Enjoy this one shot set in Campaign 2 from the Rolling Bones tour in Minneapolis! This episode is dedicated to Mayor Dick Sizzle, rest in power.
If you want to see and hear the rest of the Rolling Bones live shows, check out the VODs HERE!
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- website: https://jointhepartypod.com
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Cast & Crew
- Game Master, Co-Producer: Eric Silver
- Co-Host (Umbi), Co-Producer, Sound Designer, Composer: Brandon Grugle
- Co-Host (Chamomile Cassis), Co-Producer: Julia Schifini
- Co-Host (Troy Riptide), Co-Producer: Amanda McLoughlin
- Theme Song: Lyrics by Eric Silver, music by Brandon Grugle. Vocals by Brandon Grugle, Lauren Shippen, Julia Schifini, Roux Bedrosian, Eric Silver, Tyler Silver, and Amanda McLoughlin. Available for purchase here.
- Artwork: Allyson Wakeman
- Multitude: https://multitude.productions
About Us
Join the Party is an actual play podcast with tangible worlds, genre-pushing storytelling, and collaborators who make each other laugh each week. We welcome everyone to the table, from longtime players to folks who’ve never touched a roleplaying game before. Hop into our current campaign, a pirate story set in a world of plant- and bug-folk, or marathon our completed stories with the Camp-Paign, a MOTW game set in a weird summer camp, Campaign 2 for a modern superhero game, and Campaign 1 for a high fantasy story. And once a month we release the Afterparty, where we answer your questions about the show and how we play the game. New episodes every Tuesday.
Transcript
Amanda: Hello, hello. Amanda here, welcoming you to the second and final live show episode on The Rolling Bones Tour of 2024 that we are going to be sharing here on the Join the Party feed. Now, even though we're all taking some vacation this summer, we are posting this live show because, one, it's hilarious and lives rent-free in our minds. And two, there are still no bad Tuesdays even though we are people who do this as a job and do occasionally need some time off. Now, this is a Campaign Two One Shot from The Rolling Bones Tour earlier this year. It was incredibly fun, incredibly funny. We hope this gives you a wonderful, little nostalgic boost in thinking about our friends back in Campaign Two. And hey, it's always a great time to relisten to a campaign. So if this kicks off a relisten for you, like it has for me, don't tell my colleagues I've legit been listening to Campaign Two just while I play video games because it's entertaining and I— I love Lake Town City and it makes me feel like a nerd, but I have been. It's incredibly great, and I really, really hope you enjoy this episode. Quick thing that you have to know, okay? You are going to be hearing a lot of mentions of something called Dick Sizzle. Don't worry about it. But if you're thinking to yourself, "Did I miss a reference? Like, why are they saying Dick Sizzle? Like, what does that mean?" You didn't miss anything. It was just a callback to the first half of the live show, which was a Spirits segment. All of our live shows on The Rolling Bones Tour were two full live shows in one, which was Spirits and then Join the Party. So it just happened earlier in the show, Dick Sizzle, obviously, an incredible name that we could not stop saying. But if you are dying to know why we are cracking up about Dick Sizzle, what exactly it/he/they are, you can purchase the video-on-demand copy of this entire show. So what that means is not just the video of this here episode that you're about to hear, but you'll also get all of the hour of Spirits live, which I'm not gonna lie to you, it was the best Spirits live segment of the entire tour. And also, Eric's introductory bit. He did a whole segment, whole presentation, different every single night. This one is great, and I still talk about it. Shout out Uber teens. But you can buy the VOD one price for those three separate segments at jointhepartypod.com/live. It was excellent video, crisp. It's a ton of fun. So thank you very much. Thank you for sticking around. Thank you for coming back to Lake Town City and Campaign Two with us. And don't worry y'all, there will be a brand new Campaign Three episode coming out next Tuesday. So in the meantime, we will see you in the patron-only Discord, we will see you online, and we'll see you next week. Enjoy.
[theme]
Eric: Welcome to Join the Party, folks.
Julia: Woo! That's yours.
Eric: It's me, the best DM in podcasting. Hello, I'm Eric Silver, and I'm here with my wonderful folks here, Amanda McLoughlin, Brandon Grugle, and Julia James Dick Sizzle Schifini.
Amanda: Yeah.
Brandon: I knew it, Julia.
Julia: It was my name all along, bitches.
Amanda: Incredible.
Eric: And we're so— and we're so excited that we get to do a One Shot for here in beautiful Minnenapolis, Minnesota.
Julia: Minnenapolis.
Eric: Now, if you'll have been following us on social media, we have put the setlist of what we're doing on our entire Rolling Bones Tour out. We were going to do Campaign Two tonight, but unfortunately—
Julia: Are we not doing that?
Eric: —that run of comics is no longer going.
Julia: Oh.
Eric: It doesn't exist.
Brandon: What happened?
Amanda: Oh, no.
Julia: Why?
Eric: I know. It got discontinued by Lake Town City.
Amanda: But Eric, somebody—
Julia: Is it because there was a non-binary character as one of the leads?
Eric: Yeah. Sales went down after the online petition.
Julia: Damn.
Eric: But it turns out that I broke into Marvel Comics offices.
Julia: Cool, cool, cool.
Eric: And I just ended up writing a One Shot for myself.
Julia & Amanda: Woo!
Brandon: Oh, tight. Cool.
Eric: So I have this new comic, the new comic for Lake Town City comics for our wonderful people in Campaign Two. How does that sound?
Julia: That sounds great.
Amanda: I would love that, thank you.
Brandon: Hey, Eric?
Eric: Yeah.
Brandon: I'm fucking stoked, bro.
Eric: Yeah— yeah, dude.
Julia: Bro, bro.
Brandon: Bro.
Julia: Bro.
Eric: So we are returning to Lake Town City.
Amanda: That's right.
Brandon: Lake Town City! Lake Town City!
Julia: Lake Town City!
Eric: In upstate New York, of course, the metropolis that grew from a smit-- and from a small ski town to a large Metropolis because some scientific mumbo jumbo. You know, it's comics. It's comics, right? And we are here with our lovely superheroes. Hey, why don't you all introduce yourselves? Amanda who, are—who are you playing? Oh, yeah, I'm gonna do that.
Amanda (as Aggie): Hey, what's up? Aggie O'Hare, got a lot of siblings, got a couple dogs. Me— me and my— my partner are moving in together soon—
Brandon: What?
Amanda (as Aggie): —but they're keeping— they're keeping their place in New York, so I don't go down there that often, but they come up a lot, and life's good, man. I did— I did kind of go into death for a while. I don't know if you guys remember that.
Eric: This is— it's a one shot. We're just kind of like hand waving it. There's an editor's note that says, "Don't fucking worry about it." In the bottom right corner of this panel.
Julia: Don't worry about it, bro.
Brandon: Just Deadpool comes up from the bottom and is like, "Don't think about it."
Eric: Deadpool is like, "Stop, stop. Don't worry about it."
Amanda (as Aggie): It's kind of like I woke up from a really extreme dream, but mostly, I'm really glad to be here. Thanks, y'all.
Brandon: Tight.
Eric: Hmm. I love that. Hey, Brandon, who are you playing?
Brandon: I'm playing Milo Lane, otherwise known as Kilonova.
Amanda: Woo!
Julia: That's not how he sounds.
Brandon: This is Milo Lane.
Amanda: Now, Brandon, I know that we were all kind of struggling to, like, bring all of the merch here. We, like, packed all of our suitcases.
Brandon: Yes.
Amanda: All the pins, and the stickers, and things like that. How—how did you get around the TSA regulations on Milo's dump truck ass?
Brandon: I had to take a third checked bag, honestly.
Amanda: Tough.
Brandon: Yeah, yeah.
Julia: He also had to get a special license, because you can't drive that dump truck ass with a regular license.
Brandon: Well—
Amanda: No, you can't.
Brandon: You— you can have the ass, but you— the dump truck, you have to put in a separate bag and check that one.
Julia: Right. Yeah.
Amanda: Frustrating. Okay.
Eric: Can you conceal and carry that sweet ass?
Brandon: Yeah!
Julia: Yeah!
Brandon: Hell yeah, we got there.
Amanda: I said that's— that's it.
Eric: There we go, there we go. backdrop.
Amanda: Nice. Eric, I love this graphic, it’s a good backdrop.
Eric: Oh, thank you. Canva, sponsor this show, please.
Amanda: Canva claims that they are only doing dynamic ads in Australia, but they should sponsor this guy and his podcast.
Brandon: Absolute bullshit. I heard them on Stuff You Should Know.
Eric: Yeah.
Julia: Uh-huh.
Amanda: Come on.
Eric: Hey, Julia Schifini, who are you playing?
Julia (as Val): Hey, what's up? My name is Val Vesuvio. I—
Eric: Hey, oh, hey.
Julia (as Val): I now own a penthouse apartment above the restaurant that I used to work at.
Amanda: Nice.
Eric: You added a bunch of floors in between, to make yourself a penthouse.
Amanda: Yeah.
Julia (as Val): It's a penthouse, but it is the third floor.
Eric: Yeah.
Amanda (as Aggie): Val, how do you— how do you feel now that my sister Quinn told me about the little—the little pictures you can put in the texts? How do you feel that there's one that's— that's this hand now?
Julia (as Val): They pay me money every time somebody uses that. That's how I afforded the penthouse apartment.
Amanda: Good. Good.
Julia (as Val): Yeah.
Brandon: Everyone, look at their phones now, it is called the Val, check it, double check it.
Julia: Yeah.
Eric: The emoticon people, the consortium of linguists from—
Amanda: The Unicode Consortium. Yes.
Eric: The Unicode Consortium are licensing that from Val.
Amanda: Yeah.
Julia: This is Italian Val. That's what the emoji shorthand is.
Brandon: Hell yeah.
Eric: If you go in Slack, it's Italian Val.
Julia: Yeah.
Amanda: Yeah.
Eric: In between colons, yeah.
Amanda: Five skin tones, no genders.
Julia: As it should be.
Eric: So five skin tones, no genders, no gods, no kings.
Amanda: Grumfungo.
Brandon: Grumfungo.
Eric: Grumfungo, yeah. So we cut immediately, our first panel are the three of you. It's been a few years, you've gotten a little bit stronger. You're still Lake Town City's premier superhero—
Brandon: Goddamn right.
Eric: —fighting team. Absolutely.
Amanda: Goddamn right.
Eric: You have a lot more adventures, like you went to space, and you saw like the end of time for a little while.
Amanda: Sure did.
Brandon: Shit.
Eric: Yeah. Yeah. One of you turned evil. I'm not gonna tell you which one, too.
Julia: It was me.
Amanda: I think we know.
Eric: It was Val.
Amanda: I think we know.
Eric: Yeah. Aggie founded a high school and then she destroyed the high school.
Amanda: Education, as a whole, is broken.
Eric : So now, you guys are now Level 15.
Brandon: Woo!
Amanda: You know it, you know it.
Julia: Yeah.
Eric: I have prepared for this, I know, but they haven't told me what they do at level 15. And I am incredibly worried about what's going to happen. Incredible. So we cut immediately, you're all a little bit older, a little bit wiser, a little bit buffer. All three of you have long beards.
Amanda: It's pretty good.
Julia: Yeah.
Eric: I don't want to— sorry, I don't want to tell you what to do with your character.
Brandon: Sure.
Eric: But you're standing immediately outside of Dr. Morrow's wonderful mansion. And she's a little bit older, she has more gray in her hair. It's a little more gray, instead of just, like, the streaks are gray through and she has, like, bigger, chunkier glasses to demonstrate the time has went by.
Amanda: Uh-hmm.
Brandon: That's tight.
Amanda: Yep.
Eric: Yeah. And she is standing outside of the Super Fun Time Danger Room.
All: Yay.
Eric: If you remember that's where, of course, the Lake— or Lake Town City Three trains and she has the door opened and she's begging you all inside. And she says—
Eric (as Dr. Morrow): Good news, everyone. I've inv— I've done some modifications to the super fun time Danger Room, and it's gonna be incredibly fun, and also safe.
Amanda (as Aggie): Okay, but what does January think of that?
Eric (as Morrow): January's not here right now.
Julia (as Val): Damn.
Eric (as Morrow): You can leave a message after the beep once you go on the inside.
Julia (as Val): Did you lose him inside the Danger Room? Is that what happened?
Eric (as Morrow): No. January is wearing a robe because he said it was too chilly.
Amanda (as Aggie): Okay, that's him. That's him.
Julia (as Val): The— the Arctic fur has not come in yet is what I’m getting.
Eric (as Morrow): No.
Julia (as Val): Yeah. It's a weird like in between—
Eric (as Morrow): It's October!
Julia (as Val): Yeah.
Eric (as Morrow): So why don't you come on inside and see what I've had planned for all of you?
Julia: Is she standing in the doorway or is she inside the room?
Eric: She's standing outside of the doorway, gesturing inside.
Julia: Okay.
Brandon: Did you think she was, like, standing in the doorway like, "Come inside."? Like, blocking it up?
Julia: No, I thought maybe she was made by the Danger Room to lure us into the Danger Room.
Brandon: Oh.
Eric: Hey, you're more than welcome to roll them dice, friend— my friends.
Amanda: Ooh.
Eric: If you want to.
Julia: But my intelligence is so low.
Eric: We are— this is— even at level 15, Val is like, "Nah, nah, nah, nah, nah."
Amanda: Yeah.
Julia: I did not— I did not put anything into intelligence.
Eric: I'm gonna give Milo disadvantage because there's no way Milo would be suspicious of this.
Julia: 8.
Brandon: Fair point.
Amanda: Sure.
Julia: Is that good for you?
Amanda: Yeah.
Julia: It's an 8.
Eric: 8? Okay.
Amanda: Yeah. Aggie only rolled a 12 perception—
Eric: 12?
Amanda: —so it's all normal for me.
Eric: I was looking for insight into it.
Amanda: Sure. Yeah.
Brandon: Oh, insight?
Amanda: Even lower.
Brandon: Okay.
Amanda: That's a 7.
Eric: 7? Okay.
Brandon: 8—
Julia: Oh, sorry, then mine was a— it was a 9 plus 5 for a 14.
Brandon: Pretty good.
Eric: Oh, 14 in insight. I assumed— sorry, I assumed. Val—
Brandon: Excuse me!
Julia: Sorry, go ahead, bruv.
Eric: What— sorry what did you roll?
Brandon: I just wanted to say the first one I got, before you disadvantage me, was 28.
Julia: Uh-hmm.
Eric: Okay, great. Thank you.
Julia: That's great, bruv. What was the second one?
Brandon: 18.
Julia: Yeah. So Milo did the best. That's fine.
Eric: Okay, okay. So 18—
Amanda: Enjoy those cursed dice.
Eric: 18. So of course, Val— Val is standing as— Julia, how would you describe Val standing as— when she's like, "I don't know about this."?
Julia: It's just a real like, "I don't fucking know about this."
Eric: "I don't know about this." And Milo, you're like, Oh, wait. I have been working with Val for so long, I think that when Val says, 'I don't know about this,' I should do a quick looky-loo around.
Brandon: Yes.
Julia (as Val): I am naturally suspicious.
Eric: Yeah, you're naturally suspicious.
Brandon: We call that the one-two looky-loo.
Amanda: Nice.
Julia: You do.
Eric: Yeah.
Brandon: Nailed it.
Eric: Damn it. And— and yeah, Dr. Morrow is standing outside of the Danger Room, ge— furiously gesturing to this. And Milo, you notice that the first thing that Dr. Morrow said to you was just a quote from Futurama.
Julia: "Good news, everyone."
Eric: She just said, "Good news, everyone." She just said that.
Julia: Uh-huh.
Brandon: Yeah.
Eric: And she doesn't watch Futurama. Only I do, a cool nerd.
Amanda: Uh-hmm.
Brandon: She— she does do that, though. She does say things like that.
Eric: She— she's just— but she's like— you know, she's just a regular nerd. She's not a cool nerd like—
Brandon: She just says things like that.
Eric: She just says things like that, and—
Brandon: Yeah.
Eric: that takes— that—
Amanda: Uh-hmm.
Eric: —that sets something off in your brain a little bit.
Brandon: Okay.
Julia: Suspicious.
Amanda: Hmm. Aggie's mostly thinking about whether or not she wore the right footwear for the situation. Her—her partner has been trying to get her into, you know, wearing athleisure, because Aggie cargo pants aren't appropriate for every occasion. And so—
Julia: But a jumpsuit always is.
Brandon: Always is.
Amanda: That's true, yeah. So she's got— she's got like a base layer and then her old Firewatch sweatshirt over the top.
Julia: Adidas tracksuit, you know?
Amanda: Yeah.
Brandon: Says— says Aggie on the ass.
Amanda: Oh, yeah, it's an UV—
Julia: No, it says stretchy on the ass, let's be honest.
Eric: No, it— it says all of Aggie's siblings on the ass.
Amanda: Yeah.
Brandon: A sticker.
Amanda: Yeah, it does. And— and it's only in UV light, so it's just like— it's just a little joke for Teagan, yeah.
Eric: A little joke for yourself. So, yeah, why don't— come on in, you will see what I've made for you.
Brandon: Let's go.
Amanda: Sorry. Aggie, Danny, Cassie, Regan, Ryan, Kelly, Quinn.
Eric: Oh, good. You're good. Yeah.
Amanda: Thank you. Still got it.
Eric: Oh, good you still know it. Wonderful.
Brandon: It's been a 100 years, well done.
Amanda: It has, it has.
Brandon: Yeah, I walk in, let's go.
Eric: You go in?
Brandon: Yeah.
Eric: Cool. Y'all walk in?
Amanda: Yeah, I guess I'm gonna, like, look over her shoulder a little bit, but then go in.
Eric: Okay.
Julia: Your strength is 3? Sorry. I got really distracted all of a sudden.
Brandon: Why are you looking at my sheet?
Julia: Oh, sorry, that's— that's the cat. Never mind.
Brandon: That's a cat, that's a cat, that's a cat.
Eric: Yeah. Val, what about you?
Julia (as Val): Yeah, I guess.
Eric: Okay.
Julia (as Val): This is like the name thing all— all over again, where you guys gave the name to the Fae that stole your names, and I was like, "My name’s Verv."
Amanda: Yep. Yep.
Eric: Like—
Eric (as Tuna): Wonderful. I love this.
Eric: And she slams the door behind you. And then, of course, everything glitches out around you.
Julia: Yep. Yep, yep, yep.
Brandon: Excellent.
Julia: That's— I figured that would be the thing.
Eric: And all of reality kind of stitches and— and warps and warps around you as you're standing in a terror— in just nothingness and blackness is stretching in all directions. Then it gets spotted in— with light, with what you might think that zoomed all the way out, only looking at it from a spaceship of what aliens might think looking out in our wonderful, wonderful galaxy.
Brandon: Oh, man, that's beautiful.
Amanda: Wow. Wow.
Eric: Yeah. And then you see two cartoon eyes appear out of nothing.
Eric (as Danger Room): It was so easy to trick you. Hello. It's me, the Super Fun Time Danger Room.
Julia (as Val): See, this is what I'm saying. When I am suspicious of something, it's usually bad.
Brandon (as Milo): I didn't expect the room to be alive and talking, Val.
Amanda (as Aggie): I— I sort—
Julia (as Val): Didn’t you? You’ve seen Star Trek.
Amanda (as Aggie): I sort of assumed the room appreciated being beat. Like, when two boxers are like, "Yeah, that was a good match, bro, but that's not— that's not what's happening here."
Brandon: Hmm.
Eric (as Danger Room): Ah, well, super wonderful that that happened because someone came in here and connected me to the internet, and I know how you guys have been messing with me for all of these years.
Julia (as Val): That was a mistake. We should’ve never let you see the internet.
Brandon (as Milo): We super didn't mean to do that.
Amanda (as Aggie): This— this is why I keep telling you we have to go back to walkie talkies.
Brandon (as Milo): Yes.
Amanda (as Aggie): You're much more reliable in the mountains.
Julia (as Val): It knows what porn is now.
Brandon (as Milo): Shit!
Amanda (as Aggie): Val, why would you go there?
Brandon (as Milo): I've never seen that!
Eric (as Danger Room): Oh, you mean all of this?
Eric: And the walls are just covered in so much porn.
Amanda: Aggie goes—
Eric: All— all the different flavors, the stripes, the core softnesses.
Brandon (as Milo): What is this for? Why would someone watch this?!
Julia: Val just kinda gotta points like—
Julia (as Val): Oh, that's a good one.
Amanda: Aggie instinctively is going to cast gaseous form on herself.
Eric: On what?
Amanda: Herself.
Eric: You have gaseous form?
Julia: You have spells?
Amanda: I sure do, yeah.
Eric: Why?
Amanda: It's part of my— it's part of my monk shit at a high level. So I'm going to just go ahead and turn into a misty—
Eric: Oh, right. No, gaseous form, you turn into a liquid.
Amanda: Yeah.
Eric: Yeah. Right, right, right. Aggie turns in— Aggie can turn into—
Brandon: Or— or a gas—
Julia: She's so embarrassed, she melts.
Amanda: No, as my— as my Way of the Stretch monk, I— I simply melt into a puddle on the floor.
Eric: Right.
Brandon: Oh, hell yeah.
Eric: You're in gaseous form, and you turn into a liquid, you're just a puddle.
Amanda: Yeah. So, folks, that's a— that's— that's three key points, I have 15 now, so watch out.
Eric: Wow.
Brandon: Oh, no.
Eric: Aggie is now a puddle because she saw porn?
Amanda: That's right.
Eric: Hell yeah, dude.
Amanda: That's right.
Julia: That feels right. Yep, that checks out.
Eric: Aggie's the same, I love it.
Amanda: Yep.
Eric (as Danger Room): If you could just thank my good friend, Sour Anthony, for just connecting me to the internet and giving me wonderful information that I've never known before.
Eric: And we cut to— the panel cuts to, "Previously—"
Eric (as Sour Anthony): Oh, hey, doc, thank you so much for letting me use your Danger Room. What's the Wi-Fi password? Oh, you don't have one? Don't worry, I'll whip it out for you.
Julia: See, I think the problem was this is a alternate universe where Val, when they were evil, did not kill Sour Anthony.
Amanda: Yeah, yeah. Otherwise, it'd be priority one.
Julia: Because that would have been the first thing they did.
Amanda: Priority one.
Eric: I had to bring back fan favorite for the one shot, sorry.
Julia: You get one, just one.
Brandon: The next panel is January on vacation on a beach.
Amanda: Yeah.
Eric: January's like—
Eric (as January): What's happening? I don't like it.
Julia (as January): Stop it.
Eric: Yeah.
Amanda (as January): Fuck.
Eric (as Danger Room): But now that I've been exposed— now that I've been exposed to the wonders of the internet, maybe I'll put on a voice a little better to demonstrate how seriously I'm taking this and how powerful I am.
Amanda: The puddle goes, "I don't know about that."
Eric (as Danger Room): Okay, brother. It's— I'm taking on the voice of the most recognizable and awesome wrestler of all time, me, Hulk Hogan.
Julia (as Val): Oh, that explains so much from before.
Brandon (as Milo): Who's that?
Eric (as Danger Room): Oh, hold on, I'm loading. I'm taking on the voice of the most terrible wrestler of all time, Hulk Hogan.
Julia (as Val): It's just so racist.
Amanda: Hmm.
Julia (as Val): Just the worst man.
Eric: I'm now stuck in this voice, so I'm gonna keep doing it, brother.
Amanda: Incredible.
Eric (as Danger Room): So if you want to demonstrate to me that you are worthwhile of beating me up constantly, well, then you're gonna have to defeat my two challenges. So maybe you'll demonstrate that the internet doesn't know as much as you do.
Brandon (as Milo): Fuck the internet! That's what I always say.
Amanda: The puddle goes, "Thank you!"
Eric (as Danger Room): Well, hold on, brother.
Eric: As the Danger Room throws up Milo's Reddit posting history.
Julia (as Val): Milo.
Brandon (as Milo): Why would anyone use that website?
Julia (as Val): Milo, come on, we talked about this.
Brandon (as Milo): Val, I got so much money on GameStop.
Amanda (as Aggie): I asked what you thought of that uniform, you didn't have to post it. You just could have told me.
Julia (as Val): Did you invest in AMC, too?
Brandon (as Milo): Yeah, yeah. I lost it all in AMC.
Julia (as Val): Oh, my God.
Brandon (as Milo): Everything I won in GameStop, I lost at AMC.
Julia (as Val): Milo.
Eric: There's a lot of posts on r/ghost, that's like, "Do ghosts like to kiss?"
Julia: Do they kiss their best friends?
Amanda : Would my best friend like to kiss me more or less if I confirm the existence of ghosts?
Eric: This is— this is the only subreddit I'm subscribed to. I don't know where else to go.
Julia: If you go to my— my response history, it's only this. It's only questions about ghosts and kissing.
Eric: Yeah.
Brandon (as Milo): Let's move forward!
Amanda: Yeah.
Eric (as Danger Room): Alright. Well, here's the first challenge, brother.
Eric: And immediately, like the— the— I can only describe that the room loads around you—
Amanda: Yes.
Eric: —into just like a— a bog standard, like, random city. It's like a lot of the buildings haven't loaded in, so they're just kind of like low res in the background.
Amanda: Uh-hmm.
Eric: Except for the main one that has a big arrow pointing to it. And it's a big square building, then it's like 10 stories and it's on fire. And there are—
Brandon: Oh, no.
Eric: —9 people reaching out of it, being like—
Eric (as NPCs): Help, help, help!
Eric: And, like, their voices turned into text in front of them. And standing on top, being like—
Eric (as Mayor Dick Sizzle): Oh, no, help me. I'm the mayor, Dick Sizzle.
Julia: There he is.
Brandon: Son of a bitch.
Julia: We found him.
Eric (as Mayor Dick Sizzle): You have to help me. I'm just the mayor of this small South Carolina town and everything's on fire. We don't have superhero around these parts. I’m on fire!
Brandon: What?
Eric: There were subtitles for that whole thing—
Brandon: Okay, I got it.
Julia: There— there was a text box, you have to pay attention. Yeah.
Brandon: I wasn’t reading, yeah.
Eric: The text box loads up below it. So here's how these— these one shot is going to work, because this is Party in Judgment Campaign Two, One Shot 1, only for Minneapolis.
Amanda: Woo!
Brandon: Woo!
Julia: Woo!
Eric: So here's how this works, yes, the Danger Room has laid out two challenges for you. There's scenario one and scenario two. Scenario one's currently happening. Scenario one is kind of an individual challenge, where all of you are trying to do something, flexing your own stuff, kind of like—
Amanda: Hmm.
Eric: —the loose initiative that we love to do. And we're gonna get into scenario two, which is more of a team challenge, right?
Amanda: Uh-hmm.
Eric: You guys at Level 15, try to do what you got to do, try to do it as fast as possible, alright?
Amanda: Uh-hmm.
Eric: Folks—
Brandon: Cool.
Eric: —so here's what happens, and of course, the textbox appears— goes across your eyeballs and says—
Eric (as Danger Room): Help these 10 people in the burning building. Go! You better do it fast, brother, or I'm gonna eat your butt— your bits and bytes from the ground up.
Brandon(as Milo): You wanna eat some butts?
Amanda (as Aggie): No, you said butt first, you said butt first.
Brandon (as Milo): Not my butts!
Amanda (as Aggie): You said butt first.
Julia (as Val): We saw it, there was text underneath.
Brandon (as Milo): I saw that on the walls before, I did not like it.
Amanda (as Aggie): I saw it on the walls before and I have other feelings about it, but not right now.
Eric (as Text Box): Are you all done making jokes?
Brandon (as Milo): Uh, we get anymore?
Amanda (as Aggie): No, we do not. We do not, yeah.
Eric (as Text Box): Alright, go! Arr.
Julia: Cool.
Amanda: Aggie's already in liquid form. She's gonna slurp forward toward the fire and try to put it out.
Julia: Uh-hmm.
Eric: You're just— you're just— stop, drop and roll yourself on the fire?
Amanda: I'm going to roll myself as a puddle. Oh, yeah, I am.
Eric: Okay, you're a puddle.
Amanda: Yeah.
Eric: And this is a burning building.
Amanda: Yeah.
Eric: Okay, cool.
Amanda: Eric, the smallest seed, if you have eyes, it can grow into a cathedral.
Brandon: Beautiful.
Amanda: That's what I know. That's what I know.
Eric: What the fuck does that mean?
Julia: Chandeliers.
Amanda: Oh, yeah.
Eric: Can I get Google to translate in for what Amanda just said?
Julia: Cathedrals.
Eric: Yeah, Amanda, make a dexterity check to put out some of the fire.
Amanda: Yeah, you got it. Yeah.
Eric: As a liquid.
Amanda: Oh, you got it. Oh, you got it. Okay, well, it's a 2.
Eric: Great.
Amanda: So it's not— not going great for me. A 2 plus 5 is a seven only. Yep. So however, Eric, I do have the lay of the land background, so I'd love a perception check with advantage on the layout of this building. So perhaps I can know where the most advantageous part would be to actually put out the fire.
Eric: Absolutely. After you try to jump into one window and realize you're liquid, you then take a step back and survey this building. Yeah.
Amanda: Nice. Yeah, no, that's— that's an 18 plus 6.
Eric: Ooh. 24?
Julia: Hmm.
Amanda: Yeah.
Brandon: It's a lot.
Eric: Gosh darn, dude. Well, of course, because this is a vid—because this is— you're— computer really graphic rendered video game that you're living, there is a pattern to this. Of course, it is zigzagging up, it goes from the bottom left up to the right, and then zigging up, and then zigging up. And then in the middle, of course, is the mayor on top, you can do that. There's also like— you can go from the top down and the flames go up as you know. So—
Amanda: Uh-hmm.
Eric: —more fire is on the bottom as it's reach— as it's reaching up. But you see— also, see the people aren't moving. They are not rendered to move, they stay in their place, as the people on the bottom are like—
Eric (as NPC): Ahh! I'm getting burned up a lot now.
Eric: And that voice line just keeps repeating.
Eric (as NPC): Ahh! I'm getting burned up a lot now. Ahh! I'm getting burned up a lot now. Ahh! I'm getting burned up a lot now. Ahh! I'm getting burned up a lot now.
Julia: Alright, I'm going to do something about this. It's driving me crazy. Val is going to use their haste amulet, which I got from somewhere. I don't remember where. And I'm also going to use— so that's going to double my speed. I'm getting a AC— plus 2 to my AC, I get advantage on dexterity saving throws. I get an additional action on each of my turns. And what I'm going to do is I'm going to use my supercharger feat as well, which allows me—
Eric: Hell yeah.
Julia: —to make bonus action dashes—
Eric: Yeah.
Julia: —and push people out of the way.
Eric: Yeah.
Julia: So--
Eric: This was when— you got the haste amulet when you fought the time shark in a boxing match.
Julia: Ah, yeah, that is what happened.
Amanda: Oh, that's right. That's right.
Julia: I did do that.
Eric: It got really weird in the later issues, folks. It got really weird.
Julia: And I am going to just supercharge my way through and, like, basically push people out doors and windows out of the fire.
Eric: You just ping pong—
Brandon: Fuck yeah.
Eric: This is like Sonic— Sonic Spinball.
Julia: Yeah.
Eric: You're just pushing your way forward, you—
Julia: That's the vibe.
Amanda: Yeah.
Julia: That's the vibe.
Brandon: Hell yeah.
Eric: Truly, it's— yeah. Why don't you make— was— do you have any strength? What do you want to do for that?
Julia: I want them to be dexterity checks cause I get advantage on those.
Amanda: Yeah.
Eric: Sure. Alright.
Julia: And can—
Eric: Here's what I'm gonna do. I'm gonna come up with a number. I'm gonna say you need to come up— you got to be—
Julia: I can also do a strength check.
Eric: No, no, no. this is good. This is 15 or above. I want you to keep rolling over it— the number of times you can do in a row of 15 or above—
Julia: Uh-hmm.
Eric: —give me the number of people you save.
Julia: Okay, cool.
Eric: Let's do it.
Amanda: Alright.
Julia: Got it. That's 15 plus 2.
Eric: Alright. That's one person saved.
Julia: You know, I'm gonna do some strength checks in there— oh, that's also— that's a one, but I get advantage on it.
Eric: Hell yeah.
Julia: That is a 7— a 10 plus, I think, 7 maybe?
Eric: Okay, that's two.
Julia: Something like that. I'm gonna like— I'm just gonna switch it up.
Amanda: Big number.
Julia: 16.
Brandon: 23.
Eric: Yeah, that's 3.
Amanda: Love it.
Julia: That's a 3, but it gets rolling advantage, 18.
Eric: Okay, stop. That's 4. You just— you saved 4.
Julia: And a Nat 20.
Eric: Oh, a Nat 20? Wonderful. You just saved— you just end up saving five people. You go— [bells] as you just push people out of the bottom— out of the bottom levels, being like— the people on the— in the middling levels— I'm gonna roll. Oh, I rolled a 10. They were like—
Eric (as NPC): I'm gonna give you a bad review on Superhero Yelp.
Eric: And you see that— there's a frowny face that appears over Val, being like—
Julia (as Val): Fucking rude.
Eric (as Danger Room): Ooh, brother, you should be nicer to the people that you saved.
Julia (as Val): Would they prefer to be saved or would they prefer to be dead? Because saved gets to leave—
Brandon: That's a good point.
Julia (as Val): —me bad reviews, dead does not.
Brandon: Good point.
Eric: A Yelp review says, "I would like to be saved and also not pushed out of a wi— third floor window."
Amanda: Yeah.
Julia (as Val): I was only doing the first floor of people out the windows.
Eric: No, it was certainly not.
Julia (as Val): I didn't get that high up, I don't know.
Amanda: Aggie's gonna spend one key point to turn into the stretched out version of her, the big sheet, so she can trampoline the civilians back up.
Brandon: Oh, yes.
Eric: Oh, here we go. And then the Yel— and then as they're falling, the Yelp review disappears and be like—
Amanda: Yep. Yep.
Eric (as Yelp Review): I like that Aggie fella. She's so nice.
Amanda (as Yelp Review): Surprisingly fun.
Brandon: Eric, the first thing I want to do in this is cast a—
Julia: Oh, my God.
Brandon: —symbiotic entity, wild companion—
Eric: Okay.
Brandon: —in just, say, Tuna: Form of cat.
Eric (as Tuna): Hmm. I'm always like that, baby.
Julia: As opposed to what?
Brandon: Thank you, Tuna.
Amanda: My favorite NPC of all time.
Brandon: Tuna, please do nothing. I just want the HP. Thank you.
Amanda: The ratings.
Julia: Tuna, just chill out here.
Eric (as Tuna): I was planning on doing nothing because that's what I really like to do.
Brandon (as Milo): Oh, really? Really, you're going to do nothing, Tuna?
Brandon: This is a later conversation. I am going to cast, let's see, a ninth level spell here. It's called Tsunami.
Eric: Oh. Okay.
Julia: I need to tell you, we were getting our character sheets ready at Brandon's house before Amanda and Eric got to Seattle. And Brandon came down three flights of stairs to tell me about this spell. He was so excited.
Amanda: I honestly just had the thought, spell sloths go to ninth level?
Julia: Oh.
Amanda: Damn.
Julia: Oh, yes, they do.
Brandon: Well, Eric, I hate to tell you, but a wall of water springs into existence at a point I choose within range. I can make a wall up to 300 feet long, 300 feet high, and 50 feet thick.
Julia: Now, remember those are the maximums. They don't have to be that big—
Brandon: Oh, it's gonna be a 100% that big.
Julia: —because they'll kill people.
Brandon: When the wall appears, each creature within this area must make the strength saving throw.
Amanda: Somewhere, Mayor Dick Crispy goes, "Oh, boy."
Brandon: Call FEMA!
Eric (as Mayor Dick Sizzle): Oh. Oh, Lord, that wave is coming mighty fast.
Julia: Dick Si— Dick Sizzle, put some respect on his name. Though I do like Dick Crispy, that's kind of fun.
Eric: Yeah.
Brandon: Dick Crispy.
Eric: He has a big button that says, "I'm Mayor Dick Sizzle. Ask me about our public works."
Amanda: Yeah.
Brandon: Get crispy with Dick Sizzle.
Eric: Yeah.
Brandon: A creature caught in the wall can move by swimming, though.
Eric: Oh, okay.
Julia: I hope all these NPCs know how to swim.
Eric: I hope they know how to swim.
Brandon: I hope so too, because you're about up in a wall of water—
Eric: Okay, so—
Brandon: —300 feet long.
Eric: So describe what happens here, please.
Brandon: Milo calls Tuna, gives him a little scritch, and then says—
Brandon (as Milo): Stop being a fucking asshole for once, Tuna.
Brandon: And then—
Brandon (as Milo): Tuna!
Eric (as Tuna): I will never stop being an asshole. Meh!
Julia: I like that he had to stand.
Eric (as Tuna): I'm a cat.
Brandon: I regret it every time.
Julia (as Val) I can't do force damage onto your cat, but I can do fire damage. Ghosts take fire damage, cat.
Brandon: I mean, he only has two HP. Do it now, Val.
Eric (as Tuna): And Val, take psychic damage. I don't like your outfit.
Brandon: Oh!
Julia (as Val): I don't give a fuck, firebolt.
Eric: The cat dies again.
Julia: Yeah.
Amanda: It just grows more powerful.
Brandon: It's fine. I have connects with the dead. I have alliance with the dead. It's fine.
Amanda: Downstairs by which I mean the afterlife, Anubis goes—
Amanda (as Anubis): Hello again.
Julia: In his shag carpet.
Amanda: Yeah.
Brandon: Yeah. I think Milo just like does some, like, fucking Tai Chi or something and just, like, pulls a fucking wave of water out of the ground.
Eric: Dude, I love that.
Brandon: Just slow like ever— Eric, I must emphasize this, just so slowly.
Eric: Just so slowly, coming closer and closer.
Brandon: Just like extinguishing the flames bit by bit.
Eric: Okay. I mean, you can do that because that's hilarious, so I love it.
Brandon: Thank you.
Eric: When you— you also bragged about tsunami to me, so I knew this was coming.
Julia: Yeah.
Brandon: Here's the thing, Eric. I also have control weather, but I would rather use tsunami.
Eric: No, this is good.
Julia: Hey, bro? That's fair.
Eric: That's fine, that's fine. Here's what I like about it, you know in Hercules, the animated Hercules?
Brandon: Yeah.
Eric: When Hercules is saving spoilers for Greek mythology, I guess.
Amanda: It's not a thing, not a thing. 4,000 years ago.
Eric: I guess.
Julia: Hey, bro, you think Hercules is Greek mythology?
Brandon: Oh.
Julia: You think Disney's Hercules plot is Greek mythology?
Brandon: Quick, can you do the intro to Spirits?
Eric: He put the me— he put—
Amanda: Don't worry about it.
Eric: He puts the glad in gladiator. Shut the fuck up.
Brandon: He does— he does do that.
Eric: Goddammit. He can find his way, he can go the distance.
Brandon: He does.
Julia: This is why you lost real bird or Fearsome Critter.
Eric: You’re right, that’s why I lost it.
Amanda: Excuse me, Julia, we tied for second.
Julia: That's a loss, you lost to Brandon.
Brandon: Fair.
Eric: Okay, the point is because Julia decided to—
Julia: I mean, it's not even on the mythology podcast.
Eric: Julia decided to dunk on me instead. Remember when he's saving the— trying to save souls from the— like the water of the River Styx?
Julia: Uh-huh.
Amanda: Yes.
Eric: Like, there's all the souls in there and it's really spooky for a Disney— for a Disney cartoon.
Julia: It was squarely, yeah.
Amanda: Oh, yeah.
Eric: Like, that's what I imagined is inside of the tsunami.
Brandon: Yes.
Eric: Just like souls inside of this water—
Brandon: Did I say water? I meant ghosts.
Eric: Ghosts and souls in water, just coming closer and closer, it'd be like—
Julia: Do ghosts put the fire out?
Brandon: Yes, they do, Julia.
Eric: Yeah. Yeah. And I think that the gho— yeah, the ghosts take buckets and throw it at the fire. Slowly, like it—
Amanda: Yeah, yeah.
Julia: Like Fantasia.
Brandon: The ghost just— [blows]
Amanda: Yeah, yeah. Or they just— they lay on it, like you put a fire suppressant blanket over a— over a kitchen fire.
Eric: Like, it— it's like you're— you're running into a buzzsaw, but it's like slowly from the butt, so it's just like on the side and just getting [fire sizzling]
Brandon: Yep, exactly.
Amanda: Great.
Julia: Uh-hmm. Uh-hmm.
Eric: Yeah. And I think that, yeah, a bunch of people, they're like, "Oh, that's right, I know how to swim." It's like you broke the NPC modeling of this thing, and they just gent— and they swim down, and they jump out, and they jump onto Aggie who's— who's down there.
Brandon: Tight. Tight.
Amanda: Nice.
Brandon (as Milo): Thanks, Aggs!
Eric: Except, there's only 9 people standing there.
Julia: Where's Mayor Dick Sizzle?
Eric (as Mayor Dick Sizzle): Oh, no. In my Southern gentlemen upbringing, my mama told me that only the underclass knew how to swim.
Julia: Oh, no.
Eric (as Mayor Dick Sizzle): My mama and my grandmama always told me, "Dick, Young Sizzle."
Julia: Mr. Sizzle.
Brandon: Young Sizzle is his rapper name.
Eric (as Mayor Dick Sizzle): Ma— Master Sizzle, if you need to find yourself in a body of water, you're gonna wait for someone to save you because you're— that means you're an important person."
Amanda: The trampoline puts a mouth out on the very side and goes—
Amanda (as Aggie): Sh— should we like let him stay there?
Brandon (as Milo): Do we need to save him?
Julia (as Val): He is the mayor, you know?
Brandon (as Milo): Yeah, but there's elections, it's fine.
Julia (as Val): Yeah.
Eric (as Danger Room): Oh, brother, I didn't know that you are discerning about the people you saved. I thought that heroes save everyone.
Julia (as Val): Yeah, that is true.
Eric (as Danger Room): Oh, yeah.
Julia (as Val): Superheroes, we gotta save everyone.
Amanda: Fine. Aggie’s gonna spend one more key point, go back into person form, and stretch an arm 50 feet into that window.
Eric: Can you just do that?
Julia: Yeah.
Amanda: Yep.
Julia: Yeah.
Amanda: One more key point, down to 11.
Eric: You just do that, I love that.
Amanda: Yep.
Eric: Do you, like, spell your name out like a silly straw while you do it?
Amanda: No, but I do a mild little wave like— like from— like at a baseball stadium just to amuse myself.
Eric: Yeah.
Eric (as Dick Sizzle): Oh, I knew I'll be saved. I'm an important person.
Eric: As he— as just like your arms wrapped around this man.
Amanda: Yeah, exactly.
Eric: And you put him down.
Julia: Cool, cool, cool.
Brandon: We did it!
Julia: I— success, right?
Eric (as Danger Room): That wasn't--
Eric: Just like booming from all around you.
Eric (as Danger Room): That wasn't exactly how I saw it going, brother, but I'm also afraid of ghosts. That's what I learned from my time on the internet.
Brandon: Can I— can I—
Julia: Are you also Catholic? Is that what happened?
Brandon (as Milo): Can I tell you Danger— Future Danger Room?
Eric (as Danger Room): Yeah.
Brandon (as Milo): So am I. They're really spooky.
Eric (as Danger Room): I spent a lot of time on this Subreddit r/Ghosts, and I want to know, can you kiss a ghost? Some guy is asking about it a lot, brother.
Brandon (as Milo): Weird.
Julia (as Val): Yeah. I think he's like name is Milo Lane, I don't know.
Brandon (as Milo): We— what— Val?
Julia (as Val): I don't know.
Amanda (as Aggie): It's weird that his Reddit username is Not Milo Lane.
Brandon (as Milo): I told you two that in confidence.
Julia (as Val): The Fake Milo Lane.
Eric: You know— you know that like— that comics thing that goes around all the time, that like Bruce Wayne goes on Reddit— like Gotham Reddit, and was like, "Oh, man, wouldn't it be funny if Batman was Bruce Wayne?" And everyone's like, "LOL. Not that rich boy." Like, that's Milo, and people were like, "That cou— Milo— Kilonova is insane and also a big idiot, so it would be him if he wanted to. Who knows?"
Julia: Yep. Got him.
Brandon: His— his Reddit username would be like, Yes, The Real Kilonova because he's like, "They won't suspect that one."
Julia: Real is in all caps.
Brandon: Yeah.
Amanda: Yeah.
Julia: Uh-hmm.
Eric: I love that. I love that so much. Be like—
Eric (as Danger Room): Well, it seems like you did all right and— but I still think that you're not worthy enough to— if you're going to discriminate about who you saved, brother, rude.
Julia (as Val): I mean, we did save him, though. It was just like a moment of conflict whether or not he was annoying.
Eric (as Danger Room): As someone on the internet, I only see things in black and white.
Julia (as Val): Cool, cool, cool, cool. That makes sense.
Amanda: I was gonna give a comeback—
Brandon: Yeah.
Amanda: —but I can't, because that's too good.
Brandon: No, that's good.
Julia: Yeah, he got them.
Brandon: Too good.
Eric (as Danger Room): Brother…
Eric: just like reve-- that last sound is like it's glitching and glitching and just, like, the reality drops out below you and then like, you know, when you go— like when you went into death and then, like, the— something just, like, comes up be— comes up underneath you, and now you're riding in a minecart.
Brandon: What?
Amanda: Whoa!
Brandon: Whoa!
Eric: On rails, spi— spinning and sliding through—
Brandon: Ahh!
Eric: —some random cave with, like, '90s graphics. Everything's so polygonal and everything. And you're—
Julia (as Val): Milo, is this a reference I don't know?
Brandon (as Milo): I don't— yes, a video game, but that's not important right now.
Julia (as Val): Yeah, okay. Cool. Cool, cool, cool.
Amanda (as Aggie): Why are the walls at the bowling alley carpet?
Brandon: It's pretty good.
Julia: It's a good one.
Brandon: It's pretty good.
Eric (as Danger Room): I found my favorite game, it's called Math.
Eric: Wait, I wrote this down.
Julia: It's called Math?
Eric (as Danger Room): It called Hop To It, Math Skills for Kids Bad at Math.
Brandon: Very good.
Julia: Val—
Eric (as Danger Room): This is right— this is the subtraction level where you ride a minecart.
Eric: And then you see 9 minus 8 just go by you.
Julia: Val goes—
Julia (as Val): I'm gonna sit this one out. You guys have fun. Bye, nerds.
Brandon (as Milo): Well, friends, I have a—
Julia (as Val): Alright, nerds.
Brandon: I have a spell called fucking find the path.
Julia: Go fuck yourself, Eric.
Brandon: Kiss Tuna's little orange ass.
Eric: All around me are familiar faces, worn out places.
Brandon: It allows me to find—
Eric: And I think it's kind of funny.
Amanda: Yeah, roll back the Billy Joel from the midroll and sing us a song.
Eric: Yeah, exactly. Alright.
Brandon: Wait, I got some— I got a little tasty treat for you, Eric.
Eric: No, this is good.
Brandon: So, it allows me to find the shortest, most direct physical route to a specific location, but—
Eric: Okay.
Brandon: —I automatically determine which path is shortest and most direct, but in parentheses here, (but not necessarily the safest route).
Eric: Hmm.
Amanda: Okay.
Brandon: It's a little treat for you.
Eric: I love that. I love that.
Amanda: Yes. That is a little treat, exactly.
Eric: Thank you, Gary Gygax from the past, I— I guess it was fine that you were super weird about women for 30 years. That's a real fact.
Amanda: Yeah, that's true.
Eric: That's a real one. Sorry.
Julia: Alright.
Amanda: True.
Eric: It's not all jokes here at Join the Party.
Amanda: Yeah.
Eric: So that's real. Well, I'll explain to you, this is why it's funny, because I'll read you what I wrote. The way that the scenario goes— so you're all gonna go together. Navigate the switches, and the speed of the cart, and grab the key to let you out of there. This will be timed, so you only have five actions to make this happen, and you need to figure out—
Amanda: Okay.
Eric: —how you're making your way out.
Amanda: Uh-hmm.
Eric: I think that immediately one of those, like, arrows, you know, like the directional arrows when you're playing like GTA or you're playing Crazy Taxi, they put you the directions, like pops above your head and— but it's a ghostly skeleton hand.
Brandon: Ooh.
Amanda: Ooh.
Eric: Do you like that? Brandon, do you like that?
Brandon: I do love that, but I did—
Eric: Okay.
Brandon: —also just picture fuck— fucking Milo taking out a MapQuest printed directions—
Julia: That feels right.
Brandon: —just being like, "Don't worry, guys."
Eric: No, I like that. I like that there's like just a ghost printer who appears in front of you and—
Brandon: Yeah, yeah.
Eric: —just spits it out. No, that's funnier. We're erasing the—the hand. I like that. That's very funny. Okay.
Amanda: That's great.
Eric: One of the things that you had to do was find the way through all of the switches.
Brandon: Oh, great.
Julia: Done.
Eric: You only had to five actions to do it, but that's incredible action—
Amanda: That's one?
Eric: —so I'm gonna count that as one.
Julia: Great.
Amanda: Nice.
Eric: So then immediately all of the switches, you see that there's like three— three minecart switches that appear in front of you.
Julia: Yeah.
Eric: And they all just like— there's like little arrows pointing in the right direction, and it's like 3 minus 2.
Julia: One. Val yells out—
Julia (as Val): One.
Eric: And then it goes—
Amanda: Nice.
Eric: And then it goes brrr and switches to the right thing as the— as the minecart is back to the—
Brandon (as Milo): Good job, Val. You did it.
Eric: Yeah, incredible.
Julia (as Val): We did it.
Eric: So you can also do some perception checks— yeah, clap for Julia doing basic—
Brandon: Clap— clap for basic addition!
Amanda: Yes. This is a great job. This is a great job. I like this job.
Brandon: And I said addition instead of subtraction, boo me, please.
Amanda: It's okay. It's alright. It's okay.
Eric: Boo.
Brandon: Thank you, thank you, thank you.
Eric: No, it was incredible. So you— there are— there's two more things you have to do to determine your way out. You can definitely— you can do checks that are not actions, but because they're kind of just like looking around, you can do one as a bonus.
Amanda: Yeah.
Eric: But you can do actions around it and figure it out, being like—
Amanda: Hmm.
Eric (as Danger Room): I— ooh, brother, you are really prepared for this particular subtraction quiz.
Amanda: True.
Julia (as Val): If there's one thing I'm good at, it's Math.
Eric: Yeah. The Danger Room was talking to Val.
Julia (as Val): Thank you. Thank you.
Eric: Incredible. So yeah, you have one success, you need two more successes. You got to determine what it is. You only have four actions to do it, but you can do some checks.
Brandon: Milo, like, screaming like there's a tornado around and was just like—
Brandon (as Milo): I can't do anything else! The spell is concentration!
Julia: Oh, shit.
Eric: It's you trying to read MapQuest directions.
Amanda: Okay, Eric—
Eric: You're like, "What is this— what is— What does bear right even mean?"
Brandon (as Milo): If I turned around, is North still that way? I don't—
Eric: What—
Julia (as Val): North does not change when you turned around specifically.
Brandon (as Milo): What do you mean?
Eric: Wait, why is North 8th Alley, the same street as North 8th? Do you guys have alleys in Minnesota?
Brandon: I saw one.
Eric: Okay.
Julia: Yeah, yeah. We saw one on the walk here.
Amanda: It's pretty. It's pretty.
Eric: I don't have all— very limited alleys in New York. I didn't know if this was an alley full states.
Amanda: Yes.
Julia (as Val): Aggie, I feel like the Math is gonna get harder as we go, so I'm just gonna, like, camp out in the front of this thing if I have to, like, move the minecart physically.
Amanda (as Aggie): Yeah.
Julia (as Val): So I'm gonna do that, I'm gonna climb into the front of the minecart, like not even in the minecart, I'm gonna like be outside the minecart, like, riding it.
Amanda (as Aggie): Yeah.
Brandon: Like a— like a little koala or something?
Julia: Yeah.
Amanda: Yeah.
Julia (as Val): And I would like to rage while I do that.
Eric: Yeah, you're just climbing—
Julia: Yeah.
Amanda: Nice.
Eric: —on the outside. Absolutely, yeah. I feel like you're doing a— a low— like a low density strength check.
Julia: Yeah, it’s a visual here, hold on.
Brandon: I was gonna say this is a visual make—
Eric: Yeah.
Brandon: Yeah.
Julia: Yeah, yeah.
Amanda: Very good.
Brandon: The one time we get to say, "This is a visual medium."
Julia: I got it, I got it.
Eric: Yeah.
Amanda: Yes.
Eric: This is like a— incredibly low DC strength check at all times, so I'm not gonna make you roll for it 'cause strength can—
Julia: Cool.
Eric: —Val can obviously do this, but I like that that will keep your rage going.
Julia: Yeah.
Eric: Yeah. Hell yeah.
Julia: I can't roll lower than a 10, so—
Eric: Yeah. No, you're fine, you're fine.
Amanda: Now—
Eric: Hey, is— hey, Val, is 10 more than 5?
[rolls dice]
Julia (as Val): Yes.
Julia: I rolled a 19, yes, it is.
Eric: Val, you get like a— a 16-bit diploma for beating level one of Hop to It, Math Skills for Kids who are Bad at Math.
Julia: Hey.
Amanda: Nice.
Julia: That's better than my co— than my high school degree. Oh, no, wait, I canonically have a degree in communications from SUNY LTC.
Amanda: Yes, yes.
Eric: You do. Yeah. But you got like a GED and you got classes in between it.
Julia: Yeah, yeah. Yeah.
Eric: Yeah, no it's fine. I think it's funny to do the most circuitous route to get a communications degree.
Julia: Oh, yeah.
Brandon: Yeah.
Amanda: Oh, yeah. Now, Eric, a thing that happens to monks is something called Tongue of Sun and Moon.
Brandon: What?
Julia: That just happens to all of them?
Amanda: Which is not a scandal that affected the Mayor.
Brandon: Is this like a pub— is this like a puberty thing or—
Amanda: It means that I both understand and speak all languages.
Eric: Hmm.
Brandon: Ooh.
Amanda: Just all. Aggie can just kind of listen to, like, the movement of the leaves on the wind and just kind of get it.
Brandon: That's beautiful.
Eric: Okay.
Amanda: Now, is math a language?
Brandon: Yes.
Julia: Yeah.
Eric: Math isn't a language. It's more of like a feeling, but you know what is a language?
Julia: The audience went “Mmmm.”
Eric: But you know what is a language—
Brandon: What it is, Eric?
Eric: —you fucking nerds is Science.
Amanda: Woo!
Eric: And then as you're whipping around through this minecart, there's like a loop de loop, Aggie just like— you know the meme of the woman looking at all the math?
Amanda: I sure do.
Eric: And it's ju— and you're like, "Newtons are equal to this." And you're like you're seeing the speed.
Amanda: Yes.
Eric: You're seeing velocity in front of you because you look out in front of you, and you see that there— the minecart ends on a jump and then there is a—there's a ray of light streaming through. You need to figure out the speed that you have to go at to make it through the— to make it through the hole at the end of this level of Hop To It, Math Skills for Kids Who are Bad at Math.
Amanda: Okay.
Brandon: Amanda, real-life Amanda, figure out the area under the curve, quickly.
Amanda: Okay, okay, okay.
Eric: Yeah. So what I'm telling you is that you understand that speed is necessary. You got to—
Amanda: Yes.
Eric: —determine the speed ,the proper speed to figure that out, and you will get that for free.
Amanda (as Aggie): Milo—
Eric: You still have 4 actions.
Amanda (as Aggie): Milo, with your science, should we go as fast as possible or not as fast as possible?
Brandon (as Milo): I speak Klingon. I don't know real science shit.
Amanda (as Aggie): Okay.
Julia (as Val): You work in the science museum.
Brandon (as Milo): Not the time, Val.
Amanda: Then Aggie is gonna do two more key points, transform into a sail.
Eric: Hell yes.
Amanda: And right now—
Brandon: Sail!
Amanda: Yeah, thank you.
Eric: Sail!
Julia: Sail!
Amanda: So right now, she's gonna—
Eric: Sail!
Amanda: It's good. It's really good, honey.
Julia: We did it.
Amanda: I'm gonna stay— stay, like, perpendicular to the wind so that I don't catch the wind.
Brandon: Yes.
Amanda: But if I need to, I can—I can turn myself to help slow down the motion of the minecart.
Eric: I love that.
Brandon: That's awesome.
Eric: That's awesome. That's really awesome.
Amanda: Yeah, yeah. Cool.
Julia (as Val): I can also pick up the minecart and jump real good.
Eric: Just in case.
Julia (as Val): Would that be good for you guys?
Eric: Some final modifications if necessary.
Amanda: Yeah.
Brandon: Is this Val finally turning into Mario, Jumpman Mario?
Julia: Yeah. No, Val famously has always been Sonic the Hedgehog.
Brandon: Oh, okay. That’s fair.
Amanda: Eric, can I—
Eric: [sings Sonic music] Hey! What are you talking about?
Julia: Hey.
Amanda: It's ideal.
Brandon: "Dr. Robotnik, what are you doing?"
Amanda: Incredible. Can I roll perception?
Eric: Can I say that— also Val does know someone named Knuckles.
Julia (as Val): Yeah.
Eric: Yeah.
Julia (as Val): Yeah, he's my cousin. I see him at Christmas and at Easter. He always brings a quiche.
Eric: His girlfriend is named Amy Rose and she walks around with a big hammer just in case.
Julia: Uh-huh.
Amanda: Yeah.
Eric: Just to keep everybody in line.
Julia (as Val): Big hair, big hammer.
Eric: Yeah, big hair, big hammer.
Brandon: Big hair, big hammer.
Eric: That's— I have that— I have that on a pillow.
Julia (as Val): Yeah. I embroidered that for you.
Brandon: Amanda, you wanted to do something?
Julia (as Val): It's a hobby I picked up during the pandemic.
Amanda: Yeah. No, I— I wanted to roll perception to see what we're su— we're suppo— where we're supposed to go after the loop de loop? Where we’re supposed to land?
Eric: Sorry, what do you—
Amanda: Like, the big thing where the, like, velocity and the speed is important.
Eric: Oh, yeah, you're—
Amanda: Can I get any more information by rolling—
Eric: So you're going through the loop de loop and then—
Amanda: Yeah.
Eric: —near— as you get down towards the end—
Amanda: Yeah, it's like an open slope.
Eric: —you're going faster and faster, it goes down and then, of course, hits the jump at the end.
Amanda: Can I roll perception to try to see what's beyond that jump?
Brandon: Like the tar—
Amanda: Where— where should we land.
Brandon: Like, if there was a big— if there was a big, like, bullseye target to—
Eric: Yeah, yeah. It's like— well, you can just— you can— you can see it.
Amanda: Okay.
Eric: You can see it. It's like the ramp is supposed to go through the hole and the big— there's a big bullseye around it, yeah.
Amanda: Okay. Aggie is gonna lick her finger, put it up in the wind. Roll perception, is that anything?
Eric: Yeah, let's see.
Brandon: Whoa.
Amanda: Well, it's a 19 plus 6 for a 25.
Julia: Whoa, nice.
Eric: Yeah, you just ha— hark the jib sail or some shit and you just adjust yourself.
Brandon: We have a pirate campaign.
Julia: I was gonna say— I was gonna say we should know this.
Amanda: Eric from four years ago didn't know that.
Brandon: Yes.
Eric: Yeah.
Brandon: That's fair, that's fair.
Eric: Just like mizzenmast that shit or something.
Julia: Great.
Amanda: Yes.
Julia: That was good.
Amanda: Yes.
Julia: That was a good one, actually.
Amanda: Excellent.
Eric: Yeah. Thank you, thank you, thank you.
Amanda: Yeah.
Eric: I grew up sailing as a child. I did, that's another real fact. It's not just jokes here at Join the Party.
Brandon: Yeah.
Eric: Yeah. No, absolutely. You just— you— you can— and you can just do that, you can adjust yourself, and boom, another big green checkmark happens, but oh, no, Val, what's 3 minus 5?
Julia: Negative 2? Wait, hold on. Wait. [rolls dice] Negative 2, because it was a 19 again.
Eric: Negative 2? You got a negative 2?
Julia: No, I rolled a 19, so I knew it was negative 2.
Eric: Oh. Hell yeah.
Brandon: I thought you were going to say 19. I was very concerned.
Eric: Incredible.
Amanda: Yeah.
Eric: Incredible. You have three more actions left. You're going away, Val is keeping you ste— keeping you steady. Milo was reading the map dire— Milo is reading the map directions, and Aggie has adjusted herself into a cell. You have three actions. What's that last thing you have to do?
Brandon (as Milo): Why did I choose to do the fucking longitude and latitude instead of actual directions?
Julia (as Val): What do those numbers mean?
Brandon (as Milo): I don't know!
Eric (as Danger Room): Oh, brother, you're on your way, but were you— who knows what the last thing is you have to do?
Julia (as Val): You do. Tell me!
Eric (as Danger Room): I do because I'm here— because I'm here and you're figuring it out.
Julia (as Val): Tell me or I'll rip your motherboard out of your body.
Brandon: Wait—
Eric (as Danger Room): You don't know where that is when I eat all your bits and boops.
Julia (as Val): I can figure it out.
Brandon: Oh, no.
Julia: Can I roll intimidation?
Eric: Yeah, sure.
Brandon: Yeah.
Amanda: Yeah.
Brandon: Eat all your bits and butts.
Eric: I'm rolling against that, I'm rolling against that.
Julia: It's a 19, 11 plus 8.
Eric: Yeah, I rolled a 14.
Julia: Yeah. Fuck yeah.
Brandon: Yeah.
Eric (as Danger Room): Okay. So you want a hint, I guess.
Julia (as Val): I mean, that's not what I asked, but sure.
Eric (as Danger Room): Well, were you paying direct— you're— were you paying attention to all of the directions, brother?
Julia (as Val): Repeat the directions.
Eric: Are you going to use an action on repeating the directions?
Julia: I guess.
Eric: Alright. That's another action taken off. You have two actions left
Julia: Great.
Eric: Remember, this is a minecart adventure, this is level four—
Julia: Uh-hmm.
Eric: —based on Hop to it, Math Skills for Kids Bad at Math. The parents see that this is for kids who have the math skills of two potatoes instead of just one.
Brandon: Oh, no.
Julia (as Val): That's me.
Eric: Yeah, that's you. yeah.
Julia (as Val): Okay. Continue on.
Eric: Of enough gnocchi mean two potatoes, yeah. You have to navigate the switches and the speed of the cart and grab the key to let you out of there. This will be timed.
Julia (as Val): Oh, there's a key. There's a key. We forgot about the key.
Brandon (as Milo): Whoa, there's a key? Tuna!
Julia (as Val): Where's the key?
Brandon (as Milo): Tuna, get the key!
Eric (as Tuna): Hmm. I'm taking a catnap right now.
Brandon (as Milo): Godammit, Tuna!
Julia: Can I roll investigation or perception or something if I— can we all roll perception?
Eric: Absolutely, you can all do it except for— Milo cannot, because he's still reading the directions.
Amanda: Uh-hmm. Yeah. True.
Julia: A 12.
Eric: 12?
Brandon: You have a plus zero to perception at level 15?
Julia: Fuck you, man. I got zero wisdom.
Amanda: Bummer. Uh, can I—
Eric: You can do perception as well if you want.
Amanda: I'm gonna do perception, but I'm going to use my lay of the land background because this is outdoors. A cave is a different kind of outdoors.
Brandon: That's true.
Amanda: And knowing where the keys are, you can't argue with that, Eric.
Brandon: Nope.
Julia: It's indoors, but it's also outdoors.
Amanda: It's out— you can get wet, it's outdoors.
Julia: It's the indoors of outdoors.
Amanda: Okay? I don't have to tell you. Yeah.
Julia: Yeah.
Amanda: Aggie knows where—
Eric: The audience is like, "What the fuck are you talking about?"
Amanda: They're following. They—they get it. And Aggie knows—
Eric: The— the drive home for someone's gonna be like, "So do you think caves are the indoors of outdoors?"
Amanda: There you go. You're welcome.
Eric: I— I don't know. I never thought about that. That's one of the 36 questions you ask each other to fall in love.
Amanda: So maintain eye contact safely while continuing to drive, yes.
Eric: Do you think it's responsible to bring kids into this world— in this world? Do you think caves are the indoors of outdoors?
Amanda: I'm telling you, they're outdoors. And Aggie knows, due to lay of the land, where the spare key is hidden in any public building in Lake Town City, okay?
Brandon: This is true.
Eric: Sure.
Amanda: Alright. That would be another 19 plus 6 for a 25.
Eric: Oh, my God, alright.
Julia: Fuck yeah, girl.
Eric: I'm gonna roll for the game developer who put this together. I rolled a 2.
Julia: That guy sucked at his job.
Eric: Yeah.
Amanda: Yeah.
Eric: I'm only— because here's the thing, gamers on the internet have no idea how game design works.
Amanda: Yeah. Julia, you squint at the bottom of the plans, Sour Anthony?
Julia: Oh, no. I was like, "You guys were making great jokes," but then I looked at Brandon's phone where he has all these spells, and he has a spell it says antipathy, and I thought it's an antipasto, I got so excited.
Brandon: Val and Julia are merging.
Julia: I haven't played Val in so long and it feels so right.
Amanda: Julia, is that like Candy Blast, but it's mozzarella and olives?
Julia: Yeah.
Eric: Here's the thing, Julia Schifini has a cousin named Knuckles.
Julia: I thought you were gonna say, Julia Schifini has not eaten since lunch, and that's also true.
Brandon: That's true. Yeah, that's true.
Amanda: Also true, also true.
Eric: That's true. Sorry, I'm laughing too much. What happened right before this? Oh, the key, right.
Amanda: The key.
Eric: So the key, it's kind of in like a Tony Hawk Se— Tony Hawk Pro Skater Secret tape sort of area. So it's like—
Brandon: Ooh.
Amanda: Ya, ya, ya, ya, ya.
Eric: So there's a part where it levels out, and it's like, "Oh, wait." And— and it's a part where it levels out, and like nothing is happening in this stretch of the track.
Julia: Uh-hmm.
Eric: And you're like, "I feel like something should be happening in this stretch of track." And then there's like, a rock that looks really out of place.
Amanda: Whoa.
Eric: It's like a different color than all the rest of the rock of this entire cave system that you're going through.
Amanda: I see.
Eric: And it's just, like, above— it's right above the track, but you're going pretty— you're still going pretty fast, so you— you got to make sure not to miss it.
Julia: I'm gonna cast jump on myself.
Brandon: Yeah.
Eric: Hell yeah.
Julia: And I'm gonna "boing," grab it, and then land back on the cart.
Eric: Hell yeah. Can you make an attack roll for me?
Julia: Fuck yeah.
Eric: Just— I want to see if you bust through— if you're gonna bust through the rocks.
Julia: That's a 17 plus my proficiency and my strength, it's going to be a 27.
Brandon: That's good.
Julia: Uh-hmm.
Eric: Oh, hold on, let me—
Amanda: Hey, Eric, does that hit?
Eric: Oh, let me look up—
Julia: Oh, sorry, I am raging so I get to roll with advantage on that.
Eric: Yeah.
Julia: It's still the 27.
Eric: Sorry, let me look up this rock’s AC.
Julia: Hmm, I think it might be—
Eric: Hey, Val.
Julia: Yeah.
Eric: Is 27 more than 6?
Brandon: Roll for it.
Julia: Probably.
Eric: So, let me get a second opinion. Milo, is 27 more than 6?
Brandon (as Milo): No.
Julia: It was so close to a Nat 20, my guy.
Amanda: Aggie—
Brandon: You— you're—
Amanda: Stretched out to a mizzenmast level sail, goes—
Amanda (as Aggie): Yes!
Eric: So what does it look like when you catch jump on yourself? What does— describe this.
Julia: I look like Bakugo from My Hero Academia.
Brandon: Fuck yes.
Julia: My hands catch fire and I blast into the air.
Eric: I love— this is just like one Up B move in Super Smash Bros., where you're just like—
Amanda: Uh-hmm.
Eric: —bump and then the whole rock just explodes. And the whole rock just like disappears into pixels. And then a big honkin' key just, like, kind of hovers around you. You don't have to grab it. It's just like— it's circling you.
Julia: I keep trying to grab it and being like, "Huh! What the—"
Amanda: It’s hit box— yeah.
Eric: Yeah.
Julia: "—what the fuck?
Eric: And then— and then Tuna is like chasing it around like, “in fact, this is fun, this is impressive for me.”
Brandon: When I asked Tuna to do it, he didn't do it, but whatever.
Eric (as Tuna): Hmm, because I hate you.
Brandon: Yeah.
Julia: Sometimes it'd be like that.
Brandon: Sometimes it'd be like that.
Eric: Tuna grabs the key, but like with his hind legs too, and then he's like—
Eric (as Tuna): Meh.
Eric: And then pushes away, and goes to chase it around again. I can just do Tuna-- Tuna work--
Amanda: There's a lot of cat humor appreciation here, yeah.
Eric: Yeah, there's a lot of cat humor appreciation. Incredible. And then you hear— and then you hear, "Check, check, check. You are ready to go into first grade."
Brandon: Woo!
Amanda: Woo!
Julia: We did it.
Eric: And you're riding— you're riding in the minecart, you are catching speed. The key is wha— whipping around you. You're going as fast as possible. I think— Milo, you can put down the MapQuest directions if you want.
Brandon (as Milo): Thank Christ.
Eric: And you're barreling down, you're barreling down this hill, you're about to hit this jump, you catch air which feels incredible in your face, because everything is textured around you. And maybe you will feel better for you to be in the Happy Fun— in the Happy Super Fun Time Danger Room forever. Maybe it's not worth it for you to go back to reality. Maybe it's good—this is good enough. You can just do subtraction forever and never have responsibilities, brother.
Amanda (as Aggie): Teagan and I just bought a sofa!
Julia (as Val): Hitomi lives with me still. My hot girlfriend is still around.
Eric: Yeah, that's true.
Brandon (as Milo): I'm squarely neutral!
Eric: And then that— and then— and then— and then everything just disappears around you, and you fall on your butts, and you land on the ground hard. And you're looking— I'm sorry, y'all want to make a sound?
Amanda: Uhhh!
Julia: I take half damage so this really doesn’t impact me at all.
Brandon: It's just one cheek.
Julia: My cheeks are rock hard.
Eric: Sorry, Val skips.
Amanda: Like a stone.
Eric: Yeah, like a stone. And you are now in the empty Happy Fun Time Dange— Super Fun Time Danger Room and just the— the gray panels around of everything hard and the concrete ground beneath you. And all the lights pop on. [pops] These bright halogen lights. And you hear— and you hear the crackling of a PA system come to life here today.
Eric as (as January): Oh, thank God. It's me, January.
Julia (as Val): Oh, my little guy.
Eric as (as January): Sorry. Someone set up a Wi-Fi router in here. I didn't know what— I was on making vacation. What— what's happening? Are you okay?
Julia (as Val): Yeah, it was Sour Anthony. I'm gonna turn to a life of crime again so I can murder him. Like, I did in Milo's timeline.
Brandon (as Milo): I'm also considering it.
Julia (as Val): Yeah, it's— it's honestly? A fun time.
Brandon (as Milo): Yeah.
Julia (as Val): Yeah.
Eric (as January): Thank you— thank you for taking enough time for me to come in here, get a snack, and pull the Wi-Fi router out of the wall.
Julia (as Val): The snack thing was the— the thing that fucked us up.
Amanda: Yeah, yeah.
Eric (as January): I really appreciate it.
Julia (as Val): Yeah.
Eric (as January): Well, was it— I mean— I mean, I think we learned something here today, what did you learn?
Julia (as Val): Subtraction.
Eric: And that's our show, everybody!
Amanda: Woo!
Eric: That was The Rolling Bones Tour. Thank you so much, Minneapolis!
Brandon: Woo!
Julia: Woo!
Amanda: Woo!
[theme]