even too dark for me. I grab it. And I also grab a little bit of minestrone as well, because I want to taste the rainbow.

Amanda: I just want to just well in the image of little goats just like looking out of those tiny plastic sample cups.

Lauren: Yeah. Yeah.

Julia: Num, num, num, num, num, num.

Amanda: And Eric, you see too on the back of this time card. It says, "If lost, return to:" and then an address that is like a side entrance. It's even in fact, it's on like 44th street like the Olive Garden itself was on 49th. But it's on 44th Street because there is a secret employee entrance-

Eric: Yes!

Amanda: -and tunnel leading into the suburban netherworld of Times Square.

Brandon: I knew it, AMANDA! I knew it.

Eric: Hail Satan!

Lauren: Let's go!

Brandon: Let's get out of here. Yeah.

Amanda: Okay, there is one more die in the chaos pool because there is an unconscious body of an Olive Garden employee on the curb.

Eric: Fair. That's on me. That's on me.

Lauren: A robbed Olive Garden employee.

Julia: I'm gonna like, very gently slip the noisemaker into his mouth. So it looks like he's just passed out.

Amanda: You know what, Julia? I'm taking one out. That's good. Great. Thank you. That's good. All right. So are you ready to cross the barrier into Times Square?

Brandon: Yeah, I want to make a mockery of this physical barrier by just slipping right underneath it, and then when I'm on the other side, clearly, there's an easy way to push it out. But not in, you know? For a fire exit kind of situation.

[everyone mumbles in agreement]

Amanda: Yep. Yep.

Brandon: So when I'm on the other side, I'm just gonna push it in and let my goat friends in.

Julia: Makes sense.

Eric: So this is a fantasy world where someone considered the exits and the fire exits.

Lauren: Yes.

Eric: Correct.

Lauren: Exactly.

Julia: Brutal.

Amanda: Yeah, no, Brandon 4 D6 plays, but this is a very low difficulty, just 2.

Brandon: What is it, four? Oh, shit, I only got 1 success.

Amanda: I also got 1 success in the chaos pool. So this is not a good scenario. If this happens, if the net result is 0 on something that you are trying to do. That's a little bit- that's a little bit difficult and the situation gets a little bit dicey.

Julia: Uh-oh!

Brandon: First Brandon roll of the game, baby!

[cheering]

Amanda: So things have gone a little bit south here, Brandon, you attempt to kick over just one section of barrier to let your goat friends in.

[Bleat!]

Amanda: But your wonderful, terrifying, tiny little goat legs are powerful. And all the barriers as you may know from living in New York City are interlocked.

Brandon (as Buckwheat): Oh, no!

Amanda: And so when you kick that one barrier, the entire row of barriers along this block of 42nd Street tips over, and everyone in the crowd near you turns around and someone yells--

Amanda (as party goer): Party foe!

[laughter]

Brandon: I'm gonna dive underneath my hat real quick, so I'm hidden.

Amanda: Okay, other goatees? What do you do?

Julia: I would like to start bleating to the tune of Auld Lang Syne.

Amanda: That's very good, Julia.

Julia: Okay.

Eric: And then everyone around is like, "Oh, the lyrics to Auld Lang Syne, perfect"

Julia: Immediately.

Amanda: Anyone else want to help because Julia, otherwise you can roll 4 D6 to see how that works, right?

Julia: Yeah. I want to add as a distraction for for the poor little guy. [dice roll] Okay, I got 3 successes.

Amanda: That's great. I got 2 successes. So that's not a great result unless anyone else wants to help.

Eric: I will help sing but I will can only roll 2 D6.

Amanda: That's fine

Eric: I'll definitely throw myself in that.

Brandon: I think you and Lauren could do a three part harmony.

Lauren: Oh, yeah.

Julia: There we go.

Lauren: Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Amanda: You can also use the satanic rhythms of your feet if you want to, like do a little like drumbeat little clap.

Eric: Yeah, I have the most satanic instrument on me which are maracas.

Julia: Checks out.

Lauren: 2 successes.

Eric: I got 1.

Amanda: Ooh, alright, we're up to 4. That is good enough to sneak by.

Eric: Yes.

Julia: Whoo.

Amanda: So you three can scamper over the fallen barriers and with the pygmy goat in question under his little hat, get lost in the crowd as you move North.

Brandon (as Buckwheat): I'm so sorry. So sorry. I did. I did. I don't know my own strength sometimes. I'm so small but I'm so powerful.

Julia (as Whitney Bleaterton): That's okay. When you think about it, you really succeeded quite more than you expected.

Brandon (as Buckwheat): That's true. I felt up.

Julia: Yeah.

Lauren (as Ramekin): Now, we can move freely.

Amanda: So as you move through Time Square, let me give you a little walking tour. This is what you see in front of you. So you are right now between the 42nd and 43rd street, there is not a lot there as people kind of are people are like congregating like moving in. You're kind of like scurrying quickly kind of through this first block. As you move upright on the corner of 43rd. There is a Hard Rock Cafe and a Bubba Gump shrimp company, both of which have their doors thrown open to the wintertime very inefficiently pumping heat out into the already fairly warm Times Square. There is a little a little bookstore, there's an information center, and then in 44th Street, that is where things really begin to pick up. That's where the Olive Garden entrance is for employees. kind of unmarked door. There is a Sephora and Forever 21 on that block just past the employee entrance.

Eric: I can feel you tempting us with the crown jewels of the curse and crown that is Times Square. But I think we should just head right to as- as fast as possible towards the employee entrance, yeah?

Julia (as Whitney Bleaterton): But I want to be fancy.

Brandon: Yeah, I'm sorry, Eric. Amanda, if I'm not mistaken, there was also a Levi's store there.

Amanda: Yes, there is one kind of just across from the Forever 21 and the Sephora.

Brandon: Yeah, I think it's right next to Hard Rock Cafe.

Amanda: There also is just to say, a Sunglass Hut. If you want to layer.

Brandon: I feel like I need something to set me off. So I look like I'm part of the rich and famous.

Julia: Okay.

Brandon: So I can hobnob with them. So we all know that rich and famous aren't going to wear suits unless you're on camera, right? They're gonna try to be cool. So I would like to try to get a jean jacket for my small pygmy goat friend.

Amanda: So you guys want to walk past the restaurants to the shopping block and do your errands right there?

Lauren: Yeah.

Brandon: At least me, I'm not gonna speak for everyone.

Lauren: I mean, I am down a diamond bracelet so I need to get some sort of whatever-

Amanda: That's true.

Lauren: -it's a cheap knockoff I can get at Forever 21 that will be convincing in the– in the darkness of night.

Julia: And I would love to get my makeup done really like accentuate my bone structure as a goat by going to the Sephora.

[Lauren mumbles in agreement]

Julia: Yeah.

Eric: I think I can get like an accessory from Levi's that would accentuate my devilish demeanor, I'm fine with that.

Amanda: Like some ripped, some ripped denim?

Brandon: Yeah, get some skinny jeans with rips on them. You'll look hot.

Amanda: Oh, yeah.

Eric (as Kevin??): I look like my idol, Slash! [laughter] from Guns and Roses.

[instrumental theme]

Amanda: Hey, it's Amanda. I don't know if anyone's talked about this on like the internet or on the show. But DMing is terrifying. I don't know how Eric does it every week. I was so scared to do this system much less a much much more complex one like D&D. Oh man, I hope that he and all of you enjoy this break as I DM today's one shot and Julia DMs the next two. As a reminder, we are publishing two more one-shots, those two DM'd by Julia over the next two weeks, then an Afterparty all about our one shots. Then we are getting into the campaign! A mini campaign powered by Monster of the Week this summer on the Join the Party feed, stay with us. And as a matter of fact, bring a friend. It has never been a better time to get somebody into the show. Multiple people have already told us, "Okay, okay. I wanted to listen to Join the Party during Campaign 2. But now that I have a chance I can catch up on old campaigns while listening to the campaign monster of the week over the summer." It's a great time. Text somebody the link to jointhepartypod.com or show them on their phone how they can subscribe to podcasts like ours. It's a great time. Thank you so much.

[Midroll music]

Amanda: First and foremost in today's midroll thank you to all our newest patrons, Rudy, Hart and Sydney welcome. We are so happy that you're here to yell about these one-shots in the Discord. Enjoy days worth of bloopers and bonus content in the Patreon feed and buy your discounted merch in our patron discounted merch store. Like I don't know if you remember from last time, the Campaign 2 poster by Sarah Barra is out and everybody so uncomfortably hot it's so great. I don't know if you knew that patrons get a discount on merch items, but they do. You can get a discount on the poster or the Hello Laketown City World Book, the Lake Town City mountain lobster's hat and t shirt ,and even Campaign 1 character pins. If you wanted to have Oatcake or Inara or Tracey on your jacket or bag, you can! To join the Patreon and get that emerge discount as well as all of the other bonus things and just honestly the knowledge that you're supporting an independent podcast that you love, go to patreon.com/jointhepartypod or if you want to cut to the feeling and pick up some of that excellent merch seriously, there's a downloadable D&D Sound kit that you can play during your own campaigns by Brandon a cool Cryptic Compendium co-written by Eric and Julia. Phone backgrounds, ringtones galore oh my god so much. Go to jointhepartypod.com/merch. Normally in the podcast, this is where we plug another show in the Multitude Collective and certainly if you'd like hearing me get enthusiastic about goats and Julia telephone stories, Spirits is the podcast for you definitely check that one out. But I also want to make sure that we shout at the fantastic work of our guest, Lauren Shippen. You probably already know about her first show, The Bright Sessions and the excellent sister podcasts and novels that she has released in that universe. But have you heard about Maxine Miles, a choose your own adventure YA mystery podcast that Lauren released earlier this year? It has all the autumnal feelings an excellent mystery and the chance for you to solve it yourself. Search for Maxine Miles in your podcast app or go to atypicalartists.co to stream episodes and read transcripts. We are sponsored this week by Hero Forge. They offer fully customizable tabletop miniatures with dozens of fantasy species and 1000s of parts to choose from. Yes, including goats. These custom minis come in a variety of materials including color printed options. I have one friend who's really into painting minis and every time he shares his work on his Instagram, I'm just like, holy shit, what is this actual sorcery. It is just something that I completely respect and feel like I could never ever do on my own. So knowing that I can get color-printed options delivered to me from Hero Forge is a total game changer. And if you have a 3D printer, you can even download model files to print at home. Go ahead and design your unique miniature and get it printed in full color no painting needed with Hero Forge custom color minis visit heroforge.com to start designing your custom miniature today and check back often because new stuff is added every week. Seriously, it is so much fun to play with go to heroforge.com We're also sponsored by Dark Dice, this is a horror actual play podcast where table talk is cut out in the show focuses on story and characters. Episodes are short averaging 30 to 45 minutes and the cast now includes Jeff Goldbloom as an elephant sorcerer named Balmur. The show has sound design and original soundtrack and a 40 person choir that sings in infernal elvish and Icelandic come for the horror, stay for the hurdy gurdy. Unlike most stories, the heroes also get weaker as the adventure progresses as exhaustion and stress will weaken their resolve. Check it out to date in your podcast app or at darkdice.com. That is the show Dark Dice in your podcast app or darkdice.com. Finally, this podcast is sponsored by BetterHelp. Life can be overwhelming and a lot of people get burned out without even knowing it. That might feel like a lack of motivation, feeling helpless or trapped, detached fatigue lots of ways and we associate burnout with work but that isn't the only cause any of our roles in life as a caregiver or support system can lead to us feeling burnout and BetterHelp online therapy wants us to remind you to prioritize yourself and talking with someone can really help figure out what's causing stress in your life and making strategies to tackle it. I do my therapy through BetterHelp which is customized online therapy that offers video phone and even live chat sessions with your therapist so you don't have to see anybody on camera if you don't want to. It is much more affordable than in person therapy and you can be matched with a therapist in under 48 hours. Join the Party listeners, in fact get 10% off their first month at betterhelp.com/jointheparty that's b e t t e r h e l p.com/jointheparty. And now back to the goat party!

Amanda: So guys, I am totally cool with you proceeding deeper into Times Square to the Shopping Block. But first, you are going to have to resist the buffet at Margaritaville.

Julia: Oooh...

[Brandon laughing]

Amanda: So this group check because the smells are out of this world.

Julia: I'm sorry, I actually do want to also go to Margaritaville because I do need canapés for my mom.

Brandon: Mommy

Amanda: Okay, so as we're proceeding past, Julia's sweet goat Whitney Bleaterton peels off toward the buffet with the rest of you like to go to the buffet or try to resist?

Lauren: I would like to go and just like lick a bunch of stuff and then move on.

Julia (as Whitney Bleaterton): Coconut shrimp, here I come!

Lauren: Because I just, you know, sometimes it's just about tasting it. It's not about eating it.

Eric: I agree. I'm gonna do the same.

Brandon: I'm just gonna try to resist it.

Amanda: Okay, so Brandon, you can give me 2 D6 unless you [dice roll] find a way to--

Brandon: I don't think so. Because it's not a physical barrier. It's a mental barrier.

Amanda: That's true.

Brandon: So...

Julia: Fair enough.

Lauren: The psychic barrier.

Amanda: So the Margaritaville has turned this block of sidewalk into like an outdoor kind of paradise. They have erected like, thatched roof booths, they have all kinds of coconut-crusted shrimp, frozen margaritas, pulled pork, like pineapple sliders. There is so much going on. There's little cold, chilled cups of gumbo. And there are again, just employees kind of handing out samples and then a VIP area where Julia, I mean, that's where the real canapés are.

Julia: Okay.

Amanda: That's where the VIP canapés are.

Julia: Okay. So what I would like to do, because I already took the tray of the Olive Garden gentleman.

Amanda: Yeah.

Julia: I would like to make it seem like I'm also an employee here at the Margaritaville.

Amanda: Great.

Julia: And I would like to pretend I'm going to like refill something that's at the VIP section.

Lauren: Nice.

Julia: And I like as I pass other trays, like grabbing a bunch of different stuff being like–

Julia (as Whitney Bleaterton): Here we go. Here we go. I'm so fancy. Here we go.

Eric: I also-- I will also assist while wearing the Olive Garden employee thing because they don't– they don't read it. They just see that you have an ID.

Amanda: I like that each of you can roll 4 D6 and Brandon, let's resolve you. How many successes did you get?

Brandon: [sighs] 1.

Amanda: Okay, I'm afraid that you are going to be drawn toward Margaritaville because you can see Brandon, James Buffett [collective intake of breath] himself standing in the back of the VIP section wearing simply a Hawaiian shirt. It's freezing out how is he doing this? Eating canapés at the back of the VIP section.

Brandon: The lifestyles of the rich and famous!

Eric: No pants, too. He's that rich. No one will call him on it.

Amanda: Only board shorts.

Julia: I rolled 2 successes. [dice rolls] May also argue that because I am pretending to be a server and the only ways that servers get paid because the tip system is broken is by being charming that I'm also being charming.

Amanda: Okay.

Eric: I rolled 3 successes if that helps.

Amanda: Great.

Lauren: And I rolled 1success for trying to lick everything.

Amanda: Excellent.

Julia: So I rolled a total of 3 successes.

Amanda: So 3, 3 and 1? [mumbles in agreement] Okay, so you get 7 successes. I, in the chaos pool, rolled 3. So we are not quite there. I am going to say that you can definitely make it into the Margaritaville party itself. But at the VIP section, where those good canapés are, there is somebody kind of crossing their arms. A tall security guard looks a lot like Brienne of Tarth, actually just standing there. And she has on a Hawaiian shirt underneath a black blazer. [laughter] Yeah, just looking around kind of waiting for you get the sense that she's like kind of anticipating something going wrong. Maybe the– the security guards and the staff have been alerted that something is off with the schedule tonight. Or maybe something is happening deeper inside Margaritaville-

Lauren: Oh, no!

Amanda: -that is causing people to be on such high alert. But she's- she's kind of like almost about to react to something that's not happening quite yet.

Brandon: Weird.

Eric: I was trying to think what year it was if this was actually Gwendolyn Christie?

Amanda: No, this guard is orange-haired.

Eric: Oh, got it.

Brandon: So I'm going to turn to my goat goatpanions and say-

Eric: Nice.

Brandon (as Buckwheat): Because I'm real small and I'd like to make a mockery of physical barriers. So I can sort of like make a distraction. I can like go over to under her like- she won't see me and then I'll just like knock something over. And, and then when she turns you guys can go in.

Lauren: Sounds like a great plan.

Julia: Okay.

Eric (as Kevin??): I love that, you're innovating the way that we are messing with time and space.

Brandon: Can I presume they're sort of like a watercraft somewhere or I probably can't do anything with a physical barrier apart. But--

Amanda: No, yeah, you can. Absolutely. It's actually I mean, it's a VIP section, right? So like it's very understated and classy. And so there is just really a velvet rope. But the velvet is also Hawaiian print, separating the kind of sidewalk from the VIP section inside. So you give 4 D6 but it's really easy. It's just a difficulty of two to get in.

Brandon: Well, if it's a physical barrier, I can make a mockery of it by just walking under it.

Amanda: Oh yeah, definitely. That's true.

Brandon: Can I do 6 D6, then? Because I'm small and I make a mockery of it.

Amanda: You are small. You are making a mockery of this rope and you can absolutely do 4 D6

Brandon: Fuck yeah!

Amanda: 6 D6.

Eric: So how are we going to help Brandon when he gets 1 success?

Julia: I got you.

Brandon: Four successes, baby!

[Excited cheering]

Amanda: Okay! You made it in. I love it! So you can see from your new vantage point, sweet sweet Buckwheat that in here it is lit, everything is like rattan, you know? Like kind of straw furniture with like cream colored linen cushions on the couches, really asking for someone to slop like a you know a neon blue like Long Island Iced Tea or something on it and in the back they have again this is all outside like they have made like a kind of Margaritaville lounge out on the sidewalk of Times Square. There is thatched roof it is as if it is a poolside they've actually they have a little like fish tank in the back and above the fish tank there is a big almost like lit from beneath neon lit frozen margarita dispenser. It's like 10 feet high. It is resting on like you know those Iced Tea canisters that have like little stands that they sit on is sitting in like a big fat stand that looks pretty but not particularly stable. And it's kind of there for decoration as inside the frozen margarita maker turns and turns.

Brandon: Well, I'm going to quickly go over and just like knock someone's class off the table just to get the guards attention away for a brief second so it goes can are my colleagues got my goat colleagues collgoats-

Amanda: Oh yeah,

Brandon: -goatgues.

Amanda: Yeah, you weren't you weren't getting closer to the rich and famous so 4 D6, please.

Brandon: Nice. [shakes and rolls the dice] two... oh, 3 successes.

Amanda: Okay, I got 1. But happily, your DC was only 2 here.

Brandon: Yey!

Amanda: You knock over a glass the Gwendoline Christie-

Brandon (as Buckwheat): Yes!

Amanda: -lookalike turns around and the other goats, the coast is clear if you want to run-

Julia (as Whitney Bleaterton): [whispers] Go, go, go, go!

[everyone excitedly whispers ‘goats goats goats’]

Amanda: Alright, everybody, you– you rush in and you are successfully in the VIP area. So you see Buckwheat is hanging out right by the kind of cocktail tables on the right James Buffett is back on the left and next to him you see kind of the turned backs of two men with their kind of heads quite close together and you get the sense that they're talking about something secret but that they don't like each other because the body language is very hostile as they talk to one another also in front of them you didn't know that Margaritaville serve spaghetti but--

Brandon: I just want to say as you all walk up because I succeeded, Buckwheat is like jumping back and forth.

Julia: Aww!

Brandon: Because I'm so excited.

Lauren: Just a little hat door bouncing.

Brandon: He's still under the hat, of course.

Lauren: I want to go over to go to-

Brandon: Goat over?

Lauren: I want to goat over to Mr. James Buffett and like eavesdrop on his conversation while also like, I really want to eat this furniture.

Amanda: Yeah.

Lauren: So like, if there's like a chair like one of those like you know rattan chairs near hear him. I want to like chew on it and eavesdrop on this conversation.

Amanda: Yeah, I mean, you're you are quite small. This should definitely work. Let's do 4 D6.

Lauren: Excellent. That is 3 successes.

Amanda: Okay, I got 2 successes. So that leaves you with a net of 1.

Lauren: Okay.

Amanda: Not quite enough to do it. Anyone else want to assist?

Julia: Yeah, can I help out?

Amanda: Yeah.

Julia: I would love to bleat the tune of Cheeseburger in Paradise but like slightly off-key-

Lauren: Nice.

Julia: -to bring the attention of Jimmy Buffett away from Ramekin.

Eric: I love it and then everyone says oh, the lyrics to Cheeseburger in Paradise, perfect.

Julia: That's why I didn't pick wasting Away a Margaritaville

Amanda: Let's do it. 4 D6, Julia.

[shakes and dice rolls]

Julia: Uhhh... 2 successes.

Amanda: Okay, I love it. So this is again mixed success. So there is one more die added to the chaos pool that brings us up to five but James Buffet stands and he goes-

Amanda (as James Buffet): Ugh! Have been called.

Amanda: And just start strumming- a guitar kind of appears out of nowhere and just walking toward the front of the VIP section and-

Eric: Cursed Magics!

Amanda: -strumming along as the crowd begins to turn to him and– and follow along.

Brandon: Nice.

Julia: Wonderful.

Lauren: Excellent.

Amanda: So Lauren, you're able to get close in there. There's like a buffet of delights for you. Julia, there are a canapés on like low glass tables as well as the high cocktail tables, that big Margarita machine is still there and they're the two men in the corner are you know again heads close together voice is low but both of them are sitting in rattan chairs so up to you, Lauren, where do you want to go?

Lauren: Yeah, I would like to- if they're like sitting side by side I want to go like between the chairs so that they can't see me and just like you know nibble on the on the chair leg while I listen.

Brandon: I love it.

Lauren: Yeah.

Brandon: I also want to sneak over underneath my hat and see if I can get close enough to listen.

Lauren: Nice.

Amanda: Cool. Yeah, I think your– your disguise is working. So I'm happy to just let you do that as you edge closer. In the meantime, Kevin?? and Whitney, what are you guys up to?

Julia: I am shoving every canapé that I have within range into the hat that I am wearing and then putting it back on my head.

Amanda: Excellent.

Eric: Here's the thing, there is a raspberry away and Margaritaville Margarita in that Margarita machine and it might be blood. So I need eat some of that right now.

Amanda: Yeah.

Eric: So I did- I did a hop up there and by any means necessary getting some of that frozen margarita.

Brandon: That sounds like you're trying to party hard to me, Eric.

Eric: Whole day. Hey, let's see what happens. Me emotionally, yes. Mechanically, no.

Amanda: Well, you are attempting to eat stuff. And you are I think following your satanic heart, right? You're drawn toward the red of the raspberry blood. So give me 6 D6, Eric, and then we'll we'll return to Lauren

Brandon: [sings] Marguerita in Paradise.

Eric: Okay, I got 3 successes.

Amanda: I did get 4 successes from the chaos pool, Eric.

Lauren: Oh, no!

Eric: Now I’m partying hard, give me those dice! So here's what happens, I've been thinking about this a lot, you know, in Hocus Pocus, when Bette Midler started saying I'm gonna put a spell on you. And I feel like I start doing that. And then of course, like everyone magically gets into the musical, and everyone is singing back up. I can only imagine that I start doing that. I started doing that, but for a death metal song. So it's just like, oh, [hums a a death metal song heartily] just everyone is around. All of a sudden I have a backup band. I have screen- other screaming people. And it just like there's five minutes of a musical interlude while I party hard.

[Brandon singing a death metal song]

Amanda: I love it.

[Eric singing a death metal song]

Lauren: Bleating, I feel like would fit in really well with a metal song.

Julia: Yeah.

Amanda: Yes.

Eric: So I got three more successes. So I'm up to six successes, no opposition.

Amanda: Incredible. I mean chaos pool back to 0 so you have some excellent opportunities ahead of you. And Eric when you flip the switch basically to dispense Margarita from this frozen margarita machine, the switch breaks off because it is meant for human hands and--

Brandon: Awww...

Amanda: --not sweet little goat fingers. And so you certainly get the taste and Margarita that you're going for. But the machine also kicks into overdrive and a river of blood red raspberry Margaritaville Margarita begins flowing into the VIP area, causing some people on the street to go--

Amanda (as street party goer): Free Margarita!

Amanda: So they surge forward cups in hand. They like you know, dump on each other the beer that was in their red solo cups, as they surge forward to grab it.

Julia: To get margaritas from the street. It's in the street.

Brandon: It's Times Square, New York, Julia.

Lauren: Yeah. It's people who have willingly chosen to spend the New Year’s at Times Square.

Amanda: Yes!

Eric (as Kevin??): Razzmatazz, my brothers in Satan!

Amanda: And we're actually going to freeze and we're going to pan back over to Lauren where you are- your sweet little tiny fancy goat is nibbling on the return as you look up at two men who again are sitting with separate plates of spaghetti, whose heads are closed with body language tense, as they say.

Eric: Have a conversation with yourself. Have a conversation with yourself.

Julia: Do an Italian American accent! Do an Italian American accent!

Amanda: Ricotta! Okay.

Julia: That's how I get into it.

Amanda (as man 1): I'm just saying I just either don't think this feud is serving us any longer.

Amanda: The other guy who's a little bit older with like salt and pepper hair is like-

Amanda (as man 2): Yeah, I just, I don't know, I come in. I've been talking with my therapist. And I just think that, you know, like we've we've been at odds for so long. And you know, there's there's bigger fish to fry here in the city and maybe, I don't know, maybe some kind of cooperation.

Amanda: And then the– the other younger brunette guy is like-

Amanda (as man 1): Yeah, I man, I have some I have some things that you know, are non-negotiables for me, but like, frankly, you know, I'm I'm tired of the bloodshed, man. Like my kids want to go to college. It's a different lifestyle like I don't know.

Amanda: And that is where the camera pans back out and our reality is crashed back together. The flowing margaritas, which by the way are connected to a hose leading into the restaurant. This is like an endless Margarita fountain.

Julia: Oh, no.

Eric: Endless you say...

Lauren: Incredible.

Amanda: Yes. And the security guard springs back to life. She jumps over, where James Buffett lost to the crowd. James Buffett has been hoisted onto somebody's shoulders. He's in the middle of Times Square leading the whole square in a singalong a Cheeseburger in Paradise, and she ushers these two men back into a side door of Margaritaville but leaves it open like she's holding it open to usher the men in. So I will say that with this excellent distraction that partying hard Kevin?? has provided, you guys can go with these folks into the door if you want because this restaurant shares an alleyway with the Olive Garden employee entrance.

[everyone excitedly whispers]

Brandon: I'd definitely want to do that because I think Buckwheat is scared he's gonna drown.

Lauren: Yeah.

Julia: That's fair. I worry about him.

Eric: Are you sure that you're not on the other side of the hat? You have a little-

[everyone excitedly talking]

Julia: I was gonna say if you flip the hat--

Lauren: Using a little breadstick as an oar.

Amanda: Yeah. As we all know, once those breadsticks cool down, they are hard as rocks.

Lauren: Oh, yeah.

Amanda: So it's a very effective paddle.

Lauren: Can I eat the entire plate of spaghetti that they've left and then run after them?

Julia: Excellent.

Amanda: Yeah, no, it's just there. You can like it can be trailing behind you like Rapunzel's hair.

Lauren: Perfect.

Eric: I want to give you a gift. This is like I feel like this is like a waypoint here. I want to give you a gift as a GM to say that you're doing a great job. And also do you want to do any stage banter for James for Jimmy Buffett? While he's– while he's taking us in between songs?

Amanda: James Buffet's like-

Amanda (as James Buffet): There seems to be a lot of cops here, can't we just love each other instead?

Eric (as James Buffet): I'm too drunk to notice!

Amanda: So carried on the river of Margarita and scurrying after, after Buckwheat on your little goatee feet. You find yourself in basically like an employee entrance there, you know, it's concrete. There's pipes. It's like arrows on the floor and signs all over the place. And helpfully there, there's almost like a subway map just pointing you to different tunnels. So like one tunnel goes to the Marriott Marquis. One tunnel goes to, you know, the TKTS booth. One tunnel goes up to the Olive Garden one goes to M&M world. And then the other one says, The Ball and it's written in glitter pen for some reason.

Brandon: Now, here's a question that I have about us goats. Can we read English?

Julia: Or do we just see sparkly letters and we follow that?

Amanda: I think that like babies, you can recognize brand names. And so the Olive Garden is in the Olive Garden font. And so you are able to intuit you know, the Marriott find the Olive Garden fund, but the sparkly ball just has an image of a sparkly ball in glitter pen.

Lauren (as Ramekin): I mean, it sounds like that's where the fancy people are.

Julia (as Whitney Bleaterton): Obviously, the fancy people would be there. Yeah, yeah.

Brandon (as Buckwheat): I would like to hobnob with them.

Lauren (as Ramekin): I would like to find out you know, Tatler reporter.

Julia (as Whitney Bleaterton): Yeah.

Brandon (as Buckwheat): I don't know what that is.

Lauren (as Ramekin): Or a Too Much Zoo reporter.

Julia: Where there's fancy people there is also fancy canapés.

Lauren: True.

Amanda: True.

Eric: Here's the thing, Amanda said endless again, so I feel like this she was putting the netherworld but I do want to go to the ball. Fuck

Amanda: Well, Eric, do you think that something about the energy and space and crowd around the ball could kind of like open up a portal?

Eric: That's a good point. Um, uh, yeah, let's go to the sparkly thing.

Lauren: It is- it is a shiny enormous disco ball.

Brandon: Don't you also want to be interviewed by Page Six or whatever, Eric?

Eric: But Page 666, it's the devilish–

Brandon: Oh, okay.

Eric: –the demonic celebrity one.

Lauren: Right.

Eric: They're. It's different. It's different. Than TM -- than Too Much Zoo.

Brandon: Well, we all know the mainstream media is of the devil. So I'm sure Anderson Cooper...

Eric: No, that's fair. That's- that's definitely true.

Brandon: I'm mean, lamestream media.

[cheering]

Julia: Got 'em.

Amanda: Nailed it.

Eric: We're sponsored in this episode by, My Pillow, My Pillow. [laughter] It's Republican for some reason.

Amanda: Well, the security guard who looks a lot like Gwendoline Christie is also named Gwendoline, actually is a escorting the two heads of rival mafia families who are having a tense peace negotiation here on this Times Square Eve into the Marriott so they go to the left, but y'all are heading toward one Times Square, you're heading off to the right in the subterranean tunnel is like a ramp that kind of leans downward, and then just a pretty empty tunnel. Honestly, crossing under Times Square, where you can hear subways rattling beneath you, you can feel 1000s of feet, partying hard and singing along to Cheeseburger in Paradise above you as you run your way over into the lobby of a very fancy office building at the top of which is housed the ball. So you emerge from the staff entrance, you're actually behind the security gate, which is very convenient. And you are able to see in front of you there is a wide elevator bank, it's one of those fancy elevators where you have to like there's like a little pedestal and you input the floor you're gonna go to and then the elevator like tells you which one to use and takes you all the way up. So that is there there are some security guards they have a TV monitor up and they're like--

Amanda (as Security Guy): Yo, where's Anderson?

Amanda: And they're just kind of like wandering and kind of like hitting the side of it like it's just a rerun of we already saw this– this performance of of Ellie Goulding in Florida.

Brandon: Ellie Goatling.

Amanda: There you go.

Amanda (as Security Guys): Yo, I hope Michael Ball is gonna be here, when is he gonna go on?

Amanda: I am looking at a list of 2016 performers, yeah.

[everyone laughing]

Amanda (as Security Guy): Demi Lovato, Carrie Underwood, Luke Bryan, Wiz Khalifa and Charlie Puth are the other headlines. I don't know what the last guy is.

Eric (as Security Guy): Do you really, I was really emotional the way that Fast and Furious did that did the thing for Paul Walker. I really appreciated that.

Amanda (as Security Guy): Nick Jonas is here, is he gonna have a solo career? Who knows?

Brandon: Goats Gonas

Amanda: So, they are pretty distracted but they are---

Julia: No, no, no, no.

Eric: Wait a second, WHAT?!

Brandon: Well, Joe- Joe sounds like goat a little bit too near rhyme.

Julia: Okay.

Brandon: And then and then I accidentally put a G in front of Joe- Joe Jonas.

[everybody laughs]

Julia: I see what happened there. It's a G but it's still pronounced Jonas

Lauren: Jonas, exactly. Where is whereas like Anderson Cooper and like the broadcast fancy area in relation to where we are?

Amanda: So they are actually right outside the front of the building. So you like traverse kind of diagonally across Times Square, you've advanced north over the square as you use the tunnel. And if you go up in this building, that is where it kind of like a viewing area for the ball is just like a fancy VIP reception where people are, you know, like, able to look out at where the ball is hanging and then under the ball so right in front of the building, but on sidewalk level on a little race platform is Anderson Cooper, where you see again that people are very concerned. There are a lot of TV cameras there are a lot of PAs people are kind of like fanning they have some food typically kind of like a sampler platter almost have like different appetizers from the different restaurants in front of Anderson to try to tempt him into sobering up and eating a little bit. There are a lot of different kinds of drinks and there is also on another platform next to him is sort of like vamping and trying to just desperately throw to like pre produce segments about like the year and like babies might be born soon, Who was gonna be the first one? We don't know. Is Snoop Dogg and Martha Stewart who are together marketing, their new Bic lighters, and Snoop Dogg is constantly leaning out of frame to check in on- on Anderson and kind of like throw lighters at him to see if he's perking up.

Brandon: Martha Stewart, known weed enthusiast. Did they really do that?

Julia: Yeah, that was a real show.

Lauren: Oh, yeah.

Eric: They're like bestfriends.

Julia: They're best friends.

Lauren: Like Martha Stewart known Snoop Dogg enthusiast.

Amanda: They're marketing Bic lighters right now where Martha Stewart is using a candle and Snoop Dogg is has a blunt.

Lauren: Yeah, they're like really good friends. They do a lot of stuff together.

Amanda: They're like- they're like iconic friends.

Lauren: Yeah.

Amanda: So upstairs through the elevator bank is the ball and outside is Anderson and TV cameras and reporters, by the way-

Julia: Oh!

Eric: Whoa.

Amanda: - from every news outlet in the world. Were kind of craning their necks trying to see what's happening.

Julia: I feel like if I may make a suggestion, if we can be the heroes that sober up Anderson Cooper-

Brandon: [sings] a hero!

Julia: -those of you who want to be interviewed will probably be interviewed.

Lauren: That's a good point. Yeah, like that.

Eric: Is my RA from college there saying the only way to sober up is for time, or, or [1:02:31]

Amanda: No one is saying that in Times Square on New Year's Eve.

Julia: I think we just feed him a lot of carbs.

Lauren: Yeah.

Julia: That would be a good plan

Brandon: I do think that like my goal of hobnobbing with the rich and famous will be easier if I get one or two on my side first. Or I can like hop into their pocket or something as they go up. So I think this is the easiest route.

Amanda: I like it. There is certainly a VIP after-party up by the ball viewing platform. So many opportunities to hobnob if this goes well.

Lauren: Excellent.

Eric: I wonder if the best way, yeah, I am with you. I'm with you. Julia. I wonder if the best way to do it is if we can go back into the kitchen and get a bunch of the carbs.

Julia: Right

Eric: Where all this coming from especially if there is a endless nether world that gives us all the endless food as I'm supposing.

Julia: You want to open a portal into this nether world that is providing all of these breadsticks?

Eric: It's like a ghost kit- this is like before ghost kitchens with is the precursor, and it's all one kitchen and it's all coming from the nether world which is all we're all endless food comes from.

Lauren: Of course

Julia: I support Kevin??'s mission. Really-

Brandon: Yeah.

Julia: -truly I do. So let's do that.

Brandon (as Buckwheat): Let's go!

Eric: Let's head to let's try to find the kitchen.

Amanda: Yes, you can absolutely as much it's easy to get out of buildings the security guards are just doing that kind of like slapping the like little squat TV with an antenna for some reason as they are standing at the at the desk mostly because they're people coming in. So for y'all to walk under the little glass barrier and out into Times Square is easy peasy. Let's just get 2 D6 from each of you. There's no chaos.

[shaking and throwing dice all around]

Lauren: 0 successes.

Julia: 0 success.

Amanda: Mine is 1.

[dice roll]

Eric: Oh, God. I got 0 as well, fuck.

Julia: Brandon? It's all on Brandon? Okay.

Brandon: I got 2!

[everybody cheers]

Lauren: Thank God.

Amanda: Wow. Okay.

Eric: We all got distracted by various things and then there's a little hat.

Lauren: And we just follow the hat.

Amanda: Follow the hat. That's what I-

Brandon: Underneath the hat, if you- this camera can zoom in underneath the hat- through the hat you know and you just-

Amanda: X-ray.

Brandon: -see me trotting along like.

Brandon (as Buckwheat): dep dep dep dep dooo!

Amanda: So right in front of you is the platform with Anderson Cooper, and then across the street from him, so just like diagonal to your right and maybe like 15 feet away is the doors of the Olive Garden where all of this is like the TV production and VIP sides. There's not many people the sidewalk just has like a bunch of cables and like you know kind of PAs are kind of running from one place to another. But the doors of the Olive Garden are just open as staff go in and out refilling their canapé trays and Anderson, you can- if you crane your little goat necks, he's sitting in the in the Canvas chair saying--

Amanda (as Anderson Cooper): No, I don't want to. No. Why did this happen to me? Does anyone remember The Mole?

Amanda: He just pushes away a Margaritaville slider, he pushes away a piece of pizza. Everything that people are trying to give to him. He pushes away a McDonald's fries saying-

Amanda (as Anderson Cooper): I don't want it.

Eric: Incredible.

Brandon: I did watch The Mole live on television when it first came out. So...

[everyone agreeing]

Amanda: Me too.

Eric: Yeah.

Amanda: Huge.

Eric: My trivia team for a long time was called Anderson Cooper Presents The Mole. We were undefeated. That was a great trivia team.

Julia: The only thing I know about the mole is one time I must have watched the finale and they were showing you like, all of the like hidden signs throughout it. And one of them was like they superimpose that person's zodiac sign constellation in the sky during a night shot. I'm like that is-

Brandon: Wow.

Julia: -brilliant.

Eric: You should watch it.

Amanda: It's on Netflix. You can just watch The Mole.

Eric: Let's all rewatch it.

Eric: So, we abandon this mission.

Brandon and Lauren: [snickering] Let's watch the mole.

Eric: Let's just head into Olive Garden.

Julia: Yeah.

Eric: I still have the- I definitely want to want to punch the guy out.

Amanda: Yeah.

Eric: So I want to make sure that he– that he gets overtime somehow but I feel like we if we can if no one's [1:06:14] let's just head in.

Amanda: No, the door's just open, yeah.

Brandon (as Buckwheat): Follow me!

Amanda: So inside the– the host stand, and it sounds like the restaurants been cleared out as if they're catering a big event which they kind of are like all the tables and chairs and the host stand had been pushed aside the bar is like like the house lights are on in the restaurant almost. Where there are just lots of people kind of walking in now from different stations like refilling stuff. No one's really there right like customers are not here they've shut down this whole section of Times Square. So the– the door to the kitchen are just propped open to give better ventilation to the people working back there. And along the sides of the lobby, there are huge, like those soup pots that you can plug in from like buffets and stuff or like oatmeal at breakfast buffets. There's that but they're the size of kiddie pools filled with one with minestrone soup, one is cooling actually, it's like a electric powered cooling station filled with overdressed salad. And then the final one, like a French bakery filled with baguettes is just filled, filled, filled with breadsticks.

Eric: Perfect.

Brandon: I'm sorry, you said overdressed salad? I don't really understand what that is or means.

Eric: It's endless.

Amanda: To each their own.

Eric: It will– Brandon it's wearing a bow tie and a top hat and a monocle and it has a cane and it has tails and it has those fancy wingtips.

Julia: It's too much.

Eric: Please stop me I'm gonna literally keep going.

Brandon: Delicious.

Eric: And it has pocketwatch.

Amanda: STOP!

Julia: No, no, no. Keep going.

Brandon: Wait, go ahead. I'll just star. One.

Eric: No, no, I did like seven- I already did seven you don't get to start at one.

Amanda: Pravat, type in, shoe covers.

Brandon: Three.

Amanda: Cufflinks.

Brandon: Four.

Eric: Two vests.

Brandon: Five.

Eric: It's- it's wearing a tie-

Brandon: Six.

Eric: -that says world best dad on it

Julia: Cummerbund.

Amanda: Ascot.

Brandon: Seven.

Amanda: Under the tie.

Eric: Ooh, cummerbund is good. Yeah.

Amanda: Yeah.

Julia: What's the thing called like? Like a dickey? That's not a full shirt, but it like goes underneath the vest. One of those.

Lauren: Yeah, I think it is called a dickey.

Brandon: Nine.

Lauren: Yeah. Yeah. Can I dive into the pool of breadsticks?

Amanda: Yeah, Lauren, no one's stopping you.

Lauren: I do that and I just started eating them.

Amanda: Amazing. Give me 4 D6 But again, I have nothing in the chaos bowl right now. So odds are good.

Lauren: How many breadsticks can I eat? [shakes and rolls dice] 2 successes.

Amanda: Excellent. That is enough. Yeah, you- you hop on into the breadstick canister. I'm gonna add one die to the chaos pool because if somebody comes you're obviously a goat standing in the heated soup. Oddly, like getting into a Jacuzzi. Like it's warm and feels great and it's just filled pillowy bread.

Lauren: Oh, the dream.

Eric: I would love to know where where this is coming from?

Amanda: Yeah.

Eric: I don't know if the nether is a real thing or it's something I've convinced myself.

Amanda: Oh, Eric, there's like you know, there's like swinging like Western style double doors?

Eric: Yeah.

Amanda: They're there but they're propped open. There is steam billowing out from the kitchen and actually the light in there is red washed because somebody got a lot of marinara on the fluorescent light.

Eric: No! Damn it. I'm still gonna go over there and gonna be like--

Eric (as Kevin??): My Dark Lord, please help us in our time of need. We want to be famous and we want to eat things and Anderson Cooper, he's just too drunk. I know one of your emissaries Andy Cohen must have cursed him and now we have to like, reverse it.

Amanda: Andy Cohen started doing the Times Square thing since 2018, if you believe it.

Eric: Oh, Kathy Griffin. Still counts

Amanda: What's your– what's your aim here? What are you trying to achieve?

Eric: Well, assume that the- that this is a window into my house which is the netherworld.

Amanda: Yeah.

Eric: So I would love to try to figure out if it if this is here. If we get some guidance of what to do next for us to sober up Anderson Cooper and become famous.

Amanda: Excellent. Give me 6 D6. Because you are going into the place where you can eat and taste whatever you like. You are doing your satanic mission. [shaking dice] And that is lots [rolls dice] of good stuff. And we have one of the chaos pool.

Eric: Fuck, I only rolled 1

Julia: I would like to assist you. Let me think--

Amanda: Great.

Julia: How I'm gonna do that? I mean, if we're going in there, it's because there are like additional canapés in there, right?

Amanda: Oh, yeah.

Julia: And also, I feel like as a fancy goat I'm also a rich goat and therefore I probably deserve to be in the netherworld. So...

Amanda: It's VIP. It's VIP.

Eric: VIP, very exclusive.

Amanda: Yeah, give me 6 D6

Brandon: Can I also- I'm also going to help but I'm just going to sit next to Kevin?? and just like do some basic like, worship of like, power up this ritual sacrifice of eating.

Amanda: Incredible.

Julia: So I rolled 6 D6, I did roll 1 success.

Amanda: Guys, what's happening?

Brandon: I just want 2, 2 D6. [shakes and throws dice]

Amanda: Yes.

Brandon: I got no successes.

Julia: Oh my gosh.

Lauren: [snickering] Oh, man.

Eric: I guess Satan's not real? Which is unfortunate.

Lauren: Yeah, kind of feels like it.

Amanda: So what is it total, 4? You got 1, 1, and 2?

Eric: No, Brennan got 0.

Julia: We have 2.

Amanda: Oh, well. I got 1 success, meaning that we are adding something else to the chaos pool because things are going a little bit wrong.

Brandon (as Buckwheat): Oh Satan. Oh my Dark Lord. Oh Satan.

Amanda: So, Eric, someone notices Kevin?? as he stands in the doorway of the kitchen, which is getting very busy. People are running in and out constantly trying to refill trays, waiter trays and catering trays with food and you are just bleating loudly as you stand thre yelling for your master, Satan. And I just want to remind you guys that goats pupils are vertical, or like slits, and really fucking creepy. And show the satanic light of this marinara-soaked kitchen. The steam billowing out from the dishwasher in the stove. And you startle a line cook who is standing near you dipping things into the fryer and he screams, he releases his fry basket in fright as his hands go up over his head and the fry basket soars across the kitchen where it hits the emergency shutoff valve and there is a blackout in the Times Square Olive Garden.

Brandon and Lauren: No!

Brandon: Or yeah?

Amanda: I mean...

Eric: This is a signal that maybe my whole thing was wrong so we're worried that it's right?

Amanda: Or maybe it's right.

Eric (as Kevin??): My Dark Master, thank you so much for your help. blahahhhhh! Let's get- there's no more let's– let's take what we have and just bring it to Andy Coops.

Lauren: Yeah, I think we can in the darkness just steal so many canapés, right?

Amanda: You can, you can– you can take whatever you like on your way out as people are around the kitchen. Like they have a protocol for this., they're not gonna like run you know, they kind of like stand back with their backs against their stations and wait for the manager to turn back on the breaker.

Julia: Can I also steal a pot of coffee from this Olive Garden?

Lauren: Smart.

Eric: Smart.

Amanda: Definitely. Yeah.

Julia: Great.

Amanda: Give me- give me--

Julia: I choose like a very fancy-looking espresso blend.

Brandon: I was about to say it's gonna be espresso, right? We are--

All: Yeah.

Brandon: --high-class Italian goat mob.

Amanda: You know those little espresso cups with like the paper wings that form a handle? [general agreement] You have those in your little teeth. So give me 4 D6.

Julia: Great.

Brandon: Can I- you also look around and I'm not gonna roll on this but you see Buckwheat try to grab the kiddie pool full of soup and just like drag it with his teeth.

Julia: Yeah! [giggles] To no avail.

Amanda: Yeah.

Eric: I want to do that also with the– with the breadsticks though, definitely.

Lauren: And I get out and help.

Eric: Oh, you could stay, you could stay in there. I don't want to disrupt your good time.

Amanda: I think, you guys like there's a– there's a little liner like an Insta pot. There's a liner inside the breadsticks. So between the two of you if you would like to take the liner of breadsticks, you can.

Lauren: Yeah.

Eric: Okay, but the greeting card is Lauren swimming in the breadsticks.

Amanda: That image will never leave us. So everybody.

[dice rolls]

Julia: I rolled 3 successes.

[dice rolls]

Amanda: Amazing.

Eric: I got 2 successes.

Amanda: Great.

Lauren: I got 2 successes.

Amanda: Amazing. The cast pool failed. There was no successes among it. So you succeed. And Julia, you have your little espresso cup with a tiny cookie balanced on top of the lids.

Julia: [In an Italian accent] A biscotti.

Amanda: Exactly. You have Kevin?? and Ramekin. You have the breadsticks between you.

Lauren: Excellent.

Brandon: But the waiter calls it a bis-ca-tti.

Julia: Oh no!

Lauren: Let's go save Anderson.

Eric: Yeah, let's go. Just dragging, dragging in front of the cameras, let's get on tape.

Lauren: Let's just dragging a pile of breadsticks just in the streets.

Amanda: Yeah, so as you cross the– the single closed street between the Olive Garden and the platform, people are again, no one's really noticing you there's like much bigger stuff going on. Martha and Snoop are tackling, Martha's like, crying in her laughter about something that Snoop has said as the internet falls in love with the two of them as a duo. As PAs run in between the sub borrow and the McDonald, they're trying desperately to find something that Anderson will eat. So there are a couple of different staircases that lead up to this platform, not= not a lot going on you can just kind of head up.

Eric: Yeah, let's do it.

Lauren: Great. Yeah.

Eric: There's nothing I would like more than if this actually happened of just like blatantly four goats tried to shove food and drink into Anderson Cooper. Like, let's just do it, man.

All: Yeah.

Lauren: Absolutely.

Julia: Let's- I would like to offer up my coffee my [in an Italian accent] espresso and I would like to also like tip my hat and like offer up whatever canapé he might be interested in in this moment.

Amanda: Let's get 2 D6 from everybody to get up onto the platform to share it with Anderson, please.

Brandon: Well, I'm gonna make a mockery of this physical barrier.

Amanda: Oh yeah.

Brandon: Because it's stairs and I– I know how to jump because I'm small so I've learned how to be sort of a mountain goat so I know how to like just make a walk around it.

Amanda: That's right.

[dice shaking]

Eric: I thought though– though I really want you on top- on Anderson Cooper's head if you can facilitate that.

Amanda: That might get there. Brandon, you- you do like a parkour jump like from side to side of the steps. Yeah.

Brandon: Thank you. Thank you for understanding me, Amanda. I only got 1 success.

Amanda: Okay.

Julia: Same. 2 successes for me.

Amanda: I got 1

Amanda: Okay, so that's a total of 5. The cast pool had no successes. So you you are able to get up onto the platform where Anderson Cooper is slumped over in the chair, the television camera is there but the– the sort of like light on the top of it is dim as the camera operator stands behind it just like texting his tweets to Twitter because it's 2016. And PAs are just like, like sobbing like banging their heads against to the side. There are reporters thronged underneath looking up whispering to each other like--

Amanda (as a reporter): What is happening here?

Amanda: And Anderson goes--

Amanda (as Anderson Cooper): I don't want a no, no. No.

Eric: Amanda did just hit me in the face in real in real world. I just want to say that.

Brandon: I just love the idea of take a static frame shot of Anderson Cooper and then you just see four goats come into frame.

Eric: I feel like if we can shove the breadsticks into his hands, then the espresso-- then he will be distracted to get the espresso in there.

Julia: And then we tip his head back and forth.

Eric: Yeah, exactly.

Lauren: Can we like dip the breadsticks in the– in the espresso?

Eric: Oh, fuck yeah, dude.

Lauren: And like, hand it to him?

Amanda: You’re tiny little chaos goats.

Julia: Yeah.

Eric: Absolutely. I would also like I would love to just be eating the breadsticks at the same time.

Amanda: Yeah.

Eric: Like a chef preparing a meal. I just been like-

Eric (as Kevin??): One is for you, one for me.

Amanda: Yeah. Are you eating one end of the breadstick as you try to Lady in the Tramp the other end?

[general agreement]

Eric: Yes. I dug into the [in an Italian accent] espresso. And then I Lady of the Tramp Anderson Cooper.

Amanda: Eric, I'll say because this is a very interviewable moment and you do see representatives from the demonic Tatler Page 666 down in the crowd. You can roll 6 D6. Lauren, same for you as you are assisting here. Julia, you can go ahead. Are you yelling or bleating at all?

Julia: Yes, I'm trying to get his attention and like wake him up from his stupor by bleating loudly.

Amanda: To make him yeah, drop his mouth open in astonishment.

Julia: Yeah.

Eric: Oh, some deep memory of him in a palatial estate in the country where he's woken up by-

Amanda: Farm animal.

Eric: It's one of the various Vanderbilt estates that he's woken up by farm animals in the morning so he's reminded of that.

Amanda: Oh, yeah.

Brandon: I'm gonna try to hobnob with this passed out man because he is rich and famous.

Amanda: True.

Brandon: I'm also gonna do my Broadway routine- dance routine right in front of him.

Lauren: That will wake them up.

Brandon: Just to try to get attention, you know, just like doing the hat on and off my head. But it's really big and cute.

Julia: Awww!

Eric: Brandon, that's how the Godfather got made. Is hobnobbing to someone who was passed out at a party.

Amanda: Brandon, it sounds like you're partying hard. So get 2 bonus D6 there, my man.

Brandon: Yeah, so do I do 4 and then + 2?

Amanda: 1, 2. Yes, 4 plus 2.

Brandon: [while shaking his dice] I am gonna party fucking hard baby.

Julia: I got 3 successes. [throws dice]

Lauren: Same.

Eric: I only got 1 unfortunately. Jesus, who would have thought that dunking breadsticks into espresso and then lady in the tramping was not a good idea.

Julia: You would have thought that it would be okay.

Lauren: Yeah.

Eric: Yeah.

Brandon: I only got 2 successes.

Amanda: So that's 6 + 2 + 1. Okay, amazing. Well, the DC to get this done and to wake him up was 8, so you succeeded. [cheering] To do it enough that the camera didn't notice was a 10. So the camera turns on. And the camera operators like--

Amanda (as Camera Operator): Oh, is this is this a bit like did the word it was there a petting zoo?

Amanda: So we see here, a pygmy goat named Buckwheat dancing on Anderson Cooper's lap. We have a fancy goat named Whitney yelling in his face. We have a satanic goat with slitted pupils, feeding him a breadstick one one end in your mouth one end and Anderson's mouth as another fancy goat with no diamond bracelet but lots of style is assisting there in the middle.

Brandon: I see no issue with this.

Lauren: I honestly, being on TV in this capacity is almost better than being interviewed by TM- Too Much Zoo.

Eric: The taxi driver from earlier steps out of a pawn shop holding $1,000. And he sees this and he says--

Eric (as the Taxi Driver): New York City, best city in the world!

[laughter]

Amanda: And Anderson Cooper startles awake and says-

Amanda (as Anderson Cooper): HAPPY NEW YEAR!

Amanda: And the whole crowd looks around and goes-

Amanda (as the crowd): Happy New Year?

Amanda: And the pie there's like an operator sticking his neck over the edge of the building-

Eric: Isn't it just like, 9:30?

Amanda: -with his hand on the button, as he says--

Amanda (as the operator): HAPPY NEW YEAR?!

Amanda: And in panic hits the button. So at 9:30 PM [laughter] on December 31, 2015, the ball lights up, the confetti cannons go off, the PAs cry and take off their headsets as Anderson Cooper stands up and joins the little jaunty ditty as the crowd begins to sing Auld Lang Syne.

[all bleating to the tune of Auld Lang Syne]

Eric: You know, what's funny is that that is how Auld Lang Syne goes.

Lauren: Yeah.

Amanda: Yes.

Julia: Yeah.

Eric: That is the- all of the lyrics that I know of the Auld Lang Syne.

Lauren: That's the original Gaelic, actually.

Amanda: And that concludes the goat party, guys.

[cheering]

Eric: Goat Part 2: With The Legend of Anderson Cooper's Gold.

Brandon: Thank you, Amanda!

Julia: Thank you, Amanda!

Eric: Thank you, Amanda.

Amanda: Goat party. Thanks, guys.

Lauren: That was so fun!

Brandon: Amanda, you're the G.O.A.T. goat master. Do you get it?

Amanda: Thank you.

Eric: Wow.

Brandon: Did you get it?

Eric: Brandon, explain it. Brandon, explain it. Brandon, explain it.

[Julia laughs]

[JTP theme]