Welcome to the Federation of Free Lancers - a group of adventurers who traverse the galaxy, save the day, and fill out a LOT of paperwork. Join Foxtrot Squad on a recovery mission full of shenanigans, science, and emotions!
We’re playing Lasers & Feelings by John Harper.
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Cast & Crew
- Co-Host, Co-Producer: Eric Silver
- Co-Host, Co-Producer, Editor, Sound Designer, Composer: Brandon Grugle
- Co-Host, Co-Producer: Amanda McLoughlin
- GM, Co-Host, Co-Producer: Julia Schifini
- Multitude: multitude.productions
About Us
Join the Party is a D&D actual play podcast with tangible worlds, genre-pushing storytelling, and collaborators who make each other laugh each week. We welcome everyone to the table, from longtime players to folks who’ve never touched a roleplaying game before. Begin with Campaign 2 (The Join Campaign) for a modern, sci-fi superhero game, or marathon all of Campaign 1 (The Party Campaign) for a high fantasy story. And once a month we release the Afterparty, where we answer your questions about the show and how we play the game. New episodes every Tuesday.
Transcript
Julia: Hello, adventurers. Hey, what's up? It's me, your GM Julia? Question mark?
[feigned shock all around the recording]
Eric: What?!
Amanda: What!?
Brandon: Julia? What are you doing? Where do you get that big chair?
Julia: I took the big chair. Look at my orb. It's a big orb.
Eric: Julia came to Brooklyn, took my chair, and now it's in her house which felt rude.
Julia: I had to go on the LIRR with it. It was quite a pain in the ass.
Amanda: And said," I'm the king of the train now."
Julia: Ohhhh! I'm the train now.
Brandon: You are the train, everyone get on me.
Julia: Everyone get on me. [whispers] I'll carry you to safety. I am industry now. So hello. I'm gonna be GM-ing for us this week.
[Everyone cheering]
Julia: And we are going to be playing an adventure that I came up with and we are going to be utilizing the game system, Lasers and Feelings.
Brandon: [sings] Lasers and feelings!
Eric: Pew pew pew pew pew!
Julia: Pew pew pew. It is a great like one page tabletop RPG. It is the Doubleclicks tribute RPG and it is by John Harper. You can find more of his stuff at johnharper.itch.io If you're interested.
Brandon (as a Commercial Narrator): Lasers and Feelings does not include any Triple A batteries. You do need two Triple A batteries in order to play Lasers and Feelings. Not Included.
Eric: Oh, no! I only have D batteries. Shit!
Julia: Well, we don't need D batteries. But we do need D6s.
Everyone: Oooh!
Brandon: You've earned your worth as a GM already.
Julia: Aha! So Lasers and Feelings; Typically it is a game where you play the crew of an interstellar ship and you go to missions in uncharted regions of space, that kind of stuff. We will be doing something a little bit differently. But we will still be using the basics of Lasers and Feelings, which I will explain for you now. Basically, each of our players is going to be playing some sort of role on a ship or a team of intergalactic travelers. Each of you also is going to pick a number from two to five. High numbers mean that you are better at Lasers, which is like technology, science, cold rationality, calm, precise action. And then low numbers mean that you are better at Feelings, which is intuition, diplomacy, seduction, wild, passionate action, that sort of thing. If you are trying to do something in the game, if you're doing something that is particularly risky, you are going to roll a 1 D6 to find out how it goes. You also can roll additional 1 D6s depending on whether or not you are prepared, like you prepared an action or you brought something with you that is going to help that action and an additional 1 D6 upon that if you are an expert at the thing that you're going to do. So say the engineer needs to look at a computer system and determine what's up with that, they can roll in additional 1 D6 as an expert. I will tell you whether or not you can roll those. You can, I invite you guys to make good arguments for me whether or not like, "Hey, yeah, I am an expert at feelings actually." And you then roll that number of dice and then you compare each die to your result. If you're rolling lasers, which is again, science and reason you want to roll under your number. And if you're using feelings, which is again like passion and stuff like that, you want to roll over your number. And how many of those dice succeed determines the outcome of the action.
Brandon: Cool. So if we roll 3 D6, it's the individual dice that succeed or fail, not the total number.
Julia: Yes, correct. So if you roll like a 1, a 2 and a 6 and your number is a 3, and you're trying to get Lasers, that is 2 successes and 1 failure.
Brandon: Got it.
Julia: So you would succeed in that case.
Brandon: Cool.
Julia: Now I mentioned that you guys have these numbers, if you roll your number exactly, you have Laser Feelings!
Amanda: Pew pew pew! Pew pew pew! Brandon, can just like underscore like a laser battle kind of tune-
Brandon: PEW! PEW! LASERS AND FEELINGS!!
Amanda: Thank you!
Eric: Oh, I'm I got shot by your laser feelings. My leg hurts but I'm also connected to you more, our relationship is deeper.
Julia: So, Laser Feelings is an automatic success for you. Additionally, because you have Laser Feelings, you now have special insight into the situation that is going on and you can ask me as the GM a question that I have to answer honestly for you.
Eric: Cool.
Brandon: Cool. Okay.
Julia: You also can assist your fellow players through helping which is basically if you want to help someone else who is rolling, you have to say how you're trying to help them either if it's a like, technological support, that would be a Lasers Help. If it is more of a like, I'm backing his play you know, I'm making him feel better kind of like Bard Inspiration that would be a Feelings Help. And you then say how you're trying to help, you then make your role and if you succeed in that role, you can give them that additional 1 D6.
Eric: Got it.
Brandon: So I roll the die first if I'm helping Amanda and if I succeed, then Amanda gets to add an extra die to her roll.
Julia: Exactly.
Brandon: Cool.
Julia: Oh, you guys are nailing this. It's almost like you're a well-organized team already.
Brandon: That can't be right.
Amanda: I don't know how long that'll last. But we're gonna try.
Julia: So do we have any questions before we get the Lasers and also Feelings started?
Brandon: When I get a Laser Feelings roll, can I just ask you about like, anything, like your feelings?
Julia: I mean, you can ask me about my feelings any day of the week, Brandon.
Brandon: Okay.
Julia: You're my friend, and you can ask me about my feelings.
Brandon: Wonderful. That's all I had, then.
Eric: Julia, just a quick GM tip here. I would not have opened up the door for us to cajole you because I'm going to cajole you so fucking hard for dice now.
Julia: Fair enough.
Amanda: Less of a question, more of a comment.
Julia: This seems like payback and that's fine.
Eric: Excuse me.
Brandon: Just a GM chip here from me. Don't ever listen to Eric about anything.
Eric: Oh, Julia, just another DM tip for you. You can just kill Brandon's character whenever you want.
Amanda: Oh, also Julia, just from last week, the more goats you add to the One Shot the more people will forgive you not being a good GM because there's goats there.
Julia: I just got real anxious all of a sudden, what’s happening?
[Everybody laughs]
Eric: Oh, I gotta put more goats into my game.
Julia: Oh no.
Amanda: Ah, shit.
Julia: There's no goats in this so far.
Amanda: It's okay, It's okay. It's okay.
Julia: Are we ready? Are we good?
Eric: Yeah.
Amanda: Yeah.
Eric: Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Julia: Alright.
[galactic music playing]
Julia: So your team are members of the Federation of Free Lancers. Tasked with serving at the leisure of the galaxy. Sure, it is a life of frustrating employers and constantly late invoices. But being a Free Lancer is a life of adventure.
Eric: God fucking damn it, Julia.
[laughter]
Julia: Also a lot of paperwork. Don't get me started on how to figure out how to pay taxes. You are Foxtrot Squad, the best of the best-
Amanda: [whisper] Nice.
Julia: -the most efficient squad in the Federation of Free Lancers. No task is too small or too big because when a job comes in, you've got to take it, you're Free Lancers! Now would you guys like to introduce yourselves.
Brandon: Fuck yeah, now just real quick, are we Free space Lancers?
Julia: You are, there's a space there.
Brandon: Fuck yeah!
Eric: Free- Free-Lancers is actually a cult that popped up on a different planet.
Brandon: Right.
Eric: Where eventually in order to free your soul for it to go up to Sol, which is a different Sun totally different sun, you have to kill yourself with the lance. Just a space lance right into your bod.
Brandon: This game got dark real quick.
Julia: There's actually a entire branch of the Free Lancers who are constantly trying to take out the Free dash Lancers.
Amanda: Yeah.
Eric: Yeah.
Amanda: Free-Lancers.net as opposed to freelancers.org is really confusing.
Eric: Honestly, that's why they did it. That's it you get to the cult and be like, "Oh, you don't want to file your taxes. You want to let your soul escape into our sun, correct?"
Amanda: I mean, I would.
Julia: Brandon, why don't you go first?
Brandon: Okay. My name is, no I'm gonna do it in character. Hang on.
Brandon (as Jet Byrne): I'm Jet Byrne!
[Eric wheezes]
Julia: Okay.
Eric: No, but Brandon who is your- what's your character's name?
Brandon: I'm Jet Byrne with a y.
Amanda: Oooh!
Brandon: All of us have to choose a style and a role for our character. So I am- my style is Intrepid and my role is Explorer. So I am an Intrepid Explorer. I think you can sort of get the inspiration that I have for this boy. For my number from 2 to 5, I feel like I'm probably a 3, I'm much more of a passionate intuitive actor. But I'm also can you know wield a space gun if I needed to. He dresses well. He has an indiscriminate amount of partners of every species.
Amanda: Good for him.
Brandon: All committed.
Amanda: In their way.
Eric: They're all coded as female so they all regardless of what their biology is, they all have- like the chest.
Brandon: Well, Eric, that would be true in Earth space sci fi but with Jet Byrne, he doesn't have any of those hang-ups.
Eric: Oh, okay, good.
Brandon: Yeah, but– but you're spot on in general.
Julia: Jet Byrne does have to fill out a lot of paperwork every tax season because of the amount of partners that he has, you know, just so they get like, additional benefits.
Eric: And space dependents.
Julia: Yeah.
Brandon: Yeah. Lots of space dependents, and he's happy to do it. He loves all of his partners.
Julia: That's great. I'm very happy for Jet Byrne.
Amanda: Love to see it.
Eric: Incredible.
Julia: Amanda, why don't you introduce your character next.
Amanda (as Dr. Bertha Bones): Now Dr. Bertha Bones may be humble southern lawyer.
[Everyone laughs]
Amanda (as Dr. Bertha Bones): But, she-
Julia: Is she a lawyer and a doctor?
Amanda (as Dr. Bertha Bones): She is now mostly a hotshot space doctor. She had a career in Law back in, in the Southern US. But now she is fully a space doctor and a doctor of whatever species needs her help. But more importantly, moreover, the first doctor of a new species because her- her job, and her mission in life is to make new aliens. And if ever somebody comes into her medical bay and they've you know, lost a– an arm in a laser accident or they're adapting to the biology of a new planet and need, you know, maybe gil is kind of grafted onto the side. Dr. Bertha Bones does not ask for permission, Dr. Bertha Bones asks for forgiveness and praise after she makes new hybrid aliens because the pace of evolution is too slow for Dr. Bertha Bones. She's going to instead make whatever inventive new fusions of species she possibly can.
[Brandon chuckles]
Julia: Now, Amanda, I've loved every character that you've ever created. This is perhaps the greatest character you've created in my entire--
Amanda: Thank you. Thank you.
Julia: Incredible.
Amanda: And she is a 4. So she leans Laser, but she sure has some Feelings and sometimes her hot-shotedness overtakes the kind of cold scientific doctor-ness. So that's what Bertha's rockin'.
Julia: Sometimes she just gets real excited about putting a tentacle on someone, you know?
Amanda (as Dr. Bertha Bones): Yeah! Are tentacles ever needed? Not really questions ever crossed her mind. Are tentacles wanted? Always.
Brandon: I'd take some tentacles.
Julia: Excellent. Thank you, Dr. Bertha Bones. And Eric, how about you introduce your character now?
Eric: Absolutely. I'm glad that I'm able to give this introduction to my fellow players because the other folks on the ship might not recognize the face of my character that much because he's always in the Engine Bay or working on the AI of the ship.
Eric (as Kirkwood Gaps): [exhausted, quiet voice] Hello, everybody. I'm Kirkwood Gaps. I'm the Engineer. I'm so tired. [giggles] Keeping the ship running is a full-time job and then it's another full-time job, like caring for it, if you know what I'm saying? It's also because I'm in love with the AI of the ship.
Amanda: Oh!
Eric (as Kirkwood Gaps): Her name is Barb. None of you treat Barb with respect. I know-
Brandon: What does Barb stand for?
Eric (as Kirkwood Gaps): Uh, Barb is short for Barbecue Ribs, which is the name, what I named the ship.
Amanda: Oh.
Eric (as Kirkwood Gaps): But you– you might not know my– my name actually is Kirkwood Gaps. You might know me as Chef, because I take all of the disparate parts that are the ship's engine, and I put it together into a beautiful humming meal of Barb, my beautiful lover, and companion for eternity.
Brandon: That's beautiful.
Eric (as Kirkwood Gaps): Yeah. So you- I'm Chef, you know me as Chef.
Brandon (as Jet Byrne): It's nice to meet you.
Eric (as Chef): Barb and I have been together if you if you update her, I will murder you with a Space Lancer and not not not in a way that will make your soul go into Space and be accepted by Space God.
Amanda (as Dr. Bertha Bones): And Chef, are you interested in like fusing with Barb? Because we can, there's been a lot of advances around cybernetics that could be really interesting.
Eric (as Kirkwood Gaps): Dr. Bones-
Brandon (as Jet Byrne): I did not know that you could have sex with a ship. This opens up a lot of possibilities for me!
Eric (as Kirkwood Gaps): Both of you, please stay goddamn away from Barb, I swear to God. Both of you have issues that you need to work out both in terms of the sexual and the animalium. Please know I know I already have done my own cybertronics.
Eric: I have like, all my fingertips are robotic. So like they're very subtle additions. If you look at like my fingertips and my– my foots, the foot pads, they're made out of they– they're made of Cybertronic. And also, I have like a hologram going on my beard to fill it in. Because I've been shocked so many times like my beard is very patchy. So, I have like, I have a constant like hologram going to fill all that stuff in.
Amanda (as Dr. Bertha Bones): That's fine. That's fine. I just feel like we could have a really fruitful partnership. But you know, you do you.
Eric (as Kirkwood Gaps): Absolutely not, stay away from the ship.
Julia: Can you tell me what your number is for your character?
Eric: Yes, I'm straight up 5. I'm all, I'm all Lasers.
Eric (as Kirkwood Gaps): I'm trying to get feelings from having a committed relationship. But it's very hard. Because we're both kind of just like bumbling. We're just bumbling in this relationship. And I need you both to stay away and never in a million years go near me or the ship.
Julia: Understandable.
Amanda (as Dr. Bertha Bones): I mean, I am– I am kind of in the ship. Would that- is that okay?
Eric (as Kirkwood Gaps): No, that's fine.
Amanda (as Dr. Bertha Bones): Okay.
Eric (as Kirkwood Gaps): But you just don't- if you if I come in and there's a tentacle on anything then we're going to have an extreme problem.
Amanda (as Dr. Bertha Bones): Listen, I- despite all appearances, I do respect boundaries and I only cross and fuse and make new species for the patients that- that need my help.
Eric (as Kirkwood Gaps): You will only- yeah, only you only I remember you asking for consent before you put– before you put another eye on someone's- someone's forehead. Oh no, I don't. That's a lie.
Amanda (as Dr. Bertha Bones): You know-
Eric (as Kirkwood Gaps): You do not do that.
Amanda (as Dr. Bertha Bones): Just in the heat of the moment. There's a gash there. I'm gonna fill it with eye! I don't know! What else you expect from me?
Eric (as Kirkwood Gaps): I don't know when you think someone being covered in ooze is an opportunity for them to give 'Tentacle Consent' but it's not. It's just not.
Amanda (as Dr. Bertha Bones): I mean, they're halfway to tentacles already!
Julia: There's a reason that you guys don't have a pilot anymore and it's because Simon has an eye that he didn't ask for.
Amanda (as Dr. Bertha Bones): I can take it out. Come on!
Julia: Tell me your space fashions.
Eric: I think just coveralls but honestly, they're stained and I don't- I only have one that I really wear all the time. So it was like gray but it used to be white.
Julia: Great.
Eric: Yeah. I don't know why space decided to give me white coveralls that feels rude.
Amanda: Dr. Bertha Bones is wearing the garb of an 18th Century surgeon. She- if you just picture like the show The Knick. She is wearing a full suit with like a white apron over it. And sometimes it's covered in whatever. She just has an endless supply of those.
Julia: Concerning. Thank you, Dr. Bertha Bones.
Brandon: Jet is wearing a double-breasted red leather jacket. It's got a collar like, What of those shirts called that have like? It's not a collar isn't like a dress collar but it's like-
Amanda: Just a little stand-up-y part?
Brandon: Yeah. A little stand-up-y collar. But sleeveless. It doesn't have any sleeves.
Julia: Naturally.
Brandon: And he has an undershirt obviously. But a long-sleeved undershirt.
Amanda: Wow.
Julia: The guns out?
Brandon: The guns out, nice tight undershirt. And then pants, just tons of pockets. Just lots of pockets. Just so many utility pockets and zippers.
Amanda: What all’s in them?
Brandon: Oh, you know, he's got like-
Julia: He doesn't want to show his hand. He's doesn't want to tell me what's in them.
Amanda: Okay.
Julia: Because he could just make stuff up later.
Brandon: Space prophylactics.
Julia: Naturally. Sure sure.
Brandon: He's got like a laminated Rolodex space card with all of his like numbers and space numbers and ways to communicate with his– his friends and colleagues and partners and photos of everyone and snacks, you know, space granola bars, and his weapons on his belt.
Julia: What kind of weapon is it, Brandon?
Brandon: It's one of those all in one Star Trek style. It's like the Tricorder but if the Tricorder was fused with the laser gun thing.
Julia: Okay.
Brandon: So it's just like an all-in-one. It's not really good at anything. But it does everything, you know?
Julia: I do love a weapon that's not really good at anything. It's wonderful to meet the Foxtrot Squad and you guys are on your way to a mission. And you have put yourself into stasis pods, which is protocol for when you are traveling this far. And you don't want to risk detection by activating a hyperdrive. And Chef, you awake from your stasis pod first and to an alarming sound, which is in fact the ground proximity alarm.
Eric (as Chef): [in a sleepy, less than half-awake voice] Oh, Barb, Barb, turn off the alarm. It's not- I'm so tired. Please. No.
Julia: And Barb, which I now have to come up with a voice for--
Eric: You knew! You knew!
Julia: I know I know. And Barb goes-
Julia (as Barb): [in a chirpy AI voice] Good morning, Chef. I cannot turn off the proximity alarm because my protocol indicates that when we are this low it has to stay on.
Eric (as Chef): Hmm. Babe, five more minutes, please. [wheezing in the background] I'm not I'm not going to eat the weird granola, the space granola that you've decided breakfast is. I don't know where you- what kind of 20th-century videos you're watching that granola is breakfast, it's not.
Julia (as Barb): I learned all of my culinary facts from you.
Eric (as Chef): I was joking when I said Bear Grylls was cooking. No.
Julia (as Barb): I love Bear Grylls.
Eric (as Chef): No. Is this way you keep giving me raw fish that I need a bite through the middle?
Julia (as Barb): Chef, you need to wake up.
Eric (as Chef): Okay, fine.
Eric: I stumbled out of my sleeping pod, still so tired. So, so deeply tired.
Julia: Yeah.
Eric: I'll check the Proximity Alarm.
Julia: Right and so as you're walking over to check the Proximity Alarm, like something feels off about the ship, you know? You're like- you're like still trying to wake up and you're kind of feeling it out and you realize that the Proximity Alarm is going off because the ship is definitely not moving right now. And it takes you another second to realize that the reason that the Ground Proximity Alarm is going off is because you are at this moment on the ground.
Brandon: That's a good alarm.
Eric: Yeah, it tells you exactly what you need.
Julia: Barb goes-
Julia (as Barb): I wanted to let you sleep in but we did land.
Eric (as Chef): Babe, thank you. I appreciate that.
Eric: I pick up two wrenches I use and I use them to batter on the pods of my two crewmates and I assume are Captain, too.
Julia: So you guys because you are Free Lancers actually act without a captain.
Eric: Incredible.
Julia: There is the Head Free Lancer whose name is Safir Seasbury. And so he sends you guys out on missions and assigns missions, but you guys work as basically independent contractors.
Eric: Alright. Safir doesn't live with us because he has a deluxe apartment in the sky. Fine. Yeah, that's fine.
Julia: He lives on the Free Lancer Station. It's all like a big central hub and he's at the center of it.
Eric: I hate that.
Julia: It's a lot of work.
Eric: Yeah, so I pick up two wrenches and I just slam the- I slam one on each one of your pods because I know they won't break them but it sure is unpleasant.
[shocked wheezing noise from Jet]
Amanda (as Dr. Bertha Bones): Ah! Who needs a tentacle?
Eric (as Chef): No one. No one ever needs a tentacle. Wake up.
Amanda (as Dr. Bertha Bones): I'm manifesting it. Every morning I say who needs a tentacle? No one's ever taken me up on it but one day they will.
Julia: Barb goes-
Julia (as Barb): I wonder if you could put a tentacle on someone and then cut it off and make it like, grilled octopus?
Amanda (as Dr. Bertha Bones): Barb, I love that idea.
Brandon (as Jet Byrne): Barb, do we have any granola in the commissary?
Julia (as Barb): We have almost exclusively granola in the commissary.
Brandon (as Jet Byrne): Wonderful. Thank you. Is the commissary the right word?
Julia: Yeah, that's fine. You both come out of your stasis pod. And again, it takes a little bit of time to wake up. And as you're waking up, you see in the center of the room, a hologram flickers to light and you recognize right away that this is a message sent by your boss, the Head Free Lancer, Safir Seasbury. So you see in this holo message that he is sitting at his desk. He is like an extremely tired-looking like Black man with very dark skin, high cheekbones and like, a cybernetic eye that kind of catches the light every now and again while he's talking.
Brandon: Cool.
Julia: And He glances up like you kind of like caught him in the middle of something even though this was definitely a recorded message.
Amanda (as Dr. Bertha Bones): It's a power move.
Julia: He goes-
Julia (as Safir Seasbury): Oh, shit, hey Foxtrot Squad.
Julia: And then you see him as he kind of like looks around his desk and then pulls up file flicks through it and is like-
Julia (as Safir Seasbury): Okay, right. You have- Okay. Oh, here it is. Okay, so this assignment is from the Republic of Concerta Kappa. Seems they had some sort of important cultural artifact stolen from them. As typically happens, it wound up in some museum, and when the museum went under, was bought by a private collector. In accordance with Intergalactic Law, a society can reclaim cultural artifacts at any time, but it doesn’t stop some people from trying to hide their collections away. So you’re currently on the private moon of Madam Ursula Claudelle, who is in possession of the Republic’s artifact. Wow, I’ve said artifact a whole lot, huh? Oh boy. Anyway, it is apparently some sort of technological device, but the representatives of the Republic I spoke to aren’t really all that certain what it will look like. It's kind of one of those things where it's like, you'll know it when you see it. So, all we know is that it is currently being held in a private exhibit within Madam Claudelle’s compound. So it’ll be your job to retrieve it, and then the Federation of Free Lancers gets paid.
Eric: Wait, so we don't even know what it is?
Brandon: We'll know when we see it.
Julia: You'll know when you see it.
Eric (as Chef): Oh, okay. Yeah, I guess that's totally fine.
Brandon (as Jet Byrne): Chef!
Eric (as Chef): And not very confu– and not very confusing.
Brandon (as Jet Byrne): Just follow your feelings. You'll see it.
Eric (as Chef): Oh, so we're going to try to fuck who's ever there. Is that what you mean?
Brandon (as Jet Byrne): No, we're going to retrieve an artifact. Did you not hear the hologram that we just watched?
Eric (as Chef): No, here. Oh, sorry. I didn't know that- you had just woken up, I need to lay all this out for you. I was, so I can say like you, I was making fun of you by saying follow your feelings meant follow your space penis.
Julia: So Safir is still- this is a message, so he didn't stop talking. [laughing] So, you guys gonna miss the end. And he's just like-
Julia (as Safir Seasbury): Anyway, I expect you guys to have this done in a timely manner so we can all get paid by next quarter. Good luck, team.
Julia: And you see him give like a really weak thumbs up and then calls out.
Julia (as Safir Seasbury): Can someone get me more coffee, please?
Julia: And then the hologram freezes like, a really awkward expression on his face. Like when you pause a movie at the wrong time. And then it flickers out of existence.
Brandon (as Jet Byrne): Chef, do you want me to have a word with Barb? You two are wonderful together. I can make that concrete if you'd like.
Eric (as Chef): I-
Brandon (as Jet Byrne): Is that what's going on here?
Eric (as Chef): No, what?
Brandon (as Jet Byrne): Okay.
Eric (as Chef): No.
Brandon (as Jet Byrne): Okay.
Eric (as Chef): Please never- never talk to Barb about anything ever. Even if you need- even if you were dying and you needed oxygen, do not talk to Barb.
Amanda (as Dr. Bertha Bones): No, talk to me. I have a lot of species options that are not oxygen dependent. Clau-delle? Do you think she has claws?
Brandon (as Jet Byrne): Probably, I would hope so.
Julia: Hold on, I had to change something in my notes.
Brandon (as Jet Byrne): I would like to see a list of those oxygen-free options at some point.
Amanda (as Dr. Bertha Bones): No problem, anytime. Literally anytime. There's a note on my pod that says wake me up in the event someone needs an emergency transfusion.
Brandon: Do you go but- sorry, do you go by Bones or what's your-
Amanda: Dr. Bertha Bones
Julia: It's the whole name, Brandon!
Amanda: Dr. Bertha Bones
Julia: Dr. Bertha Bones.
Brandon Dr. Bertha Bones. Okay.
Amanda (as Dr. Bertha Bones): You can add on JD at the end if you prefer. I'm only licensed in one state and that state is no longer a state. So the law part, I kind of leave off.
Eric (as Chef): We have to take- hold on before we leave. We have to take our moment of silence for New Mexico disappearing into space.
Julia: RIP all of New Mexico. No one knows what happened when that rift opened, where you went. Maybe one day we'll find you. There's a whole wing of the Free Lancers that is dedicated to finding New Mexico in the void.
Eric: In the 50th episode of this campaign is when we get the– the Space Empire of Taos which everything- where everything is turquoise, that's the big bad.
Julia: So as Safir mentioned, he would like you guys to do this because there's paperwork to fill out, and like, the sooner it gets done, you know, the sooner that paperwork can get filled out. So what do you guys do?
Brandon: I'm going to go fill up my pockets with space granola-
Julia: Excellent.
Brandon: -and get ready to go off and disembark.
Julia: Alright.
Eric: I'm gonna check with Barb and say,
Eric (as Chef): Barb, Babe. Hey.
Julia (as Barb): Hello.
Eric (as Chef): First of all, has- has Jet been talking to you about human-machine interlocution?
Julia (as Barb): Jet mostly just shows me pictures of his partners and also children.
Eric (as Chef): That's fine. Those part- wait, the partners and the children are different, right?
Julia (as Barb): Yes.
Eric (as Chef): Okay.
Brandon: What?! [laughing]
Julia (as Barb): Yeah, he’s not weird.
Eric (as Chef): Oh, he's space dependents, right.
Brandon (as Barb): Seems like you're making it weird, Chef.
Eric (as Chef): Sorry, I forgot all of his space dependents. Barb, did- did Safir send any sort of plan of what Miss Claudelle's compound looks like? Do we have any sort of schematics?
Julia (as Barb): No, Miss Claudelle is an extremely private person and there are no current or available blueprints or plans for her grounds.
Eric (as Chef): Cool. That's fine. We'll- we can do it the old fashioned way.
Eric: Can I make a roll to like just do some– some, like, scoping out from I assume if we have like some sort of like-
Julia: Drone technology?
Eric: Yeah. Some like drone scout or whatever. I feel like I'm pretty good at this.
Julia: If it's something that you think is already on the ship, I would actually allow you to do 3.
Eric: Yeah.
Julia: Because you're an expert in it and it's also something that you would have on the ship as intergalactic explorers.
Eric: Perfect. Yeah, I want to use like our we have like a space drone that we can like send out. It looks exactly like drones do here, unfortunately. So it has the helicopters on it. It's totally unnecessary. So yeah, I just want to scope out, see if we can find any, any point of egress to get in there.
Julia: Awesome.
Brandon: First roll of the game. FIRST [cheering] ROLL OF THE GAME!
Eric: [dice roll] Alright, I rolled a 4, a 3, and a 3, that is 3 successes, nice! Because I got below five.
Julia: Great. Okay. So basically, what you see when you send the drone out is- this thing is taking readings and also providing a feed for you. You can tell that this planet is enough oxygen levels that you're not going to need like any sort of helmets or suits or anything like that. It is definitely something that has been terraformed already because Madam Claudelle has spent a lot of money terraforming this planet to be kind of her own like, or this moon I should say, to be kind of her own, like personal paradise, right? So the drone goes out of the ship. You see immediately that there are like a big kind of brick wall like you would see outside of a mansion. Except it is like triple the size. It's very high, extremely high. And then when the drone goes beyond that, you see that, you know how at mansions, rich people love fucking hedge mazes?
[Eric mumbling in agreement]
Amanda: Yeah.
Julia: There's a hedge maze in there. And for a second, you can kind of see like, [epic music fades in] a basic layout of what this hedge maze looks like. And you see buildings kind of spread out throughout like a couple of different like points of interest, and then the drone flickers out and static. [fade out]
[Midroll]
Amanda: Hey, it's Amanda. Aren't you enjoying this universe? Oh my gosh, I'm so happy this is a Two-Shot because we had so much to do and love and talk about in Lasers and Feelings-verse. Oh my gosh, I can't believe it. But I know I've talked on the show before about overalls and how lovely they are. Today I am wearing the newest innovation in shorts technology, which is short overalls, the overalls but the shorts. And I know this is not new. I know we all wore them when we were kids. But this is my first pair of adult shorty overalls. And I gotta tell you, life is good. Life is great. My legs are out and I still have overalls on guys. I can't recommend it enough. Short overalls. You gonna love it? First and foremost. Thank you to all of our newest patrons. Shane, Ginga, BTWs, Jordan, Rudy, and Heart, welcome. Thank you for using your hard-earned human dollars in this oppressive capitalist system to support independent artists and support us here at Join the Party. We are so happy that you're here to tell us what you of these One-Shots in our patron-only discord to enjoy a day's worth of bloopers and bonus content from the last four or five years of the show. And of course, to take advantage of your merch discount code in our merch store to buy things like the Campaign 2 poster by Sarah Barra. If you didn't know, patrons get a 10% discount on our whole merch store including fabulous digital items like the Hello Laketown City World Book, Laketown City Mountain Lobsters merch those are physical and even Campaign 1 character pins you can get the Cool Cryptic Compendium you can get the D&D sound kit that Brandon made you can get bone backgrounds ringtones so much stuff, go to jointhepartypod.com/merch to pick up the merch and to become a patron, get that Patreon discount code and join all of the other benefits and spaces and places that our Patreon has to offer. Go to patreon.com/jointhepartypod. Today people, I am happy to announce that Multitude has a brand new podcast! Games and Feelings is an advice podcast about games hosted of course by question keeper, Eric Silver, he and a revolving cast of guests are going to answer your questions at the intersection of fun and humanity. Since you know you have to play games with other people. They're talking to you about every single type of game, video games tabletop, party games, laser tag, escape rooms, game streams, D&D podcasts, the companies and workers that make those games anything you can possibly think of related to games and also feelings. For example, how do you convince people who've only ever played let's say Monopoly before to play the new board game you grabbed? Is an escape room could please have a third date? What makes a video game cozy? And do we have recommendations? The answer any and all questions that are games related? And question askers also get fun advice nicknames like Rolling Bat in Carlsbad, California or Bethesda fan in Bethesda, Maryland. So you know, tons of fun and you know, Eric, you know his personality, you know what he brings to everything he does, it is going to be a fantastic show. It already is in fact, because the first two episodes are out. So you can subscribe now to Games and Feelings wherever you get your podcasts. New episodes are going to come out every other Friday. Trust me, there are some great guests great questions, great episodes coming, you're going to want to subscribe. That's Games and Feelings, which is at gamesandfeelings.com or just search Games and Feelings in your podcast app. We are sponsored this week by Us. Because we are doing a new thing at the Join the Party team in a brand new medium. We are streaming on Twitch! Join the Party Side Quests is where we join the party hosts. And sometimes maybe our friends as well are going to build side quest prompts and storylines based on audience suggestions. This is what we did actually during our 600 patron party. And it was so much fun that we were like um, what if we did this every week on Twitch for everyone to watch. We are so excited. Basically, you give us suggestions and we build settings, items, plot hooks, everything you need to either inspire a new side quest in your home game or maybe even base a whole new campaign of your own off of, and did we mention there's interactive visuals that we add to as we go. We are streaming every Thursday at 6pm Eastern so join us at twitch.tv/jtpsidequests. That link is also in the description of this episode twitch.tv/jtpsidequests every Thursday 6 PM Eastern.
Amanda: We are also sponsored this week by Squarespace. This is a super easy-to-use and beautiful tool for building your brand and growing your business online. Squarespace powers almost all of the websites and Multitude podcasts. It powered my resume editing side gig in college, and now all of Multitude as well. Making a website on Squarespace is the part of launching a podcast like Games and Feelings that makes it feel really real when I put together the Games and Feelings Squarespace I was like oh damn, it's a podcast and it's gonna be in the world so soon. I love their beautiful custom templates very easy-to-use SEO tools and online stores to sell physical or digital products. If you are launching a podcast brand, the business side hustle, let Squarespace be your toolkit. Go to squarespace.com/jointheparty for a free trial. And when you're ready to launch use offer code [35:10] Join The Party to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain. Finally, this podcast is sponsored by BetterHelp. Life can certainly be overwhelming sometimes, and a lot of people get burned out without even knowing it. Symptoms can include lack of motivation, feeling helpless or trapped detachment, fatigue, and more. We associate burnout with work of course, but that isn't the only cause it can be caretaking, or even socialization or isolation burnout. All of those are totally legitimate and BetterHelp online therapy wants to remind you to prioritize yourself. And talking with a therapist can be a big help to figure out what is causing stress in your life and what you can do about it. BetterHelp is customized online therapy that offers video, phone and even live chat sessions with your therapist. So you don't have to see anyone on camera if you don't want to is much more affordable than in-person therapy. So I do my therapy through BetterHelp. And you can be matched with a therapist in under 48 hours. Join the Party listeners get 10% off their first month at betterhelp.com/jointheparty. That's better H E L P.com/jointheparty. And now let's get back to the show
Amanda: The buildings are within the hedge maze? Or-
Julia: Yes.
Amanda: Wow.
Julia: There are buildings within the hedge maze.
Brandon: Is it normal for our drone to flicker out like that?
Julia: No. Would someone like to make a Lasers Check to see what you think might have happened?
Brandon: Mr. Eric.
Eric: You want me to do it? I can do it again. Yeah, I think I'll take two dice on this because I was not prepared for it to flicker out.
Julia: That's fair.
[dice roll]
Eric: Hell yeah. I got a 1 and I got a 5. So 2 successes and a Lasers Feelings.
Julia: Okay, so what is the question that you want to ask with your Lasers Feelings? It can be something like what is this thing feeling? Who is behind this? What's going on here? That sort of thing.
Eric: Yeah, I think what's the best way to get to the drone? Do we need to go through like the front of the hedge maze? Or is there kind of like a secret entrance?
Julia: I would say that you need to find a way to bypass the brick wall first.
Eric: Okay.
Julia: And you can probably do that with some sort of equipment that perhaps an adventurer would have in their kit.
Eric (as Chef): Well, I'm totally lost. I don't know what to- I’m not sure who to ask. Alright, thanks, babe. You did a great job.
Julia (as Barb): I'm always happy to help.
Brandon (as Jet Byrne): I say we just go for it.
Julia: Cool.
Amanda (as Dr. Bertha Bones): Let's go! I hope she has claws!
Eric (as Chef): A 100% agree the sooner I die the sooner I can upload my consciousness to the robot body.
Julia: Oh no.
Amanda (as Dr. Bertha Bones): Okay, um, let's talk about your medical directives because I do have some ideas about again the– the sort of living and cybernetic fusion and if you would, you know prefer obviously, that's your choice but like we just put a pin in that for after the mission.
Eric (as Chef): Yeah, Dr. Bertha Bones, that’s a great thing. Barb, dictation: Under no circumstances do I want tentacles on my body after I die.
Julia (as Barb): Under no circumstances do you want tentacles on your body when you die.
Eric (as Chef): Thank you, Barb. Thanks, Babe. Hell yeah! Yes, yeah, let's- let's look into it.
Amanda (as Dr. Bertha Bones): Let's head down.
Julia: Alright, so you head out of the ship and when the gangway opens up, you are hit with like a wave of just extremely humid air. It is bright out there on the planet. And among that humid air you can smell kind of that like, thick smell of luscious greenery and wet, wet mud. And as you step out of the ship your shoes kind of squish into the ground but it's not like there's any indication that you're gonna like, sink into it or anything.
Brandon (as Jet Byrne): My shoes! They were really expensive spaceshoes.
Julia: You know if they were that expensive, maybe they should have come with some sort of like self-cleaning or something.
Brandon: That's a good point, I'll talk to the boot maker.
Julia: The manufacturer?
Brandon: Sure.
Eric (as Chef): Jet. Jet, I told you not to spend 500 nargons on Air Jorbans.
Brandon (as Jet Byrne): Chef, I don't know what either of those words you just said are. That's not a currency that we use.
Amanda: A real textbook, ‘No, but.’
Eric (as Chef): A real ‘Well in space, you're a fucking idiot.’
Julia: So you step out of the ship and in front of you among the vines and the trees and the big leafed plants, you see again that extremely tall brick wall and it's like, it's weird because you've like seen pictures of brick before but like no one uses brick anymore. Like everyone else uses like metal or like plastics or like stuff like that where it's like, spacey you know, no one uses– no one uses fucking brick. What?
Amanda: I'd love to walk up to the wall and knock on it.
Brandon: I think that's a great idea. While Dr. Bertha Bones does that can I pull up my tricorder thing and scan it same time and see like, what the chemical composition is?
Julia: Sure. You make me a Lasers Feeling Brandon with 2 dice? And Dr. Bertha Bones, what is your intention in knocking on the brick?
Amanda (as Dr. Bertha Bones): House call!
[Brandon laughs]
Julia: Roll me 1 feelings, please?
Amanda: Now I would like to argue that I have done House Calls in the past, I am used to showing up somewhere where somebody may or may not need assistance and being like, Well, someone here called for assistance. So here I am. So that's kind of the guise I am trying to pull.
Julia: Okay. It is a brick wall.
[laughter]
Amanda: Well, I don't see an intercom but I'm assuming there's one close by.
Julia: Mhm. Well, just because you were close to the wall. And like, again, I'll stress something that the drone picked up. The grounds of this place are massive.
Amanda: Okay.
Eric: Yeah.
Julia: And the brick wall, you can't really see too– too far. Because it is a like, kind of thick jungle out there. But the brick wall goes very far, as far as your eye can see to the left and as far as your eye can see to the right.
Amanda: Sure, okay.
Julia: Okay.
Brandon: So my number's 3, I rolled 4 and 5. So that means I did not succeed.
Julia: You scan this thing, and your scanner is like, so confused that there's a brick there. Like I don't think it's ever chemically compounded brick before. This is a material of a bygone era. And your scanner like fritzes is out for the next 10 minutes.
Brandon: Great. Cool.
Amanda: I'm happy to report that I rolled my number. I rolled a 4.
Julia: Awesome! Great.
Eric: Nice.
Julia: So that is a Lasers Feelings. Do you want to ask me a question?
Amanda: Yeah, I would like to know what's the best way to traverse this wall.
Julia: The best way of traversing this wall because you don't see any intercoms or speakers or cameras would be as the old campfire song goes, [sings] Can't go under it, can't go around it, can't go through it. Gotta go over it.
Eric: Nice
Amanda: Got it.
Amanda (as Dr. Bertha Bones): Folks, we're going up.
Brandon: Yeah, I would like to I'm sure I have some kind of grappling hook, space grappling hook something to like a big ladder of some kind, you know?
Julia: Yeah, I would say like, perhaps a like backpack that like shoots out a grappling hook and then zips you guys all up?
Brandon: Exactly. Yeah. I want to attach my two colleagues to the thing and then shoot it up.
Julia: Great. Would you roll me 3 dice then? And that'll be a Lasers.
Eric: I want to help him on this.
Julia: Okay, tell me how you are helping him first.
Eric: I make sure that-- for some reason, this was set to maximum speed.
Julia: Oh, no!
Eric: So I turned it down.
Julia: Okay, great. That is a Lasers then. Can you roll me 1 dice?
Brandon (as Jet Byrne): Chef? Do you not live life at maximum speed?
Eric (as Chef): No.
Brandon (as Jet Byrne): Okay.
Amanda (as Dr. Bertha Bones): I have something to live for.
Eric (as Chef): No, dude, what about my whole thing would dictate to you that I would live life at maximum speed?
Julia: From your calm, Chef. You hear Barb go-
Julia (as Barb): He is always very sleepy.
Eric: I got a success. So Brandon roll with roll 4 D6, baby.
Brandon: Oh, wonderful. Cool. That was great, Eric because I got a 5 and a 6 and a 1 and a 2. So that's 2 successes.
Eric: Let's go!
Julia: Great. So that is just a straight success. You do the thing that you intended to do. So you strap Dr. Bertha Bones and [weeee!] Chef in and weeeeeee! they go all the way to the top.
Brandon (as Jet Byrne): Weeeee!
Eric (as Chef): I want to be dead.
Julia: Excellent.
Eric (as Chef): I don't want to be alive.
Julia: Alright. So at the top of this brick wall, you guys have a like, a little bit of a better view of this hedge maze and the grounds beyond. You can see like very, very, very far in the distance beyond this hedge maze is like a grand house. And then throughout the hedge maze, you see a bunch of various buildings and like it basically, it seems like almost the grounds can go on forever. Like, you can see this hedge maze goes beyond the horizon. And the main house is kind of just in the middle, like at the edge of the horizon for you guys. You know how there's like those very fancy palaces like Versailles, or like the smaller versions that rich people in like the 1920s tried to build in Middle America. It definitely has that kind of feeling. And also there's just like a bunch of fountains for no rhyme or reason.
Brandon: I mean-
Julia: They're just around.
Brandon: The more fountains the more better so that's what I've always said.
[Amanda mumbles in agreement]
Julia: Yeah, and so like, that's kind of the lay of the land here. So what do you guys want to do next?
Amanda: Can I like pluck a leaf off the hedge? What do I– what do I discern about the plant matter?
Julia: This would be a biology Lasers which I would call you an expert in. I know it's not-
Amanda: Cool
Julia: –an animal but I'm sure you've dabbled with chlorophyll before.
Amanda: Julia, everything's an animal if you sew well enough. Okay, so I'm looking for under a 4, and happily, I roll a 2 and 3.
Julia: Excellent. So you can sense that while these are hedges, like these are like traditional kind of topiaries, you can also tell that these were like genetically engineered for a purpose. But what that purpose was, you're not entirely sure unless you were to like, take this back to your lab and break it down.
Amanda (as Dr. Bertha Bones): My favorite.
Brandon (as Jet Byrne): Well, as I've always said, Let's boldly go where we're gonna go.
Eric (as Chef): So this- just to check, this plant isn't going to eat us, it does not like secretly has a lot of teeth.
Amanda (as Dr. Bertha Bones): Well, it was engineered to do its purpose, I would have to put it under you know the microscope and run it through the analyzer and whatnot. But I don't think we can like blast our way through the way we would you know, one of those mundane hedges back– back on– on Terra.
Eric (as Chef): Oh, because I really wanted to blast our way through.
Amanda (as Dr. Bertha Bones): I mean, you can try I would just suggest kind of standing behind some cover because if it's– if it's meant to be a maze and keep people out and keep people channeled, like, like people in a supermarket, I don't know, I haven't been to Earth and so long. Then we might run into something unexpected.
Eric (as Chef): Okay.
Amanda (as Dr. Bertha Bones): We can try.
Eric (as Chef): Jet, do want to boldly go?
Brandon (as Jet Byrne): Yes, there's very few things that I have found that I can't blast my way through.
Eric: Incredible. I want to take my like, multiple various transponder, which I have Barb downloaded in so that I'm never too far away from my baby. And I want to apply that to Jet Byrne's backpack so that it goes into flame thrower mode, which I downloaded earlier today. So that Jet Byrne can just straight up burn through these regular regular-degular ass bushes and topiaries. You know, what is a great word? Topiary.
Julia: Yeah, I agree.
Brandon: I don't know if we've gotten done off the wall yet. But if we haven't, I am going to do a cool like, hop, jump into the air and try to superhero land pose on the ground, you know?
Julia: It's so tall. Do you want to do that? It's very tall. It's like three stories high.
Brandon: Okay. Never mind, I won't do that then.
Amanda: Under her breath, Bertha chants-
Amanda (as Dr. Bertha Bones): [chanting quietly] Break your leg, break your leg. Break it really bad so I can replace it with something.
Julia: [whispers] Let me give you kangaroo legs.
Amanda: Yeah!
Brandon: I think I am going to go take out a ladder, just like a regular ass, non-space ladder. Rope ladder from my backpack and attach it to the top of the wall and then climb down.
Amanda (as Dr. Bertha Bones): [quietly] Damn it!
Julia: Great, awesome. I'm not gonna make you roll for that.
Eric: I want to shimmy down and then I want to activate flame thrower mode on Jet Byrne's backpack of wonders.
Julia: Okay, how about you give me a Help Roll for Lasers. And then Jet, you can roll with 3 dice, because that'll act as prepared.
Eric: Okay.
[dice rolls]
Eric: I rolled a 3, I got it.
Julia: Okay. So roll a 3.
Brandon: Is this a passion or a logic roll for me. Is this-
Julia: That's up to you, my guy.
Brandon: I think this is a Feelings.
Amanda: Yeah. Following your heart.
Brandon: Jet just kind of like yeah, acts, you know?
Eric: I'm doing good. I'm managing. I'm leaning into Jet's strengths, even though he doesn't know I'm doing it.
Amanda: And I'm standing behind both of them.
Brandon: Sick. So I want to roll over my number which is a 3 and I rolled a 4 and a 5 and a 5, baby.
Amanda: Ooooh!
Julia: That is great. I am going to say because it's a critical success, I do have to give you something a little extra for your effort. What is going to happen is you burn through the topiary that is directly in front of you, right? And the minute that you do, like before you guys can like really start to pass through. It's almost like a sliding door. Another topiary slides into its place.
Brandon: Haha! Cool.
Eric: Got it. Yeah.
Julia: So as this secondary topiary, like the backup topiary slides into place, you also see that in the middle that topiary is what basically looks like a road sign like one of those like classic like wooden signs and it has two kind of arrows pointing in opposite directions. On one of them, it points to the left and it says, 'Aquarium: Cuddle Fish'
Amanda: Great.
Julia: And the other arrow points to the right underneath and it says, 'The Car Port'.
Brandon: Now when you say Cuddle Fish, does it-
Julia: C U D D L E. And it's two separate words Cuddle Fish.
Amanda (as Dr. Bertha Bones): Now normally I am all for encountering new forms of life. I do have to tell you all I feel like this fish will cuddle us to death. So perhaps we choose the other one.
Brandon (as Jet Byrne): In my experience cuddling is a wonderful thing that two or more people can share. So I'm on Team Cuddle Fish. I think it's up to you, Chef.
Eric (as Chef): I do want to see someone get cuddled to death. So we're gonna go in there. I'm gonna indulge both of you, I think.
Amanda (as Dr. Bertha Bones): To the left!
Eric: Brandon, I love that your character is just like incredibly poly Kirk.
Amanda: Yeah.
Eric: Like, sexually fucks-
Amanda: Yeah.
Eric: –in a good way Kirk. It's very funny
Amanda: Yeah, Kirk, if culture were more accepting of polyamory.
Julia: There it is.
Brandon: All about consent, all about love, all about everyone having a good time.
Brandon (as Jet Byrne): Dr. Bertha Bones if I do get cuddled to death please replace my bones.
Amanda (as Dr. Bertha Bones): Oh, thank God! See, I manifested it!
Amanda: Bertha for the rest of the trip is like in the like on her communicator is going to be writing down like list of things to replace Jet's bones with.
Julia: Excellent. I love that.
Eric: Can you tell me three of them?
Amanda (as Dr. Bertha Bones): Pistons.
Eric: One.
Julia: I'm sorry, I just need to hear Amanda say 'pistons' in a southern accent one more time.
Amanda (as Dr. Bertha Bones): Pistons.
Julia: It's my favorite thing!
Eric: One.
Amanda (as Dr. Bertha Bones): Kebab skewers.
Eric: Helpful. Definitely if you've if you need to, to.
Amanda (as Dr. Bertha Bones): Mix of bones.
Eric: Oh, just various bones, great.
Julia: Replace the bones with mix of bones, obviously. Yes.
Eric: Yeah.
Julia: Makes sense.
Eric: Various bones that I have lying around.
Amanda: Yeah.
Julia: Alright, so Foxtrot Squad, you follow the hedge maze and after some winding through, which really this is kind of a bad hedge maze because you never actually see like, any other turn-offs or options. Like it's not really a maze. It's just kind of like-
Brandon: A hedge row?
Julia: A path. A hedge path. So it deposits you out in front of a slate blue domed building with no exterior windows. But it does have a pair of heavy glass doors on the front and across those doors. It says, 'Aquarium.'
Amanda (as Dr. Bertha Bones): Okay, now if a fish asks you to cuddle, say no. I'm looking at you, Jet.
Brandon (as Jet Byrne): I don't know if that's correct. Dr. Bertha Bones.
Amanda (as Dr. Bertha Bones): [quietly] You’re right, Bertha. Eye on the press, he gave you permission. Eye on the prize. Okay.
Brandon: I'm going to boldly walk into this aquarium
Julia: Do the rest of you follow?
Eric: I follow as well. I take out the- my transponder so that I pretend that like, Barb and I are on a date at the aquarium, which is something we always said that we wanted to do but we never had the opportunity and we’re just like- it's really hard to separate work and your romance when you both work together. And also she's the ship AI.
Julia: Do you like put her in your pocket with like a camera facing out so she can see everything?
Eric: Yeah, I definitely like stitched a pocket into my coveralls just so that I can have like a like a Barb pocket.
Julia: Incredible.
Brandon: As we walk in Jet turns to Chef and says-
Brandon (as Jet Byrne): Chef, I've heard oysters are an aphrodisiac.
Eric (as Chef): Never talk to me.
Julia (as Barb): I cannot eat oysters, but I like the way they look.
[chuckles]
Eric (as Chef): Ever-every day, you open my mind to something else that I-- I’d only seen oysters is one thing and now I see it as something else. You're incredible.
Julia (as Barb): Their shells are beautiful and they look like snot inside. It's incredible.
Brandon (as Jet Byrne): You have a wonderful relationship that I admire, you two.
Eric (as Chef): I hate how positive you are about my relationship with something that I'm shunned on 99% of planets because of your whole steeze.
Julia (as Barb): It's nice to be supportive of your teammates.
Eric (as Chef): I- alright.
Eric: I just take a second.
Brandon: Is this your first fight?
Amanda: A single tear
Eric: No, I just take a second. I take a second. I'm just like-
Eric (as Chef): Jet. Do- do you want alternate bones? I could. Do you, much like giving consent to a lover, you need to give consent if you want alternate bones.
Brandon (as Jet Byrne): I wouldn't mind adamantium bones. But I think that might just be a comic thing.
Eric (as Chef): I don't think that was on the list of- of Dr. Bertha Bones' bones that she has.
Amanda (as Dr. Bertha Bones): I have armadillos.
[Brandon laughing]
Julia: Barb goes-
Julia (as Barb): Adamantium can be found in three planets in the known universe.
Eric (as Chef): We can do that after this, that would pro- honestly, that would probably be best for all of us.
Brandon (as Jet Byrne): That sounds pretty sick.
Eric (as Chef): There's there's the Panther planet, there's the Black Panther planet.
Julia (as Barb): Plotting course to Black Panther planet.
Julia: So you guys walk into this aquarium and then when you enter you find yourselves in this kind of long dark hallway that seems to go on for as far as you can see. A sign in front of you at the entrance points forward and it says again in all caps, CUDDLE FISH. Beneath that sign is a glowing exit sign which points in the same direction.
Amanda (as Dr. Bertha Bones): One way in, one way out. Like the digestive tract, in we go!
Brandon: Like, there are no lights? Or is it just sort of like- like, is it like magical darkness for lack of a better word or is just no lights?
Julia: Like you know how you go to the zoo and like those– those hallways are real dark because the animals, they need to be in the dark?
Brandon: Yeah.
Julia: That's what it's like.
Brandon: Okay. Well, I'm going to pull up my tricorder and use it as a flashlight just so we have some light.
Julia: Okay, only your scanning capability is not working right now.
Brandon: Right.
Julia: Okay. So you guys continue down the dark hallway and eventually, it opens up into kind of like a light blue glow, which then widens into a glass tunnel. And this is like set out on the outside very clearly an aquarium and at first, you don't see anything that's kind of in the water. But as you proceed further into the room, you catch movement out of the corner of your eye. When you turn around, you see a small, bright orange creature kind of floating through the water. And it is, I cannot stress this enough, Adorable.
Brandon (as Jet Byrne): It's beautiful.
Julia: Its body is like mostly head with these big watery black eyes and these petite little tentacles that are like daintily propelling it through the water.
Amanda (as Dr. Bertha Bones): I love you.
Julia: As you watch, it kind of notices you, and it floats up to the glass and like tilts its head and watches you.
Brandon (as Jet Byrne): Oh, so sweet.
Eric (as Chef): They should have sent a poet.
[laughter]
Julia: You hear Barb go-
Julia (as Barb): I can write down poetry if you would like to dictate it to me.
Eric (as Chef): No, no, it's fine, babe. Just– just enjoy it.
Julia (as Barb): Okay.
Amanda: Can I investigate this creature? Can I- Can I think about similar ones I've seen in the past and whether or not I know anything about the species?
Julia: Sure. Is that a Lasers roll, you think?
Amanda: I think probably Lasers because it's to do with science.
Julia: Alright, cool. Then I will let you do expert. So 2 dice, please.
Eric: I've now realized, we still don't know what it is. So it could be this right?
Amanda: Do we want to steal?
Eric: Yeah, like I'm trying to think I'm like we still- that's the thing is like, we don't fucking know what we're stealing.
Julia: Yeah, he did say it was an artifact. And this is very clearly a creature.
Eric: Okay.
Amanda: I think your point stands though, Eric. Like we don't know what form this takes. If it's a living being, you know, it’s possible.
Eric: I mean, Julia, other than what Julia just said, it's not this. It could be this.
Brandon: At the same time that Amanda is doing that, can I also roll to try to communicate with it? Just say hello?
Julia: Yes. Give me a Feelings roll, then.
Brandon: How many?
Julia: Uh, would you say-- you're an expert at greeting people, would you say?
Brandon: Yeah, like, I'm very charming and I do know lots of languages.
Amanda: The fish might want to fuck you afterward. But that's the only-
Brandon: Yeah.
Amanda: That's only like-
Eric: Is this like you try to communicate it? Like you'd be like, it's bees, like you learned how to dance through its language?
Brandon: Yeah, I don't know this one specifically, but like, I'm going to try a few and see the most common ones, you know?
Julia: Okay, great. 2 dice.
Brandon: 2 dice.
Julia: And Amanda, you're also rolling 2 dice.
Amanda: Yes, I had 1 failure, but 1 Laser Feeling.
Everyone: Oooh!
Julia: Okay. So that's gonna count as 1 success, which means you barely manage it.
Amanda: Okay.
Julia: So ask me your Laser Feeling question first.
Amanda: Um, what should I be on the lookout for?
Julia: So in your experience, kind of as a, I guess, biologist is a good word for you on top of being a lawyer.
Amanda: Yup.
Julia: You have seen like various sea creatures, and you know, sea creatures can be anything from like, real calm like a sunfish. Like, even though it's extremely big and extremely ugly, to like, extremely small, but also deadly. You know what I mean? So you're looking at this thing, and you're like, well, the bright color would indicate typically, from what I know, in most biology, bright color means danger in that, you know, like, "Don't attack me, I might do something", you know?
[Eric mumbles in agreement]
Amanda: True.
Julia: So that's what I'll give you because it wasn't a particularly great success, but you do manage to get some information about it.
Amanda: Thank you.
Eric: I sure hope that kiss or cuddle doesn't, they don't take that as attack, but who can say?
Julia: Alright, Jet, how did you roll?
Brandon: I rolled a 1 and a 5. So I got 1 success and 1 failure.
Julia: Okay. Describe to me kind of how you are trying to greet this creature.
Brandon: There's lots of species that only use hand motions or hand signals. So I'm going to be doing some of those. And then also just like running through a bunch of various, "Hello, greetings" in various species languages, just to see if any sort of like stick. Real shotgun approach, you know?
Amanda: Is this how he flirts?
Julia: Do you try the kind of like traditional human greeting of the wave?
Brandon: Yeah, of course.
Julia: So you go up to the glass, right? And you see, as you move forward towards the glass, the creature also moves forward. And as you start to move in front of it-
Brandon (as Jet Byrne): Is something going on between us?
Eric: I love everything you're doing like fucking hand jive, to try to communicate with it.
Julia: Yeah. So as you kind of start to like try to start to communicate with it. And you move your like arms and hands. You see that like– two have its little like, petite tentacles also match all of your movements.
Brandon: Ooooh! That's so cute.
Julia: So you're watching this and you're like, this thing is the most adorable thing that I've ever seen in my entire life, like how it's like mimicking me. So, so cute. And as you're examining it, you see another one of these creatures. Again, you have to assume that these are the cuddle fish. This time bright green comes and joins next to the orange one. And then a few moments later, a pink one, and then a turquoise one and all of these cuddle fish begin to appear. And like every time you move, they all kind of follow you with interest, kind of gently mimicking you and you're like this is this is really cool. This is a cool thing.
Amanda (as Dr. Bertha Bones): Should we all take a nap?
Brandon: This seems aggressive.
Julia: With their big eyes just being like floaty floaty, moving their little tentacles.
Brandon (as Jet Byrne): I am no expert in love and also a very humble. Usually, I don't see this many people of the same species sort of like coming and doing the same thing and just copying me. That's not- this seems strange.
Amanda (as Dr. Bertha Bones): One or two he's fine with but not a crowd.
Julia: No, he loves a crowd.
Brandon (as Jet Byrne): I'd like to get to know you first, you know?
Julia: The group of Cuddle Fish that have gathered here at first they kind of even like form the basic man shape of you, Jet. And then more and more start coming over and suddenly there are way more cuddle fish than there were before and they are like pressing in on one another like each kind of attempting to like get a better look at you like you're the coolest thing they've ever seen. And then-
Brandon (as Jet Byrne): I don't blame them for that.
Julia: And then you're looking and the whole wall is cuddle fish. And as they press harder and harder on those who are already pressed up against the glass-
Eric (as Chef): No.
Julia: –you see the glass begin to crack-
Eric (as Chef): No
Julia: – and spiderweb.
Eric (as Chef): Let's go.
Eric (as Jet Byrne): We should run.
Amanda (as Dr. Bertha Bones): Run please.
Julia: As you guys take off down the hall towards the exit, the glass of the aquarium fails and you are hit not only with a wave of water that starts to pour out of the hole, but also the Cuddle Fish begin to swarm towards you. Jet first, but then the other two Dr. Bertha Bones and Chef, they're heading in your direction as well. And you see that they're like, they're not kind of like flopping like fish do they are facing tentacle side up and underneath their petite cute little tentacles are rows and rows of razor sharp teeth and their adorable little tentacles and sharp– sharp teeth are coming right towards you all for cuddles. What do you do?
Brandon (as Jet Byrne): I am not one to yuck anyone's yum?
Julia: Oh yeah?
Brandon (as Jet Byrne): But I don't enjoy being eaten while I cuddle. So I'm going to quickly turn my tricorder and shoot to stun.
Julia: Okay, you're prepared, you're an expert in your tricorder, roll me 3. Would anyone else like to take any actions during this time as well?
Eric: I would love to activate a protective shield around as many folks as I can. It's kind of like I assume that we have like I don't know something that can– that can pop up that's very hard that will protect us from getting eaten. And I say-
Eric (as Chef): Barb, activate Bite Shields I don't- I don't want to get eaten. I'm in a relationship. Please stop.
Eric: Barb goes-
Julia (as Barb): We have activated the Bite Shield in so long. Activating Bite Shield.
Amanda: And I'm happy to help you, Eric because I think I can like use- I almost have like a multi- like you know those dog walkers who have like a belt with different leashes that come out of their belts. I clip those to each of you two and make sure we stay in the same radius for the shield to help.
Eric: Wonderful.
Julia: Gotcha. Roll your help dice, that is very much a Lasers, it's like very logical one, Amanda so just roll me that.
Amanda: Yes, I needed to roll under 4, and I got a 3.
Eric: Yeah!
Julia: Alright, then-
Amanda: Chad!
Julia: -you can roll with 4 dice then, Eric.
[dice rolls]
Eric: Hell yes. I rolled 3 Lasers Feelings.
Amanda: Wow!
Brandon: Holy shit!
Julia: Okay.
Amanda: I see them here. Yeah.
Julia: Awesome.
Eric: I got 3 5s.
Julia: That is a critical success. Obviously, you succeed the Bite Shield goes up, Barb is like-
Julia (as Barb): I remember the last time that we activated the Bite Shield. Good times.
Julia: And the Bite Shield like goes over you. It's kind of like a light shield I guess is a good way to describe it like, a hard light shield.
Eric: Yeah.
Julia: And you can see the Cuddle Fish like, latching on to it but obviously, they can't get through. Do you have any questions for your Lasers and Feelings?
Eric: Yes. Oooh, boy. Because like, I get what's happening here: evil place, bad fish.
Julia: Bad fish.
Eric: You know what I mean? So like, where do we go next? I think is my best thing. Like what's the best way to get to the museum is definitely my next question. Do we just go out the exit? Or do we ride the wave and it takes us somewhere? Like, yeah, I want to know where to go next.
Julia: I would say you would probably want to go on your own two feet, rather than riding the wave out here.
Eric: Sure, sure, sure.
Julia: You don't want the Cuddle Fish riding the wave with you, and I will say there's only one exit to this building. And it seems like it continues into the hedge maze. So that seems like your best bet at the moment.
Eric: Okay, cool. So yeah, once we activate the light shield, I want to be like-
Eric (as Chef): Dr. Bertha Bones, catch one, don't you want to study it?
Amanda: I pull a specimen bag out of my belt as well.
Julia: Incredible.
Amanda (as Dr. Bertha Bones): Certainly.
Julia: Jet, how did you do on your roll for shooting stun?
Brandon: Good. I got a 1, a 2 and a 4. So that's 2 successes for Lasers.
Julia: Alright, excellent. So you do a good job. All of the ones that are heading towards you get hit with some sweet, sweet lasers. And they kind of flop to the ground and like their little, their little tentacles like wave in the air like they just got a little bit shocked. And then they kind of like slump to the side. They're fine. They're stunned, but they're not a threat to you anymore.
Brandon: Yeah, I would never try to harm another species.
Julia: Of course.
Amanda: I'll scoop one of those up as Chef's suggestion.
Julia: Awesome. Awesome. I won't make you do that. You're, you're used to getting dangerous things and putting them in bags.
Amanda (as Dr. Bertha Bones): My pockets are always crawling.
Eric (as Chef): Hey, I want I can– I just, can I just be real with both of you. I want to like both of you so much. But then you say things. And it really makes it so hard. Please help me out.
Brandon (as Jet Byrne): Well, I love you, Chef. I can love you enough for the both of us.
Eric (as Chef): See, it's things like that.
Julia (as Barb): I think that sweet.
Brandon (as Jet Byrne): Barb and Chef. Eh?
Eric (as Chef): Dr. Bertha Bones, he's got undergoing some sort of space psychosis. Throw the cuddle fish at him. Do it. Fast. Now. Do it.
Amanda: I'm gonna put my hand on your shoulder jet and kind of steer you off into a corner and say-
Amanda (as Dr. Bertha Bones): Jet, my grandpa told me this when I was three. Don't shit where you eat, son.
Brandon (as Jet Byrne): That is good advice. I will take that-
Amanda (as Dr. Bertha Bones): Yeah.
Brandon (as Jet Byrne): -to heart. Thank you.
Amanda (as Dr. Bertha Bones): Let's keep going. I'm sorry about the crawling in the pockets. I won't draw attention to it.
Eric (as Chef): Thank you, thank you. I appreciate- I appreciate that.
Amanda (as Dr. Bertha Bones): Onward.
Julia: Onward.
Amanda (as Dr. Bertha Bones): Like peristalsis!
Julia: With the wave of water passed and the now like inert Cuddle Fish kind of laying there on the ground. You do see like, a couple of like droids, like clearly meant for cleanup in emergencies like this come and like start like kind of just like throwing the back into the shallow pool of the aquarium now. [chuckles] You all head out to the exit of this building and you find yourself again in the hedge maze. And before you have a chance to really do anything, you hear a sound [music fade in] which goes bum-bum-bum. And when you look to see-
Brandon: It’s NBC!
Julia: Yeah. When you look to see where it came from, you notice like every 50 yards or so along the path of a hedge maze, there are speakers that look like they are kind of like street lamps like it's on a pole. And then it's like a round speaker. You know what I mean?
Eric: Yeah, that's tight.
Julia: And from the nearest speaker you hear-
Julia (as Madam Claudelle): Now, now, now, Madam Claudelle knows that the Federation of Free Lancers is not here for one of her glorious cotillions. So one would wonder, what are you doing here? You can skulk among my grounds, but once you reach the house, do be dears and come see me so we can talk about this like civilized folks, hm? I look forward to making your acquaintances.
Julia: And then you hear the same bum-bum-bum and the speaker system goes quiet again.
Transcriptionist and Editor: KM