Enjoy this one-shot set in the Camp-Paign from the Rolling Bones tour in our nation’s capital! This is also the show that Eric’s mom saw, so you can feel closer to her.
If you want to see and hear the rest of the Rolling Bones live shows, check out the VODs HERE!
Sponsors
- United by Blue, creators of sustainable apparel and outdoor gear. Use code jointheparty for 20% off at https://unitedbyblue.com
- Shaker & Spoon, where you can $20 off your first box at shakerandspoon.com/jointheparty
Find Us Online
- website: https://jointhepartypod.com
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- tumblr: https://jointhepartypod.tumblr.com
- facebook: https://facebook.com/jointhepartypod
- merch & music: http://jointhepartypod.com/merch
Cast & Crew
- Game Master, Co-Producer: Eric Silver
- Co-Host (Umbi), Co-Producer, Sound Designer, Composer: Brandon Grugle
- Co-Host (Chamomile Cassis), Co-Producer: Julia Schifini
- Co-Host (Troy Riptide), Co-Producer: Amanda McLoughlin
- Theme Song: Lyrics by Eric Silver, music by Brandon Grugle. Vocals by Brandon Grugle, Lauren Shippen, Julia Schifini, Roux Bedrosian, Eric Silver, Tyler Silver, and Amanda McLoughlin. Available for purchase here.
- Artwork: Allyson Wakeman
- Multitude: https://multitude.productions
About Us
Join the Party is an actual play podcast with tangible worlds, genre-pushing storytelling, and collaborators who make each other laugh each week. We welcome everyone to the table, from longtime players to folks who’ve never touched a roleplaying game before. Hop into our current campaign, a pirate story set in a world of plant- and bug-folk, or marathon our completed stories with the Camp-Paign, a MOTW game set in a weird summer camp, Campaign 2 for a modern superhero game, and Campaign 1 for a high fantasy story. And once a month we release the Afterparty, where we answer your questions about the show and how we play the game. New episodes every Tuesday.
Transcript
Amanda: Hey, everybody, it's Amanda. Eric and I are here in a hotel room at a podcast conference. Say hi, Eric.
Eric: Woo.
Amanda: After spending the last two weeks very sick and then traveling, and now working, and next, finally, on an international family vacation that we've been planning for two years. Today, we are bringing you a banger of a live show from earlier this year, because Eric and I got so sick that we, for the first time in 7 years of making this podcast, got behind on our production schedule. We hope that this live show means it's still a good Tuesday for you, and it's an especially fitting live show because this is from the Camp-Paign, which I know many of you have been re-listening to here in the dog days of summer. If you haven't listened to it yet, highly recommend. It's marked as Season Three in your podcast app. It's just 20 episodes, Monster of the Week. It is so much fun.
Eric: Woo.
Amanda: So here's the schedule for the next little while. Next week, we are going to do an Afterparty all about the two very chunky episodes we've just released, 51 and 52. Then the week after, we are back at it with a brand-new episode of Campaign Three, it's episode 53, which I know you are going to love. We're also starting to work on what comes next after Campaign Three. I know, I can't believe it. And let me tell you, I can't wait. So thank you for your understanding. Enjoy the rest of your summer for all of us here in the Northern Hemisphere, and good luck with the last little bit of winter for those of you in the Southern Hemisphere. And hey, enjoy the live show.
[theme]
Amanda: It's Join the Party live!
Crowd: [cheers]
Julia: Oh, we're also doing the Camp-Paign, so we gotta also go, huh!
Eric: Huh!
Amanda: Huh!
Julia: Huh!
Eric: [birds cawing]
Amanda: Those birds, those birds.
Brandon: Those are the crows on my roof.
Amanda: Queer people be like those crows at the end of the Camp-Paign—
Julia: Wait—
Amanda: —theme song saved my life. That's me.
Julia: Brandon, is that real?
Brandon: No.
Julia: Oh, I wish you had said it was.
Brandon: Yes! Yes!
Julia: I got so excited.
Brandon: It is real. I let the audience down. I felt so bad.
Eric: We— we need TMZ to be like, "Local podcaster, Brandon Grugle, trying to record the crows outside of his room."
Brandon: Yeah.
Julia: Yeah.
Eric: Yeah, that's just what happened.
Julia: No, that's—
Eric: Incredible. Welcome to Join the Party!
Julia: Woo!
Crowd: [cheers]
Eric: Folks, we have done six one shots in six cities across this great nation. Luckily, we're here at the Capitol with the big— with the big man sitting down and the big statue that goes all the way up.
Julia: Uh-huh.
Amanda: Pencil building.
Brandon: Eric, I'm— I'm concerned you don't know the names of any monuments.
Eric: And that house that's like, I don't know, taupe. I don't know.
Brandon: Eggshell.
Julia: Ivory.
Eric: It's white— it's ivory, it's off-white. I don't know. I can't— I can't get there.
Brandon: Can't quite get there.
Eric: No, can't get there. And we have done one shots from Campaign One and Campaign Two and Campaign Three. And it has been lovely to return to those places. And also, you know, let us loose— let you guys loose out on Campaign Three in the Great Salt Sea. But we haven't done one that we've saved just for you here in Washington, DC. We're going back to camp, folks.
Julia: Woo.
Crowd: [cheers]
Julia: Because what's that?
Amanda: I would die—
Julia: For Camp Di!
Brandon: I would die—
[Crowd]: For Camp Di!
Amanda: Yeah.
Brandon: Fuck yeah.
Amanda: It's so good.
Julia: This is cool.
Eric: This is— this is colon, A Camp Diogenes Story.
Amanda: Yes.
Eric: Hell yeah. We're going to the Camp-Paign. Though it might not be somewhere that you remember, so don't worry. You'll— you'll— if you don't know what's going on, you'll know what's going on just in— just in a second. Are you all ready? We're all ready?
Julia: Yeah.
Brandon: I'm so fucking ready, Eric.
Julia: Oh, bro.
Eric: Amanda, you're wearing a backwards hat, and it's intimidating me.
Amanda: I'm— I'm already in character.
Eric: Okay, great. Great, great, great.
Amanda: Yeah. Let's get on with the show.
Julia: Yeah.
Eric: Great. Fog rolls in over the lush forest. Thanks for the sound of fog. Someone turned on the fog machine.
Brandon: Pssh, pssh, pssh, pssh, pssh, pssh, pssh, pssh, pssh, pssh, pssh, pssh, pssh, pssh.
Eric: And— and the sun climbs into the sky. The sun looming large.
Brandon: Heat, heat.
Eric: It's hot.
Brandon: Heat. Okay, I'll stop, I'll stop, I'll stop, I'll stop.
Eric: No, it's good.
Brandon: I'll stop.
Eric: Brandon, turn off the soundboard. It's distracting.
Amanda: Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Eric: It looms large and hot, but it's a— it's a warm heat. It's not too hot, it's not like it's summer. It's like— it's the same temperature at all times, the balmy 74, which would be the perfect— with the perfect temperature for animals to frolic, and live, and work, and play. Of course, we're not playing today, because something important is happening. Over the horizon, you see an army is stomping forward. Then they're— in your battle— in their battlements organized— organized into little— into little groups. In fact, the groups that they're organized are by animal. There is a standing— there is a standing troop of otters that has their ba— their otter battlements on.
Brandon: Oh, so cute.
Eric: There are rabbits hopping forward, each of them holding a musket with like a bayonet on the end. There are foxes darting in and out of the tall brush, looking, scoping, sneaking, you might— you might say. In fact, it's being wrangled by the generals that are riding on— that are lar— riding on large beasts. They have deep relations— that they have deep relationships with. And we look up and we see— we look up as the sun settles and the— and the shadows get out of— move out of the way. We see— we see the weathered faces of these generals.
Amanda: Hmm.
Julia: Yeah.
Eric: It might be characters that you realize, because this is the weathered, older face of Phoebe, Les, and Carrie-Anne. It has been five years since you have been sucked into the cursed book of Aesop's Fables, and you have been fighting your way out of this fantasy world where everything and everyone, every animal wants to teach you a goddamn lesson. I don't care what the morals are, give me a sandwich!
Amanda: Yeah.
Eric: But finally, the crows have told you that something different has— something different has blossomed in— well, maybe you should think about your friends more, fields.
Amanda: Not me. I— I got best friends that are nice to me.
Eric: Yeah. And you have wrang— you have wrangled your armies together, and you are ready to fight back and get back to camp.
Amanda: [screams]
Eric: Incredible. Let's— this is Party in Judgement: The Camp-Paign: Let me out of this Aesop's Fables book.
Crowd: [cheers]
Brandon: Well, Eric, first things first, I would like—
Eric: Hold— hold on. Wait, let me introduce you first before you ruin my shit.
Brandon: Okay.
Eric: So here's the premise, y'all have been sucked into these Aesop's Fables Book. I think you've been doing like a Narnia situation, where it's like you're pulled in and you are aging. You're five years older than you were during the Camp-Paign, but then—
Amanda: I'm gonna be so popular in high school. They won't know what hit them.
Brandon: Yes. Yeah. Yeah. Uh-huh.
Eric: But that also means— I assume that you've all— while you were going to parties, I was sucked into Aesop's Fables and studying the blade, right?
Amanda: Yes.
Brandon: Yeah.
Amanda: Yes.
Eric: So luckily, all of our PCs tonight are going to be level 15.
Brandon: What up?
Eric: Also, we're playing Dungeons & Dragons, because it's a fantasy world, so we're playing Dungeons & Dragons, you see?
Julia: Yeah, yeah.
Amanda: Yeah.
Eric: Hell yeah. Let's in— let's introduce ourselves, please. I know you're gonna be bubbling with energy, Amanda, so I'm gonna come to you last.
Amanda: Okay.
Eric: Unless you wanna go first. I don't know.
Amanda: Carrie-Ann loves to go last.
Eric: Carrie-Ann loves letting everyone remember her last. Julia Schifini, who are you playing? And tell me what they've been doing for the last five years.
Julia (as Phoebe): I'm playing Phoebe. Phoebe's voice has not gone through puberty yet, so it just kind of sounds like this still, because I was trying really hard to remember what my character voice was. And Phoebe has really, I think, been thriving in this magical world. This is what she was meant to do. Like, when she thought she was a chosen one, it was really like she— this was what she was planning on the whole time. And so, like, she has really been kind of trying to, like, really embrace, like, "Oh, yeah, I was supposed to be taken to a magical world." And so you see Phoebe kind of riding across the field on top of, like, a silver bear?
Eric: Hell yeah.
Julia (as Phoebe): He's right there.
Eric: Oh, there he is.
Julia: It was originally gonna be a dire wolf, and then Eric put the bear behind me like, "Oh, no, it's a bear now."
Amanda: Yeah.
Eric (as Veronica): Oh, it seems to be only a little while further, miss.
Julia: Yeah.
Julia (as Phoebe): Thank you, Harold.
Eric (as Veronica): Okay.
Julia (as Phoebe): Oh, sorry. Thank you, Veronica.
Brandon: There we go. That's good.
Eric: No, that's better.
Julia: Yeah.
Eric (as Veronica): Oh, absolutely, miss. I would die by your side.
Julia (as Phoebe): Thank you.
Eric: And because we're playing Dungeons & Dragons instead of Monster of the Week as we usually do, what is Phoebe's class here?
Julia: So Phoebe is a sorcerer, but the subclass of sorcerer that Phoebe is, is from Valda's Spire of Secrets.
Eric: Hmm.
Julia: And it's the— the natural soul, which is basically, I have a animal companion who is bonded to my soul, and I get cool spells that are both sorcerer and druid spells.
Eric: That's terrifying.
Brandon: That's tight.
Julia: Yeah.
Eric: Uh-oh. Incredible.
Julia: You have no idea what's coming for you.
Eric: I'm— I— let's see. I don't know. Let's figure it out.
Julia: I don't know.
Eric: Brandon Grugle, who are you playing tonight, and what is that guy been doing for the last five years?
Brandon (as Les): Hello. This is Les. I have also not done this voice in 100 years. Let's see if I can do it. I mostly have been searching this town, land, place, where we are—
Eric: Yeah.
Brandon (as Les): —for clues, myths, legends, writing them down in this book that I have and sort of archiving them, you might say.
Eric: Yeah. Are you the one writing down all the morals? You're like, "Oh, yeah. This is the one where you're not supposed to fall for flattery. Got it.” And you write it down.
Brandon: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. So, yeah.
Eric: So you're— you're the one, like, really just trying to find your way out?
Brandon: More like— like, archiving this. It— like— like Lewis and Clark.
Eric: Sure, sure.
Brandon: Going across the great country of ours.
Julia: I think you're—
Eric: Not knowing anything going on in the land, just writing it down.
Brandon: Yup.
Eric: Letting the woman lead you to where you're supposed to go.
Brandon: Uh-huh.
Eric: Incredible.
Julia: Vaguely less colonial, hopefully.
Brandon: Yeah. Yeah. So I have an investigator class, also from Valda's—
Eric: Incredible.
Brandon: —Spire of secrets and—
Eric: You all should buy it, and tell Mage Hand Mike sent you—
Brandon: Yeah, that's good.
Eric: Tell Mage Hand Mike we sent you.
Julia: Yeah.
Brandon: Yes.
Eric: He loves it. He thinks it's very funny.
Julia: It's so good.
Eric: Valda's is incredible.
Brandon: Yeah. And my subclass is archivist, so sort of like—
Eric: Oh, yeah.
Brandon: —the Giles almost, character-ish.
Eric: Cool.
Brandon: So, yeah, we'll—we'll see some cool shit I got, but—
Eric: So investigator just means like you have cool stuff that lets you do magic because of the cool stuff you have, is that correct?
Julia: 'Cause he found cool stuff.
Eric: 'Cause you found cool stuff here.
Amanda: Hmm.
Brandon: Yeah. Like— like, cool words, like I found a lot of cool words and stuff, and I wrote them in a book, and then I got to say them.
Eric: Oh, are you gonna fustro dah?
Brandon: Yeah.
Eric: Hell yeah, dude.
Brandon: Yeah.
Julia: Hmm.
Eric: I love that. Let's do it. And, oh, Jesus Christ. Amanda McLoughlin, who are you playing? And what have you been doing for the last five years?
Amanda (as Carrie-Ann): I am General Carrie-Ann Price.
Julia: I didn't think to give myself a military class, but I love it.
Brandon (as Les): I didn't— I didn't vote— I didn't vote for that, either.
Amanda (as Carrie-Ann): I'm a four star general. The four stars are C-A-M-P. My initials spell camp, my goal is camp, and nothing will stop me from reuniting with camp. This is the trial. This is the moment. I am the person who is ready to take on this magical side adventure that is much longer than I thought it was going to be. I thought two to three weeks tops, and take over ownership of camp as I was meant to be.
Brandon: I feel like the camera really cuts really quickly over from this, like, drum music in the background to, like a— like a really pastoral field where Les is sitting under a tree, eating a berry, just like hanging out.
Julia: Yeah. I think he's like, "I think I could stay here forever."
Brandon: Yeah, yeah.
Eric: I like it—
Amanda: Carrie-Ann is like—
Amanda (as Carrie-Ann): —my life will not resume until I am
back at camp.
Eric: There's a really sleepy squirrel that's laying on Les'— that's laying on Les' head while he's eating berries. He, like, pops one up and puts it into the squirrel's mouth.
Julia: Yeah.
Brandon (as Les): I— I— I can't move, or the squirrel will awaken.
Brandon: I don't know why I sound like— like a—
Eric: You and the bear sound the same, yeah.
Brandon: Like the bear. Yeah, yeah.
Julia: I think— I think you sound like the bear.
Eric: Well, so before we— we— we talk about what your class is, are you riding in on anything or you would just walk?
Brandon: My feet?
Eric: Yeah.
Brandon: Okay. Yeah, yeah.
Eric: Okay. You walk? That's funny. You're a regal general. You walk like the common man.
Brandon: Yeah, I'm like the—
Amanda: Maybe Les is the flag bearer, because he's the tallest.
Julia: Uh-hmm.
Brandon: Oh, yeah. I like that, yeah. Or foot soldier, yeah, yeah. A foot soldier with a flag.
Eric: I like that.
Brandon: What's our flag, Amanda?
Amanda: Well, it's the logo of Camp Diogenes, but we have had to render it with kind of, like, natural fibers in the world.
Julia: Berries, yeah.
Amanda: So there's kind of, like, berries and like leaves and different things, and we have to replace it every few days.
Julia: Yeah.
Amanda: Like, we keep it pristine, and by we, I mean Carrie.
Julia: Yeah.
Brandon: Yeah. You have to replace every few days, because Les goes on there, like, draws butts and stuff.
Amanda: Yeah.
Eric: It's like, "No, we—we have to do so much new burlap now, Goddammit."
Amanda: Yes. people
Eric: "I gotta kill some more animals for hides. Shit." And Carrie-Ann—
Julia: Those are people.
Eric: —can you— can you tell me what you're riding in on, and therefore, what your class is?
Amanda (as Carrie-Ann): Oh, I'm riding in on a horse, what is my loyal steed. Because I have taken the class of Paladin. And I am, of course, the oath of devotion to camp. What else could I be?
Brandon: Pretty good, pretty good.
Eric: I— I do love that every day you do the fine steed spell.
Amanda: Yes.
Eric: And then you just immediately are riding the magical horse the entire time.
Amanda: And I find her and her name is Camp. It is very confusing. Yes.
Brandon: I— I feel like I missed the meeting where we decided that you would come in on a bear and you would come in on a horse, and I was—
Amanda: Yeah.
Brandon: —walking with a flag.
Julia: To be fair, my bear is built-in.
Eric: Yeah.
Brandon: That's not better, Julia.
Julia: And Amanda's horse is also built-in.
Amanda: Yeah.
Julia: I'm sorry, you didn't take a feature that gives you a cool horse.
Brandon: I'm just, like, four miles behind riding on a fucking book.
Julia: Phoebe offered to let you ride the bear, but you got weird about it.
Amanda: We tried to make a sidecar for the horse, but you offended her. What can we say?
Eric: Alright. You—
Julia: What did you to offend the horse?
Brandon: You do not want to know, Julia.
Amanda: Julia, he asked her some questions about her religion that she was not very happy about. She was like, "Don't exoticize me, because I'm a horse."
Eric: I'm agnostic. I follow the morals.
Amanda: Yeah.
Eric: Incredible, incredible. One person was like, "Hell yeah, dude, religious jokes."
Amanda: I know my crowd. I know my crowd.
Eric: Incredible. Incredible.
Brandon: Eric, before you get started—
Eric: Okay, please.
Brandon: —I want to cast a ritual.
Eric: Yeah.
Brandon: Now, I get— with my class, I get to cast a ritual as a spell, basically. I would like to—
Julia: It's why you're four miles behind.
Brandon: I was four miles behind, and I do— say some cool words and do some— this is why I'm behind, because I have to do really silly, like, footsteps and arm movements to do rituals.
Eric: Uh-hmm.
Brandon: And I'm gonna cast legend lore, and I get to—
Eric: Oh, yeah.
Brandon: —describe a place, which I'm going to describe this place.
Eric: Okay.
Brandon: And it brings to mind a brief summary of significant lore about the thing we named. It could consist of current tales, forgotten stories, or even secret lore.
Eric: Cool.
Brandon: And the information you learn is accurate, but could be couched in figurative language.
Eric: Great. Okay.
Amanda: I like that it's like DM, feel free--
Julia: Close his laptop.
Amanda: —feel free to be sassy.
Eric: Yeah. Sure. I'll do a bunch of lore about a one shot I did for a live show. Sure, why not? Well, I mean, the animals don't call this place anywhere, but I think that— as you all realized how many times by the last time you tried to put a plant, a goat, and a— and a fox in a boat together, and you had to figure out how to get the ball across. He's like, "Oh, this is Aeso— Aesop Land."
Julia: Yeah.
Eric: "It's Aesop Land." Of course, named after Aesop.
Julia (as Phoebe): Ca— can we just like— they could just go on the boat together, and then we tell the wolf, "Hey, don't eat the sheep." Like— like —
Eric (as Veronica): I can't— I can't change my nature. Sorry.
Amanda (as Carrie-Ann): See, if we—
Brandon (as Les): I also tried to sit on your bear and it— you tried to kill me, so—
Julia (as Phoebe): Veronica doesn't like being touched, and I feel everything she feels, which is weird.
Amanda (as Carrie-Ann): That's why I keep saying if we institute demerits, we can exert control over the land.
Julia (as Phoebe): Les, just because we hold hands sometimes, doesn't mean that you get to ride my bear.
Crowd: [cheers]
Brandon: Excuse me.
Eric: So, like, 50% of people got flashed back to a summer camp in 1993. Jesus. Oh, my God.
Julia: I'm blushing.
Eric: Yeah. Incredible. Incredible. Yeah. So the— I mean, these animals lived a bucolic life. I think this is very like Narnia, not as we get to Redwall, where they are people. But I think it's very similar to Narnia, how it's just like— they're just like here, and just like doing stuff. Like, they are not humanoid animals. They're animals that can land on their hind legs, and they all has— speak in common, which is great. But instead of Narnia, we're like, Aslan is Jesus?
Julia: Well, I was gonna say, is Veronica Jesus?
Eric: No, Veronica is not Jesus. No one is Jesus.
Julia: Damn.
Eric: There's just, like, five goats that represent five philosophers of ancient Greece.
Julia: Hell yeah. Yeah.
Brandon: Hell yeah. Hell yeah.
Amanda: Yeah.
Eric: Yeah. But— yeah. And it's bucolic. I mean, they like having humans here, it's fun. And sometimes people fall in and stuff. And they tell you about other humans that's come here. But, like, you know, no one stayed for a little while. Then, like, wherever they fell in, they found another door or, like, another opening, it's— another opening has came up. Like, they— or they walk into the wood one day, because they walked out of the wood another day, and then they just disappear. And they're like, "Oh, that was cool. I like those three weeks where we let that weirdo walk around. That was neat."
Brandon: Eric, very importantly, everyone else got out of here in three weeks, and it's taken us five years.
Eric: A hundred— yes. Yeah.
Julia: Because we're all adults.
Brandon (as Les): Where is my door!
Eric: Yes, e— yes, Brandon, exactly. That is no secret— that is no secret lore.
Julia: Interesting.
Eric: So they're like— the fact that everyone— you guys have been around for so long, they're like, "Yeah, we'll do what you want." And, like, you've mobilized these folks. It's like, "Oh, yeah." And they like you, and they think you're smart and cool. And you tell them stories about, like, a moose that had stuff growing out of it, and like the monsters you've seen. And they like you, and they follow you to wherever you go.
Julia: I also have a mechanical thing, why that's the case.
Eric: Sure.
Julia: Because my background is called the haunted one.
Eric: Sure.
Julia: 'Cause I have a heart of darkness where commoners help me, even if they're scared of me, and they will take up arms for me.
Eric: Alright.
Brandon: No, but Julia, what does your— what does your character have—
Julia: Yeah, no, sorry, that's just—
Brandon: Yeah, yeah.
Eric: I love the idea that, like, a grackle is— is flying a bacon, egg and cheese to you, but like— but like, there's berries in it as well.
Julia (as Phoebe): Oh, hey, Tony— oh, Tony, are those, those pickled blueberries that you were telling me about?
Eric (as Tony): Yeah, yeah. Phoebe, it's exactly what you like.
Julia (as Phoebe): Oh, thank you, Tony.
Eric (as Tony): I'm scared by your Heart of Darkness.
Julia (as Phoebe): I love you, too?
Eric: So they're mobile— they are mobilizing around you.
Julia: Cool.
Eric: So now, you are here in the field. I can't remember the name of the field I named it before.
Julia: Putting your friends before you.
Eric: Putting your friends before you and being selfless, because that's what's important about friends.
Amanda: Checking on your friends, yeah, yeah.
Eric: And you can check in— you can check in on your friends, even if they seem strong—
Amanda: Yeah.
Eric: —because they don't know what to say, field.
Brandon: Field. Did— did Carrie-Ann name this field or—
Eric: Yeah.
Amanda (as Carrie-Ann): Yes.
Brandon: Okay.
Amanda (as Carrie-Ann): You were at the dedication ceremony.
Brandon: Alright.
Eric: Yeah.
Amanda (as Carrie-Ann): My plaque is hung right there.
Julia: I was gonna say there's a plaque in everything.
Eric: It's on the tree.
Amanda: Fuck. Yes!
Eric: Yeah.
Brandon: The bu— a bust that made out of sticks of Carrie-Ann.
Eric: Yes, exactly.
Amanda: I replenish it every day.
Eric: I love this world-building, but please, let's move on. Please, please, please, please, please.
Julia: Yeah, yeah.
Brandon: Okay, okay, okay.
Julia: We have a plot we have to do.
Eric: So as we're walking forward, say, you feel a reverberation come across the field, first, it's low and you feel it just— adjust on your feet, it's like low—
Brandon: Do you feel that?
Eric: — rumbling. But then it starts to pick up like the wind, but it's coming in waves, almost.
Brandon: Oh.
Eric: It's like, "Woofff, woofff, woofff." And it's like throwing so— a lot of the animals behind you, the lighter animals, and they're feeling stronger and the wind is hot. It is warm. It is getting— making you sweat underneath your armor. And you see a figure in the distance, leaning against a door.
Brandon: Shit.
Eric: A o— a large oak door that is just kind of, like, stay— in the middle of a field, right? And there's a figure just kind of leaning on it, leaning on to the side, casual like. And you see his Hawaiian shirt is flapping in the breeze, and he tips down his sunglasses and say—
Eric (as Steven): Oh, hey, guys. I haven't seen you in so long. How's it going?
Eric: And Steven, the cursed skeleton picks up his— his hot summer magic, and throws a hot wind, a hot hurricane at everyone standing there, and it flies all the animals back. And unless the animals retreat, being like—
Eric (as Animal): I'm scared of Phoebe, but I'm more scared of the skeleton with heat magic. Let's go.
Eric: And everyone flees, except for the three of you— the three of you, your magical steed, and Veronica.
Brandon: I stand behind Carrie-Ann.
Julia: Correct.
Eric: Yeah.
Amanda: Yeah. Carrie-Ann holds up—
Julia: You're so much taller than her.
Amanda: —the— the bulky shield that is her weapon. She holds it up.
Julia: Cool. Yeah.
Brandon: Hell yeah.
Julia: Yeah.
Eric: Incredible.
Amanda: Eric—
Brandon: I thought you were gonna say it was hot skeleton summer for a second there.
Eric: It is hot skeleton summer.
Julia: It is. Damn right.
Eric: Hot skeleton summer.
Julia: Summer.
Amanda: Hot skelly, baby. Yeah, this is great.
Eric: Yeah.
Amanda: Eric, I'd love to use my protection feature as a—
Brandon: Ooh.
Amanda: —as paladin here.
Eric: Absolutely.
Amanda: So an attacker rolls with disadvantage if I'm standing next to one of my allies.
Eric: Oh, yeah, you can stand—
Amanda: So that applies to Steven.
Eric: You'll— oh, that include— that applies to Steven?
Amanda: If he wants to attack us.
Eric: Oh, yeah, yeah. No, 100%.
Amanda: Yeah.
Eric: Yeah. Yeah. You are— you have that cool shield feature.
Amanda: Yeah.
Eric: I love that you just have a shield. I need— I need everyone to know this. Can you tell everyone what your HP and your A— what your AC is?
Amanda: Oh, sure, yeah. No. So, my—
Brandon: Holy shit.
Amanda: —my armor class— my armor class is 21.
Julia: Jesus Christ.
Amanda: And again, I'm level 15, right? My hit points are 50.
Julia: Hey, Amanda, 59.
Brandon: What— what is wrong with you two?
Amanda: Great.
Eric: 50— 59, nice.
Amanda: Yes.
Eric: Like—
Eric (as Steven): Oh, hey. I didn't know— oh, this is so weird running into you here. I just decided to pop into the Aesop land sort of— sort of, you know, just to see what you guys were doing.
Brandon (as Les): Do you know how to get out of here?
Eric (as Steven): I do, it's through this door.
Brandon (as Les): Should we go through that door?
Eric (as Steven): No.
Brandon (as Les): Oh, shit. I thought that was gonna be the answer.
Eric (as Door): Steven, you do not speak for me the— for the deeper magics. Children, if you would like to speak, to walk through me, the magical door leading you through. What— I don't know, what's so funny? What's— what are you laughing at?
Brandon (as Les): Nothing, nothing, nothing.
Julia (as Phoebe): It's just a door.
Brandon (as Les): No, Phoebe—
Amanda (as Carrie-Ann): Respectfully, we did not expect a door to talk to us, but we are here to listen to you, oh, Great Door.
Julia (as Phoebe): Yeah, everything that's talked to us so far has been an animal and not, like, inanimate objects, which is kind of weird.
Brandon (as Les): Your molding is very nice.
Eric (as Door): Thank you.
Amanda (as Carrie-Ann): Your Moldingness.
Eric (as Door): Thank you.
Amanda (as Carrie-Ann): Excellent to meet you.
Eric (as Door): The— that is a moral, that flattery will get you everywhere.
Brandon: You got— hey, Eric, you got a really nice knob.
Eric (as Door): Child, know your place.
Julia: Whoa.
Amanda (as Carrie-Ann): Great, Great Door, I assume there are some, like, maybe challenges or riddles that we must complete to pass you.
Eric (as Door): Absolutely, Carrie-Ann. How did you know?
Brandon (as Les): Because Carrie Ann's been saying that to literally everyone we meet for the past 5 years.
Amanda (as Carrie-Ann): Every morning I wake up and say, do you have a riddle for me?
Brandon (as Les): The answer is always no.
Julia (as Phoebe): Yeah, it's— it's been five years, and apparently, everyone only does three weeks, so we kind of know the ropes at this point.
Eric (as Door): I'm not sure why it took me so long to arrive for you, but now that I'm here, you have to achieve my two challenges.
Brandon (as Les): Okay.
Julia (as Phoebe): I think probably because that motherfucker who's resting on you.
Eric (as Steven): Who, me?
Julia (as Phoebe): Yeah.
Eric: And Steven has assembled himself from like— in a pyramid, from, like, skull up.
Julia: Yeah.
Eric: Like an upside down pyramid just perched on his skull.
Julia: Yeah, yeah, that makes sense.
Brandon: What a little rascal.
Eric: Yeah. And he's balancing a watermelon, just like with his little feet up in the air. Be like—
Eric (as Steven): Well, I don't know what you're talking about. Yeah, do the challenges. These kids are great.
Eric (as Door): You— I will tell you the challenges and here they are.
Eric: Hello, hey, this is Eric Silver. Are you—
Brandon: Hey.
Julia: Hey, what's up?
Amanda: Hi, Eric.
Eric: Are you enjoying the world?
Amanda: It's really fun.
Eric: Do you like it?
Julia: Every time.
Brandon: This is my one character that doesn't break the fourth wall, so—
Amanda: Yay.
Eric: I like it. It's good. I love it. I love it. I like talking to Brandon and not Les. It's confusing.
Brandon: Yeah.
Eric: So here's how this works. We're gonna do these two challenges, right? The first is an individual challenge. Each of you need to do the same thing.
Brandon: Okay.
Eric: It's gonna— gonna be a group thing. The second is going to be a group project here. You need to do these two things and demonstrate that you know what you've been doing, but of course, Steven is not gonna make this easy. Alright?
Brandon: Now, I know this is not true for Amanda and us, but in world, Carrie-Ann would do the entire group project and we would not do anything.
Eric: That's true. That's true.
Brandon: Is that—?
Julia: I would want to, but my— my offers just kind of go dismiss.
Brandon: Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Julia: Yeah. Yeah.
Eric (as Door): Yeah. Yeah. No, all of you have to do stuff. I know, I can see it. I'm a door.
Julia: Got us.
Amanda (as Carrie-Ann): How did you know?
Eric (as Door): I wasn't talking to anyone in particular.
Amanda (as Carrie-Ann): Yeah, you were.
Eric: Steven's like—
Eric (as Steven): This one's the big nerd. He does that—
Brandon: Hey, Eric—
Eric (as Steven): —with no tongue, it's so gross.
Julia (as Phoebe): We're all big nerds.
Eric: Okay. Alright. Let— let's just hop into it, shall we?
Julia: Yeah.
Brandon: Yeah, yeah, yeah. Sure.
Julia: Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Eric: I love this. Okay.
Eric (as Door): So the— the first thing, you need to help this fox get some grapes.
Eric: And we look over and there's a little— there's a little fox guy who's just, like, sitting there—
Brandon: Oh, so cute.
Eric: —and there's a grape bramble that is kind of— that is high up. I know that usually grapes are in bushes or vines, right?
Amanda: They can be vines.
Brandon: Yeah, they can be vines.
Eric: For some reason in this Aesop's Tale, it's a tree, just to teach people fucking morals. So, like, imagine it's a grape— it's a grape tree, right? This grape tree is, like, 10 feet up and the—and the fox is only a little fox. It's two feet— two, three feet tall.
Brandon: Yeah.
Eric: And he— and he's— and he's reaching up. And the fox is like—
Eric (as Fox): Ugh. I can't get these grapes. I bet these grapes fucking suck anyway. Stupid.
Brandon: Aw. Little fox friend.
Julia (as Phoebe): So why do you want them if you think they suck?
Eric (as Fox): Oh, because, um, everyone else has them, but, like, you know, it does— it doesn't really matter. I don't even care about it.
Eric (as Door): Help the fox. He's a real, absolute bummer.
Julia: Yeah. Yeah, yeah.
Amanda: Nice.
Julia: Eric, you know, my— my spells have not just talked to animals and stuff like that.
Eric: Sure.
Julia: But I can also speak to plants.
Eric: Oh, you—
Brandon: Ooh.
Julia: So I would like to speak to plants please.
Amanda: Ooh.
Eric: You want to just speak to the plant?
Julia: Yeah. I get to imbue plants within 30 feet of me with limited sentient animation and intelligence.
Eric: Ooh.
Julia: And it gives them the ability to communicate with you and follow simple commands.
Eric: Cool.
Amanda: Oh, yeah.
Brandon: You have played a game with DM Eric. You're putting something that is inanimate into life?
Julia: I know.
Brandon: Wow.
Julia: It's usually you, Brandon, but it's gonna be me tonight.
Brandon: Holy shit. Get ready to cry, everyone.
Julia: So— so Phoebe's gonna walk up to the plant and be like—
Julia (as Phoebe): Hey, great grapes. Awesome.
Eric (as Grape Tree): Oh, thanks. I grew them myself.
Julia (as Phoebe): Cool. Do— do you need all of them?
Eric (as Grape Tree): Yeah. Oh, it's such an interesting question, because these are the equivalent of my ovaries. So whether or not I need them to seed in other places is up to nature.
Julia (as Phoebe): So— so I've read a book and, like, the way that you seed in other places is, like, animals eat your ovaries, and then they poop them out in other places, and then more of you grow.
Eric (as Grape Tree): Oh.
Amanda: And that's where babies come from.
Julia (as Phoebe): And that's where babies come from.
Eric: Does everyone hear the tree, speaking with the plant?
Julia: It's a great question.
Eric: Or is it just you?
Julia: You can command— gaining information.
Eric: Tell— what— what would make sense? Just tell me.
Julia: Oh, you can communicate with it as if you share a common language, but you have no magic—
Eric: Oh, so it's just with you? Okay, Brandon.
Brandon: Yeah, yeah.
Eric: It's totally fine.
Brandon: Although— although, Eric, I do have a little cantrip called comprehend languages, so maybe I'll cast that and see what I can do.
Eric: And you can hear plants?
Julia: Nice. Yeah.
Brandon: I can hear all languages. I assume it's easy to all language.
Eric: No, it's fair. I think— we're— we're in a magical land.
Brandon: Yeah.
Eric: I didn't like this, but I like the idea more than it's like you're wiretapping their phone call.
Brandon: Yeah. I know— I— I've been with Phoebe long enough now that whenever I see a plant or animal start, like, wiggling around Phoebe, I know, "Oh, they're talking. Let's see what they're saying."
Eric: You pull— you pull out a burner phone and you starts listening to it.
Brandon: Yeah, yeah. 100%.
Amanda: On— on the way down, I did say, as I was driving, "I think the place what Edward Snowden blew up is here." And then we did pass the NSA, so—
Julia: Woo.
Brandon: And then—
Julia: Wait, wait, what?
Brandon: And then Amanda tried to pull in, and I said, "Amanda, that says restricted access."
Julia: We were trying to find a place to pull over, and Amanda said, "Oh, the NSA, that'll work." And we're like, "No, it won't."
Amanda: I don't think I want to explain this character sheet to the NSA.
Eric: Yeah. Don't worry, I'm— we're so happy the NSA is here. I'm sure a few of you have your microphones weirdly on your phones.
Julia: Ooh. Hello.
[theme]
Amanda: Hello, it is Amanda. And this week, Eric and I are on a vacation, so we are going to make sure to thank anybody who joined our Patreon in the last week in the next episode. And the reason why we can be podcasters and take vacations and plan ahead to have some time off, is because of your support on Patreon. We highly appreciate it. And I gotta tell you, even when I'm on vacation, I am still checking in on the patron-only Discord, because it is the best place on the internet, and I love hanging out there. The other day, I met a kitten in a bodega like, you know, bodega cats, but this one was a two-month-old kitten named Papi. I'm obsessed with him. And so the first thing I thought was, "I gotta share this with the JTP Discord." And the people appreciated it just as much as I did. So if you would like to get access to the genuine best place online and get hundreds and hundreds of bonus episodes, ad-free episodes, episodes of Party Planning, our additional biweekly podcast, all of that can be yours at patreon.com/jointhepartypod. This week at Multitude, Pale Blue Pod is an astronomy podcast for people who are overwhelmed by the universe but want to be its friend. Astrophysicist Dr Moiya McTier and comedian Corinne Caputo demystify space one topic at a time with open eyes, open arms, and open mouths from all of the, like, laughing and jaw-dropping they're doing as they learn about space. They are the most incredible duo. And by the end of each episode, the cosmos will feel a little bit less scary and a lot more cool, we promise. So check out new episodes of Pale Blue Pod every Monday in your podcast app, or go to palebluepod.space. We are sponsored this week by United By Blue. A sustainable lifestyle brand that prioritizes sustainable materials and ethical manufacturing to lead the charge toward better business practices. Now, I mentioned we're on vacation as of right now, when I'm actually recording this, I'm packing to leave tomorrow, and I have my United By Blue reusable water bottle. I have my United By Blue cute, little day pack. I even have a sweet little, like, fork, spoon, knife combo that I bring with me on vacation, because if I want to have some leftovers, or I go and get takeout, and don't want to, you know, like, add to a bunch of single-use plastic, I know that I have what I need to enjoy myself no matter where I am. I love that their products are also created to last, because the best way to be a conscious consumer is to ultimately consume less. So they make this attainable by designing things that facilitate new ways to generate less waste. Like those meal kits I mentioned earlier, reusable coffee cups, reusable water bottles. I'm obsessed. I don't know what my life was like before I walked around with a extremely adorable bright yellow reusable water bottle, but I never have to, because United By Blue has hooked me up. So go to unitedbyblue.com and use code Join the Party to get 20% off your order. That's right, folks, unitedbyblue.com and use code Join the Party to get 20% off your order. And finally, we are sponsored by Shaker & Spoon. Now, part of this vacation is going to be in Ireland, so I'm not going to lie to you, folks, I'm not bringing Shaker & Spoon to Ireland because I'm just going to say, "Barkeep, give me your finest Guinness and whiskey, and that's enough." But if I want to bring that feeling home with me, if I, let's say, bring home a bottle of whiskey that I buy from, I don't know, Tullamore Dew, or Jameson, or somewhere in Ireland, and I want to make some incredible cocktails with that spirit, I know I'll be turning to my friends at Shaker & Spoon. Because every box they send you, gives you all of the ingredients to make three different cocktail recipes developed by world-class mixologists, all revolving around one bottle of that month's spirit. And best of all, in my opinion, the recipes are designed to use exactly the whole bottle, so you are not adding to, you know, a bar cart with, like, dozens and dozens of dusty bottles on it, or you're not buying something, being like, "Okay, well, I made one thing. Like, what do I do now?" No. They solve that problem for you. Shaker & Spoon are incredible partners, and at just $40 to $50 per month plus the cost of the bottle, this is a super cost-effective way to enjoy craft cocktails right at home. You can order one box, you can sign up for a subscription, or you can even buy a gift of three or six boxes for a friend. So get $20 off your first box at shakerandspoon.com/jointheparty. That's shakerandspoon.com/jointheparty. And now, let's get back to the show.
[theme]
Eric: Incredible. So, yeah, it's like, "Oh, bro. Ooh." And, yeah, again, Les is just listening in. It's like—
Eric (as Grape Tree): Don't come too close. I got some weird stuff going on in my brambles.
Julia (as Phoebe): That's how I felt like when puberty started for me. It hasn't gotten to my voice yet, but, like, other stuff is happening.
Julia: And Phoebe just goes—
Julia (as Phoebe): It's been weird in this magic land going through puberty.
Eric (as Grape Tree): This is a deeply unrelatable situation for me, a grape tree.
Julia (as Phoebe): You— you have ovaries.
Eric (as Grape Tree): Sure.
Eric: And the fox is like—
Eric (as Fox): Ugh. I didn't even want to be a part of this anyway. You guys are excluding me. You're talking to in, like, weird wisps and weird-- I'm just gonna go.
Eric: And the tre— and the door says—
Eric (as Door): Wow, it seems like you're not really helping the fox, huh? Do you even— why— if you just want to stay, just say so.
Eric: What do you do? The fox—the fox is trying to— the fox is leaving. The fox is feeling left out.
Brandon: Do— do you want to keep going or you want me to go?
Julia: Go ahead. Phoebe's just like trying to communicate about pointing puberty with this plant, so—
Brandon: Les— yeah, Les steps in and he's just like—he's like, "Hey, DM Eric, I want to cast the spell called dire warning."
Eric: Okay. What does that mean?
Brandon: I receive a massive— message of up to six words from my future self, warning me of a critical threat or forwarding me toward a fruitful avenue.
Eric: Incredible.
Amanda: Oh.
Julia: Brandon, fuck you.
Eric: Well— okay. So what— how does— what item do you have that conjures this? Yeah, what do you— what is this? Be, like, crack open a nut that's, like, from the— from the future tree or something?
Amanda: It's pretty good.
Julia: Yeah, you know the—
Brandon: I don't know why, but that got me a lot.
Julia: Brandon, you know the myth of the future tree?
Brandon: Yeah.
Julia: Aesop wrote that story, where he goes back in time?
Eric: No— like, no— no matter— you're like Radagastr or— was running the—
Brandon: No, no, I know.
Julia: Yeah.
Brandon: I just thought it was really funny, I don't know. But I—maybe, like, a pomegranate, like isn't that the truth object, or an apple or something? Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Eric: Yeah, yeah, from the tree of knowledge.
Julia: That's a time-related thing. I love that.
Eric: No, that's sick. Yeah, you can crack open this pomegranate you got.
Brandon: I go, fuck apples, so pomegranate.
Eric: Yeah, crack open a pomegranate.
Julia: Fuck yeah, dude.
Eric: That's— I do not have enough time to address that.
Julia: That's fine. We got— we got—
Eric: You crack it open, and, like, the seeds spill out and create a fully formed Les.
Brandon: Yeah.
Eric: But it's kind of loose, because Les is so tall.
Brandon: Yeah.
Eric: That the seeds are, like, stretched out a little— it's like, connect the dots of Les.
Amanda: It's— it's like— it's like H20 molecules in a gas.
Eric: Yes. Yeah, yeah.
Amanda: Just like stretches them apart, you know?
Eric: So Steven Bones are in the tree.
Brandon: Oh, fuck.
Julia: Oh.
Eric: Six. And then the— and then the seeds fall.
Amanda: Do you share that with the group?
Brandon: Yeah, Les turns around and says—
Brandon (as Les): Hey, guys, me from the future just said that future— that Steven Bones are in the tree. I did—
Eric (as Steven): No. I wouldn't do that.
[Amanda screams]
Amanda: And Carrie-Ann casts smite at level four spell slot.
Eric: On— on Steven?
Amanda: On the tree.
Eric: On the tree.
Amanda: Yeah.
Eric: Yeah, roll them bones, my friend.
Amanda: Alright.
Brandon: I did for— I did for a second think that Eric was gonna stop at Steven Bones, and then I was very confused.
Amanda: Okay. So I just roll an attack—
Eric: You just roll an attack—
Amanda: —with a spell?
Eric: —and then you— then you add the 7.
Brandon: Do it.
Eric: I can do the dice for you.
Brandon: Murder it.
Amanda: Alright. My spell slot is plus 9, okay. So that's a 16 plus 9, does that hit?
Eric: That hits a tree.
Julia: Yeah.
Amanda: Like— so 6 plus 2 is 8, plus 4 is 12, plus 7 is 19.
Eric: 19.
Amanda: Plus 8—
Eric: Yeah.
Amanda: —is 26.
Eric: Okay.
Amanda: And one more for a 30.
Eric: 30. I want everyone to know Carrie-Ann has a shield, right? That is 1 D6 plus strength, right? And then there's an extra 1 D8 because of how powerful she is. And then she added a fourth level smite, which is an extra 48.
Julia: Yeah.
Eric: That's what she's doing, just ramming this thing with a shield.
Brandon: Fuck yeah.
Eric: So what— yeah. What is your magic Pal— your Paladin powers manifest here? What does it look like?
Amanda: I think that a— a green and gold sparkle, the color of the logo of Camp Di—
Julia: Yeah.
Amanda: —illuminates me and the outline of the shield. And then when I punch it forward into the trunk of the tree, there's almost like a ghost illusion—
Brandon: Ooh.
Amanda: —like, push— like, of the— of the tree, like reverberating past it like a soundwave.
Eric: Hell yeah.
Amanda: Because it was pushed so hard.
Eric: Alright. I'm gonna roll for the tree. I rolled a 10. Okay.
Julia: Yeah. Yeah.
Eric: So I think you cut the tree in half.
Julia: Great.
Eric: You just slice right through, it goes— it's like—
Eric (as Stump): Oh, no, I'm taking a fall.
Eric: And it crashes— and it just crashes down. And then a bunch of skeletal hands also fall over and steam up into this— and steam up into the sky.
Brandon: Hmm.
Amanda: Carrie-Ann's— like smooshes them into the dirt like a cigarette butt.
Eric: Yeah.
Julia: Nice.
Eric: Yeah.
Brandon: That was the part where Eric makes you cry for after awakening an inanimate object and then killing it.
Julia: No, he was a dick.
Amanda: Yeah, but this one's an enemy.
Eric (as Stump): Tell my vines, I wasn't the best father.
Julia: Uh-huh.
Eric: And then the tree dies.
Brandon: Don't look at me. Look at Julia.
Eric: And then the tree dies.
Julia: It sucks.
Amanda: If you have to die to get me back to camp, die a second time.
Brandon: That's the sequel.
Julia: You tell him, girl.
Eric (as Veronica): I guess the moral was fuck that guy—
Eric: Says— says Veronica.
Amanda: Nice.
Julia (as Phoebe): That's the moral a lot of times, honestly. Yeah.
Eric (as Stump): Your resolve is strong, Carrie Ann— what’s your M— what does the M stand for?
Amanda: M.
Julia: Marigold. It's Marigold.
Amanda: Marigold.
Julia: Yeah.
Eric (as Stump): Carrie-Ann Marigold Price, you left everyone else up. Even when you were given information that could have been delicate, you decided to fight through and come home.
Eric (as Steven): Yeah, and she's a fucking nerd.
Eric: Says Steven.
Brandon: How tall—
Amanda: That's right.
Brandon: How tall is the stump that's left? Are— are like— is the grapes on the ground now, or what are we thinking?
Eric: Yeah, the tree— and the tree is on fully on the ground. All the grapes in the gro— and the Fox would be like—
Eric (as Fox): Yeah, you showed them. I didn't even want these grapes in the first place, but, like, now that they're just like, "You're on the ground, I'll just have them." Num, num, num, num. They weren't sour at all.
Brandon: Hell yeah.
Amanda: Oh! You— you thought it suck.
Julia: Yeah.
Eric: That was the moral. That— that's where sour grapes comes from.
Brandon: I learned that today.
Amanda: I learned that today.
Julia: Yeah.
Eric: Yeah, yeah.
Julia: That guy kind of sucked, too.
Eric: It's a— I have a— I have, like, a beautifully illustrated photo of the— from the Library of Congress of this.
Julia: Yeah.
Eric: And it's just like, "This fox is an asshole."
Brandon: That's what it says on the placard outside of it?
Eric: Yeah. Like, the Library of Congress has like a beautiful watercolor and, like, this fox sucks.
Julia: Eric, we could go see that tomorrow.
Brandon: Ooh.
Eric: This fo— this Fox is toxic. Do not associate with Fox.
Julia: Yeah.
Eric: Incredible.
Amanda: Love it.
Eric (as Door): See, you each brought everything to this, and now you have to do my second challenge.
Brandon: Ooh.
Amanda: Okay.
Eric: Be like—
Eric (as Door): It seems that we're about to have a running race.
Eric: And you look over and out of nowhere, behind the— behind the fog, a tortoise and a hare are lined up to have a running race.
Julia: Cool.
Brandon: Incredible.
Julia: Cool, yeah.
Eric: And then there's like a little turtle that's holding a— holding, like, a starting gun and be like—
Eric (as Turtle): Alright, everybody. You know what to do.
Julia: Oh.
Eric (as Turtle): I know it seems like I'm biased, because that's my cousin there, the tortoise.
Julia: Marvin.
Eric (as Turtle): Hey, Frank. Hey, Jerry.
Julia: Uh-huh. Uh-huh.
Eric (as Hare): Let's get on with it, come on, let's get, get on with it.
Eric (as Turtle): Alright, here we go.
Julia: Uh-hmm.
Eric (as Turtle): 3, 2, 1.
Eric: And then you see a little skeleton hand push the turtle over and go, "Poof!" And then everyone— and the rabbit starts to run, run, run fast, and the tortoise is taking his sweet, sweet time.
Brandon: Hmm.
Julia: I'd like to cast evasiveness.
Brandon: Ooh.
Amanda: Ooh.
Eric: What does that mean?
Julia: That's a fifth little spell where I test the—
Eric: These one shots are just like Julia being like, "Hey, look at this spell I saw." Boop.
Julia: And hey—
Amanda: Yes.
Julia: —they're all from Valda's Spire of Secrets.
Eric: Tell me Mage Hand Mike Join the Party sent you. We promise he won't send the Pinkertons after you.
Amanda: True.
Julia: You touch a willing creature until the spell ends, the target gains superhuman ability to dodge attacks. The target's AC becomes 20.
Brandon: Ooh.
Julia: If it were lower, regardless of what kind of armor it is wearing, it has advantage on dexterity saving throws.
Amanda: Oh, my God.
Brandon: Any ti—
Amanda: There's never been a more armored tortoise.
Julia: Yeah.
Brandon: Yeah, anytime tortoise tries to take a sharp corner, it's like, "No, no, no. I rolled a good Dex check."
Eric: I like that.
Amanda: Damn.
Julia: Yeah.
Eric: I think the tor— yeah, the tortoise is keeping up with the hare. They're running neck and neck, it'd be like—
Eric (as Hare): What? What's happening? What's happening? Aaaaaah!
Eric: As the tortoise and the hare starts to speed up, and the tortoise says—
Eric (as Tortoise): Oh, hold on.
Eric: And there is a watermelon rind in the la—
Brandon: Shit!
Eric: —in the front.
Amanda: No!
Eric: And Amanda, all of the Instagram videos that are sent to you shows me that tortoises love fruits.
Amanda: They do.
Eric: They do.
Amanda: They do.
Eric: And the hare is just like, "Gotta— gotta blast!” and just runs past, and the tortoise pulls over—
Amanda: Oh, no.
Eric: —and goes after the— goes after the watermelon. The hare is getting far away, and be like—
Eric (as Hare): You need to help this tortoise, you already know that. I don't know how you knew what the challenge was.
Amanda: I have one thing. So can the tortoise make a charisma saving throw to resist the temptation?
Eric: Sure, yeah.
Brandon: Oh.
Eric: I can do that.
Amanda: Because my shield means that if I'm within 10 feet of them, they add— they add, plus my charisma to their saving throw, which is plus 4.
Julia: Whoa.
Brandon: Yo.
Eric: So you're gonna run up and try to, like, empower him?
Amanda: Yes.
Julia: Yes.
Eric: Okay.
Brandon: Like, just encourage the turtle?
Amanda: I'm— like a— like a toxic Pilates coach, I'm gonna be like, "You can do this. Resist it. Later it will be worth it. Put in the work to get the reward."
Eric: I love this.
Brandon: I like this new Carrie-Ann.
Eric: Yeah.
Brandon: This is fun.
Eric: Yeah. While you're doing that, Steven just starts throwing part of his bones at you, and he throws four bones at you.
Amanda: Oh, no. Can I parry?
Brandon: Oh, no.
Eric: Well, I— is it just 12 plus 5 hit 17?
Amanda: No, I'm a 21 AC.
Eric: Oh, Jesus Christ. That's 6 plus 5 is—
Amanda: But, Eric, I got great news.
Eric: Hold on, can I— should I wait?
Amanda: Yes, go ahead, Eric. Please.
Eric: Six plus 5, 11, I miss.
Julia: No.
Amanda: Yep.
Eric: 8 plus 5 is—
Julia: Nope.
Eric: —3, I miss.
Julia: Nope.
Eric: 12 plus 5 is 17, I miss.
Julia: Yeah.
Eric: Clang, clang, clang, clang, clang. The bones just bounce off of you, be like—
Eric (as Steven): What? You're a te— you're a chi— you're a teen before this. This is unfair.
Amanda: Eric—
Eric: And he sulks and puts his— puts his glasses down.
Amanda: It doesn't stop there because I have reverberating shield.
Julia: Oh, my God.
Eric: Oh, no.
Brandon: Oh my God.
Amanda: Which means when a melee attack at me misses, the attacker must succeed on a Dex 15 save. On a failure, it drops its weapon, which is thrown 15 feet away from it.
Eric: His own bone?
Brandon: Is it— is the one weapon, yeah, his own skeleton?
Amanda: It is, it is.
Julia: Fuck yeah, dude.
Brandon: Fuck yeah, dude.
Amanda: And I think it's two, three times, no?
Eric: I'll do it for all— I'll do it for all of them.
Amanda: Okay, cool.
Eric: Alright. 10 plus 4, 14.
Amanda: Doesn't beat a 15.
Eric: No. So, yeah, so— so Steven's throwing bones at you. You throw your shield up.
Amanda: Yeah, I imagine a boomerang situation where the bone bounces off the shield and ricochets so bad that his entire skeleton flies apart.
Julia: Damn right.
Eric: The bone just scatters.
Amanda: Yeah.
Brandon: That's fucking metal.
Eric: That's awesome. Alright. Now, the tortoise is gonna make a charisma saving throw. It was just— it was 0.
Amanda: Yeah. So it has plus 4 now.
Eric: And 1— okay. And I'm gonna say for— for fruits, 15 definitely. It's hard.
Julia: Yeah. Uh-hmm.
Amanda: Fruit— fruit to a tortoise, yeah.
Brandon: Yeah, but it's like watermelon. Like, it's not like grapes or, you know, like strawberry—
Eric: It's not strawberry. Strawberry would be 20—
Brandon: Yeah, yeah.
Eric: —but watermelon is 15.
Brandon: Yeah.
Amanda: Y'all seen a baby tortoise eating a strawberry?
Julia: Oh, buddy.
Amanda: So good.
Julia: Oh, no.
Eric: Amanda, that's a Natural 1 for the tortoise.
Julia: No.
Eric: The tortoise is still a bit like—
Eric (as Tortoise): I find my own reward. I'm skipping these Pilates class.
Eric: There's— so for Les— for Les and Phoebe—
Julia: Yeah.
Eric: —you can either keep dealing with the tortoise and the hare is still running, running, running, running.
Brandon: Okay.
Julia: Do you want to deal with the hare or the tortoise?
Brandon: I got— yes, the hare.
Julia: Okay, I'll deal with the tortoise.
Eric: Okay.
Julia: I'm gonna cast intrusive thought on the tortoise.
Amanda: Yay!
Julia: He has to make an action of my choice.
Eric: Okay, do I have to save?
Julia: He has to make a— he make— makes his spell save.
Eric: Okay.
Julia: He has to be— where is my spell save?
Eric: Yeah, what is it, wisdom?
Julia: Wait, I know— oh, it's— it's, yeah, 18.
Eric: 18.
Amanda: No big deal.
Eric: This tortoise has a 0. Carrie-Ann, do you want to run away so it doesn't get plus 4?
Amanda: Yeah, I will. I'll run after the hare.
Julia: Yeah.
Eric: True. Oh, it rolled a 2.
Amanda: Yeah.
Julia: So I'm gonna make it take the dash action.
Brandon: Yeah.
Eric: This is so funny that the tortoise is like—
Eric (as Tortoise): I'm ready for the race.
Eric: And then it's like—
Eric (as Tortoise): Why am I— why am I going so fast? Why is this woman yelling at me? I should run.
Eric: Bap, bap, bap, bap, bap, bap, bap, bap, bap. You fucked up this tortoise.
Amanda: Yes.
Eric: Guys, this is— the moral of the story is don't try hard, use magic.
Brandon: Yeah.
Julia (as Phoebe): That's what I'm always saying.
Brandon: Yes.
Eric: Well, in the Library of Congress, a new page appears and says that.
Amanda: Yeah, yeah.
Eric: It— oh, yeah, the tortoise is picking up speed. It has— what is— what does this look like? What is the— you controlling another creature for— for Phoebe look like?
Julia: Oh, Phoebe's magic kind of looks like icy blue lightning coming out of a creature.
Eric: Hell yeah.
Julia: And it, like, transforms into sparkling green energy.
Eric: Ooh.
Julia: And then that door is like— has to go.
Brandon: Yeah. Metal, metal.
Eric: How's Veronica get in the mix? Is she also, like, shooting a beam out of her eyes or something?
Julia: I'm just riding Veronica, and I whisper—
Eric: She's— fair.
Julia: —nice thoughts into her ear.
Amanda: I like the sound that Veronica's listening to a podcast.
Julia: Yeah.
Amanda: Like, it's just another day for her. She's like— she's just chillin'.
Brandon: Veronica is taking—
Julia: I gave— I gave Veronica my AirPods when we got there.
Amanda: She's good.
Eric: There is a giant silver bear, right?
Julia: Uh-huh.
Eric: Like the size of— from these dark materials, right, the bear— the polar bear is from there?
Amanda: Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Julia: Yeah.
Eric: With AirPods in—
Julia: Yeah.
Eric: —being like—
Eric (as Veronica): I didn't know about this sex cult. Incredible.
Julia (as Phoebe): And it's revealed halfway through the episode that the guy just had a big dick, and that's why none of the ladies left.
Eric (as Veronica): I don't know anything about—
Julia: This is a real podcast we were listening to on the drive.
Eric: That's real. We've been listening to it in the van.
Amanda: Yeah.
Eric (as Veronica): Like 20th ce— turn of the century Portland, Oregon sounds crazy.
Amanda: Yeah.
Eric: Incredible. Yeah. So now, the tortoise is just magically there. And unless you were running up ahead and you were trying to catch this hare.
Brandon: Well, I mean— yeah. I mean, Les has longer legs than the hare, so it's fine.
Eric: Your DC is high. It's fine. Make a percep— make a perception check for me really quickly, my man.
Brandon: Oh, a perception check? Sure.
Julia: So long.
Brandon: I do have a plus 10 to that now.
Julia: Oh.
Eric: You're so perceptive.
Brandon: It's a 13.
Eric: Hell yeah. 3 plus 10, that's fine. Okay. You— you're— see—
Brandon: No, no. 3 plus 10 for a 13.
Eric: No, that's a— no, that's what I said.
Brandon: Okay, okay.
Eric: I love your 3. We got 1, 2, 3 in a row. That's beautiful.
Amanda: Incredible.
Eric: So what's happening is you are— you are seeing that the—you're getting to a wooded area, like it was kind of like— you started kind of in the field, and you're running into the woods. It's a multitrack sort of— sort of race. And now, like, you see the hare— you see the hare running and running ahead of you, but it slowed down. You were just loping by, and it slowed—it slowed down. And you see that its ears are pulled back very far. Like, it's— it's— like— you know, like cats when they go into rocket mode?
Brandon: Uh-hmm. Uh-hmm.
Eric: But it's like— it's a rabbit, right?
Brandon: Yeah . Yeah, yeah.
Eric: It's a rabbit, it's a hare. Its ears are going backwards, and it's also running as fast as it can, still hyped up, but it's like— it's weaving, and by it's still weaving and trying to stay on— stay —stay forward.
Brandon: Well, it's cute that it thinks they can do anything because, Eric, I'm gonna cast a level— eighth level spell called— called maze.
Eric: What?
Amanda: What does that mean?
Brandon: And it's— let me just read you the simple, simple description. Hey, Eric, I banish a creature I can see within range into a labyrinth demiplane. The target remains there for the duration or until it escapes.
Eric: All around me are familiar faces, worn out places, and I think it's kind of funny.
Julia: I'm so glad you got to use this.
Eric: I think it's mad— mad world.
Brandon: So what—
Eric: You know the song from the Gears of War 3 trailer?
Brandon: Yeah.
Amanda: Yeah.
Eric: Shout out to my absolute fucking nerds. I love you. That's incredible. No, that's sick as hell.
Brandon: So—
Eric: What is the— what is this— do you want to see a demiplane? I think this works really well here.
Brandon: Yeah, yeah, no. So Les is running after this rabbit with a fucking giant-ass book in his hands, writing furiously. And he's like—
Brandon (as Les): Fuck this rabbit.
Brandon: And then— yeah. Like—
Eric: Aaaaaah! And the rabbit's running ahead of you.
Brandon: Yeah, it poofs into the Greek-ass labyrinth.
Eric: I love that. I kind of like— and please, because this is what a magical world, and I know this is written for Dungeon & Dragons. I kind of like that out of nowhere, in the forest, like, there's a— there's a— there's a fork in the road that just kind of grows.
Brandon: Okay.
Eric: And then the— a sign is pointing to the left now, it's almost like, "Poooof."
Brandon: But the sign just says, "Only for rabbits."
Eric: Yeah. Rabbits finish race fast, get hot shit. Make millions of babies.
Brandon: Yeah, yeah.
Eric: Be like—
Eric (as Hare): Hell yeah, brother.
Eric: Just runs down it. And then it's just like the forest just goes on—
Brandon: Yeah.
Eric: —endlessly, infinitely, forever. And the rabbit is just running through it. The forest just turns and turns, and twists and turns. And the rabbit which— I guess we can see it now, because it's just doing this, right?
Brandon: Well, you can— you can use your action to attempt to escape, but you have to make a DC 20 intelligence check.
Eric: No, I think that's great. I think it doesn't know that it's lost for a very long time. And then, of course, the whole thing is that the rabbit's eyes are being— we see it from the front, which you haven't. The rabbit's eyes have been kept open by a skeleton hand.
Julia: Oh, no.
Eric: He's like—
Eric (as Hare): I'm so sleepy and wanna nap, but I have to run.
Brandon: Oh, I fucked up.
Eric: Remember this story, guys?
Amanda: That's fucked up.
Julia: I do also want to point out, because Brandon showed me this spell earlier, it doesn't work on minotaurs. It's in the text—
Brandon: Yeah.
Julia: It's in the text of the spell that's like— but it's a— if it's a minotaur, doesn't fucking work.
Eric: I love that. That's hilarious.
Amanda: Shout out, shout out.
Eric: No, that's some classic AD&D stuff. Gary Gygax in 1972, in Wisconsin was like, "That shit's on hot fire," and wrote it down.
Amanda: "Some nerds will appreciate this."
Eric: Yeah. Yeah. And then he's like, "I'm gonna be weird about women until I die."
Julia: Oh, do that.
Eric: That's sick.
Julia: Hold on, Brandon just showed me a really good thing that he wants to do real quick.
Eric: Okay.
Brandon: Well, not real quick, but I just— maybe I felt sympathy for this rabbit, right?
Eric: Sure. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Julia: Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Brandon: So I don't know if I can maybe catch up to this rabbit a little bit, but if I can, maybe it takes me some time.
Eric: Well, a maze— I guess with maze, it's like— it's your demiplane. You've created it. It's like yours--
Julia: Yeah. Oh, yeah.
Brandon: I am a god here.
Amanda: Yeah. You see, like, the tracking dot moving in the sort of, like, near infinite maze.
Eric: You will pop up in your flip phone and you have a GPS.
Julia: Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Brandon: Yeah, yeah.
Eric: But they on— it's like only give out to government employees but you have it for some reason. You got it on eBay?
Brandon: Yeah, I did.
Eric: Yeah.
Brandon: Yeah. I just yell out to the rabbit like–
Brandon (as Les): Hey, rabbit, I didn't know that you were, like, being fucked up by— by the skeleton man. Do you want to, like, chill? Of—
Eric (as Hare): I want nothing more than to sleep. Sleep is the sweet release of death. They're for chance to dream. And the slings and arrows of— aaaaah!
Brandon: Okay. So here—
Julia: That's my favorite Hamlet quote.
Eric: Yeah.
Brandon: Eric, here's what I would like to do. I would like to catch up to this creature.
Eric: I'm laughing at my own joke.
Julia: Yeah, it's very good. Hey, bud, great.
Eric: Yeah. I'm sorry, I'm sorry. Yeah, please go ahead.
Brandon: I would like to cast sequester, which means—
Eric: Oh, sure.
Brandon: —that a willing creature—
Eric: Yes.
Brandon: —I can— what I can do is touch the target. It can become invisi— invisible, and it falls into a state of suspended animation.
Julia: What are you rolling over there? He’s rolling a lot of dice.
Brandon: Before it, time ceases to flow, and it doesn't grow older, and I get to set the condition for when it ends. So for right now, I'm just gonna pick up this little rabbit, give it some good pets, and then it's just gonna sleep until I— until I can get it back to his house.
Eric: Okay. I just rolled it nine times and I failed intelligence checks for a DC 20. So yeah, 100%, this rabbit is turned around.
Brandon: And he's just sweet— he's sweetly hanging in my arms.
Eric: It's just—
Amanda: Stasis?
Eric (as Hare): Never a borrower, nor a lender be.
Julia: Jesus Christ.
Eric: He just falls asleep in your arms.
Eric (as Hare): I'm so tired.
Brandon: And then— tight. Then I yell out of the maze like—
Brandon (as Les): I got the rabbit. Maybe do the tortoise?
Julia (as Phoebe): Oh, you found your cool animal friend, like Carrie-Ann and I did. That's awesome.
Eric: The tort— the tortoise—
Brandon: An invisible rabbit.
Julia (as Phoebe): Finally.
Eric: Les tries to mount the rabbit would be like—
Eric (as Les): Hyah.
Julia (as Phoebe): He's asleep.
Eric: Yeah. As— and then as you guys meet up with each other, you just hear, "Da, na, na, na. Do, do, do, do, do, do." As the tortoise is going a gentleman's 15 miles per hour.
Julia: That's pretty good.
Eric: Just chugging along. And then— and then you meet up, I think, at the end— you meet up at the end with just a paper— paper and thing.
Brandon: Hmm.
Eric: And they go— and they bust through, and— and the door goes—
Eric (as Door): Yay. You've done it.
Julia (as Phoebe): We did it.
Eric (as Door): You are too powerful for this realm. You were supposed to learn stuff, but instead, you just kind of messed it up.
Brandon (as Les): That's what we do best.
Amanda (as Carrie-Ann): Yes!
Eric (as Steven): Alright, alright, alright. I got one more challenge for you.
Eric: As Steven picks himself up and reassembles some stuff. I know I'm not as powerful here as I am in the summer lands.
Eric: I'm having too much fun.
Brandon: His voice is fucked. He fucked everyone up, yeah.
Amanda: And starts speaking, Carrie-Ann goes—
Amanda (as Carrie-Ann): No!
Eric (as Steven): But you gotta go through me.
Brandon: Eric.
Julia: Now— wait, hold on.
Eric: It's a race. You guys need to race. Runner, roll— roll a dime if you—
Julia: Hold on. No, we're— we're showing each other what we want to do first, real quick.
Eric: Okay. You roll for it but you have to go one at a time.
Brandon: Okay. Do this one and mine.
Julia: Okay.
Brandon: Okay.
Julia: We're going to do Brandon's first and then mine.
Eric: Okay.
Brandon: Eric, I want to cast us a ritual called Game of Fate, and this is a Mage Hand Mike original.
Eric: Okay.
Brandon: So Les is going to look at Steven and say—
Brandon (as Les): You wanna fucking bet?
Eric (as Steven): Oh, you know I do, pubescent boy.
Brandon: So this is— I magically compel a creature to basically take a bet with me.
Eric: Steven loves bets, he'll just do it. Yeah, 100%.
Brandon: And it— it says, like, the loser of the game can take 60— 66 damage, but it also says you can make the stakes higher, baby. You can do whatever you want. You can do property, you can do rewards, you can do a noble title, whatever you want, man.
Eric: Okay.
Julia: It's like Mage hand Mike wrote, "Whatever you want, man."
Brandon: So—
Amanda: Yeah. It's like a high stakes poker table in like—
Brandon: Uh-huh.
Amanda: —Vegas in the '60s.
Brandon: Yup.
Eric: I like this.
Amanda: Like, you could bet like a firstborn, like you fully could.
Brandon: Yep.
Julia: Uh-hmm. Uh-hmm.
Brandon: So—
Eric: That's what— Frank Sinatra did that four times.
Amanda: Yes.
Julia: Yeah.
Eric: And he won three of them.
Amanda: Yes.
Eric: Alright.
Brandon: So Les is gonna turn to Phoebe and say—
Brandon (as Les): What should be the game be?
Julia (as Phoebe): I—
Eric (as Steven): Oh, we're gonna play the only game of--
Julia (as Phoebe): No, no, no, no. We get to decide the game.
Eric (as Steven): I hate these rules, but I also love them.
Julia (as Phoebe): Now—
Brandon: You are compelled.
Eric (as Steven): I'm compelled, and I love them.
Julia (as Phoebe): Now, Steven, how familiar are you with the— the works of Harrison Ford?
Eric (as Steven): Go on.
Julia: Phoebe is going to cast inevitable boulder.
Eric: Okay. I was gonna do a whole thing.
Julia: Nah, bruh. Nah.
Eric: Hold on, wait. No. And this is just like Indiana Jones, where I was gonna be like, "Alright, Brandon, best two out of three, rock, paper, scissors."
Brandon: Nah, nah, nah.
Eric: "Here we go." And we stood up, and I'm like, "Rock, paper, scissors, boulder."
Julia: At a—
Eric: Yeah, no, that's it.
Julia: At a point you choose within range, you conjure into existence a large, eight-foot diameter boulder, which rolls in pursuit of one creature you can see with your choice. The boulder's AC is 18 with 75 hit points if you need to poison and psychic damage—
Eric: Yeah.
Julia: —resistance to bludgeoning, piercing, slashing. If the boulder—
Eric: That's somebody you meant that, and I meant when Indiana Jones shot that ninja guy.
Julia: Yeah.
Eric: That's awesome.
Julia: Basically— okay, hold on.
Brandon (as Les): So, I think the game is a—
Eric: I— Julia, it's fine.
Brandon (as Les): I think the game is a—
Julia: Well, no, I— the details are really good.
Eric: Okay, fine. Fine, fine.
Julia: Sorry. At the beginning of each of your turns, the boulder moves 60 feet in the direction of the target. If the boulder enters a creature's space, the creature must make the Dexterity saving throw. On a failed save, it takes 6d10 bludgeoning damage, and it is not thrown. On a success, the creature takes half the damage. It doesn't matter. The boulder also crushes nonmagical objects. If the boulder reaches its target, it rolls it over and continues on completing the 60-foot movement. The boulder continues to pursue its target for the duration, rolling over it more than once, if possible. After the spell ends, the boulder continues to pursue its target for up to 24 hours.
Brandon (as Les): So— so Steven, the game— the game is called outrun this fucking boulder.
Julia: And it falls from the sky and starts rolling towards him.
Brandon: And then— and then Les takes one step to the left.
Eric: I rolled a 7.
Amanda: Not gonna do it?
Eric: So Steven— I— so Steven— yeah. I mean, he's not— he's— he's powerful. With intelligent wisdom, charisma, he's not a fast— a fast skeleton. And even— I would even say he has, like, plus five, like he— for— in this thing, but he can't do it. Yeah. So, yeah, the— I was— he gets ready to do this, he gets in, like, ready position, and then the boulder just falls on his head, and then Looney Tunes style, he goes—
Eric (as Steven): Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! I'll get you kids in this land or the next.
Amanda: And then Carrie-Ann very solemnly reaches into her pocket and goes—
Amanda (as Carrie-Ann): Heeeeehhh!
Eric (as Veronica): If you are ready, my children, you can step back to your time and place.
Brandon: Is this like we're walking into your mouth?
Eric (as Veronica): I guess the time and place is now.
Eric: As the door opens.
Julia (as Phoebe): Wait—
Amanda: Carrie-Ann rides her horse on through.
Eric: Absolutely.
Julia (as Phoebe): Wait, Veronica, they won't let me take a bear to school.
Eric (as Veronica): That's oka— that's okay, Phoebe. I'll live inside of your heart, so I'll be with you always.
Julia (as Phoebe): Wait, can you, like, live with me for real?
Julia: And then I cast Mandy's Feral Follower.
Amanda: What does that mean?
Eric: Julia, I think that just happens to Phoebe anyway.
Julia: Yeah.
Eric: Like, you're fine.
Julia: Yeah.
Eric: And you already read a whole five pages of Mage Hand Mike's book.
Julia: Yeah.
Eric: So we're gonna move forward.
Julia: It just turns an animal into, like, a person like Cinderella.
Brandon: Tight. Tight.
Eric: Oh, that's cool.
Brandon: Tight.
Julia: Yeah.
Eric: I like that— yeah. At school, Phoebe's like, "I met her at camp," and just making out with this six-foot-two hairy woman, hairy teeth.
Julia (as Phoebe): She's not my girlfriend. It's just sometimes we kiss.
Eric (as Veronica): I went to another school before this.
Amanda: I transferred in from a Catholic school.
Eric (as Veronica): Aesop's Middle School. It was a Catholic school.
Amanda: I was gonna say it was a Catholic school.
Eric: Amanda— that's Amanda's joke. That's Amanda's joke.
Julia: Yeah.
Amanda: It's fine. It's fine.
Eric: Yeah.
Eric (as Veronica): Les, it was— I know it's been your entire life for you to find magical objects and know the lay of the land you've created. The only codex we have of this land.
Brandon (as Les): Yeah. Uh-huh.
Eric (as Veronica): Would you stay?
Brandon (as Les): No. Oh, was I supposed to, like, think about it for a second or—
Eric (as Veronica): No, it seems to be a lot like everything else you're doing, and it's fine. It's fine.
Brandon (as Les): Yeah. Cool.
Eric (as Veronica): Come on— come on in.
Brandon (as Les): Alright.
Eric (as Veronica): The water's regular.
Brandon (as Les): No tongue, please.
Brandon: And I walk in.
Eric: Yeah. And the three of you wake up, laying back on the field, in the meadow of Camp Diogenes, it is August 3rd, the day after you were rooting around in the library, and found this book of Aesop's Fables. It is su—it is noon, the sun is beating down on you, and warming— warming your faces and bodies. Of course, until a shadow is cast over you.
Eric (as Boo): Hey, guys, what are you doing?
Amanda: Boo!.
Eric (as Boo): Why— why— why are you laying here on the floor? Why were you laying here on the field?
Brandon (as Les): Just— just relaxing, I guess.
Amanda (as Carrie-Ann): Hanging out with my best friend, Boo.
Eric (as Boo): Oh—
Amanda (as Carrie-Ann): Where's my cool bear?
Eric (as Boo): Oh. I could be your cool bear. Rawr. What? I don't understand the context of what I said. You guys are crazy. It's lunch time. Baaa.
Eric: And Boo runs away. You— one day afterwards, you go back to the age you were during camp.
Brandon: Oh, thank God.
Eric: Nothing was different, and maybe, was it all a dream? Do you remember anything?
Brandon (as Les): Was it a dream?
Eric: And then you see a rabbit hop past you, and it looks at you, and goes, "Aaaaah!" And runs away. Thank you very much, everybody.
Crowd: [cheers]
Eric: Truly, absolutely, this was The Rolling Bones Tour.
Crowd: [cheers]
Eric: Give it up one time for everyone's favorite spitfire, Julia Schifini.
Crowd: [cheers]
Eric: Give it up to the best Dungeons & Dragons player who also sound designs the fuck out of on the show. I'll stand by than anyone, it's Brandon Grugle.
Crowd: [cheers]
Eric: Give it up to the person who has blossomed into her Dungeon & Dragons playing. Going from just learning how to play to Dr. Bertha Bones, Carrie-Ann, and Troy Riptide.
Crowd: [cheers]
Eric: That's Amanda McLoughlin. I have been your humble best DM in podcasting, Eric Silver.
Crowd: [cheers]
Eric: Thank you to DC. Thank you so much to everyone coming. This has been the ra— most raucous live show. You guys are absolutely incredible.
Amanda: You nailed it, guys. It sounds like you should be a state.
Julia: Hey, Eric—
Eric: I just have one thing to say.
Amanda: Yeah.
Brandon: Yeah.
Eric: So I have one last question.
Julia: Uh-huh.
Amanda: Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Eric: So let's imagine.
Amanda: Is it about sound design?
Eric: No.
Amanda: Okay.
Eric: Let's imagine, at the top of that really big, pointy one, right?
Julia: Yeah.
Amanda: Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. The pencil building.
Julia: The Washington Monument.
Brandon: Are you having a stroke?
Julia: Are you okay?
Eric: That really one big, pointy thing, right?
Julia: Yeah.
Amanda: Yeah.
Julia: Uh-huh.
Eric: Imagine a skeleton was up there.
Julia: Uh-huh.
Amanda: Oh, no.
Brandon: Okay.
Eric: And the skeleton was like, "I'm having such a good time up here on top of the Washington Monument. Uh-oh. I'm losing my footing." And then it tumbled off the building.
Brandon: Okay.
Julia: Oh, no, there's a giant boulder.
Eric: "Oh, a giant boulder chasing me."
Amanda: Oh, no.
Eric: "I'm falling off the Washington Monument."
Brandon: Okay.
Eric: And kind of tumbles on the way down.
Brandon: Yeah.
Eric: What would you say that skeleton is doing?
Amanda: I would say—
Brandon: Oh. I think it's—
All: Rolling them bones!
[theme]
Brandon: Thank you.