The offices of AverageBear are on the 14th floor of a nondescript skyscraper in New York City’s Midtown, right around the corner from the high-speed rail. Not much changes on the 14th floor. Even when a piece of the company is bought by a mysterious VC company, you still gotta go create content like any other day. June forgot something back at the office. Rose did or did not date Tegan before. Todd is integrating across platforms.
Sponsors
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Find Us Online
- website: jointhepartypod.com
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Cast & Crew
- Dungeon Master, Co-Producer: Eric Silver
- Co-Host (Todd White), Co-Producer, Editor, Sound Designer, Composer: Brandon Grugle
- Co-Host (Juniper “June” Jade Johnson-Jones), Co-Producer: Amanda McLoughlin
- Co-Host (Rose Gold), Co-Producer, Editor: Julia Schifini
- Multitude: multitude.productions
About Us
Join the Party is a collaborative storytelling and roleplaying podcast, powered by the rules of Dungeons and Dragons. That means a group of friends create a story together, chapter by chapter, that takes us beyond the tabletop to parts unknown. In the first campaign, we explored fantasy adventure, intrigue, magic, and drama. In the newest story, we tackle science, superpowers, a better future, and the responsibility to help others.
Every month, we sit down for the Afterparty, where we break down our game and answer your questions about how to play D&D and other roleplaying games at home. We also have segments at the beginning of each campaign to teach people how to play the game themselves. It’s a party, and you’re invited! Find out more at jointhepartypod.com.
Transcript
Amanda: Last time on “Join the Party”…
[Intro music playing]
Eric: On the other end of the Time Loop, the LT3 regroup and meet with John Paul at [yells] JUICE. John Paul laid out everything he knew about Gutenberg, who was the guy helping him on the other side of the dark web, including Gutenberg’s personal website gutenberg.org/com. But, what used to be a sparse informational page was now a single video of Gutenberg, addressing and mocking the powered team. Gutenberg boasted that he was responsible for the one-up mushrooms flooding out onto the market, and declared that he hated Dr. Morrow ever since he met her as an intern at MoroCorp, where she didn't care about him at all, and he felt like Dr. Morrow was doing a bad job, whatever that means. He told everyone to watch their back and to just do better and menacingly alluded to Multitool needing a job to support both her and Tegan. The plot thickens in Laketown city, but we may be in deep water in New York City as well. Let's get the party started.
[Intro music ends]
Eric: In the comic book of “Join the Party,” Campaign 2— you know, I think it's time that we get like a different artist in, maybe a different writer just kind of like shaking up what's happening here. Like, when the superheroes have done superheroing, what else is there?
Amanda: We're leaving it on a real existential cliffhanger.
Eric: I don't know what you're talking about. Multitool has always been like this and is always like this.
[Julia and Brandon laugh]
Amanda: That’s what I say.
Brandon: The amount of wiggling you were doing while you were describing that is—has me worried there.
[Everyone laughs]
Eric: It’s true. Imagine I'm doing a shimmy, while I'm saying that.
[Bell music starts]
Eric: Well, I think that we can follow Tegan Murphy. As Tegan gets on the light rail—I feel like every panel, Tegan is at a different part of the light rail. Tegan is buying a ticket. Tegan is getting on the train, finding the right seat, putting in air pods to listen to their new favorite podcast, “Join the Party,” Campaign 1.
[Everyone laughs]
Eric: Tegan really loves Captain Alex, that’s canon.
Brandon: Who doesn't?
Eric: Yeah, absolutely. And, as Tegan rides in, I think like the, the the color that maybe that we're using, has changed. Like, I feel like there's a lot of brilliant primary colors, and it's very bright in like Laketown City. But now, like, it's gritty, and it's a little less saturated. Because we're back in New York City, baby! We are following Tegan as they go back to their job, at Average Bear. We turn the page, and now we're looking at one of those nondescript skyscrapers, that like you go to the 12th floor, and like, there's like a diamond business. And you go to the 14th floor, and someone's selling like really, really nice Ottomans.
[Everyone laughs]
Eric: And, the 16th floor is the offices of Average Bear, the media company/online newspaper/wonderful internet startup, in the world of “Join The Party.”
Brandon: Truly a one stop shop there, at that office building.
[Everyone laughs]
Eric: There's a lot of stuff in there. It's—there's a Home Depot on the first floor.
[Brandon laughs]
Amanda: Have they ever collabed on a diamond studded Ottoman?
Eric: No—I don't think you can acknowledge that other people are in the building.
Julia: No.
[Brandon laughs]
Eric: It's like, no, no, this is this is where I work. I don't make eye contact with anyone else in the building. I don't know what you're talking about. I feel like you know, like behind the secretary is like, a big neon sign of “Average Bear,” capital A, capital B. And then, like a cartoon bear paw print.
Amanda: Cute.
Julia: I'm picturing a high school mascot like situation for some reason [laughs].
Eric: But like, you know that they spent way too much money on the graphic design for it.
Julia: Mhm.
Eric: Like, that went through like 10 rounds of edits.
Brandon: I'm just realizing that it shortens to AB.
Eric: In the style guide for “Average Bear,” they say “Do not shorten it to AB!”
[Everyone laughs]
Eric: “That is confusing! Capital A, capital B, always.” And, I think we turn the page, and we get some illustrations of some worker key cards that are artistically strewn out on a table. And the first is Juniper J. Johnson Jones, assistant to the CEO. Who is that?
Amanda (as June): I mean, if you just look at my email signature, I put the, “to the,” in, like, eight-point font, so it kind of looks like I'm assistant CEO, which I basically am, when you think about it.
[Brandon and Eric laugh]
Eric: Oh, that's—Oh, who's that? Amanda, who are you playing?
Amanda: Hey, I am playing June Johnson Jones, and she is assistant to the CEO. She sits right outside the CEO’s office, makes the schedule, keeps the books, knows wait too much about what's happening in her bosses’ both personal and professional lives. And, when you really master someone else's schedule and, like, anticipating their demands, you know, and just like needing to make sure that only good stuff crosses their desk, I think it makes a lot of sense if you're a Rogue. So, that's, that's what I am.
[Everyone laughs]
Eric: So, what is your subclass?
Amanda: I'm mastermind subclass [laughs].
Eric: Of course.
Amanda (as June): Very good at lots of Rogue-related stuff, can sort of, like, copy other people's handwriting or speech patterns, if I have to impersonate, you know, somebody’s, ah, guardian on the phone to their school to excuse their absence, because they're actually interviewing for an internship. I can and have done that.
[Everyone laughs]
Eric: Perfect. Perfect. Below that, in the image of the key cards, we see a “Rosemarie Gold, beat reporter.” Now, who is—who is that in our party?
Julia (as Rose): That would be me, I'm Rosemarie “Rose” Gold.
[Eric laughs]
Julia (as Rose): And, I am the beat reporter, anything from, like, the latest fashion trends to what's going on with TikTok, to every restaurant in the tristate area that needs to close immediately—that's my beat.
Eric: You've ruined so many families in Connecticut's livelihood [Laughs].
Julia (as Rose): There's no other reason that they should have any other pizzerias except Pepe’s.
[Everyone laughs]
Julia (as Rose): And, all the chains? They're all terrible. You have to go to the original in New Haven. You just have to.
Eric: I don't know if you could tell, but that's our good friend Julia. Julia, what classes Rose?
Julia: Rose is a College of Lore, Bard. I finally convinced Eric to let someone play a Bard on his podcast.
Amanda: Hurray!!
[Eric and Brandon laugh]
Julia: And, she is just kind of like a jack of all trades. You know, she's very charismatic, very persuasive, and can either lift you up or cut you down with her words.
Amanda: Aww.
Eric: Mhm. Terrifying.
Julia: Mhm.
Eric: I'm afraid, as the dungeon master, you've made me—you've made me afraid.
Julia: Yay!
Eric: You—I went from zero fear, and then it was “Rosemarie Gold.” And now I'm One Fear.
[Amanda laughs]
Julia: Mhm. Good. Good.
Eric: And finally, it doesn't even look like there is in fact a photo. Maybe it's just a blank wall. I don't know. There's a, “Todd White, cross platform manager.”
Brandon (as Todd): Hello, This is Todd White.
[Everyone laughs]
Brandon (as Todd): I am—I am in fact, in the photo, if you look closely, you will see my outline of my face.
Eric: Oh, yeah, your shirt and your skin is the same color as the wall behind you. I don't know how you did that.
Brandon (as Todd): Yes, that is intentional. It's called fashion.
[Everyone laughs]
Julia (as Rose): It’s not!
Eric: No, it's not! Brandon, what is Todd White's class? Because, I'm so excited about this.
Brandon: Todd White is a warlock. He is a Book of the Tome warlock, and his tome is the corporate handbook. Um—[laughs].
Amanda: Yeah!!
Brandon: —of “Average Bear.”
Eric: Incredible. I think we decided that, although you are doing a Great Old One pact, we said that this was the pact of the manager.
Brandon: It’s the pact of the CEO, yeah, like he—
Eric: Oh, yeah.
Brandon: I picked the Great Old One, because in the text that said something akin to like, “The Great Old One may not even realize that you're [laughs] dedicated to them as a patron.” And, that makes sense as a middle manager, the most middlest of most managers to the CEO.
Julia: Yep, yeah.
Eric: Hey, Brandon, what is a cross platform do as a department at “Average Bear”?
Brandon (as Todd): [Mumbling] Well, see, like if you look at all the cross-platform stuff, we've seen that it's a cross platform if you go from platform A, to platform B and then it goes cross platform.
Eric: Oh, great. Okay.
Julia: That makes sense. Makes sense.
Eric: Yeah, absolutely. Wonderful. Well, we—as our entanglement’s here, I wanted to do something a little bit different, as we explore what is going on at Average Bear, back in NYC. And, we have three Level 3 characters as our party here, and let's—hey, look, why don't we just see, let's see what's going on in everyone's favorite media company? That definitely nothing, ah, nothing's happening there.
Brandon: Wow, that's awesome.
Julia: Just an average day at a media company, you know.
[Brandon laughs]
Brandon: It’s an average, Average Bear day…day. Average-average-bear-day-day-day. Nailed it.
[Everyone laughs]
Amanda: I feel like Wednesday's are, sort of like, there's something cool that goes on Wednesdays, cuz it’s like the most average day of the week. And, that's sort of, like, Average Bear’s whole thing, is like, playing off the average, even though they're quite exceptional, you know?
Eric: Yup.
Brandon: Is it Bagel Wednesday, but the bagels are just average?
Amanda: Hmm, I don't know if we're allowed to do that in New York City. I think they're all—
[Everyone laughs]
Julia: That’s true.
Eric: It’s above average—
Julia: No bad bagel in [laughs] New York.
Eric: Above-average Wednesday. Absolutely.
[City noises begin]
Eric: Cool. Well, how about I tell you a little bit about what's been going on, friends? As you've all been, you know, living your lives, seeing star reporter Tegan Murphy out on assignments in Laketown City, reporting on all the Supers out there. You know, y'all are just kind of living your lives. I mean, there, there really isn't as much of a superhero contingency in New York City. Yeah, some people are running around, saying that they're the new Daredevil or Batman, calling themselves, “Devil Man” and “Bat Devil”
Brandon: “—Bat Devil?” Yeah.
[Everyone laughs]
Eric: Yeah.
Julia (as Rose): Neither of them are original.
Brandon: [Dramatic voice] Dare Man!
Eric: [laughs] Dare Man’s different! That was a villain who makes you play Truth or Dare, and embarrasses yourself.
[Everyone laughs]
Julia (as Rose): I do like Dare Man, though. Very popular on the TikTok.
Amanda (as June): It's actually a label in my inbox where there's some men who just write in, and just like, dare us to do different things, and I just—I send the word “dare” literally to trash.
[Everyone laughs]
Eric: That's very good. I like that a lot. Well, here's what's been happening in your lives. Average Bear has gotten a very large investment from a VC company—venture capital, because media is inherently non-profitable, unfortunately, under capitalism—so, sometimes you need, ah, large amounts of money to keep your—your big thing going, even though it's incredibly important to have, you know, newspapers and media companies and stuff like that.
Amanda (as June): Some of the VCs, literally all they want is just to like come in for our free bagels and Danishes, and like here is—the here's the trick: they’re from Bagel Boss—
[Everyone laughs]
Amanda (as June): —I just put them on a China plate. That is all it takes, literally, for these people to just give you millions of dollars.
Julia (as Rose): You know what the messed-up thing is, as well? Like they're rich, they can just buy their own bagels. Why do they need—their money is going towards these bagels! They're not free!
Amanda (as June): You know what, Rose? They need a young woman in heels to bring it to them. That is how it works.
Julia (as Rose): June bug, you are so right.
Brandon (as Todd): Do you—did you—did you put the egg bagels in a separate bag for me this time?
Amanda (as June): Um, have you responded to any of the multiple email chains, where you should, in fact, owe deliverables but are never in fact going to deliver jack shit to me, Todd?
Brandon (as Todd): No, I have not, that is a fair—that is a fair assessment of the situation. Thank you for recognizing my place in this company.
Amanda (as June): Your bagels are on your desk, that was just a test of dominance and you passed.
[Everyone laughs]
Eric: Jesus Christ.
Julia: Can we just change these characters from now on? This is great.
[Amanda laughs]
Eric: I mean, apparently. That sounds great. Now I have two fears. [Laughing] Now, it is Rose and June. So the the VC company that has invested heavily in Average Bear is called Movable Type Capital—
Brandon: That's a good name. Genuinely good name.
Amanda: Yeah. It is.
Julia: Mhm. Mhm.
Eric: Hey, Brandon. Thanks.
[Everyone laughs]
Brandon: Wait, strike it—strike it from the episode so that we can make a company called that later [laughs].
Eric: Yeah, Movable Type. Rose and Todd have kind of worked in media for a little while. And, I mean, June knows everything, so you would know this anyway—VC companies, they invest in lots of stuff. And then they come in, they introduce themselves, with, again, some bad bagel spread, and they shake everyone's hands and say nothing is going to change. And then, inevitably, things change. But, they actually—nothing's really happened over the last few weeks. I would love to ask each of you in your respective places, working with the CEO, with all the writers and with all the managers, what's kind of the vibe from each of you of what's been going on with Movable Type?
Amanda (as June): You know, usually when there's a new VC company, or there's like a new corporate sponsor, or if we’re doing a collab, or if like Anna Wintour realizes that she really needs to get onto—in new media, there's all kinds of meetings, there's like, “Oh, you know, three months, we'll have this check in, we'll have, you know, a nice client dinner three months after that when they're realizing that they're not going to make any money from this investment, but it's really just a portfolio piece.” But, there has been nothing put on the calendar for the future. I wasn't invited to a lot of these meetings. And, normally I'd take notes, or else nobody would realize what was going on, because they get day drunk on mimosas. And, that has not happened. And it's just—it's strange. Some of the things that I would normally be booking for Q4—they're telling me to wait, and I don't really know why.
Eric: Sure. Hey, June—why don't you make an investigation check for me? [Chanting] First roll new character!
[Dice rolls]
Amanda (as June): That's an 8 + 7 for 15.
Eric: 8 + 7?
Amanda: Sure is. One of my proficiencies, baby!
Eric: Gee—gee whiz, you are—
Amanda: This is—this is mastermind rogues, it's looking at the stuff in front of you, and being like, “Hmm, let me surely figure out what that's going to mean.”
Eric: That is a dangerous expertise. Yeah, with a 15, exactly. I just want to introduce you to your CEO. Your CEO, his name is Scottsdale Silverleaf. But you call him Scotts.
Julia: Woah…
Brandon: Is he a giant Cthulhu-type monster that fell into the sky? Or is that just—am I making that up?
Eric: No. No, no, no, no. He's actually just kind of a white guy.
[Brandon and Eric laugh]
Amanda (as June): Honestly, it's even worse to realize that he's mediocre, than if I realized he was bad, you know? You’re in there, and you're like, literally, a team could do this job and probably do it better.
Eric: That's the thing, is that Scotts was a reporter for a while he was working as a crime reporter in Baltimore, and then he got fired from that, because turns out he was plagiarizing his own work.
[Julia laughs]
Eric: And then, he got into blogging and—oops, whoops! Now, he's the CEO of Average Bear in 202X.
[Everyone laughs]
Amanda (as June): #FailUpward.
Eric: Yeah. So, good reporter, bad management skills.
Brandon (as Todd): If I could follow along our CE—uh, Scotts directory in my career, that would be wonderful. But, I'm trying to work my way up the ladder, but it's not quite—not quite, quite [mumbling] happened yet.
Amanda (as June): Tragically, Todd, I think you just might.
Eric: [Laughs] Wonderful. Well, yeah, Todd, tell me—what, what do the managers think about the new VC funding?
Brandon (as Todd): Well, sir it's not really my job to question the higher ups and what they're doing—they have their, they know what they're doing. They have the roles, they have the money—they know what they're, they know what's better for the company. So, it’s just on me to take what they tell me and put it out on my employees. And then we, every year we get 3% growth and then everything’s fine.
Eric: Incredible. Make an insight check for me?
Julia: [Laughing] It’s so funny…
[Everyone laughs]
Amanda: Julia’s, fully crying.
Eric: It's the handwork, you can't see the handwork, but it’s—
[Everyone laughs]
Eric: —it’s very Tuna-esque.
Amanda: Yeah.
Eric: Like, it’s—
Amanda: Brandon’s really doing a PowerPoint presentation, even though the projector broke—
[Everyone laughs]
Amanda: —like, he’s like trying to make up for it.
Eric: Yeah.
[Dice rolls]
Brandon: I got a 6.
Eric: Great. Yeah, listen—
Julia: Those Brandon rolls…
Eric: You—you've worked in a bunch of places that’ve gotten VC stuff, and then everyone got laid off, but like you were fine.
Brandon (as Todd): Of course.
Eric: Like, managers usually stick around, and like everyone below, you gets laid off and you're like, “Whatever, man, you'll be fine.”
Brandon (as Todd): I am the one that does the 3% growth. Everything I do comes to funnels up towards me and I am the responsible, I am responsible everyone below me. So, I am the one that makes the money for the company. As long as I take the directions from down below into the middle, it's goes out, so it's like a [mumbling] out cross everybody and everybody trickle downs.
Eric: How do you read my notes? How did you—how did you get?
[Amanda and Julia laugh]
Amanda: It's really that inflation is Todd's job security, which I think is hilarious.
[Everyone laughs]
Eric: Rose, how are all the content creators, both like the people who are still making you know, quizzes and lists, and the people who are doing hard journalism, what's your vibe?
Julia (as Rose): We are quietly updating resumes, we are pitching like stories that we don't think our managers would want us to pitch, because we want to get the, like, hard, like, you know, growing the portfolio, so that when we inevitably get fired, because that's what always happens with these VC places, oh my God—we can at least you know, smooth our way into with that tweet being like, “hey, unfortunately, it was my last day at Average Bear today, and I am grateful for the opportunities but if anyone has any leads, let me know.” That kind of stuff.
Eric: No, absolutely. What do you make just as a flat charisma check for me?
Julia: Cool.
[Dice rolls]
Julia: Ooo. 15 + 3, for an 18.
Eric: Wonderful. You have heard around, and I think you've been hit up by this as well, a bunch of reporters who are reporting on media for Daily Bugle Online, have been kind of just like asking a bunch of content creators around Average Bear, if they want to go on the record about what the vibe is.
Julia: Hm. Interesting.
Eric: And, I think that you also have an email from like, rumors@dailybugleonline.com, being like, (as Daily Bugle reporter) Hey, Rose, long time, no talk. If there’s anything going on, you know, I'm always here for you, always willing to get a quote from one of my favorite writers. Loved how you shut down that terrible chain of pizza places, that had the same exact decor as that Laketown City.
Julia (as Rose): I know, that was very brave of me.
[Everyone laughs]
Julia (as Rose): Can you get Peter Parker on the line? (Normal voice) Like, sarcasm, lol, like afterwards—
[Everyone laughs]
Julia (as Rose): And then, maybe we'll talk.
Eric: Wonderful.
[Brandon laughs]
Eric: All right. On Friday, you all get a companywide email, saying that there’s going to be an open bar at the bar in the Chartreuse Hotel. It is open from one to four and is being put on by Movable Type Capital, to reward all of you for the good work and to kind of answer some questions that people have had. So, that Sunday, you can go on over to the bar, at the Chartreuse, and on their dime, drink it up.
Julia: Immediately when that email gets sent, June bug gets like 10 messages in a row on Slack being like, (as Rose) June? June? June? June bug? What time can we actually get there? What time does the bar actually open? Please, and thank you!
[Eric laughs]
Amanda (as June): I was not involved in planning this. I feel like one to four is the worst possible window to have an event on a brunch day. But, in any case, I am going to have to be there half an hour early with the corporate credit card. So, get there at like 25-of, and we can get our shots in.
Julia (as Rose) Thank you June bug!
Amanda (as June): And we might even have like an inner circle, you know, DM that’s just like the people who I want to know about like leftover food on the floor first. That's my inner circle.
Eric: Yeah, there's another assistant to the CFO. The CFOs name is Carlyle Carlyle. And—
[Everyone laughs]
Julia: Oh, God. How is that spelled? Explain it to me please.
Eric: C-A-R-L-Y-L-E, and then again.
[Everyone laughs]
Julia: Okay. I thought maybe it was two different spellings of Carlyle.
Eric: [Laughing] No, exactly the same. That's the CFO, and then the assistant to Carlyle Carlyle is Maisie Charlton Lee, who is an Asian woman, who has a very sick glasses.
Julia: Is Carlyle Carlyle also just a white dude?
Eric: Yeah, Carlyle Carlyle [laughing], he’s also—he’s also just white dude. But, you know he has blonde hair and Scottsdale has brown hair.
Julia: Okay, cool.
Eric: So you can tell them apart.
Amanda (as June): They want to use the word diversity to refer to that. And, I was like, Nope.
[Brandon laughs]
Eric: It was hair color diversity, yup.
Julia: Wooo!
Amanda: Nope!
Brandon: Eric, does this bar serve, like, 36 different kinds of Chartreuse?
Eric: Yeah, that's why they call it Chartreuse.
Brandon: Beautiful.
Eric: It's—the bar is called Chartreuse Chartreuse, at the Hotel Chartreuse.
Julia: Rose immediately goes, (as Rose) The last word is not going to be the last word. It's going to be my first and only drink of that night. And then, we're just going to keep having those that over and over and over again.
Eric: Fair. Is there anything you guys want to do before you go to the open bar?
Julia: You say that like Rose wasn't already at brunch?
[Everyone laughs]
Eric: Okay, so Rose was at brunch, does anyone else wanna [laughs]—in the area, does anyone else want to do anything before?
Brandon: Um, you don't really ever know what Todd has done before or after any moment in which you see him. So…
Eric: Sure [Laughs].
Julia: Truly horrifying.
Eric: Todd was just standing in a blank room with like, maybe there was a water fountain in it [laughs]. At any time before he was doing what he was doing.
Brandon: You kind of just assume he's sort of like in a weird kind of stasis between work hours.
Julia: He has a pod, yeah. Yeah.
Amanda: Um, June was doing a kickboxing class near the office. And, it would be more efficient to just change at the office versus going home to change before the event. So, she's going to go back up to her desk. Somehow she has like an entire H&M wardrobe, just like in her desk—
Eric: Sure. Sure.
Amanda: —and, pulls out something suitable, but I am just going to kind of cast around in my boss's office, like poke my head in under the pretense of making sure that like he brought his corporate card, and I just want to take a look at the desk or like his planner, or see if anything in between Friday morning when I set him up and now has been changed, particularly for the words “Movable Type”, or “MTVC.”
Eric: Yeah, that's no problem. I think that when you go back, and you—you're gonna go poke around in Scott's office, which you know it he has an open-door policy, but it's really only open to you.
Amanda: Mhm.
Eric: People should not go in when his door is not open.
Amanda (as June): His door is open. Mine is closed.
[Everyone laughs]
Eric: I don’t even know—I didn’t even know that was possible—[laughs]
Brandon: That’s a good line.
Amanda (as June): I am the pull to the door of the company, you know what I mean?
Eric: Oh, got it, got it, metaphorically.
Amanda (as June): Yeah.
Eric: So, you head up there, I think at noon, before—on Sunday, and the door is closed. So…
Amanda (as June): Hm. Can I lay my ear to it before trying to handle?
[Julia laughs]
Eric: Sure, why don't you make a perception check for me.
[Dice rolls]
Amanda: 12 + 3, also 15.
Eric: 15. There are voices inside, I think you can hear the muffled sound of Scotts’ transatlantic Exeter private school upbringing. But you also hear like a few different other voices, that I guess are like—it sounds low quality almost like you're you're hearing a bunch of people talk on a speakerphone.
Amanda: Sure. Ah, what to do, um… June is gonna grab her clothes, go change in the bathroom, not leave anything at the desk, like, not give the impression that I was ever there. And then, I'm just gonna wait in the bathroom until like 12:25, like the latest I can leave to still get there to put my card down for the bar tab. And, just wait to see if I hear anybody passing by the bathroom, to go to the door.
Eric: Great. Yeah, I think that as you're wait—you're waiting in there, you hear three people walk by the bathrooms and are heading out of the office.
Amanda: I'm going to walk out with my bag over my shoulder. (as June) Oh my god. Sorry. I didn't expect anybody to be here. I was changing after my workout. Hey.
Eric: As you—you walk out, you see that there are three people wearing like very, very nice-looking jeans and sweatshirts. Like, the sweatshirts are so new, and like they're made out of a material that you shouldn't make sweatshirts at them.
Amanda: Mhm.
Eric: Like, who made a silk sweatshirt? With like a cowl neck on it?
Amanda: Yeah.
Eric: It's all like, cream colored, or like wheat sweatshirts. and like incredibly, incredibly sharp and crunchy denim jeans, and like that one sneaker that apparently everyone thinks is a rich person's sneaker? That like also looks like a moon rock a little bit.
Amanda: Yep.
Julia: Mhm.
Eric: They're like moon rock sneakers. Yeah, and the three people you see are all kind of like in their in their late 30s to 50s. They all have, like, very nice-looking skin maybe pulled pretty taut across their faces. There is one tall white man, one slightly shorter South Asian man and one very short, Black woman.
Amanda (as June): Hi, I am—I'm June—sorry, I'm Scott's assistant.
Eric: Oh, the South Asian man reached to hold his hand out to be like, (as the South Asian man) Archie Vallemont. I'm seeing your—I'm seeing your partner at Movable Type Capital. I didn't get a chance to meet everyone. It is so nice to meet you…?
Amanda (as June): June.
Eric (as Archie): June.
Amanda (as June): Yeah.
Eric (as Archie): And, he grabs your hand and shakes firmly, confidently.
Amanda: June has an extraordinary handshake [laughs].
Eric: I can only imagine—
Amanda: Can I roll intimidation with my handshake, please?
Eric: Absolutely.
[Dice rolls]
Amanda: 13 + 4, for 17.
[Eric laughs]
Julia: Dang…
Eric: Let's see, let me roll for intimidation with a handshake—
[Dice rolls]
Eric: Ah, well, I roll—I did roll an 18—
Amanda: Ah, fuck
Eric: —unfortunately. So, he—
Amanda (as June): That's okay, that's also a power move. Because, men don't like to know that your handshake is stronger than theirs. So, you just sometimes have to, like, step back a little bit—
[Eric laughs]
Amanda (as June): —like in the elevator, if I'm taller than somebody, I will slouch a little bit just because sometimes on the off chance that, you know, they find that a power move, like it is actually a power move to like, make your own power move. So.
[Brandon laughs]
Eric: [Laughs] Thank you, June, for telling me how the roll is actually good for you.
Amanda (as June): That's managing upward!!
[Everyone laughs]
Eric: And Archie says, (as Archie) Well, you know, we have to take—we're gonna have to go we need to take—head out to the Chartreuse Chartreuse. But we’ll—I will catch you later. Make sure—did you put a question in, in, the in the Q&A that we're gonna do later?
Amanda (as June): I'm actually moderating the Q&A, but I'm coming with you. So, I'll walk you down. I have the corporate card. So…
Eric: Make a deception check, because you are 100% not moderating the Q&A.
[Dice rolls]
Amanda: 18.
Eric: Okay, yeah, (as Archie) You're moderating the Q&A? Oh!
[Brandon laughs]
Julia: Congratulations on your role.
Eric (as Archie): I did not, um, that's so nice. Thank you for moderating the Q&A. I hope that that doesn't keep you from having fun, on our dime. (Normal voice) And all three of them, all laugh together.
Brandon: Is it in sync? Like oddly in sync?
Eric: Yeah, yeah, they all laugh at the same time.
Brandon: That's creepy as fuck. All right.
Amanda: I'm gonna laugh along, and I just want to shake the other two partners hands as well. Are they all partners in the firm?
Eric: Yes, the Black woman and the white man both shake your hand, and Archie says (as Archie) You're gonna get a chance to meet them later, they're all senior partners, so they're gonna they're gonna be there during the during the Q&A, don't worry.
Amanda (as June): Great. Let's go to the elevator. (Normal voice) I'm going to, like, not let them go ahead of me, I’m going to usher them down.
Eric: From their office, Scotts says (as Scotts) June! June, Leave them alone. Down! Down! Heel!
Amanda (as June): It's a fun game we play, where he thinks he can tell me what to do. Okay, I'll see you guys later.
[Everyone laughs]
Eric (as Scotts): You can go, just go with them. But leave them alone.
Amanda (as June): Okay, Scotts.
Eric: Yeah. You head down to the elevator and head to Chartreuse Chartreuse.
Amanda: Yeah, I just want to make a little small talk, like, put them at ease. You don't have to you know, go through it.
Eric: Yeah. Be like, uh, (as Archie) So how do you like New York?
Amanda (as June): Oh, I've lived here all my life. How do you—how do you like it? Are you guys based here? Are you based in out west? I sense a glow about you. So, maybe not in this concrete jungle?
Eric: All three of them smile and say, (as Archie) oh, you know, we're all from around everywhere.
Amanda (as June): Oh, okay. That’s unspecific.
[Eric laughs]
Brandon: Do you slouch down at all in the elevator?
Amanda: I think everybody is firmly taller than me. June is like 5’2” in sneakers.
Eric: Perfect. Wonderful. [Laughing] And then like, no other meaningful small talk happened. They just smile and then, like, it's silent in the elevator.
[Everyone laughs]
Brandon: I'm getting hives just thinking about it.
Eric: Yeah.
Amanda (as June): Like power clashing, there is such a thing as power silence, where refusing to fill the silence is really a power move of its own.
Eric: Mhm.
Amanda (as June): Cuz it's like, if you feel anxious to fill the silence, then it's like you're not winning the silence.
Eric: Right, of course. So yeah, you follow them. And, you guys walk a few blocks over to the Hotel Chartreuse, and the bar, Chartreuse Chartreuse. And, like, it's already on—Rose and Todd, you guys are already there, and all of your coworkers are there.
[Bar noises start]
Eric: It is fully and truly an open bar. Some of your coworkers are already taking shots, even though it is 1:05pm on a Sunday. And I think that there's like, you know, the low hum of indie music being played through the Spotify playlist, at the Chartreuse Chartreuse. Everything is like, you know, like, fake nice in there. Like, it could be leather, but it's fake leather. Like, this could be real wood. But then you touch into like, and it’s like, oh, this isn't real wood. And like, there isn't really anything anywhere nice to sit. But, there is like an outdoor patio area. It's big enough that you can find a place to talk to someone about business deals, or celebrity sightings, or whatever you do at a hotel bar. But, it is firmly open and all of your coworkers are bopping around.
Julia: I think Rose immediately like grabs a shot and brings it over to June and is like, (as Rose) June bug, you're late, which is like, not like you at all—what happened?
Amanda (as June): Ah, yeah, I got waylaid by the VC people coming out of Scotts’ office. And, it was a little bit creepy. They—the lead dude kind of spoke for all of them, which I never like. And, I just don't really know what their deal is. Also, they're paying for this. I thought we were paying for this. It's just that, it's not bad, but it's like, whoa, no one told me and that's very unusual.
Julia (as Rose): Well, like, their money is our money, right? Like, they are giving us money to buy them drinks? That's how they always do it with the bagels, and whatever.
Amanda (as June): That's really true. That's really like a metaphor, when you think about it.
Julia (as Rose): It is…
Amanda (as June): Maybe…listen, I know it's not really my place. May I give you a content idea, Rose? I know you're no Sunday. I know you're off.
Julia (as Rose): Oh my god. June, you know I love when you give me content ideas.
Amanda (as June): What if you use, like, different situations of, like, buying people drinks or having drinks bought for you as like an explanation of different monetary systems? Because, honestly, that's really a metaphor for capitalism, when you think about that.
Julia (as Rose): I really like that. I'm going to pitch it to Taylor and see what they say. But, I think that would be a really good idea.
Brandon: As soon as the VCs walk in, Todd makes a beeline over to the closest one, which I assume is Archie, who's leading. Because it's slightly louder in the bar, Todd says, (as Todd) Hello, my name is Todd, I would like to buy you a drink.
Eric: [Laughs] Archie shakes your hand firmly, and say, (as Archie) Haha! We're already doing that for you.
Brandon (as Todd): I—this is a gesture—I guess, this is a gesture of appreciation for the hard work you put into us [rambles off, unintelligible]. But, I've refused your gift and I give you a gift. And it's like a thing that we refuse to each other. And then, it goes back and forth, back and forth, back and forth. And then, here's a Budweiser! (Back to normal voice) And I hand them my Budweiser.
[Everyone laughs]
Eric: Incredible.
Julia: The one you’ve already drank?
[Brandon laughs]
Eric: Incredible. You feel a firm hand on your shoulder. And, you look back and it is, in fact, the CFO Carlyle Carlyle, who has like real Chuck Bass vibes.
Julia: Mmm…
Eric: Like, it feels like a British person is doing an American accent?
[Amanda laughs]
Eric: But, this person is firmly American, and like, he's always wearing velvet. He says, (as Carlyle) Todd, please stop talking to the VC people, and I have, uh, I have an errand I need you to run. Come with me.
Brandon (as Todd): Yes, sir. I will—I will walk with you.
Eric: Carlyle Carlyle pulls you over to an overstuffed leather chair that he sits down in [laughs].
[Everyone laughs]
Brandon: Todd tries to, like, find a place to get comfortable sort of like tries to sit on the arm for a second, and then, like, [laughs] leans into a corner, it doesn't quite work so he just kind of like stands directly in front of Carlyle.
[Everyone laughs]
Eric (as Carlyle): Todd, you've always been someone that we can rely on—
Brandon (as Todd): Thank you sir that means a lot to hear.
Eric (as Carlyle): [Pauses] Of course. I'm…no one, if I don't give everyone compliments. You’re face—
Brandon (as Todd): That's how I feel about my employees too.
Eric (as Carlyle): Fine. Okay. So, what I—what I really—I need you to know, I'm looking around, I don't see everyone here who I was expecting to see. Can you check in on the status of Tegan Murphy for me?
Brandon (as Todd): They are not under my jurisdiction, but I can definitely put something—
Eric (as Carlyle): No, no, I understand that, but, you know, if you're doing something on a weekend, you know all the rules don't really apply. And, I think it would look bad if our—if our friends from Movable Type didn't see our star reporter here at the Average Bear, uh, Sunday brunch open bar retreat. Can you do that for me, Todd?
Brandon (as Todd): Sir, I understand the conundrum that you are under, and I will take it upon myself to fix this conundrum for you.
Eric (as Carlyle): [Pauses] Todd, I've always known—and no matter what everyone says, about how you're kind of just like useless scum that floats around—
[Everyone laughs]
Eric (as Carlyle): —on top of a pond, from place to place, like an errant lily pad in the wind. I've never said that about about you.
[Brandon laughs]
Julia: Oh my God…
Eric (as Carlyle): Todd—and, I want you to know how important it is that you do this. And, um, it might spell— your fortunes might change, like the wind pushing you, pond scum, across the pond.
[Amanda laughs]
Eric (as Carlyle): Your—your pond scum, Todd.
Brandon: Eric, can I cast the cantrip Friends on this guy?
Eric: [Laughs] Yeah, sure.
Brandon: Todd has a, you might say, magical ability for the higher-ups to suddenly realize how charismatic and friendly he is.
[Julia laughs]
Eric: Sure.
Brandon: I want to roll a charisma check, and try to charm the pants off Carlyle, as I agree to his terms.
Amanda: Is it that sort of ineffable, “you remind me of me,” like an executive to, like, any, any, like, White dude—
Brandon: Other White dude?
Amanda: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Eric: No, I think that's great. Oh, you just have advantage on charisma—
Brandon: Yeah, I have advantage on charisma checks. So, I want to roll a charisma check, as I reach to shake Carlyle's hand.
Eric: Yeah, sure.
[Dice rolls]
[Brandon laughs]
Brandon: Well, I rolled a six and a seven.
Eric: Great.
Julia: Oh my god, Brandon…
Brandon: Plus, what do I have for charisma…3. So, 10. So, Todd reaches out his hand, and says (as Todd) Yes, sir. I will do—I will do this, sir.
Eric (as Carlyle): Just don't mess it—don't mess this up, Todd.
Brandon (as Todd): I will never mess anything up. Todd. My name is Todd.
Eric (as Carlyle): Okay.
[Amanda and Julia laugh]
Eric (imitating Todd): If you want to call me Tim, you can call me Tim. It’s fine.
[Brandon laughs]
Brandon: So, my feat is Observant.
Eric: Yeah.
Brandon: So, I am quick to notice details in my environment. I can see when a person or creature’s mouth is speaking, and I can interpret their words by reading their lips. So, I am going to look across the party and just see if anyone is mentioning Tegan, anyone's mentioning like, late or like, “Where are they?” or whatever it is, you know?
Eric: Yeah, I think that's definitely fair. I think that a few people are like, “Yeah, well, we're all here and it's nice. This is all free, but like, Tegan's not here. That's—that's wild.” Tegan's trademark teal blue leather jacket is nowhere to be seen. And, I think some of the—people are talking about it.
Brandon: Yeah, everyone's just mentioning like, “Where's Tegan?” and “That's odd,” kind of thing.
Eric: Yeah, I think that like Tegan is definitely the star reporter at this place. You know, for some reason, just from the beat that they have, because they're on the superhero beat. They're like, wow, they have such a cool job. And, everyone's like promoting their stuff. And, I love their profile that they just released. And it's wild that Tegan’s not here. I thought we were all supposed to be here. Like, I thought Laketown City, you can just pop over on the light rail, and you'd be here by now.
Brandon: Interesting.
Julia (as Rose): Well, classic Tegan you know, they go to a new city, and then they're too good for the rest of us.
[Brandon laughs]
Amanda (as June): I think, in myself, I'm just jealous that I don't have a signature look. And really, I think that's a pretty big failing for me in my profession at this point.
Julia (as Rose): But why get locked down into one look, you know? Like, I look great in this blue and black leopard print skirt—
Amanda (as June): You do.
Julia (as Rose): —and I'm gonna change it out for something that's strawberry pattern tomorrow.
Amanda (as June): I think it works for you. I just really respect the confidence of, you don't have you notice anything about my physical form, except that it's me. You know what I mean?
Julia (as Rose): [Pauses] No.
[Eric laughs]
Amanda (as June): Okay, that’s all right. [Normal voice] And we cheers another shot.
Brandon: Oh my God. That was wonderful.
Eric: Incredible. Yeah, so that's what you see [Laughs]. Todd, that's what you see.
Brandon: So if anyone is curious, that is how, the Observant feat is how Todd keeps tabs on his employees.
Eric: Yeah.
Julia: I hate that.
Eric: Everyone, like their other characters, are very human. So everyone has a feat.
Brandon: Yes. Todd also has this thing called Awakened Mind which means I can, quote unquote, telepathically speak to any creature I see within 30-feet, but what that means is that Todd has a very good manager stare.
[Eric laughs]
Amanda: Uhuh.
Brandon: So, Todd's going to look over June and Rose, and just stare at them until they notice.
Julia (as Rose): Todd’s doing that thing again. June? June? Make him stop, make him stop, June. I'm not gonna look at him, not gonna make eye contact with him again.
Amanda: Very deliberately, June like sets down her shot glass like fixes her romper like you know, make sure that the jumpsuit’s all-in place.
Eric: [Laughs] Yeah.
Amanda: And then, just, without looking, like, crooks a finger over her shoulder at Todd toward herself to like, summon him over.
Brandon: And Todd shuffles over.
Eric: That is one of Todd's warlock evocations. Todd can't just like fucking do that.
[Everyone laughs]
Brandon: Right, yeah, yeah. And, Todd's gonna say (as Todd) June, I need your help.
Amanda (as June): W-what is it?
Brandon (as Todd): Carlisle has asked me to find Tegan, and I don't know where to look. I am—they are not in my vertical, I don't know that they’re outside of your vertical, I don't—I don't think they're in either verticals, but everything is your vertical, it seems like, but everything is also my vertical, but also it's not my vertical… Rose?
Julia (as Rose): I can just text them.
Brandon (as Todd): That would be lovely. Thank you.
Amanda (as June): Do that. But, um, Todd, Carlisle asked you specifically to find work Tegan is? Or like, everyone who's late?
Brandon (as Todd): Tegan, specifically. And to be clear, I am going to take credit for this.
[Eric laughs]
Julia (as Rose): For finding Tegan? Sure, Todd—
Amanda (as June): Oh, Todd…
Julia (as Rose): —you can take credit for that.
Brandon (as Todd): Thank you. Thank you.
Amanda (as June): Todd, you know that creepy thing you do where you just like watch other people talk and then respond to their conversations as if you were in them from the beginning?
Brandon (as Todd): Yes I do.
Amanda (as June): Can we—can we just do a little trade here? You can have that—that Tegan credit from Rose and me, you know, clear and fair. Can you look out for anyone talking about like bankruptcy or danger? Particularly the VC people? They're the ones whose skin looked good.
Brandon (as Todd): Yes I can.
Amanda (as June): Okay, just like, give me—give me your little stare, whenever you see that happen.
Brandon (as Todd): Okay, like this?
Amanda (as June): [One Beat] Yeah, Todd.
[Eric laughs]
Amanda (as June): Yeah. (Normal voice) And I return it, un-blinking.
[Brandon laughs]
Eric: Terrifying.
Julia: Rose’s making a big deal about having to text Tegan, because they'd be like, (as Rose) I've really haven't texted them like since we broke up. (Normal voice) But, like, when she opens her phone up, it's just walls of text, like—
[Everyone laughs]
Eric: Um, one of your co-writers next to you, who’s a white woman with very frizzy red hair, whose name is Khaleesi Sanders, who was named Khaleesi because their parents liked when the Game of Thrones novels came out. And, that's how it all fits. They say, (as Khaleesi) Rose, please don't text them again. Please, don't.
Julia (as Rose): I'm doing it for Todd! Stop it, Khaleesi! You take that dragon borne energy and you go somewhere else, okay?
Eric (as Khaleesi): That's not even—that's not even what happened in the novels!
Julia (as Rose): Okay. No one cares.
Amanda (as June): Rose. I think you might be self-destructing a little bit. Let me text them. I have the—I have the pretense, you know, save up your social capital for when you like really have a late-night situation.
Julia (as Rose): I always have a late-night situation.
Amanda (as June): Okay—
Eric (as Khaleesi): Terrible, I hate this, I hate it.
Amanda (as June): [Overlapping] We’re still colleagues.
[Everyone laughs]
Julia (as Rose): There's booze.
Eric (as Khalessi): This is why we need a union. So, we don't have to talk about things like this on a Sunday.
Amanda: Every worker under middle management like raises their glass suddenly like, yeah,
Eric: Yeah, like, can we—can we just do this?
Amanda: If you're down like, yeah. June is just gonna text Tegan real quick, and be like, (as June) Hey, higher ups are asking about you, specifically, for some reason?? Are you planning to come? Know that I have your back if you weren't.
Eric: Tegan says, (as Tegan) Yeah, I'm on the train. It got held—it got held up, there was a cow in—on the tracks.
Amanda (as June): Oh, Jesus.
Eric (as Tegan): Yeah. But, like, tell them no, tell them I'm not coming.
Amanda (as June): I literally don't think I could do that and leave here with a job.
Eric (as Tegan): Why is someone asking you about where I’m at?
Amanda (as June): You know, all the shit rolls downhill directly onto my desk, right?
Eric (as Tegan): Yeah, I know, that's a good point. That's a good point. Tell them I'm just running late, it’s fine.
Amanda (as June): Obvi I want to see you, too. And, I'll make sure I put some drinks on the bar tab for you.
Eric (as Tegan): Oh, yeah, no, I'll try to get there, I'm just running late.
Amanda: I’ll end with a little react heart and pass on the information to Todd and Rose.
Julia (as Rose): A heart? So—so personal.
Amanda (as June): It’s a friendship heart, Rose, we've been over this!
Julia (as Rose): I just feels like the thumbs up, it seems a little bit more your speed, June, that's all I'm saying.
Amanda (as June): It's cold. And like as a person who is cold, I have to make sure that I sort of overcorrect for kindness. We know this about each other.
Julia (as Rose): Mm. Mm.
Brandon (as Todd): That is what I also do on my text messages.
Amanda (as June): Just all thumbs up? Yeah, that tracks, Todd.
Eric: [Laughs] Khalessi says, (as Khalessi) Todd, I'm not paid enough to talk to you on a Sunday. Please go away.
[Brandon laughs]
Amanda (as June): You can tell Carlyle that they're on their way, okay?
Brandon (as Todd): Okay, do we have an ETA, did they give you an ETA?
Amanda (as June): No.
Brandon (as Todd): Okay.
Amanda (as June): It's a power move, an ETA makes you weak.
Brandon (as Todd): Uh…I'm going to make up ETA.
[Eric laughs]
Amanda (as June): Go with God, Todd.
[Eric laughs]
Julia (as Rose): [Sighs]
Brandon (as Todd): Thank you. This has been a wonderful interaction, and I—and I look forward to our future interactions in the office workplace.
Amanda (as June): Okay.
Brandon: And, Todd turns around and shuffles back over to the like, arm chair area.
Eric: Great.
Julia (as Rose): Did you see that he was drinking a Bud Light before?
Amanda (as June): Oh my God…
Brandon: It was a Budweiser, thank you very much. Todd drinks one drink. [Laughs]
Julia (as Rose): A Budweiser?
[Everyone laughs]
Amanda (as June): Oh my god. Is that retro? Or is it, like, ahead of the curve? It's hard to tell with him…
Brandon (as Todd): He was drinking in 1932. And now—[Laughs]
Julia: Who knows how old Todd! Older than the company!
Eric: Todd's also a vampire. [Brandon laughs] Surprise reveal! You bring that information back to Carlyle.
Brandon: Basically Todd's just gonna walk over to Carlyle and say, (as Todd) Tegan’s on their way. Probably 25 minutes. At maximum.
Eric (as Carlyle): 25 minutes—? Wonderful. (Normal voice) Do you want to make, uh… yeah, making deception check for me, because that's a lie. That’s blatantly a lie.
Brandon: Yes. Luckily, your boy Todd has a + 5 deception.
[Everyone laughs]
Eric: All right. Let's see what happens.
[Dice rolls]
[Brandon laughs]
Amanda: Nat-1?
Brandon: No, 3 + 5, for 8.
Julia: Oo, boy!
Amanda: Oh bud…
Brandon: What’s wrong with these dice today?!
Eric: Carlyle looks at you, like hard in the eyes and says, (as Carlyle) Are you sure, Tom?
Brandon (as Todd): [Long pause] Uh…
Amanda: Rose and I are just watching this go down, tipping our drinks. Yeah.
Julia (as Rose): How embarrassing.
Eric: So, with friends you have—you get advantage on charisma checks.
Julia: So, did that count as a charisma check?
Eric: It wasn’t—it wasn't a deception? Isn’t deception, charisma?
Amanda: Yeah.
Julia: Brando, reroll that bad boy.
Eric: Yeah. So, you still have friends on Carlyle, so you get advantage.
Brandon: Oh! Well, let's reroll that bad boy, then.
Eric: Yeah, I'll tell you right now. Carlyle got a 16 on insight on you. So, you got to beat it—you gotta beat a 16.
[Dice rolls]
Brandon: That’s a 14, didn't do it. Um… [laughs] great.
Amanda: That’s a bummer.
Brandon: I'm gonna have to…
Julia: No, you know what? I think Rose from over across the room goes, (as Rose) Todd, I believe in you, I guess. (Normal voice) And, gives you a Bardic inspiration.
[Brandon laughs]
Eric: Incredible.
Amanda: Yes!
[Dice rolls]
Brandon: What is that, a D-4?
Julia: It’s a D-6.
Brandon: A D-6?
Amanda: Oh, Bard. Eric. They're breaking the game…
Eric: I know, why would the bards do that for me?
Amanda: What is Chad say?
Brandon: That's a 5!
Amanda and Julia: Yay!
Eric: Wonderful. All right. What I love about this, is that your blatantly lying, and, like, he'll just find out in 30 minutes [Laughing], lying or not.
Brandon: Well, Eric, this is what middle management is about. They give you results. It doesn't matter if the results are correct [Laughs]
Eric: Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, I think that Carlyle says things like, (as Carlyle) Are you sure, Todd?
Brandon (as Todd): Uh…yes, sir. I am sure.
Eric (as Carlyle): All right. Thank you. Maybe, uh, maybe you're not pond scum. Maybe you're like one of those…rat—one of those frogs, that, uh, jump on top of the pond scum.
Brandon (as Todd): Thank you sir. I used to, ah, I used to have an amphibian when I was a child, and I took good care of it, and their name was Henry, and I found them in a lake and then—thank you, sir, this has been a wonderful, um…um—
Eric (as Carlyle): Interaction is the word you're looking for, Todd.
Brandon (as Todd): Interaction of trust and and—and I look forward to, ah…
Eric: Carlyle walks away from you.
[Everyone laughs]
Amanda: Honestly, one of the better outcomes possible.
Eric: Incredible.
Brandon (as Todd): [Rushed] –interaction and trust within the office space!
Eric: Incredible.
[Bar noise fades out]
[Transition music]
Eric: Hey, is Eric. I want to take a second to talk about ice cream. Ice cream is delicious, it's a wonderful cold treats. Whether we're talking about soft serve, or hard serve, whether you're going to an actual ice cream store, or you're buying it in the grocery store—I have to say there's like an in-grocery store ice cream Renaissance happening right now. You can buy any type of ice cream that you want anywhere from Halo Top to the most decadent Ben and Jerry's, and so much in between, like shout out to Jenny's Ice Cream from the Midwest, shout out to Stony Field and Yasuo for giving me that Greek yogurt/frozen yogurt stuff. Ice cream is everywhere. Have some frozen sweet treat. Welcome to the midroll. I got you mint chocolate chip cookie, but it's vegan so you can eat it.
Firstly, welcome to everyone who joined the Patreon in the last week: Alex A, Maria, Emily, William, and Justin. It is an incredible joy that our full-time jobs involve playing Dungeons and Dragons, and we can only do that because of our patrons. I know I kind of went off, and accidently made “Join the Party” into a weekly podcast there for a while, but you guys all had our back, and I really appreciate that. You make room in your budgets, and it’s really sweet. So, if you want to support “Join the Party,” get access to all kinds of excellent bonus content, and join the best place on the internet—our Patron-only Discord—you can do that for as little as $5 at patreon.com/jointhepartypod.
Hey, have you checked out the other shows that are a part of the Multitude collective? I think you'd like “Exolore”! I know that you love world-building, but have you ever wondered what life would be like on a planet that's different from our own? Or, how writers, not just DM’s, create your favorite fictional worlds? Well, Astrophysicist/folklorist Moiya McTier explores fictional worlds by building them with a panel of expert guests, interviewing professional worldbuilders, or reviewing the merits of worlds that have already been built. You'll learn, you'll laugh, and you'll gain an appreciation for how special our planet really is, and how weird it would be to live on a different planet. Moiya’s also, like, the smartest goddamn person I know. So, you need to listen to the show. Subscribe today by searching Exolore in your podcast app, or go to exolorepod.com!
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[Transition music]
Eric: Maybe, like, 10/15 minutes later, people are milling around. And Archie, the VC guy from before, goes up to the front of everyone and says, (as Archie) Oh, hey, can I just get everyone's attention, please? Can I everyone's attention. Hi, nice to meet you. I am Archie Valmont, I'm a senior partner here at Movable Type, and I just wanted to talk to all of you, give you a chance to introduce ourselves hear with the other senior partners (Normal voice) as he gestures to the tall white man and the short black woman, and then they’re like, (as Archie), All right, well, we're gonna get a chance to do a q&a. I know you've all been sending your questions in, and I'm really excited to tell you a little bit more about Movable Type. (Normal voice) Now, I want everyone to roll initiative.
Brandon: What??
Amanda: Oh…
Julia: Oh boy, here we go.
Amanda: What??
[Dice rolls]
Julia: 3 for ya girl.
Eric: Nice.
Brandon: Oh, wow, I did better than Julia, at least. I got 5.
Amanda: I got 26, I have +7 to initiative.
Eric: Right, you have the feat where you get +5 to initiative, right—
Brandon: Holy shit. What is that feat?
Amanda: I do. Yeah, it's the alert feat, which means I can't be surprised and that hidden attackers don't get advantage on me.
Eric: Yeah.
Amanda: June’s back is always to the wall.
Eric: Yep. 100%.
Brandon: I know it means like, you can't be surprised, like physically surprised by anything.
[Amanda laughs]
Brandon: But, I love that in the corporate sense, like, you're never surprised by the just, like, the brazenness of your colleagues in the absolute ineptitude that they have [Laughs].
Amanda: Yeah, honestly, like, the job of an assistant is largely about like outsourcing certainty. And, for the person you're assisting to be able to just be like, I don't know, figure it out. And for you to never be on the backfoot, you know.
Eric: Wonderful. At this point, Archie gives an iPad to June, like, (as Archie) Hey, kid, can you just moderate the Q&A questions for us? I guess, I didn't know you were assigned to do them. Can you just do that?
Amanda (as June): It's fine. My—I'm succeeding in my job if you don't notice me, so no problem.
[Brandon laughs]
Eric (as Archie): Great. Thank you. Appreciate that. (Normal voice) Okay, so, this is how initiative is going to work. The Q&A questions are going to happen at initiative, 20, 15, and 10. And, I'm going to tell you how that is going to work. But Amanda, you're going first. So remember, you can do any action while this is happening. So, during the q&a, all of your coworkers are focused on Archie. During the Q&A, you are holding his iPad, and you're going to do this moderation. So, you can do anything that is in regular initiative. It's kind of like, this is your chance to make a move. What do you want to do? This is more like, we’re using initiative as timing organization.
Brandon: I love that. That's so—this is brilliant, Eric.
Julia: This is really cool.
Amanda: It's really fun.
Eric: Thank you.
Amanda: Um, I'm gonna say, (as June) Well, Archie, first want to introduce the team, so we know who we're talking to?
Eric (as Archie): Uh, absolutely. Hi, I am Archie Valmont, I've been working at Movable Type for 15 years, I am a senior partner and these are my colleagues here who are also senior partners, and we are very excited—
Amanda (as June): Names?
[Brandon laughs]
Eric (as Archie): Uh…
Amanda (as June): …and pronouns?
Eric: (Laughing) He ignores you, and says, (as Archie) We are very excited to talk to you a little bit about how our relationship between Movable Type and Average Bear, how we can help each other make media as good as possible and keep the content flowing.
Amanda: Does somebody ask a question along the lines of just like, you know, what is your interest in us? Like, why—why, why Average Bear? Something along those lines?
Eric: Yeah, yeah. So, you want to use your action to pick one, specifically?
Amanda: I would like to distract them long enough to look at his iPad.
Eric: That's perfect. I think that while he's talking, introducing himself, and like using a lot of corporate bullshit, uh—
Amanda: Like, “synergies,” and—
Eric: Right, and you're holding his iPad, so you can kind of route around in there. I guess that's an investigation check.
Amanda: Yeah.
Eric: Cuz it's already unlocked.
[Dice rolls]
Amanda: [Pauses] Oh…
[Eric laughs]
Brandon: Oh no. Oh no, what is it?
Julia: Did you roll a Nat 20?
Amanda: I did roll a Nat 20 [Laughs].
Julia: Oh my god…
Brandon: [Overlapping] Holy shit-
Eric: Jesus Christ. All right, Amanda, what do you want?
Amanda: June is gonna search Archie's iMessages for the phrase, “average bear.”
Eric: Incredible. Okay, I'll give you all everything that I have written down. You ready?
Julia: Oh my god…
Amanda: Yeah.
Eric: You check the iMessages, there's nothing there. This iPad is totally blank, has absolutely nothing on it. However, I will say that once you realize that there's nothing there, you just flip over to the calendar. There's also nothing there.
Brandon: No days!
[Brandon, Julia, and Amanda laugh]
Eric: No, like there are like no events. There's like no holidays turned on. Like, there's absolutely nothing on this calendar. Here's the other thing, is that you realize you've never seen Archie before. And you've never seen the tall white man before, and you've never seen the short black woman before. As your desk is in front of Scott's—Scott’s—
Amanda: Scotts’
Eric: Scotts’ [laughs].
Amanda: I call him Scott as power move, but I realized his name is Scotts—
Eric: His name is Scotts. Your desk is right in front of Scotts’ office, and like you've never seen these people. You have seen people from movable type come through but like also different people. And they all say that they're seeing your partners. It's like a character creator. Someone's been like flipping through like they've made sims—
Julia: [Laughs] Randomize, randomize…
Eric: Yeah, randomizing people who are coming through. The other thing that you do, is that, you realize there's nothing there you go on Safari, and you just look up “Movable Type.” And you'll you see everyone's names. And there's like a lot of people that work in this VC company a lot more than you would have thought work at a VC company. I did a lot of—Eric did a lot of research on VC companies. Tons of people work there, and I have no idea what their jobs are. Because they also like don't have traditional like employee titles?
Amanda: Yeah.
Eric: It's very bonkers. And you realize that the CEO president and founders name is John Press.
Amanda: Interesting.
Eric: As you're looking through the website, you see Archie is on there. The short black woman's name is Andrea Coleman. The tall white man's name is Seth Holegreen. And, uh—
Amanda: [Laughs] She’s a Buffy character.
Eric: And you, you see all of them on the bio page. You also see, there is a photo of John Press. You know, it's another white guy in his late 40s kind of like scruffy, manicured five o'clock shadow, intentionally scruffy for the photo that's gonna get taken. His white shirt is open to the second button, and he is smiling blindly at the camera in his photo.
Brandon: That's how you know he's casual!
Eric: Yeah, casual.
Brandon: The more buttons, the more casual!
Eric: That is everything you're gonna—you—I can give you on your action, and that is quite a lot like—
Amanda: No, I believe you.
Eric: Yeah. It is now initiative 20. And, I would love it if one of you rolled 1D4.
Julia: I got it.
Eric: Now, here is what 1D4 is going to be. You're going to inhabit the question itself. And, I have a mechanic about this, but Julia is 1, Brandon is 2, Amanda's 3, and I'm 4.
[Dice rolls]
Julia: I did roll a one. So I guess I'm going…
Amanda: Yay!
Eric: So, Julia—Julia, what question is going to be asked in this particular Q&A?
Julia: I like demand, like what interest does Movable Type have in a company like Average Bear?
Eric: Great. Now, I'm going to make an imposed charisma check against June to see how softened this question is for Archie.
[Dice Rolls]
Amanda: I got a 17.
Eric: I rolled a 6. So, how pointed do you want this particular question to be as you read this question out loud?
Amanda: Julia, tell me what you think. But, I think giving them a kind of softball will like keep them sort of like loose and not looking out for future guineas. You know?
Julia: Yeah, I think that's the way to go.
Amanda: Okay, so let's go with super casual. I would love for them to think that this is just kind of like a getting to know you question, and people don't actually care.
Eric: Absolutely. So, you read the first question.
Amanda (as June): Our first question comes from accounts receivables what they are, and it says what drew you to average bear? I think I recognize that from one of Rose’s dating profile, ah, seeding listicles. Good job.
Eric: Haha.
Amanda: Keeping it all in house, you know.
Eric: Haha, from the audience and Archie says, (as Archie) Yeah, no, that's a great question. We definitely want to make sure that we are diversifying in all the different fields out there. We want to make sure that Movable Type has all their fingers and all different pies. And, we know that average bear is the best media company out there for getting a hard-hitting news and interesting profiles, as well as, you know, fun things for people to share with their friends. And, you know, we've been investing in space travel, all the way to making the best cup of coffee and, you know, media is right in the middle there.
[Julia laughs]
Brandon: Yeah, that's definitely right in the middle of coffee and space travel.
Julia: Mhm.
Amanda: Sure.
Brandon: Right in the middle.
Eric: Okay, so this is now Initiative Count 15, this is question two. Brandon roll 1D4. Now, I am taking Julia spot, so 1 and 4 is Eric, 2 is Brandon, 3 is Amanda.
[Dice rolls]
Brandon: Well, ya boy got a 1.
Eric: All right. So, Amanda, now, let's do our charisma check once again. I get advantage because it's my question.
[Dice rolls]
Amanda: I got 17 again.
Eric: All right, um, someone from the content creation side wants to know if they're going to be any major changes happening in the next few weeks? And, because you won the charisma roll, say it however you so choose?
Amanda (as an employee): Hey, Javier. I work—I work in content.
Eric: [Laughing] I like you have questions on the iPad, but you're like, let's get one from the crowd!
Julia (as Rose): Yeah, Javier!
Amanda (as June): I'm calling on the people who submitted the questions, so that we can get people asking the questions, but I am vetting the subject.
Eric: Oh, yeah. Like, fear is this going across Archie's face—
Amanda: Yep.
Eric: —like, I thought we were gonna read the questions! Oh, God.
Amanda (as Javier): Hey, Javier. I work in content. We've been, you know, we work in media. We've—we've been burned before. Are there any major changes that you guys have planned that'll impact our day to day Average Bear?
Brandon (as an employee): Yeah, like the coffee maker! (Normal voice) You hear from the back?
Eric (as Archie): [Laughs] We will definitely—we will definitely get you a better coffee maker. That was definitely our first major changes—
Brandon (as an employee): Hell yeah!
Eric (as Archie): But, you know, listen, we're doing a full evaluation of everything happening in the business. But you know, we don't have—it's something that we need to take one step at a time, make sure that we are doing the best thing for—for Movable Type and for Average Bear, equally. But, I think that people will get—will get notice. And, this will be a collaborative, this is going to be a collaborative decision between lots of different partners, and I think that if this is all going to turn out what's best for our for everyone to make sure that we're all working 100% together in our best capacity.
Amanda: Okay, so team a little table talk here. We're not going to get shit out of this Q&A.
[Everyone laughs]
Eric: All right, this is initiative count 10. Julia then gets 1 back. So, Julia 1, Brandon 2, Amanda 3, I am 4. Amanda roll that D4 for me.
[Dice rolls]
Amanda: I got a 4.
Eric: Oh, this one's for me again!
Julia: Dammit!
Eric: Thank you! This is a question about, now that a VC has dumped a ton of money into the company, can we get better benies? Like gym memberships and stuff?
[Dice rolls]
Amanda: 7.
Eric: Oh, I rolled a 15. So, that is explicitly the question. It’s like a question from Steve in accounting, are we gonna get more benies? I really want to make sure that you guys are paying for my gym membership and stuff.
Brandon: Steve gets a text after he asked that question from Todd, that says, (as Todd) Please don't abbreviate the word benefits when you're speaking to our managers. Okay, thanks.
[Eric laughs]
Amanda: Incredible.
Eric: Steve says (as Steve) Is this—?
Brandon (as Todd): This is Todd, this is your boss.
Eric (as Steve): How did you—where did you get my number?
Brandon (as Todd): This is Todd, this is your boss.
[Everyone laughs]
Brandon (as Todd): It’s my job to have your number.
Eric: Terrifying. Archie says, (as Archie) Oh, absolutely. Perfect. We are definitely going to make that a priority. We know that fitness is really important to the average bear family, and we are going to start subsidizing people's gym memberships, as long as it is when within our Manhattan neighborhood. (Normal voice) And, the Q&A kind of, like, there's a lot more absolutely nothing answers from Archie as there are more just like—
Julia: Are we only doing one round of the Q&A?
Eric: Yes, we are only doing one round of the Q&A.
Julia: Aw, fuck.
Eric: But however, because we are in the initiative order, it is now—the q&a is still going. But, this is after like the trap questions—trap as in, the initiative count questions. So, it is now Brandon's turn. Todd, what do you want to do?
Brandon: Julia, I gotcha. Don't even worry. Todd's going to stand up, of course, and look directly at the VCs in the eyes, each one by one, with the Todd stare. And, he's gonna cast zone of truth.
Julia: Fuck yeah, that’s what I was gonna do!
[Everyone laughs]
Amanda: Fucking yeah dude! Oh hell yeah! I love it!
Eric: Incredible.
Brandon: It's not as good as we hope though, because it does say that an effective creature is aware of the spell, and thus can avoid answering questions to which it would normally respond with a lie. Such a creature can be evasive in his answers as long as it remains within the boundaries of the truth.
Julia: I love compelled truth. That should spell.
Brandon: Yeah.
Eric: Okay. Do I make a charisma saving throw?
Brandon: [Reading] Tell us about any creature that enters the spell area for the first time on a turn or start its turn there, it must make a charisma saving throw.
Eric: Okay, I'm going to do that now. So that, if you asked any other questions to Archie and the other senior partners, they'll know.
Brandon: Yeah, and I know whether each creature succeeds or fails.
Eric: Okay, I'm gonna do all the senior partners together, if you don't mind—
Brandon: Yeah.
Eric: —and they get a plus three, because they are tricky bastards.
Julia: Oh, cool. They're also gonna subtract five from it though.
Brandon: Yeah.
[Dice rolls]
Eric: Oh! Jesus Christ. With cutting words?
Julia: Yeah, with cutting words, baby.
Eric: What does that look like? When you do cutting words?
Julia: I don't even think it's words this time. I think that Rose just kind of looks at them, and is like, (as Rose) Yeah.
[Everyone laughs]
Eric: Incredible. Well, I rolled a 10 – 5.
Brandon: Ooo, yeah!
Eric: So, I am within the zone of truth.
Brandon: You had to beat the 13, so yeah.
Eric: That is— 5 is definitely below 13. Absolutely. So, I think that as your action you can ask like a question question. But, you still have like a free action to do whatever you like.
Brandon: Nope, I'm good. Todd looks at them with daggers in his eyes and doesn't sit down.
[Everyone laughs]
Eric: That’s terrifying, absolutely terrifying.
Brandon: He just says, (as Todd) Hello. Hello, my name is Todd, thank you for doing this Q&A. This is a privilege to hear and talk from you.
Amanda: Just quietly to himself, as they're talking—
Brandon: Yeah.
[Everyone laughs]
Eric: Alright, and now it is Julia's turn. Julia, what is Rose do?
Julia: Rose is gonna ask a question, I guess, of these fine folks up there.
Eric: Okay.
Brandon: You hear someone from the back of the room go, (as an employee) [chanting] Rose! Rose! Rose! Rose!
Julia: Hell yeah.
[Amanda laughs]
Julia: I think Rosie is gonna stand up, and—I feel like I should have described Rose earlier, but Rose has like the energy and appearance of that one picture of Adele, where she's holding all of the Grammys and laughing—
[Brandon and Eric laugh]
Julia: Yeah. So she has like, a presence to her, you know—
Eric: Yeah.
Julia: —and she's got that, like, strawberry blonde hair and stuff. Anyway.
Eric: Incredible.
Julia: I think she, like, stands up to, like, her full height in heels and is like, (as Rose) Yeah, hi, I have a question. So, I've been a part of a lot of media companies before, and people have, like, come in with their VC money and stuff, and it's really good for, like, a little bit. And, then they usually end up like breaking us down and selling us for parts and then we all lose our jobs. And, that's not fun. That's not super fun for me.
Brandon (as an employee): Booo!!!
Eric (as an employee): It's not—it’s not! It’s not fun!
Brandon (as an employee): It’s not good!
Julia (as Rose): So, I'm just—I kind of just want the promise from you guys today, here, in this room, that you promise you're not going to do that to us.
Amanda: Yeah…
Brandon: And Todd stares at them.
[Eric laughs]
Julia: Yeah, fake smile, like (as Rose) Aha.
Eric: Why doesn’t everyone make a perception check?
[Dice rolls]
Julia: 18.
Eric: Yeah.
Amanda: 14.
Brandon: Ah, ya boy got 23.
Julia: Hell yeah, Todd!
Eric: [Overlapping] Incredible.
Amanda: Whoa.
Eric: I think all of you, including June because this is June thing, all of you see standing over to the side, Scotts and Carlisle are looking at each other, like, nervously.
[Everyone laughs]
Eric: Just like, why? This was a bad idea. Why did we think alcohol would be better? Make a charisma role for me. However, if you want to add a skill, I don't know which one, how pointed or—or if this is intimidation, but make it charisma role for me.
Julia: Can I go persuasion? Does that sound good?
[Dice rolls]
Brandon: Can I cast guidance on
Julia: Oh buddy, you don’t need to, I rolled a 16 + 7—
[Brandon laughs]
Amanda: Yeah!
Julia: —for 23.
Eric: Great. They look unflappable, the senior partners, are like, they do like an awkward laugh, and they look at everyone, and says, (as senior partners) We have no intention of turning Average Bear into a car that is sold for parts—
Julia (as Rose): That’s not what I asked!
Eric: —the car always run—I still runs and will continue to run forward. It is our job—we are like the mechanics of the car, it's our job to make sure that the car is running as best as possible. And, we'll, you know, it has great gas mileage for what needs to happen in the future. And, to make sure that we can up our, uh, and to make sure that we can do the best that we can, and we can continue our superhero coverage. And, you know, like every—the stuff that Tegan Murphy has been doing. (Normal voice) And then, like, they kind of like look around, and everyone looks around, and Tegan is still not there. (As the senior partners) And I think that, we’re the mechanics of this car, and we will make sure that the car goes in the way that the car should drive best.
Brandon (as an employee): That was nothing!
Julia (as Rose): I love purple prose. Can I have a real answer? Please?
[Brandon laughs]
Amanda: Yeah!
Eric (as senior partners): There will be plenty of time in the coming weeks—we'll set up meetings for—for everyone here. I think that, you know, that is actually, we actually get off to another meeting. It was so wonderful to talk to all of you. And, you know, the bar is open for another two hours. This is great. Have a good time. Remember, it's all on us. There will be mozzarella sticks coming around.
Julia: Woo!
Eric (as senior partners): When, you know, we will see you all—we'll see you all tomorrow, bright and early on Monday—but not too early! Don't worry, you guys, we're not starting work until 10:30. All right. We'll talk to you all later. (Normal voice) And, people tepidly clap, they're not really sure what—how it’s just ending, I think that the VC people kind of like back away quickly, as—and like, receive the CEO and the CFO, Scotts and Carlyle, and they kind of walk out towards like the patio which you can like, exit to a different one.
Brandon: These fuckers are definitely robots, right? Like that's what's happening? [Laughs]
Julia: Like, either that or a hive mind. It's got to be one of those.
[Brandon laughs]
Amanda: Did you hear if the—if the other two VC partners actually made a sound when they all laughed? I was trying, but I couldn't tell.
Julia: [Pauses] Ooo, wait, can I do a thing before they leave?
Eric: Sure.
Julia: I think Rose is going to, like, not run up to them, but, you know, like gently saunter up to them and be like, (as Rose) I appreciate you like really taking my question with some poise and grace, and like, I really appreciate it. (Normal voice) And Rose just kind of goes (laughs), and then casts hideous laughter on one of them—Seth, not Archie—
Eric: Smart.
Julia: —to see if he starts laughing.
Eric: Alright, what do I have to do for that?
Amanda: Incredible.
Julia: Make a wisdom saving throw.
Eric: Okay.
[Dice rolls]
Eric: Oh, buddy, I rolled a 6. Okay—
Julia: [Laughs] Oh no…
Eric: —so, what happens with Todd cast’s hideous laughter?
Julia: [Reading] A creature of your choice that you see within range perceives everything is hilariously funny and falls into fits of laughter if the spell is in effect. The target must exceed a wisdom saving throw, or fall prone, become incapacitated, or unable to stand for the duration.
[Everyone laughs]
Amanda: Wow.
Eric: Do I take damage?
Julia: No.
Eric: Okay.
Julia: You’re just—you're just incapacitated. So, like, if this was combat, this person would be unable to fight.
Eric: Sure. Sure. That's really interesting. Make the perception check for me.
[Dice rolls]
Julia: I got a 12.
Eric: Okay. I think, [Laughs] you laugh and then Seth goes, (as Seth) Hahahaha! (Normal voice) And, the other two look very confused, like look at him. And, Archie's like, (as Archie) Absolutely, thank you so much for giving us that question. It seems like Seth really enjoyed that. So, we are going to—
[Amanda laughs]
Eric (as Archie): —we just have—we're gonna—we gotta make sure that we're not late to our next meeting. (Normal voice) And Seth is still like, (as Seth) Aha! (Normal voice) [Laughing] As the other people in the group, like, pull Seth away, as he just keeps laughing—he just keeps laughing.
Julia: Interesting.
Eric: Yeah.
Julia: [Laughs] Rose just goes, (as Rose) He makes noise.
[Everyone laughs]
Julia (as Rose): On his own. That's really good to know.
Eric: Great.
Brandon: I think, I want to look over at Carlyle and Scotts, and cast detect thoughts.
Eric: Sure.
Amanda: Yeah.
Brandon: We're trying to figure out, like, a way to make this, you know, not like psychic, fake.
Eric: Yeah. I think that you've spent enough time with these two guys, being a middle manager and listening to their platitudes, that like, I think you have a pretty good sense of who they are. Yeah.
Brandon: Yeah. So you're gonna make a wisdom check. But if you fail, I kind of want to learn, like, your emotional states. Like, do they seem worried? Are they, like, looking like they're trying to like, deceive us?
Eric: Sure. Let me Yeah, let me roll on them.
[Dice rolls]
Eric: Cool. I rolled a 4.
[Everyone laughs]
Eric: So, let me, let me tell you. Yeah, I think that they weren't—they thought that this was going to be pretty straightforward. They were gonna say that, like, yeah, we gave them information, and—but, they weren't expecting June to be a moderator. And, this has kind of gone up in flames in front of them. They were not ready for someone to answer that question. I think they like, they look more worried that it seems like the VC people did not have their—their shit together, then everything—than anything else.
Brandon: So, they don't seem like they're worried that they are just seeding their employees? They're just worried that like, this went poorly?
Eric: Um, no, I don't think that that's—that's not on their minds. They are thinking about how this meeting—how this q&a and this thing that was supposed to happen, people enjoying themselves on the Sunday on, on the VCs dime, blew up in their faces. They're just like, (as Scotts and Carlyle) I thought these guys were slick VC people, what happened? What happened? Like this is—this is—this is wild, (Normal voice) I think is the main thing on their, like, surface level, is what they're thinking about.
Brandon: Maybe they're worried that they made a mistake in VC company.
Amanda: Yeah. Yeah
Julia: Maybe in this specific one. I don't think they're like worried like, oh, man, what if these guys do fire all these people?
Eric: Yeah.
Julia: I think they just don't give a fuck, so.
Amanda: Yeah, like, is this the best exit package they could have gotten?
Julia: Mhm.
Brandon: Yeah, like, are they gonna have bad PR when shit goes down? You know?
Amanda: Yeah. I think June is gonna make eye contact with Rose and Todd and sort of hand signal, like, two-minutes at the bar, to meet up—
Brandon (as Todd): What?
Amanda: —and share notes.
Brandon (as Todd): June, what?
Amanda (as June): Two-minutes, Todd. At the bar, okay?
Brandon (as Todd): Two, at the bar. I hear, okay, understood.
Amanda (as Rose): [Pauses] Okay.
[Julia laughs]
Amanda: And, she's gonna walk over to Scotts, and pull him aside for a sec.
Eric: Yeah, I think that they are all trying to, like, get out onto that porch area. And you can kind of grab him right before they're kind of like exiting there. Be like, (as Scotts) June, I really just need to take this meeting really quickly. Do you have something pressing? Is this pressing?
Amanda (as Rose): I actually still have Archie's iPad, Archie! (Normal voice) And, I'm gonna kind of like put up my hand, and go on over to return the iPad to Archie. Um, and I would love to steal his phone, as I give him back his iPad.
Eric: Okay, make a sleight of hand check.
Julia (as Rose): And, ah, hey, sweetheart? Wink. Added Bardic inspiration to that.
[Dice rolls]
Amanda: Okay, so 15 + 4 is a 19, plus—
[Dice rolls]
Amanda: —2, is a 21.
Eric: How many Bardic inspirations do you have?
Julia: That was my last one.
Eric: Oh, got it. Hey, Bards are scary. 21?
Amanda: 21.
Eric: Here's the thing, I'm gonna give this to you for free, because you rolled so well. Archie doesn't have a phone.
Amanda: What the fuck?!
Julia: What the fuck?!
[Brandon laughs]
Eric: You, like, definitely give him back the iPad, and with your other hand, you like touch him like on the pocket, to figure out where it—where it is. And like, there's nothing in Archie's pockets.
Amanda: Eric, that is the most chilling thing you've ever said in D&D—
[Eric laughs]
Amanda: There's fucking nothing in his pocket?!
Eric: So, that—I'll give that one to you for free. Because, you rolled so well. You like just definitely did it. No one noticed, you can still do something, but Archie doesn't have anything in his pockets, no phone, no wallet, no keys.
Amanda: Do I notice, on any of them, the scent of any hotel products?
[Brandon laughs]
Amanda: Because, I feel like part of my job is putting guests in local hotels so they can, you know, commute easily to the office?
Julia: [Laughing] And, you've gone to each of those hotels and you sniffed all of the products.
Amanda: Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Eric: That's a little too much. I'll give this to you instead. Archie says, (as Archie) Oh, thank you. I would have forgotten this. You know, let's take this meeting back in the—back in the office. I actually, I forgot my—I must have forgotten my wallet back in the office. Let's—let's do that. (Normal voice) The three of them—and Scotts says, (as Scotts) Yeah, absolutely. June, I don't have time, I have—you can just grab me later. Please.
Amanda (as June): Okay, I'll meet you in the office.
Eric (as Scotts): Yeah. Just, like, I need to take, I need to take—we have to, ah strategize. You know, just just talk to—you have the rest of the day off. Just—Just talk to me tomorrow. Sleep in. We all—we're all coming in at 10:30.
Amanda (as June): You and me, 10am, I'll get the good egg sandwiches, okay?
Eric (as Scotts): Okay, fine.
Amanda (as June): Okay.
Eric: So, the group of five of them are heading back to Average Bear. I'll give you that instead. Amanda: All right, I'll head back inside and meet these guys at the bar.
Julia (as Rose): Okay, so did anyone else notice how they were like, one, super up Tegan’s butt, but also were only really interested in our writing about superheroes?
Brandon (as Todd): Hello, Rose and June. Thank you for inviting me to this conversation. I thought that was also weird.
Julia (as Rose): Todd, catch up. Good.
Amanda (as June): Um, not to literally give anybody nightmares, but there was literally nothing in Archie's pocket. I was just trying to, obviously, clone his SIM card—I mean, not obviously, but like, deftly—but guys, there was literally nothing in his pocket.
Julia (as Rose): You mean like besides his phone?
Amanda (as June): No, no phone, no wallet—
Julia (as Rose): What?!
Amanda (as June): —no key—
Julia (as Rose): What?!
Amanda (as June): —no hotel key. Fucking nothing. I am chilled to the bone.
[Eric laughs]
Amanda: And then, I order more shots.
Eric: Incredible.
Brandon (as Todd): That is very weird. Normally, people have keys, phones, and wallets.
Amanda (as June): Last week, I was just kind of like, oh, maybe this deal is like, not great, or it's like a new kind of thing. I'm like, maybe the CEO is gonna step down, whatever, but like, I'm—I am updating my resume in my head literally right now.
Julia (as Rose): What if they're, like, all robots?
Brandon (as Todd): That is a very valid possibility.
Amanda (as June): They super could be robots. I mean, they have, what, like smart cars and rockets. And I mean, why not robots?
Julia (as Rose): Why not robots? Dr. Morrow up in Laketown City's got robots, apparently.
Brandon (as Todd): June, I would like to propose a proposition to you. [Pauses] It's not—it's not weird.
Amanda (as June): Todd, we talked about redundancy.
[Eric laughs]
Amanda (as June): What?
Brandon (as Todd): I know we are normally enemies in the office, because we have the same goals. But, I think—
Amanda (as June): We're frenemies Todd, and we drive each other forward.
Brandon (as Todd): Of course, of course.
[Julia laughs]
Brandon (as Todd): In this instance, I think we have the same goal. So, I think we—
Amanda (as June): Yeah.
Brandon (as Todd): —put the competition behind us. And, um, I think we work together to oust these VCs, who, ah, who are, both are going to—are going to screw us over, I think, they’re gonna take our jobs. Let's go screw them first.
Amanda (as June): Yeah, like I want to cover my own ass and my own job, and this is literally the closest to power I'm going to get, but this is also the last bastion of journalism for millennials, so I'm not going to see it sold off for parts.
Brandon (as Todd): Yes, I am also millennial.
Eric: The New York—[Laughs]
Amanda (as June): Okay. Okay, Todd.
Eric: At the turn of the Ce—he means at the turn of the Century.
[Brandon laughs]
Eric: The New York Times goes, (as the New York Times) Hey—
[Everyone laughs]
Eric (as the New York Times): Stop it, stop it. (Normal voice) Rose, your phone pings again, and you get another email. This one is—is, once again, from rumors at The Daily Bugle Online, like, (as Daily Bugle email) Wow, I heard something real wild just went down with your place. Let me know if something strange has happened! You can hit me up. If you show me yours, I'll show you mine. I've already showed you mine. I'm Jonesy Mocktail.
Amanda: [Laughing] Mocktail…
Julia: [Overlapping] Jonesy Mocktail-?!
Brandon: What a name, love it.
Eric: [Overlapping] Jonesy Mocktail.
Julia (as Rose): Alright, Mocktail. Maybe we'll meet up for a drink.
Eric (as Jonesy): Great. I'll be the one with, ah—
[Brandon laughs]
Eric (as Jonesy): I’ll be the one with a hat that says “news” on it.
Julia (as Rose): That's tacky.
Brandon: God, we should record this, these movements that we all have are just fucking—
Amanda: [Laughs] We’re all really doing the handwork taking cues from Tuna.
Eric: Yeah. So yeah, I think that it's about like 3-something, Tegan is still not there. Do you guys want to do anything particular? Or, do you just kind of want like, do you regular human stuff and just like you go to the party, and then you—it's Sunday, so you do your laundry and whatever.
Brandon: I want to follow these people back to the office and spy on them.
Eric: Sure.
Brandon: And, I think I want to see if we can text Tegan, and be like, yo, this is a sketch, you want to come help? Kind of thing.
Eric: Sure.
Brandon: But Todd would never say "Yo," so I don't know.
Julia: I want to meet up with mocktail, because that is a big lead that I have now.
Eric: Mocktail responds. (as Mocktail) Yeah, sure. Absolutely. I just like—I would love if you could like promise to go on the record about what's happening and Average Bear with me—
Julia (as Rose): Yeah, I can’t do that sweetheart, but we can talk.
Eric (as Mocktail): Oh, well, I guess I'm gonna be drinking my martinis alone in my cool newspaper hat.
Brandon: Is that a hat made of—made up newspaper? Or is it a newspaper hat?
Eric: No, it's a hat that says—that has news, a little news hat. [Laughs]
Amanda: Um, does table talk—Julia, do you wanna like, just look at the rest of the bar of the hotel? Like, are they here?
Julia: That might be an interesting thing. Can I roll like investigation or perception to see if this person who is messaging me—like, I send them a bunch of messages, and then I see if anyone's phone like, pings a bunch?
Eric: Sure. I think that's perception.
Julia: Okay.
Eric: But, yeah.
[Dice rolls]
Julia: I got a 14 + 4, for an 18.
Eric: Yeah, sitting in the chair that Carlisle used to sit in is—you know, modern dandies?
[Julia laughs]
Julia: I do.
Eric: They're the white dude, with, just dressed in so much tweed, and it is so hot, and he should not be wearing so much tweed, and has a, like, a fancy hat with—that says news in it, on the—stuck into the brim. And, he's sipping a martini with like, five cocktail onions in it.
Brandon: Uck…
Julia: She just stomps over there, and she goes, (as Rose) Alright, Peter Parker.
[Brandon laughs]
Julia (as Rose): Listen up.
Eric (as Mocktail): No, I'm Jonesy Mocktail. I'm gonna get—yes, yeah, yeah. Oh, so—M’l-M’lady…
Julia (as Rose): Please don't do that.
Eric (as Mocktail): I can't buy affectation.
[Everyone laughs]
Julia (as Rose): I hate it. What do you need to know for me? You've been here the whole time with this, ah, this Q&A?
Eric (as Mocktail): Oh, sure. I recorded everything on my phone, and it’s—
Julia (as Rose): Legally, I'm sure.
Eric (as Mocktail): Legally, I'm sure. In New York—New York State in 2020 acts as a, ah, more reporter friendly, so I can just record it. But, I do need someone to go on the record, and, uh—from Average Bear and really speak to what's been going on.
Julia (as Rose): And, why does that have to be me?
Eric (as Mocktail): It doesn't have to be you. It could be any prominent Average Bear writer, as they might say in the article that I'm excited to write later.
Julia (as Rose): And what, you couldn’t get Tegan Murphy?
Eric (as Mocktail): Well, it doesn't seem like Tegan Murphy's anywhere here, so you’re the only—
Julia (as Rose): No, apparently there was a cow that was blocking the train.
Eric (as Mocktail): Hm, I’ll have to—I’ll have to look into that.
Julia (as Rose): Mhm.
Eric: And, he takes out a big, like a—[Laughs]
Brandon: He takes out a typewriter?
Eric: Yeah, he takes out a typewriter and puts it—[laughing] puts it on the table, and goes—
Julia: Yeah, fucking fact check the cow—
Eric (as Mocktail): [Typing] Where is the cow??
Julia: Fact check the cow, guy.
[Everyone laughs]
Eric (as Mocktail): [Typing] Who’s gonna spot the cow? Click, clack, click, clack—
Brandon: Wow.
Eric: Brandon, put in those click clacks, that I really need. Yeah, I think that—Julia, just to let you know, that, like, Jonsie doesn't have anything. Jonesy just is, like, has crashed this party, just to like see if someone will talk to him.
Julia: Boring. hate that.
Eric: Yeah.
[Brandon laughs]
Brandon: Really, shoulda asked Todd. [Laughing] Todd’s all about the strategic advantages he can get.
Julia: Well, I don't like this guy. So, what I'm gonna do, is I'm gonna feed him false information. Eric: Great. Incredible.
Julia: I'm gonna make it so that when he publishes his article, it's just immediately, like, everyone dismisses it because clearly none of this is real.
Eric: Got it. Wonderful.
Brandon: You tell him that the VCs are robots…
[Everyone laughs]
Julia: No, cuz then he'll be right later.
[Brandon laughs]
Eric (as Mocktail): The VCs are robots, you say? Well, I'll put that into my article. Click, clack, click, clack, clop.
Julia: Like, I give him the name of all the executives, but they're all slightly wrong.
[Brandon laughs]
Eric: Got it, yeah. (as Mocktail) Shmarilyle Shmarilyle.
Julia (as Rose): Andrea…Coldman.
[Everyone laughs]
Eric: Perfect, yeah, absolutely.
Amanda: I'm gonna text Tegan, (as June) Party disbanding. SOS, these VC people asked about you specifically, tried to, like, out you as not being there, and are definitely in Scotts’ office right now, talking about something very nefarious about the future of our company. I think the only person who could crash that meeting and get some answers is you. I think they are literally robots.
Julia (as Rose): Tell them about the superheroes and how they're super into superheroes.
Amanda (as June): [Texting Tegan] All they seem to care about is superheroes, and superhero reporting—like, they don't care about you, but you know what I mean?
Julia (as Rose): Like, don't tell them that I say hi, but, like, also kind of imply that I say hi.
[Brandon laughs]
Amanda (as June): I will. I'm gonna, like, use an emoji that you like to use, (Normal voice) and I send, like, a yellow heart.
Eric: Tegan says, (as Tegan) Oh, weird. Okay, I’ll go check things out of the office. Also, tell Rose I say hi.
Brandon: [Laughs] Eye roll emoji, eye roll emoji.
Amanda: I'm gonna do eyerolls emoji, crossed eyes emoji, kissing emoji.
Eric: [Laughs] You got a text that says, (as Tegan) Stop.
[Everyone laughs]
Eric: Um, but yeah, no, you guys can fall behind the group.
Brandon: Yeah, Todd has a warlock evocation that's called Mask of Many Faces, which means I can cast this guy's self at will without expending a spell slot.
Eric: Cool.
Brandon: But, what's gonna happen basically, is that like, as we're heading back to the office, Todd has really—it really just means Todd is really good at blending in, because he looks like everyone and no one.
Eric: Yeah, yeah, yeah.
[Julia laughs]
Brandon: So, as soon as they go back, like, if you were to look back, you would see Todd like, shifting and popping up from one spot to the sidewalk next to someone else and then going back to the other one, and he's like, shorter that time. And then he goes to another side of the sidewalk and he's like, now he's like, looks like as if he's a janitor, for some reason?
[Eric laughs]
Amanda: In partial shadow, it's like his features are completely different.
Brandon: Yeah, exactly.
Eric: I love the idea of you doing that. And, it's like, Todd just looks like such a nondescript person that like, no one has just noticed Todd, and Todd like, (Mimicking Todd) I'm a master of disguise! [Laughs]
Amanda: Do the security guards, like, ask you for your ID every day, and you're like, I've literally worked here for five years?
[Eric laughs]
Brandon: Oh no, they don't even notice me. I just walked past them.
Amanda: Ahh…
Brandon: And then, once we get to the office, Todd can blend in with a white wall or beige wall.
Eric: Sure.
Brandon: So, you know.
Amanda: Incredible.
Eric: Social engineering is the best tactic.
Julia (as Rose): Todd has given me such a fantastic idea. June bug. June bug, tell me if this is crazy, okay? What if I pretended to be Tegan?
Amanda (as June): On the phone, or like in person?
Julia (as Rose): In person, I have a jacket that's almost exactly like theirs. And, I'm just like really good at kind of disguising myself and like making people think that I'm other people.
Brandon: Not a bad idea.
Amanda (as June): I mean, I think it's worth a try.
Julia: I’m gonna cast disguise self on myself.
Eric: Great. So, you're gonna try to pretend your Tegan?
Amanda: Did you buy—
Eric: You're gonna try to pretend you're your ex-partner? That's not a fucking weird thing, Rose [laughs].
Julia: Yep.
[Brandon laughs]
Eric: Incredible. All right. I love this. I think that we won't necessarily need to play this whole thing out. So, let's—everyone make stealth rolls, and then we'll make an investigation roll afterwards. Amanda, is there something that June wants to do as you are walking up on these people?
Amanda: Yes, I would like to call the office number of the VC firm, and because growth never sleeps, I think someone does man it on the weekend.
Eric: Sure.
Amanda: And, after a little bit of, like, LinkedIn research, I realized that the office assistant at the firm, who's like the second office assistant, and therefore probably means that she's the one that works weekends?
Eric: Sure.
Amanda: I recognize her from fandom, because June's faction agent is Knights Collide fandom.
Brandon: That’s incredible.
Amanda: She's big on Tumblr!
Julia: Incredible!
Eric: Shout out to Knights Collide, the fake YA series we invented for a live show [laughs].
Amanda: Yeah, so I'm going to call the number and try to use that shared interests to be like, (as June) Hey, oh my god, I just—I have this thing with voices, did I meet you at at Collide con 2017?
[Eric laughs]
Amanda: And I'm gonna say my, my Tumblr name, redacted for tape.
[Everyone laughs]
Eric (as office assistant): Oh my god! Yeah! That's incredible. How—how are you? Are you also as assistant? Wha—this is so wild.
Amanda (as June): Yeah, no, I work at Average Bear, and I would love to get lunch with you sometime. I am in a bind. I completely spaced and did not sync my boss's calendar for next week, which starts in 10 hours from now. I want to make sure he doesn't miss any meetings with your guys next week. When—what are they scheduled for?
Eric: Wonderful, perfect. Okay, now everyone make stealth rolls, to see if you can get away with this, without either in person or electronically someone notice you. And then, we'll do investigation roles to figure out what you guys get.
[Dice Roll]
Julia: So, I rolled an 18 + 1 for stealth. Plus, I have this trait as a bard called jack of all trades, which allows me to add half of my proficiency bonus to any ability that I don't already have a proficiency bonus to, so I got a dirty 20.
Eric: Oh, Geez, that's—so, for stealth, Brandon, what’d you get?
Brandon: Are bards good?
[Everyone laughs]
Eric: I don't know. I wouldn't know.
Brandon: Well, Chad says it's a bad day to be me. And, I got a Nat-1.
Julia: Oh no!
Eric: You got a Nat-1? Okay.
Amanda: [Overlapping] Oh no…
Brandon: I do get a +4 from my guidance, but I don't think I'm—[Laughs]
Eric: Great.
Julia: You know what happened? They painted the office over the weekend—
[Brandon laughs]
Julia: —so now your beige doesn't match the rest of the office space.
Amanda: It’s tope and not beige now!
Brandon: It’s just like eggshell versus like Platinum white or whatever.
Amanda: Yeah. Yeah. [One beat] I got a 16.
Eric: Okay, wonderful. We'll come back to Brandon's Nat-1. Everyone make investigation checks.
[Dice roll]
Julia: I got a 16.
Amanda: Uh, I got a 23.
Eric: Nice.
Brandon: Uh, I got a 7 + 10, for 17.
Julia: 10?
Brandon: Yeah, I have a +10 to investigation.
Amanda: Damn…
Julia: [Laughing] Brandon, why weren't you investigating this whole time?
Amanda: Investigate more!
Brandon: I mean, there was nothing to investigate!
Eric: Todd only investigates when people are try—[Laughing] people are directly trying to screw with him, Todd doesn't care about anybody else.
Brandon: Yeah, it’s only if he can get ahead somehow.
Eric: Okay, here's how this is gonna work.
[Bar noise stops]
[Upbeat, intense techno music begins]
Eric: One scene is going to happen simultaneously. So Rose, you pull out your, your, teal leather jacket, and you walk in and you, like, cover your face and your like, (mimicking Rose) Oh, I'm Tegan Murphy. I work here. (Normal voice) And, the security guards just kind of let you in. At the same time, June is on the phone with the assistant, and the assistant says, (as assistant) Oh yeah, let me send over their schedule right away. That's totally fine. (Normal voice) As you're walking in, Rose, one of the other, like, red—like, faceless middle managers grabs you, and says, (as middle manager) Oh, Tegan, it's so great, you're here. You know, the, this is coming up from from the C suite. They want to make sure that you, ah, they want to make sure that—they're setting up a meeting, they want to talk to you about, ah, about your performance and how—how your articles have been doing. Can you just make sure to get—to be there at the Grizzly Room at 10:30? (Normal voice) All of the meeting rooms are all named after bears, this is the grizzly room.
Amanda: Predictable. I love it.
Brandon: I like that.
Eric: Yeah.
Julia (as Rose): And that's tomorrow morning? I'm Tegan. I’m Tegan Murphy.
[Brandon laughs]
Eric (as middle manager): Uh, yeah, tomorrow at 10:30 sharp. Make sure to be there at the—at the grizzly room.
Julia (as Rose): Of course, and that—who is that meeting with? I don't have it on my calendar just yet.
Eric (as middle manager): They said no, people are there trying to stay off their ph—everyone’s trying to stay off their phones. It's just with the higher ups, they want to talk to you about the work you've been doing.
Julia (as Rose): With, like, Scotts or with the new VC firm or what?
Eric (as middle manager): Oo, sorry, I don't know.
Brandon: This guy's name is also Todd, by the way.
[Amanda and Julia laugh]
Eric: This—yeah, this is also Todd. Simultaneously, like, that's happening on one side of the page, and the other side of the page, June is getting the calendar. And, there's like a two-hour section of time for the Grizzly Room backed off that says, “Important meeting, do not contact.”
[Amanda laughs]
Brandon: So, they’re definitely trying to kidnap and/or kill Tegan.
Amanda: Yeah…
Brandon: And, they are supervillains—
Amanda: Any other meetings after that, during the week?
Eric: There are some regular-looking ones. But, that's like the one that really—that really stands out.
Amanda: Mhm.
Eric: Oh, so there is also a meeting that is blocked off at the same time in the Kodiak Room. But it's like in a different color. It's like, also, “Important, do not contact.” So, there are these two simultaneous meetings happening, two hours, starting at 10:30, one in the Grizzly Room and one in the Kodiak Room.
Amanda (as June): Oh girl, did you double book the conference rooms? Cuz, I can cancel one of those for you really easy.
Eric (as assistant): Oh, no. Say no. They actually wanted both. I'm not—I'm not really sure. I guess that they're splitting up and doing something. I don't know.
Amanda (as June): Oh, was this just like, shared between the people who visited today?
Eric (as assistant): Yeah, yeah, I think they must be running two simultaneous meetings, or something. I don’t know.
Amanda (as June): Cool. You've been a lifesaver. And like, please, my asks are open. Like I would love to get coffee with you.
Eric: I think, at the same time, there's like a panel that the faceless manager being like, (as middle manager) Oh, well, you know, you better get on your way. No one should be working on a Sunday, (Normal voice) And like, the manager leads, like fake-Tegan/Rose back towards the elevator.
Julia (as Rose): Well, you know what, actually, I had a, I had a quick you know, check in meeting with Scotts just now, so I'm gonna run up there real quick. And then, I will clock out for the day, if you know what I mean. I'm Tegan Murphy.
Eric (as middle manager): Oh, well, you know, Scotts isn't taking any—is, he's kind of in a meeting right now. So, I know that that's not really on his schedule, so—
Julia (as Rose): oh, that’s funny, because June told me I should just go right up and interrupts because he wanted me to talk to the VC folks that he's in a meeting with—and Carlyle, Carlyle.
Eric (as middle manager): I'm not—I'm not sure about that. They told me that, uh, that we should keep you out. So…
Julia (as Rose): Me, specifically?
Amanda (as June): Who are you?
Eric: (as middle manager): —then, they shouldn't be disturbed at all, so, I don't know?
Julia (as Rose): You know, I usually, when it comes to Scott's schedule, try to listen to June over, you know, everyone else?
Eric (as middle manager): I don't know. I'm sorry.
Julia (as Rose): [Overlapping] Let me just give June a call, real quick.
[Everyone laughs]
Julia (as Rose): Let’s see if she can confirm that for me.
Eric (as middle manager): [Overlapping] You know, it’s—alright. That's—oh, uh, okay…
Julia: Can I just do either a persuasion or like an intimidation on this person?
Eric: Sure. Yeah. Roll a persuasion.
Julia (as Rose): I’m Tegan Murphy.
[Dice rolls]
Julia: Uh, I'm actually going to use my luck point, because I did roll a 2. I'm lucky.
[Amanda laughs]
Eric: Of course.
Julia: Okay, it's a 14 + 7. So, a 21.
Eric: [Laughs] I rolled a 22.
Julia: God damn it!
Eric: Oh, fun. He’s like, (as middle manager) Ah, no! I'm sorry—I didn't even see him, I didn't even see him up here. I'm sorry. (Normal voice) Julia, unfortunately, that's all you're gonna get from up there.
Julia: Boo… All right.
Eric: All right. Let's go back to Todd's Nat-1 on stealth. So, Todd, as Rose hustles up a in their ex, [laughs] their ex-partners clothing, and June pulls over to a coffee shop to get Wi Fi and make this call, you're hustling behind the group of VC people in the C suite. And, you see that they take a left instead of, like, going into the actual building, they take a left into the alley, which would go into a side door. And, with a 17, you turn the corner. and you see that the group of five are walking up to the side door. And then, the three VC people, they're like walking forward, and then like slowly, starting from their feet, going up. They just kind of like evaporate into pixels.
Amanda: Nooo!
Julia: No way—
Eric: Like they’re slowly—
Julia: [Overlapping] —I fucking knew it. I fucking knew it.
Eric: Like they’re—they were held together for by ash. They just, like, pixels kind of, like, go out into the air.
Brandon: Todd wonders to himself. (As Todd) Is this what they meant by the robots taking our jobs?
[Julia laughs]
Eric: And Todd, you say that loudly, out loud.
[Everyone laughs]
Eric: As—
Amanda: Nooo—
Eric: —Carlyle and Scotts turn around and say, (as Scotts) Todd?
Brandon (as Todd): Uh…[Long pause]
Eric (as Scotts): Todd! We didn't know you were behind here. And I—you—you know, Carlisle and I were just taking a moment to think about giving you a promotion.
Brandon (as Todd): That—that would be—
Eric (as Carlyle): Yeah, Todd, we think you're doing such a good job, that you would do an incredible job working at our Mumbai office.
Julia: Oh, fuck.
Eric (as Carlyle): And, you would be wonderful, you know, really getting everything started and making sure that we can keep expanding.
Amanda: Regional cross platform.
Eric: Yeah, (as Carlyle) Regional, we were—we want to make you the international head of cross platform management, how does that sound?
Amanda: [Whispering] Don’t do it, Todd…
Brandon (as Todd): [Pause] Sir, that is a very generous offer that you're offering me right now, and I really appreciate this. But, I’d really like to stay here, cause I have a family and have kids and they play soccer on Wednesdays, I have to take them to soccer on Wednesdays, and—
Eric (as Carlyle): Well, you know, Todd, wouldn't it be perfect if your kids could see the world with you, as you're traveling to all of the satellite offices that we have all around there? (As Scotts) Yeah, Todd, I think that would be wonderful for your family. Because, unfortunately, we are—I don't know if your role here in the—in the New York office of Average Bear is going to, uh, it might get subsumed in somewhere else, and I don't know if we have an opportunity for redundancies, we're trying to cut down on that. I don't know if your job here would still exist, but this international cross platform job definitely does.
Brandon: [Pauses to think] Well, I’m going to cast vicious mockery—
[Everyone laughs]
Julia: Oh, fuck yeah, bro.
Brandon: —on these folks, and Todd's gonna say—
Julia: Psychically damage those bastards!
Brandon (as Todd): Well, I appreciate your—your offer, you were—you've been very good to me, as well, as bosses and friends. But unfortunately, I did see your most recent evaluations from—from the—from your self-evaluation from each other, and I see that your aptitude for growth is only been one 1.5% over the previous year, and my aptitude for growth has been 4%. And, I can—I might as well just take your jobs, so I can just take your job if I'm doing better than you.
[Julia laughs]
Eric: Hm. Interesting, [laughing] interesting.
Julia: Roll that psychic damage, though.
Eric: What do I—what do I do?
Brandon: You have to succeed a wisdom saving throw.
Eric: Okay.
[Dice roll]
Amanda: Hatchy matchy.
Eric: Uh, I rolled a 14.
Brandon: Shit. I rolled a 13.
Amanda: No! Todd!
Julia: [Overlapping] Dammit…
Eric: It's like, (as Carlyle) Alright, Todd. That's fine. I guess, ah, we'll see you tomorrow. (Normal voice) As Scotts and Carlisle, kind of, just brush past you, and go in through the front door of the building.
Brandon (as Todd): You know, we work on a news agency or wherever and I know reporters—okay.
[Everyone laughs]
Brandon: I'm gonna Slack Rose and June real quick and say, like, (as Todd) Uh… VCs not real. Pixels. Please report. Stop. (Normal voice) Like, like it's a telegram.
[Everyone laughs]
Julia (as Rose): Todd, we told you don't have to, put “stop” at the end, it is not 1800.
Brandon (as Todd): Understood. Stop.
Julia (as Rose): I hate you.
[Everyone laughs]
Amanda (as June): This is much bigger than we thought it was. I think we're gonna—we're gonna need to regroup tomorrow.
Julia (as Rose): Oh, update for all of you. They specifically told Tegan, that they need to be at the Grizzly Room at 10:30 for a meeting, with, like, just them. So, I don't know if I should tell Tegan. Haha, what if I texted them? Haha. Or, if I should just go instead?
Brandon (as Todd): I have idea. (Normal voice) Todd—Todd has an idea.
Julia (as Rose): Oh, what?
Brandon (as Todd): I think--I think instead of telling Tegan, and I think that we three should go into the room and then we should livestream the results to the world. And, ah, get these, ah, these—let me sit let me say this, jerks, removed from the company.
Julia (as Rose): Todd—
Amanda (as June): Wow.
Julia (as Rose): That is devious. I love it.
Brandon (as Todd): Anything—you gotta do anything it takes to get ahead.
Eric: I love it. Okay, that sounds great. Is there anything else you want to do tonight? Or you guys want to fast forward to next day?
Julia: Yeah, I think we can pass or—you know what? I'm gonna give Todd Mocktail’s information, so that if Todd wants to be a little snitch, now he can.
Brandon: Hmm!
Eric: Sure.
Brandon: That's great idea.
Amanda: Excellent.
Julia (as Rose): Because they called you pond scum, Todd. Only we call you pond scum.
[Eric laughs]
Brandon (as Todd): That’s true.
Eric: [Laughing] You don’t know that Carlyle called you pond scum. You don’t know that. [Laughs]
Brandon (as Todd): When it comes from here, it’s different—it’s a different thing, then when it comes from—
Julia (as Rose): It’s lovingly.
Brandon (as Todd): Well, I wouldn’t say lovingly, but it’s a—it’s a different connotation then from someone above me.
Julia (as Rose): Todd called us a peer, by the way, b-t-dubs.
[Amanda laughs]
Amanda: I’m just gonna tell Tegan, (as June) Never mind, get some sleep, shit’s gonna go down tomorrow. We’ll meet you in the office at 11.
Eric: Okay.
Julia: [Overlapping] Nice.
Amanda: And then, (as June) I'm going to be there at 9:45 with burritos, waiting for Scotts—
Brandon: Fuck, yeah!
Amanda (as June): —sitting in his chair.
Eric: Great, wonderful.
Brandon: The only thing that Todd wants to do in the evening is, he feels very stressed out, so he is going to take a very long public bath.
[Amanda and Julia laugh]
Eric: Great.
Julia: And his wife and children don't interrupt him?
Brandon: No, his wife—they have a great relationship. His wife knows how to keep the children away when Todd has a stressful evening.
[Eric laughs]
Julia: Brandon, I said that only because I wasn’t sure if they were real or not.
[Brandon laughs]
Eric: Todd has six kids, guys.
Amanda: Oh, wow.
Eric: Yeah.
Amanda: In the city, even.
[Music stops]
[Office noise begin]
Eric: Okay, the next morning, 9 AM, you all get emails that say, (as email) Hey, we're doing a morning meeting at 10:30, when everyone comes in. Make sure to put the password into your calendar, so you can access the invite. (Normal voice) And the password is—
Brandon: Fluffernutter.
Julia: Oh, no, we’re doing—
Eric: [Overlapping] –and the password is—
Julia: [Overlapping] —that thing!
Eric: The password is “summerfun,” but the E and summer is a 3—
Amanda: God damn it.
Eric: —and, uh, it ends in an exclamation point.
Julia (as Rose): They're gonna fire all of us.
Amanda (as June): Yeah.
Eric: Um, all three of you are invited to the Grizzly Room.
Julia: The Grizzly Room?
Brandon: So, was this invite to the whole company, or just to u?
Eric: To you three.
Brandon: Okay.
Eric: You all are get—you all get an invite, you log on, you put the password into the invite, and you three have meetings in the Grizzly Room.
Julia: Okay, well, then I can't go as Tegan, because—
Amanda: Yeah.
Julia: —if I'm going to be in the Grizzly Room, and Tegan is supposed to be in the Grizzly Room, I can't really be both of me.
Eric: Yeah.
Amanda (as June): No, totally. And, I probably have just the, like, conference room booking calendar, who requested these meetings? Like who's on the invites for each?
Eric: Great question. You don't have this meeting on your calendar, you see, for your work.
Amanda (as June): I’m literally chilled.
Eric: Yeah.
Julia (as Rose): This is terrible. I'm gonna have to go back on LinkedIn! This is bullshit!
Eric: As you guys were coming in at around 10—
Amanda: I was trying to meet Scotts at 10. Does he show up?
Eric: Yeah, uh, Scotts doesn't show up.
Amanda (as June): God damn it. Well… (Normal voice) And, I'm just gonna pack up my desk into my purse.
[Everyone laughs]
Julia: The whole H&M wardrobe, into the purse.
Amanda: Yeah.
Brandon: Closer to 10:30, when they go into the conference room—
Eric: Yeah.
Brandon: —I assume it’s one of those conference rooms with, like, glass walls, right?
Eric: Yeah, the funny thing about the—the conference room is that you can turn on cave mode—
[Brandon laughs]
Eric: —and that, which is—
Amanda: Great…
Eric: —it’s glass, but then it becomes dark—
Brandon: Ah, I love that. All right, never mind. There goes my thing.
[Everyone laughs]
Eric: So, they've turned on cave mode, unfortunately.
Amanda: I hate that.
Eric: You see that a bunch of your co-workers are then now like walking in. And some of them are going to the Grizzly Room, and other—others of them are going to the Kodiak room.
Julia: Oh no..
Eric: And, Todd, everyone on your team is in there with the Grizzly room. Rose, you see that Khaleesi Sanders is in there, as well. June, you see that Maisie Charlton Lee, who you didn't really talk to you, but is also in there.
Amanda: Everyone's in the Grizzly?
Eric: Yeah, there's like 30 people in the Grizzly Room.
Amanda: And, do I see who's walking down to the Kodiak Room at all?
Eric: It—like, the rest of the company.
Amanda: Okay.
Julia (as Rose): Super gonna get fired, guys. Get ready!
Amanda: I'm going to message to the, like, Slack channel, without our bosses in it. (as June) Everyone, leave your personal cells/email. (Normal voice) And, start with mine.
Eric: Sure.
Julia: Smart. Good choice.
Brandon: I'm going to turn to my team and say, (as Todd) Hello, team. Thank you for joining us on this meeting. This was, uh, nothing that I started, but do not worry. I, Todd—your—your manager, Todd has your back. And, we will get through this together, whatever it means. And, ah, we’ll be fine. We’ll be fine, yeah. You're all very important to me. And I appreciate your work. And the credit that I get for it.
Julia: Rose fully weeps.
[Everyone laughs]
Eric: One of your subordinates says, (as subordinate) Todd, you're so bad at being a boss. You're a terrible manager.
Brandon: Todd just gives them a quick little, like, pat on the back hug [Laughs].
Eric: Yeah, I think that at this point, Scotts, Carlyle, and different people come in wearing like really crisp black and navy suits. This is a different three people, who you've never seen before, and be like, (as Scotts) Hey, so, listen. I really— (Normal voice) Scotts says, (as Scotts) I really didn't want to have to do this, And this is the hardest thing that I have to do—
Brandon (as Todd): Scotts!
Eric: —as… [Pauses] Todd? I’m holding the floor—
Brandon (as Todd): Scotts!
Eric: [Pauses] Todd, I—
Brandon (as Todd): Scotts!
Eric: There are going to be opportunities for questions at the end.
Brandon (as Todd): Scotts?
Eric: Yes, Todd?
Brandon: Todd stands up, and gives them the dagger stare. And, I'm gonna cast a cause fear on Scotts, so—
[Amanda laughs]
Brandon: —if he's getting fired, Scotts gonna know the fear of death while he does it.
Eric: Yeah, that's—
Amanda: Incredible.
Eric: —that's fair. You see Scotts visibly start sweating through his—through his button down. He’ll be like, (as Scotts) Yeah, this is li—this is the hardest thing that I have to do, as a CEO. But, you know, as—as average bear has been—has been growing, we sometimes—we need to think of what's best for the long-term health of the company, and we are unable to keep so many people employed here, unfortunately. And, it is my—my job, sadly to say that, we're gonna have to let all of you go. You’ll get packages, you get your severance packages. You get a salary for every year you've worked here. You'll get one week of pay. And, you know, we all appreciate the work that you've done here at Average Bear. And, I'm sorry this is happening. You can take a moment to collect your things, and once again, I'm—I'm sorry.
Brandon: It's gonna suck to have to give Todd 150 weeks of severance [Laughs].
Eric: Yeah.
Julia: Three years-worth of severance pay.
Eric: Yeah.
Amanda: Drinks are on me at McSorley's. Scotts, good luck ever getting dry cleaning again.
[Brandon laughs]
Brandon (as Todd): Scotts, you underestimate the power of middle management. You'll never have any employees work for you ever again, good luck finding any other job in this town. Goodbye.
Eric: Yeah. As you're—you're packing up your things, you see Tegan pushes all their stuff on their desk into their backpack, puts it on, and while holding back tears, just kind of runs out of the building.
Julia: I think Rose intercepts Tegan, real quick, and is just like, (as Rose) So, like, how is Laketown City? Would you recommend it?
[Brandon laughs]
Eric (as Tegan): Rose, I have a girlfriend. Stop. (Normal voice) And pushes you off—
[Brandon laughs]
Julia (as Rose): I have to move there! Oh my god, relax!
Amanda (as June): Hang on, guys, it'll be a really awkward when we start our own microblog. if y'all are still having this tension. So, come with us to McSorley's, Tegan
Eric (as Tegan): I—I have to—I have to go, I'm sorry. (Normal voice) And, Tegan runs out of the building. And, that's when Aggie gets a text saying (as Tegan) Hey, can I stay your place?
[Outro music]
Transcript by Sarah Patt