Can the final grudge match end with any resolution? Or will a higher power scuttle all possible conclusions? Why do we care about the problems of Greenfolk when the Salmon is RIGHT OVER THERE?!?!
Outrunning the horrors wouldn't do us any harm / And we'll all hang on behind.
Housekeeping
- LIVE IN PORTLAND, March 23! Get your tickets at jointhepartypod.com/live
- RSVP for our Campaign 3 drinks pop-up at jointhepartypod.com/popup
- JTP’s upcoming episode schedule:
— January 28: Last episode of Campaign 3
— February 4: Afterparty Pt. 1 (our reflections)
— February 11: Afterparty Pt. 2 (submit your questions!)
— February 18: One-Shot Derby begins
Sponsors
- JTP x Dispel Plant Pirate Dice. Get yours today at jointhepartypod.com/dice
- The DD&D podcast, which you can find here or in your podcast app
Find Us Online
- website: jointhepartypod.com
- patreon: patreon.com/jointhepartypod
- instagram: instagram.com/jointhepartypod
- bluesky: bsky.app/profile/jointhepartypod.com
- twitter: twitter.com/jointhepartypod
- tumblr: jointhepartypod.tumblr.com
- facebook: facebook.com/jointhepartypod
- merch & music: jointhepartypod.com/merch
Cast & Crew
- Game Master, Co-Producer: Eric Silver
- Co-Host (Umbi), Co-Producer, Sound Designer, Composer: Brandon Grugle
- Co-Host (Chamomile Cassis), Co-Producer: Julia Schifini
- Co-Host (Troy Riptide), Co-Producer: Amanda McLoughlin
- Theme Song: Lyrics by Eric Silver, music by Brandon Grugle. Vocals by Brandon Grugle, Lauren Shippen, Julia Schifini, Roux Bedrosian, Eric Silver, Tyler Silver, and Amanda McLoughlin. Available for purchase here.
- Artwork: Allyson Wakeman
- Multitude Podcasts: https://multitude.productions
About Us
Join the Party is an actual play podcast with tangible worlds, genre-pushing storytelling, and collaborators who make each other laugh each week. We welcome everyone to the table, from longtime players to folks who’ve never touched a roleplaying game before. Hop into our current campaign, a pirate story set in a world of plant- and bug-folk, or marathon our completed stories with the Camp-Paign, a MOTW game set in a weird summer camp, Campaign 2 for a modern superhero game, and Campaign 1 for a high fantasy story. And once a month we release the Afterparty, where we answer your questions about the show and how we play the game. New episodes every Tuesday.
Transcript
Amanda: Hello, everybody. It's Amanda, and I have three important updates. One is for all listeners of Join the Party. The second update is for everyone in Portland and the Pacific Northwest, and the third is for people who live in the New York City metro area. Okay? First update, the schedule for the rest of the campaign. So this, episode 67, is our second to last episode. Next week, episode 68 is the finale. After episode 68, we are going to have two weeks of Afterparties. In part one, the cast is going to reflect on the campaign, our memories, the things we're excited about, things we missed, theories that we have about the world. And then part two is going to be a gigantic Afterparty answering all of your questions, so get your Afterparty questions in now. If there's anything you wanted to ask about Campaign 3, now is your moment. Send them to us on social, comment at patreon.com/jointhepartypod, or hit us up on Discord. After part two of the Campaign 3 Afterparty, we are going to have another One Shot Derby. What that means, if you weren't around for the last one, is that we'll be playing the character creation sessions of three different RPGs, and then let you, the public, Join the Party listeners vote on which one you want to hear us play as a full One Shot. More details to come, but we have recorded most of them already, and they're so fun. We keep raising the bar about how unhinged and fabulous we get in the One Shot Derby, so I can't wait. Second announcement, for Portland Oregon and anyone who lives in driving distance of Portland, come see us live. Join the Party is going to be playing a double header live show with Spirits all for one affordable price on Sunday, March 23rd, 2025. Go to jointhepartypod.com/live to buy your tickets now. Remember, the ticket price includes fees, in case you're like, "Why is it a weird amount?" All the fees are in there, so you have no surprises when you get to checkout. We're also going to have a raffle there. We'll be signing stuff. We'll have merch to buy. We'll do a VIP Meet and Greet for MultiCrew members. Remember, at the top two tiers in the MultiCrew, you get free tickets to every live show we ever do. So if you want to keep podcasts weird, to see us in person, and to hang out, and basically give us an excuse to visit Portland, come through March 23rd, jointhepartypod.com/live. The final update is for everybody who lives in or around New York City or wants an excuse to visit, which is, we are hosting a Campaign 3 cocktail bar pop-up to celebrate the end of Campaign 3. Incredible listener, Nick Luna, an internationally award-winning mixologist, made incredible cocktails to celebrate Campaign 3. It's all themed around Campaign 3. I don't want to spoil it and give it all away, but there are specific drinks for each of the PCs. I'm obsessed. This is honestly the coolest thing I've ever done or heard of. So if you want to join us in Greenpoint on February 20th, it is totally free. There's no cover charge, no ticket, nothing. Just RSVP at the link in our description. Other details, it is held in a bar, so it's 21 plus, but we will have exciting NA, non-alcoholic, drink options and food available for purchase. February 20th, Brooklyn, Campaign 3 drinks pop-up, RSVP for free at the link in the description now. All right, folks, that's all I got. Onto the episode.
Brandon: I remember a time before the Cascade dried up. Here in Verda Stello, the four nations of plant and bug people flourished and thrived. But the great waterfall that fed the land slowed to a trickle, revealing a vast Salt Sea and unknown islands. The only guide were the words of the 13 Dried Carvings. "The water will slow to fall, but the tides are turning. Find the Infinite Lake to replenish the world and discover the Salmon who will grant you a wish of whatever you desire." This marks the beginning of the Tide, as many Greenfolk hauled onto ships to find the Infinite Lake and maybe riches, adventure, excitement, and purpose along the way. And what exactly is a Salmon? Is that a berry? That was 50 years ago, and the Tide rushes forward ever still. There are many stories caught on the wind between sails, but why don't we hear just one? Of a butterfly gunman with clipped wings, a ripened and explosive piece of produce, and a witch made out of tea. This is Join the Party Campaign 3, The Rising Tide!
[theme]
Amanda: Last time on Join the Party.
Eric: It's going down for real. Umbi, Cammie, Troy, and Havana Tropicana face off against Lucky Edie, The Sharpened, Piney, now with trauma magic, and the desperate assassin, DiAnnalyse. Our crew are trying to get to the Salmon. The locks are on the other side of the desolated South Kompos city, but obviously, their rivals are in the way. Something else is complicating this grudge match. As first mate zombie pirate, Radbert's dandelion puffs have settled on the battlefield. This is part two of the final fight. Listen to the whole episode of— the last episode of this one. Come on. Let's get the party started. I'm gonna roll a stealth check for her to get back into the water. You're absolutely right. [dice roll]
Julia: Oh, my God.
Eric: Holy shit. She's, like, down and in, and that's good, because she rolled an 18, plus what you would imagine her dex is. So it's—
Julia: Don't tell us.
Eric: So I'm not gonna tell you. She jumps and rolls in with a small, "gloop."
Brandon: It's like one of those horses that jumps from a height and into a kiddy pool.
Amanda: It's really scary. Now I'm imagining a horse jumping into water.
Brandon: Yeah, Amanda. It sucked.
Julia: Yeah.
Eric: Yeah.
Amanda: Have you ever seen horses like forge a river? And that's just walking, basically.
Eric: Umbi, it is your turn.
Brandon: Okay. Well—
Julia: Do it, Umbi, do it.
Brandon: —you know what I'm gonna do, right, Eric?
Eric: I don't.
Brandon: The ramp is visible, correct?
Eric: Ramp is visible.
Brandon: I'm gonna throw a big-ass bomb at that ramp.
Eric: Why do I keep forgetting this is going to happen?
Julia: I texted— or I messaged Brandon at 1:48, I said, "Ramp, so easy to blow up."
Brandon: Uh-hmm.
Julia: And Brandon said, "Oh, I know. Hahaha."
Brandon: Yeah. So I'm gonna use a regular bomb, but a primed bomb. And I'm also going to use my key arm, so it's— assuming I hit, it will be a 3D10, plus my intelligence mod. I get two times damage and then two times, assuming again, that works out with my hand.
Eric: I'm gonna miss looking up the page for the AC of materials. I'm gonna miss— one day, I'm gonna miss this.
Julia: RIP.
Eric: Today is not that day.
Julia: Today is not that day.
Eric: Wood— the AC of wood is 15.
Brandon: 15?
Eric: It is. That's almost—
Brandon: That's higher than a magic user.
Julia: That's higher than mine.
Amanda: Yeah. Wood is—
Eric: True.
Amanda: Wood is stronger than flesh. What do you want?
Eric: Brandon, can I tell you? Which is very funny, Bones' AC is also 15. So putting them together in a wizard is worse AC than just the bones of a wizard.
Brandon: Incredible.
Amanda: Listen, if I could be all bone, I would. Not like that.
Julia: Exoskeleton.
Brandon: Well, guys, I have a plus 8 and I got—
Julia: Oh, buddy.
Brandon: —an 8, so 16.
Eric: 16, buddy.
Julia: Yeah!
Amanda: Let's go.
Julia: Let's go.
Eric: You hit, buddy.
Brandon: Great. Okay. So—
Julia: Here it comes.
Brandon: —that's 3D 10, so I'm gonna roll that.
Eric: Okay, give— yeah, give me the damage.
Brandon: [dice roll] 6. [dice roll] 3. [dice roll] 2. 11, plus my intelligence mod is 5, so 16 damage there, times two is 32 times two is 64 plus 1 is 65.
Eric: 65.
Amanda: Hey.
Julia: I just love the plus one at the end, "And 65."
Brandon: Yeah, y'all aren't doing it. You don't forget your plus ones.
Eric: Amanda puts the plus ones in.
Brandon: Okay.
Eric: It's just Cammie doesn't get to do it as much. Oh, you could have been doing it on your whips.
Julia: I'll remember it for the future.
Eric: I guess, though, they're natural. It's natural. Gloria didn't make it for you.
Julia: Yeah, they're big natties.
Amanda: I picture Gloria just giving a little kiss to, like, the knife, the bomb, the arrow, whatever, before we send it off, and that's the plus one.
Eric: Gloria tucks them into bed every night.
Amanda: Uh-hmm.
Eric: Brandon, congratulations. You did 65 points of damage to a ramp. Would you like to make the explosion sound?
Brandon: Yes, I would. All right, everyone, shut the fuck up.
Eric: Okay.
Brandon: Uhh!! [whistles] [explosion] And then rumble, rumble, rumble, rumble, rumble.
Eric: Just like the pieces of the ramp, Piney also explodes into pieces again.
Julia: We did it.
Brandon: What's the DND roll for shrapnel?
Eric: I don't know.
Brandon: I don't know, either.
Eric: No, I think it's fine. I think it's fine.
Amanda: It may puncture some of these beach ball-sized seed pods.
Brandon: Ooh.
Eric: It definitely squishes a large radius of the dandelion puffs around the ramp. So there's another much larger circle.
Julia: Now, potentially, could the ramp that was made of wood be on fire and destroy other puffs that are coming down?
Eric: I would say that, however, for— something about bombs, because you got to prime them, they don't light on fire. They're just explosions.
Julia: Okay. That's fair.
Eric: The whole thing about the bomber versus like a Pyromancer and fire spells, it is— it's explosion versus fire. That seems mechanical.
Brandon: Yeah.
Julia: Uh-hmm. Hey, man, fair.
Brandon: The pressure wave is the thing— that's the damage, not the— not fire.
Amanda: That's cool. That's cool.
Eric: Yeah, Julia.
Julia: That's very fair.
Eric: I can't believe you knew— you didn't know that and I definitely knew that.
Julia: Thank you for your thoughts this time.
Brandon: Umbi looks at Piney and says—
Brandon (as Umbi): It's time to ramp down your life.
Eric: Piney is in pieces, floating in the brine.
Amanda: Nailed it.
Brandon: Brandon feels bad about gloating about that, Umbi does not.
Amanda: Nope.
Eric: Umbi doesn't, definitely does it.
Amanda: That's gonna give a real Juniper taste to this pickle.
Brandon: Hmm. Delicious.
Julia: Hmm.
Eric: It is Piney's turn.
Julia: How?
Eric: Well, I gotta do the things you do. [dice roll] Okay.
Amanda: They were a pine tree.
Julia: Brigitte Bardot.
Eric: At the end of initiative, the dandelion puff snow ends. You hear an explosion far away, and then, "Aaah!" You look up, and there's debris falling. And you see with the frame of a speed boat surrounded by Sil and Havana with Gloria and all the Cervantes siblings inside.
Brandon: Hell yeah, dude.
Julia: Nice.
Eric: But behind them are the— I guess you would call them corpses of zombie pirates falling behind them, and then leading the chase of your friends in this speed boat is the Rotten Key and their terrible zombie pirate crew just crashing down, falling faster and faster towards all of you in the bottom of formerly South Kompos City.
Brandon: Hell yeah. Let's go.
Eric: You should all probably get down.
Brandon: Get down and boogie or, like, hide?
Eric: Make dexterity checks, please.
Julia: Get down, get down, get down, get down, get down tonight.
Brandon: Saving throw or checks? [dice roll]
Eric: Saving throws, please.
Brandon: Am I evading?
Eric: Yeah, definitely.
Brandon: All right, great. Then I have evasion.
Eric: Yeah, you have— you definitely have evasion, because you're doing a saving— you're doing a dexterity saving throw.
Brandon: Fuck yeah, man.
Amanda: 22 for—
Brandon: God, these—
Eric: Hell yeah.
Brandon: —rolls are shit.
Julia: Rolled a 9.
Brandon: 14.
Eric: I think a lot of debris falling, aren't— isn't it?
Brandon: No, I think probably not.
Eric: No, probably not?
Julia: Not that much.
Brandon: The DC was probably like a 2, I think, or maybe like a 4.
Eric: Oh, you got 14, Brandon?
Brandon: Yeah.
Eric: [dice roll]
Julia: You're rolling a lot there, just—
Eric: Well, a lot of stuff is falling. Cammie, please take 27 points of damage.
Amanda: Oh, boy.
Julia: Uh-hmm.
Eric: Troy, take 13 points of damage, and Umbi take zero.
Julia: Good job, Umbi.
Brandon: Yeah!
Amanda: I have evasion, so I take none.
Eric: Oh, you also have evasion?
Amanda: Yeah.
Eric: Oh, Troy also takes zero points of damage.
Brandon: Yeah!
Julia: How much did just Cammie take?
Eric: 27.
Julia: Gotcha, cool. We're doing okay.
Eric: Everything is just slamming down— just— see so many people, boats, things, debris, just slamming around you, crushing the dandelion puffs, but also smushing any resemblance of this ever being a city ever again.
Brandon: You see, like, synchronized swimmers, you see Umbi and Troy do equal but opposite dodge rolls.
Amanda: Uh-hmm.
Julia: Cammie goes—
Julia (as Cammie): When did we learn— ow!
Eric: When did we learn— pfff!! And for a moment, it's still— as people are hold— pulling themselves back together, it's like the reverse of a storm. It's the calm after the explosion.
Brandon: That's the feeling that Umbi gets every time he throws a bomb.
Julia: Yeah.
Eric: Umbi is trying to find the serene peace after an explosion.
Brandon: Uh-hmm.
Eric: And you hear rubble, and wood, and bodies pushed aside.
Eric (as Rotten Key): Ar, boyos, lassies, it's like you made it so easy for me.
Brandon: The Rotten Key unscathed steps upon the destruction, like at the bow of a working Greenfolk alive ship.
Eric (as Rotten Key): It's like you wanted this for me. The Greenfolk let me out of my prison. The Greenfolk let me hop into that sweet teenage sproutling. The Greenfolk let the Cascade dry up, and when the Great Salt Sea opened, you fought and you squabbled instead of fixing it. When the keys were revealed, you stepped in front of each other to grab it for yourselves. When some of you tried to beat me, others of you gave me new life in this key body. If I didn't know any better, it's like you wanted Verda Stello to end. I barely had to lift— well, a tooth, as they say. [laughs]
Amanda: Why is his laugh so adorable?
Julia (as Cammie): Joke sucked. Sucks.
Eric (as Rotten Key): I have the key teeth in which— which are my leg— which is my pirate leg.
Brandon (as Umbi): I like it.
Eric (as Rotten Key): Yar.
Brandon (as Umbi): Yar.
Amanda (as Troy): Yar.
Julia (as Cammie): Don't yar with him.
Amanda (as Troy): Damn it, I said yar.
Brandon (as Umbi): Yar. Fuck, shit, fuck.
Eric (as Rotten Key): So if this is your last stand for your entire peoples, I don't think it's going to be that hard. You let me get this far. And it seems like it's right over there.
Amanda: Are they going to join initiative?
Brandon: This is health bar two, Eric?
Eric: When an entire ship falls on everyone, it seems like a fun time to change the game mechanics, doesn't it?
Julia: Hmm.
Amanda: Okay.
Brandon: Yeah.
Eric: Here's how it works for the rush to the Salmon. Everyone's going for the Salmon, and here's how it works. We're gonna do it like you coming down from Mango Crossing. You need three action points to get to the Salmon portal. You then have to use one action point per lock. You also need to have the key on you to open the appropriate lock.
Amanda: Uh-hmm.
Brandon: Okay.
Amanda: Uh-hmm.
Eric: Think of it like it takes three dashes, almost, of movement to get over to where the Salmon portal is.
Amanda: Uh-hmm.
Brandon: Right. Gotcha.
Eric: And then you got to use another action to open each one of the keys. Troy— because Troy is already on his way, Troy has already used one action point. Troy is 1/3 of the way towards the Salmon portal.
Amanda: Cool.
Eric: Other people are going to be trying to make it towards the Salmon portal, and we'll also have three action points to get it there. We'll see how that goes.
Brandon: We'll see if— never mind.
Eric (as Rotten Key): On your marks, ready, get, set, go!
Brandon (as Umbi): Ahh!
Eric (as Rotten Key): Let's see the order in which all these folks get to go. I'm gonna have you all go and average out your initiative rolls, and we'll see who's gonna go first.
Amanda: Cool.
Brandon: We need to roll new ones, right?
Amanda: Got it.
Eric: Yeah, we're gonna roll new ones now.
Brandon: Okay, thank Christ. [dice roll]
Eric: Cammie, when you come out from underneath the rubble that fell on top of you, you and Nonny are back separated. I think that—
Julia: Aw.
Eric: —when you were underneath maybe, like, the prow of a ship, there was like a magical aura, but we didn't see the terrible unseparating.
Julia: Uh-hmm.
Eric: So now, you're just back to two separate folks. And Troy, you now do not have silly juice running through your entire body, so that is gone.
Amanda: Shit.
Julia: Aw.
Brandon: What about me, Eric? What do I do? I don't want to be left out.
Eric: What do you do?
Brandon: Yeah, what do I do?
Amanda: You look really cool.
Brandon: Thanks.
Amanda: You're welcome.
Julia: Yeah.
Eric: I know that it was only two turns, but the mechanics changed and I would say that it's been about a minute.
Amanda: Uh-hmm. Oh, yeah, that's why talking takes more time than fighting.
Eric: It does. It does.
Amanda: That's what Lincoln's cabinet taught me.
Eric: Okay. So what do we got?
Brandon: 18.
Eric: 18.
Amanda: 14.
Julia: And a Natural 20.
Brandon: Yeah.
Amanda: Yeah.
Eric: That's pretty rude. What's your dexterity, Cammie?
Julia: Zero.
Eric: Oh, hell yeah, 20.
Julia: That's why I rolled a 9 and almost— and got crushed by a giant ship, so—
Amanda: Uh-hmm.
Julia: —makes sense. Checks out.
Brandon: A 17.3.
Eric: I'm glad you said that, because I divided it by 2 and I'm like, "Why did I get a 26? That's crazy."
Julia: How did that work?
Eric: I don't know how I did that. As the key says—
Eric (as Rotten Key): On your marks, ready, get set, go.
Eric: The key says—
Eric (as Rotten Key): Oh, hold on. What is this?
Eric: As you all start to run. The key hops down into the water.
Eric (as Rotten Key): Yeah, can someone help me with this? Cabin boy, help me.
Eric: And there's like a little tumbleweed zombie kind of rolls down.
Eric (as Tumbleweed Zombie): Okay, I'm on it. I'm coming.
Eric: And pulls something out of the water. It is a part of Piney, a slice of Piney with some sort of contraption.
Brandon: Hmm.
Eric: With a receiver on it that's been smashed, and you hear it going, "Woomp," what is, like, smashed and the batteries all messed up, so it's going, "Woo-woo-woo-woomp."
Brandon: Hmm.
Eric (as Rotten Key): Ay, what this be?
Julia: What this be?
Eric: And you see a window out of nowhere open and Tessie, the storm pushes—
Julia: Oh, God.
Eric: —her entire body through.
Brandon: Fuck.
Eric (as Tessie the Storm): Give me back my Piney.
Eric: Crash, crash. Lightning, lightning, lightning. As Tessie jumps towards, dives towards the Rotten Key. They tumble over, splash through the water, and the Rotten Key gets on top of Tessie.
Eric (as Rotten Key): Ay, everything seems to be bending towards me winning.
Eric: And the Rotten Key shoves their key teeth into Tessie's body.
Julia: No.
Brandon: Yes.
Julia: No, it doesn't.
Brandon: Yes, it does.
Eric: And they fit together.
Julia: Ew.
Brandon: Oh. No, they don't. I don't like that. I take it back, Julia. I'm sorry.
Julia: You could have described a worse thing there.
Eric: And now on eight legs crackling with lightning.
Amanda: No.
Julia: Absolutely not. I can't let this happen.
Eric: With the Rotten Key piloting the pirate queen.
Brandon: Hell yeah, dude.
Eric: We now have the name of Rotten the Storm.
Brandon: Hell yeah, dude.
Julia: Oh.
Amanda: Sick as hell. I hate it.
Julia: Ugh.
Eric: That's the most I'm going to describe that, everyone.
Julia: Thank you, no more. I want no more.
Eric: But make your fan art known.
Julia: No.
Eric: Send it only to me, if you like.
Brandon: King Rotten the Storm? Is it a king now?
Julia: Not yet.
Eric: Captain Rotten the Storm?
Brandon: Captain Rotten the Storm, I like that.
Julia: Brandon, I'm gonna tell you right now, I don't like it.
Amanda: Captain Storm, the Rotten.
Eric: Rotten the Storm Key? I don't know.
Brandon: They're all good. There's no bad option.
Eric: Put 'em all together.
Amanda: Great.
Eric: They all sound like Elden Ring bosses, which is what I was going for.
Amanda: Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Julia: Hmm.
Brandon: Yeah, exactly, exactly. That's why I wanted to add a king in front of it.
Eric: Rotten the Storm, the Exalted One.
Brandon: Yeah, yeah.
Eric: Yeah. That's a Dark Souls boss if I ever heard one. Okay. So you all see that, that all happened.
Julia: And Cammie says—
Julia (as Cammie): No.
Brandon: Umbi panics.
Amanda: Troy's eyes poke out from above the sea of dandelion and then retreat back down.
Julia: Good.
Eric: [dice roll] All right. Now, it is your turn. Each of you are three action points away from the Salmon portal. You have to apply an action point to close a third of the distance—
Amanda: Got it.
Eric: —towards the locks and the Salmon.
Amanda: But Troy is already on step one.
Eric: Troy, because you snuck away already and didn't know the mechanics but did the thing, you are already one-third of the way there. You've already used one action point.
Brandon: Well, Umbi is definitely just gonna throw a teleportation bomb and try to teleport over there as fast as he possibly can.
Julia: Cammie goes—
Julia (as Cammie): Oh, okay. Bye, Umbi.
Brandon (as Umbi): Sorry, I can't share.
Eric: Action point, one to Umbi.
Brandon: Guys, I should have been saying bombphed this entire time.
Julia: Oh.
Brandon: Instead of bamphed.
Eric: Brandon, just edit that back into 60 plus episodes.
Brandon: Shit. All right, everyone. Shut up. Bumphed. Bumphed. Bumphed. Bumphed.
Julia: You want me to throw one in there? Bumphed.
Brandon: Yeah, Eric and Amanda, can you give me one?
Eric: Bimphed. Damn it. Shit.
Brandon: Ah, shit.
Julia: Retake, retake.
Amanda: Boomphed? Is that right?
Julia: Well, boom— listen, Brandon, boomphed works too because it's also a boom, which is what bombs do.
Brandon: Oh, I actually like that better. Boomphed works better than bombphed
Eric: All right, Brandon, redo it. Brandon, redo it. Redo it.
Amanda: All right.
Eric: Troy, Cammie?
Julia: I'd like to cast a spell.
Eric: Great.
Julia: I'd like to cast polymorph.
Brandon: Yeah.
Eric: I forget you have polymorph. That's crazy.
Julia: Uh-hmm.
Brandon: Polymorph into a board.
Julia: No. Actually, what I'd like to do is— oh, well, yeah. Here's what I'd like to do. I'd like to cast polymorph on Rotten the Storm.
Brandon: What?
Eric: Oh, my God, I forgot you can do that. Goddamn it!
Brandon: Holy shit.
Eric: Shit!
Brandon: Shit!
Julia: Needs to make a wisdom saving throw.
Amanda: I don't think either of these creatures is very wise.
Eric: Oh, my God. Okay. There's no way— neither Tessie nor the creature we know as the Rotten Key can be spellcasters from wisdom.
Julia: Yeah.
Eric: I think the Rotten Key is intelligence-based and Tessie is charisma-based.
Julia: Uh-hmm.
Eric: What ability do you use to do spells?
Julia: Oh, charisma.
Eric: Oh, yeah, okay.
Julia: Because I'm a witch. Because it's the trauma. The trauma makes me funny.
Eric: Right. No, no, no. That's why I was going to do a three for wisdom.
Julia: Okay.
Eric: Yeah, yeah. I'm going to do a— I don't think it would be higher than a three, no way. So I'm going to do a three.
Julia: Uh-hmm.
Eric: Okay, what am I looking for?
Julia: You have to beat a 16.
Eric: Okay. So I'm looking for a 13 on that dice or higher.
Brandon: Eric, I believe in you, imagine me rolling the dice in your hand.
Eric: [dice roll]
Brandon: Doesn't look good, folks. Doesn't look good.
Julia: She's got everything.
Eric: I refuse to say it. Amanda can do it.
Amanda: Um, it was a 6.
Julia: Oh.
Brandon: That's not good.
Julia: That's not very good.
Eric: So what?
Julia: There's a poof of steam, and then there's a little baby ginkgo crab just hanging out there. And Cammie goes—
Julia (as Cammie): Aw.
Julia: And scoops it up and starts running.
Brandon: Wait, runs with it? Don't bring it to us.
Julia: No, I want to keep it.
Eric: How long does polymorph la— tell me about polymorph, you motherfucker.
Julia: Up to an hour with concentration.
Eric: Do I keep making saves or just like that?
Julia: No.
Eric: Goddamn it!
Amanda: Skreee!
Brandon: Incredible.
Amanda: Oh, my God.
Eric: Okay.
Julia: I'm holding it by the back of the shell like that, so its little pincers can't get to me.
Brandon: Can I picture you punting it the other direction?
Julia: No, you can't. I'm taking it with me.
Eric: All right. All of the zombie pirates go—
Eric (as Zombie Pirates): Hey!
Brandon: And run after Cammie.
Julia: Fair enough.
Amanda: Fair.
Brandon: My mouth hurts from laughing. Stop it.
Eric: Oh, my God.
Amanda: Incredible use of polymorph.
Brandon: Little gingko crab. Little gingko crab.
Amanda: Troy can also just stab it with the Dilly Dagger, by the way, which I still have.
Brandon: I mean, we could boil it.
Amanda: Yeah.
Brandon: Have a little crab feast. What is a ginkgo crab? Is that a real thing?
Julia: No, it's like a ginkgo tree and a little crab. It was the form that Nonny took before she became a pirate of the hold.
Brandon: Oh, I love it.
Eric: Okay. Lovely, Troy, what would you do?
Julia: What would you like to do, Troy?
Eric: What would you like to do?
Amanda: Troy's gonna see everything happening behind him, and just blocking it all out like he loves to do, advance toward the Salmon instead.
Eric: Okay. That's a two for Troy.
Amanda: Yeah.
Brandon: Just sticking your fingers in your ears.
Amanda: Uh-hmm.
Eric: Goddamn it.
Amanda: La, la, la, la, la.
Eric: All right, Troy—
Amanda: Can I do any— like, can I make any check or--
Eric: Yeah, you can make a check.
Amanda: Yeah.
Eric: If you're using an action point, you can make a check.
Amanda: Yeah. So he's gonna continue fleeing as fast as he can toward the locks, but he understands that Diana is not down, so he's going to be keeping—
Eric: Uh-hmm.
Amanda: —his head on the swivel to see if DiAnnalyse is coming closer.
Eric: Yeah, you can make a perception check. Umbi, you can make a check too, if you'd like.
Brandon: Can I look— maybe a perception investigation to see if there's any obstacles on our way.
Eric: Sure, for sure.
Amanda: That's a 3.
Eric: A 3? Interesting.
Brandon: Oh, Amanda, that's a 3?
Eric: Oh, Di must have gotten crushed under the ship when it fell.
Amanda: Well, RIP to my sister.
Julia: Yeah, that's a shame.
Eric: Yeah, RIP to the sister. I guess DiAnnalyse is just dead. That's a wrap on DiAnnalyse for the podcast.
Julia: Wow.
Amanda: A single tear falls from Troy's eyes.
Brandon: Season wrap on DiAnnalyse. Season wrap on DiAnnalyse, everybody.
Eric: Someone's sweeping Piney out. The pieces of Piney, someone's just stacking them up and throwing them into a garbage bag. Give me an investigation, Brandon.
Brandon: Well, that would be a 2 plus 5 for a 7.
Eric: 7. Pirates, probably. Watch out for the pirates that are running after you. The--
Brandon: That's a season wrap on Umbi, folks. Season wrap on Umbi.
Eric: Watch out for the zombie pirates that are running after you.
Brandon: Yeah, that makes sense.
Eric: Well, not you, Cammie, but still was that helpful?
Julia: Yeah.
Amanda: Hmm.
Brandon: Yeah.
Amanda: Yeah.
Eric: Cool.
Brandon: Thank you.
Eric: All right, with a 2, Troy, I'm so glad you made two-thirds of the way there.
Amanda: Yeah.
Eric: Because you are getting ever closer. You can see that the— all the— because of all the hubbub that's happened around here, and probably also the mixing of the brine that's got jostled around when the blackberry dragon left. All of the hubbub that's been happening of people moving around and everything, all of the keys are fully exposed, and you are so tantalizingly close to opening up. But something is emerging out of the ground in front of you, its rotting, willowy arms stretching in all directions, blocking your path. You didn't know the trees came this big, of course.
Brandon: Uh-oh.
Eric: Until you saw them before.
Julia: No.
Brandon: No.
Amanda: Shit.
Julia: The love of my life.
Eric (as Salix): You shall not pass. Brains.
Eric: From the zombified version of the bodyguard, Salix.
Julia: Oh.
Amanda: Oh.
Eric: The giant tree is standing in your way until you figure out a way past him. You can't use your action point.
Amanda: All right.
Brandon: I thought you were gonna say, "You shall not get by."
Eric: "You shall not— brains."
Julia: "You can't go here."
Eric: "Brain shall not brain." All right, folks, because Captain the Rotten Storm is currently a crab—
Brandon: The Exalted One.
Julia: Uh-hmm.
Eric: The Exalted One.
Brandon: The Exalted Crab.
Eric: Tries to pinch Cammie. [dice roll] It's a Nat 1, okay.
Julia: And Cammie feels bad and goes—
Julia (as Cammie): Ow.
Amanda: this really seems like a rumor of, like, early medieval popes. You know what I mean? Whereas, like, one pope might have been a woman, one Pope might have been a crab.
Julia: Who can say?
Amanda: Who can say?
Eric: Oh, the saint of losing your keys at the beach?
Amanda: Uh-hmm.
Eric: Why, that's St. Ignatius, who got turned into a crab.
Amanda: Uh-hmm.
Julia: And that's how he got martyred.
Eric: That's how he done got martyred. All right, it's your turn, folks. Troy, you are standing in front of Salix.
Amanda: Yeah.
Eric: Cammie, you have zero action points devoted towards this, but all of the zombie pirates are running after you. And Umbi, you have one action point devoted to running towards the Salmon.
Amanda: Troy weeping openly, is going to, from his crouched position, reach into his right boot and pull out the Dilly Dagger, because if there's something that shouldn't exist is this.
Julia: Oh.
Brandon: Oh. That's sad.
Amanda: And weeping, hands shaking a little bit, he's going to run forward and attempt to stab it into Salix's trunk.
Eric: I just love the weeping willow tree, the willowy branches. I love you're just, like, running head first into these evil, zombified, rotting branches—
Amanda: Yeah.
Eric: —and just stabbing your way through it. It's incredible.
Amanda: It's like when you grab a reptile behind the head and it's like they can't snap around and bite you now, huh?
Julia: Uh-hmm.
Brandon: At the same time that Troy is doing this, Umbi is going to run up as well. And as he's running up towards Salix and Troy, he's going to rip off his clothes, he is now nude as the day he was born.
Julia: Hey, what? Why?
Brandon: And he's going to take out a vial and—
Eric: Brandon? Hold on.
Brandon: Uh-huh.
Eric: Wait, Brandon, hold on.
Brandon: Uh-huh.
Eric: Hold on.
Brandon: Uh-huh.
Eric: You are not close enough for this.
Amanda: I was one ahead of you.
Brandon: Oh, so I can't— oh, okay.
Eric: Because remember, Troy's one ahead of you. So Troy is at two and you're still at one.
Brandon: Okay, but if Troy wins this, I don't get to do my funny bit.
Eric: I know. That's why I'm trying to tell you before you do the bit.
Brandon: Okay. Fine.
Julia: Save it for another time.
Brandon: There's not gonna be another time, Julia.
Amanda: Were you gonna lube yourself up and slide under him?
Julia: Yeah, you were, weren't you?
Brandon: Yeah.
Julia: Yeah.
Eric: Listen, Troy— can I— hold on one second. This is why this is important. Troy is not that good at daggering.
Amanda: Yeah.
Eric: And Salix has a very high AC.
Brandon: Okay, okay. That's fair. That's fair.
Eric: So let's all hold on before Troy gets within five feet of the terrible zombie bodyguard, okay?
Brandon: Okay.
Eric: Okay?
Brandon: Okay.
Eric: Let's all hold.
Brandon: Okay, dad.
[theme]
Amanda: Hey, it's Amanda. Yesterday was a tough day for me, for us, Join the Party, for a lot of us in the US, but I'm reminded when the world, as a whole, is getting me down, that the daily pleasures of life and of being recognized and known and belonging somewhere has never meant more to me. So going to a coffee shop and the barista giving me the nod, the bisexual nod that is, because we both have bisexual pins on, seeing someone I know from my local dive bar out on the sidewalk and saying hi and high-fiving, meeting a dog that is excited to see you, coming home to someone who's excited that you're home, or texting someone that you know is going to love that meme. All that stuff matters, and it is only going to keep mattering more, so welcome to the midroll. I found this excellent Capybara meme for you. Thank you and welcome to everybody who joined the paying member tiers on our Patreon. Mike C. and Honey, thank you so much. Welcome. You now have access to our patron-only Discord chat server, which is popping every single day with photos and prompts, and beautiful reflections, and just incredible messages from the Join the Party community. You also, as a paying patron, get an entire additional biweekly podcast just for you. It's called Party Planning. You get the excerpts here every other Friday. But imagine, instead of just an excerpt, you got a full audio and video podcast just for you, all of that and more at patreon.com/jointhepartypod. And by the way, remember, if you are getting off social media for any of the many excellent reasons that you might want to get off social media, follow us for free on Patreon, just make an account, no credit card required. You can just follow us for free, and you can get updates as to what's going on with the show, like some of those exciting updates that I shared at the top of the episode. And hey, here's an announcement that we put on Patreon before anywhere else. We made plant-pirate dice specifically for this campaign. And as Campaign Three draws toward its conclusion, you should make sure you remember the occasion with a set of plant-pirate dice. These are produced by the one and only Dispel Dice, our favorite dice makers in the entire world, and we collabed with them on this gorgeous set of plant-pirate dice, where you can see a kraken eye and a parrot, and a tentacle, and flowers. It is so, so gorgeous. Get them at jointhepartypod.com/dice. They are limited. We've only made the amount that we've made, and when they sell out, there's no guarantee that we're going to make more of them. So if you want some plant-pirate dice, make sure you get them, jointhepartypod.com/dice. Lots happening at Multitude as there is a lot happening in the world. And if you want to think about how the Internet affects real life in a way that won't freaking bum you out and that will teach you something and make you laugh, you got to listen to Wow If True. This is your one-stop internet culture shop where journalist Amanda Silberling and science fiction author and attorney Isabel J. Kim, Esq. talk about the internet. They're real-life besties, and they're so sweet. And they explain how the internet is shaping the real world. They ask and answer your burning questions about the internet, not just silly things, in my opinion, like Bigolas Dickolas and like Elon Musk's lore and YouTubers locking people in grocery stores, but also real questions about things like patent law, about intellectual property, about how venture capitalists raise money and what that means for the services we use every day. So check it out. I love Wow If True. They come out every other Wednesday, so subscribe to Wow If True in your podcast app now. And finally, we are sponsored this week by another D&D podcast. It's called Dumb-Dumbs & Dragons, where professional improvisers and comedians play D&D for the very first time. If you are kind of curious about how D&D works and you want to hear people learn it, or if you're a veteran player and want to get deep on rules, you will have a blast as this zany trio pick up the rules and start some wild adventures. Their party includes a thief that broke out of prison. Hmm, sounds familiar. I love it. A wizard who forgets magic has consequences. Hey, wait a minute. Are all D&D players fundamentally similar? And the cleric to a goddess. I love it. In their latest season, the trio has taken over a country, and hilarity ensues as they reshape a nation. So you can listen to this weekly podcast every Monday in your podcast app. Click the link in the description or look up Dumbs-Dumbs & Dragons. And now, let's get back to the show.
[theme]
Eric: Troy, I'm looking for a 17, buddy.
Amanda: All right. Well, I'm going to try stabbing twice. I'm gonna use both attacks. Okay, well, the first one was a 1. The next one was a 3. 3—
Brandon: Jesus Christ.
Amanda: —plus 6 to 9to hit.
Brandon: Amanda, throw that shit away.
Amanda: [dice roll]
Julia: Now, it's in the trash now. Now, it's in the trash now.
Brandon: That will never not be funny.
Eric: All right, thank you. I'm glad I took the time to stop because Troy, you overhand stab the Dilly Dagger into Salix's body and there's so much necrotic bark flesh that you can't get to the heart of the tree, as it were.
Brandon: Yu-Gi-Tree.
Amanda: Is there anything else I can do?
Brandon: Yu-Tree-Oh is what I was supposed to say.
Amanda: Yes.
Julia: Pretty good.
Amanda: Yeah. That's all I got.
Eric: So that's all you got? All right. Troy—
Julia: That's all you got.
Eric: —has currently imperiled himself. Cammie, Umbi, what do you want to do?
Brandon: Well, I'll just chuck another teleportation bomb.
Eric: All right, so that's two for Umbi. Umbi, you are now at the same point that Troy is, as you see Troy has closed the distance between him and Salix, and is trying to stab him with the dagger, and is having a tough time of that situation.
Brandon (as Umbi): Yep. Hey, Troy.
Amanda (as Troy): Help!
Eric: Cammie, what do you want to do?
Julia: Can I dimension door?
Eric: Yeah, to where?
Brandon: That's tight.
Julia: I mean, I'd like to do it to the locks, but—
Brandon: That's not how the game works, Julia.
Julia: —I don't want to break your game.
Eric: No, it's a good point.
Julia: It's 500 feet.
Eric: What level spell is that?
Julia: It's a fourth level, but I'm actually casting it at fifth because I'm out of fourth-level slots.
Eric: Yeah, yeah, yeah. I mean, that's what I would say.
Amanda: That feels fair.
Julia: Uh-hmm.
Eric: That's fair. You can do it.
Julia: Oh, yeah.
Eric: You got magic. That's how the game— that's—
Julia: Yeah.
Eric: Talk to the people who play tested Dungeons & Dragons.
Julia: Yeah. All right. I do that. I think what Cammie does is she looks behind her and sees the zombies are way too close and she goes—
Julia (as Cammie): Uh-oh.
Julia: And he goes, "Psssht."
Eric: What is— remind me what your dimension door looks like.
Julia: I think it's just I— I'm enveloped in a cloud of steam, and then it winks out of existence, and then I bamphed much like Nightcrawler, much like Umbi, but 500 feet away.
Amanda: Uh-hmm.
Eric: Oh, but you steamphed?
Julia: I steamphed.
Eric: Steamphed.
Brandon: Yeah.
Eric: Sure. Where do you want a dimension door?
Julia: To the locks.
Eric: All right. Cammie, you, "pffft" your way to the locks. You are now standing at the Salmon portal. You see the collar that used to hold the blackberry dragon in place, sitting dejected, rusted over, buried under sand. I can't believe people would do that. It's so terrible that they did that.
Julia: Yeah.
Eric: But three out of the four locks are still not taken care of, with chains locked up around the portal.
Julia: Cammie looks around and is like—
Julia (as Cammie): Oh, Troy's not here yet. Um, okay.
Eric: You can turn around and you see the back of your former hopeful lover, the zombified Salix.
Julia: Cammie starts weeping and holds up the crab and says—
Julia (as Cammie): You did this.
Eric: From a zoomed out perspective, we now see that the entire crowd of zombified pirates just moving to stage one.
Amanda: Here's a joke I would have whispered into the microphone, if you quickly steamphed, you queef.
Julia: Queemfed. I really think they should actually change the word queef to queemfed, Amanda, you're right.
Brandon: I don't— well, no, I do, actually. No, I—
Julia: No, the M kind of lightens it a little.
Brandon: It softens it.
Julia: Yeah.
Brandon: Yeah. Yeah.
Amanda: Like mosquitoes, we should just erase it. That's what the M is for.
Eric: Give me a perception check really quickly, Cammie.
Julia: Me?
Eric: Yeah.
Julia: Perception?
Brandon: Me?
Julia: Me? [dice roll] 16 plus 3.
Eric: Great. 19. As you turn around and you survey what's behind you, you see Salix, you see Troy, all up in that zombie's space, and you see Umbi has also bamphed his way there. You see the crowd of pirates that's charging forward, but someone is unaccounted for. It is easy to tell, because their blades are on fire.
Brandon: Oh, no.
Eric: That would be Lucky Edie, who has peeled off to the side and is now using her flaming knives to climb up the side of the cave, getting out.
Brandon: Coward.
Julia: Hmm. Well, I already did a spell this round.
Brandon: Pull out a gun and shoot her.
Julia: I can't do anything about that right now.
Amanda: What if Cammie had a gun the whole time?
Julia: Cammie goes—
Julia (as Cammie): Bam, bam!
Eric: Cammie believes in open carry.
Julia: Brah, brah.
Amanda: Oh, no.
Eric: All right. It's now the zombie pirate's turn. The zombie pirates have run forward and Salix falls on top of Troy Riptide. Troy, how would you like to escape?
Brandon: Jeez, okay.
Eric: Dexterity?
Amanda: I mean, truthfully, it would be a dex saving throw, because I think growing up in the Crags, boulders falling down on you, like, is not unheard of, and so that's the instinct, is to, like, roll out of the way.
Eric: All right. Dexter— give me a dexterity saving throw.
Julia: I was gonna say—
Amanda: I have proficiency on this.
Julia: —like, if he did this in the forest, would we ask if he made a sound?
Eric: Yes.
Amanda: All right, it's a 7 plus 6 for a 13.
Eric: "Poommm." Salix has smashed Troy Riptide and two of the keys into the ground.
Julia: Uh-oh,
Brandon: Shit.
Amanda: Now, Eric?
Julia: Oh.
Eric: Uh-hmm.
Amanda: Troy's holding the Dilly Dagger.
Brandon: Oh.
Amanda: Is there any way that we can have a contest or a roll to see if it lodges itself in Salix?
Eric: Okay.
Julia: Like a Shakespearean death.
Amanda: Uh-hmm. Does the force of Salix falling onto Troy lodge it any deeper?
Eric: This is what I get for thinking, that would be the most efficient way to take someone out who's closest to following them, and now there's a Shakespearean possibility of that happening.
Julia: Hmm.
Eric: No, I mean, that's what I did, and you have the dagger out.
Brandon: I mean, at minimum, like next round, you'll have, like, advantage on hitting the boyo with it, you know?
Eric: Yeah, but he would be prone. He'd be under a giant tree.
Amanda: I think this is as the fall happens and not after. Like, if you—
Eric: Okay.
Amanda: —said that the dagger for flavor was, like, in some of the necrotic flesh, does the fall force the dagger further in? You can say now.
Eric: That is what I said. I did say that.
Brandon: You did say that.
Eric: I did say that. I'm gonna— we're gonna have to roll for this. We're definitely.
Brandon: You did say it like that.
Julia: I'm also curious if the Dilly Dagger one-hit KO's zombies the way it one-hit KO'd the—
Amanda: I don't know. Yeah.
Julia: Yeah.
Amanda: I'm making a guess.
Julia: Yeah, yeah.
Eric: Okay. I'm deciding what the probability of this happening is. I think it's a coin flip. All right. Let's do a coin flip.
Amanda: I do have a Joken.
Eric: You have a Joken?
Amanda: Yeah.
Julia: Huzzah.
Eric: Okay, which side do you want, joke side or the logo side?
Amanda: Joke's on you, so logo's on me. If it works.
Julia: Great.
Eric: Okay, flip the coin, if the joke comes up, then this happens—
Amanda: And I win, joke's on you.
Eric: —and then you win, joke's on me.
Amanda: Yeah.
Eric: If the show comes up, then—
Amanda: Good for plot, bad for me.
Eric: Good for plot, bad for Troy. It doesn't happen, okay?
Amanda: Ready.
Brandon: Okay. Do it.
Eric: And I'm gonna flip it up in the air, and then I'm gonna put it on my palm, okay?
Amanda: Uh-hmm.
Brandon: Do it.
Julia: I believe in you.
Eric: I'm so afraid of seeing the word "Joke" look at me right now.
Amanda: My palm is so sweaty.
Julia: I hope it fucking does.
Amanda: Joke!
Julia: Yeah!
Amanda: Yes!
Julia: Uh-hmm. Nice. Yeah.
Brandon: Got him.
Julia: Yes.
Brandon: Got him. You got him.
Julai: Man.
Brandon: Yeah.
Amanda: Oh, baby.
Brandon: Joke's on you.
Julia: Oh, I just feel like I want to fight.
Amanda: Mwa.
Brandon: Bad for plot, good for us. Bad for plot, good for us.
Julia: Yeah. Oh, yeah, guys, everyone do the dance.
Brandon: Ya, tata, taratata. Ya, tata, tarata.
Eric: Okay. I'm gonna roll so many D10s. [dice roll] 37 points of tree falling on you damage.
Julia: Uh-oh.
Brandon: Yikes.
Amanda: Troy has 5 hit points left.
Julia: Okay.
Brandon: Oh, no.
Julia: So I'm just still up.
Eric: As the rule goes, the Dilly Dagger takes life out of things that shouldn't have it. So there is just a big treat— there's just a big tree stump. There's just—
Julia: Oh, no.
Eric: —a massive tree trunk fallen on top of Troy Riptide, no longer the terrify— no longer the visage of our good friend Salix in the past, but also no longer the zombie bodyguard of the Rotten Key.
Amanda (as Troy): Rest well, my friend.
Brandon: Can you say that like you're being smashed by a tree?
Amanda (as Troy): Rest well, my friend.
Eric: All right. So I can't do anything about the polymorph?
Julia: No.
Eric: Piss. All right.
Amanda: This is the thing I described, where you go to D&D at your friend's house, it's Friday night, there's pizza, there's beer, and you're just like, "I'm drowning. I'm drowning. Uh-hmm. I continue to drown."
Julia: Uh-hmm. Uh-hmm. Uh-hmm.
Brandon: Uh-hmm. Still drowning.
Amanda: And it's that for three minutes.
Brandon: But you get the most pizza because you don't have to talk.
Julia: Yum.
Eric: What was your perception check again, Cammie, from before?
Julia: It was a 19.
Eric: It was a 19?
Julia: Hmm.
Eric: Cammie, coming up in the brine near you, staying low in all the hubbub, the cowardly assassin DiAnnalyse is making a move towards one of the locks farther away from you.
Julia: I'd like to do something about that. Let me see what I got.
Eric: Okay. I've been calculating DiAnnalyse's three action points and is now at the locks with Cammie.
Amanda: Hmm.
Eric: It is now the player's turn. What would you all like to do? Troy is currently under the— a massive tree stump.
Amanda: Uh-hmm.
Brandon: Can I touch Troy at all, or is he completely covered?
Eric: Well, what do you want to do?
Brandon: Well, I have two options. One is I can give you a potion of gaseous form, so you can just fly out. Or if I can't touch you, because I technically have to touch them, I could use a potion of growth and try to pull the tree off of you.
Amanda: That could be fun. How would gaseous form deal with the key on my back?
Brandon: Good question. Let's find out.
Eric: Gaseous form, you take all of your stuff with you.
Brandon: Oh, yeah, everything it's wearing and caring.
Amanda: I feel like in Tom and Jerry logic, my handsies and feetsies will be poking out of the top.
Eric: I also assumed that, that your hand— at least one hand or— was sticking out, yeah.
Brandon: Oh, that's cute. Okay.
Amanda: To be honest, so—
Eric: I agree with that. I agree—
Amanda: It was— also helps me, but it is genuinely funny.
Eric: No, I agree with that logic as well. My first thought was, there's probably one hand outwards.
Amanda: Troy's flat as a pancake. He would float on the breeze like a piece of paper. You know?
Brandon: Well, RIP, my nude, old boy.
Amanda: Uh-hmm.
Brandon: I'm gonna use my two raging dice to make a potion— actually, let me— can I have enough? I can't. I'd only have two, and it costs three. No. Shit. Fuck. Shit. Fuck. Shit. Fuck.
Eric: Sorry.
Brandon: Shit, fuck.
Eric: Sorry.
Brandon: Shit, fuck. Okay. Well, then, instead, I am going to down a potion of growth, which is only one.
Eric: Okay.
Brandon: And it doubles my size, so I'm now a large creature.
Amanda: Hey.
Brandon: And I also have advantage on strength, checks, and saving throws and all my weapons deal an extra one D4 damage.
Eric: Nice.
Brandon: So I would love to just— I don't need to pick up the tree. I just need to like, "Ehh."
Eric: Yeah.
Brandon: You know?
Eric: It's pretty big. I'm gonna need a 20.
Brandon: A 20?
Eric: Yeah.
Amanda: What's your old man strength?
Brandon: It's not good, Amanda.
Eric: I'll let you do athletics.
Brandon: Okay, that's bad— I mean, that's good, sorry. What? I said the opposite of the thing.
Eric: It's still pretty big, but I'm looking for a 20. You can hit the 20 easier, but the number is still 20.
Brandon: Okay, that's fair. All right. So I have a plus 4 athletics, I had a minus 1 strength, so that's much better.
Eric: Okay.
Amanda: Great.
Brandon: So plus 4 athletics, [dice roll] first roll, was an 18.
Eric: What?
Brandon: So that's a 22, motherfucker.
Eric: All right, yeah. Fuck me and— all right. I'll just take your advantage and smoke it, apparently.
Brandon: Yep. So Umbi runs up to Troy, downing this potion, and starts to grow like a werewolf and says—
Brandon (as Umbi): Troy, I'm here to help you.
Amanda (as Troy): I don't believe it based on your tone, but I need all the help I could get.
Brandon (as Umbi): Watch this. Raaa!
Brandon: And I lift the tree just enough for Troy to get out.
Eric: Just enough to slide out.
Amanda: For him to roll out.
Eric: Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Amanda: Oh, boy, Troy is, like, there, panting and like, struggles to his feet. The key's still strapped to his back, and puts his arm around his gigantic crewmate to limp toward the locks.
Brandon: What? He's not even that big. He's just, like, six feet, seven feet tall.
Amanda: Bigger than before.
Brandon: No, he's like 15. He's 15 or something like that.
Eric: That's very funny.
Amanda (as Troy): You're like Archie-sized, whoa.
Brandon (as Umbi): Let's go.
Brandon: This is not his voice. He's putting this on, just for clarity.
Amanda (as Troy): Is that what you look like as a young man?
Brandon (as Umbi): No.
Eric: All right, Troy, you want to use your last point to get over there?
Amanda: Yeah.
Eric: All right. So now Troy has used three action points, Umbi has two, and now, it is Cammie's turn. Cammie, you have seen Di try to stealthily get her way over to one of the locks.
Julia: Hmm.
Amanda: Point of order, Troy's going to retract and bring the Dilly Dagger with him as he rolls out.
Eric: Yeah, I figured.
Amanda: Just to say.
Brandon: Point of order. I am now 10 by 10 feet, and Umbi is super hot. So, like, when the audience looks at him and Troy, they're like, "Which one is the hot one?"
Amanda: Two hot men.
Eric: You're 10 by 10 feet. You're a square?
Amanda: Yeah, pawpaw shape.
Eric: Like someone has tried to stretch you out on Photoshop, but did a bad job.
Amanda: Uh-hmm.
Brandon: Well, Eric, your wingspan is about your height, I think, so that makes sense, right?
Amanda: Uh-hmm.
Brandon: So, yeah.
Eric: No, I get it, but I just find it very funny that you said, "Well, now, I'm 10 by 10, so—"
Brandon: Well before I was five by five, so I was already a square.
Amanda: Point of order, I like Julia's sweatshirt.
Julia: Thank you.
Brandon: Point of order, I do, too.
Amanda: Point of order, I'm hungry.
Julia: It's a little sweater.
Amanda: Point of order, I love you.
Brandon: Point of order, Eric avoided saying which one was hotter.
Amanda: Uh-hmm.
Brandon: So I'm gonna need him to choose.
Eric: I have to choose who's hotter?
Amanda: Eric, fuck, marry, kill your co-workers.
Brandon: Yeah. Your—
Amanda: You're already married to one.
Brandon: No, your D&D PCs, not your co-workers.
Julia: Please don’t.
Eric: Umbi has already— canonically, already cheated on me, so I'll kill Umbi.
Julia: That's fair. That's fair.
Brandon: So you're saying he's the hot one?
Eric: I marry Cambie and I fuck Troy, yeah.
Amanda: That's the right choice.
Julia: He's trying to pick things, but a lot of this stuff is concentration. I need to hold concentrate, so—
Eric: So you have to hold a concentration. That's right.
Amanda: Yeah.
Julia: There was one here that I thought would be kind of fun. Let me see, E, F—
Brandon: Is polymorph concentration? Is that what you're saying?
Julia: Yes, polymorph is concentration.
Brandon: Oh, well, then, you can't do anything.
Julia: I can do things, as long as they are not spells that also require concentration.
Eric: Yeah. And can— you can also do cantrips at the same time.
Brandon: Oh. I don't understand how concentration works. No one does.
Julia: I do.
Eric: It's not—
Julia: I understand.
Eric: It's not good.
Amanda: It's like stealth. It's impossible to know.
Julia: I mean, did Umbi just let die do what she wants with the locks? I don't think that's the right course of action, but—
Eric: Whatever you want to do.
Julia: — I mean.
Eric: You have the choice. Unfortunately, you don't have any of the keys, so—
Julia: Yeah.
Amanda: Di opening a lock is not bad for us. Di getting in first after we open all the locks is.
Julia: Okay.
Brandon: She also might try to destroy the locks or something, yeah.
Amanda: That's true.
Julia: That'd be crazy.
Brandon: Or jam them with something, because she doesn't want us to get in there.
Julia: It's another 10— fucking concentration rules are killing me right now.
Eric: Hey, you're the one who turned my big bad into a crab. I don't feel bad for you.
Julia: I stand by it!
Amanda: This is like the thing where the arc of evolution bends toward crab.
Brandon: That's true.
Julia: Yeah.
Amanda: Love your big bad.
Eric: Hmm.
Amanda: Big crab.
Brandon: Big crab.
Amanda: Oh, shit, guys, we knew all along.
Brandon: Point of order, Eric, I need to find my hot potato back at some point.
Eric: Yeah. Yeah, you got to find a hot potato. Canonically, it's somewhere just in the water.
Brandon: Yeah.
Eric: Like you lost your wedding ring on the beach.
Brandon: I'm gonna be easy, because the water around is gonna be boiling, so maybe I'm not gonna find it, but— you know?
Julia: Oh. That could be fun. All right. Cammie is gonna, like, I think, run after Di.
Eric: Sure.
Julia: And I just— I want to make a melee spell attack against Di.
Eric: Sure.
Brandon: Whoa. What? A what?
Julia: A melee spell attack.
Brandon: What is that?
Eric: Yeah, what are you doing?
Julia: I'm trying to cast a spell that requires me to do a hit.
Eric: No, I like that. So she's running up. She just went from two action points to three. She's, like, just coming up on the locks.
Julia: Uh-hmm.
Eric: She also wants to stay hidden for as long as possible, so she's not looking at you when you run up on her.
Julia: Cool. So Cammie is going to try to touch her.
Eric: And she's like, "Hey." [dice roll] "Hey, stop."
Brandon: "Hey, don't."
Eric: "Hey, don't."
Brandon "Hey, no."
Julia: So that's gonna be—
Eric: Are you gonna hit her with the crab?
Julia: No, I'm not gonna hit her with the crab. It's gonna be a 17 plus 8.
Eric: I mean, that definitely hits, for sure.
Julia: Excellent.
Eric: What are you doing?
Brandon: That's large.
Julia: I am casting the spell contagion.
Brandon: Oh, shit. Like that movie?
Eric: Oh, my God.
Amanda: This space has held two to three pandemics.
Julia: I'm trying to decide which one I think.
Eric: Yeah, I know the spell.
Julia: if I do the constitution one on her, then she gets disadvantage on the constitution one, which is kind of helpful. And I don't think her con is that good.
Eric: Oh, yeah, that one's pretty good.
Julia: I think that's what I'm gonna do.
Eric: God, you have this? Jesus Christ.
Julia: Yeah. So, basically, I can fuck up any one of her stats. It could be like strength, dexterity.
Amanda: Hell yeah.
Julia: Constitution, intelligence. And I'm tempted to do dexterity, because I know it's her best one.
Eric: Uh-hmm.
Julia: But I also—
Brandon: Yeah.
Amanda: But how are we gonna take her down?
Julia: Yeah. The constitution, in addition to getting disadvantage on constitution checks and constitution saving throws, whenever the creature takes damage, it is stunned until the end of its next turn. What are we feeling, though? Constitution disadvantage? Do we want to do dexterity disadvantage?
Eric: I think it sucks for me if you can just flick me and then I'm stunned.
Julia: Yeah. All right, slimy doom it is, which is the creature begins to bleed uncontrollably. The creature has disadvantage on constitution checks and constitution saving throws. In addition, whenever the creature takes damage, it is stunned until the end of its next turn.
Amanda: The slime is blood?
Brandon: Uh-hmm.
Julia: The slime is blood.
Amanda: Ugh.
Brandon: And you're incapacitated, which means you can't take any action, bonus action, or reaction.
Amanda: Oh, shit.
Brandon: And you can't speak. Haha.
Julia: Yeah, you're poisoned.
Eric: Jesus Christ. Well, that is a fifth level spell for you.
Julia: Yep.
Amanda: Wow.
Eric: Okay. Here's how this works. I am now poisoned.
Julia: Yes.
Eric: Once it's my turn again, I get to say roll constitution saving throws.
Julia: Correct.
Eric: Which when being poisoned, I get disadvantage on stuff anyway.
Julia: Yes.
Eric: If I fail any of these saves, I now have the slimy doom disease.
Julia: Uh-huh.
Eric: Which will give me disadvantage on constitution checks and constitution saving throws, and I'll be stunned.
Julia: Yes.
Eric: If I take any damage.
Julia: Correct.
Brandon: Oh, so you have to fail also?
Eric: I gotta fail. So these are gonna happen in a row. I'll keep track of this.
Julia: Yeah.
Eric: Don't worry about it.
Julia: Okay.
Eric: So what is— tell me what this looks like to me. So you run up and go, "Whap." And then what?
Julia: So we haven't talked about Cammie's blight in a really long time.
Eric: True.
Julia: But that is the, like, signature that shows that Cammie is cursed. And I like the idea of the blight coming down from the side of Cammie's face and crawling onto her arm.
Brandon: Oh.
Julia: And then onto her hand. And then Cammie goes—
Julia (as Cammie): Blap!
Julia: And then spreads all over DiAnnalyse.
Amanda: Incredible.
Brandon: That's gross. I love it.
Julia: Yeah.
Eric: It definitely, like, actively grows on her hand. Like it goes—
Julia: Uh-hmm.
Eric: —up her hand and then up her body, and she's like—
Eric (as Di): What are you doing? What are you doing to me? What is this gross?
Julia (as Cammie): Gross.
Eric (as Di): It's gross.
Brandon: I'm disgusting.
Eric (as Di): I'm disgusting!
Eric: That's so disgust— so gross. Okay.
Amanda: This fight is really fun. I'm really enjoying myself.
Eric: [dice roll] The zombie pirates are advancing. They are getting closer and closer to Umbi and Troy, but that's when you hear, "Ffffftt" and then,"Pffffff," as Gloria is piloting the speed boat—
Brandon: Fuck yeah.
Eric: —with a— just like a incredibly jank together, but overpowered motor on the back.
Brandon: Hell yeah.
Eric: And the Cervantes siblings spilling out of the side just— and just hitting as many zombie pirates as possible with pins, as Gloria salutes at Umbi and Troy, at Big Umbi and Troy and keeps the zombie pirates at bay for one turn.
Brandon (as Umbi): Thank you.
Julia (as Cammie): Good job.
Amanda (as Troy): I love you, all of you. You're my family now.
Eric (as Gloria): That's why I'm the best.
Eric: Okay. Rotten the Storm, the Exalted One is still a creep.
Julia: Yeah.
Amanda: Can you give us their inner monolog right now?
Eric (as Rotten the Storm): Yar, I'm stuck inside a crab.
Julia: I should have worn my crab sweater today.
Eric (as Rotten the Storm): I thought that when I merged with the lighting pirate queen, this wouldn't happen to me anymore.
Julia: This thing happens.
Eric: It is now Di's turn. I'm gonna make a constitution saving throw with disadvantage. What am I looking for?
Julia: Beat a 16.
Eric: Okay. [dice roll. Well, that's a Natural One. All right.
Julia: Cool.
Eric: I now have the terrible, slimy doom, which means that I have disadvantage on constitution checks and saving throws.
Julia: Yes.
Eric: And now, whenever I take damage, I'm stunned until the next turn.
Julia: Correct.
Brandon: Oh, you have to take damage first for that to happen?
Julia: Yeah.
Eric: I have to take damage first.
Brandon: Gotcha.
Julia: Easy enough.
Eric: And with the terrible, weird Cammie blight that's all over her, she still drags herself over to the one of the— to one of the locks. I think she's just kind of curling herself around it.
Brandon: That's so sad.
Julia: Aw.
Eric: It's like—
Eric (as Di): No, you're not gonna get any here. You're not, you're not.
Eric: It is now the players turn. Umbi, you— Troy is now there. You've used three action points. Cammie, you have three action points. Umbi, you have— you used two action points, so you can use one more, and then you can get there with everybody else. So Troy is three, Cammie is three, Umbi is two.
Brandon: Well, obviously, I'm gonna boomphed over there with a teleportation bomb, of course.
Eric: Great.
Amanda: Skree!
Eric: Umbi now has three. All of you are there. Umbi, you can't do an action this turn, but you are around everyone else, if stuff needs to happen.
Brandon (as Umbi): Hey, I'm around if stuff needs to happen, I'm here.
Amanda (as Troy): Cammie, how should we go about this?
Julia (as Cammie): You do the keys. I need to damage your sister.
Amanda (as Troy): Great.
Amanda: And Troy is going to unfurl the package on his back and take out the, let's say, the Key with a Maze, and stick it into a lock, keeping the Key with a Gaze cradled in his arms.
Eric: Etch around the lock for the Key with a Maze. There's a really intricate riddle in that— in sonnet stanza—
Amanda: Wow.
Eric: —format that ends with something about growth and crops and reaping what you sow.
Brandon: Beautiful.
Eric: Yeah. We'll put it in a post.
Julia: Grow and sow.
Brandon: Yeah.
Julia: It rhymes with grow and sow.
Eric: Grow and sow, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Amanda: Seed and weep.
Eric: it's an Italian sonnet, too. Oh, good one. Nice. Hell yeah. Two of the four locks are unlocked.
Brandon: Wee!
Eric: Cammie, what are you doing?
Julia: Cammie's gonna shoot DiAnnalyse with Eye of Anubis.
Amanda: Hey, what the hell is that?
Eric: What is that?
Julia: Oh, I haven't used that since like, the first arc, but it is a cantrip. A beam of moonlight streaks from your left eye towards a creature within range. Make a range spell attack against the target. On a hit, the target takes 1 D8 necrotic damage and can't take the disengage action until the end of your next turn.
Eric: Good one.
Julia: The spell creates an additional beam and deals more damage at higher levels. What is relevant to us is that my first beam is at 2D8 and the second beam is at 1D8.
Eric: Oh, okay. Well, do— yeah, do two attacks.
Julia: [dice roll] That's a NAT 20.
Eric: Okay, there you go.
Brandon: That's good.
Julia: [dice roll] And then an 18 plus 8, 26.
Eric: Ouch, ouch.
Brandon: Also good.
Julia: So let's do by 2— do I— when I crit on a spell—
Eric: Sure.
Julia: —do I get to do 4D8 then?
Eric: Yeah, I think so, because it's a melee attack.
Julia: All right, so it's going to be 5D8 is what the spell is going to be.
Eric: Cool.
Amanda: Okay.
Julia: [dice roll] 8. [dice roll] 3. [dice roll] 4. [dice roll] 2. [dice roll] 8 again.
Amanda: 17 plus 8 is 25.
Julia: 25 damage.
Eric: All right. 25 points of Cammie damage.
Julia: Necrotic damage, yeah.
Eric (as Di): Aaaaah.
Julia: Well, she can't make that noise. She's stunned until her— the end of her next turn.
Eric: She can be stunned— sorry, she doesn't even groan out loud. She's just stunned.
Julia: Sorry, it says you can speak only falteringly, so you can do that.
Eric: That was falteringly.
Julia: Yeah.
Eric: All right, yeah.
Amanda: Nailed it.
Eric: She's still trying to— she's trying to get a lock picked out of her pocket.
Julia: Can't move.
Eric: Scatters everywhere.
Brandon: So sad.
Eric: All right.
Julia: Oh, also, any attack rules against her have advantage now.
Eric: All right. Well, there you go. The zombie pirates are still storming forward. They are bearing down on you. They are not there yet, because Gloria kept them from step two.
Brandon: Gloria, Gloria.
Eric: But now they are at two, coming ever, ever closer. I need to emphasize, the crowd, the various crews and zombies and all of the Greenfolk, I need to emphasize all of the Greenfolk over the entire length of this campaign that Audrey the Rotten Queen and now the Rotten Key has amassed, and the 10, 20, 30 crews of pirates that are charging towards their captain, who is now a creep in Cammie's hands. The swaths of zombie pirates storming towards you. Someone is holding a jar with a dandelion inside, going—
Eric (as Radbert) Get 'em. Let's get them.
Eric: There is the zombie angler fish from Eska Island is swimming through this whole time. Like—
Julia: Good to see them.
Brandon: Cool.
Eric: —so many random people that fell into the water and died and then were resurrected as zombies from when the Bullseye Games stadium fell apart.
Amanda: Oh, that's right.
Brandon: Whoops.
Julia: Oh, yeah.
Eric: So many of your co-workers and compatriots from the pirate meeting, they are just running as fast they can at Cammie.
Brandon: Is the fancy guy— is the fancy boy a zombie?
Julia: No, he didn't turn into a zombie.
Eric: No, he didn't turn into a zombie.
Amanda: No, he didn't die.
Brandon: Oh, okay. Okay, good. They're—
Amanda: No, they're okay.
Eric: No, they're fine.
Brandon: Hoo.
Eric: It is now back to your turn. What would you all like to do?
Julia (as Cammie): More locks, more keys.
Brandon: Umbi is going to take out his hand and, like an anime, thrust it in the air and go—
Brandon (as Umbi): Ahh!
Brandon: And then thrust it into the lock and go—
Brandon (as Umbi): Ahh!
Amanda: And Troy will stick his former best friend, the Key with a Gaze into the final lock.
Eric: There's something about the Key with a Gaze being alive and what's more alive than choosing— than being given life when you didn't know that you were going to have it, so you don't take it for granted.
Amanda: Oh.
Eric: And there was something about hurting yourself for the betterment of everyone else.
Amanda: Uh-hmm.
Eric: But I— it smudged. I can't really read it.
Julia: Did it say something like, "Pain, gain? No pain, no gain?" Or—
Eric: Yeah, that's probably rhymed, yeah. It sounds better in the Italian.
Julia: Hmm.
Amanda: Hmm.
Julia: Pain, gain.
Brandon: Importantly, is the one that Troy is doing, the one that Di is curled up around?
Eric: Oh, yeah, Troy, yeah, yeah. The one that— the one with the Key with Gaze is the one that Di is curled up around.
Amanda: Great. Troy is just gonna stick the key into the lock regardless.
Eric: Just push her— just push her inside.
Amanda: And then put his foot probably, like, on her neck.
Julia (as Cammie): Do a little pain so she stays stunned.
Amanda: Yeah. No, Troy will, like, press down on her neck.
Eric: [thuds] Each of the four locks fall and the chains sloth off of the Salmon's portal.
Brandon (as Umbi):It's happening, guys. It's happening.
Eric: It is welcoming in blue and clear like the sea on a bright, sunny day. All you gotta do is step through.
Brandon (as Umbi): Let's go! Let's go, let's go, let's go.
Julia (as Cammie): Should I bring in the crab?
Brandon (as Umbi): No!
Julia (as Cammie): Why?
Brandon (as Umbi): Punt it. Punt it.
Amanda (as Troy): Crush it.
Julia (as Cammie): If I punt it, it'll just go back to being the scary thing.
Brandon (as Umbi): Crush it!
Amanda (as Troy): Can we close the door behind us?
Julia (as Cammie): Can we close the door behind us?
Brandon (as Umbi): I don't know.
Eric: I don't know.
Brandon (as Umbi): Let's go!
Julia: Can I do an arcana check, see if we can close the door behind us?
Brandon (as Umbi): There's no time, Julia. Let's go.
Amanda: Yeah. Or else this— or else our whole wave of enemies are going to follow us.
Julia: [dice roll] 22.
Eric: I think if you're going to go see the Salmon, it's a kind of a one group at a time sort of thing.
Julia (as Cammie): Gotcha. Makes sense.
Julia: Cammie yeets the crab and jumps in the boil.
Amanda: And then I think we grab hands and step together through the portal.
Eric: You step through the portal into the shimmering, welcoming blue, blue light, and you hear the sound of a shell cracking as the Captain Rotten Key Storm bursts back to life, and then it disappears behind you. And you are wading into a deep, quiet lake, a lagoon, a secret water hole only for you, and of course, for the Salmon, who is just a fish, not a flower fish, not a plant fish, just a Salmon that's diving up and down and up and down in its own nice pool.
Eric (as the Salmon): Oh, hi. You found me.
Julia (as Cammie): I don't know what I'm looking at here.
Amanda (as Troy): Are you missing a part?
Brandon (as Umbi): You're beautiful.
Eric (as the Salmon): You were supposed to check in with the blackberry dragon, but it's probably for the best that they're no longer on duty. I guess you're here for the wishes, huh?
Brandon (as Umbi): We get more than one?
Eric (as the Salmon): Well, each of you get one.
Julia (as Cammie): Oh.
Amanda: Troy falls to his knees.
Amanda (as Troy): Thank you, oh, merciful Salmon.
Eric (as the Salmon): It's just Salmon.
Amanda (as Troy): We have some questions.
[theme]