Okay, where was I? Oh that’s right, the Grand Bachelorette Tournament. I know what you’re thinking, you watched the reruns already. But you don’t know the whole story.

A few weeks after the Bone Whale is destroyed, the party returns to Fidapolis, but Alonzo is nowhere to be found. They’re ready to give up, but then they see a column of flame burst on the horizon. The speaker calls the party together and sends them to Tortipolis, the city underground. Alonzo HAS to be there.

Far outside Fidapolis, the party arrives at a deep maw in the ground, surrounded by a perfect circle of ash. They jump down, landing in a coliseum of screaming fans with a disembodied voice announcing the start of a grand battle.

Tracey, Johnny and Inara slowly realize they’ve unwittingly joined a reality show called the Bachelorette Tournament, a show broadcast throughout the realm. They are thrown into a competition for the heart of Representative Brink, a powerful and beautiful woman. In a house of gold run by people of mud, the party finds new friends, new enemies, and a trio of doppelgangers: an elf woman named Autumn, a bald preacher named Alice, and a warforged named P-0-R-0. But no one has seen Alonzo.

Tracey tries to hack his way out of the mansion. He fails, but the TV producers offer him a deal: they have information on his past - all he has to do is play along. He also finds help from two halflings disguised as a wealthy benefactor, who turn out to be from the Redthroat Gang. They want Tracey to throw the competition by helping Chad, an ooze who’s convinced he’s human, to win. Johnny finds an ally in local artist and celebrity Noto Oto, and Autumn reveals to Inara that she too is in the assassin’s guild.

But their benefactors can’t help them once they’re dropped into the colosseum where a literal nightmare - a snarling, flying horse demon - awaits. Autumn prevails, and the party survives the fight and the elimination ceremony later that night. Alice is eliminated and nearly pulled down through a portal that opens in the floor. Johnny holds the portal open to save her, and in the commotion, a magic arrow flies through the hole.

In the chaos, the party regroups to strategize. Inara finds a tunnel in their bathroom that leads to a dusty attic filled with papers from something called the Council of Bright, who have been running tournaments like this for a long time. They also find a massive cave, complete with a mine cart that sends them plunging through the cave, ending at a heavy bolted door. Tracey pries it open and steps into an abandoned workroom, complete with nine warforged skeletons that all look like him.

Inside, Inara cracks open a locked chest and finds a pitcher that can magically conjure holy water. Fellow contestant P0R0 bursts in, but they’re not a warforged at all - but a gnome named Salmon that stole one of the warforged exo-suits. As they talk, they’re discovered by the mud people producers before they can learn who made all these suits, and they’re thrust back into the coliseum for a final showdown.

Representative Brink tries to help but she can’t make the mud people stand down. Inara finds a secret compartment hiding a vial of swirling magic mud in Brink’s boots, and when she smashes it, the coliseum floor falls away, leaving the party in a swampy basement with strange stalactites hanging from the ceiling. But that’s not mud - it’s the petrified bodies of the eliminated contestants - AND ALONZO!

The mud people fight the party in the name of the Council of Bright and the mysterious announcer. With some quick thinking and powerful magic, the party defeats the mud and hauls all of contestants to safety back inside of the mansion. Everyone wakes up, confused and healthy, except Alonzo, who can now control the mud people. His medallion swirls with the same glittering light that was in the vial. The adventures try to talk him down but cannot get him off of high alert. So Johnny turns to drastic measures with a charm spell, momentarily keeping Alonzo calm.

The mansion is disintegrating under their feet, so Johnny calls for help from Noto Oto. She brings all the contestants into her artist colony. Representative Brink organizes a press conference for a mob of reporters wondering what happened when the TV show cut off. Mostly they want to know: who won? Representative Brink looks at Inara and asks for her hand in marriage. And Inara’s answer is… asking Johnny to drop a flashbang and running away from the press conference.

Woof, these stories are getting wilder and wilder. Sleep well, my little tournament champions. We’ll find out what happens to our friends another night.