Aunt Min isn’t going to take “I’ll Think About It” laying down. Preserver throws herself into her work. Milo smokes. Val is available.
Housekeeping
- CHAD DICE HAVE ARRIVED. Get your set before they sell out at jointhepartypod.com/chad !
- Missed our first LTC live show? Grab the VOD at jointhepartypod.com/live !
Sponsors
- BetterHelp, a secure online counseling service. Get 10% off your first month at betterhelp.com/jointheparty
- HelloFresh, where you can get 10 free meals including free shipping at hellofresh.com/10jointheparty using code 10jointheparty.
Find Us Online
- website: jointhepartypod.com
- patreon: patreon.com/jointhepartypod
- twitter: twitter.com/jointhepartypod
- facebook: facebook.com/jointhepartypod
- instagram: instagram.com/jointhepartypod
- tumblr: jointhepartypod.tumblr.com
- merch & music: jointhepartypod.com/merch
Cast & Crew
- Dungeon Master, Co-Producer: Eric Silver
- Co-Host (Milo Lane), Co-Producer, Editor, Sound Designer, Composer: Brandon Grugle
- Co-Host (Aggie O’Hare), Co-Producer: Amanda McLoughlin
- Co-Host (Val Vesuvio), Co-Producer, Editor: Julia Schifini
- Multitude: multitude.productions
About Us
Join the Party is a collaborative storytelling and roleplaying podcast, powered by the rules of Dungeons and Dragons. That means a group of friends create a story together, chapter by chapter, that takes us beyond the tabletop to parts unknown. In the first campaign, we explored fantasy adventure, intrigue, magic, and drama. In the newest story, we tackle science, superpowers, a better future, and the responsibility to help others.
Every month, we sit down for the Afterparty, where we break down our game and answer your questions about how to play D&D and other roleplaying games at home. We also have segments at the beginning of each campaign to teach people how to play the game themselves. It’s a party, and you’re invited! Find out more at jointhepartypod.com.
Transcript
Amanda: Last time on join the party --
[Theme music starts]
Eric: Once the dust settled on the big fight in the mob warehouse, we got to get back to the real superhero business, building our brand. The LT3 get help from Carmen De La Paz, Social Media Manager and a being powered by pure coffee who sets everyone up with social media handles and starts the campaign for Preserver, Vulcani, and Kilonova to be the most recognized super team in Lake Town City. On the way out, Aggie heads to her interview with average bear reporter and maybe secret crush, Tegan Murphy. Milo is invited to go bowling with his friends at Astros and he should probably bring his costume so that he can prank Apple and Zach Rose. And Val gets a phone call from Aunt Min. She is tired of waiting for an answer and gives Val one hour to join the family business or the things that Val and their friends hold dear may or may not be in terrible danger. Who knows what may or may not happen in this episode. Let's get the party started.
[Theme music continues and fades out]
Eric (as Aunt Min): Choose your family or choose yourself. But those consequences are up to you. You have an hour.
Eric: Click. Val, what do you do?
Julia (as Val): I was gonna go on a nice, hot date to an emo punk band.
[Brandon laughs]
Julia (as Val): Now, I got to go check on my mom. Goddammit.
Eric: Wonderful. Alright. So, you're gonna see your mom?
Julia (as Val): Yeah. And I think I'm gonna just, like, stuff my costume in, like, a backpack.
Eric: Just in case. Just in case.
Julia (as Val): Just in case.
Eric: Okay. Wonderful. How are you getting from Little – I assume you're at your apartment, right?
Julia (as Val): Yeah.
Eric: You're going from your apartment to Lake Town to your mom's place. How are you getting there?
Julia (as Val): SkyTram.
Eric: Skytram. Okay. Wonderful. You know --
Amanda: Skytram.
Eric: You know what the best part about SkyTram is?
Brandon: Is when Amanda says, “SkyTram.”
[Brandon laughs]
Amanda: SkyTram.
Eric: The second best part of SkyTram is that you always get service on SkyTram, which I just – I think is just so helpful.
Julia: It's not going underground. So, there's no reason why it wouldn't have service.
Brandon: It's not a ground tram.
[Eric laughs]
Julia: And it's so reliable. It's always on time. There's no delays ever. Ever, Eric.
Brandon: No.
Amanda: It’s free.
Eric: It just always flies.
Julia (as Val): I think I also probably need to text Aggie and Milo kind of just letting them know like, “Hey, my aunt threatened you, kind of. Just a heads up about that.”
Eric: Fair. Wonderful.
Julia (as Val): So keep an eye out for the next hour or so.
Eric: Yeah. As you, you shoot that text out, you get a text back from Hitomi who says…
Eric (as Hitomi): Oh, weird crowd out at Sweet Tooth. We’ll let you know if I can get tickets.”
Julia (as Val): Hey, I am probably gonna be late. Just I need to – family emergency, I need to check on my mom. Something is wrong with her oven. And I will come by as soon as I can.
Eric: Okay. Wonderful. And you get that as you get onto SkyTram. This is the Express SkyTram from Little Italy to Lake Town.
Julia: It skips all the stops.
Eric: It skips all the stops and it really just goes over – it goes over Highway One. But it still takes, like, 15 minutes to get there.
Julia: Okay.
Eric (SkyTram PA): Du-du-dot. Hello, This is the SkyTram from Little Italy to Lake Town. Keep your arms and legs inside the SkyTram. Don't fall out. That's January’s promise.
Amanda: Oh, my god.
Julia: Does anyone know that January is a rabbit? Or are they just like, “Oh, It’s January, the SkyTram voice?”
Eric: The latter.
Julia: Oh, my gosh. Incredible.
Brandon: Maybe they thought, like, January was the month. And they just forgot to change --
Amanda: Oh, god.
Brandon: -- it in February and March and then it just stuck, you know.
Julia: So sweet.
Amanda: It’s the start of the new year every day on SkyTram.
[Brandon laughs]
Julia: I love that so much.
Eric: Yeah. All right. Let's cut to Milo. Milo you got invited to bowling tonight. Do you feel like going?
Brandon (as Milo): I have. I already got my text from Val.
Eric: Yes. All of these things are happening at the same time. As you – if you wanted to go, as you were getting ready to go, you get the text from Val.
Brandon (as Milo): Hmm. Well, I text Val back and say, “…cool, I guess.”
Julia (as Val): Due to passive-aggressiveness, well, my mother is in danger.
Brandon (as Milo): Can I help you? Do you need help?
Julia (as Val): Do I need backup? Oh, I don't know. I, I guess just keep an eye out for, for people looking suspicious. Also, Hitomi is at Sweet Tooth and I'm a little worried because she said it was a weird crowd and usually Sweet Tooth’s, like, pretty normal in terms of emo punk bands.
Amanda (as Aggie): I can swing by on my, my nightly rounds?
Julia (as Val): Okay. I'm going to Lake Town anyway. So, I can, like, keep an eye on Lake Town if you’re gonna go by there. Sure.
Amanda (as Aggie): And I’ll – I’ll be close by if you need me.
Julia (as Val): Great.
Brandon (as Milo): I'll keep my phone on ring so I'll get your messages if you need anything, but I'm here.
Eric: Milo, you get a FaceTime message from Zach Rose.
Brandon (as Milo): I answer it.
Eric: Zach looks at you just straight at the camera. Like, the whole frame is just his face, and he just looks at you for a second, and then he pans out. And, like, you see that there are people just running around screaming all throughout Thornhill. So, this is down at the Hipster Astros that you love so much and where are you and your friends all hang out. People are just running around screaming because there is – you know how genies – it's like very mermaid-esque? How their bottom half is just, like, kind of swimming and swishy.
Brandon: They have – they have fish tails.
Eric: Yeah, they have, basically, fish tail. So, this guy has, like, a fish – one of those genie fish tails, but it's made out of white smoke. And it's, like, flipping and flopping either way and, on the top, is a guy who's dressed like a 1950s greaser. Like, really heavy leather jacket, Pompadour comb – like, in the Pompadour white t-shirt and, like, another white t-shirt on top of it. Just in case he gets one dirty from working underneath his car, he can take it off. And this guy is running around destroying things outside. Like, you can see Zach Roses peeking out from outside of Astros too as he flips the camera around. And the guy running around is like…
Eric (as the guy running around): Oh, hey, maybe you didn’t want all your cool hipster shit getting destroyed. You know, I don’t love socs around just turning working class places into, you know, all of these places where you can get a $10 latte. I hate that.
[Brandon laughs]
Eric: As he, like, punches through with, like, claws that then come off of his hand, also, in white smoke and slashes through, like, the window of a coffee shop.
Eric (as the guy running around): Hey, you know, if there was somebody who loves this place so much, maybe you come and challenge me. I don’t know if there was a superhero who loved Thornhill so much. I want to know who he is, but he should probably come and fight me.
Eric: And he just --
[Brandon laughs]
Eric: He just rips the door off and throws it. And then Zach Rose flips it around to his face and say…
Eric (as Zach Rose): Yeah, don’t come.
[Julia, Brandon, and Amanda laugh]
Brandon (as Milo): Great advice. Are you – are you there with the rest of the – with the group? Y'all need to hide. Can you get into the kitchen or, like, behind the lanes?
Eric: Zach is about to open his mouth and a hand grabs it and it's Lucas. And Lucas is like --
Eric (as Lucas): I got – aaaaah!
Eric: And Apple screaming in the background as well. And Lucas is like…
Eric (as Lucas): We’re gonna hide in the arcade. Don’t come.
Eric: And then Lucas winks and then close – and closes the video.
[Brandon chuckles]
Brandon (as Milo): Lucas is the biggest dork on the planet.
Eric: But he's lovely and he's also your best friend. So --
[Brandon laughs]
Julia: What a silly bastard.
Brandon (as Milo): And then I'm gonna text Val and Aggie and say, “Situation at The Only Good Astros, I'm on it. But, if I don't text you in 40 minutes, come help.”
Julia (as Val): Yeah, this is what I was saying about, you know, it seeming like there might be some stuff going on in neighborhoods. So --
Brandon (as Milo): Yeah.
Julia (as Val): Okay. Be careful.
Brandon (as Milo): Y'all too.
Amanda: I’m leaving for Hitomi now.
Eric: Aggie, you're actually in the middle of something. Aggie, you take a second to look down at your phone, but you are currently in the middle of your interview with Tegan Murphy as Preserver. And as Tegan is rifling through their notes, you try to text surreptitiously under the table.
Amanda: Aggie can't do that. No, it's obvious what she’s doing.
[Brandon and Julia laughs]
Eric: Teagan says --
Eric (as Tegan): Oh, if you have a something – if there's, like, superhero business, like, you – totally, you can deal with it. I just have a few more questions and we can – we'll roll – wrap it up.
Amanda (as Aggie): Yeah. No, I, I would love to. I, I don't know, insurance wise, if I'm allowed to, like, invite you along. Probably not just in terms of, like, liability, but I might need to respond to a situation. So, we can just do a couple ask questions, but then I, I'm gonna have to run.
Eric (as Tegan): Yeah. No, I have – I only have, like, two important questions. And they – they'll be – they – yeah, I think about it. I have a lot of stuff here.
Eric: Aggie, where did you end up taking Teagan? Because, before, you said that you were going to a gas station. But where did you, you two actually end up?
Amanda (as Aggie): Yes, that's correct. We met at a gas station --
[Brandon and Julia laughs]
Amanda (as Aggie): -- which has the best pastries in the city. So, met there and then we went to just, like, a diner nearby. Now, the diner is not remarkable. It's not even that good. But Aggie panicked and, and that's what she said. So, that's where they went. And I borrowed a truck from Dr. Morrow because Tegan knows what Aggie’s pickup truck looks like.
Eric: Mhmm. Smart.
Brandon: Smart.
Eric: Yeah, you pull up to the gas station. I think this is called – the gas station is called Crumble N’ Go with an N in the middle.
[Brandon laughs]
Eric: Crumble N’ Go.
Amanda: Adorable.
Brandon: What’s crumbling?
Eric: The pastries, Brandon.
[Brandon laughs]
Julia: Yeah, like crumb cakes and stuff.
Eric: Yeah, you can go to this diner. So, I think Teagan asks you a bunch of basic questions like, how did this all start for you, what exactly are your powers, why do you love the city so much. Will you roll charisma to tell me what kind of answers you gave?
Amanda: Oh, my god.
Julia: Oh, no.
[Dice roll]
Amanda: 15 plus 1. 16.
Brandon: Oh.
Julia: Ooh.
Eric: 16. Wonderful. So, I'll ask you one of these questions.
Eric (as Tegan): So, why do you put yourself on the line to defend the city?
Amanda (as Aggie): I know this is kind of a boring answer, but it, it seems like the right thing to do. It's something I, I must do. And I've really never thought anything else. For whatever reason, I have the ability to help make people safe and I, I think I must use it to do so.
Eric: Teagan makes like, you know, the bottom lip pouting out face of look. Nice. They don't want it on their microphone. So, they're like – he had to give you an okay sign.
Eric (as Tegan): Like, yeah. No, that's, that's great. I love that.
Amanda: Aggie has come up with a strategy to look over Tegan’s shoulder instead of at Tegan if she gets a little overwhelmed by how, how pretty Tegan is.
[Brandon chuckles]
Eric: Now, we flash back to where we were. Tegan’s rifling through their teal jacket looking for questions and notes and be like --
Eric (as Tegan): Yeah, I just have one more question. I know this is a little thorny. But, you know, Councilman Burdock here in, in Lake Town City is kind of doing a, a very strong anti-weirdness push. And it, it seems like it’s – that's coded for something and your compatriots or people who your coded for; you, Vulcani, Kilonova, the Knight of Mirrors and then, of course, the Upcountry Keepers where they seem to be okay. What – can you just tell me what you – how you feel about this coming from the city council?
Amanda (as Aggie): Yeah, I am – I'm sure that all elected officials have the city's best interest at heart. But this is --
[Julia snorts and Eric laughs]
Eric: Someone, from a – from a few boobs over, snorts. It’s Julia Schifini.
[Everyone laugh]
Amanda (as Aggie): But so do we. And this is – you know, it's – it's new. It's different. People have not negotiated the relationship between heroes, to use that term, and local government, and civilians. So, I think, as we all figure out how we work together, a spirit of partnership is necessary.
Eric (as Tegan): But can you have that spirit of partnership while someone is trying to be anti-you?
Amanda (as Aggie): You know, I think the things that make Laketown and Lake Town City weird are the things that make it great. And we want to use and harness all of our quirks to make the city a great and safe place to live. So, I don't think you can have one without the other. You can't have a safe Lake Town City without having a weird Lake Town City. And you can't have a Lake Town City where everybody can do what they want to do, and express themselves, and be themselves, and make the kind of city they want to see in the world without some amount of creativity and flexibility. And I think that's essential.
Eric (as Tegan): For sure. For sure. Would you like to call on the record and say fuck Councilman Murdoch? Because I have – I have a thing right here.
[Brandon laughs]
Amanda (as Aggie): I would not.
Eric (as Tegan): Okay. That's fine. I, it's one of my reporter tricks.
Eric: Make an reception check for me, Amanda.
[Dice rolls]
Amanda: 15.
Eric: As Teagan is wrapping up and pulling their notes together, I guess, a waitress comes by and clears your plates. You see, right over Tegan’s shoulder, it looks like someone has a laser pen or something.
[Robotic sound starts]
Eric: There's a, a red line of light coming in through the window that is now resting like right next to Tegan’s shoulder. And you see it expands a little bit and becomes a circle with a bull's eye in the middle.
Amanda (as Aggie): I yanked Tegan out of the booth and run toward the bathrooms
Eric: Make a dexterity check for me.
Julia: Hey, fuck this.
Brandon: Doo, doo, doo, doo, doo, doo, doo, doo, doo, doo. Like, they're ready. Check what did you get.
Amanda: I got a two that time, but I'm gonna use a luck point new roll.
[Brandon snickers]
Julia: Yeah.
Amanda: I got a three that time. Okay. If I add my plus one fame modifier, I got a 10.
Eric: All right. With a 10.
Julia: Should I be adding fame to stuff?
Eric: If you think that it's something that you can add fame to, you'll do it. I think Preserver doing a actual interview in public is definitely allowing her to give her fame.
Julia: Gotcha. Thank you.
Eric: Good thinking, Amanda. Okay. With a 10.
[Dice rolls]
Amanda: He rolls many dice.
[Brando chuckles]
Eric: Preserver, you pull – you yank Tegan out of the booth just as you hear something go, “Phew! Boom,” as the booth explodes with something coming through the window. You hit the deck with yourself and, trying to block Tegan as much as possible, you take 19 points of fire damage.
Brandon: Oh, my god.
Julia: Oh, god.
Amanda: Okay. How are they?
Eric: You threw yourself on top of Tegan. So, Tegan is roughed up. Let's go to Val real quick.
Amanda: Oh, sorry. I do just want to establish that we have a brief action movie moment where our faces are really close together. But then I, I like more properly brace my body so that they are covered and I'm not – I'm not touching.
Eric: No.
Brandon: I was gonna say we hard cut away from the fact that --
Julia: Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.
Amanda: Yeah.
Eric: Yeah.
Brandon: -- Preserver jumps on top of Tegan. Cool. Cool. Cool.
Eric: Yeah. That’s – yeah, we’re hard cutting. So, let's cut away and we're kind of, like, zooming all the way out and we see the three of you here; Milo, as Kilonova, running to Thornhill, Aggie as Preserver in this diner being hit by explosions, and, Val, you're on SkyTram heading to your mom. So, the way that this is going to work, I have different challenges for all three of you. And we're gonna run through each one and I will explain how the rules work of each one. For Val yours are gonna be straightforward check. So, we're – we’re gonna start with you.
Julia (as Val): Cool.
Eric: Val, you are still on SkyTram. You've gotten the text from Milo. Who organizes your dog walking? Is this like an app?
Julia (as Val): No, I, I just do it. Like, I put up a flyer when I first moved into the neighborhood and people just text me when they want their dogs walked.
Eric: Okay.
Julia (as Val): And I have a schedule.
Eric: Mhmm. All right. You get a phone call from one of the dogs – from one of dogs.
Julia (as Val): Oh, from one of the dogs?
Eric: One of the dogs on the phone. This is – this is from Mitzi who has two very small pitbulls.
Julia (as Val): Haa, Mitzi.
Brandon: Oh, so cute.
Julia: Hold on. I have to add that to my list of dogs. One second, this is very important.
Amanda: I love that Mitzi’s name sounds also like an adorable dog's name.
Eric: The two dogs are named Bitsy and Glitzy, just you know.
Brandon: Aww.
Julia: Blitsy and Glitzy.
Amanda: Yes.
Julia: Oh, my god. And they're pitbulls, right?
Amanda: Yes. Yes. Yes.
Eric: They are pitbulls. Alright. So, you're getting a phone call from Mitzi.
Julia (as Val): Hello.
Eric (as Mitzi): Hey, Val. Hi, it's Mitzi.
Julia (as Val): Hey.
Eric (as Mitzi): Listen, I'm gonna have to cancel the – you as our primary dog walker.
Julia (as Val): Can I ask why?
Eric (as Mitzi): Yeah. So, I heard – I was told by one of my friends, who talked to their friends, that you're involved in organized crime and I don't like that.
[Brandon laughs]
Julia (as Val): Okay. Mitzi, I understand that we – you know, we both live in Little Italy and these kind of rumors get started all the time. I am not connected. I am not, you know, out there doing crimes. I am just a dog walker and a person with a van. And I have a lot of different jobs.
Eric (as Mitzi): Yeah, that sounds exactly what someone in organized crime would say and do. Okay. You just have a van and you do things. I also know that you, your parents are crime mob bosses. I don't like that either. So , it runs in the family. I don’t like that.
Julia (as Val): My mother is crime mob boss. Excuse me, Mitzi.
Eric (as Mitzi): That’s not what I heard. I heard it.
Julia (as Val): I don't want to do your business anyway --
Eric (as Mitzi): But I heard --
Julia (as Val): -- if you’re gonna slander my mother like that.
Eric (as Mitzi): I heard that. This is – I'm not slandering. It’s not slander because it's true.
Julia (as Val): It’s, it is not true. My mother is a good person.
Eric (as Mitzi): Listen, I've organized a few of the other dog people who use your services. And we just – we don't – we're not – we don't know if you’re someone we could trust with our dogs.
Julia (as Val): I’m so – I'm so upset. I'm sorry. Hold on I need a minute.
[Brandon and Amanda chuckles]
Eric: Julia, please make an insight check on Mitzi.
Julia: Okay.
[Dice roll]
Julia: I got a 14.
Eric: Wonderful. Okay. With a 14, you can try to convince Mitzi with a charisma check because, you know, Mitzi kind of runs the whole – her friend group and all the people around. So, you think that you could convince her otherwise if you were to do one of your various charisma checks --
Julia: Okay.
Eric: -- to do that. So, you can try to convince her and then tell me which skill you're gonna use to get her to, to back off.
Julia: Sure. I don't want to use either deception or intimidation, even though I am proficient in those because that would make me feel bad.
Eric: Fair. Fair. Fair. Fair.
Julia: So, I'm just gonna do, like, either a flat charisma or a persuasion role, which will be plus three.
Eric: I'll give you persuasion. Yeah. Why don't you, you try to persuade her and then you can roll.
Julia (as Val): Mitzi, I think we both said some, some hurtful things here and I apologize about that.
[Eric snickers]
Julia (as Val): But you know that I love your dogs. I love Blitsy and Glitzy. And I love all the dogs in the neighborhood. And I, I think it would be a real shame if you decided to go with someone else because I don't think that there really is anyone else in the neighborhood who has the rapport with the animals like I do. And I, I just think that like it would be a shame to throw away our, our business relationship and my personal relationship with your dogs over some hurtful things and rumors that people are spreading.
Eric: Wonderful. This is a DC15. So, you need to get a 12 or higher.
Julia: Yep.
[Dice roll]
Julia: Got a 15, baby.
Amanda: Yay.
Eric: Let’s go.
Brandon: Ooh.
Amanda: Oh, thank god.
Eric: Yeah.
Julia: It’s 15 plus three. So, it’s an 18.
Eric: Let's go. Alright. So, Mitzi says --
Eric (as Mitzi): You know what? I just think we did some things. I shouldn’t have come on so strong. I realized I know so many people in organized crime. I don’t know why I was so concerned about it.
[Brandon and Amanda laugh]
Julia: We do live in Little Italy and it’s okay. I understand. Sometimes, we get a little scared because, like, people are asking questions, but I understand, It's okay.
Eric (as Mitzi): That’s the last time. That’s the last time that I get a friend of a friend of a friend to tell me about things about you.
Julia (as Val): Mhmm.
Eric (as Mitzi): I'm gonna have to talk to that friend of a friend of a friend.
Julia (as Val): You should.
Eric (as Mitzi): I'm going to. Okay. See you in church. Bye.
[Brandon laughs]
Julia (as Val): See in church. I’ll see you on Friday or when I pick up the dogs.
Amanda: See you in church is such a fantastic passive-aggressive – like, you're going to church, right?
Julia: See you in church.
Eric: Yeah. And you got a text from Aunt Min that just says, “Tick, tock, tick, tock.”
Amanda: Haaa.
Eric: We're gonna go to Milo. Milo, you’re – you're heading towards The Only Good Astros, correct?
Brandon (as Milo): Yeah.
Eric: As Kilonova. Wonderful.
Brandon (as Milo): On my way up, I'm gonna cast a new spell called muffled celerity. And that was a spell that we got from the opus of extrinsic substance by drop the dye. And this is really cool spell that makes me – make no sound – well, a willing creature. But, me, in this instance, makes no sound while moving at half speed or slower. So. all my footfalls, all my equipments, and all my fabrics machine is now concealed. And, practically speaking, you take a minus 10 penalty to perception checks to detect me.
Julia: That's really cool,
Amanda: Damn.
Eric: Wonderful. Yes, we wanted to get Milo some more necrotic spells. So, we bought this and, now, Milo can use them.
Julia: This is big Sly Cooper energy and I like it.
Amanda: Hmmm.
Eric: Yeah.
Brandon (as Milo): So, I'm not necessarily trying to hide. I'm just trying to sort of, like, make a bit of an image of myself as a ghost and sort of, like, show up behind this person or this monster and be like, “What up?”
Eric: Alright. Wonderful. Yeah. So, I think that he’s, you come up here silently. And the smoke guy, now, he, he's tearing into a restaurant that only makes dumplings.
Brandon (as Milo): Oh, son of a bitch.
Eric: But it's – but it’s not a – it's not a dumpling house. This is like, “Oh, we put a hamburger in a dumpling.”
[Brandon laughs]
Eric: It's called Blank in a Dumpling. It’s the name of the restaurant.
Julia: It's just it's like two brackets.
Eric: Yeah.
Brandon: Oh, that's good. That’s good.
Julia: Cute.
Eric: Yeah, but it's called Blank in the Dumpling when you say it out loud.
Julia: I love it.
Eric: And it’s like, “Why would you even need to put lasagna in a dumpling? Lasagna is perfect as it is. Aaah!”
Brandon: Shit.
Eric: And he slashes through it.
Julia: It’s not wrong.
Eric: And dumplings go everywhere.
Brandon: That sounds so good. Cheeseburger dumpling. Lasagna dumpling. I'm here for all of it.
Eric: So, you, you’re gonna confront this guy. So, tell me how it happens.
[Upbeat music playing]
Brandon (as Milo): Yeah. So, I'm gonna roll up on him and say a pithy catchphrase, tagline that's like, “It looks like this town needs some degreaser.” And then I'm gonna cast blight, which is a fourth level spell. And what that does is the hand in my chest sort of, like, explodes from my chest and becomes really giant and sort of, like, almost as if like necrotic energy lightning is sort of like surrounding it.
Eric: Mhmm.
Brandon (as Milo): And it's going to grab the creature. And it's going to drain the moisture and vitality from it. So, you must make a constitution saving throw. And, on a failed save, you take 8D8 necrotic damage or half as much on a successful one.
Eric: Incredible. I love this. So, you have the – hey, you grab him with the hand and he turns around he's like, “Oh, no. The worst thing in the world. Toxic Hand. I hate it. I need something to calm me down.” He, like, wriggles one of his hands free and grabs a massive vape from his pocket --
Julia: That sucks.
Eric: -- and blows it out as white cotton. It just swirls around. He’d be like, “Oh, it seems like you want to go head to head with Cottonmouth. Alright. Let's roll boy.”
Brandon (as Milo): I'm sorry. You vape and you hate Thornhill? This is where you should be living.
Eric: So, here's how this is going to go down, Brandon. We're having a fucking superhero-supervillain fight.
Julia: Haaa.
Brandon: Yeah.
Eric: So, we're gonna break this down like it's almost – like, it's a boxing match. So, I'm gonna use some boxing match game mechanics that I got from Cobalt Press.
Brandon: Hell yeah.
Eric: So, the way that this is going to work is that it's the best out of five. So, you have to win three out of five. You're gonna use either athletics, acrobatics, or you can cast a spell and add your spell save and your, you contest against each other. And you're gonna have to win three out of five against Cottonmouth here. And, depending on cool things that happen, you might knock them out. You might – you can do things in between the rounds to get yourself bonuses here. This is how this fight is gonna go down as you want to be one Cottonmouth with all of this cotton.
Brandon: I love it.
Eric: So, for this one, I'll give you blight. And, since it’s a fourth level spell, add your spell save. And I'm gonna give you advantage because you snuck up on them with celerity. Those were – were both of those spells, by the way?
Brandon: Yes, both of them are spells. So, I'll roll those two.
Eric: Yeah, let's roll those first.
Julia: Uh-oh. Uh-oh.
Brandon: That's a nine and a 13. So, I'm up to five.
Amanda: Oh, no.
Eric: Great. It's great. Okay. We're gonna go into the first round of this boxing match. So, use your spell save with blight and add that to whatever your role is as I'm going to roll – he's gonna try to roll acrobatics to get out of this.
Brandon: Well, I rolled a two and a three.
Eric: Yey.
Brandon: So, that's an 11 total with my spell attack bonus.
Eric: Nice. I rolled an eight plus four with the 12.
Brandon: Son of a bitch.
Julia: God.
Eric: So, Cottonmouth wins the first one.
Amanda: Damn it.
Eric: It’s in the hand. And he does something with the hand he's wriggle free with his vape. As he blows it out, both of his arms go smoky and he's able to slip out of your hand. And then he, like, blows the smoke into your body and then turns it corporeal. So, you just have this, like, smoke claw inside of you. And he's like --
Eric (as Cottonmouth): You’re about to get smoke clawed out and pulls it out.
[Julia Laughs]
Eric (as Cottonmouth): Like, hey, I don't see any socs around here who wants to mess with Cottonmouth. Nobody here does. Hey, you know what I would do? Kilonova, representative of the hipsters. I can finally rip you up.
Brandon (as Milo): As Cottonmouth says his silly catchphrase that no one listens to because I don't even remember it now --
[Julia and Amanda laughs]
Brandon (as Milo): I'm gonna cast absorb elements as a reaction. And, so, I'm gonna chain resistance to vape damage, I believe it is.
Eric: Yeah. Yeah, smoke damage. Absolutely.
Brandon: And that is a spell. So, I'll go ahead and roll too. That's an 11. So, I'm up to six.
Julia: Okay.
Amanda: Ugh.
Eric: Wonderful. So, with absorb elements, do I need to roll a save or anything?
Brandon: No, it's – I have resistance to triggering damage type until the start of my next turn.
Eric: Yeah, wonderful.
Brandon: And, also, the first time I hit with a Milo attack on my next turn, you take an extra 1D6 damage of the triggering type and the spell ends.
Eric: I love that. I love the idea that the ghost hand, like, turns into a tube and then just, like, vacuums up his some of the – some of the vape.
[Brandon laughs]
Eric: So, his hole arm – he's – like, one of his arms just goes away. He’d be like --
Eric (as Cottonmouth): Fuck. Hey, I need that. I spent, like, $20 for this cartridge, please. Hey, leave me alone.
Brandon: It's like Kirby. I suck up his power, and then swallow it, and I absorb it.
Eric: Yeah. All right. Let's do another one. Brandon, I'm gonna give you – 'm gonna give you plus two because you did absorb elements. Let's go again.
Brandon: Wonderful. I'm gonna try to cast charm monster here.
Amanda: Ooh.
Eric: Hmm. Okay.
Brandon: Let's first roll your spiritual search.
[Dice roll]
Brandon: Well, my friend, that's a six.
Eric: Hmm.
Amanda: Oooh.
Eric: All right. Why don't you roll in your special search table?
Amanda: It’s like pulling an X in Scrabble. Like, this could be really bad for me, but I'm gonna just roll with it.
[Brandon laughs]
Brandon: I got a two.
Eric: Ooh, okay. Interesting. Interesting.
Brandon: Uh-oh. Oh, no.
Eric: So, since this is char monster, right, you're trying to get – the, the ghost powers are, like, convincing him that you're actually not a – not a threat or a foe. While you're waiting for the hand to come out and do something, it – actually, you feel it, like, float up. You see, like, go past your face. And it – then, now, the hand is firmly in the middle of your forehead. And, as Cottonmouth is looking at you, it starts that there's a hand – you have, like, a third hand on your head. But, now, it turns into a big eye. And you have – your third eye is opened and you can just read his thoughts whenever you like.
Brandon: Oh, hell yeah. Okay.
Julia: Right.
Eric: Well --
Brandon: So, I can, like, sort of read his moves before he does them.
Eric: Yeah, just use your spell save again.
Brandon: Yeah.
Eric: Because, like, we're not using the sort of the, the components of the – of the spell. We're just using the spell save because it's like a boxing match. So, yeah, you can use your spell save. And I'll give you – and you can still carry that plus two from the elements.
Brandon: 19, nine plus 10.
Eric: Holy shit. Okay. I rolled an eight again.
Julia: Yes.
Eric: So, that's eight plus four for 12. So, you won this by more than seven. You have an opportunity to knock them out. So, I have to roll a con save or then he's just going to be knocked unconscious. The DC is 15. His con is plus two. So, I need to roll a 13 or more.
Amanda: You need to roll a 12 or lower, bud.
Julia: Yes, 12 or lower.
[Brandon laughs]
Eric: Right. Are you fucking kidding me?
Julia: Yes.
Eric: Amanda, can you verify what I just rolled?
Amanda: That would be a natural one.
Julia: Yes.
Eric: That is a natural one. Holy shit. Tell me what you do ad it has to end with him getting knocked out.
Brandon: Yeah. So, what Milo's plan is, is he, he uses his foresight ability to read his moves before --
Eric: Yes.
Brandon: -- his opponent's moves before he does them. So, like, as Cottonmouth is going for a swing, he casts char monster. While we're best friends, I cast entangle on the ground in front of them and I suggest --
Brandon (as Milo): Hey, why don't you just, like, walk into these hands?
Brandon: And these entanglements grab him so the cops can come and pick him up.
Eric (as Cottonmouth): Hey, well, Kilonova, you've never done anything bad to me before. I loved it when we worked on our keyboard together. That was so nice. Okay.
Eric: And he throws himself into his ghostly hands. Are this --
Amanda: And he just falls onto the ghostly hand?
Eric: He just --
[Eric and Brandon laugh]
Eric: He just falls backwards --
Julia: Oh, god.
Eric: -- into the ghostly hands. He’s like --
Eric (as Cottonmouth): Oh, no, my best friend really fucked me over.
Eric: And he gets pulled in. There’s silence for a moment and then someone kicks open the door to Astros and it's Lucas. And Lucas is like --
Eric (as Lucas): Wow. Kilonova saved us. Thanks, Kilonova. And all these hipsters cheer.
Julia: Yeah.
Brandon (as Milo): And many of them take Instagram photos and I, I winked at them. And, later on Instagram, we’re like half – the, like, left side of my body is sort of, like, dissolving into the ether.
Eric: I love that. And you – my, man, congratulations, you have plus one to your fame modifier.
Julia: Yeah.
Brandon: Yay.
Amanda: Yay.
Julia: #LT3.
[Midroll Note]
Eric: Hey, it's Eric. I want to take a moment just to celebrate something nice and good for one second. My grandmother, who is 93 years old, has gotten her first shot of the vaccine and has her next one lined up for only a few weeks from now. I think that's pretty neat. I know things aren't different and maybe they won't go back to “normal” for a little while. But I'm going to celebrate the small things where they're at. So congratulations, grandma. I'm so glad that we were able to figure that out. I hope that, at least, the old folks in your life and then people who are vulnerable are getting the vaccine. So, welcome to the Midroll. You'll get yours soon enough, I promise. I want to thank each and every one of our supporters on Patreon and the people who joined this week, Jordan, Mother of Beasts, and Bob. And shout out to Alyssa, Benny D, and BonesBody of YouTube. He's a annual patron now? Well, all of you are. And, Bones, I have some questions about your YouTube content. Discount alert, if you sign up for an annual plan, you get 15 percent off if you were doing 12 months monthly. So, just think about that. But, no matter what plan you're on, your support helps us keep making this show. We are so grateful to everyone who makes this a priority every single month to support creators, not even us, anyone who's doing Patreon stuff out there. We're so happy you're doing it. But, if you are not a patron, there's still an opportunity for you to join our wonderful community. And we're always looking for more people to come in. You got our Discord, NPC backstories, and exclusive three-part podcast that you can't get anywhere else, and all of the stuff that's been there for years of Patreon. So, if you're able, please do so for as little as $5 a month, patreon.com/jointhepartypod. Shout out to all my Chad heads out there. Do you have your Chad dice yet? You should. After months of planning, years of hoping, and dozens and dozens of your suggestions, we finally made Join the Party branded dice. They’re dice for hoomans and based on our favorite hooman, Chad. Get your bright green, Join the Party font, our logos, and Nat 20, Chad's facing, “Oh, no when you roll a one” set at jointhepartypod.com/chad. And, if you want to pick up the Chad pen as well, there's a special Chad bundle. It is truly my very favorite thing. Go to jointhepartypod.com/chad to go right to the Chad dice or you can look at the rest of the stuff on our merch store at jointhepartypod.com/merch. This podcast is sponsored by BetterHelp, a secure online counselling service. There was never any bone witch. I don't know why you said that there was a bone witch in the first place. I don't know what you're talking about. And I'm definitely --
[Knocking]
Eric: Excuse me.
[Knocking continues]
Eric: Oh, it's – someone's knocking on the window? Oh. Oh, okay. Okay. Fine. Alright. I’m just kidding when I said it wasn't true. There was always a bone witch. And a bone witch is good at therapy. And it's trying – it definitely wants more clients because all of her clients have been getting pulled away by BetterHelp, who connect you with licensed counselors through their secure app, letting you message with your therapist, and schedule a live phone or video sessions. It's the copy. It's the copy. I can't – I can’t not do it. The bone witch also has that in that you can talk to a bat. And it will fly to her. And she'll maybe get back if a bat remembers how to go. Okay. Because, when you met – you can also message your counselor in between sessions if you're worrying about something, but bone witch has bats. So, I guess that's not it. That's – but, honestly, honestly, BetterHelp is better than that because I'd rather use a phone than a bat. Oh, my god, I got to keep going. BetterHelp wants you to better – find the best therapeutic match possible. It's free and easy to switch to counselors if need be. And BetterHelp is actually more affordable than traditional counseling because the bone witch wants your bones. She uses your bones. She eases your drama and then steals bones. I have so little time left, but this podcast is sponsored by BetterHelp. And Join the Party listeners get 10 percent off their first month at betterhelp.com/jointheparty. BetterH-E-L-P.com/jointheparty for 10 percent off your first month. It's betterH-E-L-P.com/jointheparty for 10 percent off. Okay. I'm just gonna hide. I'm now under a blanket in the studio. The bone witch can't see me. She actually doesn't have a traditional vision. She goes by smell like she's a T-rex in Jurassic Park. So, I'm just gonna stay very still, and pretend like nothing's happening, and read this next ad in a totally normal voice. Everyone, chill out. Don't worry about it. Okay. Okay. She's walking away. She smelled – she smelled some bones over there. So, I'm just gonna do this regular. Okay. Finally, we're sponsored by HelloFresh. They cut out stressful meal planning and grocery store trips so you can get dinner on the table in 30 minutes or less. And, with 23 plus recipes each week, you can try a range of flavors, and cuisines, and ingredients. Now, when I get home from work and from the latest snowstorm, it is so helpful to make HelloFresh meal in just half an hour. Everything is pre-portioned and packaged together in one bag. So, everything you need is in one place. You can go to hellofresh.com/10,1-0,jointheparty and use code 10 – that's 1-0 – jointheparty for 10 free meals, including free shipping. That is hellofresh.com/10jointheparty and use code 10jointheparty for 10 free meals including free shipping. And, now – oh, can she see me? Oh, no, is she coming back? Oh, my god, the bone witch. She's right here. I need to go. Let's go back to the show.
[Note fades out]
Brandon: Entangle was a spell. So, I'm gonna have to roll on my spell surge real fast.
Eric: Please do. Please do.
Brandon: Okay. It's all good. Nine.
Eric: All right. Wonderful. We're gonna cut back to Val on SkyTram.
Julia (as Val): How many stops am I at this point?
Eric: You're – you're about halfway now.
Julia (as Val): Okay.
Eric: This happened pretty quickly. I think this is happening while, while Milo is doing this punch him up. You got a call from Dom 5.
Amanda: Oh, god.
Julia (as Val): All right. I answer the phone.
Eric (as Domfive): Hey, Val, I, I got – I got some bad news for you. I'm gonna – I'm gonna have to let you go.
Julia (as Val): Dom, you literally work for the mob. You’re not allowed to get me go from my job because of mob connections.
[Brandon laughs]
Eric (as Domfive): Oh, no worries. For – you’re doing a really – I feel like you're stealing.
[Amanda laughs]
Eric (as Domfive): I don’t --
Julia (as Val): I’m, I’m stealing?
[Everyone laughing]
Julia: (as Val): I’m gonna stop you right there, Dom. I’m gonna stop you right there.
Eric (as Domfive): No hurt feel --
Julia (as Val): You know I’m not stealing. And you’re not firing me.
Eric (as Domfive): Yes, I – yeah, I --
Julia (as Val): No. No, you're not firing me. I would like to roll intimidation.
Eric: Oh, yeah, intimidation. So, you don't know who's on the other side of the phone with Dom. This is a DC20.
Julia: Okay.
Eric: This is hard – this is harder.
Amanda: Oh, man.
Julia: I have a plus six to intimidation.
Eric: All right. Wonderful.
[Julia huffs]
Julia: All right. I rolled an 11. So, that didn't work.
Eric: All right. So, 17. So, Dom says --
Eric (as Domfive): Listen, you might – I feel like you've been stealing as your – as your grounds – as your manager. That's – I need to – you can't work here anymore. I'm sorry. Bye.
Eric: Oh, he hangs up.
[Brandon laughs]
Julia (as Val): The man was a father figure to me. This is terrible. This is a rough – this is the worst SkyTram ride ever.
Brandon: But aren't you glad you had such good service while you're on the SkyTram?
Julia (as Val): Well, not really, for all these phone calls where people are firing me from my jobs.
[Brandon and Eric laugh]
Eric: Incredible. All right. We're gonna cut back to Aggie. Aggie, you are now freeze frame face to face with Tegan in the action movie as things are exploding.
[Julia snickers]
Eric: You took 19 points of fire damage.
Amanda (as Aggie): Yeah.
Eric: What do you do?
Amanda (as Aggie): I'm going to plank myself so I'm not touching Tegan inappropriately.
[Eric laughs]
Amanda (as Aggie): And, and, like, turn with my back still shielding them from the window and just kind of try to, like, assess the situations and see where the threat came from and if anything else is coming.
Eric: Yeah, do an investigation. You can also – you add your, your super power.
[Brandon laughs]
Julia: All that core strength from doing all the goat yoga.
Brandon: I know.
Julia: Plank. Just holding it perfectly.
Amanda: That's a non-natural 20 then.
Eric: Ooh, all right. Dirty 20.
Brandon: Killing it.
Eric: Okay. As the smoke starts to clear as you look at where the window used to be and you see that there's a bunch of, like, glass that went out because of the explosion. But you also see that, like, some glass came in. So, you can trace that the – whatever the thing that, that did the explosion came from outside through the window unlike an upward trajectory. If you were making, like, a right triangle if this was a really terrible word problem, you can see that --
[Brandon laughs]
Eric: -- like, there's a 45-degree angle from outside of the diner.
Amanda: Alright. So, Preserver sees that the threat is coming from that, like, angle off outside and wants to investigate it. But, first, I will get Tegan to their feet and be like --
Amanda (as Aggie): Everybody, please take shelter in the back of the restaurant. The authorities will be on their way. We have to evacuate.
Eric: Make a persuasion check for me to see if these people will listen to you. I'll let you add plus one for your fame as well.
Amanda: That is an 11.
Eric: All right.
Amanda (as Aggie): And, as I say that, I'm gonna just subtly do healing hands on Tegan.
Eric: Wonderful.
Julia: Adorable.
Brandon: I thought you were trying to not touch Tegan.
Amanda (as Aggie): As I – as I very briefly graze their elbow to help them to their feet.
[Brandon and Eric laugh]
Julia: So cute.
Eric: Tegan is now leaning and you’d be like, “What – oh, what happened? Where did that explosion come from?”
Amanda (as Aggie): I'm so sorry. I think your corporate insurance will cover it. Let's get – come, come this way.
[Brandon laughs]
Amanda (as Aggie): And then I'm gonna just heal him.
Eric: Yeah, I think that, with an 11, a few people stay in the diner. They're like, “I don't care. I've been eating in this diner for 20 years.”
[Brandon laughs]
Eric: And I’m gonna finish my eggs. No matter what someone in a mask says to me, I’m gonna eat it.
Brandon: Eat me.
Julia: This is only the third worst thing to happen in this diner.
[Brandon laughs]
Julia: And the first ones when they changed the coffee machine.
[Brandon and Amanda laughing]
Amanda: So true.
Eric: Yes. So, imagine we’ll stay in the diner and, like, some people follow you, but other people then starts screaming and just, like, running willy-nilly. It’s, like, some of them are just like out in front of the diner and some people are running, like, away from it. Like, they're not in a safe distance. So, so, a lot of them just kind of ignored you and as you – they run away. You can also see that there's another – the laser is now coming in again and is, now, like, tracking through the rubble and is coming close towards you.
Amanda (as Aggie): I think my only option is to step of the wind as close to the source as I can get. I can't move these people on my own.
Eric: Yeah, absolutely. I think make a dexterity roll for me.
Amanda: 14.
Eric: Wonderful. Okay. Yeah, you – do you want to jump out through the window?
[Brandon chuckles]
Amanda (as Aggie): Oh, yeah. No, no, I'm gonna – I'm gonna vault over the table and jump out the window.
Eric: Wonderful. Okay. So, as you fall over the table and just gracefully get through the window, you can see where the laser is coming from. As you figure out the angle from your investigation check, you know that there – this has to be a tall enough building because it's coming from high enough angle. So, you look and there's a few, like, two and three-storey buildings around here. That wouldn't be possible. And you're look that there's a 10-storey building. There's, like, one really nice, like, built building from real – like, a real estate company came in and was like, “We're gonna be the only nice building in town.” And no one wants to live there. And the rents are so, so way too expensive. And you see that the laser is coming from up there. And you can see that there's, like, a figure holding, like, a pretty large cannon of some sort. That’s where the laser is coming from.
Amanda (as Aggie): I am going to just hold one hand up like I'm a crossing guard stopping cars as kids are crossing the street --
Eric: Mhmm.
Amanda (as Aggie): -- and shout as loud as I can toward that building. You have me. There's no need to involve civilians. I'm trying to use emissary of peace to defuse a violent situation.
Julia: Ooh.
Eric: Yeah, do it.
Amanda: This gives me advantage on a charisma check to calm violent emotions or counsel peace.
Eric: Okay. So, yeah, you just do a straight up charisma roll to that.
[Dice roll]
Amanda: Well, one was a seven, but one was a 19.
Brandon: Oh, hey.
Julia: Yeah, dirty 20, baby.
Amanda: That is a 21 actually.
Julia: Oh, 21. Beat that.
Eric: 21
Brandon: That’s even dirtier.
Julia: Dirty 21 even dirtier. Yes, Brandon.
[Brandon laughs]
Eric: Yeah, you see that the laser is – then goes from the diner and is trained on you for a moment. And they hold it for one to three seconds and then the laser goes off. And you see that the figure on top of the roof goes away for a second. And then, like, a rock falls from the top of this 10-storey building and just smashes on the ground. And you see that there's, like, a piece of paper in the rubble.
Amanda (as Aggie): Yeah, I pick it up.
Eric: And it says, “Come up here and no one will get hurt.”
Amanda (as Aggie): Okay. I head up there. And I think, just as I am getting into the building before – when I'm, like, out of sight from the window but before I go into the building, I'm just gonna quickly, like, text our, like, direct response hotline of emergency services to be like, “Evacuation and EMTs needed at this diner.”
Eric: Mhmm.
Amanda (as Aggie): And then I'll just drop into the group text and just say, “I think I have this in hand, but, if I don't get back to you guys within a few minutes, this is where you'll find me.”
Eric: Nice. We're gonna go to Milo really quickly. Kilonova’s celebrating with everyone. And then you hear --
Eric (as Sour Anthony): Don't worry everybody flyboys here and I'll take care of whatever it is.
Eric: And it's Sour Anthony in his Flyboy suit just shows up. And all the hipsters are mob – mobbing him. Like --
Eric (as Sour Anthony): Oh, wow, you already collected first so that you can all celebrate. Hey, that's so nice. Thank you. But I feel like I got to find a villain first. Where, where is he at? Flyboy? Oh, you’re too late this time, but it is a pleasure to make your acquaintance in person.
[Amanda laughs]
Eric: And Milo, Milo holds his hand out. Sour Anthony does one of those, like, a bro handshake and then pulls you in. And he’s like --
Eric (as Sour Anthony): I fucking hate you, man. Fuck you.
[Amanda laughs]
Brandon (as Milo): I fucking hate you too.
Eric (as Sour Anthony): I fucking hate you.
Brandon (as Milo): You fucking piece of shit, I can't believe you showed up so fucking late. I can't --
Eric (as Sour Anthony): What --
Brandon (as Milo): People would have died on your timetable.
Eric (as Sour Anthony): One day, I'm gonna show – I'm going to fucking murder you in your house. Fuck you.
Brandon (as Milo): I'm gonna burn down your house and then murder you in your house and murder your house.
Eric (as Sour Anthony): Well, you're gonna be dead first. So, like, that’s gonna be really weird. Or I guess you're gonna have to come back from the dead because you're fucking ghosts guy.
Brandon (as Milo): I’m gonna fucking come back from dead. I'm gonna kill you and then bring you back from the dead and kill you again.
Eric: And then he separates. He's like --
Eric (as Sour Anthony): Alright. Thanks fellows, hero. Okay.
Eric: And he flies away.
Brandon (as Milo): It was a pleasure.
[Everyone laughing]
Eric (as Sour Anthony): Yeah!
Eric: Alright. We’ll go to Val. Val, you’re so – you're, like, one stop away from the SkyTram stop that you usually get off of. And you get a phone call from Hitomi.
Amanda: Oh, god.
Julia (as Val): Oh, god. I answer it.
Eric (as Hitomi): I don’t know what would shut it down. We were just there.
Julia (as Val): What?
Eric (as Hitomi): Here at Sweet Tooth. There was the dentist. He said he shut it down. And he didn’t want – he didn’t want music there anymore. He said – he showed up. How stupid.
Julia (as Val): Why, why would – he doesn't want the extra business?
Eric (as Hitomi): Apparent --
Julia (as Val): He makes enough being a dentist?
Eric (as Hitomi): Yeah, he, like, sold it someone else.
Julia (as Val): Who did he sell it to?
Eric (as Hitomi): I don’t know. He didn’t say. He’s, like, someone gave him like a bunch of cash and he couldn't turn it down just because “dentistry is bullshit.”
[Brandon laughs]
Julia (as Val): Dentistry is bullshit, but, alright, take care of your teeth.
Eric (as Hitomi): I don't know. Just like with Judy, he said, yeah, he held up the cash. It was like the cash onhand. It was it's so weird.
Julia (as Val): It's weird. He just had, like, bags of money, like, in a cartoon?
Eric (as Hitomi): Yeah. No, it was, like, in a silver briefcase. Like, someone gave it to him.
Julia (as Val): Oh, okay. Okay. Okay. It's very mobster shit. Fuck.
Eric (as Hitomi): I guess. How would you know that?
Julia (as Val): I --
Eric (as Hitomi): Have you been watching Goodfellas?
Julia (as Val): I’ve been watching a lot of Goodfellas and The Sopranos lately.
Eric (as Hitomi): Classic.
[Brandon chuckles]
Julia (as Val): So, yeah.
Eric (as Hitomi): Okay. Well --
Julia (as Val): Why don't you go to, to my place and just, like, hang out there until I get back?
Eric (as Hitomi): Yeah. Are you still going – are you still going to see your mom?
Julia (as Val): Yeah. Yeah, I'll be there. I'm just getting off, like, in two minutes and then I'm gonna check on her, check her oven situation, and then I'm gonna come right back there.
[Hitomi sighing]
Eric (as Hitomi): Okay. I'm gonna cry in your shit.
Julia (as Val): Okay.
[Brandon laughs]
Eric (as Hitomi): Okay.
Julia (as Val): There’s, like, tissues in the bathroom underneath the sink.
Eric (as Hitomi): I will. I’ll – but I’m wearing my boots. So, I know it crushes my tiny bird feet. So, like, it’s okay.
Julia (as Val): Okay. Good.
Eric (as Hitomi): So, I can kick.
Eric: You hear a kick of mailbox.
Amanda: Aww.
Julia: Adorable.
Eric (as Hitomi): Fuck.
Brandon: Does Hitomi think that oven problems is code for, like, some kind of genitalia-related sculpture issue?
Julia (as Val): No, my mother's oven acts up sometimes, Milo. Shut up.
[Brandon laughs]
Eric: Alright. Both, both are entirely plausible.
Amanda: Or like a kiln.
Julia: Yeah, her pottery oven. Sorry. Val wouldn't know the word kiln.
Eric: No, it's cool. So, you got – you saw the text from Aggie. You saw Milo. You can see, like, on Twitter. I'm sure, as you doom scrolling through, you can see, like, people posted photos with Kilonova.
Brandon: You just see a bunch of Instagram, like, videos of Milo – of Kilonova saying the worst catchphrases for 20 minutes.
Brandon (as Milo): Super heroes don’t vape, kids. The real spirit is my ghost powers.
[Brandon laughs]
Eric: But you also get this pin from Aggie who is saying what she's doing right now.
Julia (as Val): Okay.
Eric: Val, you hop of – off of SkyTram and I assume you're just sprinting to your mom’s house.
Julia (as Val): Oh, 100 percent. Dash, dash, dash.
Amanda: Dash.
Eric: Just dash, dash, dash, dash, dash. Just fucking sprinting. You are on the outskirts of the Lake Town houses. Like, there's a fence that you've just run through. It kind of like opens up, like, you're going to, like, a, a cottage neighborhood. And I think, at that time, then you, you get a phone call from Aunt Min.
Julia: Ugh. How much time has passed since her original ultimatum?
Eric: It's been like a half hour --
Julia: Okay.
Eric: -- with – just with getting there and as you finally run there. So, you still have some time to think this over. But Aunt Min is probably calling to check in.
Julia: Okay.
Eric: Like, devilishly, evilly check in.
[Everyone laughs]
Julia (as Val): I answer real quick like finger hovering over the end call button.
Eric (as Aunt Min): Oh, Val, I didn't see you there.
Julia (as Val): That's not how phones work.
[Everyone laughing]
Eric (as Aunt Min): Oh, oh, sorry. I always get confused. I just – I see the internet and technology is just one large dinner party we’re – we're all in. And it almost like you did come up behind me and I didn't understand.
Julia (as Val): You called me.
Eric (as Aunt Min): I did. Have you – you have 30 minutes left. You've seen the cost that you've put out there.
Julia (as Val): Yeah, thank you for trying to get me fired from a bunch of place and closing my favorite club. Appreciate it.
Eric (as Aunt Min): I didn't. These are things that happen when people know about the things that you do.
Julia (as Val): No. Okay.
Eric (as Aunt Min): I didn't do it. I simply gave it a push. Like, if you were at the top of a mountain like I have been --
[Brandon laughs]
Eric (as Aunt Min): -- and you push a boulder and then it gathers snow, and, and dirt, and mud, and sticks. And it just rolls in and destroys an entire village. That's you. You've destroyed an entire village in this way in this metaphor. Not actually, but you could.
[Brandon laughs]
Eric (as Aunt Min): And you can see the violence that you're causing here.
Julia (as Val): You know, I, I do find it really interesting.
Julia: And Val is just running as they have the conversation too.
[Everyone laughing]
Julia (as Val): You know, I do find it really interesting that you're deciding to take away the things that I love about my neighborhood when what you're trying to convince me of is that joining you is the best thing for my neighborhood. But, if you take away the things I love from my neighborhood, I'm not gonna have anything left to want to protect.
Eric (as Aunt Min): Leave. They might come back. I, I know some people you can together. It's not the neighborhood. The neighborhood still flourishes. This is whether or not you get to participate in, in them, Val. I hope you choose to participate.
Eric: End.
Julia (as Val): Great.
Eric: Let's go back to Aggie. Aggie, you're – you're huffing up the steps. Yeah. And you're coming up to the top floor. You throw the door open. And it's really windy up here because this is the tallest building in, like, many, many blocks. You see that there, there's a figure with a dark hoodie on and dark jeans, black shoes, and black, like, shiny shoes, which feels inappropriate for the time and who's holding just like – the only way to describe this is, like, a laser cannon, but it's not a laser cannon. It just looks like – if you envisioned laser cannon in your head, it’s like this is what it looks like. But there's like half of a rocket, like, sticking out of the front. It's like gray and red with, like, the black and white, like --
Amanda: And, like, Looney Tunes situation?
Eric: Yeah, like, checkerboard around it.
[Brandon laughs]
Amanda (as Aggie): As I am going up the stairs, I'd love to do a, a super power check here on anything I need to know about this building if there's, like, a secondary escape route. I just want to prevent this figure from leaving before I'm done with him.
Eric: Sure. Yeah, do another investigation check and same as before.
[Dice roll]
Amanda: Natural 20
Eric: Wooh!
Brandon: Wooh.
Julia: Wooh. Wooh.
Amanda (as Aggie): I would love to know if this building was random, or if someone chose us for a reason, and if there is any evidence on the building, on the roof, whatever as to, like, who this person is and where they came from.
Eric: Sure. The building was chosen because it had a really clear shot --
Amanda (as Aggie): Right.
Eric: -- of the diner. It was the tallest building for all of those reasons. You see that there, there's a ladder on the outside. It’s, like, a very tall fire escape and, like, because it's so windy up there, you see, like, something is catching the dust. You don't see it, but you see, like, the outline of it because the wind is pushing it. And you track it. And it's like there's an invisible rope tied from the figure’s ankle to the ladder. Like, if all goes to shit, it's like a bungee cord and he could just throw himself off of the building and be safe.
Amanda: Oh, god.
Eric: You also look and you see that there's a, a case where the, the weapon seems to be taken out of. You know, like, in sniper movies, how you have to take it apart and put it together.
Amanda: Sure.
Eric: And it's, like, really cinematic. But this is a rocket launcher. So, it's not like that. And you also see next to the case is a very large gold crucifix on a chain. And there's another chain under it that says like, “Mama Italia” in a swoopy gold font.
Amanda: Okay. Good to know. Aggie files that away and throws the door open and says --
Amanda (as Aggie): You know, I have a Twitter. You could have just tweeted me and I would have come.
Eric: They have voice modulator on. So, they're like --
Eric (as the figure): Listen, here's what you're gonna do. You're gonna stay right here. And, if you move at all, I'm gonna shoot you with this explosion thing and you're gonna die. So, don't move.
Eric: And the figure holds the weapon and is, is aiming at you.
Amanda (as Aggie): So,why don't we cut to the chase then? What do you want from me?
Eric (as the figure): Nothing. Just 30 minutes of your time. Wait here.
Amanda (as Aggie): That's an odd amount of time. Why 30 minutes? If we're gonna be here for half an hour, we should really get to know each other. It's, it’s windy. It's cold and really distract us from what's going on, you know.
Eric (as the figure): Shut up.
[Brandon laughs]
Eric (as the figure): No, that's not how this works at all. I can tell you things about you. You're Preserver. You, you fight crime and you really are getting under my last nerve. You're a thorn underneath the paw of, of a great lion that needs to stretch and be – and be free as if I were a panther or some other large cat. I don't – I don't have to tell you anything.
Eric: The figure loads the rocket into the cannon.
Amanda (as Aggie): Yeah. No, I'm just gonna somersaults out of the way. I'm gonna somersault at, like, a 45-degree angle and try to, like, veer and then – and then strike him.
Eric: Okay. Let's do it. Make a dexterity check for me or do – you can do acrobatics.
Amanda: Okay. I got five. I’m gonna use a luck point. Ugh, that's a one. That's worse. No.
Julia: No.
Brandon: Oh, no.
Eric: With a natural one, you do the somersault and he says --
Eric (as the figure): Suit yourself.
Eric: And shoots you at a very close range with this rocket. You feel it hit you first and then it explodes. And you're just engulfed in flames.
Amanda: I have 40 hit points left.
[Dice roll]
Brandon: That's a lot.
Julia: Oh, yeah. But I feel like rocket does a lot of damage too.
Eric: Take 28 points of fire damage.
Brandon: Ooh.
Amanda: Okay. I got 12 left. No one panic.
Eric: And I think, at that point, he also, like, makes a move to the other side of the building to, like, make distance from you as well because he knows you're fast. He says --
Eric (as the figure): What, what did I – I said stay there. Just stay there for 30 minutes, please. We're at 27 now.
Amanda (as Aggie): I'm gonna stay still at least for a moment and heal myself. So, I'll use four my eight available die.
[Dice roll]
Amanda: I got 20 hit points back.
Eric (as the figure): Okay. I don't like to go in because you didn't move. So, fine.
[Brandon laughs]
Eric: We're gonna cut back to Val. You're now at your mom's door.
Julia (as Val): I have a key. I let myself in.
Eric: All right,
[Brandon chuckles]
Eric: You let yourself in and your mom is currently doing pottery. This, this woman has three boobs, which is new.
Julia: Okay.
Eric: I think that she keeps moving the third one around to figure out the best place to put it.
Eric (as Val’s mom): Honey, come in. I tried to figure this out. It feels really traditional to put it right in the middle. Maybe it should go in the back. I don't know. It's a – who knows?
Julia (as Val): Mom, it looks great, but we got to go.
Eric (as Val’s mom): Oh, where are we going?
Julia (as Val): We're gonna go to my apartment.
Eric (as Val’s mom): Why?
Julia (as Val): Remember when dad would ask you to go places and you wouldn't really question it because, like, you know.
Eric (as Val’s mom): Yes. And that was your father.
Julia (as Val): Yes.
Eric (as Val’s mom): And I asked you I would never do that ever again. I would always know where I was going if someone took me there. Where are we going?
Julia (as Val): Well, I am telling you where we're going. We're going to my apartment.
Eric (as Val’s mom): And why?
Julia (as Val): For similar reasons to why dad would ask you to go to another place.
[Val’s mom sighing]
Julia (as Val): I know, I know. I know.
[Val’s mom sighs]
Eric (as Val’s mom): No.
Julia (as Val): Mom.
Eric (as Val’s mom): I’m not going.
Julia (as Val): Why not?
Eric (as Val’s mom): Because I'm tired of run – when someone comes in, and busts in, and says you got to go somewhere, it's never good. It's never good. And, for once, we're going to look at them in the face. We're not gonna stop. I don't care what you're involved in. You're gonna tell me everything later exactly the way that it is. And then we're going to take out the Mary statue and you're gonna say it to Mary too.
[Brandon and Amanda laugh]
Eric (as Val’s mom): But, first, we're not going anywhere.
Eric: Your mom goes over to the fridge and goes down into the crisper and pulls out one of those ice blue Tommy guns, and pulls two chairs, and puts it in the middle of her little house and says --
Eric (as Val’s mom): You sit in here. Here, have a cannoli.
Julia (as Val): Hey, Mom. Mom, why you got one of those?
Eric (as Val’s mom): If you're not gonna tell me why, I'm not gonna tell you why. Sit.
Julia (as Val): Can I ask where you got one of those?
Eric (as Val’s mom): Around.
Julia (as Val): Because I did tell you where.
Eric (as Val’s mom): Around. Sit.
Julia (as Val): Sit.
[Amanda and Brandon laugh]
Eric: 15 minutes, 20 minutes, 25 minutes go by. You have five minutes left. Nothing has happened at your mom's place. She's, like, a statue of a woman holding a tommy gun from 1922. She is just locked and steady towards the front door. She knows how to hold it too. It's like this is definitely not the first time that she's pulled this out.
Julia (as Val): I really hate this.
Eric (as Val’s mom): I do too. I need that space in the crisper.
[Brandon laughs]
Julia (as Val): I know. It's why we'd never have salads with our meals.
Eric (as Val’s mom): That’s true.
[Brandon laughing]
Julia (as Val): I'm sorry. I don't want to – I don't want to be doing this any more than you want to be doing this.
Eric (as Val’s mom): I know. I – same to you. Exactly the same to you. But I've done this before. So --
Julia (as Val): I know, but I didn't want you to have to do it again.
Eric (as Val’s mom): You know, whatever it is the reason why, they're always gonna know where you are. The thing that I figured out is whether or not you continue to say that this is a place you want to be. So, whatever your choice is, I assume that there's always a choice. Just decide that.
Eric: Val, your phone rings.
Julia (as Val): Yeah, I answered.
Eric: It's January. No, I'm just kidding. It’s not.
[Brandon laughs]
Amanda: Oh, no.
Julia: Fuck you.
Eric (as January): Hey, did you leave the VHS in the VHS player? I can’t get it out. I found a blockbuster tape. Is that bad?
Julia (as Val): Yeah, really bad. There’s no blockbusters in the city.
Eric (as January): Dr. Morrow is trying to genetically create blockbusters and I told her to stop.
Julia (as Val): Genetically?
[Eric and Brandon laughs]
Eric: And you wrap up your conversation with January.
[Brandon laughs]
Eric: And Aunt Min called you.
Julia (as Val): Yeah, I answered.
Eric (as Aunt Min): Only a minute left. What did you decide?
Julia (as Val): That my neighborhood is better with me protecting it on my own terms.
[Aunt Min takes a deep breath]
Eric (as Aunt Min): Good choice. Not the choice I would have chose or the one I like or the one that prevents, you know, you from getting killed and exploded, but good choice.
Julia (as Val): Yeah, I figure you’d, you’d think that.
Eric (as Aunt Min): Okay. Whatever you say.
Eric: Click.
Julia (as Val): See you at Easter.
[Brandon laughs]
Eric: Let's go back to Aggie really quickly.
Amanda: Mhmm.
Eric: Aggie, you're at the top of the building with the rocket that's trained on you. And you see that the figure gets a call. And then he picked up the phone and say --
Eric (as the figure): Yeah. So, what happened? Okay. Okay.
Eric: He hangs up the phone. They pull their hoodie off and take like a Bane style voice changer off their face and it Salimony.
Amanda (as Aggie): You motherfucker.
Eric (as Salimony): That's how they know me. Thirty minutes are up. You can go.
Eric: And he loads the rocket and fires it at you.
Amanda: Aggie falls backward off the building.
[Robotic sound starts]
Eric: Hell yeah. I'm gonna make an attack roll to see if it hits you. Make an acrobatics check to see how it goes.
Amanda: Okay.
[Brandon laughs]
Brandon: Come on, come on, come on, come on, come on.
Amanda: 22.
Julia: Yes.
Brandon: Ooh.
Eric: What is your AC?
Amanda: AC is 15.
Eric: Okay. You go to somersault off of the building and the rocket, like, flies forward. I think that there's a moment where it's nearly the Matrix, where you're falling off the building at the same time as the rocket goes past you and then explodes over you as you fall backwards off the building. You take 21 points of fire damage. So, here's how this works in Dungeons and Dragons. For every 10 feet you fall, you take one D6. This is the 10-storey building. So, I'm gonna roll 10 D6 here.
Amanda: Right.
Eric: And then we're gonna subtract your slowfall because you're a monk.
Brandon: How much did you take from fire damage?
Eric: 21.
Brandon: Oh, my god.
Eric: Okay.
Amanda: Good thing I healed myself before.
Julia: Oh, yeah, seriously.
Eric: All right. You take 39 points of damage from falling. How does your slowfall work?
Amanda: Slowfall is reducing my falling damage by my monk level times five, which just happens to be 40.
[Brandon laughs]
Amanda: So, Eric, can I get that point back up change?
Julia: Incredible.
Amanda: Or is it just not --
Eric: No, you don't.
Amanda: Okay.
Eric: No, you don't. Aggie, what does it look like – as you falling off of this building backwards, there’s an explosion above you --
Amanda (as Aggie): Yeah.
Eric: -- that singes your front. What does it look like with your 22 acrobatics – acrobatics roll?
Amanda (as Aggie): Alright. Well, I mean, if we're in Matrix time, I do want to give Salimony the middle finger as I go off the building.
[Brandon and Eric laugh]
Julia: Incredible.
Amanda (as Aggie): And then I'm going to just kind of do like a swan dive down and land in – can it just be like a dumpster full of old pillows or something?
[Brandon laughs]
Amanda (as Aggie): Like, they just upgraded all of the mattresses and stuff.
Eric: “Hey, Daddy, we got the new pillows in the new pillows. Oh, fuck yeah, the new pillows? Fuck these old pillows.” And toss, toss them out. And you land on the pillows. Tegan runs up to you and is like --
[Tegan breathless]
Eric (as Tegan): So, is this like a usual thing? Or is, is right – is this special? Like, I just want to know what it always was – prrr. Cool. Good job.
Amanda (as Aggie): This was worse than usual and you should not be around. Come on. Let's go. And I’ll hobble off toward wherever the car is that I rented. And I'll, I’ll drive them back to their hotel and not letting – not letting them go off wherever.
Eric: Wonderful.
[Robotic sounds end and music starts]
Eric: Kilonova, I think that you're in the Astros. Like, you see everyone's bowling for free. They threw on the black lights. And, like, all of these hipsters are buying you IPAs. And, yeah, Kilonova is just like downing a bowling ball with the glucose. He’s like, “Go, go, go.” You can see the, the Stormtrooper in the back. Like, someone has moved it to give you a thumbs up.
[Amanda and Brandon laugh]
Eric: And then we have this moment with Preservar driving Tegan home. And Tegan is asking you all of these questions and is, like, narrating what happened. He’s like --
Eric (as Tegan): And then there's the explosion. And then I was on the ground. And you were there. And you went up there and there was another explosion. It’s just incredible.
Eric: And you see Tegan is, like, animatedly telling the story to you, Preserver, as you're still smiling behind your Domino mask and your, your big ranger hat.
[Brandon laughs]
Eric (as Tegan): You know, after you saved my life, can I tell you something?
Amanda (as Aggie): Ah, yes?
Eric (as Tegan): You remind me of someone. I, I cannot put my finger on it.
Eric: Although they don't talk too much, they know what to say.
Amanda (as Aggie): Really? Because I talk all the time. I know it hasn't been like that so far in your interview. But, like --
[Brandon laughs]
Amanda (as Aggie): I just – I'm worried about being on, on the – on the record and, like, not representing the LT3 at all.
Eric (as Tegan): No. No, that’s fine.
Amanda (Aggie): So --
Eric (as Tegan): But, like, your, your – you know what you're talking about and you’re – and you're smart. And you're – you're dependable. And you just – you remind me of someone.
Amanda (as Aggie): Listen, if there's anybody as good as me out there, I would definitely be friends with her. So, you know, I, I appreciate that. Maybe they're in New York City. I'm sure, media people, you meet dependable professionals all the time.
Eric (as Tegan): Oh, no, no, no, no, I
got it.
Eric: And Tegan looks at you right in the eyes and says --
Eric (as Tegan): You're just like my cousin. I should call her.
[Everyone laugh]
Eric (as Tegan): Yo, my cousin – my cousin, Cheryl. You two would be such friends. She liked – she's a librarian. You’d love her.
Amanda (as Aggie): I love librarians.
Eric (as Tegan): Yeah.
Eric: Cut to Val. You’re sitting next to your mom, who gets up and puts the tommy gun back in the crisper drawer. And your mom sighs and says --
Eric (as Val’s mom): I think it's okay. I think – I think you're gonna be okay. I love you. This is the right decision.
Julia (as Val): I love you, too, ma.
Eric (as Val’s mom): I'm gonna put in a baked ziti. I made one yesterday. I made an extra one. And this is the perfect time to eat all of it.
[Brandon laughs]
Julia (as Val): That sounds great. I think the boob would look really cool on the back.
[Amanda laughs]
Eric (as Val’s mom): Oh, smart.
[Music fades out]
[Them Music]
Transcriptionist: Rachelle Rose Bacharo
Editor: Krizia Casil