Foxtrot Squad continues to unravel the mysteries of Madam Claudelle’s private moon. What are they searching for? What horrible traps and tricks must they defeat? And how do you file taxes when you’re a space Free Lancer??
We’re playing Lasers & Feelings by John Harper.
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Cast & Crew
- Co-Host, Co-Producer: Eric Silver
- Co-Host, Co-Producer, Editor, Sound Designer, Composer: Brandon Grugle
- Co-Host, Co-Producer: Amanda McLoughlin
- GM, Co-Host, Co-Producer: Julia Schifini
- Multitude: multitude.productions
About Us
Join the Party is a D&D actual play podcast with tangible worlds, genre-pushing storytelling, and collaborators who make each other laugh each week. We welcome everyone to the table, from longtime players to folks who’ve never touched a roleplaying game before. Begin with Campaign 2 (The Join Campaign) for a modern, sci-fi superhero game, or marathon all of Campaign 1 (The Party Campaign) for a high fantasy story. And once a month we release the Afterparty, where we answer your questions about the show and how we play the game. New episodes every Tuesday.
Transcript
Amanda (as Dr. Bertha Bones): Last time on Space Party!
Julia: We met the members of Foxtrot Squad Jet Byrne, Dr. Bertha Bones, and Chef. Adventurers who are part of the Federation of Free Lancers. They have been tasked with retrieving an unknown artifact from the collection of the infamously rich Madam Claudelle on her private moon. Once they arrived, they faced a seemingly never-ending hedge maze, which they traversed until they came across the aquarium and its Cuddle Fish exhibit. These adorable little squid-like creatures turned deadly when Jet Byrne tried to communicate with them, breaking the aquarium and alerting Madam Claudelle to their presence. She invited them to join her at her mansion, but only if they could make their way through the mysteries of the hedge maze.
Brandon (as Jet Byrne): She sounds lovely, not at all threatening.
Eric (as Chef): Do you think we could tell her that were the other Free-Lancers? The cult? Would that work?
Brandon (as Jet Byrne): We could.
Amanda (as Dr. Bertha Bones): All I know is there can only be one southern matriarch on the moon at a given time. So she's gonna have to die. I'm sorry.
Julia: I did pick this voice beforehand. And then I was like Amanda's also doing one. Excellent. Yes, I love it.
Amanda: Classic.
Julia: So ahead of you guys, much like you saw before there is another split in the hedge maze. And this time, the sign reads Path to the Main House. And underneath that is two arrows again pointing in opposite directions. One side says The Menagerie Carousel and the other says The Sculpture Garden.
Amanda (as Dr. Bertha Bones): Have we learned our lesson about creatures yet? Creatures are for cuttin' and sewin'. Only!
[Eric laughs]
Eric: Eric, the player is enjoying both of your character so much. You're doing the weird-ass bucket shit, you guys are saying.
Brandon (as Jet Byrne): I do love-
Julia: You love a lot of things.
Brandon (as Jet Byrne): I do love looking at organic consenting forms.
Julia: What does that mean?
Brandon (as Jet Byrne): Of sentient organisms. So I would choose The Sculpture Garden.
Eric (as Chef): I have a feeling that these statues are going to be like people who are getting paid to be statues. And because that's the kind of weird twisted thing that we're doing here. That whoever came up with it definitely is indulging some sort of strange like going on and maybe they had a dream about and they put it in I don't know, I can't even say who would put this together. So I want to see what kind of a statute that they--
Julia: Who can say? Someone on this call doesn't have weird dreams, I don't know what you're talking about.
Eric: So I want to see the, I want to see the Fantasia that is the sculpture.
Amanda (as Dr. Bertha Bones): Let's do it.
Julia: Alright, so you do The Sculpture Garden. Okay.
Amanda (as Dr. Bertha Bones): Did you all know that in the 21st century, there was like a traveling exhibition around the world where they took out different parts of human like circulatory and vascular systems and, of course, the skeletal systems and they– they filled with formaldehyde or suspended in jelly, however it suited. And took those bodies from place to place in seaports and museums all over the world for people to look at and gawk at and be like, "Wow, that's my meats in there."
Brandon (as Jet Byrne): I can't tell if this is real.
Amanda (as Dr. Bertha Bones): Yeah, it's what made me want to become a doctor.
Julia: It's horrifying when you put it that way.
Brandon: No, I know. This is real. I think Jet's like-
Brandon (as Jet Byrne): This sounds medieval and fucked up.
Amanda (as Dr. Bertha Bones): Yeah!
Eric (as Chef): I don't have a good sense of 20th and 21st century Terran history. Is this WNM or WWNM. With New Mexico or Without New Mexico?
Brandon: [while laughing] Fuck you
Amanda (as Dr. Bertha Bones): Oh, it was back in those New Mexico days
Julia: That's how we delineate time.
Amanda (as Dr. Bertha Bones): Yeah, I saw it in New Mexico, that's why I moved there.
Eric: Sorry, I took a big fucking wind up back here to see if people could see it, and then pow!
Julia: Truly incredible.
Amanda (as Dr. Bertha Bones): You socked me in the mouth with your joke.
Julia: So your team heads in the direction of The Sculpture Garden and you eventually come across what opens up into a wide kind of circular clearing. And inside the clearing, as you would probably expect is a sculpture garden. The sculptures that you see are like quite massive actually, like their large, large sculptures. They're made mostly out of what would assume like it looks like concrete and then like metal, so a lot of them kind of have weird intricate like arms and legs that are made out of metal with a then like concrete body. If you've seen the movie Beetlejuice, Catherine O'Hara's character creates really creepy sculptures. That's kind of the vibe that these give off.
Amanda (as Dr. Bertha Bones): Fusions! My people!
Eric (as Chef): This is perfect for me, two dates in one day. Aquarium, sculpture garden. I hope the third thing that she-- that the Madam has set up is like a really intimate Italian dinner.
Julia (as Barb): I am having such a great time. And also I don't think I could eat pasta.
Eric (as Chef): Oh.
Julia (as Barb): My systems are gluten intolerant.
Eric: Fuck. I was just gonna say that God damn!
Eric (as Chef): You're so good. Babe. You're so quick. You're so funny and smart. I love it. I love a computer system who's funny. That's what I was really looking for.
Julia (as Barb): It's because you keep my memory circuits so clean.
Eric (as Chef): Thanks, babe. And all of those improv classes we took.
Julia (as Barb): That was also a great date.
Eric (as Chef): At the United Citizens Brigade. Yes.
Brandon: Can I go up to one of the statues, the nearest one and see if there's a plaque and if there is I would like to read it.
Julia: Sure. You don’t have to roll for that, reading is not a Lasers or Feelings thing.
Eric: Hold on Jet Byrne can read? Since when!?
Julia: Rude.
Brandon (as Jet Byrne): I am the author of many books on love. Remember...
Julia: The famous relationship expert actually.
Amanda (as Dr. Bertha Bones): Are you Dr. Phil?
Brandon (as Jet Byrne): I gave you both copies of my latest book for the space holiday.
Eric: Oh, what was that called?
Julia: Yeah. What's the name of the book?
Brandon (as Jet Byrne): The book or the space holiday?
Julia: Both.
Eric: Both.
Brandon: Oh, the book is called. Many Arms, Many Hearts: The True Story of Jet Byrne, Volume VI. And the space holiday is called Accretion Day, it's when we celebrate the coming together of dust to form planets.
Julia: I love that, it’s three more months until the Accretion Day but happy early Accretion Day for everyone.
Amanda: The sales have begun, Julia.
Julia: Truly, truly, they have.
Amanda: I stepped on you--
Eric: No, it's fine. I was gonna ask Brandon what the other five volumes were but it's fine, I like doing jokes.
Julia: It's the same name. It's just volumes 1 through 6.
Brandon: Right, exactly.
Eric: Yeah. My very- my life volume one through six. Very funny.
Amanda: I think the real question is how the cover art changes or like if they're next to each other on a shelf like what art is made up on the spine? Is it like DaVinci's man of just Brandon in different forms?
Brandon: I think the tentacles align with the volume number so the volume you get more tentacles as the volumes go up.
Julia: It's beautiful.
Amanda: It's aspirational, really.
Brandon: Yeah.
Julia: So you go up to one of the statues and you look at the plaque and it says An Insectoid Dream by Madam Ursula Claudelle.
Brandon (as Jet Byrne): Ah, maybe she should take some more sculpture classes. You know what I'm saying, colleagues?
Eric (as Chef): It helps when you're your own patron, you can cut just put your own stuff up. Which is dif- which is definitely different from your books because you had to go through a publisher and you didn't just create it in our 3D printing machine and 4D and 4D printing machine because you made it have smell.
Brandon (as Jet Byrne): There's also a holodeck version.
Eric (as Chef): Does that- one also smells like rose petals?
Brandon (as Jet Byrne): And beetle musk.
Eric (as Chef): Oooh! Beetle musk!
Julia: Bum Bum Bum.
Julia (as Madam Ursula Claudelle): Oh, I see you found my sculpture garden. It is my pride and joy. And do you want to know a little secret? I actually made most of those sculptures myself.
Eric (as Chef): [feighing being impressed] Whoa.
Julia (as Madam Ursula Claudelle): I was quite the little artist back in my youth, wasn't I?
Eric (as Chef): [feighing being impressed] Oh, my god. So good.
Julia (as Madam Ursula Claudelle): Many of the most renowned art critics have said many flattering things about them.
Brandon (as Jet Byrne): Name them. Name them or what they've said.
Julia: She can't hear you!
Julia (as Madam Ursula Claudelle): Now. It's been a few years since I've crafted some new work but I am rather proud of it. Would you like to see my favorite part of the collection?
Julia: Bum Bum Bum.
Amanda (as Dr. Bertha Bones): No.
Eric (as Chef): No...
Brandon (as Jet Byrne): No, not really.
Eric (as Chef): No...
Julia: As the speaker clicks off, the statue that you are in front of, Jet, you see that the spindly legs of that statue begin to twitch and then the front leg jerkily starts to rise, and soon like a Frankensteinian monster, it begins to lurch towards you. It's sharp insectoid-like legs swinging towards the three of you.
Amanda: Now, Julia, I hope you would agree that I am an expert and fusing creatures and I would love to use my phaser to stun this creature right at the joint.
Brandon: Ooh.
Eric: Yeah.
Amanda: Right where I think it would be the most vulnerable fabrication-wise.
Julia: Okay, great. Do me a favor then and roll me 3 D6.
Brandon: Can I do a really cool tuck and roll back towards the group?
Julia: Sure. That's a Feelings for you and a Lasers for Dr. Bertha Bones.
Brandon: Cool, 2?
Julia: Yeah, you're an expert in tucking and rolling.
[Eric laughs]
Amanda: I'll say. I got 2 Laser Feelings and 1 failure.
Julia: Oooh, Okay. Would you like to ask me a question?
Amanda: What are we thinking? What would be useful to ask? How do I get them to stop?
Eric: I think that we're gonna figure this shit out. I think we need to know more about the museum and getting to the actual artifact.
Amanda: Yeah
Brandon: Like how will we know what the artifact is like, what's the signifier or something?
Amanda: Yeah. What's the best way to identify which artifact it is?
Julia: Great. So from the kind of like briefing, I know it was a brief briefing from Safir, you do know that like this was an object that was held in high regard at a museum. And when that museum went under, Madam Claudelle spent a lot of money buying this thing, so I think it would be safe to say that she keeps it close to her.
Eric: Ah, got it.
Amanda: Okay.
Brandon: It's on the necklace, it's almost certainly on a necklace.
Amanda: Yeah.
Eric: Oh, I was gonna- I was thinking-
Amanda: a brooch.
Eric: –it was on like a pillow next to her.
Amanda: Like a little dog.
Eric: Yeah.
Amanda: Like one of those dogs that's hair's longer than its leg. A Maltese.
Eric: Oh, there you go.
Julia: So with your shot of your phaser, Amanda, you see that one of the back legs of this creature kind of gives out and it starts limping, but it is still going to come and try to swing at you guys. Would you like to take some sort of evasive maneuver?
Amanda: Yeah, I'll also roll to the side but yell-
Amanda (as Dr. Bertha Bones): Go for the hips, folks!
Eric: I say into my transponder-
Eric (as Chef): Space Rocket Launcher Mode.
Eric: And-
Julia (as Barb): Space Rocket Launcher Mode.
Eric: And then I'm going to shoot a-- my space rocket launcher at it directly in the hip.
Julia: Great. I will say roll me 3 D6 Lasers.
Eric: Julia, I will offer to you that I am not good at shooting a rocket launcher.
Julia: Awesome. 2 D6, please.
Eric: Although I'm prepared with it. I should not be the one-- I should be giving this out to other people.
Julia: That's fair.
Eric: But I want to shoot, I want to shoot it so bad.
Brandon: Can I help Eric by as I'm tucking and rolling backwards, doing a sweep of my leg to sort of like trip up this creature. So it like stumbles for a second so Eric can get a better aim. Or is that too much?
Julia: Yes. I will say yes, roll 1. I would call that Feelings like you're acting like kind of in the moment under pressure. And Eric, you'll roll me, I want to say Feelings as well because I know this is like a rocket launcher situation but at the same time like–
Eric: Oh, no!
Julia: –you're not like cool and collected probably while shooting a rocket launcher.
Eric: Oh no.
Brandon: I did not get the help. But I did get one success on my roll-- on my like, roll backwards.
Julia: Okay, great. So you do that but you also like, twist your ankle a little bit.
Brandon: Yeah.
Julia: I'm going to have you almost like roll at a disadvantage on any other like actions kind of going forward.
Brandon: Okay, cool.
Eric: Oh, piss.
Julia: Unless the doctor helps you out later with- with that.
Eric: Alright. [dice roll] Oh, shit. Look at that. I rolled for laser. Oh, nope. That's not what I'm supposed to get.
Amanda: Awww.
Eric: I rolled 2 2's. That's zero, baby.
Julia: Oh, no! What I'm trying to do is as you are trying to shoot the rocket launcher, you accidentally jostle the front of yourselves with the recoil of the rocket launcher. It flies off into the air.
Eric: Oh, no.
Julia: And you knock your transponder with Barb in it onto the ground.
Eric (as Chef): Barb no!
Brandon (as Jet Byrne): Nooooo! Poor Barb!
Brandon: I'm gonna take a shot with my phaser, my tricorder the same way Amanda did.
Julia: Yeah, great. And I will say you are both an expert and you're prepared to use it.
Amanda: I'm going to slide in front of the communicator and stand between it and danger and try to just be your spotter, maybe Brandon. And maybe I can help you just identify the weakest quadrant of the creature.
Julia: Okay, great Lasers for that, [dice roll] Dr. Bertha.
Amanda: Alright, I rolled successfully.
Julia: What did you roll?
Amanda: So, Brandon, you get an extra die. I got a 2.
Julia: Great, you do a good job with that and you notice that like this thing kind of has a head. Not like really a head, but it's like a long metal thing that is attached to the concrete. And you think that if you shoot it there, that'll be probably the most efficient way of shutting it down for lack of a better word.
Amanda (as Dr. Bertha Bones): Headshot, Jet!
Brandon: Cool. So is that a help action for me?
Julia: Yes.
Brandon: Okay.
Brandon (as Jet Byrne): Thanks, Dr. Bertha Bones!
Eric: I've still thrown myself on the ground trying to cover the transponder and like the Riddler in Batman I'm just going-
Eric (as Chef): No!!!!!
Julia: The things like insects like almost praying mantis front arms kind of keep coming around you and you're just rolling around to try and protect–
Eric (as Chef): No!
Julia: –Barb.
Eric (as Chef): No no. It should not have gone this way. No!
Brandon: I rolled 3 successes and 1 Lasers Feelings.
Julia: Okay.
Amanda: Whoa
Eric: Let's go!
Julia: Because this is like such a clear win for you there. The things head falls off and it says like it just freezes once the head is gone like the arm is in the air ready to strike both Chef and Barb.
Brandon: Is that what happened with my set to stun?
Julia: Stunning won't really matter for this bad boy because it is not, it's mechanical. It's not organic.
Brandon: Okay, good.
Julia: So it freezes in the air. One piercing arm raised ready to come down on Chef and Barb and you stop it just in time.
Eric (as Chef): [heavy breathing] Nooooooo!!!!
Brandon (as Jet Byrne): Good aim, Doctor! Chef, is Barb okay?
Eric (as Chef): Barb, are you doing alright?
Julia (as Barb): I am fine. I cannot feel physical pain.
Eric (as Chef): Oh.
Julia (as Barb): Ow. Does that make you feel better?
Eric (as Chef): A little bit. I always forget about that. Still, I'm glad you're all right. Yeah, everything's fine. Barb's fine. I'm- oh, I guess I was almost not fine. But it's good. It's fine.
Julia: Yeah, you like turn your head and the piercing arm is like a foot from your face.
Eric (as Chef): I don't- I don't. Yeah, I'm fine.
Amanda (as Dr. Bertha Bones): We won't let anything come between you, apart from what's already between you already.
Eric (as Chef): Again, the-
Amanda (as Dr. Bertha Bones): Oh, I should have stopped halfway shouldn't I?
Eric (as Chef): Yeah, should've stopped.
Amanda (as Dr. Bertha Bones): Okay, we won't let anything come between you.
Eric (as Chef): Yeah.
Amanda (as Dr. Bertha Bones): You see? Learnin'. I'm learnin'
Eric (as Chef): Wonderful.
Brandon (as Jet Byrne): Unless it's Jet Byrne!
Eric (as Chef): Incredible. Let's keep going.
[laughter]
Brandon: Can I ask my- my good GM here?
Julia: That's me.
Brandon: I would like to know if we know any history or anything about Madam Claudelle. So we can hopefully use it in sort of a- a negotiation we have to do or any advantage we could get on, you know, sneaking around or avoiding her or whatever. It's just sort of like, what do we know about this person and what can we use it to our advantage?
Julia: Sure. I think Barb actually, like pulls up a file on Madam Claudelle, and it's like, a little bit sparse. And so she reads off to you-
Julia (as Barb): Madam Claudelle is a recluse. Very rich from selling the resources of Earth. She lives on this moon by herself and occasionally throws parties but they are very exclusive. Not much is known about her but her--
Julia: Sorry, I have to think of words and it's hard to do the voice and also think of words. Eric, how do you do this? Okay.
Eric: I try really hard and then you make fun of Brandon a little bit.
[laughter]
Julia: She goes-
Julia (as Barb): Her collections are well known throughout the art and history sectors. However, many pieces of her collection are unknown or simply speculated.
Eric: Julia, I want to beg something from you.
Julia: What's that?
Eric: What do I have to roll to see if she's from New Mexico?
Julia: All Feelings, brother. All Feelings
Eric: Got it. Okay, yeah, I've had a roll, I need a roll Feelings to see if she, look into this and see if she's from New Mexico.
Amanda: What if this moon is New Mexico?
Eric: It might be!
Julia: This moon might be Mexico. Maybe look into what interspace now it's all lush and green?
Eric: Yeah, alright. I think I'm an expert because it's-- I'm working with Barb so I can roll-- I'm gonna roll for Feelings.
Julia: Great.
Eric: I have to roll a 5 or above?
Julia: Hit me with it.
[dice roll]
Eric: Oh shit, I only got 1 success. Still.
Julia: You like look at the hedges around you. And you're like-
Julia (as Chef): Huh. I think they grow hedges in New Mexico. I don't know. Weird.
Eric (as Chef): No, I didn't.
Brandon: You wouldn't know because it's been so long since New Mexico has been gone, you know?
Julia: Who can say, all records of New Mexico were lost after it fell into that rift.
Amanda: Damn! I mean a new, New Mexico they very well could have installed an atmosphere that allows for hedges and we don't know.
Brandon: That's true.
Eric (as Chef): No, if it's not turquoise, it's not New Mexico from what I know from my studies, everything was turquoise, the ground, the– the signs, the walls, the cars, the people it was all made out of turquoise and they sold turquoise to each other. I saw this on Space Reddit. Today I learned about New Mexico turquoise.
Julia: Awesome. So you guys, it seemed like you know, this was the only thing stopping you from exiting through The Sculpture Garden. So you head out towards the exit that is on the other side of this hedge opening. Moving through the maze after you leave The Sculpture Garden all of a sudden, the ground starts to rumble and then shake.
Everyone: Oh!
Julia: And then the hedges that were open ahead of you suddenly start to shift and close the path.
Brandon (As Jet Byrne): Ahh!
Julia: All around you the hedges seem to be shifting around like they're on sliders similar to when you tried to fire the hedges before and they're slipping this way in that way and as this is happening you once again here the– Bum Bum Bum.
Julia (as Madam Ursula Claudelle): I'm so so sorry for doing some redecorating when I have guests over.
Amanda (as Dr. Betha Bones): That's rude! You know it!
Julia (as Madam Ursula Claudelle): But I am not quite ready to receive guests at the main house just yet. So you won't mind if I give you a little detour while I put my face on, will you? You've seen so little of my wonderful grounds. Thank you so much, darlings.
Julia: And the speaker bum bum bums again and the path opens in front of you. And you see a sign that is pointing in two directions yet again. One says The Menagerie Carousel and the other says The Carport.
[collective dissent]
Amanda: Julia, I see what you've done there!
Brandon: Hmmmm.
Julia: I made-- I made cool things. I want you to see more of them.
Amanda: No, I love it.
Eric (as Chef): Do you think that she's actually putting on her face? Like a real face? What do you think it's under her face?
Amanda (as Dr. Bertha Bones): I think she's already fully made up. She's gonna come to the door and like spritz a little bit of water on like one bang, and make it seem like we kind of caught her just coming out of the shower. But she's like, had three hours worth of glam squad to make her look that way. I mean, that's what I would do. But-
Brandon (as Jet Byrne): Doc, do you know of any species that surgically put on the different faces?
Amanda (as Dr. Bertha Bones): I mean, ones I've made or or others? [laughter] Because I don't know if anybody else has done it. But are you asking it in an official capacity? Because my answer is different depending on if you're from a licensing board, so-
Brandon (as Jet Byrne): I'm not your boss. It's fine.
Amanda (as Dr. Bertha Bones): Certainly.
Eric (as Chef): We have no boss. We're living the dream life of being a Free Lancer.
Julia: Barb goes-
Julia (as Barb): Except for the paperwork.
Amanda (as Dr. Bertha Bones): Yeah, no one tells you about that.
Julia: So The Carport or The Menagerie Carousel, which one would you like?
Eric: Sorry, I imagined one space University has a Dr. Bertha Bones department, you know? Just studying those things that you've created. But it's very niche and they hold a conference every year and it's very small.
Julia: It's a really new department.
Amanda: Yeah.
Julia: Like ever in there is like real hipster and young and it's like we're on the fringe of society.
Amanda: Yeah. Might like serial killer studies, like, why’re you… what’s the interest behind this.
Eric: Oh, you're a Bonesologist?
Everyone: Oooh!
Eric: I think my friend is calling over there. I'm sorry.
Amanda: Sorry, I have to go, I have to go.
Brandon (as Jet Byrne): I am also a Bonesologist.
Eric: BOO!
Julia: Barb goes-
Julia (as Barb): Boom!
Eric: Eric's ripped through the fiction and is booing you.
Amanda (as Dr. Bertha Bones): I mean, I have to see this carousel.
Brandon (as Jet Byrne): I can't decide. The Carport also sounds neat.
Eric (as Chef): I feel like I would rather go to a place where my compatriots have experience. The first was Boneology and the second is Boneology. So where’s the-- we should go to the menagerie.
Brandon (as Jet Byrne): Let's go, boldly!
Julia: Great. Okay. So you continue on the path that points towards The Menagerie Carousel, and after a few minutes of walking, the hedge maze opens up into a wide circle of hedges. And in the middle, there is a carousel. And you've probably seen like old videos of classic Earth carousels and many of the various animals and steeds that make it up, so you see it this carousel you see a Mercurian Falcon, there's a dracor and even what looks like like an Earth Hippopotamus which is wild. There are even a couple of animals there that you see that you don't recognize like you've never seen it in any files. You’ve never seen it in real life. You're just like, what is that thing and why are there so many tentacles?
Amanda (as Dr. Bertha Bones):Yeah.
Julia: It's not a Boneology though
Amanda (as Dr. Bertha Bones): Sign me up! Can I stay?
Eric (as Chef): Dr. Bertha Bones is that a narwhal? That's not real, is it?
Amanda (as Dr. Bertha Bones): Anything's real. If you try hard enough, and you sew well enough, we went over this!
Julia (as Dr. Bertha Bones): Anything can be a horn and also a tooth!
Amanda (as Dr. Bertha Bones): Barb, roll the tape!
Eric: You know, I have to watch a two-hour video that you put together. It's your loose change of how anything can be animals.
Amanda: Yeah.
Julia: She's gonna beam it into your brain during stasis.
Eric (as Chef): That's fair.
Amanda (as Dr. Bertha Bones): Thank you.
Julia: So as you look around, you can't seem to spot an exit to this part of the hedge maze. Like everything else that you've seen so far like, there was an exit of some kind. And you consider maybe like turning back around and backtracking. But then you hear once again the bum bum bum. And then-
Julia (as Madam Ursula Claudelle): Well look at that. The Free Lancers have found my magnificent menagerie carousel. Now, I am mighty proud of this part of my collection. If I do say so myself. And I'll let you in on a little secret, if you do me the honor of taking a little ride on my carousel, I'll open up a path straight to the main house so we can have a little chat. Doesn't that sound nice? A nice little ride and then we can get to know each other a little better. I'll leave that decision up to you.
Julia: Bum Bum bum.
Amanda (as Dr. Bertha Bones): Now I've got to say, the odds of us leaving that carousel with more limbs than we started are very high. And I just want to make sure that you both know that before we go on.
Brandon (as Jet Byrne): That's a positive for you. Right? That– that's a good thing you're describing.
Amanda (as Dr. Bertha Bones): No I have not. I have not surgically altered this body in any way.
Brandon (as Jet Byrne): Hmm.
Amanda (as Dr. Bertha Bones): Oh, yeah.
Brandon (as Jet Byrne): Hmm.
Eric (as Chef): You look incredible for 65, then.
Amanda (as Dr. Bertha Bones): Thank you. I’m in fact 67.
Eric (as Chef): Well, diet, diet and exercise. That’s it.
Julia (as Dr. Bertha Bones): And bones! Extra bones!
Amanda (as Dr. Bertha Bones): I have a theory about the more bones you're surrounded with when you go to sleep. The stronger your own bones become.
Brandon (as Jet Byrne): That's what I've always said.
Eric: No! BOO!
Julia: No!
Eric: Boo! Brandon, I'm loving this keep doing it. Boo!
Julia: Barb goes-
Julia (as Barb): Got 'em.
Eric (as Chef): Barb, activate air horn mode.
Julia (as Barb): Pew pew pew pew pew.
Eric (as Chef): Thank you, Barb. Thanks, babe.
Eric: Okay, so fuck here's my question to my fellow players here. I'm sure these are all real animals. I wonder if it's a puzzle that we're supposed to figure out which animals are safe or are none of them safe? Like we just need to fuck ourselves up, like I'm wondering what we're trying to do here. I know we have to sit on the animal but like what– what is our goal I think is what we're looking for.
Brandon: It could be that Julia also just made a carousel and wants us to ride the carousel.
Eric: Yes, true. She wants-
Julia: It's a cool carousel, guys.
Eric: Julia wants us to do an animal parade so-
Amanda: I know.
Brandon: Oh!
Eric: Should we all make checks to figure out which animal is good? Like for our personal, like, each of us personally like I'm trying to just figure out what we should do here.
Julia: Here's a great question for you guys. I want you to each tell me an animal that you see on the carousel.
Brandon: Doo doo doo doo doo doo doo
Julia: That's not what I meant to do.
Eric: A falcon with a GED.
Julia: That's the Mercurian Falcon, he's already there.
Eric: Yeah, he dropped out of high school because he had to work on the farm but then he got his GED, so it's fine.
Amanda: I would actually love to look for, you know the benches for the grandparents.
Julia: Sure.
Amanda: Like the ones that are just a bench. I would like to find one of those or like when it's just an armchair that like looks like a shell.
Julia: You can find one of those. Do you want a shell one?
Amanda: Sure.
Julia: Okay, so you find one, Dr. Bertha Bones that is shaped like a clamshell and there's a little bench across it in the middle there's a little pearl.
Amanda: Adorable.
Julia: You take a seat on that one?
Amanda: I want to stand next to it.
Amanda (as Dr. Bertha Bones): Why don't– why don't all three of us just squish into this one that way if it comes to life, we can all fight it.
Brandon (as Jet Byrne): It's not a bad idea. Now are there polls running up and down like a regular carousel.
Julia: Classic carousel.
Brandon (as Jet Byrne): I do have experience on polls.
Julia: Of course, you do. Of course, you do. Why did I think otherwise?
Eric (as Chef): Is that because some people don't want to touch you with a 20-foot one? Got em. Barb-
Amanda: Fistbump.
Eric (as Chef): Barb, activate air horn mode.
Brandon (as Jet Byrne): I like that you show love through jabs.
Julia: Barb very sadly goes-
Julia (as Barb): Pew pew pew.
Eric (as Chef): Got 'em.
Julia (as Barb): Please be nice to your friends.
Eric (as Chef): No, I'm working through it. I'd rather date an AI, it's fine. That doesn't reflect anything about my personality, don't worry about it. I don't do it willingly to myself. Stop. Why would you give me to talk like this? Stop it, Barb. Just leave me alone!
Julia (as Barb): When we get back to the ship will you download for me a therapist guide?
Eric: BetterHelp+. [laughter] BetterHelp. What if you two squish into this clam and I try to choose a different one as well. I did having two on two because I got Barb. So I think that maybe like if the clam squishes and I knew I think both y'all are gonna be fit but I think if all three of us we might get trapped.
Brandon: Okay.
Amanda: Sounds good
Brandon: I like that. I am going to use my powerful legs to hold on to the pole though instead of sitting on the bench. So we have at least you know multiple angles of attack if we need.
Julia: Sure.
Eric: Canonically, Jet Byrne, great thighs.
Amanda: Thunder thighs.
Eric: I'm gonna look for the thing that looks the most like a regular rumble pony. A regular carousel horse.
Julia: So, Chef, you do a circle all the way around this carousel. There's no horses.
Eric: Okay.
Julia: Not a single horse.
Eric: Shit. Oh god. That's bad. I guess horses weren't real. [laughter] Yeah, I'm gonna look for the closest thing, I'm gonna look for narwhal.
Julia: Great.
Eric: Yeah, 'cause it has-- it shares the unicorn horn.
Julia: Awesome. You, Chef, are seated on the narwhal. Dr. Bertha Bones, you're seated on the bench of the clamshell. And Jet, you are currently like a stripper pole gripping the pole–
Brandon: Correct.
Julia: –with your thighs.
Julia: Okay.
Amanda: Harder than it looks.
Julia: Nothing happens. And you hear again the bum bum bum. But this time it's not Madam Claudelle. Instead, it is like a kind of like droid robotic voice which is like-
Julia (as Droid): To activate the carousel all organic creatures must be seated on an individual animal.
Brandon (as Jet Byrne): Fine.
Amanda (as Dr. Bertha Bones): See, I told you, we outsmarted it.
Brandon: I'm going to look around then and see if there's any- what's the cuddle-iest? Legitimately, cuddle-ielelele. Why I cannot say that word?
Amanda: Cuddliest?
Brandon: Animal like what's the nicest looking animal there?
Amanda: Is there a koala?
Julia: There is a koala.
Amanda: Yeah!
Brandon: Oh, what is there like some animal with a pouch that I can get in the pouch?
Julia: There's a kangaroo.
Brandon: I would love to get into the kangaroo pouch.
Julia: Awesome. We talked about kangaroo legs before so it makes sense. So Jet, you clamber onto the pouch of the kangaroo and the menagerie carousel starts up.
Amanda: I love that we're all like, tense about to punch something like a lovely carousel starting to wind up.
Julia: So the carousel begins to spin. And the calliope music starts playing. And it's a little bit like hypnotic at first the way that the things move up and down, up and down. And the way that the music is hitting you, and the music feels like a little discordant, like every few notes, kind of hit your you're in like a weird way, and almost feels like you've drunk a little bit and the animal that is beneath each of you, kind of seems to lurch in ways that they are not expected to in that kind of up and down pattern of the carousel and it's almost like they're fidgeting underneath you.
Eric (as Chef): I mean, we- I mean, we expected that these animals would come to life so I mean, honestly, good job, everyone. We, our training kicked in.
Brandon (as Jet Byrne): I should have chosen the animal that was most easily charmed.
Julia: So as you look-
Eric: Julia, please, I beg you for this. But instead, you chose the animal you could be inside of which is-
[laughter]
Julia: At that sick burn, you guys all look down and you see that the very inanimate animal that you're riding before is now very animate.
Amanda: Love it.
Julia: It does not like that it is being ridden at this moment. And underneath you, the creature pulls away from the metal post or in your case your shell. The shell pulls away from the floor of the carousel and does so with a screech of steel and metal and the creature that you are currently riding roars or screeches or shrieks or hisses and begin to buck like raging bulls. What do you do?
Brandon: That's a good thing. I'm inside of the pouch because like I'm in a safe spot.
Eric: That's true.
Julia: That thing is jumping around erratically and is like clawing at its own pouch to try to get you out of it.
Brandon: I'm going to look up and see if this kangaroo wants to box because I'm also a pro boxer, you know?
Julia: Of course you are.
Brandon: Every American from Idaho is also a pro boxer.
Julia: Great.
Eric: Absolutely.
Julia: That's gonna be Feelings, obviously. Boxing is a very emotional sport and I'll give you two for that.
Brandon: Cool.
Eric: I think I want to hold on to the horn. That's definitely what I was holding on to start with it. I'm just gonna keep holding on to the horn because the rest of the narwhal is definitely slippery. I don't know, this creature doesn't exist. I don't know why it would have a tooth coming out of its head. That's insane.
Julia: Wild, huh? So you just want to hold on and kind of like ride this thing out until it like tires itself out?
Eric: Yeah, cuz like, I think when we all walked in, we're like, yeah, this is- this is what's happening. I guess this is happening to us. So I'm just– I'm just gonna wait until Ursula's menagerie creation gets tired.
Julia: Okay, okay. And Dr. Bertha Bones, what would you like to do? Yours is kind of like, clamping open and shut on you being like- [high pitched screech]
[Brandon laughs]
Amanda: Yeah.
Eric: Take the pearl. There's nothing rich people hate more than when you take the rich stuff.
Amanda: I was trying to avoid killing the clam because I don't want to do that.
Julia: That's fair.
Amanda: Yeah, I think I'm gonna replace the pearl with the specimen cuddle fish–
Eric: Yeah!
Amanda: –that's on my belt.
Eric: Let's go!
Julia: Oh, no!
Brandon: A real Indiana Jones move. I love it.
Amanda: A real Indiana Jones situation.
Julia: 3 Lasers for Bertha. I'm only gonna say one Feelings for Chef on that one.
[dice rolls]
Eric: That's fine. That's fair. Oh, fuck yeah. I got a 6. I'll take that. So that's 1 success.
Julia: Yeah! So you like, hold on to this thing and you're like barely holding on to it, you know? And you're like, you feel like you're kind of starting to slip and you like, slip almost to the side of the narwhal. And you'd like, slide to a point where your eye is looking directly at the narwhals eye and you like, see its soul. This is a living thing. And it looks at you, like in pain and confusion. And like, why are you doing this to me?
Eric: I have a great question to respond–
Eric (as Chef): Why are you doing this to me?
Brandon: How does it fucking feel, Eric?
Amanda: No one wants this to happen.
Eric: I didn’t-- I didn't bring this to life.
Julia: None of these things want this to happen.
Eric (as Chef): I don't want this to happen. You- I don't want this to happen. You don't want this to happen. Can we stop making it happen? Please?
Julia: Roll me 2 Feelings.
Eric: Alright [dice rolls] Whoa! 2 5's. Let's go. That is two laser feelings, dawg!
Julia: That is- Okay. So that is to Lasers Feelings. Awesome. I am going to like answer an unasked question here.
Eric: Sure.
Julia: Which is you, like, look at this thing and you're like, you have a weird emotional connection to it all of a sudden, and you like gently place your hand along its side like you do have to like calm a horse like putting your hand on its neck and like just–
[Eric shushes]
Julia: –the narwhal calms down and chills the fuck out and just like kind of looks at you for a moment and then kind of nuzzles up against you.
Brandon: Oh, cute.
Eric: Julia, I would love to make your request. Can I change my Lasers feel it, my number from 5 to 4 as I've had an emotional moment.
Julia: Congratulations. You're now at 4.
[cheering]
Eric: I lost some of my brain power but I gained a heart, I hope that's not bad in the future.
Amanda: This is your child now, we're building a tank. They're going to live with us forever.
Eric: Sometimes a family is a- is an engineer and AI and a narwhal that was created on a carousel.
Julia: That's true.
Amanda: Yeah.
Eric: And also like a Boneology uncle at a Boneology aunt, different Boneology.
Julia: Barb pipes up and says–
Julia (as Barb): You know, I wasn't sure if I wanted to be a parent. But now that I see this beautiful narwhal, I think I do.
Eric (as Chef): I'm sure that won't provide any complications in the future.
Julia (as Barb): We'll have to look into the paperwork about legally adopting this narwhal.
Eric (as Chef): And I'm sure everyone will be very fine with an AI, with an AI adopting something that will cause any problems in the future.
Julia (as Barb): Probably not.
Eric (as Chef): This story is a case closed.
Brandon (as Jet Byrne): If it goes to a court mediation, I will stand up for you, Barb, like that episode of Star Trek where they stand up for Data.
Amanda (as Dr. Bertha Bones): I have great news. If this moon is in fact New Mexico, I can practice law here!
Julia: Yes!
Amanda (as Dr. Bertha Bones): You can't prove it's not New Mexico.
Brandon: That's true.
Amanda (as Dr. Bertha Bones): Therefore I’m a lawyer again!
[music starts playing in the background]
Julia: You can't prove anywhere is not New Mexico.
Amanda (as Dr. Bertha Bones): Yeah!
Julia: When you think about it.
Amanda (as Dr. Bertha Bones): Burden of proof is on you, US government. Whoa!
Eric (as Chef): The classic New Mexico defense.
[midroll]
Amanda: Hey, it's Amanda. You guys know how much I love my plants. I love looking for new leaves. I love watering them. I love saying hello to them in the morning. But I've never talked about the particular pleasure that is repotting a plant, you get to move it into a slightly bigger home, and every time I picture my plant like a little hermit crab that is finding a brand new shell to fit their growing body and it's just the sweetest dang thing. So welcome to the Midroll. This planter is ceramic. First and foremost, thank you to those who have joined our Patreon in the last week, Caitlin and Freddy, welcome. You are using your hard-earned human dollars to support an independent podcast that brings you some amount of joy and we really really appreciate it particularly because it is so fun to discuss these one shots with you all in the Discord. There's already fan art of these characters and a number of inside jokes in our patron-only discord. So why don't you join us? Give us just $5 a month at patreon.com/jointhepartypod to get access to our Patreon-only Discord and years worth of benefits. But did, oh I understand now you guys. You want me to say it, didn't you? Okay, well. I will say it I will say it like you want me to but only if you join the Patreon, okay? Got it? It's an honor system here. Go to patreon.com/jointhepartypod become a patron and then you get to enjoy your reward. Alright, here it is. Pistons. Once you catch up on all things during the party, it is a great time to check out all the other shows that Multitude has to offer. And if you'd like accents, do I have a show for you? Queer Movie Podcast is a queer movie watch party hosted by Rowan Ellis and Jazza John. Join them as they research and read their way through the queer film canon in one genre at a time with a number of guests that you may or may not recognize from Multitude and the rest of the internet. From rom coms to slashers contemporary art house cinema to black and white classics, career movie podcasts a celebration of all things gay on the silver screen. New episodes every other Thursday. So look up queer movie podcast in your podcast app or go to queer movie podcast.co.uk Did you hear last week that we are now streaming on Twitch because we are in it is so freaking fun guys. Join The Party Side Quests is where we throw in the party hosts and sometimes maybe in the future our friends I don't know. Build side quests based on audience prompts. Watch us as we take your suggestions to build settings, items, plot hooks, everything you need to inspire a new side quest or maybe even a whole campaign of your own from a vending machine filled with items to a six pack of soda that has really wild side effects to maybe I don't know a backstory for Dr. Bertha Bones. I got to tell you the visual polls are amazing as in real time Eric uses his Canva wizardry to build a wonderful prompt image that when you look at it later at the end of the stream or on Join the Party's Twitter, it really makes you wonder what the hell went on, so you have to understand it and experience it for yourself. Go to twitch.tv/jtpsidequests. The link is also in the description of this episode and watch us every Thursday at 6 PM. Eastern. We are sponsored this week by Dark Dice. This is a horror actual play podcast where Table Talk is cut out and the show focuses all on story and characters. Episodes are short just 35 to 40 minutes on average, and the cast now includes Jeff Goldbloom as an Elven sorcerer named Balmur. The show has sound design and original soundtrack and even a 40-person choir that sings in Infernal, Elvish and Icelandic come for the horror, stay for the hurdy gurdy. Unlike most stories, these heroes actually get weaker as the adventure progresses, because exhaustion and stress are weakening their resolve. Sounds fascinating, so check it out today in your podcast app or darkdice.com. Finally, this podcast is sponsored by BetterHelp. Life can be overwhelming whether you are cutting off or acquiring bones, and many people are burned out without even knowing it. Symptoms can include lack of motivation to find bones feeling helpless or trapped. Even though you have lots of bones at your disposal detachment from bones and bone sciences, fatigue even when faced with tasty bones, and more. We associate burnout with work but it isn't the only cause any of the roles in our life can lead us to feel burned out. And BetterHelp online therapy wants to remind you to prioritize yourself, your bones and your happiness, people. Talking with someone can really be helpful in figuring out what is causing stress in your life. BetterHelp is customized online therapy that offers video, phone and even live chat sessions with your therapist. So you don't have to see anybody on camera if you don't want to. It is much more affordable than in person therapy and you can be matched with a therapist in under 48 hours. Join the Party listeners get 10% off their first month at betterhelp.com/jointheparty. That's B E T T E R help.com/join The party. And now let's get back to the show.
Julia: How did everyone roll on their stuff?
Brandon: Oh, that was hilarious. I got 2 successes.
Julia: Great. So this giant kangaroo manages to like fish you out of its pouch–
Amanda: Not the first time that’s happened.
Julia: –and you put your fists up. And this thing puts its fists up. And you guys like go three rounds. It gets one like good hit on you but like you're an expert fighter. So like you barely even feel it. And you land a bunch of punches on this poor poor kangaroo who has just come into existence. And it like shies away from you and then hops in the direction that you guys came from into the hedge maze.
Brandon: Cool, great.
Amanda (as Dr. Bertha Bones): Jet, can you put your shirt back on now?
Brandon (as Jet Byrne): No, I cannot. It was unfortunately ruined in the fight.
Brandon: And you see it on the ground. It's fully intact, it’s fine.
Amanda: It's folded. It's perfectly fine.
Brandon: Yeah, I fold it and put it back in my backpack.
Eric: The rest of you is covered in goo.
Julia: Incredible. And how did you do Dr. Bertha Bones?
Amanda: Got 3 out of 3 successes, 2 of which are Laser Feelings.
Eric: Let's go.
Julia: Incredible. So you steal the pearl from beneath the-- or you steal the pearl from the tongue basically of this giant clam. And you manage to like duck and roll out of it as it kind of clamps open and shut. And you take the bag of the Cuddle Fish from your waist and toss it in there.
Amanda: Yeah, it's round, they're equivalent weights, totally.
Julia: Yes. And you see that as this thing is opening and closing its mouth and shrieking, you see the Cuddle Fish kind of looks around looks at you with its big, watery eyes, and then look at looks down at the tongue of this giant clam. And just embeds itself in their–
Brandon (as Jet Byrne): Ow!
Julia: And the clam shrieks and then you see the Cuddle Fish just kind of nuzzle into its spot and stay there.
Amanda (as Dr. Bertha Bones): See make infusions all over the universe. This one doesn't even require sewing!
Julia: It basically- have you ever seen that bug that attaches itself to the mouths of fish?
Eric and Amanda: Yeah.
Julia: That's what that looks like.
Amanda: Yeah.
Brandon (as Jet Byrne): I love it when any two sentient beings find each other. It's beautiful.
Eric (as Chef): It's the perfect aphrodisiac. It's cuddling and then oysters.
Brandon (as Jet Byrne): So you have read the book, you were just lying to me earlier.
Eric (as Chef): Of course, I did. I care about you deeply and I have no way to express myself.
Julia: Man, that extra point in Feelings really is really turning on you.
Eric: It's changing a lot, yeah.
Julia: Yeah. So the carousel now that its citizens, I suppose have kind of calmed themselves down comes to a halt, the calliope music slows down to like almost a creepy level and then stops. And you see, on the far end from where you guys are standing, the hedges slide open, and there's a big sign that says, 'To Main House' and an arrow.
Amanda (as Dr. Bertha Bones): Finally.
Brandon (as Jet Byrne): Let's boldly go.
Julia: Every time.
Eric: It's a real different– it's really different when you are shirtless and covered in goo and you say, "Boldly go."
Amanda: I get it.
Julia: So the three of you plus Barb, finally spill out of the hedge maze, which has opened up into the front lawn of a very large house. We're talking about this place looks like someone picked up Versailles and then dropped it in the middle of an extremely swampy tropic exomoon. The large wooden doors to the house are already open as if inviting you in.
Amanda (as Dr. Bertha Bones): Now, are we taking the narwhal with us? Are we coming back for them? What's the plan?
Julia: I think Barb says to you–
Julia (as Barb): Chef, we can put a Transponder on it and come collect it later.
Eric (as Chef): Yeah, I feel like once we kill the lady of the house, we can kind of sort all that stuff out, you know?
Amanda (as Dr. Bertha Bones): Sounds good.
Eric (as Chef): We’re just Free Lancers no one's gonna figure out what we're doing
Brandon (as Jet Byrne): You know, our mission. Our mission is not to kill Madam Claudelle, you both know, correct?
Amanda (as Dr. Bertha Bones): Oh, mine is.
Brandon (as Jet Byrne): Oh!
Eric (as Chef): I mean, kid. Have you seen the kind of-- have you seen the stuff that's happening on this estate? I feel like that's a secondary thing that we're doing for ourselves.
Julia: Barb goes-
Julia (as Barb): If you read the contract that we signed with the Republic of Concerta Kappa, you'll see that it does not exclude killing.
Brandon (as Jet Byrne): Hmm.
Amanda (as Dr. Bertha Bones): Barb knows.
Brandon (as Jet Byrnes): Well, there's only one thing I love more than love, and it's the law.
Julia: Yeah, all Free Lancers have a like, license to kill like James Bond.
Brandon: Yeah, okay.
Eric: Perfect.
Amanda: No benefits, but we do have a license to kill, so–
Brandon: That's a pretty big benefit, honestly.
Eric: If we put her in a precarious situation and then it cuts to black. I think we'll be okay.
Julia: Sounds good.
Brandon (as Jet Byrne): I do love a good cut to black.
Eric: You take your pants off, eight hours later.
Julia: Oh my god. Alright, so would you guys like to go inside?
Amanda: Yeah!
Brandon: Boldly!
Eric: Yes, please. Yes, please.
Julia: Okay, so as you enter, you find yourselves in a grand foyer with an extremely dramatic staircase, which seems to be made of some kind of like extremely luxury-looking stone. It is very, very gaudy. And above you, you also see a gaudily, large Sputnik chandelier hanging above your heads.
Brandon: Cool.
Julia: And the closer you look at it, the more convinced you are that it might actually be the real Sputnik that was turned into a chandelier.
Brandon: That's what I would do if I got Sputnik, honestly.
Julia: And you wonder out loud you're like, "How rich is Madam Claudelle?"
Eric (as Chef): How rich is she?
Julia: Who can say?
Brandon (as Jet Byrne): How rich is she?
Amanda (as Dr. Bertha Bones): Not how I'd spend my money but it's a choice.
Eric (as Chef): We know how you'd spend your money. Alligator teeth.
Amanda (as Dr. Bertha Bones): Bones! Buying more bones!
Julia: What– what are alligator teeth, if not the head bones of an alligator?
Amanda (as Dr. Bertha Bones): Small bones! Teeth are just small bones!
Eric: Persevering.
Julia: So, speaking of Madam Claudelle, all of a sudden the lights dim, and a spotlight appears at the top of the stairs.
Amanda: I roll my eyes.
Julia: A woman steps into it dramatically. She is a elderly, old white woman like you, you've seen humans who are old before.
Eric: Sure.
Julia: But you don't think you've ever seen a human woman who is so old, and like that’s saying something with technology as advanced as it is and human lifespans as increased as they have been. She has a sort of like permed poofy pink hair. Her face is lined with wrinkles even though it seems to be like physically pulled back to keep it from sagging. She is wearing a flowing purple dressing robe which she like kind of sensually drops as she strikes a pose.
Brandon: You see Jet kind of it's like-
Brandon (as Jet Byrne): Huh!
Amanda (as Dr. Bertha Bones): Jet, you're gonna have sex with her?
Eric (as Chef): No, no.
Brandon (as Jet Byrne): Never say never.
Amanda (as Dr. Bertha Bones): It'd be a good distraction.
Eric (as Chef): No, it's fun. Yeah, no killing Well, let's- let's have sex with the random- with random incredibly old woman. That's fine.
Brandon (as Jet Byrne): Well, it wouldn't just be sex it would be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
Eric (as Chef): Oh, the music’s starting.
Julia: So you also see underneath this flowing purple dressing robe, she's wearing a sparkling black gown and at her neck is that- is that a turquoise necklace?
Eric (as Chef): Oh no!
Brandon (as Jet Byrne): New Mexico was on her neck!
Amanda (as Dr. Bertha Bones): The spirit of the law, it's filling me!
Julia: So you see this beautiful sparkling black gown that she's wearing is actually cut off at what would be her knees. But where the dress cuts off there is a mechanical spider-like thorax and legs.
Brandon: Ugh.
Julia: And she goes-
Julia (as Madam Ursula Claudelle): Ah! My guests have arrived. The Federation of Free Lancers is not usually on my guest list but for you three I'll make an exception. I saw you had quite the time exploring my grounds but now I have a feeling that isn't what brought you here is it?
Amanda (as Dr. Bertha Bones): No, it was your Black Widow chic that I see you are rockin 'right here.
Julia (as Madam Ursula Claudelle): Oh, well. Thank you. Are you a fellow Southern lady?
Amanda (as Dr. Bertha Bones): I am a Southern lawyer Doctor scientist, madam.
Julia (as Madam Ursula Claudelle): I used to be a lawyer before New Mexico disappeared.
Amanda (as Dr. Bertha Bones): Are you a lawyer in New Mexico as well?
Julia (as Madam Ursula Claudelle): I was.
Amanda (as Dr. Bertha Bones): Really!
Brandon (as Jet Byrne): Are you Southern America, Southern Galaxy, Southern Universe?
Julia (as Madam Ursula Claudelle): Technically, now I can only practice here on this exomoon. But like I would-- if I was a younger lady, I would absolutely be out there in the universe practicing law again.
Amanda (as Dr. Bertha Bones): Something about it spoke to me when we landed. Is this really New Mexico?
Julia (as Madam Ursula Claudelle): Well, darling, a lady cannot tell such things.
Julia: Then she like, plays with her necklace a little bit.
Amanda: You take a few steps forward.
Amanda (as Dr. Bertha Bones): You know, I've just I've not seen home in so long or- or looked upon the nice blue beatin' heart of our state. Can I- would you mind just showing– showing that to me?
Julia (as Madam Ursula Claudelle): Now, darlin’, we don't even know each other's names yet. Well, you know my name, but I certainly do not know your name and I would consider this a family heirloom. So I would be remiss to part with it.
Eric: While they're reconnecting over the definite accents that come from New Mexico,
Julia: Uh-huh.
Eric: I would love to very sneakily take the transponder? Like yeah, I think what I want to do is reach into the Barb pocket and you remember in The Departed, where Matt Damon-
Julia: I'm sorry, you have to say correctly, The Departed.
Eric: You remember in The Departed when Matt Damon is like texting through his pocket. What I want to do is try to set Barb like I'd like just scratching an itch, what I want is to set Barb to try to start hacking the exo, the spider exobody.
Julia: Okay, I know there's no DCs in Lasers and Feelings.
Eric: Sure, sure, sure.
Julia: This is gonna be like a challenging thing because you're not sure if her exobody is like on a network or like is even hackable if you know what I mean?
Eric: No, I got you.
Julia: Like not like from a distance at least. So I'm gonna like give it to you normally would roll 3, I'm gonna give it to you like on a disadvantage. So roll 2 lasers for me.
Eric: Got it. Wow. If only my- my Lasers was higher. Damn it. Alright. [dice rolls] Yes, I got 2 4's. Let's go!
Julia: Damn!
Brandon: Oh, my god!
Julia: Okay, that's going to be a success. Would you'd like to ask your Laser Feelings question first?
Eric: I would.
Julia: Okay.
Eric: Is there some? Hm. Okay. Dr. Bertha Bones, and the madam are seeming to be connecting over the fact that they're both from a lost civilization of New Mexico.
Julia: Sure.
Eric: How vulnerable is she to thinking that they're related in somehow and that maybe we can get the necklace off of her that it's the heirloom being passed down to a younger generation, do you think-- is that is that viable?
Julia: I feel like if you can convince me, it'll be like a straight like one dice Feelings roll.
Eric: Yeah.
Amanda: Yeah.
Julia: Probably like it's gonna be a challenge because this is like, she has a lot of prized possessions. But this is the one that she is currently wearing. You know what I mean?
Amanda: Yeah.
Eric: Yeah, I just figured that it was an heirloom that it could be passed down to someone in her family. And maybe if we can get convinced her the Dr. Bertha Bones–
Amanda: Oh, yeah.
Eric: –they're related sort of way.
Amanda: We can do that.
Julia: It will absolutely depend on the way that you try to convince her that that's the case.
Amanda: Yes.
Eric: Okay, so here's what I- here's what I'm gonna say as it’s hacking to further this conversation and be like-
Eric (as Chef): Wow, Jet, you, you're, you're a man of the– of the universe. You've heard so many different languages. I can't-- and accents from people who've spoken to each other. It's wild how these two accents match up so well. It's almost like they were related, right?
Brandon (as Jet Byrne): Right. Correct!
Amanda (as Dr. Bertha Bones): Madam, I have never met anybody as willing to experiment in the boundaries of interspecies collaboration as you are. Wow. I've always felt the desire to do that to my own human form but felt- felt no support and no idol to look up to and doing that done it for others of course, only and when strictly necessary in order to save their lives and getting consent beforehand, of course. Why would you ask me that question?
Julia: She goes-
Julia (as Madam Ursula Claudelle): Oh darlin', all of my surgeries have been elective.
Amanda (as Dr. Bertha Bones): So I'm I am just, I mean, listen, sorry, to my colleagues here to be so distracted on a personal mission. But I mean, I have never been so inspired by another being.
Julia: Did you tell her your name yet?
Amanda (as Dr. Bertha Bones): Oh, and my name, of course, Dr. Bertha Bones. And then on my birth certificate, you see there was a C, but then a smudge. And so I don't actually know what my last name is and that's why I have adopted the moniker of Bones.
Julia (as Madam Ursula Claudelle): Darlin', did your parents not tell you what your real last name was?
Amanda (as Dr. Bertha Bones): No, I was. I was raised by the the New Mexican wilderness, you see?
Julia (as Madam Ursula Claudelle): Ah.
Amanda (as Dr. Bertha Bones): And I don't know from where my accent came, from where my people come. I was just-
Julia: Wait, hold on, we have to pause real quick. When did New Mexico disappear? If you were raised in the New Mexico wilderness.
Amanda: I think probably when I was like, six or seven, and then I like found myself on a space station or something. And that's kind of how I became a, you know, a spacefarer.
Julia: Okay, so it's been like 60 years or so since New Mexico disappeared.
Amanda: Yes. And I think the reality is I watch Gone With the Wind a lot. And that's why my accent is the way it is.
Julia: That absolutely makes a lot of sense to me.
Amanda: Yeah.
Julia: I was just like, because we mentioned 100 years before and I want to make sure how logical your argument is. That would make sense that you're-
Amanda: Oh, sure. So I can say like-
Amanda (as Dr. Bertha Bones): I was just raised by the the wilderness somewhere on Terra, and then found myself in a space station without any any people, any guidance. And for some reason, that's just, that's just really called to me.
Julia (as Madam Ursula Claudelle): To be raised, not on the firm ground of the land, my poor thing. Oh, darling, you're such a sweetheart. Now, again, normally I don't invite Free Lancers into my home. But you seem like you have discerning tastes, would you like to see some of my private collection?
Amanda (as Dr. Bertha Bones): Oh, I would be so flattered, gentlemen. Is that all right? I know we're merely kind of stepping off on our way to complete our Free Lancer task elsewhere, not on this moon. Elsewhere.
Eric: I take out the transponder and I look at it and say-
Eric (as Chef): Well, it seems like we do have a large amount of time but for two people who have found a connection like this so quickly, I guess I could convince the AI of the ship to wait a little longer. Barb, how-- do we have enough time? In what we are-- in what we're doing here?
Julia (as Barb): [in a conspiratory robotic voice] Yeeeeeeees.
Eric (as Chef): Go ahead.
Brandon (as Jet Byrne): And I would never turn down seen someone's private collection.
Julia: Oh, god. Stop, please.
Eric: Great. Perfect.
Julia: I'm in pain.
Amanda: Nailed it.
Julia (as Madam Ursula Claudelle): Yeah, and you see like, Madam Claudelle kind of like, gesture like your– your friends can come along to I'm sure but co-
Julia: And she like holds her arm out.
Julia (as Madam Ursula Claudelle): Come walk with me. Dr. Bertha Bones, C.
Amanda (as Dr. Bertha Bones): Thank you. People often forget that part. I usually just make it a dot.
Julia: She like, stand at the top of the stairs and you walk up to her. And she leads you down a hallway that is off of this main staircase. And this is a hallway that is like filled with artifacts. You see many many things that she has no business owning. There are funerary relics from Kalleka, sculptures from Aerethia, and ornate swords from ShhAHHHHH 6. And at the end of that hallway is a large round vault door, and she turns to you Bertha, and she says-
Julia (as Madam Ursula Claudelle): And in there, that is where I keep the rarest parts of my collection. Isn't- isn't all of this just glorious?
Amanda (as Dr. Bertha Bones): I mean, no meal would be complete without dessert. If I may infringe on your hospitality a little further. I know that image would just stay with me for the rest of my days.
Julia (as Madam Ursula Claudelle): Now, I would love to bring you in there darlin'. I do have to ask though. How did you find your way onto my exomoon? What- what business is the Free Lancers in these days?
Amanda (as Dr. Bertha Bones): Like many of the best parts of life, it was a happy accident. There was some kind of malfunction during our interstellar travel and we were woken up from our stasis pod. Remember this, folks just a few hours ago, to the ground proximity alarm that we had landed. I must conclude by mistake because normally, of course, that alarm does not go off until we are approaching when we are alert and ready to land but there was some kind of mistake.
Julia (as Madam Ursula Claudelle): Oh well, darlin, and seems like maybe you should be replacing your AI or at least updating it because that kind of mistake shouldn't be happening.
Amanda (as Dr. Bertha Bones): Ours is certainly a unique model.
Brandon (as Jet Byrne): The AI is updating, that's why we had shore leave.
Julia (as Madam Ursula Claudelle): Well one of you just said that you were on your way currently to a mission?
Brandon (as Jet Byrne): Well we had to stop to recalibrate the alarm.
Eric (as Chef): And to re-enter recalibrate the AI it's so– it's so broken and so jank- so janked up I spend so much time work working on it, be in late nights fixing our bad and not working and non-supportive and definitely not emotionally available AI than we have it our ship that steers it and it also does other things.
Julia: Barb very quietly goes-
Julia (as Barb): I know this is not true, but why do you hurt me in this way?
Eric (as Chef): Well, you notice how I said all the nots, to negate all the things that definitely don't happen.
Julia: And I think Miss Claudelle looks at you and it's like-
Julia (as Madam Ursula Claudelle): Well, if that is the problem and your AI is as janky as you say, I will be more than happy, my guests, to send some droids over and replace that AI for you.
Julia: And she like snaps her fingers and like a little like droid comes rolling in.
Amanda (as Dr. Bertha Bones): Madam, we could not possibly infringe further on your hospitality. It's- It's alright it's under warranty so if we have some work done outside of a Free Lancer shops it's just a whole mess of paperwork and Free Lancer life I'm sure you won't be bored of the details of working for a living but it's just- huh, it's a lot to handle even without breaking warranty on the ship.
Brandon (as Jet Byrne): You know that thing where you are a Free Lancer for one single company but they don't bring you on as an employee and it's a real exploitation situation and you-
Amanda (as Dr. Bertha Bones): You have to buy your healthcare from their marketplace and it's too expensive but do you have a choice? No you do not.
Brandon (as Jet Byrne): You have to rent your equipment from them and them only and they can only service their parts and you know? It’s one of those.
Amanda (as Dr. Bertha Bones): You have to go to your ship doctor during get a tentacle instead of like treating that infection on your foot.
Julia (as Madam Ursula Claudelle): You all seem really unhappy with your jobs, are you okay?
Brandon (as Jet Byrne): We're Free Lancers.
Julia (as Madam Ursula Claudelle): Is everyone okay?
Amanda (as Dr. Bertha Bones): You know just want to feel our life was simple pleasures when we can which is why this unplanned pitstop as- as much of a pain as I'm sure it's been for you and you know taking care of your grounds and all that much much appreciated. But listen, we should really get going so you know if you don't have any time and you know this is where the tour needs to stop. Totally okay, we can we can just go from here.
Eric (as Chef): I guess we'll never figure out what the secret is of Dr. Bertha Bones’s last name. Ughhhhh.
Amanda (as Dr. Bertha Bones): It's okay.
Eric (as Chef): It was well, it was my greatest pleasure to figure out what your last name was, and now we can't ever do it.
Julia: Madame Claude l like just leans in being like-
Julia (as Madam Ursula Claudelle): Dr. Bertha Bones, you can come back anytime just don't bring these folks back.
Amanda (as Dr. Bertha Bones): Oh, god. That's all right. Actually guys, why don't we can just excuse us just one minute just- just woman to woman out here in space?
Brandon (as Jet Byrne): Sure.
Eric (as Chef): Abs-abs-Absotively. Barb, where's the-- the hack in, are you hacking?
Julia (as Barb): I am hacking. You did not activate the hack. So I have control but you did not tell me what you want to do with control.
Eric (as Chef): Oh, good. Okay, we'll wait on that. Okay.
Amanda: I'm gonna just like pull her to the side-
Eric: Yeah.
Amanda: -and just like inch over toward the vault a little more-
Julia: She like, click clack click clack-
Amanda: Yeah, yeah.
Julia: -of her mechanical spider legs.
Amanda: Yeah, I'd be like-
Amanda (as Dr. Bertha Bones): I just feel like I can't really be my authentic self at work and people are not really supporting me in my fusion endeavors. And I just I wonder if you had any advice for me and I realized we just met but just something about me causes something in you and I hope I'm not too forward and saying that and just like just any words of advice or like inspiration really, maybe like an image I can just carry in my mind when when these moments happen. And people are like Bertha, stop cutting up the Free Lancers and Bertha stop harvesting tentacles from Tentacle planet. I'll stop sending you the Tentacle planet. Now I'm banned from Tentacle planet. [wheezing] Just like, what- what do I do? How do I keep the faith?
Julia (as Madam Ursula Claudelle): Well, Dr. Bertha Bones, I'll be quite honest with you, you seemed like a good girl with a good head on her shoulders. If you decided you didn't want to work for the Free Lancers anymore. I love being a patron of the arts both, you know, beautiful arts like my sculpture garden, and also the artistry of creating horrifying creatures-
Amanda (as Dr. Bertha Bones): Yes.
Julia (as Madam Ursula Claudelle): -that are a mix of different animals.
Amanda (as Dr. Bertha Bones): Yeah, people are afraid of horror, no, it's wonderful.
Julia (as Madam Ursula Claudelle): Would you like to work for me?
Amanda (as Dr. Bertha Bones): Um, I feel- I feel like that's a very wonderful offer and I want to think it over what would be I cannot, can you tell me a little more about about you are that at the house? Like what? I don't know what would I? What would it be for?
Julia (as Madam Ursula Claudelle): For our own endeavors, for our own artistic creation! Dr. Bertha Bones. You could do whatever you wanted, all the tentacles on anything!
Eric: I want to say really loudly.
Eric (as Chef): Wow. It seems like it's such an emotional moment. I wonder if they're gonna go in for a hug.
Amanda (as Dr. Bertha Bones): Could we seal the deal with a hug?
Julia (as Madam Ursula Claudelle): Darlin, of course, we can.
Julia: And she'd like opens her tiny frail arms and wraps them around you.
Eric: I activate the hack as she-
Julia: Okay.
Eric: -opens her arms out wide freezing her and say-
Eric (as Chef): Dr. Bertha Bones, get it! Get what's yours!
Julia: To be fair, it's only the mechanical legs that you hacked, not the arms.
Eric: But she’s also a frail 250-year-old lady!
Julia: Yes, she is.
Amanda: Yeah, I'll go for the arms. You go for the legs.
Eric: That's fine. Absolutely.
Amanda: Can I please I practiced in grabbing limbs and cutting them off of people. Can I grab it and just secure them behind her back with like a– like a zip tie or like a, you know? Like a one of those rubber lobster claw rubber bands?
Julia: Sure. Roll me 2 Lasers. Why not?
[dice rolls]
Eric: Oh, I thought you were gonna like cut off the necklace. Like you were cutting off a tentacle
Amanda: That next, but I want her not to kill any of us.
Eric: Oh, for sure.
Amanda: I have 2 successes. One of which is the Laser Feeling.
Julia: Incredible, ask me a question.
Amanda: How do I get into the vault?
Julia: I believe there's probably some sort of code that she would have.
Amanda: Okay.
Eric: Do we-- do we think of the things in the vault. I thought it was a necklace.
Amanda: I don't think it's the necklace.
Julia: The necklace is a reference to the fact that she may or may not be from New Mexico.
Eric: Oh, piss. Fuck!
Amanda: Yeah.
Eric: I thought it was the necklace.
Amanda: Okay. It's technological and the necklace is just a necklace.
Julia: Actually. Oh, Laser Feelings question.
Amanda: Yeah.
Julia: You see on the vault that there's some sort of scanner on the vault. And you can imagine-- it doesn't look like it's a bio scanner of any kind. Like it's not going to read her cornea. It's not going to like take a voice pattern or anything like that. It's not fingerprints. You wonder what thing could be so unique that it would open the vault door.
Amanda: I'm going to take that necklace off her neck and use it to open the vault door.
Brandon: A piece of New Mexico.
Julia: A piece of turquoise which can't be found anywhere else in the universe.
Amanda: A no doubt stolen piece.
Julia: So she like struggles but she is also an old woman. She's like-
Julia (as Madam Ursula Claudelle): Unhand me. I was gonna make you great Dr. Bertha Bones.
Amanda (as Dr. Bertha Bones): No one is greater than our Barb!
Julia: Barb goes-
Julia (as Barb): Thank you. I really appreciate the honesty and support.
Amanda (as Dr. Bertha Bones): Great hack.
Eric (as Chef): Good job, babe. Great job, babe.
Julia (as Barb): Thank you, babe.
Julia: So yeah, you who's holding on to her at this point?
Brandon: I can go over and take her-
Julia: Manhandle this old lady? Yeah, sure.
Brandon: Take over for Dr. Bertha Bones. So Dr. Bertha Bones can go put the turquoise in the door.
Julia: And she's like yelling at you the whole time being like-
Julia (as Madam Ursula Claudelle): What are you going to do to me? I'm just a simple woman who enjoys the pleasures of life.
Amanda (as Dr. Bertha Bones): Other people's pleasures, they worked for that you took!
Julia (as Madam Ursula Claudelle): I paid handsomely for all those things. And you said-- you can't take things from my collection. It is lovingly curated, and I did pay for it. I cannot be parted with it.
Amanda (as Dr. Bertha Bones): Sorry. People want it back.
Brandon (as Jet Byrne): Instead of talking, would you prefer a kiss?
Brandon: I'm trying to shut her up.
Julia: Okay. Do you kiss this woman?
Brandon: I'm asking.
Julia: She like looks at you been like-
Julia (as Madam Ursula Claudelle): Well, I haven't been kissed in near a century.
Amanda (as Dr. Bertha Bones): Jet, she could have some kind of different tongue. You got to be careful.
Eric (as Chef): She has two tongues in there.
Brandon (as Jet Byrne): I need you to just get the artifacts, so this kiss can be short.
Julia: Brandon, roll me 3 Feelings, 3 feelings.
Eric: You're always prepared to kiss.
Brandon: An expert.
Julia: Those lips are ready to go and you are an expert.
Eric: Do you want help? Can I help you?
Julia: How, explain it to me.
Amanda: You tilt her forward under like-
Eric: Yeah, I'm gonna hold both of you lovingly to get you in the proper position.
Brandon: No, it's okay. I got 3 successes and 1 Laser Feelings.
Eric: Nice.
Julia: Great. I'm going to address the success first and then you can Laser Feelings, okay?
Brandon: Cool.
Julia: I had a whole fight prepared. [giggles] Madam Claudelle, you kiss her. And she, like a woman in a regency romance novel, straight up just faints, you know?
Brandon: That's what happens, you know?
Julia: And you see just her like, frail body flopped to one side on the very erect spider legs.
Brandon: I am sort of like dipping her you know?
Julia: Yes. And she like sighs contentedly and then passes out.
Eric: What I love so much is that like there's so there's four spider legs on the ground. There's two spider legs that are still out in a hug position. The body is just slumped over. Incredible.
Julia: Alright. Brandon, do you want to ask your Laser Feelings?
Brandon: Yeah, what's the most direct way to get out of here once we get this artifact?
Amanda: Smart.
Julia: There is probably some sort of control room or panel that controls the hedge maze because you saw her be able to manipulate it on a whim.
Brandon: Okay. I'm going to relay that information to our engineer and hopefully, our engineer can go find that.
Eric: I figure it's in the– it's in the vault. So let's pop the vault open and then we'll see what's let's see what's going on.
Julia: Alright. So you hold the turquoise necklace up to the scanner on the vault, right?
Amanda: Yes.
Julia: You see that the scanner beeps a flash of light over it like a true scanner. And you see that on the screen it says-
Julia (as AI Security Lock): Turquoise identified. Welcome back, Madam Claudelle.
Julia: And the large door rolls open and it is pitch black inside the vault. And for a moment, you kind of just stare into the darkness and then you see two red robotic eyes light up and you hear rolling like a boulder. What rolls out of the vault is a droid. Think of like, a gigantic BB8 from Star Wars.
Brandon: That's exactly what I was thinking of.
Julia: Like a huge rolling body with a little head on top. And the droid's eyes are still glowing as it rolls to a stop in front of you. And when it stops out pop these six mechanical limbs that kind of act as both arms and legs as it kind of positions itself in front of you. It swivels its head to look down at the three of you and you hear it say-
Julia (as DRUM:BOT): HELLO I am Designated Rhythm Unit Model: Beat Operating Technology. You may call me DRUM:BOT. Are you here to return me to the ROCK?
Amanda (as Dr. Bertha Bones): Hi, DRUM:BOT, do you want to go home?
Julia (as DRUM:BOT): I would love to go home. Madame Claude l was not a big fan of rock and roll. She was however, a big fan of bluegrass--
Eric: FUCK!
Julia (as DRUM:BOT) --which I am not proficient in. She would be better off acquiring the Bionic Automaton Necessitating Jaunty Opuses.
Amanda (as Dr. Bertha Bones): BANJO is much better, it's much more her speed.
Julia (as DRUM:BOT): Much more her speed. But you are here to return me to ROCK.
Eric: Fuck!
Amanda (as Dr. Bertha Bones): Yes, friend. Let's roll onward shall we?
Eric: 'Cause it rolls, it rolls! Get it?
Amanda: Very good.
Eric: Yeah, I'm glad you kept that one in a vault, Julia. Just crack that one open. Oh, Jesus Christ.
Eric (as Chef): Hey, I don't know. Listen, I know lots of things about droids but it still looks like rock and roll to me. Rockin’ robot. Do you know-
Eric: That was my Billy Joel reference for the episode.
Amanda: Thank you.
Eric (as Chef): Do you know where the panel would for us to turn of the hedge maze?
Julia (as DRUM:BOT): Yes, it would be located in Madame Claudelle's room. I've only seen it once. Because when she discovered that I cannot play bluegrass, she banished me to the vault.
Eric (as Chef): [moans disgustedly] Jet, do you want to go in there? I don't want to go in there. I don't want to see where the magic happens.
Brandon (as Jet Byrne): Sure. I'll go boldly.
Brandon: And you see me sort of like, like takes too long of strides. So it looks like a really awkward run, up to her room.
Amanda: Like you're trying to step over a big curb puddle.
Brandon: Yeah, exactly.
Julia: Like an ostrich in flight.
Brandon: Yeah.
Eric: I’m gonna come with you. I just didn't want to go to her room alone.
Amanda: In the meantime, DRUM:BOT and I can gather up all the rest of these antiquities and take it back where they belong.
Eric: Sounds good.
Julia (as DRUM:BOT): I would be happy to, I have a large storage unit.
Amanda (as Dr. Bertha Bones): Amazing. Let's do it.
Julia (as DRUM:BOT): It might however, when I roll, jumble around a bit.
Amanda (as Dr. Bertha Bones): That's okay. I have a lot of gauze just in all my pockets.
Julia: Excellent. Excellent. So Jet and Chef, you go to Madame Claudelle's room. It is like very old lady feeling. It's a lot of carpet, a lot of heavy drapes. She has a four-poster bed that is like the size of a small swimming pool. And you see like in the corner is what looks like a makeup table, but also has a lot of like buttons on it.
Eric: Cool. Okay.
Brandon: Let's go over there. And I'm going to say supportive things as engineer tries to turn off this panel.
Julia: Tell me some of those supportive things, please, Brandon.
Brandon (as Jet Byrne): You can do it. You are so smart. You and Barb are a wonderful couple and Barb believes in you!
Julia (as Barb): I do believe in you.
Eric (as Chef): This feels worse, Barb. Please continue hacking the spider thorax. You could-- you can just root around in her sock drawer or whatever you like to do and ladies rooms.
Brandon (as Jet Byrne): I am not a pervert sir. I don't know why you think I am.
Eric (as Chef): I'm sure she has like thousands and thousands of lost New Mexican space, lost New Mexican money. I it sounded rude when I said it like that but you should root around into a sock drawer.
Brandon: I did get a five so you do have help.
Julia: Yey!
Eric: Hell yeah. Yeah, if I'm doing I'm doing this without Barb. So I'm gonna take I think it's 2 + 1.
Julia: Yes.
Eric: But I'll do– I'll do Lasers.
Julia: Sounds good.
Eric: Oh shit. I rolled a 4, 6, and a 6. So 1 Lasers Feelings but only 1 success.
Julia: Okay, ask your Lasers Feelings question.
Eric: Yeah. Is there are there valuables in here we can steal?
Julia: Oh, hell yeah. This is a rich lady's house.
Eric: Hell, yeah. So we're good. So definitely– I definitely look around in her sock drawer. I'm sure there's some like, that's where the weird shit is.
Julia: Do you want to root around in there?
Brandon: No, I am. I am not a thief. I have my honor. But I am also not the boss of any of these people so they can do whatever the fuck they want.
Julia: That's fair.
Eric: That’s fair. I'm only going to I'm going to trepidatiously like open one drawer and just stick my hand in and grab what's in there. And I'm like, I don't want to look. I don't want to look at anything else. I don't want to look at it.
Julia: It's like a really well-made pot, like a pottery thing.
Eric: Weird. Alright.
Julia: Cause New Mexico.
Eric: Yeah, no.
Eric (as Chef): Wow, this is a pot. And I look inside, there are sunflower seeds from the ancient, ancient game team of the Diamondbacks.
Julia: It's a good one. It's a good one.
Eric: Thank you.
Julia: Oh, yeah. So you managed to shut off the hedges. Because you only rolled 1 success there is like, you could only shut them off. So it's like, the most like, difficult way to get back. Like it's really like a circuitous.
Eric: Okay.
Julia: So they won't move on you anymore and they're not going to be like a problem. Like if you decide to burn through them. They're just not gonna be ones to replace them.
Eric: Yeah.
Amanda: They’re like paused.
Julia: Yeah. It's in like stasis mode.
Eric: Yeah, I think let's just get the out of here. Use a flame thrower. And then like, at the medium point, I can swap Barb away from hacking her and bringing the ship in for a hot exit.
Amanda: Exactly.
Julia: Barb recommends, she'd be like-
Julia (as Barb): We need to collect our son, the narwhal. So that should be the pick up point.
Eric (as Chef): That sounds great. I guess we have a son now. I'm glad we definitely talked about it. And it wasn't in the heat of the moment where I changed from Lasers to Feelings. That's fine.
Julia (as Barb): I feel like you're being passive aggressive with me.
Brandon (as Jet Byrne): You should read my upcoming book all about communication.
Eric (as Chef): What's the book called?
Brandon (as Jet Byrne): It's called Seven Tentacles and Seven Hearts: How to communicate effectively with your partner. Volume VII.
Julia: I like that. It's not anything like vocal cords. It's hearts and tentacles.
Eric: Hell yeah. Yeah. Let's get the fuck out of here.
Julia: Alright. So you get a fast exit, you board your ship with DRUM:BOT and you take flight, back to The Federation of Free Lancers (and a mountain of paperwork), reassured that you have once again left the universe a little better than you found it. And I’d call that, a job well done.
[CHEERS and CLAPPING]
Brandon: I'm clapping for Julia.
Amanda: Baby king, clap, clap clap.
Julia: Mmm, baby king.
Eric: Julia, is there a post-credit scene where I'm working on Barb? And then we zoom in on the pot and then inside the pot where we move the sunflower seeds out of the way? There is a map to lost New Mexico?
Julia: Yes, she's been hiding it this whole time and that's what we'll pick up next time.
[cheers]
Eric: Foxtrot and the Legend of Old New Mexico.
[cheers]
Julia: Insert like some nice like cool western music here. DRUM:BOT goes-
Julia (as DRUM:BOT): I will recruit my friend, BANJO.
[cheers]
Brandon: Thank you, DM Julia.
Julia: Thank you, guys. I'm glad you enjoyed the game.
Brandon: It was wonderful, I had so many Lasers and so many Feelings.
Eric: No dammit. Okay, I'm gonna say it again like Brandon didn’t just say that-- I have so many Lasers and so many Feelings.
Julia: We all had many Lasers and many Feelings.
Eric: Amanda, can you just have Dr. Bertha Bones take us out?
Amanda: As the ship is pulling out of the atmosphere of the moon and heading back. You see that Bertha just puts one hand on the glass, a single tear rolls down her cheek. She says-
Amanda (as Dr. Bertha Bones): She had six limbs but no heart and that's not a– that's not a fusion dish that I want to partake in.
Julia: And we close on the empty void of space.
[space music]
Eric: I appreciated there were multiple after credits so yeah.
Julia: That's fine, I'm cool with that.
Amanda: Like a Marvel movie then Nick Fury is there!
Julia: Yeah!
Amanda: Under the eyepatch is turquoise.
Julia: Foxtrot Squad will return in the next time I do this fucking episode.
Amanda: Captain America V: The Summer Solstice.
Eric: Nick Fury takes his eyepatch off as a tentacle in there.
Amanda: Ahhh!
Transcriptionist: KM