What do you do when a stowaway comes aboard your pirate ship? Ok, what if that stowaway is your friend’s sister? And what if that stowaway has a dangerous weapon and knows how to use it? These are all questions you should ask your crew instead of assuming you know the answer. The crew doesn’t know what to do when Troy’s government-sanctioned assassin sister Di got caught sneaking around the Sea Whip.
So hoist up the Sea Whip’s sail / See how the mainsail sets / Call for the pirates ashore, let her go home / Let her go home, she wants go home / She’s not asking, let her go home
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Cast & Crew
- Game Master, Co-Producer: Eric Silver
- Co-Host (Umbi), Co-Producer, Sound Designer, Composer: Brandon Grugle
- Co-Host (Chamomile Cassis), Co-Producer: Julia Schifini
- Co-Host (Troy Riptide), Co-Producer: Amanda McLoughlin
- Theme Song: Lyrics by Eric Silver, music by Brandon Grugle. Vocals by Brandon Grugle, Lauren Shippen, Julia Schifini, Roux Bedrosian, Eric Silver, Tyler Silver, and Amanda McLoughlin. Available for purchase here.
- Artwork: Allyson Wakeman
- Multitude: https://multitude.productions
About Us
Join the Party is an actual play podcast with tangible worlds, genre-pushing storytelling, and collaborators who make each other laugh each week. We welcome everyone to the table, from longtime players to folks who’ve never touched a roleplaying game before. Hop into our current campaign, a pirate story set in a world of plant- and bug-folk, or marathon our completed stories with the Camp-Paign, a MOTW game set in a weird summer camp, Campaign 2 for a modern superhero game, and Campaign 1 for a high fantasy story. And once a month we release the Afterparty, where we answer your questions about the show and how we play the game. New episodes every Tuesday.
Transcript
Eric: I remember a time before the Cascade dried up. Here in Verda Stello, the four nations of plant and bug people flourished and thrived. But the great waterfall that fed the land slowed to a trickle, revealing a vast Salt Sea and unknown islands. The only guide were the words of the 13 Dried Carvings. "The water will slow to fall, but the tides are turning. Find the Infinite Lake to replenish the world and discover the Salmon who will grant you a wish of whatever you desire." This marks the beginning of the Tide, as many Greenfolk hauled onto ships to find the Infinite Lake and maybe riches, adventure, excitement, and purpose along the way. And what exactly is a salmon? Is that a berry? That was 50 years ago, and the Tide rushes forward ever still. There are many stories caught on the wind between sails, but why don't we hear just one? Of a butterfly gunman with clipped wings, a ripened and explosive piece of produce, and a witch made out of tea. This is Join the Party Campaign 3, The Rising Tide!
[theme]
Amanda: Last time on Join the Party.
Eric: You know, I've been doing these recaps for, like, seven years now, and I shouldn't be surprised that the crew boxes themselves into a ridiculous corner and then gets out of that corner in the goofiest way possible, especially because I'm Eric from the future, which is my present, as opposed to the Eric that you know in the present of the podcast with the past for me. So I'm in the future, so I already know this happens. And when you think about it, these recaps are time paradox, but I should probably talk about what happened in the episode. Um, anyway, Umbi made a bunch of goons slip on some grease, and then Brandon rolled a double zero on a D 100 to check if he died. So we're gonna come back to that later. Cammie got both her and Umbi out of that scrape and back onto the ship, but something's not right. Gloria and Troy was there too, noticed some invisible mirrors that someone was using as camouflage to get on the ship. After doing some detective work, Cammie grabs the intruder. It's Troy's government-sanctioned assassin sister, Di. If I could give you one piece of advice before I'm sucked into the time portal, invest in Scrub Daddies. Do it. Let's get the party started. Ahhh.
Eric (as Di): You want to know how I did it? It was easy.
Eric: Brandon put some really, like, emotional spy music here.
Brandon: Emotional spy music.
Eric: Yeah, like, it's not—
Brandon: Like minor key— [spy music]
Eric: Yeah— no, no. No, no. Like, it's classy, not like Mission Impossible. Like classy spy music.
Brandon: Okay.
Eric (as Di): I've been stalking your ship for days, just waiting for the perfect time to come aboard. And obviously, it was when you all had to get snacks.
Eric (as Umbi): Oh, who wants snacks? I do I'm old because I have to pee.
Eric (as Cammie): Oh, I probably want snacks up for tea bags and stuff. We'll be the ones to go because my stu—because Troy, who's someone else's stupid brother, has to stay on board.
Eric (as Troy): Hahaha, that's me. I'm Troy.
Eric (as Di): And that's when I made my move.
Eric: Di takes off the scuba suit she's wearing, pulls off the scuba suit and the snorkel, and climbs up the side of the Sea Whip, rolls the bulb that pops out as a daisy, and then while Troy is tying his shoe—
Eric (as Troy): Oh, my shoe is untied always because I'm Troy and some old woman I've never seen before.
Eric: While they're looking away, then all of the mirrors go, "Pop, pop, pop, pop, pop, pop" directly facing different ways so that they won't notice they're not looking at the convenience store, but maybe something a little bit to the right.
Eric (as Di): Obviously, that's when all of you would do something that was incredibly dumb.
Eric: And then we cut back to [explosions] 10 net guns going off, and only one hitting Umbi.
Brandon (as Umbi): I don't think that's incredibly dumb. I did get eight of them.
Julia (as Cammie): He did get them.
Amanda (as Troy): Seems smart, actually.
Brandon (as Umbi): Seems very smart.
Amanda (as Troy): Actually.
Brandon (as Umbi): Actually.
Eric (as Di): In context. But out of context, like I was experiencing, it was stupid.
Amanda (as Troy): And afterward, when I got down there, I realized my boots do not have laces, so they weren't even untied. They weren't even untied, okay?
Eric (as Di): What I didn't— what I keep forgetting, and what everyone seems to be forgetting is that the sweet, high-pitched one always has way more powerful magic than anyone really thinks exists.
Julia (as Cammie): Yeah. I do.
Eric (as Cammie): Here I am. I popped up. It scares people how powerful I am.
Eric (as Di): And that's when I had to make my move. I reactivated my cloaking device, and I went downstairs smartly, quickly, stealthily.
Eric: And then there's just Di walking down the stairs to below deck.
Eric (as Di): I had to look around and figure out where I was gonna go. Downstairs? No. They would understand it. In Troy's room? Gross. Definitely smelly. In Umbi's room? Gross, definitely smelly. In Cammie's room? No, I— that's— scary stuff is in there. And then I saw loose medical supplies, and I knew that I had my in. Now, when you— now, something you learn in spy school—
Eric: Julia, you good?
Julia: You got me good on that one. You got me good on that one. It was a good one.
Amanda: I hope this is the whole episode. That was great.
Eric (as Di): Now, something you learn in spy school is that you never hide in this first or second most anticipated hiding spot. You always go for the third.
Julia (as Cammie): Those are where I looked.
Brandon (as Umbi): If there's always— wait, if you always do the third, then wouldn't that be the first most anticipated spot, then? If it's a rule that you always do the third.
Julia (as Cammie): For not spies, I think, is what she means.
Eric (as Di): And that's when I did my evaluation of the room, under the desk, under the bed, easy, obvious. In a crate, in a chest, also obvious, a little less obvious, too. Up, okay. No one ever looks up. Pirates never look up. And that's when I made my move.
Eric: And Di— I guess the CGI looks really bad as Di jumps from the ground just up onto the shelves without touching the bed.
Brandon: Her limbs don't even move. Her body just goes straight up stiff.
Eric: She like— yeah. She looks like a cat the whole time, like when you hold a cat.
Brandon: Yeah.
Eric: And your limbs— and the limbs are loose, and she just goes up.
Amanda: Uh-hmm.
Eric: And, of course, there's like a cut to her landing softly.
Eric (as Di): Obviously, you would have underestimated anyone being able to stand up there. So I did it, because I'm always underestimated. But you shouldn't, because I'm a great spy.
Brandon (as Umbi): Did you just say a short joke on yourself?
Eric (as Di): No. I'm— I've always been underestimated. Everyone thought that I'm just the youngest daughter of a royal family, and one of my brothers is the king, and the other ones are doofuses, but I'm not. I have a lot to offer. That's why I'm a great spy.
Brandon (as Umbi): Oh, man. Don't I know what that feels like.
Eric (as Di): No, you don't. I'm the world— because I work for the World Government.
Julia (as Cammie): I mean, we did find you, though, and now you're frozen here.
Eric (as Di): That's right. And now— it is now.
Eric: Di's cloaking device has deactivated, but she is still covered in octopus ink.
Julia: Uh-hmm.
Eric: You can see that she's still wearing wetsuit bottoms. Like she wrapped her wetsuit around her waist. Her wings are also like Troy's cut. I don't think we've ever talked about this, but she's had them pierced so they're permanently tied. It's almost like a corset, almost.
Brandon: Cool.
Eric: They're permanently tied up.
Amanda: Metal.
Eric: Because she's, of course, wearing a very cool black tank top under her very cool spy wetsuit. She's also wearing goggles that seem to be doing nothing for her.
Brandon: Over her eyes?
Eric: No, no, that's up on— she— it's— that she was using.
Brandon: Oh, okay.
Julia: Like an anime character, yeah.
Eric: Yeah, yeah. Like an anime character. Thank you, Julia.
Julia: Uh-hmm.
Eric: I'm glad that we could talk in a fringua lanca— or in a lingua franca.
Julia: Right. Like, they're the lead character of every season of Digimon.
Amanda: Yeah.
Eric: Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Amanda (as Troy): Di, you could have just come with us. Well, you could have just been like, "Hey, can I come with you?" And I would have been like, "Yeah. Yeah, that's right. Suck it. Say you're sorry." "Yes, actually." And then I would have cried, and then you would have been there.
Brandon (as Umbi): Troy, that's why she didn't come with us, because you would have done that.
Julia (as Cammie): Cried.
Eric (as Di): You would have cried, I predicted it. I ran 100 scenarios, and 99 of them involved you crying.
Amanda (as Troy): People don't like it when you cry?
Julia (as Cammie): So why are you following us?
Amanda (as Troy): Because I cry a lot, is that not— should I not have been doing that?
Julia (as Cammie): No, I love when you cry, Troy.
Brandon (as Umbi): No, I love it. I use your tears as a reagent.
Julia (as Cammie): I use it to season tea.
Eric (as Havana): It's actually the main component in a lot of my health potions.
Amanda (as Troy): Oh, good.
Eric (as Gloria): Why are you using tears? Don't use your friends' tears. No one knew.
Julia (as Cammie): Well, if he's gonna keep making them, we might as well use them.
Amanda (as Troy): Thanks, Gloria.
Eric (as Nonny): Nonny sounds.
Julia (as Cammie): Thanks, Nonny. Thanks for the backup. So why are you following us?
Amanda (as Troy): No, but— why'd you sneak into our ship and really scarily make it so that Gloria and me couldn't help when some guards descended on my friends? Are you guys okay?
Julia (as Cammie): Yeah.
Brandon (as Umbi): Yeah, we're fine.
Amanda (as Troy): Okay.
Eric (as Bartlett): Oh. I'm also here. I'm a parrot.
Julia (as Cammie): Okay.
Eric: They're all fine. They're also fine. All the animals are fine.
Julia (as Cammie): Yeah, everyone's here. Everyone's fine.
Brandon (as Umbi): Bartlett, shut up.
Eric: All the animals are fine.
Amanda: Cute.
Eric (as Di): Well, continuing the streak of stupid stuff that my brother does, I would have—
Amanda (as Troy): Which one?
Julia (as Cammie): There's so many apparently.
Eric (as Di): You. You.
Amanda (as Troy): It was me. It was me.
Eric (as Di): It was you. I hate that I'm paralyzed and can't do anything about this.
Julia (as Cammie): Uh-hmm.
Eric (as Di): He's gonna be so smug. He's just gonna, like, hold it over me. Like, I bet— I can't see because I can't move my neck, but is he holding a loogie over me? You have to tell me.
Amanda (as Troy): I'm not touching you. I'm not touching you. I'm not touching you. I'm not touching you. I'm not touching you. I'm not touching you. I'm not touching you.
Eric (as Di): No, no, no. Nooo. Yes you are. It's the same feeling. It's the same thing. It's— that's the same thing.
Brandon (as Umbi): Was holding over you also a self-burn, short joke on yourself?
Eric (as Di): No!
Brandon (as Umbi): Okay.
Julia (as Cammie): You started to answer the question.
Eric (as Di): I cannot believe how worked up all of you get me. I'm a professional secret black ops World Government spy.
Julia (as Cammie): Yeah.
Eric (as Di): I can't— this is why I don't do any work involving my family.
Julia (as Cammie): That's tough.
Brandon (as Umbi): Have you met three pirates in a ship before, though? I don't think so.
Eric (as Di): I have.
Julia (as Cammie): Have you considered therapy?
Eric (as Di): No, I haven't considered it.
Julia (as Cammie): Oh.
Eric (as Di): It's not in our healthcare. Okay. I'm here because I thought it would— you wouldn't do something as—well, I'm here because I thought you would do something as stupid as have the fugitives who— because you're fugitives yourself, all of you fugitives would go befriend fugitives together and have a big fugitive friend club.
Amanda (as Troy): Who's the other fugitives you are trying to use us to get?
Eric (as Di): I'm looking for Archimedes Sevens and the key.
Brandon (as Umbi): Oh.
Julia (as Cammie): I don't think he's a fugitive. I think he literally works for the state.
Amanda (as Troy): And you're trying to get the key to bring it to me, your brother, Troy, so that I can use it to open the gate to the salmon and save the world, right? Because you definitely wouldn't give it to the World Government, what, is the Diamond Knot, who you know is run by idiots like High.
Eric (as Di): Yeah.
Julia (as Cammie): Troy, I think that was a lie.
Eric (as Di): Yeah, you're right. I wouldn't do that.
Amanda (as Troy): All right. Let's leave her behind. Send her off, send her off.
Eric (as Di): But I need to know. But I need to know. I know, I need to know where the thing is.
Amanda (as Troy): Send her off on the raft. I'm not joking.
Eric (as Di): Okay, no. Okay, well, don't you want to know what this is?
Eric: And clasped in her hand the entire time as I described before in the last episode, is what looks to be a sharpened string bean.
Brandon: Oh, yeah.
Eric: A sharpened string bean has a hilt on the end. It's kind of like stuck in her hand, and it smells pretty vinegary.
Brandon (as Umbi): I do, because I also want one.
Julia (as Cammie): I mean, you could just tell us.
Eric (as Di): Not if you threaten to put me on a raft, then. Put me on a raft, then you're not gonna find out what this is.
Brandon (as Umbi): What if we just take it and then put you on the raft?
Julia (as Cammie): Yeah. I can literally just yoink it out of your hand right now.
Eric (as Di): If you think that you have the ability to take it out of my hand delicately without hurting yourself incredibly, then, go ahead.
Julia (as Cammie): Umbi?
Eric (as Di): Do it.
Brandon (as Umbi): I could plant a bomb in your hand, to blow up the hand, and then maybe— I don't know. I don't think that's a good idea. I don't know.
Amanda (as Troy): Okay. What is it?
Eric (as Di): Do it. Do it.
Amanda (as Troy): What is it?
Eric (as Di): No, hold on, hey, Troy, Troy?
Amanda (as Troy): Yeah?
Eric (as Di): Do it, blow up my hand. Do you want to know how much mandatory torture I've had to do? Do it.
Julia (as Cammie): Oh, Troy, don't you have something that makes people drop something?
Amanda (as Troy): Yeah, but I'm afraid of it, um, because she said it could hurt my pumpy. What is it— fine.
Brandon (as Umbi): What is it?
Amanda (as Troy): Is it the thing that makes the people do the madness and then they become the rock?
Eric (as Di): A what?
Julia (as Cammie): The lichenthropy.
Amanda (as Troy): Does it spread lichenthropy?
Julia (as Cammie): Lichenthropy.
Eric (as Di): No, it doesn't spend— it doesn't— I don't even know— I wouldn't know anything about that, which sounds wild and crazy and something I'm not involved— I don't have dossiers on and I'm very informed about.
Julia (as Cammie): You're lying again. Also, I want those dossiers.
Eric (as Di): No, you can't have it. It's literally the thing I love the most in the world, is my dossiers.
Julia (as Cammie): Well, do you want to keep the dossier, or do you want to keep the cool knife you have?
Eric (as Di): I don't keep the dossiers on me.
Julia (as Cammie): You— okay.
Eric (as Di): They're in my brain. They're in my brain. They're in my sweet—
Julia (as Cammie): I feel like you physically had a copy.
Eric (as Di): —little, wrinkly, green brain. That's where I keep all of it. And then when I open my eyes, the sun comes in and it grows. My brain has its own chlorophyll. That's how good it is.
Amanda (as Troy): Oh. Alright. Do I have to—
Eric: The faces both of you have made.
Brandon (as Umbi): What are you, Sherlock?
Eric (as Di): Yes, I go into my mind palace, but my mind palace, it's a greenhouse. And every thought—
Amanda (as Troy): Uh-huh.
Eric (as Di): —is a little plant that grows, and as my eyes taking the rays of the sun, which is re-information and each little wrinkle grows a little bit.
Julia (as Cammie): We're getting away from the point, again.
Amanda (as Troy): Do I have to stab your forearm to make you release the knife, or will you tell us what it is?
Brandon (as Umbi): Hey, guys, is it called Appledore? Because that works still.
Eric: What is Appledore?
Brandon: You guys don't remember from Sherlock, when he went to that stupid fucking thing called Appledore where—
Julia: I certainly don't specifically remember the name of that, Brandon.
Brandon: It was the worst episode of the entire series.
Eric: They're— we've already alienated people who uses faxes before. I don't know if we should be, like, only encouraging SuperWhoLock fans and alienating everyone younger than that.
Brandon: I was gonna say, for sure, Eric, everyone listening to this podcast knows what Appledore is.
Amanda: I did go to the first SuperWhoLock meetup in New York City.
Eric: Yikes.
Amanda: That's true.
Julia: Girl. Girl, that's crazy.
Amanda: Yeah. No, it was.
Eric: Yoinks. Yoinks and yings.
Amanda: Well, you married me, so—
Julia: Well, well, sucks for you, I guess.
Amanda: Not that bad.
Eric: Damn. Yeah, I'm part of a taxable unit with a SuperWhoLock. Damn.
Julia (as Cammie): We have to keep this ball rolling.
Brandon (as Umbi): Where's the fucking knife, man?
Julia (as Cammie): Stab or tell. Stab or tell.
Brandon (as Umbi): Stab or tell.
Julia (as Cammie): Stab or tell.
Brandon (as Umbi): Stab or tell.
Amanda: And Troy grabs an arrow out of his back.
Eric: Hey, Cammie.
Julia: Uh-hmm.
Eric: What's the wisdom save?
Julia:16.
Eric:16?
Julia: Uh-hmm.
Eric: Can you— withhold person, do you have her up in the air?
Julia: No, it's just the target is paralyzed for the duration.
Eric: Oh, right. I just hilariously had her tea posing.
Julia: Yes, you had her tea posing.
Eric: And in my head, I was like, "And she's floating six feet above ground."
Amanda: Like a psychic gym trainer.
Eric: Cool.
Brandon: Ooh.
Eric: Well, I rolled an 18 on the dice, so here's what happens.
Amanda: Okay.
Eric: Di says—
Eric (as Di): I'll tell you when I'm dead.
Eric: And she rolls into a ball, and leaps through Troy's legs—
Amanda (as Troy): No.
Eric: —and makes a break towards the door.
Amanda (as Troy): Alright. Opportunity attack, please.
Eric: Now, the other thing about it is that because she is an incredible rogue and also knows how to roll between people's legs, just like her brother, that is only a bonus action, and she still has an action where she yells—
Eric (as Di): Smoke bombs!
Eric: And throws smoke bombs behind her as she runs up the stairs. And you hear— [fizzles]
Julia: I— see, Eric, I didn't want to interrupt, because you're such a beautiful storyteller, and I love that for you, and I love this.
Eric: Sure.
Julia: But I am going to use a reaction spell.
Eric: Okay. Fine. You can do it as soon as she throws the smoke bomb.
Julia: It says as a reaction when you see a— when a creature you can see within range uses its action to attack or takes the dash, dodge, or disengage action, they must make a wisdom saving throw. On a failed save, the creature takes an action of your choice.
Eric: Okay. I would call that— dash, dodge, or disengage? No, you're right. That's a— that is a disengage as a bonus action. You're right, so that counts.
Julia: Uh-hmm.
Eric: Okay. Sorry, she doesn't get to throw the smoke bombs. I'm sorry, Brandon, we're gonna ha— that joke just flies off into a— into the ether, unfortunately.
Brandon: If you could dash, dodge or—
Julia: If you can dodge a wrench, you can do—
Brandon: What is the last one?
Eric: You can work for the World Government.
Julia: Dip, dodge, ditch— uh, no.
Brandon: You can dash, dodge, disengage a wrench.
Amanda: What's happening?
Eric: Dip, dabs and dodge. It's from—
Julia: It’s all Dodgeball references.
Eric: It's from Dodgeball, the movie Dodgeball.
Amanda: Okay.
Julia: A really good movie.
Eric: Amanda's like, "That never happened. Why would they make a movie about dodgeball?"
Julia: Why would Rip Torn be in that?
Eric: And Rip Torn doesn't even know. Okay. So, yeah, disengage rolls through Troy's legs, and makes a break for the stairs.
Julia: Great. What should I have her do instead?
Eric: I gotta do a wisdom saving throw?
Julia: Yeah.
Eric: Alright.
Julia: I can have her do a attack, a dash, a dodge or a disengage.
Eric: [dice roll]
Julia: It's basically making her do a different action than what she took.
Amanda: Yeah. Can she dash further into the ship so we can corner her?
Julia: Sure.
Amanda: Was that anything?
Eric: I did fail.
Julia: Excellent.
Eric: I rolled a 9 plus 1.
Julia: I love to hear it.
Brandon: Hey, Eric, that's big of you to admit your failure, so—
Amanda: Julia, if she attacks Troy instead, I can use one of my risk die to, like—
Eric: I kind of like that. Instead—
Julia: Yeah.
Eric: —of rolling through Troy's legs—
Amanda: Roll into me.
Eric: —she, like, is underneath him and swings at him or something.
Julia: Yes.
Eric: Or that while she's in her— in his space.
Julia: I was thinking that, Amanda, but because you are the one she was closest to, I didn't want to be like, "And then she attacks Troy."
Amanda: No, no, that's fine.
Julia: Because that seems like a shitty thing to do without consulting you, but okay.
Amanda: That's fine. I'd rather do that without— and not lose her.
Eric: I'll say, she's holding the dagger in her hand. She's gonna do with the dagger.
Julia: Okay. If you're sure.
Eric: I'm just saying.
Amanda: I mean, I prefer she doesn't stab me with a dagger. Can she do an unarmed strike? Can you choose how she attacks?
Julia: No.
Eric: No.
Julia: It just says, I have to tell her to—
Eric: And that's like her equipped weapon.
Julia: Yeah.
Amanda: Then I think she should run— she should dash further into the ship.
Julia: Okay.
Eric: Can you affect the direction?
Julia: No.
Eric: Like she would just— because she'd be gone.
Julia: Yes. So let me— hold on.
Eric: You would have an oppor— you actually— you would have an opportunity attack against her.
Julia: Because she didn't disengage.
Eric: So you could do it anyway.
Amanda: Okay. So have her dash, then I get an opportunity attack, she's going past me?
Eric: Yeah.
Julia: Yes.
Amanda: Okay. Yeah, that's good.
Eric: Okay, cool. No, let's do that.
Amanda: Alright.
Julia: Okay.
Brandon: Oh, that's a good one-two punch.
Amanda: Yeah.
Julia: So I'm gonna have her take instead the dash action rather than the disengage.
Eric: Okay. So assuming all goes as planned, instead of rolling through Troy's legs and getting out of there, if all goes as planned, she will be out on deck.
Julia: Okay.
Eric: Away from everyone else, because we've already done everyone else's voices and everyone is down here.
Julia: Well, we know that Sil and Harold are not down here.
Eric: Sil and Harold are up there, but everyone else. So assuming all goes as planned, instead of rolling through Troy's leg, she sto—the steam grabs her and readjusts her towards just running past Troy.
Julia: Yeah, I think it, like, sinks up into her nose when she tries to inhale, and then she's like, "Wait, that's a bad idea."
Amanda: Hmm.
Eric: The momentary—
Julia: Intrusive thoughts.
Eric: It's like, "Oh, I don't know if I can make this roll. I'm just gonna run instead."
Julia: Yeah.
Eric: Cool. I'm also gonna say, give me flat D 20 rolls for Brandon as well. Just—
Brandon: For me?
Eric: —1 through 20.
Julia: Not Umbi, just Brandon?
Eric: Yeah. Let's see if Brandon's there.
Brandon: A 3.
Eric: Okay.
Amanda: He's not.
Julia: Well, it's a real Brandon roll, so—
Eric: [dice roll] Okay.
Julia: That's a lot of rolls.
Eric: Cool. So she's going to run past Troy and also Gloria.
Amanda: Ooh. Can I get an opportunity attack on that?
Eric: Absolutely. So, Troy, you get— first, she tries to push past you.
Brandon: Come on, come on, come on, come on, come on.
Amanda: Oh, fuck. I thought it was a 19, it's a 16, then I would have auto crit. Okay. That's a 16 plus 4 for a Dirty 20.
Eric: That does hit.
Amanda: Okay.
Julia: You can also make it a grapple attack, Amanda.
Amanda: Well, because I hit her, I can have it be limb shot, so she drops the dagger.
Julia: Also a good option.
Amanda: Which I think is the best idea, yeah.
Eric: Oh, goddamn.
Amanda: So, yeah, Troy is going to just instinctively shoot out with his arrow. It's definitely close range, but that's what he had in his hand.
Eric: Because you want to use the limb shot, and you're using a ranged weapon on someone who is running by you at close range, you get disadvantage. I will tell you right now, you would have hit. I'm looking— I got a 15 right here.
Julia: You got this, Amanda.
Amanda: With disadvantage, it's a 6 plus 4 for a 10.
Eric: Hmm. Not gonna do it. Di pushes by you as you try to fire your crossbow inside, and the arrow goes wonky.
Amanda: Hmm.
Eric: You know what? I'm gonna undo all of this because I'm looking—
Julia: Okay.
Eric: —at Amanda's character sheet and it has something—
Julia: Yeah.
Eric: She's had something since level three called Creative trajectory.
Julia: Yeah.
Eric: That says your ranged firearms ignore a half cover, and I never use cover. So instead, I'm gonna let you negate the disadvantage that's happening here, and I'm gonna— the original hit stand.
Amanda: Hell yeah.
Brandon: I think that's fair.
Julia: I think that's totally fair.
Eric: Because we read too many things that Brandon just cut for us not to make this happen, and—
Julia: Okay.
Eric: —I'm using all the things I read to make this happen, I'm saying this is a hit.
Julia: Okay.
Amanda: Okay.
Julia: Hell yeah.
Brandon: Hey, Eric, I think that's fair and kind and wise.
Eric: Remember that when I—
Julia: So wise.
Eric: — when Umbi dies at the end of today.
Julia: So wise.
Amanda: Alright. And that was a 20 to hit.
Eric: Okay.
Amanda: So gonna use a risk die and make her drop an object of my choice.
Brandon: Yeah.
Julia: Yeah.
Amanda: That would be 4, so this— so 5 plus 2 plus 1 is an 8, because Gloria's thing gave us a plus 1 for attack, right?
Eric: I love how limb shot is like—
Brandon: Yes.
Eric: I love how limb shot is— feels like it stands out from the other ones, because the other ones are like, "Add number, subtract number." And limb shot is, "Drop it."
Julia: "Do whatever the fuck you want."
Eric: "Drop it.
Brandon: "Hey, Di, Di, drop it."
Eric: "Drop it. "
Brandon: "Di."
Eric: "Drop it."
Brandon: "Drop it. "
Eric: "Drop it."
Brandon: "Di."
Eric: "Drop it."
Amanda: So you have to succeed, Eric, on a DC 15 constitution saving throw.
Eric: To see if I drop it?
Amanda: Uh-hmm.
Eric: Alright, here we go. I got a plus 2. [dice roll] Amanda, I'm so sorry, that is a natural 20 on the dice.
Julia: Fuck you.
Brandon: What? What?
Amanda: Well, she still takes 8 points of damage.
Eric: She takes 8 points of damage as you've— you— as the, like— the crossbow goes off in real action movie who got shot, everyone doesn't really know the situation.
Amanda: We freeze, look down, touch our stomachs.
Eric: There's an arrow in her arm, and she drops it, and catches it with the other hand.
Brandon: Ooh.
Eric: Does the L on her forehead, calling you a loser.
Amanda: Hey.
Eric: And keeps going.
Julia: Can Nonny take an attack of opportunity as well? You did just say that she was on the stairs before.
Eric: Right. Oh, no. Actually, no, I already rolled this. I only have Gloria. That's why I rolled the D 20s, was that I was rolling for all of the pets, plus Gloria and Havana Tropicana, and all I got was Gloria.
Julia: Okay.
Brandon: But Glor— that means Gloria can trip her with her hammer.
Eric: That's what's gonna happen.
Julia: True.
Amanda: But Gloria's not gonna miss.
Julia: Okay.
Eric: True. And then— so because—
Brandon: Gloria fucking miss.
Eric: —the dash still happens. Guy is running through Gloria's airspace, and now Gloria is going to try to trip her.
Brandon: Gloria don't miss.
Eric: [dice roll] Folks, that's a 7.
Brandon: Gloria does miss sometimes.
Eric: Di steps around her.
Julia: Oh, boy.
Eric: Gloria is a step too late putting the hammer out to trip her, and Di has run up the stairs.
Julia: Alright. Well, we can still follow and do spells and bombs and whatnot.
Brandon: Yeah.
Julia: It's all good. It's not the end. We didn't hear a splash.
Brandon: Yeah. I think I forgot to tell you, Eric, that part of our ship's construction is that the staircase is alive and is a mouth, so—
Julia: It turns into a—
Eric: Oh.
Julia: —like a funny—
Brandon: Yeah.
Julia: —little slide, and she slides right down.
Amanda: Wait, Julia, do—
Brandon: Yeah.
Amanda: —you have any kind of spell that can, like, make it— Brandon, can you throw a— the lubrication bomb?
Julia: Can you— can we lube them up again, Brandon?
Eric: Why— oh, Julia, are you gonna scurry something on deck and trip her up?
Julia: I mean, I could.
Eric: If you want to.
Brandon: Wait, is it time— can we do actions now or is this still reaction time?
Eric: No, go. She's gone. She is run— well, you can run after her.
Amanda: We run after her.
Brandon: And she's up the stairs. Okay.
Eric: She is running up the stairs, you all give chase.
Brandon: Okay. Well, I'm gonna throw a teleportation bomb and just get in front of her.
Eric: Okay, good. Good, good.
Amanda: Yeah.
Eric: Make an attack roll for me. I'm gonna say it's the same armor class. I'm looking for a 15.
Brandon: Okay. So this is plus 8.
Eric: Okay.
Amanda: 7 or better.
Brandon: That's an 18 plus 8 for a 26. Like a fucking NBA master. That's what they call 'em, right?
Eric: Like the old guys at the NBA who shot their free throws by throwing it granny style.
Brandon: I throw the hardest pick anyone's ever seen at Diana.
Eric: Oh, my God. I like that you just pop up and you're like, "And she's like, "Aaah!" And she just runs into you.
Brandon: Uh-huh.
Eric: So when you do a teleportation bomb, that's, like, your action?
Brandon: Yeah.
Eric: Okay. That's so really funny. I like how it's like, surprise is your action.
Brandon: Uh-hmm.
Eric: I love it. She collides into you, and she's still trying to move. Julia, you want her to do something?
Julia: Um, just looking at my hexes. I have one that's called hobble, that does reduce her speed to 10 feet.
Eric: Hmm.
Julia: But I feel like there might be a better option for us here, in terms of getting her to stay. I could just cast another whole person, though.
Eric: You could.
Julia: What would we say her like charisma is?
Eric: It's a great question. It's not one of the things I've said so far.
Julia: Yeah.
Eric: And I'm not going to tell you.
Julia: Damn.
Eric: I don't know. Suave—
Julia: Damn, you got me.
Eric: I have very suave and debonair super spy.
Julia: Maybe, maybe.
Brandon: Who definitely holds her cool all around her older brother.
Eric: Yeah.
Julia: Yeah. She's definitely really good at that.
Eric: Really good at holding her cool. While this is happening, there is a very funny— there's a lot of juking and dodging around the hands of Hal, Sil and Havana Tropicana. They were all trying to— kind of running around in a real Yakety Sax sort of way, trying to grab her, especially it's all happening around Umbi.
Amanda: Ya, ta, ta, ta, ta, ta, ta, da, da.
Eric: Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh.
Brandon: Eric, do you think that Umbi would be like the Larry Bird? Like would he be a legend, an NBA legend?
Eric: Yeah. Much like Larry Bird. This is actually really true. He irreparably hurt his back, because after being an NBA star for a while, and they weren't paid as well as they were now. The NBA bloomed around him with Magic Johnson and Larry Bird in the '80s, so he paid, though. He always played okay and better throughout his career. He irreparably hurt his back redoing his driveway.
Julia: Oh, I didn't know that.
Brandon: Oh, no.
Amanda: Lar!
Eric: It's much like something that Umbi would do.
Brandon: Yeah.
Amanda: Lar!
Eric: Larry Bird also notorious asshole and shit-talker.
Brandon: Oh, yeah, that makes sense. Yeah.
Eric: So Umbi would also— there was a time that Larry Bird won a three point contest while still wearing his warm ups. So that's like Umbi throwing a bomb in your face while wearing only his boxers, his old man boxers.
Brandon: A 100%, yeah. Julia, what do you got?
Julia: I just found the perfect spell.
Brandon: Oh, fuck yeah.
Amanda: Nice.
Julia: It truly could not be a better spell.
Eric: Hmm.
Julia: This is called curse of chains.
Eric: Uh-oh.
Amanda: Uh-oh.
Eric: That's bad for me.
Julia: A black brand resembling iron shackles darkens the ankles of two creatures you can see within range. Choose two creatures you can see within range of the spell to make a constitution saving throw. A willing creature can choose to fail this saving throw. On a failed save, a target is cursed for the duration. If only one target is cursed by the spell, you can use your action or bonus action on the subsequent turn to choose another target within 30 feet of the cursed creature to make a saving throw. While two creatures are cursed by the spell, they are unable to willingly move further away from each other.
Brandon: Ha!
Eric: How long is the chain?
Julia: It's only a minute, and the range is 120 feet.
Eric: Okay. Still pretty good.
Julia: Uh-hmm.
Eric: I would ask, Julia—
Julia: Uh-hmm.
Eric: —in your divine wisdom, if only— I'm just a pauper, a small, bedraggled Game Master—
Julia: Uh-hmm.
Eric: —who's come to your court to ask only for a meager pittance, if you would love to shackle her to Umbi?
Julia: No. What I would love to shackle her to is her very good sibling Troy.
Eric: Oh.
Amanda: Yeah.
Brandon: Yeah, yeah. Even better.
Eric: Okay, fine.
Julia: This is like making children wear a, like, Get Along big T-shirt.
Eric: Oh, the Get Along big T-shirt.
Amanda: Yeah.
Julia: Uh-hmm.
Eric: Sure, sure, sure. Alright. How does this happen? Does this, like, come out of your teapot? Do you, like, pour it out?
Julia: I've been— I've really been vibing with the. Idea of tea steam just pouring out of Cammie's mouth, like a horror movie character.
Eric: Oh, yeah. And it turns into magical chain?
Amanda: Yeah.
Julia: Magical golden hour chains.
Amanda: Like they start blowing smoke rings, and then it turns into a chain.
Brandon: Ooh, that's cool.
Julia: Uh-hmm. Yeah. And Cammie goes—
Julia (as Cammie): Troy, trust me.
Amanda (as Troy): Okay, I do.
Eric: Alright. That's a willing fail from Troy, as it—
Julia: Uh-hmm.
Eric: —shackles to one of his legs.
Amanda (as Troy): Okay.
Eric: What do I gotta do?
Julia: Constitution saving throw.
Eric: Constitution, that's a two. What am I looking for, 16?
Julia: 16.
Eric: Alright, I need a 14 or above to get out of this mess.
Brandon: I don't think you can do it, Eric.
Eric: [dice roll] That's a 19, my friends.
Brandon: Fuck!
Julia: Fuck. Dude.
Eric: DiAnnalyse, you have been underestimating her because she's a little sister, but actually—
Julia: We're not underestimating her. We're just trying our best out here, man.
Eric: But actually, she pulls out a standard issue fan that she whips out that says, "I am a part of the secret World Government and all I got was this fan." And she blows the steam away.
Amanda (as Troy): Di, spend time with me. What did I do to you?
Eric: I think she is, like, overwhelmed by that question. She, like— 10 answers forms on her mouth, and she's like—
Eric (as Di): Oh, you're so annoying.
[theme]
Amanda: Hey, everybody. It's Amanda. Welcome to the midroll, where we have two time sensitive announcements right up top. First, we are finalists for the Signal Awards, which is podcasting's premier award, recognizing the podcasts that define culture. They think that's us, and we are a finalist, but we need your help to win. Between now and October 17th, just a couple of days left, we need your help to cinch the people's Signal Award for gaming and actual play. You can vote at signalaward.com, just search for Multitude or directly using the link in the description, and you can vote Join the Party as the best gaming and actual play podcast. Then when you're done, vote for Pale Blue Pod in the Science category and Spirits for Paranormal and Horror. Oh, we're so excited. Thank you for your help. I hope we win. And second, we have collaborated with Dispel Dice, creators of literally the most beautiful dice in the world to create Campaign Three dice. We are so excited. You're so excited. There is nowhere else that you can go to own plant pirate dice. These are crystal blue, like the waters of Verda Stello with flowers and treasure and parrots on them. We are so excited. We spent months working on these, even so far back as before the Rolling Bones Tour, which is why we recorded a special video tour of all of our dice that we posted recently for our patrons. You can preorder a set of plant pirate dice at jointhepartypod.com/dice. And the reason we're doing a preorder is because it lets us order exactly the right amount, so these are going to be limited edition, folks. If you want the dice, you should preorder them, because once they're made and going out to your homes in early 2025, there are going to be very few sets left for purchase. This is the way we want to treat merch going forward, where we make extremely cool, high-quality limited edition stuff with partners that we shop at and admire already, just like Dispel. And preorders make sure that we make just the right amount and no more. So if you want them, preorder them now at jointhepartypod.com/dice. And you know who helped us take so much time to make such beautiful dice, such that we— probably, like you got very little sleep on the day we announced it because we were so excited to get the dice photos out into the world? It's our newest patrons, Clarice, Soundly Sunshine, Soft Lightning and Three Kits in a Trench Coat. I hope you guys enjoy the dice tour video. That's the kind of bonus content you can expect when you support us on Patreon. If you want to enjoy that video, the biweekly Party Planning podcast where we play games and act like silly little gooses, plus get access to our patron-only Discord, ad-free episodes and so much more. You've got to join us at patreon.com/jointhepartypod. We are sponsored this week by Mint Mobile. Now, I have had a lot of phone plans with a lot of different providers in my life, and I can say with 100% certainty that Mint Mobile is the easiest phone provider to deal with of all time. They have actually a very good website, a very easy and straightforward way to get service, and best of all, right now, they're offering wireless service for $15 a month with the purchase of a three-month plan. That is less than I've ever paid for any of my phone providers. Honestly, the most annoying part of switching to Mint Mobile is breaking up with your old provider and spending time on the phone with them to end your service because they really don't want to let you go. So you can get started at mintmobile.com/jointheparty where you will see that, right now, all three-month plans are only $15 a month, including the unlimited plan. Every plan Mint Mobile offers comes with high-speed data and unlimited talk and text delivered on the nation's largest 5G network. You can also use your own phone and bring your phone number along with all your existing contacts. To get this new customer offer and your new three-month premium wireless plan for just 15 bucks a month, go to mintmobile.com/jointheparty. That's mintmobile.com/jointheparty. Cut your wireless bill to 15 bucks a month at mintmobile.com/jointheparty. $45 upfront payment is required, equivalent to $15 a month. New customers on first three-month plan only. Speed is slower above 40 gigabytes on unlimited plan, additional taxes, fees and restrictions may apply. See Mint Mobile for details. And now, back to the show.
[theme]
Eric: Di is gonna do something now, lots of stuff has happened to her. She is going to go to the crow's nest. She's going to climb up the crow's nest.
Brandon (as Umbi): Not my super special secret circle.
Julia: Not the circle where Umbi gets to do his bombs.
Eric: How tall is a crow's nest, do you think?
Julia: Pretty fucking tall.
Brandon: Like 60 feet or something.
Julia: Yeah, like 60 feet.
Amanda: At least 30.
Eric: Shout out to a poster on RRPG. Shout out to tabletop RPG Reddit, at Actual Good Place, who's also running a pirate campaign in DND, who asked this question. Shout out to Sassy Night Cat.
Julia: Aw.
Amanda: Sassy Night Cat.
Eric: Sassy Night Cat.
Amanda: Just a little night cat.
Brandon: Sassy Night Cat.
Eric: Just a little night cat.
Amanda: Just a little night cat.
Eric: A little night cat. And also shout out to Dr. Calamity, who's been running a Pathfinder High Seas game. They said 80 to 120 feet tall for traditional, I'd say 60. This is important, because Di is a very well-trained individual, so her climbing speed is the same as her speed.
Julia: That's cool.
Eric: So she is going to dash again, which is going to give her the full 60 feet, which is going to get her to the top of the crow's nest.
Julia: Okay.
Brandon: Oh, Eric, I think it's 61 feet tall though, actually.
Eric: Shut up. Oh, she's really close to climbing this ladder. That's what the listeners want to hear. For all of you, if you were to climb up, it would take twice as long because climbing is twice as hard as running.
Julia: Yeah.
Amanda: Can I act—
Julia: But just as easy as flying.
Eric: Well, people seem to forget how powerful Cammie is on a regular basis, don't they? Don't they?
Julia: Uh-hmm.
Eric: Yes, y'all do some stuff.
Amanda: Troy is going to throw his arms out to the open wind and yell—
Amanda (as Troy): Friendship!
Amanda: And attempt to tether himself to Di with the friendship necklace.
Brandon: You're gonna shoot her in the butt?
Julia: Uh-hmm.
Eric: You're gonna shoot her in the— oh, right. So you're gonna shoot her in the butt?
Amanda: Yeah. Unbreakable bonds of friendship. Okay. The first attack was an 8. No. Okay. So that didn't work. Fuck.
Julia: Is Troy still within a 120 feet of—
Amanda: Yeah.
Julia: —her, though?
Eric: Yeah.
Julia: I'd like to use a bonus action to choose another target.
Eric: Oh, to do it again?
Julia: Yeah.
Eric: Hold on. Wait, wait, I have to resolve this first.
Julia: Yes, yes, yes.
Eric: So you're trying to use friendship, and you don't hit— and it doesn't hit.
Amanda: It doesn't hit, that's right.
Eric: Okay. I feel like— you fire. You try to bounce it— it bounces off the crow's nest. You try to bounce it off of your trick shot, the friendship arrow with the rope attached to it does not stab into your sister, so you guys are connected. But if only there were some magical change that maybe you could make that happen to again.
Julia: As a bonus action, I'd like that to happen.
Eric: Okay. There we go. Alright, so once again—
Julia: Another constitution saving throw.
Eric: Make another constitution save. You're puffing the chain up there. Alright.
Brandon: It's really comforting to Umbi to know that Troy's arrows only have eyes for Umbi's butt.
Julia: Yeah, that's true. When it comes to butts, only Umbi.
Amanda: Only the finest.
Brandon: Only the flattest.
Julia: Only Umbi will do. Cammie goes—
Julia (as Cammie): Have we considered that we're not good pirates?
Eric: That's another 19, folks.
Julia (as Cammie): Have we considered we're not good pirates?
Brandon (as Umbi): No, we haven't. Shut up, Cammie.
Eric: Just blowing that— those terrible steam chains away.
Amanda (as Troy): Please, please.
Eric (as Di): Ah, well, my greatest fear is— Troy, don't use my greatest fear against me, which is parrots.
Brandon: His fly speed is only 50 feet, Eric.
Eric: Oh, 50? Okay. He could still come close, if you want him to.
Amanda: Can I do my second attack?
Eric: Yeah, you can do it. You have one more attack still.
Amanda: Yeah. After the friendship necklace isn't working, and he yells, "Please." And she makes fun of him. Troy's gonna— just get another arrow and just fire a regular arrow at Di.
Brandon: Oh, no. For her butt?
Amanda: Yeah.
Julia: For her butt?
Eric: Let's see. Pythagor—
Brandon: Just sibling stuff.
Eric: What's your range on your crossbow?
Amanda: 100 feet.
Eric: Okay. Even with the Pythagorean theorem, that works.
Amanda: And long range is 400, but I do have a thing I could use when I needed to.
Eric: Got you, got you.
Amanda: [dice roll] Yeah, that's a 15 plus 4, a 19 to hit.
Eric: That's a hit.
Julia: Yes.
Amanda: Okay. Now, Troy is gonna use a limb shot.
Julia: Yeah.
Eric: Another one?
Amanda: Yep.
Julia: Yeah.
Amanda: So just gonna make a con saving throw, please.
Eric: Okay.
Amanda: Your DC is 15.
Julia: It's plus 2 to that, apparently.
Eric: Plus 2, need 13 to fail.
Julia: But if— you know, maybe she's rolled all of her 19s now.
Eric: That's a 10.
Amanda: Yes, yes. So I pictured the arrow, like, pinning her sleeve to the mast, if you'll allow me this poetic turn.
Eric: Sure.
Amanda: And it's the hand holding the dagger, and the dagger drops.
Eric: Drops. It does go through a little bit of her arm, though, because I assume you're rolling damage.
Amanda: Well, yeah.
Eric: Yeah. No, I like it.
Brandon: Got a little bit of skin, too. It's fine, it's fine.
Eric: Just a little bit of skin.
Amanda: A little bit of skin.
Eric: Just a little skin.
Amanda: Oh, well.
Julia: She kind of deserves it after all this bullshit.
Amanda: It's a 10.
Eric: It's a 10?
Julia: Ooh, that's a lot of skin.
Brandon: A lot of skin.
Eric: Yeah.
Julia: Goes through her hand.
Amanda: I've done her 18 points of damage in the last three turns.
Eric: Goes through her hand, I agree with Julia.
Julia: Troy goes, "I'm gonna do a non-lethal shot."
Amanda: Sorry! At least not the butt.
Julia: I feel like the butt would have been better.
Eric (as Di): I'm just gonna pick it up. You promise— Troy, Troy, if you're harboring Archimedes Sevens and the key with a gaze, you have to tell me right now.
Amanda (as Troy): I'm not, but I'm gonna.
Amanda: And then Troy uses this movement.
Eric (as Di): No, that's— Troy, that's the same.
Amanda: To walk across the deck to wherever it fell. He wants to stand over the dagger.
Eric: Okay. So she is in the crow's nest.
Amanda: Yep.
Eric: A crow's nest—
Julia: Pretty small.
Eric: —small, however enclosed.
Brandon: Hmm.
Julia: Not always.
Eric: Possibly, right?
Amanda: Possibly.
Julia: Sometimes it's just a platform at the top of the—
Eric: Okay. So that's why— yes, that's what I want to do. We have never— we have not established outside of Umbi's bomb testing site whi—
Julia: I can't imagine we put railings up for Umbi.
Eric: So I'm gonna roll to see if it falls down to you or not, because they— because it just falls at her feet, right?
Amanda: She drops it, that's right.
Eric: She drops it, which assuming it's right at her feet.
Brandon: That's fair. Yeah.
Eric: It is also a string being dagger, right?
Amanda: Right. It says the object lands at its feet.
Eric: Its feet. I— because she is at a crow's nest, I do not know if it falls or not. I'm gonna give it straight 50/50, okay?
Julia: I got you.
Eric: I want evens. Who wants to roll for it?
Brandon: Julia.
Eric: Evens, it stays with Di. Odds, it falls to y'all.
Julia: Well, it was almost a NAT 20.
Amanda: Would have been bad in this instance.
Brandon: What does almost a NAT 20 mean?
Julia: It was a 2.
Eric: Wait, who's rolling?
Julia: I rolled.
Brandon: Julia.
Julia: It was a 2.
Amanda: Oh.
Eric: That's staying with Di, baby. That's me. I took evens.
Julia: Yeah.
Eric: I'll still say it's open, but Di, she drops it. As her own brother, I cannot believe her own brother fired an arrow through her hand as she drops the dagger, and before it skitters away, she steps on it, and braces it against the crow's nest. Umbus.
Julia: It's Umbi's turn, baby.
Eric: It's Umbi's turn to do something.
Amanda: The Umbus.
Julia: Umbus.
Brandon: I would love to throw a laughing gas bomb up to the crow's nest.
Eric: Hmm. What is your range, my friend?
Brandon: For a long ranged bomb, it is 90 feet.
Eric: Long range.
Julia: Ooh.
Eric: Is it with disadvantage?
Brandon: Well—
Julia: What if Bartlett helps fly it and he gets—
Brandon: Oh, I guess because he's 50 feet, and then the—
Amanda: He gets up!
Brandon: —actual blast radius is 15 feet—
Amanda: Uh-hmm.
Brandon: —so that would actually work.
Julia: Oh, we can blow up Bartlett.
Brandon: Bartlett will be fine.
Amanda: Nice.
Eric: Okay. So, yeah, your range is regular 30 and longer 90, so if you throw it yourself, it would be with disadvantage. But if you want Bartlett—
Brandon: Nice.
Eric: —to throw it up there, Bartlett would bring it to you.
Brandon: Okay, cool. Umbi's gonna turn to his parrot friend, Bartlett, and say—
Brandon (as Umbi): Bartlett, plant the seed.
Brandon: And he's gonna hand the laughing gas bomb to Bartlett to have Bartlett fly it up 50 feet, is his fly speed, but the radius of the bomb is 15 feet, so it should hit Di.
Eric: Oh, okay. So you want to like— you want it to explode?
Brandon: Yeah.
Eric: Okay. With Bartlett in it?
Brandon: Yeah. Worst thing that'll happen is they'll fall prone and laugh. It's fine.
Julia: Imagine a parrot laughing.
Amanda: Incredible.
Julia: [squawks]
Eric: [squawks] Alright, laughing gas bomb. I love it.
Brandon: So, Eric, you have to throw a bomb save throw, which for me is 18.
Eric: Oh, Jesus Christ. And I gotta get constitution. I gotta get an 18?
Brandon: Correct. Yeah.
Eric: Goddamn. Alright, fine. But Bartlett better be doing it at the same time.
Brandon: Yeah, Bartlett's con is minus one.
Eric: Do we have to do damage first? You know what? I'm gonna let you auto hit this because you're just like, Bartlett— because the explosion point is Bartlett, right?
Julia: Yeah.
Eric: So it's like, you're not even throwing it. It's just exploding in Bartlett's claws.
Brandon: Okay, great.
Eric: Because, like—
Amanda: If you think you could just walk up to her and exploded in your hand, I don't think that would make you roll an attack roll.
Eric: Because, like, you're not throw— because the attack rolls are for throwing—
Brandon: Oh, it's like the aim?
Eric: —your ability to aim the bomb.
Brandon: Ah.
Julia: Ah.
Eric: And since Bartlett is letting it blow up on him, and he's also taking damage, that's part of it. So Bartlett takes all the damage, though.
Amanda: Eric, what's the damage for Seppuku?
Eric: Alright. Well, first, let's roll damage, because I want to see if— does Bartlett even survive this?
Brandon: Well, he has an armor class of 12, and he has one hit point.
Eric: Okay, Brandon.
Brandon: But—
Amanda: It's been nice. It's been nice.
Julia: Remember how upset everyone was when Nonny died, and we're just like, "Well, we're sacrificing the bird."
Eric: Oh, my God.
Brandon: Okay. But the bomb rules are for each creature other than the target within the blast radius, must make a DC 11 dex throw, taking half damage on a failed save or no damage on a successful one.
Julia: Oh, okay, so then have him roll.
Eric: Oh. Okay, yeah. So let's have Bartlett have a roll. I went— hold on, wait, but he— it's blowing up in Bartlett's claws. I'm gonna say he has to take disadvantage on avoiding it.
Brandon: Yeah, but he can also, like, toss the bomb up, you know, like, it's not like—
Eric: Can he?
Brandon: Yeah, he's a bird.
Eric: That's what I was gonna say.
Amanda: Chuck it with the little peetsies. Yeah.
Eric: He can go like this.
Brandon: I think the real target is, like, the air. Like there's no real target. I think everyone's just in the radius.
Eric: Alright, fine. Okay.
Brandon: You know?
Eric: No target. So then I— am I also get to avoid it?
Brandon: Yes.
Eric: Okay. So both Bartlett and Di are gonna have to make the dexterity saving throws.
Brandon: Yes. And it— it's not a bomb saving throw, I don't think.
Eric: It just says— yeah, it just says 11.
Brandon: Yeah. Okay. Yeah.
Eric: Okay. So here's what we're gonna do. We're gonna do the damage first, and then we're gonna do the laughing gas save, okay?
Brandon: Okay.
Eric: So we have to hit an 11 to see if Di and Bartlett take damage. Bartlett has— how much HP, Brandon?
Brandon: Uh, 1.
Eric: Okay, great. So we'll figure— we'll see how that go.
Brandon: He does have a plus two to dex, though, so here you go.
Eric: Okay, alright. [dice roll] I rolled a 5 plus 6 for an 11. I save.
Brandon: Okay, well, Bartlett did get a 17, so he also saves.
Eric: Okay, great. Bartlett doesn't die. Incredible.
Julia: Good for Bartlett.
Eric: Now, we are gonna both do on a different saving throw, we're gonna do the laughing gas stuff.
Julia: Uh-hmm.
Brandon: Right. So no—
Amanda: But this is what we care about.
Brandon: Yes, this is what we care about.
Julia: This is the one we care about.
Brandon: No damage, which is fine. I don't care about damaging her. But this one is a bomb saving throw, so you will have to succeed on an 18.
Eric: God. Constitution saving throw for both Bartlett and for Di. I want Bartlett to go first.
Julia: I'm sure it's not going to be good for Bartlett.
Brandon: Okay. So this is not going to be good for Bartlett. It's a minus one for con.
Amanda: Hey, you can always remake him.
Brandon: I have to roll a 19 or 20. [dice roll] That's a 2.
Eric: Okay, okay, okay.
Amanda: Yeah.
Eric: 16 or higher. [dice roll] That's a 14, my friends.
Brandon: Yes.
Amanda: Finally.
Brandon: So you fall prone in a fit of laughter.
Eric: No.
Brandon: Thems the breaks.
Eric: Oh, God.
Brandon: And so does Bartlett. Bartlett falls from the sky, hitting the deck.
Julia: Catch him.
Brandon: What's the fall damage for 15?
Julia: Catch him. Why are you even asking that? Just say you catch him.
Eric: Um, fall damage is 1 D6 per 10 feet.
Julia: He's gonna die. Just catch him.
Brandon: I catch him. I catch him. I catch him.
Julia: Cammie catches Bartlett.
Eric: Fine. You can catch Bartlett. You can catch Bartlett. It's fine.
Brandon: Eric, what does he sound like when he's laughing uncontrollably?
Eric: [laughs] Because birds can't do that. It's weird.
Brandon: That's pretty good.
Eric: In my head, Di has like a really weird laugh. Like she laughs like Gilbert Gottfried. She goes like— [laughs]
Julia: What do— I was gonna say, what does that sound like?
Brandon: I think also because, Eric, I have slow fall, my parrot also has slow fall. That would make sense.
Eric: No, absolutely not. You catch your parrot. I'll let you catch your parrot. It's fine.
Brandon: Okay, okay.
Eric: Alright. She's laughing uncontrollably [laughs] as she's praising herself, be like—
Eric (as Di): I'm resisting [laughs] worse than this. [laughs]
Amanda (as Troy): Harold, is there anything you can do? Sil?
Julia (as Cammie): Harold, go stretch and get it. Harold, please. We're also— we've tried so many things.
Amanda (as Troy): We need to restrain her and get that knife.
Brandon: I just want to say for the record, my first thought was to blow up the mast so she will fall down.
Amanda: Proud of you.
Julia: Brandon, I didn't fucking doubt that for a second. When you said something other than that, I was like, "Oh." Pleasantly surprised.
Amanda: So to be fair, I think we've tapped Sil, his energy. But Harold may have the ability to stretch and either grab the dagger or help restrain her.
Brandon: Deus Ex Harold. Deus Ex Harold.
Eric: Alright, she's prone. When she's prone, that means that she's— she might be prone to being held down.
Brandon: Good advantage on attack rolls, yeah.
Eric: Attack rolls. Okay. Di catches her breath and I think that— yeah, I like that Harold the moss, he's like—
Eric (as Harold): I am tired of someone monkeying around on my deck, running around, hope don't eat horsey shines and monkey shines and climbing up too fast, and this is too much.
Julia (as Cammie): You tell her. You tell her, Harold.
Brandon (as Umbi): Kill her.
Eric: And I think, like, Harold has always just been a part of the ship because Troy needed it to look super clean and nice before. Like both Harold and Sil had to, like, squelch themselves up and hide. And we haven't seen Harold before, because Sil is all— is having a tough time with it. But I think Harold as, like a hand is cli— or like wrapping around the ladder to the crow's nest and is climbing up to grab Di. I don't know if Harold has speed necessarily, because it's on him, who is the ship, to go up there, because it's prone. And I'm gonna see if Harold can do something.
Brandon: A real moss venom.
Amanda: Very cool.
Eric: Di rolls incredible. She rolled a 17, my friends.
Brandon: Jesus Christ.
Eric: I don't know what to say. Harold roll— and I'm doing these. I'm rolling all of these dies for all— these dies for all these people. As the moss hand is climbing up the— wrapping its way up, climbing up the crow's nest, like kudzu moss going for— a live kudzu moss, going for a little rabbit.
Amanda: Terrifying.
Eric: Di pulls herself— breathes hard and pulls herself together, and says—
Eric (as Di): Troy, I won't talk to you ever again if you take care of our— if you harbor Archimedes Sevens and the Key with a Gaze, I won't.
Amanda (as Troy): I'll never talk to you again if you leave right now without telling me why you're here, what that dagger is, and joining my side of this whole thing.
Brandon (as Umbi): Become a pirate. It's fun.
Eric (as Di): I can do two of those, and then I'm going.
Julia (as Cammie): Umbi, we have to stop telling Troy's friends to become pirates. I don't think any of them want to become pirates.
Eric: None of them like that.
Brandon (as Umbi): That's boring.
Eric (as Di): Troy, I'm here because I thought you had Archimedes Sevens and I was worried you were stupid enough to bring him on board. You're already aggravating too many people.
Amanda (as Troy): They can die aggravated, then.
Eric (as Di): Fine. That's one. Here's the second one.
Eric: As the moss hand Harold comes over the side of the crow's nest, like disembodied mossy hand climbs up and looms over Di. She grabs it, takes the dagger, and slices off the pinky.
Brandon (as Umbi): Hey.
Eric: And the pinky falls and shrivels up.
Brandon (as Umbi): What the fuck?
Eric (as Di): That's what this thing does.
Amanda (as Troy): That's Harold, and it kills stuff?
Eric (as Di): It kills things that shouldn't be alive, the Dilly Dagger.
Eric: Or the Haricut Verts. That one's for Brandon.
Brandon: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Eric (as Di): This is a engineered dagger held by the World Government, that turns things that shouldn't be alive unalive again.
Julia (as Cammie): What is the definition of shouldn't be alive?
Amanda (as Troy): Isn't that the whole path thing?
Brandon (as Umbi): Who's deciding that?
Eric: This is just an inventory description, guys. It's subjective by the person who wrote it.
Julia (as Cammie): We're asking her.
Amanda (as Troy): DiAnnalyse, why do you have this? That's too powerful.
Eric (as Di): I have it because if someone else had it, you'd be in a way worse situation.
Amanda (as Troy): Well, then, thank you. Can you leave it with us?
Eric (as Di): No.
Amanda (as Troy): Okay. I thought that might work.
Eric (as Di): And for the third one, I'm not joining your stupid pirate fantasy.
Amanda (as Troy): Then stay out of our way.
Eric (as Di): Fine.
Eric: And she falls backwards off of the crow's nest.
Brandon (as Umbi): What?
Julia (as Cammie): Okay. Well, feel like I wasted a lot of spells on her.
Eric: And then with barely a cut in the water, goes, "Pyoom," and disappears.
Brandon (as Umbi): Troy, I don't want to say anything positive about your sister.
Eric: In the background, Harold's going—
Eric (as Harold): Aaaah!
Julia (as Cammie): Harold, Harold, no.
Amanda (as Troy): Harold, I'm so sorry.
Julia: Cammie rushes over.
Amanda (as Troy): I'm so sorry. She's not my sister anymore, you are.
Brandon (as Umbi): Havana! Havana, reattach the limb.
Eric: I— Havana's climbing up the crow's nest, and it's really slow and nervous.
Eric (as Havana): Again, I'm not good at climbing. It's blowing in the wind. How do you hold on to this? I got it. I got it.
Eric: And you see all the way up there, Havana, like, sweeps the moss pinky into, like, a sterile bag.
Julia (as Cammie): Buddy.
Amanda (as Troy): I'm so sorry.
Eric (as Havana): It's— that's alright. It's— you know, we're pulling together. It's not— all in the day's work. You all get hit by stuff all the time, and usually, it's cannonballs for me, but— so, usually, I'm getting hit with balls all over the place, but this is different. You can't lose your sense of humor even if you lose your finger. Alright.
Julia (as Cammie): Yeah.
Eric (as Havana): Tough day for the ship boys.
Julia (as Cammie): Tough day for the ship boys.
Eric (as Havana): Tough day for the ship boys.
Julia (as Cammie): Maybe we'll take a little break for the ship boys, and then, you know, we can—
Eric: Yeah. Y'all want to look around for a second, to know if you're safe?
Julia (as Cammie): Yeah, sure.
Eric: Perception checks, folks.
Julia: [dice roll] What's my perception? 3, 15.
Amanda: 3 plus 1, that's 4.
Brandon: 23 for the old man.
Eric: Cool, alright.
Julia: Thank God for the old man.
Brandon: He takes out his opera glasses.
Eric: Brandon can go first. I— actually, this is interesting. Umbi, do you want to know kind of— Havana is coming down, would you like to look at the stuff in the medical bag or would you like to look around?
Brandon: I'd like to look around to see our environment.
Eric: Okay, you can look around. Alright. So this one's gonna go to Cammie.
Julia: Okay. I'm gonna take a look in the medical bag, because she did mention loose medical supplies earlier, and now I'm concerned.
Eric: Havana just doesn't like putting away his medical supplies.
Julia (as Cammie): Havana, you gotta be a little more organized.
Eric (as Havana): There's a lot going on. I have to be a doctor, and I have to put on— keep on this cool voice.
Julia (as Cammie): Get Dr. McSteamy back here, we need him.
Brandon (as Umbi): It's fine. He looks up— he takes after me. He looks up to me.
Eric (as Havana): Oh, God. Dr. Cammie, I think you might want to take a look at this.
Julia (as Cammie): Dr. Tropicana, I will do that.
Eric: Give me an Arcana Check, Julia, and then hold that for a moment. As Umbi is—
Julia: [dice roll]
Eric: He pulls out his opera glasses and looks around. You are safe. You're pretty far away, you are still within the range of the— of Mango Crossing. I think it is also turned to nightfall, and that is where you see the— feel the orange glow of all the lights. Everyone around, especially those who have been— maybe who has experience with Mango Crossing or at least has been to the convenience store, has turned their lights to a deep orange light. It's almost like there is a small bit of sunset holding throughout Mango Crossing, throughout the entire night.
Brandon: Hmm.
Julia: That sounds beautiful.
Eric: The convenience store has kind of like— you know, like the really heavy duty string lights, like the light bulbs that are in the cage. They turn on all of their lights, and it's just this deep, warm orange glow. You can also see a lot that's going on at Mango Crossing. There are a bunch of ships that have been pulled up to the beach, and there are little camps with little fires mirroring the orange glow of these light bulbs. Little fires that are dotting through the lower tiers of mango crossing and a little fire all the way at the top.
Julia: Beautiful.
Eric: You also notice that there is one ship that is coming towards Mango Crossing that doesn't have any lights on at all. In fact, I don't know if you've ever seen a ship that looks like someone stumbling around through the water.
Brandon: A drunk ship?
Eric: Oh, a drunken, shambling, stumbling ship. It's probably because the rudder is all rotted away. There is a zombie ship, either as a scout or is broken off from the rotten key's armada, is swirling and stumbling its way towards Mango Crossing.
Brandon (as Umbi): Uh, guys, zombie ship ho.
Eric: It is not coming towards you, but it is coming nearby.
Julia: Cammie goes—
Julia (as Cammie): Hold on, I'm doing surgery.
Eric: Cammie, give me an Arc— what was that Arcana check?
Julia: It was a 26.
Eric: 26? Oh, buddy, you can't reattach this thing. Smells bad. Smells bad. Smells like something that's been in the fridge too long.
Julia: Smells like rot.
Eric: Smells like rot.
Julia: Hmm.
Eric: There's like a hidden line in the inventory box that gets revealed if you attack something that's alive with this thing, it does bonus necrotic damage.
Brandon: Ooh.
Eric: Troy, you, um— how— how's it going for old Troy here?
Amanda: Troy's embarrassed. He is really ashamed that his sister damaged his crewmate, and I don't think he's used to many people saying no to him, but especially his younger sibling, who, last he saw her, was like hanging off his arms, playing, you know— as if monkey bars, before he went to training to become a guard.
Eric: Yeah. What was, like, the timeline for, you know, guard and then disappearing?
Amanda: I think it was about six months in guards and about two years disappeared when the campaign started.
Eric: Yeah. That feels about right. The little sister to agent of the World Government pipeline.
Amanda: Uh-hmm.
Eric: Alright, folks, what do you want to do?
Julia: Hmm.
Eric: Options are you want to go— if you want to go get Archimedes Sevens and the Key with a Gaze somewhere on Mango Crossing, according to Yar, what the Key with the Gaze said.
Brandon: Hmm.
Julia: Uh-hmm.
Eric: You could go— you are within a close-ish sale to Book Depository Island and Lake Encounter, if that is something you want to do. Or you could always, like, I don't know, hang out, start a tavern.
Julia: I think we should do that.
Brandon: Oh, a floating tavern. That'd be fun.
Eric: Like a microbrew sort of thing with— attached— in the last convenience store you'll ever need before you go to Mango Crossing?
Amanda: Yeah.
Julia: Tea-infused beer.
Amanda: Yeah.
Brandon: If you salt water, ferment it, and then it turns into a Goza because it's already salty.
Amanda: And when people are hungry, we can, like, get them chips from next door, but add a extra doubloom, because we open them and then put them on, like a little plate.
Brandon: Yes.
Julia: Uh-hmm.
Brandon: Yes. So, Eric, we want to open a tavern.
Eric: Okay, great. Alright, let me look up a bunch of different mechanics. Hold on.
Brandon: Cammie, do you want to see if you can talk to Archie or the key and see where they are?
Julia: Yeah. I might as well send a sending and see if they can give us a better idea of where they are on Mango Crossing.
Eric: Hmm.
Brandon: Uh-hmm.
Amanda: Yeah, if we can pick them up somewhere and then get the fuck out of here, that would be great.
Julia: Yeah.
Brandon: That'd be great.
Eric: Cammie, as you're about to send this message, there is a swell upwards, and as the ship goes like on a 30-degree angle.
Brandon: Weee.
Amanda (as Troy): That wasn't me.
Eric: And then you see [explosion] as a gradient claw comes out of the water and just breaks the front off of the zombie ship.
Brandon (as Umbi): Whoa.
Eric: And then you see [explosion] as a spiked— a giant spiked shell, the same green, yellow and red gradient of a mango peel, but with cool Bowser-esque spikes on it.
Amanda: Yeah.
Eric: Just kind of— then just, like, breaks through the zombie ship and scuttles the whole thing.
Brandon (as Umbi): Holy shit.
Julia (as Cammie): Now, Troy—
Amanda (as Troy): Yeah?
Julia (as Cammie): —do you remember when I said there were gonna be puppies here and you can't pet them, because then the mama gets mad?
Amanda (as Troy): That's the mom?
Julia (as Cammie): That's the mom.
Amanda (as Troy): Yep.
Eric: I didn't get a chance to say this before, but I think that the size of the tortango babies, I said, was like the size of a small dog.
Julia: Uh-hmm.
Eric: I think they're about this— maybe like the size of Moo Deng, the sweet hippo baby.
Julia: Moo Deng.
Amanda: Sweet Moo Deng.
Eric: Because I was hoping— I was thinking that, like, they'd be the size of, like, corgis, and I think that's the size of Moo Deng.
Amanda: At the moment.
Julia: I think you're correct.
Eric: Yeah, yeah.
Brandon: Uh-hmm.
Amanda: By the time this episode comes out, she might be, you know, a little more adolescent.
Brandon: Right.
Eric: That's true. In mid-September, size of Moo Deng.
Amanda (as Troy): So, yeah, I will not be petting any pumpies or puppies of any kind.
Julia (as Cammie): That's for the best. Yeah.
Brandon (as Umbi): You can pet your own pumpy, it's fine.
Julia (as Cammie): I don't think that the mama cares about your pumpy.
Amanda (as Troy): Yeah, I just— I feel like I'm not fit to be anyone's dad, so I think I will not be petting anybody.
Julia (as Cammie): Troy, don't say that.
Brandon (as Umbi): That's not— a dad—
Julia (as Cammie): You're an excellent father to your pumpy.
Brandon (as Umbi): The excellent dads— dad even when they don't feel like being dads. That's what part of being a dad is. You gotta pet your pumpy.
Julia (as Cammie): Yeah.
Amanda (as Troy): Oh, shit.
Julia (as Cammie): The pumpy needs love, even when you're not loving yourself.
Brandon (as Umbi): Yeah.
Amanda: Troy's weeping silently, giving the pumpy little pets and little kisses.
Julia (as Cammie): Okay.
Brandon: And what is the dog, Eric, doing?
Eric: The pumpy's like—
Eric (as Pumpy): Nice, nice, nice. Pets, pets, pets. Nice, nice, nice, nice.
Julia: Pets, pets, pets, pets.
Eric (as Pumpy): Nice, nice. Kisses, kisses. Nice, nice, nice.
Amanda (as Troy): So I very badly want to defy my sister's wishes, rescue Archimedes, get the key, and then go back to prison.
Julia (as Cammie): But not to stay there, to go do the things that we're gonna do.
Amanda (as Troy): Not for the prison, but just because that's where the secret is.
Julia (as Cammie): Yeah.
Brandon (as Umbi): Yeah. I'm not leaving my best pal Archie out on the cold.
Amanda (as Troy): Nah.
Julia (as Cammie): And I like the Gey with a Gaze.
Brandon (as Umbi): He seems chill to me. I don't know what's up with Di.
Julia (as Cammie): He's pretty cool. He had a lot of stories.
Brandon (as Umbi): Yeah.
Eric: Yar.
Julia (as Cammie): Yar.
Brandon (as Umbi): What? Is it here?
Eric: No, it's just on the wind. Someone said yar.
Julia: Okay. Can I sending now?
Eric: Yes, you can send a message.
Julia: Okay, cool. So I think it is going to be—
Julia (as Cammie): Dear Key.
Eric: Good start.
Julia: Let me do the full title. It's a lot of letters.
Eric: Yeah, good start.
Amanda: You have to save it for I love you. Yeah.
Julia: Yes.
Julia (as Cammie): Here at Mango Crossing.
Eric: Uh-hmm.
Julia (as Cammie): Where are you at? If you get close to water, we can pick you up. Sound good? Love you. Cammie.
Amanda: Yeah.
Eric: Yeah. What is the— what does this look like again?
Julia: Oh, I don't— I don't know if we've ever described it before. I think it's just— it's a very sweet voicemail that pops into their brain.
Eric: Oh, sure.
Amanda: They smell a little bit of tea before they get the premonition.
Brandon: Ooh.
Julia: Yeah, there's a little chamomile.
Brandon: Ooh.
Julia: The scent of chamomile, and then their brain fills with Cammie's voice.
Eric: There's like— yeah. This is like a literary device Jane Eyre would do.
Julia: Yeah.
Eric: It's like, "I smell this tea, and I think of something that someone said to me."
Amanda: Yes.
Eric: But it's only in 25 words or less.
Julia: Yeah.
Brandon: It's a very short novel this one.
Eric: Yeah, she was— she played— Jane Eyre played Warhammer 40K.
Julia: Yeah, for sure.
Amanda: Honestly, feels like she'd be into it.
Eric: Yeah.
Julia: She would be.
Eric: Yeah. All the Brontes are really into these games.
Julia: Different ones, though.
Eric: Yeah, yeah. Yeah, that's— they can't play with each other. That's why they were so upset.
Julia: Yeah.
Brandon: I feel like we're stalling for the Key for a Gaze this time.
Eric: I was just really enjoying this kind of riff I was doing, but I guess I'll go back to the game. So while you— so you can make your microbrewery, Brandon.
Brandon (as Umbi): It's flavored with seaweed.
Eric (as Key with a Gaze): Yar lass. Appreciates you following through upon ye things ye had said.
Brandon: Jesus Christ.
Julia: Uh-huh.
Eric: That's 12.
Brandon: If he wastes all the letters— all the words, I'm gonna explode.
Eric (as Key with a Gaze): We're up at the top, sneak by. Don't get caught. Be nice ghost.
Julia: Be nice to the ghost. Okay, cool, cool. Sure, sure.
Brandon (as Umbi): Ghost?!
Brandon: I can't hear this.
Julia: Cammie goes—
Julia (as Cammie): There's a ghost.
Brandon (as Umbi): A ghost?!
Julia (as Cammie): I love a ghost.
Eric (as Gloria): A gho-gho-gho-ghost?
Brandon (as Umbi): A gho-gho-gho-ghost?
Eric (as Gloria): A gho-gho-gho-ghost? A gho-gho-gho-ghost?
Julia (as Cammie): Gloria, have you ever run into ghosts before?
Eric (as Gloria): Oh, of course.
Julia (as Cammie): Tell me about that. Say more about that right now.
Eric (as Gloria): On my times, you know, as thing— things were strange in South Kompos City. You'd see things that you didn't know were there and then there were things—
Brandon (as Umbi): Fucking lichenthropes and ghosts? Jesus Christ.
Eric (as Gloria): There are ghouls and goblins and—
Julia (as Cammie): Goblins?
Brandon (as Umbi): Gorblins?
Julia (as Cammie): What's a goblin look like?
Brandon (as Umbi): What about dragon fruits? Were they there?
Julia (as Cammie): I picture they're made of apples, but I don't know why.
Brandon: I thought dragon fruits were a myth, but— so I also thought that ghosts were a myth, so you tell me.
Eric (as Gloria): There was a God— there's Sasquatch, Godzilla, King Kong, Loch Ness, goblin, ghoul.
Amanda: Oh, my God.
Brandon (as Umbi): Holy shit.
Eric (as Gloria): A zombie with no conscience.
Julia (as Cammie): A zombie with no conscience?
Eric (as Gloria): Question, one of these things will have in common. Everybody knows I'm a motherfucking monster. South Kompos City is strange.
Amanda: Podcast is over.
Brandon (as Umbi): Gloria's mixtape is hot fire.
Julia: We have to end now.
Eric (as Gloria): The thing— I need— when you saw something strange, you have one of—
Julia (as Cammie): In the neighborhood?
Eric (as Gloria): Shut up. You have one of two options. You could either be nice to it or you could pretend it wasn't there. You saw it, either, no, you didn't, or thank you for coming.
Julia (as Cammie): Be polite. That's how I go through all of life, is I be polite to everyone.
Eric (as Gloria): It's a good rule.
Julia (as Cammie): Except for Lucky Edie, 'cause fuck her.
Eric (as Gloria): I've— you had a falling out, a friend— a lover of yours?
Julia (as Cammie): No. Never.
Amanda (as Troy): Oh.
Eric (as Gloria): It's really good to just be nice to people and creatures like we did with that dragon and now, they help us.
Julia (as Cammie): Yeah.
Eric (as Gloria): No. Oh, child, dragon fruits are a myth.
Julia (as Cammie): Don't tell her. Don't tell her.
Brandon (as Umbi): What about blackberry dragons? I've seen one.
Eric (as Gloria): You saw a black dragon fruit?
Amanda (as Troy): Okay.
Julia (as Cammie): Blackberry dragon, a dragon who's a blackberry.
Eric (as Gloria): You saw a berry dragon fruit?
Brandon (as Umbi): We gotta get back to ghosts. What are we doing?
Amanda (as Troy): So—
Julia (as Cammie): We have to be polite to the ghost or ignore them.
Amanda (as Troy): That seems really easy. That seems easy to me. Do we want to nap or just start?
Brandon (as Umbi): We should just start, but what if we do if the ghost is, like, really rude to us?
Julia (as Cammie): I always want to nap.
Amanda (as Troy): Then be like, "Haha. Ghosts are so funny. You want to be my friend?"
Eric (as Gloria): That's the thing, it's their right to be rude to you.
Brandon (as Umbi): Why?
Eric (as Gloria): They've been— this is their second go around. That's what they've earned.
Brandon (as Umbi): Are you saying that elders need to be respected regardless of their qualities? Because I am all for that.
Eric (as Gloria): Umbi, you've hung onto this mortal coil for too long. You gotta go to the next go around.
Brandon (as Umbi): Oh, maybe I think I know this ghost if I meet him.
Julia (as Cammie): Umbi—
Eric (as Gloria): Possibly.
Julia (as Cammie): —I gotta be honest with you. Um, Nonny and I were talking, and she keeps seeing something hovering over your right shoulder.
Eric: Nonny lifts a tentacle and goes—
Eric (as Nonny): [Nonny sounds]
Julia (as Cammie): She's seeing it right now.
Brandon (as Umbi): That's Bartlett.
Amanda (as Troy): Bartlett?
Julia (as Cammie): No.
Eric (as Bartlett): I'm here. Death is all around us.
Julia (as Cammie): Why is Bartlett is saying that?
Eric (as Bartlett): [squawks]
Brandon (as Umbi): 'Cause he's my parrot.
Julia (as Cammie): Anyway, I mean, I want to take a nap.
Julia: And Julia wants to take a nap to see how that resolves, but—
Eric: So, yeah, you can— so you got— y'all are still pretty far away. You're kind of, like, are on the outskirts of Mango Crossing. This is kind of like the respect area where you start putting your orange lights on that the—
Julia: Uh-hmm.
Eric: —mother tortango—
Amanda: Hmm.
Julia: The no wake zone.
Eric: Yeah. Yes, exactly.
Brandon: Hmm.
Eric: Do not— you will hit a manatee or a mother tortango, and you will have a bad time, if you are on your jet ski.
Julia: We can't hit a manatee, I'll cry.
Eric: So you're not—
Julia: I literally just got a little emotional thinking about that. I'm not okay.
Amanda: Shh, shh, shh. It's okay. It's okay.
Eric: Someone asked us in an Afterparty, like, what abilities we would all have depending on what state we're from? And Julia's from being Long Island as she cries when thinking about hurt marine life.
Julia: It's okay.
Amanda: It's okay.
Julia: They're okay.
Eric: So, yeah, you're not like at Mango— you're still, like, on the outskirts of Mango Crossing, so you can come in and then we'll— I'll tell you what's up, if you want to start doing that.
Brandon (as Umbi): Yeah, let's do it.
Julia: Yeah, let's do it.
Amanda: Full steam ahead.
Eric: Okay, cool.
Brandon (as Umbi): Full steam ahead. Ho.
Eric: Alright.
Brandon (as Umbi): Wait, we got steam? Oh, Cammie steam, I get it.
Julia (as Cammie): Yeah.
Amanda (as Troy): Yeah. Umbi, that's her whole thing.
Eric: We've been steam punked the whole time because Cammie is there.
Julia (as Cammie): I'm steam and also a punk.
Brandon: Jesus Christ.
Eric: Alright. So here's the first thing, you can pull the ship around and pull up to Mango Crossing. Full location, you can fast travel here later on, okay?
Brandon: Ooh.
Julia: Is there potentially another place on the island that isn't like the main like, "Welcome to Mango Crossing" docks area?
Eric: Great question.
Julia: Could we potentially use Troy's favorite skill, the Mariner feet?
Amanda (as Troy): I'm a mariner, that's right.
Eric: Because you're a mariner, Troy, you can pull up in one of two places. So you can pull up on the beach, kind of away from where you see a lot of these fires. The issue with that is there are a lot of tortango babies hanging out here. They're making their slow crawl to the beach. Here's the funny thing, there's a whole thing with turtles. This is true that, like, turtles have, like, kajillions of eggs, and they all hatch, and then they have to go on, like, climb the aggro Crag—
Julia: Yeah.
Eric: —in order to survive and not get eaten. But here's the thing, with tortangos, they're massive, so they take their sweet time.
Julia: Because who's gonna eat them? No one.
Eric: Who's gonna eat them? Especially because their mom's hanging out nearby. Who's gonna eat them, right? So they take their sweet time and lay out on the beach like big, old elephant seals, right?
Amanda: Uh-hmm.
Eric: So there's a ton of them kind of laid out all over the beach. You can pull up there, there's a spot without hitting them. You could definitely pull up and, like, walk your way up the beach. Or you can pull up in another place, which is kind of like more of an Iraqi outcropping that kind of hues towards the, you know, cake tier shape of Mango Crossing. You'd have to kind of, like, sneak your way up there, and it would be pretty dangerous, and you got to keep your footing and everything as, like, you're kind of like pushing yourself up against, it's like rocky cliff that's going up there. Also, it is pushed up against one of the shelves where the Key Retrieval Force has— kind of, like, the base camp of the Key Retrieval Force.
Julia: Uh-hmm.
Eric: So you have two options here, you can either pull up on the beach where lots of tortango babies are, or you can pull up nearby, they won't see the ship, but you will have to, like, get past the main base camp of the Key Retrieval Force that's here trying— at Mango Crossing.
Julia: Well, the Key with a Gaze did say, "Sneak up," so—
Brandon: Yeah. I think like Frodo and Sam before us, Eric. We gotta climb this cake Mount Doom.
Eric: Those are your friends, Frodo and Sam?
Brandon: God, I wish, man.
Amanda: Yeah. I vote rocky outcropping.
Julia: Cool.
Brandon: The fellowship of the key.
Amanda: Hey.
Julia: So, hmm, what I can do is I can have two— actually, how bad do I want to use that spell? Do we all just want to fly? Cammie goes—
Julia (as Cammie): Do we all just want to fly?
Amanda (as Troy): Yeah.
Brandon (as Umbi): I mean, that'd be tight.
Julia (as Cammie): Cool.
Brandon (as Umbi): Is that a possibility?
Julia (as Cammie): Yeah.
Brandon (as Umbi): I could also, like— if we're just worried about the DK crew, I can get, like, a fucking stealth game. I can get Bartlett to do a little mimic and say, like, "I'm a pretty lady over here."
Julia (as Cammie): A distraction.
Eric: You are literally Assassin's Creed-ing me right now.
Brandon: But wait, Eric, can I do like I'm a—
Julia: Are you Star Wars-ing us?
Brandon: I'm a pretty little lady, come see me, and all the— all they come over and they look, and then they get into 110-foot radius. And then I use a sandstone solution, which turns that area into a rock, and they're stuck in the rock.
Amanda: Sounds great. No notes.
Julia: Fucking go for it, man. Fucking go for it.
Brandon (as Umbi): What do you think? I think that's pretty good.
Eric: Yeah, make sure to flick a coin so people were like, "Huh?" And walk over. Okay. Yeah, so you— okay. Cool, cool.
Julia: We do that.
Amanda: We do that.
Julia: I'm not wasting more spell slots, we do that.
Eric: You do that?
Amanda: We do that.
Eric: You do that?
Amanda: Yeah.
Eric: Okay, cool.
Brandon: Bartlett does his best impression of the Ladies of the Night from the Assassin's Creed game.
Amanda: Which is simply, again, a voice box with Brandon's best impression of a working lady.
Julia: Cammie, like, provides some voiceover for Bartlett to mimic and goes—
Julia (as Cammie): Working nine to five, what a way to make a livin'.
Julia: Or rather—
Julia (as Cammie): Working nine to five, I'm definitely not a parrot.
Eric: Okay. Alright, so here's— I wanna— let— can I narrate what happens here for a moment?
Brandon: Please do.
Eric: Alright. So Troy, you could pull the ship up, you throw the anchor down. The orange glow kind of washed over everything. Who's coming— is anyone else coming with you? Just the three of you?
Julia: Well, you should probably bring Havana, right?
Brandon: Yeah.
Julia: We don't have to.
Brandon: I mean, as long as you want to slow us down. You tell me, Eric.
Eric: I— that's— you know Havana Tropicana. This is up to you.
Julia: Yeah. Alright. So we leave Havana on the ship.
Amanda: We're gonna leave Havana on the ship with Harold and Sil since they're both, you know, semi out of commission. The pumpy and I'd love for Gloria to stay on the ship to actually defend it.
Julia: Yes.
Eric: Hmm. Alright.
Julia: We give Gloria a pep talk, being like—
Julia (as Cammie): Gloria, you have our permission to maim anyone who tries to get on the ship that seems like they mean to do harm.
Amanda (as Troy): Yeah. And if you need us, just scream as much as you can and just kind of put a match somewhere near Umbi's room, and there should be a big explosion, and that'll tell us we need to come back.
Julia: Does Umbi have fireworks on the ship that they can just like, "Yeah, yeah."?
Amanda (as Troy): Okay. Actually, what I'm getting from Umbi's face and body is that you should use a flash, a flare, so here it is.
Eric (as Gloria): I can— I'll repair the methane break that's in the ship. I'll do that.
Julia (as Cammie): What?
Amanda (as Troy): Oh, thanks.
Eric (as Gloria): I smelt it. It's alright. Alright. Hold on, here we go.
Brandon (as Umbi): Thanks, bud. I've been trying—
Eric (as Gloria): Alright.
Amanda (as Troy): Thanks, Gloria.
Brandon (as Umbi): I've been meaning to fix that.
Eric: Alright. So sploosh, sploosh, Sploosh. Three of you walk up. There is a scouting crew of three guards holding torches— they're not torches, like flashlights. Like British flashlights, they're real torches.
Amanda: Yeah, we're American.
Eric: I know, but just so everyone knows.
Brandon: What do I look like, a BBC?
Eric: And they're wa— they're coming around and they're walking on the beach. They're like—
Eric (as Guard 1): If I saw Kidd Cervantes, I'd punch him right in the teeth.
Eric (as Guard 2): Uh, dude, I don't want to make you look like such a fucking idiot right now, but he doesn't have any teeth.
Eric (as Guard 1): It's a metaphor, dingus. You know what I meant.
Eric (as Guard 3): If I could just point out, it really— if we're gonna have a conversation about the power levels of relative pirates we see everywhere, we might as— we be anatomically correct.
Eric (as Guard 2): Oh, shut up.
Eric (as Guard 1): No, you shut up.
Eric (as Guard 2): Shut up, shut up.
Julia: It's rude that you're making fun of me specifically with that last voice, but—
Eric: Julia, I didn't give any of the qualities. If you see a thing of yourself in a funny joke I made.
Julia: That was the joke, man.
Eric: Oh okay.
Amanda: I really— Eric, I thought you were gonna say, "I didn't give any of them an Italian accent." What is this, Lake town City?
Eric: Oh, my God. And that's when they hear from around the corner, from the beach.
Julia (as Bartlett): Working nine to five, I'm definitely not a parrot.
Eric (as Guard 1): Who— hey, who is that?
Brandon: You hear—
Brandon (as Bartlett): Squawk. Hey, boys.
Eric: Alright. Who is doing this? Is it Julia or is it Brandon? I need to know for—
Julia: It should be Brandon.
Amanda: Brandon.
Julia: Brandon.
Amanda: Brandon.
Eric: I need to know this. Okay, Brandon, you're doing this.
Brandon: Sure.
Julia: I think it opens with that—
Eric: Okay.
Julia: And then he starts responding.
Eric (as Guard 2): Uh, ma'am, what— state— what is your purpose here?
Brandon (as Bartlett): Help my ship crashed and all— and my dress is stuck in this rock. I can't get it off.
Julia: Can't get the dress off? Can't get the rock off? What are we talking about here?
Brandon (as Bartlett): I— in order to get away, I must take my dress off.
Eric (as Guard 3): Uh, ma'am, uh, just so I know before I come in there, um, your dress is off and it was in your shipwreck.
Brandon (as Bartlett): Yes. I'm a weak woman. Please help.
Julia: Umbi, no.
Eric (as Guard 1): She's a weak woman, guys. Let's go. We gotta help her fast, and maybe we'll see some of her lady parts.
Brandon (as Bartlett): My ankles are showing.
Eric (as Guard 1): Her ankles.
Amanda: Just like a bulbous little root.
Eric (as Guard 3): Hey, hold on a sec. Hey, hold on a second. What kind of thing did your ship run into that made your dress rip off? Because I've studied all— everything of the— in the ship destroyed. I've read everything in the ship destroying books and I've never heard of people getting denuded.
Brandon (as Bartlett): Squawk. Have you ever heard of rocks, sir?
Eric (as Guard 3): Well, only in books, I guess.
Brandon: Are they within a 10-foot radius of each other now?
Eric: I'm gonna roll right now. I'm gonna roll to see how well this is effective, because I don't know if you could tell, one of them wants to see some lady parts.
Julia: Hmm.
Eric: Including the ankles, maybe a thigh.
Brandon: Ooh.
Julia: A thigh?
Eric: [dice roll]
Julia: The meatiest part of the body.
Brandon: Oh, fuck, I should have just been a mermaid. What am I doing?
Julia: Oh, well, what can you do? No, because the scientific nerdy Julia one would have been like, "Mermaids aren't real."
Brandon: That's true, yeah.
Amanda: No one said this was Julia except Julia.
Eric: No one said it was Julia.
Julia: And making it—
Amanda: And yet I still feel like Eric's making fun of you, and he's not. And yet I'm still like, "Ooh."
Eric: Okay, Brandon, I rolled something.
Brandon: Okay.
Eric: And, well, I want you to do a charisma check, I'll give you advantage. That was really good. And what would this be, deception?
Julia: Yeah.
Amanda: Really?
Eric: Deception.
Brandon: Yeah.
Eric: I think it would be deception. I'll give you advantage. I rolled a 13.
Brandon: Okay.
Eric: If you beat me by one, you get one of them. If you beat me by three, you get two of them. And if you beat me by five, you get all of them.
Brandon: So I gotta hit an 18?
Eric: 18 or more to get every single one of them.
Brandon: It's only a plus 2.
Eric: Okay, great.
Julia: You got this.
Brandon: First one, an 8.
Julia: Okay.
Brandon: Second one, a 17 plus 2 for a 19, motherfucker.
Julia: Yeah, Brandon! Yeah!
Eric: Incredible.
Amanda: That's the stuff.
Brandon (as Bartlett): I'm so helpless. Come towards me.
Eric (as Guard 3): Oh, well, we obviously have to help her.
Eric (as Guard 2): Oh, of course, we're gonna help her. I'm gonna help her first.
Eric (as Guard 1): Guys, I am the leader of this crew, so I'm gonna help her first, and I'm gonna see that thigh.
Amanda: Nice.
Julia: That one's also me, because I also want to see the lady's thighs.
Amanda: Exactly.
Julia: Yeah.
Eric: They were Alvin and the Chipmunks in my head.
Julia: Oh.
Amanda: Oh.
Eric: But bad—
Julia: Hmm.
Eric: But bad guys.
Brandon: And as soon as they come together.
Eric: Yeah, they run— they, like, run around the corner.
Brandon: And they step on the sand, and they are tightly packed together. Umbi is going to underhand, like an underhand free throw, grandma style, just chuck this potion called sandstone solution, and hit it right at their feet.
Eric: Alright. So what do you happen here, or what happens?
Brandon: So when poured into sand—
Eric: Okay.
Brandon: —a 10-foot deep, 10 foot radius region of the material become solid stone for one hour. The stone has AC 17, 75 hit points, and immunity to psychic and poison damage. Any creature inside it, when it becomes stone must make a 14 dex saving throw or be restrained. And if they are restrained, they can break free by succeeding on a DC 20 Strength check or by dealing 25 damage to the stone.
Eric: Got it.
Julia: DC 20.
Eric: Got it. Alright. The sand turns to stone at their feet, and they are locked in.
Brandon: Eric, it's 10 foot deep, they are covered in stone.
Julia: So you're going to kill these men?
Eric: Wait, they are covered? Explain to me again.
Brandon: It is a 10-foot deep, 10-foot radius region of the material.
Eric: Oh, 10-foot deep.
Brandon: They fall into the sand—
Eric: They fall into the sand.
Brandon: —and become stone.
Eric: Being like, "Aaahh!"
Amanda: Yeah, but they died thinking of thighs, so—
Julia: That's one way to go.
Amanda: —it's not that bad.
Eric: I just love that all of a sudden they come around, their tongues lolling out of their mouths, and they just, like, fall 10 feet down and then get encased in stone.
Brandon: Yep.
Amanda: I hope that I die as I live thinking of thighs.
Brandon: So this is only true, though, if they make— if they fail on a 14 dex saving throw.
Amanda: Okay.
Brandon: [dice roll]
Eric: Yeah, that's a 3. You're fine.
Julia: Yeah.
Brandon: Yeah!
Julia: We did it. Gang, it's all coming up us now.
Brandon: So I'm sort of imagining there's like a bubble in the stone, because they can break free by succeeding on a DC 20 Strength check or dealing 25 damage.
Amanda: Okay.
Eric: And like in capsule. There's like— they're inside of this square of stone, yeah.
Brandon: Yeah, exactly.
Eric: I love that. Okay, cool. So, yeah, this— the current guard rotation walking around the island is away, so you're safe.
Brandon: Great.
Julia (as Cammie): Good shenanigans, Umbi.
Brandon: Bartlett says—
Brandon (as Bartlett): Squawk. That's feminism.
Julia (as Cammie): Yeah.
Amanda: I'm glad he didn't die earlier.
Julia: Alright. We're gonna sneak our way up, I guess.
Brandon: Yeah.
Eric: Cool. Alright.
Brandon: Let's go to the top of that cake.
Amanda: Let's fly, baby.
Julia: Cake, cake, cake.
Eric: As you hear the distinct voices of all three guards who get sunk in this stone prison forever, you start to sneak up the rocky outcropping.
Eric (as Guard 1): I really wanted to see the thighs.
Eric (as Guard 2): What do you mean is the— what do you mean the lady is in here?
Eric (as Guard 3): No.
Eric (as Guard 1): No.
[theme]