The Diamond Knot is a model of unification, even if no one without Level Emerald clearance knows it is happening.
The game we played is Model Our Nations by Eric Silver, available NOW in print or digital form!
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- Green Chef, where you can go to greenchef.com/jointheparty50 and use code jointheparty50 to get 50% off, plus 20% off your next two months
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Cast & Crew
- Game Master, Co-Producer: Eric Silver
- Co-Host (Umbi), Co-Producer, Sound Designer, Composer: Brandon Grugle
- Co-Host (Chamomile Cassis), Co-Producer: Julia Schifini
- Co-Host (Troy Riptide), Co-Producer: Amanda McLoughlin
- Theme Song: Lyrics by Eric Silver, music by Brandon Grugle. Vocals by Brandon Grugle, Lauren Shippen, Julia Schifini, Roux Bedrosian, Eric Silver, Tyler Silver, and Amanda McLoughlin. Available for purchase here.
- Artwork: Allyson Wakeman
- Multitude: https://multitude.productions
About Us
Join the Party is an actual play podcast with tangible worlds, genre-pushing storytelling, and collaborators who make each other laugh each week. We welcome everyone to the table, from longtime players to folks who’ve never touched a roleplaying game before. Hop into our current campaign, a pirate story set in a world of plant- and bug-folk, or marathon our completed stories with the Camp-Paign, a MOTW game set in a weird summer camp, Campaign 2 for a modern superhero game, and Campaign 1 for a high fantasy story. And once a month we release the Afterparty, where we answer your questions about the show and how we play the game. New episodes every Tuesday.
Transcript
Eric: I remember a time before the Cascade dried up. Here in Verda Stello, the four nations of plant and bug people flourished and thrived. But the great waterfall that fed the land slowed to a trickle, revealing a vast Salt Sea and unknown islands. The only guide were the words of the 13 Dried Carvings. “The water will slow to fall, but the tides are turning. Find the Infinite Lake to replenish the world and discover the Salmon who will grant you a wish of whatever you desire.” This marks the beginning of the Tide, as many Greenfolk hauled onto ships to find the Infinite Lake and maybe riches, adventure, excitement, and purpose along the way. And what exactly is a salmon? Is that a berry? That was 50 years ago, and the Tide rushes forward ever still. There are many stories caught on the wind between sails, but why don't we hear just one? Of a butterfly gunman with clipped wings, a ripened and explosive piece of produce, and a witch made out of tea. This is Join the Party Campaign 3, The Rising Tide!
[theme]
Eric: The old saying goes, "If a tree falls in the woods, and no one hears it, did it ever make a sound? But if no one is in a conference room, can you even have a place to meet?"
Amanda: Hmm.
Brandon: Hmm.
Julia: Hmm.
Eric: Hmm.
Brandon: And if you meet and you're not in a conference room, is it a meeting?
Eric: Was it even a meeting?
Amanda: Wow.
Julia: Does it become a conference room wherever people meet?
Brandon: Whoa.
Amanda: Any room with a table large enough to sleep several dozen children is not a conference room, until you're in it to conference.
Julia: Oh.
Eric: I think the most important thing about a conference room is, of course, the giant table, but maybe it's the fact that it's never silent in there. Because if someone needs to fill the silence, then, you know, we as humans and Greenfolk are intimidated. Which is why as the uniformed servants walk in, the first thing you do is turn on the lights and the halogen hums a baseline of sound, so no one needs to break it by saying what they need to say. What— what, Brandon?
Brandon: I genuinely thought that was really beautiful metaphorical language, but in my head, I heard, "This halogen lights making the Seinfeld bass line."
Eric: I was— I was thinking it was like a jazz bass line. It was— it was like, "Ooh. The first member of the office jazz trio, The Halogen." Ba doom, boom, boom, boom.
Amanda: You have the wind section, yeah, of the— the air conditioning making it way too cold.
Eric: The sounds of all of the— all of the chafing pans, the fires under the chafing pads keeping the lunch warm. That's—
Amanda: The one person who clicks their pen as a fidget and it's like, "My guy, that is not a you only behavior. You got to stop."
Eric: Yeah. As the uniform servants walk around getting this conference room with the special table, flown in with four arms holding each other by the forearm to create a Diamond Knot. That logo etched into the center of a table large enough for 20 children to sleep on comfortably. Folks, we are doing something different. We are taking a moment to go away from our usual crew and talk about a meeting of the Diamond Knot, and I have written a game for us to play instead of regular old Dungeons and/or Dragons.
Amanda: Wow.
Julia: Bruh.
Brandon: Yes.
Julia: Bruh.
Brandon: Yes.
Eric: Bruh.
Amanda: This never happened before on this podcast or any other.
Eric: I've done it on this podcast a few times, but this one, it's probably— feels like the most fully formed of all the ones that I've ever done, so I'm very excited to share it with you. It's called Model Our Nations, which we've all prepped for, and I'm very excited to run— to run it for everybody.
Brandon: Hell yeah.
Eric: Yeah.
Brandon: By Eric Silver, best DM in podcasting.
Eric: That's me.
Julia: I've heard that's true.
Amanda: That is what it says. That is what it says.
Eric: A tabletop RPG about debate and words standing in the way of actions.
Brandon: Very good.
Amanda: I'm pretty sure that’s never happened before. I'm not sure—
Julia: Yeah.
Amanda: —why we're getting so fictional, but all right.
Eric: Yeah.
Julia: Odd.
Eric: You are an important government representative for your country sent to the secret Annual Meeting of the Diamond Knot or, of course, an emergency meeting. At a secure location, representatives decide the supposed unified path that all the supposed power players will decide on a grand global scale. Bring glory to yourself and your leader as you pick fights, make alliances, and score points to achieve your goals. The Diamond Knot is a model of unification, even if no one without Level Emerald Clearance knows what's happening. So here— here's how this goes, the Diamond Knot can only ratify up to three motions of 10 that are suggested on the docket. Ratifying a motion requires a majority vote depending on how the Diamond Knot meeting goes, players earn points with one— or more players being the winner. This is a tabletop RPG with an actual winner.
Brandon: Yes!
Amanda: Hell yeah.
Brandon: I was made for this!
Amanda: That is what's been missing the whole time.
Eric: Can Brandon and Julia please put their shirts back on? I'd really appreciate that.
Julia: Okay.
Eric: I'd really appreciate that.
Brandon: Oh, no, I put on Julia's. Oops.
Julia: It looks good on you, Brandon. I have a nice button-up on today, so—
Amanda: It is. That's--
Eric: Brandon, you can also have a Target boys XL if you want to.
Brandon: Woo.
Julia: This one is a Hot Topic men's small, actually.
Amanda: Yeah. Hell yeah, dude.
Eric: Nothing is funnier to me than you— I know that you buy these at the places that you're supposed to, but I like more than you're jacking them off of the people you're doing it. So it's like you're taking it off an 11-year-old boy from Target, and you're jacking it off of like a guy at a Paramore concert.
Julia: Eric, I did tell you that one time we were at a brewery in Texas and I saw a small boy run across the field in front of me wearing one of my Target boys XL fits.
Amanda: Uh-hmm. Uh-hmm.
Eric: Oh, that's right. Yeah, that was pretty good.
Julia: It was the skeletons riding surfboards one.
Brandon: That was a good one. Hell yeah.
Eric: Hell yeah. That one's on him, because he's jacking your style. Everyone knows.
Julia: Yeah.
Brandon: That's true.
Julia: That's not fair.
Eric: Everyone knows. Okay. So the first thing that we usually do during this game is that we set— make our world and our characters, Model ON is ideally played with four players, but you can work with three and six as long as you change the shape of the knot. It's very important to do. The hexagonal knot is very important.
Brandon: Uh-hmm.
Eric: As you all decide to play, you decide what country you're playing in. If this is a tabletop RPG campaign, a world that actually exists, great. If not, you sketch out basic ideas so you're all on the same page. If you're doing this from scratch, try— you just keep it kind of sketchy because a lot of people get to do a lot of world-building by making their own characters. But, of course, we're going to use our four countries of Verda Stello.
Brandon: Hell yeah.
Amanda: Classic Eric Silver joint with some collaborative world-building. I do just want to say, Eric, that you may get a DMCA takedown notice from Pentatonic Knot, which was my favorite acapella YouTube group.
Brandon: Oh, boy. Oh, boy.
Eric: All right, Amanda, here's a joken. There you go.
Amanda: Thank you.
Eric: There you go. There it is. So we've all made characters already, which is important, and we will be introducing our characters later. But you need to make sure you do your characters, because the docket opens. Once all of the characters and world is locked in, players decide at a time when the motion docket opens and for how long. It can be immediately for five minutes, at midnight for two days, or now until the next time you're all hanging out, whatever. The docket is where the seeds of discussion are planted, either, they'll bloom into action or into infighting. This is the soil and should be treated with care. It's also first come, first serve. The docket is basically a piece of paper or an online document with 10 pre-prepped empty spaces. You can just go on Google Docs and, like, do 10 on the number bullets and, like, putting an X so that they hold, right? You want to make sure they— they're re— they're reframed. The whole point of the docket is that you got to fill out the docket before we— you get to this game so that everyone is on the same page of what the agenda is.
Amanda: Gotta pre meet the meet.
Julia: Uh-hmm. Uh-hmm.
Eric: Yeah. We have already done this. I filmed what it was like. We all really rushed in, except for Amanda, who canonically put all of her stuff in the wrong document.
Amanda: Yeah. That's right.
Julia: That feels right. That feels right.
Amanda: That's right. I had the wrong conference room, and I was wondering why I was the only one in room 204 and the rest of you were in room 102.
Julia: Amanda, I have to admit, like I watched as we all filled in those things. I was like, "Wow, Amanda must have like a strategy for like going last, because maybe she, like, has something that she wants to place in between things or something else."
Amanda: Well, Julia, in the other document, I started with numbers seven, eight and nine because I figured—
Julia: Smart.
Amanda: —everyone would start at the top, someone might start at five and someone might start at 10. Unfortunately, it was me and me alone in room 204, so—
Brandon: But you did get those spots, though.
Amanda: I got the— yeah.
Julia: You did. You did get the ones you wanted. Did you think it was odd that none of us had jumped in immediately at 12 o'clock?
Amanda: Oh, I sure did. And I said, "These dumb bitches, they think just because I'm in a meeting right now at the time in— in real life with my job at the time the docket opens that I won't be on it, but I'm first."
Eric: I intentionally put it in our shared Join The Party channel on Slack and I did it multiple times to make sure people would see it, so—
Amanda: No. I was wrong.
Eric: —I tried really to make sure it— it was as easy as possible for everybody.
Amanda: I am, though, picturing somebody like putting the docket on like a, you know, a cork board in like someone's garage or basement.
Eric: Yeah.
Brandon: Yeah.
Amanda: And people just like rushing a wall. That would be really fun.
Brandon: That would be fun, yeah. I was thinking the same thing.
Eric: There are various ways— I think that there— you— they are definitely pluses and minuses to physical and digital versions, because it was also like— I was tracking— and we all had to log in with our Google accounts. I was tracking who said what at what time, so it's like you can go back to track changes and see everyone fill their stuff in.
Julia: Uh-hmm.
Eric: The other thing is that the docket stays open until game play starts, the Diamond Knot convenes, so you can change stuff until you decide to play.
Amanda: Yeah, I made a change four minutes before we started.
Brandon: Yeah, I just saw that.
Julia: Whoa.
Amanda: Uh-hmm. Uh-hmm.
Julia: I gotta look.
Eric: Interesting.
Amanda: Uh-hmm.
Eric: And please go to our social channels and see what happened in the first minute of this document filling out. It was— it was a lot of fun.
Julia: It was a nightmare.
Amanda: It was awesome.
Eric: As I said before, you need to know who your character is before you can fill out the docket. And I have a little character sheet for everyone here. So everyone fills out your name, the representative from blank country, a blank government system that loves blank and blank, which are your ideal. So again, this is where a lot of country world-building comes in that you do it automatically as your character.
Amanda: Moist.
Eric: That loves moist.
Amanda: Sorry, I thought we were playing Mad Libs. I thought— I thought— someone just always says moist, right?
Eric: Representative from pe— from penis, a—
Brandon: But, but— bu— but—
Amanda: Wenis, a wenis from Wenisville.
Julia: Nailed it. No notes. Great character.
Eric: A boobies oligarchy.
Amanda: Yes.
Eric: Okay.
Julia: That's the kind of society I want to live in.
Eric: Okay. Your character would describe themselves as blank, blank, blank, so three adjectives, and then others would describe you as blank, a different adjective or a phrase. So that— you're describing your character. Then you have three things that you're supposed to keep secret. You have a personality move, which is a move, kind of a PBTA sort of way, or a Spire sort of way that will make— effect something that's going to go on during play. You'll have a personal goal, which is a goal that you have and you might get extra points for, which I've also written out a lot of personality moves and personal goals. They're supposed to be shared. I think that for a lot of these people, since we're all diplomats, and repre— and government representatives, a lot of the people are the same. So it's kind of all players should know the type of people who are there.
Brandon: Uh-hmm.
Eric: Everyone is on the same page in this regard. Though Amanda did something specific, you can make something new, but you have to run it by everybody so someone knows what your deal is.
Julia: Uh-hmm.
Amanda: Your colleagues all know your failings.
Eric: Yeah.
Amanda: And so it's important that everyone knows what to look out for.
Eric: If you're some— if you're doing something that is exotic, I think everyone knows it. If you're going to come up with something new, you got to let everyone know what it is.
Julia: Yeah. You're like, "Oh, that guy is famous for blank."
Amanda: Uh-hmm.
Eric: Yeah. For being— if you are a maverick, everyone knows why. And then you have a country goal, you describe a directive that you have from your leader. This is also a little bit of world-building, but also there's going to be your guiding presence here. I think this is important because I'm going to talk about the point system at the end. You get a point if a motion you— you suggested if ratified. You get a point if you achieve your personal or country goal. And you got a point for getting a superlative as everyone goes around and says superlatives about everybody, which we'll do at the end. As everyone gets their score, you are going to describe what happens to your character and whoever has the most number of points also wins.
Amanda: Hurray.
Brandon: Hell yeah.
Julia: I love winning.
Brandon: Just like high school.
Julia: Yeah.
Eric: Yeah, just— just like high school, someone gets a— you get a bunch of points and then you win. So everyone pick a personality move, a personal goal, and a country goal as we're all going to introduce ourselves. So the Diamond Knot is about to begin. The table is laid out, and shined, and buffed. The halogen lights are humming in this incredibly beige room somewhere in Verda Stello. There are five big chairs that are fluffed, and shined, and disinfected for everyone to walk in and enjoy.
Brandon: They're about to get reinfected though, am I right, folks?
Amanda: That's right.
Brandon: With these politicians.
Amanda: With a bureaucratic malaise.
Eric: I was thinking about like, "What does the pencil look like in Verda Stello?" I think it might just be like—
Brandon: Stick bugs, stick bugs.
Amanda: It's pretty good.
Brandon: Stick bugs that write for you.
Eric: Actually, that's pretty good.
Julia: Oh, that's it.
Eric: Yeah, it's pretty good.
Julia: Oh, like little scribes.
Amanda: Yes.
Julia: I like that.
Eric: I love that everyone has their own scribe. Like, there's a—
Amanda: Yeah.
Eric: —scribe class. Like, stick bugs have been evolutionized to be as small and dexterous as possible to get jobs as scribes.
Brandon: Uh-hmm.
Amanda: Yeah, it's like how you send your nerdy son to become a priest. You send your smallest stick bug son to become a scribe.
Brandon: Amanda, what?
Eric: To live at the stick bug monastery
Julia: Yeah.
Eric: No, I understand what—
Amanda: Yeah. You know what I'm talking about.
Eric: —Amanda said.
Amanda: You know what I'm talking about.
Brandon: Okay.
Eric: Brandon, do you remember when you're a 15th century lord?
Brandon: Right. Oh, yes.
Amanda: And then it's like the oldest one gets married, and the middle one's a soldier, and then like the— the nerdy one's the priest.
Eric: Yes.
Julia: Naturally.
Brandon: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Eric: So that they— he can draw dick figures in— like the sight of him. Like Mendel?
Brandon: Uh-hmm.
Amanda: That's right.
Eric: Was drawing dick figures with large penises alongside his— his Punnett squares.
Amanda: That's right.
Eric: Is that right?
Amanda: Yes.
Eric: That's history, right?
Julia: Uh-hmm.
Brandon: Was he a— a monastery guy?
Julia: Yeah, he was a monk.
Brandon: Oh, I didn't know that.
Julia: Yeah.
Eric: Yeah, they're brewing beer and doodling dick figures.
Amanda: Who else would have time to crossbreed peas?
Brandon: Oh.
Julia: Yeah, I was gonna say he was breeding peas—
Amanda: Yeah.
Julia: —so— yeah.
Brandon: Well, there was no TV back then. I thought the people were just bored.
Amanda: No.
Eric: There was no TV—
Amanda: Instead he spent two months drawing a really fancy egg.
Eric: Oh, that's very funny. Okay. So the Diamond—
Amanda: Did you say you saw this coming, Eric?
Eric: No, this— this is exactly how I saw was going. Alright. So the Diamond Knot convenes, each character should arrive at the meeting of the Diamond Knot. Players should introduce their character, their country, and their adjectives, but keep your goals and moves the secret if you'd like. They also describe how they got there and how they make their entrance. Anyone want to show up first?
Brandon: Oh, Eric. Wait, hang on one second. I got a thing. I didn't plan for this, but I have a thing.
Eric: Okay.
Julia: Oh, boy. Oh, no.
Brandon: Ah-ha!
Eric: Oh.
Julia: Gavel, gavel, gavel, gavel.
Eric: You just have a wooden gavel.
Julia: Yeah, of course, he does.
Eric: Yeah, Brandon, could you make sure to get some good gavel foley.
Brandon: Wait, hang on, one second. The mic down there.
[gavel bangs]
Amanda: Oh, that’s good.
Eric: That's pretty good.
Amanda: That's good, Brandon.
Brandon: Pretty good.
Amanda: That's good.
Julia: Add a little reverb to it in post.
Brandon: Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Eric: Yeah, Brandon, can you make it sound like the gavel is bigger? [gavel banging] This is also very much like in a reality show when they come in the house first.
Brandon: Uh-hmm.
Eric: And I'm like, "Cool. Who gets in the house first? Like—"
Amanda: Who's gotten fillers this last season?
Eric: So, yeah, does anyone want to come in first?
Amanda: I think canonically I'm five minutes late, so I— I should go last.
Brandon: Oh, I was gonna say canonically I'm 10 minutes late, so maybe we'll have to fight at the end to get in last.
Amanda: Alright.
Julia: Should I go first then, gang?
Amanda: Sure.
Julia: Okay. I think it's almost like the— the assistants, the servants, whatever you want to call them, arrive in this conference and are setting up the table. And like all of a sudden, they hear like kind of like a person waking up in the corner. And they turn, there's an armchair.
Eric: Yeah, 100%.
Julia: A splendor beetle—
Eric: Ooh.
Julia: —which is a— I— I mean, like I looked up, how old can bugs get?
Amanda: Nice.
Julia: And they found a splendor beetle that had been in like hibernation for over 30 years, which is like honestly incredible.
Brandon: Holy shit.
Amanda: Wow.
Julia: So they're like these kind of like jeweled beetles. This one literally has jewels encrusted into his wings.
Eric: Yeah, dude.
Julia: And he is the oldest thing you have ever seen in the goddamn world.
Amanda: Nice.
Julia: And he like jostles awake and he's like,
Julia (as Constructor Emeritus): "Oh, I see that it is time for the meeting. Interesting."
Julia: And then goes, and, like, takes his little spot and sits down.
Eric: I love this. Someone was like putting like a mug down next to him and he was like— [mumbles]
Julia: Yes, exactly. That's the absolute vibe of this— this gentleman. And this is Constructor Emeritus Heron Agrilus of the Constitutional Anointed Monarchy of Hot House.
Brandon: Yeah.
Eric: Hell yeah.
Julia: Which loves intellectual superiority and applied perfection.
Amanda: Nice.
Eric: Uh-hmm.
Brandon: Applied perfection is very good.
Julia: Yes. Constructor Emeritus Heron would describe himself as learned, guileful, and respected, and most others would describe him as absolutely fucking ancient. He is the former Builder who then retired from being Builder, which one does not typically do.
Amanda: Ah.
Julia: So they had to create the role of Constructor Emeritus, which is basically, like, retired Builder.
Amanda: Incredible.
Eric: I like that.
Julia: Uh-hmm.
Eric: We were thinking about this, and I was like, "Remember that one pope that just. like, stopped being pope?"
Amanda: Said nah?
Eric: "Who does that?"
Amanda: Yeah.
Julia: Yeah. Yeah.
Eric: In the whole history of Catholicism, no one does that.
Julia: But this one did. So he's already sitting there when basically everyone arrives.
Amanda: Incredible.
Eric: That's— that's very funny. Are you just like huffing and sniffling to yourself as, like, you're waiting for everyone to show up?
Julia: Yeah. I think he has, like ordered himself a hot beverage of some kind, but it's just like hot water with lemon.
Amanda: Oh, classic.
Julia: And he's just sitting there, sipping it being like—
Julia (as Constructor Emeritus): Of course, the youngins are late as always. And if you're not 15 minutes early, or in my case, three hours early, then clearly, you are late.
Eric: I need to know how you got in there early. That's crazy.
Amanda: Last night?
Julia: I showed up.
Amanda: Yeah.
Julia: I unlocked the door. What are you talking about? What are you talking about?
Eric: You're just like, "Alright, here I am." I want to know, does he stay in the chair or does he go to his place?
Julia: He has two servants pick up the chair, remove the one that they had placed in front of it, and is now in the arm chair that he travels in.
Amanda: That's it. That's it.
Eric: Bringing his own arm chair.
Amanda: It's like a litter.
Julla: Yeah.
Eric: Yeah. That arm chair is as old as he is. He was born in that arm chair.
Julia: Yes. And he's never left it.
Amanda: "I was born in the chair."
Eric: One minute before the meeting begins, the door— the— the doors open for the first time, and in walks in a middle-aged man wearing a rumpled suit. He's also wearing gloves, which he adjusted because he is a cracked and scarred Greenfolk of poison oak.
Julia: Hmm.
Amanda: Ah.
Julia: Interesting.
Eric: He's uncomfortable. He adjusts his suit and like it is so wrinkled, and it's like he feels so uncomfortable in this thing. He's also wearing military boots that have been very, very worked in, that have been shined as much as possible. It's about 50% lacquer and 50% leather at this point. He smooths his hair back, sits down at the table, and looks over his shoulder, signals to one of the servants, and be like—
Eric (as Res): I would just— just— I— I ran out without coffee if you just— as much coffee— but as much coffee as you're physically allowed to give me, I would very much love. It would— I— I forgot all my stuff with me, champ, it's— it's— thank you. Incredible.
Eric: And sees the incredibly ancient Builder Emeritus and just gets almost startled, be like—
Eric (as Res): Oh, I didn't see you there, my man. Just getting my bearings. You know, I'm not used to this stuff. I'm— you know, only once a year do I get shoved in, in the— into this— into this— into this marigold monkey suit. You know what I'm saying?
Julia (as Constructor Emeritus): If you're going to address me, please use my formal title, which is Constructor Emeritus.
Eric (as Res): I'm sorry— I'm sorry. You know, I get it wrong. I just think that every— every meeting we have together, I feel closer to you. I know I feel like we're—
Julia (as Constructor Emeritus): We are not. We are not.
Eric (as Res): That's fair. Well, you know—
Julia (as Constructor Emeritus): Official title please, and thank you.
Eric (as Res): Constructor Emeri— Constructor Emeritus.
Julia (as Constructor Emeritus): Thank you.
Eric (as Res): Your Buildership, apologize, I'm— I'm— I'm just trying to— I'm just trying not to be late.
Eric: This is Counselor Resin Toxicodendron-Twisleton-Diversilobum, but you can just call him Res. Just call him Res.
Julia: Cool. I like the Twizzle part. I'm gonna call him that from now on.
Eric: Yeah. Can I tell you? That's what Ralph Fiennes is— one of his last names is. I'm just gonna tell you that one.
Julia: Hell yeah. Twizzle, Twizzle.
Eric: Twizzleton, Twizzleton, yeah.
Julia: Twizzleton.
Brandon: Twizzleton.
Eric: Twizzleton.
Julia: That's wild.
Eric: Res is from the Crags, which is a lordship monarchy, which lordship is like the Game of Thrones house system.
Julia: Uh-hmm.
Eric: So I just called it a lordship monarchy. That loves loyalty and determination. Your character would describe themselves as experienced, clear-eyed, and patient. Res' job— he was a— he was a— a soldier on behalf of the actual castle of the Crags. He's kind of like one of the— you know, it's not like king’s guard. It's like the— hey, if you want a hand of the military, he's here, and he's done this for many years, but he's been moved to the government side.
Julia: Does he have an official title?
Eric: It's just councilor, because it's kind of general. He got like— he would see it as a demotion, but it's almost like now he's just pinch-hitting for all government things for anyone— when anyone needs like a steady hand in the room.
Julia: I'm gonna call him Councilor Twizzleton, thank you.
Eric (as Res): It's Res. Please just Res. I— it's just— it's just Res.
Eric: Most others would describe you as stupid, or maybe stupid like a foxglove.
Julia: Hmm. That's a— that's a good joke.
Eric: Thank you.
Brandon: That's a good joke.
Eric: Yeah. I mean, he's like— he's been a soldier for an ex— for most of his life, and now, he's been re— recently, especially with King Hyperion, he's been kind of moved to general diplomacy instead.
Eric (as Res): So you know, it's been a year, your Buildership. How's it hanging? How are things? How's things back at the glass homestead?
Julia (as Constructor Emeritus): We are constantly striving for perfection, and that is the way that we like it.
Eric (as Res): New per— new perfections, new perfections this time?
Julia (as Constructor Emeritus): Always new perfections. Always more.
Eric (as Res): You think— you think you can— you can buff something to be as perfect as possible, but then you find a new way, like a new— a new lacquer, a new solvent, and you're like, "I could get this shinier." That's what I love about Hot House. It's— it's— it's fun. It's— it's— it's fun how you guys are always, you know, making everything perfect all of the time.
Julia (as Constructor Emeritus): There are always steps forward, councilor.
Eric (as Res): Of course. Kids— how's the kids, and the grandkids, and the great grandkids?
Julia (as Constructor Emeritus): Well, as you know, they're all kind of mixed together with everyone else, because we do not believe in families in the way that you do in the Crags, but—
Eric (as Res): Right. Part of the den— yeah, the den ship and— and everything.
Julia (as Constructor Emeritus): They were— they're all raised in the creche, you know?
Eric (as Res): The creche? Do you ha— do you have a favorite?
Julia (as Constructor Emeritus): No.
Eric (as Res): I was jok— your— your Builder— I was joking, your Buildership. I know— I— I was joking. I need cof— can— can someone— I need— can someone get me the coffee? I— I need coffee. But hey, bud, bud, co— I do— as mu— like it's— the largest container in this entire spire, just— just put it all together. And just pour just all the coffee you have. All that bean juice, put it all in and just— right in my mouth.
Amanda: And I think as somebody comes in to refill the very modernist concrete trough of coffee under the conference table, where we can all, you know, dip our roots in.
Eric: Oh, smart. Smart. I like that.
Julia: Hey, not all of us have roots.
Amanda: Well, just behind that attendant comes a gnarled and beautiful, elegant in its own way, but so gnarled and oddly-shaped, hunched over, a crab apple tree.
Brandon: Oh.
Amanda: Who is— is coming in with, you know, humble, well-patched, and well-worn trousers and a cardigan. A little denim shirt under that cardigan. Some, you know, humble and scuffed work boots. This is Leftenant Cresco Greenlong, who— as he comes in, holding a staff for support here, goes—
Brandon: Amanda?
Amanda: Huh?
Brandon: Can I pitch you for a second?
Amanda: Yeah.
Brandon: That we try to walk in at the same time and we get stuck at the doorway.
Amanda: Absolutely. Come on over, bud. Who's— who's hip checking me into the doorframe?
Brandon: Well, I— it's one of those awkward things where like, you know, you're going to the same place, but like you got out of the elevator too early and so you have to walk to the— down the hallway together. You see a radish.
Julia: You motherfucker.
Amanda: You absolute piece of shit.
Eric: I teed this up. This is on me, guys. This one's on me.
Brandon: Yeah, it's on Eric.
Julia: You— both of you.
Amanda: He's a radish, in addition to being named Radish Radish? He is a radish?
Julia: Of course, he is. Of course, he is.
Brandon: Of course, he is.
Julia: Of course, he is.
Amanda: Alright.
Brandon: Well, this radish is wearing a full three-piece suit, vertically striped pants, a checkered vest with—
Eric: Oh, yes.
Brandon: —a collar, a white collar. It's like upturned.
Amanda: Oh.
Eric: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Brandon: Bolo tie.
Julia: How old’s this radish?
Brandon: Well, this— well, let me finish. He's— he's wearing a jacket and then you finish it off with pork chop sideburns.
Eric: Yeah.
Brandon: And a top hat. And this— this radish is pretty fucking old, Julia, but oh, boy, he's spry.
Amanda: Hmm.
Brandon: He is the spriest radish around.
Eric: Hmm.
Julia: Would you say he has old man strength?
Brandon: I would say he might have old— old man acrobatics.
Eric: Is this like when you hear like— you see like a Hollywood star from the '60s and you're like, "How is that man 85?"
Brandon: Yeah, exactly.
Amanda: Yeah. I imagine like— like the— the radish body itself is like quite— kind of like— radishes get kind of like woody on the outside, like an old potato, like when it's too old. But—
Brandon: Uh-hmm.
Amanda: —the— the green is still fresh. Like, still new green sprouting out.
Brandon: Yep. 100%.
Eric: I love that.
Brandon: So then Dr. Radish Radish says—
[Amanda sighs]
Eric: I love when Dr. Radish Radish has already pushed someone out of— out of space—
Amanda: Yep.
Eric: —in terms of character creation
Julia: Like Cresco didn't even finish her fucking statement. Damn, dude.
Amanda: It's fine. It's fine.
Brandon (as Dr. Radish Radish): I am so sorry, sir. Please, after you.
Amanda (as Leftenant Cresco Greenlong): I did see you waiting for me to come out of the staircase, so son, that's just a lot of patterns for this early in the morning.
Brandon (as Dr. Radish Radish): Well, sir, this is the only way I know how to live out loud.
Amanda (as Leftenant Cresco Greenlong): Alright. After you.
Eric (as Res): Guys, the water's fine. It's— it's just me and your Buildership hanging out, just chopping it up. Please, gi— come on in, it's fine.
Amanda (as Leftenant Cresco Greenlong): Constructor Emeritus, great to see you again.
Julia (as Constructor Emeritus): Cresco.
Eric: Alright, let's— let's in— let's introduce ourselves, please. I want to hear about these characters.
Brandon: Yeah, you can go first, Amanda.
Amanda: Oh, sure.
Brandon: And sorry for letting me take over your time.
Amanda: No, all good. So yeah, Cresco Greenlong is from Open Fields, which is— I said a representative democracy. It feels like it wouldn't have the sort of inefficiency of a direct democracy, but for a Yeoman farmer style where— a representative democracy here, that they love pragmatism and virtue. I think that Cresco would describe himself as practical, devoted, and headstrong. And others would describe me as straightforward, edging into boring.
Julia: Damn. Damn.
Eric: Damn, dude.
Julia: Called out.
Amanda: That's right.
Eric: And Brandon, I'm seeing on a card, you're playing a Dr. Radish Radish?
Brandon: Yes. It's a pamphlet, though.
Eric: Oh, yeah.
Brandon: It's a trifold--
Julia: Oh, not a card. There's pages.
Brandon: Yeah. It's on the back of a bottle of tonic.
Amanda: The font is so small.
Brandon: So small.
Julia: And in— in weird shapes, and directions, and so on.
Brandon: Yes, this is Dr. Radish Radish of the Common Stack of Overstalk, which is a difficult phrase to say.
Julia: Hmm.
Eric: That's how they like it. That's how you know— that's how people are— are learned, is if you can pronounce the whole thing.
Brandon: Exactly. Which is also a representative democracy. Overstalk cares about two things most importantly. One is gaining the favor of the Planter and two is trade agreements.
Eric: Yeah. Yay. Is that what— Brandon, is that what Dune's about?
Brandon: Yes, it is. Now, Dr. Radish Radish would describe himself as, I mean, a genius, the guy who gets it, you know? Also, affable and incapable of being bested.
Eric: Hmm.
Julia: I'm sure he would describe himself as that.
Brandon: Now, other people would describe him, Julia, as delusional, self-aggrandizing or a con man.
Amanda: Nice.
Julia: I like that— technically, the character sheet says you just have to come up with one way to describe the way that others would describe you. And you're like, "Here's all the fucking things wrong with him. Let's go." I think very quickly the— the Builder Emeritus is going to look at Dr. Radish Radish and go—
Julia (as Constructor Emeritus): What kind of a man is a doctor?
Julia: Just under his breath.
Brandon (as Dr. Radish Radish): Now, sir, I feel we should hold the ad hominem until later in this meeting.
Eric (as Res): There will be plenty of time for that. Come on, everyone, just take your seats. It's fine. And so, Raddy, so good to see you.
Eric: As Res gives you like a bro hug, but with a— pulls you in close and the fist on your back.
Brandon: And as you get close, Dr. Radish Radish holds you up and says—
Brandon (as Dr. Radish Radish): Call me fucking Dr. Rad or I'll kill you.
Eric (as Res): Doctor— Dr. Rad, I— we're— we're— we're updating, we're updating. We're updating. That's alright.
Brandon: Radish gives you a noogie because you're— and then you're not sure whether or not he's serious.
Eric: And Res is also, remember, a poison oak and a big man, so—so it's like you're noo— you are noogieing my poison oak head. I'm like—
Eric (as Res): Oh, don't want to do that. Alright, here we go. We're—
Brandon (as Dr. Radish Radish): It's okay, I got a tonic for it.
Eric (as Res): I— yeah. I— I hope you do. Put that on quickly and then— alright.
Amanda: Greenlong walks over to the Builder Emeritus, gives you a handshake where he, like, clasps the back of your hand with his other hand, like right hand is shaking, left hand is like clasping the back of your hand.
Julia: He raises his hand like you're gonna kiss his ring.
Amanda: Nope. I deflect— scoop it up and then give you a nice shake.
Amanda (as Leftenant Cresco Greenlong): Wonderful to see you. I'm so— so glad that you're well, so glad that you're well.
Julia (as Constructor Emeritus): I am always well.
Amanda (as Leftenant Cresco Greenlong): I see that, yes. You do—
Julia (as Constructor Emeritus): I was once a god king, I'm going to live forever.
Eric (as Res): Once a god king, always a god king.
Julia (as Constructor Emeritus): That's what they say.
Eric (as Res): That's what my— that's also what my mama said.
Amanda (as Leftenant Cresco Greenlong): It's always impressive when those of you who are not a wind-buffetted and sun-strengthened reach such advanced ages.
Eric: From the other side of the table, Res does like a half bow, like— and like clasp his hand together and being like,
Eric (as Res): Greeny, as always it’s good to see you.
Amanda (as Leftenant Cresco Greenlong): Yes, yes. Same to you.
Amanda: And he— he awkwardly sort of like dipped his shoulders a bit.
Brandon (as Dr. Radish Radish): Well, folks, are we ready to get this meeting started?
Eric (as Res): Well, I— you know, we gotta wait for the— the moderator. He should be here.
Brandon (as Dr. Radish Radish): Oh, of course. Where are my manners?
Eric (as Res): The moderator will be here soon.
Eric: And now that we're all settled, we're going— we're moving to the next stage here. At the last moment, the moderator will— will walk in and each player will describe one thing that is incredibly boring about them.
Amanda: Incredible. I think the blazer that the moderator is wearing, exact same shade as the walls.
Brandon: Yes.
Amanda: Exactly the same shade of beige. To the extent that you're like— your eyes are like, "Is that head floating in space?" "No, no, no, no, no."
Brandon: Yes.
Amanda: No, there's a body. There's a body.
Brandon: I love that.
Julia: I think it's the fact that this person is just like a blade of grass.
Eric: Julia, I was thinking the exact same thing.
Julia: Yeah.
Eric: That's sick as hell. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Just a single blade of grass. I love that.
Amanda: It's so thin.
Eric: The blazer is too big. It's just like draped— draped over.
Julia: And it's really funny because like it's got shoulder pads in it and it really shouldn't. It just— it—
Brandon: Yeah, yeah.
Julia: Like exemplifies more how thin this person is.
Amanda: Like a kid in their parent's suit jacket.
Eric: I think that they're carrying a briefcase that they put on the table and open it up. And then inside is a gavel and then a smaller briefcase that they open that has a lunchbox in it.
Julia: I was gonna say it had just a sandwich in it, Eric!
Eric: But the lunchbox is also the same color as the blazer and therefore, the walls.
Amanda: Nice.
Julia: And it's just like— it's like a butter sandwich inside.
Eric: Yeah, you can imagine. You can imagine.
Julia: Uh-hmm. Uh-hmm.
Brandon: And I'm gonna say that their voice is similar to Ben Stein's voice in Ferris Bueller.
Eric: Hmm.
Julia: Hmm.
Brandon: Where it's like monotone and all one note.
Eric: Also, since the moderator is just an NPC, we can all control the moderator at any time.
Amanda: Oh, nice.
Eric: Yeah.
Julia: Interesting. Do we know— or do we want to confer as to what country the moderator is from?
Eric: That's a great question. The moderator, unless otherwise— I think the moderator kind of just— like, it doesn't necessarily matter. Like, maybe they were from a country, but maybe this was the point— the whole point is that it doesn't matter. The other thing I should say that the moderator is there to keep decorum, arbitrate rules and regulations, and if needed, break ties.
Brandon: Hmm.
Eric: If we get there, I will describe it. But breaking ties is a coin flip. It's totally random.
Amanda: Hmm.
Julia: Uh-hmm.
Brandon: Now, that you said that, I'm imagining— or I— I thought of Kamala Harris who breaks ties in the Senate, and then I remember that her husband, Doug, is the blandest man— blandest white man that I've ever seen, so now I'm just imagining that as the moderator.
Amanda: Doug is ideal stepfather material. Doug has zero personality. Doug is the first gentleman. Doug is blandly Jewish. Doug is a great stepdad to Kamala’s kids.
Julia: So I think that the moderator's name is Doug Blade as in blade of grass.
Brandon: Yeah.
Julia: And it's— the name is so much cooler than who he is as a person.
Amanda: Incredible.
Eric: Yeah, Moderator Doug Blade would be like—
Eric (as Moderator Doug Blade): Alright, alright. I got stuck in the elevator behind the two of you, so we better get started.
Brandon (as Dr. Radish Radish): I did not— I did not even notice you there. I am so sorry, sir.
Eric (as Moderator Doug Blade): I'm sure— I was walking towards it, and I said, "Keep the door open," and then you said, "Ha, ha."
Brandon (as Dr. Radish Radish): And then I did close the door, I am so sorry.
Eric (as Moderator Doug Blade): You did. I thought we made eye contact, but I must have been mistaken.
Brandon (as Dr. Radish Radish): You have eyes? Where are they?
Eric: They're in— they're inset. They're just— they're just there, you don't see. I don't like that this is just a blade of grass. You do not see a mouth or eyes. That's very funny. Like when— like bird ears, you know? Like, you know they're there.
Brandon: Yeah.
Amanda: Uh-hmm.
Julia: You know birds have ears, but where are they?
Amanda: Where are they?
Julia: Where are they?
Amanda: I don't know.
Eric (as Moderator Doug Blade): Alright, it's time to get started. Everyone take your seats. Gavel, gavel, gavel.
Eric: Is everybody ready?
Brandon: Yeah.
Julia: Yeah, I'm ready. Let's do it.
Eric: Alright, so let's get started. So this is how the game works. Going by docket order, the first/next character introduces their motion. They can talk as much as they want, or as long, or as short. Characters will then discuss, question, clarify, interrogate, compliment, intimidate, and more about the topic. When the conversation lulls, the moderator will call for a vote of yes or no. If it gets a majority vote, it is ratified, and we move on to the next motion. If it fails, or there is a tie, it is kept on the docket to be re-voted on later. And then we repeat, and we'll kind of bring it back up again if— if we are still missing a certain number. Remember, the Diamond Knot can ratify up to three motions, but it doesn't have to be three. You can totally leave this game without ratifying anything.
Brandon: Hmm.
Amanda (as Leftenant Cresco Greenlong): We shan't because this is very important for all of us.
Eric: Hmm. That— that's fair.
Brandon (as Dr. Radish Radish): We shall see, sir. We— Sally sell sea shells.
Brandon: I can't talk like that.
Julia (as Constructor Emeritus): She sells sea shells by the seashore.
Amanda (as Leftenant Cresco Greenlong): Shessomickey.
Eric (as Res): If I can say one thing about— about Amanda, she's incredibly Mickey. I—
Amanda: Alright.
Eric: Some things to keep in mind while we're playing the game. Anyone can and should bring up people, factions, historical events, and places. Once they are established, they are locked in canon, which is also known as Hello from the Magic Tavern theory. They can only be undone or— or node if they conflict with something that has already been established. So anything that we've already done on the show is our— is canon, but we can add things as long as it makes sense in world. Of course, if you're doing this out of a world, just make stuff up. Players are encouraged to follow yes and— and if someone says you did something, you probably did it, but you can spin it however you like. Of course, you can always do it back to them.
Julia: Hmm.
Eric: Invoke rules and regulations at your content and discretion. If you want to revote, then revote and say the rule, or revote because you said so and everyone likes you, because they'll do what you want.
Julia: Fair.
Eric: Remember, if you're doing a personality move, which we will do, and we haven't revealed any of them, but if they come up, you have to narrate a roleplay the action and then clearly announced the move but only after you've done the thing, much like we have with PBTA when we played Monster of the Week, or when you do masks, or games like that, you got to do the thing and then you announce the move.
Amanda: Love it.
Julia: Uh-hmm.
Eric: So we're gonna go through this and then we'll— we'll see how it shakes out.
Julia: Cool.
Amanda: I'm excited.
Brandon: Cool.
Eric: Alright. Let's do it.
Eric (as Moderator Doug Blade): Alright. Alright. Let's open up the docket. Let's see what you've all prepared. First on the docket, an introduction of a— a plan to capsule middle-ranking mates and social climbing captains, as introduced by the councilor from the Crags.
Eric (as Res): Thank you, folks. So nice to be here. So nice to see all of you— see you all of you now. I know we weren't anticipating being here. I know we're still five months away from our annual meeting, but—
Brandon (as Dr. Radish Radish): Here, here.
Eric (as Res): —it was im— but it was important, I think, for all of our— all of our various leaders to call this meeting, to have all of us come to the spire. It seems that things are just getting a little bit out of control on the Great Salt Sea, a lot— a lot of ups and downs, a lot of wins and— a lot of wins and losses, not for us, but of course, for the— for the people who are there on the sea. The pirates are doing— doing a lot. And I think we're— we're having to get to a point where all of the governments— and I— I don't think I'm speaking out of turn to say this, but all of our governments and our leaderships think that we have to do something at this point. We've tried—
[Representative mumble and grumble]
Brandon: I imagine this is sort of like the UK parliament where they just like make noises at each other.
Eric: Oh, 100%, 100%, 100%.
Brandon: Okay.
Eric (as Res): So if anything, you don't have to vote— you don't have to vote for this motion, but we do need to do something. I'm just at least saying that maybe we should ratify— if you don't like what I'm saying, I'm willing to swap this out just to ratify that we're doing something to keep the pirates on their toes, to know that they are not all powerful as of— to know that they are not agents acting on their own accord. This is just the idea that I'm bringing forward from King Hyperion, and I think that we might all be interested in, just to spit ball and get some ideas flowing as we're talking about it. We'd like to introduce a plan to capture middle-ranking mates and social climbing captains, we think that they may be the most likely to flip. And also even if they don't flip, it will cement the fact that the countries are doing something because they will, in fact, talk the most, and isn't there anything that a pirate would want to do? Which is talk about how they got captured and escaped dramatically. Whether, of course, they do, or we give them some money, and then they go out and say that they did. They're gonna have to save their own face. So thi— this is just the first idea that we're putting out here for— I'm excited to hear all of the various meetings. Thank you all for letting me go first as well.
Brandon (as Dr. Radish Radish): Here, here.
Eric (as Res): It's just the first idea, introduction of a plan to capture pirates who love to talk about all of the things they've done, and we pretend that they get one over on us, but of course, we have them.
Julia (as Constructor Emeritus): Is this not, Councilor Twizzleton, very similar to the financial incentive that we have been providing for middle-ranking mates and also social climbing captains. The financial incentive has seemed to have proved effective, so why the need for capture?
Eric (as Res): As it—
Julia (as Constructor Emeritus): The nature of pirates themselves seems to be rebellion, so would not capturing them give them less incentive to stay on our side?
Eric (as Res): I understand where you're coming from, your— my— my good skyscraper. Of course, the—
Julia (as Constructor Emeritus): Again, official title, please, sir.
Eric (as Res): Of course, of course. I— I apologize. We— we have done this, and there are— and there are Diamond Knot agents throughout the Great Salt Sea. But the reports that we're having, it seems like there's only so much— there's only so much that they can do. We have flipped pirates who have got— who have gotten captured, gotten into sticky situations. Of course, we have the captain of the Money Tree who's been regularly— probably our best agent, but there's only so much she can do as being the kind of person who is willing to work as a double agent on the Great Salt Sea. We— we are— it seems that the— the honey we're putting out are capturing flies that are willing to drink honey, as it is.
Amanda (as Leftenant Cresco Greenlong): I move that we table this discussion and revisit it after motion to, which I think is a different approach to the same end. Is that alright with you, Res?
Eric (as Res): I— I think then— I would like to swap out, that's fine. We don't have to do the thing that we— we are proposing, and I just want to start the conversation. Then I would like to kind of swap out this mo— our first motion here is that I would like to ratify a message, saying that we are going to do something to keep the pirates on our toe— on their toes. And then all of us are going—
Eric: And then I'm going to change this in the docket.
Eric (as Res): That all of— all— ever— that we are going to re— that we are now resolved to keeping the pirates on their toes and make sure—
Brandon (as Dr. Radish Radish): Nay, sir.
Eric (as Res): —they're not known as only— as the— the most powerful people out in the Great Salt Sea.
Brandon (as Dr. Radish Radish): I could not disagree more with you, sir. We do need to have a show of force. I propose that we continue your motion, but tag along a motion of raising an army to be the— the force behind this measure. Why stop at middle-ranking? How are we going to capture pirates if we don't have our own force?
Amanda (as Leftenant Cresco Greenlong): Do I have a second on the motion to table this discussion? For I feel motion two is taking both concerns at once.
Eric (as Moderator Doug Blade): Gavel, gavel, gavel. Hold on, we need to talk about the motion that is in front of us in the first place.
Amanda (as Leftenant Cresco Greenlong): Fine, Douglas.
Eric (as Moderator Doug Blade): Thank you. Councilor, are you changing the official motion to keeping as you say pirates on their toes?
Eric (as Res): Yes, that's exa— I'm changing the first motion, too, for all of us to be united and say that we're all going to do this together as— for at least until the time of the next— at least until the time of the next meeting, then we're all going to try to keep— that we need to keep the pirates on their toes.
Brandon (as Dr. Radish Radish): Harumph, harumph.
Julia (as Constructor Emeritus): Vagueness is the antithesis of perfection.
Brandon (as Dr. Radish Radish): Agreed. Seconded.
Eric (as Res): Is there anything you'd like to add? I— I would love to— I'd love to detail this at least enough for all of us to unify under it.
Julia (as Constructor Emeritus): I would like to second the Cresco's motion to move it down the docket until we have had further discussions, for I think ratifying further motions will allow us to solidify our message.
Brandon (as Dr. Radish Radish): Thirded.
Eric (as Res): Alright, we'll come— alright, we'll come back to it. That's fine. We'll come back to it.
[theme]
Amanda: Hey, it's Amanda, I hope you are enjoying this incredible episode as much as I did. I laughed uproariously when preparing for it, when playing it, and when listening to this edited version afterwards, so I hope you get half as much of the enjoyment as I did out of this ep. But first, we have to thank the people who support the show on Patreon. This is the reason why Eric can spend several days of his workday making a brand-new RPG for this specific podcast, and why Brandon can spend time getting the sound effects you'll hear later in this episode exactly right. And Julia and me can fantastically think, and DM, and plot, and plan all about what our characters will do. So we would love your support if the show means something to you, and you're able to show us that meaning with a couple dollars a month, please do so at patreon.com/jointhepartypod. You'll get ad-free episodes so you don't have to, you know, check in with me here in the midroll and all other kinds of goodies, like additional bi-weekly content called Party Planning, audio and video format, access to our patron-only Discord, genuinely, the sweetest, most wholesome place on the internet. And even the chance to sit down and play your own One Shot, your own RPG with us, all four of us and you on a Zoom call. It'd be amazing at patreon.com/jointhepartypod. This week at Multitude, we have been putting out some incredible guest episodes, if I do say so myself, over on Spirits, the history and comedy podcast that Julia and I have co-hosted since 2016. Good God. That's a long time ago. Every week, Julia brings me a new story from mythology and folklore, and we have a cocktail and we talk all about it. So you will learn, and you will laugh, and you'll do a lot of reflecting but, like, in a safe way among friends about mortality and humanity, and what it is that we as humans care about in the kinds of stories that we tell. I have really been enjoying our most recent guests episodes, like I was saying, and we have several really exciting ones planned. So jump into any one of our almost 400 episodes. You don't have to listen in order. You can choose whatever you like at spiritspodcast.com or look up Spirits in your podcast app. We are sponsored this week by Green Chef, which delivers pre-portioned and prepped quality whole foods with limited processed ingredients. They send organic fresh produce, responsibly sourced proteins, and chef-designed recipes in every box, so you get satisfying, nourishing, and also convenient meals right at home. 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[theme]
Eric (as Moderator Doug Blade): Motion one is tabled. We're going to the second motion.
Amanda (as Leftenant Cresco Greenlong): Thank you very much. Raised, of course, by me, Leftenant Cresco Greenlong of Open Fields.
Brandon (as Dr. Radish Radish): We all know who you are, sir.
Amanda (as Leftenant Cresco Greenlong): For the record.
Amanda: And then Cresco's eyes go over to the bank of stick bugs that are— that are transcribing the meeting for all of us. You know how in the Supreme Court, the clerks just sit behind the justices. The clerks just sit behind them. And like you can't see it from photography, because the photographer is below the— the podium, and so you can only see up at them. But there are just clerks behind them in their H&M suits, like taking notes for the justice system.
Julia: In their H&M suits, roasted.
Eric: In their H&M suits.
Amanda: That's what's happening.
Eric: Goddammit.
Amanda: They're not paid very much. Anyway—
Amanda (as Leftenant Cresco Greenlong): I move that we confiscate all keys from pirates, that we have a motion, that we have a policy that every single nation is united behind, that all keys must be confiscated on sight and remanded to state control. It's up to you how you enforce this, if you send Greenfolk power out onto the sea to confiscate them actively, or if you simply search pirates upon return to land. But all keys must be compensated and remanded to state control, or else how will we ever get anything done?
Brandon (as Dr. Radish Radish): Here, here.
Eric (as Res): Yeah.
Julia (as Constructor Emeritus): I wonder, Cresco, how we would manage to combat the regenerating maze key issue in regards to confiscating all keys from pirates.
Amanda (as Leftenant Cresco Greenlong): We only need one to unlock the Salmon, and so I feel that is not something to be concerned with, unless as a separate motion we wish to obtain and then remove the source of such keys.
Julia (as Constructor Emeritus): Well, as you are aware, Hot House has acquired a maze key.
Amanda (as Leftenant Cresco Greenlong): Yes.
Julia (as Constructor Emeritus): It is part of how we have been able to develop the key mold, something that I would like to discuss further in our next motion.
Amanda (as Leftenant Cresco Greenlong): Certainly.
Brandon (as Dr. Radish Radish): May I put forward a motion then to burn down the Labyrinth?
Amanda (as Leftenant Cresco Greenlong): I don't see any available space on the docket.
Julia: Ooh. Damn.
Brandon (as Dr. Radish Radish): As— this is part of the— I'm on your side, Greenlong.
Amanda (as Leftenant Cresco Greenlong): Well, first—
Eric: I think—
Amanda (as Leftenant Cresco Greenlong): —I move we ratify the motion in front of us to confiscate all keys from pirates, specifically for each nation to adopt a policy of remanding all keys to state control.
Brandon (as Dr. Radish Radish): I cannot ratify such a motion without enforcement policies somehow.
Eric (as Res): I would agree with that. I think that you got to— if there's anything I've learned from my time out in the field is that you got—
Eric: Oh, in the field, that's funnier.
Eric (as Res): Is that if there's anything I learned from my time in the field, you got to make sure you're doing something about it. Put— you got to put some guys behind it. I think we got to decide— more so, how are we going to do this? My other question is, do agents of the countries that are there count with it already being confiscated or are we putting it all together and kind of a Diamond Knot trust to someone specifically? Like, are we gonna give it all— you know, for example, are— is Lucky Edie going to go around and grab all of them?
Amanda (as Leftenant Cresco Greenlong): Our purpose here is to— to restate the givens, is to coordinate action for mutual benefit of all four nations of Verda Stello, is it not?
Brandon (as Dr. Radish Radish): Of course.
Eric (as Res): Of course, of course. That's why we got up early today.
Amanda (as Leftenant Cresco Greenlong): Yes. It is not—
Julia (as Constructor Emeritus): It's— it certainly doesn't seem like you all got up early today.
Amanda (as Leftenant Cresco Greenlong): I was in the conference room we used last time. Nobody told me—
Amanda: We look back at his mail slot where there are several updated notes with the new calendar invite. It's highlighted, it's underlined, it's bolded. Yeah.
Brandon: There's even a sign on the door of the old conference room that says, "Go to the new conference room."
Julia: “Not this one.”
Eric: I— I like this— I know I'm just envisioning this but it's like— you know when the— when a priest has like an office in the church?
Amanda: Yes.
Eric: Like, imagine that, and there's like— it's just spilling like a— a door slot—
Amanda: Uh-hmm.
Eric: —like a mail slot is just overflowing—
Amanda: Yes.
Eric: —with these terrible— with these, like, incredibly redlined—
Amanda: Yep.
Eric: —pieces of mail.
Amanda (as Leftenant Cresco Greenlong): Our agreement is to coordinate action not to prescribe policy to each country unless it benefits all of us. I feel Open Fields knows how to manage its people, as it were, and I trust each of you to do the same. My remit—
Brandon (as Dr. Radish Radish): Oh, you certainly.
Amanda (as Leftenant Cresco Greenlong): —at this point— thank you, Radish, for the interruptions that are ultimately favorable to me. I move that, at this time, phase one of the plan is to confiscate keys from citizens to state control so that we, the representatives of said states, may decide what to do with them.
Eric (as Res): I just want to know what counts as state control. That's all I want to know. I— again, I'm— this sounds interesting and— and— and something that King Hyperion could absolutely get behind, something that we were talk— we were talking about earlier. I just want to know who state control counts as.
Brandon (as Dr. Radish Radish): Well, sir, if you do scroll down to motion number seven on the docket—
Julia: Too low on the docket.
Amanda: We unroll the scroll further.
Brandon (as Dr. Radish Radish): I do have a plan to fix that particular contingency.
Amanda (as Leftenant Cresco Greenlong): That motion, I believed, was a joke, which is inappropriate in this forum. What I'm saying is—
Eric (as Res): I— I was— I spent 15 minutes laughing to myself, being like, "That Dr. Radish Radish—"
Amanda (as Leftenant Cresco Greenlong): Right?
Eric (as Res): "Doc Rad— Doc Rads, hilarious. Can't believe he's so smart and also so funny."
Julia (as Constructor Emeritus): I do not find anything funny and I also assumed that it was a joke.
Amanda (as Leftenant Cresco Greenlong): Is that the key to your longevity?
Julia (as Constructor Emeritus): Yes. No amusement, that is how one lives as long as I do.
Amanda (as Leftenant Cresco Greenlong): Fascinating, virtuous. I like it.
Eric (as Res): I heard laugh lines are the first sign of cancer, so—
Julia: Jesus Christ.
Eric (as Res): That's what I heard. I heard it. Like— smart, smart.
Brandon (as Dr. Radish Radish): I am— I am simply stating that we have come to two inevitable conclusions, one of which is we do not have a central body to manage such things and two, we have no arm of enforcement. So I move that we have the wonderful, manifold, brilliant Hot House build their army to be our enforcement arm, and we allow— we elect a single supreme wartime leader as well,
Julia (as Constructor Emeritus): Mo— Moderator Blade, a moment if you will. Clearly, we are going out of order here and the Doctor is very aware of that fact. But secondly, I would like to entertain that, and let us cast our vote on motion seven now.
Amanda (as Leftenant Cresco Greenlong): I vote nay. I will not—
Brandon (as Dr. Radish Radish): I would like my oppor— Sir, Moderator, I would like my opportunity to spe— to preach my case.
Julia (as Constructor Emeritus): Did you not already?
Amanda: And then the crab apples, like, branches all rustled.
Eric (as Moderator Doug Blade): Alright. Fir— first thing we do two and then we can skip to seven. How is that?
Julia (as Constructor Emeritus): No, I would like to address it now.
Eric (as Moderator Doug Blade): Alright, we can be— if ever one thing— let's hear number— let's hear motion seven.
Amanda (as Leftenant Cresco Greenlong): Why do we even number them if we're not going to go by the numbers?
Eric (as Res): A docket, it's just like jazz. It's the motions you don't play.
Julia (as Constructor Emeritus): It is not, but okay.
Amanda (as Leftenant Cresco Greenlong): That makes no sense.
Brandon (as Dr. Radish Radish): Res and I— Res and I get it. We are resonating, if you will.
Julia: Oh, my God.
Amanda: Is this the character Brandon was born to play?
Julia (as Constructor Emeritus): Good Lord, sir, make your arguments so we may vote.
Eric (as Res): Dr. Rad, please.
Brandon (as Dr. Radish Radish): Apologies. Apologies. Well, as you all know the person that has brought me here today, the one and only, the Grand Rotten Cherimoya, has sent me here today in his steed. Now, we all know— I know that all of us here are quite old, old produce, and vegetables here, but we know that the Grand Rotten Cherimoya is at least two times as old as all of us, and four times as wise.
Amanda (as Leftenant Cresco Greenlong): Point of order, I've never heard of this once in my life, this Greenfolk. I need clarification.
Brandon (as Dr. Radish Radish): I'm sorry. Have you never visited the Common Sttack of Overstalk where our grand leader is the Grand Rotten Cher— our most prized citizen, the Grand Rotten Cherimoya? Now, did you not come and visit us but six weeks ago?
Amanda (as Leftenant Cresco Greenlong): Oh, I— of course, I— I apologize. I— Res— Res, you're hogging all the coffee.
Eric (as Res): It's just for me, specifically. I— you know, it's been a little while since I've been to the great common— the— the great Common Stack of Overstalk. What— yeah. What's been happening over there? What's new?
Eric: And I'm going to use my move, which is called feigned incompetent.
Amanda: Oh, oh, oh.
Julia: Oh.
Eric: Feigned incompetent means if you say that you don't understand what someone said, the speaker must summarize what they said safely, clearly, and at the comprehension level of a smart golden retriever. So the question I'm asking is, what's happened in the Overstalk government that has put the Rotten Cherimoya in power? And you have to describe it as clearly as possible, and obviously as possible.
Brandon (as Dr. Radish Radish): Councilor Res, thank you for your interest in our— our humble, humble country. Well, sir, recently— hmm, let me think about how to put this.
Julia: It's funny because I— I thought when we would meet Dr. Radish Radish, I would love this character, but I hate him.
Amanda: Uh-hmm. Incredible.
Julia: He sucks.
Brandon (as Dr. Radish Radish): When our great bialy was first formed, there was a hand who did such planting, we can all agree that hand was the Planter, no?
Amanda (as Leftenant Cresco Greenlong): Here, here. Here, here.
Eric (as Res): Of course.
Brandon (as Dr. Radish Radish): Now, the Planter, as far as we know it, is unknowable.
Amanda (as Leftenant Cresco Greenlong): Here, here. Here, here.
Brandon (as Dr. Radish Radish): But recently, in our humble country, my best friend, my leader, the Grand Rotten Cherimoya has uncovered some wonderful books that helped him learn more about the Planter more than we have ever known before.
Eric: Alright. I'm gonna enforce my move, I'm gonna do this out of character. What happened to the government—
Julia: What happened?
Eric: —that put the rot— the rotten Cherimoya to— to power?
Brandon: I was getting to it, Eric.
Amanda: He's telling you.
Eric: Okay, okay, okay, okay.
Brandon: I gotta talk very slowly because I'm a Southern boy.
Eric: No, I know. No, no, but with the move—
Amanda: It was a Joseph Smith situation.
Eric: No. No. I liked— I liked that you said it. I liked that you said it. For my move, I want you to tell me, Brandon, right now what happened.
Brandon: Oh, in— in Brandon language?
Eric : In Brandon language. You gotta say it super clearly.
Brandon: Okay.
Eric: And then I'm making myself look stupid, and you have to describe it to me clearly.
Brandon: I think—
Eric: Yeah.
Brandon: —that what happened is that Overstalk is very— I'm trying to think of how explain this to a child. The leaders of Overstalk respect knowledge and discovery of that knowledge a lot.
Eric: Sure.
Brandon: And so when one— it only happens once in every few generations, but whence— once a person makes a— a very important discovery about our religious leader, the Planter, they are elevated quickly to status of— not— not like a— like a god or anything, but more like a— like a Pope or other sort of religious leader.
Julia: Brandon, is this bitch just Joseph Smith?
Brandon: It's not, not Joseph Smith, Julia.
Eric: No, I— I like this, though, because in the past, the speaker who was the bee woman was just like the speaker. And now, it's like the speaker has power, when she's supposed to be the speaker.
Brandon: Yeah. But it's not like an elected position. It's not like a position that continues. Once the Grand Rotten Cherimoya dies, no one will become that position until someone else finds a grand religious discovery.
Amanda: Yeah. Joseph Smith, Jr.—
Eric: Oh.
Amanda: —was a real disappointment.
Eric: I understand. This is— this is different than the leader is now. Okay. Yeah, for sure. For sure. For sure.
Amanda: Hell yeah.
Eric: Okay, cool.
Brandon (as Dr. Radish Radish): And that is my time on discover— on discussing—
Eric: I love that you— yeah. You— you talked for 15 minutes.
Amanda: Uh-hmm. Uh-hmm.
Eric: Yeah.
Eric (as Res): I think we can vote. Can we vote?
Julia (as Constructor Emeritus): Moderator Blade, yes.
Eric (as Res): Can we vote?
Brandon (as Dr. Radish Radish): Could we— could we please vote on this? What— what is that at the door?
Brandon: And I want to use my move.
Amanda: Ah!
Eric: Yes!
Julia: Oh, my God.
Brandon: And in bust through the door, a tiny, little jumping spider that is—
Amanda: Lucas?
Brandon: —the fastest thing you've ever seen.
Julia: Who can say? Who can say?
Amanda: Huh.
Julia: Does he have a cute, little voice?
Brandon: He has a cute, little voice. And on the back of the jumping spider, you see a little pack, like a— like a leather brief— not briefcase, but like satchel thing.
Eric: Oh, my God.
Brandon: And he says—
Brandon (as Jumping Spider): Sir, sir, Dr. Radish Radish, urgent message.
Brandon: And I'm using my move, which is called tragic. A foot man may run in and slip you a note about a devastating event. This can be an assassination, a natural disaster, a death in your family, whatever. You are encouraged to use this to your benefit.
Amanda: Oh, my God.
Julia: Yeah. What's the— what's the note say?
Brandon: So Dr. Radish Radish takes this note from the little jumping spider, and reads it, and says—
Brandon (as Dr. Radish Radish): Oh, no. Oh, my— oh, my stars.
Amanda (as Lieutenant Cresco Greenlong): I didn't know we could get mail to the conference room.
Brandon (as Dr. Radish Radish): Thank you. Thank you, young page. Here's a little tip for your time. Don't eat yellow snow. Off you go now.
Julia: You just hear under his breath, the Builder Emeritus goes—
Julia (as Constructor Emeritus): Doctors.
Amanda: Incredible.
Brandon: Dr. Radish Radish solemnly looks up at his fellow councilors and says—
Brandon (as Dr. Radish Radish): I do not mean to bring tragedy upon this sacred meeting of—
Amanda (as Lieutenant Cresco Greenlong): It could wait.
Brandon (as Dr. Radish Radish): —such astute and enlightened gentle folk, but it seems the Grand Rotten Cherimoya has died.
Amanda (as Lieutenant Cresco Greenlong): Okay, so we're tabling that motion, are we not?
Julia (as Constructor Emeritus): No, I think we can just vote that it didn't—
Amanda (as Lieutenant Cresco Greenlong): Nay, nay.
Julia (as Constructor Emeritus): Nay.
Eric: And— and Res gets up and then— and wraps Dr. Radish Radish in a big hug.
Brandon (as Dr. Radish Radish): Oh, thank you, sir. Thank you, sir.
Eric (as Res): Your— I'm so— I can't believe your best friend, just gunned down in his prime.
Amanda (as Lieutenant Cresco Greenlong): Oh, he was killed?
Brandon (as Dr. Radish Radish): Yeah. Oh, so you— did you know about this— we'll investigate that later. He wasn't—
Eric (as Res): No, I just— no, I just— I— I just assume whenever someone gets traumatic news like that, my— when you said he was your best friend and then usually they've been gunned down in their prime.
Brandon (as Dr. Radish Radish): Yeah. Yeah. He was assassinated and by the rules of rel— of religious rite, because I am the one in which he trusted the knowledge of his grand discovery, that does mean that I am now the Grand Rotten Dr. Radish Radish.
Amanda (as Lieutenant Cresco Greenlong): Nay.
Julia (as Constructor Emeritus): Nay.
Amanda (as Lieutenant Cresco Greenlong): Res?
Brandon (as Dr. Radish Radish): Unfortunately, you cannot vote on our country's measures, but now, I am—
Eric (as Res): I'm—
Amanda (as Lieutenant Cresco Greenlong): I'm gonna motion nay.
Julia (as Constructor Emeritus): We can vote on the motion of—
Brandon (as Dr. Radish Radish): Oh. Oh, I would never insert myself in this. We can table this discussion for now.
Amanda (as Lieutenant Cresco Greenlong): Okay.
Eric (as Res): I'm also saying— hey, doc, this is an incredible and also tragic news. I'm— I hope you heal— you take time to heal before you step into power. I'm also saying nay.
Amanda (as Leftenant Cresco Greenlong): Alright, Douglas, write it down.
Brandon (as Dr. Radish Radish): I— do not— do not— do not debase yourself, fellow gentle folk. We do not need to vote on this motion.
Amanda (as Leftenant Cresco Greenlong): Well, we did. We did.
Brandon (as Dr. Radish Radish): But now, I must say aloud, I— my voice does carry the weight of the com— Common Stack of Overstalk, so I am now—
Amanda (as Leftenant Cresco Greenlong): Douglas, it's three to one that is voted down, no?
Julia (as Constructor Emeritus): Yes, yes,
Brandon (as Dr. Radish Radish): I do now speak for my people.
Amanda (as Leftenant Cresco Greenlong): Congratulations. Next.
Eric: Alright.
Julia (as Constructor Emeritus): Were— I— I have a point of order, were you not already speaking for your people?
Brandon (as Dr. Radish Radish): My voice was the voice of the Grand Rotten Cherimoya.
Julia (as Constructor Emeritus): That's not—
Brandon (as Dr. Radish Radish): And he is the one that spoke for the people.
Julia (as Constructor Emeritus): That's not how this works.
Brandon (as Dr. Radish Radish): But now, I directly speak for my people.
Eric (as Res): This man is speaking out of tragedy. Can we turn down the temperature, boys, friends?
Brandon (as Dr. Radish Radish): It is rather warm in here. Page, can you turn it down?
Eric (as Res): Can we turn—
Julia (as Constructor Emeritus): I've known hundreds of people who have died during meetings.
Amanda (as Leftenant Cresco Greenlong): We're all gonna die one day.
Julia: There we go. End of statement. We're done.
Brandon (as Dr. Radish Radish): I hope not.
Amanda: And Greenlong uses his personality move, a custom one, called we're all going to die, where I must remind everyone that we are all going to die one day as a rhetorical tool, at least once per meeting. So everyone just sits there in their mortality for a second.
Eric: Mechanically, this also— the first time you do it, it stops all conversation in its tracks.
Amanda: There you go.
Julia: Great.
Brandon: Oh.
Julia: Can we strike from the record then? We're done? We're done with seven?
Brandon: Yeah, we are.
Amanda (as Leftenant Cresco Greenlong): This motion is denied. Douglas, next.
Eric (as Moderator Doug Blade): Motion seven is denied. Let's return to motion two, confiscating all of the keys. We need to keep this moving, so let's go to a vote.
Brandon (as Dr. Radish Radish): I do have some lifelong tonic after the meeting if anybody wants, just come meet me.
Eric (as Moderator Doug Blade): We're—
Amanda (as Leftenant Cresco Greenlong): I, of course, vote aye. It is important to remand all keys to state control, and at the next meeting, we'll figure out what to do with them. To answer your question, Radish, if you can't control your keys, I can't help you. But any amount of keys remanded to state control, whether directly in the hands of your leader, I suppose conveniently that would be yourself, or in a trusted representative and whom you trust that defines control.
Eric (as Res): Thank you. Thank you. I also vote aye.
Brandon (as Dr. Radish Radish): Now, as a gesture of goodwill to my fellow Councilor Greenlong, I will table the— the notion of how we enforce said rule.
Amanda (as Leftenant Cresco Greenlong): Thank you.
Brandon (as Dr. Radish Radish): But I do think that said rule is a good one, I vote aye.
Julia (as Constructor Emeritus): The motion is passed without me having to vote. That's odd.
Eric (as Moderator Doug Blade): It's still important— it's— it's still important for the rules that everyone votes.
Brandon (as Dr. Radish Radish): We must know your position.
Julia (as Constructor Emeritus): I will— hmm, I will vote aye, but I do have some suggestions on what to do during our next meeting.
Eric (as Moderator Doug Blade): The motion passes. The Diamond Knot will administer the confiscation of all keys from pirates.
Amanda (as Leftenant Cresco Greenlong): Thank you, gentlemen, for considering this fairly and over a long period of time.
Julia (as Constructor Emeritus): It was quite a long period.
Eric (as Moderator Doug Blade): Alright, next, next. Let's move it— let's move it along. Number three.
Julia (as Constructor Emeritus): The Hot House would—
Eric (as Moderator Doug Blade): Gavel, gavel, gavel, gavel. Sorry.
Julia (as Constructor Emeritus): The Hot House would like to move forward the motion to devote more resources towards further development and perfection of the key molds. Now, every one of us has benefited from the technology of the Hot House, whether that is your printing presses, your radio, your television. Hot House asks that you devote more resources to dealing with the issue of the keys. And the key mold seems, as we have agreed in past meetings, to be our best path forward since we cannot quell the pirate scourge.
Brandon (as Dr. Radish Radish): I would like to move that we immediately vote on this resolution, on this motion.
Amanda (as Leftenant Cresco Greenlong): Seconded.
Eric (as Res): Well, hold on, I— I fault— hey, buddies, I— I got some questions. Come on. My— my king got— has sent me with some— with some questions here.
Brandon (as Dr. Radish Radish): Please.
Eric (as Res): I got to— I want to know just— what further resources are you asking for and from who?
Julia (as Constructor Emeritus): I would ask that all of the countries provide more resources, both the physical resources for manufacturing more key molds, as well as financial resources to accommodate our scientists and builders.
Amanda (as Leftenant Cresco Greenlong): Now, may I add that in the light of the motion that has been previously ratified, this is perhaps a moot point. The key mold is an excellent technology for circumventing the obtaining, dangerous and expensive though it is, of the keys. However, if we should, as moved, confiscate all keys from all pirates and sovereign citizens, that means we have the keys we need.
Julia (as Constructor Emeritus): I believe the issue remains, however, that while there are many of the maze keys available for us to confiscate, the issue arises with the three other keys. And in particular, the resources— if we would like to have all of the countries have all of the keys, which I think is our goal at the end of the day.
Amanda (as Leftenant Cresco Greenlong): Not for me. It's for us as a Diamond Knot to have access to the Salmon and make the world we wish to see.
Brandon (as Dr. Radish Radish): I feel it is best if we each have one key and then combine.
Julia (as Constructor Emeritus): We are— we are however dealing with an issue of scarcity. And with enough—
Brandon (as Dr. Radish Radish): That is rich coming from rich Hot House.
Amanda (as Leftenant Cresco Greenlong): I thought the ad hominems were to wait.
Julia (as Constructor Emeritus): Yes.
Brandon (as Dr. Radish Radish): I apologize, I apologize.
Amanda (as Leftenant Cresco Greenlong): Builder Emeritus where is the key mold technology as of now? May you refresh me?
Julia (as Constructor Emeritus): Well, I would— we have created the key molds. However, we have only really been able to base that off of our limited ability to study the keys, as we have only been able to collect maze keys. However, I have moved this motion forward because we have, in fact, at Hot House, acquired a second key.
Amanda (as Leftenant Cresco Greenlong): Oh, do tell.
Eric (as Moderator Doug Blade): Hmm.
Julia (as Constructor Emeritus): Currently, an agent of the Hot House has acquired and is in possession of one of the other keys.
Amanda (as Leftenant Cresco Greenlong): Which?
Brandon (as Dr. Radish Radish): Which one?
Eric (as Res): Which one?
Julia (as Constructor Emeritus): The key with the gaze.
Eric (as Res): Incredible. I think— what— you convinced that while— you convinced that wiley old scab to come over while you gave him like infinite— infinite locks to pick. What— what'd you do?
Julia (as Constructor Emeritus): I cannot reveal the way in which we have acquired that key. It would put several of our agents in the field in danger.
Eric (as Res): Oh, come on.
Brandon (as Dr. Radish Radish): I cannot believe what I'm hearing. Without agreement from all four parties, a single party--
Brandon: It sounds like I'm saying potty.
Amanda: It's great. It's so good.
Julia: Potty.
Brandon (as Dr. Radish Radish): Has moved and taken two of the four keys for themselves.
Amanda (as Leftenant Cresco Greenlong): And I should say—
Brandon (as Dr. Radish Radish): The gaul, the utter gaul.
Amanda (as Leftenant Cresco Greenlong): I—
Julia (as Constructor Emeritus): Well, we've all acquired maze keys. This is nothing new to us.
Eric (as Res): It's the rules of the road, or the sea as it is. It's—
Julia (as Constructor Emeritus): And it is difficult to share a single key among four different nations.
Amanda (as Leftenant Cresco Greenlong): Then?
Julia (as Constructor Emeritus): And I bring this motion forward so that we may move forward in perfecting our key mold and in studying the key with the gaze.
Eric (as Res): I— here— here's an idea. I think the bigger issue is that we can't just like give more, we can't— and there's only so many places in our budgets that we can wipe things away and dump it into, you know, secret Hot House science development. If we're going to do this, you got to give us something in return. What— how— where are we going to put our money towards?
Julia (as Constructor Emeritus): What you get in return is— oh, actually, this provides a very interesting perspective, as my second motion on the docket, you'll be able to refer to number six on the docket, is adopting a more advanced communication system in which our nations may communicate more freely and almost instantaneously. So in providing money for that project, and that movement as well, we can also siphon more money towards the development of the key molds.
Eric (as Res): Oh, all right. I see how this is going. Okay. Let's—
Brandon (as Dr. Radish Radish): May I assume that you would be in control of this communication system?
Julia (as Constructor Emeritus): It would be of the best interest that all of the countries built their own aspects of the communication system. However, I would recommend sending scientists from Hot House in order to maintain them.
[Dr. Radish Radish harumphs]
Eric (as Res): Ah, this is— alright, let's— this is interesting. This is getting hot. This is boiling up. Alright, let's— let's combine three if— you know, ski— you know—
Julia (as Constructor Emeritus): I will allow the motions to be combined if I have the willingness to vote a yay in favor of those.
Eric (as Res): Hey, slim, why don't you put three and six together?
Amanda (as Leftenant Cresco Greenlong): Well, I do have to advise in the— in the spirit of openness that I cannot, in good faith, devote further resources to the creation of the key mold on account that you have just obtained more data with which to refine your mold in the possession of the key for a gaze. And so more money, more resources from this esteemed council I feel as premature. If aft— if at the next meeting, you have not sufficiently advanced, then perhaps we can revisit. But for me, for now, that is a nay.
Julia (as Constructor Emeritus): Research requires resource.
Amanda (as Leftenant Cresco Greenlong): Then you have one in a whole new key.
Brandon (as Dr. Radish Radish): I also vote nay. Not only do I not trust the intentions of our councilor here, but our councilor— our friends over— our beautiful, genius, wonderful friends at Open Fields need more resources, not to give less.
Amanda (as Leftenant Cresco Greenlong): Thank you.
Julia (as Constructor Emeritus): I would like to point out that both the perfection of the key molds and the adoption of an advanced communication system would allow our military efforts as a joint unit. And Cresco Greenlong, I know you feel strongly about the social utility of what we do here—
Amanda (as Leftenant Cresco Greenlong): Certainly. [mumbles]
Julia (as Constructor Emeritus): —in the— in the Diamond Knot. I think both would benefit all four of our nations greatly.
Eric (as Res): I got— Herry had some interesting stuff to say. I think as long as you're— if you're supplying the wires and the bits and bobs and the— and the energy going from one place to another to make this communication system happen, I just— as long as I gotta hit a button and then I can talk to my friends all the way on the other side of the sea, I'm into it. It's— it's interesting and—
Julia (as Constructor Emeritus): It will be as simple as that.
Eric (as Res): And King Hyp— and King Hyperion would— would like to see, you know, communications spread throughout the entire— throughout our great— great green disk.
Amanda (as Leftenant Cresco Greenlong): I do feel that instantaneous communication is against the plans of the Planter. If it takes shorter than the path of the sun across the sky, I feel it is not for Greenfolk to control. I must regretfully, respectfully vote nay.
Brandon (as Dr. Radish Radish): Here, here.
Julia (as Constructor Emeritus): Are we not instantly communicating here now, though, Cresco Greenlong?
Amanda (as Leftenant Cresco Greenlong): Yes. And when our bodies tire we will go to bed.
Julia (as Constructor Emeritus): It seems we have a tie.
Julia: And then the Constructor Emeritus looks at Moderator Blade, and I'm going to—
Eric: You motherfucker.
Julia: —use my move.
Amanda: Oh.
Brandon: Oh.
Eric: I knew— I fucking knew it. I was hoping someone would do this.
Julia: I'm going to use my personality move, which is socially mobile. All tiebreakers go the way that you would like, as you know the moderator well.
Amanda: Oh.
Brandon: Oh, hell yeah. That's awesome.
Julia: And I just give kind of a— a look and he— and like a raised eyebrow and a fluttering of the wings.
Eric (as Moderator Doug Blade): It seems that we have a tie. Because it seems to be the benefit of improving the great— of improving Verda Stello as a whole with the high speed communication system as tied to developments already voted upon in previous Diamond Knot meetings, the moderator will vote yay. That is three to two and ratified.
Brandon (as Dr. Radish Radish): Well, I never.
Amanda (as Leftenant Cresco Greenlong): I'm glad that you are with me, Radish. Res, I— I cannot believe that you would allow this to go.
Eric (as Res): I'm just thinking— unlike the previous kings that have sweep through the Crags, King Hyperion wants both the Crags and Verda Stello at large to be better, and that sometimes it means doing something that someone else suggests.
Brandon (as Dr. Radish Radish): I unfortunately cannot provide evidence, but I am suspicious of our fellow councilor, our fellow builder here, and the moderator's intentions, but we can move forward.
Eric (as Res): Doc, respectfully, you did, in fact, ascend to power in the middle of this meeting.
Brandon (as Dr. Radish Radish): I would not characterize it as ascending to power.
Eric (as Res): There's not a judge— I'm not— it's not a judgment. I just thought that's what happened.
Julia (as Constructor Emeritus): How would you characterize it then?
Brandon (as Dr. Radish Radish): It's more that I am humbly—
Julia (as Constructor Emeritus): Ascend into power—
Brandon (as Dr. Radish Radish): —in the shoes of a great man.
Eric (as Res): You humbly stepped into the shoes of the ruler— of— of the highest ranking official of Overstalk.
Brandon (as Dr. Radish Radish): Not a ruler, yeah of course not.
Eric (as Res): The highest ranking official of Overstalk.
Brandon (as Dr. Radish Radish): Let's move on to number four.
Eric (as Res): Alright.
Julia (as Constructor Emeritus): I would like to— I would like to remind you that you're a part of a democracy.
Eric (as Res): It's like all of a sudden, someone— all of a sudden, you're like, "Oh, I got a— I got a letter, I'm president." Alright.
Amanda (as Leftenant Cresco Greenlong): Res—
Julia: Is there gonna be a special election? What's going on?
Brandon (as Dr. Radish Radish): It's a line of succession, you see.
Eric (as Res): Alright. I got— I have number for motion four. It is within the interest of the Crags for us to discuss Prince Troides Hyperion Breakstone, also known as the pirate Troy Riptide. Now—
Amanda (as Leftenant Cresco Greenlong): Now, Dr. Radish, you had a very pressured comment in our pre-meeting agenda.
Brandon (as Dr. Radish Radish): Now all due respect, Res, I do not mean this in ill faith, but I do not see why it is relevant for us— us to vote upon your royal disputes here in this hearing.
Eric (as Res): It's not a royal dispute. It's more like— okay, cards on the table. We just want to know more about what's going on here. He— Prince— Prince Troy, he's disappeared about a year and a half ago, and now he's gallivanting around. And now, he's traveling around the Great Salt Sea, making quite a— quite a name for himself. I think— and— and does anyone here have any information? I— we did ask for— to prepare some sort of documenta— if anyone had this, we wanted them to bring it to this meeting. Has anyone heard anything about— we— it's just— of course, the king cares about what happens to his— his younger brother. That's all we're— that's all we're asking for.
Amanda (as Leftenant Cresco Greenlong): I understand your position as someone who must carry out your monarch's wishes. However, I feel this is not worthy of a motion in a setting such as this, if you're going off promotion to, which has such been ratified to seek information about the prince, as you seek out keys, very well. And informally, I will suggest and— and recommend that the representatives of Open Fields do the same. However, as a motion coming out of this emergency meeting, frankly, councilor, I'm surprised you brought it up.
Eric (as Res): It's— it's important—
Julia (as Constructor Emeritus): I— I would agree with that fact. And off the record, Councilor Twizzleton, I would say that the Crags—
Eric (as Res): It's just Res. It's just Res.
Julia (as Constructor Emeritus): —the Crags must get its own house in order.
Eric (as Res): Is it—
Amanda (as Leftenant Cresco Greenlong): Or else change it.
Julia (as Constructor Emeritus): Especially if what agents of the Hot House have heard is true.
Eric (as Res): And which is?
Brandon (as Dr. Radish Radish): Now, that is rich.
Eric (as Res): Which is?
Julia: I think the Constructor Emeritus gives him like kind of a raised brow, and says something along the lines of like—
Julia (as Constructor Emeritus): I would check your records at the Boiling Reef.
Brandon (as Dr. Radish Radish): Gentlemen, if you have something to discuss, please share with the class.
Eric (as Res): This is— this is new information. It— listen, you're— the three governments backed house Breakstone to ascend to power because the other—
Amanda (as Leftenant Cresco Greenlong): Of course, of course.
Eric (as Res): You know, the other houses, they certainly weren't playing nice during these meetings. They put me in charge of being the representative to the Diamond Knot, because nothing else was getting done.
Eric: And we cut to— there's like a berry bush that has a knife up to Dr. Radish Radish.
Julia: I think it should be Lord Cavendish. I think Lord Cavendish should be like the former representative--
Eric: Oh, yeah, Lord Cavendish threatened you all with a gun at one point.
Amanda: Right.
Eric: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And like various— there was like a stinkbug that just made all of you really uncomfortable for an extended period of time.
Amanda: Oh, yeah.
Eric: It'd be like—
Eric (as Res): Hey, I'm the— I'm the smiling face here. That's why we ended up being here. It's just— it— how about— I don't— I'm— if I can just change this. If you get— if you see Troy Riptide, if your agents have seen Troy Riptide, Prince Troides can you just give them over to us? We don't have to ratify this. Just— please.
Brandon (as Dr. Radish Radish): Here, here.
Amanda (as Leftenant Cresco Greenlong): Formally, that prince is of no use to me or my field, except as mulch, so happy to do it.
Brandon (as Dr. Radish Radish): Agreed. Now, respectfully, I have heard that if you catch sight of one Troy Riptide, it is hard to take your eyes off of him long enough to tell you about it. But otherwise—
Amanda (as Leftenant Cresco Greenlong): Does he have reflective or deflective armor? Why— why is it hard?
Eric (as Res): No. Prince Troides is quite attractive. It's well-known. Well, internationally known.
Julia (as Constructor Emeritus): They say he's a real hot himbo.
Amanda (as Leftenant Cresco Greenlong): Okay. Motion— motion removed.
Julia (as Constructor Emeritus): Motion removed, indeed.
Eric (as Res): Removed, fine. Removed.
Amanda (as Leftenant Cresco Greenlong): Very well. Bringing us, Douglas, is this right? To number five. This is of primary importance to speak candidly to myself and Open Fields. We are making progress, gentlemen. The Diamond Knot is making progress. We have powerful actors. We have a policy in place. We are gathering resources, we're gathering technology, and we are gathering keys. Sooner or later, we will come face to face with the Salmon and need to figure out what to ask of it, what to make happen. It's important to make—
Eric: Like, you said that like the queen. That was awesome. How'd you that?
Julia: That was like greatest pronunciation of that word ever.
Eric: You did it like— like Queen Victoria. How'd you that?
Amanda: Thank you. I said it like Claire Fields or whatever her name is.
Eric: Yeah. You said like Claire Foy. That was awesome.
Amanda: Yeah. Thank you.
Amanda (as Leftenant Cresco Greenlong): It is imperative that for the continued existence, not just of Open Fields, not just of the four of us, not just of our ruling bodies and families, but of all Greenfolk in all of Verda Stello, that we ensure nutrients, we ensure access to food.
Brandon (as Dr. Radish Radish): Here, here.
Eric (as Res): Hmm. Uh-hmm.
Amanda (as Leftenant Cresco Greenlong): We all know it's an uncomfortable truth, perhaps, that we are dependent on Open Fields for such resources. And as the steward of such country, I must say we need fresh water. We need access to potable fresh water like we have not seen since the Cascade dried up.
Brandon (as Dr. Radish Radish): Here, here.
Amanda (as Leftenant Cresco Greenlong): Ipso facto. Lorem ipsum. We must make the primary and perhaps, I— I acknowledge it, only wish of the salmon, the restoration of the Cascade and/or access to fresh water for the rest of this great bialy's existence.
Brandon (as Dr. Radish Radish): Here, here.
Eric (as Res): I would like to— to follow up as the representative of a new house here. As the representative of the new house, the House of Breakstone, it's imperative that the pirates do not get to decide what this is or not. The— the hou— the countries—
Amanda (as Leftenant Cresco Greenlong): Thank you.
Eric (as Res): —of Verda Stello should be making the decision with the salmon.
Amanda (as Leftenant Cresco Greenlong): Here, here.
Eric (as Res): If we are going to get the keys, we should be the one making the decision.
Amanda (as Leftenant Cresco Greenlong): Do they not buy our produce out on the open market, trading it for Amber or favors, or whatever it is they do?
Brandon (as Dr. Radish Radish): Godless heathens.
Eric (as Res): I hear— I've— I've heard, I've heard that Amber is made out of— is made out of Greenfolk livers. That is where the Amber comes from. That's what they've done. It is made out of the—
Amanda (as Leftenant Cresco Greenlong): Heinous!
Eric (as Res): —of the organs, the offals of the Greenfolk. And they harden it and they put it in the sun. And that is what the Amber is.
Brandon (as Dr. Radish Radish): Well, I never.
Julia (as Constructor Emeritus): Do you have research that validates that claim, sir?
Eric (as Res): We do.
Julia (as Constructor Emeritus): Oh.
Amanda (as Leftenant Cresco Greenlong): My gut believes it, and therefore, I believe it.
Eric (as Res): I— I've heard of it and well, people in the Crags have said it, and we've heard of it, and it's terrible.
Amanda (as Leftenant Cresco Greenlong): Nothing wrong with some mulching, of course.
Julia (as Constructor Emeritus): That is— I would like to point out to my esteemed representatives that that is not what research is.
Amanda (as Leftenant Cresco Greenlong): Nothing wrong with using our bodies as compost, would mulch the— the nutrients of the future. However, friends, countrymen, we shall all die one day.
Brandon (as Dr. Radish Radish): What?
Amanda (as Leftenant Cresco Greenlong): The four of us here.
Julia: Fuck.
Amanda (as Leftenant Cresco Greenlong): But if we ratify practice—
Eric (as Res): Hell yeah, brother.
Amanda (as Leftenant Cresco Greenlong): —into code and not just in memory and not just an intent, that if each of our individual countries, if perhaps one, a representative, the Diamond Knot or otherwise, were to make it to the salmon, they must ensure free-flowing water for the future. Here proposed.
Brandon (as Dr. Radish Radish): May l— may I, sir— may I make a— a plea here, representative—
Amanda (as Leftenant Cresco Greenlong): If it's relevant to my cause.
Brandon (as Dr. Radish Radish): —Council Greenlong? Yes. With all due respect and admiration for your utter importance, integralness— integratality—
Amanda (as Leftenant Cresco Greenlong): Yes, yes.
Brandon (as Dr. Radish Radish): —to our humble Knot here, one, I have a question of, do we trust the salmon, which we will address in a further motion? But two, regardless of whether or not we do with the salmon, I would like to motion— if you could see my motion number eight here?
Amanda (as Leftenant Cresco Greenlong): I did, I did.
Brandon (as Dr. Radish Radish): Regardless of what happens with the salmon, I would like to route additional water to Open Fields, and may I suggest that it come from Hot House?
Amanda (as Leftenant Cresco Greenlong): I— well, I—
Julia (as Constructor Emeritus): What— doctor, what makes you think that we have additional resources to give to Open Fields?
Amanda (as Leftenant Cresco Greenlong): We are not in need of further resources. While I appreciate Dr. Radish, you're—
Brandon (as Dr. Radish Radish): You just said you need more water.
Amanda (as Leftenant Cresco Greenlong): For the future of Verda Stello—
Julia (as Constructor Emeritus): We all need more water.
Amanda (as Leftenant Cresco Greenlong): In the last 50 years, I know all of us here were present and already graying at the temples by the time the Cascade dried up. It's very important that you know we're all right for now, but we are not all right forever, and that is my interest to date.
Brandon (as Dr. Radish Radish): Exactly. We cannot guarantee that the salmon even fucking exists. If we, for now, are fine, but for later, when we maybe mount up an army to fight these godless heathens of pirates, we are going to need more produce produced.
Amanda (as Leftenant Cresco Greenlong): We don't—
Brandon (as Dr. Radish Radish): And what does produce need? Water.
Eric: I love the Johnnie Cochran fucking rhyming that’s going on.
Amanda: It's really good, yeah.
Eric: It's so funny.
Julia (as Constructor Emeritus): I wonder why it is that the representative from Overstalk seems so invested in the quality of life in other countries.
Brandon (as Dr. Radish Radish): I wonder why is that the councilor from Hot House seems to have a special relationship with the moderator.
Eric (as Moderator Doug Blade): I don't— gavel, gavel, gavel. Stop talking about me.
Amanda (as Leftenant Cresco Greenlong): I would like—
Julia (as Constructor Emeritus): Very well, Blade.
Amanda (as Leftenant Cresco Greenlong): —before interpersonal comments, or the inevitable shuffling off of this mortal bean stalk.
Julia: Fuck.
Amanda (as Leftenant Cresco Greenlong): —each and everyone of us will do, one day or another, and frankly, Emeritus, I think you will outlive all of us.
Julia (as Constructor Emeritus): Which is true. I was 200 when the Cascade dried up.
Amanda (as Leftenant Cresco Greenlong): Good Planter. Wow.
Julia (as Constructor Emeritus): The current builder is 170.
Amanda (as Leftenant Cresco Greenlong): Oh, my. Is he your grandson?
Brandon (as Dr. Radish Radish): That ain't nothing on the rot— Grand Rotten—
Julia (as Constructor Emeritus): Yes, he is.
Brandon (as Dr. Radish Radish): —Cherimoya, but whatever.
Eric (as Res): Doc, that's you. You're the— you're the--
Brandon (as Dr. Radish Radish): Well, the Grand Rotten is the title. The Cherimoya was a person.
Eric (as Res): Oh, yeah. Okay.
Amanda (as Leftenant Cresco Greenlong): Ah. Well, the Great Rotten Radish now rules your land?
Eric (as Res): Great Rotten Radish, that feels worse.
Amanda (as Leftenant Cresco Greenlong): Oh.
Brandon (as Dr. Radish Radish): Dr. Grand Rotten Radish Radish if you will.
Julia (as Constructor Emeritus): No, no. No, no. Just refer to him as doctor.
Eric (as Res): Alright.
Amanda (as Leftenant Cresco Greenlong): I call a vote.
Julia (as Constructor Emeritus): I don't think anything was ratified yet.
Eric (as Res): Now, guys, we're— look— yeah, let's vote. The temperature is like up here and it should be down here. It shouldn't be above me, and right now, it's the hot— it's the hot highs of July.
Amanda (as Leftenant Cresco Greenlong): I call a vote.
Eric: Wait, I'm getting Brandon's country all over me.
Brandon (as Dr. Radish Radish): You got Southern, sir.
Eric (as Res): It is— it's getting— it's getting too hot in here. This is— okay. Let's open a window and let the breeze in. Let's vote. Let's vote.
Amanda (as Leftenant Cresco Greenlong): I move we close the docket here and now. And ratify this most important of motions, that should the salmon exist, should we get to it as is our goal, and should we make a wish that does come true? That wish must be the utilitarian wish that will unlock peace, security, and freedom for all countries to do what they will, and all of their sovereign, taxpaying, and ratified papered citizens to also enjoy those same freedoms. We must ratify this motion for all of our futures.
Brandon (as Dr. Radish Radish): Respectfully, sir, I vote nay, but I do support additional water resources—
Amanda (as Leftenant Cresco Greenlong): I do not wish it. Take it back.
Brandon (as Dr. Radish Radish): —go into Open Fields.
Amanda (as Leftenant Cresco Greenlong): Stuff it into the Cherimoya from whence you came.
Eric (as Res): I vote— I'm gonna say yes. This is—
Amanda (as Leftenant Cresco Greenlong): Thank you, Res.
Eric (as Res): And regardless of whether or not the salmon exists, if the salmon does, it has the power that we assume. Let's— I think good idea. Yeah, it's more—
Amanda (as Leftenant Cresco Greenlong): Ipso facto, lorem ipsum. It's necessary.
Eric (as Res): If you think that there is a wild ivy wolf in your house, you put the traps out, because the— if there isn't one, all you look like he's a fool, instead of dead.
Amanda (as Leftenant Cresco Greenlong): Well said, well.
Julia (as Constructor Emeritus): Is that a common occurrence and issue in the Crags?
Eric (as Res): In certain places, yes. Yeah, they're big. They're the big as the house. If they were inside the house, you would know. It would— it's wild.
Julia (as Constructor Emeritus): Then it wouldn't seem very silly to lay out traps for something that you would know is in your house.
Eric (as Res): Okay. You come over to my house and you can see my traps, they're good traps. You— you're allowed to come over whenever you— Harry, come over whenever you want. Come over to see my trap, see my wolf. It's— you can come over.
Julia (as Constructor Emeritus): Again, sir, if you do not use my proper title, we will come to blows.
Eric (as Res): I just want you to come over for supper. That's it, that's it.
Amanda (as Leftenant Cresco Greenlong): Constructor Emeritus, may I count—
Julia (as Constructor Emeritus): I would like to hear it out of his lips.
Amanda (as Leftenant Cresco Greenlong): —may I count on your aye?
Brandon (as Dr. Radish Radish): Herry— Herry, please, please, gentle folk, Greenfolk.
Eric (as Moderator Doug Blade): Gavel, gavel, gavel.
Julia (as Constructor Emeritus): I just want to hear him say my full title.
Amanda (as Leftenant Cresco Greenlong): Constructor Emeritus, I believe you've yet to log a vote. May I count on your support? Such that 50 years from now, you may enjoy the treats and biscuits and Werther's Original hard candies that you've become accustomed to. Or perhaps, a strawberry flavor. Both are fine.
Julia (as Constructor Emeritus): Hmm. Hmm. Hmm.
Brandon (as Dr. Radish Radish): May I remind the great— the—
Amanda (as Leftenant Cresco Greenlong): No.
Julia (as Constructor Emeritus): No, you may not.
Brandon (as Dr. Radish Radish): May I remind the council from Hot House that if you do vote yay on this resolution, the docket does stop? And there are some important motions, most namely lunch.
Amanda (as Leftenant Cresco Greenlong): There are unimportant motions by the Great Radishmoya.
Julia (as Constructor Emeritus): Now, I have noticed that the remaining motions are from the Doctor.
Eric (as Res): We will get to lunch faster, which I think all of us will be into.
Julia (as Constructor Emeritus): For— for the sake of brevity, please, I vote yay.
Brandon (as Dr. Radish Radish): No.
Amanda (as Leftenant Cresco Greenlong): Fantastic.
Eric (as Moderator Doug Blade): Gavel, gavel, gavel. The— and the docket is closed.
Julia: The beetle makes eye contact with Dr. Radish and says—
Julia (as Constructor Emeritus): Come at Hot House one more time, sir.
Brandon: Dr. Radish Radish stands up and throws his chair down and says—
Brandon (as Dr. Radish Radish): Well, I say sir, I challenge you to a duel. Do you accept your honor?
Amanda (as Leftenant Cresco Greenlong): Douglas, this can't be permitted during the meeting. We've not been called to recess.
Brandon (as Dr. Radish Radish): Shut your mouth.
Eric (as Moderator Doug Blade): Gavel—
Brandon (as Dr. Radish Radish): Shut your mouth.
Eric (as Moderator Doug Blade): Gavel, gavel, gavel. Please take this outside, at least.
Brandon (as Dr. Radish Radish): That's fair. To the other conference room.
Amanda (as Leftenant Cresco Greenlong): 102 is empty.
Julia (as Constructor Emeritus): I can and will not move from this chair. I will elect a representative to duel you, I suppose, in my place.
Amanda: Is there just like hulking, like Goliath beetle waiting downstairs?
Eric: I think one with like— with Robocop Bio Enhancements 2.
Julia (as Constructor Emeritus): Councilor Twizzleton, you asked me earlier who my favorite grandchild is.
Eric (as Res): Yes, yes. Which one?
Julia (as Constructor Emeritus): Technically, he is my great, great, great grandchild, but he will be fighting in my stead.
Eric: [screeches] [explosions]
Julia: No, it's fucking Archimedes Sevens.
Eric: Oh, it's Arch— oh!
Amanda: Whoa!
Julia: I’m gonna send a letter.
Eric: No, it's good stuff. I— I do want to say, just for the record, the stuff that's still on the docket we didn't get to was Dr. Radish Radish suggested routing additional water to Open Fields as a wartime rations. Dr. Radish Radish addressing Hot Houses overconsumption of Cragish sand for glassmaking.
Julia: Why?
Eric: Number 10 was Rad— Dr. Radish Radish saying, "Kill the salmon."
Amanda: Okay.
Eric: And then 10— and 11 and 12 were go for a walk, and think, and then lunch.
Brandon: 11 and 12 were just jokes.
Eric: Oh, no, I understand.
Brandon: It's interesting to note that us playing corporate assholes, we decided to do the same things that the good ol' pirates that we actually play want to do, so—
Amanda: Yes.
Julia: Yeah. Yeah.
Brandon: I don't know.
Julia: Interesting.
Amanda: Except confiscate the keys with state power from all four nations, which is not great.
Julia: Hmm. We're gonna talk about what happens next time when we model our nations.
Brandon: I do just want to say that Dr. Radish Radish walks up to Herry and— and slaps him with a glove.
Brandon (as Dr. Radish Radish): The duel is on, sir.
Julia: He, like, does not flinch. He goes—
Julia (as Constructor Emeritus): You will have to wait until my great, great, great grandson gets a letter from me in regards to facing you at—
Brandon (as Dr. Radish Radish): If only we had a communication system, huh?
Julia (as Constructor Emeritus): Yes. Well, we will soon, won't we, doctor?
Amanda: I like how Julia's voice said doctor, but her eyes said bitch.
Julia: It's true. Good.
Eric: Hey, and much— Brandon, much like this campaign, sure, lots of people will say they're going to turn the water back on, don't they?
Brandon: Yeah, that's true.
Julia: Uh-hmm.
Eric: Lots— it's almost like saying no murder is bad.
Julia: No, murder is bad, but I will duel you at dawn.
Eric: Yeah, murder is bad, but what if I'm pushed.
Amanda: Uh-hmm.
Eric: Alright. After the dust settles, everyone narrates a short scene for each character as they leave the Diamond Knot, return home, and convince their ruler they have achieved their country's goal. Other players should embody the leader or leaders and decide in the spirit of the country if they did achieve it or not. I think we should do this in reverse order of people who showed up.
Amanda: I think Greenlong shakes everyone's hand and— and exits fairly swiftly. Last in, first out is not simply how you account for stock capital gains, but also how Cresco Greenlong leaves every room he's ever in. So he hopes that he— he walks and then takes a share in like a mail cart drawn by to, oh, let's say, Lily mules—
Brandon: Aw.
Eric: okay.
Amanda: —out back to Open Fields, where he goes into the— the humble— imagine like a garden shed, but sort of, you know, the size of a school and visits back to the, you know, four or five-room schoolhouse-looking building that is the seat of government for Open Fields, where kneels and prays to the Planter, upon coming in, washes his hands and feet from the dust of the road, and proceeds in to the council chamber of his fellow representatives.
Eric: I want them to all be wearing like dusty rose robes, like not white or off-white, but like just the hint of pink and brown.
Julia: Yeah.
Eric: And the— and they're always still immaculate. And just very like so everyone's bodies are nearly covered and that everyone is just robed. They're like big, and billowing, and wide.
Amanda: No shape. I think they're all quite practical, and they have like a tie so you can adjust the width and length of the garment. So, you know, it's been— it's been used for generations here.
Amanda (as Leftenant Cresco Greenlong): Representatives, leftenants, gentlemen, scholars, I am quite pleased to report that the Diamond Knot has, in fact, achieved the goal we had for my meeting today, of understanding that the success of Open Fields is paramount to the sustained life of Verda Stello.
Eric: Nice.
Julia: I don't know if that's true, but okay.
Amanda (as Leftenant Cresco Greenlong): Very happy to report we've agreed that the wish of the salmon shall be to ensure safe, open, potable water for all. And moreover, that we may begin our immediate confiscation of keys from pirates and citizens for our control.
Eric: Oh, can like the entire council speak at the same time? That would be cool.
Julia: Yeah, like all in order.
Amanda: Oh, like a Greek chorus?
Eric: Yeah. And they're, like, connected by the brain, like, through divine powers and magic.
Brandon: Cool.
Eric: They all ate the same weird fruit—
Amanda: Oh, yeah.
Eric: —so they all speak at the same time.
Julia: That's very cool, but I did think you were gonna do it like the way that improvisers have to, like, tell the same story at the same time. And so they're all just like, "We agree that—"
Amanda: "That the—"
Brandon: Poop.
Amanda: "—penis—"
Julia: Oh, fuck.
Brandon: Pudding. Fuck.
Amanda: "—is moist."
Eric: Yeah, what do we think? Do we think that they—
Amanda: Anyone, yeah, jump in.
Eric: Yeah, do we think they did it?
Julia: Hmm.
Eric: I think the Open Fields cares about water.
Julia: Yes.
Eric: And I think the Open Fields also believe so strongly in like people saying what they do, because then otherwise, you'd be punished for lying. They're like, "Yeah, we did it. Great job."
Julia: Yeah.
Eric: "The water is getting turned on. We're getting high speed communication system, which should be great. And we still get to do the thing that we always do. No one— no one's telling us that we did— what we did is wrong."
Brandon: Yeah. I agree.
Julia: Yeah, I think so. I think that it's a little bit of a stretch in saying it's like, "Ah, yes. Now, everyone understands the importance of Open Fields to, like, society." But I— I think that— that's probably how he felt coming away from that meeting, so I don't think—
Eric: Yeah.
Julia: —it's untrue.
Eric: Yeah, at least convincing other people of that.
Julia: Yeah.
Amanda: The goal specifically is to, like, construct the logical argument so that they must acknowledge that, like, Open Fields specifically, and having enough resources and flourishing is not just relevant to Open Fields but all over Verda Stello.
Julia: No.
Eric: That's fair. Yeah.
Julia: I think that's— that's good.
Eric: Being— Open Fields is the breadbasket, so therefore don't ask us about anything else we're doing—
Julia: Cool.
Eric: —is pretty— I— that's how I thought of it, especially because Dr. Radish Radish was on a bunch of other people's asses.
Julia: Cool.
Eric: Which I'm sure you would have communicated.
Julia: Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Amanda: Uh-hmm.
Eric: Yeah, for sure. I think all of them speak at the same time and says—
Eric, Julia, and Brandon (as Open Fields Representatives): Good work, leftenant Cresco Greenlong. You spoke well. Now, retire and rest. The next day dawns tomorrow.
Eric: I like how now Dr. Radish Radish is going back to himself.
Julia: Hmm.
Brandon: Well, Eric—
Julia: Fun.
Brandon: —here we go. You ready for this?
Julia: No.
Eric: Please.
Brandon: So Dr. Radish Radish takes the long way home, of course, so he can take a long walk and think. He has one of those pull carts that you, like, hold with your hands.
Eric: I love him doing this in a three-piece suit. That's awesome.
Julia: Yeah.
Brandon: And a top hat.
Eric: And a top hat.
Brandon: And, you know, he can hear the tonics rattle as he goes across the ground. And eventually, he does make it back to Overstalk. Now, he goes to the weekly communion of religious leaders and he does say—
Brandon (as Dr. Radish Radish): Sirs, and madams, and other folk, I do have to regretfully admit, we did not meet our goal in this meeting, but we will get them next time.
Amanda (as Overstalk Leader 1): How is that possible if we are so clearly intellectually superior?
Julia (as Overstalk Leader 2): Dr. Radish Radish, didn't you put in basically all of the motions?
Eric (as Overstalk Leader 3): Why— why didn't they pay attention to the thing you were saying?
Brandon (as Dr. Radish Radish): It was not in the Planter's divine plan this time, my friends. But our day will come again.
Eric (as Overstalk Leader 3): We love you. We love how smart and cool you are.
Amanda (as Overstalk Leader 1): You are very smart and cool, and everyone knows your name. And so it's difficult for me to think you're wrong.
Julia (as Overstalk Leader 2): Excellent point.
Brandon: Now, before I reveal that my country goal, I do want to say also that after Dr. Radish Radish does all this, he does sort of go back to his ways as a snake oil salesman roaming across the land.
Julia: Of course, naturally.
Brandon: But his secondary goal is to find one Archimedes Sevens, and complete his duel.
Eric: Good to know.
Julia: Good. Good, good, good, good.
Eric: That's good to know. That's— that one's an emergent goal. That one came up in— in play.
Brandon: Now, my players here, would you agree that in a duel between one Archimedes Sevens, Dr. Radish Radish would not win, correct?
Eric: Correct.
Julia: Well, what I would like to point out is I believe that personal goal is if you die by someone else's hand, you win. So I think it has to be during the meeting, but I could be wrong.
Brandon: Doesn't say that, Julia. Dr. Radish Radish is dead and I've won.
Eric: That doesn't— it doesn't say that. That's good.
Amanda: That's fair. That's fair. That's fair. Nothing in the rule says he can't die after the meeting.
Julia: I mean, Eric, Eric, you play Archie. Do you think Archie would kill this old man?
Eric: Yeah, 100%.
Julia: Okay, cool.
Eric: Yeah, 100%.
Julia: Truly so stupid.
Eric: Well, I like how we've just like nipped that in the butt. It's like, "Alright, thank you. That story's done. Now, we understand Dr. Radish Radish."
Amanda: Incredible. Brandon, what was your country goal?
Brandon: Now, my country goal was— and this is why I was on your ass, Julia. I thought that it would be fun to have the country goal be have the Hot House idolaters?
Julia: Idolaters, yeah.
Brandon: Be decimated by outsiders as a sacrifice to our great Planter, thus, bringing favor to Overstalk, and coincidentally, if that means that Overstalk is secured as Open Fields and Crags main trade partner, side benefit.
Julia: So that didn't—
Amanda: I see.
Julia: —happen, I would clarify.
Eric: I did say— I did say that Overstalk was a hotbed for radicals doing whatever they wanted.
Amanda: Yes.
Eric: And goddamn, Dr. Radish Radish is.
Amanda: That's a great goal.
Eric: Alright.
Amanda: I don't think you achieved it in this one.
Eric: Yeah.
Brandon: I did no.
Eric: But it doesn't matter. Dr. Radish Radish got a win. That's a dub. So the personal—
Amanda: Uh-hmm.
Eric: —goal— one of the personal goals was called hagiography. If you die within play at someone else's hand, you win.
Brandon: I was hoping Jul— to piss off Julia enough that she would kill me.
Julia: I was an old man. I couldn't possibly.
Amanda: Incredible.
Eric: I didn't even it—
Amanda: You did it. I mean—
Eric: You did it.
Amanda: You did it.
Eric: You a 100% did it. That's awesome. Okay. We'll come back to that during scoring, but Brandon's already won.
Brandon: Woo.
Julia: Great.
Eric: I think Councilor Res, you know, embraces everyone as much as he can, as much as they will allow to be hugged.
Julia (as Constructor Emeritus): Please do not touch me.
Eric: And gets back on the boat that takes him back to the Crags. And after walking through the horrors of the Crags, finally returns to the castle and meets with King Hyperion.
Eric (as Res): So Hype, it actually went pretty well, all things considering.
Amanda (as King Hyperion): I've— I have got to implore you not to call me that in front of the rest of the court. We have a certain understanding, but come on. Come on.
Julia: Come on, man.
Eric (as Res): WelI, I— I mean, we are— well, if you— I thought it was fine— I thought it was fine—
Amanda (as King Hyperion): Report, report.
Eric (as Res): —because you take so many meetings in your bed, so—
Amanda (as King Hyperion): Report. I'm— I'm tired. Report.
Eric: Hyperion is just propped up by, like, 20 pillows in his bed.
Julia: Love that. He's so haggard.
Amanda: I think he's actually— the throne has been sort of extended, so there's like— like footstools under it so that he can be sort of fully prone while technically sitting on the throne.
Brandon: I love that.
Eric (as Res): These guys, you know, they're— they're real crusty fellows. They've been doing this for a long time. I think, you know, it's hard— we're making out that people believe that what you're doing is better than anyone— any other house it's happened. Trying to make it as many allies as possible small. You know, a road wasn't paved in a day, but we laid the first brick. I think that we're making our way— we're making our way there. High speed communication system coming through and the proceeds from that will go directly towards funding more key stuff, which is great. We also— in order to make you seem more likable, I did need to tell you— say that, you know, the Crags was worried about what Troy was up to. And they— you know, unofficially, they did say they would look out for him and not kill him if captured, and would hand it over to you, so—
Julia: I don't think anyone said that. But, okay.
Eric: You check the tape. Julia, that's exactly what you all promised.
Julia: Mm, I dunno.
Amanda: Hyperion sits up straight in the sort of like makeshift day bed and peels down the blanket that was sort of covering him up to the chin, and shakes out his fully intact— which y'all never seen because Troy's are clipped, fully intact wings.
Julia: Whoa.
Amanda: Pattern just like his brothers.
Brandon: Ooh.
Amanda: And he says—
Amanda (as King Hyperion): Undermining my image for his mythos, is that really the best you have to offer me?
Eric (as Res): Oh, listen, can—
Amanda (as King Hyperion): Don't get me wrong, the— the— whatever we'll call it, the high speed— whatever, is this a thing— tele— I don't know-- graph phone— I don't know. Whatever that ends up being, great.
Eric (as Res): Your—
Amanda (as King Hyperion): But was that necessary? They already call me the Haggard.
Eric (as Res): Your high— your Highness, we've been— I've been doing this for a long time. I've seen a lot of houses come through, a lot of houses dispatched, including yours.
Amanda (as King Hyperion): Oh, yes, yes. "I survived six kings." Blah, blah, blah.
Eric (as Res): And all—
Amanda (as King Hyperion): I'm the king now. I'm the king now. I'm the— I'm the king.
Eric (as Res): I know you are.
Brandon: King baby.
Julia: Baby king, baby king.
Eric (as Res): I know you are. And all of these— and all of these representatives signed off on that be— and that happening. But admitting that you have a brother and that you care about him is not that strange. That's how you make friends. You tell people that you have feelings and then they also acknowledge they have feelings.
Amanda (as King Hyperion): Suspicious. I suppose you did get the thing done I tasked you with.
Eric (as Res): I did— it's— it— you got to do it the way you got to do it.
Eric: And that was my— my country goal was stay in power by picking up allies, but really is keep Troy from harm.
Brandon: Oh.
Julia: Oh, interesting.
Eric: So— so I took a dub on that one.
Brandon: Yeah.
Julia: Cool. All right. I think I'm up last. I think that much like he was first to arrive, he's also last to leave. Like, they carry out the table before Heron leaves. That we, like, cut to him in the kind of like mechanical throne room of Hot House, which is like a big greenhouse, but like very ornate and like maybe there's like some stained glass going on as well. It's like very— it's very well done.
Eric: That's cool.
Amanda: Julia, you know what the— you know the, like, Carvana car towers that they have? It's like a glass silo with like—
Eric: Yeah, dude.
Amanda: —cars on each level. That's what I'm picturing.
Julia: Oh, I love that. I've never seen that, but I love it, and I want it.
Eric: It's hau— it's haunting when you're driving down a highway in Nashville, and you just see an illuminated tower full of cars.
Julia: Cool. It's like that, except it's like the technological advances that that Builder has created in his reign.
Amanda: Yes.
Julia: I think that's really cool.
Eric: I like that. That's tight as hell.
Julia: So at the top of the tower we're talking about, which is also very funny because the Constructor Emeritus is carried up in his litter, you know?
Amanda: Incredible.
Eric: Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Julia: So they're, like, panting by the time that they put him down in front of the— the Builder and he goes—
Julia (as Constructor Emeritus): Grandson.
Eric (as The Builder): Grand pop, it's so good to see you.
Julia (as Constructor Emeritus): I have exciting news from the council session.
Eric (as The Builder): Do tell.
Julia (as Constructor Emeritus): We have successfully had them divert resources from their own country towards the further development and perfection of the key molds. Archimedes should be returning home soon with the key with a gaze.
Brandon: And the head of Dr. Radish Radish.
Julia (as Constructor Emeritus): And the head of Dr. Radish Radish, who during the meeting became the Grand Rotten. It was very odd. A doctor of all things.
Eric (as The Builder): Incredible, splendid. And they just— they just— they just did it?
Julia (as Constructor Emeritus): Even better. They decided that they needed some project in order to funnel those resources into Hot House.
Brandon: I knew it!
Julia (as Constructor Emeritus): So I've had them commit all of the countries to adopting our advanced communication system, with the addition of sending Hot House representatives to maintain those communications towers.
Eric (as The Builder): Incredible. I knew our intellect was large, but that much larger than everyone else. Grandpop, I— I continue to walk in your stead and only develop in this— and only develop in the sunshine that you've cast down for me.
Julia (as Constructor Emeritus): They are as I have always taught you, grandson, horny for our technology.
Eric (as The Builder): They are so horny for that technology.
Julia (as Constructor Emeritus): In addition, the representative of Open Fields suggested that we begin to confiscate all keys from the pirates. Now, you and I both are in agreement about the pirate scourge and the more who go through our reeducation process, the better.
Julia: So one of the personal goals that I had for this was, get a point if innocent people are imperiled by the motions, which I think that, you know, pirates technically are innocent people until they do crimes.
Amanda: In front of their crewmates if they're in possession of a key or suspected of it.
Julia: Exactly.
Amanda: I would— I would agree.
Julia: Yeah.
Brandon: That's fair.
Eric: Yeah. That cou— I think that counts.
Julia: And then our country goal was to create a system of builder-approved merchants to gain a monopoly over the technology of Verda Stello, which is the first—
Amanda: Well—
Julia: —step in that communication system.
Eric: There it is.
Amanda: That— that sure happened.
Eric: Yeah, there it is.
Brandon: I blame Res and Greenlong!
Amanda: May the record reflect I voted nay, I voted nay.
Eric: Okay, great. And we're gonna go right to the scoring. The players decide in superlatives. Who do you think was the smartest? Who do you think was the most clever, and who does your character feel the closest to? You can't vote for yourself. We're gonna go with, who do you think was the smartest?
Amanda: I'm— I gotta give it to the Builder Emeritus. I mean, that was uncanny.
Brandon: Is that smart or sneaky?
Julia: You can be both, you know?
Eric: Smart and clever are separated out.
Brandon: Oh, they are?
Julia: Yeah.
Eric: Yeah. I give it to the Cresco. I think that convincing people to, quote unquote, "do the right thing" was— was pretty good.
Julia: Yeah, I would also give it to the Cresco for that move as well.
Brandon: Yeah, I think I would say yeah, smartest is Greenlong. Yeah.
Eric: Alright, smart goes to Greenlong.
Amanda: Thank you.
Eric: Clever, that one goes to Julia, a 100%.
Brandon: Yes. Yes.
Amanda: I'm down.
Eric: Yeah. And then character— and who does their— your character feel closest to?
Julia: I feel closest to Dr. Radish Radish because I am responsible for his death.
Amanda: That's true.
Eric: Fair, fair.
Julia: Nothing brings people closer together than being responsible for someone's death.
Eric: Hmm.
Amanda: I think Greenlong feels closest to Res because Res came around and voted with him on every important issue.
Julia: Hmm.
Brandon: Hmm.
Julia: Hmm.
Brandon: I guess I would have to say that, yeah, if Dr. Radish Radish was closest to Greenlong, I think they were most in step, and that's who he was trying to buoy favor with. We didn't say this, but I did slack Amanda before while we were on the docket.
Amanda: Yep.
Brandon: And I said— I said, "Dr. Radish Radish wishes to remind the Great Greenlong of the historical relationship and trade partnership between the grand producer Open Fields and the humble Overstalk and to celebrate it."
Julia: Okay, bruh.
Amanda: And Greenlong echoes that heartily reminds Dr. Radish Radish that without Open Fields goods, Overstalk would be keeling over from starvation stock. Neither country wishes to see that happen, so prioritizing water resources is for the good of all.
Eric: I gotta say Res also likes Dr. Radish Radish. He thinks Dr. Radish Radish is fun.
Julia: Yeah,
Amanda: Radish it is.
Eric: That's Rad— Radish gets a point.
Brandon: Woo.
Eric: Alright, we are going to do our totalling here. We tally the points. You get a point if your mot— if a motion you suggested was ratified. You get a point for achieving a personal or country goal and you get a point if you get a superlative. The winner has the most points at the end, unless winning means something else to you.
Julia: I technically got two by combining my two motions. Do I get two extra points for that? Or is it just the one—
Eric: I think you only get one.
Julia: Okay.
Eric: If you're doubling down on that, you can— and you make them intertwine, you only get one.
Julia: Okay. Cool.
Eric: Cool. Julia, what— what did you get points for?
Julia: I got my personal goal of collateral damage. I got my country goal of creating a system a Builder-approved merchants to gain a monopoly over the technology of Verda Stello I got a superlative of most clever, and I got one of my motions passed.
Eric: Alright.
Julia: Four points.
Eric: I got two points. One— I did old sport was my personal goal, where I had to make sure to not say anyone's name, I'd use only nicknames.
Julia: I knew it.
Eric: I had a country goal, which was staying in power by picking up allies for the Crags, but I got nothing else, so just two points.
Brandon: I think I also got two points. I got one point for the superlative and I got one point for achieving my personal goal of dying by someone else's hand.
Amanda: Incredible.
Eric: Oh, that one actually, Brandon, you don't get points for it, because it's a win condition.
Brandon: Oh, okay.
Eric: So that— unless specified, because you're not doing points, you're trying to win in a different way. You only get one point, but Brandon wins anyway.
Brandon: Cool.
Amanda: Damn. I might— I might win the old-fashioned way because I got five points.
Brandon: Whoa.
Eric: Let's go.
Amanda: A superlative, I passed two motions, and I also achieved my country goal which we decided earlier. And you guys weigh in on my personal goal, which was patriot. Get a point if your country's goal is achieved with aplomb and everyone sees how powerful your country is. Now, I would say powerful arguable, important is there, so I'll leave it up to consensus here, but either four or five points in that scenario.
Eric: I'd say important. I definitely say important. You did— and you did get everyone to sign this thing, which I think is really— which is boring, especially when there was still stuff on the docket that—
Amanda: Yeah.
Eric: I would say yes to that.
Julia: I do really like that we passed that resolution also out of spite for Dr. Radish Radish.
Eric: A 100%.
Julia: Because like we don't want to deal with the rest of the shit.
Eric: Yeah, so I give you that because it was— even over— over stuffing other people's intentions, I'd give that to you. That's five points for Amanda. Amanda and Brandon win, model your nations.
Brandon: Woo!
Julia: Damn, dude.
Amanda: Feels great. I'd like to thank everybody in high school who didn't tell me that Model UN was how you got internships in college. I— I wish I knew. Also those people all had business minors and now make great salaries and have children so, you know, good on you.
Julia: Woo.
Brandon: And I'd like to thank Dr. Radish Radish, the only being in this universe who was more chaotic than I am. It was— it was an honor to channel you.
Eric: Yeah.
Amanda: Eric, what a fun game. Thank you.
Julia: Yay.
Brandon: Yeah, Eric, it was so fun.
Eric: Yeah, I've been thinking about this one for a while, so I hope that people enjoyed this episode. I think I might— if I polish it up, I think I might turn this into like a real game, so you might see this in the Join the Party merch store at some point.
Amanda: Hey.
Julia: Woo.
Brandon: Uh-hmm.
Eric: So I'm not going to post it on Patreon, but if I do, it will come out like more formally, but I hope you all had fun. This was really great. Even when we were doing the docket, I was like, "Oh, this is good."
Brandon: Uh-hmm. Uh-hmm.
Julia: It was very fun. I liked it a lot.
Brandon: Hell yeah.
Amanda: Amazing.
Eric: And you know what they say at the Diamond Knot, whenever everything's finished— [mumbles]
[theme]