Camp Diogenes Staff Handbook, Rule #505: In regards to the last night of camp: Save tonight and fight the break of dawn. Come tomorrow, tomorrow I'll be gone.

Camp Diogenes Staff Handbook, Rule #000000000000000001: Listen up, you little do-gooding camp worms. Why don’t you get your nose out of the handbook and go outside? The sun is OUT and BRIGHT and HOT and look EVERYONE ELSE IS DOING IT. So STOP LOOKING INTO THINGS AND GET OUT THERE!!!!!!

Camp Diogenes Staff Handbook, Rule #000: It should be summer all the time! And now it is and will always be!

Camp Diogenes Staff Handbook, Rule #101: if you’re going to pick a fight with someone or something, at least make sure you’re one standard deviation larger or smaller than them. If you’re smaller, you’re going to get crushed; if you’re bigger, you’re just punching down.

Camp Diogenes Staff Handbook, Rule #246-01: staff members should strongly encourage all campers to participate in their age group’s summer musical. Regardless if they are pop-u-lar or need to be more chill, this is the perfect opportunity for campers to go the distance, let the sunshine in, and become one singular sensation.

Rule #256-02: you must have a driver’s license to drive the surrey with the fringe on top.

Camp Diogenes Staff Handbook, Rule #1041: Although it is easy and understandable that staff members may misplace personal items, it is tantamount that we keep our eyes on our things. You never know if your misplaced keychain could become the final piece of a magical doomsday device or integrated into a part-organic, part-inorganic beast that lives under our very feet.

Camp Diogenes Staff Handbook, Rule #101: Attack the hardest thing you have to do in a day first thing in the morning. As Mark Twain said, “If it's your job to eat a frog, it's best to do it first thing in the morning. Wait… your job really eating frogs? Jesus H Christ, really? This was metaphorical advice about being productive!”

Camp Diogenes Staff Handbook, Rule #64, Addendum Q-4: If you are lost in the woods and are not sure if your companions are the same people that you began your journey with, disregard all previous rules and run.

Camp Diogenes Staff Handbook, Rule #64: As soon as you realize that you're lost in the woods, stop moving. It's much easier for rescuers to find a stationary person than someone who is moving around. Only continue to move if you know where you are, need to find shelter, or a voice rumbling in the darkness tells you to do so.

Camp Diogenes Staff Handbook, Rule #409: No cleats at camp. It harms the ground, the historic wood cabins, and fellow campers. How would you like it if someone tried to pop you like a balloon? You wouldn’t!

Camp Diogenes Staff Handbook, Rule #103: The best way to get campers enthusiastic about an activity is if you’re enthusiastic about it! If you want your campers to jump in the Water Hole, challenge them to a cannonball contest. If you want them to learn more about ritual sacrifices, run into the woods and help wrangle a calf as white as snow. If the camp lines up a special activity, you should be the first ones in line to try it!

Camp Diogenes Staff Handbook, Epilogue: If you have a question about any of these rules, talk to the head of your department. Only under grave and unusual circumstances should these questions be escalated to the Assistant Director or Director. They’re busy doing camp stuff.

Camp Diogenes Staff Handbook, Rule #91: If you have a medical emergency, contact and report to the nurses’ office. You may be saying, “What do you mean? There hasn’t been a nurse here for forty years!” And I am saying, that’s preposterous, it’s right over there. Why are you wiggling your fingers like that and moaning “OooOoOOOoOOOOOOooOo?” Jeremy, go to the nurse and get an ACE bandage.

Camp Diogenes Staff Handbook, Creature Supplement, Rule #11: Talking frogs are very self-conscious creatures. They can exist both on land and sea, which give them even more opportunities to tell you how great they are. This may stem from being consistently confused with talking toads, who have that alliteration thing going on.