Enjoy this Campaign 3 one shot from the Rolling Bones tour at the City Winery in Philadelphia! We were surrounded by barrels, so the energy was up.
If you want to see and hear the rest of the Rolling Bones live shows, check out the VODs HERE!
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- website: https://jointhepartypod.com
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Cast & Crew
- Game Master, Co-Producer: Eric Silver
- Co-Host (Umbi), Co-Producer, Sound Designer, Composer: Brandon Grugle
- Co-Host (Chamomile Cassis), Co-Producer: Julia Schifini
- Co-Host (Troy Riptide), Co-Producer: Amanda McLoughlin
- Theme Song: Lyrics by Eric Silver, music by Brandon Grugle. Vocals by Brandon Grugle, Lauren Shippen, Julia Schifini, Roux Bedrosian, Eric Silver, Tyler Silver, and Amanda McLoughlin. Available for purchase here.
- Artwork: Allyson Wakeman
- Multitude: https://multitude.productions
About Us
Join the Party is an actual play podcast with tangible worlds, genre-pushing storytelling, and collaborators who make each other laugh each week. We welcome everyone to the table, from longtime players to folks who’ve never touched a roleplaying game before. Hop into our current campaign, a pirate story set in a world of plant- and bug-folk, or marathon our completed stories with the Camp-Paign, a MOTW game set in a weird summer camp, Campaign 2 for a modern superhero game, and Campaign 1 for a high fantasy story. And once a month we release the Afterparty, where we answer your questions about the show and how we play the game. New episodes every Tuesday.
Transcript
Amanda: Creaak. What's— what's that? Is that the noise of me and Eric on a boat tour of some far-flung city in Northern Norway? Oh, I think it is, folks, because we are on our honeymoon. Not like—not like all of us at Join the Party, just— just Eric and me. But our co-hosts were kind enough to give us some time off, and so we are bringing you one of— I'm just gonna say it, my very favorite segments from tour. Okay? This is a Campaign Three One Shot, where we play your favorites, Umbi, Cammie, and Troy, live from Philadelphia. Now, we're only releasing one, maybe only just the one, but certainly, only a couple segments from The Rolling Bones Tour on this public RSS feed. This was one of two Campaign Three One Shots that we did on the road and we are bringing it to you this week hot and fresh with Brandon Grugle's own audio mixing, real microphones, the real shit here for you. So we hope you enjoy, and that if you were in the audience, you're able to relive the excitement. And if you were not in the audience, you get to enjoy Campaign Three One Shot right now in Campaign Three. It's so much fun. And listen, remember if you want to watch the high-quality video of this performance, along with the Spirits live show that happened that night in Philadelphia and also, by the way, extra stuff that is neither Join the Party nor Spirits live but excellent high-quality content brought to you by Eric Silver, best DM in podcasting. You can go ahead and purchase the video on demand versions, the replay videos of the live shows at jointhepartypod.com/live. You're never gonna see that content anywhere else. If you want to enjoy it and see what the heck had us all laughing and doubled over in tears, you gotta go ahead and check out the VODs, jointhepartypod.com/live.
[theme]
Eric: Welcome back, we're Join the Party!
[crowd cheers]
Eric: I love this. I'm seeing a lot of people got food, too, so I'm just like, "Let's tuck into some food when I describe a weird plant personnel something wrong with them."
Brandon: The first NPC is that pizza right there.
Amanda: Love it.
Eric: You look— you looked at— oh, see, look, I'm going to show you. This is from earlier in the show. I talked about the short story of the Alchemist by HP Lovecraft. Amanda, can you read the— this— this right here?
Amanda: The wizard's son, Charles Le Sorcerer.
Julia: Jesus.
Amanda: It's— I mean, it's kind of Le Sorcier if you want to say it real French. So for any trans folks in the room, I just want to put that out there as a consideration, just consider Charles Le Sorcier.
Eric: Yeah. If anyone wants— if anyone wants the name Chuck Wizard, it's out there for you.
Amanda: It's option— it's an option for you.
Eric: Absolutely. I'm so happy to be here. This is wonderful. We love being here in Philadelphia again. Pax Unplugged is here, so like the dicer in the waterfall. And—
Amanda: Oh, yeah.
Brandon: Do not— don't drink the dice in the water.
Eric: So watch out.
Amanda: Brandon, how else do I become one with Gritty?
Brandon: Oh, that's a good point, that's a good point.
Julia: Gritty made of dice?
Amanda: Gritty, I think made it the chaos agent behind it.
Julia: Ah.
Eric: That's true.
Amanda: That's my— that's my thought.
Julia: Love that for Gritty.
Eric: I'm now envisioning Gritty, like, sitting on dice like a big chicken.
Julia: Aw.
Eric: Is that a thing? Yeah, that would be— that would be close up.
Brandon: Gotta keep those dice warm.
Julia: That's cute.
Amanda: Yeah, yeah.
Eric: That'd be cool. Sure.
Brandon: What the fuck do you think Gritty, like, hatches?
Julia: Other Grittys.
Amanda: Other Grittys.
Brandon: But, like, fully formed Grittys?
Amanda: Yes.
Brandon: Cool.
Julia: Yeah, like Athena coming out of Zeus' forehead.
Amanda: That's the one.
Brandon: Oh, I don't— who is Athena? I don't—
Julia: You fucking asshole.
Eric: I don't know who that is. Like, hey, folks, you guys want to play some Durblins and Durblins?
Brandon: I do.
Amanda: Yes, please.
Eric: Incredible. Philly, I'm so happy to be here. We're so happy to do this. I said that again, because that's how much— how happy I am to be here and for us to do this. We are going to— we have done One Shots from all over our various campaigns here in Join the Party. And we are so happy that we get to return to the Great Salt Sea because we're doing Campaign Three stuff here today.
[crowd cheers]
Amanda: Look up at the sky, wonderful blue lighting. Ooh, I feel like I'm on the— on the sea already.
Brandon: And we're gonna do a live rendition of the theme song right now!
Eric: No.
Julia: We're missing so many people.
Brandon: I’m gonna play piano.
Eric: Yeah, Bran—
Amanda: We have— one of our vocalists is here working merch.
Brandon: That's true.
Eric: Yeah, we could do that.
Amanda: We could, we could.
Julia: Brandon, it would be extremely cool if you just started playing piano right now.
Brandon: I wouldn't— no, Julia.
Eric: If you brought out a full band, I'd be like, "Damn, Brandon, it was all worth it."
Brandon: I could not even tell you what key that theme song is in as of right now,
Amanda: But, guys, while we're here in person, can we get a round of applause for that theme song? I mean, come on.
Eric: Yeah. various
Amanda: Eric's lyrics, Brandon's writing. We have various musicians.
Brandon: These two— these three vocals.
Amanda: We have Julia, Roux on vocals.
Brandon: Roux back there.
Amanda: Mwa. So good.
Eric: It was— it was a lot of fun. I got to go. Hiyah!
Amanda: Yeah, yeah. When you hear those Hiyahs, that's me, and Eric, and his brother.
Eric: Yeah, it was incredible. I— I do feel like I'm missing something, though. I know we want to get into it, we want to do it.
Julia: Tell me, what do you mean?
Eric: Oh, just ho— hold on.
Brandon: What's— what's going on, bud? Just the glove?
Julia: You have to find it—
Eric: Philly, my glove to me!
Julia: Ahhhh!
Brandon: Did you just pull that out of your fucking sleeve?
Julia: You just summoned it like a hawk.
Brandon: Oh, man.
Julia: Wow.
Amanda: Absolutely incredible.
Brandon: How dirty is—
Julia: Wow.
Brandon: —that glove after six shows, Eric?
Eric: It's— smells weird. Incredible.
Brandon: That just— that just adds to the flavor.
Eric: That's— it's— it's good. It's good.
Amanda: So good.
Julia: The flavor? Oh god.
Brandon: Yeah, when you lick it.
Amanda: So good.
Eric: Folks, because we're doing Campaign Three here, I would love to introduce my lovely characters here, Amanda McLoughlin— oh, well, first, hello, I'm Eric Silver. I'm the best DM in podcasting. Hello, it's so nice to see you. I have my glove. I feel like I'm at full power. Amanda McLoughlin, who are you playing here today?
Amanda (as Troy): Hey, what's up? The name is Troy Riptide. A lot of people want to kiss me, I do not like to kiss. Exiled Prince, pretty good shooter. Sometimes it does not go well, but most importantly, I am now a father to my sweet little pumpy. And perhaps, before that my biggest accomplishment, I did learn how to read.
Brandon: Precisely one book.
Eric: Yeah.
Julia: One book.
Eric: That's more—
Amanda: Yeah.
Eric: That's more than zero book, Brandon.
Brandon: How is Troy feeling about being surrounded by all of these barrels?
Amanda (as Troy): I have proficiency in every check I ever do.
Brandon: Great. Love it.
Amanda (as Troy): Right here on the bottom of my little page what I have read, it does say in fact proficiencies barrels.
Eric: That's your proficiency in barrels, not around barrels?
Amanda (as Troy): Yeah. Well, I'm in a barrel right now.
Julia: Agree to disagree.
Amanda (as Troy): What— what is a building if not a barrel you are inside?
Eric: I can't believe I'm arguing with a fictional version of you. This is crazy. Brandon Gru— Brandon James Grugle, who are you playing here today?
Brandon: It's me. I'm playing—
Julia: That's not your voice.
Brandon: Wha— what? It's me, Umbi.
Julia: That’s not your voice.
Eric: Like, Super Mario.
Brandon: Let’s a-go! I am playing Umbi.
Eric: Yeah.
Amanda: Nice.
Brandon: Umbi is a pawpaw fruit who throws bombs and has a little parrot that is also a pear. Look at this little guy.
Amanda: Shout out Jess, thank you so much.
Brandon: So nice.
Eric: Jess, you're so talented.
Amanda: So beautiful. So beautiful.
Brandon: Name is Bartlett.
Eric: We have these lovely, crocheted things that you've made all of us. It's absolutely incredible.
Amanda: My pumppy was napping, so he is backstage.
Eric: Yes.
Julia: True.
Eric: Julia James Schifini, who are you playing here tonight?
Brandon: Wait, what?
Julia: Yeah, that's my middle name. It's also a Pinot Noir that you can buy in stores.
Eric: Oh.
Amanda: Julia James?
Julia: Much like the Pinot Noir that is for sale, that is our tour Pinot Noir.
Amanda: Hey.
Eric: Hey, what a plug. Yeah, incredible.
Julia (as Cammie): I'm Cammie.
Eric: Hi, Cammie.
Julia (as Cammie): Avast Ye.
Eric: Avast Ye.
Brandon (as Umbi): Avast.
Julia (as Cammie): I'm a witch and I’m made of tea.
Eric: Cool.
Julia (as Cammie): Yeah.
Eric: I like that you are here.
Julia (as Cammie): Yeah, me too.
Eric: Nice.
Julia (as Cammie): It's really nice.
Eric: Ga— I'm talking to imaginary objects again.
Julia (as Cammie): Yeah.
Eric: Goddammit. Let's get into— let's get into One Shot, let's— let's say. We've been talking about this a lot, like what each of our campaigns are. I feel like the first campaign was like a fantasy story. And the second one was obviously like a comic book, was a comic book. And, like, we've decided that this campaign is like a JRPG.
Julia: Uh-hmm. Uh-hmm.
Eric: Like, if it's like Final Fantasy VII Remake and Rebirth, and like— we're just like— and we're doing battles, we’re having turn-based combat, there's a lot going on. So I feel like this is DLC you can buy as long as you are over a certain level. Like, you wanna invest in it, you gotta give Konami $20, and it's— we'll see if it's worth it. We'll see.
Julia: Uh-hmm.
Brandon: Do we have to pay you to play this game?
Eric: Money, please.
Julia: Damn.
Eric: Money. Okay, you can pay me after the show, that's fine.
Julia: Okay.
Brandon: I got a zero, so no monies today.
Eric: No mo— zero— zero monies. It is a beautiful, warm day on top of the Great Salt Sea. You all decided to sleep out on the deck because you were having movie night.
Brandon (as Umbi): My back!
Julia (as Cammie): Aw.
Eric: What is— what is movie night? What are you doing for movie night?
Julia (as Cammie): We look at the constellations, and we tell stories, and those are movies.
Brandon: We like to shadow puppets on the sails, too.
Julia: Adorable.
Brandon: Oh, that's cute.
Amanda: Yeah. Umbi keep saying about how our whole planet is shaped like if you took a ball but sat on it. And then it is —it is turning very slowly, which is why the stars in fact do move. I think he is lying to me, but I pretend because it's nice to spend time together with my crew.
Julia (as Cammie): Well, when you think about it, the Great Salt Sea is the butt cheek.
Brandon (as Umbi): I didn't say that part.
Julia (as Cammie): I said it.
Eric: Au— Orello says—
Eric (as Havana): Wow, there's so much to think about.
Brandon (as Umbi): Oh, shit, Orello, where did—
Eric (as Havana): I've been here— I slept next to each other. I was telling a story, but you were talking about crackers while I was speaking. This is good. Where are we? It's seems like the ship has blown us out to— it seems like we've been blown out to sea or not out to sea, I guess, around you.
Julia: Eric, just really quick, is this Orello or is this Havana Tropicana?
Eric: Oh, sorry. This is— this is our sweet boy Havana.
Julia: Because I was like, where does this
Eric: I'm sorry, I don’t know why-- I'm like Orello— Orello was like—
Eric (as Orello): And I was there, sleeping in your bed the whole time.
Eric: No, this is Havana. Havana was there, sweet, sweet guy.
Julia: Uh-huh. Uh-huh. My sweet boy Havana Tropicana.
Brandon: When he— when he changed from a regular Havana to sexy Havana, he really lost his way. He was confused about his identity.
Eric: Yes. When he became a cool, steamy doctor, he forgot— he forgot about it, I'm so sorry. But yes, you seem like you've been blown out to sea because no one was manning the——manning the sails because of movie night, right?
Amanda: Hmm.
Eric: And now, you are surrounded by a coliseum made out of bright pink coral. It is surrounding you on all sides. It is like— it is very large, you're right in the middle. The water is just kind of like floating your— it is totally still, but there is movement happening from the applause of everyone in the coliseum.
[crowd cheers]
Brandon (as Umbi): Is that for Umbi?
Eric: Yeah. Can— why don't you guys make perception checks?
Julia: Yeah.
Amanda: Oh, hell yeah.
Julia: Yeah.
Eric: Yeah, all of you make perception checks.
Julia: Don't worry about it.
Amanda: Ooh, Eric, what's that number right there?
Eric: Well, that's a Natural 20.
Brandon: Yeah.
Eric: Well, this is perfect. Audience, I need you— can you guys do an applause but like, you have weird amounts of coral sticking out of your body in every sort of direction? Like out of your eyes and your hands and your bodies and stuff. Alright, let's try that applause 1, 2, 3.
[crowd cheers]
Amanda: It's really good.
Julia: You guys are weirdos. I love it.
Amanda: That's really good, guys.
Eric: So many of you tried so hard, and each of you uniquely in your own way.
Amanda: Beautiful.
Eric: Listener, I hope you're doing that at yourself, because you're doing it a different way than every single person in the audience.
Amanda: Yes.
Eric: That was awesome.
Amanda: Extraordinary.
Eric: You have Natural 20. Troy, you look around in the audience, you see various types of Greenfolk, like all across the four different types. There's some plant pe— there's plant people, definitely some fruits and veg— fruits and veggies, flowers, various other greenery, but all of them have coral growing out of them in various places. Again, out of noses, at any sort of orifices, and also like out of their stom— out of their stomachs and their hands. I told you people eating, I was gonna describe a weird guy.
Amanda (as Troy): Uh, guys, I'm— I don't really love to think about the last time we were at a coliseum and it did fall down when we left. But I— I'm seeing a lot of people in there that, like, I think maybe don't want to have coral growing out of every, like, corner and also side.
Brandon (as Umbi): Or do they— are they super into it? I don't know.
Julia (as Cammie): Are they cursed?
Amanda (as Troy): I don't know. I—
Brandon (as Umbi): Maybe.
Amanda (as Troy): It feels like a thing where I go, "Cammie, I'm scared." And then Cammie would check it out and be like, "That's weird magic."
Brandon (as Umbi): Have you noticed that we're in a coliseum that's completely enclosed, and I don't know how we got in here?
Julia (as Cammie): We were really engrossed in that star movie we were watching.
Amanda: Oh, yeah.
Julia: Can I— DM, can I roll an arcana check?
Eric: Fast and far away star is ace, fade for fa—
Julia: No, that worked.
Eric: Far away and—
Brandon: No one say anything.
Eric: Far away and Furious.
Amanda: Perfect.
Eric: Stars.
Amanda: Love it.
Julia: Alright. I'm gonna roll arcana check, is that okay?
Eric: Fambily. Yeah, go ahead.
Julia: Okay. It's gonna be a 14 plus 8 for a 22.
Eric: 22. Okay, Arcana check, I'll give it to you. No, they're not cursed. This is— this is, quote-unquote, “natural”, I would say. There isn't like bad vibes emanating off of this thing. And of course, everyone looks incredibly happy. Like, they are stoked to be there. No one's like, "Boo, I hate that I'm here. My dad took me to a Phillies game and I hate it. And I hate him because of our strained relationship." Like, no one needs— everyone is super stoked to be there and not even in a weird, like, painted on smiles sort of way. This isn't like— yeah, this isn't like—
Brandon: True gladiator shit.
Eric: Magical joker gas or whatever.
Julia: The vibe is good.
Brandon: Hey, Eric, why does Julia have a plus 8 to an arcana?
Eric: Well, it's— that's a really good question, my friends, because you to—look down and you— you touch, it's— it's a little hard for you to get off of the deck of this ship. There are—
Amanda: Umbi, did I get old also?
Brandon: He's just—he—
Eric: Umbi, did your old get on him— on Troy?
Julia: Oh, wait.
Brandon: You look over, he's just a skeleton on the deck.
Amanda: What happened?
Julia: Gang, we did— we did forget to have Umbi roll to see if he died in his sleep real quick.
Amanda: Oh, yeah. Brandon, real quick, would you roll a D 100?
Eric: You die in your sleep. Yeah, we're gonna roll a D 100 to see if Umbi died in his sleep. If he gets a 1—
Amanda: That would be great.
Eric: —it's all over for Umbi and you saw him die.
Brandon: It's a 0.
Julia: 35. No, it's a 35.
Eric: 35, okay. Umbi didn't die in his sleep. Perfect, perfect.
Amanda: 35, we're good.
Eric: You're trying to get up, it's a little bit harder because you have— you have coral neck— you have coral on, a coral collar, if you will. They are— they're heavy, they're biting— they are biting into your skin and you feel good. You feel empowered because my—
Brandon (as Umbi): I feel so great.
Julia (as Cammie): Ow, but also yay.
Amanda: Yeah.
Eric: It's weird when you say that, I'm like, "Oh."
Julia: It hurts, but I like it.
Brandon: Cammie— Cammie knows what she's about.
Eric: It's good to know because our player characters for this One Shot are level 15.
Brandon: Yo.
Eric: For those who don't play Dungeons & Dragons, they are very powerful.
Julia: That's a high number.
Eric: We are chunky, chunky boys. Absolutely. And I think to give you some more information rising neck out of the— rising out of the sea next to your ship is a massive Coral Kraken. A giant— giant squid with—that is all made out of coral. It's blue and pink and orange. And, like, all these like holes going through it and going in all directions. And you see like four arms, but you also see that some of the arms are attached to the coliseum. Nay, they are the coliseum.
Julia: I think that Cammie looks at that giant Coral Kraken, and then holds up Nonny, and then goes—
Julia (as Cammie): Look at your relative.
Brandon: Baby.
Eric: And Nonny goes, "Prrrttt." And the Kraken goes, "Prrrttt."
Julia (as Cammie): Wow. You guys are communicating.
Amanda: Hey, that's really good.
Eric: It'd be like—
Eric (as Kraken): Challengers, you're here in the Coral Kraken Coliseum.
Eric: And the whole weird audience goes— weird claps and slaps that does their weird thing. Can you guys all clap?
Amanda: So good.
Eric: It's so funny.
Amanda: So good.
Eric: I love it so much.
Brandon: It gets better every time.
Eric: You all are trying so much. You're all theater kids here.
Brandon: Thank you. Thank you.
Amanda: So good.
Eric: I love it so much, so much.
Eric (as Kraken): If you achieve our challenges too, you can amuse us and maybe we will let you go.
Julia (as Cammie): It's— it's only two? Usually, it's three.
Eric (as Kraken): No. The rule of threes was ended, you see. We changed the rules of comedy when a town on the edge of the Crags fell into the Great Salt Sea, and I saved them, me, the great Coral Kraken.
Eric: And everyone's like—
Eric (as Everyone): Thanks, Coral Kraken.
Eric: And he's like—
Eric (as Kraken): You're welcome, everyone. I love you all individually.
Eric (as Everyone): Yay!
Brandon (as Umbi): This— this Kraken sounds tight.
Julia (as Cammie): Yeah. Was it the third town to fall into the sea?
Eric (as Kraken): No, it was the first. I changed the rules of comedy to make it more accommodating for everyone.
Julia (as Cammie): Okay.
Brandon (as Umbi): Accomedy-dating.
Eric (as Kraken): Accoral-dating.
Amanda: Damn.
Eric (as Kraken): Accoral-dating.
Amanda: Wow.
Eric (as Kraken): Don't worry, these corals won't hurt——these collars won't hurt you. It's only to beef you up because it would be cooler if you were more powerful.
Julia (as Cammie): Damn.
Brandon (as Umbi): Can I say? We landed this place. We got collars what made us even cooler and bigger and stronger.
Amanda: Yeah.
Brandon (as Umbi): And now we're in a stadium that promises to protect us. Can we just stay here?
Amanda: It sounds pretty good.
Eric (as Kraken): If you want to, you only you got to prove your mettle and all— one of you who we like the most will come out alive.
Brandon (as Umbi): Fuck you, guys. I'm doing it.
Julia (as Cammie): You're so close to death, though.
Brandon (as Umbi): I'm gonna live forever.
Julia (as Cammie): Damn.
Amanda (as Troy): Damn.
Eric (as Kraken): Alright. Do you accept our challenge? You can't really leave.
Brandon (as Umbi): Yes.
Amanda (as Troy): I guess?
Julia (as Cammie): I guess?
Eric: Incredible. This is Party in Judgment. Campaign Three, number two, the Coral Kraken's coral challenge. Let's fucking do this.
All: Woo!
Brandon: Everyone, clap like coral.
[crowd cheers]
Brandon: Truly incredible. I will never get tired of this.
Amanda: So good. So good.
Eric: Brandon, it's like you're hitting the button, that's like, "Give me one donut, please."
Brandon: One donut, please.
Eric: And you're like, "Bah, bah, bah, bah, bah."
Amanda: Yup.
Eric: Alright So here's how this works. Hello, it's me, Dungeon Master Eric.
Julia: Oh, hi, bruv.
Eric: I know I sound so much like the Coral Kraken.
Brandon (as Umbi): Hey, Eric.
Julia: Yeah, it's true.
Eric: I'm not talking to the imaginary people. I want my friends back.
Brandon (as Umbi): I know, you're talking to Umbi.
Eric: No! Ahhhh! These are what all of my nightmares lately. Alright. Here's what happened. So we're gonna have two scenarios. One is individual, they're each— each of you need to do one— the same thing on your own. You cannot work together. The second one is a group thing, it is a team activity. You need to do something that the Coral Kraken is going to tell you to do. However, there is the extra challenge here of your— one of you is going to be— get to declare the cool winner, and the Coral Kraken is gonna let you, like, live there, and like be cool, and like do all that stuff.
Amanda: Sure.
Julia (as Cammie): I think we should let Troy do it. It seems like he has a lot to live for now.
Brandon (as Umbi): What the fuck do you think I have to— what? What?
Julia (as Cammie): You've lived a long life.
Brandon (as Umbi): You think you just wanna— you want me to die?
Julia (as Cammie): Yeah.
Brandon (as Umbi): Okay, Cammie.
Eric: Incredible. Are you guys ready?
Brandon: Yes.
Julia: So ready.
Eric: Incredible.
Eric (as Kraken): The first challenge, jump through the ceremonial coral hoop.
Eric: And on a hoop, a very large hoop, like 10 by 10, that's attached to another piece of the Coral Kraken. Like, one of its giant tendrils— tendril legs are holding it up in the air 500 feet up.
Eric (as Kraken): All you have to do is jump through, style points because the audience likes it when you do cool flips.
Julia (as Cammie): Woo.
Eric (as Kraken): See, they like cool flips.
Julia (as Cammie): Alright.
Amanda (as Troy): Just real— real quick, it is very high up, is that— is that how it's supposed to be?
Eric (as Kraken): It is supposed to be, but there might be things in the coliseum that might help you.
Brandon: Umbi straps on his old man 1920s bathing suits, bathing costume with the long stripes. Real quick, before I do what I want to do, Eric, can I do I think I know you see if I know this coral monster?
Amanda: Ooh.
Eric: Do you know the coral monster?
Brandon: Yeah.
Eric: Alright. Yeah dude.
Julia: Gotta find if he knows the coral monster.
Brandon: Is it possible to know monster?
Eric: I think so. I think that this Kraken has been around for a long time.
Amanda: I'm sure— Brandon, I think Umbi has known monsters.
Eric: Okay.
Julia: Okay.
Eric: So that'll be— so Umbi is doing the roll, and if he rolls a 10, he knows the— he knows the coral monster.
Brandon: It's only a 7, so nothing happens. I'm sorry.
Eric: Oh, no, no, no.
Brandon: I would never lie to you, audience.
Eric: He looks like someone maybe you recognize, be like, "Nah, nah."
Brandon: Nah, nah, nah.
Eric: That was my barber.
Amanda: Hmm. Yeah. Okay.
Brandon: But real quick, what he's gonna do is take out a flask that looks like it's seen better days, flip the top, take a swig, go into, like, the perfect swan formation off the— what do you call the thing where you— walk the plank—
Eric: Of the plank, yeah.
Brandon: Yeah. Go to the plank, do a swan dive, and then you expect to hear a splash as his visage goes past the deck of the boat.
Eric: Okay.
Brandon: But then you see him fly the fuck up.
Eric: Oh!
Amanda: Oh!
Brandon: He just took a potion of flying, baby.
Eric: Of course.
Julia: Classic Umbi.
Eric: I should have taken your flask away.
Julia: Yeah.
Brandon: And he screams—
Brandon (as Umbi): I'm gonna live forever!
Amanda: That's good.
Julia: Cammie goes—
Julia (as Cammie): Not if I can help it.
Amanda: That's good.
Julia: And is going to grab the wheel of the ship.
Eric: Okay.
Julia: Which is actually her witch's broom.
Eric: What?
Amanda: Oh shit.
Eric: What? Excuse me.
Amanda: What?
Julia: So Cammie at higher levels get something that is called a coven spell ca— or no, not coven spell casting. It's called grand hexes, which are like really cool witch shit that she can do. Like, I can make a Baba Yaga house if I want to.
Amanda: Oh, damn.
Julia: I—
Eric: That's cool. I thought a grand hex was like when your grandma and grandpa separated and then, like, they don't—
Brandon (as Umbi): That's my Grand Ex.
Eric: Oh, grand exit.
Amanda: Oh.
Julia: Oh.
Eric: Oh.
Julia: It's different, it's different.
Brandon: Oh, is that not what you were going for?
Julia: I also have a thing called war hexes when the divorce is really messy.
Eric: Oh, goddamn.
Julia: But basically, it uses my action to enchanted mundane objects, in which case this is— the wheel is the ship.
Eric: Okay.
Julia: To fly for you, you gain a flying speed of 60 feet while holding this item as long as you aren't wearing medium or heavy armor or wearing a shield. So, uh—
Amanda: Hell yeah.
Eric: So you're— you're breaking off the wheel of the ship?
Julia: No, I'm not breaking it off, it slides off.
Amanda: You're borrowing it.
Eric: Oh. Of course, the modular wheelchair.
Julia: Yeah.
Eric: I'm gonna replace mine with a pop socket.
Julia: Uh-hmm.
Eric: And then it's gonna go [burbling noise] when I'm messing with the ship.
Julia: And— and Cammie sits crisscross applesauce on top of it and flies into the air after Umbi.
Eric: I don't know what to tell you.
Brandon: What does she say in the air?
Julia: She says—
Julia (as Cammie): Wee!
Brandon: Okay.
Eric: Incredible.
Amanda: That's good.
Eric: Yeah. Troy, what are you doing?
Amanda: Ah, man. Troy, I think, has no option except to bite the bullet, which is where he— he does expend a risk die to gain some temporary hit points. Because what he is going to do is plant his fists on his hips, stare down that coral hoop and yell—
Amanda (as Troy): Friendship!
Amanda: And the necklace he wears, shoots into a magical arrow with 300 feet of rope on it. So it's gonna get me a good two-thirds of the way up—
Eric: Okay.
Amanda: —and from there, he's just gonna jump, jump, jump, jump, jump.
Julia: He cou— he could always attaches to either Umbi or Cammie.
Eric: I will—
Brandon (as Umbi): Pin my ass!
Julia (as Cammie): You seem to like to do that.
Amanda: Great. No problem.
Brandon (as Umbi): Don't make it weird.
Julia: I will.
Amanda: Oh, good. Good, good, good. That's— that's only— that is dex—that's an 8 to hit on Umbi.
Eric: An 8?
Brandon: I have an armor class of 2, Eric, so—
Eric: Oh, that'll work, that'll work. Oh, yeah.
Amanda: Luckily, I have two tax per turn—
Eric: Yeah.
Amanda: —so I will try again. Okay. Alright. That's better, it's a 14.
Eric: You get 14.
Amanda: Yes. Yeah.
Julia: 14 hits.
Brandon: Plus something.
Julia: No.
Brandon: No?
Julia: The tie goes to the runner.
Brandon: Well, 14 is—
Eric: No, that's right, no.
Julia: Yeah.
Eric: 14— 14 is right.
Brandon: 14 hits anyway, so—
Eric: 14 is right.
Brandon: Yeah.
Eric: What's your AC?
Brandon: 14.
Eric: 14. Incre— alright. So the rules of damage is he—
Brandon: So he's just like, "Eh, eh, eh, eh, eh."
Julia: Brandon, can you— can you—
Brandon (as Umbi): Hit it, Troy!
Julia: Brandon, can you get up and actually show the audience that?
Brandon: No, I cannot.
Eric: No, he can't.
Amanda: It's not possible.
Eric: Brandon's not allowed to show his butt in Pennsylvania.
Brandon: It's too powerful.
Julia: They passed a law about that.
Brandon: They did.
Eric: Amanda, can you roll damage really quickly for me?
Amanda: Absolutely, yeah. It's gonna be—
Eric: That's true. I like that you used a trick— you used your trick shot.
Amanda: Oh, yeah.
Eric: So it, like, bounced off of the coral and then hit Umbi in the butt.
Amanda: Exactly.
Eric: Hell yeah.
Amanda: And Eric, that is a 10.
Eric: That's— that's a 10?
Amanda: 10.
Eric: The— was it half?
Amanda: Damage.
Eric: 10 damage?
Amanda: Uh-hmm.
Eric: Brandon, can you remove 10 damage from your character sheet?
Brandon: Yeah, yeah, I still have 83 hit points, it's fine.
Eric: Incredible.
Julia: Yeah. Yeah, yeah. It's nice.
Eric: Alright. So you're flying— you're—you're flying your way up. I would like Umbi to make a dexterity check and I would— as well as Cammie. I guess, Cammie, you're— you're— you're magically driving this thing, aren't you?
Julia: Yeah.
Eric: Okay. So arcana check. I want to see who gets there first. I will also want to say that Umbi is, of course, dragging Troy Riptide behind him in the saddest, most upsetting waterski thing I've ever seen in my life.
Brandon: To you.
Eric: Yeah, it's— I— I'm the one saying yes to me.
Julia: Eric, I rolled a 25.
Eric: A 25?
Amanda: Nice.
Julia: Yeah, that's probably pretty good, right?
Brandon: I did not. I rolled a 14.
Eric: A 14. A 25 minus 14, that's 11. That's a difference of 11. Cammie, how would you like to go get through the co— the coral hoop?
Julia: Cammie is like riding this like Goku in Dragon Ball Z where he has that little, like, cloud for the—
Eric: Yeah.
Julia: My anime friends out there.
Eric: And Julia, I'll tell you, they're out there.
Julia: Oh, I know. I know. And it's just like having a nice time, like sipping a cup of tea, Nonnie's on her shoulders, it's like—
Julia (as Cammie): Papadapadapada. What a beautiful day. I can't believe I met a giant Kraken. Crazy.
Eric (as Kraken): We like your confidence, but we like to see more panache. 7 points.
Julia: Wait, wait, Cammie does a little flip.
Eric (as Kraken): Okay, 8 points.
Julia (as Cammie): Thank you.
Eric (as Kraken): Neat.
Julia (as Cammie): Out of what?
Eric (as Kraken): Well, 10.
Julia: Okay, pretty good then.
Eric (as Kraken): That's not bad. We like your confidence, but again, more panache
Julia: Cammie candy blast into the— into the crowd.
Eric (as Kraken): It's too late now. We already gave you points.
Julia (as Cammie): Okay.
Eric (as Kraken): I already changed it one. I— here I am, the wise and terrible Coral Kraken.
Julia (as Cammie): Love you.
Eric (as Kraken): Love you— wait, I mean, bye.
Amanda (as Troy): It works every time.
Julia (as Cammie): It does.
Amanda (as Troy): Every time.
Julia (as Cammie): I always disarm people by telling them I love them when I first meet them.
Amanda (as Troy): Yeah.
Eric: True. True. Alright. Umbi, 14, you have—you have an arrow on your butt, it's inside of you. Troy is hanging out, he’s hanging off of you.
Brandon: Way to make it weird, Eric.
Eric: Where do you think arrows go when they're inside— well, how do you think arrows do?
Amanda: Well—
Julia: They go through you?
Eric: They go inside.
Julia: Well, maybe, through.
Eric: Not like sex stuff, but like, attack stuff. It's like— it's bad, that's why he lost hit points.
Brandon: It's a metaphor.
Julia: I will— will say Troy specified that he hit Umbi in the butt, so—
Amanda: Yes.
Brandon: Yeah.
Julia: —it feels like it should go inside.
Eric: Julia, that's gross. That person's eating. Only I'm the one allowed to say weird stuff on this podcast. Troy and Umbi, what do you do? How— tell me how's it going?
Brandon: I would love to throw up a smoke bomb and just like do a clou— cool cloud of smoke and be like, "Where did Umbi go?" And then like you know shoot out and maybe like— I don't know, 'cause I can fly, right? So like I can spell—
Eric: Yeah.
Brandon: I can, like, do negative space art where I take out the smoke and like—
Amanda: Oh.
Brandon: Thank you. Whoa.
Amanda: Yes.
Eric: Again— once again—
Brandon: Did we have audience all the time, Eric?
Eric: Yeah.
Amanda: Yeah, it's great.
Eric: Again, while you're pulling Troy Riptide behind you.
Brandon: Yeah.
Amanda: Yeah.
Brandon: And then I spell something, what do— what should we spell, Amanda?
Amanda: We should spell blam.
Brandon: Fuck yeah.
Julia: I agree.
Brandon: Yeah, so let's spell the word blame in the smoke.
Eric: Okay, great.
Julia: My— my favorite part of whenever you're doing a stealth thing with smoke is you yell, "Here's Umbi."
Eric: Umbi— Umbi is doing the thing where you yell smoke bomb and then throw a smoke bomb down.
Amanda: Yeah.
Eric: But, like, in the sky.
Brandon: There's another way to do it?
Eric: Yeah.
Amanda: During— as we're— as the smoke bomb is first coming out, but before we begin making our letters, Troy is going to pull on a lace on his back and unfurl his magnificent yellow and black wings, flapping them in effectually on account of he— they were cut, because he is a spare and not an heir, but they do look very beautiful.
Brandon: I'm sorry I have to get you a hat that says that, "The spare not the heir."
Eric: Yeah.
Amanda: I'm afraid to tell you that is like a phrase in like—
Brandon: Oh, fuck.
Amanda: —in like monarchies, but I will take the credit.
Eric: It is— Troy Ri—
Julia: It's a Game of Thrones thing, Brandon.
Amanda: That's why I didn't— Brandon, you see—
Brandon: I didn't wa— watch The Game of Thrones.
Julia: Yeah, forget about that.
Amanda: Prince— Prince Harry released a memoir called Spare.
Brandon: Yeah.
Amanda: About, like, sparing him from like his childhood trauma, but also because he is the spare and he's the heir.
Brandon: He certainly didn't make that up. That was his publicist, right? Yeah.
Eric: Isn't Troy Riptide so much more resonant when we didn't know what Kate Middleton was up to for three months?
Amanda: I know. I was just sad. I hope she's okay.
Eric: It— Troy, no one being able to see Troy Riptide for more than like a 100 feet close, sounds like a One Shot we did at Join the Party.
Julia: Yeah.
Amanda: We still can.
Eric: It'd be like, "Is that a—is that an imposter Troy Riptide? I don't know."
Amanda: Once that she makes a full recovery two to four years from now, after that time has passed then we can do that One Shot.
Eric: Yes, that's true. On—
Amanda: A tasteful amount of time.
Eric: On the flight from LA to Seattle, we learned that information and I'm like, "Man, I was gonna do like 20% where in the world is Kate Middleton joke." Goddamn.
Amanda: Yeah.
Eric: It's terrible.
Amanda: Yup, it's alright.
Julia: Eric, I would love— because Cammie has looked behind her, because she's clearly in the lead right now, and sees Troy unfurl his beautiful wings and Cammie's gonna be like, "Aw, the trauma." And is gonna cast fly on Troy.
Brandon: Oh.
Eric: Oh.
Amanda: Whoa.
Eric: Does— does it activate the wings? What do you want it to do?
Julia: Yeah, it just— it allows him to fly. Whether or not the wings are active or not is up to Troy. I like the idea of like the magic being like, "Of course, it goes to my wings, I'm Troy Riptide."
Amanda: Yeah. What if it's like a second pair of wings, like a double wing, you know, like insect? Yeah, like on top of it, and then they're flapping up and down.
Julia: Like angelic like—
Brandon: I love that.
Julia: —like spectral wings, where the wings should be—
Amanda: Yeah.
Julia: —if they were really flying.
Amanda: Like from DeviantArt. You know what I mean.
Julia: Yeah.
Amanda: Yeah. And yeah, so that Troy is going to untether his necklace. Umbi?
Brandon (as Umbi): Oh, my ass!
Amanda: Great. And then with it retracted, Troy is going to, like, do loop de loops and swirl and zip and zoop, and zap, and fly first through the hoop.
Julia (as Cammie): He deserves this.
Brandon: Have you seen like a— like in a Disney— like Disney cartoon where two flying things, like, cross and intersect, and do cool things, like that's what it looks like. Yeah.
Eric: Cool. For sure.
Amanda: Yeah.
Brandon: And there's like, flair.
Eric: I'm gonna let that— yeah, the— Umbi—Umbi is for teaming it up right now. I still remember your roll from before.
Brandon: Yeah. Thank you.
Eric: Give me charisma check, Troy. And I'm going to do one—
Amanda: Oh.
Eric: —for the audience as well to see how much they like you.
Amanda: Oh. You got it. The audience?
Brandon: Eric, you don't need to roll for the audience. They have a charisma check of 20.
Eric: Oh, of course.
Amanda: Alright. That is a 10.
Eric: It's a 10?
Amanda: It's a 10 on Troy.
Eric: And your — your wings, they're not— they're not doing it?
Amanda: They're—they're beautiful, but he is also openly and loudly sobbing.
Julia: Yeah, that feels right.
Amanda: And so—
Julia: The drama.
Amanda: And so it is— it is somewhat negating the effect.
Eric: Yeah. All of you have re— they're a lot of pluses and minuses to what you're all doing, like—
Eric (as Kraken): I feel conflicted on how everyone's doing. I didn't like it when the old man had an arrow inside of him. And that boy who can fly, that started crying, is bumming us out.
Eric: And the audience is like, "Uh, I don't know." It's on the— it's on the Jumbotron. It's just— we're seeing Troy's tears come down and then like rewind and go back up into his eyes, then come back down and then go back up into his eyes.
Julia: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Eric: —with his eyes
Julia: Kinda gross.
Eric: It's kinda gross.
Julia: Yeah. Yeah.
Eric: Yeah. It's like—
Eric (as Kraken): You guys all get AIDS.
Brandon (as Umbi): That's fine. That's pretty good.
Julia (as Cammie): Okay.
Amanda: That's pretty good.
Julia (as Cammie): I feel like I didn't cry.
Eric: (as Kraken): We— once— as I said before, we like more panache.
Julia (as Cammie): Alright. I keep that in mind for the future.
Eric (as Kraken): Panache more in the future. It's time for challenge number two!
[crowd cheers]
Eric: And the audience weirdly claps.
[crowd claps]
Julia: Yeah.
Amanda: Yeah. Excellent.
Eric: There is someone who's just banging the table.
Julia: Good for you. I love that.
Amanda: It's a bass note, it's a bass note.
Eric: No, I love that. It's like someone's whole bottom half is just coral and they're like, "Eh, eh, eh, let's go."
Julia: It's like that plot in Pitch Perfect, where they're like, "The ladies can't sing because there's no bass notes." And then she gets the surgery, and then gets the bass notes, and it rounds out the whole audience.
Amanda: Yes, yes.
Eric (as Kraken): I got rid of my vocal nodes, but my whole bottom half is coral.
Julia: And then they go ohhhhhh.
Eric: Ohhhh. Yeah, I know. I watched Pitch Perfect a lot at summer camp.
Julia: Yeah, yeah. It's a good movie.
Eric: True.
Amanda: It's a great movie.
Eric (as Kraken): Well, now— now, you have to find the treasure chest. Whoever finds the treasure chest first can stay alive. Work together, I guess, but you know, we're— want you to join our cult— I mean, good society. Damn, I said it out loud.
Amanda (as Troy): We absolutely will. Love you.
Eric (as Kraken): Love you, too— I mean, damn it, I need a dry— shit.
Julia (as Cammie): Good job, Troy.
Amanda (as Troy): Thanks.
Eric (as Kraken): Bring out the ship battle.
Eric: And then all of it just bubbling up from the bottom. Just like a massive army naval battle just starts, pirate ships shooting naval—
Brandon (as Umbi): Hell yeah!
Eric: —shooting naval ships. People are just— other people randomly are just like hitting each other with swords. This is a real thing. In the Roman Colosseum, they used to flood the entire thing and recreating famous naval battles.
Julia: That's true. It's really cool.
Eric: That's real one.
Julia: Yes.
Eric: And that's what's happening.
Brandon (as Umbi): This is the kind of thing that old man love.
Amanda: That's true.
Julia: Alright. Eric, I've got—
Eric: Umbi just put on the History Channel, and I'm putting this in my gosh darn Dungeons & Dragons campaign.
Julia: Eric, I got two things I'd like to do.
Eric: Okay. Well, here— here's what happens, as you settle to in— like, you know, you're back in the middle, you're back on the ship, and then all of this is starting to happen around you, just out of nowhere, rising from the bottom. [explosions] "Yar! Yar! No, I'm gonna take you." "No, I'm gonna take you."
Eric (as Audience): Yay, it's starting.
Eric: And the audience cheers because it's really happening. It's happening.
Julia: Beautiful.
Eric: Woo!
Julia: What I would like to do is I would like to cast demand on the Kraken.
Eric: Okay.
Julia: Which is basically it's like sending, which is if you know sending the spell, you send a 25-word message to any creature telepathically. And you can like ask them anything and demand makes it so that they have to answer it if it's a very reasonable question.
Eric: Uh-hmm.
Amanda: But Julia, I'm sorry to correct you in front of a live audience.
Julia: Yeah, yeah.
Amanda: It does have to be 23 words because the last two must be love you.
Julia: Well, I was gonna include that anyway.
Amanda: Okay. Alright. Alright. Good, good.
Brandon: Legally.
Julia: And Cammie goes—
Julia (as Cammie): Hey, Kraken, looking good. Would you please tell me where the chest is? You're the best. Love you. Cammie.
Amanda: Yeah.
Eric (as Kraken): Love you, too. Damn it. Three times, I outlawed that in my new comedy school.
Julia (as Cammie): Uh-huh.
Amanda: Hmm.
Eric (as Kraken): I don't—
Eric: Wait, what do I do? Do I roll anything?
Julia: Yeah. You have to make a wisdom saving throw.
Eric: Alright. Wisdom saving throw. Magical Kraken, smart.
Julia: Uh-hmm.
Eric: Smart Kraken.
Julia: Uh-hmm.
Eric: Because it tricked a whole bunch of people to join a cult.
Julia: Uh-huh. Uh-huh.
Eric: So a cult leader— cult leader has some— some wisdom?
Julia: Yeah.
Eric: Yeah. Has some wisdom here. I'm getting plus 3. What am I trying to beat?
Julia: A 19.
Eric: Oh, that's high. Uh-oh. I rolled a 7.
Julia: Yeah.
Eric: Yeah.
Julia (as Cammie): Where it is?
Eric (as Kraken): Oh, it's funny that you should say that.
Eric: I think the Kraken's eyes just like glazed— just glazed over and be like—
Eric (as Kraken): It's funny you should say that. I don't pick out where the treasure chest is. One of my—one of the people got— they won a raffle. They did it at intermission, and they get to be the one who puts the treasure chest somewhere, but they keep it from me. I wonder if that means it's somewhere on my body. Weird.
Julia: Ooh. I'm gonna really—
Amanda: Oh.
Julia: —quick— hey, hey one sec. Where is the treasure chest? Where is it? You won two raffles, where's the treasure chest?
Eric: Where's the treasure chest? Don't tell Ju—don't tell Julia, where's the treasure chest? Where's the treasure chest
Julia: Where on the Kraken's body is the treasure chest?
Eric: Where's the treasure chest?
Amanda: If you're overwhelmed, just say the butt.
Eric: Is it---
Julia: It's the butt? Yeah, it's the butt.
Eric: Yeah.
Amanda: Or— or the tummy?
Audience Member: It's in the butt.
Amanda: Yay.
Eric: Yeah, yeah. It's in the butt.
Julia: Whoa.
Eric: That's what one of the weird cor— coral said, it's in the butt.
Julia (as Cammie): Can— can you poop it out?
Brandon: What has happened?
Eric (as Kraken): Once again, I have to say it's not inside.
Amanda: You started this.
Eric (as Kraken): This is spiraling out of control.
Julia: Is someone—
Eric (as Kraken): Someone else other than the tea witch say something.
Julia: Wait, no. I had a secondary thing. I said I had two things.
Brandon: What's the second thing?
Eric (as Kraken): I'm— you— I'm se— taking this away from you.
Julia: Damn. Alright.
Brandon: Oh, here we go, here we go.
Eric: Oh, Brandon, Amanda, what you got?
Brandon: I have— I have so many things I needed to—
Julia: I don't— I don't share that, that was all telepathic.
Eric: Alright, it's fine. It’s all telepathic. Fine. Fine. Fine, fine, fine.
Julia: Nice. Cammie wants to win now.
Eric: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Brandon: Okay, Eric, I have a new thing, a new type of bomb that's called a seeking bomb.
Eric: A seeking bomb?
Amanda: Whoa.
Brandon: It's like a heat-seeking missile, but I'm going to train it on that sweet, sweet treasure smell.
Amanda: Oh.
Eric: Oh that’s so cool.
Brandon: And also my potion of flying lasts for one hour, so what I'm going to do is hold on to that fun bomb as it go towards that treasure.
Eric: Okay.
Amanda: Nice.
Brandon: And also I have a thing called blast-coding now that means I don't take any goddamn damage from my bombs.
Julia: Brandon?
Amanda: How helpful.
Julia: Brandon?
Eric: Yeah.
Brandon: Yeah?
Julia: That's gonna be so bad when you get it on the real game.
Brandon: I don't think so, Julia. So I'm gonna go straight—
Julia: We're all gonna die.
Brandon: —towards that butt.
Eric: So what— so what do I do? What happens with the seeking bomb?
Brandon: Nothing. I just find the treasure.
Eric: You just do you it?
Julia: No, what?
Brandon: Yeah.
Eric: That's—
Brandon: Yeah.
Eric: Okay. What you're gonna— that's it? That's impo— Brandon, that's literally impossible.
Julia: No, hold on.
Brandon: I mean, it's suppo— okay. It— Eric, it's supposed to be for like an enemy or whatever, but if you want to play in the space here with me.
Eric: Alright, give me a— you— because it's a bomb, you got to make an attack roll.
Brandon: Okay.
Eric: This thing has a incredibly high AC because it's a giant Kraken.
Julia: Yeah, bro.
Eric: I'm looking for a 19. I'm now looking for a 19. What'd you get?
Brandon: So cruel. 15.
Eric: Oh, no.
Julia: I thought it was a 1 at first. It was a 7 at the time.
Brandon: Oh, yeah, 8 plus 7.
Eric: I'm— you know, I shouldn't have made this a contest because Julia is being extra cruel to you. She's really rolling this from the first segment where she was extra cruel to you during the contest.
Julia: Maybe if someone had done his fucking research.
Amanda: Yeah.
Eric: Yeah.
Brandon: So I think what happens is that Umbi reaches for the bomb that's seeking and then slips off because he's an old man who moisturizes a lot.
Eric: Incredible.
Amanda: Yeah.
Julia: He's got so many bombs.
Eric: Perception check really quickly.
Brandon: Me?
Julia: Me?
Eric: Yeah, you.
Brandon: Who?
Julia: Which one?
Eric: Brandon, Brandon. Perception check really quickly.
Julia: We both said me at the same time.
Brandon: 11.
Eric: 11? Okay, never mind. You're fine.
Brandon: Okay, thanks.
Eric: Flips out out of your hand and just bloops into the water.
Julia: Bloops.
Amanda: Nice.
Eric: For sure. Troy— Troy Riptide, what you got for me?
Amanda: Yeah. So Troy is standing there very— so he's moved, still— tear tracks down along his face. Wings—
Julia: He can still fly for like an hour, I think.
Amanda: Incredible. Wings out ready— ready to lift him, and he go— he kind of looks up at the Kraken and he's like—
Amanda (as Troy): Hey, what's up? I'm Troy Riptide.
Eric (as Kraken): Oh, hey. Your friend demanded something from me earlier.
Amanda (as Troy): Oh, yeah. She does that sometimes. They're just trying to help us. I hope it was okay.
Eric (as Kraken): I feel— I'm— I'm processing it. I'm thinking about it.
Amanda (as Troy): So, um, something I'm trying to work on is, like, talking first and shooting second. Just like in my life now that I'm a father. So I'm wondering, have you ever played One Card Manny?
Eric (as Kraken): No. What's that?
Amanda (as Troy): Well, there's one card, and you pick it, and you turn it over, and then if it says Manny, you win.
Julia: End of statement.
Eric: Once again, [explosions] I'm gonna need everyone to make dexterity saving throws for me qui— really quickly.
Amanda: Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Brandon: Oh, God. Oh, God. Oh, God. My bad.
Amanda: Oh, my proficiency in those. Fuck yeah, that's a Dirty 20.
Eric: Dirty 20?
Amanda: Uh-hmm.
Julia: 18 minus 1.
Eric: A 17. Good.
Julia: Yeah.
Brandon: What's 14 plus 8? That's 22.
Eric: 22, okay.
Amanda: Yeah. That's pretty good.
Eric: As all of you are doing this, they're just cannon balls that are going [explosions] past you at all times. They just go by you. You all manage to just, like, step out of the way easily as you're doing it.
Julia: We're like—
Julia (as Cammie): Don't worry about it.
Amanda: We're used to it. We're used to it. Yeah.
Eric: Yeah, don't worry about it. It'd be like—
Eric (as Kraken): No. Oh, a game within a game. That's pizzazz.
Eric: And one of— and reaches out a big coral tendril and grabs the cameraman from the south— from the top of the Coliseum and be like—
Eric (as Kraken): Come down here and get this.
Eric: And, like, holds it in front of them like a— like a GoPro.
Amanda: Nice.
Eric: And zoomed right on— right on Troy Riptide and— and the One Card Manny.
Amanda (as Troy): Oh, hey, everybody. So what I was thinking is like, if— if you win, then you don't have to tell me where the treasure chest is, and if you do lose and I win, therefore, then you tell me where it is, and you give it to me.
Eric (as Kraken): I like this. The stakes are raised, and if I win, you will have to stay here with me forever. In my cult— I mean, damn it, good community. I love you.
Amanda (as Troy): What if—
Eric (as Kraken): Shit.
Amanda (as Troy): Yeah.
Julia (as Cammie): I love you, too.
Amanda (as Troy): Love you, too. I see— I see the forever. I read a book on negotiation recently by this guy— please hold.
Brandon: Holding.
Amanda (as Troy): Hale Wheat Carnegie.
Brandon: Nailed it.
Eric: Nice.
Julia: Wow.
Eric: Let's go.
Amanda (as Troy): And so I— I see you forever, what if I offered 10 minutes? How about that?
Julia: Consider.
Amanda (as Troy): How about that?
Eric (as Kraken): 10 minutes in heaven, I think I can change you here.
Amanda (as Troy): Oh, is that what it's called it here?
Julia (as Cammie): Troy, he wants to kiss you.
Eric (as Kraken): You seem like— I can change you.
Amanda (as Troy): Is this— so heaven is where all the coral people are and also big naval battle?
Eric (as Kraken): Yeah, we're in heaven right now.
Amanda (as Troy): Oh, cool.
Julia (as Cammie): Wait, wait, Troy, don't—
Eric (as Kraken): That's what I'm telling—that's what I'm telling my cult— I mean, good community.
Brandon (as Umbi): Oh, shit, I did die.
Amanda (as Troy): Cool, cool.
Julia (as Cammie): Troy— Troy, when someone says, "Amount of time in heaven," it means they want to kiss.
Amanda (as Troy): Oh, thank you.
Julia (as Cammie): Yeah.
Amanda (as Troy): May I instead participate in the naval battle?
Eric (as Kraken): No, wha— no, we're doing the game, flip the Manny.
Amanda (as Troy): Okay.
Brandon: Flip the Manny.
Eric: Amanda, I want you to roll a D— I want you to roll a D 20 right now.
Brandon: Flip the Manny, Flip the Manny, Flip the Manny, Flip the Manny, Flip the Manny.
Eric: You want— you want odds or evens?
Julia: A bomb almost fell.
Amanda: I'll take odds.
Eric: If— okay, you take odds? Alright. If I— if you get odds you win, and if I get odds— if I get evens, you stay with me forever.
Amanda: Okay.
Eric: Okay, great.
Brandon: Oh, they're married.
Eric: Here we go, here we go, here we go.
Amanda: That's an odd!
Julia: Yay!
Eric: Yeah. Wha— you dramatically flip this one playing card into the air.
Amanda: That's right.
Eric: It turns over and over, and flips into the air, and then zoomed in, and it says, "Manny."
Amanda: Woo!
Julia: Yeah!
Eric: Incredible. It'd be like—
Eric (as Kraken): dang, you got it. The treasure chest, I'm being told by my— by my advisors is near, but not inside of my butt.
Amanda (as Troy): May I ask where that is on your person?
Eric (as Kraken): Down here.
Eric: Points at the water.
Amanda (as Troy): Thank you.
Amanda: And then Troy goes—
Amanda (as Troy): It's down there, guys, it's down there.
Brandon (as Umbi): Oh, hell yeah.
Eric: Sure.
Julia: Can I take my action?
Eric: Yeah, for sure, go.
Julia: Cool. Cammie's gonna pa— cast polymorph.
Eric: Okay.
Amanda: Ooh.
Julia: And Cammie would like to become a great white bird shark.
Eric: Ooh.
Amanda: Ooh.
Eric: Yeah. With the stripes and everything?
Julia: Oh, yeah, baby.
Eric: That's tight as hell.
Julia: Oh, yeah.
Eric: No sharks burn fast and hot.
Amanda: Yeah. Nice.
Julia: It's true, it's true.
Eric: That's a joke for all the campers out there. Incredible.
Julia: And Cammie is going to swim up the butt.
Eric: Incre— you swim— again— once again, I have to say not in, but near the butt.
Julia: The butt cheeks.
Eric: The butt— the cheeks?
Julia: Yeah. Cammie's— Cammie's foot is in between the cheeks.
Eric: You know how Kraken have butt cheeks?
Amanda: Yeah.
Julia: Yeah, the cheek is between the tentacles.
Eric: Yes.
Julia: Yeah.
Eric: Would Troy or Umbi like to follow and are we racing at all or you're just like—
Brandon: I think we're playing as a team.
Julia: Cammie says—
Julia (as Cammie): I want to win.
Amanda: Yeah. We're on a team on this one.
Eric: Cammie, you're just doing it?
Brandon: We're hold— we're holding on.
Julia: Cammie goes—
Julia (as Cammie): I want to win.
Amanda: Yeah.
Brandon: Okay. She says that I'm holding on to one of her fins, does Troy also want to hold the other one?
Amanda: I think I'm gonna say— have some small talk with the Kraken like—
Amanda (as Troy): So what do you do for fun?
Eric (as Kraken): Oh, you know, make a lot of people fall in love with me an extended period of time. The thing is that their town floated near me and I just felt, like, drawn to them, like I could fix them, an entire town of people.
Brandon (as Umbi): Cammie, get the treasure!
Julia (as Cammie): It's a little toxic, but okay.
Eric: Yeah. So as you're swimming through— Cammie, you're swimming through [explosions] Can I make a dexterity— what— do you know the stats of the great white birch shark right now?
Julia: I will pull it up for you. Give me one second.
Amanda: Wee.
Eric: Because I want you to do a cool dexterity check, as there are cannon balls happening around you.
Brandon: Hey, Julia.
Julia: What's up?
Amanda: I do want a—
Brandon: Just say— say it's a million.
Julia: No, no, no. I can't do that.
Amanda: Oh, yeah. I do want to assure any, like, parents or partners who came with their—with their folks tonight, that D&D is a wonderful mind-expanding, creativity-building, soft skills- building, math-sharpening activity, where we do talk about butts.
Eric: I also want to say we've talked a lot about marriages and divorce here, right? And it's only because all of us are from broken homes.
Julia: Hey.
Eric: Sorry, three out of four of us are from broken homes.
Brandon: But you'll never know which one.
Amanda: Hey.
Eric: I won't say it.
Julia: My dexterity is plus 0 as a shark.
Eric: Oh, I thought it'd be fast in the water.
Julia: It's strong and it's got high constitution.
Eric: Okay.
Julia: Uh-hmm.
Eric: Just add plus 3.
Julia: Okay.
Eric: That feels like what a shark in the water is different.
Julia: Yeah, it should be.
Eric: Yeah. Plus 3, yeah.
Julia: Yeah. [dice roll] 16 plus 3.
Eric: Incredible. Yeah.
Amanda: Cool.
Eric: [cannon ball sound] Cannonball shooting in the water as the great white bird shark is swimming around and the— near the butts, but not in the butt, is a treasure chest brimming with gold and just from an ethereal light inside.
Julia: It's beautiful.
Brandon: Eat it.
Julia: Cammie cries a little as a shark—
Brandon: Eat it.
Julia: And—
Amanda: But Julia, when a shark cries, how can you tell?
Julia: You can't, but Cammie knows.
Brandon: Wow. Eat it.
Amanda: Okay.
Julia: And then Cammie is going to come out of polymorph and cast abduct onto Troy Riptide.
Eric: Okay.
Amanda: Oop!
Julia: And bring him to where the— the thing is, and be like, "There you go."
Amanda: Hit it.
Eric: What is abduct?
Julia: So abduct is a spell— basically, Troy has to make some sort of spell save D— DC. Oh, it's— no, I don't even— oh, charisma save, Troy, please.
Amanda: Well, we'll see how that goes.
Julia: Gotta be a 19.
Amanda: It's a 10.
Julia: Okay.
Eric: Okay.
Julia: So the spell teleports a creature cheat your location. You choose a creature within range that you— you know as the target of the spell. The unwilling creature makes a charisma saving throw. Target is placed within 30 feet of you. You choose if the target is sitting, standing, prone, or bound with nearby restraints. Wild.
Eric: Cammie, you could just, like, talk to your friends. You don't need to stop hitting them with spell.
Julia (as Cammie): But he's so far away. He doesn't know where it is. I know where it is.
Eric: The only thing— you just need to find it and say you found it, it's olly oxen free rules.
Julia (as Cammie): Yeah, but no—
Amanda: Because we want to be together as a family.
Eric: It's— I— okay, you guys do it together.
Julia (as Cammie): I— I want to Troy to win it but Umbi and I will die and Troy will survive.
Eric: Okay. Alright. Troy pops there. The Kraken— the Kraken says—
Eric (as Kraken): Troy Riptide, my new— my new life partner, you are now together. We have 10— 10 minutes plus eternity. Troy, say goodbye to your friends who are about to die.
Eric: As the Kraken raises up two massive tendrils coming down on Umbi and the great white bird shark, which was Cammie Casis. Troy, what do you do?
Brandon (as Umbi): Goodbye, Troy.
Amanda: Troy shoots both of them.
Brandon (as Umbi): Why are you shooting us? We're already gonna die.
Amanda: The tentacles.
Eric: You shoot the tentacles?
Amanda: The tentacles, obviously.
Eric: Oh, the tentacles.
Amanda: Yes! Okay, amazing. Okay, that's a—
Julia (as Cammie): We're— we're already gonna die.
Amanda: That's a— that's a 14 to hit and then a 17 to hit.
Eric: Okay, you— they hit. What do you want to do? What— what are you trying to do?
Amanda: I'm trying to make the Kraken drop the treasure.
Eric: Okay, you have—
Amanda: I'm using another risk die to do a limb shot and make a drop an item it's holding.
Eric: True. They do not— he— the Kraken isn't holding anything, but what if it dropped its intentions?
Brandon: Ooh.
Julia: Ooh.
Amanda: If my DM will allow it.
Eric: I will.
Amanda: Woo!
Eric (as Kraken): Actually, Troy— ow, ow, these arrows went inside me. Actually, Troy, I guess cults are bad, I'll think about it. But only after a while and— and five more groups of adventurers come here and make me change my ways. I'm not someone who really has a lot of introspection. I'm a giant culture. I'm a giant Coral Kraken, and I have this lovely audience who loves me, right, audience?
[crowd cheers]
Eric (as Kraken): Look, they're cheering and they're co— my coral lives inside of them.
Julia (as Cammie): I'm gonna cast plane shift on this Kraken.
Eric (as Kraken): I— the thing is I'm just gonna keep my cult going, and everyone loves me because [explodes]
Eric: As the Kraken ends up in like— I don't know, fucking space.
Julia: Yeah.
Amanda: Nice.
Julia (as Cammie): Yeah.
Eric: Yeah.
Brandon (as Umbi): Hell yeah, guys.
Julia (as Cammie): Cool.
Eric: Yeah. But then, unfortunately, so did the audience, because they were sitting inside of it.
Julia (as Cammie): Oh, no.
Brandon (as Umbi): Noooo!
Eric: And there they go. And that's the end of the One Shot!
[crowd cheers]
Amanda: Aaahhh!
Eric: All of you died in space.
Amanda: Woo!
Julia: Yeah.
[crowd cheers]
Eric: They're not always happy endings. It's a post–post-modern fiction world.
Amanda: Nice.
Eric: Incredible. Thank you so much for Party in Judgement, and thank you so much. This was The Rolling Bones Tour!
Amanda: Yay!
Julia: Woo!
[crowd cheers]
Eric: Philly, you were absolutely incredible. Brandon, tell them what they're going to do after the show.
Brandon: Oh, well, we're gonna get out of this room, so people can clean up. Be sure to tip your waiters and bartenders, and we're gonna go meet you in that little room where the work is-- where the merch is, so make sure to go buy some merch and hang out with us there.
Eric: Yes. And come—
Julia: Yeah.
Eric: —come through, we'll do photos and stuff in there. Try to like make a line through there and we'll make y'all— y'all go as much as possible. Thank you so much to City Winery, Philadelphia.
Amanda: So much fun. Thank you.
Brandon: Be sure to order some wine from the waiter if you like.
Eric: Yeah. If you want the wine, that'll be incredible.
Brandon: We have assigned to.
Eric: Y'all have been so great. Thank you so much. And here— hey, I just have one last question.
Amanda: Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Brandon: Yeah?
Eric: Alright. So let's say the reason why the sta— the Liberty Bell had a crack in it, was that there was a skeleton inside trying to get out, right? And then what if the skeleton ripped the Liberty Bell, but then— because it's a skeleton and inside the Liberty Bell for 300 years, as cursed by Ben Franklin to stay there forever.
Amanda: Uh-hmm.
Julia: Uh-hmm.
Eric: What if they're like, "Wow, so happy I'm alive," and then they fall off of the pedestal, that was the Liberty Bell and they go tumbling down some stairs?
Amanda: Hmm.
Eric: What do you think that skeleton will be doing?
Brandon: Oh, I think we would be—
All: Rolling Them Bones!
Eric: Thank you very much, everybody!
[theme]